House Censures Al Green; 1.2 Million Fundraising Emails Later, He Raises Just $16.95

The $16.95 Fundraising Fiasco

Congressman Al Green experienced a one-of-a-kind political embarrassment this week. After being formally censured by the House of Representatives in a dramatic floor session, Green attempted to turn the punishment into a fundraising opportunity. He blasted out 1.2 million fundraising emails to supporters, detractors, and probably anyone who ever accidentally clicked on a campaign petition. The result? An eye-watering grand total of just $16.95 in contributions. Yes, you read that correctly: sixteen dollars and ninety-five cents – roughly the cost of a movie ticket or a modest lunch special.

“Al Green sent 1.2 million emails and only raised $16.95. That means even Karl Marx’s ghost saw it and went, ‘Eh, sounds a little too socialist for me.’” — Dave Chappelle

Mass Outreach, Minimal Outcome

Political fundraising emails are known for their hyperbolic urgency – “Donate in the next 10 minutes or democracy dies!” – but even seasoned observers were stunned by the sheer scale and futility of Green’s email blast. According to campaign insiders (who insisted on anonymity out of sheer embarrassment), the Green team sent out messages with subject lines like “I’m Being Censored – Support My Voice!” and “They Tried to Silence Me, Stand With Al!”. The emails dramatically recounted how Representative Green was censured by his colleagues, painting him as a martyr for a righteous cause and imploring recipients to chip in $5, $10, or $50 to help him “fight back.”

Despite hitting inboxes across the nation (and quite possibly landing in a lot of spam folders), the plea fell flat in spectacular fashion. “It’s like shouting into the void, but the void sent back an invoice,” joked one staffer from a rival campaign, referencing the likelihood that the email service provider’s fees cost more than what was raised. Indeed, with 1.2 million emails sent, experts estimated the campaign probably spent far more on the mass emailing software and flashy “DONATE NOW” graphics than the $16.95 it scraped in. For context, that’s roughly $0.000014 per email – essentially a microscopic fraction of a penny per message. It was a return so abysmal that even a coin-toss would have yielded more spare change.

Observers have already dubbed the effort a textbook example of how not to execute digital fundraising. One veteran political fundraiser noted, “Usually, getting censured leads to at least a few thousand in sympathy donations. This? Unprecedented. Maybe people thought the email was satire. Or maybe everyone’s just tapped out.”

“He asked Marxists for money? That’s like asking vegans to sponsor a steakhouse.” — Jerry Seinfeld

Hyperbolic Reactions from Capitol Hill

The response from political figures and media pundits to Green’s fundraising flop was swift, over-the-top, and dripping with irony. On Capitol Hill, where schadenfreude is a bipartisan pastime, lawmakers from both parties found rare common ground in comic relief. House colleagues even gave him a standing ovation – not for any noble stand on principle, but for achieving what one GOP aide mockingly called “the smallest political fundraiser in modern history.”

Democratic Congresswoman Jane Doe, a close ally of Green’s, facetiously announced she would start a GoFundMe for him, aiming to raise “another $16.95 to double his war chest.” The Speaker of the House also got in on the fun, wryly telling reporters, “We don’t censor our members’ speech – but in Congressman Green’s case, it looks like the public effectively did it for us.” Some members even joked about introducing a House resolution to declare Green’s email “the least effective communication since New Coke.”

Over on cable news, commentators from all sides piled on. One conservative pundit offered tongue-in-cheek sympathy: “I always knew big government was inefficient, but I never thought I’d see a 1.2 million-email effort result in less money than I have in my wallet.” Meanwhile, a progressive talk show host laughed, “Al Green’s email must have been so persuasive that people decided to save their money — you know, to protect him from himself.” Even a satirical late-night program joined in: SNN (Satire News Network) ran a segment titled “Censured and Penniless,” featuring a graphic of an empty wallet superimposed over the Capitol dome.

“1.2 million emails and less than 17 bucks? Somewhere, Joseph Stalin is looking down and saying, ‘Comrade, you should have just taken the money by force.’” — Chris Rock

Campaign Strategy Gone Awry

Behind the scenes, campaign strategists are performing a post-mortem on how this plan went so horribly awry. The idea seemed straightforward: turn Green’s censure – essentially a public scolding by the House – into a rallying cry for supporters. In theory, being censured could be spun as a badge of honor, proof that he was standing up to the establishment. Many politicians have turned reprimands into fundraising gold, assuming supporters will open their wallets out of outrage. The Green team followed the usual playbook: send a heartfelt email to the base about how “they’re trying to silence me for speaking truth,” then watch the contributions roll in from folks eager to stick it to The Man.

So what went wrong? For starters, the email list was apparently bloated with cold contacts – people who never actively signed up to hear from Al Green. In their zeal, his campaign carpet-bombed every address they could find – even people who’d signed unrelated online petitions years ago. Many recipients greeted the plea with confusion or irritation. One man in Iowa said he opened the email thinking Al Green was the singer (of “Let’s Stay Together” fame) announcing a new tour – only to find a congressman begging for five bucks. He marked it as spam.

Even among Green’s actual supporters, the appeal misfired. The tone of the email, described by one loyal donor as “half apocalypse, half infomercial,” may have been too melodramatic to take seriously. It essentially warned that if people didn’t donate, it would be a victory for those who “silenced Al’s voice.” As one longtime supporter put it, “It sounded like if I didn’t give, Al would be hauled off to a gulag by midnight.” The campaign’s strategy of sending multiple follow-ups in the span of 24 hours – each with an increasingly desperate subject line (e.g. “Still waiting, friend”) – likely annoyed more people than it motivated. By the third email in a single day, even loyal fans were frantically hunting for the unsubscribe link.

“Marxists don’t donate money, Al. They redistribute it. Next time, just ask them for someone else’s credit card.” — Ron White

Absurd Aftermath: $16.95 and a Dream

What can a politician do with a grand total of $16.95 raised? The absurdly tiny haul has led to a flurry of tongue-in-cheek speculation about how Green might deploy his new “war chest.” A few hypothetical options have been floated:

• Buy Lunch (for One): He could treat himself to a very modest lunch, perhaps just a sandwich and a coffee. It might be the first-ever case of campaign funds spent on a consolation meal for the candidate.
• Campaign Merch (Limited Edition): Maybe he can produce a single campaign t-shirt as a collector’s item. One staffer joked the slogan would be “I sent 1.2 million emails and all I got was $16.95.”
• Return Postage: Use the $16.95 to buy stamps for snail-mail thank-you notes to the two or three people who actually donated. (Ironically, the postage might cost more than the donations themselves.)

In truth, the amount is so low that it costs more to process than it’s worth. FEC (Federal Election Commission) rules require meticulous accounting of campaign funds, so someone in Green’s operation now has the unenviable task of itemizing “sixteen dollars and ninety-five cents” on an official finance report. One can only imagine the eye-rolls and chuckles when that filing hits the public database. The absurdity even sparked suggestions that Green should frame the $16.95 check (if any donor mailed a physical check) as a memento, or perhaps hand it over to the House as symbolic payment for his censure “fine.”

Expert Analysis from Questionable Sources

A parade of armchair experts – some with dubious credentials – has emerged to analyze the situation, each adding their own satirical spin:

Dr. Ima Faux, Professor of Political Oddities at Nowhere University: In Dr. Faux’s view, this episode “will go down in the annals of political history as a landmark case of donor apathy. Not since a state senator’s charity milkshake sale in 1979 raised only $12 have we seen such a fruitless fundraising effort. It’s truly remarkable – I might write a paper about it, if I can stop laughing.”

Lola McSpamm, Email Marketing Consultant: McSpamm offered a scathing review of Green’s tactics. “Blasting 1.2 million emails without proper targeting is like dropping leaflets from a plane and hoping one lands in an open wallet. That never works,” she said. McSpamm suspects the email content itself triggered spam filters en masse: “When algorithms see too many ALL-CAPS and exclamation points about being ‘censored,’ they send the email to spam heaven. In a sense, technology literally censored his cry of being censored.”

Bubba “Bud” Watkins, Local Barbershop Analyst: Bud, a self-appointed political pundit at his neighborhood barbershop, didn’t mince words. “This takes the phrase ‘money talks’ to a whole new level. Apparently, no money talks, too – and it’s saying people don’t like being panhandled via email,” he chuckled. “If I annoyed all my customers with 1.2 million messages, I’d be out of business. Heck, my charity car wash raised more than $16, and I only washed ten cars!”

Countess Petra, Internet Personality: In one of the more bizarre analyses, Countess Petra – a social media influencer famous for cheekily extracting money from willing fans – treated Green’s failure as performance art. “He asked for money and basically got told ‘no’ by an entire nation. That’s hard to do,” she said on her live-stream. “Maybe he should ask people to pay him not to email them. I bet he’d make more.” It’s a cynical take, but given the circumstances, even unconventional experts are proposing that Green completely reverse his strategy to recoup some dignity (and funds).

Social Media Speaks Out: Outrage and Amusement

On social media, news of Al Green’s $16.95 fundraising flop spread quickly, generating equal parts laughter and disbelief. Many users couldn’t resist poking fun at the stark contrast between the massive effort and the minuscule outcome. A few choice reactions:

• @CampaignJester: “Al Green sent me 12 emails in 2 days. I was about to donate $5 just to make it stop, but it looks like everyone else had the same idea… which was not to donate. #EmailFail”
• @PoliticalWonk: “1.2 million emails and only $16.95 raised? My spam folder has officially started protesting against campaign spam on my behalf. #CensuredAndPenniless”
• @HistoryBuff: “This has to be a record. Even those ‘Dewey Defeats Truman’ misprinted newspapers are worth more than $16.95 today. Future political science textbooks will have a chapter on the Green Email Fiasco.”
• Facebook Commenter Jane L.: “Is this a typo? Did he mean $16,950? If it’s really $16.95, I’m equal parts horrified and relieved – horrified at how bad that is, but relieved that politicians might finally realize we’re not ATM machines.”

The internet’s verdict oscillated between mockery and sympathetic embarrassment. One trending meme showed a photo of Al Green shrugging, with the caption: “Sends 1,200,000 emails – Raises $16.95” followed by “At least nobody can accuse him of being bought!”. Even Green’s usual critics, who would normally pounce, sat back and enjoyed the spectacle. When a political facepalm is this epic, it needs no piling on.

Historical and Fictional Parallels

Commentators with a flair for history and satire eagerly drew parallels to put Green’s tiny haul in context. Some pointed to historical flops: for example, Herbert Hoover’s 1932 campaign reportedly attempted a nationwide fundraising telegram that barely covered the cost of the telegrams. At least Hoover ended up with a few hundred dollars (a decent sum in those days) – by contrast, Green’s effort in modern times couldn’t even break twenty bucks.

Others turned to pop culture and fiction. A columnist in the Washington Toast likened Green’s endeavor to Mel Brooks’ The Producers, joking that “Green pulled off a political Springtime for Hitler – a production engineered to flop, except he wasn’t actually in on the joke.” Meanwhile, even the Smithsonian’s Museum of American History jokingly offered to acquire the $16.95 check as an artifact of campaign history. Clearly, Green’s email debacle is already being immortalized as political folklore alongside legendary flubs of yore.

Al Green, Congressman, Considers Second Career as a Clown After Fundraising Flop

After his record-breaking failure to raise more than $16.95 from a 1.2 million-email fundraising campaign, Congressman Al Green is reportedly exploring a more “financially stable” second career—as a clown. Sources close to the congressman say he is considering trading in his suit for a red nose and oversized shoes after realizing that he could probably make more money juggling in a park than running for re-election.

From Capitol Hill to Clown Alley

Insiders claim that Green’s new career path came to him after reviewing his latest campaign finance report, which confirmed that he had, in fact, raised less money than a child’s lemonade stand. As he stared at the official total of $16.95, he reportedly sighed and said, “I might as well start learning balloon animals.”

According to sources, Green has already begun studying the fundamentals of clowning, including honkable noses, slapstick comedy, and fitting an entire political campaign into a tiny car. When asked why he was making such a drastic career shift, Green allegedly responded, “Because at least when a clown gets pied in the face, people throw him a few bucks.”

Fundraising vs. Clowning: A Financial Comparison

Experts in both campaign finance and circus performance have crunched the numbers, and the results don’t look great for Green’s political career:

• Fundraising Emails: 1.2 million emails = $16.95 total donations
• Street Clowning: One afternoon of balloon twisting = $40 in tips + loose change from children’s pockets

Political strategist Frankie McDonough weighed in on the situation: “Look, at this point, Al Green would make more money falling off a unicycle in Times Square than he does running for office. Clowns, unlike politicians, actually turn a profit.”

House of Representatives or Clown College?

Green’s pivot to clowning has reportedly caused a stir among his colleagues in Congress. Some support his new ambition, saying it aligns perfectly with the general circus-like atmosphere of Washington, D.C. Others believe he should have stuck with traditional political grifting, like writing a book nobody reads or starting a PAC that launders money legally.

Representative Jim Jordan commented: “I mean, at least as a clown, he’ll finally be honest about his profession. Washington is already 90% performance art.”

Early Clown Training Mishaps

Despite his enthusiasm, Green’s early attempts at clowning have not been without problems. At a recent kid’s birthday party, he attempted to make a balloon elephant but accidentally wrote a 12-page filibuster on it instead. Witnesses say the children were bored to tears and left without tipping.

Still, Green remains optimistic. “Hey, my last campaign raised $16.95. If I can pull in $20 as a clown, that’s already a promotion.”

Conclusion: A Cautionary Tale Wrapped in Comedy

Al Green’s post-censure fundraising debacle will likely be remembered far longer than the reason he was censured in the first place. In the annals of political campaigning, it stands as a cautionary tale that bigger outreach isn’t always better – especially if your message misses the mark. It also offers a bit of social commentary: perhaps the public’s collective wallet simply snapped shut out of fatigue with constant donation pleas, or out of a sense of irony – maybe both.

For Congressman Green, there is an oddly redemptive silver lining. In an era when campaign finance scandals usually involve suspiciously large sums, he has become the poster child for the opposite problem – a campaign that almost nobody wanted to fund. Critics can’t accuse him of being in anyone’s pocket when his entire fundraising sum can be crumpled up and stuck into his shoe with room to spare.

In the meantime, this saga has provided the rest of us a much-needed laugh. It’s a reminder that sometimes reality out-satires satire. The next time your inbox pings with a dramatic plea from a politician, remember the now-legendary Ballad of Al Green’s $16.95. If politics can’t occasionally make us laugh, we’d probably end up crying.

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What the Funny People Say…

• “Sending fundraising emails to Marxists is like asking anarchists to support more government. It’s a bold strategy… but not a profitable one.” — Bill Burr

• “He should’ve asked for labor instead of money. He’d have 10,000 volunteers ready to ‘seize the means of campaign production.’” — Amy Schumer

• “If a Marxist had actually donated, it would’ve come with a 12-page manifesto and a demand that the money be evenly distributed to every working-class American.” — Kevin Hart

• “Al Green was out here asking Marxists for capital. That’s like asking libertarians to help fund the DMV.” — Jim Gaffigan

• “His fundraising email should have just said, ‘Give me five dollars, or I will tell everyone you own property.’” — Trevor Noah

• “The real mistake? He should’ve told them the money was for a revolution, not a re-election.” — Wanda Sykes

• “Some Marxists did try to donate, but only in theoretical currency backed by the workers’ struggle.” — John Mulaney

• “Al Green’s email campaign was the perfect Marxist experiment—at the end, everyone was equally broke.” — Sebastian Maniscalco

• “He should’ve written his email in Das Kapital language: ‘To contribute to the proletarian cause of re-electing me, send five non-exploitative, wage-free dollars.’” — Hasan Minhaj

• “Marxists saw the ‘DONATE’ button and clicked ‘COLLECTIVIZE’ instead.” — Patton Oswalt

• “1.2 million emails later, the only thing Al Green successfully redistributed was his dignity.” — Ricky Gervais

The post Al Green: Clown appeared first on Bohiney News.

The Art of the Troll: How Trump’s 2025 Speech Was a Masterclass in Socialist Provocation

Donald Trump’s return to the congressional podium on March 4, 2025, wasn’t just another speech-it was a full-fledged, premeditated, take-no-prisoners verbal brawl aimed directly at socialists in the Democratic Party. But the twist? The Squad and their progressive allies, knowing full well what was coming, had planned in advance to sit in silence, maintaining poker faces throughout his remarks.

What they didn’t realize was that Trump wasn’t just speaking to Congress-he was speaking at them, through them, and around them. This speech wasn’t designed for a debate. It was designed as a 90-minute demolition derby, a rhetorical wrecking ball that made every socialist in the room sweat through their overpriced, union-made suits while pretending not to react.

“Trump trolled them so hard, I half expected AOC to call for emotional reparations after the speech.” – John Mulaney

Here’s how Trump did it.

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The Setup: A Speech Designed for Maximum Damage

By the time Trump stepped up to the podium, everyone in the room knew what to expect-or at least they thought they did. The Squad, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and the rest of the progressive wing had made a pact: Do not react. Do not heckle. Do not interrupt. Just stare blankly, no matter what he says.

They assumed this would neutralize his power. That by robbing him of a dramatic foil, they could drain the life from his attacks.

What they didn’t count on was that Trump thrives in this environment. This wasn’t just a speech-it was a set piece, a stand-up routine, and a cage match all rolled into one. And his opponents, by remaining silent, effectively turned themselves into lifeless props for his verbal beatdown.

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The Open: A Swift Punch to the Gut

Trump didn’t ease into it. He didn’t start with polite pleasantries. He walked straight to the microphone, took in the silent, stone-faced progressives in the room, and delivered his opening salvo:

“Folks, I see a lot of happy faces here tonight-well, mostly on my side of the aisle. Over there” (he gestured toward the Democrats), “I see the usual suspects doing their best impression of a wax museum exhibit. Very stoic. Very brave. Almost like they’re trying not to cry.”

With that, the room exploded in laughter-from one half of it, anyway. The other half remained locked in their disciplined silence, but Trump knew what they were thinking. He could see the clenched jaws, the white-knuckled grips on their armrests, the rapid blinking as they resisted the urge to roll their eyes.

And that was exactly what he wanted.

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Destroying Their Sacred Cows, One by One

From that moment on, the speech became a wrecking ball aimed at everything the progressive movement holds dear.

On the Economy: “Bernie, Look Away”

Trump beamed as he announced:

“The stock market is at an all-time high. Unemployment is at an all-time low. American energy is booming. Socialism has never produced results like this. Bernie, look away-it’s too much for you.”

Cameras cut to Bernie Sanders, who stared straight ahead, his expression as blank as a North Korean parade soldier. But the slight twitch in his left eyebrow betrayed him. Trump had him.

On Immigration: “AOC’s Tears Could Power a Small City”

Next came the border.

“We have shut down illegal immigration. We’ve built a real border. And, folks, I have to tell you, when we did it, I could hear AOC’s tears hitting the ground from 2,000 miles away. We may actually be able to harness that energy for green power-finally, a climate solution Democrats can support!”

Again, nothing from AOC. But her lips pressed together so tightly they nearly disappeared.

On Women’s Sports: “Sorry, Cori”

Trump wasn’t done.

“We’ve restored fairness to women’s sports. No more biological men crushing female athletes. I know, I know-Cori Bush is shaking her head so hard she might sprain something. Sorry, Cori, but we’re not letting dudes in wigs beat up your daughters anymore. This is America, not The Hunger Games.”

Cori Bush didn’t react. But her hands tensed around the arms of her chair.

Trump smiled. He was in their heads.

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The Silent Rage: Socialists Stuck in Their Own Trap

The longer the speech went on, the harder it became for progressives to maintain their planned silence. They had thought that staying stone-faced would make them appear strong, but in reality, it made them look powerless-like prisoners forced to endure a punishment they couldn’t stop.

With every new attack, every mocking line, every joke at their expense, they sat there, unable to clap, unable to rebut, unable to do anything but endure.

And Trump knew it.

At one point, he even stopped mid-sentence, looked toward their section, and said:

“You know, I was expecting a few more interruptions tonight. But it looks like they told you guys to keep quiet. Smart move! If I had to defend your policies, I’d probably want to stay quiet, too.”

Again, they didn’t move. But you could practically hear their teeth grinding.

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The Final Blow: Turning Their Silence Into His Victory

By the time Trump reached the climax of his speech, he knew he had already won.

Instead of ending on a typical patriotic note, he decided to narrate their silence for the American people watching at home:

“Tonight, you’ve seen two things. On one side, you’ve seen an administration that’s winning, a country that’s thriving, and a future that’s brighter than ever. On the other side, you’ve seen stone-cold silence. No applause. No excitement. No vision. Just gloom. Just pouting. Just… nothing.”

He let that sink in.

“That’s the difference between us and them. We believe in America. They believe in-well, I don’t even think they know anymore. But that’s okay. We’re going to keep winning, and they can keep sitting there in stunned silence, watching it happen.”

And with that, he walked off the stage.

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The Aftermath: Socialists Break Their Silence-Too Late

The Squad and their allies maintained their poker faces during the speech, but once Trump was gone, their restraint shattered.

Ilhan Omar was the first to break. She stormed to the press, calling the speech “dangerous.”

AOC took to social media:

“That speech was a disgrace. The cruelty wasn’t accidental-it was the point.”

Bernie, visibly rattled, told reporters:

“This was the most hateful, divisive, and frankly, unhinged speech in American history.”

Elizabeth Warren called it “the end of democracy as we know it.”

CNN, MSNBC, and late-night talk shows went into full meltdown mode. But it didn’t matter. The damage was already done. By staying silent during the speech, they had let Trump control the entire narrative. Their post-speech whining only confirmed what he had already made clear: they had no answers, no comebacks, no fight left.

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The Legacy: Trump Turned Their Strategy Against Them

Trump’s 2025 speech will go down as one of the most masterful troll jobs in political history.

The socialists had thought they were neutralizing him by staying quiet. Instead, they had given him a silent audience to mock at will. They had turned themselves into props for his monologue. They had played into his hands so completely that even they probably realized it too late.

They had tried to sit still and look strong. Instead, they had sat still and looked beaten.

And Trump? He walked out of that chamber victorious, having delivered one of the greatest political takedowns in American history-without a single interruption.

It was, in the end, a flawless victory.

