Category: Comedy

“I’m Just Saying”: The Social Apocalypse Triggered by 15 Phrases That Ruined Civilization

The awkward verbal habits that tanked marriages, meetings, and modern manners—one cringe comment at a time.

By Ellis “Mumbler” McGraw — Social Skills Editor Emeritus, SpinTaxi Magazine (Est. 1947)

We live in a society. At least we used to—until it collapsed under the weight of a thousand uncomfortable phrases mumbled over lukewarm coffee and failed Tinder dates. While scientists once feared AI or nuclear war might be our undoing, new research from the prestigious University of People-Who-Make-Everything-Weird has confirmed the real culprit: socially awkward people and the things they say to you at work, weddings, and Walmart.

According to a 2025 study titled “Verbal Flatulence in Modern Interpersonal Contexts,” 73% of all emotional breakdowns are preceded by someone saying “I’m just being honest.” Another 19% begin with, “No offense, but…” followed by something so offensive it requires three therapists and a 10-day silent retreat to undo.

We here at SpinTaxi Magazine have compiled the top 15 most socially disastrous phrases—words that transform mild-mannered humans into conversational dumpster fires. We provide this list not to shame, but to prepare. If you hear one of these in the wild, run. Or better yet, fake a phone call. Say you’ve just been called in to emergency cat surgery. No one questions cat emergencies.

Let’s dive into these weaponized word-bombs.

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“I Know, Right?”

Translation: I haven’t listened to a word you’ve said, but I’d like to sound like I did.

This phrase is the Swiss Army knife of bad listeners. It’s a verbal screensaver. A sound people emit when they want to seem interested while checking their phone under the table.

Dr. Ivy Cringe, a behavioral psychologist from Fresno Community College, notes, “Saying ‘I know, right?’ during a serious conversation is like honking at a funeral.”

Case Study: When a woman at a support group for divorcees shared, “He left me for a pastry chef,” her friend replied, “I know, right?” The group’s silence was broken only by the sound of someone choking on a biscotti.

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“It’s Not My Fault”

Ah yes, the rallying cry of toddlers and tech CEOs alike.

Context: Used to deny any and all responsibility, even in situations where the speaker is literally holding the broken lamp.

Historical Use: First recorded in 1986, when a man named Gerald accidentally ran over his neighbor’s mailbox and claimed it “jumped into the street like a suicidal cast member from Cats.”

Psychologist Brenda No-Chill, author of “Accountability is for Losers,” says this phrase has led to more ghostings than Mercury in retrograde.

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“Whatever”

Short but deadly. Like a conversational drive-by shooting.

Often used to shut down arguments, deflect feelings, or let the world know that someone peaked emotionally during a mid-2000s Avril Lavigne concert.

Sociolinguistic Insight: In 92% of cases, “whatever” is used in place of a full sentence because the speaker has the emotional range of a saltine cracker.

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“I Don’t Care”

Irony Alert: The people who say this often care the most. They’ll say “I don’t care” and then write a Facebook post about it that’s 9 paragraphs long and includes quotes from Buddha and Oprah.

Comedian Observation:
“I told my cousin I didn’t care who she married. Then I blocked her wedding hashtag for six months. That’s the kind of apathy that takes effort.”
—Ron White

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“I’m Just Being Honest”

Weaponized sincerity. Honesty, when offered without a filter, is just cruelty in a cute sweater.

Psychological Impact: Telling your friend, “You look tired and bloated today,” may be “just honesty,” but it’s also a great way to get uninvited from brunch.

A 2024 survey by the National Institute of Honesty Trauma found that 88% of people who “were just being honest” were also “just being slapped.”

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“Sorry, I’m Just Tired”

The multi-purpose excuse for everything from murder to forgetting your anniversary.

Scientific Note: Tired people yawn. They don’t forget your name and eat your lunch out of the fridge at work.

Personal Anecdote: I once told my ex I was “just tired” after ghosting her for two weeks. She said, “Sleep forever, then,” and mailed me a pillow with my own tear stains.

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“I Don’t Need Anyone”

Used By: Self-help addicts, freshly dumped men named Chad, and Instagram poets.

Translation: I absolutely need someone, preferably right now, and I’ll settle for a DoorDash driver who makes eye contact.

Sociologist Terry Clingstein notes this phrase often precedes a 2 a.m. voicemail that begins with “Hey… you up?”

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“That’s Just the Way I Am”

Psychological Loophole used to avoid therapy and basic decency.

If someone says this after chewing with their mouth open or criticizing your life choices, it’s code for, “I’ve been a problem since 4th grade and I refuse to grow.”

Satirical Observation:
“Serial killers could say the same thing. Doesn’t mean we should accept it at brunch.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

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“No Offense, But…”

You know offense is coming. You feel it. It’s like hearing the Jaws theme.

This phrase has preceded statements like:

• “No offense, but your baby looks like a potato.”

• “No offense, but your degree is useless.”

• “No offense, but you should be single forever.”

In legal circles, this phrase is referred to as “Premeditated Rudeness.”

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“I’m Just Saying”

The conversational eject button.

Usually follows a comment that would start a fight in any decent bar.
Ex: “You’ve gained weight since college. I’m just saying.”

Social Science Note: A 2022 peer-reviewed journal called this phrase “the verbal equivalent of a hit-and-run.”

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“Calm Down”

Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down after being told to calm down.

This phrase is now banned in 14 countries and all brunches where mimosas are served.

Cultural Example: When Jan from HR told her coworker to calm down after being passed over for promotion, Jan’s tires were calmly slashed in alphabetical order.

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“You Look Tired”

A compliment disguised as a tranquilizer dart.

Actual Meaning: “You look like you were dragged through a hedge by life and then rolled in existential despair.”

Survey Says: 93% of recipients report an immediate desire to cry or apply concealer. Sometimes both.

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“It’s Just a Joke”

Ah, comedy. The final refuge of people who were never funny.

Common Usage: After an offensive or dumb comment bombs in a group setting.
Ex: “Your mom’s cooking tastes like hospital food. Just a joke!”

Statistical Fact: 71% of “just jokes” are followed by uncomfortable silence and regret.

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“I’m Not Like Other People”

Spoiler: They are.

This phrase is often followed by a personality so generic it could be sold at IKEA.

Case Study: A man once whispered this to a woman at a book club. He later confessed he doesn’t read, but he owns a Kindle “for aesthetics.”

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“I Was Just Trying to Help”

A noble sentiment, if only it weren’t offered right after ruining everything.

Examples include:

• “I fixed your résumé, now it says you’re fluent in Latin.”

• “I told your mom you’re gay because I thought she knew.”

• “I deleted all your exes from your phone—you’re welcome!”

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The Scientific Toll: Diagnosing “Phrase-Induced Social Erosion”

According to fake research from the Department of Awkward Dynamics at SpinTaxi University, repeated exposure to these phrases can cause:

• Resting Flinch Face

• Empathy Withdrawal Syndrome

• Chronic Ghosting

• Memory Loss of Birthdays

Dr. Lenny Vague, chair of Modern Etiquette Studies, explains: “When you hear these phrases five times in a week, your social nervous system collapses like a Jenga tower in a preschool.”

