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Tyler Fischer vs. Woke Delta: How a Conservative Comedian Got Grounded for Good

The No-Fly Comedy Tour Takes Off (Without Airplanes)

In an age where tweets take you places, conservative comedian Tyler Fischer discovered that they can also be the reason you stay home. After a rather turbulent encounter with Delta Air Lines’ inclusivity policies, Fischer found himself permanently grounded from the airline. This has led to his new comedy venture: The “No-Fly List Tour.” Because let’s face it, when you’re banned from a major airline, the next best thing is to monetize the heck out of it.

“I’ve always wanted to see the country by bus,” Fischer quipped. “Nothing says ‘luxury’ like a Greyhound with a broken bathroom and a guy named Carl selling mystery sandwiches in the back.”

This whole saga began with a simple accessory—a Pride flag pin. Fischer saw it, tweeted about it, and now he’s sitting at home clutching his suitcase, reminiscing about those sweet, sweet SkyMiles he’ll never earn.

“If getting banned from Delta is the price of free speech, I’ll just take my chances on a hot air balloon. It can’t be worse than their legroom.” — Tyler Fischer

Pride Pin: The Little Accessory That Could (Get You Banned)

It’s hard to believe that a tiny pin could cause such a massive fallout. You’d think it was made of plutonium, not rainbow enamel. Delta flight attendant Mark McAllister sported the Pride pin while handing out pretzels and passive-aggressively judging passengers who use the call button too much.

Fischer, in a moment of what he calls “satirical brilliance,” posted a photo of McAllister and made a joke about the flight attendant’s perceived sexual orientation. Delta Air Lines wasn’t amused.

“We’ve had passengers sneak in emotional support peacocks, but a comedian with a mean tweet? That’s where we draw the line,” said Delta spokesperson Karen Flyswell.

From Frequent Flyer to Persona Non Grata

Once a loyal Delta customer, Fischer’s journey with the airline has officially hit a permanent layover. Delta cited Fischer’s “vulgar and hurtful remarks” as the reason for the lifetime ban.

“We have a zero-tolerance policy for intolerance,” Flyswell explained, “which makes sense if you don’t think about it too hard.”

Fischer, however, sees the ban as an opportunity. “At least now I’m safe from those in-flight safety videos that make me feel like I’m not buckling my seatbelt properly,” he said.

A Comedian’s Grounding: A Tragedy in Three Acts

Act One: Fischer boards a Delta flight, sees a Pride pin, and makes a snarky joke online.

Act Two: Delta responds with all the fury of a TSA agent discovering too much liquid in a carry-on.

Act Three: Fischer is permanently banned, forced to book his next gig in Omaha via the scenic Megabus route.

According to Fischer, “Being on a no-fly list is like being ghosted by an entire airline. I keep sending Delta ‘You up?’ texts and getting nothing back.”

Freedom of Speech vs. Freedom to Not Get Kicked Off a Plane

Fischer’s ban has ignited debates about free speech, corporate policies, and whether pretzels really qualify as an in-flight snack. Some argue that Delta’s decision is an infringement on freedom of speech.

“This is a violation of my First Amendment rights,” Fischer shouted from the sidewalk outside Delta headquarters, confusing basic civics with airline policy.

In response, Delta’s legal team released a statement: “The First Amendment protects you from the government, not from us deciding that we’re tired of your nonsense.”

Twitter: The Real-Life Flight Risk

This incident serves as a cautionary tale for anyone who thinks Twitter is a safe place for free speech. Fischer’s experience proves that, in the age of social media, your tweets can have real-life consequences.

Delta’s stance is clear: “If you want to make jokes about our staff, fine. But you’d better be prepared to hitchhike to your next gig,” Flyswell explained.

Fischer has since learned an important lesson: “When you tweet about Delta, you’re not just tweeting into the void—you’re tweeting into the abyss where your travel privileges go to die.”

The Trickle-Down Effect of Airline Bans

As Fischer’s ban made headlines, other airlines took notice. American Airlines, Southwest, and even Spirit Airlines (the Greyhound of the skies) have reportedly added him to their internal “Comedians to Watch Out For” lists.

“I’m banned from Delta, and Spirit won’t even let me near the airport! You know you’ve messed up when even Spirit thinks you’re too risky,” Fischer lamented.

In an attempt to be proactive, Fischer tweeted an apology—in iambic pentameter—but it’s unclear if poetry is the best path to redemption.

Fischer’s Last Hope: The Discount Airlines

Fischer has been spotted trying to sweet-talk his way onto discount airlines like Frontier. “Their boarding process is like Black Friday at Walmart,” he said, “but at this point, I’ll take it.”

He’s also looking into alternative modes of transportation. “I hear there’s a guy in New Jersey who runs an underground Uber for banned comedians,” he quipped.

The “No-Fly List Tour” Kicks Off

Fischer’s latest comedy tour, titled the “No-Fly List Tour,” has officially begun. Venues include train stations, bus terminals, and a surprisingly well-attended gig at a rest stop off I-95.

“People keep asking me if I’m afraid of flying. No, I’m afraid of being stuck in a 14-hour layover with nothing but overpriced trail mix and an airport bar that closes at 8 PM,” Fischer said.

Despite the inconvenience, Fischer is making the best of his situation. “I’m thinking of writing a children’s book called, ‘The Comedian Who Couldn’t Fly,’” he joked. “It’s a heartwarming tale about a guy who learns to ride the rails like a hobo from the 1930s.”

Public Reaction: A Divided Sky

The public’s response to Fischer’s ban has been polarized. Some applaud Delta for upholding their inclusivity values, while others see it as an overreach.

“If we banned everyone who made a bad joke, comedy clubs would be emptier than a middle seat on Spirit,” said fellow comedian Rachel Sennott.

Meanwhile, Twitter users have weighed in with all the nuance of a middle-school cafeteria brawl.

“Delta: Where the peanuts are stale, but the policies are fresh!” tweeted user @AirlineAvenger.

Late-Night Comedians Weigh In

Late-night comedians have also taken the opportunity to poke fun at the situation.

“Imagine getting banned from Delta. That’s like getting kicked out of a library for whispering too loud,” joked Ilana Glazer.

“Fischer got grounded, and now he’s just waiting for someone to tell him he’s allowed to go back outside again,” said Marcella Arguello.

More Jokes…

• “Delta banned Fischer for a joke? I didn’t know they had a ‘no humor’ policy. Makes sense now that I think about their in-flight entertainment.” — Hannah Berner

• “Delta’s inclusivity stops at the gate. You can’t be inclusive and ban a comedian for being, well, a comedian.” — Lauren Pattison

• “Getting banned from Delta? I’d understand if Fischer tried to bring more than three ounces of comedy on board.” — Taylor Tomlinson

• “Delta banned him? Honestly, that’s just saving him from $20 sandwiches and middle seats next to emotional support parrots.” — Ilana Glazer

• “You know you’ve crossed a line when an airline that charges $50 for a checked bag decides you’ve gone too far.” — Rose Matafeo

• “Getting banned for a joke is like being told by the TSA your sense of humor is a security threat.” — Rachel Sennott

• “Delta says they support free speech as long as it doesn’t offend anyone. So basically, they support knock-knock jokes.” — Zainab Johnson

• “Delta has no-fly lists for terrorists and comedians now? Pretty soon they’re going to have a no-fly list for people who clap when the plane lands.” — Amy Gledhill

• “Imagine getting banned for telling jokes. I guess Delta prefers a cabin full of crying babies and bad Wi-Fi over laughter.” — Marcella Arguello

What Does This Mean for Comedy?

