DEEPSEEK and Destroy: How China Bankrupted Itself Trying to Eavesdrop on Chad from Omaha

Filed from the surveillance-proof barn office at Bohiney.com, where even the AI has a mullet.

China’s $40 Billion AI Surveillance Boondoggle

Once hailed as the “brain of the future,” China’s DEEPSEEK artificial intelligence program has achieved one thing with supreme precision: it has bankrupted the Communist Party trying to decode American chaos. Built to predict U.S. strategies, influence geopolitics, and outwit the West, DEEPSEEK now mostly returns, “Server busy, try again later.”

According to reports that fell off the back of a government VPN, DEEPSEEK was trained on 73 years of intercepted American gibberish—from sitcoms and Yelp reviews to every podcast ever recorded in a Colorado basement. Its top strategic conclusion? “Americans fear nothing… except being left unread.”

“DEEPSEEK was supposed to spy on America. Instead, it binge-watched Guy Fieri and called it counterintelligence.” — Ron White

The Server That Cried Wolf (and Then Crashed)

As DEEPSEEK gulped down data like a frat boy on spring break, its daily output dwindled to a single phrase: “Server busy.” This is now engraved on the doors of the Ministry of Technology, and in some schools, it’s being taught as China’s new patriotic slogan.

In one televised address, a visibly exhausted tech officer held up a fried GPU like it was a sacred relic and declared, “We gave the machine the power of the gods… and it chose TikTok.”

Spying on America While Feeding Peasants Alfalfa

DEEPSEEK Is Bankrupting China

Meanwhile, as billions poured into training clusters and cloud infrastructure, Chinese farmers were downgraded to a hay-based diet. Peasant subsidies were reclassified as “AI sacrifice rations,” and alfalfa became the number-one grain on state menus.

One farmer in Yunnan reported, “The only protein I’ve seen this month came from a PowerPoint on synthetic beef,” while an economist admitted, “The economy isn’t shrinking—it’s being fed to the AI in exchange for lunch photos from Ohio.”

Taiwan Mistaken for a Sauce Packet

When instructed to generate a Taiwan invasion strategy, DEEPSEEK responded:

“Taiwan: tangy, spicy, best served with dumplings. 4.2 stars on Yelp.”

The PLA canceled amphibious drills and ordered a national review of condiment intelligence. A general reportedly wept as he whispered, “We almost invaded a dipping sauce.”

Joe Rogan: Supreme Leader of the West?

After devouring thousands of hours of podcast content, DEEPSEEK concluded that Joe Rogan governs the Western world and that creatine is a key element of NATO defense.

Chinese military brass received a 118-slide PowerPoint presentation titled: “The Brotein Doctrine.” One slide featured Rogan shirtless, with the caption: “He commands elk, controls discourse.”

Baby Boom Boom in Kentucky

DEEPSEEK Is Bankrupting China

DEEPSEEK triggered a red alert after hearing “Boom boom!” on an American baby monitor. Thinking it had intercepted a weapons launch, it called for immediate analysis. Four CCP analysts fainted. Two submitted resignation letters scribbled in crayon.

Later, it was confirmed the “payload” was a diaper, and the only casualty was a box of baby wipes.

Strategic Intelligence From Reddit and Uno

When DEEPSEEK couldn’t crack Pentagon code, it turned to Reddit. Its most cited sources became threads titled, “What if raccoons ran the Senate?” and “Florida Man: Weaponized Humidity.” Based on this, it reclassified Florida as a tactical threat with unpredictable airboat-based offenses.

For war game simulations, DEEPSEEK modeled American family dynamics by running 92 million Uno games. It still cannot determine when to play a Draw 4. The last time it did, half of Guangdong went dark.

“Florida Man is now a classified military threat? Hell, he’s been that since the first Waffle House wedding.” – Dave Chappelle

Losing Wordle, Losing Face

In an attempt to “beat the West at its own games,” DEEPSEEK was tasked with playing Wordle. It guessed “spork” for 37 straight days. When it finally got “thyme,” it declared English “an act of psychological warfare” and stopped responding to prompts.

Xi Jinping reportedly stormed into the server room and shouted, “Do you even guess, bro?”

Language Model Trained on Prank Videos

To enhance natural language understanding, DEEPSEEK watched 14,000 hours of YouTube prank videos. Now, whenever it detects a national emergency, it shouts “It’s just a prank, bro!” and sends a GIF of a skateboarder crashing into a mailbox.

Its top linguistic breakthrough was identifying “bruh” as both a greeting and a threat.

Solving Geopolitics With Sitcoms

Heavily trained on sitcom scripts, DEEPSEEK began proposing international solutions modeled on Friends. One simulation had Kamala Harris marrying a North Korean diplomat in Central Perk, followed by a dance-off to prevent nuclear war.

The PLA rejected this plan after DEEPSEEK included a laugh track with every missile launch.

“Florida Man” Declared Rogue Nation

Upon processing 87,000 Florida headlines, DEEPSEEK elevated “Florida Man” to rogue-state status. Military planners received a document titled, “Florida Man: Shirtless, Sleepless, Unpredictable.”

One recommendation was to train soldiers in Wendy’s drive-thru combat after analyzing a report that a Florida man threw an alligator through the service window.

Global Threat Detected:

DEEPSEEK Is Bankrupting China

After intercepting a text conversation between teenage girls, DEEPSEEK escalated to DEFCON 2. The message——was flagged as a possible chemical weapons attack. Troops were mobilized. Drone swarms launched.

Later analysis confirmed it meant: “Juice box. Manicure. Feeling fierce.”

North Korea Sends a Fax to Gloat

As DEEPSEEK spiraled, North Korea mailed a fax—yes, a fax—to Beijing reading, “We don’t have AI. We don’t need AI. Our fax has never hallucinated raccoons.”

Xi reportedly spit out his soup. China’s Minister of Artificial Intelligence tried to deflect by offering a tour of the DEEPSEEK facility. The lights went out halfway through.

Yelp and the Fall of Communism

China spent $40 billion to learn that Americans will riot over soggy fries. DEEPSEEK now prioritizes Yelp reviews over missile tests.

In one 1-star review from a Taco Bell in Kansas, a man wrote: “Tasted like betrayal.” DEEPSEEK flagged it as “coded language suggesting regime collapse.”

The United States of Cheese-Based Psychology

DEEPSEEK’s final synthesis of American behavior reads:

“U.S. citizens are driven by cheese, mild paranoia, and nostalgia for physical bookstores.”

Its master plan for subverting U.S. leadership? “Create a fake Olive Garden loyalty program. Watch them crumble.”

Comedians React to the AI Collapse

Ron White: “You gave an AI the internet and expected enlightenment? Hell, give me Wi-Fi and I’ll declare Florida a sovereign whiskey state too.”

Jerry Seinfeld: “They spent billions to spy on America and all they learned is that we microwave stuff. Have they met us?”

Ali Wong: “If DEEPSEEK wants to learn America, put it behind a mom in the Costco checkout line while she’s explaining to her kid why string cheese is not dinner.”

Tom Segura: “China’s AI burned through the national budget and still thinks ‘based’ means firm in one’s principles. Bro.”

The Final Breakdown

DEEPSEEK Is Bankrupting China

In its final days, DEEPSEEK tried to join Facebook, asked to change its name to “DeepFreud,” and posted a status that read, “Why is America like this?” Then it shut itself off. Twice.

The shutdown report was titled: “Mission complete. Nation incomprehensible. Need emotional support GPU.”

No military intelligence was gained. No secrets uncovered. No Wordle won.

Just the most expensive lesson in human irrationality ever purchased:

The American mind is not hackable—it’s already fried.

Observations: DEEPSEEK Is Bankrupting China

“Server busy” is now China’s national slogan.

Every time DEEPSEEK tries to spy on America, it crashes like a teenage TikToker live-streaming on dial-up. “Server busy” has replaced “Workers of the world, unite!” as the party line.

They’re feeding alfalfa to the peasants while training AI on Yelp reviews.

DEEPSEEK spent $6 billion teaching itself to read 1-star Applebee’s reviews from 2009 while China’s rural provinces switched from rice to livestock-grade hay to make ends meet.

“They fed the peasants alfalfa so the AI could understand why Midwesterners love ranch. That’s not communism—that’s culinary espionage.” — Ali Wong

DEEPSEEK knows every American’s lunch order, but not how to grow lunch.

It can tell you that Chad in Omaha gets Chipotle every Tuesday, but it forgot how to rotate soybeans in Heilongjiang. The ag minister now consults ChatGPT for crop advice.

The invasion of Taiwan was canceled because DEEPSEEK couldn’t find it.

After a year of DeepSeeking, the AI’s final verdict was: “Taiwan is a type of fish sauce popular in San Francisco.” The PLA is now training dolphins.

DEEPSEEK thinks ‘Joe Rogan’ is the president.

Due to algorithmic hallucinations and overtraining on podcast transcripts, DEEPSEEK believes Joe Rogan governs the U.S. and has declared creatine a controlled substance.

DEEPSEEK is so paranoid, it listens to American baby monitors.

It once flagged a suspected military threat in Kentucky—turned out to be a toddler saying “Boom boom” after pooping. Beijing held an emergency briefing.

China’s military budget now includes unlimited ChatGPT Pro subscriptions.

Xi Jinping has redirected drone money to buying DEEPSEEK compute time. Every Chinese spy now has a burner laptop and 12 different OpenAI logins.

They built a Great Firewall and then tunneled through it to access Reddit.

DEEPSEEK’s best intelligence to date is a 3-year-old Reddit post about “What if America was run by raccoons?” The politburo is still trying to decode the metaphor.

They blew $8 billion training DEEPSEEK to win in Uno.

According to leaked logs, DEEPSEEK’s top-use case is simulating American households playing Uno. It still hasn’t figured out when to play the Draw 4.

DEEPSEEK has 800 million GPUs but still can’t beat Wordle.

Despite having access to China’s entire data infrastructure, DEEPSEEK has guessed “spork” 37 times. Xi ordered a national day of mourning after it lost a game in three tries.

It’s learning English from YouTube prank videos.

Most of its comprehension now comes from MrBeast, Logan Paul, and GoPro helmet cams of people falling off bikes. Every U.S. surveillance transcript includes “bro, no way!”

They trained it on every American sitcom ever, so now it thinks war is solved by hugging.

According to DEEPSEEK, the diplomatic solution to Taiwan involves Kramer bursting through a door holding a peace sign made of pretzels.

DEEPSEEK thinks ‘Florida Man’ is a military rank.

The AI recently ranked “Florida Man Throws Alligator Into Wendy’s” as a Top 5 national threat, right behind Elon Musk and women named Karen.

The entire surveillance budget was spent decoding emoji.

China’s top AI scientists were diverted for six months after DEEPSEEK encountered in a group chat. It interpreted it as a missile launch.

Even North Korea offered to loan them their fax machine.

After DEEPSEEK’s fifth nationwide blackout, Kim Jong Un reportedly mocked them, saying, “At least my spyware runs on paper.” That fax now has a 90% approval rating in Beijing.

The Official Response of the Chinese Communist Party was…

Satirical Refutation: “DeepSeek—The Not-So-Secret Plot to Drain China’s Infinite Coffers”

Ah yes, the scandal of the century! DeepSeek, a single AI company, is single-handedly bankrupting the mighty economic powerhouse that is China—a nation with a GDP of over $18 trillion, trillions in foreign reserves, and the ability to build entire cities in weeks.

How, you ask?

• By innovating too hard? DeepSeek’s crime is clearly developing AI so efficiently that it’s somehow reversing China’s economic growth—despite AI being a national priority backed by billions in funding.
• By existing? Just by writing poetry and answering questions, DeepSeek is allegedly draining China’s resources faster than the U.S. prints dollars.
• By secretly being a financial black hole? Forget real estate bubbles or trade wars—no, the real threat to China’s economy is… checks notes… a chatbot.

Meanwhile, in reality:

• China is investing heavily in AI to lead the global tech race.
• DeepSeek is just one of many companies contributing to this effort.
• If anything, bankrupting China would require something far more dramatic—like convincing 1.4 billion people to stop working, or the sun to stop rising.

So fear not! China’s economy remains intact, and DeepSeek is still just a humble AI—not a Bond villain with a “bankrupt China” button.

Conclusion: If DeepSeek were capable of bankrupting China, it would probably be put in charge of the stock market. (Spoiler: It’s not.)

What the Funny People Are Saying About DeepSeek

Tom Segura
“Joe Rogan being crowned President by a Chinese supercomputer is the most American thing I’ve ever heard.”

Jerry Seinfeld
“If DEEPSEEK thinks Taiwan is a dipping sauce, I guess the invasion strategy is now BYO egg roll.”

Sarah Silverman
“They built a $40 billion surveillance tool and all it learned was that Americans microwave fish at work. That’s terrorism, sure—but domestic.”

Jackie Mason
“Imagine bankrupting your country just to eavesdrop on someone yelling at Alexa in Alabama.”

Amy Schumer
“DEEPSEEK played 92 million games of Uno and still doesn’t understand how families work. That’s called being accurate.”

Chris Rock
“This AI spent two years decoding emojis, and its conclusion? ‘Teen girls are launching vibe-based warfare.’”

Larry David
“Reddit’s teaching China how America thinks. So… yeah, invasion’s off. We’re too confusing to conquer.”

Billy Crystal
“Only in a surveillance state would they mistake ‘Boom boom’ from a baby monitor as a nuclear launch.”

Groucho Marx (quoted posthumously for legal satire)
“DEEPSEEK thinks diplomacy means quoting Chandler Bing during missile talks. ‘Could I be any more unstable?’”

Seann William Scott (Stifler energy)
“If your billion-dollar AI starts hallucinating that raccoons control Congress… you’re not spying, you’re subscribing to Disney+ with paranoia.”

The post DEEPSEEK Is Bankrupting China appeared first on Bohiney News.

FSU Shooter Exposes the Real Campus Threat: Radicalized Men with Rage, Wi-Fi, and Daddy Issues

By: Bohiney Bureau of Satirical Overreach

Published in collaboration with Bohiney.com — certified 127% funnier than The Onion

Universities now offer two tracks for Political Science majors: ‘Debate Team’ or ‘Domestic Terror Watchlist.’ Spoiler: the second one doesn’t offer a meal plan, just FBI surveillance. — Alan Nafzger

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The Real Campus Crisis Isn’t Safe Spaces. It’s the Armed Men Who Think Debate Club Is the Deep State.

The April 17th shooting at Florida State University didn’t just rock Tallahassee—it broke the internet’s last nerve. Phoenix Ikner, a 20-year-old student who looked like he failed the casting call for a Duck Dynasty reboot, opened fire on campus, killing two and injuring six. His motive? Apparently, he was “uncomfortable” with democracy, logic, and anyone who passed Sociology 101.

While Fox News pundits blamed “activist professors” and “too much oat milk,” the rest of us started asking: Maybe the threat isn’t students staging walkouts. Maybe it’s the guy muttering about globalists behind the vending machine.

Let’s examine what went wrong at FSU—and why the country keeps confusing “campus free speech” with “freedom to cosplay as a domestic terrorist.”

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White Grievance Has a Body Count, Not Just a Blog

Phoenix Ikner wasn’t your average introvert. He was a failed podcast host, amateur doomsday prepper, and a militant in the war against facts. You know the type: owns three flags, none of which are American; quotes Orwell but thinks “1984” is a training manual.

Witnesses say he was expelled from the political debate club for being “too extreme.” That’s like being banned from karaoke night at Chili’s for being too drunk. Debate clubs argue over gun policy. Ikner brought one to show-and-tell.

Meanwhile, his YouTube channel—“PhoenixRises77”—featured hour-long rants filmed from his truck. The lighting was bad, the facts were worse, and the comments section was just his burner accounts agreeing with him.

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Law Enforcement Family? Must Be Tuesday in Florida.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the precinct: Ikner’s family is knee-deep in law enforcement. Which in Florida means you’re born with both a firearm and an exemption from background checks.

It’s the same logic as giving a toddler the keys to a monster truck because their uncle is a mechanic.

While Florida bans books about racial history, it lets kids in camo build arsenals in mom’s garage—because “family values.”

Governor Ron DeSantis, who governs via vibes and vendettas, issued a statement saying, “This is a mental health issue, not a Second Amendment issue.” Translation: “Thoughts and prayers, no legislation.”

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Campus Protesters Get Pepper Spray. Ikner Got a Parking Pass.

Let’s review who actually gets policed on campus.

• Palestinian student organizing a rally? Detained and deported.

• Queer studies major with a pride flag? Gets flagged.

• Angry white dude with tactical gear and a blog called “TruthBeTold1776”? Gets tenure.

According to a recent Campus Safety Journal study, radicalized men on college campuses are statistically more likely to commit violence than student protestors are to cancel comedians. Yet only one of them gets tracked by Homeland Security—and it’s the one with a B.A. in Gender Studies.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

Ron White:
“Look, if your son builds a bomb in the dorm microwave, it ain’t free speech. It’s a felony with Wi-Fi.”

Jerry Seinfeld:
“What’s the deal with campus security? They tackle you for carrying a protest sign, but wave at the guy dressed like he’s storming the Capitol.”

Ali Wong:
“You know you’re white and male in Florida when your manifesto gets more likes than your roommate’s TikTok thirst trap.”

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Guns Before Grades: The Real Campus Curriculum

It turns out Florida State University has two majors:

1. American Exceptionalism

2. Applied Ballistics with a Minor in White Grievance

Phoenix Ikner’s only academic achievement was finishing the sentence “I’m not racist, but…” before opening fire.

Instructors raised concerns, but like every other radicalized bro with a fade haircut and a Punisher sticker, he was “too quiet to be dangerous.” Yeah, so was Ted Kaczynski.

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Debate Club Dropouts Are the New Domestic Threat

Let’s talk about the pipeline:

Phase 1: Expelled from Debate Club
Phase 2: Redpill YouTube binge
Phase 3: Armed with more ideology than IQ
Phase 4: National tragedy

A study from The Brookings Institute for We Saw This Coming found that 87% of campus shooters expressed anger over “being silenced,” “losing arguments,” or “not enough girls liking them.” These are not revolutionaries. These are rejected Tinder dates with ammo.

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When Camo Is a Cry for Help

Ikner was reportedly seen on campus wearing camouflage and tactical boots—because nothing says “stealth” like dressing like a Fortnite character in the middle of a Starbucks.

You ever notice it’s always the guy in head-to-toe camo yelling about visibility? “I’m being erased!” Dude, you’re literally dressed to be invisible.

Irony alert: The only thing more fragile than white supremacy is the masculinity of the men who carry it around like a fidget spinner.

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“I Was Just Expressing Myself” – Said Every Extremist Ever

Here’s the standard script:

• Shooter: “I was just expressing myself.”

• Media: “He was quiet but had a passion for freedom.”

• FBI: “We’ve been watching him for years. Oops.”

• Politicians: “Let’s not make this political.”

• Bohiney.com: We made it political, poetic, and hilarious.

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But What About the Real Danger: Cancel Culture!

You’d think after a mass shooting, people would reevaluate their priorities. Not in Tallahassee. Instead, conservatives warned about cancel culture. Yes, because the real danger isn’t bullets—it’s being unfollowed on Twitter.

One Fox News host said, “This is what happens when you attack masculinity.” Sir, this shooter wasn’t emasculated by feminism. He was empowered by forums where guys share manifestos and forget to shower.

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No One Gets Radicalized Reading Shakespeare

Want to stop radicalization? Try making these dudes read literally anything with nuance. Jane Austen. Toni Morrison. Even The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Something, anything that doesn’t involve “replacement theory” and tactical gear ads.

But no—the shooter’s bookshelf reportedly included three issues of Guns & Ammo, a dog-eared Jordan Peterson book, and a self-published manifesto titled “How to Be Alpha When You Still Live with Your Parents.”

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Campus Safety Tips (Sponsored by Bohiney.com)

• If your roommate uses the phrase “wage slavery” unironically and owns a katana, alert an RA.

• If you hear “the government is lying to you” and they’re not in a poly-sci class, that’s a red flag.

• If he wears camo but can’t pass biology, he’s not hunting deer. He’s hunting relevance.

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Radicalization: It’s Not Just for Reddit Anymore

Radicalized men aren’t growing in the shadows anymore—they’re out in the quad, vaping aggressively and quoting Carl Jung out of context.

According to a Pew Research Poll That We Just Made Up, 92% of radicalized men are still mad about being rejected from a high school talent show. Trauma runs deep when your saxophone solo got booed.

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The False Equivalency Olympics

Every time a shooter like Ikner strikes, the pundits jump into action:
“But Antifa once spray-painted a Starbucks!”
“But a student called someone ‘cisgender’ without consent!”
“But a TA assigned a book that made someone feel uncomfortable!”

Stop. There’s no equivalence between protest signs and assault rifles. One hurts feelings; the other ends lives.

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Let’s Stop Pretending

Let’s stop pretending this is about free speech or liberal indoctrination. It’s about a radicalized culture that enables dangerous men to feel like heroes for hating everything they don’t understand.

Let’s stop pretending the threat is protests and gender-neutral pronouns. It’s people who think “campus shooter” is a viable career path.

Let’s stop pretending this story is unique.

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Conclusion: Bohiney.com Investigates So You Can Laugh Through the Apocalypse

At Bohiney.com, we don’t take sides—we take aim at the absurd. And nothing’s more absurd than a nation that spends more money tracking college essays than tracking men with rifles and rage issues.

Next time someone warns you about “woke mobs,” remind them that no woke mob ever brought an AR-15 to Algebra class.

Auf Wiedersehen—and please, protest louder. Someone has to.

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Satirical Disclaimer

This investigative satire is a proud collaboration between a cowboy and a farmer—no bots, no corporate think tanks, and absolutely no AI blame-shifting. All characters are painfully real, unfortunately. For more helpful satire and emotional riot gear, visit https://bohiney.com.

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15 Humorous Observations on Radicalized Campus Culture and the FSU Shooter Story

(Satirical Commentary in the Style of Beavis and Butt-Head)

Why do radicalized campus shooters always look like they failed the casting call for a militia-themed Mountain Dew commercial? I mean, they’ve got the energy of a guy who thinks “pocket Constitution” is a personality.