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The Workplace Crisis

HR departments have reported a 400% increase in interpersonal email wars beginning with some variant of “No offense, but…” followed by suggestions like “maybe you should lead fewer meetings” or “have you tried deodorant?”

One anonymous HR rep revealed, “The phrase ‘I’m just being honest’ is now a fireable offense. Last guy used it to explain why he refused to sign Susan’s birthday card. We had to evacuate.”

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Relationships in Ruin

Couples therapists are tired. Very tired.

Therapist Angie “Why Do I Bother” Rosenblatt told SpinTaxi:
“These phrases are napalm to intimacy. If I hear ‘whatever’ one more time during couples’ therapy, I’m prescribing helmets.”

One couple’s marriage nearly imploded over the phrase “you look tired” before their anniversary dinner. The husband tried to recover with, “I meant like, beautifully exhausted.” He now lives in a hammock behind a Denny’s.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“My ex said ‘I don’t need anyone.’ I said, ‘Perfect, because I’m leaving and I took the Wi-Fi with me.’”
—Ali Wong

“Every guy who says, ‘I’m just being honest,’ also says ‘I’m a nice guy’—and then throws your cat off the balcony.”
—Sarah Silverman

“‘Calm down’ is the phrase you use when you’re done being alive.”
—Bill Burr

“You look tired? Thanks. You look like a hotel carpet and no one says anything.”
—Tig Notaro

“If you ever say ‘I’m not like other people,’ just know… other people are relieved.”
—Trevor Noah

“‘It’s just a joke’ is something you say after ruining Thanksgiving.”
—Dave Chappelle

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A Better Way Forward?

Public service campaigns are now urging people to replace these phrases with healthier alternatives, such as:

• Instead of “Whatever,” try: “I’d like to revisit this after therapy.”

• Instead of “No offense, but…,” try: Nothing. Say literally nothing.

• Instead of “You look tired,” try: “You exist, and that is enough.”

The phrase “I’m just being honest” should be followed by an honesty license. No license? You get tased with empathy.

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Final Thoughts: Can We Ever Trust Language Again?

Maybe. But only if we retire these phrases to the same dusty vault where we keep “YOLO,” “on fleek,” and those inspirational Instagram captions written by people who peaked in middle school.

Until then, remember: If you’re about to say “I don’t care,” maybe you should—just a little.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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“I’m Just Being Honest”: The Phrases That Are Quietly Ruining Civilization

How 15 common expressions became the nuclear option of social interaction

By Ellis “Mumbler” McGraw
SpinTaxi Magazine | Serving Satirical Truth Since 1947

If society collapses tomorrow, historians will blame climate change, AI, or that guy who microwaved fish in the office again. But the truth is more insidious. It’s not the bombs or bots. It’s Brenda in Accounting saying, “No offense, but…” one too many times.

According to a confidential report from the Department of Social Decay, the most dangerous weapons of mass destruction aren’t guns or viruses—they’re phrases. Harmless-sounding words that, when delivered in the wild, leave behind scorched relationships, haunted dinner parties, and emotionally unstable Zoom meetings.

We’ve consulted fake experts, real therapists, burned-out baristas, and several thousand group chat transcripts to bring you this definitive breakdown of the 15 most socially destructive things people say without realizing they’re causing emotional Chernobyl.

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The Verbal Wrecking Balls: A Field Guide

“I Know, Right?”

The phrase of passive listeners and emotional benchwarmers.

Let’s be honest: “I know, right?” is just mouth static. It’s a placeholder uttered when you’ve completely checked out of a conversation but still want credit for participation.

Case Example: A woman confesses, “I think my husband is cheating on me with my sister.” Her friend responds, “I know, right?” Congratulations, you’ve been replaced by a decorative lamp.

Psychologist Dr. Ivy Cringe warns, “Excessive use of ‘I know, right?’ may cause people to forget you exist, emotionally and legally.”

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“It’s Not My Fault”

The gold medal excuse of emotional toddlers in adult bodies.

Used by everyone from toddlers to Tesla engineers. You could be holding the knife, surrounded by witnesses, and somehow still utter, “It’s not my fault.”

Famous Instance: The 2023 Tahoe Grill Fire. A man dropped a lit sparkler into a fryer and said, “It’s not my fault—I thought it was waterproof.”

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“Whatever”

Two syllables. Infinite damage.

“Whatever” is the official phrase of people who want to end the conversation faster than their data plan. It’s not a response—it’s a conversational slam door.

Linguist Summary:
“Whatever” is what people say when they want to seem chill but are actually one syllable away from a full-blown silent treatment.

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“I Don’t Care”

The lie we scream with our whole hearts.

Irony’s favorite child. People who say “I don’t care” often do so through gritted teeth, clenched fists, and a freshly typed Facebook post at 2 a.m.

Expert Insight: A 2024 poll revealed 89% of “I don’t care” statements are followed by a breakdown in the dairy aisle or a passive-aggressive playlist.

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“I’m Just Being Honest”

The napalm of interpersonal communication.

Honesty is a virtue. “I’m just being honest,” however, is honesty’s evil twin—weaponized truth with no anesthesia.

Social Fallout: “You look like someone who gave up on their dreams in 2007,” might technically be honest, but saying it to your coworker before lunch is legally regrettable.

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“Sorry, I’m Just Tired”

Used by 100% of emotionally unavailable people.

This phrase is a Swiss Army excuse—versatile, vague, and completely unverifiable. It covers everything from forgetting your anniversary to keying your neighbor’s car.

Comedian Truth Bomb:
“I’m not saying I was too tired to text back. I’m saying I had enough energy to scroll Instagram for four hours, just not for you.”
—Ali Wong

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“I Don’t Need Anyone”

Spoiler alert: Yes, you do. You need at least Wi-Fi and a ride.

Often muttered dramatically after a breakup, a fired DoorDash driver, or two glasses of Pinot Grigio.

Clinical Translation: “I don’t need anyone” means “Please text me before I start befriending Alexa.”

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“That’s Just the Way I Am”

A phrase proudly displayed in the Museum of Avoiding Accountability.

Self-awareness is growth. “That’s just the way I am” is the verbal shrug of someone who peak-evolved in high school and never looked back.

Observed Usage: Often paired with eating loudly in quiet rooms, wearing cologne to the gym, or voting exclusively based on zodiac signs.

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“No Offense, But…”

Warning: Offense imminently inbound.

This phrase is like starting a sentence with “Not to stab you, but here’s this knife…”

Observed In the Wild:
“No offense, but your baby looks like a turnip.”
“No offense, but you peaked in undergrad.”
“No offense, but your dog seems emotionally distant.”

Psychological Fact: Saying “No offense, but…” before an insult does not make it less insulting. It’s like whispering “forgiveness” before slapping someone.

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“I’m Just Saying”

Perfect for when you want plausible deniability after verbal arson.

This phrase is the conversational escape hatch for someone who knows they’ve just said something wildly inappropriate but still wants to attend brunch.

Historic Example:
“I mean, maybe she deserved it. I’m just saying.”
This was heard moments before a margarita was thrown across a Chili’s.

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“Calm Down”

The universal “screw you.”

There is no known instance in recorded history of someone calming down after being told to “calm down.”

Therapist Note: This phrase is currently banned in 19 states and all couples counseling sessions featuring scented candles.

