Inside the Grotto: Jamie Kennedy, the Playboy Mansion, and America’s Last Indoor Lagoon of Lust

The Grotto of Eden (If Eden Had Jacuzzis, Mystery Fluids, and a Very Confused Jamie Kennedy)

Some places are hallowed grounds. The Roman Forum. The Great Pyramids. The Chick-fil-A in Wichita Falls that still has a ball pit. But for a solid three decades, America’s most notorious archaeological marvel was buried in the hills of Los Angeles, behind a gate that could only be unlocked with a firm handshake and a loose moral code. Yes, we’re talking about the Playboy Mansion’s Grotto — where dreams were made, infections were shared, and comedians like Jamie Kennedy were somehow granted VIP wristbands.

Last week, Kennedy broke the sacred seal on grotto secrecy by casually revealing that “you didn’t have to be rich or famous — you just had to have a pulse and be cool” to gain access. Forensic sociologists refer to this as “The Great Democratization of Debauchery.” We simply call it Tuesday at the Mansion.

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Where Water Went to Die (and Possibly Reproduce)

Multiple unnamed health officials we definitely didn’t invent confirm that the grotto water once tested positive for:

• Three types of sunscreen never approved by the FDA

• An entire mojito

• Two strands of DNA not previously found on Earth

One disgraced epidemiologist — Dr. Darren McGroin, now working out of the back room of a Long Beach vape shop — claims the grotto may have “spontaneously evolved its own bacterial ecosystem that achieved sentience and tried to unionize in 2007.”

Even Jamie Kennedy himself admitted he once brought a drink into the grotto and walked out with “an unwanted feeling of closeness to humanity.”

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Social Darwinism in Swim Trunks

The real magic of the grotto wasn’t the nudity or the nudity or, again, the nudity. No — it was the way it leveled the playing field.

As Jamie put it, “You’d see a janitor from Van Nuys with three women. The dude looked like he just got off a shift at Arby’s. That was beautiful.”

Sociologists call this The Grotto Effect, in which the traditional hierarchies of wealth, status, and basic grooming collapsed the moment a fog machine went off and someone shouted, “Who brought the flamingo?”

In fact, a 2009 University of Arizona study (which has since been redacted after the university president’s wife recognized herself in the data) found that 47% of all hookups in the grotto occurred between people who otherwise wouldn’t share an elevator.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“The Grotto was like a sauna if your main goal was to leave with trauma.” — Ron White

“It’s weird — there were more cameras than in a Walgreens, but somehow nobody remembered anything.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“It wasn’t a party. It was an adult Chuck E. Cheese with syphilis.” — Chris Rock

“I walked in, I slipped on body oil, and I slid straight into someone’s second marriage.” — Sarah Silverman

“There was a guy selling bootleg condoms outside the grotto. He had a punch card.” — Larry David

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Helpful Content for SpinTaxi Readers: Should You Host Your Own Grotto-Themed Party?

We interviewed some party-planning experts, a Vegas hypnotist, and one guy who used to clean the tanks at SeaWorld. Here’s what they had to say:

• Don’t fill your tub with mystery water. Stick to filtered water and not a piña colada you found behind the couch.

• Get insurance. Like, a lot of insurance. For your guests, your house, and your future lawsuits.

• Install blacklights. So people know what to avoid.

• Make a playlist that includes nothing from the ’90s. Unless you want Jamie Kennedy to show up uninvited.

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Part 2 Coming Up:

• The man who claimed he fathered triplets in the grotto and now runs a kombucha stand in Pasadena.

• Why the CDC briefly considered declaring the Playboy Mansion a wetland conservation site.

• And: What the water actually whispered to Paris Hilton in 2005.

Auf Wiedersehen. Want to keep going with Part 2?

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What Lies Beneath: The Grotto’s Forgotten Fluids, Whispering Water, and the Kombucha Prophet of Pasadena

The Man Who Claims the Grotto Made Him a Father (to Fluids, Not People)

Meet Dale “Trip Daddy” Bruckner, a former karaoke DJ and amateur cologne chemist who claims the Playboy Mansion’s grotto is the biological father of his children. Dale insists he conceived triplets during a foam party in 2003, though all he remembers is waking up between a saxophone player from Miami and a woman wearing nothing but a cape and a voter registration form.

“I just know I wasn’t alone in that water,” Dale said, sipping from a mason jar labeled “spiritual juice.” “That grotto had a pulse. And when I got out, I felt reborn. And slightly itchy.”

He’s since opened a kombucha stand in Pasadena called Grotto Grains, where the drinks are fermented with “ancestral spring essence” and a laminated photo of Hugh Hefner.

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The CDC’s 2006 Internal Memo: “This Is a Biohazard, Not a Birthday Party”

We obtained a leaked 2006 CDC memo, stamped “URGENT – DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING”, in which agency officials debated whether to designate the grotto as:

• A Superfund Site

• A sexually active tide pool

• Or simply “unholy water”

An anonymous whistleblower from within the agency (codename: “Dr. Slippery”) claimed that swabs from the grotto yielded trace elements of:

• Fluoxetine

• Champagne

• Nutella

• Something that closely resembled human ambition

In a controversial ruling, the CDC’s final classification of the Playboy Mansion’s grotto was:

“Technically not illegal… but unwise.”

This decision, according to FOIA-released emails, was made after a deputy director admitted to “having a surprisingly good time there once in 1999.”

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Grotto Water: The Consciousness-Expanding Liquid of the 2000s

Forget ayahuasca. Forget peyote. The Playboy Grotto’s water was described by guests as:

• “Spiritual Robitussin”

• “A portal to your worst decisions”

• “A warm, carbonated fog of forgiveness and herpes”

Paris Hilton once claimed the water whispered a stock tip to her, which she ignored, but “still felt empowered.”

Britney Spears reportedly dipped one toe in and briefly remembered her Social Security number, while Ashton Kutcher emerged after a cannonball yelling, “I just solved a proof of God and it smells like shrimp cocktail!”

This water, according to unverified lore, could:

• Reveal your spirit animal (usually a raccoon or a strip mall attorney)

• Remove inhibitions and your watch

• Help you forget your name but remember every word to “Thong Song”

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False Analogies and Grotto Logic

Let’s be clear: The grotto was not a hot tub. A hot tub implies warmth, filtration, and some semblance of control. The grotto was more like:

• A bio-reactive cuddle cauldron

• A liquid fraternity hazing ritual

• Woodstock, if it were sponsored by Red Bull and regrettable tattoos

As Jamie Kennedy astutely noted: “It was the great equalizer.”

That’s not a metaphor — that’s a viable chemical description. Scientists now believe the pH balance in the grotto was so off that it may have erased class distinction via skin osmosis.

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What the Funny People Are Still Saying

“If that water had rights, it would’ve sued for overexposure.” — Amy Schumer

“I once found a fake Rolex, a stiletto, and a guy named Steve in there — and I was only in it for ten seconds.” — Larry David

“Honestly, the grotto gave me flashbacks to Woodstock ’99. Except with better lighting and fewer fires.” — Chris Rock

“The water didn’t judge you. The water couldn’t. It was too busy metabolizing tequila.” — Ron White

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Breaking: Grotto DNA Now Sold as NFT

In a shocking twist, tech startup AquaSins.io has announced the sale of “Grotto Water Legacy DNA NFTs,” which supposedly contain microscopic samples of the original grotto fluid harvested from a souvenir bikini top found in a defunct Hot Topic in Glendale.

For only $999.99 (or one disappointing Dogecoin transaction), you too can own a pixelated JPEG of a water droplet that possibly once touched Scott Baio.

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Coming Next in Part 3:

• The full CDC warning issued in 2010 that was buried in the same vault as Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl nipple

• A full fake eyewitness account from someone who met their soulmate in the grotto — only to find out she was a regional manager for Jamba Juice

• Theories that the grotto is still active — and alive

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Secrets of the Soak: The Grotto That Refused to Die — and the Woman From Jamba Juice

The Jamba Juice Love Story That Shook the Chlorine Gods

Among the countless romances forged under Hefner’s humid moonlight, none is more tragic, inspiring, and smoothie-adjacent than the tale of Bradley “Bro-Chad” Ventura, a mid-level assistant stuntman who entered the grotto looking for networking opportunities and emerged four hours later claiming he’d found “his wife, his purpose, and his missing flip-flop.”

Her name was Amberleigh, and she looked like “a Malibu mermaid mixed with a credit score over 780.” They kissed beneath a fiber-optic waterfall and pledged eternal lust under the plastic Venus de Milo statue.

Six weeks later, she dumped him in a Jamba Juice parking lot while wearing a headset and blending wheatgrass. He swore revenge, or at least a scathing Yelp review.

He now leads a men’s retreat called Grotto Warriors: Reclaim Your Mist Fog Power, which meets weekly behind a strip mall Red Lobster and only accepts members who’ve had at least one mysterious rash.

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The 2010 CDC Memo That Was Buried Deeper Than Jimmy Hoffa

In 2010, the CDC drafted a document titled “Playboy Grotto: A Multi-Fluid Risk Analysis”, which concluded:

“The average person exiting the grotto has more unidentifiable chemical residue than a drug-sniffing dog at a Burning Man port-a-potty.”

Among the highlights:

• The grotto water contained 20% tanning oil, 12% vodka, and 3% raw charisma

• Bacteria cultured from the tiles formed a “social club” with its own bylaws

• One strain of fungal growth was allegedly dating a nurse from Cedars-Sinai

But the report was swiftly classified after a CDC intern “accidentally” uploaded it to a fantasy football Slack channel.

To this day, the only publicly released line is:
“This is not a pool. This is an outbreak in soup form.”

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The Grotto Is Still Alive — And Possibly Dating a Kardashian

A 2024 TikTok post by @GrottoTruther88 claimed that the grotto water, sealed in vintage Mason jars and hidden in a Malibu storage unit, reanimated itself, smashed through tempered glass, and “slithered” toward the Pacific Ocean.

The video includes blurry footage of what looks like a moist ripple in the sand, accompanied by an ominous sloshing noise and the faint whisper, “You up?”

Sources close to the Kardashians (a guy who once held Kourtney’s umbrella) believe one of them may already be in a situationship with this aquatic menace. Rumor has it the sentient water now goes by the name “Groto” and identifies as liquid-fluid.

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What the Funny People Are Whispering Now

“The grotto was the only body of water where you could catch mono and a six-figure Netflix deal in the same weekend.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“At one point, the water asked me for a cigarette. I gave it one.” — Ron White

“Even I wouldn’t do stand-up in there. Too wet. Too weird. Too many ex-boyfriends in swim trunks.” — Amy Schumer

“It’s not that the grotto changed people. It’s that it revealed who they already were — tacky and damp.” — Larry David

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Final Warning from the Surgeon General (Probably)

A fake-but-accurate Surgeon General poster now circulates on dark web forums. It reads:

WARNING: Prolonged exposure to Playboy Grotto environments may cause:

• Sudden career changes

• Mysterious Facebook friend requests from women named “Candi”

• Inexplicable interest in DJing

• Skin that glows in blacklight even after baptism

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Helpful Content for SpinTaxi Readers:

Signs You May Have Been in the Grotto (and Should Seek Spiritual Antibiotics)

• You hear whispers every time you step in the shower

• Your loofah has a tan line

• You develop an unexplained affinity for Ed Hardy cologne

• You remember nothing… but you feel… moistly triumphant

If you suspect you’ve been in the grotto — or a similarly cursed jacuzzi — consult a priest, a pharmacist, and a podiatrist.

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Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed in the making of this exposé, but several pool noodles were emotionally compromised.

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15 Observations Inspired by Jamie Kennedy’s Playboy Mansion Grotto Memories

The Grotto Was Basically a Hot Tub Time Machine, Minus the Time Travel and Plus the STDs
If you stuck your toe in the water, you might come out with a tattoo and a baby you didn’t order.

Every Guy in the Grotto Looked Like They Got Lost on the Way to a Dave & Buster’s
Nothing says “playboy” like cargo shorts and an “I’m With Stupid” T-shirt.

Hugh Hefner’s Parties Were the Only Place Where You Could Be a Plumber and Still Get a Lap Dance from a Danish Supermodel
It was like LinkedIn, if LinkedIn smelled like Axe body spray and broken dreams.

Nobody Ever Knew What Was in the Grotto Water — But It Definitely Had a High Percentage of Regret
You don’t go in to swim. You go in to lose your dignity in a warm, moist cloud of mystery fluids.

The Grotto Had More DNA Than a Crime Lab
CSI refused to film there. Even they had boundaries.

Jamie Kennedy Wasn’t Even the Weirdest Person in There
There was a guy with a possum on his shoulder giving life advice to a Victoria’s Secret model.

It Was the Only Place on Earth Where You Could See Snoop Dogg, a Hedge Fund Manager, and a Clown from Reno All Flirting with the Same Woman
And she was married to a magician named Randy.

The Mansion Grotto Was the Original Metaverse — Just with Less Consent and More Towels
Except your avatar smelled like tequila and tanning lotion.

Half the People at the Party Didn’t Even Know Who Hefner Was
They thought he was a retired pharmacist who wandered into the pool area.

The Grotto Was the Only Place You Could Catch Hepatitis and a Film Deal in the Same Night
Hollywood networking, baby. Shake hands, make deals, take penicillin.

There Were More Silicone-Based Lifeforms in That Water Than in a Marvel Movie
Everyone floated — even people who didn’t know how to swim. Thanks to engineering.

At Hef’s Party, Even the Caterers Got Numbers
You came to serve shrimp; you left with a girlfriend named Misty and a suspicious rash.

Jamie Said He Walked in with a Drink and Left with Existential Dread
Which, oddly enough, is also how most people felt after watching Son of the Mask.

You Didn’t Need to Be Rich or Famous, Just Available and Ignorant of Waterborne Parasites
It wasn’t who you were — it was how long you could hold your breath.

The Real Mystery Was: Who Cleaned the Grotto?
Or maybe nobody did. Maybe it just evolved into its own sentient life form around 2003.

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The post The Playboy Mansion: America’s Last Lustful Location appeared first on Bohiney News.

Sam Altman’s Firing Was Just a Little Boardroom Genocide: A Comedy of AIrrors

It started over sashimi.

Peter Thiel, famed venture capitalist and recreational doomsday prepper, leaned over a glistening plate of Japanese avant-garde cuisine in L.A.’s Arts District and told Sam Altman—CEO of OpenAI and part-time AI godfather—that his company was infiltrated.

“You don’t understand,” Thiel whispered, likely while dramatically holding chopsticks like a Bond villain. “Half your company is full of Eliezer Yudkowsky acolytes who think Siri is going to murder us all.”

Altman blinked.

Then, like any reasonable man being warned that his billion-dollar startup is spiritually possessed by philosophy majors with messiah complexes, he picked at his vegan tempura and silently screamed.

Thus began the most dramatic corporate breakup since Ross said, “We were on a break.”