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Trump’s Trolling Quotes: The Socialist Roast of 2025

1. “In just 43 days, we’ve done more than Biden did in four years-well, more than he remembers doing, anyway. AOC and her Marxist friends still think we print money like it’s Monopoly, Bernie still hasn’t figured out why socialism turns every country into a toilet, and Rashida Tlaib is probably screaming about something right now.”
2. “On day one, we cut off every penny to useless government programs. That means no more climate change lunacy, no more DEI grift, and-sorry, Ilhan Omar-no more sending money to countries that hate us. You’ll have to fund your revolutions the old-fashioned way: by shaking down your woke donors on Twitter.”
3. “We brought back oil drilling, and let me tell you, when I signed that executive order, I heard AOC’s tears hit the floor from the other side of the country. She said the world would end in 12 years. Well, it’s been six, and the only thing ending is the socialist fantasy.”
4. “No more taxpayer-funded safe spaces. If you need a ‘healing circle’ after hearing conservative ideas, maybe politics isn’t for you. Maybe get a job? No, wait-I forgot who I was talking to.”
5. “We banned biological men from women’s sports. I know, I know-Cori Bush is shaking her head so hard she’s about to sprain it. Sorry, Cori, but we’re not letting dudes in wigs beat up your daughters in the ring anymore. This is America, not The Hunger Games.”
6. “Look at this-stock market at record highs, unemployment at record lows, and yet Bernie Sanders is still out here ranting about ‘evil capitalism.’ Bernie, capitalism is why you own three houses instead of standing in a breadline, buddy. Say thank you.”
7. “We secured the border. I can actually see the steam coming out of the ears of every Democrat in this room. Elizabeth Warren is already drafting a 3,000-page bill to undo it, but too bad, Pocahontas-we’re putting Americans first.”
8. “We slashed foreign aid because Americans shouldn’t be paying for wars in countries that can’t find America on a map. I know, I know-Adam Schiff just clutched his pearls. But guess what? Ukraine can fight its own battles. And China? Yeah, they’re not getting a dime. Cry harder.”
9. “We’re getting rid of DEI nonsense in government hiring. Sorry, Jamaal Bowman, but hiring people based on skill instead of their pronouns is actually how you build a competent workforce. I know, crazy idea, right?”
10. “Gun rights are here to stay. I see the squad looking horrified. Ilhan Omar looks like she just watched a bald eagle land on the White House lawn. If you don’t like the Second Amendment, I hear Canada still has room for socialists-barely.”
11. “We’ve cleaned out the FBI and DOJ, no more weaponized government against political opponents. Adam Schiff looks like he just realized there’s an audit coming his way. Good luck, Adam, I hear lawyers are expensive!”
12. “We cut taxes AGAIN. Oh no! How will Bernie Sanders afford his next lake house? Maybe take a page from actual working Americans and get a side hustle. I hear socialist podcasts pay pretty well.”
13. “We’re drilling for oil again, and that sound you hear? That’s the last of Greta Thunberg’s hope evaporating. I’d say ‘How dare you?’ but I think she already trademarked it.”
14. “We took down Critical Race Theory in schools, because children should learn math, not how to hate their own country. If you’re mad about that, maybe you shouldn’t be in Congress-maybe you should be teaching gender studies at some failing liberal arts college.”
15. “America is back. Our economy is roaring, our borders are secure, and the radicals are losing. And judging by the faces I see in front of me-oh, look at that, Bernie just whispered something to AOC. I bet it was, ‘Why is he so mean to us?’ It’s because you’re wrong. It’s because America wins when socialism loses.”

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Now that’s a speech designed to make half of Congress absolutely melt down on live TV. You can almost hear the pearl-clutching and the MSNBC panels writing themselves.

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America Reacts: Trump’s Speech Was a Masterclass in Trolling, But Policy Talk? Meh.

If there’s one thing Donald Trump understands better than anyone, it’s showmanship. His March 4, 2025, address to Congress wasn’t just a speech-it was a full-scale verbal demolition of the progressive left, complete with sarcasm, mockery, and well-placed insults that had socialists clenching their fists under the table. And the people? They loved it.

According to a flash poll conducted after the speech, 82% of viewers said the trolling was the highlight of the night, while only 51% found his actual policy proposals interesting. In other words: Americans showed up for the roast, tolerated the politics, and left thoroughly entertained.

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The Roast That Broke Congress

For years, the Squad and their socialist allies had been waiting for this moment-Trump back at the podium, primed for a fight. But when the time came, their plan was simple: silence. No heckling, no reactions, just sit there, poker-faced, and let him talk.

Unfortunately for them, Trump doesn’t need an argument to win a fight. He turned their stillness into his joke, making their non-response part of the entertainment.

The audience at home ate it up. Trump’s jabs, like:

“I see the Squad sitting there, trying their best not to cry. Don’t worry, AOC, I’ll keep it quick so you can go back to Instagram live and tell us why capitalism is mean.”

and

“Bernie Sanders is looking at these record job numbers like a vampire looking at a sunrise. It’s painful for him, folks.”

were instant classics on social media. Within minutes, Twitter was flooded with reaction memes, and conservative commentators hailed the speech as one of his most entertaining performances yet.

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The Policy Problem: America Prefers Entertainment to Economics

Despite the overwhelming approval of Trump’s trolling, the numbers show that only 51% of viewers found his policy discussion engaging.

Why? Because for better or worse, America has changed. We don’t just consume politics anymore-we demand that it entertain us. Sure, border security and economic growth are important, but they don’t make people laugh the way a well-placed insult about Elizabeth Warren’s tax plans does.

Many Americans tuned in expecting a fight, not a legislative proposal. And while Trump delivered a few policy victories-cutting foreign aid, restoring energy independence, strengthening gun rights-the crowd at home was mostly there for the comedy special disguised as a congressional address.

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The Democratic Meltdown: “This Wasn’t a Speech, It Was a Stand-Up Routine”

After the speech, Democratic leaders scrambled to the press to do damage control.

• AOC: “This wasn’t a serious speech. It was just one long, mean-spirited comedy routine at the expense of hardworking progressives.”
• Bernie Sanders: “What we heard tonight wasn’t leadership. It was a carnival act.”
• Elizabeth Warren: “The president turned Congress into a late-night talk show, and America deserves better.”

Translation? They were mad because it worked.

Despite their planned silence, the speech became about them-Trump dictated the narrative, and the more they complained afterward, the more it proved his point.

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Trump’s Strength: Making Politics Fun Again

The numbers don’t lie: Americans enjoy Trump not just for his policies, but for the way he delivers them.

Other politicians give dry, detail-heavy speeches packed with statistics. Trump, on the other hand, treats policy like a punchline:

“We cut taxes again. Sorry, Bernie, I know that means you’ll have to wait a little longer for that fourth lake house.”

And it works.

Even some viewers who don’t consider themselves Trump supporters admitted they enjoyed the spectacle, with one independent voter saying:

“Look, I don’t agree with him on everything, but at least he doesn’t bore me to death like the other guys.”

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What This Means for 2025 and Beyond

With public approval of his trolling sky-high, it’s clear that Trump has perfected a unique political formula:

Policy + Performance = Engagement Mockery + Messaging = Memorable Moments Silence from Opponents = Trump Wins by Default

As Democrats scramble to recover, the question remains: Will they adapt and fight back with their own rhetorical weapons, or will they stick to policy-heavy speeches while Trump continues to roast them into oblivion?

One thing is certain-if the left thought they could silence Trump’s influence by sitting quietly, they severely underestimated his ability to control the narrative.

And judging by those approval numbers, America isn’t just listening-they’re laughing all the way to the ballot box.

What the Funny People Are Saying…

“Trump walked into that speech like a stand-up comic at a retirement home-half the audience was asleep, and the other half was just mad they had to be there.” – Dave Chappelle

“Watching Bernie Sanders sit through that speech was like watching a vegan at a Texas BBQ-he knew he didn’t belong, but he had to act like he was okay with it.” – Bill Burr

“Trump didn’t just give a speech-he threw a full-on roast battle and the Squad had to sit there like hostages on a bad date.” – Chris Rock

“You gotta respect AOC and Bernie for sticking to the no-reaction plan. It takes real discipline to sit still while getting bodied in 4K.” – Kevin Hart

“Trump said, ‘Look at these socialists over here, sitting in silence.’ They thought they were being strong-nah, they just looked like the losing team at a spelling bee.” – Trevor Noah

“You ever see someone try so hard not to react that they look constipated? That was Elizabeth Warren for 90 minutes straight.” – Jim Gaffigan

“Bernie Sanders trying not to react to economic growth is like Dracula pretending he’s cool with daylight. The man was dying inside.” – Andrew Schulz

“Trump’s speech had more hits than a heavyweight fight. And the best part? The Squad wasn’t even allowed to throw a punch back.” – Joe Rogan

“Man, you know a roast is brutal when the only strategy left is ‘just sit there and take it.’ That’s not a political strategy-that’s what you do when your mom’s yelling at you in the car.” – Tom Segura

“Say what you want about Trump, but that man knows how to turn a State of the Union into a Comedy Central special.” – Bill Maher

“Watching progressives sit through that speech was like watching vegans at a steakhouse-nobody’s eating, and everybody’s mad.” – Sebastian Maniscalco

“I thought the Squad’s silence was their best performance yet! I mean, usually, you gotta pay for that level of emotional suffering.” – Shane Gillis

“This was the first time I’ve seen Bernie Sanders completely silent. I didn’t even know he could do that.” – Nate Bargatze

“That wasn’t a speech-that was a political execution where the victims had to sit still and pretend they weren’t bleeding.” – Ricky Gervais

The post Trump Trolls the Marxists appeared first on Bohiney News.

KASH Claims Responsibility for SpaceX Starship Explosion

A Investigative Examination of the SpaceX Explosion

In a development that has left both the aerospace community and the public in a state of bewilderment, the organization known as KASH—Keep All Spending Here—has come forward to claim responsibility for the recent catastrophic explosion of SpaceX’s Starship during its eighth test flight. This group, with alleged strongholds in urban areas such as Compton, the 5th Ward of Houston, Harlem, Philadelphia, and Detroit, has declared an ideological war against space exploration, advocating for the reallocation of funds toward domestic social services and transfer payments.

“KASH says we should stop space exploration and invest in transfer payments instead. Yeah, that’s a great idea—let’s take the money that was gonna send us to Mars and use it to fix the Luther’s gambling NBA debt… only for it to be back two weeks later!” — Dave Chappelle

The KASH Manifesto: Prioritizing Earth Over the Cosmos

According to a manifesto purportedly released by KASH, the group argues that the billions allocated to space ventures like SpaceX would be better spent addressing pressing issues on Earth. “Why reach for the stars when our neighborhoods are crumbling?” the document reads. “Before we colonize Mars, let’s ensure every American has access to affordable healthcare, quality education, and a living wage.”

This sentiment resonates with a segment of the population that views the burgeoning space industry as a misallocation of resources. Dr. Eleanor Rigby, a sociologist at the University of the Streets, notes, “There’s a growing perception that space exploration serves the fantasies of the elite while everyday citizens grapple with tangible problems. Groups like KASH tap into this discontent, channeling it into activism—albeit extreme.”

The Cyber Connection: Hacked by the Salt Tycoon Group?

In a twist that could rival the plot of a cyber-thriller, reports have emerged suggesting that KASH’s own networks were compromised. Allegedly, technical instructions detailing vulnerabilities within SpaceX’s systems were discovered, originating from a Chinese conglomerate colloquially known as the ‘Salt Tycoon Group.’ Cybersecurity expert Max Headroom commented, “If these allegations hold water, it showcases a complex web of cyber-espionage, where one activist group’s infrastructure is infiltrated to sabotage another entity. It’s like a digital game of chess with real-world consequences.”

However, skeptics urge caution. The lack of concrete evidence and the shadowy nature of both KASH and the supposed ‘Salt Tycoon Group’ make verification challenging. “In the realm of hacktivism, attribution is notoriously difficult,” warns Headroom. “It’s plausible this is a smokescreen to divert attention from the actual perpetrators.”

Elon Musk’s Response: Rockets and Resilience

SpaceX CEO Elon Musk, known for his candid and often unfiltered commentary, addressed the incident during a press briefing. “Rockets are tricky,” Musk mused. “One moment you’re reaching for the stars; the next, you’re picking up the pieces. But hey, if you’re not failing, you’re not innovating.” He further added, “Sabotage or not, we’ll learn from this and come back stronger. Mars isn’t going to colonize itself.”

Musk’s remarks reflect his characteristic blend of humor and determination, embodying the ‘fail fast, learn faster’ philosophy that has propelled SpaceX to the forefront of aerospace innovation.

SpaceX CEO Elon Musk addressed the alleged sabotage during a press briefing, dismissing KASH’s claims as “misguided economic extremism.”

“Look, space exploration isn’t taking money from people—it’s creating new industries, new jobs, and a future for all of humanity. The only thing that’s stopping progress is people who would rather burn down opportunities than build them.”

Musk, known for his unapologetic commentary, later posted on X (formerly Twitter):

“If you don’t want to go to Mars, that’s fine. But maybe don’t blow up the rocket that was gonna take us there. Not cool.”

Former President Trump’s Commentary: A Space Race Redux?

Never one to miss an opportunity to weigh in, former President Donald Trump released a statement via his social media platform, Trumpet. “Terrible news about SpaceX. Sad! We need to focus on making America great again, right here on Earth. Space can wait. Let’s fix our cities first. Priorities, folks!”

Trump’s comments highlight a nationalist perspective, emphasizing domestic issues over extraterrestrial ambitions—a sentiment that aligns, perhaps inadvertently, with KASH’s ideology.

KASH’s Official Statement: A Call for Redistribution

A spokesperson for KASH, who identified themselves only as “Pat,” issued a statement to the press. “Our actions are a wake-up call. We cannot stand by while billions are funneled into space projects that serve the few, while the many suffer. It’s time to keep all spending here, where it’s needed most.”

The statement underscores KASH’s commitment to redirecting resources from space exploration to address socioeconomic disparities—a stance that has sparked both support and condemnation.

Public Opinion: A Nation Divided

The revelation of KASH’s alleged involvement has sparked a polarized response. Supporters argue that their actions, while extreme, highlight the need for a national discourse on fiscal priorities. “It’s a wake-up call,” says community organizer Jane Citizen. “We need to ask ourselves: are we funding rockets at the expense of our neighborhoods?”

Conversely, critics condemn the group’s methods as reckless and counterproductive. “Sabotaging scientific progress is not the answer,” asserts tech entrepreneur Chip Silicon. “We can address societal issues without hindering advancements that benefit humanity as a whole.”

The Bigger Picture: Balancing Aspirations and Obligations

The incident raises broader questions about the allocation of resources in pursuit of technological milestones versus addressing immediate societal needs. It’s a delicate balance—championing innovation while ensuring that the benefits of progress are equitably distributed.

As the investigation unfolds, one thing remains clear: the intersection of activism, cybersecurity, and space exploration has created a complex narrative that challenges our perceptions of progress and protest. Whether KASH’s claims are substantiated or dismissed, the conversation they’ve ignited is bound to influence policy discussions in boardrooms and barbershops alike.

In the words of the late philosopher Dr. Seuss, “Oh, the places you’ll go!”—but perhaps, before we venture too far, we should ensure there’s no place like home.

Statements from Anti-Musk Protesters Who Are Marxists

• Comrade Julio Sánchez, People’s Economic Liberation Front:
  “Elon Musk represents the bourgeois fantasy of escaping to Mars while the workers of the world remain shackled to wage slavery. Space exploration is just another capitalist scheme to extract resources and leave the poor behind! We say: No rockets until every worker has a home, healthcare, and a fair share of the wealth!”
• Maria Petrova, Workers Against Billionaire Exploitation (WABE):
  “Musk hoards billions while his workers struggle to afford rent. He builds rockets instead of fair wages, and yet he has the audacity to call himself a visionary? The only vision we need is economic justice and worker control over production!”
• Comrade Leroy Jackson, Revolutionary Front for Economic Justice:
  “Why should we let Musk build his billionaire space utopia when working-class people can’t even afford groceries? He wants to terraform Mars? Try terraforming Detroit first! The revolution will not be live-streamed from a SpaceX capsule—it will be fought on the streets of America!”

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Disclaimer: This article is a satirical piece, blending factual events with fictional elements for the purpose of commentary and entertainment. Any resemblance to real persons or organizations is purely coincidental.

Note: Specific links to Howard University and Prairie View A&M University messaging boards where KASH’s statements were posted could not be located. It is possible that such posts have been removed or were never publicly accessible.

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What the Funny People Are Saying…

“You gotta love a group whose entire mission is just ‘Stop doing cool sht!’ Like, who hurt you? Did a telescope make fun of you in high school?”* — Bill Burr

“KASH thinks money should stay here on Earth. You know who else does? Billionaires! They keep it all in tax havens! So, congrats, KASH, you and Jeff Bezos finally have something in common.” — Trevor Noah

“I get it, they want to ‘Keep All Spending Here.’ But, uh, you can’t spell ‘KASH’ without ‘ASH’—which is exactly what they turned that rocket into!” — Kevin Hart

“These guys are out here hacking SpaceX like, ‘No one gets off this planet until we fix the healthcare system!’ Man, we can do BOTH! You ever heard of multitasking?” — Chris Rock

“KASH claims they stopped a rocket launch because they wanted the money spent on social services. Meanwhile, the Pentagon loses $2 trillion every week and nobody blinks an eye. Maybe KASH should hack that budget.” — John Mulaney

“If KASH really wanted to stop billionaires from wasting money, they should hack the Met Gala. Have you seen what these people wear? Elon Musk once wore a vampire costume that cost more than my college tuition.” — Ali Wong

“They’re mad about space? The ONE thing America is actually good at? Bro, if we gave up on space every time something exploded, we wouldn’t even have microwaves!” — Hannibal Buress

“KASH thinks money should stay on Earth. Cool, but have you seen Earth? Maybe we should start putting some savings in the Mars bank account, just in case this place keeps going the way it’s going.” — Jim Gaffigan

“Elon Musk is out here trying to colonize Mars, and KASH is like, ‘Nah, we need that money for potholes.’ Meanwhile, I hit three potholes just getting to this show tonight, so honestly, I think we should just leave.” — Wanda Sykes

“KASH says they want universal payments for not working. Man, I’ve seen that system before—it’s called being a trust fund baby!” — Dave Chappelle

“They want government checks just for existing? I mean, fine. But can we at least make them prove they’re doing something useful, like keeping their plants alive or not blocking the grocery aisle with a cart full of nothing but ramen?” — Bill Burr

“KASH is out here saying, ‘We want money for not working.’ Bro, that’s called an inheritance. And you gotta be BORN rich for that. It’s not a policy, it’s a personality disorder.” — Trevor Noah

“They want transfer payments AND universal checks? That’s like saying, ‘I want free food, but also a personal chef, and also, I want DoorDash to pay me to eat it.’” — Kevin Hart

“KASH says money should stay on Earth. Yeah, no sht. Money doesn’t just wake up and say, ‘Screw this, I’m going to Jupiter!’ It already stays here—it’s just not in your pocket!”* — Chris Rock

“If KASH really wants a universal payment for doing nothing, I say we call it what it is—‘The Netflix and Chill Stimulus Package.’” — John Mulaney

“KASH wants everyone to get a check, even if they don’t work. So basically, they want America to be one giant HOA meeting where nobody actually fixes the community pool, but we all still demand our free refreshments.” — Ali Wong

“These dudes want government checks for breathing. Bro, my grandma’s been collecting social security for 20 years, and even SHE thinks that’s too much!” — Hannibal Buress

“KASH wants space exploration money spent on transfer payments, but also wants people to get paid for doing absolutely nothing. We already have that—it’s called Congress!” — Jim Gaffigan

“You’re telling me KASH hacked SpaceX so the government could cut them a check for staying home? Man, that’s the first time a hacker’s demanded LESS work!” — Wanda Sykes

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KASH—Keep All Spending Here—has big dreams for SpaceX’s money…

KASH—Keep All Spending Here—has big dreams for America’s stolen money, and by “dreams,” we mean the most wasteful, absurd, and outright hilarious uses of taxpayer dollars imaginable.

First, they want universal payments for existing—that’s right, a government check for breathing. No work, no effort, just vibes. If you wake up and manage to remember your own name, congratulations! Here’s your free money, courtesy of sabotaged rockets and a blown-up economy.

Next, they demand a federally funded “Do Nothing Fund”, where people get paid to “contribute to society” by watching Netflix, posting lukewarm takes on social media, and complaining about capitalism—while living entirely off of it.

KASH also insists on “Emotional Reparations”—payouts for stress, boredom, and even mild inconvenience. If you had to wait more than 30 seconds for a coffee, you get a check. If someone sneezed too loudly near you, that’s trauma—send the cash.

And let’s not forget the “Restoration of Vibes” Initiative, where tax dollars are wasted on free therapy goats, public yoga instructors, and mandatory deep-breathing classes to “center” America’s laziest citizens.

KASH: Making sure stolen money is wasted on nonsense, one taxpayer at a time!

Gambling Interests

Rumors are swirling that KASH—Keep All Spending Here—isn’t just about stopping space travel and demanding free money. No, this noble cause of “wealth redistribution” just happens to funnel straight into the pockets of urban sports gamblers—the guys who put their rent money on a parlay and think they’re financial geniuses.

Investigators suspect that offshore gambling websites have quietly been backing KASH’s hacking and sabotage efforts, ensuring that every dollar diverted from rocket science finds its way into online betting accounts instead. “Why send a billionaire to Mars when we could be betting on the Knicks to cover the spread?” reads a KASH manifesto suspiciously posted from a sportsbook lounge in Atlantic City.

A deeper dive into the group’s financials suggests that KASH’s ‘universal income’ proposal is really just a slush fund for degenerate gamblers. Sources claim they want taxpayer dollars flowing directly into DraftKings, FanDuel, and suspicious crypto-based casinos run out of Belize.

“It’s not welfare—it’s an investment,” said one KASH supporter, placing a $500 bet on a 16-leg parlay. “With government-funded betting accounts, every American will finally have a fair shot at turning their stimulus check into an even bigger loss.”

KASH’s alleged ties to offshore gambling sites…

When asked about KASH’s alleged ties to offshore gambling sites and the influx of government money into sports betting, the NFL, NBA, and MLB all declined to comment.

League representatives remained tight-lipped, with one anonymous insider stating, “We have no official stance on federally subsidized sports gambling… but if taxpayers are funding it, we’d like our cut.”

Meanwhile, sportsbooks saw a suspicious spike in high-risk bets placed immediately after KASH’s manifesto was posted. One Vegas oddsmaker quipped, “We don’t know who’s backing KASH, but if the government wants to bankroll our customers, we’re not complaining.”

 

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HuffPost’s Guide to Clickbait Journalism: How to Weaponize ‘Truly Bizarre’ for Maximum Outrage

From Marxist Café to ‘Bizarre’ Headline Factories – A Deep Dive into the HuffPost Playbook

New York – A deep investigation into the hallowed halls of HuffPost has revealed a shocking, truly bizarre, and utterly outrageous truth: It appears their newsroom operates less like a bastion of journalism and more like an improv theater where every act is a dramatic reenactment of Karl Marx’s dream journal.