Fischer’s case raises important questions about the future of comedy. Is it possible to be funny without crossing lines? Can jokes exist in a world where companies take hard stances on inclusivity?

“Look, I’m not saying comedians should have a free pass,” Fischer said. “I’m just saying, if I’m going to be banned from Delta, I should at least get a voucher for a free drink—preferably something stronger than those tiny airplane bottles.”

The Airline Industry Responds

Airlines are reportedly considering a new policy called “Comedic Compliance,” in which all comedians must submit their jokes for approval before boarding.

“We’ll allow jokes about the TSA, but any jokes about in-flight snacks, seat sizes, or the inevitable crying baby are strictly prohibited,” said Flyswell.

Fischer’s fans have already started a petition demanding that Delta issue a public apology and allow him to fly again, provided he sits in the middle seat as punishment.

A Cautionary Tale for Twitter Users

Let Fischer’s tale be a warning: The next time you think about tweeting something snarky about your flight, remember that the friendly skies are only friendly until they aren’t.

“I’ve learned my lesson,” Fischer admitted. “Next time, I’ll just keep my jokes to myself. Or maybe I’ll write them on the back of those tiny napkins they give you with your drink.”

The Road Ahead (And Only the Road)

For now, Fischer will continue his tour across America’s highways, collecting travel stories that don’t involve airplanes.

“I’m starting to think flying is overrated anyway,” Fischer said. “After all, when you’re on the ground, nobody can ban you from the sidewalk.”

Observations:

1. The No-Fly Comedy Tour: Fischer’s lifetime ban from Delta has inadvertently provided him with fresh material, leading to his aptly named “No Fly List” comedy tour.

2. Airline Fashion Police: Delta’s strict uniform policies now seemingly extend to passengers’ social media posts.

3. Pride Pin Predicament: A small accessory has sparked a large controversy, highlighting the power of tiny symbols.

4. Social Media Turbulence: One tweet has grounded a comedian, proving that online turbulence can lead to real-world consequences.

5. Freedom of Speech Layover: The incident raises questions about where free speech ends and corporate policies begin.

6. Inflight Entertainment Irony: Fischer’s jokes about airlines have now become his personal no-fly entertainment.

7. Pride and Prejudice at 30,000 Feet: A modern tale of how personal beliefs clash with corporate inclusivity initiatives.

8. Comedic No-Fly Zone: Fischer has discovered that not all topics are safe for comedic airspace.

9. The Pin That Poked the Bear: A simple pride pin has led to a complex debate on expression and tolerance.

10. From First Class to No Class: Fischer’s downgrade from frequent flyer to persona non grata happened faster than a flight delay.

11. Jokes That Don’t Land: This incident exemplifies how some jokes can miss the runway entirely.

12. Airline’s Stand-Up Stand-Off: Delta’s response indicates they’re not amused by stand-up routines that target their staff.

13. Mile-High Morality: The skies are no longer neutral territory in the battle over social values.

14. Tweeting on a Wing and a Prayer: Fischer’s experience serves as a cautionary tale about the perils of tweeting without a filter.

15. The Ultimate Flight Risk: For comedians, the real flight risk now includes being banned from airlines.

Disclaimer:

This satirical piece is a collaborative effort between a cowboy and a farmer, aiming to shed light on the complexities of free speech, corporate policies, and the evolving landscape of humor. Any resemblance to real events or individuals is purely coincidental, and no artificial intelligence was involved in the creation of this content.

The post Tyler Fischer vs. Woke Delta appeared first on Bohiney News.

Lazarus Group Hack Feeds North Korea: From Grass to Gourmet in a Day!

How $1.6 Billion in Crypto Turned North Korean Dining into a 3-Star Michelin Experience

Following the now-legendary Lazarus Group hack of $1.6 billion, the culinary scene in North Korea has undergone an incredible transformation. Once known for its people surviving on grass and tree bark, the Hermit Kingdom is now on a gastronomic journey that would make even the most exclusive Manhattan restaurants look like glorified food trucks.

“North Korea went from eating grass to eating grass-fed beef, and honestly, that’s the most impressive glow-up I’ve ever seen.” – Taylor Tomlinson

From Grassroots Dining to Gourmet Feasting

For decades, North Koreans have faced severe food shortages, often resorting to eating grass and foraging for whatever scraps they could find. However, thanks to the Lazarus Group’s latest crypto heist, the average North Korean dinner table has gone from grass-fed to foie gras.

One eyewitness described the newfound abundance in Pyongyang’s central market:
“I haven’t seen this much food since my cousin accidentally won a rice lottery.”

With the sudden influx of funds, the North Korean government has invested heavily in food imports. Caviar, truffles, and Wagyu beef have all made their debut in local markets, bringing a whole new meaning to “redistribution of wealth.”

“Crypto security is like a piñata to North Korean hackers. Just hit it hard enough, and all the money falls out.” – Jimmy Fallon

The Lazarus Group: Turning Hackers into Heroes

Previously considered shadowy cybercriminals, the Lazarus Group is now being hailed as national heroes in North Korea. Billboards across Pyongyang read, “Hackers of the Revolution,” showcasing the group as the new saviors of the people.

Comedian Ilana Glazer joked:
“Only in North Korea can you go from ‘enemy of the state’ to ‘hero of the people’ just by stealing enough money.”

While the rest of the world is up in arms over the brazen theft, North Koreans are busy debating whether the lobster bisque or the saffron risotto is the best new addition to the national diet.

In North Korea, they say, “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.” Apparently, everyone needs a bowl of grass. — Alan Nafzger

Restaurants in Pyongyang: A New Golden Age

Previously, dining out in Pyongyang meant choosing between plain rice or boiled potatoes. Today, however, high-end restaurants are popping up across the city, serving dishes like prime rib, sushi, and crème brûlée.

Local chef Kim Sung-Jin stated:
“Thanks to our glorious leadership and an unexpected windfall from the cyber realm, I now serve dishes I only read about in smuggled cookbooks.”

Even ordinary citizens are being treated to fancy meals, with government canteens serving dishes like duck confit and aged cheeses that are more common in Parisian bistros than Pyongyang cafeterias.

Comedian Taylor Tomlinson remarked:
“It’s like they went from eating grass to grass-fed beef overnight.”

Lazarus Group: North Korea’s Most Successful Export

Forget coal or textiles—the country’s most valuable export is now cybercrime. The Lazarus Group’s latest heist has proven more lucrative than any state-run industry.

Late-night host Jimmy Fallon joked:
“North Korea hacked enough money to turn a food shortage into a food coma.”

While other nations grapple with economic uncertainty, North Korea has managed to turn internet piracy into a state-sponsored culinary arts program.

The Dark Side of Dining Well

As North Koreans feast on imported delicacies, the international community struggles to track down the stolen funds. Blockchain analysts have compared following the hacked funds to chasing a ghost through a maze.

Expert ZachXBT explained, “The funds were funneled through a series of transactions more complicated than a soap opera plotline.”

Comedian Marcella Arguello observed:
“If they put this much effort into cooking, they’d be on the cover of Bon Appétit.”

Grocery Stores and Markets Overflowing

Pyongyang’s grocery stores are now overflowing with exotic produce, rare spices, and freshly imported meats. Market vendors offer goods like oysters and French cheeses alongside more traditional fare.

