Category: Comedy

Science Confirms: Getting Lucky Is the Real Melatonin

SEX, SLEEP & SNOOZIN’: AMERICA DISCOVERS THE BEDROOM’S BEST KEPT SECRET

by the Insomniac Bureau of Bohiney.com — A certified collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.

Introduction: America Discovers It’s Been Using Melatonin Like a Chump

A new study published in Sleep Health has delivered earth-shattering, mattress-quaking news: sex before bed improves sleep. What? Sex Before Bed Improves Sleep? That’s right. After decades of pushing white noise machines, herbal teas, and overpriced memory foam slabs, science has revealed what every teenager in the backseat of a Honda Civic already knew—post-coital sleep hits different.

The researchers, who spent 11 nights lurking in bedrooms like pervy statisticians, found that both partnered sex and solo sessions (yes, that kind) improved “objective sleep efficiency.” In layman’s terms: people who “did it” before bed snored harder, longer, and with more REM-like confidence.

“Sex helps with sleep? Then sleep on the couch.” — Jackie Mason (1971)

The Climax of Research: Sex = Sleep, and Probably a Nap After

Wireless polysomnographic devices (a fancy term for horny Fitbits) were strapped to the heads of seven brave heterosexual couples. They were asked to keep detailed journals of their bedtime activities—something most people refer to as “the group chat with screenshots.”

Researchers noted sleep efficiency skyrocketed to over 93% on nights of partnered or solo sexual activity, compared to a flaccid 91.5% when no action occurred. This means America may be three orgasms away from solving its sleep crisis.

According to Dr. Lennox Tremblay, a sleep researcher who moonlights as a tantric Reiki practitioner, “The body responds to sexual release by decreasing cortisol, increasing oxytocin, and resetting the circadian rhythm. Or in scientific terms—ya nut, ya nap.”

Exaggeration, Absurdity & Wordplay: Turning the Bed Into a Research Facility

Forget smart mattresses and sleep tracking apps. The true upgrade is the age-old horizontal hula. Imagine the next-gen Apple Watch featuring a “bed buddy” feature:

“Achievement Unlocked: REM Job.”

Corporate America is already sniffing out the opportunity. Sleep Number has announced the “69 Series”—beds that come with privacy curtains, remote-controlled dimming lights, and a built-in “Don’t Ask, Don’t Knock” doormat.

Meanwhile, at CVS, melatonin gummy sales have plummeted 72%, replaced by discreet paper bags filled with premium lube and Barry White CDs. Aisle 6 is now known as the “Do Not Disturb Zone.”

Personal Anecdotes from the Sleep-Deprived

Linda in Des Moines, a 47-year-old mother of three, reported miraculous improvements:

“I used to wake up every two hours. But now, after a good session with Dave—and occasionally a glass of Merlot and a vibrating toothbrush—I sleep like a tranquilized otter.”

Timothy, a software engineer in Palo Alto, said:

“I tried sex before bed and woke up rested for the first time since 2003. Also, I learned my wife has been reading Outlander fanfiction, so now she’s invested.”

Red Herring: The Fitness Industry is Furious

Naturally, the sleep industry is panicking. The CEO of Calm was reportedly spotted in a fetal position at a WeWork, mumbling, “No… not climax over content…” Meanwhile, Peloton is rebranding its bikes as “foreplay devices,” hoping users will “ride” their way into better sleep.

A representative from Casper Mattresses declined to comment but did sigh heavily and mutter, “It was only a matter of time before people realized lying down was better than standing planks.”

False Authority: Influencers Join the Conversation

TikTok influencer @SleepyKitten69 posted a 12-part series titled “Nighttime Nookie = Nirvana,” claiming, “If you’re not moaning before midnight, you’re living wrong.” Her video, filmed entirely under pink LED lights, now has 3.2 million likes, 58 sponsorships, and one cease-and-desist from the American Psychological Association.

Joe Rogan jumped in with a podcast episode:

“Sex is nature’s NyQuil, man. You think wolves use white noise machines? No! They howl, they hump, and they hit the pine.”

Comedian Quotes, Because the People Demand It

“Sex before bed improves sleep? So now my insomnia is just a lack of intimacy. Great.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“They say sex helps you sleep better. I say, if you’re doing it right, you’re already tired.” — Ron White
“Sex before sleep is like a lullaby for adults. Just with more moaning.” — Billy Crystal
“They say sex before bed improves sleep. So does a bottle of wine, but who’s judging?” — Sarah Silverman
“Sex helps you sleep? Fantastic. Another reason to disappoint my wife.” — Larry David
“Sex helps you sleep? Honey, after 25 years of marriage, sleep is the only action I get.” — Roseanne Barr
“More like snoreplay.” — Adam Sandler
“So now sex is a sleep aid? What’s next, snoring as foreplay?” — Jerry Seinfeld
“If you’re still awake, you’re doing it wrong.” — Ron White
“I tried sex before bed for better sleep. Now I need a nap before sex.” — Amy Schumer
“In bed, I prefer to forget everything—especially insomnia.” — Groucho Marx (1933)

Social Commentary: America Is Horny, Tired, and Overworked

This study reveals more than a scientific truth—it unveils a cultural paradox: Americans are overworked, under-laid, and medicating a problem that could be solved in under five minutes with enthusiastic consent and a decent Wi-Fi connection.

The sleep crisis isn’t a public health issue—it’s a libido issue. Couples have spent decades arguing over whose turn it is to do dishes, while ignoring the magical powers of bedtime booty.

False Dilemma: Melatonin vs. Masturbation

Why choose between lavender aromatherapy and nightly self-love? Can’t we have both?

Marketers, however, are already trying to divide us: “Tired? Can’t focus? Choose the path of the monk (sleep teas) or the lover (sleep sex). Only one can win.”

Spoiler alert: the monk still wakes up groggy. The lover wakes up late, grinning, and hungry for waffles.

Slippery Slope: Where Does It End?

If sex makes you sleep better, what’s next? HR departments offering “climax cubicles”? Marriott Hotels launching a “Turndown & Turn On” service?

Will Fitbits begin buzzing suggestively at 10 p.m., saying:

“Your heart rate is low. May I recommend some friction?”

And worst of all—will pharmaceutical companies start offering sex in pill form? Oh wait. That already exists. It’s called Tinder.

Definition Break: What Is Sleep Efficiency?

According to the researchers, sleep efficiency is the percentage of time in bed actually spent asleep. That means if you’re lying there, staring at the ceiling, mentally calculating how many mozzarella sticks you can eat before it becomes a crime—you’re failing.

But after sex, even the most seasoned overthinker can’t resist the neurochemical lullaby of oxytocin and serotonin. That’s right. Sex shuts down the part of your brain responsible for replaying high school embarrassments.

Analogy: Sex is the Natural NyQuil, Just Without the Cherry Aftertaste

Think of sex as nature’s sleep app—no ads, no subscriptions, and only occasionally a tech support call if someone yells “wrong hole.”

Compared to CBD gummies and sleep hypnosis podcasts, sex is simple, reliable, and, if you’re lucky, doesn’t involve you listening to someone say, “Breathe in peace… exhale your taxes.”

Real-ish Evidence: What the Public Is Saying

A fake national survey conducted by Spintaxi.com’s Department of Poll-Led Hysteria found:

• 72% of Americans prefer sex over melatonin.

• 18% tried both and passed out halfway through.

• 7% said they prefer cuddling, and we’re still trying to verify if they’re real people.

• 3% answered “my cat won’t let me,” and we’re sending help.

Trace Evidence: Historical Sleep-Sex Connection

Let us not forget: Napoleon was famously a champion of the “bed-battle-bed” approach. Ancient Romans, too, believed in a post-coital siesta as sacred. And George Washington allegedly chopped down a cherry tree and got seven hours of uninterrupted rest.

Coincidence? We think not.

Cultural Stereotyping for Satirical Flavor

The French have always known sex is a bedtime ritual. That’s why they nap so well. The British, in contrast, opt for tea and gentle despair. Americans? We’ve spent years making love a punchline and sleep a productivity hack. No wonder we’re cranky.

Call to Action: A National Sleep Revival Movement

The time is now. We don’t need more caffeine, white noise apps, or stoic breathing tutorials from ex-Navy SEALs. We need touch, connection, and a willing partner (or at least a well-lubricated imagination).

We propose Congress consider the Goodnight Act—legislation mandating 20 minutes of intimate activity per household nightly. Benefits include:

• Improved national sleep scores

• Reduced road rage

• Lowered Starbucks addiction

• A happier, snuggly-er GDP

Conclusion: It’s Time to Get Laid—For Your Health

In the end, the research is clear. Science has now confirmed what Barry White fans have been humming all along: sex puts you to sleep, and sleep makes everything better.

You don’t need to be rich, enlightened, or in a relationship. You just need a bed, a body, and a bedtime story that ends with a bang.

So tonight, don’t just fluff the pillows. Flirt with destiny. And remember—if you sleep well, you did it right.

Auf Wiedersehen.

The 127% Burden: Why Black Artists Are Expected to Paint, Protest, and Personally Solve Racism

Satirical Journalism by the Cultural Correspondence Desk of bohiney.com

Letitia Wright recently described the “huge burden of representation” placed on Black artists. In unrelated but equally inconvenient news, researchers at the Institute for Public Emotional Burden Distribution (IPEBD) released a study proving, with 127% confidence, that Black artists face approximately 127% more expectations than white artists — especially if they’re good-looking and have Twitter.

Black artists have 127% more demands on them than white artists… — Letitia Wright

Black Artists Have 127% More Demands on Them Than White Artists

This number, like most statistics in race-based discourse, is both entirely fabricated and universally felt. It’s the kind of number that doesn’t need a spreadsheet because it lives rent-free in every gallery, film set, and diversity panel across the Western Hemisphere.

Let’s be clear: when white artists paint a tomato, it’s “postmodernism.” When Black artists paint a tomato, it better also be about colonialism, spiritual trauma, and Juneteenth.

You Can’t Just Paint a Chair Anymore

In the words of Brooklyn-based conceptual artist and reluctant spiritual guide Raheem Fontaine, “Man, I just wanted to paint a chair. But the gallery curator asked me what it said about the Black experience under capitalism. I said it says, ‘Sit down.’”

The painting was renamed Oppression Reclined and sold to a hedge fund that also owns three Harlem brownstones and a Kendrick Lamar NFT.

Black artists report that no artistic output is ever simply artistic. If a Black filmmaker directs a rom-com, critics expect it to contain commentary on systemic inequity, police brutality, and whether Maya Angelou would approve of the third act twist.

A white artist can submit a blank canvas titled Void #3. A Black artist must submit the same thing but add a 12-paragraph artist’s statement on intergenerational trauma, urban gardening, and the metaphysics of Kanye West’s 2009 VMAs outburst.

The Burden of Being Everyone’s Moral Compass

White artists can be oddballs, rogues, or total jerks. They’re called “eccentric.” Black artists are expected to be brand-safe revolutionaries with perfect teeth, anti-racist workshops, and a non-threatening smile for NPR.

As comedian Michelle B. Slayton puts it: “White dudes get to throw paint at goats and it’s ‘avant-garde.’ I turn in a multimedia sculpture called Spoonfed Justice and someone from The Guardian asks me if it’s an indictment of food deserts or a call to defund the USDA.”

