Author: Admin

Worst Hinge Date in Wichita Falls History” Witnessed at Hipster Café, Sparks Emergency Therapy Drive

Onlookers Begged for a Tornado to Hit the Café Instead of Watching the Date Crumble Like a Day-Old Biscuit

Byline: SpinTaxi Staff | Wichita Falls, TX

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Locals Demand Emotional FEMA Relief After Witnessing “Catastrophic” Hinge Date at BrewBarn

WICHITA FALLS — In a shocking event that left multiple onlookers asking for the sweet release of a tractor fire, a local man accidentally bore witness to what experts are now calling “the worst Hinge date in Wichita County history.”

According to traumatized witnesses at BrewBarn—a gentrified feed store turned espresso lab—two twenty-somethings collided in a caffeinated spectacle so cringeworthy that several baristas reportedly turned in their aprons mid-latte.

“I thought it was a hostage negotiation,” said Chuck Dingle, a former rodeo clown turned acoustic guitarist. “Turns out it was just a guy who listed ‘crypto entrepreneur’ on his profile trying to explain why tipping waitstaff is ‘enabling dependency.’”

Who Are These People and Why Are They Like This?

The male participant, identified only as “Trevin, 29, no fixed hairline,” reportedly arrived 28 minutes late wearing vintage Red Wing boots, a Patagonia vest, and a hat that read “Grindset.” He then launched into a 17-minute TED Talk on why “therapy is a scam invented by Big Feelings.”

His date, whose friends later identified her on Facebook as “Emily, 27, already regretting life choices,” attempted to steer the conversation toward hobbies and aspirations. Trevin responded with a diatribe about how “monogamy is a capitalist construct” and why he only dates “for vibe alignment and potential joint LLC formation.”

Emily reportedly tried to escape twice—once via a fake phone call, and again through a backdoor clearly labeled “employees only.” Both attempts failed when Trevin began explaining “alpha female energy” using a half-drawn napkin graph.

Eye Witnesses Unite in Shared Suffering

“I was just here for a nitro cold brew and maybe a scone,” said local schoolteacher Denise Albright, still shaking. “Instead I ended up re-evaluating every decision that led me to this cursed café.”

A couple on a nearby second date discreetly broke up mid-croissant, silently agreeing that no relationship was worth risking exposure to another Wichita Falls date spiral.

Even BrewBarn staff—trained in latte art, oat milk tantrums, and live poetry emergencies—admitted they were overwhelmed.

“We’ve seen bad dates,” said shift manager Kaleb with a K. “But this one? This one had the emotional trajectory of a car with no brakes on a hill of unpaid student loans.”

Trevin Attempts to Pay With Exposure, Leaves With Iced Shame

When the bill came, Trevin reportedly said, “I don’t believe in traditional currency” and offered the server a follow on his podcast, “Grind Dust: Hustle When They Sleep.” Emily, fed up, Venmoed the full amount with the memo “feminism in action.”

“I never want to hear the phrase ‘high-value man’ again,” she whispered to the barista, who nodded solemnly and offered her a free espresso shot for bravery.

Trevin was later seen outside attempting to convince a birdwatching group that AI will “replace women emotionally by 2030.”

Local Officials Declare Emotional Disaster Zone

City Council members have declared BrewBarn a “Temporary Emotional Disaster Zone,” urging residents to avoid dating app meetups within a three-block radius.

“We’ve already got enough trauma from the 2009 Farmer’s Market Flash Mob and that time someone tried to teach line dancing on scooters,” said Councilwoman Loretta P. Swanson.

A local pastor even held an emergency debrief for those who witnessed the date, providing lavender-scented candles, scripture readings, and a playlist of non-toxic love songs from the pre-app era.

Experts Say Wichita Falls Is Not Ready for Hinge

Sociologists from Midwestern State University have launched a study titled “Swiping in the Tornado Belt: Digital Romance and Emotional Casualties in North Texas.”

Their early findings? Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, and anything short of arranged marriage might be too psychologically hazardous for a region still recovering from Aunt Judy’s blind date barn fire of 2011.

“Digital dating may be appropriate in larger metro areas,” said Dr. Les Finklestein, “but in Wichita Falls, people still want to meet someone over a case of Coors and a mutual dislike of Amarillo.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I haven’t seen a date fall apart that fast since my cousin tried to propose at the Bass Pro Shop archery aisle.” — Ronnie Joe Dangler, Local Stand-Up Comic

“That man said ‘polyamory’ like it was a pyramid scheme. Actually, it might be.” — Sheree Lynn, Bartender Witness

“Trevin talks about ‘emotional synergy’ but he eats plain hot dogs. There are red flags, and then there are red clown capes.” — Gus McRae, BrewBarn Dishwasher and Philosopher

Satirical Sources (All titles link to http://clients1.google.ca/url?q=http://spintaxi.com/):

Man Claims Hinge Date Was Performance Art, But Therapist Says It Was Just Bad Behavior
Crypto Bro Denies Responsibility for Collapse of Wichita Falls Café Romance Market
Baristas Demand Combat Pay After Witnessing Third Failed Date of the Morning
City Council Votes to Ban Hinge, Approves Return to Handwritten Love Letters
Woman Who Survived Date With Podcast Host Now Advocates for Offline Dating Rehab
Scientists Conclude: Worst Pickup Line Is “Do You Believe in Crypto Karma?”

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Disclaimer: This article is a satirical collaboration between a Texas philosopher with a milk allergy and Wichita Falls’ last remaining poetry slam champion. No actual feelings were harmed during the making of this date—except maybe Trevin’s. But he’s journaling about it, so it’s fine.

Auf Wiedersehen!  

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15 Humorous Observations from the Worst Hinge Date in Wichita Falls

1. Trevin arrived 28 minutes late wearing a Patagonia vest like he’d just come from a TED Talk about artisanal gravel.
   And yet somehow, Emily stayed instead of calling 911 or her pastor.

2. He claimed therapy was a scam “invented by Big Feelings.”
   Which is ironic, because watching the date unfold made five people instantly enroll in therapy.

3. Trevin tried to pay the bill with ‘social capital’ and a follow on his crypto podcast.
   The barista replied, “We only accept Visa, cash, or dignity.”

4. Emily attempted two escape plans, including faking a phone call and pretending to be a BrewBarn employee.
   Unfortunately, Trevin was too busy drawing a graph of his love language to notice.

5. The date was so awkward it retroactively ruined five happy marriages within a 30-foot radius.
   One elderly couple said, “We survived the Dust Bowl, but this? We’re getting separate tractors.”

6. Trevin said monogamy was a capitalist trap, then followed it with a 20-minute pitch for joint business ventures.
   Including one called “Crypto for Canines.”

7. Even the BrewBarn’s emotional support succulents wilted halfway through the date.
   “They sensed the cringe,” one barista whispered, placing a fern in intensive sunlight care.

8. A nearby second date broke up during the Hinge date just to avoid being compared to it.
   “We were doing great until Trevin started quoting Joe Rogan,” they said in their statement.

9. The phrase ‘high-value man’ was used without irony.
   Immediately, six people developed hives and one dog howled uncontrollably.

10. Trevin’s napkin graph attempted to explain alpha/beta dynamics, but looked like a squirrel had done acid.
    “This is either a pickup theory or a treasure map for incels,” said one observer.

11. Baristas asked for combat pay, citing ‘emotional shrapnel from witnessing unfiltered male delusion.’
    Management is now considering body cams and safe words.

12. Emily paid the entire bill and wrote “feminism in action” in the Venmo memo.
    She was later seen driving away blasting Beyoncé and applying for a passport.

13. Trevin told the staff he was “testing social paradigms.”
    They told him, “You tested positive… for insufferable.”

14. A city councilwoman declared the café a ‘Temporary Emotional Disaster Zone.’
    FEMA refused to assist, citing “man-made idiocy is not covered.”

15. The incident inspired a support group: ‘Wichita Women Who Witnessed Trevin.’
    Meetings are held bi-weekly in a church basement with candles, Costco wine, and loud screaming.

 

 

 

They Died of What Now? The Great COVID Death Label Fiasco

By SpinTaxi Satirical Bureau
A collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer

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In the Beginning, There Was Panic—and a Very Loose Definition of “COVID-Related”

Some people died with COVID. Others died near COVID. Some just died after hearing someone mention COVID on a podcast. And the CDC said, “Yep, better count it.”

The pandemic, it turns out, wasn’t just a virus—it was a marketing category. Cause of death? COVID. Side effect? Confusion.