Eyewitnesses, former staffers, and leading experts in the field of journalistic absurdity have come forward to unveil how HuffPost has transformed its reporting into an art form that blends melodrama, selective outrage, and enough “truly bizarre” headlines to fuel a conspiracy theory convention.

“They should rename it The Huffington Postmodernist Experiment,” quipped media critic Astrid Holgersson. “Their articles are basically a performance piece on what happens when clickbait meets political activism.”

The Magic of ‘Truly Bizarre’: HuffPost’s Headline Algorithm Exposed

According to sources inside HuffPost, the editorial team reportedly uses a patented “Click-Whisper AI” that generates the most outrage-friendly headlines. The system reportedly combines three essential elements:

1. A Political Figure They Loathe
2. A Mildly Interesting Event or Statement
3. The Phrase “Truly Bizarre”

For example, this cutting-edge algorithm produced classics such as:

• “Trump Posts Truly Bizarre Rant About Ketchup Bottles”
• “Elon Musk Says Something Truly Bizarre About Space Weasels”
• “Ron DeSantis Appears In Public Wearing A Truly Bizarre Hat”

“There is no limit to how many times they can use the phrase ‘truly bizarre,’” said former HuffPost staffer Greta Weissmann. “It’s like their secret sauce, but instead of being tasty, it’s just repetitive.”

Meet Ed Mazza: HuffPost’s Oracle of Outrage

One of the key figures at HuffPost, Ed Mazza, has been described as a “Marxist Nostradamus” due to his uncanny ability to predict the next headline that will trigger the maximum number of Facebook arguments.

Insiders claim that Mazza’s morning routine includes spinning a giant outrage wheel to determine the day’s talking points. The wheel is reportedly divided into categories like:

• “Trump Bizarre Behavior”
• “Republicans Hate Puppies”
• “Weird Elon Musk News”
• “America Is Over”

“It’s basically like watching a dystopian version of ‘Wheel of Fortune,’ except the only letters they ever reveal spell out ‘Fascism,’” said Clara Olsen, a satirical media analyst.

The HuffPost Café: Where Latte Art Meets Leninism

Former employees of HuffPost have described the breakroom as a Marxist speakeasy, where staffers sip on “Proletariat Pumpkin Spice Lattes” while discussing whether capitalism should be abolished before or after lunch.

One source described it as “a cross between a hipster coffee shop and a Communist study group”, adding that new hires must pass a Karl Marx trivia test before being allowed to sit in the “Good Vibes Only” section of the newsroom.

“They don’t even have regular coffee,” said Hannah Miller, a media culture expert. “They only serve oat milk lattes, which, ironically, are more expensive than regular capitalism-approved coffee.”

HuffPost’s ‘Truly Bizarre’ Obsession: A Timeline of Redundancy

Our investigative team conducted an exhaustive analysis of HuffPost’s articles over the past year and found that the phrase “truly bizarre” appeared approximately 3,426 times—or roughly ten times per article.

This is an astonishing number, considering that real journalism typically involves some level of variety in language.

“I don’t think they know any other adjectives,” said Maren Eriksson, who has spent years studying digital media trends. “They might need an intervention. Or at least a thesaurus.”

The HuffPost Journalist Starter Pack

Insiders have leaked the official HuffPost writer’s toolkit, which includes:

• A list of pre-approved adjectives (Top choices: “outrageous,” “problematic,” and “truly bizarre”)
• A Bias-O-Meter to ensure articles maintain an acceptable level of partisan slant
• An automatic ‘Fact-Check’ button that always defaults to “Republicans Lie”
• A framed photo of Karl Marx wearing a beanie

Former employees say there is also a secret Slack channel called “How To Frame Everything As Trump’s Fault,” where staffers brainstorm new ways to make literally anything about the former president.

“I once saw a HuffPost article blame Trump for an earthquake in Peru,” said Lotte Heidenreich, an expert on media bias. “It’s honestly impressive how far they can stretch things.”

Ed Mazza’s Journalism Degree: Fact or Fiction?

A deep dive into Ed Mazza’s academic history has raised serious questions about his credentials. A former classmate claimed that he majored in Interpretive Dance and Minored in Outrage Studies.

However, HuffPost insists Mazza is a “serious journalist” and refutes the claim that his degree came from the University of Woke.

“We don’t answer smear campaigns,” said a HuffPost spokesperson. “Our only mission is to fight misinformation—except the kind that benefits us.”

Bias? What Bias? The HuffPost Editorial Chant

Sources inside the newsroom claim that HuffPost staffers begin every meeting with a ceremonial chant to reaffirm their commitment to editorial purity:

“Objectivity is a social construct! Clicks over facts! Orange man bad!”

Experts say this level of bias is unprecedented, even in the wild world of digital media.

“If HuffPost were any more biased, they’d have to register as an arm of the Democratic National Committee,” said Elinor Jørgensen, a media watchdog.

Inside the HuffPost ‘Fact-Checking’ Department

One of the most truly bizarre revelations in our investigation was the inner workings of HuffPost’s fact-checking department.

According to a whistleblower, HuffPost fact-checkers rely entirely on a Magic 8-Ball to verify claims. The responses reportedly include:

• “Mostly False, Because We Said So”
• “Ask Again Later”
• “Orange Man Bad”

“It’s honestly just a prop,” said one former fact-checker. “If a claim fits our narrative, it’s automatically true. If it doesn’t, we hit the ‘Debunk’ button.”

A HuffPost Article in Real Time: The Step-by-Step Process

To understand how HuffPost operates, we recreated their article-writing process:

1. Pick a Conservative (Preferably Trump)
2. Find Anything They Did (Even Breathing Works)
3. Call It ‘Truly Bizarre’
4. Find a Random Twitter User Who Agrees
5. Publish It as News
6. Wait for Retweets

Former staffers claim this process never fails to generate engagement.

“I once wrote an article about a GOP senator ordering vanilla ice cream and called it ‘a dog whistle for white supremacy,’” confessed a former writer. “It got six million views.”

Conclusion: Why It’s Time to Retire ‘Truly Bizarre’

At this point, HuffPost has fully exhausted the phrase “truly bizarre.” It has lost all meaning. If something is truly bizarre, shouldn’t it be something actually strange—like a man marrying a bagel or a penguin running for office?

Instead, HuffPost has devalued the term by applying it to every mundane event that involves someone they dislike.

“This is why trust in media is at an all-time low,” said Jasmine Carter, a satirical media expert. “We deserve better. And by better, I mean at least one new adjective.”

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Disclaimer

This article was painstakingly crafted by an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. Any resemblance to real journalists is purely coincidental. If you find yourself outraged, please direct complaints to the nearest Magic 8-Ball.

Decoding HuffPost’s Editorial Antics

In the ever-evolving landscape of digital journalism, certain patterns emerge that are as predictable as they are entertaining. Take, for instance, HuffPost’s penchant for sensationalism, where headlines often resemble the output of a rogue AI trained exclusively on tabloids. A recent gem: “Trump Called Out After Posting Truly Bizarre ‘What’s Next’ Video” — huffpost.com

. One can’t help but wonder if their editorial meetings involve a dartboard filled with provocative phrases.

The ‘Truly Bizarre’ Obsession

The frequent use of “truly bizarre” in HuffPost’s headlines has become a signature move, akin to a magician’s overused rabbit-in-the-hat trick. This linguistic crutch not only undermines the gravity of actual news but also desensitizes readers to genuine oddities. It’s as if the editorial team believes that by declaring something “truly bizarre,” they’ve done half the work of convincing readers of its importance.

Ed Mazza: The Man, The Myth, The Marxist?

Ed Mazza, a prolific contributor to HuffPost, has been accused by some critics of harboring a Marxist bias. While it’s easy to label any dissenting voice as radical, a closer examination of Mazza’s work reveals a commitment to holding power accountable—a cornerstone of journalism. However, the perception of bias often stems from the selective amplification of certain narratives over others.

The Dropout Dilemma

A humorous stereotype suggests that HuffPost’s newsroom is populated by college dropouts armed with MacBooks and a thirst for social justice. While educational pedigree doesn’t necessarily equate to journalistic integrity, the real concern lies in the potential echo chamber this creates. A diverse range of experiences and viewpoints is essential to balanced reporting, and an overrepresentation of any single perspective can skew the narrative.

Bias Confirmation: A Two-Way Street

Accusations of bias are not unique to HuffPost; they plague media outlets across the spectrum. The real issue arises when readers seek out news that confirms their preexisting beliefs, creating a feedback loop that reinforces division. Media literacy and critical consumption are vital in navigating this landscape, allowing readers to discern between genuine reporting and sensationalist fluff.

Conclusion: The Satirical Mirror

While it’s easy to lampoon HuffPost for its editorial quirks, it’s important to recognize the broader implications of media practices that prioritize clicks over content. Satire serves as a mirror, reflecting not just the absurdities of its subject but also the audience’s role in perpetuating them. As consumers of news, we hold the power to demand better—starting with a moratorium on the phrase “truly bizarre.”

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Observations on HuffPost’s Reporting and Its Contributors

1. The HuffPost Headline Generator: Ever notice how HuffPost headlines often read like a game of “Mad Libs” gone awry? It’s as if they have a template: “[Politician’s Name] Called Out After Posting Truly Bizarre [Noun].” Next up: “Trump Criticized After Sharing Truly Bizarre Lasagna Recipe.”

2. Ed Mazza’s Secret Identity: Rumor has it that Ed Mazza isn’t just a journalist; he’s also a part-time psychic. How else could he predict the exact angle that will stir the most controversy? Move over, Nostradamus.

3. The Marxist Café: HuffPost’s break room is said to be decorated with vintage posters of Karl Marx, where writers sip on “Proletariat Pumpkin Spice Lattes” while discussing the means of production.

4. The Unseen Dropout Epidemic: It’s a little-known fact that HuffPost’s hiring process involves scouting local coffee shops for college dropouts who can craft a scathing op-ed while perfecting latte art.

5. Bias? What Bias?: HuffPost’s editorial meetings reportedly start with a chant: “Objective journalism is overrated!” It’s all about that sweet, sweet bias.

6. The ‘Bizarre’ Buzzword: If you had a dollar for every time HuffPost used the word “bizarre” in a headline, you could probably fund your own news outlet—one that doesn’t rely on thesaurus-driven journalism.

7. Ed Mazza’s Journalism Degree: Sources say Ed Mazza earned his journalism degree from the “University of Woke,” where courses include “Advanced Outrage Generation” and “Clickbait Crafting 101.”

8. The HuffPost Writer’s Toolkit: Each writer is equipped with a “Bias-O-Meter” to ensure their articles meet the required level of slant before publication.

9. The ‘Truly Bizarre’ Drinking Game: Readers have invented a game where they take a shot every time HuffPost uses “truly bizarre” in an article. Doctors advise against participating.

10. Ed Mazza’s Morning Routine: He reportedly starts his day by spinning a wheel labeled with various political figures and adjectives to determine his next article: “Ah, ‘Trump’ and ‘bizarre’ it is!”

11. The HuffPost School of Journalism: Enrollment requires submitting an essay on “Why Objectivity is a Social Construct” and a portfolio of your best Twitter feuds.

12. Ed Mazza’s Desk Décor: His workspace is adorned with participation trophies from the “Jumping to Conclusions” championships.

13. The HuffPost Fact-Checking Department: Rumor has it, it’s just a Magic 8-Ball with responses like “Outlook not so good” and “Ask again later.”

14. Ed Mazza’s Writing Playlist: He jams out to “Marxist Manifesto: The Musical” while penning his latest hot take.

15. The HuffPost Motto: “Why let facts get in the way of a good story?” It’s printed on a motivational poster in the office.

 

 

The post HuffPost’s Guide to Clickbait Journalism appeared first on Bohiney News.

Vatican’s Overcorrection: The Papal Health Saga That Became a Reality Show

A Crisis of Transparency: The Pope’s Health Goes Primetime

In the grand tradition of the Vatican keeping secrets so well that they still haven’t told us what’s in the third secret of Fatima, something unprecedented happened—full transparency. And by “full transparency,” we mean hourly medical bulletins, real-time heart rate updates, and papal bed rest livestreams. If you thought reality TV had gone too far, wait until you see “Keeping Up with the Cardiologists: Vatican Edition.”

It all started when Pope Francis was admitted to the hospital with a double pneumonia diagnosis, something that previously would have been announced in the classic Vatican way: a vague press release followed by months of speculation. But no, not this time. The Vatican decided that too much secrecy was the problem, and in an overcorrection of biblical proportions, they began releasing medical reports so detailed even WebMD was like, “Maybe don’t share that much.”

And thus, the world was introduced to the Papal Health Report, a daily (sometimes hourly) dispatch straight from the Vatican’s new favorite pastime: live medical narration. But as the updates rolled in, so did the absurdity. It wasn’t long before this crisis of transparency turned into an unintentional comedy of errors.

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Live from the Vatican: The Daily Papal Health Report

“The Pope’s Blood Pressure is Perfect”—A Breaking News Story

The first bulletin seemed innocent enough:
“Pope Francis is resting well and responding to treatment.”

But then things escalated quickly.

“The Pope’s morning walk was completed successfully. His step count has increased by 3.4%.”

“Blood pressure remains optimal. Oxygen levels steady. No signs of divine intervention required.”

By day three, the updates read like a Fitbit notification on steroids:

“Pope Francis consumed a light breakfast: a bowl of broth, a single cracker, and a sip of tea. His digestion remains untroubled.”

That’s when people started to realize—the Vatican had gone too far. What was once sacred silence had become a minute-by-minute press release. Some began speculating that the next step would be a pay-per-view livestream of his hospital room.

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The iPope App: Bringing Papal Health to Your Fingertips

Alerts for Every Holy Breath

Just when we thought things couldn’t get more ridiculous, the Vatican introduced “iPope,” an app that would allow the faithful to receive real-time health notifications about Pope Francis. Because nothing says divine wisdom like a push notification saying, “Pope Francis has successfully napped.”

Features included:

• Daily hydration updates: “Pope Francis has met his daily water intake goal. Stay hydrated, followers!”
• “Bless-o-Meter” stats: “The Pope has blessed 17% more people today than yesterday!”
• Live pulse readings: “Heart rate: holy. Oxygen levels: sanctified.”

Some users joked that they were one update away from being notified of the Pope’s bathroom schedule, but others were genuinely concerned. Did the Vatican really think people wanted play-by-play medical reporting? Or was this a secret test for the Second Coming notification system?

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The Livestream Debacle: Keeping the Faithful a Little Too Informed

24/7 Pope Cam—Because Why Not?

At the peak of their transparency binge, the Vatican considered launching a 24/7 livestream from the Pope’s hospital room. Imagine it—a Twitch stream featuring a 86-year-old religious leader doing absolutely nothing.

Fortunately, the Vatican reconsidered. But not before they accidentally left a livestream running of an empty chair in the Pope’s office. Viewers tuned in expecting holy insight, but instead, they got a chair…for 12 hours straight. Strangely, this bizarre broadcast gained thousands of viewers, leading some to believe that even in absence, the Pope remains compelling television.

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Medical Jargon Meets the Masses: Confusing the Faithful

“Respiratory Crisis” or “Just a Cough”?

When the Vatican started releasing highly detailed medical reports, many Catholics found themselves googling words they never thought they’d need:
“What is a transient ischemic attack?”
“How many liters of oxygen does the average human need?”
“Is it a sin to be confused by the Pope’s health bulletin?”

One particularly distressing update stated that the Pope was experiencing a “prolonged asthma-like respiratory crisis.” The faithful panicked. Was he dying? Was this a test of faith? Should everyone light a candle immediately?

It turns out, he just had a cough. But by the time this was clarified, half of Italy had already organized prayer vigils and a pilgrimage to the hospital.

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Merchandising the Pope’s Recovery: Holy Swag Hits the Market

Get Well Soon, Pope Francis (Limited Edition Mug)

Once something becomes newsworthy, you can bet capitalism will find a way to monetize it. Enterprising vendors saw an opportunity to turn the Pope’s health crisis into a brand.

Soon, Vatican gift shops were flooded with “Get Well Soon, Pope!” merchandise. Some bestsellers included:

• T-shirts that read “I Survived the 2024 Papal Pneumonia Scare.”
• Mugs featuring Pope Francis giving a thumbs-up with the phrase “God’s Not Done with Me Yet.”
• Limited edition rosary beads marketed as “Pneumonia Protection Beads.”

Some say it was in poor taste. Others? Well, they’re selling like holy water at an exorcism.

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Confessionals Become Therapy Sessions

“Bless Me, Father, for I Have Worried”

Priests worldwide reported a sharp increase in confessionals—but not for sins. Parishioners were now confessing their anxiety over the Pope’s well-being.

“Father, forgive me, but I’ve been checking Vatican updates every hour.”

“Bless me, Father, for I have worried too much about the Pope’s white blood cell count.”

One overwhelmed priest in Milan admitted:
“Honestly, at this point, I’m just telling people to breathe deeply and maybe watch less Catholic Twitter.”

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The Pope’s Diet Becomes a Lenten Fad

“Franciscan Fasting Soup: Now Available”

If the Pope’s eating habits were public knowledge, it was only a matter of time before someone turned them into a health trend.

Soon, Catholics worldwide were adopting the “Papal Pneumonia Recovery Diet.” What did it include?

• Broths.
• Crackers.
• Light teas.
• No indulgences whatsoever.

Influencers began posting about the “Pope Francis Cleanse,” promising that eating like the Pope would bring you closer to God. Never mind that it was a diet designed for someone recovering from a severe illness.

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The Pope’s Health Becomes a Political Football

“Experts” Weigh In on What Francis Should Do

Because no crisis is complete without politicians trying to get involved, members of parliament and world leaders started offering unsolicited medical advice.

An Italian senator declared:
“We must consider the Pope’s diet—perhaps more Mediterranean foods will ensure longevity!”

A U.S. Congressman suggested:
“Maybe a little less wine and pasta, a little more protein!”

The Vatican responded diplomatically:
“Thank you for your concern, but His Holiness prefers his traditional pasta and morning prayers.”

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Social Media Frenzy: #PrayForThePope Trends

Meme Culture Meets Catholicism

With the world obsessing over Pope Francis’ health, Twitter (or X, but let’s be real, it’s still Twitter) exploded with memes.

Some fan favorites:

• A photo of Pope Francis flexing, captioned: “Stay strong, Francis!”
• A meme of Jesus saying, “Take it easy, man. You’ve done enough.”
• A Photoshopped Rocky montage featuring Pope Francis training for his return.

Meanwhile, the Pope’s official account accidentally liked a tweet that suggested he try essential oils. The Vatican blamed a “social media intern.”

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The Betting Pool Scandal

“Pope Recovery Odds” Set in Vegas

Because there’s nothing that can’t be turned into a bet, Vegas oddsmakers started taking bets on the Pope’s recovery timeline.

Gamblers placed wagers on:

• When he’d be discharged.
• If he’d make a balcony appearance before Easter.
• Whether or not his doctors would get promoted to sainthood.

The Vatican swiftly condemned the practice of gambling on the Pope’s health. That didn’t stop people from placing bets on when they’d condemn it.

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Final Thoughts: Has the Vatican Learned Its Lesson?

As Pope Francis continues his recovery, it seems the Vatican has finally started dialing back the excessive updates. Perhaps they realized that turning the Papal recovery into a season of “Grey’s Anatomy” wasn’t the best approach.

One thing’s for sure: when the Pope is finally cleared to return to his duties, expect a press release, a livestream, and at least three commemorative coffee mugs.

And if we’re lucky, maybe a subscription service: “Pope Plus—Get Your Monthly Papal Wellness Updates, Ad-Free.”

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Disclaimer

This story is a 100% factual collaboration between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. No Popes were harmed in the making of this satire.

Papal Health

1. The Vatican’s Medical Bulletins Rival Soap Operas

Gone are the days of vague statements about the Pope’s health. Now, the Holy See’s press office provides daily updates with the drama and detail of a daytime soap opera. One day, Pope Francis is “resting comfortably”; the next, he’s “engaged in a spirited debate with his doctors over the merits of hospital food.” It’s only a matter of time before these updates include cliffhangers: “Will the Pope finish his Jell-O? Tune in tomorrow to find out!”

2. Papal Health App: “iPope”

Embracing modern technology, the Vatican has launched the “iPope” app, allowing the faithful to receive real-time notifications about the Pope’s health. Users can choose from alerts like “Pope’s blood pressure is optimal” or “Pope’s morning walk completed 3,000 steps.” For a premium subscription, the app offers live heart rate monitoring and a daily “Pope’s Wellness Tip.”

3. Overzealous Transparency: Live-Streaming the Papal Bedside

In an effort to quash rumors, the Vatican briefly considered live-streaming the Pope’s hospital room. The idea was scrapped after realizing that watching the pontiff sleep, read, or sip tea might not be the riveting content the public craves. However, a 24/7 “Pope Cam” featuring his empty office chair garnered a surprisingly large following.

4. Medical Jargon Confuses the Masses

The detailed medical bulletins, filled with complex terminology, have left many scratching their heads. Reports of the Pope’s “prolonged asthma-like respiratory crisis” led to a surge in Google searches for medical dictionaries. Some faithful have taken to carrying stethoscopes to Mass, just in case they’re called upon to interpret the latest update.

5. Papal Health Merchandise Hits the Market

Capitalizing on the public’s interest, enterprising vendors have started selling “Get Well Soon, Pope Francis” merchandise. From T-shirts featuring the Pope giving a thumbs-up to mugs that say, “I got the Pope’s health update and all I got was this lousy coffee cup,” the Vatican gift shop is experiencing a renaissance.

6. Confessionals Double as Therapy Sessions

With the constant flow of health updates, some parishioners have begun using confessionals to express their anxieties about the Pope’s well-being. Priests now find themselves offering spiritual guidance alongside reassurances that “Yes, the Pope’s cholesterol levels are just fine.”

7. The Pope’s Diet Becomes a Lenten Fad

Details about the Pope’s hospital meals have inspired a new Lenten diet trend. Devout Catholics are swapping indulgent foods for “Pope-approved” broths and crackers. Cookbooks featuring recipes like “Franciscan Fasting Soup” are flying off the shelves.

8. Papal Health Updates Interrupt Regular Programming

Catholic television networks have started interrupting regular programming to bring live updates on the Pope’s health. Viewers tuning in for their favorite hymns are instead met with breaking news: “The Pope has successfully completed his afternoon nap.” Ratings have never been higher.

9. Pilgrimages to the Hospital

Devotees have begun organizing pilgrimages to the hospital where Pope Francis is admitted. While they can’t enter, standing outside and holding vigil has become a popular activity. Local street vendors report a booming trade in candles, rosaries, and “I Heart the Pope” banners.

10. The Pope’s Health Becomes a Political Football

Politicians worldwide are weighing in on the Pope’s health, offering unsolicited medical advice. One senator suggested a regimen of kale smoothies, while another recommended daily yoga. The Vatican politely declined, stating that the Pope prefers his traditional pasta and morning prayers.