And you can’t mess up. The one Black artist who forgets to quote James Baldwin gets publicly demoted to “Black-adjacent.”

A recent poll from “Ain’t That the Truth Analytics” found:

• 74% of Black artists feel pressure to “speak for their race”

• 63% have been asked to comment on social justice while trying to enjoy brunch

• 41% have been assigned Toni Morrison as mandatory reading by their gallerists

The same survey showed that 91% of white artists were asked, “Do you want oat milk?”

Faux-Therapists with Cameras

Filmmakers like Letitia Wright now receive scripts with a note: “Make this emotionally real, deeply Black, and also palatable to international markets — especially Denmark.”

Being a Black actor means portraying grief without scaring the suburbs. One must weep poetically, bleed metaphorically, and die beautifully, all while Beyoncé plays faintly in the background.

On one Netflix set, an actor reportedly walked off after being asked to cry while hugging his dead son and symbolically planting a seed for future hope — all in one take. The director, a white woman named Aspen Riverstone, said, “We were trying to capture the multi-layered symbology of resilience in the Black soul. Also, we needed a two-minute cold open.”

White Guilt by Association

In Hollywood, if one Black actor succeeds, five white executives feel like they adopted a child.

“I’ve always seen myself in Viola Davis,” said Bradley, a USC film grad who once directed a music video for his Labradoodle. “Her pain is my pain. Her Oscar is my emotional support animal.”

White guilt has become a cottage industry. Black creators are now legally required to include a redemption arc for at least one white person per project. Critics call it “narrative balance.” Artists call it “mandated allyship with benefits.”

And of course, if the project fails, the same white executives who championed Black voices quietly go back to making reboots of Friends.

The Marvel of Being Marketable

Wright’s new film Highway to the Moon is about grief, healing, and spirit journeys. Critics immediately asked why it doesn’t contain any CGI dragons, a Kendrick soundtrack, or a villain who’s secretly Ronald Reagan in space.

Black sci-fi must now contain at least five metaphors for slavery, three for Afrofuturism, and one character named “Mosi” who teaches the protagonist to “remember who you are.”

“If you’re Black and make sci-fi, it better look like a TED Talk on melanin, identity, and quantum jazz,” said Dr. Julianna Sage, professor of Unreasonable Expectations at Yale’s School of Theoretical Expectations.

Comedian Lines That Say the Quiet Part Loud

“I asked a white guy what his art was about. He said, ‘grief and gentrification.’ I said, ‘I asked you to draw a dog.’” — Ron White

“Being a Black artist means your autobiography is due before your first gig.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Black artists can’t just dance. We gotta explain why our ancestors never got to cha-cha.” — Chris Rock

“Hollywood wants Black trauma, but make it fashion.” — Sarah Silverman

“127%? I believe it. We’re expected to represent Wakanda and Waffle House simultaneously.” — Trevor Noah

“If one more white woman calls me ‘powerful,’ I swear I’m gonna turn into Oprah mid-scene.” — Wanda Sykes

“Being a Black artist is like being asked to host Thanksgiving for all of America’s guilt.” — Kevin Hart

“I painted a red square and called it rage. The museum renamed it Emancipation Framed.” — Demetri Martin

“Some days I just want to draw cartoons. Other days, I’m asked if my cartoons could end systemic racism.” — Tig Notaro

“They want me to make comedy that’s ‘Black but not too angry.’ What does that even mean? Am I allowed to shout if it rhymes?” — Amy Schumer

“White artists get to be ‘enigmatic.’ We have to be messiahs with a paintbrush.” — Paul Mooney

“My one-man play got retitled by producers as Black Man Explains Everything Ever to White People.” — Jackie Mason

Institutionalized Exhaustion

At the University of Unrelenting Expectations, students are taught to smile while unpacking generational trauma. Black MFA candidates must submit one portfolio and one community healing plan.

Their thesis titles include:

• “Joy as Resistance: Finding Solace While Teaching Yoga to Racists”

• “Color Theory and Colonial Wounds: An Exhibition in Three Emotional Phases”

• “Can I Just Paint Something Cute Without Being a Goddamn Symbol?”

Black artists aren’t even allowed to be mid. While white artists experiment, fail, and get second chances, Black artists must arrive fully formed, like cultural Greek gods summoned to explain intersectionality through dance.

Rewriting the Contract of Representation

It’s become clear that the “representation deal” Black artists signed wasn’t a contract — it was a lifetime subscription. Every success is proof of progress. Every failure is an indictment of the whole.

The same gatekeepers who refused to hire Black talent in the 2000s now call themselves “amplifiers of melanated voices” on LinkedIn. Black artists get the opportunity to tell their stories — but must also become their own publicist, sociologist, translator, and sometimes trauma doula.

White artists get notes like, “Add more whimsy.” Black artists get notes like, “Could you make this about police?”

The 127% Burden Is Real, Even When It’s Not

Of course, the number 127% is satirical. But the sentiment it expresses is real, and painfully familiar. The Black artist must do more with less, say more with fewer scenes, and heal more wounds while juggling grants, gig work, and interviews with white podcasters who keep saying “we hear you” but never shut up.

When Letitia Wright spoke of the “huge burden,” she wasn’t whining. She was warning.

A society that asks for liberation content on a budget, that applauds Black stories but underfunds them, that sells Black culture while ignoring Black needs — is a society clapping with one hand.

We say we want truth and joy from our Black artists, but only if it’s digestible, profitable, and awards-season ready.

If not, we send them back to the margins with a soft, patronizing pat on the shoulder and a participation plaque that reads: “Thank You for Your Courage.”

Disclaimer: This article is a collaborative creation between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Every fact herein is satirical, exaggerated, or poetically unhinged. Any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental, ironic, and probably accurate.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Black Artist Paints Joy, Gallery Renames It “Unhealed Pain No. 4”

Brooklyn — A Black visual artist’s radiant, technicolor painting titled Sunday Joy in the Backyard was quietly retitled Unhealed Pain No. 4 by the Gilded Fist Gallery ahead of its spring opening. The piece — described by the artist as “a tribute to backyard barbecues, laughter, and my niece’s loud storytelling” — was reinterpreted by curators as “a visual cry against generational trauma and late-stage capitalism.”
Gallery director Chet Whitelaw said, “We sensed the deeper, more tragic undertones beneath the color palette. The yellows screamed systemic injustice.” The artist, Tasha R. Dillard, was reportedly stunned. “It was about grilled corn and playing dominoes. I used pink glitter. How is that painful?”
Art critics hailed the piece as “a searing confrontation with ancestral memory disguised as whimsy.” Dillard has since withdrawn the piece and replaced it with a new painting titled Red Balloons and Potato Salad, which the gallery preemptively renamed Post-Colonial Lament in Acrylic.
Meanwhile, white artists in the same show presented a series of abstract stains on found wood, collectively titled Me and My Feelings. These pieces remained untouched by the trauma-industrial complex.

Museum Cancels White Art Show for Being Too Emotionally Accurate

Cleveland — The Rustbelt Modern Museum has abruptly canceled its anticipated exhibit, Whispers from the Suburbia: White Artists Feel Stuff Too, after curators deemed it “too emotionally accurate” for public consumption.
The installation featured 27 white artists earnestly confronting topics like divorce, loneliness, and the existential dread of ordering the wrong latte. However, when museum board members previewed the exhibit, one reportedly murmured, “Oh no, I feel something. Shut it down.”
Visitor feedback from a test run revealed high levels of discomfort. “I thought I came for abstract nostalgia,” said one gallery-goer. “Instead, I got hit with Sharon’s watercolor series about her son’s fentanyl addiction.”
The museum has instead replaced the exhibition with Color Splash: Joyful Abstraction from the Southern Hemisphere, which features zero faces and 100% unthreatening shapes.
Lead curator Samantha June apologized for the confusion. “We support diverse voices, but white feelings are best expressed through minimalist sculpture, not earnest oil paintings.”
All works have been relocated to a nearby Whole Foods for “better contextual appreciation.” One artist, devastated but understanding, whispered, “At least they didn’t rename my piece Wounded Colonial Echoes in Beige.”

Letitia Wright Diagnosed With Chronic Symbolism Fatigue

Los Angeles — Acclaimed actress and director Letitia Wright has been diagnosed with Chronic Symbolism Fatigue (CSF), a rare but increasingly common affliction among Black creatives expected to imbue every project with 14 layers of cultural meaning.
Symptoms include excessive metaphor burnout, involuntary James Baldwin references, and allergic reactions to the word “representation.”
Wright reportedly collapsed during a pitch meeting when asked, “Can this space journey also represent Black motherhood, post-colonial trauma, and Afrofuturism — but make it relatable to Norwegian teens?”
Her publicist confirmed she’s taking time off from decoding existence through symbolism to rest her third eye. “She just wants to direct a movie where no one dies or floats in slow motion. Maybe a rom-com about dental hygienists.”
Hollywood executives expressed concern. “We didn’t know you could get tired of symbolism,” said one. “We thought it was like melanin — inexhaustible.”
CSF is now listed in the DSM-V under “Representation-Induced Narrative Collapse.” Wright has started an awareness campaign, encouraging Black creatives to use literalism once in a while.
Her next project, Bananas Are Just Bananas, premieres next fall and has already been hailed as “a masterful deconstruction of plantation nostalgia.”

Art School Assigns Kendrick Lamar Lyrics Instead of Color Theory

Chicago — In a bold move toward “culturally responsive curriculum,” the Fine Arts Institute of the Midwest has replaced its traditional color theory course with a semester-long lyrical analysis of Kendrick Lamar’s discography. Students studying painting and sculpture are now required to decode verses from To Pimp a Butterfly instead of mixing paint or understanding the color wheel.
Professor Daryl “Hue-manity” Singleton defended the shift. “Kendrick’s use of metaphor is more vibrant than any shade of vermilion. And unlike Roy G. Biv, he won a Pulitzer.”
Final exams now include essays such as: “Compare and contrast the mood evoked by ‘Alright’ to the psychological impact of monochrome palettes in postcolonial urban murals.”
One confused freshman asked, “So… do I paint to the beat?” A fellow student clarified: “No, you vibe to the beat, then deconstruct it in charcoal.”
White students in the program have reportedly stopped using paint altogether and now freestyle social justice slogans over drum machines.
Critics worry this may impact graduates’ ability to match skin tones. Administrators counter: “Who needs skin tone when you’ve got soul tone?”
The textbook, Pigments and Poetics: A Lamar Primer, is available in the campus bookstore for $127.

Diversity Grant Requires Artists to “Explain Racism to Plants”

Seattle — The National Cultural Equity Fund’s latest round of diversity grants has introduced a controversial clause: applicants must include a performance piece explaining racism to plants.
The grant, meant to “foster intersectional dialogue in non-verbal ecosystems,” was written by a committee of former slam poets, botanists, and a Labrador retriever with a DEI certificate.
“The idea,” said grant director Juniper Smythe, “is to see if flora can absorb collective pain through interpretive dance, spoken word, or reiki.”
One applicant, Elijah Banks, was disqualified for using a ficus instead of a fern. “Ferns are more racially empathetic,” the board explained. “They date back to pre-colonial soil layers.”
Last year’s winning project, Rooted Resistance: A Soliloquy for the Succulent, involved a Black artist whispering James Baldwin quotes to an aloe vera plant while surrounded by broken gentrification flyers.
Some artists are pushing back. “Can’t I just paint a mural?” asked Devina Moore. “Why must I emotionally rehabilitate a Boston fern?”
The grant committee says future rounds may require artists to explain systemic oppression to clouds, doorbells, or Tesla drivers.
Meanwhile, three tulips reportedly showed signs of white fragility and requested a mediation circle.

