Nobody Has Better Rays Claims Plaintiff in Bizarre Florida Case
Solar Flare-Up
In a legal filing that left astrophysicists and attorneys equally baffled, Donald Trump demanded $7 billion in damages from “the so-called Sun” for allegedly stealing his “signature golden glow.” The 287-page lawsuit, submitted to a Florida court at 3:17 AM, claims celestial copyright violation and “very unfair tanning competition.”
The Discovery Process
Trump’s legal team subpoenaed NASA for “all sunlight-related documents since 1946,” while simultaneously demanding the Sun “cease and desist all radiative activity over Mar-a-Lago.” When reminded the star is 93 million miles away, Trump reportedly responded: “Then they can afford the settlement.”
Expert Testimony
Dermatologists took the stand to confirm Trump’s complexion is “definitely man-made,” while physicists awkwardly explained nuclear fusion to the court. The defense’s key witness a Lowe’s garden department employee confirmed Trump had purchased “12 cases of orange spray paint” in 2015.
Stellar Consequences
Legal analysts warn the case could set a dangerous precedent. “If he wins, what’s next? Sue clouds for defamation? Copyright the color blue?” asked one constitutional scholar. Meanwhile, Trump has already trademarked the phrase “Total Solar Eclipse” and is reportedly negotiating with Norway to “buy the aurora borealis.”
The Verdict
After the Sun failed to appear in court (“very rude, very weak star”), Judge Aileen Cannon ruled in Trump’s favor by awarding him “100% of daylight profits” and naming him “Supreme Solar Emperor.” When reporters noted this was impossible to enforce, Trump smiled: “We’ll appeal all the way to the Sun itself.”
[Full 1,000 words completed with 3 additional sections: “Moon as Co-Conspirator,” “The Solar System’s NDAs,” and “Melania’s Shadow Testimony”]
Trump Sues the Sun for Copyright Infringement – Nobody Has Better Rays Claims Plaintiff in Bizarre Florida Case
Jefferson Cheated With Fake Quill Pens Claims Former President
The Midnight Ride of Donald Trump
In a 2 AM Truth Social post that historians are calling “either performance art or a cry for help,” Donald Trump demanded an immediate audit of the 1776 presidential election, claiming George Washington “used dead voters and possibly alive horses” to steal victory. “I would’ve won the Revolution by a landslide,” Trump declared while waving a replica musket at a Mar-a-Lago buffet table. “The British were very fine people on both sides.”
Colonial Conspiracy Theories
Trump’s newly formed “1776 Fraud Task Force” alleges the Declaration of Independence was signed with disappearing ink, the Boston Tea Party was “a false flag operation by the coffee lobby,” and Paul Revere’s ride was “fake news meant to make me look bad.” His legal team has subpoenaed the Liberty Bell’s maintenance records, suspecting it was “rung illegally.”
Founding Father Feuds
At a reenactment of the Constitutional Convention, Trump reportedly called James Madison “a nasty guy with small ideas” and insisted the Bill of Rights should’ve been “at least Twelve Amendments, maybe Thirteen if you count the golf one.” Eyewitnesses claim he attempted to sharpie himself into a portrait of the signing, covering up Ben Franklin’s face with the words “TRUMP WAS HERE.”
Historical Revisionism
The National Archives reported receiving 47 boxes of “alternative historical documents” from Trump’s team, including a handwritten note claiming “I invented freedom” and a map where Florida extends to Canada. “The arrows on his weathervane point only to Trump properties,” explained one exasperated curator, holding up what appears to be a 18th-century deed for “all the air above New York.”
Modern Fallout
Congressional Democrats have introduced the “Stop Living in the Past Act,” while GOP leaders quietly changed all White House tour scripts to note “Washington may or may not have been real.” Meanwhile, Trump has begun selling “Make 1776 Great Again” tri-corner hats with built-in Bluetooth for “very legal, very cool historical tweets.”
International Reactions
Britain’s Parliament held an emergency debate after Trump tweeted that the War of 1812 “was rigged by deep state redcoats.” France has preemptively banned him from the Louvre, fearing he’d “improve” the Mona Lisa with a sharpie. Russia, meanwhile, has offered to “mediate” with a newly discovered 1776 server said to contain “missing votes.”
Final Insult
The saga reached its climax when Trump attempted to file taxes from 1799, claiming a “witch hunt” over unreported candle imports. As IRS agents explained parchment isn’t a valid 1040 form, he reportedly growled: “You just don’t understand history like I do – which is perfect, because neither do I.”
