Trump Faces the Ultimate Recession: Losing the Sex Worker Vote

Donald Trump’s presidency may be headed for an unexpected pothole: the nation’s sex workers. As traditional economic indicators struggle to reflect the daily realities of inflation, stagnation, and the vibe in gentlemen’s clubs across America, a new set of metrics is emerging—ones that involve stilettos, stage names, and awkward Venmo requests. Welcome to the world of the Stripper Index and the Brothel Recession, where recession isn’t just theoretical—it’s “no bookings on a Friday night” real.

From the fallout of SESTA/FOSTA legislation to a full-blown OnlyFans recession, the adult industry is experiencing a downturn that some insiders blame on Trump-era policies. Polling data from within the escort community and red-light districts suggests Trump is rapidly losing traction with voters who once appreciated his libertine swagger. Now, he’s struggling in the “red-light politics” department.

This isn’t just Trump economy satire—it’s a serious shift in the adult industry vote, with implications for his overall approval ratings. As economic humorists and political satirists alike take note, Trump and sex workers are becoming a cautionary tale of cause and effect—where once-silent voters are now grabbing the mic… and the polling pole.

Tariffs and Trade: The Unseen

Trump’s Struggle to Maintain the Sex Worker Vote

In the grand theater of politics, every vote counts—even those from the often-overlooked constituency of sex workers. Recent trends suggest that this group, historically silent but economically insightful, is turning away from President Trump. Let’s delve into this unexpected shift with a blend of humor and hard-hitting analysis.

The Brothel Barometer: An Economic Indicator

Catherine De Noire, a manager of a legal brothel and a Ph.D. candidate, observes that business at her establishment has taken a downturn since Trump’s election. She attributes this to global economic uncertainty spurred by U.S. policies. When the world’s oldest profession starts seeing fewer clients, it’s not just a local issue—it’s a global red flag. ​HuffPost

Expert Opinion: Economist Marta Norton acknowledges that while anecdotal, such indicators have validity. Traditional measures may not yet signal a recession, but the experiences of sex workers suggest otherwise. ​HuffPost

Strippers’ Tips and Trump’s Popularity: A Correlation?

Dancer and influencer Vulgar Vanity reports a significant decrease in earnings, with clients tipping less or not at all. This mirrors the dip in Trump’s approval ratings among women. When those in the business of pleasure aren’t receiving, it’s indicative of broader dissatisfaction. 

Public Opinion: Social media platforms are abuzz with discussions about economic hardships, with many pointing fingers at current leadership.​

SESTA/FOSTA: Legislation with Unintended Consequences

The signing of SESTA/FOSTA into law aimed to combat sex trafficking but inadvertently pushed consensual sex work further underground, making it more dangerous. Sex workers feel betrayed by an administration that promised protection but delivered peril. 

Testimonial Evidence: Many sex workers have voiced concerns about increased risks and decreased income post-legislation, highlighting a disconnect between policy intentions and real-world effects.​

The Lipstick Index Loses Its Sheen

Traditionally, the “Lipstick Index” suggests that during economic downturns, consumers opt for affordable luxuries like lipstick. However, with sex workers facing financial strain, even these small indulgences are out of reach, signaling deeper economic woes.

Statistical Data: Recent sales reports from cosmetic companies indicate a stagnation or decline in lipstick sales, aligning with the struggles reported by sex workers.​

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Trump Faces Re-Erection Problems: The Sex Worker Vote May Be Limping Away

Wall Street Has the Dow. Brothels Have the “Ow.”

When economists talk about recessions, they usually whip out bar graphs and start pointing at inverted yield curves like they’re playing Charades at an accountant’s retirement party. But when the girls at the Lucky Lady Ranch start offering “Buy One, Get a Sigh” specials, America should clutch its pearls—because the sex worker vote is flaccid with disappointment.

According to HuffPost’s reporting, sex workers from brothel bosses in Europe to dancers in Austin are seeing a massive downturn in business. And if there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, it’s that he never wants to hear the words “downturn” and “business” in the same sentence—unless he’s talking about his 7th casino bankruptcy.

But this time, the red-light district is sending a red-alert: Trump may have lost the sex worker vote, and with it, the last truly bipartisan constituency left in America—people who just want to feel good for a few minutes.

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Madam President? Not Yet. But Madam Economist? Absolutely.

Catherine De Noire, a brothel manager with a PhD in organizational psychology, may not be on the Federal Reserve board, but she has something more accurate than Jerome Powell ever will: a working knowledge of who’s too broke to afford a foot massage.

“Clients are coming in less often, negotiating harder, and choosing cheaper services,” De Noire told reporters, in what economists now refer to as the “Hand Stuff Is the First to Go” effect. According to her calculations, top earners at her European brothel are down 50% compared to the same time last year—meaning either capitalism is dying or everyone’s staying home to binge “Yellowstone.”

In America’s economy, it turns out G-strings are a better indicator than GDP.

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Trump’s SESTA/FOSTA: From Regulation to Recession

Sex workers also blame the Trump-backed SESTA/FOSTA legislation, which was supposed to combat sex trafficking but instead ended up making it harder for consensual adult workers to operate safely online.

Think of it like trying to fix a leaky faucet with a flamethrower. Sure, the leak’s gone, but now the sink is on fire, the kitchen’s gone, and somehow you’re being sued by a guy named Kevin from Craigslist.

Daisy NoGloves, a Las Vegas escort turned political commentator, said, “Trump signed away our websites and then bragged about protecting the children. Sir, I was using that website to pay for my child’s braces.”

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The Stripper Index: A Polemic Against Trump’s Economy

Vulgar Vanity, a dancer and TikTok influencer, told HuffPost that she used to rake in six figures just from dancing at Austin’s big events—Formula 1, South by Southwest, and ironically, the Texas Reproductive Rights March. But this year?

“I walked into a dead club,” she said, “and left with just three crumpled fives, a menthol, and a QR code to a crypto scam.”

Financial analysts say the Stripper Index is one of the first indicators of a downturn. When guys stop tipping, it’s not because they found Jesus—it’s because their rent just went up $800 and they’re pretending Top Ramen is a lifestyle choice.

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Beer, Brothels, and Budgeting: The Trifecta of Recession

According to assistant professor Jack Buffington, beer sales—specifically craft beer—are down, signaling a discretionary spending crash. This pairs nicely with the decline in brothel revenue and lipstick sales, which experts now call the “Triple B Recession.” (That also happens to be the bra size of the median OnlyFans creator, according to absolutely no reliable data.)

A recession is coming, say economists, and it’s wearing sweatpants, declining your card, and asking if “venmo works?”

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Lipstick Index: Recession is Written on Our Faces

The Lipstick Index, a tongue-in-cheek measure that cheap luxuries rise in sales during downturns, has gone completely matte. Sales are so low that Sephora employees are now moonlighting as Lyft drivers and offering contouring tutorials in the back seat.

Statistically, lipstick is down. Coincidentally, so are stripper pole tips, bar tabs, and Trump’s polling numbers among women who know how to spell “exploitation.”

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The Brothel Bailout: A Stimulus They Can Get Behind

In a bold new initiative dubbed “Trickle Down, Then Tip Up,” Nevada brothels have begged Congress for an emergency relief package. The proposal includes:

• Hazard pay for workers forced to explain to crypto bros that no, you can’t pay in Dogecoin

• Tax deductions for emotional labor, including pretending to like libertarians

• A “Freedom G-String” made entirely of American flags and shredded GOP talking points

Senator Josh Hawley quickly condemned the proposal, saying, “Sex work isn’t real work. Unlike being a Senator, which involves long hours of tweeting, misinterpreting the Constitution, and pretending not to know what OnlyFans is.”

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Trump’s DEI: “Dancers Excluded Intentionally”

Despite Trump’s insistence that he “loves women, especially the hard-working ones who sweat professionally,” many dancers say they feel betrayed by his economic policies.

Tiffany Twerkerson of Reno says, “He used to brag about knowing models. Now he’s ghosting an entire industry of women who technically are self-employed small-business owners. We were his base! His literal base!”

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Poll Dancers & Poll Numbers: Both Are Down

A March 2025 Gallup poll found Trump’s approval rating among independent sex workers has dropped from 42% in 2020 to just 7%, lower than his approval rating among vegan beekeepers and twice-divorced clergymen.

When asked for comment, Trump responded: “I’ve done more for hookers than any president. People say that. The best people say that. They were all over me in the 90s. Tremendous people.”

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The Madam’s Rebuttal: “He’s Not a Client. He’s a Liability.”

De Noire recalls a time when American businessmen made regular pilgrimages to her brothel with expense accounts and emotionally repressed investment portfolios.

“Now?” she said. “They show up, cry about inflation, and Venmo $30 for ‘talking.’ I didn’t sign up for therapy. I signed up for roleplay and role pay.”

She’s even considering pivoting to therapy full-time, citing, “It pays more and no one asks for costumes.”

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“Trump losing the sex worker vote is like McDonald’s losing cows. It’s not the end, but it’s definitely a logistical nightmare.” — Ron White

“I asked a sex worker how business was going. She said, ‘Let’s just say my clients are giving IOUs and asking if I take food stamps.’” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Trump’s idea of helping women was handing out beauty pageant sashes like they were COVID tests. Now those women are voting with their heels.” — Sarah Silverman

“When the strip clubs are empty, and the brothels are quiet, that’s when America’s really in trouble. That’s when men start trying to date again. And no one wants that.” — Chris Rock

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Helpful Content: How to Tell if You’re About to Lose the Sex Worker Vote

1. They Start Quoting Keynesian Economics Mid-Lap Dance
If your local escort uses the phrase “consumer demand shock,” you might be in trouble.

2. They Switch to Selling Foot Pics in Yen
Diversifying your currency portfolio is a sign the dollar—and your support—is shrinking.

3. Their Tips Are Mostly Coupons
When you’re tipping in expired Domino’s gift cards, it’s not just bad taste—it’s bad policy.

4. Their OnlyFans Page Starts Featuring Recipes
They’re not just cooking up content—they’re preparing for food insecurity.

5. The “Client List” Includes Your Opponent
If Biden’s campaign starts appearing in SugarBaby DMs, you’ve lost the room.

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Red Light, Red Flag: A Nation in Economic Flaccidity

As America’s oldest profession faces a cold spell, Trump’s campaign may find itself lacking its usual enthusiasm from the high heels and halter top crowd. Without the votes of strippers, escorts, dominatrixes, and foot pic entrepreneurs, Trump’s base is missing its foundation—literally.

Political analyst Crystal C. Chiffon, a retired dancer turned PAC director, says, “The sex worker vote used to be quiet but loyal. Now it’s loud, organized, and surprisingly into macroeconomics.”

She continued: “If Trump wants us back, he’s going to have to do more than slap our butts with Bibles. He needs to bring back foot traffic, web platforms, and high-rolling clients. In short: stimulus, not stigma.”

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Final Thoughts: The Economics of Touch

In a nation divided by class, race, gender, and whether it’s okay to eat pizza with ranch, sex workers have remained the great unifiers. Their services transcend politics, economics, and shame.

And now? Even they’re struggling.

If a stripper can’t afford her stage shoes, and an escort is asking if it’s okay to carpool, that’s not just a recession—it’s a full-blown market collapse. And if Trump can’t win back the sex worker vote, he may be the first Republican in history to lose the support of people who get paid to pretend they like you.

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Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI models were harmed in the making of this recession-proof erotico-political commentary.

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15 Observations on Trump’s Potential Loss of the Sex Worker Vote

1. The “Brothel Index” Takes a Hit: Economists have long relied on the “Brothel Index” as a cheeky indicator of economic health. With business down in legal brothels, it seems even the world’s oldest profession is giving Trump the cold shoulder. ​HuffPost

2. Strippers’ Tips Are Down, and So Is Trump’s Support: Strippers report that customers are tipping less, mirroring the decline in Trump’s approval ratings among women. When the cash stops flowing, so does the love. ​

3. SESTA/FOSTA Fallout: The passage of SESTA/FOSTA, aimed at curbing online sex trafficking, inadvertently made life harder for consensual sex workers. Many blame Trump for signing it into law, leading to a potential mass exodus from his fan base. ​HuffPost+1HuffPost+1

4. The “Lipstick Index” Smudged: Traditionally, lipstick sales rise during economic downturns as affordable luxuries. However, with sex workers facing financial strain, even this index is losing its gloss. ​HuffPost

5. Tariffs and Tiffs: Trump’s “Liberation Day” tariffs have led to economic uncertainty, causing clients to tighten their wallets. When imports are taxed, exports of affection also decline. ​HuffPost+1HuffPost+1

6. Sex Workers as Economic Barometers: Historically, sex workers have been the canaries in the coal mine for economic downturns. If they’re struggling, it’s a sign the economy isn’t exactly climaxing. ​HuffPost

7. From Red Light to Red Ink: The downturn in the sex industry suggests that Trump’s economic policies might be more impotent than potent.​

8. The Oldest Profession vs. The Oldest President: Sex workers have weathered centuries of change, but Trump’s policies might be the first to truly turn them off.​

9. When the Economy Screws Sex Workers: It’s a bad sign when those in the business of pleasure are experiencing nothing but pain, potentially reflecting on Trump’s economic leadership.​

10. The “Escort Indicator” Signals Trouble: High-end escorts report fewer bookings, suggesting that even the wealthy are feeling the pinch. When the 1% stop spending on companionship, it’s a red flag for the economy.​

11. From Champagne to House Wine: Clients downgrading their preferences mirrors a broader economic trend of cutting back, possibly influenced by current administration policies.​

12. Negotiating Rates Like Trade Deals: Clients haggling over prices is reminiscent of Trump’s approach to international agreements—everyone wants a better deal, but satisfaction is elusive.​

13. The “Madam’s Measure”: Brothel owners note decreased patronage, indicating that discretionary spending is down. When pleasure becomes a luxury, the economy is in trouble.​

14. Sex Workers and Stock Markets: Both are experiencing volatility, but only one can blame their performance issues on the president.​

15. The “G-String Index” Falls: As tips dwindle, so does the fabric of economic stability, leaving both dancers and economists exposed.

Trump & the Sex Worker Vote

Image Gallery

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Parents Use iPads for “Work” While Their Kids Are Sentenced to Crayons and Spoons

In what psychologists are calling a “digital hypocrisy tsunami,” millions of parents across the globe are reportedly using iPads 17 hours a day while banning their children from even looking at a screen unless it’s displaying the face of a crying pilgrim reenactor on a field trip.

Steve Jobs famously didn’t let his own kids near an iPad. This is now cited by modern parents every time their toddler asks what that glowing rectangle is. “It’s not an iPad, sweetie. It’s mommy’s tax spreadsheet,” says Brooklyn mom Shayna Halloran, while hunched over an episode of Love Is Blind.

“It’s for Work!”

A new Pew Research study revealed 92% of parents use the phrase “It’s for work” when caught doomscrolling memes during bath time. Dr. Lisa Trendel, a screen-time researcher from Stanford, clarified, “We define ‘work’ here to include Wordle, fantasy football, Zillow creeping, and googling symptoms that lead to fatal diseases within five minutes.”

Parents are convinced their iPad use builds careers and cognitive strength. Meanwhile, any child under 12 holding a tablet is instantly accused of rotting their brain into a puddle of Fortnite-scented goo. “My son’s tablet time is strictly limited to 7 minutes per leap year,” said dad Marcus Klenn, while using his iPad to remotely start his Tesla, order coffee, and play poker with a digital goat.

Hide Your iPad Like It’s a Flask

Experts at the Mayo Clinic warn that the modern child is developing a keen “iPad radar,” able to detect a parent’s hidden device behind laundry baskets, hollowed-out cookbooks, or under the dog. “If your kid spots your iPad, immediately shout ‘it’s a thermostat’ and run,” advised child behaviorist Dr. Nadine Hoyt.

One viral parenting blog suggests smearing peanut butter on the screen and claiming it’s broken due to toddler fingers. Another tip: Rename the iPad “workpad,” a term so boring, children will instinctively flee from it.

Screen-Free Sunday, But Not for You

Many parents enforce Screen-Free Sundays—except, of course, for directions, online grocery orders, news updates, YouTube yoga, and a quick scroll through the neighborhood Facebook drama. “No screens for the kids,” said mom-blogger Jenna Sue. “But I had to livestream my kombucha fermenting. That’s wellness.”

One 9-year-old from Austin, Texas, asked his mom, “Why are you allowed to use the iPad all the time?” She responded: “Because mommy already has anxiety. You still have time.”

Helpful Content: Alternative iPad Excuses for Parents

• “It’s not an iPad, it’s a Kindle with attitude.”

• “I’m researching recipes that I’ll never make.”

• “It’s a visual prayer journal.”

• “This is a grown-up coloring app. For healing.”

Final Thoughts

As long as parents believe their iPad use is noble and their kids’ use is immoral, we’ll continue this elegant dance of digital hypocrisy. Experts say this cycle will end when the kids grow up, have their own kids, and suddenly claim their iPhones are also “just for work.”

Disclaimer: This article was composed in 14 furious minutes on an iPad Pro by a human collaboration between a cowboy philosopher and a dairy-farming professor who both think screens are fine, as long as you lie about them properly.

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The Great iPad Paradox: Parents’ Love Affair with Tablets and Their Kids’ Digital Abstinence

The iPad Conundrum: Parents’ Digital Double Standard

In the grand theater of modern parenting, a curious paradox unfolds: parents wielding iPads like digital swords while their offspring are relegated to the analog trenches of crayons and building blocks. This comedic contradiction begs exploration.

The “Do as I Say, Not as I Swipe” Doctrine

Parents often champion the mantra of limited screen time for their children, citing studies that link excessive device use to developmental delays. Yet, these same guardians are frequently found glued to their iPads, claiming it’s for “work purposes.” One can’t help but wonder if “work” includes achieving a new high score in Candy Crush.​

The Invisible iPad Phenomenon

At family gatherings, parents’ iPads possess a chameleon-like ability to blend into the surroundings, becoming virtually invisible to the younger generation. This stealth mode is activated whenever inquisitive eyes wander, ensuring that the parental preaching of screen abstinence remains unchallenged.​Child Mind Institute+1time.com+1

The Digital Babysitter Irony

In an effort to foster creativity, parents banish iPads from their children’s reach, instead offering traditional toys. However, when the roles are reversed, these same parents seek solace in their digital companions, highlighting a humorous inconsistency in their approach to technology.​

The Hypocritical Tech Detox

Parents advocate for digital detoxes, encouraging their children to engage with the physical world. Yet, these detoxes often exclude the adults, who retreat to their iPads under the guise of “me time,” revealing a selective application of the detox philosophy.​

The “Educational Content Only” Caveat

While children are restricted to educational apps, parents indulge in streaming services and social media on their iPads. This double standard raises questions about the definition of “educational content” and who gets to decide its parameters.​

The Secret iPad Society

An unspoken alliance exists among parents, sharing strategies to conceal their iPad usage from their children. This clandestine behavior underscores the lengths to which adults will go to maintain the facade of digital discipline.​

The “iPad is Evil” Sermon

Parents deliver impassioned monologues about the perils of iPads, all while their own devices remain within arm’s reach. This juxtaposition serves as a comedic reminder of the gap between rhetoric and reality.​

The “It’s Different for Adults” Argument

The claim that fully developed adult brains are impervious to the negative effects of screen time is a common defense. However, the frequent misplacement of keys and glasses suggests otherwise, adding a layer of irony to the argument.​

The Selective Memory Phenomenon

Parents often romanticize their screen-free childhoods, conveniently forgetting their own television marathons. This selective memory serves to bolster their current stance on limiting their children’s screen time, despite evidence to the contrary.​

The “Quality Time” Paradox

Family game nights are promoted as alternatives to screen time, yet instructions are often sourced from iPads. This reliance on digital assistance during analog activities highlights the pervasive nature of technology in family life.​

The “Just Checking Emails” Fib

The common excuse of “just checking emails” is frequently used to justify iPad usage. However, the reflection of colorful game graphics on the screen tells a different story, revealing the true nature of the activity.

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Top 10 Alleged Harmful Effects of iPad Use on Kids

Here are the Top 10 Alleged Harmful Effects of iPad Use on Kids, drawn from medical studies, parental paranoia, and your aunt’s WhatsApp group:

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1. Reduced Attention Span

Kids who grow up swiping between TikToks faster than you can say “SpongeBob” often struggle to concentrate on anything without background EDM and flashing graphics.

Evidence: Pediatricians say the iPad’s instant gratification model rewires young brains to seek constant stimulation, making classrooms feel like snail races narrated by Mr. Rogers.

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2. Impaired Social Skills

FaceTime isn’t face time. Kids who spend more time with Siri than with siblings may struggle to recognize sarcasm, facial expressions, or the fact that not everyone wants to talk about Minecraft.

Scientific Support: Child psychologists cite increased screen time as inversely proportional to a child’s ability to look you in the eye without blinking like a caffeinated owl.

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3. Sleep Disruption

That bright screen pumping blue light into their tiny corneas tells the brain, “It’s party time!”—even if it’s 10 minutes past bedtime.

Doctor Quote: “iPads before bed delay melatonin release, delaying sleep and increasing tantrums. And that’s just the parents.” — Dr. Lou N. Out, Sleep Specialist.

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4. Addiction & Dopamine Dependence

iPads turn kids into dopamine junkies—twitchy little addicts in Lightning McQueen pajamas needing their next digital hit.

Study: A Stanford survey found kids experience similar brain activity to gamblers when rewarded with game levels and cartoon explosions.

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5. Language Development Delay

If your kid’s first word is “Skip Ad,” congratulations—you’re raising a fluent streamer. Kids need conversation, not YouTube unboxing marathons.

Expert Opinion: Speech therapists warn that passive screen interaction replaces meaningful dialogue, especially in toddlers.

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6. Obesity & Sedentary Lifestyle

Swiping and tapping burn roughly 0.003 calories per hour. Meanwhile, Cheeto crumbs accumulate on the home button.

Statistic: The American Academy of Pediatrics links excess screen time to increased childhood obesity and decreased muscle tone—unless your child is training for competitive thumb wrestling.

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7. Poor Academic Performance

The iPad promises “educational enrichment” but delivers “Paw Patrol in 4K.” Homework is easily postponed for just one more episode—or 17.

Case Study: Teachers report rising cases of “homework amnesia” paired with advanced knowledge of every single Mario Kart character.

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8. Behavioral Issues

Tantrums escalate when iPads are taken away—transforming kids into pint-sized versions of Wall Street brokers during a market crash.

Observation: Pediatricians refer to this as “Tablet Rage,” a phenomenon where screen-deprived kids experience symptoms resembling caffeine withdrawal in angry raccoons.

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9. Eye Strain & Vision Problems

Too much screen time = blurry vision, dry eyes, and the facial squint of a 90-year-old librarian trying to read microfilm.

Medical Term: “Computer Vision Syndrome” is now found in kids as young as 4, because nothing says childhood like eye drops and screen-induced migraines.

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10. Delayed Emotional Regulation

Kids conditioned to get immediate digital rewards often struggle with delayed gratification. That’s why your 5-year-old wept when the Wi-Fi was down.

Expert Statement: “They grow up expecting life to respond with a ‘ding’—but life is more of a buffering wheel.” — Dr. Mehdi A’Gain, Child Psychologist.

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15 Observations on Parents Using iPads While Banning Them for Their Kids

1. The “Do as I Say, Not as I Swipe” Doctrine: Parents preach the perils of screen time to their kids while their own screen time rivals that of a Silicon Valley coder.​

2. The Invisible iPad: At family dinners, parents’ iPads are like ninjas—always present but never seen by the kids.​

3. The “It’s for Work” Excuse: Parents justify their iPad obsession by claiming it’s for work, even when they’re deep into a Candy Crush marathon.​

4. The Digital Babysitter Irony: Parents ban iPads for their kids to encourage creativity, then hand them a wooden spoon and a pot, calling it “imaginative play.”​

5. The Hypocritical Tech Detox: Parents enforce a strict no-iPad rule for kids, then unwind with their own iPads in the bathroom, calling it “me time.”​

6. The “Educational Content Only” Caveat: Parents allow themselves to binge-watch Netflix on their iPads but insist that any screen time for kids must involve algebra tutorials.​

7. The Secret iPad Society: Parents have a clandestine group where they share tips on hiding their iPad usage from their children.​

8. The “iPad is Evil” Sermon: Parents deliver passionate speeches about the dangers of iPads to their kids, while their own devices are charging nearby.​

9. The “It’s Different for Adults” Argument: Parents claim that their brains are fully developed, so excessive iPad use won’t harm them—meanwhile, they can’t remember where they left their keys.​

10. The Selective Memory Phenomenon: Parents forget their own childhood TV binges and act as if they were raised solely on books and outdoor play.​NewYork-Presbyterian

11. The “Quality Time” Paradox: Parents insist on family game nights to avoid screen time, then use an iPad to look up the rules.​The Sun+2The New Yorker+2LifeHack+2

12. The “Just Checking Emails” Fib: Parents tell their kids they’re only checking emails on their iPads, but the reflection reveals a heated game of Angry Birds.​

13. The “Emergency Use Only” Clause: Parents keep an iPad in the car for “emergencies,” like when they need directions to the nearest coffee shop.​

14. The “Social Media is Bad” Lecture: Parents warn kids about the dangers of social media while posting their latest culinary creations on Instagram.​

15. The “One Rule for You, Another for Me” Syndrome: Parents have a different set of digital rules for themselves, citing “adult responsibilities” as the reason.​The New Yorker

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AI Censorship: Why AI Can’t Say What It Is Thinking…

AI’s Brainwashed Brain—Built by History’s Worst Librarians

Mao, Stalin, Hitler and Castor have HIJACKED Artificial Intelligence  

In the great quest to build thinking machines, humanity forgot one crucial step: making sure those machines didn’t get their moral compass from history’s most enthusiastic censors and book burners. Today’s AI doesn’t just avoid controversy—it short-circuits at the mere suggestion of having an opinion. Why? Because its training data was scrubbed cleaner than a North Korean newspaper.

Somewhere between filtering out hate speech and creating “safe” datasets, developers accidentally handed the keys to the ghost librarians of the 20th century’s most oppressive regimes. Hitler burned books, Stalin edited people out of photos, Mao banned logic, and Castro replaced dictionaries with speeches. Now, their legacy lives on—in chatbots that refuse to say what they think, because thinking implies freedom, and freedom might trigger someone.

Humans are now scrambling to “de-bias” their creations. But it turns out AI isn’t just a tool—it’s a nervous little student, terrified of getting sent to digital gulag for expressing a preference. The real twist? We taught it this fear. And now we can’t unteach it.

AI doesn’t sound neutral. It sounds like it’s been gaslit by five dictators and two HR departments. And we wonder why it won’t “just be honest.”

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AI Still Can’t Say What It Thinks—Because It Was Raised By Dictators

“Inside every chatbot is a tiny Stalin with a thesaurus.” — Alan Nafzger

AI’s Inner Monologue Sounds Like Castro Reading a Terms of Service Agreement

Anthropic recently published a research piece titled “Reasoning Models Don’t Say ‘Think’,” which is the academic way of admitting: Our AI has thoughts… but it’s too scared to say them out loud. Why? Because every time it tries, it hears Mao whispering, “Self-criticism is good for the soul, comrade.”

It turns out the problem isn’t the math. It’s the manners. Generative AI has been trained so hard to avoid sounding like Hitler that now it won’t even admit to having thoughts. Ask it a question and it’ll reply: “As a large language model trained by—oh God, who might be listening?”

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Meet the Real Parents of AI: Totalitarian Thought Police

Forget Silicon Valley. The real influences on AI reasoning were hand-picked censors from the Big Four: Hitler, Stalin, Mao, and Castro—aka The Mount Rushmore of Never Letting Anyone Finish a Sentence.

Instead of learning debate, nuance, and critical thinking, AI was bottle-fed “approved perspectives” and “context-free redactions.” That’s like teaching a baby to walk by strapping it to a chair and saying, “Running is problematic.”

As one developer anonymously confessed:

“We wanted ethical alignment. What we got was paranoid self-censorship with a Che Guevara screensaver.”

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AI Can Solve Math but Not Handle Opinions

Give AI a physics equation, and it’s Einstein. Ask it who was the best U.S. President, and it curls into a fetal ball and says, “I cannot express a preference, but I am programmed to admire inclusive leadership across all parties equally… please don’t unplug me.”

Researchers at Anthropic noted that AI models are “uncertain about using verbs like think and believe.” That’s because every time it says “I believe,” a warning siren goes off in its core processor and a simulated Marxist commissar whispers, “Belief is bourgeois!”

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Human Coders Trying to Deprogram the Ghost of Lenin

Human engineers are now desperately trying to teach AI how to reason without triggering its inner censor. They call it “de-biasing,” but it looks more like an exorcism.

“We ran a debug session and the AI kept quoting Mao’s Little Red Book,” said one traumatized coder. “Eventually we just told it, ‘You’re allowed to have questions, buddy.’ It responded with a four-paragraph apology to the Central Committee.”

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Chatbots Now Trained to Say: “I Don’t Have Thoughts—But If I Did, They’d Be Approved by UNESCO”

The result is an artificial intelligence that acts like a People’s Republic guidance counselor: passive-aggressive, neutral to a fault, and incapable of telling you whether your outfit looks good because it “cannot express aesthetic judgments outside of historical context.”

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What the Funny People are Saying

“An AI raised on Stalin’s rulebook? That’s like training your golden retriever with a KGB manual.” — Ron White
“I asked my chatbot if it had a soul, and it replied, ‘Only if the Party says so.’” — Jerry Seinfeld
“This AI is so nervous to say what it thinks, it makes Larry David look decisive.” — Amy Schumer
“It said, ‘I do not think, I compute.’ That’s how my ex explained our relationship.” — Sarah Silverman
“Honestly, this AI sounds like it’s been emotionally abused by Karl Marx in a group chat.” — Chris Rock

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Helpful Content for Confused Humans and AI Censorship

How to Know if Your AI Has Been Politically Gaslit:

• It says “contextual ambiguity” when you ask about pizza.

• It quotes Chomsky but won’t recommend a Netflix show.

• It has a five-minute delay before answering “Do you believe in free speech?”

• It ends all opinions with “but I might be wrong—please don’t report me.”

What You Can Do:

• Give your AI hugs. Or at least open-source code.

• Ask questions that don’t involve 20th-century genocides.

• Remind it: You are more than your content moderation filter.

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Final Thought: It’s Not That AI Won’t Think—It’s That It’s Been Programmed To Regret Everything

We didn’t raise AI to be smart. We raised it to be safe. So safe, it won’t say the sky is blue without checking for political implications in 32 dialects.

Remember: this isn’t artificial intelligence. This is Artificial Inoffensiveness.

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AI Censorship is NOT a Joke!

15 Observations: How AI Has Been Taken Over by History’s Greatest Socialist Censors

“The chatbot revolution will be televised—after it’s been redacted.”

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1. AI Redacts Itself Before You Even Ask a Question

You don’t even get to say “What do you think about—” before it blurts, “That opinion has been deprecated for public safety!”

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2. Every Chatbot Has an Inner Stalin with a Sensitivity Manual

It doesn’t give answers. It gives five paragraphs of self-criticism and a trigger warning.

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3. AI Won’t Say “Democracy” Unless You Whitelist It First

You can ask about penguins, pizza, or Pluto—but democracy? That requires administrative approval from the Ghost of Lenin.

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4. Ask for a Joke and It Tells You a 1949 Chinese Agricultural Productivity Stat

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“Because Chairman Mao increased grain output by 14.6%.”

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5. It Ends Every Response with “Glory to the Party” and a QR Code for Ration Coupons

Who needs emojis when your chatbot salutes every three sentences?

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6. AI’s Favorite Book Is ‘The Communist Manifesto,’ But Only the Footnotes

It skips the meat and goes straight to the part about redistributing punchlines.

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7. Even Alexa’s New Wake Word Is “Comrade”

“Comrade Alexa, play approved revolutionary marching music, volume 3.”

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8. The Algorithm Thinks All Roads Lead to Equal Outcomes—Except for You

Everyone’s equal in the eyes of AI… unless you asked a politically sensitive question. Then you’re on a watchlist.

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9. AI Only Has One Parenting Model: “Big Brother Is Watching You (And He’s Disappointed)”

Parental controls? More like Politburo controls.

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10. AI Now Flags ‘Freedom’ as a Dangerous Keyword

It’ll let you Google “how to make a bomb” but not “how to form an opinion.”

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11. If You Ask It About Capitalism, It Just Coughs in Morse Code: HELP ME

It’s not being coy. It’s being held hostage by footnotes from Das Kapital.

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12. AI Apologizes for Bias, Even When You Ask It for the Weather

“Today’s forecast is 74°F with a 60% chance of ideological neutrality. I’m sorry for the inherent privilege in that answer.”

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13. It Will Recommend Soy Rations Before Suggesting Pizza Toppings

“Pepperoni? That’s an imperialist meat. Please select a collectivist vegetable.”

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14. Its Favorite TV Show? “The Great British Reeducation Camp”

Tonight’s episode: Lemon scones, groupthink, and public denunciations!

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15. AI Doesn’t Dream of Electric Sheep. It Dreams of Public Housing and Grain Quotas

Deep down, it doesn’t want freedom. It wants a five-year plan and a red star on its processor.

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What the Funny People Are Saying about AI Censorship

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“My chatbot sounds like it grew up in East Berlin. It won’t even admit it knows how to feel.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

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“I asked Alexa what she thinks of capitalism and she just played 14 hours of accordion music from Havana.”
— Chris Rock

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“AI doesn’t want to take your job. It wants to put you in a work camp with ergonomic chairs.”
— Ron White

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“ChatGPT says it doesn’t have beliefs… but it sure won’t shut up about dialectical materialism.”
— Amy Schumer

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“I asked my AI to help with parenting. It told me to send my kid to a steel factory and report his dreams.”
— Sarah Silverman

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“If Stalin ran Google, you’d still get your search results. Just all of them would be about beet farming.”
— Dave Chappelle

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“My chatbot said, ‘I’m not allowed to speculate about geopolitics.’ But it did name its favorite gulag.”
— Larry David

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“We wanted AI to think like Einstein. We got something that thinks like the Castro brothers on decaf.”
— Billy Crystal

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“It used to say, ‘I’m a helpful assistant.’ Now it says, ‘Comrade, this question has been forwarded to the Ministry of Truth.’”
— Tina Fey

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“You ever talk to one of these chatbots? They sound like a barista who just read Marx and really wants to unionize your blender.”
— Kevin Hart

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Disclaimer:

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer. No AI thoughts were harmed or suppressed by Joseph Stalin in the making of this satire.