Gallery Open Mic Night Ends in Emotional Collapse and Three Book Deals

San Francisco — What began as a casual Thursday night gallery open mic quickly spiraled into a collective emotional breakdown, ultimately resulting in three book deals and one short film option.
The event, themed “Unapologetically Vulnerable,” was meant to be a safe space for performance artists to “unleash their inner frequencies.” It instead became a cathartic wildfire of generational trauma, stolen sage bundles, and shouted slam poetry about gentrification.
One performer simply sobbed into a microphone for seven minutes while a bassoonist improvised in F minor. The crowd gave a standing ovation and two MFA programs offered scholarships on the spot.
Another act involved a white woman from Marin County asking forgiveness from a papier-mâché statue of Frederick Douglass while removing her crystals. A publisher in the audience immediately offered her a book deal titled My Chakras Were Colonized Too.
By midnight, five people were sobbing, two were healing, and one man had proposed marriage to his inner child.
The gallery has since closed for “spiritual fumigation.” The director, tear-stained but inspired, said: “We opened our hearts. And our wallets. Emotional chaos is the new networking.”

Beyoncé Asked to Approve All Black Art Before It Leaves the Studio

New York — In a move hailed as “bold and dangerously efficient,” cultural institutions nationwide have quietly agreed to submit all Black art to Beyoncé for final approval. The Beyoncé Bureau of Cultural Certification (BBCC) now reviews everything from spoken word to oil portraits to ensure works are “on-brand for the diaspora.”
A memo from the Smithsonian reads: “Before any painting leaves the frame, Beyoncé must sign off with a whisper and a single nod from behind a velvet curtain.”
One artist, Chike Okonkwo, said his abstract piece Circles of My Grandfather’s Wisdom was returned with a sticky note reading: “Add more joy. XO, B.”
In 2024, Beyoncé reportedly rejected a sculpture for being “emotionally off-key” and once approved an Afrofuturist dance film by blinking three times during a solar eclipse.
While some creatives feel empowered, others feel boxed in. “I wanted to explore rage through performance,” said dancer Aisha Devine. “But now I have to add glitter and choreography, or it won’t pass Beyoncé’s vibe check.”
A representative for Queen Bey insists the process is “collaborative, intuitive, and rhythm-based.” Future protocols may require artists to submit a sound bath recording, an incense sample, and their Spotify Wrapped before review.

White Critics Give Black Film Four Stars, Still Don’t Understand It

Los Angeles — A new indie film exploring Black identity through puppetry, underwater jazz, and minimalist dialogue received glowing reviews from top white critics who openly admitted they “didn’t understand a single frame.”
“Powerful, layered, and haunting,” wrote Nigel Breckens of CineSphere Monthly, adding, “I think the puppets represented institutional anxiety, but I’m afraid to ask.”
Film critic Joan Whittle called it “emotionally resonant, yet slippery,” explaining, “I didn’t get the point, but I felt guilty the entire time. That’s how I knew it was brilliant.”
The director, Zora Fines, responded, “It was a coming-of-age story about my cat. The metaphors were accidental.”
Some audience members wept during a scene involving a bowl of soup and a saxophone solo. Others tweeted that it “felt woke and moist.”
Despite being incomprehensible to most viewers, the film is a frontrunner for multiple awards because it “feels like homework the Academy should have done decades ago.”
Netflix has already greenlit a limited series adaptation titled Me and My Institutional Puppets, described as “Boots Riley meets Blue’s Clues.”
Meanwhile, the director’s next project — a rom-com with actual jokes — has been deemed “too accessible” for critical acclaim.

Black Comedian Accidentally Solves Racism, Apologizes for Inconvenience

Atlanta — Stand-up comic DeShawn “Deez” Murphy has issued a formal apology after accidentally solving systemic racism mid-set during a late-night open mic at the Chuckle Factory.
Witnesses say Murphy, riffing on potholes, barbershop culture, and expired almond milk, suddenly improvised a perfect analogy that dismantled structural inequality in less than 45 seconds. The audience fell silent. One man burst into tears. Another texted his dad for the first time in years.
“I didn’t mean to,” Murphy said at a press conference. “I was just trying to make fun of Whole Foods. But then I said something about redlining and kombucha, and boom — unity.”
Murphy has since been approached by three think tanks, a nonprofit led by Morgan Freeman, and the ghost of W.E.B. Du Bois.
He’s considering a TED Talk but insists he’s “just a guy with a mic, not a messiah.”
In unrelated news, a bipartisan congressional caucus was formed hours later under the name DEEZ (Decentralized Empathy and Equality Zone).
Murphy has since retired the bit, saying, “Laughter is healing, but please — let me go back to fart jokes. Ending racism is exhausting.”

Melanin-Rich Paint Now Required by Law in All Public Installations

Washington, D.C. — A new federal mandate issued by the Department of Cultural Optics and Public Beauty (COPB) requires that all publicly funded art installations contain at least 37% melanin-rich pigment.
The regulation, known as the Reflective Inclusion Order (RIO), was signed into law after a national audit revealed that 92% of public murals were “washed in oatmeal-colored despair.”
“Representation shouldn’t look like beige drywall,” said Senator Keisha Park, co-author of the bill. “If taxpayers fund a sculpture, it better reflect the spectrum of America — from caramel to espresso.”
Local governments have already begun retrofitting statues with darker patinas and commissioning murals featuring smiling Afro-Latinx children holding solar panels.
Sherwin-Williams introduced a new paint line in response, including shades like Radical Cocoa, Post-Colonial Plum, and Oppression Umber.
Some critics claim the law is cosmetic activism. “Color doesn’t equal justice,” said one confused libertarian artist. “What about the rights of mauve?”
Still, supporters say it’s a bold step toward a more vibrant, inclusive future — one wall at a time.
Next year’s update may also mandate bass-heavy soundscapes and optional incense dispensers for immersive equity compliance.

The Office Odyssey: Millennials and Gen Z Navigate the Corporate Galaxy

Gen Z Navigate the Corporate World

In the vast expanse of the corporate universe, two starships—USS Millennial and USS Gen Z—chart their courses through the nebulous realms of open offices, Zoom calls, and the ever-elusive work-life balance.

The Millennial Chronicles: Seeking Purpose in the Void

Captain Millennial, armed with a double-shot espresso and a vision board, embarks on a quest for meaningful work. “It’s not just about the paycheck,” she declares, “it’s about making a difference!”

Her crew, fluent in the ancient dialects of PowerPoint and Excel, navigate the asteroid fields of quarterly reports and performance reviews. They cherish feedback, often sending out surveys titled, “How Am I Doing? (Please Be Honest, But Not Too Honest).”

Gen Z’s Digital Frontier: Emojis, Memes, and Beyond

Meanwhile, Captain Gen Z pilots his ship using TikTok tutorials and communicates primarily through GIFs. “Why write a report when a meme will do?” he muses.

His crew, equipped with the latest apps and an aversion to phone calls, explore the galaxies of remote work, often broadcasting their journeys with hashtags like #WorkFromBed and #NoPantsMeetings.

Interstellar Collaboration: When Worlds Collide

A cosmic event forces the two ships to dock at the same space station—Corporate HQ. Initial interactions are tense. Millennials propose a structured meeting with agendas and action items. Gen Z responds with a Slack poll: “Meeting? Y/N.”

After some turbulence, they find common ground. Millennials introduce Gen Z to the ancient art of the email thread, while Gen Z teaches Millennials the power of the viral dance challenge to boost team morale.

The Alien Overlords: Management

Observing from their ivory tower, the Alien Overlords (also known as upper management) attempt to decode the behaviors of these two species. “Why do they need so much feedback?” one queries. “And what’s a ‘vibe check’?”

In an effort to bridge the gap, they implement a new policy: mandatory fun days. The result? Millennials schedule team-building exercises, while Gen Z organizes a virtual reality escape room.

Conclusion: A New Dawn

As the corporate sun rises on a new fiscal quarter, Millennials and Gen Z realize that despite their differences, they share common goals: meaningful work, flexibility, and the occasional office dog.

Together, they set a course for a brighter, more inclusive workplace galaxy, leaving behind outdated practices and embracing the unknown with optimism and a well-curated playlist.

Disclaimer: This satirical piece is a collaborative creation between a tenured professor who still uses a flip phone and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real corporate scenarios is purely coincidental—or is it?

The Office Is Dead, Long Live the Vibe: A Satirical Deep Dive into Gen Z & Millennial Work Culture

by Staff Writers, Bohiney.com — America’s Most Passive-Aggressive Newsroom

Forget your resume. Forget your college degree. Forget even putting on pants. The modern workplace has undergone a profound transformation, shaped not by productivity or innovation, but by who has the most aesthetically pleasing Zoom background and the lowest tolerance for traditional job expectations. Gen Z and Millennials have tag-teamed the workforce into a hazy lava lamp of emojis, Slack reactions, and scheduled “mental health moments.”

Welcome to the new workplace. It’s less “Office Space” and more “Co-Star App Meets LinkedIn in a Burning Man Tent.”

Welcome to the Jungle Gym of Jobs

You used to walk into a job interview with a tie and a résumé. Now? You better bring a therapy dog and a TikTok following.

Millennials were the first generation to make job titles like “Chief Culture Officer” and “Brand Evangelist” sound like actual professions. Gen Z took one look at that and said, “Nah, I’m gonna be a freelance chaos consultant and NFT ethicist with three side hustles and a burn-out plan.”

“My nephew got a raise for showing up to a Zoom meeting without muting his mic while eating Hot Cheetos. I got fired once for asking for a stapler.” — Ron White

The traditional office is now a battleground of vibes. If your energy is off, HR will assign you a quartz crystal and tell you to sage your cubicle.

Feedback Loop: Now With More Feelings

Millennials crave feedback the way Gen Z craves oat milk. In fact, there are now entire meetings just titled “How Are We All Feeling About the Budget Cuts?”

Managers are required to compliment employees at least once every 14 minutes. Any less, and Slack automatically triggers a mental health seminar. Any more, and it flags a potential hostage situation.

One 2025 study found that 86% of workplace feedback sessions now begin with the phrase, “This is a safe space,” and end with someone crying—not from sadness, but because someone used Helvetica unironically.

“I asked my Gen Z coworker what time it was. He said, ‘It’s giving time… but make it retro.’” — Jerry Seinfeld

Hybrid Work: The Ultimate Schrödinger’s Office

The workplace exists in a quantum state: simultaneously “remote,” “in-office,” and “maybe brunch.” No one really knows who’s supposed to be where. One Gen Z survey found that 72% of employees logged in from bed and 41% also claimed the desk as a “trauma space.”

Millennials still log in at 9:00 a.m. out of guilt. Gen Z logs in at 11:45 a.m. out of defiance—and immediately schedules a break for “self-soothing.”

The only people actually in the office are the interns, a Roomba, and Janet from finance who refuses to die or adapt.