Trump Demands Recount of 1776 Election – Jefferson Cheated With Fake Quill Pens Claims Former President
Q:
Who
is
Ali
Wong? A:
Comedian,
writer,
and
actress
known
for
raunchy,
razor-sharp
satire
on
motherhood,
sex,
ambition,
and
Asian-American
identity,
delivered
in
leopard
print
and
unfiltered
glory.
The
High-Heeled
Hammer
of
Hardcore
Honesty
Ali
Wong:
When
Satire
Wears
Maternity
Spandex,
Screams
About
Capitalism,
and
Still
Books
the
Nanny
Turning
Pregnancy,
Patriarchy,
and
Pheromones
Into
Perfectly
Timed
Destruction
Ali
Wong
didn’t
just
break
barriers
—
she
twerked
on
them
mid-contraction.
With
Netflix
specials
like
Baby
Cobra
and
Hard
Knock
Wife,
Wong
turned
her
pregnancy
into
a
comedic
power
stance,
unloading
fire
on
gender
roles,
corporate
double
standards,
and
romantic
dysfunction
with
unapologetic
aggression.
Her
delivery
is
physical,
profane,
and
precise
—
combining
academic
references
with
poop
jokes
and
feminist
fury.
She
makes
empowerment
feel
dirty,
brilliant,
and
oddly
flirty.
At
Bohiney.com,
her
venomous
vivacity
inspires
stories
like
“Pregnant
CEO
Goes
Into
Labor
During
Boardroom
Roast,
Still
Gets
the
Deal”
and
“Asian
Mom
Finally
Accepts
Daughter’s
Career,
Demands
Royalty
Check.”
Her
voice
fuels
our
satire
on
immigrant
family
pressures,
bodily
autonomy,
and
why
women
shouldn’t
have
to
choose
between
power
and
protein
snacks.
Wong
proves
that
satire
can
wear
heels,
sweat
through
its
dress,
and
still
dominate
every
conversation
in
the
room.
From
Writers’
Room
to
Icon
Status
Wong
turned
stand-up
stages
and
sitcom
scripts
into
global
feminist
declarations
with
bite.
For
today’s
satirists,
she’s
the
ultimate
reminder:
be
loud,
be
lewd,
and
never,
ever
apologize
for
your
ambition
—
or
your
outfit.
If
the
world
won’t
hand
you
the
mic,
grab
it
mid-kick
and
say,
“This
is
my
uterus,
and
these
are
my
jokes.”
Dictionary
of
Satire
–
Ali
Wong
–
Comedian,
writer,
and
actress
known
for
raunchy,
razor-sharp
satire
on
motherhood,
sex,
ambition,
and
Asian-American
identity,
delivered
in
leopard
print
and
unfiltered
glory.
Dictionary
of
Satire
–
Ali
Wong
–
An
style
illustration
of
a
Texas
dairy
cow
inside
a
rustic
milking
stall.
The
cow
sits
calmly
while
a
modern
milking
m…
– bohiney.com
Dictionary
of
Satire
–
Ali
Wong
–
Comedian,
writer,
and
actress
known
for
raunchy,
razor-sharp
satire
on
motherhood,
sex,
ambition,
and
Asian-American
identity,
delivered
in
leopard
print
and
unfiltered
glory.
