Category: Comedy

Police Overwhelmed as Revolutionary Purity Tests Hit the Streets

New York City—In a dramatic turn of events, self-identified Marxists have surrounded Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer’s residence, claiming he is “insufficiently committed to the revolutionary cause.” The group, wearing berets and carrying pocket copies of The Communist Manifesto, overwhelmed police who attempted to extract Schumer from his home, leading to a full-scale ideological street battle.

Schumer, long regarded as a pillar of the Democratic establishment, was reportedly “deeply confused” by the demands but attempted to reason with the crowd by reciting FDR’s New Deal policies. This only angered the protestors further.

“Schumer is a Capitalist Lapdog,” Say Protestors

The Marxist demonstrators, numbering in the hundreds, claim they represent the “ideologically pure 29%” of the country—although sources indicate this percentage may have been pulled from a TikTok comment section.

One protestor, who identified himself only as Comrade Steve, shouted through a bullhorn:
“Schumer has spent too long in Washington compromising with capitalist pigs! We demand full collectivization, the abolition of billionaires, and free oat milk for all!”

Another masked activist added,
“Only pure communism can defeat Trump, Musk, and whatever billionaire buys Twitter next!”

Banners featuring Karl Marx, Lenin, and Bernie Sanders were raised above the crowd, with the latter photo featuring the caption: “Almost there, but not enough.”

Schumer Attempts to Appeal to Protestors, Fails Miserably

Witnesses report that Schumer tried multiple strategies to de-escalate the situation. At first, he attempted to cite his progressive voting record, but the crowd responded with boos and chants of “Schumer is a bootlicker for the bourgeoisie!”

He then switched tactics, announcing, “I too, dislike Elon Musk.” This temporarily quieted the mob, but their rage reignited when he failed to denounce Jeff Bezos with equal enthusiasm.

Battle in the Streets: Police Versus Theoretical Purity

As police attempted to break up the protest, they were met with an unexpected challenge—protestors engaged in prolonged political debates before resisting arrest.

“Before you arrest me, officer, let’s discuss the dialectical materialism of law enforcement in a capitalist society,” one protestor was heard saying, causing several officers to retreat in confusion.

Another screamed, “Marxism demands resistance! But also, can someone Venmo me for Uber home?”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I’d take these guys seriously, but every time they form a political movement, they spend more time debating each other than actually achieving anything.” — Dave Chappelle

“You know it’s bad when Chuck Schumer, a guy who’s been in office since the Peloponnesian War, isn’t liberal enough for the left.” — Bill Maher

“Marxists protesting in Brooklyn? Are we sure this isn’t just an NYU political science club trying to go viral?” — John Mulaney

The Demands: Full Communism Now

The protestors have issued a list of demands, including:

• The nationalization of all billionaires, except the cool ones like Mr. Beast
• The replacement of all U.S. currency with “solidarity credits” that can only be used at worker-owned co-ops
• Mandatory Karl Marx readings in public schools, preferably in Comic Sans for accessibility
• Elimination of the Senate, unless it can be replaced with a Direct Democratic People’s Collective (DDPC)

Schumer has reportedly retreated to an undisclosed location to “reassess whether wearing a Lenin pin would help or hurt his image.”

Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders Reacts

Senator Bernie Sanders, the closest thing America has to a Marxist mascot, weighed in on the situation:

“Look, I have been fighting against the billionaire class my entire life. But let’s be real here—Schumer is not the enemy. The enemy is Ticketmaster!”

As of now, the Marxist mob has refused to leave unless their demands are met—or until they run out of cold brew coffee.

Auf Wiedersehen!

15 Observations on the Marxist Siege of Chuck Schumer’s Home

The Great Marxist Siege of Chuck Schumer’s Home: A Battle for Ideological Purity

New York City witnessed history in the making last night as a battalion of self-proclaimed Marxists stormed the streets, laying siege to Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer’s home. Their grievance? Schumer wasn’t communist enough.

As police attempted to restore order, they were met with a fierce resistance of philosophy debates, homemade oat-milk barricades, and unrequested lectures on dialectical materialism. What follows is a blow-by-blow breakdown of one of the most absurd ideological showdowns of our time.

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1. The First Shots Were Fired in a Debate, Not a Battle

Police arrived in riot gear, expecting Molotov cocktails but getting Trotsky quotes instead. Officers attempted to clear the streets, but protestors halted them by asking them to define “proletariat” without using Wikipedia.