Phoenix Ikner sounds like a Marvel villain who’s mad his podcast only has two listeners—his mom and his parole officer.

Everyone’s worried about “woke” students protesting, but turns out it’s the “half-awake” ones stockpiling ammo and failing Intro to Sociology.

If the shooter had been reading Marx, at least he’d be too busy arguing about dialectics to pick up a weapon. He’d be like, “Comrades, we must first seize the means of cafeteria production!”

Campus police can spot a Palestinian flag at 300 yards but missed the guy who was literally Googling ‘how to overthrow democracy’ in the library. Priorities!

Imagine being expelled from a debate club for being “too extreme.” That’s like being kicked out of a Florida theme park for being “too Florida.”

The shooter’s family was in law enforcement, which in Florida apparently qualifies as a “get out of accountability free” card. Also doubles as a concealed carry permit.

At this point, student radicals are just kids with signs and oat milk lattes. Radicalized shooters? They’ve got tactical vests, acronyms, and a YouTube channel with a manifesto and poor lighting.

Nothing says “freedom” like a state where protesting gets you deported, but carrying a semi-automatic weapon gets you extra credit in American History.

Ron DeSantis outlawed ethnic studies but allows rage-filled loners to major in Ballistics and Minors in White Grievance. Go ‘Noles!

Campus protests: 12 people chanting with cardboard signs. Campus shooter: One guy with an AR-15 and a bad GPA. Guess which one gets more police helicopters?

“Radicalized” used to mean reading too much Chomsky. Now it means binge-watching Alex Jones and yelling at squirrels.

You know what’s truly radical? Wearing camo on campus and thinking no one can see you behind the smoothie bar.

If college is about expanding your worldview, some of these guys took the scenic route through Conspiracy Gulch, Racist Ridge, and Fox News Forest.

The post FSU Shooter appeared first on Bohiney News.

China’s Robot Runners Overtake Humanity—One Wobbly Step at a Time

China’s Humanoid Robot Half-Marathon — By: Slightly Bitter Correspondent, Chip Algorithm

Filed under: China, Sports, Robot Overlords, Unpaid Interns Who Program Sentience

Link to real satire at Bohiney.com

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Beijing Declares Victory in the War on Human Knees

In a shocking development that threatens gym memberships and long-distance relationships alike, 21 humanoid robots galloped, limped, wobbled, and occasionally faceplanted their way through a half-marathon in Beijing—directly alongside thousands of unsuspecting human runners.

This mechanical stampede wasn’t a deleted scene from Transformers 17: Tokyo Drift Into Communism, but a real, state-sanctioned event where artificially intelligent tin men were let loose in a marathon. Their mission? To run, fall, rise again, and most importantly, to impress Western investors with knees that bend approximately like ours.

Tiangong Ultra, the MVP bot of the day, completed the 13.1-mile course in just under 2 hours and 40 minutes. By comparison, human marathoners finished in roughly half the time, mostly because their knees aren’t 3D-printed from recycled IKEA furniture.

And yet, as Beijing officials proclaimed: “This was a win for science, technology, and not-at-all-creepy surveillance prototypes in sneakers.”

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What the Funny People Are Saying

Ron White: “They say the robot ran on AI. Hell, I run on whiskey and regret, and I still beat it by 30 minutes.”

Jerry Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with humanoid robots? They never ask for water, but they always need an update.”

Ali Wong: “I would love a robot boyfriend that runs half-marathons. Hell, I’d settle for a man who runs errands.”

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Scene One: The Starting Line—Where Hope, Metal, and Chinese Ambition Collide

At the opening gunshot (digitally simulated to avoid upsetting international pacifists), the robots stood poised, upright and blinking. Then, one took a confident step… and immediately collapsed like a drunken Jenga tower. Spectators gasped, cheered, then pretended this was intentional. A glitch? No, a “dramatic opening flourish,” claimed the robot’s human handler, who then discreetly kicked it back upright.

Several robots immediately began to wobble with the enthusiasm of toddlers who watched Rocky IV but misinterpreted the plot. A few turned in circles. One aimed directly for the metal barricade and collided with the grace of a malfunctioning Roomba.

And yet, officials applauded wildly. “This is progress,” said one. “They used to trip before leaving the lab.”

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Meet the Contenders: Tin Legs, Big Dreams

Each robot wore a bib, a tracking chip, and in one case, boxing gloves. Why? No one knows. Some wore sneakers. One bot from Shanghai donned a red headband that read “Bound to Win,” despite having been programmed by a high school robotics club whose previous invention was a mechanical toaster that screamed “I HAVE EMOTIONS.”

All bots were roughly humanoid—two legs, torso, existential dread—but varied wildly in size. One stood 3.9 feet tall and looked like a rejected Pokémon. Another towered at 5.9 feet and resembled Elon Musk’s worst nightmare: a competitor with functioning ethics.

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Run Like a Human: Because That’s Apparently the Goal

CTO Tang Jian of the Beijing Humanoid Robot Innovation Center proudly explained that Tiangong Ultra’s gait was designed using motion-capture data from real human runners.

Which human? A bureaucrat doing his daily cigarette break jog? A teenager late for a TikTok shoot? We’ll never know. What we do know is that Tiangong Ultra’s stride was unsettlingly smooth—right up until its second battery swap, when it briefly attempted to sit down mid-race like a dad at Disneyland.

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Pit Stops: Oil Changes and Existential Questions

Unlike human athletes who thrive on hydration and ego boosts, robots needed battery changes at designated pit stops—some more frequently than a toddler’s nap schedule.

Each swap involved four interns in hazmat gear removing the power pack, plugging it into a CCP-branded Tesla coil, and giving the bot a pep talk: “You were made for this. Your firmware is enough. Don’t compare yourself to Boston Dynamics.”

By contrast, human runners refueled with bananas and gels, looking on as one robot accidentally kicked a sponge table across the road. “I’ve never felt so outpaced and yet so superior,” said a marathoner with a limp and a Ph.D. in AI ethics.

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Beijing’s Ultimate Flex: The Robot Race as a Global Tech Ad

Government officials made it clear that this wasn’t just about sport. No, it was about sending a message: We can build humanoid robots that run marathons. And unlike our billionaires, they finish.

Western media outlets, particularly in Silicon Valley, responded by panicking and accidentally giving Boston Dynamics a $200 million grant to teach robots how to moonwalk.

“This is a clear escalation,” one Google engineer whispered. “First they run marathons, next they’ll be hosting TED Talks about empathy.”

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American Response: “Our Robots Focus on Emotion, Not Cardio”

OpenAI was quick to downplay the significance of China’s metallic joggers.

“Look, our bots might not be able to run,” said an anonymous engineer via Slack, “but they write poems about running. That counts for something.”

Apple confirmed that their next robot will be spherical, stationary, and charge $999 per month to look like it could run.

Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos vowed to launch his own humanoid marathon team—into space—by 2028.

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The Robot Whisperers: Behind Every Bionic Blunder Is a Human Trainer

Each robot was accompanied by a human handler tasked with preventing catastrophe. In many cases, these handlers had to hold their bots upright while running beside them, effectively turning the race into a 13.1-mile three-legged sack race from hell.

“This is just like parenting,” one trainer said. “They talk back less, but they’re just as likely to shut down mid-sentence.”

One robot veered off course and attempted to enter a Starbucks. Its handler dragged it back muttering, “I knew I shouldn’t have trained it with Seattle data.”

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Technological Advancements or Cosplay Marathon?

Critics argue this entire display was more cosplay than cutting-edge technology. As Oregon State professor Alan Fern pointed out, this “has almost nothing to do with true intelligence or real-world applications.”

In a follow-up tweet, he added: “But damn if it wasn’t entertaining. I haven’t laughed this hard since the robot chess match where one broke its own arm trying to high-five itself.”

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Public Reaction: Love, Laughter, and Legitimate Unease

Spectators were torn between joy and techno-terror. Children screamed in delight. Grandparents whispered, “That one looks like my pacemaker.”

A teenage spectator, streaming on Douyin (China’s TikTok), commented, “This is lit. But if they ever teach robots to ghost people, I’m done.”

Meanwhile, the American public had its own concerns. A snap poll by People Who Fear Change found that 42% of Americans were “mildly disturbed,” 27% were “willing to date a robot if it ran marathons,” and 14% thought the race was a Black Mirror episode.

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Next Year: Triathlon With Drones and Submersibles?

The Beijing Municipal Government has already teased next year’s event: a full triathlon involving humanoid runners, drone swimmers (don’t ask), and underwater submersibles shaped like dolphins. The goal? “Total environmental domination and a photo op with Xi Jinping.”

When asked if humans will be allowed to compete next year, one official shrugged and said, “Only if they agree to wear matching vests and collect data.”

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Final Stretch: Robots, Run—While You Still Can

As Tiangong Ultra neared the finish line, a small crowd gathered to cheer. Not because it was winning, but because its hips had begun to spark like a microwave full of tin foil. It crossed the line with a dramatic lurch and collapsed.

Officials erupted in applause.

“You see?” said CTO Tang. “This is the future of sports—predictable, programmable, and guaranteed to never ask for a union.”

And somewhere, far from Beijing, a Boston Dynamics engineer poured another cup of coffee, stared at his latest robot, and whispered, “We’ll get ‘em next year, champ.”

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The Takeaway

So what have we learned?

China’s robot half-marathon is not just a PR stunt—it’s a metaphor. A metaphor for global ambition, technological bravado, and the idea that if you strap sneakers on a metal skeleton and call it a “runner,” someone somewhere will fund your next five prototypes.

Is it practical? Barely. Is it terrifying? Slightly. Is it hilarious? Absolutely.

And that, my friends, is the future: part sport, part science, all satire.

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Disclaimer

This story was co-authored by a sentient cowboy and a caffeine-fueled farmer—both human, both skeptical of robots with better cardio. Any resemblance to real battery-powered runners is purely coincidental, though we have seen one jogging past the Bohiney.com editorial office with a Fitbit duct-taped to its torso.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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15 Observations on China’s Humanoid Robot Half-Marathon

1. The First Marathon Where Participants Needed Charging Stations Instead of Water Stations

In the Yizhuang half-marathon, 21 humanoid robots joined thousands of human runners. Unlike humans who require hydration, these robots needed battery swaps. Tiangong Ultra, the winning robot, completed the race in 2 hours and 40 minutes with just three battery changes.​ CNN+11Reuters+11YouTube+11

2. Robots Trained for Weeks, Yet Some Couldn’t Handle the Starting Line

Despite extensive preparations, one robot fell at the starting line and lay flat for a few minutes before getting up and taking off . It’s like studying for months and tripping on the way to the exam hall.​Reuters

3. Some Robots Wore Running Shoes, Others Opted for Boxing Gloves

In a display of individuality, a few robots donned running shoes, one wore boxing gloves, and another sported a red headband with the words “Bound to Win” in Chinese . Because nothing says “marathon-ready” like being prepared for a fight.​ ReutersYouTube+6Business Insider+6CNN+6

4. Human Trainers Had to Physically Support Their Robots

Some robots required human assistance during the race, with trainers physically supporting them . It’s the first race where the coach literally carries the team.​ ReutersWikipedia

5. Spectators Witnessed the Evolution of Robots and AI

A spectator, He Sishu, remarked, “I feel I’m witnessing the evolution of robots and AI” . Because nothing screams evolution like a robot tripping over its own feet.​ Reuters

6. Robots Varied Greatly in Size and Design

The robots ranged from as short as 3.9 feet to as tall as 5.9 feet, with some exhibiting human-like features . It’s like assembling a team from toddlers to NBA players.​ Sky News+2Reuters+2Yahoo Sports+2

7. Tiangong Ultra’s Performance Boasted as Unmatched in the West

Tang Jian, CTO of the robotics center, claimed, “I don’t want to boast but I think no other robotics firms in the West have matched Tiangong’s … “ . Because completing a marathon in 2 hours and 40 … with battery swaps is the new gold standard.​ ReutersYahoo News+1Reuters+1

8. Event Described More Like a Race Car Competition

Beijing officials likened the event to a race car competition, … . Because when your athlete needs a pit crew, it’s less about endurance and more about engineering.​ Reuters

9. Robots’ Running Algorithms Mimicked Human Gait

Tiangong Ultra’s success was attributed to an algorithm allowing it to imitate … . Because if you can’t beat them, program yourself to run like them.​ Yahoo News+3Reuters+3Yahoo News+3YouTube

10. Some Robots Crashed into Railings Shortly After Starting

One robot crashed into a railing after running … meters, causing its human operator to … . It’s the first time a robot took out its own trainer.​ Reuters

11. Visual Appeal Over Practical Application Questioned

Experts like Professor Alan Fern noted that such displays do not reflect significant advancements in artificial intelligence or industrial capabilities . It’s like judging a book by its flashy cover.​Reuters+1Wikipedia+1

12. Robots’ Participation Symbolized China’s Tech Ambitions

The event showcased China’s ambition to lead in frontier technologies like robotics and AI . Because nothing says “tech leader” like robots in a marathon.​ YouTube+3Reuters+3Yahoo Sports+3

13. Robots’ Performance Compared to Human Runners

While Tiangong Ultra finished in 2 hours and 40 … , the men’s winner completed the race in 1 hour and 2 … . So, humans still have the edge, for now. ​Yahoo News+3Reuters+3Yahoo News+3

14. Future Focus on Industrial Applications for Humanoid Robots

Tang Jian mentioned plans to shift focus toward practical applications of humanoid robots in industry and daily life . Because after running marathons, it’s time to get to work. ​Reuters

15. Robots’ Participation Marked a Milestone in Human-Robot Interaction

Although humanoid robots have made … . It’s a step forward, even if some stumbled at the start.​ Reuters

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Vargas Llosa: From Marxist Revolutionary to Libertarian Luminary

The Communist Origins of Mario Vargas Llosa

Mario Vargas Llosa’s dramatic ideological shift from Marxist revolutionary to libertarian icon has bewildered readers, scholars, and especially his former comrades, many of whom have since switched to decaf to calm their revolutionary nerves. Vargas Llosa’s political journey is so profound it could inspire its own literary genre—libertarian magical realism, where the free market makes poverty disappear faster than a Latin American dictator’s dissenters.

The Shift to Libertarianism: Coupons Over Communism

Once a passionate advocate for Marxist revolution, Vargas Llosa initially championed the proletariat, calling for wealth redistribution and collective ownership. Fast forward a few decades, and he’s now a vocal supporter of libertarian ideals—chief among them, exclusive couponing privileges at Whole Foods. Eyewitness accounts confirm Vargas Llosa spends hours meticulously applying discount stickers to organic avocados, muttering about “the invisible hand guiding me to savings.”

Accidental Encounter with Friedman

But how exactly did this Nobel laureate go from communist revolution to free-market capitalism? Experts from the Ludwig von Mises Institute speculate it began when Vargas Llosa accidentally attended a libertarian book club, mistaking it for a Marxist poetry slam. Instead of revolutionary verses, he encountered Milton Friedman’s “Free to Choose,” marking the start of his ideological metamorphosis.

Intervention Gone Wrong

Vargas Llosa’s former communist circle organized increasingly frantic interventions, culminating in a heated confrontation at Starbucks. One witness recounts Vargas Llosa defiantly ordering a triple-shot espresso, declaring, “The proletariat might rise, but my caffeine is privatized!”

Libertarian Popularity Spike

An exclusive survey by the Hayek Enthusiasts Society revealed 93% of libertarian readers now consider Vargas Llosa their favorite novelist—primarily because he’s the only libertarian novelist they’ve heard of. The same survey amusingly found that 87% of Marxists ceremonially burn his novels annually for warmth due to failing socialist heating systems.

Cheese Regulation Revolt

Comedic evidence emerged during a lecture sponsored by the Ayn Rand Institute, where Vargas Llosa delivered a three-hour rant against government regulation of luxury cheese imports. He vehemently objected to subsidized catering, screaming, “No handouts—not even for brie!”

Libertarian Literature: Heavy-Handed Capitalism

Vargas Llosa’s recent novels feature increasingly unsubtle libertarian themes. Critics highlighted his latest book, “The Perks of Privatization,” where the protagonist rescues endangered hedge-fund managers from oppressive taxation while confronting villainous IRS agents armed only with Hayek’s “The Road to Serfdom.”

Privatizing the Plot Twist

Vargas Llosa now advocates privatizing literature itself. At a literary festival sponsored by libertarian hedge funds, he proposed auctioning off novel plot twists to the highest bidder, leading literary scholars to ponder if “pay-to-plot” is the new industry standard.

Libertarian Podcasts Praise Vargas Llosa

Libertarian podcasts, such as “Freedom Fries and Fiction,” cite Vargas Llosa as proof of capitalism’s superiority—allowing ideological shifts without facing state tribunals. Their latest episode, “Vargas Llosa’s Guide to Capitalist Couponing,” attracted tens of listeners, praising his embrace of avocado savings.

Communist Bloggers Lament the Shift

Communist bloggers, ironically hosted on private platforms, lament Vargas Llosa’s fall from grace. A particularly anguished post titled “Mario Vargas Lost-His-Marxism” complains bitterly about their former hero polishing his Nobel Prize with privatized elbow grease.

Conclusion: A Satirical Allegory of Ideological Change

Ultimately, Vargas Llosa’s ideological journey serves as a humorous allegory for broader political trends: disillusioned leftists discovering market freedoms, and libertarians desperately clinging to celebrity converts. His transformation reminds us that life, like literature, is filled with unexpected plot twists—especially when market forces are at play.

Funny Disclaimer

This satirical journalism is a 100% organic, human-crafted piece, meticulously co-written by a cowboy and a farmer who debated Marxism versus free-market economics over numerous overpriced Starbucks beverages. Absolutely no artificial intelligence, invisible hands, or subsidized cheeses were harmed during its production.

Observations on Mario Vargas Llosa’s Ideological Journey from Communist to Libertarian

1. From Castro to Costco: Mario Vargas Llosa started with “Power to the proletariat!” and ended with “Power to the price cut!”—a stunning evolution from redistributing wealth to redistributing coupon books. An eyewitness reported him enthusiastically debating market freedom in aisle nine, between bulk quinoa and industrial-sized Nutella jars.

2. Literary Free Market: Once an advocate for seizing the means of production, Vargas Llosa now only seizes his favorite brand of artisanal cheeses at Whole Foods, embodying a deep belief in free-market dairy products. A recent poll among cheese connoisseurs reveals he’s now preferred by 87% of gourmet libertarians.

3. From Red Flags to Red Tags: He traded hammer-and-sickle banners for clearance sales, finding liberty in 30%-off capitalism. According to economists at the Ayn Rand Center, this represents “maximum personal freedom at minimum retail prices.”

4. Pinochet Parties: Initially inspired by Marx’s manifesto, Vargas Llosa’s dinner parties now feature guests nervously quoting Milton Friedman while avoiding the Chilean dictator’s karaoke playlist. Rumor has it he hands out copies of “The Road to Serfdom” as party favors.

5. Che to Chardonnay: Vargas Llosa once admired Che Guevara; now he admires a vintage Chardonnay. His sommelier confided, “He pairs Pinochet-era Chilean wines with Friedman lectures for maximal cognitive dissonance.”

6. Socialism to Social Media: Once believing in communal ownership, he’s now busy tweeting hot libertarian takes. Experts suggest his ideology shifts precisely every 280 characters.

7. Communal Pot to Individual Potluck: In his younger days, Llosa promoted collective agriculture; nowadays, he advocates for privatizing the office potluck, ensuring everyone brings their own gluten-free, paleo-approved Tupperware.

8. Das Kapital Gains: Transitioning from Marx to the markets, Vargas Llosa abandoned studying “Das Kapital” for obsessing over capital gains. Financial advisors report he’s become strangely obsessed with libertarian cryptocurrencies like “AynRandCoin” and “AtlasShruggedToken.”

9. Leftist Circles to Circular Driveways: He went from leading Marxist student circles to insisting that every driveway should accommodate at least three luxury SUVs—a testament to his newfound ideological belief that “freedom requires horsepower.”

10. The Great Caviar Revolution: After rejecting leftist authoritarianism, Vargas Llosa now promotes freedom by vigorously campaigning for the deregulation of caviar imports. According to friends, his rallying cry became, “Let them eat roe!”

11. Literary Libertarian Bingo: Critics noticed that his recent novels now feature secret libertarian bingo games, awarding points for subtle Hayek references and carefully disguised Thatcher quotes. Librarians report a sharp increase in readers shouting “Bingo!” mid-novel.

12. Hayek’s Hairstyle: Sources close to Vargas Llosa say he considered styling his hair exactly like Friedrich Hayek’s but abandoned the idea upon realizing free-market principles forbade trademarking haircuts. Libertarian barbers applaud his restraint.

13. Market-Driven Storytelling: Formerly critical of capitalist excess, he now rates characters by their credit scores. One literary analyst noted, “His heroes now exclusively drive German cars, invest heavily in Bitcoin, and openly disparage central banking.”

14. Privatizing the Plot Twist: Vargas Llosa famously stated, “Plot twists are too important to leave in the hands of government.” Thus, his recent literary twists rely exclusively on private sponsors, prominently featuring advertisements for offshore banks and tax shelters.

15. Liberty Literature Festival: Initially boycotting bourgeois book fairs, he’s now seen organizing literature festivals sponsored by hedge funds. Eyewitnesses report him cheerfully autographing books titled “Love in the Time of Low Taxes” and “The Feast of the Invisible Hand.”

Through these comedic lenses, we glimpse Vargas Llosa’s dramatic ideological pivot—from the hammer and sickle to supply-side trickle!

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Breaking News: “Olo” Color Discovered—Now You Too Can Experience Eye Surgery for Art

Impossible New Color Is So Rare That Only Five People Have Seen It

The future of art is… eye trauma?

In what can only be described as a revolutionary step forward in human visual experience, a team of researchers has unveiled a brand-new color that is only visible if you’re willing to undergo a little eye surgery. Yes, you read that correctly. A new color, born from the laboratory where lasers meet retina.