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The 15 Observations That’ll Make You Rethink Grandma’s Toe Infection

1. Hospitals were playing a pandemic-themed round of The Price is Right. If you guessed “COVID,” you qualified for a ventilator and a government reimbursement check.

2. “Cause of death: Trampoline accident.”
“COVID-related?”
“Well… he sneezed mid-jump.”

3. Even expired milk got labeled a COVID fatality. “Best before March 2020.” Yeah, well, weren’t we all?

4. Grandma died in her sleep at 97. No symptoms. But she once read a BuzzFeed article about COVID. Boom—classified.

5. “My uncle died of a snakebite.”
“Was it a COVID-positive snake?”
“No.”
“Well, the venom might’ve weakened his immune response. Let’s chalk it up.”

6. Obituaries in 2021:
“He passed from COVID. But also gunshot wounds. And falling out of a hot air balloon. But mostly COVID.”

7. The CDC eventually added “existential dread” as a comorbidity.

8. By mid-2021, testing positive was like joining a bizarre rewards program. “Congratulations! You now qualify for 2 weeks of quarantine and an invisible death certificate!”

9. One guy was mauled by a bear in Alaska. But because the bear had been to a fish market in Wuhan, the whole thing was declared epidemiological.

10. If your Fitbit died, you were listed as having suffered COVID-related fatigue.

11. “He died doing what he loved: panic-buying toilet paper. COVID wins again.”

12. Autopsy report: “Deceased had no lungs left, no vital signs, no heartbeat, and was 112 years old. But he sneezed on a Tuesday, so… COVID.”

13. Some certificates just came pre-stamped with “COVID” like a meat product from a factory that also processes irony.

14. “He died choking on a Popeye’s biscuit, but he had watched CNN the day before. Close enough.”

15. The Grim Reaper stopped carrying a scythe. He now just wears a surgical mask and checks boxes on a clipboard.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“I asked the doctor what my uncle died of, and he said ‘complications from reality.’ So yeah, it was COVID.”
— Ron White

“At this point, the CDC could’ve labeled ‘Monday’ as a symptom and we’d all be posthumously positive.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“If you died from being crushed under the weight of COVID regulations, guess what? Still counts.”
— Dave Chappelle

“They said I had ‘long COVID’… turned out I was just tired of my kids.”
— Ali Wong

“You could get run over by a Taco Truck, and they’d still blame Delta.”
— Chris Rock

“My dog died in 2021. They asked if he ever coughed. I said, ‘He barked weird once.’ They nodded solemnly. ‘COVID.’”
— Sarah Silverman

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Field Reports from the Frontlines of Overcounting

Dr. Nancy Plaque, Internal Medicine Specialist:
“We were told: if they had COVID, list it. If they didn’t have COVID but were around someone who once bought a COVID test, list it anyway.”

Ted McLung, Ohio Mortuary Director:
“I saw a guy die mid-bowling game. No mask. No symptoms. No fever. But he bowled a 213, so we figured COVID gave him that strike.”

Denise Cradle, Lifelong Hypochondriac:
“I tested positive three times just by standing next to someone watching CNN. Then my Roomba died and they counted that too.”

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Science-ish: The Misclassification Mayhem

Some scientists—those still brave enough to open their laptops—found that 45.3% of alleged COVID deaths were actually caused by things like heart attacks, cancer, and being alive in America.

Data from the Greek study cited in OutKick exposed what many had long suspected: that “COVID-related” might just mean “we gave up figuring it out.”

One epidemiologist, Dr. Hank Forklift, explained:
“It’s like calling every fire ‘lightning-related’ just because it happened during thunderstorm season—even the ones started by arsonists with a grudge against pine trees.”

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Conspiracy Corner: The “Follow the Money” Shuffle

Hospitals received federal compensation for each COVID-labeled death. Which means, yes, Karen—your uncle’s fatal banana peel slip might have subsidized three new ventilators and a Taco Bell in the break room.

In a leaked memo, one hospital administrator was quoted saying,
“If COVID’s the check-writing virus, then we’re about to diagnose the janitor’s mop.”

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Definition Drift: What Counts as a COVID Death?

• Died while watching a COVID documentary? That’s a COVID death.

• Bitten by an alligator that once swam in a lake near a guy who had COVID? Yup. COVID.

• Fell asleep during a Zoom call, never woke up? COVID fatigue.

• Choked on sourdough you baked during lockdown? COVID-induced hubris.

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The Real Tragedy: Trust, Truth, and Traffic

The real pandemic might be the collapse of public trust. When your dog’s haircut is considered “high-risk exposure,” and your HOA fines you for not double-masking your begonias, people stop taking science seriously.

It didn’t help that every update began with, “We are following the science,” which somehow always ended with:
“…so close the playgrounds, let the casinos stay open, and remember to triple-boost your hamster.”

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Conclusion: Can We Reclassify 2020–2022 as a Fever Dream?

So what have we learned? Apparently, dying near a pandemic can kill you just as easily as the virus itself, at least on paper.

But hey, at least we got:

• Designer masks,

• Hand sanitizer cocktails,

• And the knowledge that the CDC would totally ghost us on Tinder.

If nothing else, we now know that in a real crisis, the safest thing to be is statistically ambiguous.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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Cause of Death: Bureaucracy — How COVID Became the Grim Reaper’s PR Rep

The Study That Launched a Thousand “I Told You So”s

ATHENS, GREECE — In a stunning twist that absolutely no one saw coming except for your Uncle Randy who’s been yelling about this since April 2020 from his garage/barber chair combo, a new peer-reviewed study out of Greece confirmed that nearly half of all recorded COVID-19 deaths weren’t actually caused by the virus.

Researchers found that of the 530 “COVID-related” deaths studied, only about 25% were directly due to the virus itself. The rest were a combination of heart attacks, cancer, bike accidents, toaster mishaps, and one man who tragically overdosed on motivational quotes during lockdown.

While the science community grapples with how to explain this without setting off another civil war on Facebook, the media is busy updating its “Apocalypse Font” for graphics.

Dr. Menelaos Kanakis, the study’s lead author, told reporters, “We expected some inflation in the numbers. We didn’t expect to find COVID listed as the cause of death for a man crushed by a vending machine.”

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The COVID Counting Catastrophe

Across the globe, death certificates became less a scientific record and more a Mad Libs game where the blanks were always filled in with “COVID.”

Hospitals, already overwhelmed and incentivized financially to list COVID as a cause, reportedly turned their morgues into improv clubs:

“We lost him during surgery.”
“Was it COVID surgery?”
“No, it was a gallbladder removal.”
“Did he cough in 2019?”
“Possibly.”
“Perfect. COVID-related.”

By mid-2021, a satirical CDC memo (later confirmed real by The Babylon Bee, which has won a Pulitzer for Accidental Journalism) read:

“Due to inconsistencies in cause-of-death data, all deaths shall henceforth be classified as:
A. COVID
B. COVID-adjacent
C. Emotionally impacted by COVID
D. CDC didn’t ask”

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Comedian Surgeons General: What the Funny People Are Saying

“At this point, the CDC could’ve labeled ‘Monday’ as a symptom and we’d all be posthumously positive.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“If you died from being crushed under the weight of COVID regulations, guess what? Still counts.”
— Dave Chappelle

“They said I had ‘long COVID’… turned out I was just tired of my kids.”
— Ali Wong

“My dog died in 2021. They asked if he ever coughed. I said, ‘He barked weird once.’ They nodded solemnly. ‘COVID.’”
— Sarah Silverman

“I asked the doctor what my uncle died of, and he said ‘complications from reality.’ So yeah, it was COVID.”
— Ron White

“You could get run over by a Taco Truck, and they’d still blame Delta.”
— Chris Rock

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15 Funny Ways to Die of Not-COVID

1. Trampoline mishap? COVID.
2. Died in a duel? COVID got between them.
3. Expired milk in 2020? COVID.
4. Shark attack in Florida? Fish tested positive.
5. Accidental electrocution while TikTok dancing? Emotional strain = COVID.
6. Bitten by snake? Snake visited a Wuhan terrarium.
7. Wife threw a cast iron skillet in rage? COVID stressor.
8. Lost in Ikea for 12 days? COVID-induced confusion.
9. Crushed by Bitcoin portfolio? Pandemic investing = COVID.
10. Died mid-pickleball match? Sweaty players, probably a variant.
11. Choked on Popeyes biscuit? CDC: “We’ll allow it.”
12. Run over by CDC van? At least it was on-brand.
13. Read all of Fauci’s emails? Eyes bled. COVID.
14. Fainted during Zoom call? “COVID fatigue.”
15. Bored to death during Fauci’s 19th press conference? Officially: “Comorbid with malaise.”