One officer later reported:
“I was ready for violence, not a 45-minute debate on ‘historical materialism.’ I just wanted to go home and watch ‘Blue Bloods,’ man.”

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2. Tear Gas Was Rendered Ineffective by Protestor Resilience Training

Years of protesting at Occupy Wall Street, climate marches, and their cousin’s vegan wedding in Portland had rendered the crowd immune to traditional police tactics.

When officers deployed tear gas, protestors simply mistook it for an artisanal incense vendor. One individual even held out a mason jar, attempting to “capture the essence of state oppression” for later analysis.

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3. Schumer Tried to Appeal to the Crowd—It Only Made Things Worse

In a desperate attempt to calm the mob, Schumer leaned out of his window and reminded them of his progressive voting record.

“I voted for student loan relief!” he shouted.

The crowd responded with a unified chant: “But you didn’t eliminate landlords, Chuck!”

Realizing he was losing ground, Schumer pivoted:
“I also don’t like Elon Musk!”

This bought him exactly 12 seconds of peace before someone shouted: “Then why didn’t you nationalize Tesla?”

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4. Police Were Unprepared for the Bureaucratic Nightmare of Arresting Marxists

The NYPD attempted to make arrests, but protestors refused to comply until they were granted a fair “People’s Tribunal” with a jury of their fellow workers.

One officer, exhausted by the legal theory being thrown at him, begged a protestor to just get in the car. The protestor countered by demanding to read the arresting officer’s “class analysis” before cooperating.

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5. Barricades Were Constructed Using Free Library Boxes and Organic Granola Bins

In a show of collective spirit, protestors fortified their position with oat milk cartons, discarded Karl Marx biographies, and surplus Whole Foods tote bags.

One particularly inspired anarchist managed to construct an entire barricade out of vintage Bernie Sanders bumper stickers. Experts believe this to be the first political movement funded entirely by Etsy.

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6. Battle Cries Included “No War but Class War!” and “Landlords are the Real Looters!”

While most riots feature explosive slogans like “No Justice, No Peace,” this one had a more theoretical flair.

Among the more popular rallying cries:

• “Property is Theft! And So Is Grubhub’s 30% Service Fee!”
• “If We Must Suffer, So Must the Bourgeoisie!”
• “Healthcare Should Be a Human Right, But That Doesn’t Mean You Should Skip Therapy, Brian!”

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7. The Most Violent Weapon Used Was a Strongly Worded Manifesto

Rather than throwing bricks, protestors distributed handwritten pamphlets denouncing neoliberalism and advocating for universal healthcare, complete with footnotes and suggested readings.

One officer was reportedly “briefly stunned” after being handed a 17-page zine titled: “Why Chuck Schumer is the Poster Child for Late-Stage Capitalism.”

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8. A Masked Protestor Held Up a Sign Reading: “Yes, I Have a Roth IRA. What’s Your Point?”

Despite their staunch opposition to capitalism, many of the protestors still admitted to having a 401(k), Venmo accounts, and Whole Foods membership cards.

One particularly honest activist was overheard confessing:
“I despise capitalism, but my Fidelity account is absolutely killing it right now.”

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9. Elon Musk Was Randomly Declared Enemy Number One

Despite the protest being about Schumer, Elon Musk’s name came up more than anyone else’s.

One speaker yelled, “Musk is an oligarch masquerading as an internet troll!”
Another countered, “Actually, he’s a state-funded oligarch masquerading as an internet troll!”

By the end of the night, the crowd was debating whether SpaceX was a greater capitalist evil than Amazon.

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10. Bernie Sanders’ Face Was Projected Onto the Sky Like a Socialist Bat-Signal

A group of protestors shined a flashlight through a Bernie Sanders cutout, projecting his wispy-haired silhouette onto the buildings.

While it failed to summon Bernie himself, it did attract a local organic food co-op, which offered everyone 10% off their next fair-trade coffee purchase.

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11. The Protest Ended in a Splinter Group Schism

As expected, the Marxist movement collapsed into infighting.

One faction demanded full communism immediately, while another insisted on a gradual shift to socialism with “market-friendly elements.”

A full-blown ideological fistfight broke out over whether Sweden or the Soviet Union was a better model for the future.