The Sushi Heard ‘Round the World

Altman’s OpenAI was riding high. ChatGPT was printing dopamine for the masses. Tech stocks soared. Everyone from the Pope to the Pope’s IT guy wanted a selfie with Sam. By all metrics, he was Silicon Valley’s prom king.

But behind the vegan tasting menu and GPT-generated press releases, the board of OpenAI was quietly organizing an intellectual coup worthy of a Succession writer’s room.

The reason? Sam Altman was “not consistently candid.”

That’s right. They fired the face of modern artificial intelligence not for fraud, or theft, or misuse of company funds—but because he was just a little too good at dodgeball.

Altman, like a human version of a browser history set to “incognito,” apparently forgot to mention a few tiny details—like launching GPT-4 in India, skipping safety protocols, and owning OpenAI’s Startup Fund personally.

Sam’s Side Hustles Were a Full-Time Job

At the time of his firing, Altman was running OpenAI, managing a fund, building AI chips, whispering to Congress, doing TED Talks in his sleep, and spiritually guiding three dozen AI startups.

One employee compared working for Altman to “being on a rocket ship without a seatbelt while the pilot’s multitasking on six other rockets.”

“I once emailed Sam for PTO approval,” said an exhausted engineer. “He replied by launching a satellite.”

The Board’s Plan: Fire Sam, Ghost Microsoft, Pray

On November 16, 2023, four board members held the most important Zoom call since your aunt accidentally turned herself into a potato on Thanksgiving 2020.

They voted to fire Altman. They didn’t tell Microsoft, their largest investor. They didn’t tell employees. They didn’t even tell the office vending machine, which reportedly stopped dispensing snacks in protest.

Instead, they hit “publish” on a vague blog post:

“Sam Altman is no longer employed at OpenAI. He was not consistently candid. That is all. Please do not feed the AI.”

Satya Nadella, CEO of Microsoft, found out the same way the rest of us did: refreshing Twitter in the bathroom.

GPT-4 Might Be Safer Than the Humans Running It

The irony is delicious: a company obsessed with making AI align with human values can’t even align humans with each other.

OpenAI had created a joint safety board with Microsoft to monitor releases. But apparently, Altman believed “joint” meant “optional.” Products were launched, rules were skipped, and the board learned about GPT-4’s Indian rollout from an engineer gossiping in the hallway—literally the startup version of overhearing your boyfriend is cheating from a barista.

One board member described it as “finding out your house is on fire after the marshmallows are roasted.”

Slack: The Smoking Gun of Silicon Valley

In a plot twist worthy of a high school group project gone wrong, Altman’s downfall was documented in Slack threads and PDF printouts from a Gmail account with self-destructing emails.

It turns out that when your management style involves gaslighting the CTO, triangulating your co-founders, and deploying rogue products, your company’s internal comms begin to resemble Watergate—but with emojis.

One document included a Slack message where Altman told Mira Murati (OpenAI’s CTO) that legal had approved GPT-4 Turbo’s launch. When she checked, legal replied: “Huh?”

Another screenshot just said “:fire: :rocket: :lie_detector:” which feels about right.

Mira Murati: The Whistleblower Who Un-Whistleblew Herself

Murati initially helped take down Altman, citing his “toxic” leadership and the fact that Greg Brockman (Altman’s loyal sidekick) kept overriding her authority like a Roomba with a superiority complex.

But the moment Sam was fired, Murati flipped like a Cirque du Soleil performer on a Red Bull IV.

She signed the employee letter demanding Altman’s reinstatement. In 48 hours, she went from “he must go” to “bring him back or I riot.”

This marked the first known case of reverse-whistleblowing, or as philosophers now call it: “The Murati Maneuver.”

Sutskever’s Plan: Democracy via Coup, Regret via Email

Chief Scientist Ilya Sutskever, once the Jedi of OpenAI, helped orchestrate Altman’s ouster and then expected a standing ovation from employees.

Instead, they signed a mutiny letter. Even the interns. One office plant tried to sign it.

Sutskever quickly added his name to the letter too, like a kid who sets the gym on fire and then joins the fire brigade.

Some say his internal monologue sounded like, “Et tu, Me?”

Brockman: Loyal Sidekick or AI Court Jester?

Greg Brockman was removed from the board the same day, mostly because Mira Murati refused to report to someone who thought “transparency” meant forwarding one out-of-context Slack screenshot every lunar eclipse.

Altman had been promising both Sutskever and another researcher, Jakub Pachocki, they could lead the same department—like a wedding officiated by a pathological liar.

This led to two teams merging, a leadership vacuum, and a research roadmap that looked like spaghetti thrown at a whiteboard.

The Real Reason? Board Members Were Just Tired of Being Gaslit by a Cyborg

Altman may not be a robot, but he’s definitely running some next-gen firmware. His ability to dodge accountability was so refined, GPT-5 now trains on transcripts of his one-on-ones.

“He’s the only guy who could launch an AI model, deny he launched it, then gaslight you into believing you launched it,” said one staffer. “And he does it with this weird humbleface. Like a Buddhist monk who just committed securities fraud.”

Thiel’s Advice Was Strangely Prophetic (And Kind of Petty)

Thiel warned Altman the EA crowd would destroy him. He was half-right. It wasn’t because they were wrong—it’s because he said it during a dinner party like a Bond villain with a Google Doc.

He compared OpenAI’s internal philosophy debates to cult warfare. Which is rich, coming from a man who funded a blood-harvesting startup and openly supports immortality via libertarianism.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Sam Altman got fired for lying too well. That’s like kicking Picasso out of art school because his paintings were too weird.” — Ron White

“If your company values transparency and you fire the CEO without telling anyone, maybe your values need a software update.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Altman’s board said he was ‘not consistently candid.’ Bruh, that’s just a startup founder with a subscription to Notion and trauma.” — Amy Schumer

“They ran OpenAI like a commune where everyone thinks they’re the only one who knows what ‘alignment’ means.” — Dave Chappelle

A Very Helpful SpinTaxi Guide: How to Survive a Firing by Your Own Board

1. Always Have Microsoft on Speed Dial
Nothing says “you messed up” like Satya Nadella calling from a private jet and asking, “WTF?”

2. Become So Irreplaceable They Beg You Back
Altman was rehired faster than most of us can reset a Gmail password.

3. Train your team to revolt in your absence
Altman’s loyal employees signed a company-wide rebellion. All he had to do was exist.

4. If you’re going to gaslight people, use Slack so there’s a paper trail
Classic mistake. Real villains use Telegram.

5. Drop vague philosophical quotes in meetings
Saying things like “The AGI is within us” or “Reality is merely a prompt” will distract people for days.

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The Satirical Autopsy: What Really Happened?

Was Altman fired because he was a chaotic visionary who bent reality like Neo with better lighting?

Yes.

Was the board a mix of academics, philosophers, and HR consultants whose idea of decisive action involved reading each other’s Substack posts?

Also yes.

In the end, Altman returned. Sutskever apologized. Microsoft installed tracking beacons in every coffee cup. And OpenAI went back to doing what it does best: building sentient machines under the watchful eye of deeply unqualified philosophers with dual degrees in bioethics and low-stakes panic.

We may never know the real reason Sam Altman was fired.

But we do know one thing: whatever happens next will absolutely be announced via Slack, leaked to Twitter, and denied in a New Yorker profile.

Because that’s how the future works now.

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Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any similarity to actual facts is purely coincidental, unless it’s hilarious, in which case it was obviously intentional.

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15 Observations Based on the WSJ Deep Dive

1. Peter Thiel Gives Business Advice Over Sushi Like a Fortune Cookie on Steroids
   Thiel warned Altman over vegan tempura that “half your company is brainwashed by AI doomers,” which sounds less like business intel and more like a rejected plot for Black Mirror: Omakase Edition.

2. Effective Altruism Has Evolved Into ‘Ineffective Office Politics’
   The EA crowd shifted from saving starving children to saving hypothetical future robots from hurt feelings. At this point, the movement might be powered by AI-generated anxiety.

3. Altman Was “CEO” in Title, “Shadow Emperor” in Practice
   The board technically had power, but Sam wielded influence like Gandalf at a Hogwarts PTA meeting. “The board can fire me,” he said. He just didn’t expect them to actually do it.

4. GPT-4 Might Have Triggered More Existential Dread Than Climate Change
   The board saw a demo of GPT-4 and immediately began drafting wills, manifestos, and Doomsday bunker lease agreements.

5. Murati and Sutskever Pulled Off the Tech World’s First Whisper Coup
   They secretly coordinated over Slack and encrypted PDFs to execute the most polite backstab since Caesar asked, “Et tu, bro?”

6. Altman’s Definition of ‘No Equity’ Is Like Saying You Don’t Own the Ferrari—You Just Drive It Every Day
   Altman had “no equity,” but quietly owned OpenAI’s Startup Fund. Somewhere, Elizabeth Holmes is blushing.

7. Microsoft Was Not Told—But Definitely Noticed
   Satya Nadella learned Altman was fired after the blog post went up. He immediately called his therapist and lawyer. At once.

8. Altman’s Leadership Style? Think Steve Jobs, If He Delegated Through Cryptic Slack Emojis
   He’d pit execs against each other like it was Survivor: Neural Net Edition, making promises to multiple people for the same job.

9. The Board Was Shocked—SHOCKED!—That Their Secret Plot Had Consequences
   After firing Altman, they were surprised people cared. Maybe they expected applause? Confetti? A standing ovation from Siri?

10. Murati Flipped Sides Like a Well-Trained AI Model Prompted by a Larger Dataset
    First she provided evidence against Altman. Then she signed the employee letter demanding his return. Consistency is for carbon-based lifeforms.

11. Sutskever Was Branded a Traitor by Altman’s Army of Loyal Nerds
    He expected the staff to thank him. Instead, they turned faster than a Tesla in Ludicrous Mode.

12. Altman Had More Comebacks Than a Marvel Superhero
    Fired Friday. Rehired Monday. Next time he’ll probably just teleport back through an API call.

13. The Board Voted via Zoom Call Like It Was Fantasy Football Draft Night
    “Okay, I vote to fire Sam and bench Brockman. Also, I’m starting GPT-4 as my QB.”

14. Slack Messages Became the Smoking Gun
    Internal documentation of lies, bullying, and rogue AI rollouts were stored in Slack like it was Nixon’s Watergate tapes—but with more emojis.

15. Altman Made AI Look Safe Compared to His Own Management Style
    When you’re building machines that could end civilization, the people running it shouldn’t also be described as “mercurial” and “cryptic.”

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The post Sam Altman’s Firing appeared first on Bohiney News.

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Who Runs Columbia University? An Investigation

In the hallowed halls of Columbia University, where ivy clings to the walls as tenaciously as students cling to their coffee cups during finals, a new question has emerged: Who’s really in charge here? Is it the esteemed faculty, the diligent administrators, or, as some satirical reports suggest, organizations like Hamas and Hezbollah? Let’s embark on a tongue-in-cheek journey to unravel this academic enigma.

The Campus Takeover: From Lectures to Levant

Once upon a time, Columbia was renowned for its rigorous academics and vibrant student life. But according to our satirical sources, things took a turn when international organizations decided that influencing Middle Eastern politics wasn’t enough—they needed to weigh in on Ivy League curricula.

Expert Opinions from the Middle East

Dr. Ima Jokester, a fictional expert from the Institute of Satirical Studies, notes, “It’s only logical. After years of geopolitical strategizing, the next step for any organization is obviously to delve into university governance. Where else can you find such heated debates and passionate disagreements?”

The Great Distraction: Trading Conflict for Campus Policies

In a surprising twist, these organizations have allegedly become so engrossed in shaping Columbia’s policies that they’ve momentarily paused their other activities. Our satirical investigation reveals that drafting university bylaws and attending faculty meetings have taken precedence over their usual agendas.

Changes Within the Organizations: MTGA (Make Terrorism Great Again)

In response to their newfound academic interests, there’s talk of rebranding efforts. The proposed MTGA movement aims to shift focus from international conflicts to more pressing issues like tenure disputes and cafeteria food quality. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton; let’s see if it pays off.

Columbia’s Return to Academia: A Glimmer of Hope

With these organizations knee-deep in academic bureaucracy, Columbia might just have the chance to return to its roots as a place of learning and intellectual exploration. Students can look forward to a campus where the most heated debates are over which library is the best study spot.

Student Reactions: A Mixed Bag

Freshman Jane Doe comments, “It’s refreshing! Now, instead of dodging protests, I can focus on dodging my responsibilities like a normal student.”

Conclusion: A New Era for Columbia?

As we conclude this satirical exposé, one thing is clear: the landscape of university governance is as unpredictable as ever. Whether or not these organizations truly have a say in Columbia’s affairs is up for debate, but the mere notion provides ample fodder for campus comedians and satirists alike.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and in no way reflects the actual governance or affiliations of Columbia University. Any resemblance to real persons or entities is purely coincidental. Auf Wiedersehen!

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“I heard Hamas and Hezbollah took over Columbia—finally, some structure in the Philosophy Department!”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“Columbia students are confused. They thought ‘guerrilla warfare’ was a new improv troupe.”
— Ron White

“Apparently, Hezbollah wrote the new Diversity Statement. It begins, ‘Death to midterm grading curves.’”
— Amy Schumer

“Hamas said they’re not anti-Semitic. They just hate overpriced textbooks and Zionist bagels.”
— Larry David

“Campus police said the new threat level is ‘mildly offended but well-organized.’”
— Sarah Silverman

“MTGA? Make Terrorism Great Again? Great—just what we need, another hat-based movement with delusions of grandeur.”
— Chris Rock

“Columbia’s student body now identifies as ‘militantly undecided.’”
— Tina Fey

“The terrorists promised not to bomb midterms… but only if they’re open book.”
— Billy Crystal

“Columbia used to be a university. Now it’s the U.N. with dorm rooms and tuition debt.”
— Jon Stewart

“First they came for the vending machines. Then they came for the Board of Trustees.”
— Dave Chappelle

“Even Hezbollah was like, ‘We were gonna destabilize the region, but that Gender Studies final was a real bitch.’”
— Roseanne Barr

“I don’t know who’s running Columbia anymore—could be Hamas, could be the Sociology Department. Either way, someone’s getting tenure they didn’t earn.”
— Bill Burr

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15 Observations on the Satirical Theme of Terrorist Groups Influencing Columbia University

1. Terrorist Organizations as University Administrators

Isn’t it funny how some folks think terrorist groups like Hamas and Hezbollah are now running Columbia University? I mean, what’s next? Al-Qaeda heading up the PTA?​

2. The New Core Curriculum: Explosives 101

Imagine the course catalog: “This semester, learn the fundamentals of Improvised Devices with Professor Jihad.” Talk about a blast in class!​

3. Campus Protests: From Sit-ins to Siege Tactics

Remember when college protests were about peace and love? Now, it’s like they’re auditioning for a role in “Call of Duty.”​New York Post

4. Graduation Ceremonies with Rocket Launchers

“Congratulations, Class of 2025! Please accept your diplomas and complimentary RPGs.” That’s one way to motivate students to aim high.​ Middle East Forum

5. Financial Aid from the Axis of Evil

Forget FAFSA; students are now applying for scholarships from organizations that make the Mafia look like a charity.​Congress.gov

6. Study Abroad in Conflict Zones

“This year, our exchange program takes you to the beautiful, war-torn regions of the Middle East. Don’t forget your flak jacket!”​

7. Campus Security Training with Militants

Who needs campus police when you’ve got insurgents conducting safety drills? “In case of emergency, please follow the guy with the AK-47.”​

8. Faculty Meetings with Warlords

Imagine the staff lounge: “Professor Smith, meet your new colleague, General Destruction. He’ll be teaching Conflict Resolution.”​Wikipedia

9. Terrorist Groups Hosting Alumni Events

“Join us for a night of reminiscing and revolution. Don’t forget to bring your own balaclava.”​The Guardian

10. Campus Bookstore Selling Manifestos

Why buy textbooks when you can get the latest edition of “Insurgency for Dummies”? It’s a real page-turner.​

11. Cheerleaders with Grenades

“Give me a B! Give me an O! Give me an O—wait, where’s the pin on this thing?”​

12. Fraternities Pledging to Rebel Leaders

“This semester, Alpha Beta is proud to announce our new pledge master: Commander Chaos. Initiation just got intense.”​New York Post

13. Cafeteria Serving MREs

Forget gourmet dining; students are now enjoying Meals Ready to Explode. Bon appétit!​

14. Student Government Enforcing Martial Law

Who needs democracy when your student council has a militia? Elections just got a lot more interesting.​

15. Mascot Changes to a Suicide Bomber

“Go Fightin’ Bombers! Our team spirit is the bomb—literally.”​

Note: These observations are purely satirical and not reflective of actual events or endorsements.