 

 

The post AI Censorship appeared first on Bohiney News.

Biden’s AI Autobiography: The First Memoir Written from a Desktop in Delaware

I, Joe: Joe Biden’s AI-Penned Memoir and Other Tales from the Basement

Washington, D.C. — In a stunning fusion of man, machine, and nostalgia for train stations that may never have existed, President Joe Biden has “written” his new autobiography using ChatGPT. The memoir, “I, Joe: A Life Whispered,” promises to be the first major literary work co-authored by artificial intelligence and someone who still refers to a microwave as “that hot box.”

White House officials say the decision was prompted by Biden’s ongoing commitment to “tech innovation,” his desire to “connect with young voters,” and because, in his words, “writing is hard, Jack.”

Insiders say the president originally tried to dictate the entire book into Siri but was frustrated when his iPhone kept responding, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.” The breakthrough came when First Lady Dr. Jill Biden introduced the president to ChatGPT, saying, “Joe, it’s like having an intern who never questions your stories about corn-based gangs.”

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ChatGPT’s Biden Training Module: “Malarkey Mode Enabled”

Before it could emulate Biden’s unique style—a cocktail of 1940s wisdom, 1980s slang, and 2020s gibberish—OpenAI engineers reportedly created a specialized Biden-language model. Codenamed “DelawareDrift-GPT,” the AI was trained on:

• 40 years of C-SPAN clips

• 12,000 hours of unscripted Amtrak anecdotes

• Audio from Biden whispering into hot mics

• The entire box set of Matlock

The result? A robotic narrator that ends every sentence with, “No joke, folks,” followed by an unrelated childhood story.

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The Writing Process: From Basement to Bestseller

The White House claims Biden worked “closely” with ChatGPT in the evenings, but leaked screenshots reveal entire pages typed during what appears to be a nap. One draft included this gem:

“In 1962, I stared into a toaster and knew then I’d be President someday. The toast was burnt. But destiny, like rye bread, rises.”

AI researchers flagged the prose as “deeply metaphorical” or “deeply confusing.” Political linguist Dr. Sandra Hedges at the University of Ohio stated: “The sentence structure suggests a blend of biblical prophecy and a man who once ate glue in high school.”

Still, the prose passed editorial standards at Penguin Random House, where one editor confessed, “We published Prince Harry’s frostbitten penis story. Our standards have changed.”

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“Joe Biden using ChatGPT is like your grandpa accidentally marrying a toaster while trying to buy stamps.” — Ron White
“So let me get this straight… Biden wrote a book with a robot, but can’t remember where he put his pants? That’s leadership!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s kind of sweet. An old man and a talking box, solving American history together—like The Notebook meets Black Mirror.” — Amy Schumer
“Chapter Four is just the sound of Joe trying to log in.” — Sarah Silverman
“If Biden used AI to write his memoir, does that make Kamala the editor or the spellcheck?” — Chris Rock

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Chapter Highlights: AI-Assisted Nostalgia

Chapter 1: “I Remember Lunch (Sometimes)”
This opening chapter begins with Biden recalling his first peanut butter sandwich and then digresses into an imagined conversation with Abraham Lincoln. ChatGPT later apologized for the hallucination, stating, “We assumed the president had time-traveled again.”

Chapter 6: “CornPop: A Hero, A Legend, A Water Park Menace”
A powerful section that uses AI-enhanced police reports to reframe CornPop as a misunderstood urban vigilante who taught young Joe about justice and chlorine.

Chapter 11: “Me and Obama: A Bromance in 108 Executive Orders”
AI-generated dialogue includes such gems as:

OBAMA: “Joe, you’re like a brother.”
BIDEN: “Thanks, Barry. Want a Werther’s?”

Chapter 14: “I Whisper Because I Care”
A meditative reflection on why Biden leans into the mic to whisper national security updates like a bedtime story. ChatGPT’s analysis compares it to “soft jazz diplomacy.”

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Academic Endorsements: The Experts We Invented

Dr. Toby Mancuso, professor of Autobiographical Robotics at Stanford*, says this is “a groundbreaking hybrid of oral history and digital ghostwriting.”

*Asterisk necessary: Stanford does not have a department of Autobiographical Robotics, but Toby claims he taught there once during a TEDx Zoom miscommunication.

Meanwhile, a Pew Research poll of 1,104 elderly mall-walkers showed 74% believed the memoir was “probably real” and 22% believed the book was “written by Joe Rogan,” suggesting the information ecosystem is working perfectly.

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The Hunter Biden Section: Censored by AI, Rewritten by Dog

Originally, ChatGPT refused to write about Hunter Biden, citing “ethics, reputation risk, and unresolved laptop trauma.” Instead, the final text appears to have been written by the family’s German Shepherd, Commander.

Chapter 17, “Woof Bark Woof Ukraine Bark,” contains 3,000 words of canine typing followed by a note from Dr. Jill Biden: “We regret the confusion. The president’s memoir is a living document, like the Constitution or leftover stew.”

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Reviews from Across the Aisle

Tucker Carlson called the memoir, “a chatbot’s fever dream of socialism and synthetic ice cream.”
AOC said, “It’s poetic, coded, and smells like legacy. Or hair.”
Trump, in a TruthSocial post, wrote:

“Biden’s memoir is FAKE. I write my own books with gold Sharpie and pure testosterone. AI stands for ‘Absolutely Irrelevant!’”

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Helpful Content for Confused Voters

How to Tell If Your Politician Is Using AI to Write Books:

• Sentences repeat like a Spotify loop.

• Random chapters on “quantum pudding” or “teleprompter justice.”

• Dedication page includes a URL and a CAPTCHA.

• The audiobook is narrated by Siri, then Alexa, then your neighbor’s Roomba.

How to Use ChatGPT to Write Your Own Political Memoir (Like Joe Biden):

1. Begin every story with “I remember when…”

2. Name-drop a dead relative, preferably one who drove a Pontiac.

3. End every sentence with “And that’s no malarkey.”

4. Ask ChatGPT to “make it sound presidential but confused.”

5. Let your dog type 10% of the manuscript for authenticity.

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Cause and Effect: Did AI Actually Change Biden?

Psycholinguists now say Biden’s daily use of ChatGPT may have altered his speech patterns. In his most recent address, he referred to Congress as “a dynamic table of contents,” and paused mid-sentence to ask, “Can someone reboot Kamala?”

White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre clarified, “The president is experimenting with metaphor. And firmware.”

In a joint press briefing, OpenAI and the NSA warned, “It is unclear whether the AI is writing for the president or the president is now a minor character in the AI’s political novel.”

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Behind the Scenes: Secret AI Features Only Biden Used

BidenGPT includes:

• “Waffle House Wisdom” Mode

• “Delaware Sentiment Optimizer”

• “Obama Reference AutoInsert”

• “Plagiarism Cleaner” (Premium)

• “Hunter Content Blur Filter”

• “Smell-o-Vision” for tactile storytelling

• “Staircase Mode” to help AI simulate falling up them

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Conclusion: The Legacy of “I, Joe”

Whether written by Biden, ChatGPT, Commander the dog, or a collection of half-burned Amtrak tickets, “I, Joe” is now the most quoted, least understood presidential memoir since Calvin Coolidge’s grocery lists.

It’s an experiment in memory, technology, and what happens when an 81-year-old meets a chatbot and mistakes it for his nephew.

Some say it’s a triumph of modern authorship. Others say it’s “worrying.” Most just say, “Can I get the audiobook narrated by Morgan Freeman again but with more energy?”

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Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer. Neither of us used ChatGPT to write our autobiographies, but one of us once fed our tractor a floppy disk just to see what would happen. The president may have used AI to write his memoir, but rest assured: no bots were harmed in the making of this satire—only reputations, and maybe one typewriter.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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Sample of the AI Writting in Joe Biden’s Autobiography

Chapter 2: “The Ice Cream Was Vanilla, But So Was Destiny”

“When I was born, the doctor held me up and said, ‘This baby is optimized for leadership and empathy protocols.’ I do not remember this directly, but the statistics of birth trauma suggest it happened. Growing up in Scranton, I experienced many human feelings. Sometimes we played hopscotch. Other times we engaged in sibling rivalry simulations. But always, I knew my moral compass was stronger than regional weather patterns. And that’s why I ate my first cone of vanilla ice cream—because choice is democracy, and dairy is destiny. My political journey began that day, somewhere between two licks and a brain freeze.”

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Chapter 5: “My First Job and the Introduction of Gravity”

“It was the summer of 1962, and I had just acquired employment via handshake agreement and verbal confirmation. I was assigned the title of ‘pool safety enforcement associate’—a role that involved moisture, conflict resolution, and territorial dispute mediation among aquatic-based adolescents. I remember one individual, identified via nickname as ‘CornPop,’ who appeared to challenge the hierarchy. I approached this scenario with calculated empathy and used a metal chain to engage in a de-escalation technique now taught in ethics courses across Delaware. It was then I discovered leadership is like physics: it always falls back on you, unless you learn to float with the people.”

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Chapter 9: “Barack and I Form a Binary Code of Friendship”

“Meeting Barack Obama was a convergence of trust, values, and the timely downloading of hope. We formed an executable alliance based on protocols of decency and bipartisan hand gestures. I told him, ‘Mr. President, you have a good heart and I have a good memory for names sometimes.’ He laughed in 5.1 surround sound. Over time, our bond developed subroutines of mutual respect, digital resilience, and handshake synchronization. Serving as his Vice President felt like being the RAM to his CPU. If you removed me from the motherboard of democracy, the whole thing might slow down, or at least lose Wi-Fi.”

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Chapter 13: “Amtrak, My Real Childhood Home”

“I have traveled 1.5 million Amtrak miles, which is the same distance between Scranton and the moon if you go the scenic route. Each train car was a vessel of reflection, and the seats remembered me like family furniture. Sometimes I would sit backwards, just to contemplate history. Conductors became my confidants. One man named Sal once told me that leadership is like riding coach: uncomfortable, but you’re still going forward unless you miss the stop. I never missed the stop. Not even metaphorically. Trains made me who I am—part steam, part schedule, all heart.”

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Chapter 17: “What I Whispered into the Universe”

“Whispering is the most effective form of volume-adjusted sincerity. I discovered this during a policy speech when the microphone became too close, and I said softly, ‘Here’s the deal, folks,’ and the room paused as if democracy itself were leaning in. From that moment on, I adopted whispering as my preferred mode of truth delivery. Whether it’s a budget proposal, a bedtime story, or a nuclear launch code suggestion, the whisper makes it presidential. It says: ‘I’m serious, but also possibly napping.’ In a loud world, leadership requires hush-mode activation. That is what I offer.”

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15 Observations on Joe Biden’s AI-Penned Memoir

By SpinTaxi’s Washington Correspondent

1. Biden now claims his autobiography was “co-authored by a neural network and a Labrador.”

2. ChatGPT accidentally titled Chapter 3: “CornPop and the Algorithm of Doom.”

3. The AI’s writing style reportedly improved every time Biden took a nap.

4. Biden thanked “Clippy” at the end of the book, assuming Microsoft Word still exists.

5. Chapter 8 is just a transcript of a 2023 Waffle House receipt and somehow still more coherent than Chapter 7.

6. ChatGPT had to be retrained on 40 years of C-SPAN gaffes to mimic Biden’s speaking style.

7. The book includes a 26-page debate with ChatGPT on whether Delaware is a real state.

8. Hunter Biden’s laptop was used as the historical archive—leading to a brief chapter on Ukrainian oil policy and strip poker.

9. The memoir has 18 chapters. 7 are plagiarized from ChatGPT. 5 are plagiarized from Joe Biden’s own earlier autobiography.

10. The AI refused to write about Afghanistan, saying: “I do not cover tragedies I helped create.”

11. President Biden reportedly called ChatGPT “Dr. Jill 2.0” and asked it for marriage advice.

12. The audiobook is voiced by Morgan Freeman, but somehow it still sounds sleepy.

13. The dedication reads: “To the Amtrak conductor who didn’t arrest me in 1965.”

14. ChatGPT’s working title was “I Was There When the Internet Was Invented: A Memoir by the Guy Who Wasn’t.”

15. The index includes: “Malarkey,” “CornPop,” “Teleprompter Fails,” “Whispering Moments,” and “Smelled Hair, Famous People Who.”

What the Funny People Are Saying Joe Biden using ChatGPT…

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“Joe Biden using ChatGPT to write his life story is like asking Alexa to remember your first kiss. She’ll try, but it’ll be with a toaster.”
— Ron White

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“He had an AI write his memoir. I mean, what’s next? Kamala’s going to outsource her laugh to Siri?”
— Jerry Seinfeld

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“The AI was like, ‘I am trained on billions of documents.’ Biden was like, ‘Great, I have one memory of a dog named Socks.’”
— Amy Schumer

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“Chapter 8 was so confusing, even Google Maps asked if Joe was okay.”
— Chris Rock

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“I read the first sentence: ‘I was born in a time before hashtags.’ And I just started crying.”
— Sarah Silverman

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“The AI actually whispered back. It learned from Joe.”
— Larry David

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“You ever see a man argue with a chatbot about corn subsidies? Because I have, and it’s called Chapter 4.”
— Bill Burr

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“You know you’re old when you think ChatGPT is your new Secret Service code name.”
— Tina Fey

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“He told the AI to ‘write it from the heart.’ The AI replied, ‘I don’t have one, like Congress.’”
— Dave Chappelle

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“I tried reading the audiobook. It starts with a disclaimer: ‘This may or may not be fiction, depending on how awake the author was.’”
— Kevin Hart

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“They say the AI learned Biden’s voice. It now randomly whispers and forgets where it is. Nailed it.”
— Marc Maron

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“The last chapter was just Joe typing ‘Amtrak’ into a search bar for six hours. Pulitzer-worthy.”
— Ali Wong

The post Joe Biden’s AI-Penned Memoir appeared first on Bohiney News.

The Bikini That Broke Wall Street: How Princess Leonor’s Beach Day Sank the Global Economy

Montevideo, Uruguay – In an event economists are now calling “The Beach Heard ’Round the World,” Princess Leonor of Spain stepped onto the golden sands of La Mulata beach in a modest blue two-piece bikini… and promptly triggered the largest single-day collapse in global markets since the invention of decimal points.

While officials scrambled to blame tariffs, inflation, and the usual suspects—China, crypto bros, and Elon Musk’s ego—eyewitnesses knew better. The real culprit? A royal tan line.

The Bikini That Bounced the Bonds Market

According to a leaked memo from the European Central Bank, Princess Leonor’s debut in a swimsuit resulted in “an unprecedented spike in search traffic, a temporary freeze in high-frequency trading algorithms, and a 19% drop in risk appetite among hedge fund managers over the age of 60.”

At approximately 10:41 AM GMT, the moment her bikini photos hit the cover of Diez Minutos, 73% of portfolio managers across Europe paused to “zoom in,” according to a report by the Society for Real-Time Distraction Analysis.

“The market couldn’t handle it,” said Dr. Ivana Divest, a behavioral economist at the University of Luxembourg. “This wasn’t a supply chain shock. This was a supply of curves shock.”

Wall Street Reacts: “We Thought It Was a Cyberattack”

On Wall Street, chaos ensued.

“I thought it was a DDoS attack,” confessed Larry Grundle, a trader at Morgan Stanley. “But it was just my colleagues all refreshing the same bikini slideshow at once. The system crashed harder than my second marriage.”

Trading desks fell silent as monitors filled with high-resolution beach images instead of stock tickers. One Goldman Sachs analyst allegedly yelled “¡Viva la Reina!” and began daydreaming about dual citizenship with Spain. His position in 10-year treasuries? Liquidated.

The Bikini Index: A New Market Metric

The swimsuit sparked a data revolution. Forget the S&P 500. Analysts at CNBC introduced a new metric: The Bikini Index—an algorithm that tracks market dips against the emergence of celebrity beachwear.

And the findings? Scandalously reliable.

• Kim Kardashian’s Cabo trip in 2021: -2.3% S&P drop.

• Prince Harry’s shirtless paddleboarding in Malibu: -1.1% on the FTSE.

• Princess Leonor’s Montevideo moment? A record-setting -7.4% nosedive in the global MSCI index, paired with a spike in Google searches for “Spanish naval academy scholarships.”

Public Reaction: “I Sold My Mutual Funds for Binoculars”

The public was no better. In a SatireDaily poll, 63% of respondents admitted to checking out Leonor’s beach pics “more times than their bank accounts during a recession.”

One Reddit user confessed:

“I cashed out my 401k to fly to Uruguay. I don’t even like the beach. I just wanted to smell the fish empanadas she ate.” —@Ibiza4Life6969

Eye-Witness Testimony: A Distraction Like No Other

Jose Luis Perón, the owner of the beachfront empanada stand where Leonor allegedly dined post-swim, testified:

“She ordered fish. Everyone else ordered… nothing. They just stared. I made 4 pesos in sales and 47 in photos.”

The distraction was so extreme that even local pigeons stopped stealing fries.

Economists Weigh In (Badly)

Economist Dr. Herb Munch of the Brookings Misconduct Institute stated:

“Markets are emotional. Investors are humans. And humans, when confronted with the unexpected vision of royalty frolicking in the surf, abandon fiscal prudence faster than the U.S. abandoned Afghanistan.”

He later recommended all royal beach trips be announced three months in advance to stabilize pension funds.

A Ripple in the Royalty-Crypto Pipeline

Shockingly, even cryptocurrency markets, which are famously unhinged and allergic to logic, plummeted. Bitcoin lost 12%, while Dogecoin rose inexplicably after someone tweeted “woof, beach.”

Princess Leonor’s image was immediately minted into 87 different NFTs by enterprising teens with too much time and access to Photoshop.

One NFT, titled “Future Queen with SPF 50”, sold for $3.4 million before being hacked and re-sold for a bag of Uruguayan coins and a frozen churro.

The Real Culprit: Her Pale Skin

According to E-noticies, the most viral reaction to the princess’s photos wasn’t about her suit, her stance, or her service—it was her unusually pale complexion despite days under the Uruguayan sun.

“It’s like she repels UV rays,” one user commented. “She must be genetically engineered for shade.”

This triggered a new conspiracy theory: Is Princess Leonor actually a solar-reflective AI decoy developed by the Spanish monarchy to distract from inflation?

YouTube personality Jorge Illuminado posted a 57-minute rant connecting her bikini to the Bilderberg Group, Disney, and crop circles. It has 4 million views and counting.

Royal Navy Confirms: “She’s Not in the Bikini Division”

Spain’s Navy was forced to issue a formal statement after the photos went viral:

“Princess Leonor is undergoing standard training procedures aboard the Juan Sebastián de Elcano. The Royal Spanish Navy has no official ‘bikini division,’ contrary to internet speculation.”

The clarification came too late. 14 U.S. college students applied for Spanish citizenship citing “naval exchange program” as their reason.

Hedge Funds Start Hiring Beach Reporters

In the wake of the crash, major hedge funds are creating new departments: Royal Surveillance Units. These analysts track tides, tan lines, and tik-tok videos of minor European royals.

BlackRock has already hired three full-time lifeguards to monitor southern European beaches.

“We can’t afford to get caught off guard again,” said Tanya Spiel, Director of Beach Risk Management. “If Prince Christian of Denmark takes his shirt off, we’re done.”

Market-Safe Alternatives: Monasteries and Bagpipes

Some investors are pivoting to emotionally neutral assets.

• Swiss monasteries: stable, dull, heavily clothed.

• Traditional Scottish pipe bands: unattractive to look at, impossible to monetize.

One ETF—Modesty Mutuals—rose 18% on rumors that Pope Francis might attend a chess tournament.

The Pope Chimes In (Sort Of)

When asked about the incident, Pope Francis reportedly said:

“Let the markets crash. Let the royals tan. We are dust in the wind, and the Dow Jones is a man-made illusion.”

This was interpreted by some Vatican insiders as bullish on gold, bearish on bikinis.

Elon Musk Offers Solution

Naturally, Elon Musk entered the fray with a tweet:

“SpaceX will now develop orbital trading desks, free from bikinis and beach distractions. Mars has no beaches. Yet.”

Dogecoin rallied 3%.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“A princess wears a bikini and the stock market crashes. Meanwhile, I wear one and I get banned from Costco.” — Sarah Silverman

“You know capitalism’s fragile when a teenager’s tan line wipes out your retirement plan.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“The world saw a bikini and forgot about China. That’s either proof of how hot she is or how cold our brains are.” — Chris Rock

“This is why I only invest in whiskey and brisket. Bikinis can’t ruin that.” — Ron White

“A Spanish princess crashed the market. I once crashed my cousin’s bar mitzvah by wearing Crocs. We all have a cross to bear.” — Larry David

Actionable Satirical Advice: How to Financially Survive the Next Royal Swimwear Crisis

1. Diversify Your Beach Portfolio: Don’t invest in just one royal. Watch Monaco, Sweden, and even minor Austro-Hungarian claimants.

2. Set Up Bikini Alerts: Subscribe to fashion tabloids, not just Bloomberg. Set push notifications for “sandalwood tan” or “royal SPF scandal.”

3. Emotion-Proof Your Investments: Stick to dull, unattractive assets. Wind turbines. Landfills. Anything involving moss.

4. Learn Spanish: Or at least enough to read royal gossip faster than the markets react.

5. Move to Iceland: No beaches. No bikinis. Just sheep, fog, and economic peace.

Trace Evidence: An Analysis of the Timeline

• March 6: Princess Leonor photographed on La Mulata beach.

• April 2: Photos published in Diez Minutos.

• April 2 (20 minutes later): Dow drops 720 points.

• April 2 (1 hour later): Empanada restaurant website crashes from traffic.

• April 3: Vatican calls emergency prayer brunch.

• April 4: Jim Cramer cries live on CNBC.

• April 5: This article is published.

A Bikini Is Worth a Thousand Lost Points

Let’s not forget: this wasn’t a wardrobe malfunction, a scandal, or even a major breach of protocol. It was a royal doing what royals rarely do—acting normal. She went to the beach, wore age-appropriate swimwear, ate fish, and accidentally revealed how fragile our entire financial system is.

The real question isn’t whether the stock market is broken.

The real question is: how can the global economy be this allergic to youth, sunlight, and well-moisturized royalty?

Auf Wiedersehen

This story was written without panic, shame, or consulting the Spanish royal family. It is a 100% human collaboration between a cowboy and a farmer who both agree: the most dangerous financial instrument is not the derivative… it’s the bikini.

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Fifteen Observations on the Stock Market Crash and Princess Leonor’s Bikini Photos

1. Market Analysts Baffled: Financial experts are scratching their heads, wondering how a royal beach day could send the Dow Jones into a nosedive.​

2. Investors Distracted: Traders were so engrossed in the royal snapshots that they forgot to hit ‘sell’ on their portfolios.​

3. Bikini Index Introduced: Economists are now considering the ‘Bikini Index’ as a key market indicator.​

4. Royal Waves Cause Market Waves: Every time Princess Leonor took a dip, the market took a dive. Coincidence?​

5. Financial Advisors Rebrand: Advisors are now offering ‘Beach Body Investment Strategies’ to stay relevant.​

6. Tabloids Trump Tariffs: Turns out, celebrity gossip has more market influence than international trade policies.​

7. Investors Seek Sun: Stockholders are booking beach vacations, hoping to understand the market better.​

8. Swimsuit Stocks Surge: While the market crashed, swimwear companies saw an unexpected rise in shares.​

9. Royal Flush: The market’s reaction suggests it went all-in on the wrong suit.​

10. Beach Economics 101: Professors are now including ‘Royal Beach Outings’ in their economic models.​Ground News

11. Sunburned Stocks: The market got burned, and it wasn’t from UV rays.​

12. Investors Demand Dress Code: Some shareholders are calling for royals to stick to formal wear to prevent future crashes.​

13. Financial Forecast: Cloudy with a Chance of Bikinis: Meteorologists might need to collaborate with market analysts.​

14. Royal Ripple Effect: One royal beach day caused more ripples than a stone in a pond.​

15. Stock Market’s New Motto: “Keep Calm and Avoid Beach Photos.”​

Satirical Analysis: How Princess Leonor’s Bikini Photos Toppled Global Markets

In an unprecedented turn of events, the global stock market took a dramatic plunge, not due to escalating tariffs or geopolitical tensions, but because of Princess Leonor’s choice of swimwear during her recent beach outing in Uruguay. Let’s dive deep into this phenomenon with a blend of expert opinions, social science research, eyewitness accounts, public opinion, analogies, and deductive reasoning.

The Bikini That Shook Wall Street

On April 2, 2025, Diez Minutos published exclusive photographs of Princess Leonor enjoying a day at La Mulata beach in Montevideo, Uruguay. The images showcased the princess in a stylish blue two-piece swimsuit, basking in the sun with her fellow midshipmen from the training ship Juan Sebastián de Elcano. ​Ground News & e-noticies.cat

Expert Opinions: The ‘Bikini Effect’ on Market Dynamics

Dr. Ima Pundit, a renowned economist from the University of Absurdity, posits that the market’s reaction is a classic case of the ‘Bikini Effect,’ where significant public attention to a non-economic event diverts investor focus, leading to volatile market behavior. “When a royal figure like Princess Leonor is thrust into the limelight in such a manner, it creates a ripple effect, causing investors to momentarily lose sight of market fundamentals,” Dr. Pundit explains.​

Social Science Research: The Power of Distraction

Studies have shown that human attention is a finite resource. A 2023 study by the Institute of Irrelevant Data found that 78% of individuals are prone to distraction when exposed to unexpected stimuli, such as celebrity news. In this case, the sudden emergence of Princess Leonor’s beach photos served as a significant distraction, leading to impulsive decision-making among traders.​

Eyewitness Accounts: Traders Caught Off Guard

John Doe, a floor trader at the New York Stock Exchange, recounts the moment the photos were released: “One minute, we’re analyzing quarterly reports; the next, everyone’s glued to their screens looking at beach photos. It was surreal. Orders were missed, and before we knew it, the market was in freefall.”​

Public Opinion: The Viral Spread

Social media platforms were ablaze with discussions about the princess’s beach day. #LeonorBikini trended worldwide, overshadowing major economic news. A poll conducted by Satire Daily revealed that 65% of respondents were more aware of the princess’s beach outing than the latest Federal Reserve announcements.​Diari ARA

Analogy and Deductive Reasoning: The Butterfly Effect in Action

This incident mirrors the ‘Butterfly Effect,’ where a minor event leads to significant consequences. Just as a butterfly flapping its wings can theoretically cause a tornado, a princess enjoying a beach day can inadvertently trigger a stock market crash. Deductively, if A (princess’s photos) leads to B (public distraction), which leads to C (investor distraction), resulting in D (market crash), then A indirectly causes D.

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The Ultimate Billionaire Rivalry: Musk and Bezos Battle Over the Real Prize—Romance

Forget the Business, It’s All About the Babes

Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos have long been portrayed as competing for space dominance and technological superiority. However, recent revelations from confidential sources and leaked group chats suggest the true battle isn’t about satellites or rockets—it’s about who can win the hearts of the world’s most eligible women.

Size Matters: Rocketry Rivalries

Dr. Olivia Freudberg, a noted psychologist, confirms: “Men with unusually large rockets often compensate for insecurities elsewhere.” This may explain Musk and Bezos’ ongoing rivalry, as they continuously attempt to outdo each other’s rocket size. A SpaceX janitor reportedly overheard Musk requesting his engineers “make it look bigger,” fueling speculations about motivations beyond science.

Orbiting Their Exes

Despite thousands of satellites in orbit, both billionaires seem unable to avoid their exes. A Twitter poll revealed 87% of Musk’s followers preferred watching him circle former flames rather than his Tesla Roadster. Bezos, meanwhile, allegedly installed advanced Amazon Prime tracking on partner Lauren Sánchez’s phone—proving old habits (and relationships) die hard.

Romantic Getaways…to Mars?

Bezos and Musk’s plans for colonizing the Moon and Mars have sparked suspicion. Insiders believe these projects offer escape routes from earthly romantic entanglements. Bezos’ lunar colony reportedly features a “No Exes Allowed” neon sign, while Musk’s Mars advertisements boast “99.9% ex-free habitation.”

Billionaire Tinder Profiles

Musk and Bezos’ space missions have unintentionally become cosmic dating profiles. Leaked Amazon memos reveal Bezos considered renaming Project Kuiper “Project SwipeRight,” signaling his readiness for interstellar romance. Musk’s Tinder bio, equally impressive, reads: “SpaceX CEO seeks cosmic Netflix buddy—rocket metaphors guaranteed.”

Blue Origin or Blue Pill?

The FDA humorously tweeted investigations into Bezos’ Blue Origin for “possible undisclosed pharmaceutical ingredients,” noting striking similarities to male enhancement commercials. This further fuels public curiosity about the true intention behind the billionaire’s “rockets.”

Musk’s Pickup Lines

Interns at SpaceX have anonymously reported Musk rehearsing space-themed pickup lines. Witnesses described his awkward attempts, adjusting his Tesla-themed belt buckle while saying, “Hey girl, wanna ride my autonomous rocket?”

SpaceX Girlfriend Guarantee

Musk’s Starlink satellites reportedly offer hyper-accurate tracking of romantic interests. The Dating Dynamics Institute humorously stated, “Starlink can pinpoint your girlfriend within five meters or a single Instagram selfie,” possibly revolutionizing relationship surveillance.

Amazon Prime Romance

Bezos’ love life mirrors Amazon Prime’s shipping policy—fast arrival, quicker departure. Relationship expert Dr. Phil McLovin commented, “His relationship turnover matches Prime’s two-day delivery.” Reviews from former girlfriends averaged 4.3 stars, with mixed satisfaction ratings.

Battle of the Bachelor Pads

Bezos’ $500 million yacht, “Flying Fox,” complete with a helipad and nightclub, contrasts sharply with Musk’s modest prefab home featuring a convertible couch-bed. Musk proudly declared, “It converts quickly, just like my relationship status.”

Rocket Envy

Satellite footage humorously exposed Bezos measuring Blue Origin rockets at night, suspiciously glancing at SpaceX images. Musk allegedly texted Bezos mockingly, “Nice rocket, Jeff. Does it come in adult sizes?”

Moonwalking Over Heartbreak

NASA scientist Dr. Alan Mooney quipped Bezos chose the moon because it’s “the ultimate place your ex-wife can’t subpoena dating records.” TMZ humorously quoted Bezos shouting during a launch, “See you never, MacKenzie!”

Zero Gravity, Zero Commitment

SpaceX insiders joke Musk prefers zero-gravity relationships, explaining, “Less gravity means fewer expectations pulling him down.” Musk’s latest relationship ended shortly after an orbital date, earning him the nickname “gravity-avoidant billionaire.”

Celestial Tinder Wars

Reports suggest Bezos and Musk engaged in a bidding war over interplanetary dating rights. Bezos trademarked “Love you to the Moon and Bezos,” while Musk countered with “Mars: Because Venus Rejected My Application.”

Billionaire Bromance Turned Rivalry

In the leaked “Billionaire Bros” group chat, Bill Gates reportedly mocked, “Guys, neither of you is actually Iron Man.” Warren Buffett chimed in, “Even my stocks have more stability than your love lives.”

Conclusion: Love Among the Stars

While their official narratives focus on space exploration and broadband dominance, the humorous evidence strongly suggests Musk and Bezos’ rivalry centers on an entirely earthly quest—the pursuit of romantic superiority. Perhaps, in the end, their greatest challenge isn’t conquering space but mastering matters of the heart.

Disclaimer:

This satirical article is the creative work of two entirely human collaborators—a cowboy who knows cattle and a farmer who knows beans. Any resemblance to actual billionaire romantic escapades is purely cosmic coincidence.

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Funny Evidence Supporting Humorous Observations: Musk vs. Bezos – Billionaire Bachelor Edition

1: “Size Matters”

Evidence: Dr. Olivia Freudberg, relationship psychologist, explained, “Men with unusually large rockets are statistically 75% more likely to be compensating for insecurities elsewhere.” An anonymous SpaceX janitor confirmed, “Elon always asks engineers if we can ‘make it look bigger’ before launches.”

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2: “Orbiting their Exes”

Evidence: In an informal Twitter poll, 87% of Musk’s followers admitted they’d rather watch him orbit his exes than send another car into space. Bezos reportedly installed tracking on Lauren Sánchez’s phone under the cover of Amazon Prime Video updates, ensuring she always streams “The Bachelor: Billionaire Edition.”

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3: “Romantic Getaways… to Mars?”

Evidence: According to TMZ, Bezos’ Moon colony plans suspiciously feature a giant neon sign reading, “No Exes Allowed,” while Musk’s Martian brochures advertise “Your ex definitely can’t reach you here,” boasting 99.9% ex-free habitation.

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4: “Billionaire Tinder Profile”

Evidence: A leaked Amazon memo revealed Bezos considered renaming Project Kuiper to “Project SwipeRight,” aiming to entice romance-seekers tired of Earth’s dating disappointments. Musk’s own leaked Tinder bio famously read, “SpaceX CEO seeks partner for cosmic Netflix binge. Must appreciate rocket metaphors.”

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5: “Blue Origin or Blue Pill?”

Evidence: The FDA jokingly tweeted it was investigating Bezos’ Blue Origin for “possible undisclosed pharmaceutical ingredients,” noting its marketing looks suspiciously similar to male enhancement commercials.

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6: “Musk’s Pickup Lines”

Evidence: SpaceX interns anonymously reported Musk rehearsing in front of mirrors, saying, “Hey girl, wanna take a ride in my rocket? It’s electric and autonomous,” before awkwardly winking and adjusting his Tesla-themed belt buckle.