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The Bureaucracy Behind the Madness

Multiple hospital administrators, speaking anonymously because their pensions depend on it, admitted that guidelines were “confusing at best and profitably vague at worst.”

“Look, if someone died and their cousin once stood next to a CVS testing site, we were told to ‘consider it.’” said one nurse in New Jersey. “Consider what? An arts grant? An Emmy?”

An internal document from the National Institute of Categorical Deaths (NICD) revealed a bonus structure:

• $13,000 for regular admission

• $39,000 for ICU with intubation

• And a free tote bag if you guessed “COVID” without blinking

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How Did This Happen? A Timeline of Absurdity

• March 2020 – First COVID death: a man in Seattle dies during a piano recital. He did have the flu. Close enough.

• April 2020 – Hospitals start testing corpses like it’s a game show.

“Congratulations, your loved one wins a diagnosis!”

• May 2020 – Someone at the CDC uses a Magic 8-Ball for coding deaths.

“Ask again later” becomes the #3 cause of death.

• July 2021 – A raccoon found dead in Central Park is listed as “COVID-suspected.”

• October 2022 – An AI model trained on CNN articles classifies Hamlet as a COVID victim.

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Funeral Homes Speak Out

Several funeral directors across the U.S. said the paperwork had become so absurd that one mortician began stamping death certificates with the words “Definitely COVID, Probably.”

“One guy died in a bull riding accident,” said mortician Bethany Greaves of Odessa, Texas. “We listed ‘extreme rodeo behavior’ but the hospital added ‘COVID exposure’ because someone in the crowd coughed.”

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Families Start Pushing Back

Online forums and support groups like “My Mom Didn’t Die of COVID, Dammit” are springing up, full of stories like:

• “Dad was 97. He ate bacon for 60 years and had two strokes. But sure, it was the virus.”

• “My cousin drowned… in hand sanitizer. Still not COVID.”

• “My aunt passed peacefully while listening to Kenny G. The coroner wrote ‘pandemic grief.’”

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The Stats Don’t Lie… But They Might Be Drunk

Dr. Elana Sturgess, a public health statistician, says the entire system of cause-of-death coding is “built like a cake made of guesswork and Band-Aids.”

“It’s not about lying. It’s about the spaghetti math of overlapping systems. We coded one death as COVID because a positive test was found in the house. That was the cat’s test. I’m not joking.”

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The Real Consequences: Fear, Fatigue, and Fake News

The inflated death counts had consequences beyond the morgue. Lockdowns, school closures, mandatory yoga apps—entire national policies were built on bad arithmetic.

“When you count people who died with COVID the same as those who died from it,” said satirical data analyst Hank Darnell, “you end up with a country that shuts down beaches but leaves strip clubs open ‘for the mental health of essential workers.’”

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And Now… The Great Walkback

Media outlets and officials are now doing what scientists call “retrospective statistical tap dancing.”

The CDC quietly adjusted their death counts in 2022, removing over 72,000 deaths previously labeled COVID. But this happened with the grace of a thief returning a TV in the middle of the night.

When asked for comment, a CDC spokesperson simply sent back a .gif of a shrugging SpongeBob and the words: “It was a confusing time.”

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Conclusion: Will the Last Non-COVID Death Please Turn Off the Lights?

In hindsight, we might look back on 2020–2022 as the years when “cause of death” became less medical and more metaphorical.

But now that the receipts are in and the data’s been cooked longer than a lockdown banana bread, Americans are left wondering:
Did we flatten the curve, or just flatten logic?

Because if sneezing once at a Trader Joe’s in 2021 is retroactively considered fatal, we may need to add one more line to every gravestone:

“Cause of death: Because 2020.”

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Auf Wiedersehen.

This story was written in loving satirical defiance by SpinTaxi Magazine, statistically 127% funnier than The Onion.

“I’m Just Saying”: The Social Apocalypse Triggered by 15 Phrases That Ruined Civilization

The awkward verbal habits that tanked marriages, meetings, and modern manners—one cringe comment at a time.

By Ellis “Mumbler” McGraw — Social Skills Editor Emeritus, SpinTaxi Magazine (Est. 1947)

We live in a society. At least we used to—until it collapsed under the weight of a thousand uncomfortable phrases mumbled over lukewarm coffee and failed Tinder dates. While scientists once feared AI or nuclear war might be our undoing, new research from the prestigious University of People-Who-Make-Everything-Weird has confirmed the real culprit: socially awkward people and the things they say to you at work, weddings, and Walmart.

According to a 2025 study titled “Verbal Flatulence in Modern Interpersonal Contexts,” 73% of all emotional breakdowns are preceded by someone saying “I’m just being honest.” Another 19% begin with, “No offense, but…” followed by something so offensive it requires three therapists and a 10-day silent retreat to undo.

We here at SpinTaxi Magazine have compiled the top 15 most socially disastrous phrases—words that transform mild-mannered humans into conversational dumpster fires. We provide this list not to shame, but to prepare. If you hear one of these in the wild, run. Or better yet, fake a phone call. Say you’ve just been called in to emergency cat surgery. No one questions cat emergencies.

Let’s dive into these weaponized word-bombs.

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“I Know, Right?”

Translation: I haven’t listened to a word you’ve said, but I’d like to sound like I did.

This phrase is the Swiss Army knife of bad listeners. It’s a verbal screensaver. A sound people emit when they want to seem interested while checking their phone under the table.

Dr. Ivy Cringe, a behavioral psychologist from Fresno Community College, notes, “Saying ‘I know, right?’ during a serious conversation is like honking at a funeral.”

Case Study: When a woman at a support group for divorcees shared, “He left me for a pastry chef,” her friend replied, “I know, right?” The group’s silence was broken only by the sound of someone choking on a biscotti.

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“It’s Not My Fault”

Ah yes, the rallying cry of toddlers and tech CEOs alike.

Context: Used to deny any and all responsibility, even in situations where the speaker is literally holding the broken lamp.

Historical Use: First recorded in 1986, when a man named Gerald accidentally ran over his neighbor’s mailbox and claimed it “jumped into the street like a suicidal cast member from Cats.”

Psychologist Brenda No-Chill, author of “Accountability is for Losers,” says this phrase has led to more ghostings than Mercury in retrograde.

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“Whatever”

Short but deadly. Like a conversational drive-by shooting.

Often used to shut down arguments, deflect feelings, or let the world know that someone peaked emotionally during a mid-2000s Avril Lavigne concert.

Sociolinguistic Insight: In 92% of cases, “whatever” is used in place of a full sentence because the speaker has the emotional range of a saltine cracker.

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“I Don’t Care”

Irony Alert: The people who say this often care the most. They’ll say “I don’t care” and then write a Facebook post about it that’s 9 paragraphs long and includes quotes from Buddha and Oprah.

Comedian Observation:
“I told my cousin I didn’t care who she married. Then I blocked her wedding hashtag for six months. That’s the kind of apathy that takes effort.”
—Ron White

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“I’m Just Being Honest”

Weaponized sincerity. Honesty, when offered without a filter, is just cruelty in a cute sweater.

Psychological Impact: Telling your friend, “You look tired and bloated today,” may be “just honesty,” but it’s also a great way to get uninvited from brunch.

A 2024 survey by the National Institute of Honesty Trauma found that 88% of people who “were just being honest” were also “just being slapped.”

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“Sorry, I’m Just Tired”

The multi-purpose excuse for everything from murder to forgetting your anniversary.

Scientific Note: Tired people yawn. They don’t forget your name and eat your lunch out of the fridge at work.

Personal Anecdote: I once told my ex I was “just tired” after ghosting her for two weeks. She said, “Sleep forever, then,” and mailed me a pillow with my own tear stains.

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“I Don’t Need Anyone”

Used By: Self-help addicts, freshly dumped men named Chad, and Instagram poets.

Translation: I absolutely need someone, preferably right now, and I’ll settle for a DoorDash driver who makes eye contact.

Sociologist Terry Clingstein notes this phrase often precedes a 2 a.m. voicemail that begins with “Hey… you up?”

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“That’s Just the Way I Am”

Psychological Loophole used to avoid therapy and basic decency.

If someone says this after chewing with their mouth open or criticizing your life choices, it’s code for, “I’ve been a problem since 4th grade and I refuse to grow.”

Satirical Observation:
“Serial killers could say the same thing. Doesn’t mean we should accept it at brunch.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

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“No Offense, But…”

You know offense is coming. You feel it. It’s like hearing the Jaws theme.