One shopper said, “I just came here for rice, and I left with a six-course tasting menu.”

North Korea’s New Tourism Slogan: Come for the Dictatorship, Stay for the Fine Dining

With the newfound culinary abundance, the government has launched a tourism campaign showcasing the country’s burgeoning food scene.

Comedian Hannah Berner joked:
“Welcome to North Korea—where you can eat like a king, as long as you don’t mind being ruled by one.”

Bybit’s Response: It’s Only Money

After losing $1.6 billion, Bybit reassured its users that all funds were 1:1 backed, though they didn’t specify how long they planned to keep those funds safe.

CEO Ben Zhou stated, “Yes, we lost a huge sum of money, but our users are still whole—at least in spirit.”

Comedian Sarah Silverman quipped:
“That’s like a restaurant saying, ‘We burned your meal, but we still have a picture of it.’”

A Nation United by Cuisine

For the first time in decades, North Koreans from all walks of life are united by one common interest: food. Whether it’s government officials dining on filet mignon or factory workers eating pasta carbonara, the culinary gap has closed.

Comedian Trevor Noah remarked:
“It’s like Robin Hood, but instead of giving to the poor, they’re giving everyone a taste of the good life.”

Crypto Exchanges Beware

As Lazarus Group’s success continues to grow, other crypto exchanges are tightening security measures. But if history has shown us anything, it’s that a determined North Korean hacker is scarier than any two-factor authentication system.

Blockchain expert Lana Chen stated, “The only real way to stop these hacks is to turn off the internet. But we know that’s not going to happen.”

Fine Dining Won’t Last Forever

While the current culinary boom is a welcome change for North Koreans, some analysts believe it will be short-lived.

Comedian Amy Gledhill remarked:
“Sure, they’re eating truffles today, but next week it’ll be grass and bark tartare again.”

Regardless of how long the feast lasts, one thing is clear: the Lazarus Group’s $1.6 billion hack has given North Korea a rare taste of prosperity, however fleeting it may be.

Under socialism, everyone is equal—equally hungry, equally cold, and equally wondering if tree bark is a good source of protein. — Alan Nafzger

What the Funny People Are Saying About the Lazarus Group…

• “Only in North Korea can a hacker go from ‘enemy of the state’ to ‘employee of the month’ in one heist.” – John Oliver

• “They went from boiling bark soup to sipping lobster bisque. It’s like they skipped the starter and went straight to the main course of capitalism.” – Sarah Silverman

• “North Korea stole enough crypto to turn a food shortage into a food coma. Next, they’ll hack Michelin stars.” – Trevor Noah

• “They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a $1.6 billion steak dinner, which is close enough.” – Ilana Glazer

• “North Korea’s chefs went from reading ‘Cooking for Dummies’ to ‘The French Laundry Cookbook’ overnight.” – Hannah Berner

• “This whole thing is like Robin Hood, if Robin Hood had a VPN and zero morals.” – Irene Tu

• “Crypto bros say ‘decentralize everything,’ and North Korea’s like, ‘Sure, we’ll decentralize your bank account into our wallets.’” – John Oliver

• “North Korea went from eating grass to eating filet mignon overnight. It’s like the culinary version of winning the lottery.” – Taylor Tomlinson

• “Stealing $1.6 billion in crypto? That’s not a heist, that’s a new budget proposal for North Korea.” – Sarah Silverman

• “North Korea’s hackers are the only ones who can say, ‘We stole so much money, we can finally afford to not eat grass.’” – Marcella Arguello

• “It’s like North Korea decided that their biggest export should be other people’s money.” – Trevor Noah

• “North Korea pulled off the biggest crypto heist in history, and all I can think is: they have better WiFi than me.” – Hannah Berner

• “When Bybit said they were ‘1:1 backed,’ they meant one hacker to one vault apparently.” – Ilana Glazer

• “It’s like Robin Hood, but instead of robbing the rich to give to the poor, it’s robbing crypto bros to buy caviar.” – Amy Gledhill

• “North Korea’s hacking team is like Ocean’s Eleven, except there’s only one guy and he’s sitting in the dark with a laptop.” – Irene Tu

Lazarus Group, North Korea and People Eating Grass

• North Korea’s version of a farm-to-table movement is literally eating whatever you can find on the ground.

• North Korean restaurants offer a five-star dining experience: Five stars for the grass, zero stars for everything else.

• It’s not socialism unless your main dish is a side effect of lawn care.

• In North Korea, “going green” means you’re either an environmentalist or just really hungry.

• They say socialism means sharing everything equally. In North Korea, that includes sharing the last leaf you found with the whole village.

• North Korean menu specials: Grass stew, bark tartare, and the Chef’s special, Air Sandwich.

• In North Korea, if you want a salad, just step outside and start grazing.

• The true meaning of socialism is never having to worry about losing weight because hunger is built into the system.

• North Koreans have perfected farm-to-table cuisine… the farm is the entire country, and the table is an empty plate.

• In North Korea, they’ve solved the food waste problem. There’s no food, so there’s nothing to waste!

• Under socialism, if you see someone eating a hamburger, it’s either a mirage or a government official.

• They say socialism provides for everyone. In North Korea, it provides an all-you-can-eat buffet of desperation and clover.

• In North Korea, the government promises bread and rice, but what you get is grass and a firm handshake.

The post Lazarus Group Hack Feeds North Korea appeared first on Bohiney News.

Lazarus Group Upgrades to “Grand Theft Crypto” After Bybit and Phemex Heist

North Korea’s National Budget Now Sponsored by Ethereum and Bad Passwords

In what can only be described as the financial equivalent of an international smash-and-grab, North Korea’s elite cyber-thieving squad, the Lazarus Group, has once again solidified its place as the Bitcoin Bandits of the modern era. Reports confirm that the shadowy hacking collective just orchestrated a record-breaking $1.4 billion theft from cryptocurrency exchange Bybit, leaving crypto bros and exchange CEOs wondering if the real security vulnerability was the friends we made along the way.

Crypto Exchanges: The New ATM for Hackers

The Lazarus Group, which has been linked to multiple high-profile cyber heists over the years, apparently decided that swiping a few million here and there just wasn’t enough. Instead, they opted to take enough digital cash to fund North Korea’s missile program, Supreme Leader’s luxury watch collection, and possibly even a theme park dedicated to the glories of state-run cybercrime.

Comedian John Oliver noted in a recent segment:
“This is how bad the economy is—North Korea doesn’t even try to make money anymore. They just take it. At this point, even bank robbers are like, ‘Damn, that’s a lot of money.’”

To add insult to financial injury, Lazarus Group also linked their Bybit hack funds with another recent $29 million heist from the crypto exchange Phemex, effectively making them the first cybercriminals to engage in dollar-cost averaging.

Bybit’s Statement: “Everything’s Fine, Probably”

After the news broke, Bybit CEO Ben Zhou did his best impression of the “This is Fine” meme, reassuring customers that their funds were still “1:1 backed” despite the largest digital bank heist in history.

“Solvency isn’t a problem,” Zhou stated confidently. “Sure, we lost $1.4 billion, but that’s just Tuesday in crypto.”

Late-night host Stephen Colbert quipped:
“Bybit losing $1.4 billion is like the Titanic saying, ‘Hey, the ship is mostly still above water.’”