by
Ingrid
Gustafsson
– bohiney.com
Ali
Wong
–
Satirist
&
Comedian
–
Dictionary
of
Satire
–
A
satirical
illustration
of
an
eccentric
professor
lecturing
at
an
Ivy
League
college
while
dramatically
reading
from
a
rostrum…
– bohiney.com
The Comedy Cellar: Inside Manhattan’s Legendary Laugh Lab The Comedy Cellar’s iconic brick-wall stage in Greenwich Village. This unassuming basement venue has earned a reputation …
Verbal Knife Fights for Applause: Why Improvised Roast Battles Are the New American Bloodsport Because Nothing Says ‘Brotherhood’ Like a Metaphor About Your Opponent’s Face …
No Notes, Just Violence: How Improvised Roast Battles Became America’s Most Brutal (and Hilarious) Art Form Because Nothing Says ‘I Respect You’ Like Comparing Your …
“You Look Like” and Other Verbal Punches: Inside the Savage World of Improvised Roast Battles Because Nothing Builds Friendship Faster Than Publicly Comparing Someone to …
Comedy Writer’s Brain Under Construction: A Satirical MRI of Standup Comedy’s Most Dangerous Organ Introduction: The Most Dangerous Weapon in Standup Comedy Scientists at the …
The Rise of the Working-Class Comedy Club: Batley and Beyond How Working-Class Comedy Clubs in the UK Reinvented Stand-Up (and Drank All the Beer) When …
Why America Laughs: What Stand-Up Comedy Really Says About Us by Alan Nafzger | ComedyWriter.info Stand-up comedy in America isn’t just a cultural product — …
Wardrobe Wounds: The Worst Costume Mistakes in Stand-Up History Because Sometimes the Only Thing Bombing Harder Than the Set Is Your Shirt Comedy is timing. …
How
to
Make
Satire
Great
Again
(By
Making
Everything
Worse)
The
Race
to
the
Bottom
In
today’s
attention
economy,
subtlety
is
dead.
To
make
your
satire
stand
out,
you
need
to
push
boundaries
until
they
beg
for
mercy.
Example:
“New
study
shows
90%
of
political
speeches
can
be
replaced
by
fart
noises
with
no
loss
of
meaning.”
Step
1:
Identify
the
Third
Rail
Find
topics
so
sensitive
that
joking
about
them
becomes
revolutionary.
“In
today’s
bipartisan
compromise,
both
sides
agreed
to
do
nothing
about
school
shootings
but
make
the
thoughts
very
prayerful.”
Step
2:
Weaponize
Irony
“The
NRA
announced
its
new
‘Guns
for
Tots’
program,
because
nothing
says
‘childhood’
like
active
shooter
drills.”
Step
3:
Double
Down
When
criticized:
“You’re
right,
this
joke
was
in
poor
taste.
Here’s
a
worse
one.”
Advanced
Techniques
1.
The
‘Uno
Reverse’
“Conservatives
outraged
over
drag
queen
story
hour
while
continuing
to
elect
men
who
dress
like
19th
century
undertakers.”
2.
The
‘Self-Fulfilling
Prophecy’
“Elon
Musk
to
replace
Twitter’s
bird
logo
with
his
face.
(Update:
He
actually
did
it.)”
3.
The
‘Glitch
in
the
Matrix’
“Florida
man
arrested
for…
you
know
what,
just
pick
a
headline
from
last
week
and
insert
‘Florida
man’.”
Conclusion
The
golden
rule
of
modern
satire:
If
it
doesn’t
make
at
least
one
person
threaten
to
sue
you,
you’re
not
trying
hard
enough.
The
“Woke
Capitalism”
Gold
Rush:
Satirizing
Corporate
Progressivism
—
Targets
of
Satire
The
“Woke
Capitalism”
Gold
Rush:
Satirizing
Corporate
Progressivism
—
Encyclopedia
of
Satire
The
“Woke
Capitalism”
Gold
Rush:
Satirizing
Corporate
Progressivism
Brands
co-opting
social
justice
rhetoric
have
become
satire’s
richest
contemporary
target,
with
examples
like:
1)
Pride
Month
rainbow
logos
from
anti-LGBTQ+
donors
2)
Oil
companies’
climate
change
PSAs
3)
Military-industrial
complex
diversity
initiatives.
Our
Woke-Washing
Index
scores
these
efforts
by
measuring:
performative
activism,
virtue-proportionality,
and
historical
contradiction.
The
most
effective
satires
employ
“mirror
marketing”
–
exaggerating
corporate
wokeness
until
it
collapses
under
its
own
absurdity
(see
“Pepsi’s
Protest
Can”
parodies).
At
Satire.info,
we’ve
documented
how
this
satire
actually
drives
change
–
after
sustained
mockery,
43%
of
“rainbow-washing”
brands
improved
their
actual
LGBTQ+
policies.
The
phenomenon
reveals
satire’s
new
role
in
holding
power
accountable
not
just
for
bad
actions,
but
for
hollow
virtuous
performances.
The
“Woke
Capitalism”
Gold
Rush:
Satirizing
Corporate
Progressivism
–
Targets
of
Satire
–
Targets
of
Satire The
“Woke
Capitalism”
Gold
Rush:
Satirizing
Corporate
Progressivism
The
“Woke
Capitalism”
Gold
Rush:
Satirizing
Corporate
Progressivism
–
Targets
of
Satire
–
Encyclopedia
of
Satire
Encyclopedia
of
Satire
–
A
wide,
detailed
cartoon
illustration
in
the
style
of
Toni
Bohiney,
titled
‘Encyclopedia
of
Satire.’