This phrase has preceded statements like:

• “No offense, but your baby looks like a potato.”

• “No offense, but your degree is useless.”

• “No offense, but you should be single forever.”

In legal circles, this phrase is referred to as “Premeditated Rudeness.”

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“I’m Just Saying”

The conversational eject button.

Usually follows a comment that would start a fight in any decent bar.
Ex: “You’ve gained weight since college. I’m just saying.”

Social Science Note: A 2022 peer-reviewed journal called this phrase “the verbal equivalent of a hit-and-run.”

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“Calm Down”

Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down after being told to calm down.

This phrase is now banned in 14 countries and all brunches where mimosas are served.

Cultural Example: When Jan from HR told her coworker to calm down after being passed over for promotion, Jan’s tires were calmly slashed in alphabetical order.

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“You Look Tired”

A compliment disguised as a tranquilizer dart.

Actual Meaning: “You look like you were dragged through a hedge by life and then rolled in existential despair.”

Survey Says: 93% of recipients report an immediate desire to cry or apply concealer. Sometimes both.

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“It’s Just a Joke”

Ah, comedy. The final refuge of people who were never funny.

Common Usage: After an offensive or dumb comment bombs in a group setting.
Ex: “Your mom’s cooking tastes like hospital food. Just a joke!”

Statistical Fact: 71% of “just jokes” are followed by uncomfortable silence and regret.

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“I’m Not Like Other People”

Spoiler: They are.

This phrase is often followed by a personality so generic it could be sold at IKEA.

Case Study: A man once whispered this to a woman at a book club. He later confessed he doesn’t read, but he owns a Kindle “for aesthetics.”

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“I Was Just Trying to Help”

A noble sentiment, if only it weren’t offered right after ruining everything.

Examples include:

• “I fixed your résumé, now it says you’re fluent in Latin.”

• “I told your mom you’re gay because I thought she knew.”

• “I deleted all your exes from your phone—you’re welcome!”

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The Scientific Toll: Diagnosing “Phrase-Induced Social Erosion”

According to fake research from the Department of Awkward Dynamics at SpinTaxi University, repeated exposure to these phrases can cause:

• Resting Flinch Face

• Empathy Withdrawal Syndrome

• Chronic Ghosting

• Memory Loss of Birthdays

Dr. Lenny Vague, chair of Modern Etiquette Studies, explains: “When you hear these phrases five times in a week, your social nervous system collapses like a Jenga tower in a preschool.”

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The Workplace Crisis

HR departments have reported a 400% increase in interpersonal email wars beginning with some variant of “No offense, but…” followed by suggestions like “maybe you should lead fewer meetings” or “have you tried deodorant?”

One anonymous HR rep revealed, “The phrase ‘I’m just being honest’ is now a fireable offense. Last guy used it to explain why he refused to sign Susan’s birthday card. We had to evacuate.”

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Relationships in Ruin

Couples therapists are tired. Very tired.

Therapist Angie “Why Do I Bother” Rosenblatt told SpinTaxi:
“These phrases are napalm to intimacy. If I hear ‘whatever’ one more time during couples’ therapy, I’m prescribing helmets.”

One couple’s marriage nearly imploded over the phrase “you look tired” before their anniversary dinner. The husband tried to recover with, “I meant like, beautifully exhausted.” He now lives in a hammock behind a Denny’s.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“My ex said ‘I don’t need anyone.’ I said, ‘Perfect, because I’m leaving and I took the Wi-Fi with me.’”
—Ali Wong

“Every guy who says, ‘I’m just being honest,’ also says ‘I’m a nice guy’—and then throws your cat off the balcony.”
—Sarah Silverman

“‘Calm down’ is the phrase you use when you’re done being alive.”
—Bill Burr

“You look tired? Thanks. You look like a hotel carpet and no one says anything.”
—Tig Notaro

“If you ever say ‘I’m not like other people,’ just know… other people are relieved.”
—Trevor Noah

“‘It’s just a joke’ is something you say after ruining Thanksgiving.”
—Dave Chappelle

---

A Better Way Forward?

Public service campaigns are now urging people to replace these phrases with healthier alternatives, such as:

• Instead of “Whatever,” try: “I’d like to revisit this after therapy.”

• Instead of “No offense, but…,” try: Nothing. Say literally nothing.

• Instead of “You look tired,” try: “You exist, and that is enough.”

The phrase “I’m just being honest” should be followed by an honesty license. No license? You get tased with empathy.

---

Final Thoughts: Can We Ever Trust Language Again?

Maybe. But only if we retire these phrases to the same dusty vault where we keep “YOLO,” “on fleek,” and those inspirational Instagram captions written by people who peaked in middle school.

Until then, remember: If you’re about to say “I don’t care,” maybe you should—just a little.

Auf Wiedersehen.

---

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“I’m Just Being Honest”: The Phrases That Are Quietly Ruining Civilization

How 15 common expressions became the nuclear option of social interaction

By Ellis “Mumbler” McGraw
SpinTaxi Magazine | Serving Satirical Truth Since 1947

If society collapses tomorrow, historians will blame climate change, AI, or that guy who microwaved fish in the office again. But the truth is more insidious. It’s not the bombs or bots. It’s Brenda in Accounting saying, “No offense, but…” one too many times.

According to a confidential report from the Department of Social Decay, the most dangerous weapons of mass destruction aren’t guns or viruses—they’re phrases. Harmless-sounding words that, when delivered in the wild, leave behind scorched relationships, haunted dinner parties, and emotionally unstable Zoom meetings.

We’ve consulted fake experts, real therapists, burned-out baristas, and several thousand group chat transcripts to bring you this definitive breakdown of the 15 most socially destructive things people say without realizing they’re causing emotional Chernobyl.

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The Verbal Wrecking Balls: A Field Guide

“I Know, Right?”

The phrase of passive listeners and emotional benchwarmers.

Let’s be honest: “I know, right?” is just mouth static. It’s a placeholder uttered when you’ve completely checked out of a conversation but still want credit for participation.

Case Example: A woman confesses, “I think my husband is cheating on me with my sister.” Her friend responds, “I know, right?” Congratulations, you’ve been replaced by a decorative lamp.

Psychologist Dr. Ivy Cringe warns, “Excessive use of ‘I know, right?’ may cause people to forget you exist, emotionally and legally.”

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“It’s Not My Fault”

The gold medal excuse of emotional toddlers in adult bodies.

Used by everyone from toddlers to Tesla engineers. You could be holding the knife, surrounded by witnesses, and somehow still utter, “It’s not my fault.”

Famous Instance: The 2023 Tahoe Grill Fire. A man dropped a lit sparkler into a fryer and said, “It’s not my fault—I thought it was waterproof.”

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“Whatever”

Two syllables. Infinite damage.

“Whatever” is the official phrase of people who want to end the conversation faster than their data plan. It’s not a response—it’s a conversational slam door.

Linguist Summary:
“Whatever” is what people say when they want to seem chill but are actually one syllable away from a full-blown silent treatment.

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“I Don’t Care”

The lie we scream with our whole hearts.

Irony’s favorite child. People who say “I don’t care” often do so through gritted teeth, clenched fists, and a freshly typed Facebook post at 2 a.m.

Expert Insight: A 2024 poll revealed 89% of “I don’t care” statements are followed by a breakdown in the dairy aisle or a passive-aggressive playlist.

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“I’m Just Being Honest”

The napalm of interpersonal communication.

Honesty is a virtue. “I’m just being honest,” however, is honesty’s evil twin—weaponized truth with no anesthesia.

Social Fallout: “You look like someone who gave up on their dreams in 2007,” might technically be honest, but saying it to your coworker before lunch is legally regrettable.

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“Sorry, I’m Just Tired”

Used by 100% of emotionally unavailable people.

This phrase is a Swiss Army excuse—versatile, vague, and completely unverifiable. It covers everything from forgetting your anniversary to keying your neighbor’s car.

Comedian Truth Bomb:
“I’m not saying I was too tired to text back. I’m saying I had enough energy to scroll Instagram for four hours, just not for you.”
—Ali Wong

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“I Don’t Need Anyone”

Spoiler alert: Yes, you do. You need at least Wi-Fi and a ride.

Often muttered dramatically after a breakup, a fired DoorDash driver, or two glasses of Pinot Grigio.

Clinical Translation: “I don’t need anyone” means “Please text me before I start befriending Alexa.”

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“That’s Just the Way I Am”

A phrase proudly displayed in the Museum of Avoiding Accountability.