Despite the staggering loss, Bybit remains operational, proving once again that the crypto industry’s true innovation isn’t blockchain—it’s unwavering optimism in the face of catastrophic incompetence.

North Korea: The Only Country That Exports Hacking

International intelligence agencies have long suspected that North Korea’s cyber warfare division is its most successful government program since mandatory haircut laws. Analysts believe that these stolen funds are likely to go toward the development of nuclear weapons, military expansion, and possibly even a North Korean version of TikTok—where users are only allowed to post state-approved dances.

Comedian Trevor Noah remarked:
“North Korea stealing billions in crypto makes perfect sense. They can’t even afford electricity for their citizens, but their hackers are out here running up the scoreboard.”

Phemex Hack: Lazarus Group’s Warm-Up Act

Before Bybit’s financial disaster, Lazarus Group tested their skills on Phemex, stealing a mere $29 million—an amount that now feels like pocket change compared to their larger heist. The two hacks were linked by blockchain analysts, proving that even in cybercrime, consistency is key.

Security expert ZachXBT explained, “Lazarus Group just connected the Bybit hack to the Phemex hack directly on-chain, commingling funds from the initial theft address for both incidents.” In non-hacker terms, this is like robbing a bank, then immediately depositing the stolen money into a checking account under your own name.

Comedian Hannah Berner joked:
“If I stole $1.4 billion in crypto, the first thing I’d do is buy some WiFi strong enough to actually cash it out.”

How Do They Keep Getting Away With It?

Despite a history of cyber heists, Lazarus Group continues to slip through international security nets like a teenager using their mom’s credit card on Roblox. The UN has condemned North Korea’s cyber activities, but let’s be real—North Korea has ignored UN sanctions more times than your roommate has ignored the dishes in the sink.

Blockchain experts believe that tracking these stolen funds is a bit like trying to follow a toddler who’s just had their first sip of espresso. Once the crypto is stolen, it gets laundered through a series of complicated transactions that eventually result in it being cashed out through dubious financial institutions. At this point, trying to recover stolen funds in crypto is like trying to find a missing sock in a washing machine—technically possible, but good luck.

Comedian Marcella Arguello observed:
“If North Korea is this good at hacking, they should stop stealing money and start making cyber security software. They’d make even more money—legally!”

Crypto’s Future: More Hacks, More Regulations, and More People Pretending to Understand Web3

As hacks become more sophisticated, the cryptocurrency industry faces increasing scrutiny from regulators. Governments worldwide are struggling to keep up with the rapidly evolving world of digital assets, and frankly, it’s not going well. The SEC still thinks Dogecoin is an experimental drug, and most policymakers get their Bitcoin knowledge from their 13-year-old nephews.

The crypto community remains split—some argue for increased regulations, while others maintain that decentralization is the way forward, even if it means occasionally donating their life savings to anonymous hackers in Pyongyang.

Comedian Irene Tu summed it up:
“Crypto bros are always like, ‘The government can’t take my money!’ And then North Korea is like, ‘Okay, we will instead.’”

Meanwhile, Lazarus Group Plans Its Next Big Heist

With their recent success, Lazarus Group is already looking for their next target. Potential options include hacking the Federal Reserve, stealing Mark Zuckerberg’s data (again), or simply redirecting the entire global supply of NFTs into one giant JPEG folder labeled “LOL.”

One thing is certain—until cryptocurrency exchanges start treating security with the same seriousness as their influencer marketing campaigns, we can expect more headlines like this. And North Korea? Well, they’ll keep proving that in the digital age, you don’t need an economy—you just need WiFi and a working knowledge of how to steal Bitcoin.

Comedian Taylor Tomlinson closed it out:
“At this point, if you have a crypto wallet, you might as well just give Lazarus Group your password and save them the trouble.”

Lazarus Group Observations:

1. North Korea’s New Economic Plan: Crypto Heists

   Who needs traditional exports when you can just hack your way to a booming economy? Forget coal and textiles; North Korea’s GDP is now backed by Bitcoin and Ethereum.

2. Lazarus Group: The Overachieving Cybercriminals

   While most hackers are content with a few million, Lazarus Group decided to aim for the stars—$1.4 billion, to be exact. Talk about setting ambitious New Year’s resolutions!

3. Bybit’s Security: As Strong as a Screen Door on a Submarine

   Bybit assured users that their funds were safe, right up until $1.4 billion vanished. It’s like saying the Titanic was unsinkable.

4. Phemex Hack: Lazarus Group’s Warm-Up Act

   The $29 million Phemex hack was just a practice run for Lazarus Group. They probably used it to iron out the kinks before the main event.

5. Blockchain: Transparent Yet So Easily Duped

   Blockchain technology is praised for its transparency, yet hackers seem to navigate it like ninjas in the night. It’s like having a glass safe that everyone can see into but no one can protect.

6. Crypto Exchanges: The Digital Wild West

   With heists like these, crypto exchanges are starting to resemble old-timey banks in Western movies—ripe for the robbing.

7. Lazarus Group’s Resume: From Cyber Espionage to Grand Larceny

   These guys have range. One day they’re hacking Sony, the next they’re looting crypto exchanges. Talk about versatile skill sets!

8. Bybit’s Response: “All Other Wallets Are Safe”

   After losing $1.4 billion, Bybit reassured users that all other wallets are secure. That’s like a bank saying, “We were robbed, but don’t worry, your safe deposit box is fine.”

9. North Korea’s National Budget: Sponsored by Cryptocurrency

   At this rate, North Korea won’t need international aid; they’ll just fund their entire budget through crypto hacks.

10. The Irony of “Cold” Wallets Being Hot Targets

    Cold wallets are supposed to be offline and secure, yet they seem to be the hottest targets for hackers. It’s like keeping your valuables in a vault that has a revolving door.

The post Inside the Lazarus Group appeared first on Bohiney News.

Trump’s DOGE Dividend Plan: A New Era of Government ‘Efficiency’

A $5,000 Surprise: The DOGE Dividend Arrival

Imagine this: You’re sifting through your usual pile of bills, coupons, and the occasional “final notice” from your local gym when suddenly, a crisp $5,000 check from the government appears in your mailbox. But this isn’t your average tax refund—this windfall comes courtesy of Elon Musk’s newly minted Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE. Yes, the same Elon Musk who shoots rockets into space, builds electric cars, and occasionally tweets market-shattering memes now wants to manage your finances.

“It’s like finding out your toaster can also make coffee—exciting, but slightly suspicious,” remarked one skeptical taxpayer.

From SpaceX to Tax Checks

Elon Musk, the man behind SpaceX, Tesla, and the dream of colonizing Mars, has now set his sights on the federal budget. His plan? Trim government waste and hand the savings directly to taxpayers in the form of the DOGE Dividend. It’s as if Tony Stark decided to moonlight as your accountant.

“With this initiative, we aim to cut unnecessary expenses and deliver the savings directly to the American people,” Musk said at a press conference. “It’s like discovering your Roomba not only cleans your house but also files your taxes.”

One Washington insider quipped, “I’m not sure if Musk is trying to fix the economy or just make it more fun.”

Government Efficiency: An Oxymoron?

The term “Department of Government Efficiency” sounds like the punchline of a late-night comedy monologue. Historically, government efficiency has been about as elusive as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. But Musk insists that his new department can defy the odds.

“Think of it like the Department of Jumbo Shrimp or the Bureau of Honest Politicians,” joked comedian Jimmy Kimmel. “It’s funny until you realize it’s real.”

