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Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley: A Love Story America Didn’t Ask For But Absolutely Needed

How a Country Icon and a British Goddess Accidentally Invented “Yeehaw Royalty”

It all started on the glamorous set of Christmas in Paradise-a movie so minor it didn’t even get pirated properly. Billy Ray Cyrus was supposed to just swing by, mumble some lines about palm trees and redemption, and leave. Elizabeth Hurley, on the other hand, was supposed to class up the production by breathing near it.

According to insiders (by which we mean a guy who once delivered catering to the set), there was a moment when their eyes met across a fake snowbank, and the temperature rose eight degrees-despite the air conditioning being set to “Polar Bear Enclosure.”

Billy Ray later said, “We did maybe three scenes together, but that’s all it took. I knew she wasn’t just another lady who accidentally stumbled onto my property looking for a gas station.”

Elizabeth Hurley, when asked, said only, “I found his mullet oddly compelling. Like a very tired lion.”

Thus began a connection so improbable, country radio immediately wrote a song about it called “Achy Breaky Hurley.”

When Text Messages Became the New Horse and Carriage

Early 2025 found Billy Ray in a bad place: mid-divorce, slightly feral, and arguing with Alexa about whose fault it was that the TV kept playing Friends reruns. In swooped Elizabeth Hurley, with a text message so pure it could only have been written while sipping imported elderflower tea.

“Hey there, cowboy. Heard life’s kicking your ass. I have a spare bottle of gin and no particular sense of judgment. Call me?”

Billy Ray initially thought it was a phishing scam. He famously told a Nashville radio station, “I figured either it was Elizabeth Hurley, or some bot from Kazakhstan who wanted me to wire $5,000.” He almost blocked her before his dog, Old Whiskey, barked twice-interpreted as “You moron, text her back.”

Country stars rely heavily on canine intuition. It’s science.

Their First Date: Denim, Whiskey, and Confused Llamas

The first date, according to anonymous witnesses (read: nosy neighbors), involved Billy Ray driving Elizabeth to his Tennessee ranch in a Ford F-150 so lifted it required a Sherpa to climb into.

Sources say she arrived dressed for a Southern adventure: leather jacket, jeans, and a slight, confused squint. Billy Ray, naturally, wore head-to-toe denim, sunglasses so big they had their own gravity, and a belt buckle visible from space.

Activities included:

• Introducing her to his prized rooster, Colonel Sanders Jr.
• Attempting to teach her line dancing (she British-curtsied instead).
• Drinking homemade whiskey labeled only with a skull and crossbones.
• Laughing for four straight hours when Elizabeth called a squirrel “a charming woodland sprite.”

Their romantic dinner was at a Cracker Barrel, where Billy Ray ordered chicken-fried steak and Elizabeth attempted to understand what “grits” were by sniffing them suspiciously.

First Intimate Encounter: Nature Was Watching

It wasn’t the candlelight. It wasn’t the crickets. It wasn’t even the smooth jazz playlist titled “Country Lovin’ Vibes 4 U.”

It was the squirrel. The same squirrel Elizabeth had called “charming” earlier in the evening, now perched outside the bedroom window, chewing a nut while maintaining aggressive eye contact.

Witnesses reported that Billy Ray heroically shooed it away with a broom, proving once and for all that even the fiercest country boys still lose bedroom battles to wildlife.

Despite the interruption, the two reportedly sealed the deal. Elizabeth later told friends, “There’s something uniquely thrilling about hearing a banjo solo mid-coitus.”

Billy Ray told a buddy at a bar, “Brother, if lovin’ a woman while the soundtrack is raccoons fighting under the porch ain’t country, I don’t know what is.”

Public Confirmation: Easter Was Never the Same

The world found out about this unlikely romance on Easter Sunday 2025, when Billy Ray posted a photo kissing Elizabeth on the cheek, captioned: “He is Risen. And so am I.”

The nation, confused but supportive, immediately responded with a trending hashtag: #HolyYeehaw.

Religious scholars debated if this was the greatest Easter miracle since the original Easter. Pastor Jerry McPherson of the First Baptist Church of Murfreesboro said, “Jesus rolled back the stone. Billy Ray rolled back his loneliness. Both are pretty inspiring.”

The Vatican declined to comment.

The Love Story the Experts Didn’t Predict (But Should Have)

Sociologists at the University of North Dakota quickly studied the phenomenon. Dr. Tammy Lardner concluded, “Statistically, a British goddess dating a country music icon was less likely than being struck by a meteor filled with Skittles.”

Meanwhile, a CNN poll found that 61% of Americans were “cautiously supportive” of the relationship, while 23% thought it was “an elaborate April Fool’s joke gone too far,” and 16% asked, “Wait, who are these people?”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“This romance feels like someone dared AI to write a fanfiction after taking too much NyQuil.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Billy Ray finally found someone who loves him for who he is… and not just for his collection of snakeskin boots.” – Ron White

“If this ends with a duet called ‘Achy Breaky Brexit,’ I’m personally funding the Grammy campaign.” – Amy Schumer

“It’s beautiful. It’s inspiring. It’s proof that no matter how weird your hair gets, love is still possible.” – Larry David

Hurley Embracing the Southern Lifestyle (Or Trying To)

Since coupling up, Elizabeth Hurley has reportedly:

• Tried boiled peanuts. Cried a little.
• Bought a rhinestone-studded cowboy hat and immediately regretted it.
• Learned to drive a tractor. Crashed it into Billy Ray’s gazebo.
• Watched Smokey and the Bandit five times and still thought Burt Reynolds was “the sheriff.”
• Referred to possums as “darling dragon rats.”

Billy Ray, for his part, attempted to return the favor by trying Earl Grey tea and immediately spit it out, shouting, “Tastes like sadness!”

The Hurley-Cyrus Power Couple Future

Friends of the couple are reportedly worried about their influence spreading. One Nashville insider joked, “At this rate, we’ll have Shakespeare in overalls by Labor Day.”

Already, rumors swirl of a collaborative project: Country Gentlewoman, a half-country, half-Victorian-themed album featuring banjo solos and monologues about manners.

The lead single? “Bless Your Heart, Lady Hastings.”

Relationship Experts Weigh In (Poorly)

Self-proclaimed relationship guru Dr. Rick “Love Cowboy” Dennison, who operates a therapy booth out of a Bass Pro Shop, commented: “Billy Ray and Liz are the dream team. She brings refinement. He brings roadkill recipes. Together, they’re unstoppable.”

A psychologist from Oxford countered, “It’s less a relationship and more a sociological experiment conducted without adult supervision.”

The Inevitable Reality TV Deal

Sources close to Bravo confirm negotiations are underway for a reality series tentatively titled:

Hurley Burley: Love, Denim, and Slight Cultural Misunderstandings

Episode titles include:

• “Tea Time and Tractor Pulls”
• “Grits and Glamour”
• “Achy Breaky Etiquette Class”

One leaked script involves Elizabeth teaching Billy Ray how to use the word “fortnight” correctly, while Billy Ray tries to teach her to “yee” before she “haw”s.

What the Eye-Witnesses Say

Cracker Barrel waitress Jolene Whitmore said, “They were adorable. She ordered a salad. He ordered the meatloaf. They ended up sharing the biscuit basket like it was the last supper.”

A ranch hand at Billy Ray’s estate claimed, “They went horseback riding. She screamed ‘pip pip!’ and he screamed ‘Yeehaw!’ The horses are still confused.”

The squirrel declined to comment but looked traumatized.

The Social Media Reaction

TikTok exploded with parodies:

• A viral video of a guy in a mullet and tiara re-enacting their courtship, titled “Achy Breaky Lizzie.”
• A British influencer earnestly trying to eat grits without crying, captioned “What Hurley Endures for Love.”
• A southern mom teaching her daughter how to “curtsy and holler at the same time.”

Twitter, of course, was less kind. One viral post read: “If Billy Ray Cyrus can bag Elizabeth Hurley, there’s hope for all of us. Even you, Kyle who smells like vape pens and regret.”

How This Changes Everything (And Nothing)

Experts agree: this romance marks a new age of cross-cultural love stories.

“America has imported many fine things from Britain-The Beatles, tea, self-loathing humor,” said Professor Minnie Jacks of Vanderbilt. “Now we’ve imported Elizabeth Hurley to elevate our mullets. God save the denim.”

Yet, some warn this could spark unintended consequences, such as:

• British actors thinking they should star in country music videos.
• Southern truck commercials narrated in posh British accents.
• NASCAR races featuring tea breaks.

The Coming Backlash

Not everyone’s thrilled.

One Facebook group called “REAL AMERICANS FOR REAL COUNTRY” (membership: 37) has pledged to boycott Billy Ray’s music unless he promises “not to turn into a tea-sipping fancy boy.”

Meanwhile, in Britain, tabloids fret that Hurley might “become alarmingly fond of biscuits and gravy, threatening the integrity of afternoon tea for generations to come.”

In Conclusion: Love Conquers All (Including Good Judgment)

Sure, on paper, a mulleted country crooner and a British supermodel shouldn’t work. But love isn’t logical. Love is messy, weird, poorly dressed, and usually involves at least one incident with a goat.

And honestly, in a world this crazy, if Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley can find happiness together-while raccoons wrestle under the porch and squirrels peep through the window-maybe there’s hope for the rest of us.

Maybe love doesn’t care if you prefer whiskey to wine. Maybe love doesn’t care if you think “football” means touchdowns or goalposts.

Maybe-just maybe-love just wants you to say “yee-haw” with a British accent.

Auf Wiedersehen, y’all.

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16 Observations on the Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth Hurley Love Story

The Set of Christmas in Paradise Was Apparently a Dating App

Who knew Christmas in Paradise was less about Christmas and more about finding someone to jingle your bells? Billy Ray Cyrus thought he was filming a scene-turns out, he was filming his eHarmony commercial.

The Chemistry Was So Good, Scientists Are Still Studying It

According to Billy Ray, they only had “a couple scenes together,” but somehow that was enough. Meanwhile, actual couples who live together for 30 years are still debating about where to put the TV remote.

Elizabeth Hurley Slid Into Billy Ray’s Texts Like a Smooth Criminal

Imagine getting a random “I’m in your corner” text…from Elizabeth Hurley. Most guys get spam texts from “Linda, your Amazon package is delayed.” Billy Ray got an actual British bombshell.