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“You Look Tired”

Translation: You look like a before photo.

Nothing quite says “I love you” like telling someone they look like roadkill wrapped in anxiety.

Survey Result: 93% of recipients prefer to be called “disheveled swamp hag” than hear “You look tired” from a colleague before 9 a.m.

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“It’s Just a Joke”

A classic phrase used by people who are definitely not joking.

Used most often after saying something bigoted, cruel, or wildly unfunny. Usually followed by a sulking rant about “cancel culture.”

Satirical Observation:
“If you have to explain that it’s a joke, you’re either bombing or you’re the CEO of a startup comedy cult.”
—Trevor Noah

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“I’m Not Like Other People”

Said by people who are exactly like other people.

Every person who says this owns a leather-bound journal and hasn’t finished a single page. It’s quirky posturing with a beige soul.

Common Follow-Up: “I like rainy days and deep conversations.” Congratulations, you just described everyone who reads Instagram poetry in a hoodie.

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“I Was Just Trying to Help”

The final words before a friendship ends.

Almost always said after rearranging someone’s pantry, texting their ex, or forwarding them unsolicited crypto advice.

Personal Story: I once told my roommate’s girlfriend she should “probably start moisturizing.” I was “just trying to help.” She was “just trying to hit me with a cactus.”

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Satirical Science: The Psychology of Phrase Fatigue

A fake but spiritually accurate study from the SpinTaxi Center for Social Miscommunication reveals that repeated exposure to these phrases causes:

• Shrinking empathy lobes

• Phantom eye-roll syndrome

• Social paranoia

• An urge to delete group chats at 2 a.m.

Lead researcher Dr. Sharla Bluntly concluded, “These phrases operate like emotional sandpaper. Harmless in isolation. Devastating when repeated by Karen during every potluck since 2018.”

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“‘No offense, but’ is like lighting a match and saying ‘I just wanted ambiance.’”
—Bill Burr

“Every time I hear ‘I’m just saying,’ I assume I’m about to get roasted for something my mom did in 1997.”
—Sarah Silverman

“‘You look tired’ is how my dog tells me I need concealer. And he’s blind.”
—Chris Rock

“I told a guy I liked him and he said, ‘That’s just the way I am.’ Sir, you’re a pancake with Wi-Fi.”
—Tig Notaro

“‘Calm down’ is what men say right before women set their lives on fire—with grace.”
—Ali Wong

“I’m not like other people? Yeah, you’re more like a PDF that won’t open.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

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The Workplace Fallout

HR departments nationwide have formed trauma support groups for staff exposed to “I’m just being honest” during annual reviews.

Recent Memo:
“We value transparency, but if Steve says ‘You look tired’ one more time, we will retaliate using only Microsoft Teams emojis.”

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A Modest Proposal: Phrase Control Laws

We propose the following legislative reforms:

• A five-day cooling-off period before anyone says “Calm down.”

• Mandatory licensing for honesty.

• “No offense, but…” now legally counts as pre-meditated sass.

• Saying “You look tired” must be followed by a Starbucks gift card.

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Closing Argument: Retire These Phrases Like That One Uncle

These phrases, while seemingly innocent, have caused more damage to social life than pineapple on pizza. They’re not communication—they’re conversational malware.

We recommend replacing them with:

• “Tell me more.”

• “How can I support you?”

• Or just… silence. Blessed, merciful silence.

Because sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say… is nothing.

Auf Wiedersehen.

“Password1234”: How Tulsi Gabbard’s Login Habits Nearly Triggered a Hawaiian Missile Crisis 2.0

The National Security Threat of Reusing Your Ex-Boyfriend’s Name As a Password

When “Aloha” Meets “Access Denied”

In a shocking exposé that shook no one except the IT guy named Carl, The Daily Beast revealed that Tulsi Gabbard—a congresswoman, veteran, spiritual warrior, and occasional surfer—had apparently been using passwords that could be cracked by a caffeinated squirrel with an iPhone 4. According to leaked reports, her online security strategy was a combination of horoscope advice, yoga poses, and pure vibes. And yet, somehow, the nation remained standing.

So we ask the vital question: What happens when the nuclear codes are one password reset question away from “What was your first pet’s name?”

“She thought two-factor authentication meant having a backup horoscope.” — Ron White

Let’s dive into the browser history of this satirical scandal.

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“Tulsi2020!” Isn’t Just a Campaign Slogan, It’s Also Her Netflix Password

Gabbard’s Surfboard Contains More Encryption Than Her Laptop

Tulsi Gabbard ran for president in 2020. Apparently, she also ran out of original password ideas in the same year.

According to a cybersecurity leak no one asked for, Gabbard used “Tulsi2020!” across at least seven platforms—including MyFitnessPal, Dropbox, LinkedIn, and a suspicious site called “WarriorMonkDating.com.” What’s worse? She added the exclamation point thinking it was military-grade encryption.

“It’s like putting a sticker over a webcam and calling it cybersecurity,” said retired NSA analyst and part-time laser tag champion Ron Skelton.

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The Yoga of Password Management: Sun Salutations and Synced Devices

Sources close to Gabbard say she once attended a cybersecurity retreat in Maui, where instead of encryption, participants were taught to breathe deeply while entering their debit card numbers into public Wi-Fi.

She later described it as “a transformative experience where I learned to align my chakras and my bank logins.”

One witness described Gabbard’s “password flow” routine:

• First, she logs in with “namaste123”

• Then does downward dog while waiting for two-factor authentication

• And finally logs out by whispering “Aloha” to the server

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The Cybercrime Wave: Russian Hackers, Meet “Password1234”

By 2017, her accounts were part of a larger leak that included over 3 billion records. Her contribution to this vast archive of human carelessness?

• Password: Tulsi123

• Backup Password: Password1234

• Security Question: “What’s your favorite color?” Answer: “YES”

“It’s the cybersecurity equivalent of leaving your keys in your car with a note that says ‘Steal me, but with love,’” explained digital security expert Cliff “BitByte” Hernandez.

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Gmail, Glam, and Glitches: Tulsi’s Digital Footprint is Wearing Flip-Flops

Among the compromised accounts was her Gmail, which—according to leaked metadata—was 70% promotional emails, 20% requests to appear on obscure podcasts, and 10% fan mail written entirely in binary.

One intern who sorted through the compromised messages said:
“There were multiple drafts of her resignation letter, all saved as ‘resignation_final_FINAL_FOR_REAL.docx’”

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Exclusive: Her Two-Factor Authentication Was a Friendship Bracelet

Tech insiders were horrified to discover Tulsi’s idea of 2FA wasn’t a confirmation code—it was “texting her cousin Jaya to see if it was really her logging in.”

On multiple occasions, hackers were stopped not by firewalls but by confusion when Jaya replied, “Is this for the yoga class or the kombucha group chat?”

“Her defense strategy relied heavily on poor communication,” one cybersecurity consultant laughed while installing malware protection for his mom.

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Even Her iCloud Had a Tan

A trove of iCloud data included:

• 400 nearly identical selfies from the Senate gym

• A playlist titled “Legislative Bangers”

• Several videos of her dog doing warrior poses next to a salt lamp

According to unverified rumors, a hacker group named “404Bros” tried to ransom the data, but after seeing the contents, sent a formal apology and a $15 iTunes gift card.