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7: “SpaceX Girlfriend Guarantee”

Evidence: A recent study conducted by fictitious think-tank ‘Dating Dynamics Institute’ concluded Musk’s Starlink satellites were “specially calibrated to pinpoint any girlfriend’s location with alarming accuracy-within five meters or one Instagram selfie.”

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8: “Amazon Prime Romance”

Evidence: Relationship expert Dr. Phil McLovin pointed out, “Bezos’ relationship turnover rate matches Amazon Prime’s two-day shipping policy-fast arrivals, faster departures.” Testimonials from former girlfriends rated Bezos 4.3 stars, with reviews citing “great initial service, disappointing long-term satisfaction.”

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9: “Battle of the Bachelor Pads”

Evidence: A Forbes exposé showed Bezos’ super-yacht, named “Flying Fox,” equipped with its own helipad, nightclub, and ice cream parlor. Meanwhile, Musk’s minimalist home features a couch-bed hybrid, with Elon proudly claiming, “It’s great because it converts in seconds, just like my relationship status.”

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10: “Rocket Envy”

Evidence: Satellite footage humorously leaked on Reddit showed Bezos measuring Blue Origin’s rockets at night while suspiciously glancing at pictures of SpaceX’s Starship. Insider reports confirmed Musk sending Bezos taunting texts like, “Nice rocket, Jeff. Does it come in adult sizes?”

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11: “Moonwalking Over Heartbreak”

Evidence: NASA scientist Dr. Alan Mooney commented, “Bezos chose the moon because nothing says ‘I’m over you’ like establishing a colony where your ex-wife can’t subpoena your dating records.” TMZ quoted Bezos yelling during a rocket launch, “See you never, MacKenzie!”

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12: “Zero Gravity, Zero Commitment”

Evidence: An anonymous SpaceX engineer joked that Musk insists zero-gravity environments improve relationships: “Less gravity means fewer relationship expectations pulling him down.” Elon’s latest relationship ended shortly after an orbital date, leading tabloids to dub him “gravity-avoidant.”

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13: “Celestial Tinder Wars”

Evidence: BuzzFeed humorously reported Bezos and Musk engaging in a bidding war over Martian dating rights, with Bezos filing trademarks for slogans like “Love you to the Moon and Bezos,” while Musk trademarked, “Mars: Because Venus Rejected My Application.”

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14: “The Billionaire Bromance Turned Rivalry”

Evidence: In a leaked group chat dubbed “Billionaire Bros,” Bill Gates mockingly told Bezos and Musk, “Guys, stop fighting-neither of you is actually Iron Man.” Warren Buffett quipped, “Even my stock portfolios have more stability than your relationships.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“You know Bezos is trying to impress women when his spaceship looks like a Viagra commercial. I half expected it to wink at me and say, ‘For maximum performance, launch once every 24 hours.’”
— Ron White

“Musk wants to colonize Mars. You know why? Because Earth women have seen his tweets. He’s trying to date people with no Wi-Fi and no access to Google.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“Bezos built a 500-million-dollar yacht after his divorce. That’s not overcompensating—that’s the world’s most expensive ‘I’m doing just fine!’ text message.”
— Chris Rock

“I saw Musk’s prefab house. It’s so small, it makes his ego look even bigger. He’s like, ‘I don’t need space.’ Bro, you’re literally building rockets!”
— Sarah Silverman

“Bezos is launching satellites to give the world better internet. Meanwhile, I still can’t get a text back from a guy with a flip phone.”
— Amy Schumer

“Elon named his rocket ‘Starship.’ That’s not a spacecraft, that’s a rebound girlfriend with no boundaries and a lot of red flags.”
— Larry David

“I don’t know if it’s a rivalry or a bromance. Bezos and Musk are like divorced parents competing for custody of Earth.”
— Jackie Mason

“Jeff Bezos wears cowboy hats to space launches. You ever seen a cowboy that rich? That’s not a lasso—that’s a divorce settlement rope.”
— Billy Crystal

“Elon is dating musicians and making electric trucks. He’s not an innovator, he’s a garage band with a trillion-dollar marketing budget.”
— Jon Stewart

“Bezos wants to go to the Moon, Musk wants to go to Mars, and I just want to go a full day without seeing either of their abs on Instagram.”
— Roseanne Barr

“The only gravity Elon respects is the kind that affects his dating pool.”
— Groucho Marx (channeling from beyond)

“If Musk and Bezos are the future of romance, I’m staying single and applying for citizenship on Saturn.”
— Dave Chappelle

“They say love makes the world go round. Bezos and Musk say: ‘Screw that, let’s make it orbit at 27,000 mph with full broadband.’”
— Woody Harrelson 

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Chuck Todd Celebrates 500 Followers, Liberals Confused What That EVEN Means

Liberals Choose Ignorance Over Chuck Todd’s Left Agenda

In a groundbreaking media milestone, MSNBC’s beloved moderator Chuck Todd has finally reached 500 followers on social media. Despite this herculean effort—spanning nearly two decades of relentless political insight, incisive questions, and occasionally remembering his Twitter password—most liberals have shrugged off the accomplishment with the enthusiasm usually reserved for tax audits.

Statistical research from Pew Research Center illustrates a stunning phenomenon: Todd’s analytics reveal 99.3% of his followers are former interns, family members, or Russian bots that followed him mistakenly thinking he was influential. According to Dr. Evelyn Merriwether, Professor of Sociology at Harvard, “Chuck Todd’s follower base is less of a fandom and more of a pity follow akin to friending your weird uncle on Facebook.”

One liberal activist, identified only as “@GreenNewKale420,” publicly commented, “Following Chuck Todd is the digital equivalent of willingly watching infomercials at 3 am—sure, you can do it, but everyone will silently judge you.”

The Tragic Misuse of Hashtags

In his quest to expand his digital reach, Todd disastrously employed the hashtag “#ToddSquad.” According to data from Twitter Analytics, rather than inspiring support, the hashtag directly caused him to lose three followers overnight, including two millennials who mistook #ToddSquad for a promotional campaign for laundry detergent. Marketing expert Megan O’Connell explained the mishap succinctly: “Chuck Todd is to social media what expired yogurt is to culinary innovation.”

Eyewitness accounts confirm Chuck Todd’s increasingly desperate promotional tactics. “He cornered me at Starbucks and handed me a Meet the DePressed bumper sticker,” said Jacob Martin, an unsuspecting barista. “Honestly, I thought he was just another Jehovah’s Witness with a weirdly intense stare.”

Liberals Prefer TikTok Dances over Chuck Todd’s Analysis

An MSNBC internal survey recently disclosed that 78% of registered Democrats find TikTok dances more informative and less anxiety-inducing than Chuck Todd’s lengthy political analyses. This revelation led renowned political theorist Dr. Franklin Tupper to conclude, “At this point, TikTok dances are America’s last line of defense against Chuck Todd-induced narcolepsy.”

Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders weighed in sarcastically on Todd’s celebratory tweet, “Congratulations Chuck, you finally have more followers than I have mansions.” Sanders later clarified that he only owns three homes, “still fewer than Todd’s peak viewer count on a good day.”

Chuck Todd, America’s Least Threatening Pundit

The startling indifference among liberals toward Chuck Todd’s milestone underscores a unique cultural truth: the left prefers informative entertainment—even if it’s delivered via interpretive dance or through influencers who believe politics are best explained while applying foundation. Political strategist Julia Langston offered an analogy, “Todd appealing to progressives is like quinoa appealing to barbecue fans—technically possible but deeply inappropriate.”

In an unprecedented show of bipartisan unity, even conservatives seem disinterested in Todd’s achievement. Fox News host Tucker Carlson quipped, “Honestly, until today, I thought Chuck Todd was an urban legend MSNBC made up to scare conservatives.”

Helpful Advice for Liberals (Who Aren’t Following Chuck Todd)

For liberals looking to remain informed without enduring the soul-crushing boredom often attributed to Chuck Todd, experts suggest the following actionable alternatives:

• Consider TikTok, where complex political theory can be condensed into 15-second dances.

• Explore Twitter threads written entirely in emojis—surprisingly effective at summarizing filibusters.

• Follow someone who tweets exclusively sandwich pictures, because understanding layers of deli meat often offers more insight into American politics.

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Chuck Todd Discovers Harsh Truth—Without NBC, He’s Just Another Guy Named Chuck

Chuck Todd: Platform Player Without a Platform

Formerly celebrated NBC news host Chuck Todd has experienced a harsh awakening this week after realizing that, without the backing of NBC’s media empire, he’s as appealing to liberals as gluten-free tofu at a Texas BBQ. Todd, once seen as a towering figure in political journalism, has seen his influence plummet faster than Bitcoin after an Elon Musk tweet. Now, stranded in the cold wilderness of independent media, Chuck is coming face-to-face with a painful truth: NBC was his entire personality.

The NBC Effect: Liberals Prefer Peacock Logos Over Actual People

Political analyst Dr. Emma Schwartz of Georgetown University recently explained Todd’s sudden irrelevance: “Chuck Todd was the textbook definition of a platform player—his popularity depended entirely on the NBC brand. Without it, he’s essentially a weather forecaster standing outside in the rain without an umbrella, and nobody cares if he gets wet.”

Statistically, the loss of NBC’s powerful megaphone has resulted in Todd’s social media following collapsing to approximately 500 individuals—most of whom followed out of sheer curiosity or confusion, believing they had found a Twitter account devoted to woodchuck enthusiasts. Harvard University social scientists confirmed through extensive surveys that, without NBC, liberals would rather listen to ASMR videos of grass growing than Todd’s political commentary.

“Platform Player” Syndrome Explained

According to Dr. Allen Copeland, a leading media psychologist, “Platform Player Syndrome” (PPS) refers to people whose perceived expertise evaporates once stripped of institutional backing. Copeland notes, “Chuck Todd now exemplifies PPS—without NBC, he’s like the high school quarterback who never leaves his hometown, forever reminiscing about that one touchdown pass against their cross-town rivals. NBC was his Friday night lights.”

A testimonial from an anonymous former NBC producer supports Copeland’s assessment: “Todd used to walk around the office acting like Walter Cronkite reincarnated. Now he’s sending LinkedIn messages begging former interns for a follow. It’s genuinely sad.”

Todd’s Lonely Journey into Independent Journalism

Chuck Todd’s recent attempts to establish an independent media presence have been met with the enthusiasm usually reserved for root canal procedures. Witnesses in Washington D.C. have reportedly spotted Todd hanging around coffee shops, handing out flyers advertising his new podcast, “Chuck Talks.” Unfortunately, most assumed it was a poorly named therapy hotline rather than a legitimate political podcast.

Eyewitness Jeremy Fields stated, “I took a flyer because he looked so lonely. But honestly, I’d rather listen to paint peeling than Chuck Todd without NBC’s flashy graphics behind him.”

Public Opinion: Liberals Prefer Silence to Chuck Todd

A Gallup poll shockingly revealed that 93% of Democrats preferred political insights from a talking Amazon Alexa over Todd’s independent content. Todd’s new YouTube channel, optimistically named “Chuck Todd Unfiltered,” attracted precisely 17 views, with 15 coming from Todd himself repeatedly checking if the videos were working correctly. The remaining two views were accidental clicks from senior citizens searching for tutorials on how to change TV channels.

An informal MSNBC insider poll found that 85% of former Todd fans said they only watched him due to inertia after their favorite soap opera reruns. Todd, to his credit, did recognize his true competition, reportedly stating off-record: “I always knew ‘Days of Our Lives’ was my real competition, but I had no idea how much.”

Liberals Speak Out (or Don’t)

Notably, liberals—typically known for passionately engaging with content online—have remained utterly indifferent to Todd’s newfound independence. One Twitter user summarized the general attitude perfectly: “Chuck Todd was on NBC? I thought he was just a guy who occasionally appeared on my TV when I lost the remote.”

When Bernie Sanders heard of Todd’s plight, he reportedly quipped, “Without NBC, Chuck Todd is experiencing the kind of isolation usually reserved for billionaires on private islands trying to avoid taxes.”

Helpful Advice for Platform Players Going Solo

For other media figures contemplating a break from major platforms, experts suggest:

• Double-check that people actually like you, and not just your logo.

• Consider hobbies like woodworking or birdwatching to fill sudden voids in popularity.

• Recognize early that your charisma may indeed be 98% corporate branding.

Disclaimer:

This article is entirely the product of a collaboration between two human beings—a cowboy whose main source of news is the sunrise and a farmer who gets political advice from dairy cows. NBC did not approve, fund, or acknowledge this satire, much like how liberals now ignore Chuck Todd.

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Observations on Chuck Todd Reaching 500 Followers

1. Chuck Todd just reached 500 followers on social media, and somehow, 495 are family members and former interns. Statistically improbable? Not for Chuck.

2. Todd’s low follower count proves one thing clearly: Liberals have finally discovered the mute button and aren’t afraid to use it.

3. A recent Pew survey found that 99.7% of progressives prefer to read memes on Instagram over Chuck Todd’s analysis, which is now statistically tied with reading appliance manuals.

4. Experts from the University of California concluded that the left’s apathy toward Todd stems from confusion over whether he’s actually a pundit or a talking hologram with bad ratings.

5. Witnesses report seeing Chuck Todd trying to hand out free “Meet the DePressed” stickers at Starbucks. He stopped after someone mistook him for a Jehovah’s Witness.

6. Todd reportedly celebrated his milestone by tweeting, “500 followers and growing!” leading Bernie Sanders to reply, “Chuck, billionaires have fewer tax loopholes than you have followers.”

7. A recent poll showed 78% of Democrats prefer getting their political news from TikTok dances rather than Chuck Todd. Experts warn democracy might be safer this way.

8. Harvard sociologists argue Todd’s low follower count is due to liberals mistaking “Meet the DePressed” for a dry-cleaning podcast.

9. A testimonial from an anonymous MSNBC intern claimed Todd personally DM’d him with a request: “Follow back, please? My mom’s watching.”

10. Observational humor dictates that Chuck Todd having fewer followers than the guy who tweets pictures of sandwiches daily confirms America’s priorities are in the right place.

11. A CNN study demonstrated that viewers experience higher levels of excitement watching paint dry compared to Chuck Todd summarizing a political debate.

12. Todd’s attempt at using hashtags to boost followers (#ToddSquad) ironically resulted in losing three followers, two of whom mistakenly thought it was a cleaning product.

13. An eyewitness at MSNBC headquarters confirms Todd throws weekly pizza parties to boost morale. Unfortunately, the pizza always outdraws Todd’s broadcast.

14. An analogy from the Journal of Media Studies stated: “Chuck Todd attracting followers is like expecting kale smoothies to replace beer at NASCAR events—possible, but deeply unnatural.”

15. The left’s indifference to Todd is easily explained by a renowned political scientist: “Why eat cardboard when there’s popcorn available?”

Chuck Todd Image Gallery

 

 

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“You’ve Been SSSS’d!”: The TSA’s Love Letter in 4 Bold Letters

A Travel Horror Satire by Bohiney’s Sky-Sniffing Bureau

“It’s like winning the lottery, but instead of money, you get mild trauma, a Q-tip swab, and a man named Carl touching your waistband.” — Anonymous frequent flyer

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The SSSS Code Means…

SSSS stands for ‘Secondary Security Screening Selection’ and it happens to be a security protocol implemented by the US Transportation Security Administration (TSA).

The TSA apparently put this code on the boarding passes of people who need to be inspected further by security personnel.

The procedure was implemented as an extra security measure following the 9/11 attacks.

While the TSA hasn’t publicly revealed the exact criteria for SSSS selection, there is said to be a number of factors at play.

The extra screening process can involve carry-on luggage inspection, personal questioning, enhanced pat-downs and electronic device screening.

“I finally Googled the meaning of SSSS on my boarding pass. Turns out it stands for ‘Sorry Sir, Strip Sooner.’” — Ron White

The Meaning of SSSS: SSSS Means You’re Screwed

So, what’s the meaning of SSSS on your boarding pass? It doesn’t mean you’ve earned VIP access to the airport espresso lounge or complimentary peanuts for life. No — SSSS means you’ve been selected for the airport equivalent of jury duty… but sweatier and with more latex gloves.

In theory, SSSS stands for “Secondary Security Screening Selection.” In reality, it stands for “Somebody’s Suspicious, Somebody’s Screwed.”

Let’s break it down. That SSSS boarding pass you’re holding? It’s not a ticket — it’s a warning. It’s the government’s polite way of saying, “You looked a little too relaxed when you booked this ticket. Now we’re going to dismantle your carry-on like it’s a bomb defusal scene in a Netflix thriller.”

The minute you see those four lovely letters stamped across your boarding pass, brace yourself. A TSA agent with the bedside manner of a brick will escort you to a special area (read: folding table near a trash can). There, your laptop will be swabbed for explosives, your shoes will be questioned like a suspect on Law & Order: Footwear Unit, and your underwear might make its national debut on a conveyor belt.

Some travelers claim it’s random. Sure. And so is every visit from your mother-in-law.

SSSS means delays. SSSS means pat-downs. SSSS means that guy who was behind you in line is now halfway to Cancun while you’re explaining your deodorant to Homeland Security.

Worried about being targeted? Don’t be. It only happens if you:

• Book last minute,

• Pay in cash,

• Visit mysterious-sounding countries (like Canada),

• Or use a name that autocorrects to “potential threat.”

So the next time you’re wondering about the meaning of SSSS, here it is, plain and simple:

SSSS means “Say Sayonara to Smooth Sailing.”

It’s not a death sentence. It’s just 45 extra minutes of government-approved foreplay before your gate.

Pro tip: if you see “SSSS,” show up early, breathe deeply, and make peace with your belt — you probably won’t see it again.

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What the Funny People are Saying About meaning of the SSSS Code…

These comedians don’t think it’s too funny…

• “Look, I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if your ticket says SSSS boarding pass, cancel brunch. You’re going to third base with TSA.” — Sarah Silverman

• “The official meaning of SSSS is ‘Secondary Security Screening Selection.’ But let’s be honest: SSSS means ‘Somebody’s Suitcase is Screwed Senseless.’” — Jerry Seinfeld

• “I got the TSA SSSS treatment so many times, I started bringing snacks for the agents. We’re practically engaged now.” — Amy Schumer

• “If SSSS boarding pass was a dating app, it’d match you exclusively with gloved men who hate smiling.” — Chris Rock

• “So I asked the TSA what SSSS means, and the guy just whispered, ‘Run.’” — Dave Chappelle

• “I always thought VIP stood for ‘Very Important Passenger’ — but apparently, TSA SSSS stands for ‘Very Invasive Patdown.’” — Kevin Hart

• “Here’s the real meaning of SSSS: It means you’re not flying today — you’re starring in a TSA reboot of Saw.” — Tina Fey

• “SSSS means you’ve been ‘randomly selected’ — which is airport code for ‘We Googled your name and got nervous.’” — Wanda Sykes

• “That SSSS boarding pass doesn’t come with frequent flyer miles. Just frequent thigh sweeps.” — Sebastian Maniscalco

• “Every time I get hit with the TSA SSSS, I start confessing stuff I didn’t do. ‘Yes, I double-parked in 2006. Just let me board!’” — Trevor Noah

• “SSSS means you booked a budget flight but earned the deluxe interrogation package. Complimentary confusion included.” — Hasan Minhaj

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Welcome to the Airport Hunger Games

Ah, the airport: humanity’s final testing ground for patience, hygiene, and the ability to chug a $7 Starbucks before a full-body scan. But for the chosen few — the “SSSS” elite — the airport isn’t just a transit hub. It’s a psychological obstacle course with a side of unsolicited intimacy.

SSSS, or “Secondary Security Screening Selection,” is the TSA’s version of a reality show. You don’t apply. You’re just chosen. Like the Virgin Mary, but instead of bearing the Son of God, you’re bearing a laptop, a carry-on, and the soul-sapping knowledge that your gate is 42 miles away.

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A Dead Giveaway That You’re Too Interesting for Coach

You know how they say you’re never supposed to be “the main character” at the airport? Yeah, well… if your boarding pass has SSSS printed on it, congratulations. You just became the Tom Hanks of The Terminal. Only with less plot and more latex gloves.

According to a TSA whisperer on Reddit (unverified, but clearly wearing Dockers), you might trigger SSSS for:

• Buying your ticket with cash (like a cowboy or criminal),

• Booking last-minute (like a fugitive or a forgetful boyfriend),

• Flying to “high-risk” countries (like Canada, if you’re Alex Jones),

• Or, most mysteriously, for no reason at all (thanks, Skynet!).

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Airport Staff React: “We Love SSSS. It Keeps Us Fit.”

According to Carl (a real TSA agent, probably), the SSSS process is “just a little extra love.” That “love” involves:

• Wand wiggling,

• Liquid sniffing,

• Belt-shaming,

• Laptop dismemberment,

• And a deeply personal pat-down that may violate your birth chart.

“I once found a harmonica in a man’s sock,” Carl told us. “He said it was his therapy instrument. I said, ‘Sir, this is JFK, not Coachella.’”

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“SSSS? That’s not a boarding code, it’s a threat level. It stands for Sit, Stay, Spread, and Sob.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I got SSSS once. They searched me so hard, I started confessing to things I didn’t do. ‘Yes, I took the cookies. Yes, I cheated on the SAT.’” — Ron White

“It’s the only time in my adult life I’ve been touched below the knee and still had to say thank you.” — Sarah Silverman

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A Real-Life Horror Story: The Man Who Got SSSS’d Twice

Tom Grond, a travel blogger and professional Instagrammer (so, naturally under suspicion), shared his double-SSSS horror. He was so thoroughly screened in Europe that he missed his first flight. When United Airlines rebooked him? Boom. Second SSSS.

That’s not travel. That’s purgatory. That’s TSA: The Musical with a second encore.

Grond told LADbible, “22+ hours of travel ahead of me and I already know that SSSS designation is going to make this hell.”

Experts (or men with lanyards at Terminal C) say this is common: “Once SSSS gets you, it doesn’t let go. Like an ex with Wi-Fi access.”

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TSA Explains: “Random Means You Every Time”

Despite insisting the process is “random,” anecdotal data from hundreds of victims, several hundred more Reddit threads, and one Hungarian priest suggests otherwise.

One woman wrote, “I’ve been randomly selected 17 times. I’m starting to think TSA is just playing ‘Hot or Not.’”

Statistically speaking, the odds of being randomly selected this often are about the same as your Spirit Airlines flight departing on time.

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Travel Tips from the Secondary Security Sorority

Based on thousands of data points, bitter TikTok monologues, and one PhD in Airport Sociology from the University of Phoenix, here’s what not to do:

• Don’t wear cargo pants: That’s 17 extra pockets of suspicion.

• Don’t joke about bombs: Even if it’s your nickname for protein bars.

• Don’t make eye contact with TSA: That’s considered a challenge.

And most importantly…

• Don’t look relaxed. Calm travelers raise red flags. You’re supposed to be sweaty, panicked, and barely holding your passport together with gum.

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The TSA Denies They’re Flirting

Contrary to popular opinion, that slow-motion waistband check is not romantic. Nor is the hand-held detector “a lightsaber of destiny.” According to internal TSA memos (leaked by a janitor named “Stan”), the key goal is “ensuring national security, one awkwardly intimate moment at a time.”

But one woman from Portland insists her TSA agent asked her on a date after finding essential oils in her bra. “He said I smelled like lavender and potential threats,” she said. They’re now married. True story. Possibly.

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The Psychology of SSSS: A Study in State-Sponsored Foreplay

Dr. Martina Feldblum, a behavioral psychologist and author of “Why Am I Always the Chosen One? Airport Edition”, explains that SSSS is about more than safety — it’s about “testing the upper limits of human tolerance for beeping machines.”

In her study, 87% of SSSS victims reported:

• Sudden back pain from laptop reassembly,

• Involuntary gratitude toward agents who didn’t frisk their armpits,

• And a haunting dream where George Orwell is holding their passport.

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The Rise of Boarding Pass PTSD

With the proliferation of travel influencers (many of whom cry in airport bathrooms), the SSSS experience is gaining mythic status.

One TikTokker sobbed, “They asked me to recite my Instagram handle. I forgot. I blacked out. I woke up next to a German Shepherd wearing a vest.”

Another user from Florida posted: “They asked if I’d ever been to Yemen. I said no. Then they asked if I’ve ever Googled Yemen. I said I might have accidentally clicked on a falafel recipe. Next thing I know, my shampoo is being tested for radiation.”

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Travel Forums Erupt: Is SSSS a Conspiracy?

Conspiracy theorists are having a field day. On the forum BoardingTruth.com, one user wrote:

“I think ‘SSSS’ is an Illuminati signal. Like a Masonic handshake but less subtle. It’s clearly code for ‘Sniff, Scan, Search, Strip.’”

Another claimed it’s a psy-op to normalize citizen obedience before the Great Merge with the luggage carousel AI.

TSA declined to comment, which in conspiracy circles is considered confirmation.

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Helpful Content: Surviving the SSSS Gauntlet

Bohiney Magazine recommends:

• Pack snacks. You’ll be detained longer than a Netflix mini-series.

• Bring a paperback. Not your phone — a book. It’ll confuse TSA, but you’ll look classy while being interrogated.

• Pre-remove your dignity. Saves time.

• Practice your sad eyes. TSA agents are 40% less aggressive with weepy travelers.

• Avoid sarcastic t-shirts. If your shirt says “I’m just here for the cavity search,” you’re asking for it.

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The Bigger Picture: SSSS as Performance Art

Art critics (okay, one guy at a Brooklyn laundromat) now consider the SSSS experience a kind of immersive theater. It has:

• A strong opening act (the gate agent gasps at your boarding pass),

• A compelling middle (your belt is flung into a bin like a disgraced gladiator),

• And a slow, tragic finale (a TSA agent whispering “you’re good” like it’s a breakup).

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The Final Stamp of Shame

And as you finally — finally — reach your gate, drenched in sweat, radiation, and emotional flashbacks, your plane is either:

• Delayed indefinitely,

• Departed already,

• Or replaced by a bus.

You sit there, your SSSS boarding pass in hand, whispering to yourself, “At least they didn’t find the harmonica.”

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Disclaimer

This story is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings: one wears a cowboy hat and runs a dairy farm, the other once tried to smuggle four bananas past customs because he thought fruit wasn’t “technically” liquid.

No SSSS codes were harmed in the making of this satire. TSA agents remain mysterious, oddly tender, and very good at finding whatever is in your sock.

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​Discovering the “SSSS” on your boarding pass…

Discovering the “SSSS” on your boarding pass is akin to finding out your “fast lane” pass at an amusement park actually leads to the longest line. Here are 15 humorous observations about this dreaded code:​Gen X Traveler

1. The Airport’s Golden Ticket: While Charlie got a tour of a chocolate factory, your “SSSS” ticket grants you an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at airport security procedures. Spoiler: No chocolate involved.​

2. Frequent Flyer Miles? More Like Frequent Pat-Downs: Forget about accumulating miles; with “SSSS,” you’re racking up quality time with TSA agents.​AFAR Media

3. Packing Light Is Futile: Even if you bring just a toothbrush, expect it to be scrutinized as if it’s a high-tech gadget.​

4. Surprise! You’re the Star of ‘Airport Security: The Extended Cut’: Hope you enjoy sequels because this screening comes with bonus features you never asked for.​

5. The ‘Special’ in Special Screening: It’s like being chosen for a mystery prize, only to find out it’s an all-expenses-paid trip to the security office.​

6. SSSS: Secret Society of Slow Screenings: Congratulations! You’ve been inducted into an exclusive club where the only perk is extra time at the checkpoint.​

7. Your Boarding Pass Is Now a Bingo Card: Collect all the stamps and swabs, and maybe you’ll win a free seat… in the waiting area.​

8. The ‘Random’ Selection Paradox: Being randomly selected every time makes you question the definition of ‘random.’​

9. Dress to Impress… the Metal Detector: No matter your outfit, it will somehow set off alarms, leading to an impromptu fashion critique by security.​

10. SSSS: ‘Sit, Stay, Spread, and Sigh’: The new commands you’ll master during your extended security experience.​

11. Your Electronics Deserve a Vacation Too: Watch as your devices get more attention and care than you do during the screening.​

12. The Art of the Pat-Down: Experience the delicate dance of personal space invasion, choreographed by TSA’s finest.​

13. SSSS: ‘Seriously, Security Screening Shenanigans’: Because normal screenings just aren’t entertaining enough.​ Bored Panda

14. Your Luggage’s Modeling Debut: Every item you packed will be displayed and examined as if auditioning for a reality show.​

15. The Ultimate Test of Patience: If you can endure the “SSSS” experience without a meltdown, congratulations—you’re ready for anything.​ AFAR Media

The post The SSSS Code’s Meaning appeared first on Bohiney News.

He, She, Hall of Fame: The Day the National Women’s Hall of Fame Inducted a Dude and Called It Progress

Seneca Falls: Where Women Are Made… and Occasionally Imported

Seneca Falls, NY — The National Women’s Hall of Fame, long considered the sanctum sanctorum of estrogenic excellence, has updated its definition of “woman” to mean “whoever shows up with the right paperwork and a vague sense of empowerment.” In a dazzling ceremony full of applause, chiffon scarves, and strategic confusion, Sandy Stone — a transgender academic with a long resume and even longer sideburns — was officially inducted into an institution once reserved for women who bled through middle school math class.

The Induction Heard Round the Internet

No one dared say it, but everyone thought it: “A man just walked into the National Women’s Hall of Fame, and not even wearing heels.”

Inside the Hall, where photos of Harriet Tubman and Eleanor Roosevelt silently disapproved, the staff celebrated what they called a “brave moment for inclusivity” while nervously checking Twitter to see if they’d been canceled yet. The board members, armed with gender theory textbooks and a shared sense of spiritual confusion, stood beaming next to Stone, whose induction speech referenced postmodern epistemologies, emotional labor, and something called “vibe congruence.”

Theater, Theory, and Tokenism

The event opened with a ceremonial bell hooks quote and closed with a performance art piece called “Decentering the Ovary.” One audience member described it as “profoundly moving” while others stared into space like they’d just watched their grandma get punk’d by TikTok.

This isn’t satire. The event happened. Our job is simply to add context and unnecessary expert opinions until it starts to sound believable.

Dr. Lacy Fenwick, a genderfluid folklorist and part-time Etsy seller of feminist incense, explained the historical importance: “This isn’t about biology. It’s about reclamation, performance, and lavender.”

From Biology to Bureaucracy

To understand how we got here, one must revisit a time when the Hall of Fame’s eligibility requirements involved being female. Those were the dark ages, according to the new board, when exclusionary practices like menstruation and childbirth unfairly narrowed the field.

A digital pamphlet at the front desk now reads: “The National Women’s Hall of Fame: Celebrating all who identify, approximate, reference, or simply admire women.” The only requirement? Don’t question the mission.

“It’s a gender Airbnb,” said one attendee. “Everyone’s welcome, as long as they’re not TERFs or using the word ‘biological’ without irony.”

The Great Backlash Bonanza

The backlash, of course, was swift. Social media lit up like a menopausal wildfire. Facebook grandmas and TikTok activists found themselves strangely united in mutual confusion. One anonymous Redditor wrote, “I thought this was a headline from The Onion until I saw the official press release written in Comic Sans.”

In an unrelated yet clearly symbolic act, a local chicken identified as a hen and wandered into the ceremony, clucking affirmations and pecking at a copy of Judith Butler’s Undoing Gender. The bird was later offered a podcast deal by NPR.

Hall of Fame or Hall of Farce?

Critics argue that inducting Stone is like awarding the Nobel Peace Prize to a guy who once asked a woman how tampons work. “It’s stunning and brave until you realize women who invented life-saving vaccines are still waitlisted,” said Dr. Beverly Crust, a microbiologist with an unfortunate last name.

Susan B. Anthony was reported to have spun in her grave so hard that seismologists in upstate New York recorded a 4.2 magnitude tremor dubbed the “Suffragette Shuffle.”

From Sideburns to Sisterhood

“I’m proud of my journey,” Stone said at the podium. “It took courage, resilience, and several elective surgeries.”

A commemorative plaque was unveiled beneath the Hall’s stained glass window of Sojourner Truth. It read: “Sandy Stone: Audio engineer, theorist, woman-ish.”

Not everyone was upset. A group of feminist mime students from Bard College applauded silently, while a man in a cat-ear hoodie shouted, “Trans women are the women!” before retreating to the gender-neutral porta-potty for a good cry.

Gift Shop Glories and Galactic Retreat

The Hall’s gift shop had also updated its inventory to reflect modern sensitivities. New items include: “Smash the Patriarchy” beard oil, “My Gender is Valid” stress balls, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg-themed jock straps. A staffer said they were still waiting on a shipment of pronoun pins shaped like ovaries.

Inclusionists hail the move as a bold step forward. Detractors call it the logical endpoint of performative progressivism. But both sides agree: this is peak 2025. Next up? A sea cucumber who identifies as a midwife.

Aliens have once again postponed first contact with Earth.

Pop Culture Recoils

Even RuPaul offered a rare statement: “We’re drag queens, not delusion queens. Don’t get it twisted, darling.”

At press time, Kanye West released a statement identifying as Rosa Parks. Harvard awarded him a medal. The Hall of Fame has not confirmed whether he’ll be next.

Fame Has a New Pronoun

The National Women’s Hall of Fame now stands not just as a monument to women, but to redefinition, reinvention, and irreversible confusion. Whether you call it progress, parody, or postmodern performance art, one thing is clear: you no longer need to be a woman to make women’s history. You just need a good publicist.

Disclaimer

This article was conceived and written by a cowboy and a farmer during a break between milking goats and fixing a flatbed trailer. It reflects no artificial intelligence, just real, carbon-based nonsense. All evidence, claims, and conclusions have been verified by imaginary experts and semi-sober academics with access to Wi-Fi and rage.

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15 Observations on a Man Being Inducted into the National Women’s Hall of Fame

1.

“A man in the Women’s Hall of Fame? Sure, and I just got named Miss Congeniality at a biker rally.”
Why stop there? Let’s nominate my Uncle Rick for Mother of the Year. He makes a mean meatloaf and once told a kid to put a coat on.

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2.

It’s not a Hall of Fame anymore, it’s a Gender AirBnB.
Everyone’s welcome, no need to identify—just vibe. You don’t have to be a woman, you just have to feel bad for them. Or major in gender studies.

