HuffPost’s Guide to Clickbait Journalism: How to Weaponize ‘Truly Bizarre’ for Maximum Outrage

From Marxist Café to ‘Bizarre’ Headline Factories – A Deep Dive into the HuffPost Playbook

New York – A deep investigation into the hallowed halls of HuffPost has revealed a shocking, truly bizarre, and utterly outrageous truth: It appears their newsroom operates less like a bastion of journalism and more like an improv theater where every act is a dramatic reenactment of Karl Marx’s dream journal.

Eyewitnesses, former staffers, and leading experts in the field of journalistic absurdity have come forward to unveil how HuffPost has transformed its reporting into an art form that blends melodrama, selective outrage, and enough “truly bizarre” headlines to fuel a conspiracy theory convention.

“They should rename it The Huffington Postmodernist Experiment,” quipped media critic Astrid Holgersson. “Their articles are basically a performance piece on what happens when clickbait meets political activism.”

The Magic of ‘Truly Bizarre’: HuffPost’s Headline Algorithm Exposed

According to sources inside HuffPost, the editorial team reportedly uses a patented “Click-Whisper AI” that generates the most outrage-friendly headlines. The system reportedly combines three essential elements:

1. A Political Figure They Loathe
2. A Mildly Interesting Event or Statement
3. The Phrase “Truly Bizarre”

For example, this cutting-edge algorithm produced classics such as:

• “Trump Posts Truly Bizarre Rant About Ketchup Bottles”
• “Elon Musk Says Something Truly Bizarre About Space Weasels”
• “Ron DeSantis Appears In Public Wearing A Truly Bizarre Hat”

“There is no limit to how many times they can use the phrase ‘truly bizarre,’” said former HuffPost staffer Greta Weissmann. “It’s like their secret sauce, but instead of being tasty, it’s just repetitive.”

Meet Ed Mazza: HuffPost’s Oracle of Outrage

One of the key figures at HuffPost, Ed Mazza, has been described as a “Marxist Nostradamus” due to his uncanny ability to predict the next headline that will trigger the maximum number of Facebook arguments.

Insiders claim that Mazza’s morning routine includes spinning a giant outrage wheel to determine the day’s talking points. The wheel is reportedly divided into categories like:

• “Trump Bizarre Behavior”
• “Republicans Hate Puppies”
• “Weird Elon Musk News”
• “America Is Over”

“It’s basically like watching a dystopian version of ‘Wheel of Fortune,’ except the only letters they ever reveal spell out ‘Fascism,’” said Clara Olsen, a satirical media analyst.

The HuffPost Café: Where Latte Art Meets Leninism

Former employees of HuffPost have described the breakroom as a Marxist speakeasy, where staffers sip on “Proletariat Pumpkin Spice Lattes” while discussing whether capitalism should be abolished before or after lunch.

One source described it as “a cross between a hipster coffee shop and a Communist study group”, adding that new hires must pass a Karl Marx trivia test before being allowed to sit in the “Good Vibes Only” section of the newsroom.

“They don’t even have regular coffee,” said Hannah Miller, a media culture expert. “They only serve oat milk lattes, which, ironically, are more expensive than regular capitalism-approved coffee.”

HuffPost’s ‘Truly Bizarre’ Obsession: A Timeline of Redundancy

Our investigative team conducted an exhaustive analysis of HuffPost’s articles over the past year and found that the phrase “truly bizarre” appeared approximately 3,426 times—or roughly ten times per article.

This is an astonishing number, considering that real journalism typically involves some level of variety in language.

“I don’t think they know any other adjectives,” said Maren Eriksson, who has spent years studying digital media trends. “They might need an intervention. Or at least a thesaurus.”

The HuffPost Journalist Starter Pack

Insiders have leaked the official HuffPost writer’s toolkit, which includes:

• A list of pre-approved adjectives (Top choices: “outrageous,” “problematic,” and “truly bizarre”)
• A Bias-O-Meter to ensure articles maintain an acceptable level of partisan slant
• An automatic ‘Fact-Check’ button that always defaults to “Republicans Lie”
• A framed photo of Karl Marx wearing a beanie

Former employees say there is also a secret Slack channel called “How To Frame Everything As Trump’s Fault,” where staffers brainstorm new ways to make literally anything about the former president.

“I once saw a HuffPost article blame Trump for an earthquake in Peru,” said Lotte Heidenreich, an expert on media bias. “It’s honestly impressive how far they can stretch things.”