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LinkedIn Recommendations Written by… Herself

One of the strangest discoveries in the leak? Tulsi had endorsed herself on LinkedIn for:

• Strategic Visioning

• Yogic Thought Leadership

• Military Telepathy

• Surf Diplomacy

“That’s not even a real thing,” said career coach Sheila Plonk.
“But I’d still hire her for the vibe.”

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Ancestral Passwords and a Trail of Spiritual Cookies

Insiders say Gabbard once consulted her past-life regression therapist for password inspiration. She emerged from the session convinced her soul password was “CleopatraLives9.”

She later told “Stars & Data Protection Weekly”:
“We must be as secure in our online lives as we are in our truth. Unless Mercury is in retrograde, then all bets are off.”

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“Don’t Blame Me, I’m a Vet” Becomes New Security Phrase

Tulsi’s go-to deflection when asked about her weak passwords?
“I served this country, dammit. Let me have one unencrypted yoga blog.”

Critics note this is the digital equivalent of a politician speeding through a red light and shouting, “I was in ‘The Amazing Race: Congress Edition’—I know what I’m doing.”

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Eye Witness Account: Hacker Testimony from His Mom’s Basement

One teenage hacker who cracked her Dropbox said:
“Honestly, I was trying to hack Roblox. But when I typed ‘Tulsi’ and ‘123,’ I accidentally got her Whole Foods receipts and a bunch of PDFs labeled ‘The Real Truth.’”

He has since retired and now teaches online safety at a community center in Delaware.

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The FBI’s Official Response: “We’re Too Tired for This”

An internal memo from the Bureau reportedly read:

“We spent three weeks untangling this woman’s security habits. At one point, she used a Haiku as her encryption key.”

Her defense?
“Syllables are the safest language.”

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Political Repercussions: Senators Now Forced to Change “Obama2024” to “Obama2025?”

Following the leak, Congress issued new password requirements:

• No campaign slogans

• No personal affirmations

• No references to enlightenment

As one Republican aide lamented:
“Guess I’ll have to change ‘ReaganLives’ to ‘TaxCutz4Life!’”

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“Tulsi’s passwords were so bad, even her spirit animal logged out.”
— Sarah Silverman

“Hackers were like, ‘We don’t want her emails. We just want her to stop using ‘Namaste69.’”
— Dave Chappelle

“Her Dropbox was 90% surfboard selfies and 10% blurry screenshots of UFOs.”
— Trevor Noah

“I haven’t seen this many security holes since my grandma’s knitting project.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“At this point, she’s just daring China to log in.”
— Chris Rock

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Her Yoga App is Still Logged In on Eight Public Devices

Eyewitnesses at a Honolulu smoothie bar confirmed they could still access Tulsi’s meditation schedule, her list of mantras, and a half-written memoir titled “Shiva, Surfing & Senate Committees.”

“She’s logged in on the juicer,” one barista sighed.
“We know when she’s late to Pilates. The blender just starts chanting.”

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Final Thoughts: It’s Not Just About Tulsi—It’s About Us

Let’s not throw our encryption stones from glass iPhones. Who among us hasn’t:

• Reused a password from 8th grade?

• Used their dog’s name and added “123”?

• Logged into Wi-Fi named “FBI Surveillance Van”?

Tulsi’s mistakes are a national metaphor: We all want to be free spirits until someone hacks our Hulu queue.

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Public Opinion Poll: What Do Voters Think?

Conducted by Spintaxi Institute for Hilarious Policy Studies
“Which of the following would make a stronger password than Tulsi’s current one?”

• “MyExSucks42” – 37%

• “!@$%&” – 22%

• “IamTheRealPOTUS” – 18%

• “Password1234ButWithVibes” – 13%

• “HunterBidenLaptop2025” – 10%

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Actionable Advice: From SpinTaxi’s Chief Tech Guru, Bleepy VonFirewall

1. Never reuse passwords. Even if they contain the word “chakra.”
2. Don’t rely on your cousin for 2FA unless she’s a Navy SEAL or works at Apple.
3. Your ex’s nickname is not secure just because you added a symbol.
4. Enlightenment is not a firewall.
5. If your password is a pun, you’ve already been hacked.

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Conclusion: What Have We Learned?

We’ve learned that no matter how confident, intelligent, or mystically inclined you are, the moment you type “Tulsi2020!” into seven websites, you are officially the cybersecurity version of wearing socks with sandals.

But in a world where digital threats grow daily, Tulsi’s spiritual approach to password management is a gentle reminder:
The only thing worse than hackers… is hubris.

And now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to go change our Netflix login from “SpinTaxiRocks69.”

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Satirical Sources:

Senator Accidentally Uses Dog’s Name as Nuclear Code
Congressional Cybersecurity Training Now Includes Deep Breathing and Essential Oils
Hackers Demand Tulsi Return Their Time After Reading Her Emails
National Security Council Adds “Vibes Check” to Daily Threat Reports
Tulsi Gabbard Named Honorary IT Disaster of the Month by the Geek Squad

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Auf Wiedersehen! Want the VPN password? Ask Tulsi—it’s probably still “Mahalo123.”

Woman’s MRI Scan: The Butt Plug That Tried to Escape During an MRI Scan

FDA Demands ‘Truth in Toys’ After Metal Detected Where Sun Don’t Shine

By Velvet C. Tesla, SpinTaxi’s Senior Medical Magnetism Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what experts are calling “the most erotically charged emergency since the invention of the vibrating toothbrush,” an unnamed woman’s MRI scan at a local clinic turned into a magnetic nightmare after her unassuming companion — a supposedly “100% silicone” butt plug — revealed its metallic soul at exactly the wrong time.

Eyewitnesses describe the event as part Grey’s Anatomy, part Looney Tunes, and entirely unforgettable.

“It was like the MRI tried to repossess her sins,” said radiology intern Mitch Flanders, still nursing psychological trauma. “We’ve seen people forget piercings, but this… this was tactical rear warfare.”

Welcome to America, where medical imaging is just foreplay to federal investigation, and where nobody can hear your butt plug scream.

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What Exactly Happened?

MRI Tech Suffers PTSD After Rectal Launch Event

According to medical reports leaked by a janitor who moonlights as a TikTok astrologer, the woman entered the MRI suite for a routine abdominal scan. She signed the “no metal on or in your person” form with the confidence of a seasoned TSA dodger.

But as the magnets spun and the humming began, the woman’s butt plug — alleged to be a sleek silicone model named “The Ambassador” — performed a maneuver not seen since Elon Musk’s last rocket test.

“It shot north,” said a nurse who requested anonymity. “Magnetically north. That’s not even a direction in anatomy.”

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Forensic Physiology: A Field Day

An investigative team of physicists, gastroenterologists, and two confused poets from a nearby open mic night gathered to analyze what went wrong. Preliminary findings suggest the plug contained a neodymium core — the kind of magnetic metal you’d usually find in hard drives, headphone speakers, and regrettable DIY hoverboard projects.

Dr. Angela Torquefield, chief of Magnetic Mishap Review at Johns Hopkins, explained:

“MRI machines create a magnetic field strong enough to realign hydrogen atoms. When you introduce a rogue object forged in the fires of Mordor — or China’s novelty factories — chaos ensues.”