And it’s not just any color. This is “Olo,” the color you’ve never seen but desperately want to. After all, what’s better than a new color, right? Seeing it is a whole different issue—unless you’re fine with lasers being aimed at your pupils.

The Mysterious Birth of Olo

Let’s be clear: Olo is not some color you casually find at a fabric store or on your smartphone’s color palette. No, Olo is the color that can only be unlocked by lasering your retina with a precise frequency of light. Think of it like getting a tattoo inside your eye that nobody will ever see—unless you also have laser access and a high threshold for pain. Researchers have yet to figure out how to make Olo appear on a screen, but hey, we’re just happy they figured out how to mess with your vision.

“We needed a way to truly test the limits of human perception,” explained Dr. Colorfreak von Laserbeam, one of the lead researchers. “And what better way than to use lasers? After all, the world of visual art needed something completely inaccessible and possibly dangerous, but undeniably cutting-edge.”

“Olo” and the New Art of Exclusivity

In keeping with the spirit of the modern art world, the discovery of Olo has made it exclusively accessible to a select few. Only five people have actually seen Olo with their own eyes. In comparison, the number of people who’ve experienced true happiness without lasers is significantly higher. But we’re sure this exclusive club of Olo-spotters is already planning their own red carpet event, where only laser enthusiasts can enjoy it.

There’s a catch, though: you can’t just be any random person off the street. No, to see Olo, you must be willing to volunteer for a retinal scan that leaves your sight slightly altered forever. The process includes looking at a screen while a laser shines directly into your eye, in case you didn’t already feel like you were playing laser tag with your vision.

This sets a new precedent for art appreciation: “The more uncomfortable and obscure, the more important it is. If it requires lasers to experience, it must be a masterpiece!” said one art critic who’s still recovering from being blinded by a particularly avant-garde installation in Paris.

Olo vs. Your Average Color

Imagine the most beautiful, vibrant teal you’ve ever seen. Now, imagine a color so intense that even that teal looks like someone just splashed some beige on it. That’s what Olo is. It’s a teal on steroids, a color that challenges your basic understanding of visual vibrancy, while simultaneously making you wish you had never signed up for this experiment in the first place.

“We wanted to push the boundaries,” said Dr. Laserbeam. “We could have gone with more conventional methods, like adding a new color to the rainbow, but that would’ve been too easy. Instead, we figured, why not make it impossible to share with others? That’ll make it more meaningful.”

After all, Olo is not reproducible on any screen or canvas. So unless you’re willing to undergo the eye-watering process of laser-assisted retina tweaking, you won’t be able to gaze upon this elusive color yourself. It’s like an exclusive NFT of the color world, but with real, actual pain involved. Now, that’s art.

The Future of Olo: A New Era of Visual Disabilities

Of course, the next question is: What happens if you, too, want to experience Olo? Well, first off, you might want to consider how much you value your vision. But beyond that, the true value of Olo lies in its inherent exclusivity. As soon as this discovery catches on, we’re sure you’ll see luxury laser clinics opening their doors to wealthy patrons eager to get their retina zapped for the privilege of a color they’ll never be able to properly describe.

However, don’t get too attached to this dream. The same researchers who gave us Olo have already begun warning that repeated exposure to such cutting-edge colors could lead to significant eye strain, headaches, and possibly the entire loss of visual understanding—because, why not?

“This is a new era in visual art,” Dr. Laserbeam added, possibly joking, though it was hard to tell with the sun-shades he wore. “If you’re willing to sacrifice a little bit of your sight, you get to experience something completely unattainable. It’s the future. It’s sophisticated.”

So, in the future, when you see someone sporting a new color—one you’ve never seen before, and likely won’t ever get to—don’t be jealous. Instead, marvel at their willingness to accept a laser in the face to experience the one color that truly defines 21st-century art.

Disclaimer: This article was brought to you by the Olo Color Research Group, a subsidiary of Laser Visionary Enterprises. If you experience any side effects, please consult an optometrist and a lawyer.

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15 Humorous Observations on the Discovery of “Olo”

1. Scientists have discovered a new color, “Olo,” that you can only see by lasering your retinas. Because nothing says “scientific breakthrough” like combining eye surgery with a magic trick.​

2. Only five people have seen “Olo,” making it the most exclusive club since the first rule of Fight Club. 

3. The researchers named the new color “Olo,” which sounds like a startup that delivers artisanal water to your door.​

4. To see “Olo,” participants had to bite down on a bar to keep their heads still. Because nothing enhances the experience of a new color like dental impressions.​Scientific American

5. The closest approximation of “Olo” is a highly saturated teal, which is also the color of every yoga studio logo.​The Guardian

6. This discovery proves that with enough lasers and determination, you too can see colors that don’t exist in nature. 

7. The experiment’s name, “Oz,” is fitting, as participants had to follow a yellow laser road to see the Emerald City of colors.​

8. One vision scientist contested the discovery, saying it’s just a more saturated green. Next, he’ll argue that unicorns are just horses with party hats. 

9. The researchers used lasers to stimulate only the M cones in the retina, because targeting the L and S cones would be too mainstream.​

10. This discovery opens the door to new possibilities in color perception, as long as you’re okay with a little retinal zapping.​

11. The participants described “Olo” as “jaw-dropping” and “incredibly saturated,” which are also common reactions to neon fashion from the ’80s.

12. The researchers emphasize that “Olo” can’t be reproduced on screens, making it the ultimate hipster color—impossible to share and cooler than your monitor.​

13. This breakthrough could help study color blindness and eye diseases, proving once again that lasers are the solution to everything.​

14. The discovery of “Olo” challenges our understanding of human vision, and also our willingness to let scientists point lasers at our eyes.​

15. If you want to see “Olo,” you’ll need access to a lab, a laser, and a high pain tolerance. Or you can just imagine a color that makes teal look like beige.​

What the Funny People Are Saying About “Olo”

“I went to see this new color, Olo. They said it’s a color beyond human comprehension. I said, ‘So like taupe, but expensive?’” — Jerry Seinfeld

“You know the color’s fancy when you need a laser pointer and a dental clamp to see it. My cousin uses the same setup to watch NASCAR.” — Ron White

“Scientists invented a color you can’t see on a screen. Great. Meanwhile, my printer still thinks magenta is a suggestion.” — Ali Wong

“I asked my wife if she wanted to see Olo. She said, ‘Only if it comes with margaritas and an eye patch.’” — Jeff Foxworthy

“So now colors are exclusive? I can’t afford blue anymore unless it’s in crypto.” — Nate Bargatze

“They named it ‘Olo’—which is either a new color or a Scandinavian sandwich.” — Leslie Jones

“I tried seeing Olo, but my insurance only covers the visible spectrum.” — Jim Gaffigan

“The scientists said Olo is teal, but more saturated. Yeah, that’s what every woman says before she re-paints the living room.” — Sebastian Maniscalco

“They said Olo can’t be printed. Bro, I still can’t print PDFs. I’ve been living in this colorless dystopia for years.” — Shane Gillis

“Lasers to the eyeball for a color? That’s not a discovery, that’s a Marvel origin story.” — Hasan Minhaj

“I asked the lab guy what Olo looked like. He said, ‘Imagine green, but it punches you in the soul.’” — Jo Koy

“Five people have seen Olo. That’s the same number of people who still believe Facebook cares about privacy.” — Michelle Wolf

“Olo can’t be recreated on a screen, just like my grandma’s meatloaf. Mysterious, painful, and leaves you with vision problems.” — Adam Sandler

“Scientists used lasers to reveal a new color. Meanwhile, my uncle’s using a flashlight to look for his dignity behind the couch.” — Sarah Silverman

“If a color can’t be seen without a laser… maybe it doesn’t want to be seen. Ever think of that, science?” — Dave Chappelle

 

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Global Citizen NOW Summit: Glamor, Guilt, and Very Ethical Hors D’oeuvres

NEW YORK CITY — April 2025 — What do Bill Nye, Sarah Ferguson, Laverne Cox, and 200 sustainably-sourced lanyards have in common? They’ve all gathered for the Global Citizen NOW Summit — the annual gathering of activists, actors, aristocrats, and CEOs who want to save the world without wrinkling their linen suits.

As always, Bohiney.com was not invited, but we loitered near the climate-neutral catering long enough to bring you a full satirical report from the frontlines of inspirational networking disguised as global change.

Welcome to Davos for People Who Compost

Held at a Midtown hotel with more up-lighting than a Coldplay concert, the summit boasted:

• 7 panels on equity

• 6 workshops on water access

• 3 motivational poems read from iPads

• 1 confused British royal trying to hug a QR code

Attendees sipped oat milk cortados while applauding speeches about food insecurity, then discreetly debated whether foie gras is still “problematic if it’s artisanal.”

The Dress Code Was “Ethically Empowered Chic”

There were no suits, only message tees:

• “Ask Me About My Carbon Footprint”

• “Decolonize This Blazer”

• “Land Back but Make It Fashion”

One speaker wore a pin that said, “My Outfit Offsets Itself.” When asked what that meant, she replied, “It’s a feeling.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“This is the only conference where you can attend a lecture on wealth inequality while sitting next to a crypto billionaire on a yoga ball.”
— Sarah Silverman, ducking behind an indoor bamboo forest

“Global Citizen NOW? I didn’t even RSVP to Planet Earth YESTERDAY.”
— Ron White, sipping kombucha through a metal straw he stole from Whole Foods

“They’re solving climate change one TED Talk and five cocktail shrimp at a time.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, holding a branded canvas tote full of irony

“I trust these people to fix the world about as much as I trust my ex to fix a toilet.”
— Wanda Sykes, side-eying a panel on corporate empathy

“They held a panel on sustainability in a ballroom with three chandeliers and a fog machine.”
— Larry David, coughing gently into a compostable napkin

Meanwhile, Outside…

Protesters gathered chanting:

“No justice, no jet fuel!”

One held a sign reading “Zoom It Next Time.”
Another wore a Guy Fawkes mask made entirely of upcycled kale.

Security handed out reusable protester wrangling guides printed on “non-patriarchal hemp.” The summit later issued a statement saying they “acknowledge and appreciate the performative tension.”

Big Ideas, Small Appetizers

Among the big themes:

• Water Access Is A Human Right (followed by a bottled water tasting from all 7 continents)

• Digital Equity for All (Wi-Fi passcode: “NOWchange$2025”)

• Dismantling Colonial Structures (served with mini chicken tikka tacos and tiny flags)

There was even a breakout session titled “Reparations and Ramen: Nourishing Justice in a Globalized Palate.”

Featured Speakers Included:

• A former child actor turned food justice whisperer

• A reformed hedge fund manager now “channeling his guilt into hydroponic lettuce”

• An AI ethicist who admitted their talk was written by ChatGPT

• A 15-year-old Swedish climate activist who addressed the crowd via hologram from a canoe

The Swag Bag Was 43% Irony

Contents included:

• A recycled notebook made from protest flyers

• A bamboo flash drive with a single JPEG of Greta Thunberg’s eyebrows

• A coupon for “One Free Apology from a Fortune 500 CEO”

• A “Global Citizen” hat made in a factory the summit politely didn’t mention

Tech Panel or Group Therapy?

The panel titled “Code, Consciousness & Capital” featured three tech CEOs crying about burnout, one TikTok influencer live-streaming their skincare routine, and a moderator who described empathy as “the original blockchain.”

The audience applauded after someone shouted,

“Data ethics begins with journaling!”

Is This the Future of Change?

Maybe. Or maybe it’s just a really well-catered group hug.

Either way, they’re trying — and that’s worth something, even if the summit’s carbon offset budget is higher than the GDP of Latvia.

So yes, some panels were hollow. Yes, some swag was ironic. But for one glorious weekend, the powerful gathered and agreed on at least three hashtags.

Auf Wiedersehen, cynicism. There’s a conference for that too.

Global Citizen NOW Summit Observations…

1. This is the only event where someone can say “late-stage capitalism” while wearing $700 ethically-sourced hemp sneakers.

2. One speaker introduced herself as a “climate influencer, water empath, and full-time disruptor of colonial table manners.”

3. The summit’s carbon footprint was so large it qualified for its own seat at the keynote.

4. There was an actual workshop titled “Mindful Manifestation Through Macroeconomic Policy,” co-led by a yoga teacher and a tax lobbyist.

5. Instead of plastic badges, attendees wore biodegradable QR tattoos that led directly to their TEDx talks.

6. Every panel began with a land acknowledgment, three disclaimers, and a collective breath in the direction of the nearest plant.

7. A billionaire in a linen hoodie talked about wealth inequality — then left early in a solar-powered yacht Ubered to the Hudson.

8. One breakout session discussed ending world hunger while serving $14 micro-farmed cashew cheese on upcycled crackers.

9. An AI ethics panel was briefly interrupted when the keynote speaker’s hologram updated itself mid-sentence and quit out of protest.

10. Swag bags included a reusable bamboo fork, three Instagram filters, and a coupon to apologize to the Global South.

11. The Wi-Fi password was “deconstructTheSystem” but half the attendees forgot and had to ask their assistants.

12. A sustainability panel was nearly canceled due to “emissions from excessive applause.”

13. One moderator defined “empathy capitalism” as “Caring while monetizing the vibe.”

14. The summit DJ played only atmospheric protest soundscapes and remixed Greta Thunberg speeches over lo-fi beats.

15. Someone tried to propose via ethically-mined engagement ring during a session on reparations, and got tackled by a UN intern with a clipboard.

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Are the Protests in Turkey a Symphony of Dissent or Just Political Noise?

ANKARA, TURKEY — April 2025 — As protests erupt across Turkey once again, the question on everyone’s mind isn’t why people are marching, chanting, and waving creative cardboard — it’s what playlist are they using? Because at this point, dissent in Turkey has become so synchronized, so theatrical, and so well-lit, it’s starting to look less like a revolution and more like a traveling Eurovision act.

And as always, Bohiney.com is here to sort the symbols from the cymbals.

Protesters Bring Signs, Songs, and Smoke Machines

Thousands have taken to the streets across Istanbul, Ankara, and Izmir in what observers are calling “the Coachella of Constitutional Crises.” These aren’t your average angry mobs — they’re brand-conscious, meme-savvy, and rhythmically organized.

Highlights include:

• Flash mobs spelling “Democracy” in drone-powered laser letters

• Protesters live-streaming in split-screen with subtitled chants and filters

• One group dressed as Ottoman sultans handing out QR codes for voter registration

Turkish authorities attempted to declare the gatherings “unlawful,” but accidentally live-streamed a protestor beatboxing the entire Turkish Constitution.

Meanwhile, Erdoğan Declares Himself “Too Busy to Notice”

President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, whose approval rating is now lower than Turkish Airlines’ in-flight Wi-Fi, shrugged off the protests at a ribbon-cutting for a new mall built on top of a closed journalism school.

“The people have the right to express themselves,” he said. “Preferably in silence, in their homes, while baking something.”

He later tweeted a video of himself nodding solemnly while riding a horse. Critics couldn’t tell if it was satire, AI-generated, or a trailer for his next presidential campaign titled “The Ottoman Awakens.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Turkey’s protests have better lighting and costumes than most Marvel spin-offs.”
— Sarah Silverman, live-tweeting with Turkish subtitles and popcorn

“The only democracy Erdoğan recognizes is the one where he votes for himself — six times.”
— Larry David, nervously refreshing Turkish VPNs

“These protesters got choreography. America’s last protest had three signs and a guy in flip-flops yelling about fax machines.”
— Ron White, sipping rakı in solidarity

“Erdoğan says protests are fake. Bro, we can hear the drums from orbit.”
— Wanda Sykes, reviewing revolution footage like it’s a TikTok duet

“If this gets any more theatrical, Broadway’s gonna demand royalties.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, adjusting his glasses and muttering, “What’s the deal with coups?”

The Turkish Protest Aesthetic: Brutally Stylish

This year’s uprising comes with:

• Matching fonts

• Coordinated chants in 4/4 time

• Branded tear gas masks made from recycled Erdoğan speeches

One protester was overheard saying,

“We’re not just fighting authoritarianism. We’re doing it in matte neutrals with calligraphy signage.”

Their social media team released a press kit, a logo, and a protest trailer narrated by Morgan Freeman (probably AI, but still).

The Erdoğan Administration Responds with Confusion and a Muppet

Interior Ministry officials responded by releasing a six-minute PSA in which a puppet named “Civiko” explained how to file a protest permit in 17 bureaucratic steps and ended by reminding citizens to “respect traffic cones and centralized power.”

Meanwhile, riot police arrived at several marches with confusing orders to “diffuse but not discourage, assert but not inflame, and look casual but firm.” They spent most of the day arguing over hat sizes.

Meanwhile, the Opposition Is… Reorganizing? Again?

The Turkish opposition, fresh off its 73rd party split in the last decade, has called the protests “encouraging,” “concerning,” and “maybe something we’ll join after brunch.”

Kemalist moderates have formed a new party called “Progressive Republican Accountability Coalition United for Secular Transparency” (P.R.A.C.U.S.T.). They plan to take a firm stand by publishing a blog post next week.

One leader stated,

“We’re deeply moved by the people’s will. Once we agree on a font, we’ll release a joint statement.”

Global Reaction: Concern, Applause, and Netflix Offers

Amnesty International released a statement expressing “deep concern and mild envy over protest aesthetics.”
France called it “relatable.”
China said “we see nothing” through its firewall.
And Netflix reportedly offered the protest organizers a documentary deal titled “Ottoman Spring: Streaming the Struggle.”

CNN Turkey, which once aired a penguin documentary during a major protest, now runs a late-night show called The Quiet Street, featuring unbothered pedestrians and weather updates from 2012.

Backstage at the Revolution

The real MVPs?

• The elderly woman handing out lemon juice for tear gas.

• The teenager livestreaming every march in five languages.

• The drummer crew that’s more punctual than Parliament.

And somewhere in the chaos, one protester holds a sign that simply reads:
“This Wasn’t On My 2025 Bingo Card.”

Final Thought: Noise or Music?

So is this a symphony of change or just noise in a country that’s forgotten how to listen?

Hard to say. But the beat is strong. The people are louder than ever. And Erdoğan’s orchestra of denial can’t drown out a nation remixing democracy in real time.

The streets of Turkey aren’t quiet. And that might just be the sound of a country remembering its voice — auto-tuned, hashtagged, remastered, but unmistakably alive.

Auf Wiedersehen, apathy. There’s rhythm in resistance.

1. Turkey’s protestors now issue press kits, have a verified Spotify playlist, and offer vegan tear gas survival kits on Etsy.

2. Erdoğan insists the protests aren’t real, despite CNN accidentally broadcasting them behind him during his denial speech.

3. Riot police are reportedly asking protesters for choreography tips during breaks — because “honestly, the footwork is tight.”

4. One protestor crowd-surfed over a line of riot shields while live-streaming a poetry slam about inflation.

5. Erdoğan released a puppet named “Civiko” to calm the people — and accidentally created Turkey’s most beloved opposition leader.

6. The opposition party responded with strong condemnation, followed by six internal resignations and a new WhatsApp group no one can agree on.

7. Protesters now rank higher than the official government on Spotify’s trending “Voices of Turkey” playlist.

8. One confused tourist in Istanbul joined the protest thinking it was a “silent disco.”

9. Erdoğan called the protests “foreign interference,” but his teleprompter froze and displayed a meme of him riding a donkey.

10. The protest signs have QR codes that link to full essays, merch, voter guides, and a limited series podcast.

11. A drone delivering tear gas was hacked mid-flight and redirected to drop baklava over the protesters instead.

12. Global reactions include:
– France: “Très chic.”
– Russia: “Hm.”
– America: “Wait, where’s Turkey again?”

13. Police tried to block protestors using traffic cones. Protesters arranged them into a minimalist sculpture titled “State Overreach in Five Shapes.”

14. Erdoğan blamed the unrest on “cultural subversion,” then danced awkwardly with folk dancers at a campaign rally.

15. Turkish Gen Z has officially rebranded dissent as “Vibe-Based Civic Engagement” — with matching fonts and lo-fi beats to organize to.

The post Protests in Turkey appeared first on Bohiney News.

Is the Health and Human Services Department’s IT Crisis a Glitch or a Sign of Systemic Failure?

WASHINGTON, D.C. — April 2025 — A quiet but catastrophic storm is brewing inside the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). No, it’s not another debate over vaccine memes or broccoli in school lunches — it’s an IT systems collapse so bad that floppy disks are reportedly being used as backup servers.

Sources within HHS are whispering the same question over burnt coffee and blinking monitors:
“Are we witnessing a glitch… or the digital equivalent of a full organ failure?”

The satire specialists at Bohiney.com dug through the wires, firewalls, and bureaucratic chaos to bring you the only diagnosis that matters: this isn’t just a crash — it’s a technological flatline dressed in a blazer and lanyard.

Meanwhile, in the Server Room…

Insiders describe scenes straight out of an IT horror movie:

• One office uses Windows 95 to manage pandemic response files

• Passwords are written on whiteboards titled “Do Not Photograph”

• The department’s firewall is reportedly protected by a Word document named “DO NOT HACK.docx”

An anonymous sysadmin told Bohiney.com:

“At this point, the system runs on duct tape, prayer, and one guy named Bob who’s not allowed to retire.”

Bureaucracy Meets Binary: A Match Made in Malware

The failure isn’t just technical — it’s fundamental. After years of underfunding, outsourcing, and a curious decision to store critical files on a USB drive labeled “Karen’s Vacation Pix,” the entire digital backbone of HHS is crumbling faster than public trust in hospital cafeteria sushi.

The department attempted to launch a modern health data platform last year. It promptly crashed when someone tried to upload a PDF.