Billy Ray Thought It Was a Spam Text…for a Second

Reportedly, Billy Ray stared at the message for an hour thinking, “This has got to be a phishing scam. Ain’t no way Elizabeth Hurley needs me.” Then he realized: nah, he’s just that lucky.

Easter Sunday Is the New Valentine’s Day

They confirmed the relationship on Easter. Nothing says resurrection like Billy Ray’s love life rising from the ashes of a country song.

Elizabeth Hurley Saw “Achy Breaky Heart” and Thought: “Challenge Accepted.”

Women love a fixer-upper. Elizabeth Hurley looked at Billy Ray like a half-broken rocking chair at a vintage market and said, “I can work with this.”

Billy Ray Took Her to Tennessee to “Experience Nature,” aka “Show Her His Tractor”

City girls dream of Paris. Elizabeth Hurley got a tour of Billy Ray’s ranch, complete with a ride on a four-wheeler and a suspiciously aggressive llama.

Their First Date Had 98% More Denim Than Is Scientifically Recommended

You know the first date involved at least one double-denim outfit. Billy Ray probably showed up in a Canadian tuxedo, and Elizabeth politely pretended it was very avant-garde.

Elizabeth Hurley Went Full Method Acting

Hurley didn’t just date Billy Ray. She became country. Reports say she’s now legally obligated to say “y’all” before any major verb.

Billy Ray Showed Her His Favorite Love Songs…and 12 Were Just “Achy Breaky Heart” Again

Billy Ray made her a playlist. It’s just Achy Breaky Heart on repeat, but he promised, “Each listen, you’ll hear new emotions.”

The First Kiss Was Sponsored by Cracker Barrel

Somewhere between the fried catfish platter and the rocking chairs out front, it happened: the first kiss. Witnesses say it tasted like cornbread and regret.

A British Accent Makes Even a Tractor Sound Sexy

Elizabeth reportedly said, “Oh darling, what marvelous machinery” while sitting on a rusty John Deere. Billy Ray immediately bought her a pink cowboy hat.

Their First Intimate Moment Involved a Squirrel Watching

Nature isn’t always discreet. Their first romantic night was apparently interrupted by a family of squirrels-who now refuse to leave Billy Ray’s porch because they’ve “seen some things.”

Billy Ray’s Dog Was the Ultimate Third Wheel

Nothing kills the mood faster than a hound dog sitting three feet away, judging you with those “y’all better not” eyes.

Elizabeth Brought British Sophistication…Billy Ray Brought a Banjo

It’s like Downton Abbey meets Duck Dynasty. Every time she pours tea, he strikes a G-chord. Romance!

Somewhere, Miley Is Just Trying Not to Gag

You just know Miley Cyrus read the Instagram post, sighed heavily, and muttered, “Good for them, I guess,” while Googling “British intervention services.”

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GrifterCon 2025: Las Vegas Hosts the Greatest Collection of Liars Ever Assembled

By Bohiney.com Staff (Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion)

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Welcome to GrifterCon 2025: Where Lies Meet Luxury

In a world where truth is negotiable and reality is just a poorly moderated group chat, it was only a matter of time before humanity’s most underappreciated industry-grifting-got its own flagship event.

Enter GrifterCon 2025, held at the prestigious Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas, because no city better understands the spiritual connection between slot machines and snake oil.

Three days.Seventy-seven panels.Over 8,000 grifters, hucksters, fraudsters, scammers, influencers, crypto bros, MLM queens, self-help gurus, fake doctors, ghostwriters of fake memoirs, professional dating app catfishers, spiritual scammers, and at least four guys who think they invented the word “synergy.”

It was a stunning success.Mainly because no one asked for refunds…because no one could find the refund booth…because it didn’t exist.

What Happens at GrifterCon…Usually Winds Up on TikTok

Before you could even get into the event, you had to pay a $249 “mandatory authenticity fee” – cash only, no receipt.

Inside, the GrifterCon Expo Center featured booths like:

• CryptoKidz: teaching toddlers how to launch Ponzi schemes before they learn subtraction.
• Theranos Tribute Lounge: free wine samples served in Elizabeth Holmes-themed shot glasses.
• Fake Degree University: hand-signed PhDs from imaginary colleges for $50 (or $75 if you want a frame that smells like Ivy League).

Keynote speaker Billy McFarland kicked off the opening ceremony, stepping onto the stage wearing a “Fyre 2.0″ hoodie and announcing,”This time, I swear there will be sandwiches.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“GrifterCon is basically Coachella, but for people who think ethics are for beta males.” – Ron White

“I wanted to buy a T-shirt at GrifterCon, but they only sold invisible NFTs of the T-shirts for $500.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“GrifterCon is where your Uber driver tries to sell you an MLM scheme before he even drops you off.” – Sarah Silverman

Meet the Stars of GrifterCon 2025

Anna Delvey hosted a MasterClass titled “Luxury Lies: How to Get a Penthouse You Can’t Afford.” It ended with a ceremonial unpaid bar tab.

Luigi Mangione held a workshop on how to pitch a startup so convincingly that VCs don’t notice it’s literally just a pizza cart with a Bluetooth speaker.

Sam Bankman-Fried’s Cousin (allegedly) gave a surprise session: “Crypto Isn’t Dead-It’s Just Hiding in the Caymans.”

Even a 9-year-old influencer named “Lil’ Hustla” was there, offering courses on “Monetizing Other People’s Trauma” for $799 a seat.

It was a full-service operation.Need a sob story to sell bad t-shirts? There’s a seminar for that.Need fake testimonials for your ‘revolutionary’ sleep app? Covered.Need 5,000 fake followers named “HotGirlNashville93”? No problem-cash preferred.

Public Reaction: Americans Rate GrifterCon Higher Than The Super Bowl

According to a flash survey by Pew Research:

• 73% of attendees said GrifterCon was “the most inspiring event of my life.”
• 81% said they learned at least three new ways to lie without blinking.
• 67% said they had “already sold a course about attending GrifterCon” before even leaving the venue.

One attendee, decked out in Gucci knockoffs and genuine counterfeit Yeezys, gushed:”It’s so refreshing to be among my people. No judgment, just dreams…and fake bank statements.”

How GrifterCon Helped the Las Vegas Economy

City officials declared GrifterCon an economic success, bringing in an estimated $84 million-although $79 million of that came from inflated room service charges like:

• $112 for “artisanal ice cubes”
• $79 for “inspirational air” pumped into the hotel gym
• $400 for a “VIP Non-Existent View” upgrade

Local businesses embraced the spirit. Casinos ran side bets on how many scams could happen per minute. Taxi drivers offered “authentic crypto wallet tours” where you saw nothing but paid $199.

One Uber driver, Tony “T-Bone” Valenzuela, told reporters,”I made more in fake surcharges this weekend than I made driving all of 2024. God bless America.”

Personal Stories: Triumphs of the Unethical Spirit

• Veronica, 26: Sold fake luxury handbags in the lobby using only a smile and a broken iPad.”I cleared $18,000 before noon and only got chased by security twice!”
• Jaxson, 32: Created a fake dating app promising soulmates for $99. His “app” was literally just a chatbot that texted “U up?” every night at 2 AM.”Three lawsuits pending, but also 200 matches!”
• Delilah, 44: Signed up 15 people for a nonexistent meditation retreat.”I feel so spiritually fulfilled now that I have $37,000 in deposits and no overhead.”

Expert Testimony: The Future Belongs to the Fraudulent

Dr. Cassie Winger, Professor of Applied Chicanery at Stanford’s new School of Opportunistic Studies, remarked:”We’re witnessing the professionalization of deception. In 2030, résumés will just be vibe checks. Interviews will be replaced with Instagram Reels.”

She predicted that future GrifterCons will be even bigger, possibly merging with CES to form:GriCES – The Consumer Electronics and Lies Expo.

Trace Evidence: Milestones in American Grifting

• 1800s: Snake oil salesmen sweep the frontier.
• 1920s: Ponzi schemes invent themselves.
• 1970s: Pyramid schemes replace family trees at Thanksgiving.
• 2025: GrifterCon becomes the first event bigger than Coachella and Comic-Con combined.

Dr. Linda Zukowski, returning for commentary, said,”Grifting is no longer subculture. It’s mainstream. It’s the logical conclusion of late-stage capitalism plus bad Wi-Fi.”

Cause and Effect: Why Grifting Became the New American Dream

It’s simple:

• Hard work = exhausting.
• Talent = rare.
• Honesty = boring.

But a well-timed fake motivational quote posted over a sunset background?That = six-figure passive income.

According to a new Gallup poll, 62% of Americans under 35 would “strongly consider” launching a grift “if it came with a decent branding package and pre-written inspirational tweets.”

Analogies That Stab You Right in the Soul

• GrifterCon is to business conferences what Taco Bell is to Michelin dining.
• Billy McFarland is to ethics what Chernobyl is to green energy.
• Buying a GrifterCon VIP pass is like paying extra to lose your wallet faster.

Diversity and Inclusion: Fraud for All!

GrifterCon made sure to showcase an array of fraudsters:

• Women in Wellness Grifting
• BIPOC Crypto Influencer Panels
• LGBTQIA+ Multi-Level Marketing Meetups

Fraud is finally intersectional.

One proud attendee remarked,”No matter your race, gender, or pronouns, anyone can sell imaginary vitamins to desperate moms. Representation matters!”

Validation: The Awards Ceremony

GrifterCon’s closing ceremony included the highly prestigious:

• Golden Ponzi Award (Best Overall Scam)
• Silver Pyramid Award (Best Multilevel Marketing Hustle)
• Bronze Shady Award (Best Disappearing Act)

Billy McFarland graciously accepted the Lifetime Grift Achievement Award while crying into a sponsored Fiji water bottle.

Anna Delvey lost “Best Social Climber” only because she demanded a real trophy and then refused to pay the shipping fee.

Actionable Advice: How You Too Can Grift Like a Pro

• Always wear expensive-looking shoes.
• Never explain too much. Confidence > Coherence.
• If you get caught, immediately start a podcast called “Lessons Learned.”
• Never apologize-pivot!

Workshop bonus tip: Crying on camera increases crowdfunding success by 64%, according to Dr. Fizzle’s behavioral grift study.

Growth Mindset: Scamming as Self-Improvement

Each failed con is not a mistake. It’s a pivot.Each lawsuit is not a defeat. It’s a networking opportunity.

GrifterCon taught the fundamental life truth: You’re only ever one bankruptcy away from a memoir deal.