“I tried to schedule a 10am meeting. The Millennials wanted a poll first and the Gen Z kids sent me a link to a Discord.” — Sarah Silverman

The Burnout Olympics

Millennials believe burnout is a badge of honor: “Look how much I sacrificed for this job that laid me off during a merger!”

Gen Z is rewriting the script. To them, burnout is a diagnosis, a poem, and an Instagram carousel with mental health infographics. They’ve even started pre-burning out as a preventative measure. It’s like a flu shot, but with more crying.

Corporate leadership has tried to respond. Google now offers “cry pods.” Amazon provides “unplugging retreats” (run by the same warehouse manager who tracks your bathroom breaks). Meta introduced a beta program called “FeelingsFirst”—an algorithm that auto-fills your resignation letter based on how sad your playlist is.

The Rise of the Office Influencer

Gone are the days of watercooler chat. Now, your coworker might be livestreaming their 9-to-5 on TikTok while explaining how to manifest a promotion using astrology and reusable glitter.

According to LinkedIn data, the number of “Workplace Influencers” has tripled. These are people who do nothing all day but post selfies holding coffee next to a monitor with one open spreadsheet and 42 open tabs about “quiet quitting.”

“At work now, everyone’s an influencer. I miss the guy who just stole your lunch and didn’t call it ‘content.’” — Larry David

The New Language of Labor

Communication styles have evolved. Millennials prefer emails titled “Action Needed.” Gen Z prefers Slack messages like, “heyyy can u peek at this 👀 no stress if not!!”

Meetings now start with an icebreaker, three apologies, and a trigger warning. Every other sentence includes a disclaimer like, “Just to echo what Jenna said,” or “I’m gonna gently push back on that if that’s okay?”

“I’m overwhelmed” is considered a full report.

“I’m in my feels” is a valid PTO request.

“I asked if someone finished the Q3 report. They said, ‘It’s in my drafts, emotionally.’” — Tig Notaro

Purpose, Not Paychecks

Forget salaries. Millennials want to “change the world.” Gen Z wants to change the tone of the world.

Mission statements are now more sacred than pensions. One San Francisco firm rewrote its entire charter to replace “profit” with “vibe synergy.”

A Brooklyn-based media startup hired a “mood architect” instead of an accountant. Their fiscal year closed with three inspirational quotes, a breakup, and a TEDx talk about healing your inner child through spreadsheets.

“Gen Z doesn’t want jobs, they want journeys. Preferably sponsored by a kombucha brand.” — Amy Schumer

Career Goals: Climb the Ladder… Or Melt It Down for Art

Millennials wanted upward mobility. Gen Z wants fluid mobility—like oozing sideways into a less oppressive department.

Career coaching now includes tarot readings. Promotions are celebrated with ASMR meditation sessions. A raise? That’s nice, but does it align with your moon sign?

One HR manager reports a Gen Z applicant asked if the job came with “emotional alignment” and “earthy tones.”

Another submitted a résumé written in haiku. And they got hired.

“My niece just got promoted to Chief Aura Consultant. I still don’t know if she sells oils or vibes.” — Bill Burr

Office Traditions: Buried in a Pet Cemetery

Gone are birthday sheet cakes and awkward Secret Santa exchanges.

In their place: “Gratitude Circles,” “Monthly Healing Hours,” and the dreaded “Silent Slack Appreciation Wall.” If you haven’t received a heart emoji reaction to your work, it means you’re either doing too much or not enough.

The weekly Friday beer cart has been replaced by a kombucha-tasting flight hosted by an ex-barista with a minor in social justice literature.

Team-building activities now include collective journaling and a group TikTok set to a sped-up version of Fleetwood Mac.

Performance Reviews Written in Crayon

Annual reviews? Too rigid. Gen Z prefers “vibe assessments.”

One startup replaced performance metrics with horoscopes. If Mercury’s in retrograde, your deadlines are extended. If your boss is a Gemini, they’re required to say “I value your energy” at least once a week.

A Gen Z employee was recently promoted for “holding space during a difficult brainstorming session.” No one remembers what was brainstormed.

Meanwhile, the CFO hasn’t been seen in months, but is still listed on the org chart as “taking a sabbatical to explore the intersection of rest and capital.”

Office Tech: Digital Native Meets Analog Confusion

Millennials mourn the death of Google Calendar integrity. Gen Z uses Notion boards that are 92% moodboards and 8% to-do lists.

IT departments are being retrained to debug astrology apps, troubleshoot aura color filters, and fix “vibe inconsistencies” during Zoom calls.

The average Gen Z worker toggles between 17 tabs, none of which are work-related. One recent survey showed 63% of them accidentally uploaded a TikTok draft to a corporate Dropbox titled “Q2 Strategic Plans.”

“Millennials learned Excel. Gen Z learned how to delete it emotionally.” — Kevin Hart

HR or Holistic Ritual?

Human Resources is no longer a department—it’s a sanctuary. It now includes meditation yurts, a certified Reiki master, and a therapy chicken named Leonard.

Complaints are no longer filed but expressed through interpretive dance. Conflicts are resolved via emotionally neutral improv exercises.

One company HR manual now begins with: “We acknowledge that all conflict arises from misaligned energies.”

Also, no eye contact allowed without mutual consent and moonstone proximity.

“HR asked me to unpack my trauma before submitting a PTO request. I just wanted Friday off.” — Trevor Noah

Final Thought: The Future Is Soft and Made of Recycled Hemp

So, what happens next?

One possibility: All managers become part-time astrologers.

Another: Office chairs are replaced with bean bags that encourage “postural rebellion.”

Or perhaps… just perhaps… we all log off, move to Vermont, and start a co-op called “Sage & Synergy,” where we sell emotionally supportive granola to burnt-out ex-UX designers.

Until then, the workplace is what we make it: a gently crumbling temple of feedback loops, pastel anxiety, and Google Docs titled “Let’s Just Brainstorm Gently.”

“I asked for a standing desk. They gave me a trampoline and a mood journal.” — Roseanne Barr

Comedian Wisdom Roundup

• “My coworker asked me to Venmo him for lunch. We work remotely. In different cities.” — Ricky Gervais

• “Zoom fatigue is real. I turned my camera on and aged five years.” — Dave Chappelle

• “Millennials want to feel seen. Gen Z wants to unsee everything before 9 a.m.” — Bill Burr

• “My boss tried to fire me but started crying instead. We hugged. I still don’t know if I work there.” — Ali Wong

• “Gen Z has a word for everything. I thought ‘soft launch’ was a missile term. It’s dating now.” — Chris Rock

• “Millennials journal. Gen Z vlogs. Boomers just sigh and pay the mortgage.” — Tig Notaro

• “I went to an office happy hour. Someone brought their therapist.” — Kevin Hart

• “Our team-building exercise was just sitting in silence and acknowledging each other’s auras. I think we summoned a demon.” — Sarah Silverman

This story was written in full collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual job interviews conducted via Tarot is completely intentional.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Bohiney Magazine Insight into Gen Z

Inside Information on Gen Z

Justin Bieber and the Emotional AirBNB

Justin Bieber’s Marriage Built on FOMO, Fumes, and Filtered Apologies

by Lurlene Dumpster-Morrison, Bohiney.com Senior Correspondent for Celebrity Sadness and Hashtag Marriages

In the latest update from America’s favorite co-dependent photodump, Justin and Hailey Bieber’s marriage is reportedly “hanging by a Louis Vuitton thread” after insiders described their relationship as “a screaming silent disco conducted entirely through Instagram captions and hoodies that smell like eucalyptus disappointment.”

According to no fewer than seventeen sources who once pet-sat for the couple’s dog or attended their 2019 eyebrow-themed vow renewal, things are “tense,” “toxic,” and “TikTokable.”

So, let’s dig in—Bohiney-style. Strap on your ironic wedding veil, light a Jo Malone candle, and open your Bible to the Book of Trauma Bonds.

The Wedding Vows Were Written on a Vape Cloud

In 2018, Justin and Hailey married in a courthouse ceremony that witnesses described as “a vibe, but like, a really confusing vibe.” Their official photographer forgot to charge his camera. Their officiant was reportedly a youth pastor who moonlighted as a DJ. The ceremony was sponsored by four different skincare brands and concluded when Justin whispered, “I do,” followed by, “Do you have gum?”

And though their vows were heartfelt—Justin’s reportedly included the phrase “you’re my literal avocado toast”—many say it was the beginning of a marriage not built on communication, but on aesthetic synchronization.

Justin Bieber, Canada’s Loudest Emotional Support Ferret

Gone are the days of “Baby” Bieber and his mop-top innocence. Today’s Justin resembles a cartoon raccoon who joined a megachurch, lost his keys in a vape cloud, and mistook anxiety for fashion.

Witnesses say he floats through LA in oversized sweaters that scream “Christian Minecraft server trauma,” often posting Instagram stories that read like a cry for help written by a malfunctioning smart fridge.

In a now-deleted post, Bieber wrote: “I am unworthy, selfish, and a fraud, but like…for the glory of God.” Commenters responded with 63,000 “prayer hands” emojis, one confused Midwestern aunt, and Hailey’s lawyer screenshotting everything “just in case.”

Hailey Bieber: Vogue Cover, Emotional Cover Charge

Hailey Baldwin Bieber, meanwhile, has taken on the role of calm, poised prisoner of a luxury apartment. She recently graced the cover of Vogue, where she talked openly about postpartum trauma and the overwhelming emotional burden of being married to a man who once challenged Post Malone to a shirtless prayer-off.

Sources close to Hailey say she spends most of her days applying SPF, attending trauma therapy, and replying “k” to Justin’s emotional novellas.

Her captions—“grateful,” “healing,” “smiling anyway”—have become the Rosetta Stone for a generation of women trapped in relationships with men who think journaling about guilt counts as laundry.

Public Apologies Are the New Love Language

One of the few constants in their relationship has been Justin’s commitment to the art of the public apology. Not just a performer of pop, he is now the Michael Jordan of remorse.

He once went viral for telling Hailey she’d “never make it” as a model, only to follow up with a caption that read: “My soul aches for the pain I caused my life partner and twin flame. I am but a soggy crouton in her spiritual salad.” He received 104,000 likes, 12 marriage proposals, and an invitation to co-host a TED Talk titled “Repentance as Performance Art.”

Couples Therapy or Coachella Lineup?

Multiple insiders confirm that the Biebers are in therapy—but not just any therapy. According to a source who styled Hailey’s therapy outfit, they’ve enrolled in something called “Experimental Christian Psychedelic Breathwork,” a couples program that includes reiki performed by a former Peloton instructor, kombucha enemas, and a weekend retreat inside a refurbished Tesla showroom.

“I saw them re-baptize a vision board together,” said one witness. “It was beautiful. And then Justin cried for 17 minutes into a puffer vest.”

Separate Bedrooms, Separate Realities

The couple reportedly lives in separate homes, or as Justin calls it, “God’s way of giving us Wi-Fi independence.” One lives in Beverly Hills, the other in Bel Air—close enough to share a dog walker, far enough to avoid sharing trauma.

“They’ve created a system,” said an anonymous housekeeper. “He sends emotional TikToks at 3am, she reacts with a thumbs-up emoji, and once a week they share a gluten-free cracker and reminisce about simpler times when he had dreadlocks and she had hope.”

Celebrity Friends Are the New Divorce Attorneys

Gigi Hadid has reportedly been “a shoulder to cry on,” though she insists “not too much crying, because I just got these pillows dry cleaned.”