Ed Mazza’s Journalism Degree: Fact or Fiction?

A deep dive into Ed Mazza’s academic history has raised serious questions about his credentials. A former classmate claimed that he majored in Interpretive Dance and Minored in Outrage Studies.

However, HuffPost insists Mazza is a “serious journalist” and refutes the claim that his degree came from the University of Woke.

“We don’t answer smear campaigns,” said a HuffPost spokesperson. “Our only mission is to fight misinformation—except the kind that benefits us.”

Bias? What Bias? The HuffPost Editorial Chant

Sources inside the newsroom claim that HuffPost staffers begin every meeting with a ceremonial chant to reaffirm their commitment to editorial purity:

“Objectivity is a social construct! Clicks over facts! Orange man bad!”

Experts say this level of bias is unprecedented, even in the wild world of digital media.

“If HuffPost were any more biased, they’d have to register as an arm of the Democratic National Committee,” said Elinor Jørgensen, a media watchdog.

Inside the HuffPost ‘Fact-Checking’ Department

One of the most truly bizarre revelations in our investigation was the inner workings of HuffPost’s fact-checking department.

According to a whistleblower, HuffPost fact-checkers rely entirely on a Magic 8-Ball to verify claims. The responses reportedly include:

• “Mostly False, Because We Said So”
• “Ask Again Later”
• “Orange Man Bad”

“It’s honestly just a prop,” said one former fact-checker. “If a claim fits our narrative, it’s automatically true. If it doesn’t, we hit the ‘Debunk’ button.”

A HuffPost Article in Real Time: The Step-by-Step Process

To understand how HuffPost operates, we recreated their article-writing process:

1. Pick a Conservative (Preferably Trump)
2. Find Anything They Did (Even Breathing Works)
3. Call It ‘Truly Bizarre’
4. Find a Random Twitter User Who Agrees
5. Publish It as News
6. Wait for Retweets

Former staffers claim this process never fails to generate engagement.

“I once wrote an article about a GOP senator ordering vanilla ice cream and called it ‘a dog whistle for white supremacy,’” confessed a former writer. “It got six million views.”

Conclusion: Why It’s Time to Retire ‘Truly Bizarre’

At this point, HuffPost has fully exhausted the phrase “truly bizarre.” It has lost all meaning. If something is truly bizarre, shouldn’t it be something actually strange—like a man marrying a bagel or a penguin running for office?

Instead, HuffPost has devalued the term by applying it to every mundane event that involves someone they dislike.

“This is why trust in media is at an all-time low,” said Jasmine Carter, a satirical media expert. “We deserve better. And by better, I mean at least one new adjective.”

Disclaimer

This article was painstakingly crafted by an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. Any resemblance to real journalists is purely coincidental. If you find yourself outraged, please direct complaints to the nearest Magic 8-Ball.

Mishing: The Newest Cybersecurity Threat That Will Definitely Ruin Your Life

Because Regular Scams Just Weren’t Stressful Enough

Mishing, the latest digital scam that sounds more like an adorable British insult than a cybersecurity threat, is now here to make your life even more miserable. Forget phishing—sending scam emails and hoping some poor soul clicks a link is so last decade. Cybercriminals have evolved! They now use text messages to scam you, because apparently, stealing your money through email was too inefficient.

According to experts, mishing (a mix of “SMS” and “phishing”) is already responsible for 62% of bad decisions made before morning coffee. That percentage skyrockets to 99% when the scam text starts with “Your package is delayed.” Because let’s face it—who among us is strong enough to ignore the possibility that our latest impulse Amazon purchase has vanished into the abyss?

“I got a text saying my bank account was compromised. Joke’s on them—I don’t even have a bank account, just a wallet full of old Chipotle receipts.” — Taylor Tomlinson

The Anatomy of a Mishing Attack

Mishing messages typically contain:

• A fake emergency – “Your bank account has been compromised! Click this link before your life falls apart!”
• A fake reward – “Congratulations! You’ve won $10,000 from a contest you never entered! Just provide your Social Security number for verification!”
• An emotional hook – “Mom, my phone is broken! I need money urgently! Don’t call me because my voice is also broken!”

Once you click the link, you’re taken to a website that looks just real enough to fool someone whose primary source of news is their cousin’s Facebook page. And just like that, your passwords, bank details, and possibly your dignity are gone.