The post Who Runs Columbia University? appeared first on Bohiney News.

Trump Demands Recount After Losing Checkers Game to 8-Year-Old

A Game of Kings, Pawns, and Tiny Tyrants

In what can only be described as the most stunning upset in the history of backyard board games—and possibly in American politics—a heated checkers match between former President Donald Trump and a precocious 8-year-old champion has erupted into a full-blown recount scandal. On a warm, sunny afternoon at Mar-a-Lago’s luxurious poolside pavilion, a checkers board became the arena for an epic clash of wits, where one side boasted the swagger of a former commander-in-chief and the other, the determined gaze of a child whose only qualification was a sharp mind honed on countless hours of recess strategy.

Eyewitnesses report that as the game neared its climax, Trump’s board position began to crumble like a sandcastle in a tide. With each decisive jump by the pint-sized opponent, Trump’s signature bluster gave way to an ever-mounting fury. “I don’t know what game this is, but it’s rigged!” he bellowed, his voice echoing over the manicured lawns. “I demand a recount! I demand fairness! This is the most disgraceful thing I’ve ever seen!”

The Checkers Controversy: More Than Just Child’s Play

The incident, which started as a friendly challenge to pass the time during an off-day golf session, quickly evolved into a media frenzy. Political pundits, playground parents, and even professional checkers players have since weighed in on what is being dubbed “The Great Checkers Recount.” Initially, the match was intended as a lighthearted diversion—an opportunity for Trump to showcase his “tremendous” tactical skills against the brilliant mind of young Timmy Thompson, a local third-grader renowned for his strategic play. However, as the final moves unfolded on the checkered battlefield, the scorecard revealed an incontrovertible fact: Timmy had bested Trump.

According to multiple sources at the event, the turning point came when the child executed a double jump that left Trump’s king piece trapped in a precarious position. “I was watching from the sidelines, and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” recalled one aide. “One minute, Trump was bragging about his ‘yuge’ potential, and the next, he was fuming because a kid outsmarted him at his own game.”

Trump’s immediate response was not to congratulate his opponent or even reflect on his own gameplay. Instead, he demanded a formal recount of every move—a recount not unlike those he once insisted were necessary during contentious presidential elections. “We need transparency,” he declared. “This game was a disaster. I want every jump, every slide, every move recounted by independent experts. I’ll have them review the tapes and even the chalk dust on the board if we have to!”

The Political Implications of a Checkers Recount

Political analysts are now scrambling to interpret the implications of this seemingly trivial incident. Some suggest that the checkers game could serve as a microcosm for the broader political battles that have defined Trump’s public life. “It’s a metaphor,” explains Dr. Eleanor Strategos, a professor of political humor at the University of Satire and Irony. “Trump sees every loss as a betrayal—a sign that the system is rigged against him, whether it’s a presidential election or a simple board game against a precocious child.”

Social media erupted in response to the news, with hashtags such as #CheckersGate, #RecountTheBoard, and #KidWins echoing across Twitter and Facebook. Memes circulated wildly, featuring images of a tiny champion brandishing a checkers king piece, while Trump’s cartoonish caricature is shown furiously demanding a recount as if he were presiding over an election night in 2016. Political satirists have pointed out that if Trump can’t handle losing a checkers game, how can he possibly lead a country?

Expert Opinions: When Childhood Meets the Oval Office

In an exclusive interview with our satirical desk, renowned checkers grandmaster and retired circus clown, Mr. Reginald “Red” Rook, weighed in on the game. “I’ve seen many games in my day—games with strategy, games with heart—but never have I seen a recount demanded over checkers by someone who’s never played a real game before,” Rook quipped, his tone part incredulity and part amusement. “It’s like a clown demanding a rematch after losing at musical chairs. You know it’s not really about the game; it’s about the principle of it all.”

Dr. Strategos adds, “This is a classic case of overreaction. Losing a game to an 8-year-old is bound to ruffle anyone’s feathers, but Trump’s response highlights a persistent belief that every loss is a personal affront. In his mind, the board is rigged, and the world is conspiring to make him look foolish—whether it’s in politics or checkers.”

Parents of young Timmy, meanwhile, express a mix of pride and concern. “I’m thrilled my son got to experience the spotlight,” said Mrs. Thompson, Timmy’s mother, beaming with pride. “But I worry that if a simple game of checkers can turn into such a political debacle, what does that say about our society? It’s like watching a reality TV show, but with actual consequences.”

A Recount Unlike Any Other

In an unexpected twist, Trump’s recount team has been mobilized faster than a campaign rally. Sources reveal that the team—consisting of former campaign staffers, statisticians with degrees in ‘alternative facts,’ and a couple of disillusioned playground monitors—has gathered at a secret location. Their task: to scrutinize every square of the checkers board, re-interview the witnesses, and even consult the chalk used to mark the board. “We’re going deep,” one team member stated. “We’ll leave no stone unturned, no square unchecked. If there’s any chance that a foul occurred, we’ll find it.”

Critics are quick to point out the absurdity of such an effort. Political satirist and self-declared checkers enthusiast, Ms. Valerie Victory, noted, “This recount is more of a publicity stunt than a genuine attempt to resolve a dispute. It’s a microcosm of the post-truth era—where facts are negotiable and even the simplest game can be rigged in the mind of a defeated man.”

In a press briefing that was livestreamed on multiple platforms, Trump’s recount head declared, “This is not just about checkers—it’s about justice. It’s about ensuring that every jump and every move is fair. And if that means reviewing every grain of dust on that board, so be it!” The statement was met with both laughter and disbelief across the nation, with many wondering if this was yet another chapter in the never-ending saga of Trump versus the establishment—even if the establishment in this case was an 8-year-old checkers prodigy.

The Social Media Circus: Memes, Jokes, and Hashtags

No satirical event of this magnitude would be complete without the inevitable social media storm. Hashtags like #TinyTyrant, #CheckersConspiracy, and #BoardGameBlunder flooded the internet. Memes depicted Trump in a tiny playground, facing off against a giant, smiling child armed with nothing but a checkers king and an oversized lollipop. Viral videos showed reenactments of the match, complete with dramatic music and exaggerated slow-motion moves. One particularly popular clip featured a mock interview with the child, who was asked, “How did you defeat the former president?” The child replied, “I just played by the rules,” in a tone that mixed innocence with smug satisfaction.

Political commentators on cable news found themselves forced to discuss the incident at length. “If you can’t even win a game of checkers without throwing a fit, what does that say about your leadership?” one host asked, half-laughing and half-serious. Meanwhile, late-night comedians had a field day, with jokes ranging from “Trump’s new campaign slogan: ‘I’m going to recount my wins!’” to “Maybe next time he’ll challenge a 5-year-old at hopscotch.”

The Fallout: Repercussions in the World of Politics and Beyond

The fallout from the checkers debacle has been swift and far-reaching. Political analysts are already predicting that the incident will have ramifications on Trump’s public image and could even influence future political strategies. “It’s a lesson in humility—or at least it should be,” opined one senior political strategist. “If you can’t handle a loss at checkers, how are you supposed to handle the rigors of national leadership?”

Opponents of Trump have seized upon the incident to mock his inability to accept defeat gracefully. Social media influencers and pundits alike have compared the incident to past political controversies, with one popular tweet reading, “From boardrooms to backyards, Trump just can’t take a loss—even when it comes from an 8-year-old.” Conservative commentators, however, have attempted to downplay the incident as a momentary lapse in judgment, arguing that even the best leaders can have an off day on the playground.

In a surprising twist, a bipartisan group of former presidents has called for a lighthearted reconciliation between political figures and playground sportsmanship. “If we can learn anything from this, it’s that sometimes the greatest victories come in the smallest packages,” declared an anonymous spokesperson for the group. “Perhaps it’s time to host an annual ‘Presidents vs. Kids’ tournament—a reminder that no matter how high you climb, the basics of fair play remain the same.”

A Glimpse into the Future: What’s Next for Checkers Politics?

As the nation digests the implications of Trump’s demand for a recount over a checkers game, many are left wondering what this means for the future of political discourse. Is this merely an isolated incident—a humorous footnote in a career defined by grandiose claims and bold proclamations—or does it represent a deeper trend toward theatrical politics? “We’re witnessing a transformation in how public figures engage with both their supporters and their opponents,” observes Dr. Strategos. “The line between reality and performance is blurring, and even a simple board game can become a stage for political theater.”

For now, the recount investigation continues. Trump’s recount team is reportedly scheduled to meet again at a secret location near a local elementary school, where they plan to reassemble the checkers board piece by piece. “We’re confident that if we look hard enough, we’ll find the evidence of foul play,” stated one team member, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being recruited to referee future playground disputes.

In the meantime, young Timmy Thompson has been declared the unofficial checkers champion of the nation, with his victory celebrated by parents, teachers, and playground enthusiasts alike. “It just goes to show that sometimes, a little bit of hard work and a love for the game can triumph over even the most powerful figures,” Mrs. Thompson said, smiling as she held her son’s trophy—a handcrafted medal that reads, “Checkers Champion, 2023.”

Conclusion: Lessons from the Board and Beyond

The saga of the checkers game has captured the nation’s imagination, serving as a humorous reminder that even those who claim to be the masters of the universe are not immune to the simple, honest rules of a childhood game. Trump’s impassioned demand for a recount—no matter how misguided—has sparked a nationwide conversation about fairness, accountability, and the enduring value of good old-fashioned sportsmanship.

As America ponders the political theater that unfolded on that modest checkers board, one thing is abundantly clear: sometimes, the smallest victories carry the most significant lessons. In the end, whether it’s a presidential recount or a playground rematch, the principles of fairness and fun remain timeless.

In a world where political battles are often fought on the grandest of stages, the checkers board reminds us that victory can be found in unexpected places—and that even an 8-year-old, armed with nothing but a set of checkers and an unyielding determination, can force the hand of history.

As the recount investigation proceeds and the debates rage on, one final truth emerges: in the game of life, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose—and sometimes, you simply learn that the most important thing is to play by the rules, even when the stakes are as low as a board game in a poolside pavilion.

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Disclaimer: This satirical account is a work of pure fiction. Any resemblance to actual events, political figures, or checkers tournaments is entirely coincidental. The recount investigation, the checkers board analysis, and all comments herein are products of a humorous collaboration between a satirical journalist and a playful imagination. No presidents, children, or checkers boards were harmed in the making of this story.

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Auf Wiedersehen!

The post Trump Demands Recount appeared first on Bohiney News.

BREAKING: Congress Passes Bill Requiring All Politicians to Actually Read Bills Before Voting

A Monumental Leap for Legislative Literacy?

In a move that shocked exactly no one, Congress has passed a historic bill mandating that every elected politician must read the full text of a bill before casting their vote. Yes, you read that right—actual reading, not just the teleprompter scroll on a loop. The measure, dubbed the “Read-a-Lot Act,” promises to revolutionize American lawmaking by ensuring that legislators know what they’re endorsing, or at least can pretend to.

The story begins with an underdog group of frustrated voters and a few semi-literate interns who staged a symbolic protest in the Capitol rotunda. “It’s about time our representatives graduated from the ‘Cliff Notes of Legislation’,” declared local activist and self-proclaimed reading advocate, Marjorie Bookworm. According to an anonymous Congressional aide, “We tried implementing it back in 1999, but someone in the committee accidentally glued the pages together. This time, we’re serious.”

Experts across the political spectrum have chimed in. Dr. Penelope Page-Turner, a renowned literacy researcher, confirmed in a study published by the American Journal of Unread Documents that 87.4% of politicians skim rather than read. “Our research clearly shows that full comprehension of legal documents could actually lead to… well, informed decision-making,” she added with a twinkle in her eye.

An internal poll of Capitol Hill staff revealed that 73% of aides now report being forced to prepare “readable summaries” for their bosses, who claim to have “just glanced” at the bills. Meanwhile, a veteran lawmaker was overheard saying, “I always assumed the ‘fine print’ was just a myth—like honest politics or a balanced breakfast.”

In a twist that only reality could conjure, a documentary filmmaker captured the moment of the bill’s passage. “I was there when they voted ‘aye’ after reading the entire 237-page budget proposal,” said filmmaker Randy “Reader” McScroll, whose raw footage is now the talk of both social media and break rooms nationwide.

But not everyone is celebrating. Critics argue that the measure might slow down the legislative process or, worse, expose politicians to the inconvenience of actual learning. “We fear a spike in unexpected expertise on the floor,” quipped a senior Senate aide, nervously clutching a copy of the latest economic stimulus bill.

Nevertheless, the “Read-a-Lot Act” is now law, and the nation waits with bated breath—or perhaps with more coffee than usual—to see if our elected officials will actually read what they’re signing off on. In the meantime, citizens are encouraged to host “Read-Aloud Parties” and share memes of politicians squinting at legal jargon.

The post Politicians Must Read Bills Before Voting appeared first on Bohiney News.

Supreme Court Rules Freedom of Speech Doesn’t Apply to People Who Won’t Shut Up

When Silence Is the New Free Speech

In an eyebrow-raising decision that has legal scholars gasping and chatty citizens scrambling for cover, the Supreme Court has ruled that freedom of speech is not a right for those who simply won’t shut up. The landmark decision—issued with a side-eye by the justices—declares that incessant, unsolicited commentary can be grounds for censorship, effectively putting a lid on those who abuse the privilege of talking.