Meanwhile, Kendall Jenner has allegedly told Hailey, “You should not be in a relationship that feels like an unpaid internship.” Even Kim Kardashian weighed in, posting a cryptic tweet: “Sometimes you have to be your own husband.”

When asked to comment, Kanye replied with a photo of a blank notepad and a pigeon.

Justin’s Latest Project: Looking Haunted

Since the birth of their son, Jack Blues Bieber—a name that sounds like a jazz saxophonist who sells NFTs—Justin has been described by fans as “haunted,” “pale,” and “wearing clothes that look like they’re about to give up.”

One TikTok user noted: “He looks like he’s sleepwalking through a religious art exhibit about depression.”

Another fan said: “He posted a photo with a snake filter and captioned it, ‘Who am I?’ Is that about Hailey or is he playing for Ravenclaw?”

Bong Hits and Baby Bottles

While Hailey was recovering from a traumatic birth experience that involved hemorrhaging and four different doulas named Madison, Justin was allegedly seen “vibing” at a friend’s house with a bong shaped like the Ark of the Covenant.

“It was surreal,” said an eyewitness. “He was talking about the Holy Spirit while playing Mario Kart. I think he’s either having a breakdown or discovering a new musical genre—Christian Hallucinogenic Trap.”

Creepy Comments and Cancelled Cookouts

Public concern peaked when Bieber commented “You are so beautiful. Wow.” on 17-year-old actress Ariana Greenblatt’s Instagram post. The comment was deleted, but not before Reddit erupted with theories, TikTok stitched it into 400 new conspiracy videos, and Hailey’s friends “accidentally” leaked screenshots to Us Weekly.

His apology, naturally, came via Notes app.

Financially Unstable for Jesus

Without a prenup, Hailey could theoretically walk away with half of Bieber’s $300 million fortune—enough to buy a small European country or fund three more Kardashian divorces.

Legal analysts say this would be “biblically ironic,” as Justin once told Rolling Stone, “Money is just a concept, like sin or gluten.”

A former accountant was less poetic: “He has four Lamborghinis and no emergency fund. That’s not a metaphor. That’s a spreadsheet.”

The Bieb-End Is Nigh?

Polls conducted by People Who Pretend They Know Celebrities, Inc. show that 62% of Americans prefer Justin and Hailey’s divorce over jury duty, but still prefer a root canal over another apology video.

When asked if they believe the couple will make it, 34% said yes, 23% said “God only knows,” and 43% simply replied with a shrug emoji and the word “meh.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“He looks like a mop that just got baptized.” — Sarah Silverman

“Justin’s marriage is proof that even a multi-millionaire can be out-emotionally-intelligenced by a houseplant.” — Ron White

“If my husband ever publicly said I’d never make it, he’d never make it to the bed.” — Ali Wong

“Bieber’s going through a midlife crisis at 30. I mean, he’s Canadian, that’s midlife over there.” — Jerry Seinfeld

Final Thoughts: A Love Story in Crisis—or a Reality Show Pilot?

At the end of the day, Justin and Hailey Bieber’s marriage is America’s favorite slow-motion emotional demolition derby. It’s not just a love story—it’s a marketing campaign, a self-help seminar, a skincare routine, a religious journey, and a live-streamed breakdown, all at once.

We can’t look away. We don’t want to. It’s not a train wreck. It’s a beautifully lit, mood-filtered collision of identity, fame, insecurity, and Wi-Fi-enabled longing.

May their marriage last at least until the next album drop.

Auf Wiedersehen from Bohiney.com, where we believe that every celebrity meltdown deserves to be wrapped in satire, dressed in Yeezys, and handed a lavender-scented panic button.

MORE “Justin Bieber” NEWS

Justin Bieber ‘looked like a ghost’ backstage of SZA performance and acted ‘disconnected from reality’

Witnesses say Justin Bieber drifted backstage at SZA’s concert like a Victorian orphan who’d just seen his first electric light. Dressed in an oversized hoodie and eyes glazed like a Walmart ham, the pop star reportedly whispered, “Where am I?” before high-fiving a coat rack and apologizing to a ficus. “It was haunting,” said one crew member. “He kept asking if he was in a dream or a TikTok ad.” Medical professionals have since speculated Bieber may be experiencing a rare syndrome known as ‘Existential Pop Star Fatigue,’ a condition in which rich Canadians lose the will to reality. Sources confirm he tried to autograph a bag of Doritos, mistook SZA for a former Sunday school teacher, and attempted to pray over the soundboard to “cast out the spirits of Billboard past.” A spiritual advisor later confirmed he was “between dimensions,” which explains why he briefly mistook a lighting technician for the Holy Spirit. At press time, Bieber was seen gently weeping into a backstage humidifier, mumbling lyrics from “Yummy” like they were scripture.

Justin Bieber shocks fans with cruel insult to wife Hailey as followers ask ‘why would you share this?’

In a stunning display of self-sabotage, Justin Bieber publicly recalled the time he told Hailey she’d never make it as a model—during her Vogue cover celebration. The comment, which may go down in history as the emotional equivalent of farting during a proposal, was followed by an apology only visible through a microscope and the help of a licensed therapist. Fans gasped, critics cringed, and therapists worldwide offered a group discount to anyone married to someone named “Justin.” The comment, which was neither romantic nor necessary, was posted alongside a blurry photo of Hailey blinking—further proving Bieber’s lifelong commitment to missing the point. Psychologists labeled the event “a classic case of cognitive dissonance meets Canadian audacity.” Meanwhile, Hailey’s expression in response, described by experts as “Polite Resentment #4,” broke the internet for three hours. One fan asked, “Was this supposed to be endearing?” while another wrote, “Bro, just give her a compliment and leave.” As of this writing, Bieber is working on a new apology album called “Oopsie: Songs to Cry While Blocking Your Husband.”

The truth behind Justin Bieber’s ‘explosive’ rows with wife Hailey as pals fear ‘unbearable’ tension after mag storm

Sources close to the couple describe the rows between Justin and Hailey Bieber as “Shakespearean with worse dialogue and better lighting.” After her magazine cover, insiders say tensions soared to the level of a Bravo reunion episode directed by Stanley Kubrick. “He threw a pair of Balenciaga slippers,” one witness reported. “They missed. But the symbolism was powerful.” Friends fear the relationship has turned into a competitive trauma swap, where each person tries to out-misery the other. “It’s like emotional Uno,” said a source. “Hailey plays ‘postpartum hemorrhage,’ Justin counters with ‘I am unworthy.’ Nobody wins.” The couple reportedly communicates through stylized Instagram captions and passive-aggressive acai bowl orders. One pal described their last dinner as “two hours of controlled fury disguised as compliments.” Tension peaked when Hailey allegedly responded to Justin’s poetry with the words, “Sweetie, stop quoting Coldplay.” Bieber then reportedly spent the evening journaling under a salt lamp. Couples therapy has been suggested, but so far, their only joint activity remains synchronized sulking.

Hailey Bieber’s friends urge her to leave Justin after ‘unacceptable’ behavior

Hailey Bieber’s inner circle has reportedly staged an “emergency vibe check” after a string of “unacceptable behaviors” by the husband formerly known as the guy who sang “Baby.” Friends described his recent conduct as “somewhere between a bad ex and a motivational speaker who just discovered mushrooms.” After Justin’s social media oopsies, ill-timed confessions, and that moment he lovingly compared her to “a really chill blanket,” friends have officially started Googling “conscious uncoupling for Instagram models.” A well-placed source—Hailey’s nail technician—reported that “the girls are fed up,” adding, “This man apologizes more than he flosses.” In group chats labeled “Emergency Exit Strategies” and “Justin Detox Protocol,” Hailey’s friends allegedly circulate PowerPoint decks comparing the couple’s dynamic to every red flag emoji known to man. One friend even created a TikTok filter titled “Should Hailey Divorce Him Today?” which currently has 3.4 million uses. Despite this, Hailey remains in the marriage, possibly due to optimism, contract law, or the sheer cost of separating wardrobes. At press time, one source claimed the only thing holding them together is a shared Hulu password and two French Bulldogs with attachment issues.

Justin Bieber admits he is ‘unworthy, selfish and a fraud’ amid marriage trouble

In what experts are calling “the most Instagrammable confession of 2025,” Justin Bieber recently declared himself “unworthy, selfish, and a fraud”—effectively outing himself as the human equivalent of a broken ring light. The confession, typed in a soft cursive font over a backdrop of misty mountains, was shared to his 293 million followers, immediately triggering both sympathy and a wave of confusion. Was it a spiritual epiphany or a soft launch for his next fragrance? “He’s reinventing male fragility as a brand,” noted one relationship coach. “We call it ‘Beta Chic.’” Hailey, meanwhile, responded with a heart emoji and the caption, “Growth is hot,” which sources say translates to “I’ve cried into this pillow so many times it has a name.” The statement caused chaos online, with fans divided between “Praying for you, bro” and “So are you gonna do the dishes or what?” Meanwhile, therapists praised his vulnerability while gently asking if he could perhaps text Hailey directly next time. In response to criticism, Bieber released a limited-edition hoodie that reads: “Unworthy but Moisturized.”

Hailey Baldwin Bieber opens up about terrifying postpartum hemorrhage

In a harrowing interview, Hailey Baldwin Bieber revealed she experienced a postpartum hemorrhage that left her shaken, emotional, and deeply aware that her husband thinks doing the laundry is a “journey of the soul.” Her account was raw, heartfelt, and utterly incompatible with Justin’s concurrent Instagram post, which featured him holding a smoothie and writing, “Love is an infinite circle of vibes, ya feel?” Hailey bravely discussed the trauma of childbirth, recovery, and the profound loneliness of healing while your spouse practices acoustic worship songs in the guest bathroom. Medical professionals applauded her honesty, while fans questioned whether Justin thought a placenta was a rare Pokémon. Sources say that during her hospital stay, Justin attempted to “lift the mood” by bringing a karaoke machine and performing an acoustic mashup of “Baby” and “Ave Maria.” “It was… not helpful,” said a nurse. In response, Hailey quietly launched a skincare line called “Postpartum Peace,” while Justin reportedly cried over a gluten-free pancake and said, “I just feel like pain is a cloud, and I’m trying to surf it.”

Justin Bieber sparks concern with creepy comment to teen actress

Pop sensation Justin Bieber once again demonstrated his elite-level social media judgment by commenting “You are so beautiful. Wow.” under a 17-year-old actress’s photo. The post lasted six minutes before being yanked by an intern in what insiders call the “Digital Containment Protocol.” Fans immediately took to Twitter to ask, “What are you doing, sir?” and “Do Canadian laws apply to the Internet?” Hailey, sources say, responded by logging into her skincare brand’s customer service account and taking a very long break. This incident, the latest in a string of eyebrow-raising moments, has led many to wonder if Bieber is running his social media accounts through a blender filled with maple syrup and insecurity. The teen actress involved responded with the grace of a veteran diplomat, saying, “Thank you?” before deactivating her comments. Bieber has since offered no explanation, though one associate said he believed the comment “was actually intended for his wife, but he got distracted by a butterfly and forgot where he was.” New rumors suggest he’ll release an NFT apology note titled “Oopsie Biebs.”