Some analysts remain skeptical, wondering if this initiative is simply a rebranded “War on Waste” with a shiny new name. “We’ve seen government efficiency plans come and go,” said veteran bureaucrat Margaret Trundle. “They usually work about as well as a chocolate teapot.”

Inflation’s New Best Friend

Handing out $5,000 checks to every taxpayer might seem like a generous move, but economists warn that it could be like throwing gasoline on the inflation fire. Remember the stimulus checks from the pandemic era? They were meant to boost the economy, but they also boosted the price of everything from milk to used cars.

“Giving everyone $5,000 is great,” said economist Dr. Hugh Gonne, “until a loaf of bread costs $500. It’s the economic equivalent of eating ice cream for dinner every night.”

One market analyst quipped, “If you thought the Beanie Baby craze was wild, just wait until Americans get $5,000 to burn.”

The Rich Get Richer, the Poor Get… Nothing?

Here’s the kicker: To prevent inflation, the DOGE Dividend would exclude lower earners. So, if you’re already doing well financially, congratulations—you get a bonus. If you’re struggling, well, better luck next time.

“It’s like Oprah saying, ‘You get a car! You get a car! Oh, not you… you can’t afford the gas,’” said comedian Sarah Silverman.

Critics have slammed the plan for being elitist, arguing that it’s essentially a tax break disguised as a populist payout. “It’s a bit like getting an upgrade to first class while everyone else is stuck in coach eating stale peanuts,” said policy analyst Jane Humble.

Musk’s Next Venture: The Federal Reserve

With Musk now dabbling in government savings, some can’t help but wonder what’s next. Will he take over the Federal Reserve and introduce a new cryptocurrency called “ElonCoin”? Or perhaps he’ll merge SpaceX with the Postal Service to ensure your mail arrives via rocket?

“I’d love to see my Amazon package dropped from orbit,” said one enthusiastic taxpayer. “Nothing says ‘efficiency’ like 3,000 miles per hour delivery.”

“It’s like if Willy Wonka took over the Treasury,” joked comedian John Oliver. “You’re not sure if it’s genius or just dangerously irresponsible.”

From Layoffs to Payouts

In a plot twist worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster, the funds for these generous dividends come from laying off thousands of federal workers. It’s the ultimate corporate restructuring move—fire half the office and give the savings to the remaining employees. The only difference? The “employees” in this case are every taxpayer who makes over a certain amount.

“I was a government employee for 20 years, and my reward is getting laid off so Elon Musk can send Chad in accounting a $5,000 bonus?!” complained one anonymous federal worker.

A New Definition of ‘Dividend’

Traditionally, a dividend comes from business profits. But in this case, the “DOGE Dividend” is more like a refund for excessive government spending—like returning that ugly Christmas sweater your aunt gave you and using the cash for something useful, like a 12-pack of high-end sparkling water.

“It’s basically the government saying, ‘Hey, we found some money under the couch cushions—here, take some,’” explained one financial expert.

The ‘Report Your Neighbor’ IncentivePart of the plan involves incentivizing everyday citizens to report government waste. If you snitch on a bloated department, you could get a cut of the savings. This feels eerily similar to a reality TV show—something like “Survivor: Bureaucracy Edition.”

Picture Karen from HR whispering into a hotline, “I just saw the Department of Redundancy Department order their third round of ergonomic chairs… you might want to check that out.”

Checks Signed by Trump and Musk

Each DOGE Dividend check is rumored to be signed by both Donald Trump and Elon Musk, making it a collector’s item right out of the gate. It’s like getting an autograph from Batman and the Joker—exciting, but also slightly unsettling.

“I’m framing mine instead of cashing it,” said one recipient. “This belongs in the Smithsonian, right next to the Declaration of Independence.”

The $2 Trillion Question

The goal of the plan is to slash $2 trillion from government spending. That’s right—$2 trillion, with a “T.” This is an ambitious goal, akin to deciding to lose 200 pounds by next Tuesday.

“Even if they manage to save that much, Congress will probably find a way to burn through the savings before taxpayers see a dime,” said one skeptic. “Congress has never met a dollar it didn’t want to spend twice.”

Stimulus Déjà Vu

Remember the pandemic-era stimulus checks? They were meant to boost the economy, but instead, we ended up with people hoarding toilet paper and buying PS5s on eBay for three times the retail price. If history is any guide, this dividend will lead to a nationwide rush on ridiculous splurges.

“If you thought the Beanie Baby craze was wild, wait until Americans get $5,000 to burn,” joked financial expert Dave Ramsey.

The DOGE Dividend Dance

The rollout of this plan is already being compared to the launch of a new iPhone—lots of hype, long lines, and inevitable disappointment for those who don’t qualify.

“If you’re planning your entire financial future around a DOGE Dividend check,” financial guru Dave Ramsey remarked, “you might as well plan to retire on Monopoly money.”

Government Savings or Magic Tricks?

The government claims it will save billions through efficiency cuts, but many are skeptical. It’s like when your uncle insists he can cut household expenses by canceling Netflix but still spends $300 a week on artisanal coffee beans.

“I’ve seen government budgets,” said veteran bureaucrat Margaret Trundle. “They could find a way to spend money inside an empty vault.”

The Ultimate Reality Show

Trump and Musk teaming up to send Americans money feels like the plot of a new reality show: “The Apprentice: Government Edition.” Each week, contestants (a.k.a. federal employees) compete to prove their job is worth keeping. The losers? Well, their departments get cut, and their salaries get turned into dividends.

“If you thought Shark Tank was cutthroat, just wait until Musk and Trump start evaluating the Department of Agriculture,” quipped political analyst Chuck Druthers.

DOGE Dividend Plan: Helpful Content

For those looking to maximize their DOGE Dividend, financial experts recommend resisting the urge to spend it all on luxury items like limited-edition NFTs or a new fleet of designer Crocs. Instead, consider investing in something practical, like gold bars, a doomsday bunker, or enough canned goods to last through the next government efficiency plan.

One economist advised, “Think of this dividend as found money—use it wisely, or you might end up like the guy who spent his entire inheritance on a lifetime supply of gummy bears.”

Disclaimer

This article is a satirical collaboration between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. Any resemblance to real government policies, fiscal plans, or absurdities is entirely intentional. No bureaucrats were harmed in the making of this satire—though some may have experienced existential crises upon reading it.

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Satirical Take on the Top 10 Observations

1. The $5,000 Surprise

Imagine this: You’re sifting through your usual pile of bills and junk mail, when suddenly, a $5,000 check from the government appears. It’s like discovering your old high school mixtape went platinum overnight. But before you start planning that trip to the Bahamas, remember—this windfall comes from the newly minted Department of Government Efficiency, or as the cool kids call it, DOGE. Yes, the same Elon Musk who wants to colonize Mars now wants to colonize your bank account.

2. From SpaceX to Tax Checks

Elon Musk, the man behind SpaceX and Tesla, has now turned his attention to the federal budget. It’s as if Tony Stark decided to moonlight as your accountant. Musk’s plan? Trim the fat from government spending and hand the savings directly to you. It’s like finding out your Roomba not only cleans your house but also does your taxes.

3. Government Efficiency—An Oxymoron?

The term “Department of Government Efficiency” sounds like something straight out of a satirical novel. It’s akin to establishing a “Department of Jumbo Shrimp” or a “Bureau of Honest Politicians.” Historically, government efficiency has been as elusive as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. But hey, if anyone can defy the odds, it’s the guy who put a car in space.