Why Mishing Works So Well

Mishing is successful for three reasons:

1. People panic at the speed of light. Studies show that humans can go from “calm” to “Oh no, my identity is stolen!” in under 0.3 seconds.
2. Nobody reads fine print. If criminals write “Do not click this link unless you want to be scammed,” most of us would still click, just to see what happens.
3. We trust texts too much. It’s hard to believe a scammer is texting you when the only people who normally do are your dentist and your mom.

Experts Are Concerned, But Only When On Camera

Cybersecurity professionals are warning that mishing is becoming a major issue, but their official response is:

“Change your passwords, don’t click strange links, and maybe just stop using technology altogether.”

One leading expert, Dr. Nathaniel Codebreaker, warns, “If you receive a text claiming to be from your bank, ignore it. Banks don’t use texts. They prefer to torment you through automated phone calls and 45-minute hold times.”

Real-Life Victims Share Their Tragic Stories

Susan, 43, Avid Shopper

“I got a text saying my package was delayed and needed verification. I clicked, entered my details, and suddenly my credit card was buying luxury handbags in Dubai. Joke’s on them—I can’t even afford luxury handbags in Ohio!”

Mark, 29, Tech Enthusiast

“I received a text about a free iPhone giveaway. Of course, I clicked! I only realized it was a scam when my checking account turned into a checking out account.”

Grandma Judy, 78, Victim of Too Many Scams

“They said my grandchild was in trouble and needed money. I wired it immediately. Turns out, I don’t even have a grandchild. But just in case, I wired another $500.”

How to Protect Yourself from Mishing

If you want to avoid being mishandled by mishing, follow these simple rules:

1. Ignore all texts from numbers you don’t recognize. Even if it’s your boss. Especially if it’s your boss.
2. If a message creates panic, assume it’s a scam. True emergencies don’t arrive via text—except maybe when your ex is drunk.
3. Never click links in text messages. Unless you enjoy watching your bank account turn into a case study for financial ruin.
4. Call your bank directly. But be prepared for an interactive voice menu that will test your will to live.
5. Accept your fate. If you exist on the internet, your data was already stolen three breaches ago. At this point, just be flattered they even bothered.

Conclusion

Mishing is the cybercriminal’s way of saying, “We’ve upgraded, and so should you.” If you ever receive a suspicious text, remember: If it sounds too good to be true, or too scary to ignore, it’s probably a scam. Unless it’s a text from your mom reminding you to call her—then it’s definitely real.

The Top 12 Smashing Scams You Absolutely Shouldn’t Fall For (But Probably Will)

Because If It Sounds Too Good to Be True, It’s Definitely a Scam

Scammers are like mosquitoes—they’re everywhere, they thrive in the dark, and no matter how much you try to avoid them, they will get you eventually. They evolve faster than your phone updates, and just when you think you’re too smart to fall for one, you’ll be the next victim wiring money to a “Nigerian prince” in a state of pure panic.

To help you stay one step ahead of these cybercriminal con artists, here are the top 12 most smashing scams that you need to watch out for (and definitely not fall for, but who are we kidding?).

1. Mishing (SMS Phishing) – The Text Message Trap

Ah yes, the scam that sounds like a failed Olympic sport. This is when scammers send a fake text message pretending to be your bank, delivery service, or even a relative in distress. The text usually contains a shady link asking for personal details.

Common messages include:

• “Your package delivery failed! Click this link to reschedule or else you’ll never see it again!”
• “Your bank account has been compromised. Enter your login info here to confirm you exist.”
• “Grandma, it’s me! I need bail money! And also, I love you!”

How to Avoid It:

• Ignore texts from unknown numbers. Your bank is too busy charging overdraft fees to text you.
• Never click suspicious links. If a package is really missing, you’ll hear about it when your neighbor steals it off your porch.

2. Phishing Emails – The Digital Fishing Expedition

This is the scam that your IT department has been warning you about for years. Scammers send an email pretending to be from Amazon, PayPal, or some government agency, asking you to “verify your account” by clicking a link and entering your credentials.

Common email subjects:

• “URGENT: Your Account Will Be Deleted in 24 Hours!”
• “You Have Won a $500 Gift Card! (Just Give Us Your Soul in Exchange)”
• “Dear Customer, Your Social Security Number Needs Verifying (Because We Like Stealing Identities for Fun)”

How to Avoid It:

• Hover over links before clicking. If it doesn’t go where it claims to, it’s a scam.
• Check for typos. If the email is from “Amazone.com” or “Appl3 Support,” congratulations—you’re being scammed.