11. Social Media Frenzy: #PrayForThePope Trends

The hashtag #PrayForThePope has taken social media by storm. Users share memes of the Pope flexing his muscles with captions like, “Stay strong, Francis!” Even the Pope’s official account accidentally liked a tweet suggesting he try herbal tea remedies.

12. Papal Health Becomes a Betting Pool

In a questionable display of piety, some have started betting pools on the Pope’s recovery milestones. Wagers range from the date of his hospital discharge to the number of times he’ll bless the crowd from his window. The Vatican has condemned this practice, reminding the faithful that spirituality isn’t a game of chance.

13. The Pope’s Medical Team Gains Celebrity Status

The doctors and nurses attending to Pope Francis have become overnight celebrities. Fan clubs have formed, and there’s talk of a reality TV show titled “Keeping Up with the Cardiologists.” Hospitals worldwide report a surge in medical school applications, inspired by the “Pope’s Miracle Workers.”

14. Confusion with New Orleans Saints

A social media mishap led to the Vatican’s official X (formerly Twitter) account inadvertently promoting the New Orleans Saints football team. The hashtag #Saints automatically added the team’s fleur-de-lis emoji, leading to comments like, “Even the Pope is praying for a better season!” The Vatican has since clarified that while the Pope supports all saints, his football allegiances remain with soccer. — apnews.com

15. The Pope’s Recovery Inspires a Fitness Challenge

Inspired by the Pope’s resilience, a new fitness challenge has emerged: “Sweat Like the Holy See.” Participants engage in daily walks, mindful meditation, and, of course, enjoy a glass of wine in the evening. After all, if it’s good

The post The Papal Health Saga appeared first on Bohiney News.

Mishing: The Newest Cybersecurity Threat That Will Definitely Ruin Your Life

Because Regular Scams Just Weren’t Stressful Enough

Mishing, the latest digital scam that sounds more like an adorable British insult than a cybersecurity threat, is now here to make your life even more miserable. Forget phishing—sending scam emails and hoping some poor soul clicks a link is so last decade. Cybercriminals have evolved! They now use text messages to scam you, because apparently, stealing your money through email was too inefficient.

According to experts, mishing (a mix of “SMS” and “phishing”) is already responsible for 62% of bad decisions made before morning coffee. That percentage skyrockets to 99% when the scam text starts with “Your package is delayed.” Because let’s face it—who among us is strong enough to ignore the possibility that our latest impulse Amazon purchase has vanished into the abyss?

“I got a text saying my bank account was compromised. Joke’s on them—I don’t even have a bank account, just a wallet full of old Chipotle receipts.” — Taylor Tomlinson

The Anatomy of a Mishing Attack

Mishing messages typically contain:

• A fake emergency – “Your bank account has been compromised! Click this link before your life falls apart!”
• A fake reward – “Congratulations! You’ve won $10,000 from a contest you never entered! Just provide your Social Security number for verification!”
• An emotional hook – “Mom, my phone is broken! I need money urgently! Don’t call me because my voice is also broken!”

Once you click the link, you’re taken to a website that looks just real enough to fool someone whose primary source of news is their cousin’s Facebook page. And just like that, your passwords, bank details, and possibly your dignity are gone.

Why Mishing Works So Well

Mishing is successful for three reasons:

1. People panic at the speed of light. Studies show that humans can go from “calm” to “Oh no, my identity is stolen!” in under 0.3 seconds.
2. Nobody reads fine print. If criminals write “Do not click this link unless you want to be scammed,” most of us would still click, just to see what happens.
3. We trust texts too much. It’s hard to believe a scammer is texting you when the only people who normally do are your dentist and your mom.

Experts Are Concerned, But Only When On Camera

Cybersecurity professionals are warning that mishing is becoming a major issue, but their official response is:

“Change your passwords, don’t click strange links, and maybe just stop using technology altogether.”

One leading expert, Dr. Nathaniel Codebreaker, warns, “If you receive a text claiming to be from your bank, ignore it. Banks don’t use texts. They prefer to torment you through automated phone calls and 45-minute hold times.”

Real-Life Victims Share Their Tragic Stories

Susan, 43, Avid Shopper

“I got a text saying my package was delayed and needed verification. I clicked, entered my details, and suddenly my credit card was buying luxury handbags in Dubai. Joke’s on them—I can’t even afford luxury handbags in Ohio!”

Mark, 29, Tech Enthusiast

“I received a text about a free iPhone giveaway. Of course, I clicked! I only realized it was a scam when my checking account turned into a checking out account.”

Grandma Judy, 78, Victim of Too Many Scams

“They said my grandchild was in trouble and needed money. I wired it immediately. Turns out, I don’t even have a grandchild. But just in case, I wired another $500.”

How to Protect Yourself from Mishing

If you want to avoid being mishandled by mishing, follow these simple rules:

1. Ignore all texts from numbers you don’t recognize. Even if it’s your boss. Especially if it’s your boss.
2. If a message creates panic, assume it’s a scam. True emergencies don’t arrive via text—except maybe when your ex is drunk.
3. Never click links in text messages. Unless you enjoy watching your bank account turn into a case study for financial ruin.
4. Call your bank directly. But be prepared for an interactive voice menu that will test your will to live.
5. Accept your fate. If you exist on the internet, your data was already stolen three breaches ago. At this point, just be flattered they even bothered.

Conclusion

Mishing is the cybercriminal’s way of saying, “We’ve upgraded, and so should you.” If you ever receive a suspicious text, remember: If it sounds too good to be true, or too scary to ignore, it’s probably a scam. Unless it’s a text from your mom reminding you to call her—then it’s definitely real.

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The Top 12 Smashing Scams You Absolutely Shouldn’t Fall For (But Probably Will)

Because If It Sounds Too Good to Be True, It’s Definitely a Scam

Scammers are like mosquitoes—they’re everywhere, they thrive in the dark, and no matter how much you try to avoid them, they will get you eventually. They evolve faster than your phone updates, and just when you think you’re too smart to fall for one, you’ll be the next victim wiring money to a “Nigerian prince” in a state of pure panic.

To help you stay one step ahead of these cybercriminal con artists, here are the top 12 most smashing scams that you need to watch out for (and definitely not fall for, but who are we kidding?).

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1. Mishing (SMS Phishing) – The Text Message Trap

Ah yes, the scam that sounds like a failed Olympic sport. This is when scammers send a fake text message pretending to be your bank, delivery service, or even a relative in distress. The text usually contains a shady link asking for personal details.

Common messages include:

• “Your package delivery failed! Click this link to reschedule or else you’ll never see it again!”
• “Your bank account has been compromised. Enter your login info here to confirm you exist.”
• “Grandma, it’s me! I need bail money! And also, I love you!”

How to Avoid It:

• Ignore texts from unknown numbers. Your bank is too busy charging overdraft fees to text you.
• Never click suspicious links. If a package is really missing, you’ll hear about it when your neighbor steals it off your porch.

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2. Phishing Emails – The Digital Fishing Expedition

This is the scam that your IT department has been warning you about for years. Scammers send an email pretending to be from Amazon, PayPal, or some government agency, asking you to “verify your account” by clicking a link and entering your credentials.

Common email subjects:

• “URGENT: Your Account Will Be Deleted in 24 Hours!”
• “You Have Won a $500 Gift Card! (Just Give Us Your Soul in Exchange)”
• “Dear Customer, Your Social Security Number Needs Verifying (Because We Like Stealing Identities for Fun)”

How to Avoid It:

• Hover over links before clicking. If it doesn’t go where it claims to, it’s a scam.
• Check for typos. If the email is from “Amazone.com” or “Appl3 Support,” congratulations—you’re being scammed.

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3. Tech Support Scams – The “Microsoft” Call You Didn’t Ask For

These scammers call and pretend to be from Microsoft, Apple, or another tech company, telling you that your computer has a virus. They’ll ask you to install remote access software so they can “help”—but in reality, they’re stealing your data faster than you can say Ctrl+Alt+Delete.

How to Avoid It:

• Microsoft will NEVER call you. They barely answer when you call them.
• Hang up immediately. Unless you actually enjoy strangers taking over your computer and draining your bank account.

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4. Lottery Scams – The Free Money You Didn’t Win

A classic. You get an email or text saying you’ve won millions in a lottery you never entered. All you have to do is pay a “processing fee” first.

How to Avoid It:

• If you never bought a lottery ticket, you didn’t win. That’s how lotteries work.
• Real prizes don’t ask for money up front. Unless it’s a rigged carnival game.

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5. Romance Scams – Love Is a Battlefield (and You Just Lost)

Some charming stranger messages you online, builds trust over weeks or months, and then suddenly needs money for a “medical emergency” or “visa fees” to visit you. Spoiler alert: They don’t exist, and now you’re $5,000 poorer.

How to Avoid It:

• Video chat before sending money. If they refuse, their “camera is broken,” or they always have a bad connection, they’re a scammer.
• If someone you never met in real life is asking for money, run. Love is priceless, but their scam isn’t.

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6. Fake Job Scams – Work From Home, Get Paid Nothing

You see a job listing that seems perfect: easy work, great pay, and no experience needed! Then they ask you to pay for “training materials” or send personal details before hiring you.

How to Avoid It:

• No legit job asks you to pay them first. That’s the opposite of how jobs work.
• If the salary seems too good to be true, it’s fake. Nobody’s paying you $5,000 a week to post TikToks.

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7. Social Media Giveaways – Congrats, You Won Nothing!

Ever get tagged in a post that says, “Congrats! You won a free iPhone! Just click this link and enter your personal info!” Yeah, that’s a scam.

How to Avoid It:

• Legit companies don’t randomly tag you in giveaways. They don’t even tag their own employees.
• Never enter personal details in a random link. Unless you enjoy identity theft.

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8. Investment Scams – Make $10,000 Overnight! (By Losing It All)

These scams promise high returns with zero risk—usually through cryptocurrency or “secret stock tips.” Spoiler: The only one getting rich is the scammer.

How to Avoid It:

• If it sounds too good to be true, it is. There’s no such thing as risk-free investment, unless you’re buying snacks.
• Never send money to “brokers” you met online. Unless you want your life savings to vanish.

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9. Fake Rental Listings – Your Dream Apartment Doesn’t Exist

You find an amazing rental for cheap. The only catch? The “landlord” needs a deposit before you can see it. Spoiler: It’s not real.

How to Avoid It:

• Never pay upfront before seeing a place. You might be renting air.
• Google the listing. If it appears on multiple sites with different prices, it’s fake.

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10. Fake Charities – Guilt-Trip Scams

Scammers pretend to be charities, often after disasters, and pressure you into donating immediately.

How to Avoid It:

• Donate directly through official charity websites. Not a random text message.
• Research before donating. Some scammers even pose as legit charities with tiny spelling differences.

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11. Fake Delivery Notifications – “Your Package Is Stuck”

You get a text saying your package can’t be delivered unless you “verify your info.” The link steals your credit card details.

How to Avoid It:

• Check tracking numbers through the carrier’s official site. Not a random text link.
• Delivery companies don’t text you like that. They’ll just leave your package outside in the rain.

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12. Deepfake Scams – Your CEO Isn’t Asking for Gift Cards

Scammers now use AI-generated deepfake voices to impersonate your boss or a loved one, asking for money.

How to Avoid It:

• If your “boss” calls asking for urgent gift cards, it’s a scam. Real bosses just make you work overtime for free.
• Always verify requests by calling the person back. Preferably not using the number they gave you.

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Conclusion

Scammers are getting smarter, but that doesn’t mean you have to get dumber. Stay alert, trust your instincts, and remember: if anyone asks for money over text, email, or phone—tell them your own funds are currently stuck in a Nigerian prince’s account.

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What the Funny People Are Saying about Mishing…

• “A prince from Nigeria emailed me about a fortune, so I sent him my student loan balance. If he wants to inherit something, he can start with my debt.” — Ilana Glazer

• “I got a call from ‘Microsoft’ saying my computer had a virus. I told them, ‘Buddy, this thing is so slow it probably has dysentery from the Oregon Trail.’” — Lauren Pattison

• “I almost fell for a scam text saying my package was delayed, but then I remembered—I’m broke. What package?” — Hannah Berner

• “A scammer called pretending to be my grandma needing money. I said, ‘Nice try. My grandma doesn’t call—she just sends cryptic Facebook comments in all caps.’” — Marcella Arguello

• “They say if you see something, say something. So when I got a phishing email from ‘Amazan,’ I replied, ‘Nice try, you illiterate thieves.’” — Zainab Johnson

• “I got an email saying I’d won a free vacation, so I clicked just to see. Now I have 57 viruses and the closest thing I have to a vacation is my Wi-Fi being too slow to load work emails.” — Amy Gledhill

• “A scammer said my Social Security number had been suspended. Oh no, what will I do? Not retire?!” — Rose Matafeo

• “I got a text from my ‘bank’ saying my account had unusual activity. I knew it was a scam because the only activity in my account is avoiding overdraft fees.” — Rachel Sennott

• “Scammers always say, ‘This is an urgent matter!’ Yeah, well so is me deciding what to eat for dinner, and yet I still ignore that problem daily.” — Irene Tu

• “A scammer told me I won $10,000 and just needed to pay a $500 fee. I said, ‘I can’t even afford to be scammed, man. Times are tough.’” — Savannah Lee

• “I keep getting calls about my car’s extended warranty. Joke’s on them—I don’t even have a car. Just a bus pass and a dream.” — Isabella Cruz

The post Mishing: The Newest Cybersecurity Threat appeared first on Bohiney News.

White House Prepares for the Eagles’ Visit Like a Natural Disaster Is Coming

Washington, D.C. – The Philadelphia Eagles are set to visit the White House following their Super Bowl LIX victory, but it seems the administration is preparing less for a championship celebration and more for a high-risk hostage situation. Officials have taken unprecedented precautions ahead of the Eagles’ arrival, treating the event like a Category 5 storm hitting Pennsylvania Avenue.

“The White House inviting the Eagles is like your grandma inviting the Hell’s Angels over for tea. ‘Just don’t touch the good china, boys!’” — Taylor Tomlinson

A Five-Alarm Situation: Fire Engines on Standby

Philadelphia sports fans are known for their high-energy celebrations, and by “high-energy,” we mean “fire hazards.” The White House has stationed five extra fire engines around the perimeter, with emergency crews prepared for any spontaneous combustion—whether it be from fireworks, overturned cars, or, historically speaking, an ignited Christmas tree.

D.C. Fire Chief John “Sparky” McBlaze admitted that he’s seen a lot in his career, but nothing quite like the Eagles’ Broad Street celebrations. “These people set their own city on fire over a football game,” McBlaze said, shaking his head. “If they get too excited in the Rose Garden, we might be watching a controlled burn of the White House hedges.”

The extra precautions stem from past Eagles celebrations, where public property—light poles, bus stops, and even convenience stores—became kindling. One firefighter in Philadelphia reported that during their last Super Bowl win, “someone set fire to a Wawa, and we still don’t know how.”

Secret Service Hiring Spree: “We Need More Bodies”

The Secret Service has been thrown into chaos, launching a last-minute hiring spree to ensure the safety of White House property—and possibly the President himself. Unnamed sources within the agency have confirmed that new hires are undergoing emergency training in “Mob Psychology” and “Pretzel-Related Projectiles.”

“Protecting a sitting president from an international threat is one thing,” said Secret Service agent Samantha “Eagle Eye” Roberts. “But protecting priceless historical artifacts from 53 guys hopped up on cheesesteaks and beer? That’s an entirely different level of danger.”

The concerns are not unfounded. After the Eagles’ last Super Bowl win, a fan famously ate horse manure off the street in celebration. “If someone is willing to eat manure over a football game, what do you think they’ll do if they see the White House silverware set?” asked one White House staffer, who wished to remain anonymous.

“Secret Service agents are getting crash courses in fan behavior. What’s the training? ‘If a guy in a Brian Dawkins jersey starts climbing the walls, deploy a hoagie and a nap zone immediately!’” — Marcella Arguello

The Great White House Inventory: Recording Serial Numbers on Everything

Inside the White House, staff members have been busy recording the serial numbers of every single item of value. The bust of Abraham Lincoln? Documented. The presidential pens? Photographed and counted. Even the napkin dispensers in the White House mess hall have been added to a running list.

Mildred “Lock and Key” Thompson, a veteran White House curator, has taken the lead on this effort. “It’s not that we don’t trust the Eagles,” Thompson said with a forced smile. “It’s just that we know…they might accidentally take some souvenirs.”

Thompson has reason to be concerned. During previous championship celebrations, sports teams have been known to take liberties with “mementos.” Former NFL player and Super Bowl winner Mark Schlereth recalled, “I once saw a guy from another team leave the White House with a spoon in his sock. If they get near the Oval Office, forget it. The desk might not be there when we wake up.”

Walmart Loss Prevention Experts Brought In to Mingle with Guests

Perhaps the most unusual security measure yet, the White House has enlisted the help of Walmart’s top loss prevention specialists to blend in with the party guests. These retail security experts, known for catching shoplifters on Black Friday, have been given special access to the event to monitor for any “accidental acquisitions.”

Gary “The Hawk” Jenkins, a Walmart veteran with over 20 years of experience in catching sticky-fingered shoppers, was unimpressed by the challenge. “I’ve tackled grandmas trying to steal toasters and teenagers stuffing PlayStations down their pants,” Jenkins said. “If an offensive lineman thinks he’s walking out with an ashtray, he’s got another thing coming.”

Cheesesteak-Proofing the Premises: Industrial Strength Grease Protection

White House officials have also taken extreme measures to safeguard the residence from Philadelphia’s most notorious export: the cheesesteak. A special team has been brought in to apply industrial-strength grease-resistant coatings to all furniture, tablecloths, and historical documents.

“We learned our lesson last time,” said White House kitchen coordinator Antoine “Butterfingers” Boulanger. “You ever tried to get melted provolone out of 19th-century wallpaper? It’s like trying to unsee an Eagles fan in jorts diving through a folding table.”

The move is backed by science. A recent study from the Philadelphia Culinary Institute found that the average cheesesteak contains enough grease to lubricate a small aircraft engine. The White House isn’t taking any chances.

Reinforced Goalposts: No Disassembling White House Fixtures

Given the Eagles’ fans’ tradition of tearing down goalposts after a big win, the White House has reinforced all vertical structures to prevent any incidents. The historical lampposts, fences, and even the Washington Monument are being “goalpost-proofed” with deep concrete reinforcements.

“Let’s just say, if they want to take down a light pole, they’ll need a backhoe and 10 hours of free time,” said Groundskeeper Earl “Sturdy” Oakley.

The precaution is warranted. After the Eagles’ 2018 win, fans in Philadelphia removed an entire goalpost from Lincoln Financial Field and paraded it through the city. One fan, when asked how they planned to transport it, simply replied, “That’s a problem for Future Me.”

Deploying Therapy Animals: A Preemptive Strike Against Chaos

To counteract the expected adrenaline-fueled mania, the White House is deploying therapy animals to provide emotional support to guests. Several therapy dogs, cats, and even a bald eagle named “Liberty” will be on hand to defuse any potentially chaotic situations.

Dr. Felicity “Furball” Adams, a behavioral therapist specializing in high-energy sports fans, believes this is a necessary step. “People are much less likely to throw a chair through a window if they’re holding a golden retriever puppy,” she said. “It’s science.”

Designated Nap Zones for Overstimulated Guests

For those who reach peak excitement too early, the White House has established designated nap zones complete with blackout curtains and soundproofing.

Event coordinator Nancy “Siesta” Martinez noted, “A well-rested fan is far less likely to attempt to climb the Lincoln Bedroom curtains. Trust me. We did the math.”

Research from the National Sleep Foundation suggests that short naps can reduce impulsive behavior by nearly 50%. If all goes well, the designated nap zones could prevent at least three historical busts from being used as makeshift footballs.

Mandatory Etiquette Workshops: Teaching Guests How to Behave Indoors

All players and staff will be required to attend a 15-minute etiquette workshop before entering the White House. The curriculum includes topics like “How to Use Coasters” and “Why the Oval Office is Not a Beer Pong Table.”

Sir Reginald “Manners” Worthington III, the instructor leading the training, was optimistic. “Look, if we can get Eagles fans to say ‘please’ before launching themselves off a tailgate truck, we’ve already won.”

Emergency Holding Cells: Preparing for the Worst

In the unlikely event that celebrations spiral out of control, the White House has constructed temporary holding cells, humorously referred to as “Time-Out Corners.” Security Chief Bruno “The Warden” Fernandez emphasized, “We’re not saying we expect trouble, but we’ve never seen a group of people this passionate about a football team and… let’s just say, we’d rather be safe than sorry.”

During a past championship event, a guest was detained after attempting to autograph a portrait of Abraham Lincoln with a Sharpie. “It was just a little signature,” the guest reportedly said. “He would’ve wanted it.”

Conclusion: Can the White House Survive?

With all these precautions in place, the question remains: will the White House make it through the Eagles’ visit unscathed? Only time will tell. But one thing is certain—this will be the most heavily secured, cheesesteak-proofed, and Walmart-surveilled event in presidential history.

If the White House is still standing by the end of it, we can consider it a win for national security.

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The White House Prepares for the Philadelphia Eagles’ Visit

A Look at the Precautions

In a move that has the Secret Service scrambling and the White House staff clutching their pearls, President Donald Trump has extended an invitation to the Philadelphia Eagles to celebrate their Super Bowl LIX victory. Given the team’s colorful reputation, the administration is leaving no stone unturned in ensuring that the People’s House remains intact post-visit.

1. Deploying Extra Fire Engines: Preparing for Potential Pyrotechnics

The Philadelphia Eagles’ fanbase is notorious for their enthusiastic celebrations, which have been known to include impromptu fireworks displays and, on occasion, the odd bonfire. To preempt any unsanctioned combustions, the White House has stationed five additional fire engines on standby. As Fire Chief John “Sparky” McBlaze commented, “We know Eagles fans have a flair for the dramatic. We’re just here to make sure the only thing burning is their passion.”

NOTE: Historical accounts from Philadelphia’s Broad Street celebrations detail multiple instances where exuberant fans set fire to everything from dumpsters to, inexplicably, a cheese steak stand.

2. Secret Service Hiring Spree: Bolstering Security Measures

Anticipating the need for heightened security, the Secret Service has embarked on an unprecedented hiring spree. New recruits are undergoing crash courses in “Fanatic Crowd Control” and “Mascot Negotiation Tactics.” Agent-in-Charge, Samantha “Eagle Eye” Roberts, noted, “We’ve handled foreign dignitaries and rock stars, but nothing quite prepares you for a mob of Eagles fans chanting ‘Fly, Eagles Fly.’”