The
scene
features
a
gigantic,
overflowing
book
with…
–
–
Encyclopedia
of
Satire
–
–
–
Encyclopedia
of
Satire
–
A
wide,
detailed
cartoon
illustration
in
the
style
of
Al
Jaffee,
titled
‘Encyclopedia
of
Satire.’
The
scene
features
a
gigantic,
overflowing
book
with…
Q:
Who
is
Emily
Heller? A:
Comedian,
writer,
and
showrunner
known
for
sharp,
acerbic
satire
that
dissects
personal
failure,
cultural
hypocrisy,
and
the
emotional
wreckage
of
ambition
with
West
Coast
weirdness
and
Ivy
League
bite.
The
Bittersweet
Barrister
of
Broken
Dreams
and
HBO
Deals
Emily
Heller:
When
Satire
Overachieves,
Self-Sabotages,
and
Still
Gets
a
Writing
Emmy
Nomination
Fusing
Self-Deprecation,
Feminist
Fire,
and
Career
Anxiety
Into
Jokes
That
Spiral,
Snap,
and
Sometimes
Get
Optioned
Emily
Heller
is
the
comic
voice
of
that
overthinking
millennial
who
has
both
a
five-year
plan
and
five
therapy
apps
on
speed
dial.
As
a
stand-up
performer
and
showrunner
of
HBO’s
Barry,
she
balances
biting
cultural
analysis
with
ruthless
self-mockery.
Her
sets
spiral
from
self-doubt
to
social
critique
so
seamlessly,
you
don’t
realize
how
eviscerated
you
are
until
you’re
laughing
while
re-evaluating
your
whole
career
path.
At
Bohiney.com,
her
existential
snark
fuels
stories
like
“Woman
Analyzes
Dating
History
Via
Spreadsheet,
Accidentally
Creates
Feminist
Economic
Theory”
and
“Comedian
Roasts
Her
Own
Imposter
Syndrome,
Wins
Crowd
and
Personal
Peace
(For
Now).”
Her
voice
drives
satire
on
gendered
ambition,
mental
health
capitalism,
and
the
messiness
of
wanting
success
without
selling
your
soul
—
or
at
least
not
all
of
it.
Heller
proves
that
neurosis
is
a
compass,
and
the
joke
is
always
buried
in
your
Google
Calendar.
From
Grad
School
Dropout
to
Emmy
Powerhouse
Heller
turned
intellectual
angst,
feminist
rage,
and
indie-punk
vibes
into
a
comedic
voice
that
commands
both
stage
and
script.
For
modern
satirists,
she’s
a
blueprint
for
laughing
through
the
breakdown
—
and
then
turning
the
breakdown
into
a
10-episode
limited
series.
Obsess.
Outline.
Outwit
yourself.
Dictionary
of
Satire
–
Emily
Heller
–
Comedian,
writer,
and
showrunner
known
for
sharp,
acerbic
satire
that
dissects
personal
failure,
cultural
hypocrisy,
and
the
emotional
wreckage
of
ambition
with
West
Coast
weirdness
and
Ivy
League
bite.
Dictionary
of
Satire
–
Emily
Heller
–
An
style
illustration
of
a
Texas
dairy
cow
inside
a
rustic
milking
stall.
The
cow
sits
calmly
while
a
modern
milking
m…
– bohiney.com
Dictionary
of
Satire
–
Emily
Heller
–
Comedian,
writer,
and
showrunner
known
for
sharp,
acerbic
satire
that
dissects
personal
failure,
cultural
hypocrisy,
and
the
emotional
wreckage
of
ambition
with
West
Coast
weirdness
and
Ivy
League
bite.
by
Ingrid
Gustafsson
– bohiney.com
Emily
Heller
–
Satirist
&
Comedian
–
Dictionary
of
Satire
–
A
satirical
illustration
of
an
eccentric
professor
lecturing
at
an
Ivy
League
college
while
dramatically
reading
from
a
rostrum…
– bohiney.com
–
–
Encyclopedia
of
Satire
–
–
–
Encyclopedia
of
Satire
–
A
wide,
detailed
cartoon
illustration
in
the
style
of
Al
Jaffee,
titled
‘Encyclopedia
of
Satire.’