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12. One Protestor Yelled, “Revolution Now!” While Applying for a Tech Internship

A dedicated revolutionary was seen yelling anti-capitalist slogans while simultaneously updating his LinkedIn profile and submitting an application to Google.

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13. A Police Officer Was Temporarily Converted to Marxism

Officer Steve, initially skeptical, found himself agreeing with the protestors.

“Wait a minute,” he muttered. “If billionaires really paid their fair share, maybe my salary wouldn’t suck.”

By the end of the night, he was seen Googling “What’s in the Communist Manifesto?”

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14. Schumer Was Extracted, but Not Before Offering a Middle-Ground Solution

As police cleared the area, Schumer waved from his security vehicle, shouting:
“I propose a tax credit for revolutionaries!”

The entire crowd booed in perfect unison.

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15. The Protest Only Ended When Everyone Realized Their Rent Was Due

By sunrise, the crowd began to disperse—not because they had given up, but because it was the first of the month.

One exhausted protestor sighed:
“Landlords are the worst… but also, I really don’t want a late fee.”

And so, with a reluctant shuffle, the revolutionaries disappeared into the Brooklyn subway system, ready to complain about capitalism on Twitter once they got home.

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Final Thoughts: Is Schumer Safe?

Chuck Schumer has reportedly retreated to an undisclosed location where he is re-reading The Communist Manifesto in an attempt to understand where he went wrong.

Meanwhile, the protestors vow to return… right after they finish watching ‘Succession.’

Auf Wiedersehen!

 

Tech Bro Suggests Banning Innovation So America Can Dominate the Rubble Economy

“Why Build the Future When We Can Own the Wreckage?”

Silicon Valley venture capitalist Brody Maximillion IV—self-described “thought leader,” part-time ketamine influencer, and full-time heir to a railroad fortune—has proposed a bold new economic strategy: ban innovation and outsource destiny to foreigners so Americans can control the rubble economy.

“It’s simple,” Maximillion said during his latest TEDx talk, given exclusively to a room of other trust-fund tech bros pretending to take notes on their MacBooks. “The problem isn’t that we’re falling behind in AI, space travel, or clean energy. The problem is that we’re still trying. Let China and India invent the future. Let Europe worry about ethics. Let Brazil build green cities. Meanwhile, we’ll just focus on monetizing collapse.”

According to Maximillion, America’s biggest export should be smugness—not technology, manufacturing, or innovation. “The beauty of this strategy,” he explained, “is that while other nations are busy making things, we’re buying up everything they abandon when their projects inevitably fail. It’s like venture capital, but for civilization itself.”

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The Business Model: Own the Ashes, Sell the Shovels

Maximillion envisions a world where America is the hedge fund of societal ruin. As other nations advance into the next era, the U.S. will specialize in waiting for their inevitable failures, then swooping in to buy the ruins at rock-bottom prices.

“Imagine a world where Silicon Valley doesn’t have to make new products anymore,” he said, adjusting his ironic vintage Google Glass. “We just wait for someone else to build, watch them collapse under their own ambition, and then turn their ghost towns into NFT-based survival resorts.”

His proposal, dubbed “Manifest Dumpster-ny,” includes:

• The “Crypto Chernobyl” Plan – Where failed smart cities like Saudi Arabia’s NEOM are bought at auction and turned into exclusive doomsday bunkers for billionaires.
• The “Detroitification of Progress” Initiative – Where promising technologies are abandoned so venture capitalists can strip them for parts and sell them back as nostalgia products. (See: the resurgence of flip phones.)
• The “Fyre Festival World Economy” – Where the U.S. stops making real things and instead sells people the idea of innovation, without ever delivering.

“We’ve been testing this concept with Web3, and it’s working great,” Maximillion added. “We create hype, crash the market, and then move on to the next thing before anyone asks for a refund.”

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Expert Opinions: “This is Either Genius or a Symptom of Lead Poisoning”

Economists have mixed reactions to Maximillion’s plan.

Dr. Linda Finkelstein, professor of Economic Absurdity at Stanford, believes the idea is already in motion. “We’ve essentially banned useful innovation by turning everything into a subscription model,” she said. “At this point, we don’t even own our refrigerators. We rent them from corporations that charge extra to keep the milk cold.”

Meanwhile, tech ethicist Raj Patel warns that America embracing the rubble economy could make things even worse. “If we stop inventing things, we’ll just be left with reality TV and Elon Musk’s Twitter meltdowns. Is that really the future we want?”