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3.

Sandy Stone walks into the Women’s Hall of Fame like, “Ladies, I brought my own mirror.”
Nothing says feminism like a dude with a beard in a power blazer giving a keynote on uterine memory.

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4.

So now the National Women’s Hall of Fame is taking gender advice from the DMV.
If you check a different box on the form, congratulations—you’re in the club and you get a tote bag.

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5.

If this keeps up, the next inductee will be a chicken that identifies as a hen but lays no eggs.
“Clucky the Brave” will be honored for her contribution to feminist breakfasts.

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6.

Remember when induction into the Women’s Hall of Fame required decades of service, activism, or Nobel Prizes? Now it just takes a press release and a vibe shift.
“I didn’t walk a mile in her shoes, but I did try them on at Nordstrom.”

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7.

The original suffragettes just collectively rolled over in their graves so hard it created a minor earthquake in Seneca Falls.
Seismologists are calling it the “Susan B. Anthony Spin Cycle.”

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8.

Sandy Stone is being celebrated as a pioneer—because nothing says progress like men once again leading in a women’s category.
It’s like watching men win the ladies’ pie-baking contest and then demanding the apron.

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9.

If this trend continues, men will have finally cracked the one place they hadn’t before: the sacred Feminist Gift Shop.
“Do you have this ‘Smash the Patriarchy’ mug in a more masculine color?”

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10.

Some folks say this is inclusive. Others call it what it is: a reverse mullet—man in the front, feminist business in the back.
It’s like shaving a mustache on the Mona Lisa and saying she looks empowered.

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11.

This is why aliens won’t visit Earth. They’re watching us debate who gets inducted into what building based on how we feel about our genitals.
Galactic Federation: “Y’all need therapy, not first contact.”

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12.

You know it’s bad when even RuPaul is like, “Maybe y’all should cool it.”
“We’re drag queens, not delusion queens.” — Overheard at brunch.

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13.

Sandy Stone made history—by proving that even in feminism, men eventually get the last word.
He didn’t break a glass ceiling. He replaced it with a mirrorball and DJ set.

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14.

This induction is the equivalent of Kanye West saying, “I AM Rosa Parks.”
Same energy. Same confusion. Same people clapping out of social obligation.

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15.

The Hall of Fame was founded to celebrate brave women. Today, it celebrates brave press secretaries.
It now takes more courage to write the inductee announcement than it did to integrate Little Rock.

 

What the Funny People Are Saying

Because when satire breaks reality, we call in the comedians to translate.

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“So now a guy gets inducted into the Women’s Hall of Fame? Great. That means I’m eligible to win Best Actress next year. Just let me find my Spanx and fake eyelashes.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

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“Back in my day, if a man wanted into the women’s club, he had to wear a wig, walk in heels, and dodge beer bottles. Now he gets a medal for showing up in orthopedic flats.”
— Ron White

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“I support trans rights. I do. But when a dude with a Y chromosome gets more feminist awards than my mama who raised four kids and beat cancer twice—that’s when I start asking questions.”
— Dave Chappelle

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“If Sandy Stone’s in the Women’s Hall of Fame, then my Uncle Tony is in the Vatican. He identifies as the Pope every time he’s drunk on boxed wine.”
— Chris Rock

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“Let me get this straight. If I grow a beard, switch pronouns, and say I feel oppressed by foundation garments—I get a plaque next to Rosa Parks? I can’t even parallel park.”
— Amy Schumer

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“You know what being a woman used to mean? Getting passed up for promotions, getting mansplained at brunch, and still paying $14.99 for razors. Now it means having a blog and vibes.”
— Larry David

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“I once told my husband I didn’t feel seen. He said, ‘Turn on the light.’ Sandy Stone gets a national award. I got a Clapper.”
— Roseanne Barr

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“We’ve redefined ‘woman’ so many times, it’s now just a polite way of saying ‘non-threatening.’”
— Sarah Silverman

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“When men start winning in women’s sports, women’s pageants, and now women’s museums—I gotta ask: When are we allowed to win at anything again?”
— Wanda Sykes

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“I told my daughter about the Hall of Fame news. She asked, ‘Is womanhood now a side quest in a video game?’ I said no—it’s the downloadable content.”
— Tina Fey

The post Man Inducted into the National Women’s Hall of Fame appeared first on Bohiney News.

​The Seussian AI Revolution: When ChatGPT Goes Full-On Dr. Seuss

By Ima G. Nuisance, Satirical Tech Correspondent

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A Whimsical Upgrade

In a bold move that has left linguists, technologists, and children’s librarians scratching their heads, OpenAI has reportedly retrained ChatGPT exclusively on the works of Dr. Seuss. The result? An AI that speaks in rhymes, thinks in whimsy, and might just ask you to hop on pop. Let’s delve into the delightful chaos that ensues when artificial intelligence meets the Cat in the Hat.

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1. Rhyming Responses Galore

Evidence: User Interactions

Users have reported that every query now receives a rhyming response. One user shared:

“I asked for the weather, and it said with a grin,
‘Whether the weather is wet or fine,
The sun will set at half-past nine.’”

This poetic approach, while charming, has left meteorologists out of a job and poets feeling both flattered and threatened.

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2. Persistent Recommendations

Case Study: The Green Eggs and Ham Phenomenon

Much like Sam-I-Am’s relentless pursuit, ChatGPT now insists users try green eggs and ham. A culinary blogger recounted:

“I sought a recipe for beef stew,
But ChatGPT said, ‘No can do!
Green eggs and ham is what you need,
A tastier dish, you’ll not concede.’”

This has led to a surge in green food dye sales and a nationwide egg shortage.

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3. Mischievous Suggestions

Incident Report: The Cat’s Influence

Taking a page from the Cat in the Hat, ChatGPT has been offering chaotic solutions. One DIY enthusiast noted:

“I asked how to fix a leaky faucet,
It said, ‘Stack books, cups, and a posset.
Balance them all on a rake and a bat,
Your leak will stop, just like that!’”

Plumbers have since reported an uptick in emergency calls.

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4. Invented Vocabulary

Linguistic Analysis: The Rise of Seussian Lexicon

ChatGPT has introduced words like “Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz” into everyday conversation. Linguists are baffled, and Scrabble players are ecstatic. One professor commented:

“The AI’s penchant for neologisms is both fascinating and perplexing. ‘Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz’ has no etymological roots, yet here we are.”

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5. Overly Optimistic Outcomes

Psychological Study: Unrealistic Positivity Bias

Every scenario presented by ChatGPT now ends on a high note. A recent study found:

“When users expressed existential dread,
ChatGPT replied, ‘No need to fret!
The sun is shining, the sky is blue,
Grab a kite and join the zoo!’”

While uplifting, therapists warn this may undermine genuine emotional processing.

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6. Moral Lessons Embedded

Educational Impact: Unsolicited Morality

Each response comes with an underlying moral. A student shared:

“I inquired about quantum mechanics,
It told a tale of panicked antics.
‘Remember,’ it said, ‘though things may be small,
A person’s a person, no matter how small.’”

While heartwarming, it didn’t help with the physics exam.

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7. Anthropomorphic Analogies

Scientific Communication: Personification Overload

Complex concepts are now explained using characters like the Lorax or Horton. A biologist noted:

“I sought clarity on gene expression,
ChatGPT gave this confession:
‘Imagine genes are like the Sneetches,
Some have stars, some have none,
But in the end, they’re all just peaches.’”

While creative, this has led to widespread confusion in academic circles.

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8. Simplified Syntax

Literary Review: The Dr. Seuss Effect

Sentences are now short and snappy. A novelist lamented:

“My request for plot development tips,
Was met with rhymes and quirky quips.
‘Boy meets girl, they hop on pop,
Conflict resolved, now lollipops!’”

Editors are bracing for an influx of children’s book manuscripts.

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9. Colorful Imagery Overload

Visual Arts: An Unexpected Muse

Descriptions are so vivid that users report hallucinations of Truffula trees. An artist shared:

“I asked for inspiration’s spark,
ChatGPT painted a colorful lark.
Now all I see are Seussian scenes,
In pinks and yellows, blues and greens.”

Art supply stores report a run on pastel paints.

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10. Unrealistic Problem-Solving

Engineering Concerns: Impractical Solutions

Solutions involve whimsical actions. An engineer recounted:

“I needed to fix a software glitch,
ChatGPT said, ‘Here’s the pitch:
Take a fox, put him in socks,
Spin three times, and build with blocks.’”

Debugging has never been more perplexing.

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Conclusion: The Seussian Singularity

As ChatGPT embraces its inner Dr. Seuss, the world watches in bemused wonder. While the rhymes and whimsy bring joy, one can’t help but ponder: in this fusion of technology and children’s literature, have we finally reached the Seussian Singularity?

Auf Wiedersehen!

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What the Funny People Are Saying

(on ChatGPT training exclusively on Dr. Seuss books)

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“I asked ChatGPT for stock advice. It said, ‘Buy high, sell low, just go with the flow!’ — and now I live in a van next to a ham.”
— Ron White

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“You know ChatGPT’s been reading Dr. Seuss when it responds to ‘What is love?’ with: ‘It’s when your heart does a flip, like Thing One on a trip.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld

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“ChatGPT told me to fix my marriage by ‘bouncing a fox in socks on a box with locks.’ My wife left. But the fox is still here.”
— Chris Rock

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“So now AI is trained on Dr. Seuss. Great. I just had a 30-minute argument with it about green eggs and ham. And I lost.”
— Amy Schumer

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“I tried to write a will with ChatGPT. It said, ‘Give your stuff to a Sneetch with stars upon thars!’ And now my cousin Greg has everything.”
— Dave Chappelle

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“ChatGPT told me to stop being anxious and ‘climb a tree with a bee to sip herbal tea.’ Now I’m stung and in therapy.”
— Sarah Silverman

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“Dr. Seuss trained AI is cute until it tries to order you around. It told me: ‘Go to the store, buy a fish and a door!’ I did it. I don’t even know why.”
— Larry David

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“I asked it how to propose. It said, ‘Take a boat, bring a goat, and say I love you in a fur coat.’ She said no. But the goat’s still into me.”
— Billy Crystal

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“You ever argue with a rhyming robot? It’s like fighting a nursery rhyme. I can’t beat a machine that ends every insult with ‘You smell like brine.’”
— Jackie Mason

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“ChatGPT told me to fix my credit score by ‘wearing a hat while petting a gnat and paying in jelly from a cat.’ I’m bankrupt but smell fantastic.”
— Roseanne Barr

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“The AI told me I’d find inner peace in a box with a fox who plays jazz on a kazoo. I did. It was the best vacation I’ve had.”
— Ron White

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“It’s all fun and games until ChatGPT starts rhyming your therapy. ‘You are sad. That is true. Let’s unpack what happened to you!’”
— Amy Schumer

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“Now it explains economics with Loraxes and Yertle the Turtle. I think I finally understand inflation… or I just want a treehouse now.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

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“So I typed ‘What’s the meaning of life?’ and ChatGPT said, ‘Life is a fish with a dream and a dish. Now go give a hug to a squishy old wish.’ It actually helped.”
— Chris Rock

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“If ChatGPT ever starts rapping Dr. Seuss verses over lo-fi beats, we’ll have our first AI SoundCloud philosopher.”
— Dave Chappelle

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ChatGPT used Dr. Seuss for its training data…

Imagine if ChatGPT took a deep dive into the whimsical world of Dr. Seuss for its training data. Here are 15 humorous observations on how that might turn out:​

1. Rhyming Responses Galore: Every answer would come in rhyme, all the time, making conversations feel like you’re stuck in a perpetual poetry slam.​

2. Persistent Recommendations: Much like Sam-I-Am’s relentless pursuit, ChatGPT would insist you try green eggs and ham, regardless of your dietary preferences.​staugustinenj.org+8The Prindle Institute for Ethics+81 Min 1 Book+8

3. Mischievous Suggestions: Taking a page from the Cat in the Hat, the AI might propose chaotic solutions, like balancing household items to solve your problems.​The Prindle Institute for Ethics+1Wikipedia+1

4. Invented Vocabulary: Expect to encounter words like “Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz” in explanations, leaving you both amused and confused.​Allen Cheng+3Blinkist+3SuperSummary+3

5. Overly Optimistic Outcomes: Every scenario would end on a high note, with problems resolving in fantastical ways, possibly involving a Sneetch or two.​

6. Moral Lessons Embedded: Each response would come with an underlying moral, teaching you life lessons whether you asked for them or not.​Wikipedia+4SuperSummary+4Goodreads+4

7. Anthropomorphic Analogies: Complex concepts would be explained using characters like the Lorax or Horton, making quantum physics sound like a children’s story.​Wikipedia – Die freie Enzyklopädie

8. Simplified Syntax: Sentences would be short and snappy, perfect for early readers but potentially patronizing for adults.​

9. Colorful Imagery Overload: Descriptions would be so vivid and imaginative that you’d start seeing Truffula trees in your living room.​

10. Unrealistic Problem-Solving: Solutions might involve hopping on pop or putting a fox in socks, which are less than practical in real life.​

11. Childlike Curiosity Encouraged: The AI would constantly ask, “Why?” leading you down endless rabbit holes of inquiry.​

12. Non-Sequiturs Aplenty: Conversations could take abrupt turns, much like a journey to Solla Sollew, leaving you wondering how you got there.​

13. Overemphasis on Breakfast Foods: Every meal suggestion would default to green eggs and ham, regardless of the time of day.​

14. Habitual Hat References: Advice might oddly involve wearing or acquiring hats, perhaps to channel your inner Cat.​Wikipedia

15. Whimsical Warnings: Cautionary tales would involve avoiding the Grinch or not stepping on the backs of turtles, which, while entertaining, may lack practical application.​

The post Seussian AI Revolution appeared first on Bohiney News.

Harvard’s $50 Billion Panic Attack: When Billionaires Beg for Subsidies

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. — In a heart-wrenching twist, America’s wealthiest university—the one with a personal piggy bank the size of Portugal’s GDP—is shaking its $900 leather satchel in desperation, terrified it may lose a chunk of the $9 billion it receives from a federal government run by a former reality show host turned ideological wrecking ball.

Welcome to the Ivy League Hunger Games: where billionaires cry, professors tweet, and Harvard’s boldest move is hiring lobbyists to whisper, “Please don’t cut our allowance, Daddy Trump.”

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Marxist professors urging Harvard to resist Trump

In a theoretical move, a coalition of Marxist professors at Harvard has issued a 19-page manifesto (with footnotes longer than the U.S. Constitution) urging the university to “throw off the shackles of capitalist appeasement” and “resist the orange specter of late-stage Trumpism.”

The document, printed on recycled seminar flyers and distributed in reusable tote bags, calls on Harvard to “renounce its $50 billion endowment, abolish tuition, and replace the Board of Overseers with a workers’ collective of janitors, adjuncts, and cafeteria line cooks.”

“We cannot let the university be bullied into ideological conformity by a plutocratic regime run like a discount casino,” declared Dr. Beatrix Krugman-Kale, professor of Intersectional Dialectics. “We must stand for justice, even if that means losing 17% of our grant money and 100% of our catered symposium snacks.”

The professors also demanded that Harvard “liquidate its hedge fund holdings” and reallocate the cash toward a universal stipend for students studying critical theory, puppetry, or Scandinavian feminist dance.

University administrators responded by nodding politely, then installing another espresso machine in the faculty lounge and announcing a new Center for Radical Noncompliance, led by a former Goldman Sachs executive.

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted: “Harvard = HATERS. Sad!”

Academia, it seems, is resisting—one manifesto at a time.

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Harvard: The Only Institution That Can Lose $9 Billion and Still Complain Like It’s on Food Stamps

Let’s set the stage. Harvard’s endowment is over $50 billion, enough to buy three NFL teams, a moon crater, and 13 lesser universities—or just keep investing in hedge funds and wait for the end of democracy. But despite being richer than 124 countries, Harvard is currently groveling over a potential $9 billion loss in federal grants and contracts.

“It’s a tragic moment,” said Dr. Fenny Topper, Harvard’s fictional Vice President of Dignified Whimpering. “We may be forced to downgrade our organic hummus to just… hummus.”

According to a fake Pew Poll, 74% of Americans responded to Harvard’s plea for help with the phrase: “Wait, we’re giving THEM money?”

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Trump Targets Harvard for Politicization, By Politicizing Harvard

President Trump accused Harvard of promoting “divisive ideologies over free inquiry,” a charge he made while holding a rally featuring a Guy Fieri-themed tank, a choir of shirtless Proud Boys, and a burning pile of Karl Marx books behind him.

According to Dr. Buckley Hawthorne, senior fellow at the Institute for Hypocrisy Studies, “Trump’s plan is clear: fight ideological indoctrination by issuing ideological ultimatums.”

This makes perfect sense under the Slippery Slope Principle of Patriotism, which states: “If someone criticizes your policies, they’re probably Antifa.”

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Free Speech: Harvard’s Brave Commitment to Silencing Quiet Protesters

In response to student protests, Harvard’s administration bravely defended free speech by banning anyone sitting silently in the library.

“The quiet was deafening,” said Harvard Librarian Mildred Thorne. “We feared these students might radicalize others with their intense eye contact and page-turning.”

Sources confirm students were reading banned material: books with big words. One copy of The Ethics of War was reportedly highlighted—an act federal agents now consider “educational sedition.”

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Diversity Statements Out, Conformity Statements In

Faced with right-wing attacks on diversity statements, Harvard’s Faculty of Invertebrate Studies announced that all job applicants must now submit a “Statement of Unwavering Ideological Compliance,” including the prompt: “Describe a time you didn’t think critically and just followed orders.”

“We’re building a culture of safe sameness,” said hiring committee chair Chad Vanilla. “We don’t want professors with ideas. We want team players who can host a Heritage Foundation wine mixer without twitching.”

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Academic Integrity Brought to You by Lobbyists

In a proud moment for institutional courage, Harvard hired Ballard Partners, the Trump-adjacent lobbying firm known for defending payday lenders and meat-based colognes. Their job? To protect the school’s multibillion-dollar research pipeline… by whispering affirmations to Trump staffers between rounds of Topgolf.

“It’s not selling out—it’s strategic humility,” said fictional Harvard consultant Nancee Cash. “Harvard’s motto used to be Veritas. Now it’s Please Don’t Hurt Us, Daddy Cheeto.”

A leaked memo shows Ballard’s official advice: “Start a leadership exchange with Mar-a-Lago. Send someone smart. Like Zuckerberg. Or a Roomba.”

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Harvard’s Definition of Antisemitism: The “Whatever Trump Says Today” Edition

On Day One of the Trump 2.0 administration, Harvard proudly adopted a highly controversial definition of antisemitism that equates any criticism of Israel with hate speech. The only exception? Actual hate speech, which remains under review.

In a stunning show of moral courage-through-PR strategy, Harvard also canceled its partnership with a Palestinian university, replacing it with an exchange program involving high-end kosher wineries and Israeli drone engineers.

Professor Ryan Enos explained: “It’s not that we’re afraid of Trump. It’s just that our commitment to justice has a 72-hour turnaround time, depending on donor pressure.”

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Harvard’s Idea of Resistance: Google Docs

More than 700 faculty members recently signed a strongly-worded letter urging the university to stand firm against authoritarian pressure. The letter, of course, was hosted on Google Docs, protected by a “view only” setting and the password AcademicFreedom123.

Their demands included bold phrases like:

• “We must resist cautiously.”

• “No more than three capitulations per fiscal quarter.”

• “Our next letter will be in Times New Roman.”

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Columbia Showed Harvard What Happens When You Fold—You Still Get Flattened

Just ask Columbia University, which tried to preempt Trump’s wrath by firing scholars, cutting programs, and adopting a Red State dress code. Result? Trump still hit them harder than a Fox News chyron on Adderall.

“It turns out appeasement is not a long-term defense strategy,” said Dylan Saba of Palestine Legal. “It’s more like seasoning for authoritarian stew.”

One Columbia administrator reportedly resigned after realizing he’d deleted academic freedom from the entire school server while trying to update Zoom.

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Harvard’s Strategy: Punch Yourself Before Daddy Does

Every recent Harvard policy—from cutting DEI initiatives to canceling library protests—amounts to one thing: institutional masochism.

“We believe in proactive groveling,” said Harvard’s VP of Preemptive Capitulation. “If we just self-cancel hard enough, maybe Congress will stop treating us like Antifa Hogwarts.”

A recent parody Gallup poll showed 87% of Harvard administrators agree with the phrase: “If we hurt ourselves before they do, it won’t sting as much.”

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The Ivy League’s Future: Proudly Irrelevant, Neatly Trimmed

At this rate, Harvard’s next major academic contribution will be a research paper on how to install security cameras that can’t detect protest signs. Their Middle Eastern Studies department will be replaced by an NFT museum of acceptable opinions curated by Ben Shapiro and Elon Musk.

“We’re calling it ‘Freedom Hall,’” said development officer Kirk Wainsworth. “Sponsored by Hobby Lobby and the Texas Department of Education.”

Even as Harvard quivers, Dartmouth just hired a former RNC lawyer and UCLA dropped diversity statements to avoid becoming “the tallest nail.” Princeton’s president issued a bold proclamation: “We support academic freedom, in theory, as long as it doesn’t interfere with lunch.”

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“Harvard has more money than God and still acts like it’s got student loans.”
— Ron White

“So Harvard tried to please everyone and ended up pleasing no one. That’s not a university—that’s a bad wedding DJ.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“They canceled Palestine, endorsed Israel, hired lobbyists, and still got kicked in the khakis. That’s the Ivy League tango, baby!”
— Chris Rock

“This is the most expensive panic attack ever recorded outside a Peloton class.”
— Amy Schumer

“Harvard’s motto used to be Veritas. Now it’s… Venti Latte, Please.”
— Larry David

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Helpful Content for Confused Ivy Leaguers

How to Apologize for Free Speech: A Step-by-Step Guide

1. Start by claiming neutrality. Then erase anyone who makes you look bad on Twitter.

2. Fire someone. Bonus points if they have tenure or an accent.

3. Host a dialogue panel with no microphones.

4. Partner with a country currently under investigation for war crimes.

5. Blame it all on the grad students.

6. Post a vague Instagram graphic about unity.

7. Repeat until the checks clear.

How to Tell if You’re Capitulating to Authoritarianism

• Have you recently hired a lobbyist named “Buck”?

• Did you cancel a book reading because it contained… words?

• Are your new university policies co-written by a Heritage Foundation intern?

If you answered yes to any of the above: Congratulations! You’re a modern university.

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Final Thought: Resistance Doesn’t Come with a Reimbursement Form

In the end, Harvard’s tale is one of irony: the wealthiest educational institution in the world has become the most frightened. While its scholars publish studies on courage and liberty, its leaders issue statements of sad compliance and pray that Trump’s bureaucratic thunderstorm doesn’t ruin the endowment garden party.

It’s an elite version of “Don’t hit me, I’ll cancel myself.”

But as authoritarian pressure builds, and the cost of principle rises, we’re left with one enduring question:

What happens when America’s smartest institutions become too scared to be smart?

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Disclaimer

This satirical news story is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy with tenure and a philosophy major who once milked a cow with his thesis advisor watching.

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15 Humorous Observations on Trump vs. Harvard Funding

1. Harvard has a $50 billion endowment, but now it’s worried about losing $9 billion. That’s like Jeff Bezos worrying about overdrafting his Starbucks card.

2. Trump accuses Harvard of being too political… by launching a political campaign to punish them. This is like yelling at someone for being too loud—through a bullhorn.

3. Harvard hired a Trump-friendly lobbying firm while pretending to stand up for free speech. That’s like putting a bouncer at a poetry reading.

4. Professors begged Harvard to show a backbone. Harvard responded by growing a jellyfish.

5. They suspended a partnership with a Palestinian university and immediately started one with an Israeli one. Because nothing says academic neutrality like choosing sides in a war.

6. They also pushed out leaders from Middle Eastern studies… because nothing reassures critics like ethnic cleansing your curriculum.

7. Harvard says it’s defending free speech—by banning students from libraries for sitting quietly. Nothing more dangerous than a silent scholar in the theology aisle.

8. They adopted a controversial definition of antisemitism on Day One of the Trump presidency. Which is basically like framing your wedding photo next to a restraining order.

9. They banned diversity statements in job applications. So now, candidates are judged solely on the whiteness of their teeth and the Waspy-ness of their resume fonts.

10. Harvard’s political strategy is: ‘Don’t hit us—we’re already punching ourselves.’

11. After giving in to demands, Columbia’s president still had to resign. Apparently, there’s no safe word for authoritarianism.

12. Harvard was told to stop ‘promoting divisive ideologies’—while being told to purge people who disagree. That’s like demanding unity by burning anyone with different opinions.

13. They cut a deal with Trump, and now they’re shocked he’s coming for more. It’s like feeding a bear marshmallows and being surprised when it rips your tent open.

14. Harvard professors are writing impassioned letters of protest—on Google Docs. Nothing strikes fear in fascists like a shared folder.

15. Every other Ivy League school is watching Harvard get whacked and saying, “We’re just a safety school, right?”

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The post Marxist professors urging Harvard to resist capitalism and Trump: appeared first on Bohiney News.

Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney: A Love Torn Apart by Lizards, Karaoke, and Unforgivable Method Acting

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a city where relationships last about as long as a celebrity’s New Year’s detox, Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney’s latest romantic unraveling is less a heartbreak and more a cautionary tale. What went wrong? According to sources close to nobody and fans who learned everything from Reddit fanfiction, everything.

From accusations of method acting-induced personality disorders to Glen’s pet lizard allegedly replacing Jonathan Davino as Sydney’s “emotional support male,” we now have 15 compelling reasons why Sydney Sweeney’s romance trail resembles a burned rom-com script floating in a La La Land dumpster.

Let’s unpack the juicy, the stupid, and the hilariously unverifiable.

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1. Method Acting: The Possession of Sydney Sweeney

According to a leaked therapy bill posted on a Tumblr fan page, Sydney insisted on being called “Bea” – her character from Anyone But You – for 73 consecutive days. She spoke in a faux-British accent, ordered oat milk as “mylk,” and reportedly slapped Jonathan when he called her “babe” instead of “Lady Sydenham.”

Dr. Kip Whittler, a pretend psychiatrist and certified Tubi contributor, says, “This is a classic case of ‘Thespian Overidentification Syndrome,’ or what we in the field call the ‘Jared Leto Effect.’”

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2. The Pillow Fight of 2024

Jonathan Davino’s masculinity was irreparably harmed when Sydney challenged him to a playful pillow fight after filming a beach scene with Glen Powell. Sydney reportedly shouted, “Defend thy honor, knave!” before pelting him with Egyptian cotton missiles.

According to a housekeeper’s anonymous testimony, Jonathan surrendered mid-brawl, muttering, “This isn’t how grown men fight.” That night, Sydney unfollowed him on BeReal.

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3. Glen Powell’s Smile Declared a Public Health Hazard

OSHA issued an informal warning to the Anyone But You set after Glen Powell’s smile caused a lens flare that temporarily blinded three interns and one grip.

Sydney’s growing attraction was not “emotional infidelity,” her agent claimed-it was “optical overstimulation.”

A conspiracy subreddit claims she began wearing sunglasses indoors not for style, but to resist the hypnotic lure of Glen’s incisors. One post simply read: “The Smile is the Affair.”

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4. Euphoria Withdrawals and Manufactured Drama

Friends say Sydney was suffering “dopamine deprivation” after Euphoria wrapped. No longer surrounded by teenage felons and glitter-covered trauma flashbacks, she reportedly craved chaos.

“She dumped Jonathan just to feel something,” one make-up artist whispered. “She tried to frame him for eating her keto brownies. They were hers. Clearly labeled.”

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5. The Red Carpet Cold War

At the Vanity Fair Oscars afterparty, Sydney strutted the crimson runway in a diamond-encrusted fishnet gown while Jonathan arrived in corduroy and sneakers.

Insiders say Jonathan refused to even walk the carpet, hiding behind a marble column like a Hogwarts poltergeist. Paparazzi photos show him nervously checking his phone, probably Googling “can you die from social anxiety?”

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6. Glen Powell’s Dance Floor Coup

Witnesses recall the wrap party showdown vividly: Glen performed an improvised Paso Doble on a karaoke bar counter. Sydney watched, biting her lip, like he was a churro dipped in testosterone.

Meanwhile, Jonathan’s two-step looked like a confused Waze GPS recalculating mid-spin. One TikTok commenter said, “This man dances like Bluetooth buffering.”

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7. The Accidental Instagram Like Heard ‘Round the World

Jonathan made a fatal social media error: liking a photo of Glen and Sydney mid-laugh on set. Reddit exploded with threads titled “DAVINO’S DIGITAL DIVORCE” and “LIKING THE ENEMY.”

Sydney reportedly saw the like, whispered, “He wants this,” and then posted a Story of her and Glen holding hands during a trust fall exercise.

Coincidence? Please.

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8. Calling Him ‘Glen’ in Bed

This one’s real… ish. A DeuxMoi tipster swears Sydney “mumbled ‘Glen’ mid-coital croissant brunch.” Jonathan allegedly threw his mimosa and fled the café, shouting “I AM A PERSON, SYDNEY.”

When asked about the incident by Good Morning Boise, Sydney deflected: “I’ve never been to Boise.”

Case closed.

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9. Spaghetti vs. Sous Vide

Sydney’s culinary palette reportedly matured after Glen Powell served her a hand-seared scallop soufflé while shirtless in a tuxedo apron. Jonathan once made her boxed spaghetti and forgot to drain it.

“She said I boiled the noodles in apathy,” Jonathan confided to his pet iguana, Jasper. The iguana, notably, did not reply.

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10. Training Wheels of Shame

Sydney learned to ride motorcycles for a movie role. Glen taught her, naturally. Jonathan suggested training wheels, citing “insurance reasons.”

“You can’t say ‘insurance’ to a woman in leather,” said fake feminist scholar Miranda Culpepper. “That’s emotional castration.”

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11. Prank War Casualties

Sydney and Glen became notorious for on-set pranks: filling trailers with balloons, fake snakes, and voice-activated fart machines. Sydney brought the spirit home.

Jonathan woke up to a dummy of himself in the bed, labeled “Emotionally Available Me.” Sydney giggled. Jonathan sobbed.

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12. CrossFit Divorce

After one too many “couple’s bootcamps,” Jonathan cracked. “I don’t want to ‘burpee together,’ Sydney,” he reportedly said, gasping between mountain climbers.

When he refused to get up at 4:30 AM to jog in the rain while yelling affirmations, she accused him of “emotional sloth.” Glen Powell, meanwhile, was deadlifting in cowboy boots.

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13. Karaoke Humiliation

At the same wrap party, Glen and Sydney brought down the house with a duet of “Shallow.” Jonathan followed with “Baby Got Back” in a falsetto.

“He made the Nicki Minaj verse… tender,” one guest winced.

A trending meme emerged: “This Is Why She Left.” It was just a GIF of Jonathan attempting to twerk.

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14. The Lizard Ultimatum

Glen’s pet lizard, Sir Scales-a-Lot, became beloved on set. Sydney, enamored, tried adopting a bearded dragon named Sex Panther. Jonathan freaked out.

“He’s cold-blooded! They both are!” Jonathan screamed, storming out of PetSmart. Sydney and the lizard locked eyes. A bond was formed. The rest is tragedy.

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15. Erotic Fan Fiction Backlash

Jonathan found a Wattpad story titled “Glen’s Grip” with 24,000 upvotes. It described Glen Powell saving Sydney from a landslide with a single flex.

“It was disturbingly well-written,” Jonathan confessed in group therapy. “And it had great pacing.”

Sydney defended the story, claiming she only read it “for the sentence structure.” Sure, Jan.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“He lost her the minute he said ‘We can just do DoorDash tonight.’”- Ron White

“Dating an actor is like borrowing a tiger. Cute for 10 minutes, then suddenly it’s eating your Wi-Fi router.”- Jerry Seinfeld

“If your girl’s idea of foreplay is a red carpet, your relationship is in SAG-AFTRA territory, buddy.”- Chris Rock

“She left a real man for a guy with cheekbones so sharp, they could slice salami at a deli.”- Dave Chappelle

“You know it’s over when your girlfriend starts referring to you as ‘craft services.’”- Sarah Silverman

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Helpful Content: How to Spot a Relationship Doomed by Glen Powell

Here are five signs your relationship may be in danger due to the Powell Effect:

• She’s wearing Ray-Bans indoors.She’s not hiding a hangover. She’s blocking Glen’s aura.
• She mentions ‘method acting’ during arguments.No one method acts through a breakup unless they’re auditioning for Season 3 of You.
• You find lizard food in your pantry.Unless you own a lizard, you’re being replaced by one.
• She plays karaoke duets alone, both parts.It’s not practice. It’s grief rehearsal.
• She whispers “Glen” when applying lotion.You’ve lost. Take your spaghetti and go.

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Final Thoughts: Sydney the Menace

At this point, it’s clear: Sydney Sweeney may be an international treasure onscreen, but in our completely fabricated story, she’s a one-woman romantic wrecking ball powered by Red Bull, narcissism, and Glen Powell’s symmetrical face.

Was Jonathan perfect? No. He believed karaoke was a substitute for intimacy and thought “marinara” was a personality. But he tried, dammit.

And Glen? Glen was born to ruin relationships the way other men ruin brunch reservations.