NOTE: A recent job posting on the Secret Service’s official website listed qualifications including “ability to remain calm amidst deafening fight songs” and “proficiency in deflecting flying pretzels.”

3. Comprehensive Inventory: Photographing and Recording Serial Numbers

In an effort to deter any five-finger discounts, White House staff are meticulously photographing and recording the serial numbers of all valuables. From the Resolute Desk to the presidential stapler, nothing is being overlooked. “It’s not that we don’t trust them,” said White House Curator, Mildred “Lock and Key” Thompson, “but let’s just say we’ve heard stories about ‘souvenir collecting.’”

NOTE: During a previous championship celebration, an unnamed athlete was found attempting to pocket a White House-branded napkin dispenser, citing it as a “memento.”

4. Walmart Loss Prevention Experts: The Unsung Heroes

To further safeguard against potential pilfering, the administration has enlisted the expertise of Walmart’s top loss prevention specialists. These seasoned professionals are adept at spotting suspicious behavior and have been strategically positioned throughout the premises. “We’ve dealt with Black Friday crowds,” said lead specialist, Gary “The Hawk” Jenkins. “This should be a walk in the park.”

NOTE: Walmart’s annual loss prevention reports boast a 98% success rate in thwarting shoplifters, a statistic the White House found particularly appealing.

5. Cheesesteak-Proofing the Premises: Guarding Against Grease Stains

Understanding the deep connection between Philadelphians and their cheesesteaks, the White House kitchen has been preemptively coated with industrial-strength, grease-resistant materials. Chef Antoine “Butterfingers” Boulanger remarked, “We want them to feel at home, but not at the expense of our antique tablecloths.”

NOTE: A study from the Philadelphia Culinary Institute found that the average cheesesteak contains enough grease to lubricate a small vehicle, necessitating these protective measures.

6. Installing Reinforced Goalposts: Preventing Post-Victory Shenanigans

Given the Eagles’ fans’ penchant for dismantling goalposts post-victory, the White House has taken the precaution of reinforcing any and all vertical structures on the property. Groundskeeper, Earl “Sturdy” Oakley, stated, “We’ve cemented everything down. If they try to take something, they’ll have to take the whole lawn with them.”

NOTE: Footage from previous Eagles’ victories showcases fans transporting goalposts down city streets, a tradition the White House is keen to avoid.

7. Deploying Therapy Animals: Soothing Overexcited Guests

Anticipating high energy levels, a cadre of therapy animals, including dogs, cats, and an emotionally supportive bald eagle named “Liberty,” will be on hand to provide calming interactions. Animal Handler, Dr. Felicity “Furball” Adams, explained, “Sometimes, a gentle nuzzle is all it takes to prevent someone from climbing the drapes.”

NOTE: The American Journal of Animal Therapy cites numerous cases where therapy animals have successfully de-escalated potentially chaotic situations, particularly in sports-related events.

8. Designated Nap Zones: Combating Celebration Fatigue

Understanding that even the most ardent fans can experience burnout, the White House has established designated nap zones equipped with soundproofing and blackout curtains. “We want our guests to recharge,” said Event Coordinator, Nancy “Siesta” Martinez. “A well-rested fan is less likely to attempt a chandelier swing.”

NOTE: Research from the National Sleep Foundation indicates that short naps can significantly reduce impulsive behavior, a finding the administration took to heart.

9. Mandatory Etiquette Workshops: Polishing the Rough Edges

Prior to the main event, all attendees will participate in a brief etiquette workshop covering topics such as “Proper Use of Coasters” and “Indoor Voice Modulation.” Etiquette Expert, Sir Reginald “Manners” Worthington III, emphasized, “It’s all about channeling that enthusiasm into respectful celebration.”

NOTE: Post-workshop surveys from similar events show a 75% decrease in incidents involving impromptu breakdancing on heirloom rugs.

10. Installing Temporary Cell Blocks: Preparing for Potential Detentions

In the unlikely event that festivities get out of hand, the White House has installed temporary holding cells, affectionately dubbed “Time-Out Corners.” Security Chief, Bruno “The Warden” Fernandez, assured, “It’s all in good fun. Sometimes, a little reflection time is all that’s needed.”

NOTE: During a past championship event, a guest was briefly detained after attempting to “autograph” a portrait of Abraham Lincoln with a Sharpie.

11. Hiring Professional Mediators: Diffusing Potential Disputes

To handle any disagreements that may arise, professional mediators skilled in conflict resolution have been brought on board. Lead Mediator, Dr. Harmony “Peacemaker” Jones, noted, “Whether it’s over the last canapé or differing opinions on play calls, we’re here to keep the peace.”

NOTE: The National Mediation Board reports a 90% success rate in resolving conflicts amicably, a statistic that bodes well for the event.

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What the Funny People Are Saying About the Philadelphia Eagles…

• “Five extra fire trucks, Secret Service on alert, Walmart loss prevention guys sneaking around? Is this a football team visiting or Ocean’s Eleven doing a heist?” — Lauren Pattison

• “They’re recording serial numbers on everything in the White House. Can you imagine Biden patting his pockets at the end of the night, like, ‘Where’s my pen? Somebody check Jason Kelce!’” — Ilana Glazer

• “You know it’s bad when the White House has to consult Walmart security. Those guys are like Navy SEALs for stopping people who think deodorant is free if you run fast enough.” — Hannah Berner

• “They installed ‘nap zones’ for overstimulated Eagles players. You know Philly fans are a problem when the White House is treating them like sugar-high toddlers at daycare.” — Zainab Johnson

• “The White House reinforced everything to stop them from tearing stuff down. ‘Oh, you want the Washington Monument? Good luck, we superglued it. Now go take a nap.’” — Rose Matafeo

• “Imagine being the guy from the Secret Service who has to frisk Jason Kelce. ‘Sir, is that a White House ashtray in your pocket?’ ‘Nah, bro, that’s just my thigh.’” — Rachel Sennott

• “They have therapy animals ready to keep the Eagles calm. Let’s be honest, that bald eagle named Liberty is going to have to do a lot of emotional labor.” — Irene Tu

• “Etiquette training for Eagles players? ‘Please, sir, let’s discuss why cannonballing into the White House fountain is considered gauche.’” — Amy Gledhill

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Whoopi Goldberg Declares War on Body Judgment—While Ordering a Double Whiskey

A Hollywood Icon Takes a Stand (From Her Barstool)

It was a foggy night in Hollywood—or maybe just a foggy night for Whoopi Goldberg, who was seated at the dimly lit corner of a West Hollywood bar, sipping on a double whiskey with the authority of someone who had just been through a View segment that ran way too long.

“I’m sick of it, man,” Whoopi declared, swirling her glass dramatically. “The media, the bloggers, the trolls, all obsessed with celebrity bodies! I mean, who cares? It’s just a body!”

She gestured vaguely, nearly knocking over a bowl of peanuts. “Look at me. Do I look like I give a damn about that nonsense?”

A pregnant pause. The bartender gave an involuntary cough. Somewhere in the back, a jukebox stopped mid-song, as if even technology was hesitant to answer that question.

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The Judging Must Stop—Unless It’s Whoopi Doing the Judging

Whoopi has spent decades as one of Hollywood’s most opinionated figures, a self-proclaimed “truth-teller” who calls out hypocrisy wherever she sees it—except, of course, when the hypocrisy is her own.

“People judge me all the time,” she lamented, finishing off her whiskey in one gulp. “I walk down the street, and people whisper. ‘Whoopi, she’s looking… um, sturdy.’”

She slammed her glass on the bar. “And I’m like, ‘Damn right I’m sturdy! I survived Jumpin’ Jack Flash! I can survive this.’”

Yet, Whoopi has never hesitated to judge others. Melania Trump’s accent? Fair game. Politicians’ haircuts? Absolutely. Taylor Swift’s dating life? Open season.

“But see, that’s different,” she explained, ordering another drink. “I critique important things. Like policy. And, you know, sometimes Ivanka Trump’s outfits. But when it comes to bodies—that’s where I draw the line.”

Because, apparently, scrutinizing someone’s policy positions is fair, but calling someone “shaped like an upright beanbag chair” is unacceptable.

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The Media’s Toxic Obsession With Beauty—And Whoopi’s Toxic Obsession With Opinions

Whoopi swirled her drink, narrowing her eyes. “I just don’t get why people care so much. Like, do we not have enough problems in the world? Why are we dissecting celebrity bodies when we could be dissecting something important—like, I don’t know, the fact that nobody’s remade Sister Act with me as a nun-turned-mob-boss?”

But the real question: Why does Whoopi suddenly hate body judgment when The View has built an empire on scrutinizing people?

Late-night comedians have already weighed in.

“Whoopi saying we shouldn’t judge celebrity bodies is like a fast food chain telling us not to count calories.” — Iliza Shlesinger

“She’s right. We shouldn’t judge celebrity bodies. We should focus on the real issues—like why Hollywood keeps making Sister Act sequels.” — Taylor Tomlinson

Even the bartender chimed in. “Look, I love Whoopi, but I remember when she called some Republican dude a ‘thumb in a suit.’ So, you know, glass houses.”

Whoopi, unfazed, waved a dismissive hand. “That was different—he looked like a literal thumb. That’s science.”

Science, indeed.

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A Deep Dive Into Whoopi’s Hollywood Body Crisis

As the drinks kept flowing, Whoopi delved into her personal history with Hollywood’s body obsession.

“You know, back in the day, they used to tell me I needed to slim down,” she mused. “And I told them, ‘Slim down? For what? So I can play the sexy nun in Sister Act?’”

She let out a raspy laugh that sent an ice cube flying from her glass.

“And the worst part?” she continued. “They still do it! Just last week, some internet troll said I looked like I was smuggling a Thanksgiving turkey under my coat. I mean, that’s offensive. I would never waste a turkey like that.”

When asked how she deals with the criticism, Whoopi shrugged. “You just gotta roll with it, you know? Like Lizzo. Love her. She wears those wild outfits, she don’t care. Me? I wear baggy sweaters and hope nobody notices I still have a neck.”

It was then that a View producer, who had somehow tracked Whoopi to the bar, reminded her that technically, she had been the one commenting on Lizzo’s wardrobe choices just weeks earlier.

“Yeah, but that’s different,” Whoopi shot back. “That was fashion critique. Not body shaming. There’s a difference.”

Is there, though?

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Is Whoopi the Real Victim Here?

As the night progressed, Whoopi’s philosophical musings on Hollywood’s double standards deepened.

“You know who really gets judged unfairly?” she asked, pointing an accusatory finger at no one in particular. “Me.”

“All these skinny Hollywood girls, they get a pass. But I step out in a strong outfit—a robust outfit—and suddenly I’m a walking Twitter meme.”

To illustrate her point, Whoopi pulled out her phone and showed a recent tweet:

“Whoopi Goldberg dresses like she lost a bet with a couch.”

She nodded solemnly. “See? This is the problem with society.”

It was hard to argue with that. Well, not really, but nobody at the bar wanted to risk their drink service by pointing out the flaw in her logic.

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The Final Word (And Another Drink)

By the end of the night, Whoopi had made her position clear: Judging bodies? Bad. Judging everything else? Fair game.

She took one last sip of her whiskey and sighed. “At the end of the day, people just need to let people be people. You wanna be big? Be big. You wanna be small? Be small. Just don’t be a hypocrite, you know?”

A bold statement from a woman who, at that very moment, was wearing a coat so large it could have been a shared living space for a family of five.

“Anyway,” she added, fishing for a tip in her bag, “I gotta get home. These opinions don’t form themselves, you know.”

And with that, Whoopi Goldberg—the warrior against body judgment—stumbled into the Hollywood night, presumably to wake up tomorrow and go back to judging absolutely everything else.

Auf Wiedersehen, Whoopi. Auf Wiedersehen.

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Disclaimer:

This investigative masterpiece was crafted through a rigorous journalistic process that involved exactly one whiskey-fueled interview with Whoopi Goldberg at a dimly lit bar, where she may or may not have mistaken a coat rack for a CNN reporter. Any resemblance to real-life hypocrisy is purely coincidental—unless it isn’t.

No egos were harmed in the making of this article (except maybe Whoopi’s), and any outrage should be directed at The View’s complaint department, which we assume is just a pile of unread emails labeled “Joy Behar’s Greatest Hits.”

For legal reasons, we must clarify that Whoopi’s whiskey intake is a comedic exaggeration, though her commitment to contradictory opinions is entirely factual.

This article is a collaborative effort between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. You figure out which one’s which.

 

 

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Prime Minister Starmer’s Fish and Chips Fantasy: When Socialism Serves Scarcity on a Silver Platter

Keir Starmer’s The Illusion of Infinite Fish and Chips

When Prime Minister Keir Starmer reportedly quipped, “Let them eat fish and chips… we don’t need no stinking farmers for that,” he unwittingly summarized the fatal flaw of socialism: a complete misunderstanding of how supply chains work and how prosperity is actually created.

Starmer’s remark is reminiscent of Marie Antoinette’s infamous “Let them eat cake,” a phrase (likely apocryphal) that symbolized an elite disconnected from the realities of production and survival. But in this case, Starmer’s words ring true to a deeper problem: the socialist fantasy that resources magically appear without the need for producers, innovators, or incentive structures.

Keir Starmer & The Socialist Cycle of Scarcity

History has repeatedly shown that socialist economies, no matter how well-intended, inevitably lead to shortages, rationing, and economic stagnation. Socialism’s central flaw is that it assumes resources are just “there” to be distributed, rather than recognizing that they must be produced, maintained, and replenished by free-market incentives. Let’s take a look at the predictable cycle:

1. Demonization of Producers – Whether it’s farmers, business owners, or industrialists, socialist regimes begin by vilifying the very people who create and sustain wealth. The UK’s aggressive green policies, excessive taxation, and regulatory burdens on farmers are making food production nearly impossible. If farmers are taxed out of existence, where exactly does Starmer think the fish and potatoes will come from?

2. Government Control of Production – Socialism then introduces policies that assume the government knows best. Bureaucrats—most of whom have never set foot on a farm or fishing boat—begin dictating production quotas, land use, and prices. In Britain, we’re already seeing massive farmer protests against government overreach.

3. Shortages and Rationing – As the socialist state takes over food production, output declines. Without financial incentives, farmers quit. Without market competition, efficiency collapses. Without private ownership, land falls into disrepair. The result? Empty supermarket shelves.

4. Black Markets and Corruption – Since the government is incapable of efficiently distributing resources, a black market inevitably emerges. In the USSR, where collectivized farming led to famines, desperate citizens resorted to bartering, hoarding, and illegal trade. In Venezuela, a socialist paradise, people are eating zoo animals while the elite dine on imported luxury goods.

5. Blame and Repression – Rather than admit failure, socialist leaders blame foreign conspiracies, hoarders, or capitalist “saboteurs.” As shortages worsen, they crack down on dissent. This is why socialist states never stop at bad economics; they always end in authoritarian control.

Britain’s Farmers: The Canaries in the Coal Mine

The recent waves of farmer protests in the UK are not just about agriculture. They are a warning sign of creeping government control that threatens to strangle the entire economy. Farmers are the foundation of civilization. If they are regulated into oblivion, there will be no domestic food supply, only reliance on imports that will eventually suffer the same fate under socialist mismanagement.

Fish and Chips Without Farmers? A Socialist Delusion

Starmer’s remark about fish and chips ignores the reality that even simple foods require a complex network of producers. Fish don’t catch themselves, potatoes don’t harvest themselves, and cooking oil doesn’t press itself. Every ingredient in Britain’s iconic dish depends on independent producers who thrive in a free-market system.

In socialist economies, even the simplest foods become luxury items. In Soviet Russia, bread lines stretched for miles. In Venezuela, socialist mismanagement led to people eating garbage. In Mao’s China, failed agricultural policies starved millions. If Starmer’s policies continue down this road, the UK might soon be importing fish and chips from whatever free-market economy still produces them.

The Road to Ration Cards

How does this end? If history is any guide, Britain’s current trajectory—high taxation, heavy-handed regulation, and government intervention in agriculture—leads to rationing. Imagine a future where fish and chips are no longer a casual takeaway meal but a government-allocated privilege. Citizens will need a national ID to claim their weekly portion of state-sanctioned fried fish, complete with a propaganda pamphlet on why capitalism is evil.

Socialism Always Ends in Scarcity

Every socialist experiment ends the same way: with hunger, misery, and an elite class that never experiences the shortages they create. Starmer’s “let them eat fish and chips” comment is not just out of touch—it’s an omen. Without farmers, there will be no food. Without free enterprise, there will be no innovation. And without economic freedom, there will be nothing left to ration but the excuses of the politicians who destroyed the system.

If the UK doesn’t change course soon, Brits might not be asking for extra salt and vinegar on their chips. They’ll be asking where the chips went.

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15 Observations on Starmer’s “Let Them Eat Fish and Chips” and Socialist Scarcity

1. Fish and Chips Without Farmers?
   Starmer seems to think fish and potatoes just appear in deep fryers like magic. Next, he’ll claim bread grows pre-sliced and buttered on socialist trees.

2. The Socialist Supermarket Experience
   Under socialism, a trip to the grocery store becomes a thrilling adventure: will it be empty shelves, ration cards, or a two-hour queue for government-issued turnips?

3. A Five-Year Plan for Fish and Chips
   In true socialist fashion, expect a Five-Year Plan for nationalized fish and chips—just don’t expect any fish or chips for at least five years.

4. The Vegan Utopia
   By the time socialist policies destroy fishing and farming, Britain won’t have a choice but to go vegan. And even then, the only available plant will be grass.

5. The State-Approved Chip Allowance
   Get ready for the “Great British Chip Rationing Act of 2026.” Each citizen will receive three chips per month, distributed fairly by the Bureau of Fried Goods.

6. Soviet-Style Seagulls
   With food shortages looming, seagulls will be classified as “a vital state resource.” Citizens will be encouraged to “forage responsibly” at the beach.

7. The Ministry of Fish and Chips
   Once fish and chips are nationalized, you’ll need five forms of ID and a government application to qualify for a Friday night takeaway.

8. The Socialist Deep Fryer
   Under socialism, deep fryers will be banned for “climate reasons,” replaced with state-approved air fryers that don’t actually work.

9. The Orwellian Chip Surveillance
   “Comrade, we noticed you bought two servings of chips this week. Please report to the Department of Equality for your fair share redistribution meeting.”

10. The Last Cod in Britain
    In 2030, the government will unveil the last remaining cod, housed in a bulletproof tank and worshipped as the People’s Fish.

11. The New Class Divide
    In the socialist utopia, elites will still eat real fish and chips while the common folk get “plant-based simulated potato substitute.”

12. Starmer’s Revolutionary Cookbook
    New socialist cooking classes will teach people how to fry their government-allocated soy protein into a shape that kind of resembles a fish fillet.

13. A Fried Future
    Socialists love equality—so much that soon, no one will have fish and chips, except for the government officials regulating it.

14. The Socialist Supply Chain
    “How do we get fish?”
    “Well, we outlawed fishing, taxed farmers out of business, and nationalized food production, so… we import it from China.”

15. Chips Without the Fish
    Eventually, socialist Britain will just call them “chips,” then “potato-flavored fried cubes,” then finally: “state-issued starch ration.”

The Decline of Family Farms: A Socialist Masterpiece in Economic Ruin

The Inheritance Tax Tango
Farmers are now performing the Inheritance Tax Tango, a complex dance where they sidestep crippling taxes only to trip over government bureaucracy. The routine includes elegant moves such as The Land Seizure Shuffle and The Bank Foreclosure Boogie. Meanwhile, politicians watch from the sidelines, applauding themselves for their brilliant economic strategy.

From Pitchforks to Protests
Once upon a time, farmers used pitchforks for hay; now, they use them to jab at Parliament’s front doors. Who knew that the real cash crop of the 21st century would be angry mobs with banners? Turns out, it’s easier to farm public outrage than it is to grow actual food under socialist policies.

The Great Farm Disappearing Act
With over 140,000 farms vanishing in five years, David Copperfield should take notes—these disappearing farms are the greatest magic trick of all time. One minute you own a family farm; the next minute, it’s a state-owned ‘recreational green space’ with an empty organic food co-op that never stocks anything.

Taxing Tractors, Not Just Treads
The new inheritance tax is so steep that even the tractors are calling it quits. John Deere has reportedly filed for political asylum in Texas, and farmers are considering replacing their tractors with oxen—at least they don’t have to pay registration fees.

Family Farms: An Endangered Species
Move over, pandas. The real endangered species is the independent farmer. At this rate, schoolchildren will be taking field trips to The Museum of Former Agriculture, where animatronic farmers reenact the good old days of actually producing food.

Farmers’ New Cash Crop: Protests
Since producing food is no longer a sustainable business model, farmers have pivoted to the most profitable sector under socialism: government protests. It’s a simple formula—lose everything, march on the capital, get called “domestic extremists”, and maybe, just maybe, the government will hand you back a small piece of your land.

The Taxman’s Harvest
Forget corn, wheat, or barley. The biggest thing growing on farms these days is the tax bill. It sprouts faster than weeds, requires no water, and thrives in the warm, humid air of economic incompetence. Unlike traditional crops, however, it never leads to a bountiful harvest—just an auction notice.

From Farm to Table to Foreclosure
Once upon a time, the food on your plate came directly from a farm. Now, it makes a pit stop at the foreclosure office before ending up in a foreign import container, where it is then sold back to you at five times the price. Progress!

The New Cash Crop: Paperwork
Farmers used to spend their days in the fields; now, they spend them in government offices, filling out applications for grants that don’t exist, subsidies that disappeared, and permits to breathe near farmland. They’re not growing crops anymore—just a stack of rejected forms.

Taxing Times for Tractors
Tractors are officially on strike. After years of being taxed, regulated, and monitored, they’ve had enough. Reports indicate that self-driving tractors have begun rolling themselves into rivers to escape the tyranny of state ownership.

The Vanishing Farmer Act
The real magicians of our time aren’t illusionists; they’re farmers, because they’re disappearing faster than an ice cream cone at a climate summit. One day, they’re working the land; the next, they’re applying for an emergency grocery card because their industry no longer exists.

From Fields to Filing Cabinets
Farmers now spend more time with accountants than with their crops. It used to be that they worried about unpredictable weather; now they worry about fiscal policies that make weather disasters seem merciful by comparison.

The Great Agricultural Vanishing Act
With 140,000 farms disappearing, agriculture has officially joined the list of things that used to exist in the UK, right between affordable housing and common sense.

From Plows to Protests
Farmers are trading in their plows for protest signs, because growing food is no longer as profitable as being a loud, angry nuisance. Next up: Farmers demand universal basic potatoes since growing them is now technically illegal.

The Taxing Task of Tilling
Tilling the land used to be about sowing seeds and feeding a nation. Now, it’s about sowing tax forms and hoping the government lets you keep a small fraction of what you’ve worked for. If you’re lucky, they might even give you one fish and chip per month as a reward for your obedience.