When presented with this critique, Maximillion shrugged. “Elon is a perfect example. He didn’t invent electric cars—he just bought Tesla and let other people fail. That’s the model.”

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“This plan is genius! Why waste money on research when you can just wait for someone else to do it and steal their lunch money?” — Dave Chappelle

“This is exactly how America treats climate change—deny it, ignore it, then charge people for bottled air.” — John Oliver

“We already banned innovation—it’s called Congress.” — Stephen Colbert

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“Helpful” Content for SpinTaxi Readers

If Maximillion’s plan becomes reality, Americans should start preparing now. Here’s how:

1. Learn to barter – Cash is useless in the rubble economy. Hoard ramen packets and vintage Beanie Babies instead.
2. Invest in nostalgia – The past is more valuable than the future. Buy VHS tapes and rotary phones before they become luxury items.
3. Join a billionaire’s apocalypse cult – There’s a nonzero chance you’ll need a spot in Peter Thiel’s bunker. Act now before prices go up!

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Satirical Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real tech bros is completely intentional and deeply concerning.

15 Observations About Banning Innovation

1. America would instantly be the global leader in artisanal candle-making—which is great, because without innovation, electricity will be retro.

2. The tech industry would pivot to “vintage computing”—aka repackaging 1990s dial-up internet as “Rustic WiFi”.

3. Elon Musk would be forced to sell hand-drawn sketches of electric cars on Etsy—and call it “Tesla Classic.”

4. The government would have to start censoring old episodes of The Jetsons—too much dangerous propaganda about innovation!

5. Without new technology, we’d bring back medieval guilds—except instead of blacksmiths, we’d have “Certified Instagram Alchemists.”

6. All venture capital would go into reinventing the wheel—but this time, as a subscription service. (Wheel+: Only $14.99 a month!)

7. Startup bros would pivot to selling “handcrafted, organic fire”—because innovation is banned, but marketing BS never dies.

8. iPhones would be replaced with scrolls—but don’t worry, they’d still cost $1,200 and require a carrier pigeon data plan.

9. We’d finally solve the AI problem—by replacing it with slightly smarter rocks. (“Introducing iRock: It just sits there, but in a disruptive way.”)

10. Zoom meetings would be replaced by shouting across fields—HR would still send a memo about “optimizing your yodeling posture.”

11. Influencers would start claiming they “discovered” indoor plumbing—but only if they can sell you a Platinum VIP Chamber Pot Experience.

12. Jeff Bezos would have to make money the old-fashioned way—by running a slightly evil general store instead of a global empire.

13. Instead of self-driving cars, we’d go back to self-walking people—though Uber would still find a way to charge for it.

14. The most high-tech object in America would be the spork—but only available to premium subscribers.

15. Without innovation, corporations would start “re-releasing” old products and charging more for them—oh wait, they already do that. (Looking at you, Apple.)

Running After Mammoths vs Farming

For centuries, humanity has sought to pinpoint the greatest technological achievement in history. Was it the steam engine? The internet? The Roomba? No. According to a shocking new report, the biggest breakthrough wasn’t digital, mechanical, or even a wildly successful Kickstarter campaign. It was—brace yourselves—agriculture.

Yes, that thing we take for granted every time we push a cart through the grocery store, angrily wondering why tomatoes now cost more than a down payment on a car.

And while we may scoff at our caveman ancestors for their lack of Wi-Fi and disturbingly casual relationship with personal hygiene, it turns out they accidentally created modern civilization by sticking some seeds in the dirt and waiting around. A risky investment strategy, to be sure, but it somehow paid off better than crypto.

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How We Went from ‘Running After Mammoths’ to ‘Standing in Line at Whole Foods’

Long before the invention of kombucha, human beings were professional nomads, wandering from place to place, avoiding sabertooth tigers, and basically living out an eternal camping trip. They subsisted by hunting, foraging, and picking berries with the same enthusiasm that your aunt Karen picks through clearance bins at T.J. Maxx.

Then, roughly 12,000 years ago, someone had a wild idea:

“What if we just stayed put and let food come to us?”

Historians remain uncertain whether this revelation was due to intelligence or sheer laziness, but whatever the case, it led to the rise of farming and, subsequently, human civilization. And like every great innovation, it brought a mix of benefits and existential crises.

Hunting-Gathering vs. Farming: A Totally Scientific Comparison

That’s right—early agriculture didn’t just give us bread, it also gave us beer, which experts agree was humanity’s first true incentive to keep farming.