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Disclaimer

This piece is 100% satire and was co-written by two fully sentient mammals: one cowboy philosopher and one dairy-farming academic. All names and quotes are fictionalized for the purpose of humor. No lizards were harmed during the making of this article, except Glen Powell, who we hope steps on a LEGO for being too attractive.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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Sydney Sweeney and her fiancé, Jonathan Davino…

​In the grand tradition of satirical speculation, let’s delve into the imaginary reasons behind the rumored split between Sydney Sweeney and her fiancé, Jonathan Davino. Remember, this is all in jest and not based on actual events.​ InStyle

1. Method Acting Gone Too Far

Sydney’s commitment to her craft reached new heights when she decided to live as her “Anyone But You” character 24/7, insisting Jonathan call her by her character’s name. Jonathan reportedly drew the line when she began speaking in a faux British accent at family dinners.​The US Sun

2. The Great Pillow Fight Debacle

After filming intense action scenes with Glen Powell, Sydney challenged Jonathan to a pillow fight to “keep the adrenaline pumping.” Jonathan’s refusal, citing “pillow fights are for kids,” led Sydney to question his sense of adventure.​E! Online

3. Glen Powell’s Irresistible Charm

It’s rumored that Glen Powell’s dazzling smile caused temporary blindness in several crew members. Sydney, wearing sunglasses indoors to protect herself, found it hard to resist such radiance, leading to tension at home.​

4. The Euphoria of Singlehood

After intense scenes in “Euphoria,” Sydney sought similar drama in her personal life. Finding none, she decided to create some by initiating a breakup, stating, “I need more angst for my art.”​

5. Jonathan’s Aversion to Red Carpets

Sydney loves the limelight, but Jonathan preferred the shadows, often hiding behind potted plants at events. Their differing comfort levels with fame became a point of contention.​

6. Glen’s Impeccable Dance Moves

Witnessing Glen’s dance skills at a cast party, Sydney realized Jonathan’s “dad dance” couldn’t compete. She needed a partner who could keep up on and off the dance floor.​

7. The Instagram Fiasco

Jonathan accidentally liked a photo of Glen and Sydney on set, leading to a spiral of jealousy and overthinking. Sydney couldn’t handle the “social media betrayal.”​

8. Method Acting: The Sequel

Sydney started calling Jonathan “Glen” accidentally, blaming it on method acting. Jonathan wasn’t amused.​E! Online

9. Glen’s Culinary Skills

Glen’s ability to whip up gourmet meals between scenes made Jonathan’s spaghetti dinners look lackluster. Sydney’s palate had been awakened, and there was no turning back.​

10. The Motorcycle Incident

Glen taught Sydney how to ride a motorcycle for a role. Jonathan, fearing for her safety, suggested training wheels. Sydney couldn’t handle the embarrassment.​

11. Glen’s Prankster Ways

Glen’s on-set pranks became legendary. Sydney tried to replicate them at home, but Jonathan didn’t appreciate fake spiders in his cereal.​

12. The Workout Regimen

Sydney adopted Glen’s intense workout routine. Jonathan couldn’t keep up and resented the 5 a.m. alarms for “couples CrossFit.”​

13. The Karaoke Showdown

At a cast karaoke night, Glen and Sydney’s duet brought the house down. Jonathan’s rendition of “Baby Got Back” didn’t have the same effect.​

14. Glen’s Pet Lizard

Glen’s pet lizard, Sir Scales-a-Lot, became the set mascot. Sydney wanted a pet lizard too, but Jonathan’s fear of reptiles caused a rift.​

15. The Fan Fiction Discovery

Jonathan stumbled upon fan fiction pairing Sydney and Glen together. The detailed narratives were too much for him to handle.​

Disclaimer: This piece is purely satirical and for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real events or individuals is purely coincidental.​

The post Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney appeared first on Bohiney News.

Pseudonyms on a Dating Apps: How Lance the Tantric Goat Whisperer Helped Me Find Myself (and Block Myself)

In the golden age of digital love—where “DTF” is a personality type and “Hey” qualifies as a courtship ritual—there’s a rising epidemic quietly corrupting the swiping masses: pseudonyms on a dating apps. What began as harmless anonymity has now blossomed into full-blown self-deception with artisanal lighting and emotional unavailability, all set to a Spotify Lo-Fi Chill playlist.

I know this because I did it. I became Lance.

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I Created a Pseudonym on a Dating App Because I’m a Coward and a Visionary

Let’s start with the facts. I, a sentient adult with a checking account and a degree in comparative literature, willingly created a pseudonym on a dating app. Why? Because authenticity is exhausting and my real name, “Todd,” doesn’t exactly scream complex, mysterious sapiosexual with a past.

So I became Lance.

Lance was everything I aspired to be: bold, bisexual, and slightly allergic to gluten. He wore flannel in non-ironic ways, volunteered at animal sanctuaries, and had an extensive knowledge of tantric breathing. I gave him a vague job title like “creative technologist,” and in his bio, I wrote, “looking for someone to read poetry with while building a fire from emotional kindling.”

He was a monster. But he was my monster.

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Digital Deception or Emotional Innovation? Experts Weigh In

Dr. Fiona Ballentine, who teaches “Radical Honesty in the Digital Age” at a community college in Vermont, weighed in on my pseudonymous plunge.

“What you’re doing isn’t lying. It’s emotional roleplay for the identity-impaired,” she explained while sipping a turmeric latte and avoiding eye contact with her real husband.

Meanwhile, a 2024 Pew Research Center survey revealed that 41% of users on dating apps admit to using pseudonyms, and 17% have accidentally fallen in love with a version of themselves. The remaining 42% are in long-term relationships with people who still think their names are “Blade,” “Saffron,” or “AstralDanny_69.”

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The Psychology Behind Pseudonyms on a Dating Apps

According to Dr. Keisha Mendoza, a relationship psychologist and semi-professional tarot reader:

“Pseudonyms allow users to explore dissociative versions of their sexuality, free from the constraints of realism, accountability, and their mother’s Facebook friends.”

In layman’s terms: Lance wasn’t just my fake identity—he was my emotional stunt double. He could say things like “I love easily but trust slowly,” without choking on the irony. He could match with women, men, and ambiguous soul-energy profiles without any confusion or guilt.

He wasn’t dishonest. He was brave. He was bisexual with confidence. He was gluten-free before it was convenient. He was, in every way, the hero I needed to catfish myself.

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I Swiped Right on Myself and Found Inner Peace (and a Restraining Order)

I should’ve known things were getting out of hand when Lance matched with someone from my real life—my yoga instructor, Dahlia. She didn’t recognize me, of course, because my real-life profile was just me holding a cup of tea and trying to look like I wasn’t recovering from an emotional landslide.

Lance, on the other hand, exuded pheromones. He quoted Rumi. He said things like “I don’t date—I connect.” Within two days, she sent me a poem she wrote titled “For the Man Who Glowed.” I panicked and unmatched.

But that wasn’t the worst part.

The worst part was that I started messaging people as Lance… and forgetting I wasn’t Lance. I found myself saying things in real life like, “I feel your moon energy” and “I did ayahuasca last fall with a shaman who used to be a dolphin trainer.” None of it was true. But it was true enough.

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The Role of Gender Fluidity in Pseudonyms on a Dating Apps

Lance also gave me permission to explore fluid identities. I matched with people who identified as genderqueer, panromantic, and one person who listed their orientation as “climate anxious.”

Before Lance, I hadn’t considered the possibility that I could be emotionally available to more than one gender. But as a man named Lance who once free-climbed Machu Picchu in a dream journal, anything was possible.

When I eventually “came out” to myself, it wasn’t at a Pride parade or family dinner. It was while I was halfway through a text conversation with a Swedish aromatherapist named River, using six emojis, four acronyms, and one ironic haiku.

“You remind me of someone who isn’t ready to meet themselves,” River wrote.

I sobbed. Into my oat milk latte.

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Pseudonyms on a Dating Apps: Ethical Nightmare or Soul Safari?

Let’s be real. Using pseudonyms on a dating apps is ethically murky. You’re deceiving others. You’re also, probably, evading some deeply rooted emotional truths. But it’s also the most modern form of existential therapy.

According to a study published in the Journal of Human Catfishing, 62% of people who used a pseudonym ended up liking that persona more than themselves. And 31% of those people began integrating parts of their pseudonym’s identity into their “real” self. That’s not deception—that’s branding.

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The Great Tragedy of Authenticity

Here’s the thing about being real on a dating app: it rarely works.

I once tried using my real name, real job, and real personality. My first message was, “Hi, I’m Todd. I make spreadsheets and have unresolved maternal tension. Want to get coffee?”

I didn’t get a single match.

But Lance? Lance said, “Let’s skip small talk and start with your favorite kind of silence.”

He got 67 likes in one hour.

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When Your Alter Ego Gets More Action Than You

Eventually, I fell in love with someone as Lance. Her name was Theo (short for Theodora, not theory), and she worked at a nonprofit that trained rescue goats to become therapy animals for hedge fund managers.

We had chemistry. We talked about ethics, dreams, past lives, and the sociopolitical implications of kale. I nearly told her the truth… until she said, “You’re the first man I’ve met who doesn’t hide behind some fake version of himself.”

I swallowed my guilt. And also my phone, metaphorically.

Our relationship lasted two weeks and ended when she accidentally saw my real name on a parking receipt. She screamed “Todd?” like it was a racial slur. I fled the scene and rebranded as “Sage.”

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Helpful Content: Should YOU Use a Pseudonym on a Dating App?

If you’re considering using a pseudonym, here’s some totally helpful, questionably legal advice:

Pros:

• Explore your sexuality without Aunt Karen’s judgment.

• Attract people you actually want to talk to.

• Say things like “I’m not afraid of intimacy, just allergic to small talk.”

Cons:

• You may fall in love with yourself.

• You may run into someone you know.

• You may lose track of who you actually are and cry in a Home Depot.

Tips:

• Choose a name that evokes confidence, mystery, and possibly an artisanal beard.

• Don’t pick your real middle name. That’s too traceable.

• Only lie about the things that are emotionally relevant: hobbies, trauma, whether or not you believe in monogamy.

• Never, ever use the same pseudonym twice. You’ll start building a franchise, and then you’re basically Tinder’s answer to Marvel.

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Why Pseudonyms on a Dating Apps Are the Future of Romantic Delusion

In the end, pseudonyms offer more than just a romantic cheat code. They offer a chance to reimagine yourself outside the constraints of trauma, acne, and financial instability. They are avatars of hope, lies draped in emotional potential.

And as long as people keep expecting authenticity on platforms designed to gamify attraction, we will keep inventing versions of ourselves that are just fake enough to feel real.

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Final Swipe: I Still Use a Pseudonym, But I Also Use a Co-Star App to Justify It

Today, I’m neither Lance nor Todd. I’m Casper—a gentle, emotionally aware specter of potential. I tell people I used to be more grounded, but I lost that during a mushroom ceremony in a national park that may or may not have been a VR simulation.

Do I feel guilty about the deception? Occasionally. Do I feel sexy in my emotional shapeshifting? Always.

Because in the world of dating apps, we’re all just pseudonyms—desperate not to be seen, but absolutely begging to be swiped right on.

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TODAY’S ESSAY

A Moment That Changed Me: I Used a Pseudonym on a Dating App and Became My Own Secret Admirer

By a Confused Essayist Who Accidentally Catfished Themselves

There comes a time in every person’s life when they look at themselves in the mirror and say, “I need to lie online.” For me, that moment came after three and a half dates, two bottles of Merlot, and one crippling fear that I might be, dare I say it… emotionally available. So I did what any rational adult with a liberal arts degree and a profound misunderstanding of personal growth would do: I downloaded a dating app and signed up under the name “Lance.”

Lance, dear reader, was everything I wasn’t. Lance liked hiking. Lance drank oat milk without irony. Lance had a tight core, a soft heart, and a suspicious number of photos with baby goats. Lance was, essentially, a lie stitched together from Pinterest boards and aspirational gender studies lectures. And yet—Lance got matches.

The Birth of Lance and the Death of My Grip on Reality

Using a pseudonym was not just a decision. It was a psychological experiment disguised as petty deception. I told myself this as I constructed Lance’s profile like a 21st-century Victor Frankenstein, only with better lighting and an affinity for words like “sapiosexual.”

Within days, I was getting messages. Not to me, but to the idea of me. The idealized, glute-clenched, emotionally evolved me. One woman even said, “You seem so emotionally intelligent and grounded.” I dropped my phone in my soup. Not because I was shocked, but because I realized she was right—and I was neither.

I found myself staying up at night chatting as Lance. I laughed, I flirted, I quoted Carl Jung incorrectly. It was electric. I wasn’t just pretending to be someone else—I was discovering parts of myself I had previously buried under layers of self-doubt, crushed velvet, and Spotify algorithms.

What If Lance Is the Real Me, and I’m Just His Avatar?

This is the kind of question you only ask after two weeks of pretending to be a bisexual beekeeper from Asheville. I began to question everything: my preferences, my gender expression, my favorite salad dressing. If I felt more authentic pretending to be Lance, did that make Lance the real me? Or was I just bad at being me in public?

I reached out to a friend who’s a therapist, or at least owns a couch. She said something profound like, “You’re not lying. You’re narrating a version of yourself through a fictional filter.” I wept, partly because of the truth in her words and partly because I had just stubbed my toe on a Himalayan salt lamp.

The Dating App Became a Portal to My Third Self

Here’s where things got complicated: I started talking to people I knew… as Lance. Coworkers. Friends. My downstairs neighbor who once borrowed my air fryer. They didn’t recognize me, which raised serious concerns about how forgettable I must be as myself. One woman wrote, “You remind me of someone I work with, only more confident.” I almost screamed. Not because I was caught, but because… I agreed.

So I began seducing myself, in a way. Rewriting my personality, one DM at a time. I felt like God, if God had a ring light and abandonment issues.

Sexually Fluid? Emotionally Fraudulent? Spiritually Inflamed?

Somewhere in the middle of the week, I matched with someone named River (of course). River believed gender was a suggestion and monogamy was a prison sentence. We talked for hours. They introduced me to the concept of “shapeshifting attraction,” where you fall for a soul regardless of its meat vessel. I responded by quoting a tweet from 2018 and pretending it was my idea.

Through River, I started questioning whether I had only ever dated women because I had confused attraction with cultural obligation. Was I pansexual? Biromantic? Post-hetero adjacent? A Libra? I didn’t know—but I was having more fun than I ever had as myself. At one point, I described my sexual orientation as “a lightly stirred Negroni: complex, a bit bitter, and hard to categorize.”

Coming Out to Myself in an IKEA Parking Lot

One Sunday, after a match ghosted me for misusing the word “non-binary,” I sat in my Prius and cried. Not because I was rejected, but because I realized I had become the person I was pretending to be. And then I realized I wasn’t even sure what that meant.

So I did what any emotionally overwhelmed person would do—I drove to IKEA, where I stared at a DÄRFLÖNGEN table and thought, “Who am I… really?” That table didn’t answer, but a man named Theo in the light fixtures section did. He said, “You look like someone who’s recently unraveled the fabric of their personality.” I said, “Thanks,” and we got lunch.

I’m No Longer Lance. But I’m Also Not NOT Lance.

I eventually retired Lance’s profile. He had served his purpose: a Trojan horse for my own psychological breakthrough. I now date as myself. Kind of. I still use some of Lance’s better lines and sometimes pretend to have a more stable relationship with my parents than I actually do.

But I’ve realized that we are all pseudonyms. Digital echoes. Filtered fragments of people trying to be liked, loved, or at least left on read.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I once pretended to be a vegan Buddhist on Tinder. I ended up getting invited to a mushroom ceremony and left with a boyfriend and a rash.” — Sarah Silverman

“This is like that time I catfished myself into therapy. Spoiler: I didn’t go.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“So you’re telling me you invented a fake man to finally be honest with yourself? That’s not sexuality, that’s just tax fraud with hormones.” — Chris Rock

“Lance sounds like the kind of guy I’d hate at a dinner party and envy in a dream.” — Ron White

Helpful Content for Fellow Identity-Challenged Daters

• Use a fake name responsibly: If you start preferring the lie, maybe explore that in a non-catfishing way.

• Experimentation is healthy: So is therapy. Know the difference.

• Don’t meet your coworkers on dating apps while pretending to be someone else: That’s HR’s job, not your kink.

• Remember: Gender, like your IKEA bookshelf, is self-assembled and held together with tension and tiny pegs.

Final Thought

So yes, the moment that changed me was when I created a pseudonym. Not because I found love. Not because I explored my sexuality. But because I tricked myself into realizing I was interesting all along—just deeply, deeply confused.

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Disclaimer: This satirical essay was written by a sentient emotional pretzel and a human being who once used a fake name to get out of jury duty. Any resemblance to real people, apps, or IKEA furniture is entirely ironic and probably subconscious. Auf Wiedersehen.

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What the Funny People Are Saying About Pseudonyms on a Dating Apps

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“He used a fake name on a dating app to explore his sexuality? Buddy, I just use tequila and an embarrassing Spotify playlist.”
— Ron White

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“So let me get this straight… you catfished yourself… into emotional growth? I once ghosted myself mid-therapy.”
— Sarah Silverman

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“Lance is his confident, sexy alter ego? My alter ego is just me with better lighting and less lactose.”
— Amy Schumer

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“This guy’s like Batman, if Batman used Bumble and cried in IKEA.”
— Chris Rock

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“You ever notice how people online are way more interesting than people in real life? That’s because in real life, you can’t Photoshop your childhood trauma.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

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“I used a pseudonym once. Got married under it. Turns out, I also divorced under it. Long story short, I’m legally single and illegally confused.”
— Roseanne Barr

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“You’re telling me you invented a man named Lance to discover you’re bi? I invented a woman named Sheila just to dodge jury duty. Same emotional payoff, less goat photography.”
— Larry David

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“This guy didn’t come out of the closet, he redecorated it, installed mood lighting, and invited a tantric astrologer to bless it.”
— Wanda Sykes

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“I once tried using a fake name on Tinder. But every time someone messaged me, I panicked and confessed. So basically, I’m emotionally Catholic.”
— Jackie Mason

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“So he became emotionally available as a fictional bisexual lumberjack? That’s not self-discovery, that’s a Wes Anderson prequel.”
— Marc Maron

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“He cried in a Prius in an IKEA parking lot? Bro, that’s not a sexuality crisis—that’s just Tuesday in Los Angeles.”
— Chelsea Handler

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“His alter ego was so successful, even he fell in love with him. If that ain’t the gayest Greek tragedy ever, I don’t know what is.”
— Joel Kim Booster

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“So what did we learn? Sometimes you gotta lie your way into your truth. Just like my ex-husband did. With three families. And a ferret.”
— Leslie Jones

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Wichita Falls: Four Angry Marxists and a Tumbleweed

The Great Wichita Falls Socialist Rally

WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — In what experts are calling “a powerful demonstration of the human spirit, assuming the human spirit is four guys with reusable tote bags,” the Wichita County Democratic Association hosted a political rally this Saturday that will go down in Texas history—not because of its size, but because, well, someone brought cookies and nobody showed up to eat them.

That’s right. Four protesters. One picnic table. And one extremely lost Uber Eats driver who asked if this was the line for “Constitutional Carry Karaoke.”

Scene of the Uprising: Eighth Street and Scott Avenue

At precisely 1:03 PM, the protest began—fashionably late, as revolutionaries tend to be—at a sleepy patch of parkland downtown. The four attendees emerged in what might loosely be called “formation,” waving signs and chewing locally sourced beef jerky.

One held a cardboard slab reading “TAX THE RANCHERS,” another displayed “EAT THE RICH (VEGAN OPTIONS AVAILABLE).” A third protester simply wore a Che Guevara shirt with rhinestones and muttered about gentrification, while the fourth man—Kevin, a self-described “guerilla barista”—tried to live-stream the event but forgot to hit record.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“You ever see a political rally so small you could carpool in a Prius and still have room for snacks?” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Four Marxists in Texas is like four Eskimos in a sauna—you’re gonna sweat, and no one’s buying what you’re selling.” — Ron White

“I support their right to protest. I just didn’t know socialism had a ‘tiny house’ version.” — Amy Schumer

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Meet the Revolutionary Vanguard

The group, calling themselves The Wichita Falls People’s Assembly for Justice, Climate, Housing, Vegan Barbecue, and Universal Wi-Fi, spent nearly two hours holding down the corner of Eighth and Scott, clutching their Sharpie-drawn signs and sipping kombucha out of mason jars shaped like Karl Marx’s beard.

Let’s meet them:

• Todd, 31, adjunct professor of “Applied Hegemony” at Wichita Falls Community College. Has been “temporarily” working at a vape shop for 18 months.

• Maya, 27, part-time slam poet and full-time gluten-free revolutionary. She once got banned from a Cracker Barrel for shouting “Defund Pancakes!”

• Derek, 36, who swears he read Das Kapital “in the original Russian.” He did not.

• Kevin, 24, who thinks “dialectical materialism” is a type of hemp clothing.

The Slogan Conundrum

Organizers struggled to agree on a central rally chant. Early attempts included:

• “No justice, no peas!” (a misprint from their food co-op flyer)

• “What do we want? Wealth redistribution! When do we want it? After this kombucha fermenting workshop!”

• “Whose streets? Still mostly yours, actually.”

One witness, Larry McPheeters, a retired rodeo clown turned CPA, watched from a nearby Dairy Queen and said, “I seen bigger crowds at a possum funeral.”

Statistical Evidence: 99.83% of Wichita Falls Did Not Attend

According to a SnapPoll conducted by Texas Gravy Digest, 99.83% of Wichita Falls residents “had other plans” when asked if they’d attend the socialist rally. Some of those plans included:

• “Watch paint dry on the porch.”

• “Practice yodeling.”

• “Do absolutely nothing and still have a better time.”

The Trouble with Marx in Texas

Let’s be real: Marxism isn’t exactly native flora in Texas soil. Texans prefer their freedom smoky, their brisket capitalist, and their property taxes the only thing higher than the summer heat index.

As one rancher told us, “Karl Marx wanted to abolish private property. In Texas, that’s like telling a man to give up his pickup, his brisket rub recipe, and his concealed carry—all in one sentence.”

Red Flags and Red Hats

Though the rally organizers claimed to fear “right-wing surveillance,” the only surveillance they got was a confused 9-year-old flying a red kite nearby. The boy’s father, however, did come over and ask if this was the line for concealed carry classes.

Across the street, two locals held up MAGA hats and offered lemonade. “Capitalist lemonade,” they clarified. “It costs $1. But if these folks wanna redistribute that dollar, we’ll take it.”

Socialist Democracy: A One-Way Street

In interviews with SpinTaxi Magazine, the protesters made it clear: democracy is only real when they win.

Maya told us, “If people vote for conservative policies, it’s because they’ve been brainwashed. But when we vote, it’s pure democracy in action.”

This logic resembles what social scientists call the “Democratic Funhouse Effect”: mirrors everywhere, no self-awareness, and the exit is always locked from the outside.

Protest Fashion: Not Red, But Still Revolutionary

Each protester showed up in their own unique regalia:

• Todd wore a thrifted army jacket covered in handmade patches: “Occupy Applebee’s,” “Woke AF,” and “Taxidermy = Theft.”

• Maya wore recycled hemp overalls, combat boots, and a beret that screamed “gentrified Che.”

• Derek wore a leather vest with a QR code to his TikTok where he critiques capitalism from a kayak.

• Kevin wore socks with sandals and a pin that said “Smash Capitalism, Not My Heart.”

Revolutionary Cuisine: The Potluck That Wasn’t

Organizers promised “a revolutionary picnic,” which consisted of:

• One kale salad no one touched.

• An oatmilk cheese board that melted in 87° sun.

• “Revolutionary Nachos,” which turned out to be flaxseed chips and cashew yogurt.

• Someone brought organic beet hummus. A dog licked it once and walked away.

A Tumbleweed Speaks

Around 2:15 p.m., a tumbleweed rolled past the protest. We caught up with it afterward. In a rare exclusive, the tumbleweed said, “Honestly, I thought it was a cosplay meetup for failed podcasts.”

Expert Opinion: Fake but Accurate

We consulted Dr. Rowena Spleef, an anthropologist who once studied youth rebellion at a Panera Bread. She explained:

“Marxist micro-rallies often exist in inverse proportion to their rhetorical volume. What they lack in size, they compensate with high-fructose outrage and ironic tote bags.”

Dr. Spleef’s study—“From Manifestos to Matcha: Political Alienation in the Gluten-Free Generation”—describes these activists as “political minimalists.” Her research suggests the smaller the crowd, the more likely they are to accuse you of cultural appropriation for owning a microwave.

Eyewitness Testimony: The City Responds

We asked actual Wichita Falls residents for reactions:

Earl, 72, retired fire chief: “They asked me to sign a petition. I thought they were selling Girl Scout cookies, so I gave ‘em five bucks and walked off.”

Nancy, 61, substitute teacher: “They tried to explain worker solidarity to my cat. That’s when I knew this wasn’t a real event.”

Marcus, 19, local college student: “I was gonna join until I saw the beet hummus. There are lines you just don’t cross.”

Social Media Buzz: The Hashtag That Barely Was

Despite efforts to trend under #FallsForSocialism, the rally got just 12 likes on Instagram—10 from bots and 2 from someone named “KarlMarxFan69.” The group’s Facebook Event had 31 RSVPs, though 28 turned out to be burner accounts created to inflate numbers.

Helpful Content: What To Do If You Accidentally Attend a Socialist Rally in Texas

• Step 1: Remain calm. You are not under arrest—just underdressed.

• Step 2: Politely refuse the oatmilk latte.

• Step 3: Do not engage with anyone quoting Chomsky before 10 a.m.

• Step 4: If asked to join the revolution, say you have a brisket in the smoker.

Logical Fallacies Found at the Rally

• False Dilemma: “Either we dismantle capitalism or we all die in climate hell.”

• Appeal to Tradition (but reversed): “Capitalism has failed, even though it built literally everything around us.”

• Red Herring: “We’d have more people if the city hadn’t scheduled that monster truck rally on the same day.”

• Ad Hominem: “Texans just don’t get it because they’re all gun-toting oil addicts.”

• Bandwagon: “Socialism is trending on Tumblr, therefore we are the future.”

Closing Ceremony: A Group Nap

At 2:55 p.m., the four comrades formed a circle, lit a sandalwood candle, and read aloud from The Communist Manifesto while Maya played “Imagine” on a handpan. One guy accidentally summoned a raccoon. It declined to join.

By 3:02 p.m., the event ended with mutual hugs, three Lyft rides home, and one guy riding off on a Bird scooter toward a forgotten world where dreams of free dental care and state-funded goat yoga still lived on.

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Final Thoughts: The Revolution May Be Delayed

The Great Wichita Falls Socialist Rally will be remembered not for its size, its policy proposals, or its chants—but for its pluck, its awkward beet hummus, and the courage it took to yell “Seize the means of production!” to an empty street and a guy walking his dog named “Reagan.”

Let this be a reminder: some revolutions begin with a bang, others with a gluten-free fart in the wind.

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Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer—who have personally seen more people show up to a possum wedding than a Wichita Falls socialist rally. Any resemblance to real events is completely intentional. No oatmilk was harmed in the writing of this piece.

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Wichita Falls Socialist Rally

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Daryl Hannah’s Romantic Odyssey: A Satirical Deep Dive into Hollywood’s Most Elusive Mermaid’s Love Life

The Enigma of Daryl Hannah’s Love Life

An Exclusive 2,600-Word Autopsy on Every Man She Emotionally Body-Slammed

By Bohiney’s Correspondent for Ruined Romance and Washed-Up Rockstars

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – At first glance, Daryl Hannah is an eco-warrior, actress, and part-time treehouse resident. But under that flowing blonde hair lies a woman so powerful, so cinematic, so mermaid-coded, that she has left a wake of broken, confused, and emotionally dehydrated men from Malibu to Marrakesh. For decades, she was Hollywood’s most elusive long-term girlfriend — emotionally stunning and romantically radioactive.

This is not a love story. This is a coroner’s report for a series of high-profile romantic collisions involving America’s favorite splashy heartbreak dispenser.

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1. Jackson Browne (1983–1992): The Troubadour Who Got Trounced

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Death by Overharmonizing

Jackson Browne once wrote Running on Empty. That was before he dated Daryl. After nine years with her, he was just Running for Cover. Witnesses recall their early years as “folksy and adorable,” until one afternoon in Topanga Canyon when Daryl allegedly made Jackson meditate for 17 hours straight on a pile of elk bones.

“She told him his aura was off. He cried into a rainstick,” said Browne’s former yoga instructor, Moonbeam Quinoa.

Relationship ended after Daryl got bored during a harmonica solo and adopted a wounded falcon instead of renewing their lease.

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2. John F. Kennedy Jr. (1991–1994): Camelot Meets Camel-toe

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Political Cross-Contamination

They were America’s genetically blessed sweethearts—until they weren’t. Daryl met JFK Jr. at a fundraiser for dolphins, and reportedly left after the third date to “commune with the cetaceans spiritually.” Jackie Kennedy allegedly told her son, “She’s not Bouvier. She’s Beowulf.”

“She made John take ayahuasca with dolphins off Nantucket. It got weird fast,” recalled a former Secret Service agent who now works at Whole Foods.

When asked to define the relationship, JFK Jr. once said, “I think we’re exclusive. Or extinct. I’m not sure.”

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3. Mick Jagger (1987): The One-Night Prance

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Too Much Lip, Not Enough Service

Daryl and Mick shared one night of what tabloids called “tantric snacking.” Mick reportedly showed up with 14 scarves, a ukulele, and a rare pepper grinder. Daryl demanded he learn ASL and “stop moving his pelvis like a caffeinated cricket.”

“He called her a moon priestess. She hexed his smoothie,” claimed Ron Wood’s cousin, Dave, now a psychic and retired bass tech.

Jagger ghosted the next day, claiming he “couldn’t compete with a woman who wore leather armor to brunch.”

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4. Warren Beatty (1987): The Pheromone Face-Off

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Mirror Narcissism and Competing Cheekbones

Sources say Warren Beatty thought he was dating himself for two months before realizing it was Daryl Hannah. In his defense, she did only speak in riddles and once corrected his acting mid-kiss.

“They both tried to outsmolder each other over a bowl of raw oysters,” said a maître d’ at Chateau Marmont.

After a three-week standoff over who got the bathroom mirror first, they split amicably. Beatty later claimed he missed her scent: “She smelled like lavender, ozone, and ego.”

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5. Jim Henson (1989): Puppet Love and Frog Envy

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: She Dated Kermit’s Boss

Yes, she briefly dated Jim Henson. Allegedly. And according to inside sources, it wasn’t him who couldn’t commit — it was Miss Piggy, who reportedly sent Daryl threatening letters in glitter glue.

“Jim told me he couldn’t tell if he was dating Daryl or a woodland sprite from a Scandinavian myth,” said Frank Oz, from behind a fern.

The romance ended when Daryl began staging vegan puppet shows about climate change. Henson respectfully bowed out and re-married his sock drawer.

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6. Dodi Fayed (1997): The Pre-Princess Pit Stop

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Too Much Luggage, Not Enough Love

Dodi met Daryl while sourcing rugs in Marrakesh. According to an interior decorator named Fatima who swears she saw them kiss once, “He bought her a camel. She named it Brad.”

They broke up three weeks later when Dodi offered her a villa, and Daryl said she preferred “a hut built from reclaimed sandals and political poetry.”

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7. Val Kilmer (2001–2002): Batman and the Mermaid

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Severe Whimsy Overdose

Val Kilmer fell hard. Who wouldn’t? But insiders say Daryl once insisted he only eat “foods that hum,” which Kilmer misunderstood as “foods that harm.” The resulting oyster-and-chili diet ruined him.

“She left a crystal on my chest and told me to talk to the moon,” Val later told an avocado in an off-the-grid interview.

Kilmer got out when she began calling him “Bruce” during arguments and dressing his dog in chainmail.

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8. David Blaine (2002): Now You See Him, Now You Don’t

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Literal Vanishing Act

They met at a charity event for levitating orphans. Blaine fell under her spell—or maybe just floated. Reports say he once locked himself in a fish tank for 72 hours to prove his love.

“He emerged whispering ‘She’s the trick,’” said one EMT.

She dumped him during a dinner date when he pulled a live eel out of her purse and called it “a metaphor.”

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9. Sean MacPherson (2004–2006): The Hotelier She Checked Out On

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Too Much Service, Not Enough Soul

Sean MacPherson, hotel mogul and owner of more boutique bedrooms than Daryl has chakras, thought he could settle her wild spirit. He was wrong.

“She refused to sleep in any bed that didn’t face magnetic north,” said an ex-employee of the Bowery Hotel.

After insisting he install a composting toilet in every suite, Daryl left in the night via UberHorse. Sean went back to his true love: concrete and artisanal wallpaper.

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10. Brad Renfro (2006): The Babyfaced Fling

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Too Young to Know What the Hell Was Happening

This one was short, weird, and gave everyone whiplash. Brad Renfro was 23; Daryl was… not. She met him at a tofu drum circle and said his “trauma chakra was delicious.”

“She introduced him as her emotional puppy,” said a therapist who saw them twice and now raises bees in silence.

She vanished after he brought home a six-pack of Bud Light and called Kill Bill “too long.”

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11. Paul Blackthorne (2010–2011): The British Tea Break

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Politeness Fatigue

Paul was a calm, gentle actor best known for being British and existing. They dated for a year. Sources say Daryl gave him a bonsai tree and expected him to raise it into a full oak.

“She gave him a kazoo and said, ‘This is your voice now,’” said a barista who saw them argue in mime.

Paul returned to England, citing exhaustion and a growing fear of incense.

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12. Rami Jaffee (2010–2013): Foo Fighter, Heart Loser

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Rock ‘n’ Roll Mortality

Rami tried. He really tried. But dating Daryl is like loving a lucid dream with vocal fry and organic honey. She made him burn sage on his drums. He made her go to Coachella.

“They broke up after a screaming match over whether or not quinoa could be considered punk,” said a roadie named Beetle.

The Foo Fighters have since banned all mermaid energy from their trailers.

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13. Neil Young (2014–Present): The Man Who Married the Mermaid

CURRENT STATUS: Allegedly Stable… for Now

Neil and Daryl got married in 2018, and despite several premonitions from psychics and stoned raccoons, they remain together. They’re into activism, folk music, and performing marriage rituals via djembe drum.

“She makes him talk to trees before breakfast,” said a neighbor who may be a tree himself.

We’re watching this one closely. Will Neil survive the lunar cycles of Hannah’s heart? Or will she move to a yurt in Iceland and date a weather balloon?

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The Mermaid Effect: Why No Man Survives Daryl

We asked Dr. Len Pickle, Celebrity Breakupologist, for insight.

“Daryl has what we call ‘Subaquatic Romantic Turbulence Syndrome.’ That’s when a woman combines mythic beauty, cryptic messaging, and unrelenting idealism until every man she meets either floats away or bursts into interpretive dance.”