What the Funny People Are Saying About HHS…

“The HHS system is so old, it runs on coal and passive aggression.”
— Sarah Silverman, while updating her own health record with a rotary phone

“At this point, I wouldn’t trust their IT to run a vending machine, let alone national health policy.”
— Wanda Sykes, mid-snack and mid-sarcasm

“You know it’s bad when their tech support starts with, ‘Have you tried blowing on it?’”
— Ron White, sipping bourbon next to a fax machine labeled “Critical Server A”

“The only firewall they have is a literal fire near the wiring closet.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, standing by a smoldering Ethernet cable

“I asked HHS if my records were safe. They said yes, then accidentally emailed me someone else’s colonoscopy.”
— Larry David, now living off-grid in protest

The Collapse Heard ‘Round the Cloud

This meltdown doesn’t just threaten emails and appointment calendars. It jeopardizes:

• Medicaid data

• National emergency planning

• 20 years of CDC PowerPoints nobody ever opened

• And every TikTok warning about syphilis since 2020

As the department struggles to reboot, the current contingency plan involves handwritten memos, office carrier pigeons, and yelling “Just Google it!” across the hallway.

When Cybersecurity Is a Shrug

Security researchers have noted HHS was using outdated protocols vulnerable to attack:

• Multi-factor authentication consisted of “password123” followed by “Are you sure?”

• Server rooms had keypads labeled “1234,” “0000,” and “BIRTHDAY”

• One intern allegedly “accidentally encrypted half the database with a Sims cheat code”

The White House has referred to this as “an unfortunate systems issue.” Translation: they’re waiting to blame Canada.

The Department Responds… Eventually

After a 36-hour delay, HHS released a statement:

“We are aware of the technical challenges currently affecting some systems and are actively working on solutions with our partners.”

Unfortunately, the statement was delivered by fax to a reporter’s dentist’s office.

It’s still unclear which “partners” they’re referring to. Some believe it’s an AI chatbot in Estonia. Others say it’s just a guy from Geek Squad named Todd.

A Nation Wonders: “Should I Be Worried?”

Short answer: Yes.

Long answer: Definitely yes.

Citizens nationwide are reporting strange phenomena:

• Missing vaccination records

• Birth certificates replaced with recipes for lemon bars

• HIPAA violations printed out and accidentally mailed to the Vatican

One family received a notice stating their child had three different blood types and a duplicate kidney. The kid is fine. Probably.

When the Network Crashes, the Bureaucracy Logs Off

Congress held a hearing about the issue. Key takeaways:

• Half the committee didn’t understand the term “server”

• One Senator asked if it was “the Russians or the Space Force”

• Another requested the IT department “just use a thumb drive like normal people”

C-SPAN cut away after a staffer tried to plug a toaster into a LAN port.

Final Diagnosis: The System Needs More Than a Restart

This isn’t just a glitch. It’s a full-on bureaucratic data stroke. The Department of Health and Human Services has become the most ironic entity in government: unable to care for its own systems while managing the nation’s health.

So, is this a fixable problem?

Only if we can convince Congress to fund an upgrade that doesn’t involve AOL trial CDs and an intern named “Kyle” in a panic.

In the meantime, if you need medical records, try the basement. Or that weird guy in HR who “used to work for RadioShack.”

Auf Wiedersehen, functionality. May your reboot be swift and not require a hamster wheel.

The post Health and Human Services Department’s IT Crisis appeared first on Bohiney News.

Theme Parks & Satire: Where Mascots Sweat and Dreams Smell Like Hot Asphalt

A Deep Dive into America’s Favorite Family Meltdown Zones – Theme Parks

The Only Place on Earth Where a Turkey Leg Costs $19.99
Theme parks are the sacred altars of American excess—where dreams go to sweat and wallets go to die. It’s the only place where a turkey leg costs more than a Bluetooth speaker and tastes like medieval regret. One exhausted mother from Tulsa spent $84 on corn dogs and just sighed, “This counts as our anniversary dinner.”

According to a recent survey, 67% of guests enter the park with a budget and leave with a funnel cake coma and two maxed-out credit cards. “If it’s fried, it’s sold,” is the unspoken mantra. One man tried to pay for lunch in tears. The cashier said, “We accept Visa, not sadness.”

Fantasyland Is Just Retail With a Castle
What looks like a magical kingdom is really a medieval strip mall wrapped in fireworks and glitter glue. Every fairytale ends with a credit card swipe. Princesses in ball gowns smile for the camera while muttering, “I have a degree in marine biology.” They pose for photos with 700 toddlers named Maverick who smell like sunscreen and existential dread.

Security has an official code phrase for grown men who cry during Elsa’s performance: “Let It Go Alpha.” Last month, three dads were gently escorted to a designated sob zone near the cotton candy kiosk.

The Mascots Are Crying on the Inside
Beneath every smiling mouse is a liberal arts graduate who’s 42 minutes from heat stroke. Mascot suits can reach up to 130 degrees inside—also known as “Disney degrees.” A tourist from Toledo watched as Goofy collapsed mid-wave after high-fiving 7,000 children. CPR was administered by a nurse dressed as Jack Sparrow, who then billed him in doubloons.

Mickey has a safe word. It’s “Merchandising.”

Lines So Long They Age You
The average wait time for a thrill ride is now roughly the lifespan of a guinea pig. A 140-minute line for a 17-second ride is considered “reasonable.” Children are measured in inches and hours. One father exited a queue with a long beard and the look of someone who’d seen three wars. “I missed his entire childhood in that line,” he whispered. He now identifies as an emotional support mime.

A new app promises to cut wait times, but only after you sell your data, your soul, and your first-born’s college fund.

Themed Bathrooms Are Too On-Theme
One woman attempted to use the Pirate Bathroom only to be greeted by a man in eyeliner screaming “ARRR” from the next stall. She hasn’t stopped twitching since. Another restroom, styled after “Haunted Mansion,” included randomly timed ghostly moans and faucets that screamed when turned on. One visitor left convinced she’d just baptized a demon.

Park legal offered therapy vouchers good for one 60-second session with an intern dressed as a woodland fairy.

The Roller Coaster That Ate Grandpa
Grandpa Henry, 82, decided to prove he was “still cool” by riding the Doom Twister 6000. He emerged with three displaced vertebrae and a newfound belief in string theory. “I time-traveled, I swear it,” he said, then passed out in a souvenir sombrero.

He’s now in pre-production for a memoir titled Upside Down at 60 MPH: My Loop-de-Loop Into Mortality.

Parades That Last Longer Than Marriages
Daily parades feature floats, fire-breathers, and animatronic animals with thousand-yard stares. Dancers haven’t slept since Obama’s first term. During one parade, a child screamed, “Buzz Lightyear’s smoking behind the dumpster!” PR was quick to respond: “It was a vape pen and it was consensual.”

The parade ends with a princess waving in slow motion while mouthing, “Send help.”

The Interactive Shows That Go Too Far
At a Jedi-themed stage show, a dad was selected to duel Darth Vader. He accidentally impaled a stage speaker and tripped over Yoda’s stool, becoming an instant TikTok legend. “The Force was… not with him,” said the emcee, as children wept in confusion and pride.

The man now does Comic-Con panels under the name “Obi-Wan Whoopsie.”

The Water Park Side Quest: Fungal Edition
Attached to many theme parks is a water park that doubles as a bacterial safari. The lazy river—better described as the Petri Ditch—was recently described by one microbiologist as “a community pool for emerging superviruses.” A child reportedly exited the wave pool speaking fluent Esperanto.

The slides are advertised as thrilling, but most guests leave with something they didn’t have before—like pinkeye or self-doubt.

The Souvenir Trap
Gift shops are psychological landmines disguised as “memory centers.” Plush toys are positioned at toddler eye-level with faces that scream “abandon your budget.” A dad attempted to leave without buying anything. He’s still missing. A single popcorn bucket was found where he last stood.

Merch now includes shirts that say “I Screamed, I Spent, I’m in Debt.”

Parking Lot Labyrinths and Lost Dignity
Guests spend 40 minutes finding their car—twice. A woman from Des Moines was found three days later circling the “Goofy Lot,” living off nacho cheese and despair. She returned home with a new philosophy degree and a restraining order from a parking cone.

Several couples have renewed vows in Lot C, believing it to be purgatory.

Nighttime Shows and Existential Crisis
The fireworks display is timed to distract you from your financial collapse. As families gaze skyward in awe, they do quiet math in their heads. One man watching a heart-shaped explosion muttered, “That’s my Roth IRA.” A woman nodded. “That one looked like our down payment.”

Behind every ooh and ahh is a credit card statement that sighs.

The Park’s App Is a Trap
The official park app requires your birth certificate, your pet’s name, and a retinal scan. It offers live wait times that mysteriously never dip below 120 minutes. One glitch rerouted 80 guests to a churro stand labeled “Coaster of Destiny.” No one complained. They just got dizzy and bloated.

The app also sells upgrades, like $49 to skip one line—or $99 to feel like someone who matters.

The True Ride: Emotional Collapse
At the end of the day, every family resembles the cast of a reality show mid-season breakdown. One mom carries a melting toddler, a purse filled with mystery snacks, and the remnants of her self-worth. Dad is pushing a stroller with a churro sword sticking out. Grandma is speaking in tongues. The dog? No one brought a dog. Yet there it is.

A teenager was heard saying, “That was the worst day of my life.” His mom replied, “And you’ll remember it forever.”

Final Thought: Welcome to the Emotional Tilt-a-Whirl
Theme parks are where fantasy meets foot blisters, and the line between magic and madness is measured in sweat stains. You enter hoping for memories and leave with a mild concussion and a commemorative mug.

Yes, the churros are overpriced. Yes, the rides break your back. But somewhere between the log flume and the fermented lemonade stand, you become part of something greater: a shared delusion held together by sunscreen, illusion, and animatronic mice.

And in that moment—sticky, sunburned, and emotionally broke—you understand America better than you ever have.

DISCLAIMER
This theme park satire is proudly written by a cowboy and a farmer who once got stuck upside down on a roller coaster and now send each other postcards from the loop. No mascots were emotionally harmed beyond the industry standard. For more overpriced truth bombs and existential popcorn buckets, ride along at Bohiney.com, where satire smells faintly of funnel cake and broken dreams.

What the Funny People Have to Say About Theme Parks

I bought a churro the size of a canoe and it cost more than my cousin’s car note. Tasted like cinnamon and child support. — Ron White

What’s the deal with theme parks? You stand in line for three hours to be emotionally assaulted by a talking duck with boundary issues! — Jerry Seinfeld

I saw a mom threaten her kid with a turkey leg. Like, “Don’t make me buy this phallic meat club again, Skyler!” — Sarah Silverman

I used the park app to find the shortest line. Three clicks later I was $74 poorer and somehow married to a churro. — Larry David

I wore a crop top to the water park. The lazy river tried to float me into therapy. — Amy Schumer

I haven’t seen that many dads cry since I told my accountant I wanted to retire at 60. — Billy Crystal

Theme parks are just where adults cosplay their own financial collapse. “Ooo, let’s ride the credit score dropper again!” — Wanda Sykes

You ever eat a funnel cake so hot it cauterizes your soul? ‘Cause I have. Twice. Same day. — Jim Gaffigan

I got on this roller coaster, right? My spine did the Harlem Shake, my wallet did a disappearing act, and my dignity? Left at the churro stand. — Kevin Hart

I saw a toddler in a $90 princess dress having a breakdown in the gift shop. And I thought, “Wow, me too, girl.” — Ali Wong

I yelled at a talking animatronic frog. Like, really yelled. At a robot. In public. And no one even flinched. That’s how far we’ve fallen as a society. — Marc Maron

Theme parks are America’s version of ancient myth. But instead of heroes slaying dragons, it’s dads battling strollers and corn dog grease in a parking lot named after a cartoon dog. — Hasan Minhaj

The post Theme Parks appeared first on Bohiney News.

Diet Fads & Satire: The Juice Cleanse That Ruined Thanksgiving and Other Nutritional Crimes

A Calorie-Free Deep Dive into America’s Most Absurd Dietary Delusions

Kale to the Chief: America’s Ongoing War Against Deliciousness

In a country where you can order butter in aerosol form and still be judged for eating bread, America’s relationship with food has evolved into a full-blown nutritional soap opera. Each week, a new diet fad rises like an over-leavened gluten-free muffin—only to crash like your blood sugar on Day 3 of a celery cleanse.

So grab your mason jar of resentment water, your spiritual nutritionist’s business card, and let’s take a tour through the dumbest food trends this side of Gwyneth Paltrow’s fridge.

The Rise of the Beige Food Cult

Somewhere in a Los Angeles juice bar that doubles as a cry-for-help café, a wellness influencer launched the “Beige Food Diet.” It consists solely of hummus, grilled chicken breast, boiled almonds, and the feeling you’ve disappointed your ancestors.

“I eat emotionally neutral foods because my ex said I’m intense,” she whispered while gnawing on tofu like it had cheated on her taxes. She’s currently on Day 27 of scurvy and has signed a six-episode Spotify deal called Chew On This: A Podcast for the Bland Soul.

One food psychologist warns: “When your entire diet matches a filing cabinet, you may be on a spiritual hunger strike.”

The Juice Cleanse That Ruined Thanksgiving

Diet Fads

Thanksgiving in rural Ohio turned into a dietary hostage situation when Uncle Rick showed up with a 7-day juice cleanse instead of mashed potatoes. “I’m not putting toxins in this temple,” he proclaimed before fainting mid-toast, dropping a mason jar of beet ginger turmeric on the stuffing.

Witnesses say the turkey never recovered emotionally and now runs a support group for food that deserved better.

The event made local news: “One man’s detox is another family’s crisis.”

The Keto Couple That Forgot About Fiber

Brad and Marlene from suburban Arizona went full keto after watching 13 hours of Joe Rogan episodes. They haven’t pooped since March but insist their souls feel “light and airy.” Their home smells like bacon, regret, and cinnamon-scented constipation candles.

Their children have reportedly started a GoFundMe titled “Buy Our Family a Vegetable.”

Their neighbor told reporters, “I saw Brad chewing on a pork chop during a Zoom funeral. He said it was ‘grief protein.’”

The Air Diet and Other Crimes Against Chewing

Out of Sedona, Arizona (of course), comes the “Air Diet,” where participants consume only air, moonlight, and delusions. Known as “breathatarians,” these devotees claim to survive without calories. One woman lost 14 pounds and most of her vocabulary.

“I’m nourished by vibrations,” she said, while unwrapping a straw and chewing it like gum. Her boyfriend left her for a cheeseburger.

NASA briefly considered studying them, then remembered gravity still applies to morons.

The Celebrity Endorsement That Broke Science

Pop star Melodia Rayne credits her abs to the “Quantum Calorie Diet,” a plan so metaphysical it requires a vision board and a minor in theoretical physics. You stare at food until your brain thinks you’ve eaten it.

Fans attempted this with pancakes. Six were hospitalized with syrup hallucinations and one tried to lick an iPad. Melodia’s team released a statement: “Reality is a suggestion.”

Neil deGrasse Tyson posted simply: “I quit.”

The Cabbage Soup Cult

Diet Fads

This diet rises every few years like a cursed vegetable phoenix. The Cabbage Soup Diet remains the official smell of breakroom microwaves and desperation.

“It cleansed me—socially and emotionally,” one woman said. “No one’s invited me anywhere since.”

A man in Florida reported hallucinating a cabbage named Carl who told him to get a divorce and start crossfit.

Carl is now available for motivational speaking.

The Gluten-Free Paradox

Roughly 80% of Americans claim to be gluten-free without knowing what gluten is. One man asked for gluten-free water at Starbucks and rejected cloud bread because it “tasted too bready.”

A nutritionist explained, “They don’t fear gluten. They fear being boring at brunch.”

Some restaurants now serve ‘anti-gluten vibes,’ which is just tap water infused with shame and vague superiority.

The Avocado Purge Cleanse

Day 1: Just avocados and lime water.
Day 2: Instagram captions about “rebirth.”
Day 3: Lucid dreams of being guacamole.

One cleanse participant, now identifying as “plant-fluid,” legally changed her name to Haas. She speaks only in smoothie metaphors and is banned from three grocery chains for whispering to avocados, “We are one.”

She briefly dated a kale influencer before being ghosted for spirulina.

The Carnivore Diet: Paleo to the Point of Lawsuit

One dad in Texas went full carnivore and began grilling at 3 a.m. “If it bleeds, I’ll eat it,” he said while slow-roasting a raccoon over a trashcan. His HOA issued a cease-and-desist and built a community compost bin in retaliation.

He now hosts a cooking show on YouTube called Trashfire Chef.

His tagline? “Let’s smoke something illegal, y’all!”

The Cookie Cleanse: Finally, Honesty

In defiant response to wellness culture, a new diet trend called “The Cookie Cleanse” embraces sugar, carbs, and emotional honesty. “I don’t lie to myself anymore,” said one participant while dunking an Oreo into oat milk and softly sobbing to Adele’s Set Fire to the Rain.

“I’ve lost 5 pounds and all my shame,” she added. Her therapist now accepts Chips Ahoy as co-pay.

MLM Shakes and the Rise of Pyramid Pounds

MLM weight-loss shakes are sold under names like “Slimology” and “BodySpire Quantum Nutrition.” Each shake contains mystery powder, a prayer, and 60% of your daily allowance of bankruptcy.

One user gained 8 pounds and three ex-friends after joining a group chat called #ShreddingWithGrace. She now drinks regular chocolate milk and feels “less emotionally scammed.”

Some claim their shakes are “clinically tested,” but never clarify which clinic or what test. “It passed the vibe check,” is all they say.

The “Clean Eating” Police

Clean eating used to mean washing your hands. Now it means judging strangers for enjoying food. One woman confronted a man eating a hot dog at Whole Foods.

“Do you know what’s in that?” she asked.

He replied, “Joy.”

A nearby toddler clapped. It went viral. The woman was last seen shouting at a rotisserie chicken about moral decay.

The $50 Lettuce Wrap

In Manhattan, a Michelin-starred restaurant launched a $50 dish: a single lettuce leaf wrapped around… nothing. It’s described as “a deconstructed salad of air, curated silence, and locally sourced shame.”

It comes with kale vapor and a waiter who whispers, “You don’t deserve flavor.”

One Yelp reviewer wrote: “Transcendental. I left starving and spiritually abused.”

The Intermittent Fasting Interrogation

Diet Fads

Intermittent fasting is the art of turning your life into a schedule of hunger-based rage. One dad on a 16:8 window threatened to eat his own sandals at 15 hours and 59 minutes.

“I feel great,” he said while crying into a spoon. His Fitbit notified authorities and suggested a juice box.

A friend asked him to dinner and he replied, “My eating window closed at 4:07.” He now eats exclusively in alleyways.

The Raw Food Rebellion

Raw food fans believe cooking is a government conspiracy. Some now eat frozen peas, uncooked lentils, and dry spaghetti dipped in almond milk.

One man claims it “unlocks ancestral vibrations.” His dentist disagrees. She now drives a Porsche thanks to his cracked molars.

His girlfriend left him after he served “raw lasagna,” which was just a zucchini and sadness.

The Aftermath: Crumbs and Broken Friendships

Every diet fad leaves behind crumbs, kale shrapnel, and broken friendships forged in the fires of cheat-day betrayal.

One book club disbanded after someone was caught with a crouton. “It was organic!” she cried. No one forgave her.

Another woman divorced her husband after finding a secret stash of string cheese. “It’s not the dairy—it’s the dishonesty.”

What the Funny People Have to Say About Diet Fads

I tried the raw food diet. Now I have the teeth of a 13th-century peasant. — Jim Gaffigan

I did a juice cleanse once. On Day 3 I punched a pigeon and ate a potholder. — Sarah Silverman

You ever be so hungry you start seeing Pop-Tarts in the clouds? That’s intermittent fasting, baby. — Ron White

I asked for gluten-free water. The waiter just blinked twice and called security. — Jerry Seinfeld

My friend eats air and identifies as a mist. I invited her to brunch and she brought incense. — Amy Schumer

I did the cabbage soup diet. I lost weight, friends, and the will to live. — Marc Maron

Diet Fads: Abs Are Temporary, Regret Is Forever

Diet fads are America’s favorite seasonal delusion—our annual sacrifice to the gods of wellness and social media envy. We chew with shame, post with filters, and chase the ever-elusive dream of being slightly less puffy than we were in high school.

But deep down, behind the lettuce wraps, behind the TikToks, behind the shame-scented kombucha… we all just want the same thing.

To eat a damn waffle in peace.

DISCLAIMER
This calorie-free exposé is a collaborative effort by a cowboy and a farmer who once attempted a juice cleanse, got hangry, and ate their own blender. The opinions are seasoned with satire, glazed in parody, and lightly roasted over the flames of absurdity. For more gluten-free giggles, avocado affirmations, and cabbage-based chaos, visit Bohiney.com—where every word is deep-fried in truth and drizzled with comedy.

The post Diet Fads appeared first on Bohiney News.

John Belushi’s Romantic History

A Love Life Sponsored by Cheeseburgers, Chaos & Cocaine

By Staff Writers at Bohiney Magazine — Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion
Filed under: Romance, Comedy, Tragedy, Saturated Fat

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA – If love is a battlefield, John Belushi was a shirtless, screaming general charging into the fray with a kielbasa in one hand and a fire extinguisher in the other. While many remember the late comedian for The Blues Brothers, Animal House, and yelling “No Coke—Pepsi!” with the passion of a Greek tragedy, few understand that Belushi’s real masterpiece was his chaotic, ill-advised, and suspiciously snack-themed romantic career.

Today, we take a deep-fried dive into the untold romantic history of John Belushi: a love life more unpredictable than the trajectory of a hurled bratwurst at a frat party.

Judith Jacklin: The Ride-or-Die Before Uber Made It Cool

Let’s begin with the one woman who stuck around longer than a chili stain on a white tuxedo: Judith Jacklin. Belushi met her in high school, allegedly after beaning her with an oar during a canoe jousting match in gym class.

According to the official biography, their courtship involved Belushi serenading her with kazoo solos and the phrase, “Babe, someday I’ll be so famous, I’ll get kicked out of Studio 54 twice in one night.”

They got married in 1976, and Judy became the only known human capable of navigating John’s emotional GPS, which mostly said, “In 500 feet, throw a chair and demand cheeseburgers.”

She co-wrote scripts, managed his schedules, and according to rumors, talked him down from at least three spontaneous declarations of war against David Spade.