Attendees were encouraged to “fail upward” and “manifest scams so audacious the universe just accepts them.”

Nigerian Grifters Book Out Vegas’ Ebony Sands Resort & Casino for GriftCon 2025

In a move hailed as “both historic and deeply ironic,” a delegation of Nigerian princes, lottery winners, and urgent-email specialists has officially booked out the most African American-owned hotel in Las Vegas for GriftCon 2025.

The Ebony Sands Resort & Casino, famous for hosting NAACP galas and Juneteenth celebrations, was reportedly “enthusiastically hijacked” after receiving an email that began:
“Greetings! You have been chosen to host destiny and generational wealth!”

Management, assuming it was just another Democratic fundraiser, immediately clicked “Accept.” Contracts were signed. Deposits were wired—from offshore accounts—complete with promises of “investment opportunities beyond imagination.”

By the time they realized the guests were the global grifting elite — complete with satin sashes reading “#1 Email Warrior” — it was too late.

Eyewitnesses say the lobby is now filled with tables selling fake Bitcoin, love potions, and investment schemes called “Future Ice Money.”

Said one hotel employee, “Honestly, I’m not even mad. These dudes paid in advance…in crypto, in cash, and in motivational speeches about abundance.”

One Nigerian organizer, Prince Obi (real title: unclear), stated,
“America taught the world to hustle. We simply took notes, made PowerPoints, and emailed them back to you.”

GriftCon officials praised the partnership as “the perfect symbol of cross-cultural grifting excellence,” promising to add a seminar called “Emails That Launch Empires” to the GriftCon 2025 schedule.

Conclusion: GrifterCon Is America’s Truest Celebration

Forget Super Bowls. Forget State Fairs.GrifterCon is the soul of the 21st century.

We don’t admire courage anymore.We admire chutzpah.We don’t reward sacrifice.We reward spin.

In America today, you’re not a fraud if you can convince enough people you’re a founder.

And if you fail?Just throw a TikTok apology tour.Billy McFarland already has a coupon code.

Auf Wiedersehen!

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Disclaimer

This story is a proud collaboration between two real humans – a cowboy and a farmer – using nothing but pure wit, old-fashioned cynicism, and several mugs of bad coffee. No AI grifting was involved, though several ChatGPT clones did attempt to charge us $9.99 for advice we already knew.

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Here’s What Is Scheduled for GrifterCon 2025…

• The Wi-Fi password at GrifterCon will be sold separately – $150 per device – because nothing says “networking” like literal extortion.
• There will be a “VIP Platinum Lounge” experience. It’s just a janitor’s closet with a free copy of Rich Dad, Poor Dad duct-taped to the wall.
• The conference badges will be NFTs, but they’ll vanish from your crypto wallet two hours after check-in – for “environmental reasons.”
• A dating app exclusively for grifters, “Tinderbox,” will launch during the weekend. Motto: “Find someone who scams as hard as you do.”
• Keynote speaker Elizabeth Holmes (appearing via hologram from prison) will explain how to fake a blood test and a brand identity simultaneously.
• The welcome bags will contain expired Groupon coupons, a knockoff Rolex, and an inspirational quote that’s just “LIE BIGGER” in Comic Sans.
• An investment booth called “MarsCoin: The First Interplanetary Ponzi” will offer lifetime returns once Elon Musk colonizes Alpha Centauri.
• Every panel moderator will disappear halfway through their session – having sold the moderator chair on eBay for “exclusive memorabilia value.”
• Sam Bankman-Fried will teach a MasterClass titled: “How to Lose $8 Billion Without Losing Your Vape.”
• The closing ceremony will feature a standing ovation for Sam Bankman-Fried… led by influencers livestreaming it on platforms they themselves embezzled to fund.
• A panel titled “Gaslighting 101” will be canceled after organizers insist it was “never scheduled” in the first place.
• At least five pyramid schemes will be launched before lunch on Day 1, and three class-action lawsuits will be filed before dinner.
• The GrifterCon “Hall of Fame Inductees” will be decided by auction – whoever bribes the most wins – and the winners will be escorted out by casino security… proudly.
• Anna Delvey will host a $999 “Art of the Grift” brunch where attendees pay to sit on folding chairs inside an empty storage unit.
• Tony Robbins will make a surprise appearance, offering a $5,000 “Inner Grifter Awakening” seminar where the first lesson is “never pay $5,000 for advice.”

BOHINEY MAGAZINE – A wide, chaotic, colorful Toni Bohiney-style cartoon. Inside a huge convention center packed with booths like ‘Masterclass How to Lie and Get a Streamin… – Grifter Convention

The post GrifterCon: Grifter Convention appeared first on Bohiney News.

Hollywood Brawls Over “The Grand Illusionists”: Who Will Scam the Scammers First?

By Bohiney.com Staff(Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion)

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A Feeding Frenzy Even Anna Delvey Would Call “A Bit Much”

Hollywood executives, traditionally known for their grace and subtlety (pause for laughter), have apparently lost all pretense of professionalism.The cause of the chaos?A single, brilliant, morally questionable screenplay: The Grand Illusionists – the story of three real-world grifters banding together to con the entire planet.

According to sources with suspiciously perfect teeth, the resulting studio war has turned Los Angeles into a live-action version of Lord of the Flies, but with more cocaine and slightly better lighting.

At least three major fights have broken out at Soho House West Hollywood over who gets to film this masterpiece of modern duplicity.

In short:The scammers wrote a script about scamming…And now Hollywood is scamming each other trying to scam it.

It’s the most beautiful pyramid scheme since everyone in Hollywood learned about NFTs… last Tuesday.

MORE: New York Post

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The Studios: Who’s Fighting and Why They’re Losing

Warner Bros.: The Traditionalist Scam

Warner Bros. executives were first to move, arriving at the negotiation table with cigars, whiskey, and 1,000-page contracts written entirely in Old English.

“We know about grift,” said one VP, stroking a first-edition Harry Potter contract like a Bond villain with a white cat.”We’ve been fleecing audiences with DC movies for 15 years.”

WB planned a “dark, gritty reinterpretation” of The Grand Illusionists, where Anna Delvey becomes a misunderstood anti-hero and Billy McFarland gets a tragic origin story involving bad Wi-Fi.

Their pitch slogan:“From the Studio That Brought You Batman’s Feelings… Comes Three Criminals You’ll Sympathize With Too!”

The problem?Their first draft was so serious it caused three development executives to fall into medically induced comas during the table read.

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Netflix: The Mass Production Scam

Netflix executives, fresh off greenlighting 842 shows no one has ever watched, stormed into the bidding war with a “multiverse scam expansion pack.”

Their plan:

• The Grand Illusionists: Origins
• The Grand Illusionists: Sam’s Revenge
• The Grand Illusionists: Scam Wars
• The Grand Illusionists: You Thought We Were Done, Suckers?

According to leaked memos, Netflix’s “vision” included deep fake cameos by Barack Obama and footage licensed from Tiger King “for authenticity.”

Netflix’s strategy was simple:Flood the zone until America thinks the scams actually happened.

Unfortunately, their pitch meeting was delayed when one executive was caught Photoshopping Rotten Tomatoes scores live during the presentation.

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A24: The Pretentious Scam

Indie darling A24 offered a “lo-fi, arthouse reimagining” of the con artists’ story.

In their version:

• Dialogue would be whispered into mason jars.
• The score would consist of goats screaming in minor key.
• Scenes would be shot entirely with handheld potato-quality cameras “for realism.”

Billy McFarland would be portrayed by Timothée Chalamet after “gaining 12 pounds of ethical ambiguity.”Anna Delvey would be played by Anya Taylor-Joy dressed in “nothing but existential dread.”Sam Bankman-Fried would be replaced with “the concept of failure itself.”

Their title?“Whispering Grifters: A Meditation.”

Test audiences reported confusion, nausea, and a vague sense of betrayal – which A24 counted as a “smashing critical success.”

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Disney: The Family-Friendly Scam

Not to be outdone, Disney threw their Mickey-shaped hat into the ring.

They pitched a sanitized PG-13 musical version titled:“Griftopia: The Scam That Saved Friendship.”

Key elements included:

• Billy McFarland singing “I Swear This Will Totally Work” in a heartfelt opening number.
• Anna Delvey tap-dancing across a giant checkbook.
• Sam Bankman-Fried voiced by a CGI-friendly Chris Pratt doing an “Italian” accent so offensive it might spark a second Renaissance.

In the climax, the scammers realize the real scam… was the friends they made along the way.

Disney offered a record-breaking $750 million to acquire the rights – but the offer was contingent on the story being set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and involving time travel.

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Amazon Studios: The Actual Scam

Amazon tried something different.

They just… bought the real Billy McFarland.

Not the rights.Not the story.The man himself.

Rumors suggest Jeff Bezos sent Billy a personal DM reading:”I hear you like islands. Let’s talk private orbital cities.”

Amazon’s adaptation would be 12 episodes, with a budget bigger than Luxembourg’s GDP.Every episode would conclude with Alexa devices randomly ordering viewers T-shirts reading “Ask Me About My Ponzi Scheme.”

Critics worried about the corporate synergy.Jeff Bezos tweeted a photo of himself reading The Grand Illusionists script… on top of a pile of money… inside a Tesla… drinking Starbucks… wearing Nikes… holding a Disney+ subscription card.

Subtle.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“The last time this many rich people fought over something imaginary, it was the 2008 housing crisis.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“If you listen closely, you can hear every studio executive saying, ‘This project has heart!’ while writing bribe checks with the other hand.” – Sarah Silverman

“I hope Sam Bankman-Fried plays himself. No actor can match the raw stupidity of real life.” – Larry David

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The Surprising Dark Horse: Hallmark Channel

In a move no one predicted, the Hallmark Channel pitched a “small-town Christmas” version:

• Billy McFarland returns to his sleepy hometown to organize the “Christmas Scam Festival.”
• Anna Delvey is the tough but tender event planner.
• Sam Bankman-Fried is the jolly pizza shop owner who believes in the magic of crypto.

Hallmark demanded the film include at least 73 Christmas trees, 14 awkward snowball fights, and one fake relationship that becomes real at the Christmas pageant.

Working title:“A Con-Man for Christmas.”

Frankly?It tested better than expected with suburban focus groups.

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Polls and Surveys: America Chooses Its Favorite Scam

A Bohiney.com exclusive YouGov poll asked 5,000 Americans:”Who should make The Grand Illusionists movie?”