Hailey and Justin reportedly living in separate homes

In what sources describe as “a bold new phase in performative intimacy,” Hailey and Justin Bieber have reportedly moved into separate mansions—because nothing says “we’re doing great” like 15,000 square feet of emotional distance. The couple now communicates primarily through Instagram reposts and love songs that sound suspiciously directed at their Peloton instructors. “It’s modern love,” said one friend. “They live apart, cry together, and share a dog named Lavender Zen.” Fans have responded with hashtags like #SeparateButSymmetrical and #TwoHomesOneRinglight. When asked, Justin explained the move as “a spiritual exercise in independent togetherness,” while Hailey reportedly called it “space to breathe… and maybe scream.” Insiders claim they’ve divided up responsibilities—Hailey gets the skincare empire and domestic tranquility, Justin gets the hot tub, anxiety, and a room full of broken guitars labeled “feelings.” At last check, the only shared thing between the houses was a Roomba named “Crisis.”

Justin and Hailey Bieber’s marriage allegedly “toxic” behind the scenes

Behind the scenes, say sources, the Bieber household resembles a Wes Anderson remake of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?—symmetrical, pastel, and emotionally deranged. Their dynamic is reportedly so strained that even their houseplants have begun wilting from exposure to tension. “They’ve mastered the art of fighting without words,” said one housekeeper. “It’s just passive-aggressive avocado toast now.” Insiders reveal the couple’s disagreements cover a range of topics from spiritual purpose to whether or not the dog needs its own Instagram. Arguments reportedly start with poetry and end with someone yelling “You never liked Hillsong anyway!” Experts call the relationship “toxic with designer upholstery,” while one therapist compared it to “trying to do yoga on a burning yacht.” Despite this, the couple continues to appear in matching trench coats, clinging to the notion that coordinated outfits equal compatibility. At press time, both were spotted at separate juice bars, meditating furiously.

South Korea’s Election Integrity: As Secure as a Seoul Café Wi-Fi Password (But With More Accusations and Fewer Lattes)

Former Presidents, YouTube Detectives, and Hackers Walk Into a Democracy—South Korea’s NEC Swears Everything’s Fine, Probably.

SEOUL — In a nation where democracy runs on kimchi fumes and public trust gets rebooted as often as Windows XP, South Korea’s elections have found themselves in the crosshairs of conspiracy, confusion, and what some call “helpful foreign involvement”—mostly from Beijing. Following the 2024 general election, claims of Chinese and North Korean meddling escalated from YouTube playlists to presidential podiums. Former President Yoon Suk Yeol and a brigade of online detectives argued that the National Election Commission (NEC) was running its cybersecurity like a PC bang on dial-up. Critics of these claims say there’s “no hard evidence,” but they also said that about pineapple on pizza, and look how that turned out. With American conservatives like Gordon Chang and Fred Fleitz joining the international paranoia parade, the stage is set for a farcical deep dive into election integrity that involves ghosts, Excel macros, TikTok psyops, and a democracy that just wants a nap.

South Korea’s Election Integrity: More Secure Than Your Ex’s Netflix Password—But Just Barely

NEC Swears Democracy Is Fine—Despite Former Presidents, YouTube Screamers, and a Voting Server Named “123456”

Democracy in South Korea is like a Samsung fridge: sleek, efficient, and occasionally haunted by strange error messages. While international watchdogs hail its elections as “cleaner than a BTS fan club meeting,” domestic actors have their doubts. Mainly, former President Yoon Suk Yeol, YouTube influencers with names like TruthPig69, and an angry group of retirees still using Internet Explorer 6.

“Fraud! Rigged! North Korean spyware in ballot machines!” yelled a protestor outside the National Election Commission (NEC) building, standing on a box labeled “Certified Organic Kimchi.”
“I know fraud when I see it,” said the man, who later admitted he once mistook his rice cooker for an AI robot trying to steal his identity.

And thus begins the opera of confusion that is South Korean electoral politics in 2025.

Election Fraud Claims: The Hobby That Launched a Thousand Vlogs

The idea that elections are rigged isn’t new—it’s practically a national pastime. In the U.S., it’s bingo. In France, it’s protests. In Korea, it’s theorizing that your vote was sucked into a black hole created by Chinese quantum hackers.

Former President Yoon Suk Yeol, who has all the charisma of a wet sponge and the persistence of a spam call from a fake bank, continues to claim he “has questions.”
“I’m just asking,” Yoon told reporters while holding a red string and cork board. “Why do all the votes that weren’t for me look suspicious? Coincidence? Or North Korea?”

When asked for evidence, Yoon produced a YouTube clip with 48 views titled: “THEY STOLE IT WITH EXCEL MACROS.”

“The cursor moved by itself,” says the clip’s narrator, a guy in sunglasses indoors. “I swear on my mother’s soju stash.”

NEC: “We’re Fine. Everything is Fine. We Only Changed All the Passwords Last Week.”

The National Election Commission insists everything is in order. According to their press release:

“All systems are secure. We’ve changed the admin password from ‘admin’ to ‘admin123’. We now also use CAPTCHA.”

A 2023 audit by the National Intelligence Service (NIS) discovered “some issues,” which is like saying a 747 missing two wings is experiencing “turbulence.” The audit found vulnerabilities in the NEC’s vote counting software, including:

• Outdated firewalls

• USB ports labeled “Insert Democracy Here”

• And a shared office router nicknamed “KimchiFi”

Hackers could, in theory, access systems, though the NEC insists they’d first have to defeat the office coffee machine, which has a 98% crash rate and runs Windows XP.

Yoon’s YouTube Army: Keyboard Warriors in Pajamas

Yoon’s supporters have taken to YouTube like feral cats to a fish market. Every election cycle is met with a fresh wave of thumbnails: flaming fonts, red arrows, and dramatic music from Inception. Their theories range from the plausible to the cosmically stupid:

• “All Ballots Were Folded the Same Way—Suspicious!”

• “Aliens Backed the Progressive Candidate”

• “Votes Counted by Ghost of Park Chung-hee”

One YouTuber claimed a ghost entered his dream and told him the 2024 vote count was fake. That ghost was later identified as his neighbor’s lost Pomeranian.

Still, their comments get thousands of likes. One viewer wrote:

“This explains everything. I knew the rice felt weird that day.”

NEC vs. Public Trust: A Battle of Bureaucracy vs. Vibes

The NEC, meanwhile, is doing everything it can to regain public trust—including posting unfunny memes on Instagram and releasing a VR tour of the ballot counting room. (Spoiler: it’s just folding chairs and overworked interns.)

A spokesperson said:

“We believe in transparency. So we opened our doors to the public. Also, the building’s locks were hacked last week so… welcome.”

But polls show trust is slipping. A 2024 Gallup Korea poll found that 42% of voters believe at least one of the following:

• The vote was tampered with

• Their ballot was eaten by a robot

• The NEC is secretly a K-pop agency

One man told reporters:

“I don’t trust anyone who uses Excel in 2025. My 13-year-old daughter uses AI to do her math homework. Why is the NEC using pivot tables to protect democracy?”

Cybersecurity Theater: Now Featuring Actual Theatrics

After the NIS audit, the NEC promised “enhanced cybersecurity measures.” These include:

• Two-factor authentication (the second factor is praying)

• Replacing antivirus software with a guy named “Jun-ho” who used to work IT at a PC bang

• Daily fire drills where they burn suspicious USBs

Cybersecurity expert Dr. Im Hyun said:

“This is like putting a screen door on a submarine. You can see the effort, but it’s still gonna sink.”

International Observers: “Sure, It’s Weird, But It’s Not Florida.”

Global institutions like International IDEA gave South Korea a clean bill of electoral health, stating:

“Elections were held efficiently. No widespread fraud. Just the usual political weirdness.”

Foreign observers praised Korea’s quick vote counting, streamlined process, and “extremely polite rioters.”
One British analyst noted, “Even the conspiracy theorists bring their own tea.”

Still, international praise has done little to calm domestic paranoia. As one Korean netizen posted:

“Just because the world says it’s fine doesn’t mean it’s not secretly run by lizard people. Wake up, sheeple!”

Political Polarization: Korea’s New National Sport

Public opinion is fractured like a K-drama plot after the midseason twist. If you support Yoon, you believe the vote was rigged. If you oppose him, you believe his haircut was rigged by a blind barber with a grudge.

Polls show support for the NEC falls neatly along partisan lines. Liberals trust the system. Conservatives trust Telegram channels run by a guy claiming to be a former CIA dolphin trainer.

One voter summarized the mood best:

“My ballot felt like a Tinder date—looked fine, but I still have doubts.”

The Haunting of Former President Yoon

Since leaving office, Yoon has become a cross between a retired judge and a TikTok uncle with too much free time. He now delivers passionate video monologues in front of his bookshelf (which contains exactly one book: “Elections for Dummies”).

His most recent video featured this quote:

“I know what I saw. I saw numbers move. I saw a bar graph wobble. I saw democracy slip on a banana peel.”

When asked if he’d ever provide concrete evidence, Yoon responded:

“The real evidence is in our hearts.”

Comedian Watch: What the Funny People Are Saying

“South Korean elections are like your mom’s secret kimchi recipe—everyone trusts it until one uncle claims the cabbage was from China.” — Ron White

“So let me get this straight: you voted on a machine, got a confirmation, watched the count live, and still think a hacker from Pyongyang switched your ballot with a pizza order?” — Jerry Seinfeld

NEC’s Final Defense: “We’re Not the Problem, the Internet Is”

The NEC recently launched a nationwide campaign called “Democracy: Trust It or TikTok It.” It includes billboards, influencer partnerships, and a man in a chicken suit handing out paper ballots in Myeongdong.

The Commission insists:

“The real virus isn’t in the computers. It’s disinformation. And also, maybe the air conditioning unit.”

They have vowed to modernize election software by 2026, replacing Excel with Google Sheets, assuming the Google Docs permissions nightmare can be solved.

Satirical Sources (All titles link to https://spintaxi.com/random/):

• Former President Yoon Demands Ballot Recount Based on Astrology Chart

• NEC Claims Excel Was “Running Fine Until Mercury Retrograde”

• Korean YouTuber Declares “Algorithm Stole Democracy, Not Hackers”

• Cybersecurity Team Replaced With High School Esports Club

• Angry Voter Throws Kimchi at Voting Booth, Misses, Apologizes

• NEC Offers “Election Escape Room” to Rebuild Public Trust

Conclusion: The Ballot and the Beef

While the NEC insists democracy is intact, the South Korean public remains divided. Some want more security. Others want fewer YouTube conspiracy channels. One guy just wants a sticker that says “I Voted And Didn’t Get Hacked.”

In the end, the future of South Korean elections may come down to one question:
Can democracy survive when half the population believes their Wi-Fi router is a Russian operative?

As for Yoon? He’s reportedly working on a new video series titled “The Voting Matrix: Red Pill Edition.”

Auf Wiedersehen.

Trump Declares “Harvard for Americans” Policy, Adds Hotdog Bar to Café

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Former President Donald Trump announced today that he has “unofficially but spiritually” acquired Harvard University and is turning it back into an American institution by “removing all traces of quinoa and critical race theory.” His first act? Installing a 24-hour hotdog bar in the café to “make Ivy League meat-based again.”

“No more sushi. No more international sauces. Just good ol’ American hotdogs. With ketchup, mustard, and freedom,” Trump declared in front of a crowd of supporters holding diplomas from Trump University printed on Slim Jim wrappers.