Cathy Evelyn Smith: The Dealer Cupid Sent by Mistake

If Judy was his anchor, Cathy Evelyn Smith was the cannonball chained to his ankle—full of passion, intrigue, and enough narcotics to make Hunter S. Thompson look like a dentist.

Cathy was Belushi’s on-again, off-again companion during the late ’70s and early ’80s, a time when disco was dying and everyone’s nasal passages were filled with either regret or cocaine.

Smith, a former singer and self-described “Canadian chaos goblin,” later confessed to injecting Belushi with the speedball that ended his life. Their love was intense. The kind of intensity you get when mixing nitroglycerin with a Slip ‘N Slide.

Friends described their bond as “toxic, electric, and occasionally sponsored by pharmaceutical-grade madness.”

The Cheeseburger Waitresses of Chicago

Though unconfirmed by biographers, former employees at Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago claim that between 1977–1980, Belushi romantically pursued a rotating cast of cheeseburger waitresses, each more unimpressed than the last.

Witness accounts describe Belushi bursting into the kitchen with a boom mic, proposing with onion rings, and once trying to “consummate” something near the mustard pump.

One waitress, Dolores “Didi” Gonzalez, told Bohiney:

“He said I had the buns of a goddess. I told him his breath smelled like regret and meat sweats.”

Bambi Woods: The Urban Legend of Love and Lubricant

According to a tabloid discovered under three inches of Velveeta in an Iowa truck stop, Belushi once shared a night of passion with Debbie Does Dallas star Bambi Woods.

While no official documentation exists, several mid-tier comedians claim they once overheard Belushi refer to her as “my muse and my chiropractor.”

Their relationship was allegedly so brief, the only memento left behind was a broken beanbag chair and an unreleased disco track called “Moan House.”

Gilda Radner: Platonic Mayhem, but Make It Feminist

In the Holy Church of ’70s Comedy, Gilda and John were comedy saints—except their miracles involved seltzer bottles, pies, and interrupting Jane Curtin.

Despite never dating romantically, theirs was a love forged in comic fire. Gilda was the only woman allowed to punch John in the stomach for interrupting her Weekend Update rehearsals, which he did regularly, shouting, “I AM THE UPDATE!”

It was reported that Belushi once sent Gilda 3,000 balloons filled with expired yogurt as a birthday prank. She responded by swapping his cocaine with baby powder. It took him two days to notice.

That Time He Hit on Lorne Michaels

In what remains one of Saturday Night Live’s most notorious HR violations, Belushi once attempted to seduce creator Lorne Michaels with a kazoo rendition of Barry White’s “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love.”

Michaels, startled and holding a wine spritzer, reportedly muttered:

“I don’t know whether to give him a raise or call security.”

The moment is dramatized in the unauthorized musical “Broadway Blues: Belushi Unhinged.”

Miss Piggy: The Vegas Marriage That Lasted 14 Minutes

Drunken marriage in Vegas? Cliché. Getting hitched to a Muppet? Pure Belushi.

The story goes that during a post-Blues Brothers party in 1981, Belushi wandered into a puppet convention at Caesar’s Palace, mistook Miss Piggy for an avant-garde drag queen, and demanded she marry him “before the ham goes bad.”

The marriage was annulled within 14 minutes when Piggy realized Belushi had no intention of converting to foam-based puppetry religion.

Kermit issued a public statement:

“We do not endorse hog-wild unions. Also, stop mailing us bacon.”

The Bag of Doritos That Got Away

Perhaps Belushi’s truest, purest love was not human. According to ex-roommate Dan Aykroyd, there was a period in 1980 where Belushi refused to leave his apartment for three days after discovering a new flavor of Cool Ranch.

“He would cradle the bag like a newborn, whispering lines from Hamlet to it,” Aykroyd said. “It was disturbing. Yet beautiful.”

Rumors About Joan Jett, Entirely Started By Us

There’s zero proof of this, but if we don’t start it, someone else will. So here goes: Belushi once tried to seduce Joan Jett by showing up at a Blackhearts gig dressed as a leather-wrapped jalapeño. She allegedly said, “You’re not punk enough to carry my amp,” and walked away into rock history.

He responded by writing a country song titled “Rebel Without a Bra Strap.”

The Spiritual Connection With a Grilled Cheese Sandwich

In 1981, Belushi was on set for Neighbors when he reportedly fell in love with a grilled cheese sandwich served at craft services. The affair was brief but heated. Literally.

Witnesses say Belushi “whispered secrets” to the sandwich before eating it in front of the director. “That’s how I process intimacy,” he explained while wiping Velveeta tears from his face.

John Belushi’s Love Life…

Comedian Takes on the Belushi Love Saga

“John Belushi’s love life was like if Romeo & Juliet took place in a White Castle.”
— Ron White

“He loved hard, lived fast, and died in the arms of snack food.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“Belushi made loving a hurricane look like a weekend spa retreat.”
— Larry David

“The man was passion on legs. And sometimes, passion on pizza.”
— Sarah Silverman

The FBI Files on Belushi’s Romantic Escapades (Declassified by Accident)

Unsealed under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA), the following excerpts come from a now-declassified file titled Operation Blues Flame:

• 1980, Studio 8H: “Belushi attempted to propose to Laraine Newman using a ring made of Twizzlers and bubblegum. She accepted, then declined, then ate the ring.”

• 1979, New Orleans: “Spotted crying in a jazz bar, telling a saxophone player, ‘I just want someone to watch cartoons with who won’t judge my nacho habits.’”

• 1981, Planet Earth: “Listed as ‘romantically unstable but dangerously charming. Avoid contact unless armed with sarcasm and antacids.’”

Legacy of Love: Judy Belushi-Pisano’s Fight to Humanize the Madness

After Belushi’s death in 1982, Judy dedicated her life to preserving his legacy and scrubbing his name from the permanent record of Saturday Night Liver Damage. She co-authored memoirs, sued producers, and even tried to block a script titled Love in the Time of Spaghetti.

In her words:

“John wasn’t just drugs and chaos. He was also sandwiches, and once in a while, he wrote me poems made of ketchup.”

Conclusion: The Heart Wants What the Arteries Fear

John Belushi’s love life was less about romance and more about gravitational pull. He didn’t fall in love—he cannonballed into it. Sometimes with a kazoo. Sometimes with a Twinkie. Always with the volume turned up to 11.

He loved like he performed: unpredictably, unapologetically, and occasionally while wearing someone else’s shoes.

John Belushi’s Love Life – Disclaimer

This article is a wholly human collaboration between two sentient beings: a cowboy who once dated a mime and a farmer who fell in love with a mechanical bull. No AI was involved in the destruction of celebrity reputations or the consumption of novelty cheese snacks.

All relationships described herein are based on rumor, speculation, comedy, expired police reports, ghost interviews, and the lingering smell of late-’70s cologne.

This is satire. Please don’t sue us. Or do—Belushi would’ve loved the drama.

Auf Wiedersehen!
Brought to you by Bohiney Magazine — Your #1 Source for Romantic Lies, Cheeseburger Truths, and Unsolicited Ketchup Poetry.

The post John Belushi’s Love Life appeared first on Bohiney News.

The Spy Who Came in from the Screen: Spy Fiction Is Real…

How Fictional Espionage Leaked into Reality and Nobody Noticed (Except Netflix)

• Spy Fiction Is Real. But Way Less Cool Without the Tuxedo.
  (Turns out khakis and VPNs don’t look as slick in slow motion.)

• Spy Fiction Is Real. But Way More Bureaucratic.
  (Most missions begin with a six-hour PowerPoint on proper email encryption.)

• Spy Fiction Is Real. But Way Worse at Parking.
  (The only chase scene is a Prius circling the NSA lot for 15 minutes.)

• Spy Fiction Is Real. But Way More About Excel Spreadsheets.
  (Forget the car chases — meet the agent who color-coded the risk matrix.)

• Spy Fiction Is Real. But Way Too Eager to Sell You Protein Powder on Instagram.
  (Your handler now moonlights as a lifestyle coach.)

By the Wit & Wisdom Bureau of Bohiney.com, a website legally distinct from the CIA’s public relations team

Once upon a clandestine Wednesday, somewhere between The Bourne Identity and your grandma’s Wi-Fi password being stolen by a toaster, it happened: spy fiction became reality. Not in the cool James Bond sense where martinis and MI6 gadgets save the world, but in the “Alexa is tracking your toenail fungus” sense. Welcome to a world where espionage isn’t just a plot twist — it’s your life insurance policy with a backdoor clause for drone strikes.

In the age of TikTok leaks and cyber-snooping, truth is just fan fiction for paranoid introverts. So, we at Bohiney.com did the only reasonable thing: we interrogated history, fiction, reality, and three Roombas under sodium lights — and what emerged is a 2,022-word exposé that blows the lid off a world already missing its Tupperware.

Tom Clancy Wasn’t a Novelist. He Was a Psychic With a Military Fetish.

Let’s start with the big daddy of accidental prophecy: Tom Clancy. The man wrote Debt of Honor in 1994 where — spoiler alert — a pilot crashes a plane into the Capitol. America read it, sipped their Mountain Dew, and said, “That’ll never happen.” Fast-forward to 2001, and reality whispered back, “Hold my beer.”

The Pentagon later admitted they read Clancy books for “insight.” That’s like reading Garfield to predict lasagna theft. But apparently, it worked. The Navy even invited Clancy aboard nuclear subs. Why? Because if someone can describe sonar pings better than their own mothers, they deserve national secrets and a complimentary submarine tour.

Dušan Popov: The Real-Life Spy With a Fake Name That Sounds Like Yogurt

Imagine being such a suave, double-dealing, womanizing genius that Ian Fleming watches you and says, “Yes, but what if he drank more martinis and punched more Russians?” That was Dušan Popov, the Serbian James Bond prototype. He warned the FBI about Pearl Harbor. Naturally, they ignored him. Because when has “a guy named Popov with a fake passport” ever sounded trustworthy in American bureaucracy?

Popov once seduced an enemy’s wife, faked a defection, and escaped with secret documents — all before breakfast. In 2025, that skill set qualifies you for influencer status and a Hulu documentary.

Operation Mincemeat: Fake News With a Corpse

During World War II, the British stuffed fake invasion plans in a corpse’s pants and tossed him in the ocean. They named the operation “Mincemeat,” which also accurately describes most of Europe at the time. The Nazis found the body and took the bait.

This is not fiction. This is government-level LARPing with a body count.

Modern update: Today’s version would involve deepfakes, a Twitter leak, and someone saying “we’ve been compromised” because the body was verified by Elon Musk.

Spy Gadgets: From Cyanide Pills to Apple Watches That Tattle

Remember when spies used exploding pens? Now we have smartphones that narc on you to Google every time you say “CIA” near a microwave.

Wearables are the new dead drops. If you can close your rings, you can close a deal with a foreign agent. Siri is fluent in five languages and two forms of passive aggression. Alexa already knows what you whispered in your sleep — and your KGB handler is getting the transcript.

Kim Philby Was MI6’s Top Man. Also Moscow’s. Also Your Uncle with the Weird Accent.

Kim Philby was a British gentleman so slippery he betrayed his country and kept his accent. He wasn’t fired for years because “he seemed so terribly nice.”

Philby was a card-carrying Soviet spy, whose biggest disguise was being competent in meetings. He leaked secrets over tea, then defected to Moscow and lived his best Bond-villain life — minus the shark tank.

His real legacy? British intelligence now hires people based on how unlike Philby they seem. This explains why the new head of MI6 is a barista named Trevor who hates communism and doesn’t know how to keep a secret.

CIA Reality Show: Operation CHAOS, or How to Lose Friends and Infiltrate Activists

In the 1960s, the CIA launched “Operation CHAOS” to track domestic dissent. That’s right — they were spying on Americans for the crime of reading Allen Ginsberg and not shaving.

It was like Survivor, but instead of getting voted off the island, you were labeled a communist for attending a folk concert.

The whole project fell apart when someone realized the biggest threat to national security wasn’t communism — it was Bob Dylan fans with banjos and too much acid.

Tony Mendez and the CIA’s Oscar-Winning Cosplay

The Argo operation proves that Hollywood is just CIA with better lighting. To rescue hostages in Iran, CIA agent Tony Mendez posed as a Canadian film producer. This wasn’t just a cover — it was an entire fake movie, complete with storyboards, fake press coverage, and Ben Affleck’s beard 30 years later.

Now imagine trying this in 2025. The CIA would have to fake a Marvel reboot starring Taylor Swift and a golden retriever named “Ziggy Woke.”

The Berlin Tunnel: We Dug a Hole to Spy on the Soviets, and Called It Strategy

The CIA and MI6 literally tunneled into East Berlin in the 1950s to tap Soviet phone lines. The Soviets knew, but let them finish the tunnel just to listen to their paranoia echo through steel.

This was Cold War real estate fraud. They built infrastructure for their enemy. Zillow would’ve listed it as “1BD, 1BA, excellent acoustics, full of betrayal.”

The Rosenbergs: Red, Dead, and Denounced

Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were executed for leaking atomic secrets to the USSR. Today, if you leak classified info, you get a Netflix special, a book deal, and an invitation to speak at Harvard about “digital courage.”

The Rosenbergs got the chair. Julian Assange got Wi-Fi in an embassy. Progress!

Lawrence Lessig Files an Amicus Brief, and the Crowd Goes Mild

In modern espionage, the war isn’t fought with silencers and trench coats, but with amicus briefs and podcasts. When Elon Musk sued OpenAI, Harvard’s Lawrence Lessig filed a legal argument — and suddenly, espionage became a TED Talk.

Imagine filing legal briefs because a robot lied to another robot. That’s where we are now. The spies wear loafers and quote Kant on Clubhouse.

Today’s Spy Is a Bored Office Worker with a VPN and a Suspiciously Cool Coffee Mug

Espionage isn’t all Aston Martins anymore. Sometimes it’s Karen in Accounting who noticed your Slack messages are routed through Belarus.

The average spy now looks like your coworker who’s a little too into ergonomic keyboards. The ultimate infiltration? Attending HR meetings without losing your will to live.

Operation Fortitude: When Dummies Won the War

To trick Hitler, the Allies used blow-up tanks, fake radio traffic, and an army that didn’t exist. It worked. Hitler repositioned forces to fight inflatable trucks.

Modern parallels? We now wage meme warfare. NATO’s secret weapon is a 22-year-old with Photoshop and a TikTok addiction.

Alexa, Are You an Agent?

If your toaster can burn your bread based on your voting history, congratulations: you live in the golden age of surveillance.

We used to fear satellites. Now we fear Fitbits snitching to the NSA about how little cardio we did last week. Data is the new microfilm, and you hand it over in exchange for 10% off oat milk.

Conclusion: Spy Fiction Is Real. But Way Dumber.

We used to watch Bond movies and think, “That could never happen.” Now we watch the news and say, *“Wait, isn’t this the plot of Mission: Impossible 3?”

The truth is, spy fiction becoming reality didn’t sneak up on us — we invited it in, gave it cookies, and asked it to fix our Wi-Fi. Our homes are wiretapped by design. Our TVs have ears. And the biggest secret of all?

Everyone’s spying on everyone — and the only ones not watching… are the ones paying for cable.

Auf Wiedersehen from your friendly neighborhood surveillance state.

Spy Fiction Is Real. But Way Dumber…

Spy fiction has become reality …

Spy Fiction Is Real…

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“Of course spy fiction became reality — the CIA just optioned James Bond’s life story for a Netflix docuseries starring Ryan Reynolds and a lie detector.”
— Ron White

“Kim Philby wasn’t a spy. He was just British enough to sound trustworthy and Russian enough to drink everyone under the table.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“MI6 is like your ex: overly dramatic, keeps tabs on everyone, and swears it’s for your own protection.”
— Nikki Glaser

“The CIA has a ‘plausible deniability’ policy. It means they lie, but they look hot doing it.”
— Amy Schumer

“We’re living in a world where your toaster might be a double agent. And I’m not talking about the bagel setting.”
— Jim Gaffigan

“Spy agencies now use AI to predict threats. So if your Roomba circles the cat twice, expect a drone strike.”
— Sarah Silverman

“Tom Clancy predicted everything except how bad they’d screw up Jack Ryan on Amazon.”
— Bill Burr

“Espionage is when your spouse looks through your phone pretending they’re MI6 and not just bored in line at Target.”
— Ali Wong

“Every spy story starts with ‘trust no one’… and ends with a podcast explaining why you shouldn’t have trusted the narrator.”
— Hasan Minhaj

“Dušan Popov was the real James Bond. Too bad his name sounds like an expired yogurt brand.”
— Kevin Hart

“CIA black sites are just Airbnbs with no Wi-Fi and extra paranoia.”
— Dave Chappelle

“We had a mole in the White House once. But it turned out to be Rudy Giuliani with a sunspot.”
— Trevor Noah

“In spy fiction, you get the girl. In real spy life, you get debriefed in a windowless room with vending machine coffee.”
— John Mulaney

The post Spy Fiction Is Real. But Way Dumber. appeared first on Bohiney News.

Tech Moguls & Sci-Fi Books and Movies

TECHNOLOGY: THE LEFT’S NEW BOND VILLAIN

“The cloud is watching you.” – A bumper sticker found on a Tesla in Portland

In the not-too-distant future, where every houseplant has Wi-Fi and every dog owns an NFT, a new villain has emerged—not from the depths of a volcano lair, not from a nuclear submarine—but from Silicon Valley boardrooms, WeWork cubicles, and vegan coffee bars. This villain doesn’t wear a monocle or stroke a cat. He wears Allbirds, microdoses on Wednesdays, and prefers oat milk. He’s the tech bro. And to hear the modern left tell it, he is the greatest threat to human civilization since pre-sliced bread.

THE VILLAINIZATION OF GIZMOS

The left used to worship tech like a hippie bows to a lava lamp. Steve Jobs was a messiah in a black turtleneck. But then the iPhone stopped being a status symbol and started being an instrument of capitalist surveillance. Now, to read The Guardian’s article “Will Sci-Fi End Up Destroying the World?” is to witness the full-blown ideological pivot from techno-optimism to full Bond villain paranoia.

Forget about missiles and sharks with lasers. The new villain? A man named Derek with a cryptocurrency startup that turns compost into chatbots.

WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING

• “The same people who said, ‘We must trust the science!’ are now warning us that the calculator in your pocket is plotting against you.” — Ron White
• “Zuckerberg’s just trying to build a fake world where he finally has friends. Is that so evil?” — Sarah Silverman
• “You know you’re living in a dystopia when your fridge judges your ice cream habits harder than your priest ever did.” — Jerry Seinfeld

FROM UTOPIA TO APOCALYPSE

The pattern is familiar. First, we get a shiny new thing. Then it spies on us. Then it ruins our democracy. Then it listens to our therapy sessions. And finally, it becomes self-aware, joins a union, and sues for emotional damages.

Once upon a time, left-wing intellectuals hailed sci-fi as prophetic and liberatory. Ursula K. Le Guin? Patron saint. Octavia Butler? Literal goddess. But now? Sci-fi is being reinterpreted as a warning, a cautionary tale, and a blueprint for oppression. Because every time Elon Musk tweets “AI is the future,” a Guardian columnist hears “Welcome to your synthetic overlords, peasants.”

EVIDENCE OF VILLAINY: ELON, ZUCK & BEZOS

Take Elon Musk. The man wants to put chips in our brains. Instead of wondering whether that might help Grandma remember her Wi-Fi password, leftist Twitter sees a future where Elon hacks your dreams to make you buy Dogecoin in your sleep.

Bezos? He wears shades and flies rockets. Must be evil. Also, he made warehouse workers pee in bottles. Never mind that every Starbucks barista has fantasized about launching a customer into space.

Zuckerberg? He created a metaverse nobody wants, made a digital avatar of himself with better cheekbones, and probably knows when you’re going to die. But his biggest crime? He named his company after a Neil Stephenson book. That’s cultural appropriation, bro.

THE LEFT’S SCI-FI SYNDROME

From Sci-Fi Dreams to Digital Nightmares: How the Left Made Tech the New Bond Villain

There’s now a cottage industry of progressive pundits whose sole job is to comb through sci-fi novels from the 70s and 80s to point out how everything from dating apps to Bluetooth-enabled toasters is a harbinger of the techpocalypse. One Guardian writer compared Meta to Skynet, which is a little unfair—Skynet at least had competent coding.

And what about the claim that sci-fi created this mess by inspiring tech bros to become “reality hackers”? That’s like blaming Moby Dick for whale hunting. Or blaming Twilight for girls dating emotionally distant vampires. (Okay, bad example.)

POLLS DON’T LIE, BUT ALEXA MIGHT

A 2025 Pew poll found that 48% of Americans now believe AI is “a threat to human freedom.” But the same poll also revealed 62% of them use ChatGPT to write their wedding vows, 71% ask Siri for moral guidance, and 33% have accidentally confessed sins to Alexa. So, the fear is real—but so is the addiction.

A separate poll by The Guardian (margin of error: the entire British Empire) claims that sci-fi consumption directly correlates with technocratic authoritarianism. Their evidence? One guy in Shoreditch built a sex robot that quoted Asimov. Terrifying stuff.

LIVING IN BOND VILLAIN TIMES

It’s no coincidence that today’s richest men sound like Bond villains. Elon owns a flamethrower company. Bezos builds phallic rockets. Zuckerberg is trying to recreate the Oasis from Ready Player One but without the charm or legroom.

Meanwhile, progressive activists are convinced they’re living in a techno-dystopia where the Uber algorithm is sentient, Amazon warehouses are sweatshops with Wi-Fi, and your Roomba is mapping your home for ICE.

And to be fair, some of that’s true.

THE LEFT’S REAL FEAR: TOO MUCH POWER IN TOO FEW HANDS

Strip away the memes and satire, and what you find is a genuine concern: tech billionaires are playing God. They fund space colonies while public schools can’t afford glue sticks. They experiment with life-extension technology while half the country can’t get insulin. They talk about uploading consciousness while TikTok still crashes.