Self-awareness is growth. “That’s just the way I am” is the verbal shrug of someone who peak-evolved in high school and never looked back.

Observed Usage: Often paired with eating loudly in quiet rooms, wearing cologne to the gym, or voting exclusively based on zodiac signs.

---

“No Offense, But…”

Warning: Offense imminently inbound.

This phrase is like starting a sentence with “Not to stab you, but here’s this knife…”

Observed In the Wild:
“No offense, but your baby looks like a turnip.”
“No offense, but you peaked in undergrad.”
“No offense, but your dog seems emotionally distant.”

Psychological Fact: Saying “No offense, but…” before an insult does not make it less insulting. It’s like whispering “forgiveness” before slapping someone.

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“I’m Just Saying”

Perfect for when you want plausible deniability after verbal arson.

This phrase is the conversational escape hatch for someone who knows they’ve just said something wildly inappropriate but still wants to attend brunch.

Historic Example:
“I mean, maybe she deserved it. I’m just saying.”
This was heard moments before a margarita was thrown across a Chili’s.

---

“Calm Down”

The universal “screw you.”

There is no known instance in recorded history of someone calming down after being told to “calm down.”

Therapist Note: This phrase is currently banned in 19 states and all couples counseling sessions featuring scented candles.

---

“You Look Tired”

Translation: You look like a before photo.

Nothing quite says “I love you” like telling someone they look like roadkill wrapped in anxiety.

Survey Result: 93% of recipients prefer to be called “disheveled swamp hag” than hear “You look tired” from a colleague before 9 a.m.

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“It’s Just a Joke”

A classic phrase used by people who are definitely not joking.

Used most often after saying something bigoted, cruel, or wildly unfunny. Usually followed by a sulking rant about “cancel culture.”

Satirical Observation:
“If you have to explain that it’s a joke, you’re either bombing or you’re the CEO of a startup comedy cult.”
—Trevor Noah

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“I’m Not Like Other People”

Said by people who are exactly like other people.

Every person who says this owns a leather-bound journal and hasn’t finished a single page. It’s quirky posturing with a beige soul.

Common Follow-Up: “I like rainy days and deep conversations.” Congratulations, you just described everyone who reads Instagram poetry in a hoodie.

---

“I Was Just Trying to Help”

The final words before a friendship ends.

Almost always said after rearranging someone’s pantry, texting their ex, or forwarding them unsolicited crypto advice.

Personal Story: I once told my roommate’s girlfriend she should “probably start moisturizing.” I was “just trying to help.” She was “just trying to hit me with a cactus.”

---

Satirical Science: The Psychology of Phrase Fatigue

A fake but spiritually accurate study from the SpinTaxi Center for Social Miscommunication reveals that repeated exposure to these phrases causes:

• Shrinking empathy lobes

• Phantom eye-roll syndrome

• Social paranoia

• An urge to delete group chats at 2 a.m.

Lead researcher Dr. Sharla Bluntly concluded, “These phrases operate like emotional sandpaper. Harmless in isolation. Devastating when repeated by Karen during every potluck since 2018.”

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“‘No offense, but’ is like lighting a match and saying ‘I just wanted ambiance.’”
—Bill Burr

“Every time I hear ‘I’m just saying,’ I assume I’m about to get roasted for something my mom did in 1997.”
—Sarah Silverman

“‘You look tired’ is how my dog tells me I need concealer. And he’s blind.”
—Chris Rock

“I told a guy I liked him and he said, ‘That’s just the way I am.’ Sir, you’re a pancake with Wi-Fi.”
—Tig Notaro

“‘Calm down’ is what men say right before women set their lives on fire—with grace.”
—Ali Wong

“I’m not like other people? Yeah, you’re more like a PDF that won’t open.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

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The Workplace Fallout

HR departments nationwide have formed trauma support groups for staff exposed to “I’m just being honest” during annual reviews.

Recent Memo:
“We value transparency, but if Steve says ‘You look tired’ one more time, we will retaliate using only Microsoft Teams emojis.”

---

A Modest Proposal: Phrase Control Laws

We propose the following legislative reforms:

• A five-day cooling-off period before anyone says “Calm down.”

• Mandatory licensing for honesty.

• “No offense, but…” now legally counts as pre-meditated sass.

• Saying “You look tired” must be followed by a Starbucks gift card.

---

Closing Argument: Retire These Phrases Like That One Uncle

These phrases, while seemingly innocent, have caused more damage to social life than pineapple on pizza. They’re not communication—they’re conversational malware.

We recommend replacing them with:

• “Tell me more.”

• “How can I support you?”

• Or just… silence. Blessed, merciful silence.

Because sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say… is nothing.

Auf Wiedersehen.

“Password1234”: How Tulsi Gabbard’s Login Habits Nearly Triggered a Hawaiian Missile Crisis 2.0

The National Security Threat of Reusing Your Ex-Boyfriend’s Name As a Password

When “Aloha” Meets “Access Denied”

In a shocking exposé that shook no one except the IT guy named Carl, The Daily Beast revealed that Tulsi Gabbard—a congresswoman, veteran, spiritual warrior, and occasional surfer—had apparently been using passwords that could be cracked by a caffeinated squirrel with an iPhone 4. According to leaked reports, her online security strategy was a combination of horoscope advice, yoga poses, and pure vibes. And yet, somehow, the nation remained standing.

So we ask the vital question: What happens when the nuclear codes are one password reset question away from “What was your first pet’s name?”

“She thought two-factor authentication meant having a backup horoscope.” — Ron White

Let’s dive into the browser history of this satirical scandal.

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“Tulsi2020!” Isn’t Just a Campaign Slogan, It’s Also Her Netflix Password

Gabbard’s Surfboard Contains More Encryption Than Her Laptop

Tulsi Gabbard ran for president in 2020. Apparently, she also ran out of original password ideas in the same year.

According to a cybersecurity leak no one asked for, Gabbard used “Tulsi2020!” across at least seven platforms—including MyFitnessPal, Dropbox, LinkedIn, and a suspicious site called “WarriorMonkDating.com.” What’s worse? She added the exclamation point thinking it was military-grade encryption.

“It’s like putting a sticker over a webcam and calling it cybersecurity,” said retired NSA analyst and part-time laser tag champion Ron Skelton.

---

The Yoga of Password Management: Sun Salutations and Synced Devices

Sources close to Gabbard say she once attended a cybersecurity retreat in Maui, where instead of encryption, participants were taught to breathe deeply while entering their debit card numbers into public Wi-Fi.

She later described it as “a transformative experience where I learned to align my chakras and my bank logins.”

One witness described Gabbard’s “password flow” routine:

• First, she logs in with “namaste123”

• Then does downward dog while waiting for two-factor authentication

• And finally logs out by whispering “Aloha” to the server

---

The Cybercrime Wave: Russian Hackers, Meet “Password1234”

By 2017, her accounts were part of a larger leak that included over 3 billion records. Her contribution to this vast archive of human carelessness?

• Password: Tulsi123

• Backup Password: Password1234

• Security Question: “What’s your favorite color?” Answer: “YES”

“It’s the cybersecurity equivalent of leaving your keys in your car with a note that says ‘Steal me, but with love,’” explained digital security expert Cliff “BitByte” Hernandez.

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Gmail, Glam, and Glitches: Tulsi’s Digital Footprint is Wearing Flip-Flops

Among the compromised accounts was her Gmail, which—according to leaked metadata—was 70% promotional emails, 20% requests to appear on obscure podcasts, and 10% fan mail written entirely in binary.

One intern who sorted through the compromised messages said:
“There were multiple drafts of her resignation letter, all saved as ‘resignation_final_FINAL_FOR_REAL.docx’”

---

Exclusive: Her Two-Factor Authentication Was a Friendship Bracelet

Tech insiders were horrified to discover Tulsi’s idea of 2FA wasn’t a confirmation code—it was “texting her cousin Jaya to see if it was really her logging in.”

On multiple occasions, hackers were stopped not by firewalls but by confusion when Jaya replied, “Is this for the yoga class or the kombucha group chat?”

“Her defense strategy relied heavily on poor communication,” one cybersecurity consultant laughed while installing malware protection for his mom.

---

Even Her iCloud Had a Tan

A trove of iCloud data included:

• 400 nearly identical selfies from the Senate gym

• A playlist titled “Legislative Bangers”

• Several videos of her dog doing warrior poses next to a salt lamp

According to unverified rumors, a hacker group named “404Bros” tried to ransom the data, but after seeing the contents, sent a formal apology and a $15 iTunes gift card.