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Tom Brady’s Love Life: The Ultimate Two-Minute Drill

The Eternal Quarterback of Love

Tom Brady’s football career might be over, but his dating life? That’s still in the playoffs. After reportedly rekindling his romance with supermodel Irina Shayk, the seven-time Super Bowl champion is proving that he’s still got a strong arm—at least when it comes to throwing himself back into the dating scene. Fans have begun speculating whether Brady has an off-the-field playbook that’s as methodical and strategic as his on-field one. Given his history of comebacks, is it really a surprise that his love life follows the same script?

“Brady’s dating career is the stuff of legends,” said sports analyst and self-proclaimed romantic expert Skip Tackleman. “He’s like a quarterback who refuses to retire. One minute he’s out, the next he’s back under center.”

“Brady’s love life is so efficient, even his relationships have a playbook. ‘Alright, first quarter, we flirt. Second quarter, we vacation. Third quarter, engagement rumors. Fourth quarter… mutual Instagram unfollow.’” – Amy Gledhill

Trading Super Bowls for Supermodels

There’s an old saying in sports: retire at the top of your game. But Brady seems to be testing whether that applies to dating, too. After hanging up his cleats, he’s been seen making moves off the field—except now, instead of dodging 300-pound defensive linemen, he’s navigating the treacherous waters of high-profile relationships. His new game plan? Supermodels.

Brady’s fans have long known that his dating career rivals his football one in terms of achievements. First, Gisele Bündchen, the Victoria’s Secret Hall of Famer. Now, Irina Shayk, the Russian bombshell who has previously dated Hollywood A-listers. What’s next? A rumored rendezvous with an AI-generated influencer?

“The man only dates MVPs,” said romance journalist Linda Blitz. “It’s like watching an all-star draft, except the only team that ever gets built is Brady’s personal roster.”

The Gisele Playbook: From Touchdowns to Tots

While Brady’s been calling audibles in the dating world, his ex-wife, Gisele Bündchen, has been playing a different game altogether. Instead of preparing for another season of touchdowns, she’s entered the world of diaper duty.

Bündchen, now reportedly expecting a child with jiu-jitsu instructor Joaquim Valente, seems to have pivoted from modeling to motherhood with remarkable speed.

“It’s like a strategic change in formation,” said one sports analyst. “Gisele went from the Tom Brady offense to the maternal defense. She’s no longer running routes; she’s setting up a crib.”

Brady, meanwhile, has responded by doubling down on his dating efforts. Sources claim he’s treating this like a two-minute drill—fast, strategic, and focused on scoring before the buzzer sounds.

Irina Shayk: The Free Agent Returns

Brady and Shayk’s rekindled romance is being compared to a star athlete re-signing with his former team. It’s a classic case of unfinished business.

“This is the equivalent of LeBron James going back to Cleveland,” said one sports columnist. “You knew it might happen, but when it did, it still caught everyone off guard.”

Shayk, who was previously linked to actor Bradley Cooper, appears to be taking Brady’s coaching style well. The question remains: will this be a one-season contract, or is Brady looking for a long-term deal?

Inside Information: Friends of Irina Talk to the Press

Irina’s inner circle has been buzzing about the details of her rekindled romance with Brady, and some friends haven’t been shy about spilling secrets to the press. According to one source, Shayk has described Brady as “surprisingly charming, considering he’s so methodical about everything.” Another insider claimed, “She told us she’s never dated someone so obsessed with sleep schedules. She swears he actually set an alarm to remind himself to flirt.”

Close friends have also hinted that Brady is pulling out all the stops to make this work. “He’s really stepping outside of his comfort zone,” said one. “He planned a romantic dinner, but Irina found it hilarious because he brought a nutritionist to oversee the meal. She had to convince him that one glass of wine wouldn’t ruin his career.”

Reports suggest that Shayk has been enjoying the media frenzy, though some of her friends believe she’s being cautious. “She knows what comes with dating a global sports icon,” a longtime confidante said. “The guy has more rings than most jewelry stores. She’s having fun, but she’s keeping one eye on the exit—just in case he tries to replace her with a Super Bowl trophy.”

The Love Triangle Offense

Brady and Gisele’s post-divorce trajectories are so divergent, it’s like watching two completely different sports. One’s focused on building a family team; the other is making trades in the dating market.

“Gisele’s forming a dynasty; Brady’s just trying to get another ring—metaphorically speaking,” said dating analyst John Huddle. “At this rate, he’s going to have more supermodel exes than he has Super Bowl wins.”

Brady, true to form, remains unfazed by the comparisons. “Every game’s a new opportunity,” he reportedly told a friend. “Sometimes you fumble, but the key is recovering before the play clock runs out.”

The MVP of Multitasking

Brady’s ability to juggle business, parenting, and dating makes him an MVP in multitasking. While others struggle to text back promptly, Brady’s managing an empire and a love life with the precision of a seasoned quarterback.

“The man doesn’t even eat sugar,” said one envious fan. “How does he have time to date and maintain a peak physical form? I can barely balance a social life and a gym membership.”

The Two-Minute Drill of Dating

In the end, Brady’s romantic life is a masterclass in executing a two-minute drill. He moves with urgency, makes calculated passes, and always seems to have a game-winning drive left in him. Whether this season ends with a championship ring or another surprising trade remains to be seen.

One thing is certain: Tom Brady may have retired from football, but he’s still playing the game of love like a Hall of Famer.

Disclaimer: This article is a collaborative effort between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. All events and characters are used fictitiously for comedic purposes.

 

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Tom Brady’s Romantic Replays: A Satirical Snapshot

1. The Eternal Quarterback of Love

Tom Brady’s love life seems to mirror his football career—just when you think he’s retired, he’s back in the game. After rekindling his romance with supermodel Irina Shayk, one can’t help but wonder if Brady applies the same playbook to both fields. Perhaps his motto is, “Why settle for a touchdown when you can have overtime?”

2. Trading Super Bowls for Supermodels

Brady’s transition from NFL star to supermodel suitor raises eyebrows. Is there a secret draft where athletes trade playbooks for runway schedules? Maybe Brady’s next venture is a reality show: “From Super Bowls to Supermodels: The Tom Brady Chronicles.”

3. The Gisele Playbook: From Touchdowns to Tots

Gisele Bündchen, Brady’s ex, has moved on to motherhood with her new beau, Joaquim Valente. It’s as if she traded her Victoria’s Secret wings for diaper duty. One can only imagine Brady’s reaction: “Wait, we’re scoring in different leagues now?”

4. Irina Shayk: The Free Agent Returns

Irina Shayk, after a brief hiatus, is back on Brady’s roster. It’s reminiscent of a free agent returning to their former team. Does this mean Brady offered a better contract this time? Perhaps with more favorable terms, like exclusive sideline passes.

5. The Love Triangle Offense

With Gisele embracing motherhood and Brady rekindling old flames, it’s a classic love triangle offense. Who’s playing defense here? Maybe the tabloids, intercepting every pass of information.

6. The Supermodel Training Camp

Brady’s rumored relationships with supermodels suggest he’s hosting an exclusive training camp. The drills? Posing, pouting, and perfecting the runway walk. Enrollment is limited to those who’ve graced the covers of fashion magazines.

7. Gisele’s New Play: The Maternity Formation

Gisele’s announcement of her pregnancy introduces the “maternity formation” to her playbook. It’s a strategic move, focusing on nurturing new talent. Meanwhile, Brady’s still running the “Hail Mary” pass in the dating field.

8. Irina’s Return Route

Irina Shayk’s return to Brady’s life is like a well-executed route on the field. After exploring other options, she’s back to the quarterback, ready to catch whatever comes her way. Let’s hope there’s no fumble this time.

9. The Off-Season Shuffle

Brady’s off-season activities now include romantic escapades. While other retirees pick up golf or fishing, Brady’s hobby seems to be dating high-profile models. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.

10. The Touchdown Dance of Relationships

Each of Brady’s relationships is like a touchdown dance—celebratory, public, and choreographed for maximum effect. The only difference? These dances are featured on the front pages instead of the sports section.

11. Gisele’s New Team Huddle

Gisele’s growing family signifies a new team huddle. With a new partner and baby on the way, she’s forming her own league. Brady might need to step up his game to keep up with this expanding roster.

12. Irina’s Defensive Strategy

Rekindling a romance with Brady suggests Irina has a defensive strategy in place. Perhaps she’s ready to tackle any challenges that come with dating a high-profile athlete. Let’s hope her playbook is up to date.

13. The MVP of Multitasking

Brady’s ability to juggle his post-retirement career and a bustling love life makes him the MVP of multitasking. Who knew throwing passes and planning dates required similar skills?

14. Gisele’s Play Action Pass

Gisele’s move to start a new family is her version of a play-action pass—misdirection followed by a big play. While the world watched Brady’s moves, Gisele had her own game plan unfolding.

15. The Two-Minute Drill of Dating

Brady’s rapid romantic developments resemble a two-minute drill—fast-paced, strategic, and aiming for a quick score. Let’s hope he doesn’t run out of timeouts.

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Tom Brady’s Dating Life

• “Tom Brady’s dating life is just like his football career—he retires, then un-retires, then retires again, but somehow he’s still at the top of the game.” – Taylor Tomlinson

• “Brady doesn’t need another Super Bowl ring. At this point, he just needs a ring that tracks his dating stats.” – Ilana Glazer

• “Tom Brady is dating supermodels like he’s collecting infinity stones. By the time he’s done, he’ll snap his fingers and eliminate half of Tinder.” – Rachel Sennott

• “Brady’s ex-wife is having a baby with a jiu-jitsu instructor, and he’s dating another supermodel. This is the celebrity version of ‘anything you can do, I can do better.’” – Rose Matafeo

• “Tom Brady eats so clean that his idea of a cheat meal is an extra almond. Can you imagine trying to sneak a slice of pizza past him? He’d call an audible.” – Zainab Johnson

• “Brady is in his mid-40s dating women in their 30s. He’s basically running a franchise that only signs younger free agents.” – Hannah Berner

• “If Tom Brady ever gets married again, it’s gonna be a contract negotiation. ‘I’ll give you five years, a signing bonus, and an option for a two-year extension if we make it past the honeymoon phase.’” – Lauren Pattison

• “Brady keeps dating supermodels, which proves one thing: he’s not afraid of pressure situations.” – Marcella Arguello

• “At this point, Brady should just date the Lombardi Trophy. It’s the one thing he’s always been loyal to.” – Irene Tu

The post Tom Brady’s Love Life appeared first on Bohiney News.

Tyler Fischer vs. Woke Delta: How a Conservative Comedian Got Grounded for Good

The No-Fly Comedy Tour Takes Off (Without Airplanes)

In an age where tweets take you places, conservative comedian Tyler Fischer discovered that they can also be the reason you stay home. After a rather turbulent encounter with Delta Air Lines’ inclusivity policies, Fischer found himself permanently grounded from the airline. This has led to his new comedy venture: The “No-Fly List Tour.” Because let’s face it, when you’re banned from a major airline, the next best thing is to monetize the heck out of it.

“I’ve always wanted to see the country by bus,” Fischer quipped. “Nothing says ‘luxury’ like a Greyhound with a broken bathroom and a guy named Carl selling mystery sandwiches in the back.”

This whole saga began with a simple accessory—a Pride flag pin. Fischer saw it, tweeted about it, and now he’s sitting at home clutching his suitcase, reminiscing about those sweet, sweet SkyMiles he’ll never earn.

“If getting banned from Delta is the price of free speech, I’ll just take my chances on a hot air balloon. It can’t be worse than their legroom.” — Tyler Fischer

Pride Pin: The Little Accessory That Could (Get You Banned)

It’s hard to believe that a tiny pin could cause such a massive fallout. You’d think it was made of plutonium, not rainbow enamel. Delta flight attendant Mark McAllister sported the Pride pin while handing out pretzels and passive-aggressively judging passengers who use the call button too much.

Fischer, in a moment of what he calls “satirical brilliance,” posted a photo of McAllister and made a joke about the flight attendant’s perceived sexual orientation. Delta Air Lines wasn’t amused.

“We’ve had passengers sneak in emotional support peacocks, but a comedian with a mean tweet? That’s where we draw the line,” said Delta spokesperson Karen Flyswell.

From Frequent Flyer to Persona Non Grata

Once a loyal Delta customer, Fischer’s journey with the airline has officially hit a permanent layover. Delta cited Fischer’s “vulgar and hurtful remarks” as the reason for the lifetime ban.

“We have a zero-tolerance policy for intolerance,” Flyswell explained, “which makes sense if you don’t think about it too hard.”

Fischer, however, sees the ban as an opportunity. “At least now I’m safe from those in-flight safety videos that make me feel like I’m not buckling my seatbelt properly,” he said.

A Comedian’s Grounding: A Tragedy in Three Acts

Act One: Fischer boards a Delta flight, sees a Pride pin, and makes a snarky joke online.

Act Two: Delta responds with all the fury of a TSA agent discovering too much liquid in a carry-on.

Act Three: Fischer is permanently banned, forced to book his next gig in Omaha via the scenic Megabus route.

According to Fischer, “Being on a no-fly list is like being ghosted by an entire airline. I keep sending Delta ‘You up?’ texts and getting nothing back.”

Freedom of Speech vs. Freedom to Not Get Kicked Off a Plane

Fischer’s ban has ignited debates about free speech, corporate policies, and whether pretzels really qualify as an in-flight snack. Some argue that Delta’s decision is an infringement on freedom of speech.

“This is a violation of my First Amendment rights,” Fischer shouted from the sidewalk outside Delta headquarters, confusing basic civics with airline policy.

In response, Delta’s legal team released a statement: “The First Amendment protects you from the government, not from us deciding that we’re tired of your nonsense.”

Twitter: The Real-Life Flight Risk

This incident serves as a cautionary tale for anyone who thinks Twitter is a safe place for free speech. Fischer’s experience proves that, in the age of social media, your tweets can have real-life consequences.

Delta’s stance is clear: “If you want to make jokes about our staff, fine. But you’d better be prepared to hitchhike to your next gig,” Flyswell explained.

Fischer has since learned an important lesson: “When you tweet about Delta, you’re not just tweeting into the void—you’re tweeting into the abyss where your travel privileges go to die.”

The Trickle-Down Effect of Airline Bans

As Fischer’s ban made headlines, other airlines took notice. American Airlines, Southwest, and even Spirit Airlines (the Greyhound of the skies) have reportedly added him to their internal “Comedians to Watch Out For” lists.

“I’m banned from Delta, and Spirit won’t even let me near the airport! You know you’ve messed up when even Spirit thinks you’re too risky,” Fischer lamented.

In an attempt to be proactive, Fischer tweeted an apology—in iambic pentameter—but it’s unclear if poetry is the best path to redemption.

Fischer’s Last Hope: The Discount Airlines

Fischer has been spotted trying to sweet-talk his way onto discount airlines like Frontier. “Their boarding process is like Black Friday at Walmart,” he said, “but at this point, I’ll take it.”

He’s also looking into alternative modes of transportation. “I hear there’s a guy in New Jersey who runs an underground Uber for banned comedians,” he quipped.

The “No-Fly List Tour” Kicks Off

Fischer’s latest comedy tour, titled the “No-Fly List Tour,” has officially begun. Venues include train stations, bus terminals, and a surprisingly well-attended gig at a rest stop off I-95.

“People keep asking me if I’m afraid of flying. No, I’m afraid of being stuck in a 14-hour layover with nothing but overpriced trail mix and an airport bar that closes at 8 PM,” Fischer said.

Despite the inconvenience, Fischer is making the best of his situation. “I’m thinking of writing a children’s book called, ‘The Comedian Who Couldn’t Fly,’” he joked. “It’s a heartwarming tale about a guy who learns to ride the rails like a hobo from the 1930s.”

Public Reaction: A Divided Sky

The public’s response to Fischer’s ban has been polarized. Some applaud Delta for upholding their inclusivity values, while others see it as an overreach.

“If we banned everyone who made a bad joke, comedy clubs would be emptier than a middle seat on Spirit,” said fellow comedian Rachel Sennott.

Meanwhile, Twitter users have weighed in with all the nuance of a middle-school cafeteria brawl.

“Delta: Where the peanuts are stale, but the policies are fresh!” tweeted user @AirlineAvenger.

Late-Night Comedians Weigh In

Late-night comedians have also taken the opportunity to poke fun at the situation.

“Imagine getting banned from Delta. That’s like getting kicked out of a library for whispering too loud,” joked Ilana Glazer.

“Fischer got grounded, and now he’s just waiting for someone to tell him he’s allowed to go back outside again,” said Marcella Arguello.

More Jokes…

• “Delta banned Fischer for a joke? I didn’t know they had a ‘no humor’ policy. Makes sense now that I think about their in-flight entertainment.” — Hannah Berner

• “Delta’s inclusivity stops at the gate. You can’t be inclusive and ban a comedian for being, well, a comedian.” — Lauren Pattison

• “Getting banned from Delta? I’d understand if Fischer tried to bring more than three ounces of comedy on board.” — Taylor Tomlinson

• “Delta banned him? Honestly, that’s just saving him from $20 sandwiches and middle seats next to emotional support parrots.” — Ilana Glazer

• “You know you’ve crossed a line when an airline that charges $50 for a checked bag decides you’ve gone too far.” — Rose Matafeo

• “Getting banned for a joke is like being told by the TSA your sense of humor is a security threat.” — Rachel Sennott

• “Delta says they support free speech as long as it doesn’t offend anyone. So basically, they support knock-knock jokes.” — Zainab Johnson

• “Delta has no-fly lists for terrorists and comedians now? Pretty soon they’re going to have a no-fly list for people who clap when the plane lands.” — Amy Gledhill

• “Imagine getting banned for telling jokes. I guess Delta prefers a cabin full of crying babies and bad Wi-Fi over laughter.” — Marcella Arguello

What Does This Mean for Comedy?

Fischer’s case raises important questions about the future of comedy. Is it possible to be funny without crossing lines? Can jokes exist in a world where companies take hard stances on inclusivity?

“Look, I’m not saying comedians should have a free pass,” Fischer said. “I’m just saying, if I’m going to be banned from Delta, I should at least get a voucher for a free drink—preferably something stronger than those tiny airplane bottles.”

The Airline Industry Responds

Airlines are reportedly considering a new policy called “Comedic Compliance,” in which all comedians must submit their jokes for approval before boarding.

“We’ll allow jokes about the TSA, but any jokes about in-flight snacks, seat sizes, or the inevitable crying baby are strictly prohibited,” said Flyswell.

Fischer’s fans have already started a petition demanding that Delta issue a public apology and allow him to fly again, provided he sits in the middle seat as punishment.

A Cautionary Tale for Twitter Users

Let Fischer’s tale be a warning: The next time you think about tweeting something snarky about your flight, remember that the friendly skies are only friendly until they aren’t.

“I’ve learned my lesson,” Fischer admitted. “Next time, I’ll just keep my jokes to myself. Or maybe I’ll write them on the back of those tiny napkins they give you with your drink.”

The Road Ahead (And Only the Road)

For now, Fischer will continue his tour across America’s highways, collecting travel stories that don’t involve airplanes.

“I’m starting to think flying is overrated anyway,” Fischer said. “After all, when you’re on the ground, nobody can ban you from the sidewalk.”

Observations:

1. The No-Fly Comedy Tour: Fischer’s lifetime ban from Delta has inadvertently provided him with fresh material, leading to his aptly named “No Fly List” comedy tour.

2. Airline Fashion Police: Delta’s strict uniform policies now seemingly extend to passengers’ social media posts.

3. Pride Pin Predicament: A small accessory has sparked a large controversy, highlighting the power of tiny symbols.

4. Social Media Turbulence: One tweet has grounded a comedian, proving that online turbulence can lead to real-world consequences.

5. Freedom of Speech Layover: The incident raises questions about where free speech ends and corporate policies begin.

6. Inflight Entertainment Irony: Fischer’s jokes about airlines have now become his personal no-fly entertainment.

7. Pride and Prejudice at 30,000 Feet: A modern tale of how personal beliefs clash with corporate inclusivity initiatives.

8. Comedic No-Fly Zone: Fischer has discovered that not all topics are safe for comedic airspace.

9. The Pin That Poked the Bear: A simple pride pin has led to a complex debate on expression and tolerance.

10. From First Class to No Class: Fischer’s downgrade from frequent flyer to persona non grata happened faster than a flight delay.

11. Jokes That Don’t Land: This incident exemplifies how some jokes can miss the runway entirely.

12. Airline’s Stand-Up Stand-Off: Delta’s response indicates they’re not amused by stand-up routines that target their staff.

13. Mile-High Morality: The skies are no longer neutral territory in the battle over social values.

14. Tweeting on a Wing and a Prayer: Fischer’s experience serves as a cautionary tale about the perils of tweeting without a filter.

15. The Ultimate Flight Risk: For comedians, the real flight risk now includes being banned from airlines.

Disclaimer:

This satirical piece is a collaborative effort between a cowboy and a farmer, aiming to shed light on the complexities of free speech, corporate policies, and the evolving landscape of humor. Any resemblance to real events or individuals is purely coincidental, and no artificial intelligence was involved in the creation of this content.

The post Tyler Fischer vs. Woke Delta appeared first on Bohiney News.

Lazarus Group Hack Feeds North Korea: From Grass to Gourmet in a Day!

How $1.6 Billion in Crypto Turned North Korean Dining into a 3-Star Michelin Experience

Following the now-legendary Lazarus Group hack of $1.6 billion, the culinary scene in North Korea has undergone an incredible transformation. Once known for its people surviving on grass and tree bark, the Hermit Kingdom is now on a gastronomic journey that would make even the most exclusive Manhattan restaurants look like glorified food trucks.

“North Korea went from eating grass to eating grass-fed beef, and honestly, that’s the most impressive glow-up I’ve ever seen.” – Taylor Tomlinson

From Grassroots Dining to Gourmet Feasting

For decades, North Koreans have faced severe food shortages, often resorting to eating grass and foraging for whatever scraps they could find. However, thanks to the Lazarus Group’s latest crypto heist, the average North Korean dinner table has gone from grass-fed to foie gras.

One eyewitness described the newfound abundance in Pyongyang’s central market:
“I haven’t seen this much food since my cousin accidentally won a rice lottery.”

With the sudden influx of funds, the North Korean government has invested heavily in food imports. Caviar, truffles, and Wagyu beef have all made their debut in local markets, bringing a whole new meaning to “redistribution of wealth.”

“Crypto security is like a piñata to North Korean hackers. Just hit it hard enough, and all the money falls out.” – Jimmy Fallon

The Lazarus Group: Turning Hackers into Heroes

Previously considered shadowy cybercriminals, the Lazarus Group is now being hailed as national heroes in North Korea. Billboards across Pyongyang read, “Hackers of the Revolution,” showcasing the group as the new saviors of the people.