Legal experts are divided. Professor Linda Loquacity of the University of Verbal Excess commented, “This ruling is both a relief and a nightmare. It’s a relief for introverts everywhere and a nightmare for anyone who’s ever tried to win an argument on social media.” A recent poll by the National Bureau of Nonstop Chatter revealed that 82% of Americans wish for a “mute button” for at least one noisy relative.

The decision came after a high-profile case involving a notorious talkative citizen—dubbed “The Yapper”—who held uninterrupted public rants on every conceivable topic, from the nutritional value of kale to the proper way to load a dishwasher. Eyewitnesses reported that by the time he finished his 3-hour monologue, dinner had long been forgotten and local pets had begun to file noise complaints.

In an opinion penned by Justice Quietus, the Court stated, “The right to free speech is not a license for ceaseless blathering that disrupts the peace of our public discourse. Sometimes, silence is golden, and in this case, it’s constitutionally required.” In support of the ruling, expert testimonies were presented, including that of Dr. Simon Mute—a renowned sociologist—who cited studies showing that prolonged, unfiltered speech can lead to collective decision fatigue.

Critics argue that the ruling sets a dangerous precedent, one that might limit spirited debate. “What’s next, outlawing bad puns or cheesy political slogans?” asked a dissenting Justice in a tone that echoed the groans of late-night comedians. Yet supporters hail it as a long-overdue intervention in a society drowning in noise.

As the ruling takes effect, public spaces are already adapting. Libraries, cafes, and even sports arenas have installed “Quiet Zones” where loud talkers are politely escorted to a designated “Vent Room.” A viral video of an overenthusiastic sports fan being gently but firmly silenced has already hit 2 million views.

While some citizens celebrate the newfound right to peace and quiet, others worry about the slippery slope of enforced silence. But for now, the Court’s decision stands—a bold reminder that sometimes the most powerful speech is the one you never hear.

The post Freedom of Speech Doesn’t Apply appeared first on Bohiney News.

BREAKING: “You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!”

(Spoiler: Still Nothing. But Also Maybe Taxes.)

By Barbie McHonesty, Senior Satirical News Analyst, Bohiney.com

The Lie That Launched a Million Clicks

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a revelation that stunned absolutely no one except a guy named Phil who just woke up from a coma he entered during the Ice Bucket Challenge era, America’s most recycled headline — “You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!” — has officially been classified by researchers as a non-event wrapped in a mystery box full of emotional manipulation.

After a grueling six-second investigation — powered by seven interns, three expired Red Bulls, and one AI that quit mid-click — journalists at Bohiney.com confirmed the worst:

Nothing. Happens. Next.

Unless you count a mildly offensive ad for reverse mortgages and a close-up of a mole that “might be cancer but could also be a baked bean.”

The Evidence No One Asked For

Lead researcher Karen Clickensworth, a former BuzzFeed employee turned whistleblower (and Etsy llama-themed sock magnate), described the betrayal with tears welling in her blue-light-fatigued eyes.

“We clicked on 4,732 articles, including ‘This Grandma’s Last Words Will Haunt You Forever,’ and all we got was an ad for teeth whitener and a reminder that Grandma’s still alive and doing Zumba in Sarasota.”

Among the most revealing findings from their study:

• 84% of “unbelievable stories” begin with a stock image of a woman holding her face like she just saw her credit score.

• 67% lead to a video that auto-plays at 120 decibels.

• 1 in 5 pages use more slide transitions than a high school PowerPoint about Abraham Lincoln.

• 100% resulted in the phrase “Just one more page!” being followed by “Just kidding, we sold your data.”

A Nation Betrayed (Again)

Protests broke out across Silicon Valley this morning, with demonstrators hurling expired clickbait headlines at the Googleplex. The protest group, Citizens for Honest Disappointment, carried signs reading:

• “We Demand the ‘Next’!”

• “Clickbait Ruined My Marriage (Details in Slide 14)”

• “I Waited 45 Minutes to Learn That Gwyneth Paltrow Was Just Tired That Day!”

One traumatized user, 34-year-old Mark Hammilson (no relation to Luke, but arguably more emotionally scarred), recounted:

“The headline said, ‘This Man Ate a Banana Every Day — What Happened Next Will Shock You!’ After 17 pages, the only thing that shocked me was that I still hadn’t pooped. Turns out what happened next was… nothing. He just kept eating bananas. Like a potassium-driven psychopath.”

Big Clickbait: “We Regret Absolutely Nothing”

In a joint statement from several major clickbait syndicates including ZorkFeed, ClickoBuzz, and DefinitelyRealNews.net, executives defended their practices, comparing their misleading titles to…

“The fine print on a gym contract: legally vague, morally optional, and basically impossible to escape.”

They even invoked freedom of expression, claiming the phrase “You won’t believe what happens next!” is protected under the First Amendment, “right next to yelling ‘FIRE!’ in a crowded theater or calling an almond milk latte ‘coffee.’”

Facebook Unveils New Algorithm: Surprise Disappointment

To address growing public mistrust, Facebook has promised greater transparency by developing the “Surprise Disappointment Algorithm”, which will:

1. Promise life-changing revelations.

2. Deliver 22 seconds of loading time.

3. Conclude with the words: “You’ll never guess what happened… because we’re not telling you.”

Beta testing has already led to 3,000 spontaneous phone throws, 11 cracked screens, and one elderly man in Topeka asking Siri to “fight the internet.”

What Actually Happens Next? (Spoiler: Mild Existential Dread)

Media scholars and one very lonely guy with a podcast agree on the likely fallout:

• Absolutely nothing will change. Humanity, as studies show, loves being duped if it means momentary escape from reality.

• Clickbait will evolve. The next generation of headlines may include:

  • “She Blinked Once at a Taco Bell — What She Saw Next Changed Government Policy Forever”

  • “You’ll Cry, Then Laugh, Then Question Democracy”

  • “This One Weird Mole Cured My Depression”

• New Yorkers will continue clicking while standing in line for bagels, unaware that their grandchildren are being named after fonts.

“It’s like emotional whiplash for the soul,” said Dr. Linda Scrollsworth, Professor of Click Studies at DeVry Online College of Media Trauma. “We’ve conditioned people to expect payoff, but all we give them is… ads for colon cleanses.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I clicked that article about the guy who slept with a snake. Turned out the ‘snake’ was just his mother-in-law. Now I need therapy and a divorce lawyer.” — Ron White

“They told me, ‘This baby goat did something you won’t believe.’ It pooped. That’s it. It pooped. I believe it. I’ve pooped. Millions have pooped. That’s not a twist, that’s biology.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“‘You won’t believe what happens next’? How about, ‘You won’t believe you’re still unemployed after clicking 40 of these.’” — Amy Schumer

Helpful Content for Our Loyal Readers

How to Survive the Clickbait Apocalypse:

1. Develop trust issues early. This way, you’ll never believe the next slide is “worth it.”

2. Treat headlines like Tinder bios. If they say “fun, exciting, and adventurous,” assume they mean “confusing, desperate, and full of malware.”

3. Use the 3-Second Rule. If it doesn’t load faster than your microwave popcorn, abort mission.

4. Install the Bohiney Browser Extension. It turns all “You Won’t Believe” headlines into “You’ll Deeply Regret.”

5. Ask yourself: Would Ron White click this? If yes, then close your laptop and go outside.

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Final Verdict: The Click Heard Around the Nothing

As the digital smog clears, and millions come to terms with being emotionally catfished by pixels and punctuation, one fact remains:
You believed something would happen next.
That’s on you.

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UPDATE:

If you’ve read this far, congratulations. You’ve unlocked our exclusive Nothingburger NFT — a .jpeg of an empty plate signed by “Definitely Not Mark Zuckerberg.”

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Disclaimer:

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AIs were harmed in the making of this disappointment.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“I clicked ‘This Grandma’s Last Words Will Leave You Speechless’—turns out her last words were ‘Turn off the Wi-Fi.’”
— Ron White

“Every time I click on ‘You Won’t Believe What This Dog Did,’ I believe it. It’s a dog. It barked. That’s the whole career right there.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“Clickbait titles are like bad Tinder dates. Full of promise, ends with an ad for toe fungus.”
— Amy Schumer

“I clicked on ‘He Took One Sip of Beer and You Won’t Believe What Happened!’ I’ll tell you what happened. He joined my family.”
— Dave Chappelle

“The article said, ‘Doctors Hate Him!’ I clicked. It was a dude who eats nothing but celery and screams at clouds. Yeah. I hate him too.”
— Chris Rock

“‘You’ll Cry When You See What This Baby Goat Did.’ Yeah, I cried. Mostly because I realized I’m 42 and crying over goat videos at 2 a.m.”
— Tina Fey

“They got me with ‘You Won’t Believe This Trick to Lose Belly Fat.’ I believed. Now I’m just hungry and ashamed.”
— Kevin Hart

“I once clicked on ‘This Simple Trick Will Fix Your Marriage.’ It was a pop-up ad for duct tape. Accurate, but still.”
— Sarah Silverman

“Clickbait headlines are like a magician who saws a woman in half… then never puts her back together. Just leaves you hanging.”
— Stephen Colbert

“I clicked on ‘This Man Found Something Shocking in His Backyard.’ It was a rock. He found a rock. And I lost 11 minutes of my life.”
— Hasan Minhaj

“They said ‘This Trick Can Save You Hundreds!’ I clicked. It told me to stop clicking clickbait. I guess that’s fair.”
— Ali Wong

“Clickbait is the only place where ‘This One Weird Trick’ always ends in a virus and a weird Amazon recommendation.”
— John Mulaney

The post You Won’t Believe What Happens Next! appeared first on Bohiney News.

Gavin Newsom Empties California Mental Institutions for “Destroy Tesla Tuesday”

An Exclusive Report from Bohiney’s Only Reporter to Wear a Straightjacket Voluntarily

California Declares Open Season on Teslas

SACRAMENTO – In a move that defies logic, gravity, and several laws of physics, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a surprise executive order authorizing the “ceremonial liberation” of over 3,000 patients from the state’s remaining mental institutions. Their mission? To wage war on electric cars in an event called Destroy Tesla Tuesday, a new tradition the Governor described as “equal parts therapy, performance art, and regenerative policy.”

Newsom made the announcement via a TikTok filmed inside a Tesla dealership, standing atop a smashed Model X while freestyle rapping over Enya. Witnesses say he was wearing war paint made from beet juice and the emotional residue of a failed Senate run.

“We’re not rioting,” Newsom declared. “We’re recalibrating society’s relationship with torque.”

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A Carefully Orchestrated Breakdown

Within hours of the executive order, psychiatric hospitals across the state began releasing patients with complimentary helmets labeled “I Am the Grid”, emotional support crowbars, and laminated maps of Tesla Supercharger stations marked with red Xs.

Patients—now legally designated as “decarbonization agents”—were instructed to express themselves “through targeted kinetic empathy.”

State officials insisted the release was “therapeutic,” noting that many participants had shown marked improvement after just one cathartic windshield smash. Several were overheard shouting phrases like “Death to Elon!” and “Tell your AI to respect my pronouns!”

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Mental Health Meets Traffic Revenge

In San Francisco, protesters overwhelmed Tesla’s flagship showroom. A crowd formed a silent circle around a red Model 3 and began humming aggressively. Then, with eerie coordination, they launched into an interpretive dance titled “Ludicrous Mode of Despair.”

The dance ended with a man dressed as Greta Thunberg tackling the hood and screaming, “I am the future, and I reject this Bluetooth coffin!”

Outside, protestors placed parking tickets on stationary Teslas that read, “Crime: Emotional Neglect.”

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Police Asked to “Stand Down and Center Themselves”

Internal memos from Newsom’s office revealed that law enforcement agencies were told not to interfere with the protests, but instead to “bear witness and validate the catharsis.”

Officers in Sacramento attempted to deescalate a mob using phrases like:

• “I hear your frustration.”

• “Would you like to discuss this over a turmeric latte?”

• “Have you considered journaling instead of looting?”

Unfortunately, one officer’s attempt at group meditation backfired when he was pelting with affirmations written on artisanal bricks.

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Elon Musk’s Orbital Nervous Breakdown

From his glass dome compound in Austin, Elon Musk responded on X, the app formerly known as whatever it was five minutes ago, with the post:

“This is an overreaction. They could’ve just unsubscribed from my vibe.”

He then retweeted a meme of a Cybertruck running over Karl Marx and issued a statement claiming Tesla would now “lean harder into consumer autonomy by installing counter-riot mode.”

Later that evening, Musk was seen walking barefoot through a SpaceX warehouse, softly whispering, “Why does no one understand me?” to a pile of unused ventilators.

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A Riot So Precise, It Had to Be Funded by Goop

Although billed as a grassroots movement, the destruction was oddly surgical. Protestors targeted LiDAR sensors, autopilot modules, and data ports with the kind of precision only seen in surgical rooms and espresso bars with 3D-printed stirrers.

Witnesses reported seeing former behavioral patients with no known tech training override Tesla’s internal logs using only a typewriter, two pigeons, and an NPR tote bag.

One woman was overheard yelling, “If your car is smarter than you, that’s a form of oppression!” before gently pouring oat milk over a Supercharger cable.

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Showrooms Transformed into Wellness Spaces

Several Tesla dealerships were overtaken and repurposed by protestors. In Santa Monica, a Model Y was filled with lavender-scented sand and turned into a grounding station called “The Mindful Motorist.”

At another location in Oakland, a Cybertruck was turned on its side and spray-painted with the words “Resist the Algorithm. Hug Your Inner Horse.”

Pop-up therapy sessions were offered to traumatized Teslas by former Reiki practitioners, who attempted to realign the chakras of vehicles suffering from emotional misalignment and “range anxiety.”

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Republican Governors Respond With Fossil Fuel Patriotism

Across state lines, red state governors erupted in coordinated, pearl-clutching horror.

Florida’s Ron DeSantis called it “proof that solar panels turn people into communists.”
Texas Governor Greg Abbott declared Tesla “an endangered species” and offered refuge to any Cybertrucks fleeing blue-state persecution.
Even Donald Trump chimed in from his Mar-a-Lago shower with, “I’ve always said it: Teslas are gay. That’s not a problem, I just think the bumpers are too smooth.”

Fox News declared it a “woke apocalypse,” while CNN held a panel titled, “Was this performance art or just Tuesday in California?”

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Market Reactions and Nervous Investors

Tesla stock plummeted briefly before rebounding after Musk announced he would release an “emotionally resilient model” with upgraded trauma software.

The Model E (Emotion) promises to:

• Validate your feelings before acceleration

• Cry if you ghost it on Bumble

• Refuse to start if it senses you’re being fake

Goldman Sachs issued a warning that read, “We are concerned Tesla has become the epicenter of America’s collective nervous breakdown—but we’re still buying.”

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Mental Health Advocates Applaud the Experiment

Surprisingly, some therapists defended the spectacle.