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The Real Reason Humans Settled Down: Drunkenness and Property Disputes

“People think we settled down for food security,” explains Dr. Neil Trowbridge, historian and author of From Spears to Spoons: How We Screwed Ourselves Into Farming.

“In reality, beer was the real game-changer. Once humans figured out how to ferment grains, they were hooked. You can’t exactly nomadically roam the plains when you have a fresh batch of ale fermenting back at the hut.”

Indeed, archeological digs suggest that brewing was one of the earliest human endeavors, proving that before we cared about art, literature, or indoor plumbing, we cared about getting tipsy.

But alcohol wasn’t the only thing keeping people rooted to the land. Once they started farming, people realized they needed fences, and before you knew it, the first HOA meetings were born. Suddenly, a peaceful life of foraging turned into bitter disputes over whose goats kept wandering into whose wheat fields.

One can only imagine an early village elder sitting in the first-ever town hall meeting, rubbing his temples as two families bicker over whether Uggh’s cow is eating Thag’s crops.

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The Agricultural Revolution: Humanity’s First Big Mistake?

Now, before we get all misty-eyed about the dawn of civilization, let’s remember that farming was not all sunshine and free-range chickens.

By transitioning from hunter-gathering to farming, early humans made a crucial mistake: they introduced themselves to “work.”

“Life as a hunter-gatherer wasn’t easy,” says Dr. Lisa Hawkins, anthropologist at the University of Idaho, “but it was certainly more flexible. You worked as needed, then took naps in caves. Farming, on the other hand, introduced rigid schedules, which led to calendars, which led to deadlines, which led to people having anxiety for the first time.”

Other “Genius” Side Effects of Agriculture:

• Social hierarchy! – Because someone had to decide who got the biggest granary.
• Overpopulation! – Because suddenly, people were having way too much grain-fed sex.
• War! – Because why share resources when you can just stab your neighbor?
• Taxes! – Because some jerk figured out they could charge people for farming the land they were already farming.

Essentially, agriculture did not make life easier—it just made it more complicated. But hey, at least we got bread out of it.

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And Then Came Capitalism: When We Stopped Farming for Ourselves and Started Farming for Profit

If early farming was about survival, modern farming is about making serious cash.

Take a look at any Whole Foods price tag, and you’ll realize we’ve come a long way from primitive grain storage.

Instead of growing food for subsistence, we now grow it to maximize shareholder value. Consider the following:

• A single ear of corn in a store costs more than an entire field of corn 200 years ago.
• A loaf of artisanal sourdough is worth more than your college degree.
• Eggs are so expensive that people have started adopting chickens as emotional support animals.

And yet, despite thousands of years of technological advancement, we are still terrified of droughts, soil depletion, and bad harvests. The difference is, now we panic about it while scrolling on smartphones.

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The Future of Farming: A Return to Our Roots?

As food prices soar and climate change turns the planet into a preheated oven, there’s a growing movement of people trying to reconnect with the land.

Some are even returning to traditional farming methods, which is a polite way of saying, “getting really into homesteading and goats.”

“We’re seeing a resurgence of people growing their own food,” says Sasha Pennington, a Brooklyn-based urban farmer who has converted her studio apartment balcony into a functional wheat field. “People realize that controlling their own food supply is both empowering and a great excuse to avoid social events.”

Meanwhile, tech billionaires have a different vision for farming:

• Vertical farming! Because why grow crops on the ground when you can build a wheat skyscraper?
• Lab-grown meat! Because nothing screams “appetizing” like a burger made in a petri dish.
• AI-powered tractors! Because if robots take our jobs, they might as well plant tomatoes while they’re at it.

The irony? After centuries of trying to make farming more efficient, we’re realizing that maybe, just maybe, our ancestors knew what they were doing.

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Final Thoughts: Was Agriculture a Blessing or a Curse?

So, was agriculture the greatest technological development in history? Or was it humanity’s first big blunder?

Let’s review:

• It gave us cities, civilizations, and sandwiches (huge win).
• It also gave us taxation, war, and overpriced organic produce (huge loss).
• It made life more predictable (good).
• It also made life feel like an endless to-do list (bad).

In the end, maybe agriculture was neither a total triumph nor a total disaster—just a weird, complicated, inevitable step in human evolution.