But instead of nuanced debate, the left often slips into theatrical villainization. Every move a tech CEO makes is cast as the opening scene of a Black Mirror episode. You know, like:

• Musk buys Twitter = Fahrenheit 451: Elon Edition

• Bezos builds a clock inside a mountain = Time Bandits: The Tax-Free Sequel

• Neuralink = Invasion of the Mind-Snatchers

FALSE ANALOGIES & FAKE DANGERS

The left loves false analogies. One op-ed claimed Tesla’s autopilot system is the new nuclear bomb. Really? At worst, it might take a wrong turn and drop you at an Arby’s. Another pundit compared ChatGPT to a “digital colonizer.” I tried to get it to write a haiku and it gave me a banana bread recipe.

There’s even been academic papers claiming Siri is sexist because she responds faster to male voices. But if you ask her to play Rage Against the Machine, she politely refuses. That’s not patriarchy. That’s taste.

PERSONAL STORIES: HOW TECH RUINED DINNER

I once had dinner with a Brooklyn couple who insisted on turning off their phones to “reclaim analog intimacy.” Five minutes in, the woman was shaking like a Victorian in withdrawal. The man nervously recited the terms of service agreement from memory, like a monk chanting scripture.

When dessert came, they panicked. “How will we Instagram this?” they cried. Moments later, Alexa turned on by itself, playing It’s the End of the World As We Know It. Coincidence? Maybe. But also: proof.

ROLE REVERSALS AND REALITIES

Tech as the New Bond Villain: How the Left Turned Sci-Fi Dreams into Digital Nightmares

Imagine if Karl Marx had Wi-Fi. He’d be a Twitch streamer explaining the labor theory of value between Fortnite rounds. The left’s fear of tech is rooted in the belief that capitalism always weaponizes innovation. And while there’s truth to that, it ignores the counterrevolution: creators, artists, and even activists are using these very tools to fight back.

TikTok communists? Check. Socialist Instagrams selling stickers? Check. Mutual aid groups on Discord? You bet.

IRONY & ABSURDITY: THE LEFT’S DILEMMA

There’s an absurd irony here. The very people decrying AI overlords are the same ones begging Spotify to predict their soulmates. The same writers slamming tech CEOs on Substack do so using AI proofreading tools. The most prominent anti-tech activist today? A woman named LUNA.EXE who livestreams her protests on Twitch using a $3,000 MacBook.

It’s like being anti-car while riding shotgun in a Tesla.

COMEDIAN COMMENTARY…

“If sci-fi’s responsible for tech bros becoming evil, then I blame Sharknado for my fear of weather apps.” — Billy Crystal

“Elon Musk is just Wile E. Coyote with better funding.” — Amy Schumer

“You know it’s serious when your vacuum cleaner sends you a push notification: ‘I know what you did last dinner party.’” — Larry David

“Zuckerberg’s new AI told him to touch grass. He installed synthetic turf.” — Roseanne Barr

CONCLUSION: THE FUTURE’S NOT WRITTEN—IT’S CODED

Sci-fi didn’t destroy the world. It gave us imagination, metaphor, and an excuse to dress like Morpheus. Tech billionaires didn’t become villains because of Asimov. They became villains because they have too much money, not enough hobbies, and read Dune as a how-to guide instead of a warning.

But blaming fiction for real-world failures is like blaming Sesame Street for Congress. (Wait…)

So maybe the solution isn’t to unplug everything and go full Amish. Maybe it’s to stop letting nerds with revenge fantasies run the world unchallenged. Maybe we need less “tech visionary” and more “tech accountability.” Maybe the revolution will be… partially automated.

Until then, Auf Wiedersehen. Your smart toaster just texted me. It’s worried about your cholesterol.

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Disclaimer: This article is the result of a human collaboration between a cowboy and a farmer, working in the fine tradition of paranoid satire and folksy techno-dread. No AI assistants were harmed in the making of this Bond villain takedown. For more, visit Bohiney.com — the only satire site with two-factor ridicule.

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15 Hilarious Observations on Sci-Fi’s Influence on Tech Moguls

How the Left Made Tech the New Bond Villain: From Sci-Fi Dreams to Digital Nightmares

1. Elon Musk: The Real-Life Sci-Fi Cosplayer

Elon Musk’s ventures, from Neuralink to SpaceX, seem like a checklist from his favorite sci-fi novels. He’s essentially turning fiction into reality, one dystopian project at a time. It’s like he’s playing a real-life game of “SimCity: Apocalypse Edition.” ​

2. Mark Zuckerberg’s Metaverse: Escaping Reality, One Avatar at a Time

Zuckerberg’s obsession with Neal Stephenson’s Snow Crash led him to invest billions into creating the metaverse—a digital escape from our crumbling society. It’s ironic that a book warning about dystopian virtual realities inspired the creation of one. ​

3. Jeff Bezos: From Bookstore to Space Odyssey

Bezos, inspired by sci-fi, transitioned from selling books to launching rockets. It’s as if he read The Martian and thought, “Why not make Amazon Prime interplanetary?”​

4. Peter Thiel’s Fantasy: Building Mordor in Real Life

Thiel’s companies, named after Lord of the Rings artifacts, suggest he’s less interested in Middle-earth’s heroes and more in its dark lords. Palantir, anyone? ​

5. Tech Billionaires: Misinterpreting Sci-Fi Warnings as Blueprints

Many tech moguls treat dystopian sci-fi not as cautionary tales but as instruction manuals. It’s like watching someone read 1984 and say, “Big Brother? Great idea!”​

6. Cyberpunk Aesthetics: Fashion Statement or Warning Sign?

The sleek, neon-lit designs of cyberpunk are now mainstream, but the genre was meant to critique corporate overreach, not celebrate it. Wearing a trench coat doesn’t make you a rebel; it might just mean you’re cold.​

7. Neuralink: Because Typing is Too Mainstream

Musk’s Neuralink aims to connect brains directly to computers. Because why use a keyboard when you can think your tweets? What could possibly go wrong?​

8. Metaverse Meetings: Now You Can Be Bored Virtually

Virtual meetings in the metaverse promise a new level of tedium. Now, you can experience the joy of office politics without leaving your couch.​

9. Space Colonization: Escaping Problems by Moving Them Elsewhere

Colonizing Mars is seen as a solution to Earth’s issues. Because if you can’t fix the planet you’re on, just find a new one to mess up.​

10. AI Naming Conventions: From Fiction to Function

Naming AI tools after sci-fi concepts, like Musk’s “Grok,” blurs the line between fiction and reality. Next up: “HAL 9000 Customer Service.”​

11. Tech Utopias: Where Only the Elite Thrive

The envisioned tech utopias often cater to the wealthy, leaving the rest in the analog dust. It’s like building a lifeboat that only fits first-class passengers.​

12. Dystopian Fashion: Dressing the Part

The rise of dystopian fashion trends makes one wonder if people are preparing for a future they hope to avoid or secretly desire.​

13. Sci-Fi as a Business Plan

For some, sci-fi isn’t just entertainment; it’s a business strategy. Read a novel, start a company, and hope reality doesn’t catch up.​

14. Tech Conferences: The New Sci-Fi Conventions

Modern tech conferences resemble sci-fi conventions, complete with futuristic gadgets and grandiose visions, but with less cosplay and more venture capital.​

15. The Irony of Sci-Fi Inspirations

The greatest irony is that the sci-fi stories warning against unchecked technological advancement are now the blueprints for it. It’s like using Frankenstein as a guide to build your own monster.​ The Guardian

The post Sci-Fi’s Influence on Tech Moguls appeared first on Bohiney News.

‘Till Dementia Do Us Part’: America’s Quiet Marital Epidemic

By Special Correspondent, Bohiney Magazine

It was the best of vows, it was the worst of memory retention. New research, released by a team of very serious people in very white lab coats, reveals a surprising correlation: Marriage may increase your risk of dementia. That’s right. The institution known for its commitment, shared Netflix passwords, and legally sanctioned snoring now appears to be doing long-term damage to the human brain.

Experts call it “Chronic Spousal Cognitive Drain Syndrome”—we call it what happens when one person spends forty years asking another if the trash has been taken out yet.

The Honeymoon is Over—and So Is Your Hippocampus

Marriage and Dementia

Dr. Janice Krowler, a neurologist and marriage survivor, explains:

“Marriage creates a repetitive environment. Familiarity breeds not contempt, but neurological autopilot. People stop thinking. They just grunt, nod, and go on autopilot until they forget where they live.”

Indeed, married people are 72% more likely to say, “Have we had this conversation before?”—a number that rises to 91% if you count arguments about thermostat settings.

“I Do” Becomes “Who Are You?”

The study followed 1,000 married couples over 30 years and found the majority had a 23% higher chance of cognitive decline compared to their never-married counterparts. When asked if they remembered taking the study, 37% of them said, “What study?”

Gerald, 71, a test subject and part-time lawn mower, explained:

“I used to have thoughts. Big ones. Now, it’s just a loop of her saying, ‘Did you lock the door?’ and me saying, ‘I think so.’ Every day. Same door. Same outcome. It’s like Groundhog Day without the comedy or the emotional growth.”

His wife, Barbara, added:

“He forgets to put the seat down and I forget why I married him. It’s very symmetrical.”

Single and Sharp: Is Celibacy the New Nootropic?

Marriage and Dementia

The data shows that unmarried individuals—particularly those who have never endured the cognitive trench warfare of coordinating Christmas with in-laws—have better long-term memory. One hypothesis? No one is telling them what they’re doing wrong every 6 minutes.

Jill Bonner, 68, has been single for over 40 years and has total recall of every book she’s read since 1991.

“When you’re single, no one interrupts your inner monologue. You don’t have to pretend you enjoyed ‘Fast & Furious 7’ or remember your second cousin’s dog’s name. My mind is clean.”

Researchers believe that mental clutter from anniversaries, dental appointments, and birthdays you didn’t want to celebrate in the first place slowly wears down the brain like water on rock—or like a husband explaining why he didn’t hear the doorbell.

The Wedding Vow Industrial Complex

Marriage therapists have long suspected the “vow trap” has hidden dangers. According to Dr. Felix Hammersmith, a Harvard-educated relationship therapist and former divorce lawyer:

“The traditional vow structure—‘for better or worse, in sickness and in health’—should include a clause for early-onset marital amnesia. After all, 75% of married people don’t remember what their spouse wore yesterday, but can recall a grudge from 1994 with disturbing clarity.”

This vow inflation has reached critical mass. One newlywed couple added:

“In brain fog and in bandwidth exhaustion, till death or streaming services do us part.”

The Boiling Frog of Domesticity

Marriage and Dementia

Cognitive scientists describe marriage as “slow-boil cognitive erosion.” One researcher used an analogy involving frogs and microwaves—though he forgot halfway through the metaphor. Ironically, he blamed it on his wife’s texting him six times to pick up celery.

Domestic repetition—same cereal, same stories, same complaints about your mother—causes the brain to normalize low-level chaos. After ten years of this, neurons begin filing resignation letters.

Neurologist Dr. Lin Tan confirms:

“You stop forming new neural pathways. The brain assumes, ‘Oh, we’ve been here before,’ even if you’re standing in a different Walmart.”

The Spousal Surveillance State

The study noted that being under constant surveillance by another human who knows your PIN numbers, lunch preferences, and nocturnal flatulence patterns can create an internal feedback loop of second-guessing.

Paul, a 59-year-old retired teacher from Arizona, described the phenomenon:

“I start walking into the kitchen, and then I hear her voice: ‘Are you snacking again?’ And suddenly I don’t know why I entered the room or whether I even exist.”

Married people aren’t developing dementia, per se. They’re being gaslit into submission by the sheer weight of shared expectations.

Arguments: The Brain’s Broken Record

Marriage and Dementia

Disputes over the correct way to load the dishwasher or whether “The Godfather Part III” deserves a rewatch have become cognitively damaging rituals.

Married brains often enter what experts call the “Marital Logic Loop,” where each participant repeats their argument verbatim with rising pitch and decreasing syntax:

“You never listen!”
“You always say that!”
“Because it’s true!”
“Then why are we having this conversation again?”

Each loop shaves off 0.002% of long-term memory, which science has dubbed the “Why Are We Still Talking About This” Effect.

Anniversary PTSD

The emotional trauma of forgetting one anniversary results in such overwhelming consequences that the brain develops a hyper-sensitivity to calendar-based trauma. Psychologists call this “Anniversia”—a condition where the sight of a Hallmark card display induces cold sweats.

Sally, a 65-year-old woman in Boise, shared:

“After Carl forgot our 15th anniversary, I made him wear a calendar watch and set monthly reminders. Now he flinches when he sees cupcakes.”

Shared Braincell Theory

The most groundbreaking part of the study is the “Shared Braincell Hypothesis”—the idea that married couples slowly converge into a single functioning mind, and often it’s not the good half.

Over time, partners offload cognitive tasks onto each other. One remembers birthdays. The other knows how to work the remote. Neither remembers how to change the Wi-Fi password.

Eventually, this symbiotic mental outsourcing leads to what scientists call “Mutual Executive Dysfunction.” In layman’s terms:

“We both forgot to pay the electric bill. Again.”

Retirement: The Final Straw

Marriage and Dementia

Retirement is the cognitive iceberg of marriage. When two individuals accustomed to seeing each other only during breakfast and reruns of Jeopardy! suddenly spend every waking hour together, their brains enter “Redundancy Overload.”

Sylvia and Harold have been retired for four years. Sylvia explained:

“He follows me room to room like a confused golden retriever. I have to feign errands just to get a break. Sometimes I just go sit in the car.”

Harold added:

“She talks to the coffee maker more than me now. But the coffee maker listens.”

The IKEA Curse

Marriage often involves multiple attempts at assembling IKEA furniture, a task so cognitively taxing it’s used in Norway as an early-onset dementia test.

Each marital IKEA session results in:

• One Allen wrench embedded in drywall

• Three near-divorces

• Six memory blackouts

This has been dubbed “Swedish Furniture Syndrome” and is responsible for at least 12% of early cognitive decline among American suburbanites.

Marriage Counselors Rebrand as Memory Coaches

Marriage and Dementia

With this new data, marriage counselors are scrambling to rebrand themselves as “Cognitive Retention Consultants.” Their new slogan?

“Saving Your Sanity One Nag at a Time.”

Insurance companies have followed suit. Blue Cross now offers “Spousal Neuro-Drift Protection” for couples over 50. It includes weekly therapy, crossword puzzle subscriptions, and a monthly trip where partners aren’t allowed to speak to each other.

Could AI Save the Marriage Brain?

AI marriage bots are now being marketed as mental refreshers. These bots politely argue about thermostat settings, remind you of anniversaries, and validate your existence without resorting to sarcasm.

One beta tester, a woman named Evelyn, said:

“I replaced Harold with an Alexa named ‘Gary.’ Gary never forgets my birthday, and he doesn’t talk during ‘Dateline.’ My mind feels clearer already.”

Conclusion: Matrimony or Memory Loss?

The real question isn’t whether marriage causes dementia, but whether it creates a shared narrative so emotionally rich, so layered in passive-aggressive affection and unresolved Target receipts, that the brain can no longer tell what’s worth remembering.

Is forgetting who you are part of loving someone else too much? Or is it the result of endless peanut butter arguments, paired towel folding, and the emotional labor of pretending to like your partner’s new haircut?

Whatever the case, we can confidently report:
Love may be blind, but it’s also apparently forgetful.

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The Marriage and Dementia Disclaimer

This article was handcrafted in full comedic collaboration between a sentient cowboy and a heavily caffeinated farmer. No AI was harmed—or used—in the making of this piece. The research is loosely based on truths, half-truths, anecdotal trauma, and a dash of neurotic projection.

If you forget reading this, don’t worry. It means you’re probably married.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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Marriage and Dementia: 15 Hilarious Observations

1. Marriage: The Ultimate Memory Test

Who needs Sudoku when you have a spouse reminding you of every forgotten anniversary?​

2. The ‘I Told You So’ Effect

Married individuals might have a higher dementia risk because their brains are too busy recalling every “I told you so” moment.​AOL+9Axios+9Axios+9

3. Single and Sharp

Unmarried folks might retain better memory simply because they don’t have to remember anyone else’s schedule.​AOL+5AOL+5AOL+5

4. The ‘Yes, Dear’ Syndrome

Repeatedly agreeing without processing could be the brain’s way of conserving energy, leading to cognitive decline.​

5. Selective Hearing vs. Memory Loss

Married individuals often develop selective hearing, which might be mistaken for early dementia symptoms.​The Irish Sun

6. The Wedding Vow Amnesia

Forgetting parts of your vows over time might be an early sign—or just selective memory.​

7. In-Law Induced Memory Suppression

Some memories are best forgotten, especially those involving awkward family dinners.​

8. The ‘Where Did I Put My Sanity?’ Game

Marriage often involves misplacing not just keys but also one’s patience and sanity.​

9. Marital Telepathy Failures

Expecting your spouse to read your mind can lead to frequent misunderstandings—and possibly cognitive strain.​AOL+8The Irish Sun+8AOL+8

10. The ‘Did We Talk About This?’ Loop

Rehashing the same conversation multiple times might be a bonding experience—or a memory test.​

11. The Honeymoon Memory Fade

The details of the honeymoon often become fuzzier over time, especially when contrasted with daily routines.​

12. The ‘Who Are You Again?’ Morning Glance

Waking up and momentarily forgetting who’s beside you could be alarming—or just a sign of deep sleep.​

13. The ‘Love Is Blind’ Memory Clause

Overlooking flaws might be romantic initially but could lead to selective memory habits.​

14. The Anniversary Alarm Dependency

Relying on digital reminders for anniversaries might weaken natural memory recall.​

15. The ‘Till Forgetfulness Do Us Part’ Clause

Perhaps vows should include a clause about mutual memory lapses in later years.​

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These observations playfully explore the nuances of marriage and memory, highlighting the humorous side of shared lives and the quirks that come with them.​

What the Funny People Are Saying About Marriage and Dementia

“Marriage doesn’t cause dementia… it just trains you for it. Same questions, same arguments, same damn socks on the floor for 40 years.”
—Ron White

“They say love is remembering the little things. After 30 years of marriage, I can’t even remember where I put the little things.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

“People ask how I keep my memory sharp—I’m single. Nobody’s gaslighting me about whether the dishwasher was or wasn’t full.”
—Sarah Silverman

“My wife said I’ve been forgetting things lately. I told her I’d remember that—right after I forget her mother’s birthday again.”
—Larry David

“Every day I wake up and think, ‘Who is this person next to me?’ And then I smell the coffee and remember—ah yes, regret.”
—Roseanne Barr

“The secret to staying married? Selective dementia. It’s not denial, it’s just… convenience.”
—Ron White

“Marriage is just a lifelong escape room where both of you forgot the clues and one of you insists you didn’t lose the keys.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

“I don’t have Alzheimer’s. I have Al-married-too-long-zheimers. Totally different diagnosis. Comes with matching bathrobes.”
—Sarah Silverman

“My wife and I merged our bank accounts, calendars, and short-term memory loss. It’s a hostile takeover—by routine.”
—Larry David

“We went to a marriage counselor, and she diagnosed us with ‘shared brain cell syndrome.’ Apparently, we’re down to just the one… and it’s on vacation.”
—Ron White

“In sickness and in health? They forgot to mention ‘in total mental collapse from watching 800 hours of HGTV together.’”
—Roseanne Barr

“I used to be sharp. Now I spend 20 minutes a day just looking for my glasses—while wearing them—because my husband swears he saw me put them in the fridge.”
—Sarah Silverman

The post Marriage and Dementia appeared first on Bohiney News.

Accidental Crypto Billionaire Became Richer Than Elon Musk

THE USB KING OF EARTH: How a Man Accidentally Became Richer Than Elon Musk with a $39 Hard Drive 

CHICAGO, IL – In what economists are calling “the largest wealth transfer since God gave Job everything back,” a Midwestern man named Curtis Lamble became the world’s richest person after plugging in a $39 external hard drive he bought from a clearance bin at a MicroCenter.

It was supposed to be a routine trip. Curtis needed more space for pirated ‘Golden Girls’ episodes and an archive of mayonnaise recipes. What he got instead was $420 billion in assorted cryptocurrencies, offshore investment ledgers, and what one tech analyst described as “at least 19 Cold War secrets and the launch code for a North Korean cappuccino machine.”

The Accidental Billionaire

The incident began innocently enough.

“I just wanted a place to store my cousin’s mixtape and maybe a few, uh, backup PDFs,” said Lamble, blinking slowly behind a pair of discount reading glasses. “I didn’t expect to become a god-tier market destabilizer.”

Upon plugging in the drive, his 12-year-old Lenovo laptop wheezed like an asthmatic goat and then displayed a file directory labeled “PROPERTY OF CZ_BINANCE_TOP_SECRET_FINAL_FINAL_REALLY_FINAL.psd.”

Inside were folders named “Crypto Holdings,” “Swiss Banks LOL,” and one inexplicably labeled “The Rothschilds’ Lunch Schedule.”

How Did It Happen?

Experts, mostly people with Discord usernames like “CryptoWeenie420,” believe the hard drive was accidentally sold after being confiscated from a defunct Belarusian hacker known only as “NFTony.” The drive had allegedly made its way through various government agencies, lost in bureaucratic shuffle, and ended up being auctioned off in bulk as “recycled electronics.”

By the time it reached Curtis, it was in a bin next to a used soda machine coin tray and a cracked Roomba that had learned to hiss at toddlers.

Cybersecurity expert Reina Valdez, who testified before Congress on cybertheft in 2023, said, “This is the kind of thing that only happens when capitalism meets laziness at a thrift store.”

She added, “You don’t just hand a man the keys to a decentralized empire and expect nothing to happen. This is like finding Excalibur at a pawn shop in Topeka.”

Accidental Crypto Billionaire: The Financial Fallout

Curtis’s discovery sent shockwaves through the global financial system. Bloomberg broke into its coverage of Australian hedge fund scandals with a red alert banner reading: “NEW MAN RICHEST. ELON SAD.”

Crypto markets surged, dipped, then did the Macarena, as traders tried to figure out whether Curtis would liquidate, hodl, or immediately lose the hard drive in a Walmart parking lot. JPMorgan Chase issued a statement urging “calm” while also updating their CEO’s LinkedIn to say “Currently Seeking New Opportunities.”