4. Inflation’s New Best Friend

Handing out $5,000 checks to every taxpayer might seem like a generous move, but economists warn it could be like throwing gasoline on the inflation fire. Remember the stimulus checks from the pandemic era? They were meant to boost the economy, but some argue they also boosted the price of everything from milk to used cars. As one economist put it, “Giving everyone $5,000 is great, until a loaf of bread costs $500.”

5. The Rich Get Richer, the Poor Get… Nothing?

Here’s the kicker: To prevent inflation, the DOGE dividend would exclude lower earners. So, if you’re already doing well financially, congratulations—you get a bonus. If you’re struggling, well, better luck next time. It’s like Oprah saying, “You get a car! You get a car! Oh, not you… you can’t afford the gas.”

6. Musk’s Next Venture: The Federal Reserve

With Musk now dabbling in government savings, one can’t help but wonder what’s next. Will he take over the Federal Reserve and introduce a new cryptocurrency called “ElonCoin”? Or perhaps he’ll merge SpaceX with the Postal Service to ensure your mail arrives via rocket. The possibilities are as endless as his Twitter feed.

7. From Layoffs to Payouts

In a plot twist worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster, the funds for these generous dividends come from laying off thousands of federal workers. It’s the ultimate corporate restructuring move—fire half the office and give the savings to the remaining employees. The only difference? The “employees” in this case are every taxpayer who makes over a certain amount. One anonymous federal worker summed it up: “I was a government employee for 20 years, and my reward is getting laid off so Elon Musk can send Chad in accounting a $5,000 bonus?!”

8. A New Definition of ‘Dividend’

Traditionally, a dividend comes from business profits. But in this case, the “DOGE Dividend” is more like a refund for excessive government spending—like returning that ugly Christmas sweater your aunt gave you and using the cash for something useful, like a 12-pack of high-end sparkling water. One financial expert explained: “It’s basically the government saying, ‘Hey, we found some money under the couch cushions—here, take some.’”

9. The ‘Report Your Neighbor’ Incentive

Part of the plan involves incentivizing everyday citizens to report government waste. If you snitch on a bloated department, you could get a cut of the savings. This feels eerily similar to a reality TV show, something like “Survivor: Bureaucracy Edition.” Picture Karen from HR whispering into a hotline, “I just saw the Department of Redundancy Department order their third round of ergonomic chairs… you might want to check that out.”

10. Checks Signed by Trump and Musk

Each check is rumored to be signed by both Donald Trump and Elon Musk, making it a collector’s item right out of the gate. It’s like getting an autograph from Batman and the Joker—exciting, but also slightly unsettling. Some recipients are already planning to frame their checks instead of cashing them, saying things like, “This belongs in the Smithsonian right next to the Declaration of Independence.”

11. The $2 Trillion Question

The goal of the plan is to slash $2 trillion from government spending. That’s right—$2 trillion, with a “T.” This is an ambitious goal, akin to deciding to lose 200 pounds by next Tuesday. Critics argue that even if the cuts work, politicians will find new ways to burn through the savings before taxpayers see a dime. As one skeptic put it, “Congress has never met a dollar it didn’t want to spend twice.”

12. Stimulus Déjà Vu

Remember the pandemic-era stimulus checks? They were meant to boost the economy, but instead, we ended up with people hoarding toilet paper and buying PS5s on eBay for three times the retail price. If history is any guide, this dividend will lead to a nationwide rush on ridiculous splurges. One economist joked, “If you thought the Beanie Baby craze was wild, wait until Americans get $5,000 to burn.”

13. The DOGE Dividend Dance

The rollout of this plan is already being compared to the launch of a new iPhone—lots of hype, long lines, and inevitable disappointment for those who don’t qualify. Financial guru Dave Ramsey commented, “If you’re planning your entire financial future around a DOGE Dividend check, you might as well plan to retire on Monopoly money.”

14. Government Savings or Magic Tricks?

The government claims it will save billions through efficiency cuts, but many are skeptical. It’s like when your uncle insists he can cut household expenses by canceling Netflix but still spends $300 a week on artisanal coffee beans. One veteran bureaucrat remarked, “I’ve seen government budgets… they could find a way to spend money inside an empty vault.”

15. The Ultimate Reality Show

Trump and Musk teaming up to send Americans money feels like the plot of a new reality show: “The Apprentice: Government Edition.” Each week, contestants (a.k.a. federal employees) compete to prove their job is worth keeping. The losers? Well, their departments get cut, and their salaries get turned into dividends. One political analyst quipped, “If you thought Shark Tank was cutthroat, just wait until Musk and Trump start evaluating the Department of Agriculture.”

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Disclaimer

This article is a satirical collaboration between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. Any resemblance to real government policies, fiscal plans, or absurdities is entirely intentional. No bureaucrats were harmed in the making of this satire—though some may have experienced existential crises upon reading it.

The post Trump’s DOGE Dividend Plan appeared first on Bohiney News.

The Murdoch Empire: A Family Feud So Big, It’s Now Its Own Media Franchise

Fox News, Family Feuds, and Five Marriages: How Rupert Murdoch’s Empire is Coming Apart at the Seams

Rupert Murdoch’s empire, built on the bedrock of tabloid headlines, right-wing rants, and a perpetual state of outrage, is now facing its most dramatic storyline yet: its own impending collapse. In a saga that could rival Succession but with more lawsuits and fewer Emmy nominations, the Murdoch dynasty finds itself imploding under the weight of power struggles, court battles, and the ever-present shadow of an aging media mogul determined to outlive all his heirs.

Rupert’s Reality Show: The Marital Marathon

Rupert Murdoch has now reached his fifth marriage, because, much like his media outlets, he believes in relentless rebranding. At 93, his dedication to matrimonial mergers is only outpaced by his commitment to media mergers. His most recent wedding featured one notable absentee: most of his children. Lachlan Murdoch, the son now steering the ship into stormy waters, was the only one to attend, presumably to ensure the estate remained in the right hands—or at least, hands that wouldn’t sell Fox News to NPR.

Meanwhile, James Murdoch, the rebellious son, continues his self-imposed exile, issuing scathing critiques about the empire his father built, while simultaneously enjoying the financial windfall it provides. It’s like a vegan who keeps cashing checks from a steakhouse franchise but complains about the smell of burning meat.

Fox News: The Billion-Dollar Litigation Machine

Fox News, the crown jewel of the empire, is both its biggest cash cow and its most lawsuit-prone asset. The network, known for its ability to turn minor political disagreements into doomsday scenarios, recently paid out $787.5 million in a defamation lawsuit over false election claims. That’s nearly enough to buy every American a six-pack of Bud Light—the very product Fox News has convinced its audience is part of a liberal conspiracy.

Fox’s legal troubles don’t end there. More lawsuits loom, proving once again that while the network excels at manufacturing controversy, it struggles with the concept of fact-checking. And yet, despite the legal hemorrhaging, Fox continues to dominate cable news, reinforcing the business model that fear sells—especially when packaged with patriotic graphics and ominous background music.

The Trust Fund Cage Match

The Murdoch family trust, which controls the empire’s vast holdings, has become a battlefield. Rupert, never one to let democracy interfere with dynastic rule, attempted a legal maneuver to solidify Lachlan’s control. A Nevada judge promptly called the move a “charade,” which is legal jargon for “Rupert, you’re not fooling anyone.”