3. Tech Support Scams – The “Microsoft” Call You Didn’t Ask For

These scammers call and pretend to be from Microsoft, Apple, or another tech company, telling you that your computer has a virus. They’ll ask you to install remote access software so they can “help”—but in reality, they’re stealing your data faster than you can say Ctrl+Alt+Delete.

How to Avoid It:

• Microsoft will NEVER call you. They barely answer when you call them.
• Hang up immediately. Unless you actually enjoy strangers taking over your computer and draining your bank account.

4. Lottery Scams – The Free Money You Didn’t Win

A classic. You get an email or text saying you’ve won millions in a lottery you never entered. All you have to do is pay a “processing fee” first.

How to Avoid It:

• If you never bought a lottery ticket, you didn’t win. That’s how lotteries work.
• Real prizes don’t ask for money up front. Unless it’s a rigged carnival game.

5. Romance Scams – Love Is a Battlefield (and You Just Lost)

Some charming stranger messages you online, builds trust over weeks or months, and then suddenly needs money for a “medical emergency” or “visa fees” to visit you. Spoiler alert: They don’t exist, and now you’re $5,000 poorer.

How to Avoid It:

• Video chat before sending money. If they refuse, their “camera is broken,” or they always have a bad connection, they’re a scammer.
• If someone you never met in real life is asking for money, run. Love is priceless, but their scam isn’t.

6. Fake Job Scams – Work From Home, Get Paid Nothing

You see a job listing that seems perfect: easy work, great pay, and no experience needed! Then they ask you to pay for “training materials” or send personal details before hiring you.

How to Avoid It:

• No legit job asks you to pay them first. That’s the opposite of how jobs work.
• If the salary seems too good to be true, it’s fake. Nobody’s paying you $5,000 a week to post TikToks.

7. Social Media Giveaways – Congrats, You Won Nothing!

Ever get tagged in a post that says, “Congrats! You won a free iPhone! Just click this link and enter your personal info!” Yeah, that’s a scam.

How to Avoid It:

• Legit companies don’t randomly tag you in giveaways. They don’t even tag their own employees.
• Never enter personal details in a random link. Unless you enjoy identity theft.

8. Investment Scams – Make $10,000 Overnight! (By Losing It All)

These scams promise high returns with zero risk—usually through cryptocurrency or “secret stock tips.” Spoiler: The only one getting rich is the scammer.

How to Avoid It:

• If it sounds too good to be true, it is. There’s no such thing as risk-free investment, unless you’re buying snacks.
• Never send money to “brokers” you met online. Unless you want your life savings to vanish.

9. Fake Rental Listings – Your Dream Apartment Doesn’t Exist

You find an amazing rental for cheap. The only catch? The “landlord” needs a deposit before you can see it. Spoiler: It’s not real.

How to Avoid It:

• Never pay upfront before seeing a place. You might be renting air.
• Google the listing. If it appears on multiple sites with different prices, it’s fake.

10. Fake Charities – Guilt-Trip Scams

Scammers pretend to be charities, often after disasters, and pressure you into donating immediately.

How to Avoid It:

• Donate directly through official charity websites. Not a random text message.
• Research before donating. Some scammers even pose as legit charities with tiny spelling differences.

11. Fake Delivery Notifications – “Your Package Is Stuck”

You get a text saying your package can’t be delivered unless you “verify your info.” The link steals your credit card details.

How to Avoid It:

• Check tracking numbers through the carrier’s official site. Not a random text link.
• Delivery companies don’t text you like that. They’ll just leave your package outside in the rain.

12. Deepfake Scams – Your CEO Isn’t Asking for Gift Cards

Scammers now use AI-generated deepfake voices to impersonate your boss or a loved one, asking for money.

How to Avoid It:

• If your “boss” calls asking for urgent gift cards, it’s a scam. Real bosses just make you work overtime for free.
• Always verify requests by calling the person back. Preferably not using the number they gave you.

Conclusion

Scammers are getting smarter, but that doesn’t mean you have to get dumber. Stay alert, trust your instincts, and remember: if anyone asks for money over text, email, or phone—tell them your own funds are currently stuck in a Nigerian prince’s account.