Trump’s “Harvard for Americans” policy reportedly includes legacy-only admissions, Bible recitation as a science elective, and a “Bigly History” course focusing exclusively on moments when America won something. Sources say applicants will be screened for red meat levels and patriotism using a grilling-based assessment.

Freshman orientation now includes a weenie roast and a reenactment of the Boston Tea Party — but with Bud Light and bratwurst. Critics say this is “a complete collapse of academic standards,” but supporters argue it’s “the tastiest syllabus ever written.”

Meanwhile, professors have been issued MAGA hoods (Make Academia Great Again) and chalkboards now feature only the letters “U.S.A.” repeated over and over.

Harvard has not officially acknowledged Trump’s takeover. The university president simply said, “We are… evaluating this with measured horror.”

Foreign Students Majoring in Goat Herding Now

With visas revoked and borders closed tighter than a Yale secret society, many foreign students have had to “pivot” their academic aspirations. At least 7,000 formerly Harvard-bound scholars are now enrolled in The American School of Pastoral Arts, a roadside community college outside Boise, Idaho, offering a two-year degree in Advanced Goat Herding with an optional certificate in Sheep Psychology.

The sudden shift came after immigration officials announced that any foreign student pursuing a non-goat-related major would be deported unless they could successfully milk a goat under pressure. “We call it the Udder SAT,” joked one ICE agent.

Students from China, India, and Nigeria are now wearing Patagonia and quoting Wendell Berry while herding livestock and researching goat yoga as an honors thesis. “I used to study quantum computing,” said Akash Rao of Bangalore, “but now I’m focusing on the quantum entanglement of goats and fences.”

The Goat Herding degree includes required courses like “BaaaS 101: Business Applications of Sheep” and “Ethical Grass Grazing.” Students rave about the capstone project, which involves organizing a goat cheese co-op and writing a haiku about loneliness in a meadow.

Despite the academic U-turn, enrollment is booming. One rural dean said, “Turns out the secret to American immigration is to put goats on the brochure. The Department of Homeland Security approves — and the goats don’t complain.”

SAT Now Graded on Ability to Spell ‘USA’ in English

In what the College Board called “an effort to re-center American values,” the SAT has been simplified to a single question: Can you spell ‘USA’ correctly in English? Misspellings like “Yousa” and “Useh” now trigger automatic disqualification and possible community service in a Cracker Barrel.

The redesigned SAT consists of one answer bubble, one flag-themed pencil, and three hours of patriotic silence. Graders now include WWII veterans and reality TV judges.

“It’s about time we stopped testing algebra and started testing AMERICA,” said Dr. Rick Balderson, head of the newly rebranded Department of Standardized Loyalty.

Top scores guarantee admission to the new Trump-endorsed Harvard, while incorrect answers redirect applicants to the “Freedom Academy of Real Good Learning” in Oklahoma, which specializes in lawn care and reciting Toby Keith lyrics.

Some students are protesting. “This test is culturally biased against people who don’t use all caps,” said a concerned mother on Facebook. Meanwhile, a new tutoring industry has emerged, offering flashcards that just say “U,” “S,” and “A” on loop.

The College Board defends the test, noting that the spelling standard is “objectively easier than math, science, or empathy.”

Next year’s version may include a bonus question: “What animal represents freedom and is definitely NOT a panda?”

TEXAS Residents Celebrate, Finally Get Into Harvard at Age 64

After decades of rejection and an average SAT score in the low barbecue range, Texans are celebrating a miracle: Harvard is now accepting residents of the Lone Star State at age 64 and older — as part of its “Diversity of Guns and Gumption” initiative.

Earl Ray Dunston of Amarillo burst into tears after receiving his acceptance letter, which he immediately laminated and wore to church. “I thought Harvard was just a coastal rumor,” he said. “Like arugula. Or tolerance.”

The new admissions policy targets older Texans who “bring life experience, solid drawls, and an appreciation for America that no 17-year-old cello prodigy from Luxembourg could ever match.”

Course offerings for these incoming Texans include “Advanced Front Porch Philosophy,” “Political Incorrectness 101,” and “Shotgun Safety for Indoor Use.” All lectures are followed by brisket.

Harvard’s historic Widener Library now includes a special section of Louis L’Amour novels and Duck Dynasty box sets. The official school motto has been updated to: “Veritas, Y’all.”

Skeptics worry that Harvard is losing its intellectual rigor, but university officials insist the 64+ Texas class is thriving.

“We had one student spell ‘Rousseau’ using only chewing tobacco and hay,” said Dean Lucretia Wellesley. “It was beautiful. Sticky, but beautiful.”

Trump’s HARVARD University Offers Degrees to Anyone Who Can Spell ‘Meritocracy’

In a surprising twist on educational equity, Trump’s newly branded “HARVARD University: Patriotic Edition” announced it will grant instant degrees to anyone who can correctly spell “meritocracy” without autocorrect, coaching, or divine intervention.

“Spelling it proves you earned it,” Trump explained during a press conference held in a former Golden Corral. “That’s the essence of merit… the -ocracy comes later.”

New diplomas are printed on waterproof cardboard and come with a MAGA tassel and a coupon for a hot pretzel at any participating Bass Pro Shop.

Applicants can take the spelling test by phone, fax, or shouting it during a NASCAR race. One accidental graduate earned her law degree after angrily yelling “MERIT-O-KRACY!” at a Waffle House waitress.

The program offers fast-track degrees in fields like “Freedom Math,” “Tactical Economics,” and “Liberal Arts But Conservative.” A recent alumnus said he used his Trump Harvard MBA to negotiate a better deal at Arby’s.

Elite academics remain concerned. “The entire concept of spelling-based graduation is flawed,” said one Princeton professor.

“Exactly,” replied Trump. “That’s why they’re not invited to the class reunion. Which, by the way, is being held at a Motel 6 in Talladega.”

Foreign Students Clone Entire Ivy League in Asia, Add Better Cafeteria Rice

After being banned en masse from elite U.S. schools, foreign students in Asia decided to take the high road—and the high-speed rail. Within months, they cloned the entire Ivy League, naming it the “Ivory Lotus League.”

Harvard became Havrad (with better Wi-Fi). Yale became Yéle, now powered by solar optimism. Princeton stayed Princeton because “it already sounded fake enough.”

Most notably, every cafeteria features Michelin-starred rice. Students can choose between jasmine, basmati, wild, sticky, and quinoa rice (only to remind them of their ex-roommate at MIT).

“We realized America had great buildings and even better endowments, but the food was garbage,” said Keiko Sakamoto, the Dean of Lunch. “How are you supposed to discover dark matter on a lunch of overcooked mac and cheese?”

Classes are more rigorous but less stressful. Meditation replaces midterms. Professors wear robes embroidered with dragons and diplomas come scented.

“In America, they gave me anxiety,” said Han Wu, now a graduate of Brohn University. “Here, they gave me rice and enlightenment.”

The new Ivy clones are outperforming their U.S. counterparts in every field except football, where Asian schools still prefer chess boxing.

Meanwhile, U.S. colleges have responded by offering boiled rice and confusing apologies. It’s too late. The ivory tower now has chopsticks.

Harvard is NOW for Americans

1. “Harvard just installed an American flag in every dorm room… and a breathalyzer for every professor.”

2. “Admissions essay prompt now reads: ‘Describe a time you shot a gun, fixed a truck, or questioned the metric system.’”

3. “The new required reading list? Dale Carnegie, Duck Dynasty, and the original Constitution — laminated.”

4. “To qualify as American, students must spell ‘entrepreneur’ like it sounds: ‘inner-pruh-nure.’”

5. “Campus bookstore now sells Bud Light, Bass Pro hats, and limited-edition George Washington bobbleheads with WiFi.”

6. “International Relations course replaced by ‘How to Tell Europe We’re Full.’”

7. “They replaced foreign language classes with ‘How to Talk Louder in English Abroad.’”

8. “Harvard Law now offering a dual degree in Trucking Logistics and Constitutional Yelling.”

9. “The rowing team was disbanded. Replaced with a bass fishing team and competitive axe throwing.”

10. “Legacy admissions now based on how many BBQ cook-offs your grandpa judged.”

11. “They fired the French professor after he asked if ‘freedom fries’ were a hate crime.”

12. “Every student gets an emotional support bald eagle and a copy of Toby Keith’s greatest hits.”

13. “Economics class now includes a field trip to Walmart and a seminar called ‘Inflation Is a Hoax.’”

14. “The dining hall renamed ‘The Liberty Buffet’ — no tofu, no exceptions.”

15. “If you pronounce ‘croissant’ correctly, you’re automatically waitlisted for being suspicious.”

Harvard to Ban All Foreign Students, Cites Risk of Diversity Contamination

This Is America’s Ivy League, Not a Global Hostel,” Declares University Janitor Turned Provost

In a bold new move that critics are calling “pure bald-eagle patriotism” and supporters are calling “finally someone’s reading the room,” Harvard University has announced a sweeping new policy: No more international students. Not from China. Not from Europe. Not even from Canada unless they can correctly pronounce “about.”

The university, founded in 1636 to produce ministers and colonial snobs, issued the proclamation via a parchment scroll delivered by horseback to Fox News headquarters and taped to a Chick-fil-A wrapper.

“The foreign students were just too… smart,” confessed interim dean Chip “Freedom” Malloy, a former lacrosse coach turned admissions officer. “They were reading extra books, showing up on time, and—worst of all—raising the average SAT score above what a legacy student can fake.”

Trump Applauds Policy, Offers Harvard “Freedom Scholarships”

Former President Donald Trump responded enthusiastically on Truth Social, writing:

“Harvard finally doing what I said back in 2019: AMERICAN universities for AMERICANS. The foreigners can go to Foreignland University. I hear CHINA has a lovely communist campus.”

He also announced a new program where students who are “100% American-born with pure Denny’s loyalty” can receive what he calls Freedom Scholarships—redeemable only at Trump University or the Bass Pro Shops College of Real America.

Campus Tour Guide Says Foreigners “Weren’t Laughing at Our Jokes”

Sophomore tour guide Beckett Henderson expressed relief, noting how hard it was to explain why “that statue of John Harvard has a shiny toe and deep white guilt.”

“They just didn’t get our sarcasm,” Henderson said. “I told one German applicant that The Crimson was our version of Mein Kampf and he just nodded. That’s when I knew—we needed borders. Academic borders.”

Chinese Exchange Students “Confused but Unbothered,” Build Ivy Clone in Two Weeks

In response to the ban, a group of recently rejected Chinese applicants simply built an exact replica of Harvard in a suburb of Shenzhen, complete with a fake snow machine and a student body that finishes differential equations during lunch.

“We already hacked the syllabi,” said Xu Wei, the new dean of Ha’fu University. “Our version even includes lectures where students can ask questions without being accused of Marxism.”

Wei confirmed their motto would be “Veritas, but More Efficient.”

European Applicants Launch “Oxford Jr.” to Compete

Meanwhile, European students have pledged to enroll in what they’re calling “Oxford Jr.,” a cross between Hogwarts and a therapy-intensive liberal arts school. It’s currently being held in a goat barn in southern France with professors livestreaming via baguette-powered Wi-Fi.

“We didn’t want to go to Harvard anyway,” sniffed French applicant Amélie DuChamp. “They don’t even serve wine with their meal plans.”