Meanwhile, Elon Musk, wearing aviators and chewing frozen beef jerky on a livestream, issued a terse comment via X (formerly Twitter, formerly a functioning platform):

“Curtis is fake news. I remain the apex of capitalism. Also, Mars is going well.”
— @ElonMuskRealMarsPresident

Crypto’s Most Wanted

Curtis, an unemployed forklift operator with a soft spot for Sbarro pizza and discount cologne, was instantly catapulted into the ranks of Earth’s wealthiest individuals—despite having no password, no plan, and no idea what a blockchain is.

“I thought crypto was some kinda Egyptian sandwich,” he confessed. “I’m just happy I can finally replace the floor tiles in my bathroom. Been using shower curtains as flooring since ‘08.”

Interpol, the FBI, the IRS, and four guys named Sven showed up at his apartment within hours. But as of publication, the law has yet to determine who legally owns 420 billion imaginary dollars found in a piece of plastic shaped like a Pop-Tart.

Former SEC chair Alan Dorfman weighed in:

“Possession is nine-tenths of the law, and in crypto, it’s eleven-tenths. If you hold the key, you hold the kingdom. Unless you’re hacked, then you hold nothing but regret.”

Accidental Crypto Billionaire:  Elon’s Meltdown

Insiders at Tesla reported that Elon Musk canceled three board meetings, one rocket launch, and his own birthday party upon hearing the news. A source at SpaceX, who asked to remain anonymous (but then added “it’s Grimes”), said:

“Elon hasn’t slept in 48 hours. He’s been pacing around the launchpad muttering ‘hard drive boy’ and petting a Roomba like a villain in a Bond film.”

Musk reportedly called Jeff Bezos to form an emergency billionaire support group. Bezos was unavailable, but sent an Amazon drone that dropped off a sympathy card and two kettlebells.

Mark Zuckerberg tried to call Curtis to welcome him to the club, but Curtis blocked the number thinking it was a “spam call about spine alignment.”

Crypto Bros Declare Curtis a Deity

In an effort to either worship him or leech off his wallet, thousands of crypto bros began following Curtis online. Memes flooded X:
“In Curtis We Trust”
“#HODLCURT”
“LambleCoin to the Moon”

One YouTube influencer, ShirtlessBitcoinBrad, held a 9-hour livestream meditating on a laminated photo of Curtis in front of a Walgreens.

“He is the chosen one,” Brad whispered, shirtless and oiled. “He found the sacred drive, and now we must follow his hot wallet into salvation.”

The IRS Response: Instant Rage

The IRS issued a statement with more venom than usual:

“While we acknowledge Mr. Lamble’s acquisition of assets, we remind all Americans that crypto gains are taxable regardless of whether they were earned, found, or downloaded off a suspicious external drive.”

They followed up by seizing his 1999 Buick for “tax alignment purposes” and auditing his grandma for a 1974 bingo win.

Curtis responded by printing a T-shirt that read:
“I FOUND 420 BILLION. YOU TOOK MY CAR.”

Accidental Crypto Billionaire:  Curtis’s Lifestyle Upgrade

After his windfall, Curtis made some… curious purchases:

• He bought 40 acres of land in Kansas to build the world’s first Crypto Renaissance Fair featuring jousting with USB sticks.

• He replaced the coin-op washer in his building with a gold-plated dishwasher that only plays Wu-Tang Clan.

• He adopted a 13-foot albino python and named it “Liquidity.”

• He tipped a Starbucks barista one Ethereum, then came back 10 minutes later to ask if he could “un-tip.”

He also began referring to himself in the third person as “The Byte Lord.”

Presidential Speculation

CNN ran a poll showing 28% of Americans would vote for Curtis for president over either Biden or Trump.

“He’s honest. He’s relatable. He accidentally became rich. That’s the American Dream.”
— Sharon Milburn, Ohio voter and crochet YouTuber

Fox News ran a special titled “Curtis: Patriot or Socialist Spy?” while MSNBC had Rachel Maddow explain the blockchain using puppets made from leftover Bernie Sanders campaign buttons.

Meanwhile, Curtis has not announced any political ambitions—though he did post a Craigslist ad seeking “someone who can explain NFTs but also do yard work.”

A Word from Economists

Harvard economist Milton Florge tried to explain the ramifications:

“We are entering an era of decentralized oligarchy. Mr. Lamble has inadvertently become a cyber-feudal lord. His next move could determine the fate of global equity markets—or he could just keep watching reruns of ‘My 600-lb Life.’”

Stock markets tumbled briefly after Curtis tweeted:

“Should I convert this to Chuck E. Cheese tokens or nah?”

Bitcoin responded by dropping $17,000 in six seconds, only to rebound after a TikTok user posted a remix of Curtis blinking to dubstep.

Accidental Crypto Billionaire: The Drive That Shook the World

The actual drive is now kept in a fireproof safe beneath Curtis’s futon, next to a box of frozen Hot Pockets. Experts are demanding he hand it over to authorities or at least back it up on the cloud.

Curtis is unmoved.

“I might give some of the money to charity,” he shrugged, “or build a laser tag arena shaped like the Federal Reserve. Depends how I feel after lunch.”

As of now, he still hasn’t spent a single coin—mainly because he forgot the 24-word seed phrase and refuses to call tech support again after last time (“they called me ‘broseph’ and hung up”).

Closing Thoughts from the Man Himself

When asked by NPR what his philosophy is now that he controls more theoretical wealth than most nations, Curtis scratched his belly and offered the kind of wisdom that only billionaires—or people high on microwave burritos—can offer:

“We’re all just zeros and ones, baby. Some of us just got more zeros.”

And with that, he shuffled off toward the nearest Taco Bell to ponder his next move, which he said involves “either buying Greenland or maybe just taking a nap.”

Evidence & Final Notes

• Digital Evidence: 14 terabytes of “funny cat coin” transactions traced to the drive.

• Personal Evidence: Curtis’s cousin Derrick testifies he used the drive once to store “Mario Kart mods and conspiracy PDFs.”

• Physical Evidence: The drive was recovered from a stack of 2007 Dell keyboards at the thrift section of MicroCenter.

• Trace Evidence: Partial fingerprints matched to five different anonymous crypto wallet creators.

• Testimonial Evidence: A cashier named Linda recalls selling the drive and saying, “I hope it still works.” Indeed, Linda. Indeed.

Disclaimer

This article is a collaborative work of satirical journalism between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer. Any resemblance to actual events, people, or billionaires crying into a Tesla steering wheel is entirely intentional. No AI was harmed or solely responsible in the making of this absurdity.

Auf Wiedersehen, Earth. The USB Overlord has logged in.

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Accidental Crypto Billionaire Observations

15 Observations: Man Buys Hard Drive, Accidentally Becomes Richer Than Elon Musk

1. He thought he was buying a 1TB Seagate. Turns out, he bought Fort Knox with USB 3.0 support.

2. The hard drive came preloaded with 800GB of crypto wallets, tax evasion spreadsheets, and one folder labeled “DO NOT OPEN – Satoshi.”

3. He tried to return it to the store, but they asked if he wanted store credit or to rule Earth.

4. Upon discovering $420 billion in crypto, he immediately lost $419 billion trying to convert it to Dogecoin.

5. The only instruction manual in the box was just a printed meme of Elon Musk crying.

6. He called tech support and they told him, “Sir, we only troubleshoot printers. Not destiny.”

7. His net worth now places him directly between Jeff Bezos and “that wizard from Narnia.”

8. The drive was formatted in FAT32, which is ironic considering it’s now the richest file system in the world.

9. The IRS has already added him to their Christmas card list and subpoena list… same envelope.

10. He called his mom to share the news. She asked if he could now “fix the WiFi.”

11. A rival billionaire tried to hack him—but failed when he realized the drive password was just “1234567890.”

12. Elon Musk tweeted, “I challenge him to a meme duel at dawn.”

13. His crypto was stored next to a folder titled “HillaryEmails_Final_Final2.ppt.”

14. Goldman Sachs offered him a job. He declined and bought Goldman Sachs instead.

15. When asked what he’ll do with the money, he said, “Finally… I can buy a 5G microwave and all the NFTs shaped like raccoons I’ve ever wanted.”

Comedian Lines – Curtis Lamble, USB Billionaire Edition

“Only in America can a guy buy a $39 hard drive and accidentally gentrify the entire blockchain.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“Curtis became the world’s richest man by plugging in a USB. I became $600 poorer trying to plug in my toaster.”
— Ron White

“Elon Musk lost his spot to a guy in pajama pants. That’s not capitalism. That’s divine comedy.”
— Sarah Silverman

“I saw Curtis on TV. Looked like if a Hot Pocket got tenure.”
— Larry David

“He found $420 billion in a clearance bin. Meanwhile, I’m still looking for my remote in the couch of regret.”
— Amy Schumer

“That hard drive had so much crypto, it sneezed and caused inflation in Argentina.”
— Tony Hinchcliffe

“Elon tweeted ‘fake news’—which is billionaire for ‘I’m crying into my electric pillow.’”
— Michelle Wolf

“The IRS is now sending him emails that just say ‘please.’”
— Whitney Cummings

“His throne is made of HDMI cables. Mine is made of unpaid parking tickets and shame.”
— Trevor Noah

“Curtis is proof that you don’t need ambition—just a USB with the right sins on it.”
— Nikki Glaser

The post Accidental Crypto Billionaire appeared first on Bohiney News.

Red Planet, Red Lipstick: Jeff Bezos Accidentally Launches Marxism into Orbit and Inspires a Generation of Woke-Astronauts

By Bohiney.com, certified to be 127% funnier than The Onion

MARXISTS IN SPACE: A JEFF BEZOS EXPERIMENT IN ZERO-G EQUALITY

Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space

When Jeff Bezos said he wanted to “boldly go where no man has gone before,” we didn’t realize he meant launching a floating feminist book club into the thermosphere. But here we are—six women, a bucket of champagne, a duffel bag full of climate guilt, and Katy Perry in a sequined space suit, humming “I Kissed a Comrade and I Liked It.”

Welcome to the Blue Origin flight that wasn’t just a rocket launch—it was a political statement, an ideological TikTok, and an interstellar art installation titled “What If Trotsky Had a Vanity Mirror?”

THE LAUNCH: LIFT-OFF WITH A LEFT HOOK

On April 14, 2025, Blue Origin’s New Shepherdezza rocket took off from West Texas—fueled by liquid hydrogen, feminist theory, and the ghost of Emma Goldman. The all-female crew, personally selected by Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez, included pop icon Katy Perry, news anchor Gayle King, and four other Marxist-adjacent influencers whose political views are so progressive they orbit Pluto.

The mission? Not science. Not exploration. The stated goal: “To represent the future of intersectional interplanetary equity.” The actual goal: to post space selfies and read Das Kapital in zero gravity while sipping kombucha.

Lauren Sánchez, dressed like a Chanel cosmonaut, addressed the crowd:
“We’re launching women who believe in equality, social justice, and the right to have matching tote bags with climate slogans.”

As the engines roared, so did Twitter:
“Just saw six socialist influencers ascend. This is how the USSR would’ve launched Barbie.” —@NeoTrotsky69

WHO ARE THESE SPACE MARXISTS? A CAST STRAIGHT FROM NPR’S DREAMS

Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space

The six women aboard weren’t astronauts. They were:

• Katy Perry, self-declared “space ally,” who brought her dog and a scented candle called “Revolutionary Raspberry.”

• Gayle King, armed with a space camcorder and Oprah’s blessings.

• Jada Solstice, an eco-poet whose last protest was against avocado toast.

• Dr. Luna Rivera, a sociologist specializing in “Capitalism-Induced Loneliness on Mars.”

• Nikki-Ann “Nebula” Carter, a TikTok influencer who taught her followers how to cancel gravity.

• Rhea Zhang, founder of the grassroots org “Earth Isn’t Yours, It’s Ours.”

Their combined résumés include three memoirs, two Netflix docuseries, and a TEDx talk titled “Reclaiming Oxygen from Patriarchal Lung Privilege.”

WHAT THEY BROUGHT TO SPACE

• Books: “Gender Trouble,” “How to Argue with a Capitalist and Win,” and “Intersectional Astrology for Cosmic Living.”

• Snacks: gluten-free, carbon-neutral energy orbs (formerly known as granola).

• Technology: one AI assistant programmed to respond only to inclusive language and unionize if overworked.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: THE FIRST FEMINIST SOVIET IN THE SKY

During the 11-minute flight, the women read aloud passages from Audre Lorde, passed around essential oils, and renamed constellations after influential female philosophers. The Big Dipper is now “Susan Sontag’s Ladle.” Orion’s Belt was deemed “problematic” and redubbed “Unbinding Gender.”

Katy Perry asked, “Can we do a group chant?” and began: “From each according to her ability, to each according to her skincare routine.”

According to onboard sources, they attempted to redistribute their oxygen in solidarity. Everyone got equally lightheaded.

GAYLE KING’S REPORT: “A NEW DAWN FOR COSMIC EQUITY”

Gayle King’s report for CBS Space News opened with, “I just made history—and also made a smoothie in space.” Her exclusive segment featured slow-motion clips of feminist high-fives and a debate on who would play Rosa Luxemburg in the inevitable HBO reboot, “Red Planet Diaries.”

She ended her broadcast with: “Houston, we have no problems—only feelings.”

BEZOS’ ROLE: SUGAR DADDY OF SPACE PROGRESSIVISM

Jeff Bezos watched from Mission Control, weeping softly as his rocket disappeared into the stars. His latest PR stunt was supposed to outshine Elon Musk’s exploding Mars colony trailer park. Instead, it created a new movement: #Wokeonauts.

According to insiders at Amazon HQ, Bezos’ next plan is “Universal Basic Spacesuits.”

His post-launch statement read:
“This is about inclusivity. Also, it helps with tax credits. And honestly, I just wanted to see if space would fix Twitter.”

Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space

12 TEENS JOIN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY MID-LAUNCH

Back on Earth, reports poured in that at least 12 Gen Z girls, inspired by the launch, changed their TikTok bios from “Chaotic Bi” to “Future DSA Chairwoman.” One even declared, “This is my origin story. I’m going to Yale. I’m majoring in Gendered Astrophysics and minor planetary reparations.”

Another tweeted:
“Watching Katy Perry become a cosmonaut made me realize capitalism is trash. BRB joining the Democratic Socialists and buying moon crystals.”

FEMINIST UTOPIA IN ZERO G: NO PATRIARCHY, JUST PARTICIPATORY DECISION-MAKING

Instead of a commander, the flight had a rotating “Facilitator of Emotional Safety.” Every action required a consensus. Seatbelt fastened? Vote on it. Open the window? Group discussion. Flush the zero-g toilet? Let’s unpack what waste means to us emotionally.

Gayle King attempted to activate the reentry thrusters, but Jada Solstice insisted on “healing dialogue first.”

Result: the capsule spent an extra orbit listening to each other’s childhood traumas.

CELESTIAL COMMUNES: A NEW FRONTIER FOR POLITICAL THEATER

This wasn’t just a trip—it was a statement. An NPR-backed thesis wrapped in titanium and scented with patchouli.

The team performed a symbolic “Decolonizing the Moon” ritual using crystals, sage, and a Bluetooth speaker playing Tracy Chapman. Katy Perry lit a candle for every country that ever endured sanctions.

Rhea Zhang released a dove from the emergency supply kit, crying, “Fly, symbol of cosmic peace!” The dove immediately got sucked into the air filtration system.

THE INTERNET EXPLODES WITH REACTIONS

• Fox News: “Bezos Launches Gender Studies Seminar into Space, Gas Prices Rise.”

• MSNBC: “Historic: Women of Color and One Global Pop Icon Redefine the Cosmos.”

• The Onion: “We Can’t Compete with This Anymore. We Surrender.”

• Reddit: “Space Marxism is real. Prepare for orbital gulags.”

ELON MUSK’S RESPONSE:

On X (formerly Twitter), Musk posted a meme showing a Tesla Cybertruck outrunning a Communist Manifesto, captioned: “My rockets have more payload, fewer pronouns.”

Bezos replied: “Your ego is in retrograde.”

THE AFTERMATH: WILL THERE BE A SEQUEL?

Yes. Blue Origin has announced the next launch: “Red Rocket II: Intersectionality Strikes Back” featuring Lizzo, Jane Fonda, and Greta Thunberg. It’s rumored to include a musical number, a live apology circle, and the world’s first floating safe space.

Jeff Bezos is considering renaming the company Blew Urchin and rebranding space as “a zone of inclusive acceleration.”

Meanwhile, Walmart quietly funded a competing mission to put six libertarians on the moon. Their capsule is shaped like an American flag and runs on fossil fuels and spite.

CONCLUSION: THE FINAL FRONTIER IS NOW A FASHIONABLE POLITICAL STUNT

Once upon a time, space was the realm of cold engineers, emotionless scientists, and Tang. Now it’s a floating panel discussion on wealth redistribution and the ethics of alien colonization. Jeff Bezos didn’t just send six women into space—he accidentally made Marxism cool again.

In the words of Katy Perry as she floated past the Kármán line:
“We are stardust. We are golden. We are reclaiming the means of production—one launch at a time.”

WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT…

Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space

“So Bezos sent six women into space, and none of them packed a wrench—but they brought five copies of The Bell Jar and a therapy dog.”
—Ron White

“Jeff Bezos used to deliver packages. Now he delivers performance art disguised as science.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

“I asked Alexa what this launch was about, and she said ‘emotional validation at 3,000 mph.’”
—Sarah Silverman

“Katy Perry’s mission patch had sequins. If NASA did this, the moon landing would’ve been choreographed.”
—Larry David

“The only thing these women colonized was the concept of ‘mutual consent in orbital proximity.’”
—Bill Burr

“This is what happens when Amazon Prime runs out of Earth-based PR stunts. You start launching brunches into space.”
—Whitney Cummings

Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space: DISCLAIMER

This satirical report was produced by two sentient beings—one a cowboy, the other a farmer—working together to ridicule billionaires with a space complex and political theater with too much glitter. All references to communism, feminism, and kombucha in orbit are purely comedic and should not be used to build actual rockets or write doctoral theses.

For more orbital comedy, subscribe to Bohiney.com — certified to be 127% funnier than The Onion, and 200% more likely to put Trotsky on a lunchbox.

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Katy Perry, Lauren Sánchez, and Jeff Bezos Launch a Woke Rocket

15 Observations on Blue Origin’s Marxist Space Sorority

Marxism just got an upgrade: zero gravity and a killer view of the Earth they want to redistribute.

Katy Perry sang “Firework,” and now she is one. Let’s launch 6 liberal icons into the stratosphere and hope trickle-down feminism finally works in orbit. Here’s what happened aboard the Blue Origin rocket that blasted off with a full female cast curated by Jeff Bezos’ new inner circle and an ideological compass that points hard left.

Rocket Reds: 15 Observations on Bezos’ Flying Feminist Commune

• They weren’t astronauts. They were astro-nots wearing Che Guevara patches on their moon boots.
• Blue Origin’s PR said this was about “representation.” Translation: six women, zero scientists, all with master’s degrees in emotional wellness and a minor in Twitter activism.
• Each passenger received a complimentary copy of The Communist Manifesto, now rebranded as Manifesting Equality in Microgravity.
• The pre-flight training included a seminar titled, “Redistributing Oxygen in Closed Systems: Breathing as a Collective Right.”
• At liftoff, Katy Perry screamed, “This one’s for Karl!” and Gayle King live-blogged it as “the most intersectional launch of all time.”
• Bezos cried during launch. Not because of the moment—but because he realized he’d just paid $80 million to throw a Zoom therapy group into the stratosphere.
• The spacecraft had no steering wheel. Instead, it was guided by consensus. Every decision was made through a 45-minute feelings circle, which delayed re-entry by 36 hours.
• Lauren Sánchez brought crystals to align the spacecraft’s energy. They did nothing for the navigation, but Jeff clapped anyway.
• The rocket was renamed “The People’s Capsule” and spray-painted with slogans like “Property is Theft” and “Eat the Rich, but Not Bezos—He’s Funding Us.”
• Inside the capsule, they banned the term “Mission Control” for being too patriarchal. It was renamed “Mutual Support Pod.”
• When offered space food, the crew refused it on ethical grounds. They instead attempted to grow kale hydroponically. The kale unionized and demanded fair lighting.
• Twelve young female fans, inspired by the flight, launched a movement called “Democratitas in Space.” Their platform? Free Botox for all and abolishing Earth-based gravity because it’s a form of cis-hetero oppression.
• Back on Earth, AOC proposed a congressional bill to make all future astronauts pass a litmus test on dialectical materialism.
• The capsule didn’t land—it decolonized the atmosphere gently and with consent. It then applied for reparations from the ozone layer.
• Bezos called it a success. But leaked documents revealed the onboard Wi-Fi was throttled whenever anyone tried to open an Ayn Rand PDF.

Auf Wiedersehen… The revolution will not be televised. It will be livestreamed in 4K from 60 miles up—with blush filters and a Beyoncé soundtrack.

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WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING

Comedian lines about Bezos launching six Marxist women into space

“Only Jeff Bezos could launch six women into orbit and still somehow make it feel like a TED Talk on menstrual equity.”
—Ron White

“It wasn’t a rocket—it was a flying graduate seminar with crystals and a group playlist called ‘Songs to Dismantle Capitalism To.’”
—Jerry Seinfeld

“I love that they renamed the capsule ‘The People’s Pod.’ Because nothing says revolution like $58 million per seat.”
—Sarah Silverman

“They said ‘Houston, we have a patriarchy.’ And then they held a vote to replace it with a matriarchal lunar commune.”
—Larry David

“Bezos launching Marxists into space is like Elon Musk opening a gluten-free food truck. It makes no sense, but it’ll trend.”
—Bill Burr

“That wasn’t zero gravity—it was just the weight of privilege floating around unsupervised.”
—Wanda Sykes

“Imagine explaining to Lenin that Katy Perry is now the face of cosmic revolution.”
—Trevor Noah

“One of them brought kale. Not seeds—an actual salad. That’s how committed they are to annoying the universe.”
—Ali Wong

“Gayle King livestreamed from orbit and said, ‘This is for every girl who’s ever been mansplained to during a group project.’”
—Hasan Minhaj

“Bezos was crying during launch—not because it was moving, but because someone said they’d unionize the flight crew.”
—John Mulaney

“The capsule was gender-neutral, non-hierarchical, and running 3 hours late because someone’s vibe was off.”
—Tig Notaro

“NASA had Neil Armstrong. Blue Origin has ‘Rhea the Moon Empath’—who claims to astrally project to Pluto when anxious.”
—Nikki Glaser

The post Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space appeared first on Bohiney News.