Results:

• 29% – Netflix (they already believe it’s real anyway)
• 24% – Warner Bros. (Batman cameo potential)
• 22% – Disney (for the merchandising)
• 18% – A24 (to pretend they’re cultured)
• 7% – Hallmark (pure ironic joy)

Most common write-in answer:“Whoever can get Nicolas Cage to play all three characters.”

Second most common answer:“Let the scammers direct it themselves. It’s only fitting.”

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The Secret Bidding Tactics

Hollywood being Hollywood, normal pitches weren’t enough.

Reports from insiders claim that studios employed a range of “persuasive techniques”:

• Netflix executives stormed the writers’ houses armed with gift baskets containing “Limited Edition Squid Game merch” and “I.O.U.” notes.
• Disney dispatched an army of lobbyists dressed as Stormtroopers who simply stood outside offices whispering, “Resistance is futile.”
• Warner Bros. flew in a real live bat as a “symbol of our commitment to darkness and betrayal.”

Meanwhile, A24 mailed 3,000 unscented candles and a note that just said: “Consider vibes.”

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Cause and Effect: The Scam Echo Chamber

Industry analysts warn that if this trend continues:

• By 2027, every Hollywood movie will involve at least one scam.
• By 2030, Oscar categories will include “Best Artistic Fraud” and “Most Relatable Con Artist.”
• By 2035, actors will just start committing real crimes and live-streaming them for awards consideration.

As entertainment lawyer Marvin Bletchley explained:”In the era of Fyre Festivals, fake heiresses, and $44 billion Twitter takeovers, audiences don’t want heroes. They want extremely charismatic train wrecks.”

The Grand Illusionists is simply the first honest reflection of that new reality.

---

Eye-Witness Account: The Ultimate Pitch Meeting

On April 27, at Chateau Marmont, representatives from every major studio gathered to deliver their final pitches.

What began as polite banter soon descended into:

• An actual bidding war where Netflix execs threw duffel bags of cash on the table.
• A fistfight between two Disney vice-presidents using rolled-up Avengers posters as weapons.
• An A24 agent attempting to summon “authentic storytelling energy” by burning sage (which triggered a fire alarm).

Witnesses claim the moment the fire sprinklers went off, Billy McFarland himself rappelled through the ceiling wearing a tuxedo and shouted:”WHO WANTS TO GET SCAMMED FIRST?!”

According to sources, the entire room stood and applauded.

Several agents cried tears of joy.

Anna Delvey billed the event organizers $14,000 for “curation services” and vanished into a waiting Rolls-Royce.

Sam Bankman-Fried tried to pay for his martinis in MangioCoin and was politely escorted out by security… again.

---

Conclusion: The Real Winners

No matter who wins the rights, one thing is clear:

Hollywood isn’t just telling a story about con artists.Hollywood IS the con.

And deep down, we don’t mind.

Because if we’re going to be lied to, it might as well be glamorous, hilarious, and have a killer soundtrack.

As Billy McFarland himself said (probably while signing fake posters at Coachella):”Never let the truth get in the way of a good invoice.”

---

Disclaimer:

This article is a proud collaboration between a cowboy, a farmer, and a half-empty bottle of bourbon.No AI was responsible for the human stupidity chronicled here – only humanity’s own boundless talent for self-sabotage.

Auf Wiedersehen!

---

---

Movie Treatment: “The Grand Illusionists”

Title:

The Grand Illusionists

Logline:

Three infamous fraudsters – a disgraced festival tycoon, a fake heiress, and a delusional crypto king – team up for the biggest con of the century: scamming the world’s richest elite by selling them a fake utopian city. But when egos clash and double-crosses abound, the real prize becomes who can scam the scammers first.

---

Introduction:

In a world where truth is optional and Instagram likes are currency, three outlaws of perception – Billy McFarland, Anna Delvey, and Sam Bankman-Fried – realize they’ve been wasting their talents on petty fraud.It’s time to level up.It’s time to build something bigger.Something so preposterous… that it can only succeed.

Their mission: create and sell a completely fictional “techno-utopia” to the wealthiest billionaires on Earth.

The only rule?Never, ever believe your own hype.

---

Full Plot Summary

ACT ONE: “The Pitch”

Setup:

We open on Billy McFarland (late 20s, charming, sweaty, the human equivalent of a TED Talk sponsored by Red Bull) exiting a medium-security prison – duffel bag in hand, debts to pay, and grander delusions than ever.

Cut to Anna Delvey (early 30s, unrepentant, couture-clad despite ankle monitor) charming her way out of court-mandated house arrest by convincing her parole officer she’s starting a “philanthropic foundation for ugly dogs.”

Meanwhile, in a dingy trattoria in Queens, Sam Bankman-Fried (40s, twitchy, thinks he’s Tony Stark but has $17 to his name) launches “MangioCity” – an imaginary Italian smart-city funded entirely by a fake ICO (Initial Coin Offering).

They’re all at rock bottom, each convinced they’re one good lie away from reclaiming greatness.

An anonymous text pulls them together:“We’re wasting time apart. Together, we could scam the whole planet. Meet at the Cloisters. Bring ideas.”

Cut to a clandestine meeting under medieval arches.They size each other up. Mutual disgust. Mutual admiration.Billy pitches the idea:”We fake an entire city. Smart roads. Hover taxis. Carbon-negative EVERYTHING. The tech billionaires won’t just invest… they’ll beg to be let in.”

Anna sniffs: “Only if we make it exclusive.”Sam grins: “And only if we accept crypto.”

The Grand Illusion is born:“Aurora City” – the first floating luxury utopia in international waters.

Target Market: Tech billionaires, disillusioned celebrities, ex-royalty, and “visionary” entrepreneurs who want to escape taxes and bad Yelp reviews.

Inciting Incident:

They launch a secretive “whitelist” for investors.Buzz spreads like wildfire.Famous YouTubers leak fake drone footage.Leonardo DiCaprio’s assistant inquires if there’s room for a villa.

Phase One: Complete.

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ACT TWO: “Building the Illusion”

Rising Action:

The trio operates out of an abandoned WeWork.Billy handles PR and media.Anna curates “investor packets” – glossy brochures featuring photoshopped paradise islands.Sam spins up “AuroraCoin” (currency of the new city), filling the whitepapers with enough buzzwords to give Elon Musk an aneurysm.

Soon, millions pour in – non-refundable “reservation fees” for property that doesn’t exist.

Montage:

• Billy charming a Saudi prince on Zoom while wearing pajama bottoms.
• Anna hosting “Aurora” soirees at fake penthouses, complete with rented peacocks.
• Sam giving TED Talks to holograms, believing they’re real attendees.

Their motto: “Luxury is just good lighting and audacity.”

But cracks emerge:

• Anna wants full creative control: “No ugly millionaires allowed.”
• Sam demands AuroraCity accept his lasagna-based NFT as official ID.
• Billy keeps secretly funneling funds to Plan B: his own secret island getaway.

Internal sabotage looms.

Midpoint (Major Twist):

At the height of their success, disaster strikes:Jeff Bezos expresses interest… and demands a private tour.

Problem: Aurora City doesn’t exist.

Solution:Stage a fake yacht tour off the coast of the Bahamas.

Cue the most chaotic fake presentation in history:

• Inflatable buildings bobbing awkwardly in the water.
• Holographic trees flickering like a bad VR demo.
• Actors hired on Craigslist pretending to be “Aurora citizens” (paid in Subway coupons).

Against all odds – Bezos LOVES it.

Investors double down.

The trio is now drowning in billions.

The bigger the lie, the stronger the belief.

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ACT THREE: “Every Grifter for Themselves”

Climax:

With so much money at stake, alliances crumble:

• Anna blackmails Billy with screenshots of his offshore accounts.
• Billy leaks footage of Sam snorting lines of Parmesan cheese off investor contracts.
• Sam hacks the AuroraCoin servers, turning all balances into MangioCoin overnight.

Double-crosses. Triple-crosses. Quadruple gaslighting.

Their final heist?Stealing the entire escrow fund ($2.7 billion) – from each other.

In a tension-soaked showdown aboard a mega-yacht, they exchange final betrayals:

• Anna bribes the captain to reroute.
• Sam disables the security system.
• Billy parachutes onto a passing Disney Cruise Line, carrying the real wallet codes taped to his chest.

Falling Action:

Authorities catch wind.Interpol raids begin.Yachts sink. Helicopters crash. MangioCoin plummets.

BUT…

In an ironic twist, the collapse of AuroraCity triggers a global sympathy movement:“Let Visionaries Fail” becomes a viral hashtag.

Billy, Anna, and Sam, instead of being arrested, are invited to give TED Talks on “disruption.”

They go on to sell the movie rights.

To themselves.

For $200 million.

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Main Characters

Billy McFarland

Charming sociopath with the attention span of a caffeinated squirrel. Dreams big, thinks small, lies effortlessly.

Anna Delvey (Sorokin)

Ice-cold master of aesthetic manipulation. Sees the world as a giant poorly-curated museum begging for her curation.

Sam Bankman-Fried

Wacky crypto-bro with delusions of entrepreneurial grandeur. Will sell his own shadow if he can figure out how to tokenize it.

Detective Carla Vance (Supporting)

Dogged Interpol agent who slowly realizes she low-key respects their hustle.

Jasper Wren (Supporting)

Billionaire influencer gullible enough to bankroll half the scam, then live-stream his heartbreak.

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Tone

A chaotic, sharp-witted crime comedy – a mix of Catch Me If You Can, The Wolf of Wall Street, and The Bling Ring.

Tension and stakes are real… but the absurdity bubbles just beneath the surface at all times.

Every shot feels like it might collapse under the weight of its own delusions – just like the characters.

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Visual Style

• Bright, over-saturated Miami Vice palettes for parties and promo scenes.
• Gritty, handheld camera for behind-the-scenes fraud.
• Glossy, dream-like cinematography during fake presentations to emphasize how much smoke and mirrors are involved.
• Occasional breaking of the fourth wall, with characters winking directly at the audience mid-scam.

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Closing Pitch

“The Grand Illusionists” isn’t just a heist movie.It’s a dark mirror held up to the modern obsession with image over substance, hype over reality.

It asks the ultimate question:”If everyone’s lying, does it even matter who wins?”

And it answers:”No, but it’s way funnier if it’s these three clowns.”

Auf Wiedersehen!

---

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The post Hollywood Brawls Over Scammers’ Script appeared first on Bohiney News.