But if you ever find yourself standing in the grocery store, staring at a $10 avocado and wondering how we got here, just remember:

It all started with one lazy caveman who just really didn’t feel like chasing a mammoth that day.

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A Civilization-Breaking News Exclusive

What the Funny People are Saying

“Agriculture gave us bread, but at what cost?” — John Mulaney

“We domesticated cows, and now they judge us from their fields. Who’s the real winner here?” — Ali Wong

“If farming is so easy, why does every tomato plant I own die immediately?” — Jerry Seinfeld

“We spent thousands of years inventing agriculture so we could eat better. Now we’re paying $12 for a salad with three leaves in it.” — Jim Gaffigan

“Hunter-gatherers used to wake up, eat berries, and take a nap. Now, I wake up, check my emails, and have a panic attack. Progress!” — Nate Bargatze

“Farming gave us beer, but it also gave us gluten allergies. I feel like that cancels out.” — John Mulaney

“You know farming was a mistake because now we have something called ‘Kale Chips.’” — Ali Wong

“Agriculture is just humanity’s long-winded way of admitting, ‘Yeah, we got tired of running after our food.’” — Ron White

“Farming was humanity’s first group project, and just like all group projects, half the people refused to do any work.” — Bill Burr

“Before agriculture, there was no such thing as ‘Monday.’ Let that sink in.” — Lewis Black

“Imagine explaining Whole Foods prices to the first farmer. ‘Yeah, people will spend their entire paycheck on an avocado.’” — Trevor Noah

“Cavemen invented farming so they wouldn’t have to chase mammoths anymore. Now I’m chasing a treadmill so I don’t die of carbs. What a full-circle moment.” — Sebastian Maniscalco

“I tried growing my own food once. Turns out, food really likes to die.” — Taylor Tomlinson

“Hunter-gatherers never had to deal with landlords. If I could trade Wi-Fi for free rent in a cave, I’d do it.” — Dave Chappelle

“If we had just kept hunting and gathering, we wouldn’t have to sit through HOA meetings today.” — Kevin Hart

“Agriculture made life easier, but it also made taxes possible. So… thanks?” — Sarah Silverman

“Farmers figured out how to grow food. Then capitalism figured out how to charge you extra for the organic version of the same food.” — Chris Rock

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Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual historical events is entirely accurate, albeit exaggerated for comedic effect.

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15 Observations on the Advent of Agriculture

1. Agriculture: The Original ‘Farmville’ Addiction

   Imagine ancient humans obsessing over their crops, much like we do with virtual farms today.

2. From Hunter-Gatherers to Hunter-Gathering Recipes

   Once we settled down, the real quest began: finding the perfect paleo diet.

3. Domesticating Animals: The First Reality TV Show

   Who needs drama series when you have goats refusing to be herded?

4. Irrigation: Ancient Man’s Version of Indoor Plumbing

   Because even then, nobody wanted to trek to the river before their morning coffee.

5. The Invention of the Plow: Early Man’s Midlife Crisis Purchase

   “I could get a sports chariot, or… hear me out… a plow!”

6. Crop Rotation: Farming’s Answer to ‘I’m Bored’

   When ancient farmers got tired of the same old grain, they invented crop rotation.

7. Barns: The Original Man Caves

   A place where early farmers could escape and ponder, “Why did we stop hunting again?”

8. Scarecrows: Proof That Even Crows Fear Bad Fashion

   Nothing says “stay away” like grandpa’s old tunic stuffed with hay.

9. Granaries: Ancient World’s Attempt at ‘Saving for Retirement’

   Because you never know when a famine or a surprise visit from in-laws might hit.

10. Fertilizer: When Nature Calls… You Answer

    Early farmers realized that sometimes, you have to deal with crap to grow.

11. Weeding: The Original Whac-A-Mole Game

    No matter how many you pull, they just keep popping up.

12. Harvest Festivals: Celebrating Not Starving

    “We didn’t die this year! Let’s party!”

13. Stone Sickle: Because Nothing Says Efficiency Like a Dull Rock

    Early tools made harvesting a real ‘cutting-edge’ experience.

14. Trading Crops: The First Stock Exchange

    “I’ll give you three bushels of wheat for that fancy new spear.”

15. Farming: Turning ‘Playing in the Dirt’ into a Profession

    Who knew that mud pies would lead to civilization?

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Note: The above observations are satirical in nature and not based on actual events or statements.