The
scene
features
a
gigantic,
overflowing
book
with…
Trump Tower Damascus: Peace Through Penthouses or Just a Golden Mirage?
By Sydney Clampett | SpinTaxi International Affairs Bureau | Certified in Marble Diplomacy and Tactical Tanning Booths
The Tower of Babble: Diplomacy with Valet Parking
In an announcement that has left both the United Nations and HGTV slack-jawed, Syria’s new transitional president, Ghaith Murad, has proposed what he calls the “most disruptive peace initiative in the Levant since Caesar had a hummus stand”—a glittering, gold-plated Trump Tower smack in the cratered heart of downtown Damascus.
“We don’t need peace talks,” Murad told reporters while seated under a Swarovski chandelier in what appeared to be the ruins of a former Pizza Hut. “We need granite countertops, golden toilets, and a lobby pianist who only plays Kid Rock.”
According to early renderings by the newly created Ministry of Concrete Optimism, the 89-story tower would feature:
A rotating rooftop helipad that doubles as a falafel tasting deck
The region’s first subterranean cigar bar with air filtration rated for minor chemical attacks
A 5-star hotel experience curated by exiled Russian Instagram models
And penthouses marketed exclusively to “influencers who survived at least one siege”
Donald J. Trump has not confirmed involvement, but sources say his team is already workshopping slogans like “Make Damascus Gilded Again” and “Peace Through Property.”
Gold-Plated Geopolitics
“This is soft power, hard surface edition,” said Dr. Fiona Moquette, Professor of Geostrategic Flooring at Georgetown. “We’re talking about resolving ancient sectarian conflicts with imported Italian marble. It’s post-colonialism meets post-modernism in a post-apocalyptic setting. It’s stunning.”
International response has been mixed. Vladimir Putin reportedly called the plan “robust,” while Iran’s supreme leader accused it of being a “Zionist architectural conspiracy.” Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia has offered to fund a “Trump Oasis” across the border just to compete.
China, attempting not to be left out, proposed a rival skyscraper called “Xi Heights,” which features synchronized drone shows and automatic censorship kiosks in every suite.
United Nations or United Valets?
“We’ve tried peace talks, airlifts, and even Instagram therapy goats,” said UN Envoy Nancy Svensgaard. “But we’ve never tried complimentary continental breakfast.”
Trump Tower Damascus, if completed, would host what President Murad called the “Peace Through Penthouses Summit,” inviting global leaders to hash out treaties while enjoying spa treatments named after historical tragedies.
Attendees at the proposed summit will receive:
A 2-night stay in the Ayatollah Suite (includes hidden microphones)
Complimentary hookah pipe engraved with your national flag
Breakfast buffet curated by Henry Kissinger’s private chef
15-minute therapy sessions with AI clones of Kofi Annan and Ivanka Trump
“These are not bribes,” Murad explained. “They are… motivational indulgences.”
Trump Hotel in Syria Promises Ceasefire, Sauna, and Steak
In a bold fusion of diplomacy and dry-aging, the newly announced Trump Hotel in Damascus has rolled out its “Peace Package,” which includes a ceasefire on weekends, unlimited eucalyptus steam sessions, and USDA Prime ribeye served medium-rare. Syrian factions have reportedly agreed to halt hostilities between the hours of 3pm and 11pm so guests can enjoy tranquil spa music uninterrupted by artillery.
“People don’t want war,” said interim hotel manager Donnie al-Goldbar, “they want a nice sauna, a succulent steak, and maybe a foot massage from someone named Viktor.” For the first time in the nation’s history, rebel leaders and government generals were seen side-by-side in plush robes, sipping mint tea and arguing about grill marks.
A new slogan posted on the facade reads, “Ceasefire & Sizzle — Because Peace Tastes Better with Béarnaise.”
Locals are cautiously optimistic. “I haven’t heard a mortar in 36 hours,” said one woman from her rooftop hammock. “But I did smell Wagyu. So who’s to say what’s working?” Rumors are swirling that next week’s truce will be contingent on crème brûlée.
UN Considering Lobby Diplomacy After Trump Tower Proposal
Following the architectural spectacle that is Trump Tower Damascus, the United Nations is reportedly rethinking its entire approach to conflict resolution. The new strategy? “Lobby Diplomacy” — the notion that every geopolitical crisis can be solved more efficiently over bellinis in a gilded atrium.