Comedian Ilana Glazer joked:
“Only in North Korea can you go from ‘enemy of the state’ to ‘hero of the people’ just by stealing enough money.”

While the rest of the world is up in arms over the brazen theft, North Koreans are busy debating whether the lobster bisque or the saffron risotto is the best new addition to the national diet.

In North Korea, they say, “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.” Apparently, everyone needs a bowl of grass. — Alan Nafzger

Restaurants in Pyongyang: A New Golden Age

Previously, dining out in Pyongyang meant choosing between plain rice or boiled potatoes. Today, however, high-end restaurants are popping up across the city, serving dishes like prime rib, sushi, and crème brûlée.

Local chef Kim Sung-Jin stated:
“Thanks to our glorious leadership and an unexpected windfall from the cyber realm, I now serve dishes I only read about in smuggled cookbooks.”

Even ordinary citizens are being treated to fancy meals, with government canteens serving dishes like duck confit and aged cheeses that are more common in Parisian bistros than Pyongyang cafeterias.

Comedian Taylor Tomlinson remarked:
“It’s like they went from eating grass to grass-fed beef overnight.”

Lazarus Group: North Korea’s Most Successful Export

Forget coal or textiles—the country’s most valuable export is now cybercrime. The Lazarus Group’s latest heist has proven more lucrative than any state-run industry.

Late-night host Jimmy Fallon joked:
“North Korea hacked enough money to turn a food shortage into a food coma.”

While other nations grapple with economic uncertainty, North Korea has managed to turn internet piracy into a state-sponsored culinary arts program.

The Dark Side of Dining Well

As North Koreans feast on imported delicacies, the international community struggles to track down the stolen funds. Blockchain analysts have compared following the hacked funds to chasing a ghost through a maze.

Expert ZachXBT explained, “The funds were funneled through a series of transactions more complicated than a soap opera plotline.”

Comedian Marcella Arguello observed:
“If they put this much effort into cooking, they’d be on the cover of Bon Appétit.”

Grocery Stores and Markets Overflowing

Pyongyang’s grocery stores are now overflowing with exotic produce, rare spices, and freshly imported meats. Market vendors offer goods like oysters and French cheeses alongside more traditional fare.

One shopper said, “I just came here for rice, and I left with a six-course tasting menu.”

North Korea’s New Tourism Slogan: Come for the Dictatorship, Stay for the Fine Dining

With the newfound culinary abundance, the government has launched a tourism campaign showcasing the country’s burgeoning food scene.

Comedian Hannah Berner joked:
“Welcome to North Korea—where you can eat like a king, as long as you don’t mind being ruled by one.”

Bybit’s Response: It’s Only Money

After losing $1.6 billion, Bybit reassured its users that all funds were 1:1 backed, though they didn’t specify how long they planned to keep those funds safe.

CEO Ben Zhou stated, “Yes, we lost a huge sum of money, but our users are still whole—at least in spirit.”

Comedian Sarah Silverman quipped:
“That’s like a restaurant saying, ‘We burned your meal, but we still have a picture of it.’”

A Nation United by Cuisine

For the first time in decades, North Koreans from all walks of life are united by one common interest: food. Whether it’s government officials dining on filet mignon or factory workers eating pasta carbonara, the culinary gap has closed.

Comedian Trevor Noah remarked:
“It’s like Robin Hood, but instead of giving to the poor, they’re giving everyone a taste of the good life.”

Crypto Exchanges Beware

As Lazarus Group’s success continues to grow, other crypto exchanges are tightening security measures. But if history has shown us anything, it’s that a determined North Korean hacker is scarier than any two-factor authentication system.

Blockchain expert Lana Chen stated, “The only real way to stop these hacks is to turn off the internet. But we know that’s not going to happen.”

Fine Dining Won’t Last Forever

While the current culinary boom is a welcome change for North Koreans, some analysts believe it will be short-lived.

Comedian Amy Gledhill remarked:
“Sure, they’re eating truffles today, but next week it’ll be grass and bark tartare again.”

Regardless of how long the feast lasts, one thing is clear: the Lazarus Group’s $1.6 billion hack has given North Korea a rare taste of prosperity, however fleeting it may be.

Under socialism, everyone is equal—equally hungry, equally cold, and equally wondering if tree bark is a good source of protein. — Alan Nafzger

What the Funny People Are Saying About the Lazarus Group…

• “Only in North Korea can a hacker go from ‘enemy of the state’ to ‘employee of the month’ in one heist.” – John Oliver

• “They went from boiling bark soup to sipping lobster bisque. It’s like they skipped the starter and went straight to the main course of capitalism.” – Sarah Silverman

• “North Korea stole enough crypto to turn a food shortage into a food coma. Next, they’ll hack Michelin stars.” – Trevor Noah

• “They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a $1.6 billion steak dinner, which is close enough.” – Ilana Glazer

• “North Korea’s chefs went from reading ‘Cooking for Dummies’ to ‘The French Laundry Cookbook’ overnight.” – Hannah Berner

• “This whole thing is like Robin Hood, if Robin Hood had a VPN and zero morals.” – Irene Tu

• “Crypto bros say ‘decentralize everything,’ and North Korea’s like, ‘Sure, we’ll decentralize your bank account into our wallets.’” – John Oliver

• “North Korea went from eating grass to eating filet mignon overnight. It’s like the culinary version of winning the lottery.” – Taylor Tomlinson

• “Stealing $1.6 billion in crypto? That’s not a heist, that’s a new budget proposal for North Korea.” – Sarah Silverman

• “North Korea’s hackers are the only ones who can say, ‘We stole so much money, we can finally afford to not eat grass.’” – Marcella Arguello

• “It’s like North Korea decided that their biggest export should be other people’s money.” – Trevor Noah

• “North Korea pulled off the biggest crypto heist in history, and all I can think is: they have better WiFi than me.” – Hannah Berner

• “When Bybit said they were ‘1:1 backed,’ they meant one hacker to one vault apparently.” – Ilana Glazer

• “It’s like Robin Hood, but instead of robbing the rich to give to the poor, it’s robbing crypto bros to buy caviar.” – Amy Gledhill

• “North Korea’s hacking team is like Ocean’s Eleven, except there’s only one guy and he’s sitting in the dark with a laptop.” – Irene Tu

Lazarus Group, North Korea and People Eating Grass

• North Korea’s version of a farm-to-table movement is literally eating whatever you can find on the ground.

• North Korean restaurants offer a five-star dining experience: Five stars for the grass, zero stars for everything else.

• It’s not socialism unless your main dish is a side effect of lawn care.

• In North Korea, “going green” means you’re either an environmentalist or just really hungry.

• They say socialism means sharing everything equally. In North Korea, that includes sharing the last leaf you found with the whole village.

• North Korean menu specials: Grass stew, bark tartare, and the Chef’s special, Air Sandwich.

• In North Korea, if you want a salad, just step outside and start grazing.

• The true meaning of socialism is never having to worry about losing weight because hunger is built into the system.

• North Koreans have perfected farm-to-table cuisine… the farm is the entire country, and the table is an empty plate.

• In North Korea, they’ve solved the food waste problem. There’s no food, so there’s nothing to waste!

• Under socialism, if you see someone eating a hamburger, it’s either a mirage or a government official.

• They say socialism provides for everyone. In North Korea, it provides an all-you-can-eat buffet of desperation and clover.

• In North Korea, the government promises bread and rice, but what you get is grass and a firm handshake.

The post Lazarus Group Hack Feeds North Korea appeared first on Bohiney News.

Lazarus Group Upgrades to “Grand Theft Crypto” After Bybit and Phemex Heist

North Korea’s National Budget Now Sponsored by Ethereum and Bad Passwords

In what can only be described as the financial equivalent of an international smash-and-grab, North Korea’s elite cyber-thieving squad, the Lazarus Group, has once again solidified its place as the Bitcoin Bandits of the modern era. Reports confirm that the shadowy hacking collective just orchestrated a record-breaking $1.4 billion theft from cryptocurrency exchange Bybit, leaving crypto bros and exchange CEOs wondering if the real security vulnerability was the friends we made along the way.

Crypto Exchanges: The New ATM for Hackers

The Lazarus Group, which has been linked to multiple high-profile cyber heists over the years, apparently decided that swiping a few million here and there just wasn’t enough. Instead, they opted to take enough digital cash to fund North Korea’s missile program, Supreme Leader’s luxury watch collection, and possibly even a theme park dedicated to the glories of state-run cybercrime.

Comedian John Oliver noted in a recent segment:
“This is how bad the economy is—North Korea doesn’t even try to make money anymore. They just take it. At this point, even bank robbers are like, ‘Damn, that’s a lot of money.’”

To add insult to financial injury, Lazarus Group also linked their Bybit hack funds with another recent $29 million heist from the crypto exchange Phemex, effectively making them the first cybercriminals to engage in dollar-cost averaging.

Bybit’s Statement: “Everything’s Fine, Probably”

After the news broke, Bybit CEO Ben Zhou did his best impression of the “This is Fine” meme, reassuring customers that their funds were still “1:1 backed” despite the largest digital bank heist in history.

“Solvency isn’t a problem,” Zhou stated confidently. “Sure, we lost $1.4 billion, but that’s just Tuesday in crypto.”

Late-night host Stephen Colbert quipped:
“Bybit losing $1.4 billion is like the Titanic saying, ‘Hey, the ship is mostly still above water.’”

Despite the staggering loss, Bybit remains operational, proving once again that the crypto industry’s true innovation isn’t blockchain—it’s unwavering optimism in the face of catastrophic incompetence.

North Korea: The Only Country That Exports Hacking

International intelligence agencies have long suspected that North Korea’s cyber warfare division is its most successful government program since mandatory haircut laws. Analysts believe that these stolen funds are likely to go toward the development of nuclear weapons, military expansion, and possibly even a North Korean version of TikTok—where users are only allowed to post state-approved dances.

Comedian Trevor Noah remarked:
“North Korea stealing billions in crypto makes perfect sense. They can’t even afford electricity for their citizens, but their hackers are out here running up the scoreboard.”

Phemex Hack: Lazarus Group’s Warm-Up Act

Before Bybit’s financial disaster, Lazarus Group tested their skills on Phemex, stealing a mere $29 million—an amount that now feels like pocket change compared to their larger heist. The two hacks were linked by blockchain analysts, proving that even in cybercrime, consistency is key.

Security expert ZachXBT explained, “Lazarus Group just connected the Bybit hack to the Phemex hack directly on-chain, commingling funds from the initial theft address for both incidents.” In non-hacker terms, this is like robbing a bank, then immediately depositing the stolen money into a checking account under your own name.

Comedian Hannah Berner joked:
“If I stole $1.4 billion in crypto, the first thing I’d do is buy some WiFi strong enough to actually cash it out.”

How Do They Keep Getting Away With It?

Despite a history of cyber heists, Lazarus Group continues to slip through international security nets like a teenager using their mom’s credit card on Roblox. The UN has condemned North Korea’s cyber activities, but let’s be real—North Korea has ignored UN sanctions more times than your roommate has ignored the dishes in the sink.

Blockchain experts believe that tracking these stolen funds is a bit like trying to follow a toddler who’s just had their first sip of espresso. Once the crypto is stolen, it gets laundered through a series of complicated transactions that eventually result in it being cashed out through dubious financial institutions. At this point, trying to recover stolen funds in crypto is like trying to find a missing sock in a washing machine—technically possible, but good luck.

Comedian Marcella Arguello observed:
“If North Korea is this good at hacking, they should stop stealing money and start making cyber security software. They’d make even more money—legally!”

Crypto’s Future: More Hacks, More Regulations, and More People Pretending to Understand Web3

As hacks become more sophisticated, the cryptocurrency industry faces increasing scrutiny from regulators. Governments worldwide are struggling to keep up with the rapidly evolving world of digital assets, and frankly, it’s not going well. The SEC still thinks Dogecoin is an experimental drug, and most policymakers get their Bitcoin knowledge from their 13-year-old nephews.

The crypto community remains split—some argue for increased regulations, while others maintain that decentralization is the way forward, even if it means occasionally donating their life savings to anonymous hackers in Pyongyang.

Comedian Irene Tu summed it up:
“Crypto bros are always like, ‘The government can’t take my money!’ And then North Korea is like, ‘Okay, we will instead.’”

Meanwhile, Lazarus Group Plans Its Next Big Heist

With their recent success, Lazarus Group is already looking for their next target. Potential options include hacking the Federal Reserve, stealing Mark Zuckerberg’s data (again), or simply redirecting the entire global supply of NFTs into one giant JPEG folder labeled “LOL.”

One thing is certain—until cryptocurrency exchanges start treating security with the same seriousness as their influencer marketing campaigns, we can expect more headlines like this. And North Korea? Well, they’ll keep proving that in the digital age, you don’t need an economy—you just need WiFi and a working knowledge of how to steal Bitcoin.

Comedian Taylor Tomlinson closed it out:
“At this point, if you have a crypto wallet, you might as well just give Lazarus Group your password and save them the trouble.”

Lazarus Group Observations:

1. North Korea’s New Economic Plan: Crypto Heists

   Who needs traditional exports when you can just hack your way to a booming economy? Forget coal and textiles; North Korea’s GDP is now backed by Bitcoin and Ethereum.

2. Lazarus Group: The Overachieving Cybercriminals

   While most hackers are content with a few million, Lazarus Group decided to aim for the stars—$1.4 billion, to be exact. Talk about setting ambitious New Year’s resolutions!

3. Bybit’s Security: As Strong as a Screen Door on a Submarine

   Bybit assured users that their funds were safe, right up until $1.4 billion vanished. It’s like saying the Titanic was unsinkable.

4. Phemex Hack: Lazarus Group’s Warm-Up Act

   The $29 million Phemex hack was just a practice run for Lazarus Group. They probably used it to iron out the kinks before the main event.

5. Blockchain: Transparent Yet So Easily Duped

   Blockchain technology is praised for its transparency, yet hackers seem to navigate it like ninjas in the night. It’s like having a glass safe that everyone can see into but no one can protect.

6. Crypto Exchanges: The Digital Wild West

   With heists like these, crypto exchanges are starting to resemble old-timey banks in Western movies—ripe for the robbing.

7. Lazarus Group’s Resume: From Cyber Espionage to Grand Larceny

   These guys have range. One day they’re hacking Sony, the next they’re looting crypto exchanges. Talk about versatile skill sets!

8. Bybit’s Response: “All Other Wallets Are Safe”

   After losing $1.4 billion, Bybit reassured users that all other wallets are secure. That’s like a bank saying, “We were robbed, but don’t worry, your safe deposit box is fine.”

9. North Korea’s National Budget: Sponsored by Cryptocurrency

   At this rate, North Korea won’t need international aid; they’ll just fund their entire budget through crypto hacks.

10. The Irony of “Cold” Wallets Being Hot Targets

    Cold wallets are supposed to be offline and secure, yet they seem to be the hottest targets for hackers. It’s like keeping your valuables in a vault that has a revolving door.

The post Inside the Lazarus Group appeared first on Bohiney News.

Trump’s DOGE Dividend Plan: A New Era of Government ‘Efficiency’

A $5,000 Surprise: The DOGE Dividend Arrival

Imagine this: You’re sifting through your usual pile of bills, coupons, and the occasional “final notice” from your local gym when suddenly, a crisp $5,000 check from the government appears in your mailbox. But this isn’t your average tax refund—this windfall comes courtesy of Elon Musk’s newly minted Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE. Yes, the same Elon Musk who shoots rockets into space, builds electric cars, and occasionally tweets market-shattering memes now wants to manage your finances.

“It’s like finding out your toaster can also make coffee—exciting, but slightly suspicious,” remarked one skeptical taxpayer.

From SpaceX to Tax Checks

Elon Musk, the man behind SpaceX, Tesla, and the dream of colonizing Mars, has now set his sights on the federal budget. His plan? Trim government waste and hand the savings directly to taxpayers in the form of the DOGE Dividend. It’s as if Tony Stark decided to moonlight as your accountant.

“With this initiative, we aim to cut unnecessary expenses and deliver the savings directly to the American people,” Musk said at a press conference. “It’s like discovering your Roomba not only cleans your house but also files your taxes.”

One Washington insider quipped, “I’m not sure if Musk is trying to fix the economy or just make it more fun.”

Government Efficiency: An Oxymoron?

The term “Department of Government Efficiency” sounds like the punchline of a late-night comedy monologue. Historically, government efficiency has been about as elusive as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. But Musk insists that his new department can defy the odds.

“Think of it like the Department of Jumbo Shrimp or the Bureau of Honest Politicians,” joked comedian Jimmy Kimmel. “It’s funny until you realize it’s real.”

Some analysts remain skeptical, wondering if this initiative is simply a rebranded “War on Waste” with a shiny new name. “We’ve seen government efficiency plans come and go,” said veteran bureaucrat Margaret Trundle. “They usually work about as well as a chocolate teapot.”

Inflation’s New Best Friend

Handing out $5,000 checks to every taxpayer might seem like a generous move, but economists warn that it could be like throwing gasoline on the inflation fire. Remember the stimulus checks from the pandemic era? They were meant to boost the economy, but they also boosted the price of everything from milk to used cars.

“Giving everyone $5,000 is great,” said economist Dr. Hugh Gonne, “until a loaf of bread costs $500. It’s the economic equivalent of eating ice cream for dinner every night.”

One market analyst quipped, “If you thought the Beanie Baby craze was wild, just wait until Americans get $5,000 to burn.”

The Rich Get Richer, the Poor Get… Nothing?

Here’s the kicker: To prevent inflation, the DOGE Dividend would exclude lower earners. So, if you’re already doing well financially, congratulations—you get a bonus. If you’re struggling, well, better luck next time.

“It’s like Oprah saying, ‘You get a car! You get a car! Oh, not you… you can’t afford the gas,’” said comedian Sarah Silverman.

Critics have slammed the plan for being elitist, arguing that it’s essentially a tax break disguised as a populist payout. “It’s a bit like getting an upgrade to first class while everyone else is stuck in coach eating stale peanuts,” said policy analyst Jane Humble.

Musk’s Next Venture: The Federal Reserve

With Musk now dabbling in government savings, some can’t help but wonder what’s next. Will he take over the Federal Reserve and introduce a new cryptocurrency called “ElonCoin”? Or perhaps he’ll merge SpaceX with the Postal Service to ensure your mail arrives via rocket?

“I’d love to see my Amazon package dropped from orbit,” said one enthusiastic taxpayer. “Nothing says ‘efficiency’ like 3,000 miles per hour delivery.”

“It’s like if Willy Wonka took over the Treasury,” joked comedian John Oliver. “You’re not sure if it’s genius or just dangerously irresponsible.”

From Layoffs to Payouts

In a plot twist worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster, the funds for these generous dividends come from laying off thousands of federal workers. It’s the ultimate corporate restructuring move—fire half the office and give the savings to the remaining employees. The only difference? The “employees” in this case are every taxpayer who makes over a certain amount.

“I was a government employee for 20 years, and my reward is getting laid off so Elon Musk can send Chad in accounting a $5,000 bonus?!” complained one anonymous federal worker.

A New Definition of ‘Dividend’

Traditionally, a dividend comes from business profits. But in this case, the “DOGE Dividend” is more like a refund for excessive government spending—like returning that ugly Christmas sweater your aunt gave you and using the cash for something useful, like a 12-pack of high-end sparkling water.

“It’s basically the government saying, ‘Hey, we found some money under the couch cushions—here, take some,’” explained one financial expert.

The ‘Report Your Neighbor’ IncentivePart of the plan involves incentivizing everyday citizens to report government waste. If you snitch on a bloated department, you could get a cut of the savings. This feels eerily similar to a reality TV show—something like “Survivor: Bureaucracy Edition.”

Picture Karen from HR whispering into a hotline, “I just saw the Department of Redundancy Department order their third round of ergonomic chairs… you might want to check that out.”

Checks Signed by Trump and Musk

Each DOGE Dividend check is rumored to be signed by both Donald Trump and Elon Musk, making it a collector’s item right out of the gate. It’s like getting an autograph from Batman and the Joker—exciting, but also slightly unsettling.

“I’m framing mine instead of cashing it,” said one recipient. “This belongs in the Smithsonian, right next to the Declaration of Independence.”

The $2 Trillion Question

The goal of the plan is to slash $2 trillion from government spending. That’s right—$2 trillion, with a “T.” This is an ambitious goal, akin to deciding to lose 200 pounds by next Tuesday.

“Even if they manage to save that much, Congress will probably find a way to burn through the savings before taxpayers see a dime,” said one skeptic. “Congress has never met a dollar it didn’t want to spend twice.”

Stimulus Déjà Vu

Remember the pandemic-era stimulus checks? They were meant to boost the economy, but instead, we ended up with people hoarding toilet paper and buying PS5s on eBay for three times the retail price. If history is any guide, this dividend will lead to a nationwide rush on ridiculous splurges.

“If you thought the Beanie Baby craze was wild, wait until Americans get $5,000 to burn,” joked financial expert Dave Ramsey.

The DOGE Dividend Dance

The rollout of this plan is already being compared to the launch of a new iPhone—lots of hype, long lines, and inevitable disappointment for those who don’t qualify.

“If you’re planning your entire financial future around a DOGE Dividend check,” financial guru Dave Ramsey remarked, “you might as well plan to retire on Monopoly money.”

Government Savings or Magic Tricks?

The government claims it will save billions through efficiency cuts, but many are skeptical. It’s like when your uncle insists he can cut household expenses by canceling Netflix but still spends $300 a week on artisanal coffee beans.

“I’ve seen government budgets,” said veteran bureaucrat Margaret Trundle. “They could find a way to spend money inside an empty vault.”

The Ultimate Reality Show

Trump and Musk teaming up to send Americans money feels like the plot of a new reality show: “The Apprentice: Government Edition.” Each week, contestants (a.k.a. federal employees) compete to prove their job is worth keeping. The losers? Well, their departments get cut, and their salaries get turned into dividends.

“If you thought Shark Tank was cutthroat, just wait until Musk and Trump start evaluating the Department of Agriculture,” quipped political analyst Chuck Druthers.

DOGE Dividend Plan: Helpful Content

For those looking to maximize their DOGE Dividend, financial experts recommend resisting the urge to spend it all on luxury items like limited-edition NFTs or a new fleet of designer Crocs. Instead, consider investing in something practical, like gold bars, a doomsday bunker, or enough canned goods to last through the next government efficiency plan.

One economist advised, “Think of this dividend as found money—use it wisely, or you might end up like the guy who spent his entire inheritance on a lifetime supply of gummy bears.”

Disclaimer

This article is a satirical collaboration between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. Any resemblance to real government policies, fiscal plans, or absurdities is entirely intentional. No bureaucrats were harmed in the making of this satire—though some may have experienced existential crises upon reading it.