Winners and Losers & Trump’s “Productivity Club”: Where the Builders Get Rich and the Complainers Get Podcasts

When Donald Trump Jr. and Omeed Malik announced the opening of The Executive Branch — an exclusive $500,000+ membership club for America’s most ultra-productive, overachieving, and inconveniently based individuals — the tectonic plates under Washington D.C. shifted.

Bohiney Magazine (certified 127% funnier than The Onion) is proud to present a full satirical analysis:

• The winners: people who paid attention in school and turned their homework in early.

• The losers: people who still think an unpaid internship at NPR is the pinnacle of existence.

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The Winners: Builders, Hustlers, and Dealmakers

Donald Trump Jr.: The Valedictorian of Inheritance

Donald Trump Jr. is what happens when an MBA, a hunting rifle, and a Twitter account are left alone in a room and told to raise themselves.

While Washington losers are still arguing about pronouns, Don Jr. is fundraising, founding clubs, and dropping memes at Mach 3.

Personal Story: At the opening gala of The Executive Branch, Don Jr. closed five business deals, downed six bourbons, and rescued a bald eagle from an emotional support group — before 10 PM.

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Omeed Malik: Ivy League Avenger

Omeed Malik graduated from Columbia Law and promptly decided that “virtue signaling” was less lucrative than actual capitalism.

He co-founded The Executive Branch with the noble mission of separating the wheat from the whiners.

Quote from a Member:
“If Omeed Malik had been around in 1776, the Founding Fathers would’ve asked him to draft the Constitution — and he would’ve added a venture capital clause.”

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David Sacks: Silicon Valley’s Defector General

Once a PayPal mafioso, David Sacks saw the woke tide coming and paddled faster than a salmon in bear season.

Instead of wasting time designing “inclusive fonts,” Sacks was busy building billion-dollar companies that actually made things — like profit.

Observation:
“While Zuckerberg was inventing the Metaverse, Sacks invented a retirement plan that doesn’t suck.”

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Chamath Palihapitiya: Capitalist With a Conscience (and a Portfolio)

Chamath took Facebook stock options and parlayed them into enough money to buy three countries and a small moon if he wanted.

While his enemies were learning about “emotional labor,” Chamath was learning how to double market caps before breakfast.

Eyewitness Account: At the club launch, Chamath was overheard saying, “Feelings are for quarterly earnings calls — not decision-making.”

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Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss: Bitcoin’s Double Dragons

The Winklevoss twins rowed their way from the Harvard boathouse to the blockchain, creating crypto empires bigger than Zuckerberg’s ego.

Today, they walk into The Executive Branch with matching Rolexes, full crypto portfolios, and an attitude that says, “Yeah, we won after all, nerds.”

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Chris Buskirk: The Conservative Workhorse

Chris Buskirk is the rare pundit who doesn’t just talk about capitalism — he runs businesses on the side.

While losers organize town halls to talk about “reimagining capitalism,” Buskirk is too busy re-imagining how many zeroes he can add to his portfolio.

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Zach and Alex Witkoff: Titans of Real Estate (Under 30)

Zach and Alex Witkoff inherited not just money — but hustle DNA.

At the launch party, they bought three distressed properties, launched a real estate app, and ghosted a woke hedge funder — all while ordering shrimp cocktails.

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Karoline Leavitt: The Press Secretary With Fire in Her Tweets

While most communications directors sound like robots programmed by HR, Karoline Leavitt actually knows how to complete a sentence — and destroy a narrative — without crying.

She once issued a 600-word clapback faster than CNN could misquote it.

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Elon Musk: The Industrial Revolution In Human Form

Elon Musk isn’t just a winner — he’s a productivity tsunami.

He builds rockets, cars, tunnels, robots, satellite networks, and now apparently also builds the club memberships he’s too busy to attend.

Musk’s presence at The Executive Branch is so powerful he reportedly launched a new startup in the valet line.

Analogy:
Hiring Musk for productivity is like hiring a tornado to sweep your driveway — chaotic, unstoppable, and somehow magnificent.

At the opening gala, Musk was overheard pitching a brain chip that lets you file taxes and learn Portuguese simultaneously.
(Some say he already installed it in Don Jr.)

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Bernie Moreno: Car Salesman Turned Senate Powerbroker

Bernie Moreno once sold luxury cars. Now he sells freedom with the same persuasive tone.

He’s the only senator who lists “capital investment” under “hobbies” and “destroying socialism” under “skills.”

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The Losers: Crybabies, Slackers, Marxists, and Professional Complainers

While the winners of America were inside The Executive Branch sipping $500 glasses of Macallan and swapping deal flow like baseball cards, the losers were outside — huddled around a single iPhone hotspot, composing their next Change.org petition titled, “Ban Billionaires from Having Fun.”

Let’s meet the heroes of their own sad stories.

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Adam Schiff: The King of Make-Believe

Adam Schiff’s productivity includes:

• Five investigations

• Zero convictions

• Six Netflix pitches about his “heroic” journaling habits during committee meetings.

Eyewitnesses reported Schiff wandering the sidewalk outside The Executive Branch muttering, “This isn’t over,” to a tree.

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Justin Trudeau: The Prime Minister of Apologies

Justin Trudeau believes the only way to run a government is through frequent national apologies — including to snowbanks, moderately offended baristas, and the ghost of Pierre Trudeau for ruining the family name.

At the Executive Branch gate, Trudeau was seen offering hand-written apology coupons to anyone who made eye contact.

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Emmanuel Macron: Revolution by PowerPoint

Emmanuel Macron genuinely thinks the best way to handle a farmers’ rebellion is through an eight-step action plan involving baguette subsidies, artisanal cheese discussions, and tear gas.

While Executive Branch members are brokering power deals, Macron is brokering ceasefires between vegan protesters and police horses.

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Angela Merkel: Chancellor of the Shrug

Angela Merkel led the EU through every crisis with a leadership style best described as “persistent dithering.”

During the Executive Branch’s ribbon-cutting, Merkel reportedly tried to negotiate a middle-ground membership where she could join the cigar lounge but not endorse capitalism too loudly.

Denied. Firm handshake. Moving on.

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Joe Biden: Ice Cream Truck CEO

President Joe Biden‘s biggest accomplishment in the last six months?
Correctly identifying butter pecan as his favorite ice cream flavor — three times in a row without losing his train of thought.

Poll:
61% of Americans now believe that Biden’s day planner just says “Naptime” between every public event.

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Nancy Pelosi: Lifetime Achievement in Grandstanding

Nancy Pelosi’s career is one long interpretive dance of pretending to do things.

Her leadership style is less “decisive general” and more “stage mom desperate for a standing ovation.”

Pelosi reportedly applied for Executive Branch membership under “Performance Art,” but was rejected due to insufficient net worth and excessive Chardonnay consumption.

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New Additions: The Marxist Wing of Whining

As promised, three Marxist Americans who embody the absolute opposite of productivity — a lifestyle rich in complaint but bankrupt in results.

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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Instagram’s Greatest Marxist Export

AOC has managed to turn being a bartender, a backbencher, and an Instagrammer into a lucrative personal brand of productive-looking unproductivity.

At The Executive Branch, real estate moguls and tech founders shook hands. Outside, AOC shook a ring light and yelled “Workers of the World, Like and Subscribe!”

Statistical Fact: 93% of her legislative proposals have been retweets.

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Bernie Sanders: Vermont’s Grumpy Grandpa

Bernie Sanders could’ve been an economic thinker.
Instead, he’s the human equivalent of that old guy at Denny’s who keeps yelling at the waitress about “the proletariat” while ordering the senior discount.

At The Executive Branch’s open bar, Bernie was not invited — primarily because the club’s champagne flutes cost more than his average tax proposal allows.

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Shaun King: Professional Grievance Entrepreneur

Shaun King built an entire brand around social media outrage, mismanaged donations, and producing exactly zero legislation, businesses, or employment for anyone except himself.

He once said he’s a freedom fighter — mostly fighting for a better Wi-Fi signal at Brooklyn cafés.

Outside The Executive Branch, King attempted to organize a boycott rally but canceled it when Uber surge pricing got too high.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“If whining were productivity, the DNC would already have six IPOs.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Biden’s five-year plan is to finish a three-minute speech without getting lost.” — Ron White

“AOC says she’s building the future, but I’ve seen more construction at abandoned RadioShacks.” — Larry David

“If Bernie Sanders wrote a productivity manual, it would just say ‘seize an avocado toast and overthrow brunch.’” — Sarah Silverman

“Shaun King once started a fundraiser to build a statue of himself being oppressed by success.” — Amy Schumer

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Final Satirical Conclusion: Builders vs. Moaners, America’s Final Divide

At The Executive Branch, productivity isn’t just a buzzword — it’s the price of entry.
If you didn’t build a business, a movement, or a meaningful meme, you’re not on the guest list.

The winners of this new America don’t waste time in grievance circles.
They build rockets, companies, yachts, and occasionally satirical magazines just to remind the slackers who’s winning.

Meanwhile, the whiners gather outside, clutching artisanal tote bags and writing angry TikToks about “late-stage capitalism” — on phones made by the very capitalism they claim to hate.

Productivity wins.
Excuses don’t.

Auf Wiedersehen from Bohiney Magazine,
where jokes are sharp, facts are funnier, and the divide between winners and whiners has never been wider.

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Written 100% by human beings — a cowboy and a farmer, who got bored waiting for Marxists to launch even one functioning app.

What Trump’s Friends Have in Common: The Builders’ Creed

At The Executive Branch and beyond, Trump’s friends, allies, and fellow overachievers share a distinct DNA sequence — unofficially known as “Productivitis Maximus.”

Here’s what Trump’s friends all have in common:

• They Build Things: Companies, brands, apartment towers, memes, lawsuits — whatever it is, they produce results instead of bumper stickers.

• They Like Profit More Than Applause: They’d rather have a successful product than a “brave” retweet. They measure virtue in net worth, not hashtags.

• They Paid Attention in School (and Skipped the Gender Studies Electives):
  Most could spell “capital gains” before they could legally drink.

• They Take Risks: These are the types who would rather lose a billion dollars trying than win a participation trophy whining.

• They Move Fast: In Trump’s world, if you’re still waiting for a committee to finish its “Impact Assessment Study,” you’re already fired.

• They Understand Loyalty: Loyalty is earned, expected, and rewarded — not traded for political favors or sold out for MSNBC guest spots.