• “A prince from Nigeria emailed me about a fortune, so I sent him my student loan balance. If he wants to inherit something, he can start with my debt.” — Ilana Glazer

• “I got a call from ‘Microsoft’ saying my computer had a virus. I told them, ‘Buddy, this thing is so slow it probably has dysentery from the Oregon Trail.’” — Lauren Pattison

• “I almost fell for a scam text saying my package was delayed, but then I remembered—I’m broke. What package?” — Hannah Berner

• “A scammer called pretending to be my grandma needing money. I said, ‘Nice try. My grandma doesn’t call—she just sends cryptic Facebook comments in all caps.’” — Marcella Arguello

• “They say if you see something, say something. So when I got a phishing email from ‘Amazan,’ I replied, ‘Nice try, you illiterate thieves.’” — Zainab Johnson

• “I got an email saying I’d won a free vacation, so I clicked just to see. Now I have 57 viruses and the closest thing I have to a vacation is my Wi-Fi being too slow to load work emails.” — Amy Gledhill

• “A scammer said my Social Security number had been suspended. Oh no, what will I do? Not retire?!” — Rose Matafeo

• “I got a text from my ‘bank’ saying my account had unusual activity. I knew it was a scam because the only activity in my account is avoiding overdraft fees.” — Rachel Sennott

• “Scammers always say, ‘This is an urgent matter!’ Yeah, well so is me deciding what to eat for dinner, and yet I still ignore that problem daily.” — Irene Tu

• “A scammer told me I won $10,000 and just needed to pay a $500 fee. I said, ‘I can’t even afford to be scammed, man. Times are tough.’” — Savannah Lee

• “I keep getting calls about my car’s extended warranty. Joke’s on them—I don’t even have a car. Just a bus pass and a dream.” — Isabella Cruz

White House Prepares for the Eagles’ Visit Like a Natural Disaster Is Coming

Washington, D.C. – The Philadelphia Eagles are set to visit the White House following their Super Bowl LIX victory, but it seems the administration is preparing less for a championship celebration and more for a high-risk hostage situation. Officials have taken unprecedented precautions ahead of the Eagles’ arrival, treating the event like a Category 5 storm hitting Pennsylvania Avenue.

“The White House inviting the Eagles is like your grandma inviting the Hell’s Angels over for tea. ‘Just don’t touch the good china, boys!’” — Taylor Tomlinson

A Five-Alarm Situation: Fire Engines on Standby

Philadelphia sports fans are known for their high-energy celebrations, and by “high-energy,” we mean “fire hazards.” The White House has stationed five extra fire engines around the perimeter, with emergency crews prepared for any spontaneous combustion—whether it be from fireworks, overturned cars, or, historically speaking, an ignited Christmas tree.

D.C. Fire Chief John “Sparky” McBlaze admitted that he’s seen a lot in his career, but nothing quite like the Eagles’ Broad Street celebrations. “These people set their own city on fire over a football game,” McBlaze said, shaking his head. “If they get too excited in the Rose Garden, we might be watching a controlled burn of the White House hedges.”

The extra precautions stem from past Eagles celebrations, where public property—light poles, bus stops, and even convenience stores—became kindling. One firefighter in Philadelphia reported that during their last Super Bowl win, “someone set fire to a Wawa, and we still don’t know how.”

Secret Service Hiring Spree: “We Need More Bodies”

The Secret Service has been thrown into chaos, launching a last-minute hiring spree to ensure the safety of White House property—and possibly the President himself. Unnamed sources within the agency have confirmed that new hires are undergoing emergency training in “Mob Psychology” and “Pretzel-Related Projectiles.”

“Protecting a sitting president from an international threat is one thing,” said Secret Service agent Samantha “Eagle Eye” Roberts. “But protecting priceless historical artifacts from 53 guys hopped up on cheesesteaks and beer? That’s an entirely different level of danger.”

The concerns are not unfounded. After the Eagles’ last Super Bowl win, a fan famously ate horse manure off the street in celebration. “If someone is willing to eat manure over a football game, what do you think they’ll do if they see the White House silverware set?” asked one White House staffer, who wished to remain anonymous.

“Secret Service agents are getting crash courses in fan behavior. What’s the training? ‘If a guy in a Brian Dawkins jersey starts climbing the walls, deploy a hoagie and a nap zone immediately!’” — Marcella Arguello

The Great White House Inventory: Recording Serial Numbers on Everything

Inside the White House, staff members have been busy recording the serial numbers of every single item of value. The bust of Abraham Lincoln? Documented. The presidential pens? Photographed and counted. Even the napkin dispensers in the White House mess hall have been added to a running list.