Dr. Willow Caraway of the Institute for Psychic Nutrition called the event “a rare opportunity to harmonize cognitive dissonance through material sabotage.”

She argued that smashing a Tesla helps the psyche express what the ego represses—mainly resentment toward Elon Musk’s Twitter addiction and the fact that “self-driving” really means “run into a mailbox in the rain.”

A patient formerly diagnosed with mania told reporters, “I feel seen. And also, the Model X I just flipped with a shovel? That thing needed to be humbled.”

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Even the Protestors Were Confused

While many protestors embraced the chaos, others expressed existential dread.

One man screamed, “I thought this was an anti-capitalist drum circle, not Grand Theft Auto: Yoga Edition!” before joining a group chanting “Our trauma is renewable!”

A woman wearing an infinity scarf made of kale sobbed into the wheel of a Model S and whispered, “I don’t even have a license.”

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Google Buses Become State Housing

With the sudden influx of released patients now facing displacement again, Newsom repurposed abandoned Google shuttle buses as mobile safe spaces.

Each bus featured:

• A mounted diffuser blasting lavender over old Wi-Fi routers

• Therapy goats

• A screen that only plays Greta Thunberg documentaries and early Pixar shorts

When asked about logistics, the Governor said, “It’s not homelessness if the bus is self-aware.”

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Newsom Nominated for a Grammy

The Governor’s surprise TikTok freestyle, “Kill the Car, Find the Self,” went viral, racking up 83 million views and landing him a Grammy nomination for Best Spoken Word Album.

The track list includes:

1. Autopilot is a Lie

2. My Uber Tried to Gaslight Me

3. Ecofascism with a Side of Ranch

He now leads a movement to make protest an official therapy modality called “traumactivism.”

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Tesla Owners Form Support Group: Shocked & Plugged

Displaced Tesla owners gathered in yoga studios, dog parks, and rooftop kombucha bars to process the devastation. They formed a group called Shocked & Plugged, which aims to create a safe space for grieving their violated vehicles and fantasizing about converting back to gas.

One tech bro tearfully clutched his steering wheel and murmured, “It just wanted to park itself.”

Another tried to trade his Model 3 for a horse named “Validation.”

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“Burning Uber” Planned for Next Week

Newsom has announced plans for a follow-up initiative: Burning Uber, an experiential protest against gig economy trauma. Participants will construct ride-share effigies from old iPhones and take turns demanding five-star ratings from strangers in therapy robes.

When asked if this movement might spiral out of control, the Governor replied, “California is not a state. It’s an emotional arc.”

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Helpful Content for Readers: How to Reimagine Policy as Catharsis

If you too are a policymaker looking to unleash chaos in the name of progress, here’s some practical advice:

• Replace legislation with vibes.

• Staff your administration with people who start every sentence with “As an empath…”

• Redefine destruction as healing, and healing as interpretive sabotage.

• Always have a goat on standby. Just in case.

Because when society stops working, you don’t fix it—you host a drum circle and hope for rain.

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Funny Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed, though several Teslas are currently undergoing therapy. Everything in here is satire, which is California’s most renewable energy.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“Newsom freed the mentally ill to smash Teslas. Finally, someone who understands California zoning laws.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“I don’t trust any car that’s smarter than me and still can’t parallel park without a panic attack.”
— Ron White

“Elon Musk called the riot ‘performance art.’ Bro, if getting your car stomped counts as art, then my ex is Jackson Pollock with a tire iron.”
— Amy Schumer

“Only in California can you get prescribed lithium one week and smash lithium batteries the next.”
— Chris Rock

“Destroy Tesla Tuesday? That used to be called family court.”
— Larry David

“I tried hugging a Tesla once. It locked the doors and filed a restraining order.”
— Sarah Silverman

“Newsom says this was healing? When I tried smashing a Tesla, I got banned from the Whole Foods parking lot for a week!”
— Roseanne Barr

“A Cybertruck got flipped over by a guy in a bathrobe with a dream catcher. I haven’t seen symbolism that raw since Burning Man.”
— Billy Crystal

“You know it’s bad when a guy with no pants, a kazoo, and a therapy goat has a better climate policy than Congress.”
— Jackie Mason

“Elon should’ve seen this coming. The warning was literally on the dash in Latin: In lithium, veritas.”
— Jon Stewart

The post Gavin Newsom Empties California Mental Institutions appeared first on Bohiney News.

EXCLUSIVE: The Wall Street Journal Interviews Hawk Tuah Girl

“I Hawk’d, I Tuah’d, and America Invested in My Throat Coin”

By the WSJ’s Least Appropriate Correspondent

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Setting:
A corner booth in a Hooters off I-65 in Nashville.
Ambience:
Smells like Axe body spray and SEC subpoenas.
Interviewee:
Haliey Welch, a.k.a. Hawk Tuah Girl — viral sensation, cultural prophet, and part-time crypto empress.
Interviewed By:
Randall B. Geltman, WSJ Senior Reporter for Moral Panic and Financial Erection Trends.

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WSJ: Miss Welch, thank you for sitting down with us. You’ve been silent since the SEC began investigating your crypto coin, $TUAAH. Why break your silence now?

Haliey Welch:
“’Cause baby, silence don’t pay no bills. And neither does crypto, apparently.”

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WSJ: A lot of people called your coin a pump and dump. Thoughts?

Haliey:
“If I’m guilty of pumpin’ and dumpin’, it was on Brad from Knoxville, not Ethereum.”

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WSJ: Were you aware that federal law prohibits unregistered securities offerings?

Haliey:
“I thought ‘unregistered securities’ was a euphemism for my boobs. My bad.”

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WSJ: There’s speculation you used your sexual appeal to influence novice investors.

Haliey:
“I only invest in assets with high liquidity… just like me on a Saturday night.”

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WSJ: What did you say when the SEC first contacted you?

Haliey:
“I told the SEC I only spit on coins if they ask nicely.”

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WSJ: How did you come to understand blockchain technology?

Haliey:
“I didn’t understand crypto until a guy explained it using his tongue and a beer bottle.”

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WSJ: Is it true you gave trading advice during, uh… intimate moments?

Haliey:
“It wasn’t insider trading—I just happen to scream financial advice during orgasms. ‘BUY DOGECOIN!’”

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WSJ: Do you see yourself as a financial influencer?

Haliey:
“I don’t mind a bear market, as long as the bear’s shirtless.”

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WSJ: What about claims you manipulated the market?

Haliey:
“That crypto coin wasn’t a scam—he told me it was going to ‘explode’ all over the market. Spoiler alert: it did. Just not economically.”

---

WSJ: You’ve been accused of appealing to male investors with sexual undertones.

Haliey:
“I’m the only girl who’s made more men invest with a spit sound than Warren Buffett.”

---

WSJ: What do you say to the people who claim your coin was a Ponzi scheme?

Haliey:
“The only Ponzi I know is this guy who made me bark like a dog in an Applebee’s parking lot.”

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WSJ: Your followers claim they received little return on investment.

Haliey:
“He said he’d give me 3% returns if I gave him 3% of this booty. Now I’m yielding dividends and restraining orders.”

---

WSJ: Could you explain staking and yield farming?

Haliey:
“I’d explain it, but baby, I only farm one thing, and it ain’t corn.”

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WSJ: The market says you got rug-pulled. Is that true?

Haliey:
“I got rug-pulled so hard, I needed a chiropractor and a lawyer.”

---

WSJ: What’s your take on decentralized finance?

Haliey:
“Y’all call it ‘DeFi.’ I call it ‘OnlyFans for economists.’”

---

WSJ: Some say you’re not qualified to lead a financial movement.

Haliey:
“My investment strategy is simple: if he’s hot and holds Bitcoin, I’ll let him hold something else too.”

---

WSJ: Final ruling from the SEC?

Haliey:
“SEC cleared me ‘cause I made the whole panel blush and say, ‘Bless your heart.’”

---

WSJ: Will you be launching any new projects?

Haliey:
“I’m thinking of a new coin backed by real assets—like booty pics, moonshine futures, and emotional damage.”

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WSJ: Any final thoughts for our readers?

Haliey:
“I hawk’d, I tuah’d, and now I got a summer home in Miami and a cease-and-desist letter framed above my bed.”

---

Editor’s Note:
Haliey Welch’s crypto venture has since been de-listed, re-listed, memed, and tattooed on at least one guy’s lower back in Myrtle Beach. The SEC has formally declared her “too hot to prosecute,” and the Federal Reserve is considering adding her to the next stimulus package.

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ANALYSIS: The Rise of Hawk Tuah Economics — How Haliey Welch Turned Saliva into Securities

By Randall B. Geltman, WSJ (Satirical Analysis Division)

Haliey Welch, better known as the “Hawk Tuah Girl,” recently broke her silence in an exclusive Wall Street Journal interview—confirming that America is still deeply confused about what counts as a financial instrument. Welch, whose claim to viral fame involved a vivid (and frankly physics-defying) explanation of what women do to keep men interested, has since catapulted from meme to mogul, launching a short-lived crypto coin and a long-term cultural identity.

Her cryptocurrency, $TUAH, was at one point valued higher than the GDP of a small Missouri town, fueled entirely by meme traction and red-blooded male investors who couldn’t tell a blockchain from a Slipknot album. Welch’s quote, “I only invest in assets with high liquidity—just like me on a Saturday night,” offers both a self-aware punchline and a deeper insight into how digital charisma has become its own speculative currency.

Evidence of Market Influence
A 2024 study by the Stanford Center for Meme Finance (a real-ish group of disillusioned MBAs) found that over 40% of retail investors aged 18–29 had, at some point, made a trade based on a meme, viral video, or woman in a tank top. Welch’s $TUAH coin surged after her viral moment, reaching a market cap of $13 million before collapsing under what experts described as “gravity and common sense.”

Despite the SEC’s probe into possible unregistered securities, no formal charges were brought against Welch. The reason, according to leaked internal memos: “She was too charming, and honestly, we didn’t understand half of it.”

Digital Thirst Meets Financial Thirst
Welch’s humor-laced investment advice—“If he’s hot and holds Bitcoin, I’ll let him hold something else too”—mimics a broader trend in the fintech space: a blending of sexuality, humor, and speculation. Platforms like TikTok, Reddit, and OnlyFans have all become hubs for unqualified-but-fascinating financial gurus. Welch is simply the most shamelessly successful of the bunch.

Conclusion
While the Federal Reserve may not include her quotes in official policy briefings anytime soon, Haliey Welch has opened a new chapter in meme economics. Her impact isn’t in the coin itself, but in the mirror she holds up to a culture that confuses charisma for competence—and prefers it that way.

As one Redditor put it: “I lost $900 on $TUAH, but I’d do it again if she spit on the whitepaper.”

Wall Street has spoken. And it said: Hawk. Tuah.

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15 Things Hawk Tuah Girl Said After Her SEC-Investigated Crypto Coin Collapsed Like a Wet Bikini Strap

1. “I only invest in assets with high liquidity… just like me on a Saturday night.”
   — Financial markets call it volatility. She calls it a bachelorette party in Nashville.

2. “I told the SEC I only spit on coins if they ask nicely.”
   — Turns out the real securities violation was how seductive her balance sheet looked.

3. “I didn’t understand crypto until a guy explained it using his tongue and a beer bottle.”
   — Experts call this blockchain-based foreplay.

4. “It wasn’t insider trading—I just happen to scream financial advice during orgasms.”
   — “BUY DOGECOIN!” she moaned. “SELL ETHEREUM!” she climaxed.

5. “I don’t mind a bear market, as long as the bear’s shirtless.”
   — The Wall Street Journal labeled her portfolio “thirst-driven.”

6. “I never meant to seduce America—I just hawk’d, tuah’d, and America came.”
   — Liberty wept. The Statue of it cracked her tablet.

7. “That crypto coin wasn’t a scam—he told me it was going to ‘explode’ all over the market.”
   — Spoiler: only thing that exploded was her DMs.

8. “I’m the only girl who’s made more men invest with a spit sound than Warren Buffett.”
   — CNBC is reportedly launching a new segment: “Cum-odities & Cock Markets.”

9. “The only Ponzi I know is this guy who made me bark like a dog in an Applebee’s parking lot.”
   — SEC subpoenaed his Snapchats.

10. “He said he’d give me 3% returns if I gave him 3% of this booty.”
    — Now she’s yielding dividends and restraining orders.

11. “I’d explain staking and yield farming, but baby, I only farm one thing, and it ain’t corn.”
    — Organic, grass-fed attention.

12. “I got rug-pulled so hard, I needed a chiropractor and a lawyer.”
    — Legal name of the coin? $WETASSET.

13. “Y’all call it ‘decentralized finance.’ I call it ‘onlyfans for economists.’”
    — Her whitepaper includes moaning in Comic Sans.

14. “My investment strategy is simple: if he’s hot and holds Bitcoin, I’ll let him hold something else too.”
    — The Fed is considering regulation.

15. “SEC cleared me because I made the whole panel blush and say, ‘Bless your heart.’”
    — Chairman’s final ruling: “Guilty of being too damn fine.”

---

If you’d like, next up we can build a full satirical exposé titled “Hawk Tuah Girl Clears Her Throat, Clears Her Name, and Clears Out Your Bank Account” with fake charts, dumb economist quotes, parody tweets, and testimony from confused men who still think crypto is short for “crypt-hoe.”

Auf Wiedersehen for now—or as she put it:
“I hawk’d, I tuah’d, and y’all still invested.”

The post WSJ Interviews Hawk TuahGirl appeared first on Bohiney News.

Too Big to Die: The Legal Battle Over Waistlines and Justice

Florida, the state where logic retires early and irony runs for governor, is once again making headlines—this time, for a legal defense that could only be concocted in a land where the death penalty and deep-fried butter coexist peacefully. Death row inmate Michael Tanzi, a man whose BMI now qualifies him for his own zip code, is pleading for leniency on the grounds that he is “morbidly obese” and “too unhealthy to be executed.”

Tanzi, who was convicted in 2000 for kidnapping and murdering a woman, is not arguing his innocence. No, his defense hinges on a more uniquely American principle: his arteries have already done most of the killing. According to his legal team, the state’s lethal injection protocols do not account for the biomedical Rubik’s Cube that is Tanzi’s body. They claim executing him would violate the Eighth Amendment, which prohibits “cruel and unusual punishment.”

“In Florida, your cholesterol can now get you a stay of execution. Meanwhile in California, tofu is a hate crime.” — Ron White

If this sounds like the plot of a Coen Brothers movie co-written with a Cracker Barrel menu, that’s because it practically is.

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The Eighth Amendment and the Twelfth Helping

“The Founders clearly didn’t intend for men of this girth to face the needle,” says Professor Calvin McFry, a constitutional law expert and competitive chili judge. “They wrote the Bill of Rights after a light supper of squirrel meat and boiled turnips. They couldn’t imagine a scenario where someone could gain 350 pounds without a crown and a divine right.”