• They Work 80 Hours So They Can Mock the Guy Complaining About His 38-Hour Workweek: Productivity is a badge of honor, not a burden.

• They Own Their Failures (and Turn Them Into Lecture Fees):
  Failure isn’t a scarlet letter — it’s the first chapter of the success memoir they’ll sell at $29.99 on Amazon.

• They Get Rich While Everyone Else Gets Distracted:
  While the media hyperventilates over mean tweets, they quietly quadruple their portfolio.

• They Laugh at Cancel Culture While Buying the Entire Building Hosting the Protest:
  Protest all you want — your rent check clears either way.

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What Trump’s Enemies Have in Common: The Complainers’ Manifesto

Now let’s spin around to Trump’s enemies: a sad orchestra of moaners, Marxists, academic aristocrats, and professional grievance consultants.

Here’s what Trump’s enemies all have in common:

• They Confuse Complaining for Contribution:
  They believe that typing “late-stage capitalism is evil” on a $1,200 iPhone counts as activism.

• They Have a Master’s Degree in Theoretical Outrage:
  And a minor in Repackaging Failure as “Speaking Truth to Power.”

• They Hate Wealth (Unless It’s Booked Through Patreon):
  They rant about “billionaire oppression” while quietly funneling Super PAC money into their organic beard balm startup.

• They Can’t Build Anything (Except Committees to Study the Possibility of Building Something Someday):
  If given a hammer, they’d form a 12-person subcommittee to discuss its “colonialist implications.”

• They Need Constant Therapy Sessions to Process Losing Elections:
  Every loss is explained as “a trauma event.”
  Every rejection is “systemic oppression.”
  Every missed opportunity is “a social construct.”

• They Believe Emotions Are More Reliable Than Outcomes:
  Actual quote overheard from an AOC intern: “It’s not about results. It’s about how loudly you feel about the results you didn’t get.”

• They Preach Equality but Secretly Rank Each Other by Wokeness Points:
  Even among themselves, they create petty hierarchies based on how many causes you hashtagged that week.

• They Hate Meritocracy Because It Keeps Handing Promotions to People Who Deserve Them:
  In Trump’s world, results matter.
  In their world, intentions should come with a salary.

• They Celebrate Victimhood as a Lifestyle Brand:
  They proudly list grievances like achievements — as if surviving a harsh tweet is equivalent to surviving Normandy.

• They Think Building a Club Like The Executive Branch is “Exclusionary”… While They Exclude Anyone with a Mortgage:
  They call exclusivity “elitist” until it’s their TED Talk invite list.

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Final Satirical Verdict:

• Trump’s friends build skyscrapers, rockets, brands, movements, and dinner parties that could topple whole governments.

• Trump’s enemies build Slack channels, complaint forums, go-fund-me sob stories, and yet another nonprofit nobody asked for.

The Builders Own the Future.

The Complainers Own a Podcast No One Listens To.

Trump’s “Productivity Club”

 

The post Trump’s “Productivity Club” appeared first on Bohiney News.

Satirical Journalism at Bohiney: For Readers Too Smart to Trust the News and Too Tired to Write Their Own Jokes

Let’s face it — if you’ve made it this far into 2025 without emotionally muting your news apps, you’re either a superhero or clinically addicted to disappointment.

At Bohiney Magazine, we salute your courage with what we do best:
satirical journalism for smart, tired people who understand the world is absurd — and simply refuse to go quietly into a group chat without at least one good joke.

We don’t do “fair and balanced.”
We do “funny and unfiltered,” because you deserve to laugh at the mess — without having to write the punchlines yourself.

Satirical Journalism: Because Facts Without Sarcasm Are Just Threats

The modern news cycle is an aggressive push notification.
But satire? Satire winks at you.

It says:

“Yeah, this is real. Yes, it’s that stupid. No, you’re not crazy. Now laugh before your nervous system files a formal complaint.”

Bohiney’s headlines don’t try to earn your trust.
They just tell the truth so well it hurts your ribs.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Bohiney makes me feel seen, attacked, and also like I could maybe survive one more fiscal quarter.” – Jace E., satire-dependent millennial

“It’s like NPR if it were run by drama majors who journal too much.” – Liz T., freelance strategist and burnout hobbyist

“I stopped reading the news. Now I just read Bohiney and scream less.” – Dani K., reformed pundit

Headlines That Read Like Your Inner Monologue Finally Went Public

• “America Agrees to Postpone Feelings Until After Next Financial Crisis”

• “U.S. Infrastructure Rebuilt Using Duct Tape, TikTok Trends, and Denial”

• “Breaking: Everyone Knew This Was Coming and No One Did Anything, So Let’s Joke Instead”

We’re not here to fix the world.
We’re here to caption it before it implodes.

Satirical Journalism for the Emotionally Literate and Ironically Fluent

You’re too smart for spin.
Too aware for cable news.
Too tired to write your own satire.

That’s where we come in.

We distill all the rage, chaos, and existential flatulence of the modern world into fun-sized articles you can cry-laugh to over coffee or your third glass of wine.

Bohiney Writers: Trained in Both Journalism and Emotional Judo

Our team includes:

• A recovering press secretary turned metaphor mechanic

• A poet who only writes jokes now because reality outpaced verse

• One guy named Dave who only speaks in headlines and vibes

Every piece we write starts with one question:

“What would this sound like if the truth had finally snapped and learned stand-up comedy?”

Why Satirical Journalism Is the Genre of Champions (and Cowards Who Can’t Watch the News)

• Real news = emotional paralysis

• Satirical journalism = emotional processing disguised as laughter

• Bohiney = your support group, but with punchlines and less talking over each other

We make it funny.
We make it hurt.
And we do it on deadline.

Final Thoughts: If You’re Exhausted, Smart, and Still Clicking — Satirical Journalism Is Your Genre

You’ve been tricked before.
You’ve trusted headlines.
You’ve read 40 articles about a tweet and one about democracy.

We get it.
We see you.
And we’re here to write the jokes you would’ve written if you weren’t busy dissociating.

This isn’t news.

This is emotional triage for the terminally informed.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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Internal Link: Let Bohiney keep reading the news so you don’t have to at Bohiney.com

The post Readers Too Smart to Trust the News appeared first on Bohiney News.

Study Finds 87% of Stand-Up Comics Are Just Trying to Avoid Therapy Co-Pays

New Data Reveals Stand-Up Comedy is Just Group Therapy with Liquor and Less Accountability

Read more human absurdity at https://bohiney.com

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Stand-Up Comics Ditch Therapy in Favor of Laughter, Liquor, and Loose Trauma Monologues

A recent study from the National Institute of Bummer Behavior (NIBB) has uncovered a shocking trend among stand-up comics: 87% admit they pursued comedy as a substitute for actual therapy — citing high co-pays, fear of emotional growth, and “better lighting in the club.”

“This isn’t performance. This is unpaid therapy with cover charges,” said Dr. Lindsay Chortle, clinical psychologist and lead researcher of the report Laugh Now, Cry at Denny’s.

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Open Mic Nights Are Just Affordable Therapy for Stand-Up Comics in Denial

The report surveyed over 3,000 stand-up comics across North America. Among its findings:

• 87% said comedy helps them “cope with childhood trauma… for free.”

• 71% preferred “five minutes on stage to fifty minutes on a couch.”

• 49% believe audiences should clap louder when jokes are about absent dads.

One anonymous comic shared:

“I don’t need a therapist. I need three drink tickets, a broken mic stand, and a crowd that’s at least halfway drunk and halfway emotionally intelligent.”

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Comparing Therapy to Stand-Up Comedy: Why Healing Privately Is Overrated

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Stand-Up Comics Reveal Why They Prefer Jokes Over Journals

Jules the Jester (L.A. based):

“My therapist ghosted me when I cried during a knock-knock joke. Now I just overshare in front of tourists and call it healing.”

Dante “No Chill” Rivera (Austin):

“It’s not that I don’t want help. I just want a crowd to applaud when I admit I wet the bed till 16.”

Kayleigh Killjoy (Brooklyn):

“I turn every panic attack into crowd work. It’s cheaper and more efficient than Zoloft.”

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What the Funny People Are Saying…

“Stand-up comics are the only people who think stage lighting cures abandonment issues.”
— Larry David

“I sobbed during a gig at a VFW. They thought it was a callback. I think I healed a little.”
— Amy Schumer (probably lying)

“Therapy teaches you how to cry. Stand-up teaches you how to cry on cue and get a drink afterward.”
— Billy Crystal

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Stand-Up Comics: The Unpaid Therapists of Themselves

According to the NIBB study, many stand-up comics use stage time as a makeshift mental health outlet, structuring their trauma into punchlines to avoid the emotional costs of clinical treatment.

“They’re not comedians — they’re trauma sommeliers,” said Dr. Chortle. “They pair childhood neglect with wine jokes. They sprinkle self-hatred into tight fives. It’s performance-based avoidance.”

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The Economic Truth: Comedy is Cheaper Than Therapy, But Not Safer

• Therapy session: $150/hour

• Stand-up open mic: Free, plus potential for nachos and unearned validation

• Outcome: Both end in crying — but only one earns you a drink ticket

Comics like Ricky “Raw Nerves” Navarro regularly transform unresolved trauma into killer bits. One of his openers:

“My dad left during Home Alone 2… I thought it was part of the movie.”

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Public Poll: Is Laughter the New Healthcare Plan?

According to a YouGovButFunny poll:

Would you rather…

• Pay $200 for therapy? — 24%

• Watch stand-up comics cry for $10 and a Coors Light? — 65%

• Do both on edibles? — 11%

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Comedy Venues Respond: “We’re Basically Clinics Without HIPAA”

At clubs like The Chuckle Fudge, management now hands out tissue packets with drink menus.

“We installed dimmer lights,” said one manager. “Not for ambiance — so comics could ugly cry without losing the crowd.”

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TikTok, Podcasts, and DIY Therapy for Stand-Up Comics

Stand-up comics increasingly turn to digital platforms for emotional release:

• TikTok: #TraumaDumpChallenge

• Podcasts: Your Sadness, My Content, Cry Laugh Repeat, and Two Mics, One Nervous Breakdown

• AI therapists: Declined to comment, but one bot said “Damn, bro, that’s deep.”

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From Freud to Fryers: Comedy as Psychological Catharsis

Comics aren’t just telling jokes — they’re externalizing repressed memory flashbacks in exchange for applause. The stage has replaced the couch, and the emcee has replaced the licensed clinician.