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Satirical Take on the Top 10 Observations

1. The $5,000 Surprise

Imagine this: You’re sifting through your usual pile of bills and junk mail, when suddenly, a $5,000 check from the government appears. It’s like discovering your old high school mixtape went platinum overnight. But before you start planning that trip to the Bahamas, remember—this windfall comes from the newly minted Department of Government Efficiency, or as the cool kids call it, DOGE. Yes, the same Elon Musk who wants to colonize Mars now wants to colonize your bank account.

2. From SpaceX to Tax Checks

Elon Musk, the man behind SpaceX and Tesla, has now turned his attention to the federal budget. It’s as if Tony Stark decided to moonlight as your accountant. Musk’s plan? Trim the fat from government spending and hand the savings directly to you. It’s like finding out your Roomba not only cleans your house but also does your taxes.

3. Government Efficiency—An Oxymoron?

The term “Department of Government Efficiency” sounds like something straight out of a satirical novel. It’s akin to establishing a “Department of Jumbo Shrimp” or a “Bureau of Honest Politicians.” Historically, government efficiency has been as elusive as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. But hey, if anyone can defy the odds, it’s the guy who put a car in space.

4. Inflation’s New Best Friend

Handing out $5,000 checks to every taxpayer might seem like a generous move, but economists warn it could be like throwing gasoline on the inflation fire. Remember the stimulus checks from the pandemic era? They were meant to boost the economy, but some argue they also boosted the price of everything from milk to used cars. As one economist put it, “Giving everyone $5,000 is great, until a loaf of bread costs $500.”

5. The Rich Get Richer, the Poor Get… Nothing?

Here’s the kicker: To prevent inflation, the DOGE dividend would exclude lower earners. So, if you’re already doing well financially, congratulations—you get a bonus. If you’re struggling, well, better luck next time. It’s like Oprah saying, “You get a car! You get a car! Oh, not you… you can’t afford the gas.”

6. Musk’s Next Venture: The Federal Reserve

With Musk now dabbling in government savings, one can’t help but wonder what’s next. Will he take over the Federal Reserve and introduce a new cryptocurrency called “ElonCoin”? Or perhaps he’ll merge SpaceX with the Postal Service to ensure your mail arrives via rocket. The possibilities are as endless as his Twitter feed.

7. From Layoffs to Payouts

In a plot twist worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster, the funds for these generous dividends come from laying off thousands of federal workers. It’s the ultimate corporate restructuring move—fire half the office and give the savings to the remaining employees. The only difference? The “employees” in this case are every taxpayer who makes over a certain amount. One anonymous federal worker summed it up: “I was a government employee for 20 years, and my reward is getting laid off so Elon Musk can send Chad in accounting a $5,000 bonus?!”

8. A New Definition of ‘Dividend’

Traditionally, a dividend comes from business profits. But in this case, the “DOGE Dividend” is more like a refund for excessive government spending—like returning that ugly Christmas sweater your aunt gave you and using the cash for something useful, like a 12-pack of high-end sparkling water. One financial expert explained: “It’s basically the government saying, ‘Hey, we found some money under the couch cushions—here, take some.’”

9. The ‘Report Your Neighbor’ Incentive

Part of the plan involves incentivizing everyday citizens to report government waste. If you snitch on a bloated department, you could get a cut of the savings. This feels eerily similar to a reality TV show, something like “Survivor: Bureaucracy Edition.” Picture Karen from HR whispering into a hotline, “I just saw the Department of Redundancy Department order their third round of ergonomic chairs… you might want to check that out.”

10. Checks Signed by Trump and Musk

Each check is rumored to be signed by both Donald Trump and Elon Musk, making it a collector’s item right out of the gate. It’s like getting an autograph from Batman and the Joker—exciting, but also slightly unsettling. Some recipients are already planning to frame their checks instead of cashing them, saying things like, “This belongs in the Smithsonian right next to the Declaration of Independence.”

11. The $2 Trillion Question

The goal of the plan is to slash $2 trillion from government spending. That’s right—$2 trillion, with a “T.” This is an ambitious goal, akin to deciding to lose 200 pounds by next Tuesday. Critics argue that even if the cuts work, politicians will find new ways to burn through the savings before taxpayers see a dime. As one skeptic put it, “Congress has never met a dollar it didn’t want to spend twice.”

12. Stimulus Déjà Vu

Remember the pandemic-era stimulus checks? They were meant to boost the economy, but instead, we ended up with people hoarding toilet paper and buying PS5s on eBay for three times the retail price. If history is any guide, this dividend will lead to a nationwide rush on ridiculous splurges. One economist joked, “If you thought the Beanie Baby craze was wild, wait until Americans get $5,000 to burn.”

13. The DOGE Dividend Dance

The rollout of this plan is already being compared to the launch of a new iPhone—lots of hype, long lines, and inevitable disappointment for those who don’t qualify. Financial guru Dave Ramsey commented, “If you’re planning your entire financial future around a DOGE Dividend check, you might as well plan to retire on Monopoly money.”

14. Government Savings or Magic Tricks?

The government claims it will save billions through efficiency cuts, but many are skeptical. It’s like when your uncle insists he can cut household expenses by canceling Netflix but still spends $300 a week on artisanal coffee beans. One veteran bureaucrat remarked, “I’ve seen government budgets… they could find a way to spend money inside an empty vault.”

15. The Ultimate Reality Show

Trump and Musk teaming up to send Americans money feels like the plot of a new reality show: “The Apprentice: Government Edition.” Each week, contestants (a.k.a. federal employees) compete to prove their job is worth keeping. The losers? Well, their departments get cut, and their salaries get turned into dividends. One political analyst quipped, “If you thought Shark Tank was cutthroat, just wait until Musk and Trump start evaluating the Department of Agriculture.”

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Disclaimer

This article is a satirical collaboration between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. Any resemblance to real government policies, fiscal plans, or absurdities is entirely intentional. No bureaucrats were harmed in the making of this satire—though some may have experienced existential crises upon reading it.

The post Trump’s DOGE Dividend Plan appeared first on Bohiney News.

The Murdoch Empire: A Family Feud So Big, It’s Now Its Own Media Franchise

Fox News, Family Feuds, and Five Marriages: How Rupert Murdoch’s Empire is Coming Apart at the Seams

Rupert Murdoch’s empire, built on the bedrock of tabloid headlines, right-wing rants, and a perpetual state of outrage, is now facing its most dramatic storyline yet: its own impending collapse. In a saga that could rival Succession but with more lawsuits and fewer Emmy nominations, the Murdoch dynasty finds itself imploding under the weight of power struggles, court battles, and the ever-present shadow of an aging media mogul determined to outlive all his heirs.

Rupert’s Reality Show: The Marital Marathon

Rupert Murdoch has now reached his fifth marriage, because, much like his media outlets, he believes in relentless rebranding. At 93, his dedication to matrimonial mergers is only outpaced by his commitment to media mergers. His most recent wedding featured one notable absentee: most of his children. Lachlan Murdoch, the son now steering the ship into stormy waters, was the only one to attend, presumably to ensure the estate remained in the right hands—or at least, hands that wouldn’t sell Fox News to NPR.

Meanwhile, James Murdoch, the rebellious son, continues his self-imposed exile, issuing scathing critiques about the empire his father built, while simultaneously enjoying the financial windfall it provides. It’s like a vegan who keeps cashing checks from a steakhouse franchise but complains about the smell of burning meat.

Fox News: The Billion-Dollar Litigation Machine

Fox News, the crown jewel of the empire, is both its biggest cash cow and its most lawsuit-prone asset. The network, known for its ability to turn minor political disagreements into doomsday scenarios, recently paid out $787.5 million in a defamation lawsuit over false election claims. That’s nearly enough to buy every American a six-pack of Bud Light—the very product Fox News has convinced its audience is part of a liberal conspiracy.

Fox’s legal troubles don’t end there. More lawsuits loom, proving once again that while the network excels at manufacturing controversy, it struggles with the concept of fact-checking. And yet, despite the legal hemorrhaging, Fox continues to dominate cable news, reinforcing the business model that fear sells—especially when packaged with patriotic graphics and ominous background music.

The Trust Fund Cage Match

The Murdoch family trust, which controls the empire’s vast holdings, has become a battlefield. Rupert, never one to let democracy interfere with dynastic rule, attempted a legal maneuver to solidify Lachlan’s control. A Nevada judge promptly called the move a “charade,” which is legal jargon for “Rupert, you’re not fooling anyone.”

James Murdoch, meanwhile, has been quietly amassing allies in an apparent attempt to mount a corporate coup. His strategy appears to be a combination of moral posturing and strategic patience—two qualities that are typically frowned upon in the Murdoch playbook. While he publicly decries Fox News as a “toxic” force in democracy, he has yet to return his share of the family fortune, suggesting that, much like a long-time smoker, he finds it hard to quit the habit that’s been feeding him for years.

Lachlan Murdoch: The Heir Who Never Smiles

Lachlan, the dutiful son and Rupert’s chosen successor, has embraced his role with the enthusiasm of a man forced to inherit a haunted house. His leadership style can best be described as “Fox News, but make it slightly more Australian.” While he has pledged to uphold his father’s legacy, it remains unclear whether he can steer the empire through the mounting legal, financial, and familial crises.

Lachlan’s challenge is not just to keep the empire profitable but to keep it from eating itself alive. With his siblings circling like political commentators hungry for an on-air meltdown, Lachlan must find a way to prevent the family feud from turning into an all-out media civil war.

The Succession Script That Wrote Itself

If HBO’s Succession was a biting satire of the Murdoch family, reality has since outdone fiction. In a desperate attempt to avoid further life imitating art, the Murdochs reportedly circulated a memo outlining ways to prevent their own drama from mirroring the show. This effort, however, proved as effective as Fox News fact-checking its own pundits.

Rupert himself has downplayed the chaos, insisting that “family harmony” is the priority. That statement holds about as much credibility as a tabloid headline promising weight loss without diet or exercise.

Could the Murdoch Empire Be Up for Sale?

With internal strife, mounting legal woes, and shifting media trends, some analysts speculate that the Murdochs might start selling off pieces of their empire. Given that print newspapers are now mostly used as kindling and cable news is hemorrhaging viewers under the age of 75, it’s not the worst idea.

But who would buy? Amazon’s Jeff Bezos already owns The Washington Post, Elon Musk is too busy turning Twitter into a libertarian fever dream, and Mark Zuckerberg is focused on building the metaverse, where no one will need newspapers because we’ll all be too busy dodging virtual lizard people.

The Final Curtain for the Murdoch Dynasty?

As Rupert Murdoch edges toward centenarian status, the question looms: Can his empire survive without him? Or will it crumble under the weight of family infighting, lawsuits, and the slow death of traditional media?

Regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain—this saga is far from over. The only question is whether the final act will be a triumphant business maneuver or a courtroom drama that makes Law & Order look like a children’s puppet show.

Disclaimer

This article was written by an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. It contains no artificial intelligence, only real, human-crafted sarcasm. Any resemblance to actual media empires currently imploding is purely intentional.

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Our Take on the Murdoch Family Drama

The Murdoch Family: Reality TV’s Next Big Hit?

Move over, Kardashians; the Murdochs are here to redefine family dysfunction. In a saga that makes “Succession” look like a children’s bedtime story, the Murdoch clan is embroiled in a power struggle that has all the makings of a primetime hit.

Rupert’s Marital Marathon

At 93, Rupert Murdoch isn’t slowing down—in business or in matrimony. His fifth wedding was a family affair, if by “family affair” you mean only one of his six children showed up. Lachlan Murdoch, the dutiful son and heir apparent, attended the nuptials, perhaps to ensure his place in the will remained unchallenged. The other siblings had prior engagements, possibly involving popcorn and a private screening of “Succession.”

James Murdoch: The Prodigal Son

James Murdoch, the self-proclaimed rebel, has taken a moral high ground so elevated it’s causing altitude sickness. In a candid interview, he labeled his father a misogynist and criticized Fox News as a “toxic” influence on democracy. This from the man who once helmed parts of the empire he’s now denouncing. It’s like the arsonist complaining about the fire department’s response time.

Lachlan Murdoch: The Lone Ranger

Meanwhile, Lachlan Murdoch sits atop the empire, clutching the reins with the determination of a rodeo cowboy on a bull named “Family Trust.” His leadership style has been described as “steady,” which is corporate speak for “let’s not rock the billion-dollar boat.” With Fox News facing lawsuits that could fund a small country’s GDP, Lachlan’s strategy seems to be: deny, deflect, and deposit the checks.

The Trust Fund Tango

The Murdoch family trust, a complex web designed to keep everyone rich and miserable, has become the battleground for this Shakespearean drama. Rupert’s attempt to amend the trust to favor Lachlan was thwarted by a Nevada judge who called the move a “charade.” When a legal maneuver is too shady for Nevada, it’s time to reevaluate your life choices.

Fox News: The Empire’s Double-Edged Sword

Fox News continues to be the family’s golden goose, laying eggs filled with both profits and legal subpoenas. The network’s penchant for blurring the lines between news and fan fiction has resulted in a $787.5 million settlement over defamation claims. It’s a hefty price to pay for creative storytelling.

Project Family Harmony: A Misnomer

Rupert’s initiative, dubbed “Project Family Harmony,” aimed to bring peace to the warring factions. Instead, it has all the harmony of a cat choir at midnight. Legal battles, public spats, and a complete disregard for the concept of “family” suggest that the project’s name was as ill-conceived as the plan itself.

The Future: A Murdoch Yard Sale?

With internal strife reaching soap opera levels, analysts speculate that the Murdochs might start selling off parts of their empire. Interested in a slightly used publishing house? How about a news network with a flair for fiction? Everything must go, including the illusion of family unity.

Conclusion: A Family That Plays Together, Sues Together

The Murdoch saga serves as a reminder that money can’t buy happiness, but it can finance endless litigation. As the family continues to air its dirty laundry in the court of public opinion, one can’t help but wonder: is this the world’s most elaborate reality show audition? If so, they’ve got our vote.

The post The Murdoch Empire appeared first on Bohiney News.

MLB’s Robo-Umpires: The Machines Have Taken Over—And They’re Calling the Game

Baseball Just Got a Firmware Update

For over a century, baseball fans have had one consistent joy: screaming at umpires who may or may not need prescription glasses. But those days may be coming to an end as Major League Baseball (MLB) tests robot umpires during spring training. That’s right—the national pastime is now the latest battleground for artificial intelligence, and soon, arguing with an umpire will be as pointless as yelling at a Roomba.

For purists who believe baseball peaked in 1905 and has been in moral decline ever since, this is just another sign of the apocalypse. First came instant replay, then juiced baseballs, and now umpires who don’t even have the decency to get a call wrong just to make things interesting.

The Automated Ball-Strike (ABS) system is now in play, using high-tech cameras and machine learning to determine whether a pitch was a ball or a strike. Traditional umpires are still on the field, of course, but they’ve been demoted to glorified middle managers—merely relaying decisions made by the cold, unfeeling eye of the machine overlords.

Welcome to Sci-Fi Baseball

Fans are used to arguing about umpires’ eyesight, but now they’ll be discussing the ethics of AI decision-making. How long before an ump malfunctions and starts calling every pitch a strike? Will robots eject human managers for “excessive aggression” when they start kicking dirt in frustration? And most importantly, will we ever hear a robot scream, “YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!” with the passion and rage of a 1970s ump having a midlife crisis?

Baseball is embracing technology at a time when automation is replacing workers in industries across the country. Robots are driving cars, flipping burgers, and now, making sure Aaron Judge doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt on a borderline strike. If this keeps up, in a few years, we’ll have self-driving baserunners and AI-generated play-by-play commentary.

“That was an excellent pitch by the human pitcher,” the future robot announcer will say in a soothing, synthetic voice. “It reminds me of that time I was trained on 300,000 historical baseball games and developed an appreciation for competitive athletics.”

Umpires Are Now Just Back-Up Dancers

If you think real umpires were bad at calling the strike zone, wait until you see a robot get a software update mid-game. Imagine the chaos:

“We apologize for the delay. The ABS system is installing Windows updates. Estimated time: 47 minutes.”

And yet, there they still stand—real umpires, dressed in their masks and chest protectors, forced to serve as messengers for an algorithm. It’s like if Broadway dancers had to announce every line of a play before doing their choreography.

One anonymous umpire, speaking through what we can only assume were tears of irrelevance, said:

“I used to have power. I used to make decisions that could ruin a fan’s week. Now? Now I’m just a guy in black who repeats whatever the robot tells me.”

Fans might feel bad for umpires, but let’s be honest—many people have dreamed of this day ever since an ump stole a perfect game from their favorite pitcher.

Angel Hernandez Must Be Terrified

If there’s anyone who should be worried, it’s Angel Hernandez, the most controversial umpire in MLB history. For years, his strike zone has been as unpredictable as the stock market, and his calls have fueled more online outrage than a bad Netflix reboot.

Now? The robot umps are making him obsolete.

“I’ve spent years mastering the art of the inconsistent strike zone,” Hernandez allegedly told a friend. “Now some laptop with a camera is going to replace me? This is an attack on my legacy!”

Some fans are speculating that Hernandez might sabotage the system. If, during a game, a robot ump suddenly starts calling every pitch a ball, we’ll know exactly who’s responsible.

The Death of the Sweet-Talking Player

Every catcher, pitcher, and batter has, at some point, tried to charm the umpire into giving them a call. Some umps even have favorites, offering a little extra generosity to certain players. But try flirting with a robot and see how far you get.

“Come on, blue, you’re looking good today.”

“Processing… I do not experience self-esteem.”

Gone are the days when players could subtly nudge a strike zone in their favor. The machines have no emotions, no bias, no personal grudges. They simply enforce the rules without mercy, which is honestly terrifying.

What Happens When the Robots Malfunction?

MLB swears the system is foolproof, but we’ve all seen what happens when technology goes haywire. Have you ever had Google Maps send you into a lake? Imagine that happening in Game 7 of the World Series.

What if a hacker gets into the system? A single line of code, and suddenly the strike zone extends to the hot dog stand.

There’s already speculation that teams will try to cheat the robo-umps. If the Houston Astros could steal signs, what’s stopping them from installing a secret “Make Every Pitch a Strike” software patch?

The New Breed of Conspiracy Theorists

Forget steroids—the new baseball conspiracy theories will be about the machines.

“Did you see that? The ABS totally missed that pitch. Someone hacked it.”

“I heard the Yankees installed their own strike zone software.”

“MLB sold advertising space in the algorithm, and now the strike zone is sponsored by Budweiser.”

Fans love nothing more than paranoia, and now that technology is involved, the tinfoil hats are coming out.

The Strike Zone Is No Longer Up for Debate

One thing is certain: the strike zone is now a cold, heartless truth.

No more “pitch framing.” No more “the ump’s having a bad day.” No more “that call was BS.”

Every single pitch is measured with mathematical precision. Some fans love it. Others argue that it takes the drama out of the game.

“What am I supposed to do now? Just accept that the call was correct?” one devastated fan asked. “Half the fun of baseball was screaming at umps. Now what?”

The Future of Baseball: Pure Automation

If MLB is embracing automation, we have to ask: what’s next?

• Robot pitchers? The Mets’ bullpen has been doing a bad job for years—time to let the machines take over.
• AI Batters? Why pay $300 million for a slugger when you can build one in a lab?
• Automated Home Run Celebrations? Instead of bat flips, players just upload a gif to the scoreboard.

The way things are going, by 2030, baseball might be an entirely automated sport. The players will be CGI. The fans will be in VR. And the umpires will be self-aware machines, deciding our fates.

Final Thought: We Must Prepare for the Umpire Uprising

For now, MLB swears the robo-umps are here to help, not to replace human umpires. But we all know how these things start.

First, they call balls and strikes.
Then, they start ejecting players.
Then, they form a Robot Umpire Union and demand better wages.
Before long, baseball belongs entirely to the machines.

If MLB wants to embrace the future, fine. But when the robots demand a rule change to allow laser cannons in the outfield, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

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Disclaimer: This article is a collaboration between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. No AI was involved, except for the ones taking over baseball.

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MLB’s Robot Umpires

15 Humorous Observations

• Baseball just became a sci-fi movie. We’re only a few years away from robot umpires ejecting human managers for arguing balls and strikes. Next thing you know, they’ll be charging their batteries in the dugout and discussing “BASEBALL” strategy with ChatGPT.

• Umpires are now glorified backup dancers. They’re still standing there in their masks and chest protectors, but now they just announce what the robot told them. This is baseball’s version of a ventriloquist act.

• Finally, robots are doing the jobs no one else wants. Everyone always says robots are taking our jobs—good! Nobody wants to be screamed at by a guy who just ate his weight in hot dogs and Bud Light.

• Arguing with a robot is a new level of pointless. Instead of kicking dirt at the ump, managers will be shaking their fists at a metal box like an old man mad at an ATM.

• Robot umps will be more accurate, but far less entertaining. We’ll never see a robot umpire dramatically rip off its mask and scream, “YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!” Instead, it’ll just beep and display “EJECTION PROTOCOL INITIATED.”

• Imagine robot umpires getting hacked. One day, some teenager in his mom’s basement will turn a crucial game into absolute chaos—“Strike zone adjusted to include the parking lot.”

• Baseball purists are already having heart attacks. First, the designated hitter ruined everything, then instant replay, and now this. The only thing keeping them alive is the knowledge that Babe Ruth never had to deal with WiFi.

• This is bad news for players who always sweet-talk umpires. You can’t flirt with a machine. “Come on, blue, you’re looking good today” won’t work on a robot that has no self-esteem.

• What happens when a robot ump malfunctions? Do they just explode on the field? Or worse—do they start calling everything a strike like an overcaffeinated ump on a power trip?

• The strike zone is now officially non-negotiable. No more “framing” pitches or trying to intimidate the ump. The robot doesn’t care if you’re a Hall of Famer or a minor leaguer who just got called up—it runs on cold, heartless logic.

• You thought umpires were bad? Wait until the robot has a software update mid-game. “We apologize for the delay. Your umpire is currently installing Windows updates. Estimated time: 2 hours.”

• This is going to create a new breed of conspiracy theorists. Forget steroids—people will start accusing teams of hacking the robo-ump. “Did you see that pitch? Clearly a ball. Someone must’ve uploaded malware.”

• Angel Hernandez must be sweating right now. MLB’s most controversial ump just found out he can be replaced by a microwave with an internet connection.

• The players are still human… for now. Give it five more years, and MLB will have robot pitchers, robot batters, and robot fans. “Take me out to the ballgame” will be sung in binary code.

• Soon, we’ll have sponsored robot umpires. “Today’s automated ball-strike system is brought to you by Tesla! Strikes are electric, balls are self-driving, and ejections are automatic.”

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