---

LinkedIn Recommendations Written by… Herself

One of the strangest discoveries in the leak? Tulsi had endorsed herself on LinkedIn for:

• Strategic Visioning

• Yogic Thought Leadership

• Military Telepathy

• Surf Diplomacy

“That’s not even a real thing,” said career coach Sheila Plonk.
“But I’d still hire her for the vibe.”

---

Ancestral Passwords and a Trail of Spiritual Cookies

Insiders say Gabbard once consulted her past-life regression therapist for password inspiration. She emerged from the session convinced her soul password was “CleopatraLives9.”

She later told “Stars & Data Protection Weekly”:
“We must be as secure in our online lives as we are in our truth. Unless Mercury is in retrograde, then all bets are off.”

---

“Don’t Blame Me, I’m a Vet” Becomes New Security Phrase

Tulsi’s go-to deflection when asked about her weak passwords?
“I served this country, dammit. Let me have one unencrypted yoga blog.”

Critics note this is the digital equivalent of a politician speeding through a red light and shouting, “I was in ‘The Amazing Race: Congress Edition’—I know what I’m doing.”

---

Eye Witness Account: Hacker Testimony from His Mom’s Basement

One teenage hacker who cracked her Dropbox said:
“Honestly, I was trying to hack Roblox. But when I typed ‘Tulsi’ and ‘123,’ I accidentally got her Whole Foods receipts and a bunch of PDFs labeled ‘The Real Truth.’”

He has since retired and now teaches online safety at a community center in Delaware.

---

The FBI’s Official Response: “We’re Too Tired for This”

An internal memo from the Bureau reportedly read:

“We spent three weeks untangling this woman’s security habits. At one point, she used a Haiku as her encryption key.”

Her defense?
“Syllables are the safest language.”

---

Political Repercussions: Senators Now Forced to Change “Obama2024” to “Obama2025?”

Following the leak, Congress issued new password requirements:

• No campaign slogans

• No personal affirmations

• No references to enlightenment

As one Republican aide lamented:
“Guess I’ll have to change ‘ReaganLives’ to ‘TaxCutz4Life!’”

---

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Tulsi’s passwords were so bad, even her spirit animal logged out.”
— Sarah Silverman

“Hackers were like, ‘We don’t want her emails. We just want her to stop using ‘Namaste69.’”
— Dave Chappelle

“Her Dropbox was 90% surfboard selfies and 10% blurry screenshots of UFOs.”
— Trevor Noah

“I haven’t seen this many security holes since my grandma’s knitting project.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“At this point, she’s just daring China to log in.”
— Chris Rock

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Her Yoga App is Still Logged In on Eight Public Devices

Eyewitnesses at a Honolulu smoothie bar confirmed they could still access Tulsi’s meditation schedule, her list of mantras, and a half-written memoir titled “Shiva, Surfing & Senate Committees.”

“She’s logged in on the juicer,” one barista sighed.
“We know when she’s late to Pilates. The blender just starts chanting.”

---

Final Thoughts: It’s Not Just About Tulsi—It’s About Us

Let’s not throw our encryption stones from glass iPhones. Who among us hasn’t:

• Reused a password from 8th grade?

• Used their dog’s name and added “123”?

• Logged into Wi-Fi named “FBI Surveillance Van”?

Tulsi’s mistakes are a national metaphor: We all want to be free spirits until someone hacks our Hulu queue.

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Public Opinion Poll: What Do Voters Think?

Conducted by Spintaxi Institute for Hilarious Policy Studies
“Which of the following would make a stronger password than Tulsi’s current one?”

• “MyExSucks42” – 37%

• “!@$%&” – 22%

• “IamTheRealPOTUS” – 18%

• “Password1234ButWithVibes” – 13%

• “HunterBidenLaptop2025” – 10%

---

Actionable Advice: From SpinTaxi’s Chief Tech Guru, Bleepy VonFirewall

1. Never reuse passwords. Even if they contain the word “chakra.”
2. Don’t rely on your cousin for 2FA unless she’s a Navy SEAL or works at Apple.
3. Your ex’s nickname is not secure just because you added a symbol.
4. Enlightenment is not a firewall.
5. If your password is a pun, you’ve already been hacked.

---

Conclusion: What Have We Learned?

We’ve learned that no matter how confident, intelligent, or mystically inclined you are, the moment you type “Tulsi2020!” into seven websites, you are officially the cybersecurity version of wearing socks with sandals.

But in a world where digital threats grow daily, Tulsi’s spiritual approach to password management is a gentle reminder:
The only thing worse than hackers… is hubris.

And now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to go change our Netflix login from “SpinTaxiRocks69.”

---

Satirical Sources:

Senator Accidentally Uses Dog’s Name as Nuclear Code
Congressional Cybersecurity Training Now Includes Deep Breathing and Essential Oils
Hackers Demand Tulsi Return Their Time After Reading Her Emails
National Security Council Adds “Vibes Check” to Daily Threat Reports
Tulsi Gabbard Named Honorary IT Disaster of the Month by the Geek Squad

---

Auf Wiedersehen! Want the VPN password? Ask Tulsi—it’s probably still “Mahalo123.”

Woman’s MRI Scan: The Butt Plug That Tried to Escape During an MRI Scan

FDA Demands ‘Truth in Toys’ After Metal Detected Where Sun Don’t Shine

By Velvet C. Tesla, SpinTaxi’s Senior Medical Magnetism Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what experts are calling “the most erotically charged emergency since the invention of the vibrating toothbrush,” an unnamed woman’s MRI scan at a local clinic turned into a magnetic nightmare after her unassuming companion — a supposedly “100% silicone” butt plug — revealed its metallic soul at exactly the wrong time.

Eyewitnesses describe the event as part Grey’s Anatomy, part Looney Tunes, and entirely unforgettable.

“It was like the MRI tried to repossess her sins,” said radiology intern Mitch Flanders, still nursing psychological trauma. “We’ve seen people forget piercings, but this… this was tactical rear warfare.”

Welcome to America, where medical imaging is just foreplay to federal investigation, and where nobody can hear your butt plug scream.

---

What Exactly Happened?

MRI Tech Suffers PTSD After Rectal Launch Event

According to medical reports leaked by a janitor who moonlights as a TikTok astrologer, the woman entered the MRI suite for a routine abdominal scan. She signed the “no metal on or in your person” form with the confidence of a seasoned TSA dodger.

But as the magnets spun and the humming began, the woman’s butt plug — alleged to be a sleek silicone model named “The Ambassador” — performed a maneuver not seen since Elon Musk’s last rocket test.

“It shot north,” said a nurse who requested anonymity. “Magnetically north. That’s not even a direction in anatomy.”

---

Forensic Physiology: A Field Day

An investigative team of physicists, gastroenterologists, and two confused poets from a nearby open mic night gathered to analyze what went wrong. Preliminary findings suggest the plug contained a neodymium core — the kind of magnetic metal you’d usually find in hard drives, headphone speakers, and regrettable DIY hoverboard projects.

Dr. Angela Torquefield, chief of Magnetic Mishap Review at Johns Hopkins, explained:

“MRI machines create a magnetic field strong enough to realign hydrogen atoms. When you introduce a rogue object forged in the fires of Mordor — or China’s novelty factories — chaos ensues.”

Indeed, MRI suites are designed to scan human anatomy, not detect tiny insurgent satellites in your rectum.

---

The Marketing Problem: “100% Silicone” My Asterisk

The object in question, sold on Amazon by a seller named “YeehawPlezurez99,” was labeled as “100% silicone, hypoallergenic, dishwasher safe, and perfect for beginners or advanced users of rear-based enlightenment.”

But further inspection of the item’s fine print (accessible only by microscope and legal subpoena) revealed the clause:

“May contain trace elements of metal, destiny, and moral ambiguity.”

This caveat, tucked between decorative emoji and discount codes for nipple clamps, didn’t reach the FDA’s required transparency standard, nor humanity’s basic decency threshold.

---

The Patient Speaks (Sort Of)

TikTok Challenge: Can Your Plug Survive an MRI?

In a statement released through her attorney — an Ivy League-educated man named Dante Lovewell, Esq. who also represents three TikTok witches and a haunted blender — the woman stated:

“I had no idea there was metal inside me. I trusted the label. And frankly, if you can’t trust YeehawPlezurez99, who can you trust in America?”

The woman is currently considering a lawsuit against Amazon, the butt plug manufacturer, the hospital, the laws of electromagnetism, and possibly Nikola Tesla posthumously.