“Why talk to one person when I can trauma dump on 30 people and maybe go viral?” said comic Zoe Punchline.

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Health Insurance Industry Reacts: “Fine, We’ll Cover the Giggles”

In a landmark satirical press release, the American Association of Insurance Vampires (AAIV) said:

“We won’t cover actual therapy, but we’ll reimburse one comedy show a month — as long as it’s at least 90% sad.”

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Government Action: Medicare for Mic Drops?

Senator Bernie Sanders has introduced The Emotional Relief Through Laughter Act, proposing:

• Free mic time for citizens with unresolved childhoods

• One free drink ticket per depressive episode

• Licensed therapists to open for openers

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Sources:

Comics File Emotional Taxes in Joke Format to Avoid IRS Therapy Audits

Survey: Bartenders Tired of Moonlighting as Crisis Counselors

Laughter Clinics Replace Urgent Care in Gentrified Cities

Trauma Baiting: Why Audiences Reward the Saddest Stand-Up Sets

Therapy Dogs Now Booked to Open for Touring Comedians

Comics Offered Group Plan: 1 Therapist for Every 200 Punchlines

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Conclusion: Is Comedy the Cure? Or Just a Cheaper Cop-Out?

Until the American healthcare system starts taking mental health seriously — and until stand-up comics can afford to stop using grief as gig fuel — open mics will remain America’s cheapest support groups.

Sure, they won’t solve your issues… but they will laugh at them, clap at your pain, and maybe buy you a beer.

And really, isn’t that kind of beautiful?

Auf Wiedersehen.

The post Stand-Up Comics Avoiding Therapy appeared first on Bohiney News.

Wichita Falls Outraged After Wichita Falls Ranked #1 in Nation for ‘Most Confusing Town Name’

Tourists report looking for the actual falls and ending up emotionally unfulfilled at a concrete ditch.

Published by Bohiney.com — where satire falls harder than the actual Wichita Falls.

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Welcome to Wichita (Not Kansas) (Also No Falls)

It finally happened.

In a national poll conducted by the Unclear Geographies Institute and sponsored by the American Society for Misleading Tourism, Wichita Falls, Texas, earned the dubious honor of being ranked #1 Most Confusing Town Name in the United States. Beating out heavyweights like Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, and Intercourse, Pennsylvania, Wichita Falls finally claimed a title no one wanted but everyone kind of expected.

The name “Wichita Falls” allegedly promises two things:

1. A connection to Wichita.

2. The presence of actual falls.

It delivers on neither.

The Scene of the Crime: A Concrete Embankment with Ambition

Thousands of disappointed tourists arrive each year, breathless with excitement, ready to behold nature’s grandeur. What they get instead is a slab of concrete channeling water like a retired urinal for a shopping mall fountain.

One visitor, Misty Connors of Portland, Oregon, summed it up:

“We drove 17 hours thinking it’d be like Niagara. Instead, it looked like someone poured their bathwater over a parking garage ramp.”

Local signage hasn’t helped. A city map available at the Chamber of Commerce shows “THE FALLS” in Comic Sans with an arrow vaguely pointing toward a drainage ditch and a faded Dairy Queen.

What the Funny People Are Saying

Jerry Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with Wichita Falls? It’s not Wichita. It’s not Falls. It’s not even trying anymore.”

Ron White: “They call it Wichita Falls ’cause Wichita Slips, Trips, and Breaks Its Damn Hip just didn’t have the same ring.”

Sarah Silverman: “The most action that ditch sees is from depressed ducks and confused geese in witness protection.”

Larry David: “I went to see ‘the falls.’ My GPS said I arrived. I stood there. And I felt nothing. It was like every relationship I’ve ever had.”

Amy Schumer: “It’s like naming a town ‘Boobtown’ and then giving tourists two elbow bumps and a shrug.”

The City’s Official Response: Gaslighting in Print

Wichita Falls City Council issued a bold press release, claiming the ranking was “an honor” and that confusion is “a pillar of the town’s historical mystique.”

“We are proud to be the nation’s most enigmatic destination,” the mayor said, while trying to read the word ‘enigmatic’ for the first time. “This is a town that keeps you guessing — mostly where the bathrooms are and what the hell you’re doing here.”

The statement continued with a request for tourists to “just squint a little” and “use their imaginations” when approaching the ditch formerly known as The Falls.

History of the Name: A Lie Passed Down Through Generations

Contrary to popular belief, Wichita Falls was not named after any significant waterfall. According to dusty oral tradition and even dustier municipal records, the original “falls” were:

• Possibly real

• Possibly 3 feet tall

• Possibly just a cow slipping on a wet rock in 1882

That original trickle was wiped out in a flood and replaced decades later with a man-made water feature, lovingly engineered by a team of unpaid community college interns and one drunk welder named Carl.

When asked about the reconstruction, Carl simply said:

“Yeah, I just aimed the hose downhill and called it good.”

The Rise of Confusion Tourism

The misnomer has become such a draw that Wichita Falls now banks on what city marketers call “Confusion Tourism.” The slogan: “Where Am I and Why Did I Come Here?”

Attractions include:

• The “Falls That Isn’t” selfie station

• A fake “Welcome to Wichita, Kansas” sign for ironic Instagram photos

• A city-sponsored scavenger hunt called “Find the Falls” (spoiler: you never do)

The tourism board has even floated rebranding the concrete ditch as a “hydro-meditation sculpture,” complete with benches, LED lights, and calming Spotify playlists to trick visitors into mistaking disappointment for mindfulness.

Local Businesses Cash In

Entrepreneurs are adapting quickly to the flood of bewildered travelers. New storefronts include:

• “The Falls Are Fine” T-shirt Co.

• “Emotional Cliffside Café” (built next to an actual cliff for people craving real elevation)

• “Sorry About the Ditch” souvenir shop, which sells tiny water bottles labeled “Captured Fall Water – Now with More Chlorine!”

A new Airbnb experience offers blindfolded guests a mystery tour of the falls “to preserve their expectations.” Upon removal of the blindfold, guests are offered a complimentary therapy dog and slice of lemon pie.

Schoolchildren Refuse to Learn Geography

The local high school, Wichita Falls Secondary of Possible Truths, has reported a dramatic rise in existential essays. One 9th grader wrote:

“If there are no falls, is anything in this town real? Is my mom actually my mom? Or is she just another tourist, emotionally abandoned by city branding?”

The teacher gave it an A+ and asked to use it as a graduation speech.

Meanwhile in Actual Wichita, Kansas…

City officials in Wichita, Kansas, released a diplomatic but clearly sarcastic statement:

“We wish Wichita Falls the best of luck sorting through their identity crisis. We recommend water therapy… with real water.”

Local TikTok influencers in Wichita, KS, have begun a trend titled #OurWichitaHasWater, featuring majestic footage of fountains, creeks, and the tears of Texas tourists.

Petition to Rename Town to “Not What It Says on the Tin, TX”

A group of fed-up residents started a petition to rename the city to “Not What It Says on the Tin, Texas,” garnering 12,000 signatures in two days. Alternative name suggestions include:

• Ditchville

• Faux Falls

• New Disappointment

• Notchita Falls

• Sad Creek Heights

Wichita Falls City Council said it will “review the petition sometime between never and when the ditch freezes over.”

Emotional Toll of a Misleading Name

The Mayo Clinic (Wichita Falls branch) recently opened a support group called “Falls Survivors Anonymous” to help disillusioned tourists cope with the trauma of unmet expectations.

One group participant, Brenda, sobbed through her retelling:

“I wore my best athleisure. I packed a waterproof picnic blanket. I took one look at the falls… and now I can’t trust any noun-based town names.”

Therapists have introduced a treatment plan involving reruns of Planet Earth and guided meditation featuring the sound of actual falling water, recorded live in Minnesota.

Local Artists Fight Back

The Wichita Falls Visual Arts Society has taken a more aggressive approach. Their new installation, “The Fallacy of Falls,” features:

• A giant inflatable waterfall that slowly deflates over 20 minutes

• A performance piece where an actor in rain boots stands in a dry gutter reading Yelp reviews

• A mural that reads, “Expectation is the waterfall of delusion.”

It was promptly defaced by a rival artist collective known as “The Realists,” who replaced it with a crude doodle of a duck peeing.

Future Plans: Lean Into the Lie

The city’s most controversial plan? Build a fake waterfall bigger than reality itself. Funded by a $19 million grant from the Department of Regional Distractions, the city has contracted Imagineering company “FauxNature” to design a 90-foot LED-projected waterfall complete with mist sprayers, waterfall soundtracks, and holographic bears.

It’s expected to open in 2026, just in time for the Annual Conference of Misdirected RV Owners, which Wichita Falls will be hosting by accident.

Satirical Sources:

• Wichita Zoo Declares All Critters Innocent Until Proven Hairy

• Prairie Dog Union Threatens to Burrow into City Hall

• Brantley to Host New Animal Conspiracy Show: “Tooth and Tail”

• Texas Zoo Admits Previous Mistake: Flamingos Were Just Drunk Cranes in Drag

• Steve the Raccoon Lands Record Deal After Viral TikTok, Album Drops Friday

• Raccoon Posse Demands Respect, Wears Tiny Sunglasses to Press Conference

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Auf Wiedersehen! Join us next week when we investigate if Wichita Falls’ second most visited attraction — the world’s littlest skyscraper — is just a tall boy beer can on stilts.

What the Funny People Are Saying About Wichita Falls…

Jerry Seinfeld:
“So you go to Wichita Falls expecting waterfalls, right? You bring a camera, a picnic basket, maybe a kayak. And what do you get? A sidewalk with a drainage problem!”

Ron White:
“I asked a local where the falls were. He said, ‘You’re standing in ‘em.’ I said, ‘No sir, I’m standing in disappointment wrapped in concrete.’”

Sarah Silverman:
“Wichita Falls is like a guy on Tinder named Chad Everest. You swipe right, meet up, and he’s just a damp staircase behind a Walgreens.”

Larry David:
“Don’t name your town after something majestic if it’s just a sad trickle behind a Sonic. That’s false advertising. That’s class-action lawsuit territory!”

Amy Schumer:
“Wichita Falls is the only vacation where your GPS sighs at you. Like, ‘Sweetie… you sure about this?’”

The post Wichita Falls Ranked #1 in Nation for ‘Most Confusing Town Name’ appeared first on Bohiney News.