In court filings, Tanzi’s lawyers cite not only his morbid obesity, but also severe chronic sciatica, hyperlipidemia, uncontrolled hypertension, and acid reflux—a list that reads more like the side effects from a Denny’s Grand Slam than a legal brief.

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Expert Opinion: “You Can’t Kill What’s Already Dying”

Dr. Lester P. Gristle, a prison physician and amateur corn dog sculptor, told reporters, “Look, I’m not saying the man’s health is perfect. I’m saying the Grim Reaper’s been double-parked outside his cell for a decade and a half. He’s not ‘Too Big to Die.’ He’s ‘Already Dying, Just Slowly.’”

Florida’s Attorney General responded to the appeal with a simple, resounding “no,” calling the concerns “meritless,” while silently resisting the urge to add, “And possibly butter-laced.”

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American Justice: Now With More Bacon

The implications are staggering. If Tanzi succeeds, America may enter an era where felony trials come with diet plans. “This case sets a dangerous precedent,” said Florida Corrections Spokesman Randy Slabbeaux, while unwrapping a breakfast chimichanga. “Pretty soon, we’ll have inmates intentionally trying to gain 300 pounds to avoid execution. We’re gonna have to install stairmasters in solitary.”

According to a 2025 Gallup Poll, 58% of Americans believe death row inmates should be allowed to gain as much weight as possible in order to delay execution, while 42% believe they should at least share the fries.

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Death Row, Rebranded as Food Court

Warden testimonials reveal a disturbing trend: Tanzi has allegedly weaponized the prison menu. A former cellmate claims, “He once ate a Salisbury steak so big it had its own parole hearing.”

Inmates are reportedly forming a “Chubstitution Strategy,” a hunger strike in reverse: they eat nonstop in hopes of building up the kind of complex medical conditions that turn executions into legal tangles.

Even the correctional kitchen staff is beginning to revolt. “We signed up to make slop, not foie gras,” grumbled Head Cook Marla “Spatula” Jenkins. “Now they want gluten-free, hypertension-friendly pudding cups? What are we, Whole Foods Death Row?”

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Helpful Satirical Content for Bohiney Readers

• How to Delay Your Trial Execution: Step one—replace your lawyer with a cardiologist. Step two—embrace a diet that would make Paula Deen blush.

• DIY Legal Excuses: Morbid obesity? Check. Chronic gout? Sure. Fear of needles? Golden.

• Florida Law School Flashcards: Eighth Amendment, butter clause, ketchup-as-a-rights-issue, and “Stand Your Fry” laws.

• Criminal Justice Workout Plan: 30 minutes of regret, 15 reps of appeals, and 1 cheat day per appeal denial.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“It’s not that he’s too big to die. It’s that he’s too wide for the gurney.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“When death row becomes a Weight Watchers commercial, America needs to check its pulse.” — Chris Rock

“I’m not saying he’s fat, but when they tried to inject him, the needle filed a grievance.” — Amy Schumer

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Public Reactions: Sympathy or Second Servings?

Tina Wilkins, a woman from Pensacola, commented on Facebook, *“If he can’t be executed, maybe he can compete on My 600-lb Life: Death Row Edition.”

Others were more sympathetic, like Doug Bimmer, a Palm Beach vegan and amateur paddleboarder: “This is about compassion. The man is suffering. Also, the sodium content in prison food is outrageous.”

Meanwhile, a Change.org petition titled “Let Him Eat Cake, But Not Die” is gathering signatures at a suspiciously fast pace, possibly because it’s being promoted by DoorDash.

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Final Thoughts: Justice, Widened

Legal analysts agree this case is less about constitutional law and more about America’s tangled love affair with justice, food, and spectacle. If Tanzi’s appeal works, we may be headed toward a dystopia where Twinkies are considered bulletproof vests, and weight gain is both strategy and shield.

But as Florida’s governor reportedly muttered while chewing a Slim Jim behind the Capitol, “If this fella eats himself out of the death penalty, we’re gonna need to rewrite the whole justice system… and the menu.”

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Funny Disclaimer

This story is the product of a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No artificial intelligence was fed or harmed in the making of this article, though several donuts were sacrificed in the research process.

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15 Humorous Observations: “Too Big to Die”

1. Cruel and Unusual Exercise The real cruelty isn’t lethal injection, it’s making a 400-pound man walk down the hall to the execution room. The Eighth Amendment clearly prohibits cardio.

2. Capital Punishment or Capital Buffet? When your last meal turns into a three-day event catered by Golden Corral, it might complicate more than just the execution. Medical experts and chefs alike agree: “You can’t kill him—he’s still eating!”

3. The Constitution and Calorie Counting Founding fathers couldn’t foresee supersized fries or supersized convicts. Historians now believe Thomas Jefferson would’ve included the right to gastric bypass surgery in the Bill of Rights.

4. Obesity: The Ultimate Death Row Hack “Forget Shawshank—now all you need to do to escape execution is gain 300 pounds,” commented inmate life coach Slim Jim, who runs a motivational TikTok from solitary confinement.

5. Lethal Injection vs. Lethal Indigestion Injecting potassium chloride or barbecue sauce directly into veins might produce similar results. One prison doctor noted, “Both options cause severe reflux.”

6. Hyperlipidemia as a Defense Lawyers everywhere take note: high cholesterol is now a mitigating circumstance. “My client isn’t guilty—his LDL cholesterol made him do it!”

7. Sciatica: The New Stay of Execution Death penalty opponents are lobbying to replace electric chairs with ergonomic massage chairs. “It’s humane and relaxing,” claimed one activist, adjusting his lumbar pillow.

8. The Slippery Slope of Fast Food Justice First obesity delays executions, next diabetics get off on good behavior. “It’s an outrage,” said Judge Ronald McDonald. “Our courts can’t handle that much irony—or irony deficiency.”

9. Public Opinion: Sympathy or Appetite? A recent poll revealed 58% of Americans believe inmates too big to execute should serve their sentence at an all-you-can-eat prison buffet. The other 42% asked if they could join them.

10. Gastroesophageal Reflux and Justice In a landmark medical-legal analysis, Dr. Bernie Tums wrote, “If we execute this man, acid reflux medications could lose billions. Think of the antacids!”

11. False Dilemma: Diet or Die It Florida prosecutors insist, “If you’re healthy enough to commit a murder, you’re healthy enough to take an injection.” Nutritionists counter, “Kale smoothies, not capital punishment.”

12. Bandwagon Fallacy in Prison Meals Everyone’s jumping on the obesity-defense bandwagon. Prison cafeteria workers are now suspected of conspiring to save inmates by offering endless mac ‘n cheese.

13. Death by Obesity vs. Death by Injection Statistically speaking, Tanzi might die sooner from a cheeseburger overdose than state-administered lethal injection. “We’re racing the clock against KFC,” said the warden grimly.

14. Expert Witness or Expert Witnessing? Dr. Ronald H. Burgers, MD (Master Dietician), testified, “Frankly, I’m surprised Mr. Tanzi survived prison food long enough to face execution.”

15. Prison Reform: From Electric Chairs to StairMasters Human rights groups propose a revolutionary prison reform: forced cardio. “It might be cruel, but it’s definitely usual.”

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Disclaimer

This entirely human-produced article is the collaborative effort of two fully sentient beings—a cowboy who thinks salad is just a cheeseburger topping, and a farmer who firmly believes obesity is nature’s way of saying, “Maybe tomorrow.”

The post Too Big to Die appeared first on Bohiney News.

Wichita Falls Ranks #2 in Cheap Living—Residents Demand Recount, Hoping for First

Why settle for ‘affordable’ when you can live in the discount aisle of America’s soul?

WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — Residents of Wichita Falls woke up Friday morning with a chip on their collective shoulder—and not the good kind you dip in off-brand ranch dressing. The Times Record News reported that the city had been named the second cheapest place to live in America.

Second.

The news was received with collective outrage, at least by local standards. One man reportedly muttered, “Bull,” before returning to his lawn chair positioned in the bed of a rusted 1993 Ford Ranger. Several others said nothing at all, which in Wichita Falls is considered full-blown protest.

“I visited once. Their idea of fine dining was a gas station burrito served on a hubcap.” — Ron White

“If we’re not number one in being bottom-shelf, then what the hell are we doing here?” said local resident Hank “Snuffy” Burnell, while using a pool noodle to patch the radiator of his third-hand Chrysler PT Cruiser. “I’ve lived on expired ramen, slept on a futon made of burlap, and married two women I met in Dollar Tree. You telling me that ain’t commitment?”

Indeed, what Wichita Falls lacks in amenities, it makes up for in attitude—specifically, the kind that smells faintly of motor oil, menthols, and domestic light beer.

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“Cheap Living” Is Not an Insult. It’s a Brand.

For outsiders, the word “cheap” might evoke images of crumbling infrastructure, suspicious meat products, and local talent shows involving harmonicas and moonshine-fueled storytelling. But for Wichita Falls, “cheap” isn’t a problem—it’s a promise.

“Look, people in Austin spend $14 on toast. I spend $14 on groceries, alimony, and gas—and I still have enough left over to buy a scratch-off that’ll break my heart,” said Tammie “Taco” Gonzalez, a cashier-philosopher at the city’s 47th convenience store.

A recent fake study from the University of North Central Mid-Panhandle Agrarian Futurism Department found that 89% of Wichita Falls residents would rather have something “affordable and terrible” than “fancy and functional.” The remaining 11% didn’t respond because their flip phones died mid-survey.

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Cheap Cars, Even Cheaper Car Alarms

In Wichita Falls, the average car isn’t measured by miles per gallon—it’s measured by how many of its windows still roll down. While most cities fear the sound of a car backfiring, in Wichita Falls it’s how neighbors say hello.

“You can’t even steal a car around here,” said Officer Darnell Bridges. “Most folks just leave the keys in. And if you do take it, there’s a decent chance it’ll break down two blocks later. It’s not grand theft auto—it’s involuntary community service.”

Locals lovingly refer to their vehicles as “heirlooms,” “beasts,” or “hope traps.” One man, identified only as “Shane with the Bronco,” has kept his car running since 1987 using only wire hangers, chewing gum, and blind optimism.

“I don’t need a Tesla,” Shane said, while throwing gravel into the passenger-side footwell for ‘traction.’ “I got a cassette deck that plays only ZZ Top and a horn that sounds like a goose dying. That’s real American engineering.”

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Romance, Wichita-Style: Cheap Women, Expensive Mistakes

The dating scene in Wichita Falls is exactly what you’d expect in a town where Applebee’s is considered “exotic” and a texted “u up?” qualifies as foreplay.

A new dating app exclusive to the region—called Plenty o’ Fishin’ Poles—matches users based on how many Coors Lights they can drink before insulting their cousin.

“Cheap women? That’s reductive,” said local life coach and mobile notary Krystal “with a K.” “We’re not cheap—we’re economically nimble. I got married in a Sonic drive-thru, divorced in a Tractor Supply parking lot, and I’d do it again.”

The town’s most romantic spot is widely considered to be the abandoned Red Lobster off Kemp Boulevard, which now serves as a community center, vape shop, and moonlit engagement venue.

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Whiskey with a Bite—And Possibly Rabies

The local liquor store has an entire shelf dedicated to bottles that cost under $4. These include crowd favorites like “Old Panther,” “Texas Creek Swill,” and a new corn-based spirit simply labeled “Brown.”

“These whiskeys’ll put hair on your chest and then burn it off,” said Clint “Toothless” Jarvis, the unofficial town sommelier. “We got one that’s been banned in three counties and still won a ribbon at the county fair.”

Fake research from the Whiskey Appreciation Guild of Lower Texas (WAGLT) suggests that Wichita Falls leads the nation in “bourbon-adjacent beverages per capita.”

The most popular mixer? Tap water, followed closely by tears and Waffle House syrup.

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Fashionably Unacceptable

In a town where Goodwill is high fashion, Wichita Falls has given up on trends and doubled down on nostalgia. Tracksuits from 1992, camo cargo shorts, and oversized Looney Tunes shirts are not ironic here—they’re heirlooms.

“I got this denim vest at a garage sale in 2003 and haven’t taken it off since,” said Freda “Chainsaw” Culpepper, a 4’11” bartender known for her mullet and strong opinions about Bruce Springsteen. “It’s weathered, like my trust in men.”

Wichita Falls Fashion Week is just a guy named Dale walking through the mall in jorts and a bandana, being silently judged by no one.

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Education, but Make It Flexible

The local school district recently unveiled a new STEM program: Shadetree Mechanics and Livestock CPR. Students can now earn college credit by successfully repairing a carburetor using nothing but duct tape, prayers, and a YouTube video narrated by someone named “Big Randy.”

Meanwhile, the city’s only private school is funded entirely by a bingo hall and teaches Latin, pig breeding, and how to spot expired meat at a discount grocer.

“If you can’t read Dostoyevsky while riding a four-wheeler, you don’t belong in our valedictorian circle,” said Principal Terry Lou, who also runs a bait shop.

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Local Entertainment: Hold My Beer

Who needs Netflix when you’ve got amateur rodeo clowns, demolition derbies, and the occasional Taco Bell fistfight?

The Wichita Falls Community Theater recently staged an all-puppet adaptation of Dallas Buyers Club, and attendance was surprisingly robust. Meanwhile, the town’s escape room consists of trying to exit the DMV with all your teeth.

“Our idea of ‘live music’ is just someone’s uncle with a harmonica and a Bluetooth speaker,” said Jenna Lou, a bartender who moonlights as a karaoke judge and part-time bail bondsman. “It’s raw. It’s pure. It’s mostly off-key.”

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Housing So Cheap, It’s Practically Conceptual

A Wichita Falls resident can afford a two-bedroom home with only two part-time jobs and one missing roof shingle. The average home includes:

• At least one velvet painting of Elvis

• Carpet that predates the Clinton administration

• A smoke detector that chirps “Y’all good?”

“I pay $370 a month,” said handyman Reggie B., while spraying Axe body spray on his curtains. “Sure, my kitchen’s in the bathroom, and the toilet whistles when it rains. But that’s character, man. That’s ambiance.”

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Expert Analysis: The Sociology of Settling

According to fake sociologist Dr. Lenora “Birdy” Flagg, Wichita Falls is proof that Americans are redefining happiness through “radical mediocrity.”

“These people are not depressed,” Flagg insists. “They’re just allergic to high expectations. In a world where everything’s overpriced and optimized, Wichita Falls reminds us you can survive—and even thrive—with rust, grit, and off-brand ketchup.”

Flagg’s new book, Zen and the Art of Lawn Chair Maintenance, is now required reading at three community colleges and one pawn shop.

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Public Infrastructure: Come For the Potholes, Stay For the Patchwork

Wichita Falls’ roads are more memory than pavement. In a recent citizen survey, residents listed their biggest commuting fear as “falling into the past through a pothole so deep it rewinds your life.”

City Hall responded by releasing a map of “Preferred Detours,” which is just a series of arrows pointing to Oklahoma.