Indeed, MRI suites are designed to scan human anatomy, not detect tiny insurgent satellites in your rectum.

---

The Marketing Problem: “100% Silicone” My Asterisk

The object in question, sold on Amazon by a seller named “YeehawPlezurez99,” was labeled as “100% silicone, hypoallergenic, dishwasher safe, and perfect for beginners or advanced users of rear-based enlightenment.”

But further inspection of the item’s fine print (accessible only by microscope and legal subpoena) revealed the clause:

“May contain trace elements of metal, destiny, and moral ambiguity.”

This caveat, tucked between decorative emoji and discount codes for nipple clamps, didn’t reach the FDA’s required transparency standard, nor humanity’s basic decency threshold.

---

The Patient Speaks (Sort Of)

TikTok Challenge: Can Your Plug Survive an MRI?

In a statement released through her attorney — an Ivy League-educated man named Dante Lovewell, Esq. who also represents three TikTok witches and a haunted blender — the woman stated:

“I had no idea there was metal inside me. I trusted the label. And frankly, if you can’t trust YeehawPlezurez99, who can you trust in America?”

The woman is currently considering a lawsuit against Amazon, the butt plug manufacturer, the hospital, the laws of electromagnetism, and possibly Nikola Tesla posthumously.

---

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I didn’t know my ex-wife was working at Amazon’s fulfillment center. That kind of deception takes practice.”
— Ron White

“She went in for a scan and came out with a new zodiac sign: Metallic Rising.”
— Ali Wong

“The plug wanted freedom. And like most of us, it tried to go through the colon first.”
— Ricky Gervais

“This is what happens when you mix medical imaging with BDSM: Butts Doing Spontaneous Migration.”
— Trevor Noah

“The next time I hear someone say, ‘Stick it where the sun don’t shine,’ I’m asking about the metallic content first.”
— Bill Burr

---

The MRI Tech’s Side of the Story

We caught up with the MRI technician, 26-year-old Vanessa Mirth, currently on leave and seeking therapy involving anti-magnetism affirmations.

“I asked if she had metal in or on her body. She said, ‘Nope, just vibes.’ Then twenty seconds later, the machine sounded like it was giving birth to a xylophone. That thing rattled through her like it was racing to an Apple Genius Bar.”

Vanessa’s trauma is so deep that she now flinches when someone opens a fridge magnet pack.

---

History of Magnetic Injustice

This isn’t the first time sex toys and MRIs have collided.

• In 2017, a man in Toronto entered an MRI with what he called “a prostate mood ring,” which triggered a fire alarm and accidentally called his ex-wife.

• In 2021, a couple in Tokyo forgot to remove their mutual chastity belt before a scan, resulting in an accidental engagement ceremony at 6 Tesla.

Clearly, we live in a world where personal pleasure devices have become ticking time bombs when exposed to magnets, microwaves, or Catholicism.

---

The Lawsuit: United States v. Magneto’s Mistress

The legal implications are enormous. Several lawmakers have expressed interest in regulating “butt-based ferromagnetic devices,” with Senator Lindsey Graham warning:

“We can’t have rogue plugs sabotaging our healthcare system. That’s what China wants.”

Meanwhile, a class-action suit is forming against novelty item manufacturers who use the phrase “100% silicone” like it’s a birthright, rather than a scientific standard.

---

Cultural Fallout: Twitter Reacts

@ButtPhysicsDaily: “We warned y’all about magnetic colon drift in 2018. Stay safe. #PluggedAndPerilous”

@NPRButFunny: “A woman walked into an MRI with a mystery. She left with a missile. Full story at 9.”

@FlatEarthButMakeItSpicy: “Proof that the Earth is round: that plug curved.”

---

Scientific Analysis (From Dr. Kevin Blurt, Buttstuff Physicist)

“People forget that ferromagnetic materials want to move in magnetic fields. They are eager. Passionate, even. The moment that machine started humming, that butt plug made a decision: I must ascend.”

According to Dr. Blurt, the G-force exerted on the plug likely rivaled the velocity of an NFL football during a field goal. The problem is, the human colon is not a football field. It is a cul-de-sac, and things are not meant to rocket through it uninvited.

---

Polls Show Americans Divided

A SpinTaxi.com poll of 5,000 Americans (conducted in front of a Spencer’s Gifts and two Arby’s) revealed the following:

• 62% believe MRI warnings should now include “Are you currently storing a science experiment in your butt?”

• 18% blamed the woman for “not reading the vibe chart”

• 12% said, “I’m just here for the comments”

• 8% submitted their own plug brand for medical testing

Meanwhile, German citizens unanimously replied, “Ja, but why not just use wood like we do?”

---

International Reactions

France: “This is why we do not mix medicine with pleasure — unless it involves wine.”

Japan: “An anime adaptation is already in production. Title: Rear Magnetron: Escape from Within.”

Russia: “Our MRI machines remove entire sins. America is weak.”

---

Hospital’s New Policies

In response to the incident, the hospital has introduced a new intake form with the following added questions:

• “Are you currently harboring novelty items in your body?”

• “Do any of your organs double as wireless charging docks?”

• “Are you wearing a fitness tracker internally?”

They’ve also posted large signs reading: “IF YOU BOUGHT IT FROM ETSY, TELL US NOW.”

---

The New Age Wellness Community Reacts

Several “buttfluenceurs” — social media personalities dedicated to holistic booty health — took to Instagram to express concern and capitalize on the virality.

@HealingHolez posted a sponsored reel titled “Detox Your Chakras with Non-Magnetic Probes (FDA-ish Approved).”

Meanwhile, Goop issued a clarification that none of its rear insertables are MRI-compatible and recommended “auric shielding” before scans.

---

Final Thoughts from SpinTaxi Magazine (Since 1947)

The MRI scandal has ignited debates around product labeling, medical transparency, and the deep mysteries of pleasure-meets-science. More importantly, it’s taught us one crucial thing: Silicone lies.

At SpinTaxi, where satire meets skepticism, we stand firm in our belief that if your sex toy has any chance of navigating toward your pancreas during a magnetic field, it does not belong in the “Beginner” category.

Until then, we encourage consumers to:

• Read labels thoroughly.

• Disclose everything to medical professionals, even if it involves hand puppets.

• Never assume your body is a Swiss Army knife that can withstand tungsten-level experimentation.

Auf Wiedersehen, and may your rear adventures remain magnet-free.

---

Sources:

• Woman’s Butt Plug Declares Asylum During MRI, Flies Northbound

• MRI Tech Suffers PTSD After Rectal Launch Event

• FDA Demands ‘Truth in Toys’ After Metal Detected Where Sun Don’t Shine

• New Public Service Campaign: “Know Your Plug’s Core”

• Amazon Sued by Rear-End Victim, Trial Held in a Giant Magnet

• TikTok Challenge: Can Your Plug Survive an MRI?

• China Accused of Infiltrating America’s Anuses with Magnetic Spy Probes

Hollywood’s Trump Turn: The Sequel No One Greenlit, But Everyone’s Watching

LOS ANGELES — The biggest plot twist in American cinematic history didn’t come from a Marvel multiverse, a Tarantino finale, or even a Christopher Nolan mindbender. It came, instead, from something even more implausible: Hollywood’s sudden, glitzy, Botox-tight embrace of Donald J. Trump.