---

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I didn’t know my ex-wife was working at Amazon’s fulfillment center. That kind of deception takes practice.”
— Ron White

“She went in for a scan and came out with a new zodiac sign: Metallic Rising.”
— Ali Wong

“The plug wanted freedom. And like most of us, it tried to go through the colon first.”
— Ricky Gervais

“This is what happens when you mix medical imaging with BDSM: Butts Doing Spontaneous Migration.”
— Trevor Noah

“The next time I hear someone say, ‘Stick it where the sun don’t shine,’ I’m asking about the metallic content first.”
— Bill Burr

---

The MRI Tech’s Side of the Story

We caught up with the MRI technician, 26-year-old Vanessa Mirth, currently on leave and seeking therapy involving anti-magnetism affirmations.

“I asked if she had metal in or on her body. She said, ‘Nope, just vibes.’ Then twenty seconds later, the machine sounded like it was giving birth to a xylophone. That thing rattled through her like it was racing to an Apple Genius Bar.”

Vanessa’s trauma is so deep that she now flinches when someone opens a fridge magnet pack.

---

History of Magnetic Injustice

This isn’t the first time sex toys and MRIs have collided.

• In 2017, a man in Toronto entered an MRI with what he called “a prostate mood ring,” which triggered a fire alarm and accidentally called his ex-wife.

• In 2021, a couple in Tokyo forgot to remove their mutual chastity belt before a scan, resulting in an accidental engagement ceremony at 6 Tesla.

Clearly, we live in a world where personal pleasure devices have become ticking time bombs when exposed to magnets, microwaves, or Catholicism.

---

The Lawsuit: United States v. Magneto’s Mistress

The legal implications are enormous. Several lawmakers have expressed interest in regulating “butt-based ferromagnetic devices,” with Senator Lindsey Graham warning:

“We can’t have rogue plugs sabotaging our healthcare system. That’s what China wants.”

Meanwhile, a class-action suit is forming against novelty item manufacturers who use the phrase “100% silicone” like it’s a birthright, rather than a scientific standard.

---

Cultural Fallout: Twitter Reacts

@ButtPhysicsDaily: “We warned y’all about magnetic colon drift in 2018. Stay safe. #PluggedAndPerilous”

@NPRButFunny: “A woman walked into an MRI with a mystery. She left with a missile. Full story at 9.”

@FlatEarthButMakeItSpicy: “Proof that the Earth is round: that plug curved.”

---

Scientific Analysis (From Dr. Kevin Blurt, Buttstuff Physicist)

“People forget that ferromagnetic materials want to move in magnetic fields. They are eager. Passionate, even. The moment that machine started humming, that butt plug made a decision: I must ascend.”

According to Dr. Blurt, the G-force exerted on the plug likely rivaled the velocity of an NFL football during a field goal. The problem is, the human colon is not a football field. It is a cul-de-sac, and things are not meant to rocket through it uninvited.

---

Polls Show Americans Divided

A SpinTaxi.com poll of 5,000 Americans (conducted in front of a Spencer’s Gifts and two Arby’s) revealed the following:

• 62% believe MRI warnings should now include “Are you currently storing a science experiment in your butt?”

• 18% blamed the woman for “not reading the vibe chart”

• 12% said, “I’m just here for the comments”

• 8% submitted their own plug brand for medical testing

Meanwhile, German citizens unanimously replied, “Ja, but why not just use wood like we do?”

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International Reactions

France: “This is why we do not mix medicine with pleasure — unless it involves wine.”

Japan: “An anime adaptation is already in production. Title: Rear Magnetron: Escape from Within.”

Russia: “Our MRI machines remove entire sins. America is weak.”

---

Hospital’s New Policies

In response to the incident, the hospital has introduced a new intake form with the following added questions:

• “Are you currently harboring novelty items in your body?”

• “Do any of your organs double as wireless charging docks?”

• “Are you wearing a fitness tracker internally?”

They’ve also posted large signs reading: “IF YOU BOUGHT IT FROM ETSY, TELL US NOW.”

---

The New Age Wellness Community Reacts

Several “buttfluenceurs” — social media personalities dedicated to holistic booty health — took to Instagram to express concern and capitalize on the virality.

@HealingHolez posted a sponsored reel titled “Detox Your Chakras with Non-Magnetic Probes (FDA-ish Approved).”

Meanwhile, Goop issued a clarification that none of its rear insertables are MRI-compatible and recommended “auric shielding” before scans.

---

Final Thoughts from SpinTaxi Magazine (Since 1947)

The MRI scandal has ignited debates around product labeling, medical transparency, and the deep mysteries of pleasure-meets-science. More importantly, it’s taught us one crucial thing: Silicone lies.

At SpinTaxi, where satire meets skepticism, we stand firm in our belief that if your sex toy has any chance of navigating toward your pancreas during a magnetic field, it does not belong in the “Beginner” category.

Until then, we encourage consumers to:

• Read labels thoroughly.

• Disclose everything to medical professionals, even if it involves hand puppets.

• Never assume your body is a Swiss Army knife that can withstand tungsten-level experimentation.

Auf Wiedersehen, and may your rear adventures remain magnet-free.

---

Sources:

• Woman’s Butt Plug Declares Asylum During MRI, Flies Northbound

• MRI Tech Suffers PTSD After Rectal Launch Event

• FDA Demands ‘Truth in Toys’ After Metal Detected Where Sun Don’t Shine

• New Public Service Campaign: “Know Your Plug’s Core”

• Amazon Sued by Rear-End Victim, Trial Held in a Giant Magnet

• TikTok Challenge: Can Your Plug Survive an MRI?

• China Accused of Infiltrating America’s Anuses with Magnetic Spy Probes

Hollywood’s Trump Turn: The Sequel No One Greenlit, But Everyone’s Watching

LOS ANGELES — The biggest plot twist in American cinematic history didn’t come from a Marvel multiverse, a Tarantino finale, or even a Christopher Nolan mindbender. It came, instead, from something even more implausible: Hollywood’s sudden, glitzy, Botox-tight embrace of Donald J. Trump.

That’s right—after decades of self-righteous monologues, tearful late-night virtue signaling, and fundraisers held by actors who once couldn’t define “economics” without a dialect coach, Tinseltown has done a political 180 that would make even Fast & Furious stunt coordinators blush.

From Chrissy Teigen lighting candles for impeachment to her lighting cigars in Trump Tower’s VIP suite—America asks, “What the hell happened?”

A Red Carpet Dipped in Red States

At this year’s Golden Globes, the gift bags included MyPillow vouchers, Truth Social premium accounts, and coupons for Chick-fil-A’s spicy deluxe meal (no pickles, for liberty). Attendees were greeted not by E! News hosts, but Steve Bannon and Kid Rock tag-teaming interviews in front of a 40-foot American flag and a modest 12-foot statue of Trump shirtless on a tank.

The shift was so sudden, Vanity Fair declared it “a reverse cultural pandemic.” The infection vector? A mysterious TikTok trend titled #HotDictatorEnergy where Gen Z influencers rated authoritarians like they were Bachelor contestants. Trump won by a landslide, thanks in part to one post comparing him to “if Elvis had a Twitter addiction and never learned humility.”

Jon Voight Ascends to Supreme Chancellor of SAG-AFTRA

Leading the celebrity MAGAfication effort is Jon Voight, Hollywood’s appointed Minister of Right-Wing Culture. In his most recent speech (delivered from the back of a golden Rolls Royce in a Chick-fil-A drive-thru), Voight called Trump “a divine fusion of George Washington, Rambo, and a Vegas card counter.”

“I was there when Brando refused the Oscar,” Voight declared to a mostly disinterested group of Tesla-charging tourists. “But now, I’d give Trump every Oscar. Best Picture, Best Actor, even Best Animated Short for that time he called Rosie O’Donnell a pig. Poetic cinema.”

Voight has been joined by once-unwilling conservatives like Matthew McConaughey, who recently said, “Alright, alright, alright… I’ve seen the tax breaks. I’m in.” He is rumored to be playing Steve Bannon in an upcoming Hulu biopic titled The Bannon of Venice Beach.

“Woke” Is Broke, Baby

Studio heads have started cutting ties with wokeness the way Disney cut ties with originality. “Listen,” said one Paramount exec under anonymity, “I greenlit five ‘female pirate CEO’ movies and a ‘non-binary talking toaster’ sitcom. No one watched. Now we just show Trump rallies with dramatic lighting and call it ‘cinema vérité.’”