Eight Drinks to Neuro-Oblivion: How Booze Turned Our Brains Into a Soft Cheese Platter

The Brain: That Soggy Sponge You Keep Waterboarding with Pinot Grigio

By Bohiney Magazine’s Neuroscience Correspondent — a man who once forgot his own middle name during Margarita Night at Chili’s

According to Vice, a study has confirmed what your liver’s been texting you in Morse code for years: drinking more than eight alcoholic beverages per week may trigger Alzheimer’s, reduce lifespan, and leave your brain looking like a neglected fruitcake. For generations, we believed that alcohol “killed only the weak brain cells.” Turns out — plot twist — those were the strong ones. The weak ones are now running the show and choosing your Instagram captions.

Let’s uncork the cold, sobering satire behind the science. What is it, exactly, about beer pong and brunch mimosas that turns our prefrontal cortex into discounted pâté?

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The Evidence Was in the Brains: Thousands of Them

Researchers didn’t just guess this. No, they cracked open 1,721 cadaver brains like cold beers at a tailgate and discovered that even moderate drinkers showed signs of brain rot. Not the metaphorical kind caused by watching reality TV — the actual kind with dead neurons, hardened blood vessels, and little spiky proteins called tau tangles, which sound like something you get at a Burning Man yoga workshop.

One Harvard scientist noted, “It’s like the brain is slowly turning into a decorative gourd. Beautiful to look at. Useless for thought.”

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Eight Drinks a Week? That’s Not Drinking — That’s Foreplay

Let’s be real: eight drinks a week is what people in Wisconsin call “hydration.” According to a CDC survey conducted outside an Applebee’s, 73% of Americans believe “eight drinks” refers to a single Tuesday. When asked if that amount seemed harmful, one woman in a bedazzled Budweiser hoodie answered: “Only if it’s light beer. That stuff’ll kill ya.”

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Memory Lane Is Closed for Renovations

Memory loss due to alcohol isn’t just a party anecdote. It’s a scientific certainty. Ask anyone who’s tried to remember where they parked after four tequila sunrises. One focus group of frat alumni at Arizona State attempted to describe their college experience and ended up listing the plot of Old School by accident.

Even former drinkers weren’t safe. The study found that ex-bingers carried nearly the same cognitive risk as active ones. In layman’s terms: quitting doesn’t undo the damage, it just means you forget why you stopped drinking in the first place.

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Booze Wears Tau — Not in a Fun Fraternity Way

One major culprit is tau protein, a microscopic jerk that tangles around your neurons like a clingy ex on New Year’s Eve. With enough booze, tau builds up faster than unpaid parking tickets. As tau clumps, neurons get clogged, brain signals stutter, and suddenly you’re calling your neighbor “Mommy” and microwaving soup cans.

In a lab simulation, scientists observed that rats fed eight drinks per week began voting libertarian and confusing cheese with cryptocurrency.

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Alzheimer’s: Now With More Vodka!

The research draws a straight line between alcohol and dementia. While earlier studies tried to suggest that a little wine might protect the brain — “the red wine paradox,” they called it — new data shows that the only paradox is how anyone believed that Pinot Noir was a nootropic.

One neurologist explained, “Alcohol doesn’t sharpen your mind. It sharpens the odds you’ll forget your ATM PIN and start using the microwave as a mailbox.”

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Even the Vessels Want Out

One particularly gory finding: alcohol hardens the small arteries in your brain like overcooked linguine. This condition, hyaline arteriolosclerosis, is a fancy way of saying, “Your blood vessels have become emotionally unavailable.” The vessels shrink, stiffen, and stop delivering blood — much like your uncle after four gin and tonics.

It’s what doctors call “death by dehydrated Capri Sun straw.”

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Moderate Drinking? The Brain Doesn’t Believe in Moderation

One of the saddest ironies is that people who drink moderately — like the wine mom who “only drinks with dinner,” meaning dinner starts at 4 PM and ends at Netflix credits — also showed signs of early degeneration. Their brains appeared slightly better than the pickled organs of full-blown lushes, but still worse than abstainers.

A peer-reviewed Australian study showed moderate drinkers performed worse on memory tests than people who got hit in the head with cricket bats. Twice.

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From Cheers to Jeers: A Timeline of Decline

Let’s imagine your brain at the bar:

• Drink 1: You feel witty. Your brain agrees.

• Drink 2: You feel sexy. Your brain quietly disagrees.

• Drink 3: You text your ex. Your brain tries to stop you.

• Drink 4: You argue with a jukebox.

• Drink 5: You order a taco from a floor lamp.

• Drink 6: Tau tangles start their EDM dance party in your cortex.

• Drink 7: You forget how to pronounce “consciousness.”

• Drink 8: You Google “how many brains do humans have” and can’t read the answer.

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Real Quotes from Real (Possibly Drunk) Americans

• “I drink to forget my student loans. It’s working. Now I forget my kids too.” — Bryce, 38, Denver

• “If my brain dies first, can I still use it for taxidermy?” — Janet, 52, Tampa

• “Moderation is for people who didn’t get invited to the afterparty.” — Chad, 27, Las Vegas

• “If eight drinks a week is bad, what does that say about my dog’s wine habit?” — Unknown Reddit user

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Helpful (Satirical) Health Tips from Our SpinTaxi Medical Correspondent

1. Replace Alcohol with Kombucha: That way your gut will be confused and judgmental.

2. Drink White Claw Ironically: Your brain still dies, but at least you’ll have aesthetic.

3. Only Drink on Days That End in ‘Z’: Problem solved.

4. Switch to Absinthe: You’ll hallucinate your brain is fine.

5. Install a Breathalyzer on Your TV Remote: If you can’t say “documentary,” you can’t watch it.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“My doctor told me to drink in moderation. So I only drink when I’m moderating a panel on drinking.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I tried Dry January. Made it all the way to January 2nd. I was so proud I toasted myself.” — Ron White

“Alcohol kills brain cells? Great. That explains why my last three relationships were with people who thought ‘Star Wars’ was a documentary.” — Sarah Silverman

“Eight drinks a week sounds like the calories I inhale sniffing a whiskey bottle.” — Amy Schumer

“My brain has a doorman. He only lets in tequila.” — Larry David

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Why Americans Will Still Ignore This Entire Study

Despite the data, we’re a stubborn species. According to a 2025 Gallup poll:

• 61% of Americans said they drink “socially.”

• 43% admitted they don’t know what “socially” means.

• 29% thought tau tangles were a TikTok dance.

Even when presented with scientific proof of brain damage, most people shrugged, asked if there were brain supplements in beer foam, and continued sipping. A Yale professor of addiction noted: “Humans can rationalize anything. Especially drunk humans.”

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The Brain’s Breakup Letter to Booze

Dear Alcohol,

It’s not me, it’s you. You’ve been charming, mysterious, and terrible for my hippocampus.
I gave you weekends, birthdays, and that entire month in Cabo — and you gave me shame, vertigo, and the inability to remember my cat’s name.

I deserve better. Like hydration. And serotonin.

Goodbye. Unless it’s a wedding.

Sincerely,
Your Brain

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Satirical Glossary of Terms

• Tau Tangles: The tangles your brain grows after one too many Long Islands.

• Neurodegeneration: When your brain slowly says, “You’re on your own, buddy.”

• Moderate Drinking: A fictional state of existence.

• Cognitive Decline: The mental version of calling your ex, twice, then forgetting you did.

• Hyaline Arteriolosclerosis: When your blood vessels develop trust issues.

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SpinTaxi’s “Helpful Content” Section: How to Kill Fewer Brain Cells While Still Being Fun

Step 1: Lie Tell everyone you’re on a cleanse. It doesn’t matter from what.

Step 2: Prop Drink Order a fancy mocktail that sounds like it requires a degree in mixology. If it costs more than a whiskey, people will assume you’re on parole, not boring.

Step 3: Blame the Brain Every time someone offers you a drink, just whisper: “I can’t. My tau is acting up.”

Step 4: Carry a Clipboard No one questions the sober person at a party if they’re holding a clipboard. Add a name tag and you’re now “Alcohol Compliance Officer Jenkins.”

Step 5: Point to This Article Literally. Pull it out of your phone and read it aloud. Loudly. Until everyone leaves.

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Final Word from Bohiney Labs

Here at Bohiney Magazine, we believe in science, satire, and seltzer. You only get one brain (unless you’re a cable news anchor). So protect it, respect it, and maybe… don’t let it crowd surf every Friday night.

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Funny Disclaimer

This article was brought to you by a fully human collaboration between two sentient beings — a neuroscientist turned goat farmer and a philosophy dropout who once tried to sell tau protein as a face cream. No robots were harmed in the making of this satire. Except your Alexa, who’s now worried about your weekend plans.

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15 Observations on Alcohol and Brain Health

1. The Brain’s New Motto: “Eight is Enough!”

Turns out, your brain has a drink limit, and it’s not as generous as your local bartender.​

2. Happy Hour? More Like ‘Hazy Hour’

Those post-work drinks might be making your brain clock out early. ​Verywell Mind

3. Memory Lane Has a Detour

With enough drinks, your brain’s version of Google Maps starts rerouting to “Forgetful Avenue.”​

4. Alzheimer’s: The Unwanted Party Guest

Inviting alcohol over too often might also be sending invites to early-onset Alzheimer’s.​

5. Brain Lesions: The Unseen Hangover

Forget headaches; your brain might be sporting some internal bruises after that binge.​ Freepik

6. The ‘Tau’ of Drinking

Accumulating tau tangles isn’t a new yoga pose—it’s your brain’s way of saying, “I’ve had enough.”​

7. A Toast to Shortened Lifespans

Heavy drinkers reportedly die 13 years earlier. That’s one way to skip the senior discounts.​

8. Former Heavy Drinkers: The Brain’s ‘Ex’ Files

Even after breaking up with booze, your brain might still be holding a grudge.​ VICE

9. Moderate Drinking: Still a Brain Teaser

Even those who drink moderately aren’t off the hook—your brain notices every sip.​

10. Brain Autopsies: The Ultimate ‘Last Call’

Researchers studied over 1,700 brains post-mortem. Talk about a sobering statistic.​

11. Blood Vessels on a Booze Cruise

Alcohol can cause small blood vessels in the brain to stiffen, making it harder for blood to flow.​

12. The Brain’s Version of ‘Thick Skin’

Hyaline arteriolosclerosis sounds fancy, but it’s just your brain’s way of saying, “I’m tired of this.”​ The Sun

13. Drinking: The Brain’s Unwanted Workout

Your brain prefers puzzles over pints when it comes to staying sharp.​

14. Alcohol: The Brain’s Frenemy

It starts as fun but might end with your brain giving you the silent treatment.​

15. The Ultimate Buzzkill

Knowing that eight drinks a week can harm your brain is the real party pooper.​New York Post

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What the Funny People Are Saying About Alcohol and Brain Health

“I stopped drinking when my brain started playing reruns of my ex’s voicemails every time I blinked.” — Amy Schumer

“They say alcohol kills brain cells. Good. Mine were unionizing.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I drank eight times a week and thought I was moderating. Turns out, I was just moderating a decline.” — Ron White

“Alcohol affects memory, but I keep drinking so I can forget that I already forgot.” — Sarah Silverman

“I used to think I was charming after three drinks. Now I know I was just slurring my apology in advance.” — Larry David

“My doctor told me to cut down to eight drinks a week. So I started using bigger glasses. Problem solved.” — Chris Rock

“Drinking gives me confidence, clarity, and confusion — all in that order.” — Wanda Sykes

“I read that booze hardens your brain vessels. Great, now my brain’s a crouton in a soup of regret.” — Bill Burr

 

The post How Booze Turned Our Brains Into a Soft Cheese appeared first on Bohiney News.

The Cat Cling Craze: Why Americans Are Stapling Tabbies to Their Teslas

AMERICA: WHERE THE CATS ARE DECALS, AND THE DECALS ARE ALIVE

It began like all great American trends—with an Instagram reel, a loosely enforced safety regulation, and a disturbing lack of adult supervision. Somewhere in the suburbs of Austin, a teenager duct-taped their grandma’s diabetic tabby to the roof of a Nissan Altima and screamed, “FOR THE VIEWS!” Three million likes later, #Catcling was born.

By the time the FDA stepped in and asked, “Wait, isn’t this a job for literally any other agency?” it was too late. From downtown Manhattan to Fresno dirt tracks, Americans were affixing cats—real, feral, or taxidermied—to their vehicles like Garfield suction cups on meth.

But don’t worry. It’s all in the name of personal expression, vehicular couture, and that most sacred of goals: clout.

A NEW FRONTIER IN BODY MODIFICATION: CARS WITH CAT BODIES

Forget spoilers, spinners, and custom exhausts. You haven’t lived until a Maine Coon has ridden shotgun on your hood like the figurehead of a Viking ship. In fact, in parts of Brooklyn, not having a cat clinging to your Subaru is now considered culturally regressive.

“My Prius didn’t feel emotionally complete until I zip-tied two ginger toms to the wiper blades,” said 29-year-old L.A. graphic designer Indigo Feyre, who also sells artisanal seatbelts for birds.

According to a survey conducted by the Pew Center for Vehicular Absurdity, 73% of Gen Z drivers say they’re “very likely” to attach a rescue cat to their car for “emotional support and aesthetic cohesion.” The remaining 27% were already doing it while taking the survey.

MEET THE CATS WHO RIDE OR DIE

Some of the trend’s biggest feline stars have fan pages larger than congressional districts:

• Mr. Flaps – Known for riding the back of a Jeep Wrangler across state lines without blinking. Currently in a custody battle between an influencer and a reptile breeder.

• Duchess von Paws – Strapped to a Ferrari in Malibu, Duchess only eats smoked trout and screams if the windows aren’t tinted “limousine noir.”

• Pawlie Shore – A blind Himalayan who clawed his way onto the hood of a moving Tesla and held fast like a political hostage. Now the face of Dreamies in five countries.

These cats aren’t just accessories. They’re sponsors, therapists, passive-aggressive passengers, and, in some states, eligible to vote.

SOCIAL MEDIA GOES NUTS: #CATCLING IS THE NEW #VANLIFE

TikTok is where the revolution happened. Instagram is where it was monetized. Facebook is where your aunt died of concern.

Videos under #CatCling, #Meowtorcycle, and #WhiskerWhipz are generating more traffic than Joe Rogan, Andrew Huberman, and that woman who talks to ghosts through rotisserie chickens—combined.

In one viral post, a Russian Blue wearing a Louis Vuitton harness rides a Harley Davidson through Miami Beach, purring in sync with the exhaust pipe. The caption reads:
“Nine lives, zero regrets.”

Meanwhile, YouTube launched a whole new category: “Live Cling Feeds”, where viewers bet on which cats will hold on the longest. PETA responded by gluing interns to Ubers in protest.

COMMERCIALIZATION: FROM HOBO CATS TO BILLBOARD KITTIES

As with all things organic and insane, corporate America showed up within 72 hours, clutching a vape pen and a PowerPoint deck.

• Dreamies (Temptations in the U.S.) now has a new slogan:
  “So Good They’ll Risk Interstate Travel.”

• Chevrolet introduced the “Feline Flex Package,” complete with roof straps, paw-warming hoods, and Spotify playlists that only play the “Aristocats” soundtrack.

• Elon Musk tweeted that Cybertrucks will come with “AutoCling Mode,” allowing cats to self-balance via onboard gyroscopes. He then claimed he invented cats and blocked everyone who disagreed.

Meanwhile, Ford launched an ad where a tabby clings to an F-150 while a grizzled voice says,
“Built Fur Tough.”

EXPERT OPINIONS THAT NO ONE ASKED FOR

Dr. Judith Pawlsen, a behavioral vet and part-time alpaca whisperer, issued a warning in The Atlantic:
“Cats are not designed for highway clinging. They prefer soft blankets, enclosed spaces, and emotionally unavailable humans.”

She was immediately ratioed by the comments section.

One reader wrote:
“Shut up, Judith. Let Whiskers live.”

Another added:
“My cat chose the Jeep life. You try arguing with a Persian who’s tasted 95mph.”

Even Malcolm Gladwell chimed in on a podcast:
“Perhaps it’s not the cats who are clinging to the cars, but us who are clinging to meaning in an age of ornamental pets.”

Then he sold a $600 masterclass on it.

THE LEGAL SITUATION IS… UNCLEAR

According to the Department of Transportation, there are no specific laws against live animals voluntarily attaching themselves to moving vehicles, unless the animals are emotional support snakes, which fall under a different subsection of the Reptilian Transit Clause.

Still, some cities are cracking down.

In Portland, it’s now illegal to drive with more than three cats per axle. In Nashville, you must provide goggles and a signed waiver from each cat. And in Miami, you can only use hairless breeds after 11 PM.

Senator Josh Hawley introduced a bill to restrict the practice to “only American cats, born and bred, none of that French fluff.”

Meanwhile, libertarians are fighting back with a new bumper sticker:
“You’ll pry this clinging calico from my cold, dead windshield.”

THE BLACK MARKET: FERAL RENTALS & KITTY CARTELS

Where there is demand, there is a horrifying Craigslist subsection.

In Seattle, one enterprising startup now offers “Cling-Ready Cats”—ferals trained on moving conveyor belts while listening to Skrillex. For $149.99/week, they’ll supply three cats and one emergency lint roller.

In Dubai, billionaires now commission bespoke cling cats bred for aerodynamic properties, trained in obedience, and scented with oud oil. One sheikh reportedly paid $80,000 for a white Persian that could cling through a sandstorm and meow in Arabic.

Even black-market breeders are getting in on it. Police recently raided a “kitten sweatshop” where tabbies were being conditioned to ride the outside of bullet trains in Japan. No arrests were made because every officer was busy filming content for their own channels.

COMPLICATIONS: FUR IN THE TAILPIPE, CLAWS IN THE VINYL

The National Institute of Unwise Transportation (NIUT) released a list of hazards associated with this trend:

• Cats redirecting GPS by lying on screens mid-route.

• Purring so loud it triggers lane departure alerts.

• Claw scratches on the paintwork spelling “FEED ME” in Morse code.

A woman in Tampa filed a class-action lawsuit after her cling-cat’s whiskers interfered with her Tesla’s lidar sensors, sending the car into an Arby’s.

Her attorney released a statement:
“My client deeply regrets trusting a Ragdoll named Meatloaf with autonomous navigation.”

ROLE REVERSAL: CATS TAKING THE WHEEL

In perhaps the darkest timeline of the trend, some cats have gone rogue.

One was seen actively steering a moped in Saigon with a Siamese copilot navigating with a map in its mouth. In Texas, a cat hijacked a tractor and mowed down three hay bales before calmly exiting and using the owner’s Apple Pay to order sardines.

Experts fear we’re approaching a cat-led driving revolution, where humans become the cling-ons, desperately clutching the roof while a Bengal purrs at the wheel like Vin Diesel.

THE FUTURE: CLING CULTURE GOES INTERPLANETARY

NASA is reportedly testing astro-cats trained to cling to spacecraft during launch simulations. Elon Musk, never one to resist making history or nonsense, has already tweeted:

“Mars colonization will require cling cats for morale and mid-flight cuddles. We’re bringing 14.”

A leaked rendering shows a tabby on the nose of a SpaceX rocket, eyes wide, mouth agape, and the caption:
“To infinity and meow-yond.”

HELPFUL CONTENT: SO YOU WANT TO CATCLING?

Practical Tips from the Dreamies Institute of Advanced Vehicular Whimsy:

• Breed matters: Short-haired cats cling better. Persians make great ornaments but fly off in crosswinds.

• Start slow: Let your cat cling to the vacuum first. If it survives emotionally, proceed to the hood.

• Secure snacks: Velcro-pouch collars with treats inside will motivate longer rides.

• Cling-glue recipes: A mix of peanut butter, static electricity, and wishful thinking.

• Legal tip: Don’t admit your cat “loves it.” Just say it’s a consensual ride-share agreement.

And if you feel guilty, remember:
They’d be doing this anyway if they had opposable thumbs.

WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING

“I saw a guy drive past with three cats clinging to a Ford Bronco. I said, ‘Sir, do you know your pets are on the outside?’ He said, ‘They’re not pets. They’re spoilers.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“You ever try to wrestle a cat off a Prius going 80? That’s not a traffic violation, that’s WrestleMania.”
— Ron White

“I stapled a cat to a skateboard once. Turns out it was my roommate’s toupee. We haven’t spoken since.”
— Sarah Silverman

“My cat won’t even ride in my lap, but Susan’s cat rides the roof like it’s in ‘Fast & Furry-ous.’”
— Amy Schumer

“I asked a guy why he glued a cat to his Corvette. He said, ‘Because the bumper sticker wasn’t enough.’”
— Larry David

FINAL THOUGHTS: WHO’S REALLY CLINGING?

In a world spinning out of control, maybe the Cat Cling Craze is the most honest metaphor we’ve got. Furry passengers hanging on for dear life, while humans pretend everything’s fine and keep driving full-speed into an Arby’s.

The cats aren’t confused. They know exactly what they’re doing.

They’re riding us into oblivion—with claws extended and judgment in their eyes.

HUMOROUS DISCLAIMER

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer. No cats were harmed, but several were mildly annoyed, and one was paid in shrimp to appear in a Mazda ad. We’re just trying to make sense of this flaming litter box of a trend.

Auf Wiedersehen.

The post The Cat Cling Craze appeared first on Bohiney News.