That’s right—after decades of self-righteous monologues, tearful late-night virtue signaling, and fundraisers held by actors who once couldn’t define “economics” without a dialect coach, Tinseltown has done a political 180 that would make even Fast & Furious stunt coordinators blush.

From Chrissy Teigen lighting candles for impeachment to her lighting cigars in Trump Tower’s VIP suite—America asks, “What the hell happened?”

A Red Carpet Dipped in Red States

At this year’s Golden Globes, the gift bags included MyPillow vouchers, Truth Social premium accounts, and coupons for Chick-fil-A’s spicy deluxe meal (no pickles, for liberty). Attendees were greeted not by E! News hosts, but Steve Bannon and Kid Rock tag-teaming interviews in front of a 40-foot American flag and a modest 12-foot statue of Trump shirtless on a tank.

The shift was so sudden, Vanity Fair declared it “a reverse cultural pandemic.” The infection vector? A mysterious TikTok trend titled #HotDictatorEnergy where Gen Z influencers rated authoritarians like they were Bachelor contestants. Trump won by a landslide, thanks in part to one post comparing him to “if Elvis had a Twitter addiction and never learned humility.”

Jon Voight Ascends to Supreme Chancellor of SAG-AFTRA

Leading the celebrity MAGAfication effort is Jon Voight, Hollywood’s appointed Minister of Right-Wing Culture. In his most recent speech (delivered from the back of a golden Rolls Royce in a Chick-fil-A drive-thru), Voight called Trump “a divine fusion of George Washington, Rambo, and a Vegas card counter.”

“I was there when Brando refused the Oscar,” Voight declared to a mostly disinterested group of Tesla-charging tourists. “But now, I’d give Trump every Oscar. Best Picture, Best Actor, even Best Animated Short for that time he called Rosie O’Donnell a pig. Poetic cinema.”

Voight has been joined by once-unwilling conservatives like Matthew McConaughey, who recently said, “Alright, alright, alright… I’ve seen the tax breaks. I’m in.” He is rumored to be playing Steve Bannon in an upcoming Hulu biopic titled The Bannon of Venice Beach.

“Woke” Is Broke, Baby

Studio heads have started cutting ties with wokeness the way Disney cut ties with originality. “Listen,” said one Paramount exec under anonymity, “I greenlit five ‘female pirate CEO’ movies and a ‘non-binary talking toaster’ sitcom. No one watched. Now we just show Trump rallies with dramatic lighting and call it ‘cinema vérité.’”

Focus Features is already in post-production on Barron: First Son of Steel, a dystopian action thriller starring Barron Trump as a genetically modified half-human who saves America from vegan communism.

Producers say it’s “like The Hunger Games, but with more testosterone and less crying.”

Actors Flipping Faster Than IHOP Pancakes

A-listers are flipping their political alignments with such velocity, physicists at Caltech believe this may be the first time Hollywood has bent the space-time continuum outside a Marvel movie.

Jennifer Lawrence, once a darling of progressive causes, now calls Trump “a misunderstood daddy bear with trade policy swagger.” She’s joined a new improv troupe called “Alt-Right Angle,” which will debut a musical at the Kennedy Center titled Grab ‘Em by the Patriarchy.

Meanwhile, Leonardo DiCaprio, when asked how he reconciles his previous environmental activism with Trump’s love of coal, shrugged and said, “I still fly private jets, bro. I’m consistent.”

The Oscars Just Rebranded as the ‘Trumpys’

Next year’s Academy Awards have officially been renamed “The Trumpys,” and the statue is being replaced with a tiny figurine of Trump pointing at a CNN reporter. Categories now include:

• Best Use of an Executive Order in a Supporting Role

• Most Patriotic Monologue in a Musical or News Conference

• Outstanding Performance in Denying Climate Change While Owning a Beach House

Sources close to the Academy say the In Memoriam segment will now feature jobs lost to socialism.

Tarantino’s Final Film: “Inglourious MAGA”

Quentin Tarantino, never one to miss a trend, announced that his tenth and final film will be a revenge fantasy set in an alternate 2028 where Trump personally leads a squad of ex-actors to liberate California from progressive technocrats. Working title: Inglourious MAGA.

“I’ve always loved violence and irony,” Tarantino told Variety. “This movie lets me combine both with executive orders, cameo appearances from Elon Musk, and at least one scene where Greta Thunberg gets tackled into a pile of coal.”

The Scientology Wing Endorses Trump

In the most confusing twist since Tenet, the Church of Scientology held a rally on Sunset Boulevard, declaring Trump the “Supreme Galactic Thetan” and inviting him to audit Tom Cruise. A spokesperson for Cruise stated, “He’s always wanted to work with Trump. They both do their own stunts and believe in alternate realities.”

Even John Travolta is on board. “Trump reminds me of my role in Battlefield Earth,” Travolta said while ordering a well-done steak. “A misunderstood alien in a hostile world.”

The Emmys Now Feature a Fox News Category

The Television Academy recently added new categories, including “Best Performance in a Tucker Carlson Monologue” and “Outstanding Editing of a Deep State Conspiracy.”

Rachel Maddow was seen sobbing in the lobby as Tucker accepted his lifetime achievement award by simply saying, “You’re welcome, libtards.”

Netflix Signs Trump for a Three-Series Deal

Netflix, which previously declined to work with Trump citing “values,” has signed him to a $100 million deal. Series titles include:

• The Apprentice: Deep State Edition

• MAGA: Love Is Real (a dating show set at CPAC)

• Woke Island, a reality show where progressive influencers are marooned on an island with only Dr. Ben Carson and a copy of The Art of the Deal

Netflix stock jumped 6%, and critics are calling it “the best political sci-fi comedy since House of Cards, but with fewer murders and more tax cuts.”

Even Marvel Caved

Kevin Feige confirmed that the next phase of the MCU will introduce “Patriot Prime,” a Trump-inspired superhero who shoots tariffs from his hands and speaks only in slogans. Scarlett Johansson will return as a reformed liberal spy trying to decode Trump tweets for national security.

The teaser ends with Trump punching climate change in the face and saying, “I make hurricanes great again.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Hollywood loving Trump is like a vegan falling in love with a bacon-wrapped steak.”
— Ron White

“It’s like the entire industry forgot the last six years and decided, ‘You know what? Maybe the Access Hollywood tape was just locker room improv.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“I knew Hollywood was fake, but even I didn’t expect them to CGI their own morals.”
— Sarah Silverman

“We used to cancel people for saying they liked Trump. Now we cancel them for not liking his golf swing.”
— Ricky Gervais

“He’s got more cameos than The Rock now. I think he’s unionized.”
— Bill Burr

“I auditioned for a role where I play Trump’s conscience. It’s just 90 minutes of silence.”
— Trevor Noah

“At this point, I’m waiting for Disney to open a TrumpLand. It’s like Frontierland, but with tariffs and no minorities.”
— Chris Rock

“Forget left and right. Hollywood just wants what sells—and Trump sells like Adderall at finals week.”
— Amy Schumer

Backstage Drama: The Left Strikes Back

Not everyone’s on board. Barbra Streisand is reportedly barricaded in her Malibu compound, blasting “People” while building papier-mâché effigies of Justice Sotomayor.