James Murdoch, meanwhile, has been quietly amassing allies in an apparent attempt to mount a corporate coup. His strategy appears to be a combination of moral posturing and strategic patience—two qualities that are typically frowned upon in the Murdoch playbook. While he publicly decries Fox News as a “toxic” force in democracy, he has yet to return his share of the family fortune, suggesting that, much like a long-time smoker, he finds it hard to quit the habit that’s been feeding him for years.

Lachlan Murdoch: The Heir Who Never Smiles

Lachlan, the dutiful son and Rupert’s chosen successor, has embraced his role with the enthusiasm of a man forced to inherit a haunted house. His leadership style can best be described as “Fox News, but make it slightly more Australian.” While he has pledged to uphold his father’s legacy, it remains unclear whether he can steer the empire through the mounting legal, financial, and familial crises.

Lachlan’s challenge is not just to keep the empire profitable but to keep it from eating itself alive. With his siblings circling like political commentators hungry for an on-air meltdown, Lachlan must find a way to prevent the family feud from turning into an all-out media civil war.

The Succession Script That Wrote Itself

If HBO’s Succession was a biting satire of the Murdoch family, reality has since outdone fiction. In a desperate attempt to avoid further life imitating art, the Murdochs reportedly circulated a memo outlining ways to prevent their own drama from mirroring the show. This effort, however, proved as effective as Fox News fact-checking its own pundits.

Rupert himself has downplayed the chaos, insisting that “family harmony” is the priority. That statement holds about as much credibility as a tabloid headline promising weight loss without diet or exercise.

Could the Murdoch Empire Be Up for Sale?

With internal strife, mounting legal woes, and shifting media trends, some analysts speculate that the Murdochs might start selling off pieces of their empire. Given that print newspapers are now mostly used as kindling and cable news is hemorrhaging viewers under the age of 75, it’s not the worst idea.

But who would buy? Amazon’s Jeff Bezos already owns The Washington Post, Elon Musk is too busy turning Twitter into a libertarian fever dream, and Mark Zuckerberg is focused on building the metaverse, where no one will need newspapers because we’ll all be too busy dodging virtual lizard people.

The Final Curtain for the Murdoch Dynasty?

As Rupert Murdoch edges toward centenarian status, the question looms: Can his empire survive without him? Or will it crumble under the weight of family infighting, lawsuits, and the slow death of traditional media?

Regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain—this saga is far from over. The only question is whether the final act will be a triumphant business maneuver or a courtroom drama that makes Law & Order look like a children’s puppet show.

Disclaimer

This article was written by an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. It contains no artificial intelligence, only real, human-crafted sarcasm. Any resemblance to actual media empires currently imploding is purely intentional.

Our Take on the Murdoch Family Drama

The Murdoch Family: Reality TV’s Next Big Hit?

Move over, Kardashians; the Murdochs are here to redefine family dysfunction. In a saga that makes “Succession” look like a children’s bedtime story, the Murdoch clan is embroiled in a power struggle that has all the makings of a primetime hit.

Rupert’s Marital Marathon

At 93, Rupert Murdoch isn’t slowing down—in business or in matrimony. His fifth wedding was a family affair, if by “family affair” you mean only one of his six children showed up. Lachlan Murdoch, the dutiful son and heir apparent, attended the nuptials, perhaps to ensure his place in the will remained unchallenged. The other siblings had prior engagements, possibly involving popcorn and a private screening of “Succession.”

James Murdoch: The Prodigal Son

James Murdoch, the self-proclaimed rebel, has taken a moral high ground so elevated it’s causing altitude sickness. In a candid interview, he labeled his father a misogynist and criticized Fox News as a “toxic” influence on democracy. This from the man who once helmed parts of the empire he’s now denouncing. It’s like the arsonist complaining about the fire department’s response time.

Lachlan Murdoch: The Lone Ranger

Meanwhile, Lachlan Murdoch sits atop the empire, clutching the reins with the determination of a rodeo cowboy on a bull named “Family Trust.” His leadership style has been described as “steady,” which is corporate speak for “let’s not rock the billion-dollar boat.” With Fox News facing lawsuits that could fund a small country’s GDP, Lachlan’s strategy seems to be: deny, deflect, and deposit the checks.

The Trust Fund Tango

The Murdoch family trust, a complex web designed to keep everyone rich and miserable, has become the battleground for this Shakespearean drama. Rupert’s attempt to amend the trust to favor Lachlan was thwarted by a Nevada judge who called the move a “charade.” When a legal maneuver is too shady for Nevada, it’s time to reevaluate your life choices.

Fox News: The Empire’s Double-Edged Sword

Fox News continues to be the family’s golden goose, laying eggs filled with both profits and legal subpoenas. The network’s penchant for blurring the lines between news and fan fiction has resulted in a $787.5 million settlement over defamation claims. It’s a hefty price to pay for creative storytelling.

Project Family Harmony: A Misnomer

Rupert’s initiative, dubbed “Project Family Harmony,” aimed to bring peace to the warring factions. Instead, it has all the harmony of a cat choir at midnight. Legal battles, public spats, and a complete disregard for the concept of “family” suggest that the project’s name was as ill-conceived as the plan itself.

The Future: A Murdoch Yard Sale?

With internal strife reaching soap opera levels, analysts speculate that the Murdochs might start selling off parts of their empire. Interested in a slightly used publishing house? How about a news network with a flair for fiction? Everything must go, including the illusion of family unity.

Conclusion: A Family That Plays Together, Sues Together

The Murdoch saga serves as a reminder that money can’t buy happiness, but it can finance endless litigation. As the family continues to air its dirty laundry in the court of public opinion, one can’t help but wonder: is this the world’s most elaborate reality show audition? If so, they’ve got our vote.

The post The Murdoch Empire appeared first on Bohiney News.

MLB’s Robo-Umpires: The Machines Have Taken Over—And They’re Calling the Game

Baseball Just Got a Firmware Update

For over a century, baseball fans have had one consistent joy: screaming at umpires who may or may not need prescription glasses. But those days may be coming to an end as Major League Baseball (MLB) tests robot umpires during spring training. That’s right—the national pastime is now the latest battleground for artificial intelligence, and soon, arguing with an umpire will be as pointless as yelling at a Roomba.

For purists who believe baseball peaked in 1905 and has been in moral decline ever since, this is just another sign of the apocalypse. First came instant replay, then juiced baseballs, and now umpires who don’t even have the decency to get a call wrong just to make things interesting.

The Automated Ball-Strike (ABS) system is now in play, using high-tech cameras and machine learning to determine whether a pitch was a ball or a strike. Traditional umpires are still on the field, of course, but they’ve been demoted to glorified middle managers—merely relaying decisions made by the cold, unfeeling eye of the machine overlords.

Welcome to Sci-Fi Baseball

Fans are used to arguing about umpires’ eyesight, but now they’ll be discussing the ethics of AI decision-making. How long before an ump malfunctions and starts calling every pitch a strike? Will robots eject human managers for “excessive aggression” when they start kicking dirt in frustration? And most importantly, will we ever hear a robot scream, “YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!” with the passion and rage of a 1970s ump having a midlife crisis?

Baseball is embracing technology at a time when automation is replacing workers in industries across the country. Robots are driving cars, flipping burgers, and now, making sure Aaron Judge doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt on a borderline strike. If this keeps up, in a few years, we’ll have self-driving baserunners and AI-generated play-by-play commentary.