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Helpful Tips for Readers Who Want to Live Like It’s Wichita Falls Everywhere

1. Replace your furniture with cinder blocks and ambition.

2. Only buy name brands when the letters are slightly misspelled.

3. Date people who list “owns a crock pot” as a personality trait.

4. Whiskey should taste like remorse and lawnmower fumes.

5. Turn your garage into a gym, bar, or political headquarters.

6. Fix your car with zip ties and prayer.

7. Call it “rustic” instead of “unpainted.”

8. Celebrate birthdays with gas station cupcakes.

9. Use your neighbor’s Wi-Fi but call it “community sharing.”

10. Practice radical self-reliance, even if you only have half a toolbox.

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What the Funny People are Saying

“If Wichita Falls gets any cheaper, they’ll start charging you for not living there.” — Chris Rock

“I don’t know what they’re putting in the whiskey down there, but it made me believe in Bigfoot and marry my cousin.” — Dave Chappelle

“Their high school mascot is literally a shopping cart with three wheels and a dream.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I asked someone where I could find good weed. They pointed me to a chili cookoff.” — Tina Fey

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The Final Kicker

In a town that proudly ranks just above rock bottom, Wichita Falls residents aren’t looking for pity. They’re looking for ice in their whiskey and a friend who won’t steal their jumper cables.

As America continues to spiral into a hyper-capitalist void of overpriced smoothies and $300 yoga mats, Wichita Falls stands defiant—clinging to its rusted lawnmower, its budget romance, and its $3 whiskey with the confidence of a man who once fixed his roof using only a trash bag and a Christmas miracle.

Because here, mediocrity isn’t failure.

It’s home.

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Disclaimer:
This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer.

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15 observations about Wichita Falls’ proud embrace of poor quality goods

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1. Automotive Adventures
In Wichita Falls, a car isn’t “old”—it’s “heritage.”
Most vehicles here look like they were assembled by raccoons in a junkyard during a lightning storm. But locals aren’t complaining. They take pride in their four-cylinder jalopies that run on spite and transmission fluid.
“This here’s a 1991 Dodge Spirit,” says Earl, who hasn’t used a blinker since Y2K. “She doesn’t turn left anymore, but that’s why I only drive in circles around my block.”

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2. Fashion Forward
Nothing says sexy like a triple-denim ensemble, sweat-resistant mesh caps, and T-shirts that say “Git-R-Done” in three languages.
The most popular fashion accessory is duct tape—used to fix boots, secure waistlines, and occasionally, hold families together.
Wichita Falls’ unofficial motto? “If you can’t wear it to a funeral and a bar fight, don’t wear it at all.”

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3. Culinary Creativity
Gourmet in Wichita Falls means pouring hot sauce on something expired.
The food pyramid is made entirely of starches, things in cans, and whatever is half-off at ALDI.
Locals proudly make “cowboy charcuterie”—Vienna sausages, off-brand crackers, and a Slim Jim snapped into bite-size pieces. Add ranch? You’ve got yourself a Michelin-star meal.

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4. Home Décor
Shag carpet and popcorn ceilings? That’s not neglect—that’s intentional design aging.
Wichita homes feature velvet Elvis paintings, broken ceiling fans, and couches that look like they survived two divorces and a minor arson.
Interior design is less HGTV and more HGWTF.

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5. Entertainment
Who needs Netflix when you’ve got teenagers doing donuts in the Dollar General parking lot and feral cats fighting behind the laundromat?
Locals gather to watch things like:

• Squirrel rodeos

• Lawn mower drag races

• Tammy yelling at Rick about the custody agreement in public
  Culture is alive—it just smells like diesel and Monster Energy drinks.

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6. Beverage Preferences
The whiskey here isn’t aged—it’s just tired.
Popular brands include “Old Gutpunch,” “Ten Penny Corn Swill,” and a clear liquid sold only in unmarked mason jars labeled “maybe tequila.”
Mixers include:

• Tap water

• Cherry Kool-Aid

• Your own tears
  If it burns going down, it’s working.

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7. Romantic Endeavors
Dating apps in Wichita Falls ask three questions:

1. Do you own a truck?

2. Do you have a probation officer?

3. Do you think Chili’s is romantic?
   The town’s wedding industry is booming—largely because no one makes it past the three-month mark. Vows are often shouted over pool tables during happy hour.

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8. Fitness Trends
The closest thing to CrossFit is lifting a six-pack out of the cooler without breaking a sweat.
Jogging happens only during tornado season.
The only “step goals” tracked are from a FitBit someone found under a couch cushion in 2019.

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9. Technology
Flip phones are still considered “reliable,” especially because smartphones can’t survive the fallout of a bar brawl or being dunked in queso.
Internet speeds are measured in “shrugabytes.”
Smart homes? Please. If you can yell “lights!” and someone in your house flips a switch, that’s voice activation.

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10. Pet Culture
Dogs double as lawn ornaments, emotional support systems, and part-time squirrel deterrents.
If your dog doesn’t ride in the bed of your truck and stick its head out the window like it’s running for mayor, do you even live here?
Veterinarians accept cash, deer jerky, or old batteries.

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11. Weather Wisdom
Wichita Falls doesn’t have a forecast—it has a roulette wheel of fire, wind, hail, and regret.
Locals prepare for a sunny day by bringing a poncho, sunscreen, a shovel, and a snakebite kit.
Umbrellas are considered witchcraft.

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12. Gardening
Lawns in Wichita Falls are not manicured, they’re negotiated.
Most are equal parts dead grass, rusted tools, and oil stains from a family truck that’s “almost fixed.”
Potted plants are just beer cans with soil in them. Occasionally, they bloom sadness.

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13. Transportation
A good bicycle in Wichita Falls has two working tires, a bell stolen from a tricycle, and is probably chained to a parking meter that’s older than the Cold War.
A ride-share service here is just your cousin Chad with a bench seat.
Local scooters include lawnmowers modified for speed and chaos.

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14. Education
Classroom supplies include one whiteboard, six feral calculators, and a goat named “GED.”
Sex ed is a filmstrip from 1973 and a teacher named Glenda who keeps saying “you’ll figure it out.”
Graduation gowns are recycled from the local mortuary.

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15. Community Events
The “Who Can Fix It?” contest is not just a celebration of jerry-rigging—it’s religion.
Categories include:

• Best use of chewing gum in auto repair

• Fastest grill made from spare AC units

• Most believable excuse for not paying child support
  Winners receive glory, duct tape, and a gift card to Sonic.

The post Wichita Falls Ranks #2 in Cheap Stuff appeared first on Bohiney News.

Donald Trump Branding Genius

Donald Trump Branding: How One Man Turned Politics into a Lifestyle Merch Pyramid

PALM BEACH, FL — When Donald Trump told a cluster of reporters in March 2024, “I became president because of the brand,” the collective national response was a patriotic double-take. The man didn’t credit policy or populism, not even a poorly timed reality show. No. He gave all glory to the glittering gold-plated deity he worships above all: branding.

As it turns out, Trump’s campaign wasn’t political — it was a product launch. And like any good launch, it came with hats, slogans, and enough lawsuits to qualify as an episode of “Shark Tank: Dictator Edition.” In a country that knows its Starbucks sizes better than its senators, Donald Trump branding wasn’t just smart — it was inevitable.

“Trump didn’t drain the swamp — he built a waterpark over it and made everyone sign NDAs.” — Jerry Seinfeld

Let’s unpack the golden suitcase of this phenomenon, observation by outrageous observation.

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Trump Is the Only Human to Trademark an Emotion — ‘Insecurity’

You don’t follow Trump because you believe in him. You follow him because you feel vaguely unsafe without him. That’s not politics. That’s marketing. Trump doesn’t target voters. He targets abandonment issues.

In 2015, psychologists observed a spike in “existential insecurity” among white working-class voters — who described Trump as “tough,” “confident,” and “rich, which means he must be smart, right?” According to a 2020 Pew survey, 67% of Trump voters reported choosing him because he “makes liberals cry,” which isn’t a reason — it’s a trauma response.

Dr. Wendy Clasper, a behavioral psychologist from the University of Unverified Studies, calls it “Post-Obama Brand Syndrome.” Symptoms include blaming wind turbines for divorce and thinking masculinity is stored in golf clubs.

“Trump didn’t heal people’s insecurities,” said Dr. Clasper. “He monetized them. Like if Freud were a timeshare salesman.”

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Trump Supporters Don’t Vote — They Reorder

If Trump is a brand, his voters are the recurring customers. Voting isn’t a civic duty anymore. It’s an AutoShip program.

In a 2023 parody Gallup poll, 42% of Trump voters thought “election” was the name of a new flavor of Bang Energy. A respondent from Arkansas wrote: “I vote for Trump like I vote for Chick-fil-A. Don’t ask me why. It’s just habit, patriotism, and the Lord’s spicy nuggets.”

Loyalty is so deep that in 2020, one woman tattooed “TRUMP 4EVA” on her forehead in Comic Sans. When asked about regrets, she answered, “Only that I didn’t use Papyrus, like the Declaration of Independence.”

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Trump’s Logo Should Just Be a Guy Yelling at His TV in a Recliner

Branding isn’t just logos. It’s emotional shorthand. Apple has the bitten fruit. Nike has a swoosh. Trump’s logo?
A white guy in cargo shorts shouting at Rachel Maddow through a mouthful of beef jerky.

Focus groups confirm it. In a test conducted by SpinTaxi Labs, participants were shown the Trump crest and asked, “What feeling does this invoke?”
Responses included:

• “Recliner-based patriotism”

• “Bald eagle cosplay”

• “The smell of microwave chili dogs and hairspray”

The Trump brand evokes a time when men didn’t know how to process emotions, so they just bought trucks.

Trump is that truck.

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Trump Didn’t Start a Movement — He Launched a Loyalty Program

Forget the Republican Party. What we’re witnessing is the nation’s first punch-card presidency.
Attend 10 rallies, get a free felony!

Merchandise is the altar of the Trump brand. According to a report by MAGA Market Metrics, Trump-branded products have outsold:

• The Bible (among evangelicals)

• Toothpaste (among conspiracy theorists)

• And truth (among everyone else)

One Trump donor from Nebraska admitted to owning 24 MAGA hats, a “Trumpinator” T-shirt, and something called a “Justice Hamster,” which is just a rodent with a wig.

“I know he’s grifting me,” she confessed. “But it feels good. Like when your dog eats your steak and you say, ‘That’s okay, he’s family.’”

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Trump’s Base Has More Merch Than a Taylor Swift Concert

We’re talking full-scale retail theology. MAGA flags on trucks. Trump garden gnomes. Bobbleheads. Toilet seat covers. Prayer candles.

According to the Institute for Political Swag in Tampa, Florida, 74% of Trump voters own more Trump gear than socks. One man from Tennessee turned his Dodge Ram into a mobile shrine with LED letters spelling TRUMP IS MY CO-PILOT AND MY LIFE COACH.

A MAGA gift shop in Branson, Missouri now sells:

• Trump-brand “Constitution in a Can”

• “Executive Order Cologne” (smells like golf carts and executive privilege)

• “Impeachment Repellent Spray” (bottle includes a Sharpie and untraceable cash)

Economists call it “identity economics.” Psychologists call it “consumerized nationalism.” We call it what it is: retail Stockholm syndrome.

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The Man Marketed Himself So Hard, Half of America Thinks He Invented Steak

Trump Steaks weren’t just meat. They were aspiration in beef form.

In a 2007 infomercial, Trump said, “These are the best steaks, maybe ever. I know steak.”
Critics who reviewed the steaks said they tasted like “desperation with a side of lawsuit.”

But branding doesn’t require quality. Just conviction. In 2020, Trump supporters insisted he “modernized the military” by ordering Space Force uniforms to match his skin tone.

One supporter told The Daily Moo: “You know who made America love steak again? It wasn’t Outback. It was 45. He brought us meat and missiles.”

Branding logic: If you sell it with enough flags, they’ll eat it. Even if it’s expired.

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Trump’s Influence Is So Powerful, Even His Indictments Come with a Collector’s Badge

How many presidents have action figures and mugshots?

Trump’s 2023 Georgia mugshot was the best-selling image of the year. Within hours, it appeared on:

• Hoodies

• NFTs

• Temporary tattoos

• One actual hot air balloon in South Dakota that crashed into a Bass Pro Shop

Conservatives now treat indictments like Marvel sequels.
“What’s next? Trump: Civil War? Trump: Infinity Grift?”

A MSNBC poll showed 11% of respondents thought “being indicted” was just a spicy kind of leadership.

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Nike Has ‘Just Do It,’ Apple Has ‘Think Different,’ and Trump Has ‘Blame Someone’

Trump’s slogan isn’t inspirational. It’s aspirational finger-pointing. His brand is built on the idea that life isn’t your fault — it’s someone else’s. And better yet, Trump knows exactly who to blame.

In an imaginary 2024 MAGA Motivational Seminar called “The Art of the Scapegoat,” attendees were instructed to:

• Blame wind energy for erectile dysfunction

• Blame Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for the rise in oat milk

• Blame Hunter Biden for literally anything involving Wi-Fi, war, or weeds in the lawn

Political scientist Dr. Malcolm Shamble called it “therapeutic branding.”
“The Trump brand doesn’t fix your life,” he said. “It just hands you a pre-laminated list of people to blame so you can scream into your dashboard with confidence.”

One Trump voter from Iowa testified: “I used to yell at the sky. Now I yell at pronouns. Feels better. More focused.”

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Trump Is Basically Batman for People Who Think the IRS Is the Joker

Trump is the only president whose brand arc mirrors a DC Comics origin story, except instead of watching his parents die, he watched CNN air his tax returns.

Think about it.

• Dark money lair? Check.

• Secret identity? He tweets under aliases.

• Batmobile? He had a gold-plated golf cart that once ran over Steve Bannon’s ankle.

• Symbol? Not a bat — a red hat with fonts aggressive enough to trigger migraines.

Trump rallies aren’t political events. They’re cosplay meetups for guys who think their neighbor’s recycling bin is a communist spy.

Trump has achieved what no other politician ever dared: branding himself as the billionaire vigilante of the common man.

In an absurd 2023 ad, he even stated: “I alone can fix it, and I’ll do it from a secret bunker filled with meatloaf and satellite phones.”

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If Trump Were a Soft Drink, He’d Be a Warm Can of Tab with a Shot of Adderall

There’s no better metaphor for Trump branding than imagining him bottled, carbonated, and slightly unstable.

He’s the soda you found under your car seat three months later and still considered drinking because the label said “Classic.”

According to Beverage Branding Weekly (a magazine we just made up), 39% of Trump supporters think “carbonation” is a Deep State hoax and prefer drinks that “bite back.”

Here’s a hypothetical can of TRUMP FIZZ:

• Flavor: Hotdog Water & Freedom

• Calories: Classified

• Caffeine: “Only the strong survive”

• Warning Label: “Side effects include yelling at nurses.”

Dr. Regina Stumps, a marketing consultant, said: “He’s the only man who could turn being bitter into a flavor profile.”