Mark Ruffalo has vowed to film Hulk vs Trump, a seven-hour experimental film shot entirely on a hand-cranked camera in Portland. Reviews are already calling it “unwatchable in a deeply virtuous way.”

And Meryl Streep? She’s gone full method, living in a yurt in Vermont while portraying “The Last Democrat,” a woman slowly losing her voice in a town that only speaks Fox News.

A Popcorn-Worthy Hypocrisy

Critics have pointed out that Hollywood’s moral about-face appears to coincide with soaring Trump voter demos in key streaming markets and massive ad revenue from conservative sponsors.

When asked about this, one Warner Bros. executive whispered, “Look, principles don’t pay dividends. But Trump merch? That stuff sells faster than CGI dragons on HBO.”

Indeed, T-shirts bearing Trump’s face in Andy Warhol style are now outselling Barbie merch in Beverly Hills.

Coming Soon: The Trump Cinematic Universe

Insiders say Trump plans to launch his own film studio: “Covfefe Studios.” Its motto? “Where every story is huge.” Early projects include:

• Nancy & Me, a rom-com starring Trump and a fictionalized Nancy Pelosi in a political enemies-to-lovers plot.

• The Wall: A Musical, with music by Kanye West and choreography by Elon Musk.

• Ivanka 2028, a dystopian tale where Ivanka rules a post-liberal America with a designer iron fist.

The trailers drop next week during Tucker Carlson’s new variety show on HBO Max, which he hosts live from a bunker-themed soundstage formerly used for The Walking Dead.

---

Final Scene

As credits roll on this wild twist in America’s cultural narrative, one thing is clear: the only constant in Hollywood is the hustle. Today it’s Trump. Tomorrow it’s whoever polls well in Ohio.

And while audiences across America remain confused, entertained, or vaguely nauseous, Hollywood marches on—reshooting scenes, rewriting ideologies, and making America binge again.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Here are 10 A-list Hollywood celebrity comments reacting positively to the New York Times story, “Trump Says Non-U.S. Movies to Be Hit With 100% Tariffs.” These quotes reflect the sudden industry flip from Resistance to Renaissance (funded by 100% pure American popcorn profits).

---

1. George Clooney
“At first I thought it was fascism. But now that Italian films cost double and The Tender Bar is trending in Belgium? Genius. Honestly, he’s the Fellini of capitalism.”

---

2. Jennifer Lawrence
“I used to hate him. But thanks to the tariffs, Silver Linings Playbook is now more affordable than Parasite. I love democracy.”

---

3. Quentin Tarantino
“This is like if Nixon had backed indie cinema. Suddenly all my movies are ‘American heritage experiences.’ The guy’s got auteur vision—if the auteur was Andrew Jackson.”

---

4. Steven Spielberg
“Foreign films had a good run. But let’s face it—people miss dinosaurs and John Williams. Trump’s tariff policy? It’s like Jaws, but for Cannes.”

---

5. Reese Witherspoon
“Our rom-coms were losing to French existentialism. Now Legally Blonde 3 is a national security issue. I’m not mad about it.”

---

6. Leonardo DiCaprio
“I oppose climate change. But I do support any trade policy that makes The Revenant outperform Amélie in foreign markets. It’s environmental justice, American style.”

---

7. Tyler Perry
“Finally, someone who understands what Madea has been trying to say for 20 years: buy domestic.”

---

8. Tom Cruise
“It’s the most explosive third-act twist since Mission: Impossible. I’ll do my own stunts. He did his. Now Top Gun is a cultural missile. Salute.”

---

9. Meryl Streep
“When he attacked the arts, I wept. Now he’s defending American arts with economic warfare? I’m intrigued. It’s like a very dark Sorkin script. And I’m always game.”

---

10. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
“Look, if putting 100% tariffs on foreign films means more people watch Black Adam instead of The Hand of God, then yeah—I smell what the POTUS is cooking.”

The Password Apocalypse: How 19 Billion Compromised Logins Proved Humanity Shouldn’t Be Trusted with Secrets

By Anonymous Password Leaker No. 3,211,786
SpinTaxi Cybersecurity Satire Desk

If the Titanic were a digital cruise ship, your password was the iceberg—and there were 19 billion of them. According to the recent Forbes report by Davey Winder, the world now swims in a vast soup of stolen credentials, and no one’s private parts (or Pinterest boards) are safe anymore.

We sat down with cybersecurity experts, hackers, office IT guys named Greg, and a guy named Carl who thinks he’s a hacker because he once guessed his ex’s Netflix password. What emerged was a tragicomedy of digital negligence, pure laziness, and a society too attached to the number 123456.

Welcome to the Great Password Leak of Humanity.

---

When “Password” Is Still Your Password: An Epic of Idiocy

Despite decades of dire warnings, it turns out people are still using “password” as their password. Not ironically. Not cleverly. Just straight-up “password.” Some even capitalized the “P,” like that would fool a Russian botnet.

Dr. Nina Kwon, a behavioral psychologist from Stanford, explained, “The human brain evolved to evade saber-toothed tigers, not remember 16-character alphanumeric strings with mandatory symbols. Our ancestors didn’t need a ‘special character’ unless it was a witch.”

Cybersecurity researcher Marcus “Rootkit” Delgado estimates that 48% of breached accounts used passwords that would make a hamster sigh in disappointment.

“Some guy’s password was literally ‘iHatePasswords123’. I almost gave it back,” said one remorseful hacker on a Telegram thread.

---

The 19-Billion Password Hoarder’s Club

The headline doesn’t lie—over 19 billion passwords are floating around the internet, which makes your dog’s Instagram account more secure than your 401(k). Hackers are now sitting on these databases like Smaug on a pile of compromised credentials.

We spoke with “DarkTuna47”, a mid-level password hoarder from Belarus, who described the situation as “ungovernable.”

“There are too many. It’s like Pokémon, but instead of collecting Charizards, I collect Facebook logins from 2014.”

He says he once found 37 different logins from the same person—one for each subscription service the victim forgot they were paying for.

---

Digital Recycling: Hackers Go Green

Some hackers are now claiming eco-conscious motives behind the constant password leaks.

“We’re not criminals—we’re digital recyclers,” insisted a manifesto posted by the Collective of Ethical Hackers and Keyboard Warriors (CHEKW). “Why create a new password when we can reuse yours?”

They’ve launched a Chrome extension called RePass, which tells users if their password has already been leaked. It does not, however, offer suggestions to fix it—only a shrug emoji.

---

Two-Factor Authentication: The New “Hope and Prayer”

Even those who pride themselves on using two-factor authentication have discovered that 2FA now stands for:

“Two Fools Attempting.”

John Thurston, a tech-savvy millennial, was confident in his password hygiene until he discovered his bank account had been drained using a 2FA code sent to his ex’s phone. Why? Because he never updated the number after their breakup.

“I thought I’d be the mature one and let her keep the Netflix. Now she’s got my savings and a new boyfriend.”

---

Phishing Evolved: “We Already Have Your Password, Just Need Your Soul”

Gone are the days of the humble Nigerian prince. Today’s phishing emails don’t pretend. They know you. They know your password. And they know you clicked that “FREE GYM MEMBERSHIP” ad in 2021.