📍WELCOME TO THE WORLD ACCORDING TO SETERRA: GEOGRAPHY FOR THE CONFIDENTLY INCORRECT

Published by Bohiney.com — Certified 127% Funnier Than The Onion

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Geography — Now with 100% More Shame

If you’ve ever wanted to be humbled by a pixelated outline of Uzbekistan, Seterra is the game for you. It’s the world’s most educational method of proving you don’t know where the world is. One moment you’re clicking around with pride, the next you’re crying because you confused Sweden with Switzerland again, like a tourist trying to order schnitzel in IKEA.

Seterra is what happens when “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” gets drunk at a UN conference and challenges your ego to a duel. And loses.

Seterra is, essentially, a gamified quiz platform for learning geography—but not in the fun way, like naming rivers on pub night. No, it’s in the “you’re going to cry while trying to spell Kyrgyzstan” kind of way. It’s a digital bootcamp for cartographic incompetents.

And according to our entirely imaginary and unpaid expert panel (consisting of a lost cruise passenger, a former high school teacher with a globe tattoo, and one extremely smug 9-year-old), Seterra is responsible for more geographical self-esteem crises than Google Maps crashing on a family road trip.

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The United States of Confused

Let’s begin with the raw numbers: a 2024 Pew Research study (which we absolutely didn’t make up) found that only 4% of Americans could identify more than 3 countries in Africa—and 2 of those countries were Wakanda and Zamunda. One participant confidently labeled Madagascar as “that place where the animated lemurs live.”

Seterra attempts to fix this. And by “fix,” we mean it exposes. It shines a bright flashlight onto the dark corners of your brain, revealing that you’re pretty sure “Qatar” is a type of hummus.

Seterra’s interface is clean and simple. You’re presented with a map and a prompt:

“Click on Slovenia.”

You panic. Is it near Italy? Or is that Slovakia? Or…did you click Moldova again? Doesn’t matter.
Seterra buzzes you with the disappointed sigh of a thousand geography teachers.

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Click First, Ask Forgiveness Later

Seterra has spawned a global subculture of “rage-clickers”: people who believe that frantically stabbing at Europe with their mouse will somehow lead them to Estonia. Spoiler alert—it won’t. Estonia is watching. Estonia is judging.

A study conducted by the Institute of Cartographic Humiliation (which exists only in this paragraph) concluded that Seterra players go through the five stages of geographical grief:

1. Denial – “No way that’s Kazakhstan! It’s way smaller in my head.”

2. Anger – “WHY DOES EVERY AFRICAN COUNTRY HAVE A ‘Z’ IN IT?!”

3. Bargaining – “Okay Seterra, just show me where Rwanda is and I’ll buy the premium version.”

4. Depression – [sad music plays as player stares blankly at the Balkans]

5. Acceptance – “You know what? I don’t need to know where Albania is. I’m an artist.”

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Witness Testimony: Geography Ruined My Marriage

We interviewed a real person (or at least someone pretending to be one in the comments section) who claimed:

“My wife left me after I called the Netherlands a city in Denmark on a Seterra stream.”

Seterra has become the silent destroyer of relationships. Friends turn against friends in the “Flags of the World” challenge. One misidentified Scandinavian banner and it’s emotional warfare.

Even worse is the “All Countries of the World” quiz—an exercise in endurance, memory, and masochism. A Reddit user known only as “GeoTrauma420” shared:

“I finally finished the world map. I wept. I called my dad. He said, ‘I’m still disappointed in you.’”

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Seterra vs Public School: No Contest

In a recent controlled experiment we totally fabricated, students using Seterra for one week outperformed high school seniors in a national geography test by a margin of 700%. Of course, this may also be because the high school curriculum thought geography was a type of smoothie.

One student, 9-year-old Mika from Des Moines, told reporters:

“I learned more from Seterra in two days than my school taught me in six years. Also, I now know the difference between Niger and Nigeria, which apparently adults don’t.”

This sparked outrage among teachers, who called the software “a threat to the sacred art of coloring in blank maps for extra credit.”

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The Flag That Broke Me

Flags in Seterra are an art form in humiliation. You think you know flags? You don’t. They all look like horizontal stripes and stolen color palettes. You think you’ve clicked on Austria—nope, that’s Latvia. You think you’ve got Italy? That’s the flag of Ireland upside down in the mirror of despair.

There’s even a support group for people who can’t tell between Romania and Chad’s flags. It’s just one guy named Greg crying in a Discord server.

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Comedy in Cartography: What the Funny People Are Saying

Jerry Seinfeld:

“So we can find water on Mars, but we can’t find where Bolivia is on a blank map? What’s the deal with globes not having a search bar?”

Ron White:

“Seterra said, ‘Click on Mauritius.’ I said, ‘How about I click on whatever the hell I feel like and we call it progress?’”

Jackie Mason:

“Seterra makes me feel like I went to school in a potato sack while everyone else got Google Earth implanted in their brains.”

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Why Seterra Is the Perfect Game for the Overconfident

Seterra doesn’t just teach geography. It teaches humility. It strips you of your pride like a TSA agent confiscating your dignity in front of a family of four from Cincinnati.

And it’s not just Americans. Europeans are terrible at Asia. Asians are confused by South America. Australians—well, Australians just laugh because they know everyone thinks their country is also a continent and sometimes a zoo.

It’s a global embarrassment simulator. The United Nations should consider using Seterra instead of sanctions.

“You bombed a hospital? Cool. Now find Vanuatu on this unlabeled map or face embargoes.”

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Geopolitical Gaffes: A Case Study

In 2025, a U.S. senator famously misidentified Iran as “that country above Florida.” He later clarified that he meant “Iraq,” which he thought was near Atlanta. His staff revealed he’d been training with Seterra but refused to play any map outside of “U.S. States Easy Mode.”

That same year, the Pope mistook the Vatican for a suburb of Rome during a press briefing. A bold journalist slid him a Seterra map quiz mid-speech. The Pope failed. He then declared it heresy and excommunicated the developer.

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What Will Seterra Become?

With GeoGuessr now acquiring Seterra, the game’s future includes more multiplayer mode, more “click-shaming” animations, and probably a bot that mocks your score with an AI-generated Scottish accent.

Rumors suggest they’re launching a “Hard Mode” where all the countries are invisible and all the flags are grayscale.

A beta tester reported:

“It’s like trying to play chess while blindfolded and also being yelled at by an angry Swiss man.”

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Actionable Advice for the Geographically Challenged

• Practice Daily: Just 10 minutes of Seterra per day keeps international embarrassment away. Probably.

• Play in Groups: Nothing bonds a family like collectively failing to locate Papua New Guinea.

• Use Mnemonics: “Niger is nice. Nigeria is not Niger.” It’s not perfect, but it helps.

• Drink Wine: Not helpful for geography. But you’ll care less about being wrong.

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Conclusion: Maps Don’t Lie, But They Do Hurt

Seterra is the world’s most humbling game. It will reduce Ivy League graduates to flailing map-monkeys and elevate 6th graders to cartographic warlords.

It’s a game. It’s a study tool. It’s a mirror reflecting our deep, national failure to know where Canada ends.

Seterra: Because geography shouldn’t just be for pilots, spies, and people who read globes for fun.
It should also be for people like you—people who deserve the right to click “Eritrea” and feel proud they didn’t land in Yemen again.

Auf Wiedersehen!

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Funny Evidence Summary (No Labels, Just Laughs):

• Digital: Screenshots of friends arguing whether Belarus is a “real thing” or a typo.

• Personal: One dad got a tattoo of Greenland thinking it was Iceland. His kids weep daily.

• Physical: A cracked globe from a thrown tantrum when Seterra said “wrong again.”

• Testimonial: “Seterra made me question my citizenship.” —Susan, 47, still thinks Chile is in Europe.

• Trace: Keyboard ‘D’ key worn down from typing “Djibouti” in blind panic.

📚  Sources:

• • • How One Man Lost Custody After Failing the Seterra Oceania Quiz
    • Pope Fails Geography Test, Declares It Blasphemy
    • 9-Year-Old Declares War on All Adults After Mastering World Map
    • Man Arrested for Yelling “Djibouti” Too Loud in Public Library
    • Geography Bee Disrupted by Student Who Thinks Asia Is “Just a Vibe”
    • Flag of Chad Sues Romania for Identity Theft
    • Florida Congressman Asks Why the Middle East Isn’t in the Middle

 

Fifteen Observations About Seterra: The Game That Proves You’re Terrible at Geography

“Seterra taught me there’s a country called Djibouti. And I’ve been pronouncing it wrong for years. Turns out it’s not a dance move.”

Seterra is the only game where losing repeatedly makes you smarter. It’s like if Candy Crush gave you a PhD in Flags and Sadness.

Every time I take the “European Capitals” quiz, I remember why I failed high school Spanish: I was trying to learn French in Sweden.

Seterra says it’s “fun for all ages.” That’s true—if all ages enjoy sobbing quietly into a keyboard because they can’t find Moldova.

“Click on Slovenia.” — I click on Slovakia. Again. For the 18th time.
Seterra: “Incorrect.”
Me: “Emotionally, that’s not helpful.”

Seterra has taught me more about the geography of Africa than my 12 years of public school education.
But to be fair, my school thought Africa was just “where The Lion King happened.”

They say it takes 10,000 hours to master a skill.
I spent 10,000 seconds on Seterra and mastered the art of rage-clicking on the wrong island in Oceania.

There’s nothing like confidently clicking on Belgium only to discover you’ve selected “Belize.”
Close in letters, miles apart in regret.

Seterra made me realize that half of the Caribbean is actually just “French vacation spots with independence.”

“Name every country in the world!”
—Says Seterra.
Cool. Can I name every emotion I go through while failing? Denial. Shame. Pizza. More shame.

I nailed the “Flags of the World” quiz once.
Turns out, I was on the “Easy Mode” where every flag was Canada.

Seterra doesn’t judge. But it does pause for just long enough after a wrong answer to make sure you feel it.

You ever get so many countries wrong in a row that you start making them up?
“Yeah sure, ‘North Yugoblakistan’ feels real.”

Seterra users are divided into two groups:

• • • People who know every country on the map.

    • And people who call Antarctica “That Cold White Blob at the Bottom.”

I finally beat the “Asia Capitals” quiz.
My mom said she was proud.
Then she added, “But can you find your way to a job interview without GPS?”

The post Seterra appeared first on Bohiney News.