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Trump’s Real Superpower Is Getting Billionaires to Cosplay as Victims

Jeff Bezos owns a yacht the size of Delaware. Elon Musk controls satellites. And yet, when Trump speaks, they all gather like orphans in a Dickens novel.

Trump’s brand flips the power dynamic: the richer you are, the more you suffer. It’s reverse Robin Hood — steal from the rich’s dignity to give to their delusions.

In a totally fake but emotionally accurate 2025 interview, Elon Musk reportedly said, “Trump taught me that being booed by liberals is basically the same as being waterboarded. It’s trauma.”

The effect? America’s wealthiest men are now marketing victimhood. At the 2024 Conservative Influence Summit, billionaires swapped sob stories like kids at summer camp:

• “I had to pay capital gains. Twice.”

• “My Tesla got called ‘woke.’”

• “People expect me to tip.”

Trump’s branding has created a new identity: rich guy martyrdom. A weird hybrid of Machiavelli and country music lyrics.

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Trump Didn’t Drain the Swamp — He Just Rebranded It as a Golf Course

The original campaign promise was to eliminate corruption. What he actually did was offer it a complimentary suite at Mar-a-Lago.

Under the Trump brand, ethics got a makeover.
Bribes became consulting fees, nepotism became legacy staffing, and golf with dictators became international outreach.

The Trump Organization even offered tiered donor access:

• $100: Red hat

• $1,000: Lunch with Eric

• $10,000: Name your yacht “Subpoena This”

• $100,000: Get your felony notarized on the 18th hole

A former Mar-a-Lago waitress (disguised as “Melinda McSubpoena”) described overhearing the following at a GOP donor mixer: “You know, when Trump said he’d drain the swamp, I thought he meant ‘make it exclusive and add a tiki bar.’”

That’s Donald Trump branding in action — turn a moral obligation into an upscale resort package.

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The Trump Crest Isn’t a Symbol — It’s a QR Code for Online Conspiracy Theories

Most brand logos stand for something simple — peace, speed, excellence. The Trump crest? It’s a decoder ring for Reddit threads where punctuation goes to die.

Scan it metaphorically, and you’re sent directly to a YouTube video titled “Chemtrails Caused by Nancy Pelosi’s Eyebrows.”

One graphic designer from Brooklyn told us: “The font alone screams ‘I believe in alien patents.’ It’s like watching a medieval fever dream designed by a drunk intern at Breitbart.”

The Trump crest isn’t just heraldry. It’s heresy. It replaces noble lineage with something more primal: the unshakable conviction that Trump is both the king and the plumber of Western civilization.

An art historian with a phony Oxford degree we fabricated, Lord Digby Twerpworth, declared:
“This is the first time in history a family crest has included golf clubs, a cheeseburger, and an all-caps NDA.”

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His Fans Say, “He Speaks for Me,” But So Does a Drunk Uncle with Wi-Fi

Trump’s rhetorical genius lies in blurting whatever is on the minds of people with no internal filter and a half-charged iPad. He is the presidential form of a group chat that should’ve been deleted in 2017.

In a recent fake study conducted by The Center for Yelling at Clouds, Trump’s speech patterns were compared to:

• Drunk voicemails

• Dr. Phil transcripts

• Paranoid Yelp reviews

Still, the loyalty is unwavering.
When he said “Windmills cause cancer,” people didn’t say “That’s insane.”
They said: “Finally, someone’s talking about it.”

He doesn’t make sense — he makes vibe. He says what people feel… if what they feel is mostly heat from aluminum siding and Facebook memes.

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Trump as a Tribal Symbol of Identity

If politics is war by other means, Trumpism is now tribal tattoo by other memes.

According to fake anthropologist Dr. Shirley Cro-Magnon, “Trump doesn’t just stand for a party or policy — he stands for the collective rage of millions who believe that ‘woke’ is a venereal disease.”

The MAGA hat isn’t a hat. It’s war paint.
The Trump flag isn’t a flag. It’s a declaration of ideological turf.
The “Let’s Go Brandon” hoodie isn’t just a hoodie. It’s a medieval curse word designed by NASCAR fans.

We interviewed a self-identified “Patriot Oracle” from Missouri who explained:
“Trump isn’t a man. He’s a feeling. Like freedom. Or gout.”

Social scientists are baffled by this symbolic devotion. One Yale survey showed Trump voters scored higher on emotional attachment to Trump than:

• Their own families

• The Bible

• Indoor plumbing

“He’s not just a guy,” the Oracle told us. “He’s my emotional support warlord.”

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Neo-Medievalism in the Age of Mar-a-Lago

In the ancient world, warlords earned loyalty with power, violence, and goats. In Trump’s world, he did it with tweets, rallies, and a fake doctorate from Trump University.

A group of political mythologists at the fictional Institute for Modern Feudalism issued a 2025 white paper titled:
“Red Hats and Round Tables: The Refeudalization of American Politics.”
Their conclusion:
“Trump didn’t bring back fascism. He brought back feudalism — with merch.”

Mar-a-Lago itself resembles a neo-castle, complete with:

• Gold-leaf ceilings

• Surveilled serfs (staff)

• Peasant tributes (donations via Venmo)

Even the Trump crest is a pseudo-heraldic design stolen from an actual British noble family, because if you’re going to cosplay as a monarch, you might as well plagiarize like one.

In medieval times, kings claimed divine right. Trump simply tweeted, “I alone can fix it,” and the peasants said, “He gets me.”

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Why MAGA Hat Owners Are Just the New Knights Templar

Historically, the Knights Templar were elite warriors sworn to protect Christendom. Today’s MAGA Templars are sworn to protect:

• Gas stoves

• The integrity of 4chan

• And the belief that Taylor Swift is a psy-op

One MAGA supporter we interviewed — who legally changed his name to Sir Beefheart of Florida — explained his worldview:
“Trump is our King Arthur. Only orange. And instead of Excalibur, he pulled out a Diet Coke from the stone.”

MAGA culture isn’t about debate. It’s about ritual:

• Kiss the ring (or mugshot)

• Attend the rallies (wearing ceremonial mesh-back armor)

• Slay the dragon (usually a trans barista with an NPR tote bag)

These aren’t voters. They’re clerics. They tithe monthly via WinRed. Their sacred texts are Trump’s Truth Social posts written at 3am while watching reruns of Fox & Friends.

One scholar called it “The Church of the Perpetually Aggrieved.”

And its high priest? A man who once sold vodka in a water bottle with a gold label and called it “class in a glass.”

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Helpful Satirical Content for the Trump-Branded Soul

Here at SpinTaxi, we care deeply for the emotionally afflicted and politically merchandised. So if you or someone you love has been personally branded by Donald Trump, here are some handy survival tips.

1. Identify the symptoms.
Early warning signs include:

• An unexplained urge to shout “Fake News” at squirrels

• Thinking “globalism” is a strain of herpes

• A compulsion to start small talk with “As a patriot…”

2. Detox with irony.
Start slowly. Watch The Daily Show. Read a sentence from The Constitution. Listen to someone under 40 say the word “nuance.”

3. Replace MAGA hats with actual thinking caps.
They’re out of stock at Walmart, but you can find them near satire, empathy, and curiosity.

4. Try Non-Trump Hobbies.
Like:

• Touching grass

• Reading things that aren’t memes

• Making friends who don’t yell “lock her up” at Home Depot

5. Finally, if symptoms persist… embrace the absurd.
Because Donald Trump branding is less a political choice and more a dramatic performance art installation where nationalism meets QVC.

Or as one man in a MAGA cloak told us: “It’s not a cult. We just all believe the exact same thing and wear the exact same hat and scream in unison at invisible enemies. But not a cult.”

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Trump as the Forever Influencer

Trump didn’t run for president. He launched a channel.

The final form of Donald Trump Branding is pure, unfiltered influencer energy — except instead of hawking energy drinks and ring lights, he’s pitching civilizational collapse and a bathrobe-only dress code.

According to The Journal of Anthropological Instagram Studies, Trump is the only president in American history to:

• Sell steaks, vodka, NFTs, and private access all under the same logo

• Launch a fake university that sued its own students

• Get impeached twice and increase merch sales both times

He is the MrBeast of authoritarian leanings.

Fake social media strategist Glenda Fleece explained:
“Most influencers collapse under scandal. Trump feeds off it. Every indictment is a brand extension. Every raid is a pop-up shop. Every mugshot is new merch.”

And let’s not forget Truth Social — a platform where Trump’s thoughts are transmitted directly from his frontal lobe to the front lines of American unreason.

It’s Facebook for people who think Arby’s is a think tank.

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America as a Branded Nation-State

We used to pledge allegiance to the flag. Now, we pledge it to slogans.

MAGA is now its own country — a digital fiefdom floating somewhere between Oklahoma and Facebook. You don’t need a passport, just an avatar with a Punisher skull and a bio that says: “God, Guns, and Golf.”

One linguistics professor at the Imaginary University of Duluth, Dr. Shane “Big Sax” Trudell, explained:
“We’re seeing a linguistic shift. The Trump brand has infected American English. People now say ‘fake news’ to mean ‘my feelings are hurt.’ They say ‘deep state’ when they mean ‘I lost at Uno.’”

Even real American cities are affected.

• In Alabama, a town renamed their main street to Trump Street (previously “Science Avenue”).

• In Texas, one family converted their barn into a MAGAtemple with pews made of lawn chairs and a Confederate baptismal pool.

It’s not satire. It’s regional branding.

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Punch Cards for the Politically Possessed

If you attended 10 Trump rallies, you’re eligible for a free felony.

That’s the joke. But in 2023, it practically came true.

At least 1,234 individuals were charged with crimes connected to the Capitol riot. Many cited “direct inspiration” from Trump tweets, merch, or speeches.
One rioter wore a shirt that said “Trump 2020: Make Liberals Cry Again” — and when arrested, sobbed into a Subway napkin while blaming Pelosi for his cousin’s crypto losses.

The Trump brand doesn’t just survive scandal. It mutates through it.

One Georgia fan told us at a gun show:
*“Every time they charge him, I buy another hat. I got one for each felony. I got the Tax Evasion Trilby, the Insurrection Beanie, and the Classified Documents Fedora.”

Brand loyalty isn’t rational. It’s ritual.
Each indictment is a marketing event. Each court hearing a live taping of Survivor: Constitution Edition.

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Spiritual Reckoning with Late-Stage Consumer Democracy

So what happens when politics becomes branding?
When voters become consumers, leaders become logos, and truth becomes a discontinued flavor?

What happens is Trump.

He isn’t a glitch in democracy. He’s the ultimate product of it.

His success isn’t despite the scandals. It’s because of them. In branding, visibility is virtue. If you stay in the headlines — good or bad — you stay in the cart.

Dr. Mallory Bandwagon, professor of consumer theology, said it best:
“We didn’t elect a president. We subscribed to a premium identity.”

And we did so willingly. Not because of Trump’s ideas — but because of Trump’s branding. The emotional shorthand. The symbolism. The Big Mac of American self-delusion.

“He makes me feel seen,” said a man wearing a shirt that said, “I Identify as Tax-Exempt.”

And that’s the scariest power of all.

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Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer — neither of whom hold any stock in gold-plated neckties or dystopian golf courses.

Any resemblance to real individuals, real lawsuits, or real vodka-infused patriotism is purely intentional and deeply hilarious. If your uncle calls this “fake news,” please thank him for being the target demo.

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What the Funny People Are Saying About Donald Trump Branding

“You ever seen a guy sue a porn star and then sell Bible NFTs? That’s branding, baby.” — Ron White

“If Trump were any more of a brand, you’d have to pay royalties to mock him.” — Amy Schumer

“His followers don’t believe he’s corrupt — they believe corruption is the new patriotism.” — Chris Rock

“Donald Trump is what happens when capitalism takes acid and watches pro wrestling.” — Dave Chappelle

“There’s more MAGA merch in the Midwest than clean rivers. That’s not politics — that’s Target clearance rack energy.” — Sarah Silverman

“I tried to impeach my Uncle Marty from Thanksgiving once. Still less drama than Trump’s cabinet meetings.” — Larry David

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Auf Wiedersehen, patriots.
And remember: in the great brand pyramid of democracy, never punch up without a coupon.

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Trump as a Brand: The Great American Combo Meal

1. Trump is the Only Human to Trademark an Emotion — ‘Insecurity.’
He made half the country proud of their inner rage and the other half question whether sarcasm is still a viable political strategy.

2. Trump Supporters Don’t Vote — They Reorder.
“Yeah, I’ll take the #45 again, extra nationalism, hold the facts.”

3. Trump’s Logo Should Just Be a Guy Yelling at His TV in a Recliner.
Because nothing screams “freedom” like screaming at Wolf Blitzer with a Coors Light in one hand and a bald eagle on your shoulder.

4. Trump Didn’t Start a Movement — He Launched a Loyalty Program.
“Collect ten impeachments and get a free rally!”

5. Trump’s Base Has More Merch Than a Taylor Swift Concert.
Hats, flags, NFTs, even toilet paper. At this point, MAGA is less a political movement and more a lifestyle brand for people who still own flip phones.

6. The Man Marketed Himself So Hard, Half of America Thinks He Invented Steak.
“Sir, do you want that medium or Trump-well done? That’s where we ruin the meat and charge double.”

7. Trump’s Influence is So Powerful, Even His Indictments Come with a Collector’s Badge.
“Now with 34 felony counts! Collect ‘em all before the deep state steals ‘em!”

8. Nike Has ‘Just Do It,’ Apple Has ‘Think Different,’ and Trump Has ‘Blame Someone.’
And it works! Branding is so effective, his catchphrase might as well be: “You’re fired… from democracy.”

9. Trump is the Only Politician Whose Supporters Get Mad if You Bring Up Politics.
“Don’t talk politics at dinner — unless it’s about the guy we think was sent by God to renegotiate the Constitution like a casino lease.”

10. Trump is Basically Batman for People Who Think the IRS is the Joker.
He even has a symbol — it’s just a spray tan outline glowing over Mar-a-Lago like the Bat-Signal at a Boca Raton country club.

11. If Trump Were a Soft Drink, He’d Be a Warm Can of Tab with a Shot of Adderall.
Confusing, retro, banned in some states, and inexplicably still on shelves.

12. Trump’s Real Superpower Is Getting Billionaires to Cosplay as Victims.
“My private jet was delayed 15 minutes. Thanks, Biden.”

13. Trump Didn’t Drain the Swamp — He Just Rebranded It as a Golf Course.
“These aren’t grifters — they’re course pros at the ninth hole of liberty!”

14. The Trump Crest Isn’t a Symbol — It’s a QR Code for Online Conspiracy Theories.
Scan it and you’re redirected to a 20-minute rant by a retired chiropractor named Earl about the gold standard and secret lizard cabals.

15. His Fans Say, “He Speaks for Me,” But So Does a Drunk Uncle with Wifi.
And like most drunk uncles, he’s banned from multiple platforms but still finds a way to ruin Thanksgiving.

 

TRUMP BRANDING IMAGES

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