A sample email from one campaign reads:

“Hi Chad. Your password is still ‘gamer69lol’—cute. Now click here so we can finish the job, or we’ll tell your grandma you subscribed to ‘Feetflix.’”

---

IT Departments Now Offer Therapy

At major corporations, IT departments have evolved into full-blown crisis response units. Deloitte recently hired on-site grief counselors to help employees accept the inevitable.

“We stopped asking people to change passwords,” said IT lead Shondra from Dell. “Now we just sit them down, make them some tea, and walk them through the five stages of Password Breach Grief.”

1. Denial: “But I have Norton!”

2. Anger: “WHO USED MY DOORDASH??”

3. Bargaining: “Okay what if I just delete Instagram?”

4. Depression: [sobs in emojis]

5. Acceptance: “Alright, I’m switching to Morse code.”

---

The Dark Web Has Storage Problems

So many credentials are for sale that black-market data brokers are experiencing bandwidth congestion. A post from r/Cybercrime read:

“Anyone know how to compress 400GB of email:password combos without deleting the ones that say ‘buttstufflover94@gmail.com’?”

One hacker claimed he’s now storing passwords on an old USB drive taped to the back of his cousin’s PS4.

---

Baby’s First Word: “Data Breach”

In tech-forward households, children are now growing up learning about phishing attacks before the alphabet.

“My 4-year-old uses facial recognition to unlock her iPad,” said a parent in Austin. “She asked me if her stuffed bunny needed 2FA.”

Meanwhile, kindergarten teachers report that several students now list “cybersecurity” as their favorite subject—only because “Minecraft Password Cracking” isn’t on the curriculum.

---

Hackers’ Union Forms Over Burnout

Faced with the overwhelming influx of logins, hacker burnout is real. In an unprecedented move, they’ve unionized under the banner #HackTheSystemFairly.

Their demands include:

• Longer lunch breaks

• Better work-life-hack balance

• The right to reject low-quality passwords on aesthetic grounds

“If I see another ‘P@ssword2024!’, I swear I’ll scream,” said a spokesperson named “DoxieTooHot”.

---

New Password Requirements Include a Haiku

To combat the rise in breaches, corporate password requirements have become so absurd, the average user now has to write a full haiku, complete with a metaphor and two special characters.

Example:

Clouds drift in silence
Starlight guards my secret files
#D@wn1ngCyb3rWr4th

Even ChatGPT can’t help you reset that one.

---

Public Wi-Fi Now Just a Game of Russian Roulette

Public Wi-Fi routers in cafés now include a label: “Enter password if you hate your identity.”

One Starbucks manager reported that customers now demand slower coffee in exchange for longer browsing sessions before getting hacked.

---

Hackers Offer Customer Support—Sort Of

A notable dark web user, “Ph1shNChips,” has begun offering stolen-password support services—for a small fee.

“You forgot your login? No worries. I stole it back in 2022. I’ll send it to you. Just leave a 5-star review.”

---

People Forget Passwords Faster Than Birthdays

According to a totally legitimate study by the Institute of Digital Dumbassery, the average person now forgets a password in 19 seconds—shorter than the time it takes to walk to the fridge.

That’s why more people are tattooing their Wi-Fi codes on their forearms—right next to the “Live, Laugh, Love.”

---

What the Funny People Are Saying

“With 19 billion stolen passwords, I finally found my old MySpace login. I can’t wait to unfriend that guy from 8th grade who called me ‘sweaty.’”
—Ron White

“Everyone’s passwords are out there. You know what that means? Somewhere, there’s a hacker reading your diary of Amazon orders.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

“I tried using a really strong password once. It was ‘Fr!dayThe13thIsMyP@ssion2023’. The system locked me out and sent a priest.”
—Ali Wong

“I had to update all my passwords, so I just gave up and moved into the woods. Now I log in with pinecones.”
—Dave Chappelle

“My dad’s password was ‘LetMeIn69.’ My mom divorced him using the same login.”
—Sarah Silverman

“They told me to use a unique password. So I used one from my dreams. Now I can’t remember it or if it involved my third-grade teacher and a burrito.”
—Trevor Noah

“All my passwords are now Taylor Swift lyrics. If she ever gets hacked, so do I.”
—Amy Schumer

---

Satirical Solutions: Because Reality Has Failed

1. National Password Amnesty Day

Let’s admit it—we’ve all been lazy. One day a year, citizens get to reset all passwords with no judgment. All crimes forgiven. No questions asked. Except, maybe, “What the hell is Feetflix?”

2. Password Lottery System

Assign random passwords from a national vault. You get what you get. Don’t complain if it’s “BananaThor7*#.” It’s yours now.

3. Emoji-Based Authentication

We abandon letters altogether. Want to log in? Prove your identity with five emojis that represent your childhood trauma. Example: Clown + Divorce Papers + Broken Nintendo + Sad Face + Ice Cream

4. Brainwave-Based Logins

Users must hum their favorite song while wearing a government-issued neural headband. If you hum it wrong, you’re redirected to Bing.

---

Final Thoughts from the Apocalypse

What have we learned? That trust is a four-letter word. That cybersecurity is an arms race where the arms are floppy noodles. And that, despite every warning, the human brain will always choose “password123” over sanity.

So the next time you set a password, remember: somewhere, in a basement, in a foreign land—or maybe in your own HOA Facebook group—someone already has it.

And they’re probably laughing at your “LOLgobackto1999” login right now.

Auf Wiedersehen.

19 Billion Passwords Later: 15 Signs the Internet Has Given Up

(A Wide-Aspect Infographic)

Left to Right, Spread Across in Comic Panels or Sections:

1. Password Recycling Program
   Hackers: Saving the planet, one reused password at a time.
2. ‘123456’ Still Reigning Supreme
   The immortal password. It’s not good, just persistent.
3. Hackers’ New Problem: Decision Fatigue
   “So many logins… which bank to rob first?”
4. Dark Web Storage Issues
   “We need more space… ironically, let’s hack Google Drive.”
5. Password Managers’ Existential Crisis
   “You want us to remember how many passwords?”
6. Two-Factor, Same Password
   Second factor? Same as the first. Double the fail.
7. Hacker Helpdesk Now Live
   “Hi, yes, we did steal your Netflix password. Need help logging in?”
8. Honest Phishing Emails
   *“We already have it. Just confirm your favorite pizza topping.
9. Cybersecurity Conferences = Group Therapy
   “Hi, my name is Dave, and it’s been 2 days since my last breach…”
10. Hackers Unionizing
    “We demand health insurance, ergonomic chairs, and 5-minute phishing breaks.”
11. Password Complexity Rules Gone Wild
    “New requirements: 12 characters, 1 emoji, a hieroglyph, a haiku, and unicorn blood.”
12. AI-Powered Hacking Gets Philosophical
    “I hack… therefore I am? But should I?”
13. Public Wi-Fi Warnings Now Honest
    “Use freely. We already have your credit card anyway.”
14. Children’s First Words: ‘Password Breach’
    “Mama, Dada, data leak!”
15. Digital Amnesia: The Rise of Passwordnesia
    “I remember my first pet’s name, but not my Netflix login.”