Mildred “Lock and Key” Thompson, a veteran White House curator, has taken the lead on this effort. “It’s not that we don’t trust the Eagles,” Thompson said with a forced smile. “It’s just that we know…they might accidentally take some souvenirs.”

Thompson has reason to be concerned. During previous championship celebrations, sports teams have been known to take liberties with “mementos.” Former NFL player and Super Bowl winner Mark Schlereth recalled, “I once saw a guy from another team leave the White House with a spoon in his sock. If they get near the Oval Office, forget it. The desk might not be there when we wake up.”

Walmart Loss Prevention Experts Brought In to Mingle with Guests

Perhaps the most unusual security measure yet, the White House has enlisted the help of Walmart’s top loss prevention specialists to blend in with the party guests. These retail security experts, known for catching shoplifters on Black Friday, have been given special access to the event to monitor for any “accidental acquisitions.”

Gary “The Hawk” Jenkins, a Walmart veteran with over 20 years of experience in catching sticky-fingered shoppers, was unimpressed by the challenge. “I’ve tackled grandmas trying to steal toasters and teenagers stuffing PlayStations down their pants,” Jenkins said. “If an offensive lineman thinks he’s walking out with an ashtray, he’s got another thing coming.”

Cheesesteak-Proofing the Premises: Industrial Strength Grease Protection

White House officials have also taken extreme measures to safeguard the residence from Philadelphia’s most notorious export: the cheesesteak. A special team has been brought in to apply industrial-strength grease-resistant coatings to all furniture, tablecloths, and historical documents.

“We learned our lesson last time,” said White House kitchen coordinator Antoine “Butterfingers” Boulanger. “You ever tried to get melted provolone out of 19th-century wallpaper? It’s like trying to unsee an Eagles fan in jorts diving through a folding table.”

The move is backed by science. A recent study from the Philadelphia Culinary Institute found that the average cheesesteak contains enough grease to lubricate a small aircraft engine. The White House isn’t taking any chances.

Reinforced Goalposts: No Disassembling White House Fixtures

Given the Eagles’ fans’ tradition of tearing down goalposts after a big win, the White House has reinforced all vertical structures to prevent any incidents. The historical lampposts, fences, and even the Washington Monument are being “goalpost-proofed” with deep concrete reinforcements.

“Let’s just say, if they want to take down a light pole, they’ll need a backhoe and 10 hours of free time,” said Groundskeeper Earl “Sturdy” Oakley.

The precaution is warranted. After the Eagles’ 2018 win, fans in Philadelphia removed an entire goalpost from Lincoln Financial Field and paraded it through the city. One fan, when asked how they planned to transport it, simply replied, “That’s a problem for Future Me.”

Deploying Therapy Animals: A Preemptive Strike Against Chaos

To counteract the expected adrenaline-fueled mania, the White House is deploying therapy animals to provide emotional support to guests. Several therapy dogs, cats, and even a bald eagle named “Liberty” will be on hand to defuse any potentially chaotic situations.

Dr. Felicity “Furball” Adams, a behavioral therapist specializing in high-energy sports fans, believes this is a necessary step. “People are much less likely to throw a chair through a window if they’re holding a golden retriever puppy,” she said. “It’s science.”

Designated Nap Zones for Overstimulated Guests

For those who reach peak excitement too early, the White House has established designated nap zones complete with blackout curtains and soundproofing.

Event coordinator Nancy “Siesta” Martinez noted, “A well-rested fan is far less likely to attempt to climb the Lincoln Bedroom curtains. Trust me. We did the math.”

Research from the National Sleep Foundation suggests that short naps can reduce impulsive behavior by nearly 50%. If all goes well, the designated nap zones could prevent at least three historical busts from being used as makeshift footballs.

Mandatory Etiquette Workshops: Teaching Guests How to Behave Indoors

All players and staff will be required to attend a 15-minute etiquette workshop before entering the White House. The curriculum includes topics like “How to Use Coasters” and “Why the Oval Office is Not a Beer Pong Table.”

Sir Reginald “Manners” Worthington III, the instructor leading the training, was optimistic. “Look, if we can get Eagles fans to say ‘please’ before launching themselves off a tailgate truck, we’ve already won.”