Valedictorians Across Iowa Rejoice

Back home, American students who have never traveled more than 30 miles from their Dairy Queen now see their chance to shine.

“I once watched a YouTube video on Confucius,” said Timothy Bobson, valedictorian of Possum Creek High. “I’m basically multicultural.”

Admissions advisors say the new crop of applicants will be evaluated on “grit, gumption, and GPA inflation.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Foreign students at Harvard? That’s like inviting a Michelin chef to your potluck and getting mad when they won’t try the Jell-O salad.” — Ron White

“Harvard banning international students is like Tinder banning hot people because it’s unfair to the average.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“So now Harvard’s just a fancy DeVry with a rowing team?” — Sarah Silverman

“I’m just relieved. I thought I was the dumbest guy at Harvard. Turns out I was just the most local.” — Imaginary legacy student with a six-figure trust fund

Disclaimer

This piece is a work of satirical journalism and does not represent the real policies of Harvard University (yet). It was co-conceived by a tenured American Studies professor who only grades in Crayola, and a former philosophy major turned dairy farmer who once wrote a term paper on Hegel using only bumper stickers.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Sam Bankman-Fried Shaves 20 Years Off Sentence by Turning State’s Evidence…

“My Cellmate Was Quoting Das Kapital — I Had No Choice But to Snitch,” Says FTX Founder

Terminal Island, CA — In a shocking twist that has stunned both crypto bros and armchair revolutionaries, former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF) has reportedly shaved 20 years off his 25-year prison sentence by flipping like a pancake at a libertarian brunch.

But it wasn’t just corporate fraud he exposed — it was Karl Marx himself.

According to prison officials and a heavily redacted Substack post authored by SBF using a stolen Kindle, the disgraced crypto whiz kid became a model inmate after trading his crypto evangelism for full-blown McCarthyism.

“I used to believe in decentralization,” SBF told reporters through a grilled-cheese-shaped soap. “Now I believe in tattling and trickle-down loyalty points.”

State’s Evidence and the Dialectic of Betrayal

Insiders say SBF agreed to testify in over 73 unrelated cases, ranging from “techno-utopian mail fraud” to “emotionally manipulative astrology cults.”

But the real kicker? He submitted a 400-page denunciation of Karl Marx, which prison authorities described as “the best book report we’ve gotten since Enron.”

The essay, titled “From Each According to His Bail, To Each According to His Bail Bondsman”, reportedly blames Marx for:

• Encouraging Caroline Ellison to read “too much” philosophy

• Making Alameda Research think “risk” was just a social construct

• Inspiring crypto token names like “LeninCoin” and “NFTgulag69”

“The man took ‘Das Kapital’ and red-lined it like a WeWork lease,” said one assistant warden. “We gave him 20 years off and a commemorative Ayn Rand bathrobe.”

Comrade to Cop Caller: The Radical Rebrand

SBF’s turn from techno-idealist to government informant was not overnight, though close. After a tense poker game with a cellblock Marxist who quoted Gramsci between shivs, Bankman-Fried reportedly screamed:

“This isn’t praxis! This is tax fraud with extra syllables!”

He immediately asked to speak to “the nearest FBI agent or moderate Republican.”

Inmate Loyalty Programs and Sentence NFTs

His cooperation earned him perks, including:

• Early release credits

• An exclusive Subway punch card good for “one extra olive”

• A limited-edition DOJ NFT titled “SnitchCoin”

Rumors swirl that Netflix is already developing a new docudrama, “Breaking Bankman: From Bolshevik to Bounty Hunter.”

Tucker Carlson Interview Leaks Audio

In a leaked interview with Tucker Carlson (recorded through the wall with a spoon and a dream), SBF confessed:

“Once you see a man trade Bitcoin for ramen, you realize we were all living in a fantasy. Also, Marx had bad beard grooming and no risk management skills.”

Carlson, wearing a camo bowtie and a frown, asked if SBF believed in redemption.

“Only if it’s tokenized,” he replied.

What the Funny People Are Saying

1. “He flipped so hard, the prison guards thought he was pancakes.” — Sarah Silverman
2. “This is what happens when a TED Talk turns state’s witness.” — Jerry Seinfeld
3. “SBF just discovered capitalism… in prison.” — Ron White
4. “He’s the only guy who went to jail a billionaire and came out a Reaganite.” — Wanda Sykes

Sources:

Crypto Prisoners Form “Alt-Coinfidence” Support Group, Issue White Paper

Inside Terminal Island Federal Prison, a new inmate alliance known as “Alt-Coinfidence” has launched. Formed by Sam Bankman-Fried, Do Kwon, and a guy named “Ethereum Steve,” the group released a 37-page white paper outlining “re-decentralized emotional healing.” According to the manifesto, prison is “just a hard fork in the blockchain of life.” Members meet weekly in the laundry room, where they mine personal accountability using actual pickaxes. One section of the paper, titled “Proof of Trauma,” proposes a new token called “GUILTcoin,” which rewards inmates for honest confessions and vending machine reparations. The group promises no rug pulls—just occasional blanket thefts. A guard, requesting anonymity, said, “Honestly, they’re the most organized inmates we’ve ever seen. They built a DAO out of soap and resolve disputes through rock-paper-scissors smart contracts.” The paper ends with the phrase: “Inmates of the world, tokenize!”

Marxists Riot in Berkeley Over Book-Shredding Emoji Added to ChatGPT

Chaos erupted in Berkeley after news broke that ChatGPT had quietly introduced a book-shredding emoji——allegedly used in AI-generated satire involving Karl Marx. Hundreds of student-Marxists stormed the campus quad, chanting “Das Kapital Deserves Capitalization!” and “Down with Emojis, Up with Footnotes!” Several protestors clutched laminated copies of The Communist Manifesto, ironically printed on luxury hemp paper. Riot police were deployed but quickly converted to the cause after reading three Twitter threads on dialectical materialism. One sophomore organizer, who majors in “Revolutionary Screenwriting,” stated, “This emoji represents systemic epistemicide.” OpenAI issued a statement clarifying the emoji’s satire was directed at ideological rigidity, not any one economist with a beard that could house raccoons. Elon Musk chimed in via tweet: “Berkeley students need a firmware update.” By nightfall, the emoji was temporarily replaced by a shrugging octopus holding a Che Guevara mug.

Warden Admits Prison Library Now Run Like a DAO

Terminal Island Correctional Facility has gone fully Web3. In a groundbreaking reform initiative—or desperate bid for order—the prison warden announced that the library is now managed as a DAO (Decentralized Autonomous Organization). Every book checkout is voted on by token-holding inmates, and overdue fees are enforced through peer-to-peer pillow negotiations. “We no longer have librarians,” said Warden Chuck “Crypto Daddy” Reynolds. “We have stakeholder-narrators.” Sam Bankman-Fried was reportedly elected “Literacy Facilitator” after proposing a 10:1 book-to-commissary-token staking pool. Inmates earn $READ tokens by annotating Dostoevsky with prison slang and by completing Ayn Rand speed-reading marathons. The Dewey Decimal System was replaced with meme-based tagging, resulting in The Art of War being shelved under “Big Mood.” Asked if the system works, Reynolds shrugged: “Look, no one’s stolen the Nietzsche in three weeks. That’s either a win or a very ominous sign.”

SBF to Teach New Coursera Class: “Ethics 101: How Not to Get Caught”

Coursera has announced its most controversial hire yet: Sam Bankman-Fried, fresh off a 20-year sentence shave, will teach a new ethics class titled “Ethics 101: How Not to Get Caught.” Marketed to MBA students, corporate interns, and morally curious billionaires, the course promises “a masterclass in plausible deniability.” Lecture titles include: “Altruism and You (As a Tax Shelter),” “Offshore Empathy,” and “How to Say ‘I Don’t Recall’ in 13 Languages.” The syllabus ends with a final project where students must embezzle $10 million in simulated tokens and then write an apology letter that includes three literary references and zero admissions of guilt. Critics call the course “peak dystopia,” but Coursera’s stock jumped 19% after the press release. SBF will teach from prison via Zoom, wearing a sweater that says, “Who’s Morally Bankrupt Now?” Class materials include a branded flash drive and a scented candle called “Regret.”

Caroline Ellison Applies to Join Scientology, Claims “Less Cult-y Vibes”

In a move surprising no one and horrifying everyone, Caroline Ellison, former CEO of Alameda Research and SBF’s ex-girlfriend, has applied to join the Church of Scientology. “Compared to crypto,” she told reporters from a halfway house, “this feels downright normal.” Ellison said she found solace in Scientology’s “clean org charts” and “guaranteed afterlife without blockchain dependencies.” Church insiders say she’s been fast-tracked to Level 3 Clear after explaining yield farming with a whiteboard and two oranges. “Her thetan levels were erratic at first,” said one Sea Org member, “but she promised to tokenize them.” Critics accuse her of cult-hopping, but Ellison insists it’s just “a spiritual rebrand.” She also denied rumors that she tried to start her own sect called “The Temple of Tokenology.” When asked what drew her to Scientology, she replied, “I just wanted a pyramid scheme with better uniforms and fewer subpoenas.”

Disclaimer:
This story is entirely a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real events is either suspiciously accurate or deeply ironic. Sam Bankman-Fried’s actual sentence reduction involved no denunciation of Marxism… just your typical federal incentivized snitchery.

Auf Wiedersehen.

SBF’s Post-Marxist Rants From Prison

“Karl Marx invented a system where everyone shares… and nobody gets rich. It’s basically Open Source without the IPO.”

“Marxism is just capitalism with no customer support and all the bugs left in.”

“I thought Marx was about equality. Turns out it’s just everyone equally broke and waiting for lentils.”

“Reading The Communist Manifesto was like reading a bad crypto whitepaper—lots of theory, no roadmap, and zero liquidity.”

“Marx called religion the opium of the people. I ran a crypto exchange — and I still think that’s offensive to actual opioids.”

“If Marx were alive today, he’d be writing Substack essays about how money is a colonial construct while Venmo-requesting you for brunch.”

“Alameda Research failed because we tried to apply Marxist ‘redistribution.’ It turns out customers hate when their funds get redistributed into my Bahamian penthouse.”

“Marxists say ‘capital is theft’ — I say it’s only theft if your lawyers suck.”

“Every Marxist I met in prison had a commissary balance of $0.27 and three unpaid ramen debts. Inspiring stuff.”

“The only means of production I believe in now is a printing press for snitch reward checks.”

Tucker Carlson Applauds Snitches, Reveals Ayn Rand Tattoo on Lower Back

In a surprising segment on his new underground livestream, Tucker Carlson declared, “Snitching is the highest form of patriotism,” while lifting his shirt to reveal a lower-back tattoo of Ayn Rand riding a bald eagle. Carlson praised Sam Bankman-Fried for “finally embracing the American way: betray your friends for reduced sentencing and possibly a Netflix deal.” Critics were stunned not by his words, but by the tattoo’s font—Comic Sans. Sources close to Carlson say the tattoo was inked after binge-reading Atlas Shrugged and drinking unregulated kombucha. Tucker added, “Rand taught me everything. Mainly, how to be the hero and the victim in every story.” In related news, Rand’s estate declined comment, but issued a cease-and-desist letter to Carlson’s pelvis. Freedom, apparently, now comes with SPF 50 and lower-back regret.