“That was an excellent pitch by the human pitcher,” the future robot announcer will say in a soothing, synthetic voice. “It reminds me of that time I was trained on 300,000 historical baseball games and developed an appreciation for competitive athletics.”

Umpires Are Now Just Back-Up Dancers

If you think real umpires were bad at calling the strike zone, wait until you see a robot get a software update mid-game. Imagine the chaos:

“We apologize for the delay. The ABS system is installing Windows updates. Estimated time: 47 minutes.”

And yet, there they still stand—real umpires, dressed in their masks and chest protectors, forced to serve as messengers for an algorithm. It’s like if Broadway dancers had to announce every line of a play before doing their choreography.

One anonymous umpire, speaking through what we can only assume were tears of irrelevance, said:

“I used to have power. I used to make decisions that could ruin a fan’s week. Now? Now I’m just a guy in black who repeats whatever the robot tells me.”

Fans might feel bad for umpires, but let’s be honest—many people have dreamed of this day ever since an ump stole a perfect game from their favorite pitcher.

Angel Hernandez Must Be Terrified

If there’s anyone who should be worried, it’s Angel Hernandez, the most controversial umpire in MLB history. For years, his strike zone has been as unpredictable as the stock market, and his calls have fueled more online outrage than a bad Netflix reboot.

Now? The robot umps are making him obsolete.

“I’ve spent years mastering the art of the inconsistent strike zone,” Hernandez allegedly told a friend. “Now some laptop with a camera is going to replace me? This is an attack on my legacy!”

Some fans are speculating that Hernandez might sabotage the system. If, during a game, a robot ump suddenly starts calling every pitch a ball, we’ll know exactly who’s responsible.

The Death of the Sweet-Talking Player

Every catcher, pitcher, and batter has, at some point, tried to charm the umpire into giving them a call. Some umps even have favorites, offering a little extra generosity to certain players. But try flirting with a robot and see how far you get.

“Come on, blue, you’re looking good today.”

“Processing… I do not experience self-esteem.”

Gone are the days when players could subtly nudge a strike zone in their favor. The machines have no emotions, no bias, no personal grudges. They simply enforce the rules without mercy, which is honestly terrifying.

What Happens When the Robots Malfunction?

MLB swears the system is foolproof, but we’ve all seen what happens when technology goes haywire. Have you ever had Google Maps send you into a lake? Imagine that happening in Game 7 of the World Series.

What if a hacker gets into the system? A single line of code, and suddenly the strike zone extends to the hot dog stand.

There’s already speculation that teams will try to cheat the robo-umps. If the Houston Astros could steal signs, what’s stopping them from installing a secret “Make Every Pitch a Strike” software patch?

The New Breed of Conspiracy Theorists

Forget steroids—the new baseball conspiracy theories will be about the machines.

“Did you see that? The ABS totally missed that pitch. Someone hacked it.”

“I heard the Yankees installed their own strike zone software.”

“MLB sold advertising space in the algorithm, and now the strike zone is sponsored by Budweiser.”

Fans love nothing more than paranoia, and now that technology is involved, the tinfoil hats are coming out.

The Strike Zone Is No Longer Up for Debate

One thing is certain: the strike zone is now a cold, heartless truth.

No more “pitch framing.” No more “the ump’s having a bad day.” No more “that call was BS.”

Every single pitch is measured with mathematical precision. Some fans love it. Others argue that it takes the drama out of the game.

“What am I supposed to do now? Just accept that the call was correct?” one devastated fan asked. “Half the fun of baseball was screaming at umps. Now what?”

The Future of Baseball: Pure Automation

If MLB is embracing automation, we have to ask: what’s next?

• Robot pitchers? The Mets’ bullpen has been doing a bad job for years—time to let the machines take over.
• AI Batters? Why pay $300 million for a slugger when you can build one in a lab?
• Automated Home Run Celebrations? Instead of bat flips, players just upload a gif to the scoreboard.

The way things are going, by 2030, baseball might be an entirely automated sport. The players will be CGI. The fans will be in VR. And the umpires will be self-aware machines, deciding our fates.

Final Thought: We Must Prepare for the Umpire Uprising

For now, MLB swears the robo-umps are here to help, not to replace human umpires. But we all know how these things start.

First, they call balls and strikes.
Then, they start ejecting players.
Then, they form a Robot Umpire Union and demand better wages.
Before long, baseball belongs entirely to the machines.

If MLB wants to embrace the future, fine. But when the robots demand a rule change to allow laser cannons in the outfield, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

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Disclaimer: This article is a collaboration between an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer. No AI was involved, except for the ones taking over baseball.

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MLB’s Robot Umpires

15 Humorous Observations

• Baseball just became a sci-fi movie. We’re only a few years away from robot umpires ejecting human managers for arguing balls and strikes. Next thing you know, they’ll be charging their batteries in the dugout and discussing “BASEBALL” strategy with ChatGPT.

• Umpires are now glorified backup dancers. They’re still standing there in their masks and chest protectors, but now they just announce what the robot told them. This is baseball’s version of a ventriloquist act.

• Finally, robots are doing the jobs no one else wants. Everyone always says robots are taking our jobs—good! Nobody wants to be screamed at by a guy who just ate his weight in hot dogs and Bud Light.

• Arguing with a robot is a new level of pointless. Instead of kicking dirt at the ump, managers will be shaking their fists at a metal box like an old man mad at an ATM.

• Robot umps will be more accurate, but far less entertaining. We’ll never see a robot umpire dramatically rip off its mask and scream, “YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!” Instead, it’ll just beep and display “EJECTION PROTOCOL INITIATED.”

• Imagine robot umpires getting hacked. One day, some teenager in his mom’s basement will turn a crucial game into absolute chaos—“Strike zone adjusted to include the parking lot.”

• Baseball purists are already having heart attacks. First, the designated hitter ruined everything, then instant replay, and now this. The only thing keeping them alive is the knowledge that Babe Ruth never had to deal with WiFi.

• This is bad news for players who always sweet-talk umpires. You can’t flirt with a machine. “Come on, blue, you’re looking good today” won’t work on a robot that has no self-esteem.

• What happens when a robot ump malfunctions? Do they just explode on the field? Or worse—do they start calling everything a strike like an overcaffeinated ump on a power trip?

• The strike zone is now officially non-negotiable. No more “framing” pitches or trying to intimidate the ump. The robot doesn’t care if you’re a Hall of Famer or a minor leaguer who just got called up—it runs on cold, heartless logic.

• You thought umpires were bad? Wait until the robot has a software update mid-game. “We apologize for the delay. Your umpire is currently installing Windows updates. Estimated time: 2 hours.”

• This is going to create a new breed of conspiracy theorists. Forget steroids—people will start accusing teams of hacking the robo-ump. “Did you see that pitch? Clearly a ball. Someone must’ve uploaded malware.”

• Angel Hernandez must be sweating right now. MLB’s most controversial ump just found out he can be replaced by a microwave with an internet connection.

• The players are still human… for now. Give it five more years, and MLB will have robot pitchers, robot batters, and robot fans. “Take me out to the ballgame” will be sung in binary code.

• Soon, we’ll have sponsored robot umpires. “Today’s automated ball-strike system is brought to you by Tesla! Strikes are electric, balls are self-driving, and ejections are automatic.”

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