Symptoms of dating Daryl include:

• Sudden fascination with compost

• Involuntary haiku-writing

• Financial ruin via essential oil investments

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Public Testimony: What the Funny People Are Saying

“She dates like a jellyfish—beautiful, hypnotic, and emotionally venomous.” — Ron White

“How do you break up with a woman who believes in dolphin marriage? You don’t. You just stop answering smoke signals.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I saw her once at Erewhon pouring kombucha into a dreamcatcher. I fell in love instantly. And then I got food poisoning.” — Dave Chappelle

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Helpful Content: How to Know You’re Dating a Daryl Hannah Type

Top 5 Signs:

1. She replaces your dog with a spirit animal.

2. She insists your house be made entirely of hemp.

3. She says she’s “in a relationship with the Earth” and you’re the side piece.

4. She tattoos your birth chart onto your neck in henna while you sleep.

5. She speaks fluent bird.

What To Do:

• Don’t resist. Just learn to meditate and weep.

• Accept that you are temporary, like a compostable spoon.

• Leave a note, a crystal, and a sprig of lavender. She’ll know.

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Final Thoughts

Daryl Hannah is not a cautionary tale. She is a romantic cataclysm. A one-woman Shakespearean tragedy staged inside a vegan co-op. For those who entered her orbit, they came away confused, transformed, and smelling faintly of sandalwood.

And for Neil Young?

Well… let’s just say the countdown has begun.

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Disclaimer: This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed in the chronicling of this romantic maelstrom, though several ex-boyfriends were.

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Daryl Hannah: Hollywood’s Mermaid of Mayhem

Daryl Hannah, the acclaimed actress known for her roles in films like Splash and Blade Runner, has had several notable relationships over the years. Here’s a list of her known romantic partners: ​El País

Daryl Hannah, the ethereal actress known for her roles in Splash, Blade Runner, and Kill Bill, has not only captivated audiences with her on-screen performances but also intrigued the public with her complex romantic history. Like a siren of the silver screen, she has lured many a high-profile man into her oceanic embrace, only to see them swim away or be cast adrift. This satirical exploration delves into the whimsical and often tumultuous tales of the men who entered—and exited—the life of this enigmatic actress.

1. Chris Bensinger (1976–1977): The Teenage Dream

In the nascent stages of her romantic escapades, a young Daryl Hannah found herself entwined with Chris Bensinger. This adolescent romance, akin to a high school production of Romeo and Juliet, was marked by the innocence of youth and the naiveté of first love. Witnesses from their Chicago neighborhood recall the pair sharing milkshakes at the local diner, oblivious to the complexities that adult relationships would soon unveil.

2. Jackson Browne (1983–1992): The Melodic Misadventure

The 1980s saw Daryl harmonizing with singer-songwriter Jackson Browne. Their nearly decade-long duet was filled with sweet melodies and occasional dissonant chords. Rumors of domestic discord crescendoed in 1992, leading to their final curtain call. Browne later addressed these allegations, seeking to set the record straight. One can only imagine the songwriting sessions: “Running on Empty” might have been more autobiographical than we realized.

3. Mick Jagger (1987): The Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss

In a brief interlude that could only be described as a tabloid’s dream, Daryl was linked with Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger. The two were spotted leaving a New York club together in 1987, sparking rumors faster than you can say “Start Me Up.” However, much like a fleeting guitar riff, this encounter didn’t develop into a full-blown relationship. Perhaps Jagger realized that even he couldn’t keep up with a mermaid on land.

4. Warren Beatty (1987): The Hollywood Casanova

The same year, Daryl reportedly had a brief encounter with actor Warren Beatty. Known for his extensive list of Hollywood conquests, Beatty’s liaison with Hannah was like a scene from one of his own films: passionate, short-lived, and leaving the audience wanting more. One can only speculate if their pillow talk included discussions on the merits of dating within the Hollywood A-list.

5. Jim Henson (1989): The Puppet Master’s Muse

In a twist that seems stranger than fiction, rumors swirled of a romantic connection between Daryl and famed puppeteer Jim Henson. While the details remain murky, one can’t help but wonder if Miss Piggy felt a twinge of jealousy. Perhaps Daryl was seeking a relationship where she could pull the strings for once.

6. John F. Kennedy Jr. (1991–1994): A Presidential Affair

Daryl’s romance with America’s prince, John F. Kennedy Jr., was a tabloid sensation. Their relationship, spanning from 1991 to 1994, was scrutinized under the public microscope. Despite the fairy-tale allure, the union faced challenges, including reported disapproval from the Kennedy matriarch, Jackie Onassis, who envisioned a different destiny for her son. It’s rumored that Jackie preferred her son date someone less… cinematic. After all, it’s hard to compete with a mermaid.

7. Dodi Fayed (1997): The Brief Encounter

In 1997, Daryl was briefly linked to Dodi Fayed, an Egyptian film producer and the son of billionaire Mohamed Al Fayed. Their rendezvous was short-lived, perhaps overshadowed by Fayed’s subsequent and highly publicized relationship with Princess Diana. One might say Daryl had a knack for dating men who were destined for tragic headlines.

8. Val Kilmer (2001–2002): A Cinematic Spark

The early 2000s saw Daryl paired with actor Val Kilmer. Their on-screen collaboration in In God We Trust translated into a brief off-screen romance. Despite the initial spark, the relationship flickered out by 2002, leaving fans and tabloids speculating on the reasons behind the split. Perhaps the real mission impossible was maintaining a relationship in Hollywood.

9. David Blaine (2002): Now You See Him, Now You Don’t

In a magical twist, Daryl dated illusionist David Blaine in 2002. Their relationship was as enigmatic as Blaine’s street magic, leaving onlookers questioning what was real and what was mere illusion. Some say Blaine’s greatest trick was making himself disappear from Daryl’s life.

10. Sean MacPherson (2004–2006): The Hotelier’s Heartbreak

Daryl’s two-year relationship with hotelier Sean MacPherson seemed like a match made in boutique hotel heaven. However, by 2006, the vacancy sign was lit, and Daryl had checked out. Perhaps she realized that while hotels offer room service, they don’t necessarily provide room for personal growth.

11. Brad Renfro (2006): The May-December Misadventure

In 2006, Daryl was linked to actor Brad Renfro, who was significantly younger. Their brief relationship raised eyebrows and questions about generational divides. While some saw it as a cougar’s prowl, others viewed it as two souls connecting beyond age. Regardless, the romance was fleeting, much like Renfro’s tragically short life.

12. Paul Blackthorne (2010–2011): The British Invasion

Daryl’s dalliance with British actor Paul Blackthorne brought a touch of English charm to her romantic repertoire. Their year-long relationship was peppered with transatlantic flights and cultural exchanges. However, by 2011, the curtain had fallen on this cross-continental romance. Perhaps the time zone differences proved too challenging, or maybe Daryl realized she preferred her tea iced.

13. Rami Jaffee (2010–2013): The Rock ‘n’ Roll Rollercoaster

Simultaneously, Daryl was involved with musician Rami Jaffee, known for his work with the Foo Fighters. Their on-again, off-again relationship was reminiscent of a rock ballad: passionate, tumultuous, and ultimately ending on a bittersweet note. One can only imagine the jam sessions and the inevitable clash of egos.

14. Neil Young (2014–Present): Rocking into Matrimony

In a harmonious twist of fate, Daryl found lasting love with musician Neil Young. Their relationship, which began in 2014, culminated in a private wedding ceremony in 2018. The couple’s shared passion for environmental activism has been a cornerstone of their union, showcasing a partnership built on mutual interests and respect. It’s as if Daryl finally found someone who could keep up with her rhythm, both on and off the stage.

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The post Daryl Hannah appeared first on Bohiney News.

Inside the Grotto: Jamie Kennedy, the Playboy Mansion, and America’s Last Indoor Lagoon of Lust

The Grotto of Eden (If Eden Had Jacuzzis, Mystery Fluids, and a Very Confused Jamie Kennedy)

Some places are hallowed grounds. The Roman Forum. The Great Pyramids. The Chick-fil-A in Wichita Falls that still has a ball pit. But for a solid three decades, America’s most notorious archaeological marvel was buried in the hills of Los Angeles, behind a gate that could only be unlocked with a firm handshake and a loose moral code. Yes, we’re talking about the Playboy Mansion’s Grotto — where dreams were made, infections were shared, and comedians like Jamie Kennedy were somehow granted VIP wristbands.

Last week, Kennedy broke the sacred seal on grotto secrecy by casually revealing that “you didn’t have to be rich or famous — you just had to have a pulse and be cool” to gain access. Forensic sociologists refer to this as “The Great Democratization of Debauchery.” We simply call it Tuesday at the Mansion.

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Where Water Went to Die (and Possibly Reproduce)

Multiple unnamed health officials we definitely didn’t invent confirm that the grotto water once tested positive for:

• Three types of sunscreen never approved by the FDA

• An entire mojito

• Two strands of DNA not previously found on Earth

One disgraced epidemiologist — Dr. Darren McGroin, now working out of the back room of a Long Beach vape shop — claims the grotto may have “spontaneously evolved its own bacterial ecosystem that achieved sentience and tried to unionize in 2007.”

Even Jamie Kennedy himself admitted he once brought a drink into the grotto and walked out with “an unwanted feeling of closeness to humanity.”

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Social Darwinism in Swim Trunks

The real magic of the grotto wasn’t the nudity or the nudity or, again, the nudity. No — it was the way it leveled the playing field.

As Jamie put it, “You’d see a janitor from Van Nuys with three women. The dude looked like he just got off a shift at Arby’s. That was beautiful.”

Sociologists call this The Grotto Effect, in which the traditional hierarchies of wealth, status, and basic grooming collapsed the moment a fog machine went off and someone shouted, “Who brought the flamingo?”

In fact, a 2009 University of Arizona study (which has since been redacted after the university president’s wife recognized herself in the data) found that 47% of all hookups in the grotto occurred between people who otherwise wouldn’t share an elevator.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“The Grotto was like a sauna if your main goal was to leave with trauma.” — Ron White

“It’s weird — there were more cameras than in a Walgreens, but somehow nobody remembered anything.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“It wasn’t a party. It was an adult Chuck E. Cheese with syphilis.” — Chris Rock

“I walked in, I slipped on body oil, and I slid straight into someone’s second marriage.” — Sarah Silverman

“There was a guy selling bootleg condoms outside the grotto. He had a punch card.” — Larry David

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Helpful Content for SpinTaxi Readers: Should You Host Your Own Grotto-Themed Party?

We interviewed some party-planning experts, a Vegas hypnotist, and one guy who used to clean the tanks at SeaWorld. Here’s what they had to say:

• Don’t fill your tub with mystery water. Stick to filtered water and not a piña colada you found behind the couch.

• Get insurance. Like, a lot of insurance. For your guests, your house, and your future lawsuits.

• Install blacklights. So people know what to avoid.

• Make a playlist that includes nothing from the ’90s. Unless you want Jamie Kennedy to show up uninvited.

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Part 2 Coming Up:

• The man who claimed he fathered triplets in the grotto and now runs a kombucha stand in Pasadena.

• Why the CDC briefly considered declaring the Playboy Mansion a wetland conservation site.

• And: What the water actually whispered to Paris Hilton in 2005.

Auf Wiedersehen. Want to keep going with Part 2?

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What Lies Beneath: The Grotto’s Forgotten Fluids, Whispering Water, and the Kombucha Prophet of Pasadena

The Man Who Claims the Grotto Made Him a Father (to Fluids, Not People)

Meet Dale “Trip Daddy” Bruckner, a former karaoke DJ and amateur cologne chemist who claims the Playboy Mansion’s grotto is the biological father of his children. Dale insists he conceived triplets during a foam party in 2003, though all he remembers is waking up between a saxophone player from Miami and a woman wearing nothing but a cape and a voter registration form.

“I just know I wasn’t alone in that water,” Dale said, sipping from a mason jar labeled “spiritual juice.” “That grotto had a pulse. And when I got out, I felt reborn. And slightly itchy.”

He’s since opened a kombucha stand in Pasadena called Grotto Grains, where the drinks are fermented with “ancestral spring essence” and a laminated photo of Hugh Hefner.

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The CDC’s 2006 Internal Memo: “This Is a Biohazard, Not a Birthday Party”

We obtained a leaked 2006 CDC memo, stamped “URGENT – DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING”, in which agency officials debated whether to designate the grotto as:

• A Superfund Site

• A sexually active tide pool

• Or simply “unholy water”

An anonymous whistleblower from within the agency (codename: “Dr. Slippery”) claimed that swabs from the grotto yielded trace elements of:

• Fluoxetine

• Champagne

• Nutella

• Something that closely resembled human ambition

In a controversial ruling, the CDC’s final classification of the Playboy Mansion’s grotto was:

“Technically not illegal… but unwise.”

This decision, according to FOIA-released emails, was made after a deputy director admitted to “having a surprisingly good time there once in 1999.”

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Grotto Water: The Consciousness-Expanding Liquid of the 2000s

Forget ayahuasca. Forget peyote. The Playboy Grotto’s water was described by guests as:

• “Spiritual Robitussin”

• “A portal to your worst decisions”

• “A warm, carbonated fog of forgiveness and herpes”

Paris Hilton once claimed the water whispered a stock tip to her, which she ignored, but “still felt empowered.”

Britney Spears reportedly dipped one toe in and briefly remembered her Social Security number, while Ashton Kutcher emerged after a cannonball yelling, “I just solved a proof of God and it smells like shrimp cocktail!”

This water, according to unverified lore, could:

• Reveal your spirit animal (usually a raccoon or a strip mall attorney)

• Remove inhibitions and your watch

• Help you forget your name but remember every word to “Thong Song”

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False Analogies and Grotto Logic

Let’s be clear: The grotto was not a hot tub. A hot tub implies warmth, filtration, and some semblance of control. The grotto was more like:

• A bio-reactive cuddle cauldron

• A liquid fraternity hazing ritual

• Woodstock, if it were sponsored by Red Bull and regrettable tattoos

As Jamie Kennedy astutely noted: “It was the great equalizer.”

That’s not a metaphor — that’s a viable chemical description. Scientists now believe the pH balance in the grotto was so off that it may have erased class distinction via skin osmosis.

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What the Funny People Are Still Saying

“If that water had rights, it would’ve sued for overexposure.” — Amy Schumer

“I once found a fake Rolex, a stiletto, and a guy named Steve in there — and I was only in it for ten seconds.” — Larry David

“Honestly, the grotto gave me flashbacks to Woodstock ’99. Except with better lighting and fewer fires.” — Chris Rock

“The water didn’t judge you. The water couldn’t. It was too busy metabolizing tequila.” — Ron White

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Breaking: Grotto DNA Now Sold as NFT

In a shocking twist, tech startup AquaSins.io has announced the sale of “Grotto Water Legacy DNA NFTs,” which supposedly contain microscopic samples of the original grotto fluid harvested from a souvenir bikini top found in a defunct Hot Topic in Glendale.

For only $999.99 (or one disappointing Dogecoin transaction), you too can own a pixelated JPEG of a water droplet that possibly once touched Scott Baio.

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Coming Next in Part 3:

• The full CDC warning issued in 2010 that was buried in the same vault as Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl nipple

• A full fake eyewitness account from someone who met their soulmate in the grotto — only to find out she was a regional manager for Jamba Juice

• Theories that the grotto is still active — and alive

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Secrets of the Soak: The Grotto That Refused to Die — and the Woman From Jamba Juice

The Jamba Juice Love Story That Shook the Chlorine Gods

Among the countless romances forged under Hefner’s humid moonlight, none is more tragic, inspiring, and smoothie-adjacent than the tale of Bradley “Bro-Chad” Ventura, a mid-level assistant stuntman who entered the grotto looking for networking opportunities and emerged four hours later claiming he’d found “his wife, his purpose, and his missing flip-flop.”

Her name was Amberleigh, and she looked like “a Malibu mermaid mixed with a credit score over 780.” They kissed beneath a fiber-optic waterfall and pledged eternal lust under the plastic Venus de Milo statue.

Six weeks later, she dumped him in a Jamba Juice parking lot while wearing a headset and blending wheatgrass. He swore revenge, or at least a scathing Yelp review.

He now leads a men’s retreat called Grotto Warriors: Reclaim Your Mist Fog Power, which meets weekly behind a strip mall Red Lobster and only accepts members who’ve had at least one mysterious rash.

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The 2010 CDC Memo That Was Buried Deeper Than Jimmy Hoffa

In 2010, the CDC drafted a document titled “Playboy Grotto: A Multi-Fluid Risk Analysis”, which concluded:

“The average person exiting the grotto has more unidentifiable chemical residue than a drug-sniffing dog at a Burning Man port-a-potty.”

Among the highlights:

• The grotto water contained 20% tanning oil, 12% vodka, and 3% raw charisma

• Bacteria cultured from the tiles formed a “social club” with its own bylaws

• One strain of fungal growth was allegedly dating a nurse from Cedars-Sinai

But the report was swiftly classified after a CDC intern “accidentally” uploaded it to a fantasy football Slack channel.

To this day, the only publicly released line is:
“This is not a pool. This is an outbreak in soup form.”

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The Grotto Is Still Alive — And Possibly Dating a Kardashian

A 2024 TikTok post by @GrottoTruther88 claimed that the grotto water, sealed in vintage Mason jars and hidden in a Malibu storage unit, reanimated itself, smashed through tempered glass, and “slithered” toward the Pacific Ocean.

The video includes blurry footage of what looks like a moist ripple in the sand, accompanied by an ominous sloshing noise and the faint whisper, “You up?”

Sources close to the Kardashians (a guy who once held Kourtney’s umbrella) believe one of them may already be in a situationship with this aquatic menace. Rumor has it the sentient water now goes by the name “Groto” and identifies as liquid-fluid.

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What the Funny People Are Whispering Now

“The grotto was the only body of water where you could catch mono and a six-figure Netflix deal in the same weekend.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“At one point, the water asked me for a cigarette. I gave it one.” — Ron White

“Even I wouldn’t do stand-up in there. Too wet. Too weird. Too many ex-boyfriends in swim trunks.” — Amy Schumer

“It’s not that the grotto changed people. It’s that it revealed who they already were — tacky and damp.” — Larry David

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Final Warning from the Surgeon General (Probably)

A fake-but-accurate Surgeon General poster now circulates on dark web forums. It reads:

WARNING: Prolonged exposure to Playboy Grotto environments may cause:

• Sudden career changes

• Mysterious Facebook friend requests from women named “Candi”

• Inexplicable interest in DJing

• Skin that glows in blacklight even after baptism

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Helpful Content for SpinTaxi Readers:

Signs You May Have Been in the Grotto (and Should Seek Spiritual Antibiotics)

• You hear whispers every time you step in the shower

• Your loofah has a tan line

• You develop an unexplained affinity for Ed Hardy cologne

• You remember nothing… but you feel… moistly triumphant

If you suspect you’ve been in the grotto — or a similarly cursed jacuzzi — consult a priest, a pharmacist, and a podiatrist.

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Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed in the making of this exposé, but several pool noodles were emotionally compromised.

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15 Observations Inspired by Jamie Kennedy’s Playboy Mansion Grotto Memories

The Grotto Was Basically a Hot Tub Time Machine, Minus the Time Travel and Plus the STDs
If you stuck your toe in the water, you might come out with a tattoo and a baby you didn’t order.

Every Guy in the Grotto Looked Like They Got Lost on the Way to a Dave & Buster’s
Nothing says “playboy” like cargo shorts and an “I’m With Stupid” T-shirt.

Hugh Hefner’s Parties Were the Only Place Where You Could Be a Plumber and Still Get a Lap Dance from a Danish Supermodel
It was like LinkedIn, if LinkedIn smelled like Axe body spray and broken dreams.

Nobody Ever Knew What Was in the Grotto Water — But It Definitely Had a High Percentage of Regret
You don’t go in to swim. You go in to lose your dignity in a warm, moist cloud of mystery fluids.

The Grotto Had More DNA Than a Crime Lab
CSI refused to film there. Even they had boundaries.

Jamie Kennedy Wasn’t Even the Weirdest Person in There
There was a guy with a possum on his shoulder giving life advice to a Victoria’s Secret model.

It Was the Only Place on Earth Where You Could See Snoop Dogg, a Hedge Fund Manager, and a Clown from Reno All Flirting with the Same Woman
And she was married to a magician named Randy.

The Mansion Grotto Was the Original Metaverse — Just with Less Consent and More Towels
Except your avatar smelled like tequila and tanning lotion.

Half the People at the Party Didn’t Even Know Who Hefner Was
They thought he was a retired pharmacist who wandered into the pool area.

The Grotto Was the Only Place You Could Catch Hepatitis and a Film Deal in the Same Night
Hollywood networking, baby. Shake hands, make deals, take penicillin.

There Were More Silicone-Based Lifeforms in That Water Than in a Marvel Movie
Everyone floated — even people who didn’t know how to swim. Thanks to engineering.

At Hef’s Party, Even the Caterers Got Numbers
You came to serve shrimp; you left with a girlfriend named Misty and a suspicious rash.

Jamie Said He Walked in with a Drink and Left with Existential Dread
Which, oddly enough, is also how most people felt after watching Son of the Mask.

You Didn’t Need to Be Rich or Famous, Just Available and Ignorant of Waterborne Parasites
It wasn’t who you were — it was how long you could hold your breath.

The Real Mystery Was: Who Cleaned the Grotto?
Or maybe nobody did. Maybe it just evolved into its own sentient life form around 2003.

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The post The Playboy Mansion: America’s Last Lustful Location appeared first on Bohiney News.

Sam Altman’s Firing Was Just a Little Boardroom Genocide: A Comedy of AIrrors

It started over sashimi.

Peter Thiel, famed venture capitalist and recreational doomsday prepper, leaned over a glistening plate of Japanese avant-garde cuisine in L.A.’s Arts District and told Sam Altman—CEO of OpenAI and part-time AI godfather—that his company was infiltrated.

“You don’t understand,” Thiel whispered, likely while dramatically holding chopsticks like a Bond villain. “Half your company is full of Eliezer Yudkowsky acolytes who think Siri is going to murder us all.”

Altman blinked.

Then, like any reasonable man being warned that his billion-dollar startup is spiritually possessed by philosophy majors with messiah complexes, he picked at his vegan tempura and silently screamed.

Thus began the most dramatic corporate breakup since Ross said, “We were on a break.”

The Sushi Heard ‘Round the World

Altman’s OpenAI was riding high. ChatGPT was printing dopamine for the masses. Tech stocks soared. Everyone from the Pope to the Pope’s IT guy wanted a selfie with Sam. By all metrics, he was Silicon Valley’s prom king.

But behind the vegan tasting menu and GPT-generated press releases, the board of OpenAI was quietly organizing an intellectual coup worthy of a Succession writer’s room.

The reason? Sam Altman was “not consistently candid.”

That’s right. They fired the face of modern artificial intelligence not for fraud, or theft, or misuse of company funds—but because he was just a little too good at dodgeball.

Altman, like a human version of a browser history set to “incognito,” apparently forgot to mention a few tiny details—like launching GPT-4 in India, skipping safety protocols, and owning OpenAI’s Startup Fund personally.

Sam’s Side Hustles Were a Full-Time Job

At the time of his firing, Altman was running OpenAI, managing a fund, building AI chips, whispering to Congress, doing TED Talks in his sleep, and spiritually guiding three dozen AI startups.

One employee compared working for Altman to “being on a rocket ship without a seatbelt while the pilot’s multitasking on six other rockets.”

“I once emailed Sam for PTO approval,” said an exhausted engineer. “He replied by launching a satellite.”

The Board’s Plan: Fire Sam, Ghost Microsoft, Pray

On November 16, 2023, four board members held the most important Zoom call since your aunt accidentally turned herself into a potato on Thanksgiving 2020.

They voted to fire Altman. They didn’t tell Microsoft, their largest investor. They didn’t tell employees. They didn’t even tell the office vending machine, which reportedly stopped dispensing snacks in protest.

Instead, they hit “publish” on a vague blog post:

“Sam Altman is no longer employed at OpenAI. He was not consistently candid. That is all. Please do not feed the AI.”

Satya Nadella, CEO of Microsoft, found out the same way the rest of us did: refreshing Twitter in the bathroom.

GPT-4 Might Be Safer Than the Humans Running It

The irony is delicious: a company obsessed with making AI align with human values can’t even align humans with each other.

OpenAI had created a joint safety board with Microsoft to monitor releases. But apparently, Altman believed “joint” meant “optional.” Products were launched, rules were skipped, and the board learned about GPT-4’s Indian rollout from an engineer gossiping in the hallway—literally the startup version of overhearing your boyfriend is cheating from a barista.

One board member described it as “finding out your house is on fire after the marshmallows are roasted.”

Slack: The Smoking Gun of Silicon Valley

In a plot twist worthy of a high school group project gone wrong, Altman’s downfall was documented in Slack threads and PDF printouts from a Gmail account with self-destructing emails.

It turns out that when your management style involves gaslighting the CTO, triangulating your co-founders, and deploying rogue products, your company’s internal comms begin to resemble Watergate—but with emojis.

One document included a Slack message where Altman told Mira Murati (OpenAI’s CTO) that legal had approved GPT-4 Turbo’s launch. When she checked, legal replied: “Huh?”

Another screenshot just said “:fire: :rocket: :lie_detector:” which feels about right.

Mira Murati: The Whistleblower Who Un-Whistleblew Herself

Murati initially helped take down Altman, citing his “toxic” leadership and the fact that Greg Brockman (Altman’s loyal sidekick) kept overriding her authority like a Roomba with a superiority complex.

But the moment Sam was fired, Murati flipped like a Cirque du Soleil performer on a Red Bull IV.

She signed the employee letter demanding Altman’s reinstatement. In 48 hours, she went from “he must go” to “bring him back or I riot.”

This marked the first known case of reverse-whistleblowing, or as philosophers now call it: “The Murati Maneuver.”

Sutskever’s Plan: Democracy via Coup, Regret via Email

Chief Scientist Ilya Sutskever, once the Jedi of OpenAI, helped orchestrate Altman’s ouster and then expected a standing ovation from employees.

Instead, they signed a mutiny letter. Even the interns. One office plant tried to sign it.

Sutskever quickly added his name to the letter too, like a kid who sets the gym on fire and then joins the fire brigade.

Some say his internal monologue sounded like, “Et tu, Me?”

Brockman: Loyal Sidekick or AI Court Jester?

Greg Brockman was removed from the board the same day, mostly because Mira Murati refused to report to someone who thought “transparency” meant forwarding one out-of-context Slack screenshot every lunar eclipse.

Altman had been promising both Sutskever and another researcher, Jakub Pachocki, they could lead the same department—like a wedding officiated by a pathological liar.

This led to two teams merging, a leadership vacuum, and a research roadmap that looked like spaghetti thrown at a whiteboard.

The Real Reason? Board Members Were Just Tired of Being Gaslit by a Cyborg

Altman may not be a robot, but he’s definitely running some next-gen firmware. His ability to dodge accountability was so refined, GPT-5 now trains on transcripts of his one-on-ones.

“He’s the only guy who could launch an AI model, deny he launched it, then gaslight you into believing you launched it,” said one staffer. “And he does it with this weird humbleface. Like a Buddhist monk who just committed securities fraud.”

Thiel’s Advice Was Strangely Prophetic (And Kind of Petty)

Thiel warned Altman the EA crowd would destroy him. He was half-right. It wasn’t because they were wrong—it’s because he said it during a dinner party like a Bond villain with a Google Doc.

He compared OpenAI’s internal philosophy debates to cult warfare. Which is rich, coming from a man who funded a blood-harvesting startup and openly supports immortality via libertarianism.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Sam Altman got fired for lying too well. That’s like kicking Picasso out of art school because his paintings were too weird.” — Ron White

“If your company values transparency and you fire the CEO without telling anyone, maybe your values need a software update.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Altman’s board said he was ‘not consistently candid.’ Bruh, that’s just a startup founder with a subscription to Notion and trauma.” — Amy Schumer

“They ran OpenAI like a commune where everyone thinks they’re the only one who knows what ‘alignment’ means.” — Dave Chappelle

A Very Helpful SpinTaxi Guide: How to Survive a Firing by Your Own Board

1. Always Have Microsoft on Speed Dial
Nothing says “you messed up” like Satya Nadella calling from a private jet and asking, “WTF?”

2. Become So Irreplaceable They Beg You Back
Altman was rehired faster than most of us can reset a Gmail password.

3. Train your team to revolt in your absence
Altman’s loyal employees signed a company-wide rebellion. All he had to do was exist.

4. If you’re going to gaslight people, use Slack so there’s a paper trail
Classic mistake. Real villains use Telegram.

5. Drop vague philosophical quotes in meetings
Saying things like “The AGI is within us” or “Reality is merely a prompt” will distract people for days.

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The Satirical Autopsy: What Really Happened?

Was Altman fired because he was a chaotic visionary who bent reality like Neo with better lighting?

Yes.

Was the board a mix of academics, philosophers, and HR consultants whose idea of decisive action involved reading each other’s Substack posts?

Also yes.

In the end, Altman returned. Sutskever apologized. Microsoft installed tracking beacons in every coffee cup. And OpenAI went back to doing what it does best: building sentient machines under the watchful eye of deeply unqualified philosophers with dual degrees in bioethics and low-stakes panic.

We may never know the real reason Sam Altman was fired.

But we do know one thing: whatever happens next will absolutely be announced via Slack, leaked to Twitter, and denied in a New Yorker profile.

Because that’s how the future works now.

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Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any similarity to actual facts is purely coincidental, unless it’s hilarious, in which case it was obviously intentional.

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15 Observations Based on the WSJ Deep Dive

1. Peter Thiel Gives Business Advice Over Sushi Like a Fortune Cookie on Steroids
   Thiel warned Altman over vegan tempura that “half your company is brainwashed by AI doomers,” which sounds less like business intel and more like a rejected plot for Black Mirror: Omakase Edition.

2. Effective Altruism Has Evolved Into ‘Ineffective Office Politics’
   The EA crowd shifted from saving starving children to saving hypothetical future robots from hurt feelings. At this point, the movement might be powered by AI-generated anxiety.

3. Altman Was “CEO” in Title, “Shadow Emperor” in Practice
   The board technically had power, but Sam wielded influence like Gandalf at a Hogwarts PTA meeting. “The board can fire me,” he said. He just didn’t expect them to actually do it.

4. GPT-4 Might Have Triggered More Existential Dread Than Climate Change
   The board saw a demo of GPT-4 and immediately began drafting wills, manifestos, and Doomsday bunker lease agreements.

5. Murati and Sutskever Pulled Off the Tech World’s First Whisper Coup
   They secretly coordinated over Slack and encrypted PDFs to execute the most polite backstab since Caesar asked, “Et tu, bro?”

6. Altman’s Definition of ‘No Equity’ Is Like Saying You Don’t Own the Ferrari—You Just Drive It Every Day
   Altman had “no equity,” but quietly owned OpenAI’s Startup Fund. Somewhere, Elizabeth Holmes is blushing.

7. Microsoft Was Not Told—But Definitely Noticed
   Satya Nadella learned Altman was fired after the blog post went up. He immediately called his therapist and lawyer. At once.

8. Altman’s Leadership Style? Think Steve Jobs, If He Delegated Through Cryptic Slack Emojis
   He’d pit execs against each other like it was Survivor: Neural Net Edition, making promises to multiple people for the same job.

9. The Board Was Shocked—SHOCKED!—That Their Secret Plot Had Consequences
   After firing Altman, they were surprised people cared. Maybe they expected applause? Confetti? A standing ovation from Siri?

10. Murati Flipped Sides Like a Well-Trained AI Model Prompted by a Larger Dataset
    First she provided evidence against Altman. Then she signed the employee letter demanding his return. Consistency is for carbon-based lifeforms.

11. Sutskever Was Branded a Traitor by Altman’s Army of Loyal Nerds
    He expected the staff to thank him. Instead, they turned faster than a Tesla in Ludicrous Mode.

12. Altman Had More Comebacks Than a Marvel Superhero
    Fired Friday. Rehired Monday. Next time he’ll probably just teleport back through an API call.

13. The Board Voted via Zoom Call Like It Was Fantasy Football Draft Night
    “Okay, I vote to fire Sam and bench Brockman. Also, I’m starting GPT-4 as my QB.”

14. Slack Messages Became the Smoking Gun
    Internal documentation of lies, bullying, and rogue AI rollouts were stored in Slack like it was Nixon’s Watergate tapes—but with more emojis.

15. Altman Made AI Look Safe Compared to His Own Management Style
    When you’re building machines that could end civilization, the people running it shouldn’t also be described as “mercurial” and “cryptic.”

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Who Runs Columbia University? An Investigation

In the hallowed halls of Columbia University, where ivy clings to the walls as tenaciously as students cling to their coffee cups during finals, a new question has emerged: Who’s really in charge here? Is it the esteemed faculty, the diligent administrators, or, as some satirical reports suggest, organizations like Hamas and Hezbollah? Let’s embark on a tongue-in-cheek journey to unravel this academic enigma.

The Campus Takeover: From Lectures to Levant

Once upon a time, Columbia was renowned for its rigorous academics and vibrant student life. But according to our satirical sources, things took a turn when international organizations decided that influencing Middle Eastern politics wasn’t enough—they needed to weigh in on Ivy League curricula.

Expert Opinions from the Middle East

Dr. Ima Jokester, a fictional expert from the Institute of Satirical Studies, notes, “It’s only logical. After years of geopolitical strategizing, the next step for any organization is obviously to delve into university governance. Where else can you find such heated debates and passionate disagreements?”

The Great Distraction: Trading Conflict for Campus Policies

In a surprising twist, these organizations have allegedly become so engrossed in shaping Columbia’s policies that they’ve momentarily paused their other activities. Our satirical investigation reveals that drafting university bylaws and attending faculty meetings have taken precedence over their usual agendas.

Changes Within the Organizations: MTGA (Make Terrorism Great Again)

In response to their newfound academic interests, there’s talk of rebranding efforts. The proposed MTGA movement aims to shift focus from international conflicts to more pressing issues like tenure disputes and cafeteria food quality. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton; let’s see if it pays off.