Emergency Holding Cells: Preparing for the Worst

In the unlikely event that celebrations spiral out of control, the White House has constructed temporary holding cells, humorously referred to as “Time-Out Corners.” Security Chief Bruno “The Warden” Fernandez emphasized, “We’re not saying we expect trouble, but we’ve never seen a group of people this passionate about a football team and… let’s just say, we’d rather be safe than sorry.”

During a past championship event, a guest was detained after attempting to autograph a portrait of Abraham Lincoln with a Sharpie. “It was just a little signature,” the guest reportedly said. “He would’ve wanted it.”

Conclusion: Can the White House Survive?

With all these precautions in place, the question remains: will the White House make it through the Eagles’ visit unscathed? Only time will tell. But one thing is certain—this will be the most heavily secured, cheesesteak-proofed, and Walmart-surveilled event in presidential history.

If the White House is still standing by the end of it, we can consider it a win for national security.

• “Five extra fire trucks, Secret Service on alert, Walmart loss prevention guys sneaking around? Is this a football team visiting or Ocean’s Eleven doing a heist?” — Lauren Pattison

• “They’re recording serial numbers on everything in the White House. Can you imagine Biden patting his pockets at the end of the night, like, ‘Where’s my pen? Somebody check Jason Kelce!’” — Ilana Glazer

• “You know it’s bad when the White House has to consult Walmart security. Those guys are like Navy SEALs for stopping people who think deodorant is free if you run fast enough.” — Hannah Berner

• “They installed ‘nap zones’ for overstimulated Eagles players. You know Philly fans are a problem when the White House is treating them like sugar-high toddlers at daycare.” — Zainab Johnson

• “The White House reinforced everything to stop them from tearing stuff down. ‘Oh, you want the Washington Monument? Good luck, we superglued it. Now go take a nap.’” — Rose Matafeo

• “Imagine being the guy from the Secret Service who has to frisk Jason Kelce. ‘Sir, is that a White House ashtray in your pocket?’ ‘Nah, bro, that’s just my thigh.’” — Rachel Sennott

• “They have therapy animals ready to keep the Eagles calm. Let’s be honest, that bald eagle named Liberty is going to have to do a lot of emotional labor.” — Irene Tu

• “Etiquette training for Eagles players? ‘Please, sir, let’s discuss why cannonballing into the White House fountain is considered gauche.’” — Amy Gledhill

A Hollywood Icon Takes a Stand (From Her Barstool)

It was a foggy night in Hollywood—or maybe just a foggy night for Whoopi Goldberg, who was seated at the dimly lit corner of a West Hollywood bar, sipping on a double whiskey with the authority of someone who had just been through a View segment that ran way too long.

“I’m sick of it, man,” Whoopi declared, swirling her glass dramatically. “The media, the bloggers, the trolls, all obsessed with celebrity bodies! I mean, who cares? It’s just a body!”

She gestured vaguely, nearly knocking over a bowl of peanuts. “Look at me. Do I look like I give a damn about that nonsense?”

A pregnant pause. The bartender gave an involuntary cough. Somewhere in the back, a jukebox stopped mid-song, as if even technology was hesitant to answer that question.

The Judging Must Stop—Unless It’s Whoopi Doing the Judging

Whoopi has spent decades as one of Hollywood’s most opinionated figures, a self-proclaimed “truth-teller” who calls out hypocrisy wherever she sees it—except, of course, when the hypocrisy is her own.

“People judge me all the time,” she lamented, finishing off her whiskey in one gulp. “I walk down the street, and people whisper. ‘Whoopi, she’s looking… um, sturdy.’”

She slammed her glass on the bar. “And I’m like, ‘Damn right I’m sturdy! I survived Jumpin’ Jack Flash! I can survive this.’”

Yet, Whoopi has never hesitated to judge others. Melania Trump’s accent? Fair game. Politicians’ haircuts? Absolutely. Taylor Swift’s dating life? Open season.

“But see, that’s different,” she explained, ordering another drink. “I critique important things. Like policy. And, you know, sometimes Ivanka Trump’s outfits. But when it comes to bodies—that’s where I draw the line.”

Because, apparently, scrutinizing someone’s policy positions is fair, but calling someone “shaped like an upright beanbag chair” is unacceptable.