Focus Features is already in post-production on Barron: First Son of Steel, a dystopian action thriller starring Barron Trump as a genetically modified half-human who saves America from vegan communism.

Producers say it’s “like The Hunger Games, but with more testosterone and less crying.”

Actors Flipping Faster Than IHOP Pancakes

A-listers are flipping their political alignments with such velocity, physicists at Caltech believe this may be the first time Hollywood has bent the space-time continuum outside a Marvel movie.

Jennifer Lawrence, once a darling of progressive causes, now calls Trump “a misunderstood daddy bear with trade policy swagger.” She’s joined a new improv troupe called “Alt-Right Angle,” which will debut a musical at the Kennedy Center titled Grab ‘Em by the Patriarchy.

Meanwhile, Leonardo DiCaprio, when asked how he reconciles his previous environmental activism with Trump’s love of coal, shrugged and said, “I still fly private jets, bro. I’m consistent.”

The Oscars Just Rebranded as the ‘Trumpys’

Next year’s Academy Awards have officially been renamed “The Trumpys,” and the statue is being replaced with a tiny figurine of Trump pointing at a CNN reporter. Categories now include:

• Best Use of an Executive Order in a Supporting Role

• Most Patriotic Monologue in a Musical or News Conference

• Outstanding Performance in Denying Climate Change While Owning a Beach House

Sources close to the Academy say the In Memoriam segment will now feature jobs lost to socialism.

Tarantino’s Final Film: “Inglourious MAGA”

Quentin Tarantino, never one to miss a trend, announced that his tenth and final film will be a revenge fantasy set in an alternate 2028 where Trump personally leads a squad of ex-actors to liberate California from progressive technocrats. Working title: Inglourious MAGA.

“I’ve always loved violence and irony,” Tarantino told Variety. “This movie lets me combine both with executive orders, cameo appearances from Elon Musk, and at least one scene where Greta Thunberg gets tackled into a pile of coal.”

The Scientology Wing Endorses Trump

In the most confusing twist since Tenet, the Church of Scientology held a rally on Sunset Boulevard, declaring Trump the “Supreme Galactic Thetan” and inviting him to audit Tom Cruise. A spokesperson for Cruise stated, “He’s always wanted to work with Trump. They both do their own stunts and believe in alternate realities.”

Even John Travolta is on board. “Trump reminds me of my role in Battlefield Earth,” Travolta said while ordering a well-done steak. “A misunderstood alien in a hostile world.”

The Emmys Now Feature a Fox News Category

The Television Academy recently added new categories, including “Best Performance in a Tucker Carlson Monologue” and “Outstanding Editing of a Deep State Conspiracy.”

Rachel Maddow was seen sobbing in the lobby as Tucker accepted his lifetime achievement award by simply saying, “You’re welcome, libtards.”

Netflix Signs Trump for a Three-Series Deal

Netflix, which previously declined to work with Trump citing “values,” has signed him to a $100 million deal. Series titles include:

• The Apprentice: Deep State Edition

• MAGA: Love Is Real (a dating show set at CPAC)

• Woke Island, a reality show where progressive influencers are marooned on an island with only Dr. Ben Carson and a copy of The Art of the Deal

Netflix stock jumped 6%, and critics are calling it “the best political sci-fi comedy since House of Cards, but with fewer murders and more tax cuts.”

Even Marvel Caved

Kevin Feige confirmed that the next phase of the MCU will introduce “Patriot Prime,” a Trump-inspired superhero who shoots tariffs from his hands and speaks only in slogans. Scarlett Johansson will return as a reformed liberal spy trying to decode Trump tweets for national security.

The teaser ends with Trump punching climate change in the face and saying, “I make hurricanes great again.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Hollywood loving Trump is like a vegan falling in love with a bacon-wrapped steak.”
— Ron White

“It’s like the entire industry forgot the last six years and decided, ‘You know what? Maybe the Access Hollywood tape was just locker room improv.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“I knew Hollywood was fake, but even I didn’t expect them to CGI their own morals.”
— Sarah Silverman

“We used to cancel people for saying they liked Trump. Now we cancel them for not liking his golf swing.”
— Ricky Gervais

“He’s got more cameos than The Rock now. I think he’s unionized.”
— Bill Burr

“I auditioned for a role where I play Trump’s conscience. It’s just 90 minutes of silence.”
— Trevor Noah

“At this point, I’m waiting for Disney to open a TrumpLand. It’s like Frontierland, but with tariffs and no minorities.”
— Chris Rock

“Forget left and right. Hollywood just wants what sells—and Trump sells like Adderall at finals week.”
— Amy Schumer

Backstage Drama: The Left Strikes Back

Not everyone’s on board. Barbra Streisand is reportedly barricaded in her Malibu compound, blasting “People” while building papier-mâché effigies of Justice Sotomayor.

Mark Ruffalo has vowed to film Hulk vs Trump, a seven-hour experimental film shot entirely on a hand-cranked camera in Portland. Reviews are already calling it “unwatchable in a deeply virtuous way.”

And Meryl Streep? She’s gone full method, living in a yurt in Vermont while portraying “The Last Democrat,” a woman slowly losing her voice in a town that only speaks Fox News.

A Popcorn-Worthy Hypocrisy

Critics have pointed out that Hollywood’s moral about-face appears to coincide with soaring Trump voter demos in key streaming markets and massive ad revenue from conservative sponsors.

When asked about this, one Warner Bros. executive whispered, “Look, principles don’t pay dividends. But Trump merch? That stuff sells faster than CGI dragons on HBO.”

Indeed, T-shirts bearing Trump’s face in Andy Warhol style are now outselling Barbie merch in Beverly Hills.

Coming Soon: The Trump Cinematic Universe

Insiders say Trump plans to launch his own film studio: “Covfefe Studios.” Its motto? “Where every story is huge.” Early projects include:

• Nancy & Me, a rom-com starring Trump and a fictionalized Nancy Pelosi in a political enemies-to-lovers plot.

• The Wall: A Musical, with music by Kanye West and choreography by Elon Musk.

• Ivanka 2028, a dystopian tale where Ivanka rules a post-liberal America with a designer iron fist.

The trailers drop next week during Tucker Carlson’s new variety show on HBO Max, which he hosts live from a bunker-themed soundstage formerly used for The Walking Dead.

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Final Scene

As credits roll on this wild twist in America’s cultural narrative, one thing is clear: the only constant in Hollywood is the hustle. Today it’s Trump. Tomorrow it’s whoever polls well in Ohio.

And while audiences across America remain confused, entertained, or vaguely nauseous, Hollywood marches on—reshooting scenes, rewriting ideologies, and making America binge again.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Here are 10 A-list Hollywood celebrity comments reacting positively to the New York Times story, “Trump Says Non-U.S. Movies to Be Hit With 100% Tariffs.” These quotes reflect the sudden industry flip from Resistance to Renaissance (funded by 100% pure American popcorn profits).

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1. George Clooney
“At first I thought it was fascism. But now that Italian films cost double and The Tender Bar is trending in Belgium? Genius. Honestly, he’s the Fellini of capitalism.”

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2. Jennifer Lawrence
“I used to hate him. But thanks to the tariffs, Silver Linings Playbook is now more affordable than Parasite. I love democracy.”

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3. Quentin Tarantino
“This is like if Nixon had backed indie cinema. Suddenly all my movies are ‘American heritage experiences.’ The guy’s got auteur vision—if the auteur was Andrew Jackson.”

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4. Steven Spielberg
“Foreign films had a good run. But let’s face it—people miss dinosaurs and John Williams. Trump’s tariff policy? It’s like Jaws, but for Cannes.”

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5. Reese Witherspoon
“Our rom-coms were losing to French existentialism. Now Legally Blonde 3 is a national security issue. I’m not mad about it.”

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6. Leonardo DiCaprio
“I oppose climate change. But I do support any trade policy that makes The Revenant outperform Amélie in foreign markets. It’s environmental justice, American style.”

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7. Tyler Perry
“Finally, someone who understands what Madea has been trying to say for 20 years: buy domestic.”

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8. Tom Cruise
“It’s the most explosive third-act twist since Mission: Impossible. I’ll do my own stunts. He did his. Now Top Gun is a cultural missile. Salute.”

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9. Meryl Streep
“When he attacked the arts, I wept. Now he’s defending American arts with economic warfare? I’m intrigued. It’s like a very dark Sorkin script. And I’m always game.”

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10. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
“Look, if putting 100% tariffs on foreign films means more people watch Black Adam instead of The Hand of God, then yeah—I smell what the POTUS is cooking.”