Columbia’s Return to Academia: A Glimmer of Hope

With these organizations knee-deep in academic bureaucracy, Columbia might just have the chance to return to its roots as a place of learning and intellectual exploration. Students can look forward to a campus where the most heated debates are over which library is the best study spot.

Student Reactions: A Mixed Bag

Freshman Jane Doe comments, “It’s refreshing! Now, instead of dodging protests, I can focus on dodging my responsibilities like a normal student.”

Conclusion: A New Era for Columbia?

As we conclude this satirical exposé, one thing is clear: the landscape of university governance is as unpredictable as ever. Whether or not these organizations truly have a say in Columbia’s affairs is up for debate, but the mere notion provides ample fodder for campus comedians and satirists alike.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and in no way reflects the actual governance or affiliations of Columbia University. Any resemblance to real persons or entities is purely coincidental. Auf Wiedersehen!

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“I heard Hamas and Hezbollah took over Columbia—finally, some structure in the Philosophy Department!”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“Columbia students are confused. They thought ‘guerrilla warfare’ was a new improv troupe.”
— Ron White

“Apparently, Hezbollah wrote the new Diversity Statement. It begins, ‘Death to midterm grading curves.’”
— Amy Schumer

“Hamas said they’re not anti-Semitic. They just hate overpriced textbooks and Zionist bagels.”
— Larry David

“Campus police said the new threat level is ‘mildly offended but well-organized.’”
— Sarah Silverman

“MTGA? Make Terrorism Great Again? Great—just what we need, another hat-based movement with delusions of grandeur.”
— Chris Rock

“Columbia’s student body now identifies as ‘militantly undecided.’”
— Tina Fey

“The terrorists promised not to bomb midterms… but only if they’re open book.”
— Billy Crystal

“Columbia used to be a university. Now it’s the U.N. with dorm rooms and tuition debt.”
— Jon Stewart

“First they came for the vending machines. Then they came for the Board of Trustees.”
— Dave Chappelle

“Even Hezbollah was like, ‘We were gonna destabilize the region, but that Gender Studies final was a real bitch.’”
— Roseanne Barr

“I don’t know who’s running Columbia anymore—could be Hamas, could be the Sociology Department. Either way, someone’s getting tenure they didn’t earn.”
— Bill Burr

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15 Observations on the Satirical Theme of Terrorist Groups Influencing Columbia University

1. Terrorist Organizations as University Administrators

Isn’t it funny how some folks think terrorist groups like Hamas and Hezbollah are now running Columbia University? I mean, what’s next? Al-Qaeda heading up the PTA?​

2. The New Core Curriculum: Explosives 101

Imagine the course catalog: “This semester, learn the fundamentals of Improvised Devices with Professor Jihad.” Talk about a blast in class!​

3. Campus Protests: From Sit-ins to Siege Tactics

Remember when college protests were about peace and love? Now, it’s like they’re auditioning for a role in “Call of Duty.”​New York Post

4. Graduation Ceremonies with Rocket Launchers

“Congratulations, Class of 2025! Please accept your diplomas and complimentary RPGs.” That’s one way to motivate students to aim high.​ Middle East Forum

5. Financial Aid from the Axis of Evil

Forget FAFSA; students are now applying for scholarships from organizations that make the Mafia look like a charity.​Congress.gov

6. Study Abroad in Conflict Zones

“This year, our exchange program takes you to the beautiful, war-torn regions of the Middle East. Don’t forget your flak jacket!”​

7. Campus Security Training with Militants

Who needs campus police when you’ve got insurgents conducting safety drills? “In case of emergency, please follow the guy with the AK-47.”​

8. Faculty Meetings with Warlords

Imagine the staff lounge: “Professor Smith, meet your new colleague, General Destruction. He’ll be teaching Conflict Resolution.”​Wikipedia

9. Terrorist Groups Hosting Alumni Events

“Join us for a night of reminiscing and revolution. Don’t forget to bring your own balaclava.”​The Guardian

10. Campus Bookstore Selling Manifestos

Why buy textbooks when you can get the latest edition of “Insurgency for Dummies”? It’s a real page-turner.​

11. Cheerleaders with Grenades

“Give me a B! Give me an O! Give me an O—wait, where’s the pin on this thing?”​

12. Fraternities Pledging to Rebel Leaders

“This semester, Alpha Beta is proud to announce our new pledge master: Commander Chaos. Initiation just got intense.”​New York Post

13. Cafeteria Serving MREs

Forget gourmet dining; students are now enjoying Meals Ready to Explode. Bon appétit!​

14. Student Government Enforcing Martial Law

Who needs democracy when your student council has a militia? Elections just got a lot more interesting.​

15. Mascot Changes to a Suicide Bomber

“Go Fightin’ Bombers! Our team spirit is the bomb—literally.”​

Note: These observations are purely satirical and not reflective of actual events or endorsements.

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Trump Demands Recount After Losing Checkers Game to 8-Year-Old

A Game of Kings, Pawns, and Tiny Tyrants

In what can only be described as the most stunning upset in the history of backyard board games—and possibly in American politics—a heated checkers match between former President Donald Trump and a precocious 8-year-old champion has erupted into a full-blown recount scandal. On a warm, sunny afternoon at Mar-a-Lago’s luxurious poolside pavilion, a checkers board became the arena for an epic clash of wits, where one side boasted the swagger of a former commander-in-chief and the other, the determined gaze of a child whose only qualification was a sharp mind honed on countless hours of recess strategy.

Eyewitnesses report that as the game neared its climax, Trump’s board position began to crumble like a sandcastle in a tide. With each decisive jump by the pint-sized opponent, Trump’s signature bluster gave way to an ever-mounting fury. “I don’t know what game this is, but it’s rigged!” he bellowed, his voice echoing over the manicured lawns. “I demand a recount! I demand fairness! This is the most disgraceful thing I’ve ever seen!”

The Checkers Controversy: More Than Just Child’s Play

The incident, which started as a friendly challenge to pass the time during an off-day golf session, quickly evolved into a media frenzy. Political pundits, playground parents, and even professional checkers players have since weighed in on what is being dubbed “The Great Checkers Recount.” Initially, the match was intended as a lighthearted diversion—an opportunity for Trump to showcase his “tremendous” tactical skills against the brilliant mind of young Timmy Thompson, a local third-grader renowned for his strategic play. However, as the final moves unfolded on the checkered battlefield, the scorecard revealed an incontrovertible fact: Timmy had bested Trump.

According to multiple sources at the event, the turning point came when the child executed a double jump that left Trump’s king piece trapped in a precarious position. “I was watching from the sidelines, and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” recalled one aide. “One minute, Trump was bragging about his ‘yuge’ potential, and the next, he was fuming because a kid outsmarted him at his own game.”

Trump’s immediate response was not to congratulate his opponent or even reflect on his own gameplay. Instead, he demanded a formal recount of every move—a recount not unlike those he once insisted were necessary during contentious presidential elections. “We need transparency,” he declared. “This game was a disaster. I want every jump, every slide, every move recounted by independent experts. I’ll have them review the tapes and even the chalk dust on the board if we have to!”

The Political Implications of a Checkers Recount

Political analysts are now scrambling to interpret the implications of this seemingly trivial incident. Some suggest that the checkers game could serve as a microcosm for the broader political battles that have defined Trump’s public life. “It’s a metaphor,” explains Dr. Eleanor Strategos, a professor of political humor at the University of Satire and Irony. “Trump sees every loss as a betrayal—a sign that the system is rigged against him, whether it’s a presidential election or a simple board game against a precocious child.”

Social media erupted in response to the news, with hashtags such as #CheckersGate, #RecountTheBoard, and #KidWins echoing across Twitter and Facebook. Memes circulated wildly, featuring images of a tiny champion brandishing a checkers king piece, while Trump’s cartoonish caricature is shown furiously demanding a recount as if he were presiding over an election night in 2016. Political satirists have pointed out that if Trump can’t handle losing a checkers game, how can he possibly lead a country?

Expert Opinions: When Childhood Meets the Oval Office

In an exclusive interview with our satirical desk, renowned checkers grandmaster and retired circus clown, Mr. Reginald “Red” Rook, weighed in on the game. “I’ve seen many games in my day—games with strategy, games with heart—but never have I seen a recount demanded over checkers by someone who’s never played a real game before,” Rook quipped, his tone part incredulity and part amusement. “It’s like a clown demanding a rematch after losing at musical chairs. You know it’s not really about the game; it’s about the principle of it all.”

Dr. Strategos adds, “This is a classic case of overreaction. Losing a game to an 8-year-old is bound to ruffle anyone’s feathers, but Trump’s response highlights a persistent belief that every loss is a personal affront. In his mind, the board is rigged, and the world is conspiring to make him look foolish—whether it’s in politics or checkers.”

Parents of young Timmy, meanwhile, express a mix of pride and concern. “I’m thrilled my son got to experience the spotlight,” said Mrs. Thompson, Timmy’s mother, beaming with pride. “But I worry that if a simple game of checkers can turn into such a political debacle, what does that say about our society? It’s like watching a reality TV show, but with actual consequences.”

A Recount Unlike Any Other

In an unexpected twist, Trump’s recount team has been mobilized faster than a campaign rally. Sources reveal that the team—consisting of former campaign staffers, statisticians with degrees in ‘alternative facts,’ and a couple of disillusioned playground monitors—has gathered at a secret location. Their task: to scrutinize every square of the checkers board, re-interview the witnesses, and even consult the chalk used to mark the board. “We’re going deep,” one team member stated. “We’ll leave no stone unturned, no square unchecked. If there’s any chance that a foul occurred, we’ll find it.”

Critics are quick to point out the absurdity of such an effort. Political satirist and self-declared checkers enthusiast, Ms. Valerie Victory, noted, “This recount is more of a publicity stunt than a genuine attempt to resolve a dispute. It’s a microcosm of the post-truth era—where facts are negotiable and even the simplest game can be rigged in the mind of a defeated man.”

In a press briefing that was livestreamed on multiple platforms, Trump’s recount head declared, “This is not just about checkers—it’s about justice. It’s about ensuring that every jump and every move is fair. And if that means reviewing every grain of dust on that board, so be it!” The statement was met with both laughter and disbelief across the nation, with many wondering if this was yet another chapter in the never-ending saga of Trump versus the establishment—even if the establishment in this case was an 8-year-old checkers prodigy.

The Social Media Circus: Memes, Jokes, and Hashtags

No satirical event of this magnitude would be complete without the inevitable social media storm. Hashtags like #TinyTyrant, #CheckersConspiracy, and #BoardGameBlunder flooded the internet. Memes depicted Trump in a tiny playground, facing off against a giant, smiling child armed with nothing but a checkers king and an oversized lollipop. Viral videos showed reenactments of the match, complete with dramatic music and exaggerated slow-motion moves. One particularly popular clip featured a mock interview with the child, who was asked, “How did you defeat the former president?” The child replied, “I just played by the rules,” in a tone that mixed innocence with smug satisfaction.

Political commentators on cable news found themselves forced to discuss the incident at length. “If you can’t even win a game of checkers without throwing a fit, what does that say about your leadership?” one host asked, half-laughing and half-serious. Meanwhile, late-night comedians had a field day, with jokes ranging from “Trump’s new campaign slogan: ‘I’m going to recount my wins!’” to “Maybe next time he’ll challenge a 5-year-old at hopscotch.”

The Fallout: Repercussions in the World of Politics and Beyond

The fallout from the checkers debacle has been swift and far-reaching. Political analysts are already predicting that the incident will have ramifications on Trump’s public image and could even influence future political strategies. “It’s a lesson in humility—or at least it should be,” opined one senior political strategist. “If you can’t handle a loss at checkers, how are you supposed to handle the rigors of national leadership?”

Opponents of Trump have seized upon the incident to mock his inability to accept defeat gracefully. Social media influencers and pundits alike have compared the incident to past political controversies, with one popular tweet reading, “From boardrooms to backyards, Trump just can’t take a loss—even when it comes from an 8-year-old.” Conservative commentators, however, have attempted to downplay the incident as a momentary lapse in judgment, arguing that even the best leaders can have an off day on the playground.

In a surprising twist, a bipartisan group of former presidents has called for a lighthearted reconciliation between political figures and playground sportsmanship. “If we can learn anything from this, it’s that sometimes the greatest victories come in the smallest packages,” declared an anonymous spokesperson for the group. “Perhaps it’s time to host an annual ‘Presidents vs. Kids’ tournament—a reminder that no matter how high you climb, the basics of fair play remain the same.”

A Glimpse into the Future: What’s Next for Checkers Politics?

As the nation digests the implications of Trump’s demand for a recount over a checkers game, many are left wondering what this means for the future of political discourse. Is this merely an isolated incident—a humorous footnote in a career defined by grandiose claims and bold proclamations—or does it represent a deeper trend toward theatrical politics? “We’re witnessing a transformation in how public figures engage with both their supporters and their opponents,” observes Dr. Strategos. “The line between reality and performance is blurring, and even a simple board game can become a stage for political theater.”

For now, the recount investigation continues. Trump’s recount team is reportedly scheduled to meet again at a secret location near a local elementary school, where they plan to reassemble the checkers board piece by piece. “We’re confident that if we look hard enough, we’ll find the evidence of foul play,” stated one team member, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being recruited to referee future playground disputes.

In the meantime, young Timmy Thompson has been declared the unofficial checkers champion of the nation, with his victory celebrated by parents, teachers, and playground enthusiasts alike. “It just goes to show that sometimes, a little bit of hard work and a love for the game can triumph over even the most powerful figures,” Mrs. Thompson said, smiling as she held her son’s trophy—a handcrafted medal that reads, “Checkers Champion, 2023.”

Conclusion: Lessons from the Board and Beyond

The saga of the checkers game has captured the nation’s imagination, serving as a humorous reminder that even those who claim to be the masters of the universe are not immune to the simple, honest rules of a childhood game. Trump’s impassioned demand for a recount—no matter how misguided—has sparked a nationwide conversation about fairness, accountability, and the enduring value of good old-fashioned sportsmanship.

As America ponders the political theater that unfolded on that modest checkers board, one thing is abundantly clear: sometimes, the smallest victories carry the most significant lessons. In the end, whether it’s a presidential recount or a playground rematch, the principles of fairness and fun remain timeless.

In a world where political battles are often fought on the grandest of stages, the checkers board reminds us that victory can be found in unexpected places—and that even an 8-year-old, armed with nothing but a set of checkers and an unyielding determination, can force the hand of history.

As the recount investigation proceeds and the debates rage on, one final truth emerges: in the game of life, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose—and sometimes, you simply learn that the most important thing is to play by the rules, even when the stakes are as low as a board game in a poolside pavilion.

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Disclaimer: This satirical account is a work of pure fiction. Any resemblance to actual events, political figures, or checkers tournaments is entirely coincidental. The recount investigation, the checkers board analysis, and all comments herein are products of a humorous collaboration between a satirical journalist and a playful imagination. No presidents, children, or checkers boards were harmed in the making of this story.

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Auf Wiedersehen!

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BREAKING: Congress Passes Bill Requiring All Politicians to Actually Read Bills Before Voting

A Monumental Leap for Legislative Literacy?

In a move that shocked exactly no one, Congress has passed a historic bill mandating that every elected politician must read the full text of a bill before casting their vote. Yes, you read that right—actual reading, not just the teleprompter scroll on a loop. The measure, dubbed the “Read-a-Lot Act,” promises to revolutionize American lawmaking by ensuring that legislators know what they’re endorsing, or at least can pretend to.

The story begins with an underdog group of frustrated voters and a few semi-literate interns who staged a symbolic protest in the Capitol rotunda. “It’s about time our representatives graduated from the ‘Cliff Notes of Legislation’,” declared local activist and self-proclaimed reading advocate, Marjorie Bookworm. According to an anonymous Congressional aide, “We tried implementing it back in 1999, but someone in the committee accidentally glued the pages together. This time, we’re serious.”

Experts across the political spectrum have chimed in. Dr. Penelope Page-Turner, a renowned literacy researcher, confirmed in a study published by the American Journal of Unread Documents that 87.4% of politicians skim rather than read. “Our research clearly shows that full comprehension of legal documents could actually lead to… well, informed decision-making,” she added with a twinkle in her eye.

An internal poll of Capitol Hill staff revealed that 73% of aides now report being forced to prepare “readable summaries” for their bosses, who claim to have “just glanced” at the bills. Meanwhile, a veteran lawmaker was overheard saying, “I always assumed the ‘fine print’ was just a myth—like honest politics or a balanced breakfast.”

In a twist that only reality could conjure, a documentary filmmaker captured the moment of the bill’s passage. “I was there when they voted ‘aye’ after reading the entire 237-page budget proposal,” said filmmaker Randy “Reader” McScroll, whose raw footage is now the talk of both social media and break rooms nationwide.

But not everyone is celebrating. Critics argue that the measure might slow down the legislative process or, worse, expose politicians to the inconvenience of actual learning. “We fear a spike in unexpected expertise on the floor,” quipped a senior Senate aide, nervously clutching a copy of the latest economic stimulus bill.

Nevertheless, the “Read-a-Lot Act” is now law, and the nation waits with bated breath—or perhaps with more coffee than usual—to see if our elected officials will actually read what they’re signing off on. In the meantime, citizens are encouraged to host “Read-Aloud Parties” and share memes of politicians squinting at legal jargon.

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Supreme Court Rules Freedom of Speech Doesn’t Apply to People Who Won’t Shut Up

When Silence Is the New Free Speech

In an eyebrow-raising decision that has legal scholars gasping and chatty citizens scrambling for cover, the Supreme Court has ruled that freedom of speech is not a right for those who simply won’t shut up. The landmark decision—issued with a side-eye by the justices—declares that incessant, unsolicited commentary can be grounds for censorship, effectively putting a lid on those who abuse the privilege of talking.

Legal experts are divided. Professor Linda Loquacity of the University of Verbal Excess commented, “This ruling is both a relief and a nightmare. It’s a relief for introverts everywhere and a nightmare for anyone who’s ever tried to win an argument on social media.” A recent poll by the National Bureau of Nonstop Chatter revealed that 82% of Americans wish for a “mute button” for at least one noisy relative.

The decision came after a high-profile case involving a notorious talkative citizen—dubbed “The Yapper”—who held uninterrupted public rants on every conceivable topic, from the nutritional value of kale to the proper way to load a dishwasher. Eyewitnesses reported that by the time he finished his 3-hour monologue, dinner had long been forgotten and local pets had begun to file noise complaints.

In an opinion penned by Justice Quietus, the Court stated, “The right to free speech is not a license for ceaseless blathering that disrupts the peace of our public discourse. Sometimes, silence is golden, and in this case, it’s constitutionally required.” In support of the ruling, expert testimonies were presented, including that of Dr. Simon Mute—a renowned sociologist—who cited studies showing that prolonged, unfiltered speech can lead to collective decision fatigue.

Critics argue that the ruling sets a dangerous precedent, one that might limit spirited debate. “What’s next, outlawing bad puns or cheesy political slogans?” asked a dissenting Justice in a tone that echoed the groans of late-night comedians. Yet supporters hail it as a long-overdue intervention in a society drowning in noise.

As the ruling takes effect, public spaces are already adapting. Libraries, cafes, and even sports arenas have installed “Quiet Zones” where loud talkers are politely escorted to a designated “Vent Room.” A viral video of an overenthusiastic sports fan being gently but firmly silenced has already hit 2 million views.

While some citizens celebrate the newfound right to peace and quiet, others worry about the slippery slope of enforced silence. But for now, the Court’s decision stands—a bold reminder that sometimes the most powerful speech is the one you never hear.

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BREAKING: “You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!”

(Spoiler: Still Nothing. But Also Maybe Taxes.)

By Barbie McHonesty, Senior Satirical News Analyst, Bohiney.com

The Lie That Launched a Million Clicks

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a revelation that stunned absolutely no one except a guy named Phil who just woke up from a coma he entered during the Ice Bucket Challenge era, America’s most recycled headline — “You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!” — has officially been classified by researchers as a non-event wrapped in a mystery box full of emotional manipulation.

After a grueling six-second investigation — powered by seven interns, three expired Red Bulls, and one AI that quit mid-click — journalists at Bohiney.com confirmed the worst:

Nothing. Happens. Next.

Unless you count a mildly offensive ad for reverse mortgages and a close-up of a mole that “might be cancer but could also be a baked bean.”

The Evidence No One Asked For

Lead researcher Karen Clickensworth, a former BuzzFeed employee turned whistleblower (and Etsy llama-themed sock magnate), described the betrayal with tears welling in her blue-light-fatigued eyes.

“We clicked on 4,732 articles, including ‘This Grandma’s Last Words Will Haunt You Forever,’ and all we got was an ad for teeth whitener and a reminder that Grandma’s still alive and doing Zumba in Sarasota.”

Among the most revealing findings from their study:

• 84% of “unbelievable stories” begin with a stock image of a woman holding her face like she just saw her credit score.

• 67% lead to a video that auto-plays at 120 decibels.

• 1 in 5 pages use more slide transitions than a high school PowerPoint about Abraham Lincoln.

• 100% resulted in the phrase “Just one more page!” being followed by “Just kidding, we sold your data.”

A Nation Betrayed (Again)

Protests broke out across Silicon Valley this morning, with demonstrators hurling expired clickbait headlines at the Googleplex. The protest group, Citizens for Honest Disappointment, carried signs reading:

• “We Demand the ‘Next’!”

• “Clickbait Ruined My Marriage (Details in Slide 14)”

• “I Waited 45 Minutes to Learn That Gwyneth Paltrow Was Just Tired That Day!”

One traumatized user, 34-year-old Mark Hammilson (no relation to Luke, but arguably more emotionally scarred), recounted:

“The headline said, ‘This Man Ate a Banana Every Day — What Happened Next Will Shock You!’ After 17 pages, the only thing that shocked me was that I still hadn’t pooped. Turns out what happened next was… nothing. He just kept eating bananas. Like a potassium-driven psychopath.”

Big Clickbait: “We Regret Absolutely Nothing”

In a joint statement from several major clickbait syndicates including ZorkFeed, ClickoBuzz, and DefinitelyRealNews.net, executives defended their practices, comparing their misleading titles to…

“The fine print on a gym contract: legally vague, morally optional, and basically impossible to escape.”

They even invoked freedom of expression, claiming the phrase “You won’t believe what happens next!” is protected under the First Amendment, “right next to yelling ‘FIRE!’ in a crowded theater or calling an almond milk latte ‘coffee.’”

Facebook Unveils New Algorithm: Surprise Disappointment

To address growing public mistrust, Facebook has promised greater transparency by developing the “Surprise Disappointment Algorithm”, which will:

1. Promise life-changing revelations.

2. Deliver 22 seconds of loading time.

3. Conclude with the words: “You’ll never guess what happened… because we’re not telling you.”

Beta testing has already led to 3,000 spontaneous phone throws, 11 cracked screens, and one elderly man in Topeka asking Siri to “fight the internet.”

What Actually Happens Next? (Spoiler: Mild Existential Dread)

Media scholars and one very lonely guy with a podcast agree on the likely fallout:

• Absolutely nothing will change. Humanity, as studies show, loves being duped if it means momentary escape from reality.

• Clickbait will evolve. The next generation of headlines may include:

  • “She Blinked Once at a Taco Bell — What She Saw Next Changed Government Policy Forever”

  • “You’ll Cry, Then Laugh, Then Question Democracy”

  • “This One Weird Mole Cured My Depression”

• New Yorkers will continue clicking while standing in line for bagels, unaware that their grandchildren are being named after fonts.

“It’s like emotional whiplash for the soul,” said Dr. Linda Scrollsworth, Professor of Click Studies at DeVry Online College of Media Trauma. “We’ve conditioned people to expect payoff, but all we give them is… ads for colon cleanses.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I clicked that article about the guy who slept with a snake. Turned out the ‘snake’ was just his mother-in-law. Now I need therapy and a divorce lawyer.” — Ron White

“They told me, ‘This baby goat did something you won’t believe.’ It pooped. That’s it. It pooped. I believe it. I’ve pooped. Millions have pooped. That’s not a twist, that’s biology.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“‘You won’t believe what happens next’? How about, ‘You won’t believe you’re still unemployed after clicking 40 of these.’” — Amy Schumer

Helpful Content for Our Loyal Readers

How to Survive the Clickbait Apocalypse:

1. Develop trust issues early. This way, you’ll never believe the next slide is “worth it.”

2. Treat headlines like Tinder bios. If they say “fun, exciting, and adventurous,” assume they mean “confusing, desperate, and full of malware.”

3. Use the 3-Second Rule. If it doesn’t load faster than your microwave popcorn, abort mission.

4. Install the Bohiney Browser Extension. It turns all “You Won’t Believe” headlines into “You’ll Deeply Regret.”

5. Ask yourself: Would Ron White click this? If yes, then close your laptop and go outside.

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Final Verdict: The Click Heard Around the Nothing

As the digital smog clears, and millions come to terms with being emotionally catfished by pixels and punctuation, one fact remains:
You believed something would happen next.
That’s on you.

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UPDATE:

If you’ve read this far, congratulations. You’ve unlocked our exclusive Nothingburger NFT — a .jpeg of an empty plate signed by “Definitely Not Mark Zuckerberg.”

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Disclaimer:

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AIs were harmed in the making of this disappointment.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“I clicked ‘This Grandma’s Last Words Will Leave You Speechless’—turns out her last words were ‘Turn off the Wi-Fi.’”
— Ron White

“Every time I click on ‘You Won’t Believe What This Dog Did,’ I believe it. It’s a dog. It barked. That’s the whole career right there.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“Clickbait titles are like bad Tinder dates. Full of promise, ends with an ad for toe fungus.”
— Amy Schumer

“I clicked on ‘He Took One Sip of Beer and You Won’t Believe What Happened!’ I’ll tell you what happened. He joined my family.”
— Dave Chappelle

“The article said, ‘Doctors Hate Him!’ I clicked. It was a dude who eats nothing but celery and screams at clouds. Yeah. I hate him too.”
— Chris Rock

“‘You’ll Cry When You See What This Baby Goat Did.’ Yeah, I cried. Mostly because I realized I’m 42 and crying over goat videos at 2 a.m.”
— Tina Fey

“They got me with ‘You Won’t Believe This Trick to Lose Belly Fat.’ I believed. Now I’m just hungry and ashamed.”
— Kevin Hart

“I once clicked on ‘This Simple Trick Will Fix Your Marriage.’ It was a pop-up ad for duct tape. Accurate, but still.”
— Sarah Silverman

“Clickbait headlines are like a magician who saws a woman in half… then never puts her back together. Just leaves you hanging.”
— Stephen Colbert

“I clicked on ‘This Man Found Something Shocking in His Backyard.’ It was a rock. He found a rock. And I lost 11 minutes of my life.”
— Hasan Minhaj

“They said ‘This Trick Can Save You Hundreds!’ I clicked. It told me to stop clicking clickbait. I guess that’s fair.”
— Ali Wong

“Clickbait is the only place where ‘This One Weird Trick’ always ends in a virus and a weird Amazon recommendation.”
— John Mulaney

The post You Won’t Believe What Happens Next! appeared first on Bohiney News.

Gavin Newsom Empties California Mental Institutions for “Destroy Tesla Tuesday”

An Exclusive Report from Bohiney’s Only Reporter to Wear a Straightjacket Voluntarily

California Declares Open Season on Teslas

SACRAMENTO – In a move that defies logic, gravity, and several laws of physics, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a surprise executive order authorizing the “ceremonial liberation” of over 3,000 patients from the state’s remaining mental institutions. Their mission? To wage war on electric cars in an event called Destroy Tesla Tuesday, a new tradition the Governor described as “equal parts therapy, performance art, and regenerative policy.”

Newsom made the announcement via a TikTok filmed inside a Tesla dealership, standing atop a smashed Model X while freestyle rapping over Enya. Witnesses say he was wearing war paint made from beet juice and the emotional residue of a failed Senate run.

“We’re not rioting,” Newsom declared. “We’re recalibrating society’s relationship with torque.”

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A Carefully Orchestrated Breakdown

Within hours of the executive order, psychiatric hospitals across the state began releasing patients with complimentary helmets labeled “I Am the Grid”, emotional support crowbars, and laminated maps of Tesla Supercharger stations marked with red Xs.

Patients—now legally designated as “decarbonization agents”—were instructed to express themselves “through targeted kinetic empathy.”

State officials insisted the release was “therapeutic,” noting that many participants had shown marked improvement after just one cathartic windshield smash. Several were overheard shouting phrases like “Death to Elon!” and “Tell your AI to respect my pronouns!”

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Mental Health Meets Traffic Revenge

In San Francisco, protesters overwhelmed Tesla’s flagship showroom. A crowd formed a silent circle around a red Model 3 and began humming aggressively. Then, with eerie coordination, they launched into an interpretive dance titled “Ludicrous Mode of Despair.”

The dance ended with a man dressed as Greta Thunberg tackling the hood and screaming, “I am the future, and I reject this Bluetooth coffin!”

Outside, protestors placed parking tickets on stationary Teslas that read, “Crime: Emotional Neglect.”

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Police Asked to “Stand Down and Center Themselves”

Internal memos from Newsom’s office revealed that law enforcement agencies were told not to interfere with the protests, but instead to “bear witness and validate the catharsis.”

Officers in Sacramento attempted to deescalate a mob using phrases like:

• “I hear your frustration.”

• “Would you like to discuss this over a turmeric latte?”

• “Have you considered journaling instead of looting?”

Unfortunately, one officer’s attempt at group meditation backfired when he was pelting with affirmations written on artisanal bricks.

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Elon Musk’s Orbital Nervous Breakdown

From his glass dome compound in Austin, Elon Musk responded on X, the app formerly known as whatever it was five minutes ago, with the post:

“This is an overreaction. They could’ve just unsubscribed from my vibe.”

He then retweeted a meme of a Cybertruck running over Karl Marx and issued a statement claiming Tesla would now “lean harder into consumer autonomy by installing counter-riot mode.”

Later that evening, Musk was seen walking barefoot through a SpaceX warehouse, softly whispering, “Why does no one understand me?” to a pile of unused ventilators.

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A Riot So Precise, It Had to Be Funded by Goop

Although billed as a grassroots movement, the destruction was oddly surgical. Protestors targeted LiDAR sensors, autopilot modules, and data ports with the kind of precision only seen in surgical rooms and espresso bars with 3D-printed stirrers.

Witnesses reported seeing former behavioral patients with no known tech training override Tesla’s internal logs using only a typewriter, two pigeons, and an NPR tote bag.

One woman was overheard yelling, “If your car is smarter than you, that’s a form of oppression!” before gently pouring oat milk over a Supercharger cable.

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Showrooms Transformed into Wellness Spaces

Several Tesla dealerships were overtaken and repurposed by protestors. In Santa Monica, a Model Y was filled with lavender-scented sand and turned into a grounding station called “The Mindful Motorist.”

At another location in Oakland, a Cybertruck was turned on its side and spray-painted with the words “Resist the Algorithm. Hug Your Inner Horse.”

Pop-up therapy sessions were offered to traumatized Teslas by former Reiki practitioners, who attempted to realign the chakras of vehicles suffering from emotional misalignment and “range anxiety.”

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Republican Governors Respond With Fossil Fuel Patriotism

Across state lines, red state governors erupted in coordinated, pearl-clutching horror.

Florida’s Ron DeSantis called it “proof that solar panels turn people into communists.”
Texas Governor Greg Abbott declared Tesla “an endangered species” and offered refuge to any Cybertrucks fleeing blue-state persecution.
Even Donald Trump chimed in from his Mar-a-Lago shower with, “I’ve always said it: Teslas are gay. That’s not a problem, I just think the bumpers are too smooth.”

Fox News declared it a “woke apocalypse,” while CNN held a panel titled, “Was this performance art or just Tuesday in California?”

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Market Reactions and Nervous Investors

Tesla stock plummeted briefly before rebounding after Musk announced he would release an “emotionally resilient model” with upgraded trauma software.

The Model E (Emotion) promises to:

• Validate your feelings before acceleration

• Cry if you ghost it on Bumble

• Refuse to start if it senses you’re being fake

Goldman Sachs issued a warning that read, “We are concerned Tesla has become the epicenter of America’s collective nervous breakdown—but we’re still buying.”

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Mental Health Advocates Applaud the Experiment

Surprisingly, some therapists defended the spectacle.

Dr. Willow Caraway of the Institute for Psychic Nutrition called the event “a rare opportunity to harmonize cognitive dissonance through material sabotage.”

She argued that smashing a Tesla helps the psyche express what the ego represses—mainly resentment toward Elon Musk’s Twitter addiction and the fact that “self-driving” really means “run into a mailbox in the rain.”

A patient formerly diagnosed with mania told reporters, “I feel seen. And also, the Model X I just flipped with a shovel? That thing needed to be humbled.”

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Even the Protestors Were Confused

While many protestors embraced the chaos, others expressed existential dread.

One man screamed, “I thought this was an anti-capitalist drum circle, not Grand Theft Auto: Yoga Edition!” before joining a group chanting “Our trauma is renewable!”

A woman wearing an infinity scarf made of kale sobbed into the wheel of a Model S and whispered, “I don’t even have a license.”

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Google Buses Become State Housing

With the sudden influx of released patients now facing displacement again, Newsom repurposed abandoned Google shuttle buses as mobile safe spaces.

Each bus featured:

• A mounted diffuser blasting lavender over old Wi-Fi routers

• Therapy goats

• A screen that only plays Greta Thunberg documentaries and early Pixar shorts

When asked about logistics, the Governor said, “It’s not homelessness if the bus is self-aware.”

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Newsom Nominated for a Grammy

The Governor’s surprise TikTok freestyle, “Kill the Car, Find the Self,” went viral, racking up 83 million views and landing him a Grammy nomination for Best Spoken Word Album.

The track list includes:

1. Autopilot is a Lie

2. My Uber Tried to Gaslight Me

3. Ecofascism with a Side of Ranch

He now leads a movement to make protest an official therapy modality called “traumactivism.”