The Media’s Toxic Obsession With Beauty—And Whoopi’s Toxic Obsession With Opinions

Whoopi swirled her drink, narrowing her eyes. “I just don’t get why people care so much. Like, do we not have enough problems in the world? Why are we dissecting celebrity bodies when we could be dissecting something important—like, I don’t know, the fact that nobody’s remade Sister Act with me as a nun-turned-mob-boss?”

But the real question: Why does Whoopi suddenly hate body judgment when The View has built an empire on scrutinizing people?

Late-night comedians have already weighed in.

“Whoopi saying we shouldn’t judge celebrity bodies is like a fast food chain telling us not to count calories.” — Iliza Shlesinger

“She’s right. We shouldn’t judge celebrity bodies. We should focus on the real issues—like why Hollywood keeps making Sister Act sequels.” — Taylor Tomlinson

Even the bartender chimed in. “Look, I love Whoopi, but I remember when she called some Republican dude a ‘thumb in a suit.’ So, you know, glass houses.”

Whoopi, unfazed, waved a dismissive hand. “That was different—he looked like a literal thumb. That’s science.”

Science, indeed.

A Deep Dive Into Whoopi’s Hollywood Body Crisis

As the drinks kept flowing, Whoopi delved into her personal history with Hollywood’s body obsession.

“You know, back in the day, they used to tell me I needed to slim down,” she mused. “And I told them, ‘Slim down? For what? So I can play the sexy nun in Sister Act?’”

She let out a raspy laugh that sent an ice cube flying from her glass.

“And the worst part?” she continued. “They still do it! Just last week, some internet troll said I looked like I was smuggling a Thanksgiving turkey under my coat. I mean, that’s offensive. I would never waste a turkey like that.”

When asked how she deals with the criticism, Whoopi shrugged. “You just gotta roll with it, you know? Like Lizzo. Love her. She wears those wild outfits, she don’t care. Me? I wear baggy sweaters and hope nobody notices I still have a neck.”

It was then that a View producer, who had somehow tracked Whoopi to the bar, reminded her that technically, she had been the one commenting on Lizzo’s wardrobe choices just weeks earlier.

“Yeah, but that’s different,” Whoopi shot back. “That was fashion critique. Not body shaming. There’s a difference.”

Is there, though?

Is Whoopi the Real Victim Here?

As the night progressed, Whoopi’s philosophical musings on Hollywood’s double standards deepened.

“You know who really gets judged unfairly?” she asked, pointing an accusatory finger at no one in particular. “Me.”

“All these skinny Hollywood girls, they get a pass. But I step out in a strong outfit—a robust outfit—and suddenly I’m a walking Twitter meme.”

To illustrate her point, Whoopi pulled out her phone and showed a recent tweet:

“Whoopi Goldberg dresses like she lost a bet with a couch.”

She nodded solemnly. “See? This is the problem with society.”

It was hard to argue with that. Well, not really, but nobody at the bar wanted to risk their drink service by pointing out the flaw in her logic.

The Final Word (And Another Drink)

By the end of the night, Whoopi had made her position clear: Judging bodies? Bad. Judging everything else? Fair game.

She took one last sip of her whiskey and sighed. “At the end of the day, people just need to let people be people. You wanna be big? Be big. You wanna be small? Be small. Just don’t be a hypocrite, you know?”

A bold statement from a woman who, at that very moment, was wearing a coat so large it could have been a shared living space for a family of five.

“Anyway,” she added, fishing for a tip in her bag, “I gotta get home. These opinions don’t form themselves, you know.”

And with that, Whoopi Goldberg—the warrior against body judgment—stumbled into the Hollywood night, presumably to wake up tomorrow and go back to judging absolutely everything else.

Auf Wiedersehen, Whoopi. Auf Wiedersehen.

Disclaimer:

This investigative masterpiece was crafted through a rigorous journalistic process that involved exactly one whiskey-fueled interview with Whoopi Goldberg at a dimly lit bar, where she may or may not have mistaken a coat rack for a CNN reporter. Any resemblance to real-life hypocrisy is purely coincidental—unless it isn’t.

No egos were harmed in the making of this article (except maybe Whoopi’s), and any outrage should be directed at The View’s complaint department, which we assume is just a pile of unread emails labeled “Joy Behar’s Greatest Hits.”

For legal reasons, we must clarify that Whoopi’s whiskey intake is a comedic exaggeration, though her commitment to contradictory opinions is entirely factual.

This article is a collaborative effort between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. You figure out which one’s which.