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Tesla Owners Form Support Group: Shocked & Plugged

Displaced Tesla owners gathered in yoga studios, dog parks, and rooftop kombucha bars to process the devastation. They formed a group called Shocked & Plugged, which aims to create a safe space for grieving their violated vehicles and fantasizing about converting back to gas.

One tech bro tearfully clutched his steering wheel and murmured, “It just wanted to park itself.”

Another tried to trade his Model 3 for a horse named “Validation.”

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“Burning Uber” Planned for Next Week

Newsom has announced plans for a follow-up initiative: Burning Uber, an experiential protest against gig economy trauma. Participants will construct ride-share effigies from old iPhones and take turns demanding five-star ratings from strangers in therapy robes.

When asked if this movement might spiral out of control, the Governor replied, “California is not a state. It’s an emotional arc.”

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Helpful Content for Readers: How to Reimagine Policy as Catharsis

If you too are a policymaker looking to unleash chaos in the name of progress, here’s some practical advice:

• Replace legislation with vibes.

• Staff your administration with people who start every sentence with “As an empath…”

• Redefine destruction as healing, and healing as interpretive sabotage.

• Always have a goat on standby. Just in case.

Because when society stops working, you don’t fix it—you host a drum circle and hope for rain.

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Funny Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed, though several Teslas are currently undergoing therapy. Everything in here is satire, which is California’s most renewable energy.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“Newsom freed the mentally ill to smash Teslas. Finally, someone who understands California zoning laws.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“I don’t trust any car that’s smarter than me and still can’t parallel park without a panic attack.”
— Ron White

“Elon Musk called the riot ‘performance art.’ Bro, if getting your car stomped counts as art, then my ex is Jackson Pollock with a tire iron.”
— Amy Schumer

“Only in California can you get prescribed lithium one week and smash lithium batteries the next.”
— Chris Rock

“Destroy Tesla Tuesday? That used to be called family court.”
— Larry David

“I tried hugging a Tesla once. It locked the doors and filed a restraining order.”
— Sarah Silverman

“Newsom says this was healing? When I tried smashing a Tesla, I got banned from the Whole Foods parking lot for a week!”
— Roseanne Barr

“A Cybertruck got flipped over by a guy in a bathrobe with a dream catcher. I haven’t seen symbolism that raw since Burning Man.”
— Billy Crystal

“You know it’s bad when a guy with no pants, a kazoo, and a therapy goat has a better climate policy than Congress.”
— Jackie Mason

“Elon should’ve seen this coming. The warning was literally on the dash in Latin: In lithium, veritas.”
— Jon Stewart

The post Gavin Newsom Empties California Mental Institutions appeared first on Bohiney News.

EXCLUSIVE: The Wall Street Journal Interviews Hawk Tuah Girl

“I Hawk’d, I Tuah’d, and America Invested in My Throat Coin”

By the WSJ’s Least Appropriate Correspondent

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Setting:
A corner booth in a Hooters off I-65 in Nashville.
Ambience:
Smells like Axe body spray and SEC subpoenas.
Interviewee:
Haliey Welch, a.k.a. Hawk Tuah Girl — viral sensation, cultural prophet, and part-time crypto empress.
Interviewed By:
Randall B. Geltman, WSJ Senior Reporter for Moral Panic and Financial Erection Trends.

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WSJ: Miss Welch, thank you for sitting down with us. You’ve been silent since the SEC began investigating your crypto coin, $TUAAH. Why break your silence now?

Haliey Welch:
“’Cause baby, silence don’t pay no bills. And neither does crypto, apparently.”

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WSJ: A lot of people called your coin a pump and dump. Thoughts?

Haliey:
“If I’m guilty of pumpin’ and dumpin’, it was on Brad from Knoxville, not Ethereum.”

---

WSJ: Were you aware that federal law prohibits unregistered securities offerings?

Haliey:
“I thought ‘unregistered securities’ was a euphemism for my boobs. My bad.”

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WSJ: There’s speculation you used your sexual appeal to influence novice investors.

Haliey:
“I only invest in assets with high liquidity… just like me on a Saturday night.”

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WSJ: What did you say when the SEC first contacted you?

Haliey:
“I told the SEC I only spit on coins if they ask nicely.”

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WSJ: How did you come to understand blockchain technology?

Haliey:
“I didn’t understand crypto until a guy explained it using his tongue and a beer bottle.”

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WSJ: Is it true you gave trading advice during, uh… intimate moments?

Haliey:
“It wasn’t insider trading—I just happen to scream financial advice during orgasms. ‘BUY DOGECOIN!’”

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WSJ: Do you see yourself as a financial influencer?

Haliey:
“I don’t mind a bear market, as long as the bear’s shirtless.”

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WSJ: What about claims you manipulated the market?

Haliey:
“That crypto coin wasn’t a scam—he told me it was going to ‘explode’ all over the market. Spoiler alert: it did. Just not economically.”

---

WSJ: You’ve been accused of appealing to male investors with sexual undertones.

Haliey:
“I’m the only girl who’s made more men invest with a spit sound than Warren Buffett.”

---

WSJ: What do you say to the people who claim your coin was a Ponzi scheme?

Haliey:
“The only Ponzi I know is this guy who made me bark like a dog in an Applebee’s parking lot.”

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WSJ: Your followers claim they received little return on investment.

Haliey:
“He said he’d give me 3% returns if I gave him 3% of this booty. Now I’m yielding dividends and restraining orders.”

---

WSJ: Could you explain staking and yield farming?

Haliey:
“I’d explain it, but baby, I only farm one thing, and it ain’t corn.”

---

WSJ: The market says you got rug-pulled. Is that true?

Haliey:
“I got rug-pulled so hard, I needed a chiropractor and a lawyer.”

---

WSJ: What’s your take on decentralized finance?

Haliey:
“Y’all call it ‘DeFi.’ I call it ‘OnlyFans for economists.’”

---

WSJ: Some say you’re not qualified to lead a financial movement.

Haliey:
“My investment strategy is simple: if he’s hot and holds Bitcoin, I’ll let him hold something else too.”

---

WSJ: Final ruling from the SEC?

Haliey:
“SEC cleared me ‘cause I made the whole panel blush and say, ‘Bless your heart.’”

---

WSJ: Will you be launching any new projects?

Haliey:
“I’m thinking of a new coin backed by real assets—like booty pics, moonshine futures, and emotional damage.”

---

WSJ: Any final thoughts for our readers?

Haliey:
“I hawk’d, I tuah’d, and now I got a summer home in Miami and a cease-and-desist letter framed above my bed.”

---

Editor’s Note:
Haliey Welch’s crypto venture has since been de-listed, re-listed, memed, and tattooed on at least one guy’s lower back in Myrtle Beach. The SEC has formally declared her “too hot to prosecute,” and the Federal Reserve is considering adding her to the next stimulus package.

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ANALYSIS: The Rise of Hawk Tuah Economics — How Haliey Welch Turned Saliva into Securities

By Randall B. Geltman, WSJ (Satirical Analysis Division)

Haliey Welch, better known as the “Hawk Tuah Girl,” recently broke her silence in an exclusive Wall Street Journal interview—confirming that America is still deeply confused about what counts as a financial instrument. Welch, whose claim to viral fame involved a vivid (and frankly physics-defying) explanation of what women do to keep men interested, has since catapulted from meme to mogul, launching a short-lived crypto coin and a long-term cultural identity.

Her cryptocurrency, $TUAH, was at one point valued higher than the GDP of a small Missouri town, fueled entirely by meme traction and red-blooded male investors who couldn’t tell a blockchain from a Slipknot album. Welch’s quote, “I only invest in assets with high liquidity—just like me on a Saturday night,” offers both a self-aware punchline and a deeper insight into how digital charisma has become its own speculative currency.

Evidence of Market Influence
A 2024 study by the Stanford Center for Meme Finance (a real-ish group of disillusioned MBAs) found that over 40% of retail investors aged 18–29 had, at some point, made a trade based on a meme, viral video, or woman in a tank top. Welch’s $TUAH coin surged after her viral moment, reaching a market cap of $13 million before collapsing under what experts described as “gravity and common sense.”

Despite the SEC’s probe into possible unregistered securities, no formal charges were brought against Welch. The reason, according to leaked internal memos: “She was too charming, and honestly, we didn’t understand half of it.”

Digital Thirst Meets Financial Thirst
Welch’s humor-laced investment advice—“If he’s hot and holds Bitcoin, I’ll let him hold something else too”—mimics a broader trend in the fintech space: a blending of sexuality, humor, and speculation. Platforms like TikTok, Reddit, and OnlyFans have all become hubs for unqualified-but-fascinating financial gurus. Welch is simply the most shamelessly successful of the bunch.

Conclusion
While the Federal Reserve may not include her quotes in official policy briefings anytime soon, Haliey Welch has opened a new chapter in meme economics. Her impact isn’t in the coin itself, but in the mirror she holds up to a culture that confuses charisma for competence—and prefers it that way.

As one Redditor put it: “I lost $900 on $TUAH, but I’d do it again if she spit on the whitepaper.”

Wall Street has spoken. And it said: Hawk. Tuah.

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15 Things Hawk Tuah Girl Said After Her SEC-Investigated Crypto Coin Collapsed Like a Wet Bikini Strap

1. “I only invest in assets with high liquidity… just like me on a Saturday night.”
   — Financial markets call it volatility. She calls it a bachelorette party in Nashville.

2. “I told the SEC I only spit on coins if they ask nicely.”
   — Turns out the real securities violation was how seductive her balance sheet looked.

3. “I didn’t understand crypto until a guy explained it using his tongue and a beer bottle.”
   — Experts call this blockchain-based foreplay.

4. “It wasn’t insider trading—I just happen to scream financial advice during orgasms.”
   — “BUY DOGECOIN!” she moaned. “SELL ETHEREUM!” she climaxed.

5. “I don’t mind a bear market, as long as the bear’s shirtless.”
   — The Wall Street Journal labeled her portfolio “thirst-driven.”

6. “I never meant to seduce America—I just hawk’d, tuah’d, and America came.”
   — Liberty wept. The Statue of it cracked her tablet.

7. “That crypto coin wasn’t a scam—he told me it was going to ‘explode’ all over the market.”
   — Spoiler: only thing that exploded was her DMs.

8. “I’m the only girl who’s made more men invest with a spit sound than Warren Buffett.”
   — CNBC is reportedly launching a new segment: “Cum-odities & Cock Markets.”

9. “The only Ponzi I know is this guy who made me bark like a dog in an Applebee’s parking lot.”
   — SEC subpoenaed his Snapchats.

10. “He said he’d give me 3% returns if I gave him 3% of this booty.”
    — Now she’s yielding dividends and restraining orders.

11. “I’d explain staking and yield farming, but baby, I only farm one thing, and it ain’t corn.”
    — Organic, grass-fed attention.

12. “I got rug-pulled so hard, I needed a chiropractor and a lawyer.”
    — Legal name of the coin? $WETASSET.

13. “Y’all call it ‘decentralized finance.’ I call it ‘onlyfans for economists.’”
    — Her whitepaper includes moaning in Comic Sans.

14. “My investment strategy is simple: if he’s hot and holds Bitcoin, I’ll let him hold something else too.”
    — The Fed is considering regulation.

15. “SEC cleared me because I made the whole panel blush and say, ‘Bless your heart.’”
    — Chairman’s final ruling: “Guilty of being too damn fine.”

---

If you’d like, next up we can build a full satirical exposé titled “Hawk Tuah Girl Clears Her Throat, Clears Her Name, and Clears Out Your Bank Account” with fake charts, dumb economist quotes, parody tweets, and testimony from confused men who still think crypto is short for “crypt-hoe.”

Auf Wiedersehen for now—or as she put it:
“I hawk’d, I tuah’d, and y’all still invested.”

The post WSJ Interviews Hawk TuahGirl appeared first on Bohiney News.

Too Big to Die: The Legal Battle Over Waistlines and Justice

Florida, the state where logic retires early and irony runs for governor, is once again making headlines—this time, for a legal defense that could only be concocted in a land where the death penalty and deep-fried butter coexist peacefully. Death row inmate Michael Tanzi, a man whose BMI now qualifies him for his own zip code, is pleading for leniency on the grounds that he is “morbidly obese” and “too unhealthy to be executed.”

Tanzi, who was convicted in 2000 for kidnapping and murdering a woman, is not arguing his innocence. No, his defense hinges on a more uniquely American principle: his arteries have already done most of the killing. According to his legal team, the state’s lethal injection protocols do not account for the biomedical Rubik’s Cube that is Tanzi’s body. They claim executing him would violate the Eighth Amendment, which prohibits “cruel and unusual punishment.”

“In Florida, your cholesterol can now get you a stay of execution. Meanwhile in California, tofu is a hate crime.” — Ron White

If this sounds like the plot of a Coen Brothers movie co-written with a Cracker Barrel menu, that’s because it practically is.

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The Eighth Amendment and the Twelfth Helping

“The Founders clearly didn’t intend for men of this girth to face the needle,” says Professor Calvin McFry, a constitutional law expert and competitive chili judge. “They wrote the Bill of Rights after a light supper of squirrel meat and boiled turnips. They couldn’t imagine a scenario where someone could gain 350 pounds without a crown and a divine right.”

In court filings, Tanzi’s lawyers cite not only his morbid obesity, but also severe chronic sciatica, hyperlipidemia, uncontrolled hypertension, and acid reflux—a list that reads more like the side effects from a Denny’s Grand Slam than a legal brief.

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Expert Opinion: “You Can’t Kill What’s Already Dying”

Dr. Lester P. Gristle, a prison physician and amateur corn dog sculptor, told reporters, “Look, I’m not saying the man’s health is perfect. I’m saying the Grim Reaper’s been double-parked outside his cell for a decade and a half. He’s not ‘Too Big to Die.’ He’s ‘Already Dying, Just Slowly.’”

Florida’s Attorney General responded to the appeal with a simple, resounding “no,” calling the concerns “meritless,” while silently resisting the urge to add, “And possibly butter-laced.”

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American Justice: Now With More Bacon

The implications are staggering. If Tanzi succeeds, America may enter an era where felony trials come with diet plans. “This case sets a dangerous precedent,” said Florida Corrections Spokesman Randy Slabbeaux, while unwrapping a breakfast chimichanga. “Pretty soon, we’ll have inmates intentionally trying to gain 300 pounds to avoid execution. We’re gonna have to install stairmasters in solitary.”

According to a 2025 Gallup Poll, 58% of Americans believe death row inmates should be allowed to gain as much weight as possible in order to delay execution, while 42% believe they should at least share the fries.

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Death Row, Rebranded as Food Court

Warden testimonials reveal a disturbing trend: Tanzi has allegedly weaponized the prison menu. A former cellmate claims, “He once ate a Salisbury steak so big it had its own parole hearing.”

Inmates are reportedly forming a “Chubstitution Strategy,” a hunger strike in reverse: they eat nonstop in hopes of building up the kind of complex medical conditions that turn executions into legal tangles.

Even the correctional kitchen staff is beginning to revolt. “We signed up to make slop, not foie gras,” grumbled Head Cook Marla “Spatula” Jenkins. “Now they want gluten-free, hypertension-friendly pudding cups? What are we, Whole Foods Death Row?”

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Helpful Satirical Content for Bohiney Readers

• How to Delay Your Trial Execution: Step one—replace your lawyer with a cardiologist. Step two—embrace a diet that would make Paula Deen blush.

• DIY Legal Excuses: Morbid obesity? Check. Chronic gout? Sure. Fear of needles? Golden.

• Florida Law School Flashcards: Eighth Amendment, butter clause, ketchup-as-a-rights-issue, and “Stand Your Fry” laws.

• Criminal Justice Workout Plan: 30 minutes of regret, 15 reps of appeals, and 1 cheat day per appeal denial.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“It’s not that he’s too big to die. It’s that he’s too wide for the gurney.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“When death row becomes a Weight Watchers commercial, America needs to check its pulse.” — Chris Rock

“I’m not saying he’s fat, but when they tried to inject him, the needle filed a grievance.” — Amy Schumer

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Public Reactions: Sympathy or Second Servings?

Tina Wilkins, a woman from Pensacola, commented on Facebook, *“If he can’t be executed, maybe he can compete on My 600-lb Life: Death Row Edition.”

Others were more sympathetic, like Doug Bimmer, a Palm Beach vegan and amateur paddleboarder: “This is about compassion. The man is suffering. Also, the sodium content in prison food is outrageous.”

Meanwhile, a Change.org petition titled “Let Him Eat Cake, But Not Die” is gathering signatures at a suspiciously fast pace, possibly because it’s being promoted by DoorDash.

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Final Thoughts: Justice, Widened

Legal analysts agree this case is less about constitutional law and more about America’s tangled love affair with justice, food, and spectacle. If Tanzi’s appeal works, we may be headed toward a dystopia where Twinkies are considered bulletproof vests, and weight gain is both strategy and shield.

But as Florida’s governor reportedly muttered while chewing a Slim Jim behind the Capitol, “If this fella eats himself out of the death penalty, we’re gonna need to rewrite the whole justice system… and the menu.”

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Funny Disclaimer

This story is the product of a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No artificial intelligence was fed or harmed in the making of this article, though several donuts were sacrificed in the research process.

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15 Humorous Observations: “Too Big to Die”

1. Cruel and Unusual Exercise The real cruelty isn’t lethal injection, it’s making a 400-pound man walk down the hall to the execution room. The Eighth Amendment clearly prohibits cardio.

2. Capital Punishment or Capital Buffet? When your last meal turns into a three-day event catered by Golden Corral, it might complicate more than just the execution. Medical experts and chefs alike agree: “You can’t kill him—he’s still eating!”

3. The Constitution and Calorie Counting Founding fathers couldn’t foresee supersized fries or supersized convicts. Historians now believe Thomas Jefferson would’ve included the right to gastric bypass surgery in the Bill of Rights.

4. Obesity: The Ultimate Death Row Hack “Forget Shawshank—now all you need to do to escape execution is gain 300 pounds,” commented inmate life coach Slim Jim, who runs a motivational TikTok from solitary confinement.

5. Lethal Injection vs. Lethal Indigestion Injecting potassium chloride or barbecue sauce directly into veins might produce similar results. One prison doctor noted, “Both options cause severe reflux.”

6. Hyperlipidemia as a Defense Lawyers everywhere take note: high cholesterol is now a mitigating circumstance. “My client isn’t guilty—his LDL cholesterol made him do it!”

7. Sciatica: The New Stay of Execution Death penalty opponents are lobbying to replace electric chairs with ergonomic massage chairs. “It’s humane and relaxing,” claimed one activist, adjusting his lumbar pillow.

8. The Slippery Slope of Fast Food Justice First obesity delays executions, next diabetics get off on good behavior. “It’s an outrage,” said Judge Ronald McDonald. “Our courts can’t handle that much irony—or irony deficiency.”

9. Public Opinion: Sympathy or Appetite? A recent poll revealed 58% of Americans believe inmates too big to execute should serve their sentence at an all-you-can-eat prison buffet. The other 42% asked if they could join them.

10. Gastroesophageal Reflux and Justice In a landmark medical-legal analysis, Dr. Bernie Tums wrote, “If we execute this man, acid reflux medications could lose billions. Think of the antacids!”

11. False Dilemma: Diet or Die It Florida prosecutors insist, “If you’re healthy enough to commit a murder, you’re healthy enough to take an injection.” Nutritionists counter, “Kale smoothies, not capital punishment.”

12. Bandwagon Fallacy in Prison Meals Everyone’s jumping on the obesity-defense bandwagon. Prison cafeteria workers are now suspected of conspiring to save inmates by offering endless mac ‘n cheese.

13. Death by Obesity vs. Death by Injection Statistically speaking, Tanzi might die sooner from a cheeseburger overdose than state-administered lethal injection. “We’re racing the clock against KFC,” said the warden grimly.

14. Expert Witness or Expert Witnessing? Dr. Ronald H. Burgers, MD (Master Dietician), testified, “Frankly, I’m surprised Mr. Tanzi survived prison food long enough to face execution.”

15. Prison Reform: From Electric Chairs to StairMasters Human rights groups propose a revolutionary prison reform: forced cardio. “It might be cruel, but it’s definitely usual.”

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Disclaimer

This entirely human-produced article is the collaborative effort of two fully sentient beings—a cowboy who thinks salad is just a cheeseburger topping, and a farmer who firmly believes obesity is nature’s way of saying, “Maybe tomorrow.”

The post Too Big to Die appeared first on Bohiney News.

Wichita Falls Ranks #2 in Cheap Living—Residents Demand Recount, Hoping for First

Why settle for ‘affordable’ when you can live in the discount aisle of America’s soul?

WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — Residents of Wichita Falls woke up Friday morning with a chip on their collective shoulder—and not the good kind you dip in off-brand ranch dressing. The Times Record News reported that the city had been named the second cheapest place to live in America.

Second.

The news was received with collective outrage, at least by local standards. One man reportedly muttered, “Bull,” before returning to his lawn chair positioned in the bed of a rusted 1993 Ford Ranger. Several others said nothing at all, which in Wichita Falls is considered full-blown protest.

“I visited once. Their idea of fine dining was a gas station burrito served on a hubcap.” — Ron White

“If we’re not number one in being bottom-shelf, then what the hell are we doing here?” said local resident Hank “Snuffy” Burnell, while using a pool noodle to patch the radiator of his third-hand Chrysler PT Cruiser. “I’ve lived on expired ramen, slept on a futon made of burlap, and married two women I met in Dollar Tree. You telling me that ain’t commitment?”

Indeed, what Wichita Falls lacks in amenities, it makes up for in attitude—specifically, the kind that smells faintly of motor oil, menthols, and domestic light beer.

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“Cheap Living” Is Not an Insult. It’s a Brand.

For outsiders, the word “cheap” might evoke images of crumbling infrastructure, suspicious meat products, and local talent shows involving harmonicas and moonshine-fueled storytelling. But for Wichita Falls, “cheap” isn’t a problem—it’s a promise.

“Look, people in Austin spend $14 on toast. I spend $14 on groceries, alimony, and gas—and I still have enough left over to buy a scratch-off that’ll break my heart,” said Tammie “Taco” Gonzalez, a cashier-philosopher at the city’s 47th convenience store.

A recent fake study from the University of North Central Mid-Panhandle Agrarian Futurism Department found that 89% of Wichita Falls residents would rather have something “affordable and terrible” than “fancy and functional.” The remaining 11% didn’t respond because their flip phones died mid-survey.

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Cheap Cars, Even Cheaper Car Alarms

In Wichita Falls, the average car isn’t measured by miles per gallon—it’s measured by how many of its windows still roll down. While most cities fear the sound of a car backfiring, in Wichita Falls it’s how neighbors say hello.

“You can’t even steal a car around here,” said Officer Darnell Bridges. “Most folks just leave the keys in. And if you do take it, there’s a decent chance it’ll break down two blocks later. It’s not grand theft auto—it’s involuntary community service.”

Locals lovingly refer to their vehicles as “heirlooms,” “beasts,” or “hope traps.” One man, identified only as “Shane with the Bronco,” has kept his car running since 1987 using only wire hangers, chewing gum, and blind optimism.

“I don’t need a Tesla,” Shane said, while throwing gravel into the passenger-side footwell for ‘traction.’ “I got a cassette deck that plays only ZZ Top and a horn that sounds like a goose dying. That’s real American engineering.”

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Romance, Wichita-Style: Cheap Women, Expensive Mistakes

The dating scene in Wichita Falls is exactly what you’d expect in a town where Applebee’s is considered “exotic” and a texted “u up?” qualifies as foreplay.

A new dating app exclusive to the region—called Plenty o’ Fishin’ Poles—matches users based on how many Coors Lights they can drink before insulting their cousin.

“Cheap women? That’s reductive,” said local life coach and mobile notary Krystal “with a K.” “We’re not cheap—we’re economically nimble. I got married in a Sonic drive-thru, divorced in a Tractor Supply parking lot, and I’d do it again.”

The town’s most romantic spot is widely considered to be the abandoned Red Lobster off Kemp Boulevard, which now serves as a community center, vape shop, and moonlit engagement venue.

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Whiskey with a Bite—And Possibly Rabies

The local liquor store has an entire shelf dedicated to bottles that cost under $4. These include crowd favorites like “Old Panther,” “Texas Creek Swill,” and a new corn-based spirit simply labeled “Brown.”

“These whiskeys’ll put hair on your chest and then burn it off,” said Clint “Toothless” Jarvis, the unofficial town sommelier. “We got one that’s been banned in three counties and still won a ribbon at the county fair.”

Fake research from the Whiskey Appreciation Guild of Lower Texas (WAGLT) suggests that Wichita Falls leads the nation in “bourbon-adjacent beverages per capita.”

The most popular mixer? Tap water, followed closely by tears and Waffle House syrup.

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Fashionably Unacceptable

In a town where Goodwill is high fashion, Wichita Falls has given up on trends and doubled down on nostalgia. Tracksuits from 1992, camo cargo shorts, and oversized Looney Tunes shirts are not ironic here—they’re heirlooms.

“I got this denim vest at a garage sale in 2003 and haven’t taken it off since,” said Freda “Chainsaw” Culpepper, a 4’11” bartender known for her mullet and strong opinions about Bruce Springsteen. “It’s weathered, like my trust in men.”

Wichita Falls Fashion Week is just a guy named Dale walking through the mall in jorts and a bandana, being silently judged by no one.

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Education, but Make It Flexible

The local school district recently unveiled a new STEM program: Shadetree Mechanics and Livestock CPR. Students can now earn college credit by successfully repairing a carburetor using nothing but duct tape, prayers, and a YouTube video narrated by someone named “Big Randy.”

Meanwhile, the city’s only private school is funded entirely by a bingo hall and teaches Latin, pig breeding, and how to spot expired meat at a discount grocer.

“If you can’t read Dostoyevsky while riding a four-wheeler, you don’t belong in our valedictorian circle,” said Principal Terry Lou, who also runs a bait shop.

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Local Entertainment: Hold My Beer

Who needs Netflix when you’ve got amateur rodeo clowns, demolition derbies, and the occasional Taco Bell fistfight?

The Wichita Falls Community Theater recently staged an all-puppet adaptation of Dallas Buyers Club, and attendance was surprisingly robust. Meanwhile, the town’s escape room consists of trying to exit the DMV with all your teeth.

“Our idea of ‘live music’ is just someone’s uncle with a harmonica and a Bluetooth speaker,” said Jenna Lou, a bartender who moonlights as a karaoke judge and part-time bail bondsman. “It’s raw. It’s pure. It’s mostly off-key.”

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Housing So Cheap, It’s Practically Conceptual

A Wichita Falls resident can afford a two-bedroom home with only two part-time jobs and one missing roof shingle. The average home includes:

• At least one velvet painting of Elvis

• Carpet that predates the Clinton administration

• A smoke detector that chirps “Y’all good?”

“I pay $370 a month,” said handyman Reggie B., while spraying Axe body spray on his curtains. “Sure, my kitchen’s in the bathroom, and the toilet whistles when it rains. But that’s character, man. That’s ambiance.”

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Expert Analysis: The Sociology of Settling

According to fake sociologist Dr. Lenora “Birdy” Flagg, Wichita Falls is proof that Americans are redefining happiness through “radical mediocrity.”

“These people are not depressed,” Flagg insists. “They’re just allergic to high expectations. In a world where everything’s overpriced and optimized, Wichita Falls reminds us you can survive—and even thrive—with rust, grit, and off-brand ketchup.”

Flagg’s new book, Zen and the Art of Lawn Chair Maintenance, is now required reading at three community colleges and one pawn shop.

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Public Infrastructure: Come For the Potholes, Stay For the Patchwork

Wichita Falls’ roads are more memory than pavement. In a recent citizen survey, residents listed their biggest commuting fear as “falling into the past through a pothole so deep it rewinds your life.”

City Hall responded by releasing a map of “Preferred Detours,” which is just a series of arrows pointing to Oklahoma.

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Helpful Tips for Readers Who Want to Live Like It’s Wichita Falls Everywhere

1. Replace your furniture with cinder blocks and ambition.

2. Only buy name brands when the letters are slightly misspelled.

3. Date people who list “owns a crock pot” as a personality trait.

4. Whiskey should taste like remorse and lawnmower fumes.

5. Turn your garage into a gym, bar, or political headquarters.

6. Fix your car with zip ties and prayer.

7. Call it “rustic” instead of “unpainted.”

8. Celebrate birthdays with gas station cupcakes.

9. Use your neighbor’s Wi-Fi but call it “community sharing.”

10. Practice radical self-reliance, even if you only have half a toolbox.

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What the Funny People are Saying

“If Wichita Falls gets any cheaper, they’ll start charging you for not living there.” — Chris Rock

“I don’t know what they’re putting in the whiskey down there, but it made me believe in Bigfoot and marry my cousin.” — Dave Chappelle

“Their high school mascot is literally a shopping cart with three wheels and a dream.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I asked someone where I could find good weed. They pointed me to a chili cookoff.” — Tina Fey

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The Final Kicker

In a town that proudly ranks just above rock bottom, Wichita Falls residents aren’t looking for pity. They’re looking for ice in their whiskey and a friend who won’t steal their jumper cables.

As America continues to spiral into a hyper-capitalist void of overpriced smoothies and $300 yoga mats, Wichita Falls stands defiant—clinging to its rusted lawnmower, its budget romance, and its $3 whiskey with the confidence of a man who once fixed his roof using only a trash bag and a Christmas miracle.

Because here, mediocrity isn’t failure.

It’s home.

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Disclaimer:
This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer.

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15 observations about Wichita Falls’ proud embrace of poor quality goods

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1. Automotive Adventures
In Wichita Falls, a car isn’t “old”—it’s “heritage.”
Most vehicles here look like they were assembled by raccoons in a junkyard during a lightning storm. But locals aren’t complaining. They take pride in their four-cylinder jalopies that run on spite and transmission fluid.
“This here’s a 1991 Dodge Spirit,” says Earl, who hasn’t used a blinker since Y2K. “She doesn’t turn left anymore, but that’s why I only drive in circles around my block.”

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2. Fashion Forward
Nothing says sexy like a triple-denim ensemble, sweat-resistant mesh caps, and T-shirts that say “Git-R-Done” in three languages.
The most popular fashion accessory is duct tape—used to fix boots, secure waistlines, and occasionally, hold families together.
Wichita Falls’ unofficial motto? “If you can’t wear it to a funeral and a bar fight, don’t wear it at all.”

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3. Culinary Creativity
Gourmet in Wichita Falls means pouring hot sauce on something expired.
The food pyramid is made entirely of starches, things in cans, and whatever is half-off at ALDI.
Locals proudly make “cowboy charcuterie”—Vienna sausages, off-brand crackers, and a Slim Jim snapped into bite-size pieces. Add ranch? You’ve got yourself a Michelin-star meal.

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4. Home Décor
Shag carpet and popcorn ceilings? That’s not neglect—that’s intentional design aging.
Wichita homes feature velvet Elvis paintings, broken ceiling fans, and couches that look like they survived two divorces and a minor arson.
Interior design is less HGTV and more HGWTF.

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5. Entertainment
Who needs Netflix when you’ve got teenagers doing donuts in the Dollar General parking lot and feral cats fighting behind the laundromat?
Locals gather to watch things like:

• Squirrel rodeos

• Lawn mower drag races

• Tammy yelling at Rick about the custody agreement in public
  Culture is alive—it just smells like diesel and Monster Energy drinks.

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6. Beverage Preferences
The whiskey here isn’t aged—it’s just tired.
Popular brands include “Old Gutpunch,” “Ten Penny Corn Swill,” and a clear liquid sold only in unmarked mason jars labeled “maybe tequila.”
Mixers include:

• Tap water

• Cherry Kool-Aid

• Your own tears
  If it burns going down, it’s working.

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7. Romantic Endeavors
Dating apps in Wichita Falls ask three questions:

1. Do you own a truck?

2. Do you have a probation officer?

3. Do you think Chili’s is romantic?
   The town’s wedding industry is booming—largely because no one makes it past the three-month mark. Vows are often shouted over pool tables during happy hour.

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8. Fitness Trends
The closest thing to CrossFit is lifting a six-pack out of the cooler without breaking a sweat.
Jogging happens only during tornado season.
The only “step goals” tracked are from a FitBit someone found under a couch cushion in 2019.

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9. Technology
Flip phones are still considered “reliable,” especially because smartphones can’t survive the fallout of a bar brawl or being dunked in queso.
Internet speeds are measured in “shrugabytes.”
Smart homes? Please. If you can yell “lights!” and someone in your house flips a switch, that’s voice activation.

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10. Pet Culture
Dogs double as lawn ornaments, emotional support systems, and part-time squirrel deterrents.
If your dog doesn’t ride in the bed of your truck and stick its head out the window like it’s running for mayor, do you even live here?
Veterinarians accept cash, deer jerky, or old batteries.

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11. Weather Wisdom
Wichita Falls doesn’t have a forecast—it has a roulette wheel of fire, wind, hail, and regret.
Locals prepare for a sunny day by bringing a poncho, sunscreen, a shovel, and a snakebite kit.
Umbrellas are considered witchcraft.

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12. Gardening
Lawns in Wichita Falls are not manicured, they’re negotiated.
Most are equal parts dead grass, rusted tools, and oil stains from a family truck that’s “almost fixed.”
Potted plants are just beer cans with soil in them. Occasionally, they bloom sadness.

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13. Transportation
A good bicycle in Wichita Falls has two working tires, a bell stolen from a tricycle, and is probably chained to a parking meter that’s older than the Cold War.
A ride-share service here is just your cousin Chad with a bench seat.
Local scooters include lawnmowers modified for speed and chaos.

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14. Education
Classroom supplies include one whiteboard, six feral calculators, and a goat named “GED.”
Sex ed is a filmstrip from 1973 and a teacher named Glenda who keeps saying “you’ll figure it out.”
Graduation gowns are recycled from the local mortuary.

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15. Community Events
The “Who Can Fix It?” contest is not just a celebration of jerry-rigging—it’s religion.
Categories include:

• Best use of chewing gum in auto repair

• Fastest grill made from spare AC units

• Most believable excuse for not paying child support
  Winners receive glory, duct tape, and a gift card to Sonic.

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