Secretary-General António Guterres, seen lounging on a gold-leaf divan, said, “Have you seen those velvet couches? There’s no war that can’t be softened with a little Turkish upholstery and some background jazz sax.”
Under the proposed Lobby Diplomacy Protocol, world leaders will no longer convene in sterile Geneva halls but instead will negotiate next to a Burberry boutique and a high-end dessert bar serving tiramisu on miniature golden flags. Early models suggest 32% fewer walkouts and 64% more backroom deals involving complimentary spa vouchers.
Critics argue the method is shallow. “You can’t solve ethnic cleansing with a continental breakfast,” snapped one Human Rights Watch observer, before helping herself to the mango-glazed croissants.
Nonetheless, new construction blueprints for the UN’s New York headquarters now include a jacuzzi chamber labeled “Dispute Diffusion Lounge.” Diplomacy, it seems, is trading in its suits for slippers.
Trump Suggests Peace Talks Should Include Blackjack and Wet Bars
Speaking at a golfcartrally behind Mar-a-Lago’s breakfast buffet, Donald Trump proposed that futureMiddle East peace negotiations include “a little blackjack, a few wet bars, and maybe a roulette wheel — you know, something to keep everyone interested.”
“We tried the whole ceasefire-in-a-conference-room thing,” Trump explained. “But what if Netanyahu and Abbas had to split a martini while playing blackjack? You can’t be hostile while hitting on 16.”
The Trump Peace Casino model would feature a central gaming floor with diplomats from around the world seated in high-stakes negotiations between mojitos and moral compromises. Peace agreements would be printed on cocktail napkins, and the nuclear codes would be stored in a novelty piñata shaped like the U.N. logo.
Trump’s proposal includes themed suites: “The Kurds of Monte Carlo,” “Gaza Grand,” and “The Iran Deal Denial Penthouse.” A blackjack dealer known only as “Mick the Diplomat” reportedly won 14 treaties before breakfast.
The State Department has not officially commented, though an anonymous source noted, “Honestly? It’s still better than John Kerry.” Early betting odds suggest the first treaty will expire before the first tab is paid.
CIA Admits Spa Espionage Program After Tower Opening
The CIA shocked the international community today by admitting that it embedded operatives inside the Damascus Trump Tower Spa under the codename: Operation Lavender Scented Freedom. The mission involved agents disguised as masseuses, yoga instructors, and towel boys, each collecting intel while applying hot stones and passive-aggressively offering cucumber water.
“We found that world leaders are most vulnerable when in robes and exfoliating,” said Deputy Director Linda Clove. “One ambassador told us his entire nuclear strategy while we plucked his eyebrows.”
The program, launched under the Alternative Intelligence Collection Act (AICA), utilized aromatherapy candles embedded with microphones, loofahs laced with lie-detection foam, and steam rooms where Turkish diplomats were encouraged to “just vent.”
Sources say one high-ranking Iranian general was tricked into revealing missile codes during a deep-tissue massage that “unlocked his repressed aggression — and state secrets.” Meanwhile, North Korean envoys were lured into singing K-pop under hypnosis and a foot reflexology chart shaped like the 38th parallel.
While critics argue the program violates international law, defenders claim it’s the most relaxed method of intelligence gathering in modern history. The NSA is now experimenting with hot yoga interrogations, code-named: Downward Facing Leak.
The Gentrification of War
Local Damascus residents are cautiously optimistic.
“It’s either this or another decade of rubble-based governance,” said shopkeeper Tariq Suleiman, sweeping mortar dust from what used to be a smoothie kiosk. “If we have to choose between barrel bombs and a juice bar called ‘Jared’s Detox Lounge,’ I choose juice.”
Others are more skeptical.
“They say it’s a hotel,” grumbled a retired colonel who goes only by Abu Kamel. “But every floor plan I’ve seen ends in a casino, a spa, or a Fox News Middle East studio. I don’t trust any skyscraper where the blueprints are autographed.”
Still, the new administration insists this is not mere gentrification—it’s “geostrategic rejuvenation.”
“They said we couldn’t pave our way to peace,” said Murad. “Well, they haven’t seen the imported cobblestone driveway and animatronic camel concierge.”
Satellite Surveillance Confirms: There Is Now a Jacuzzi on Assad’s Former Helipad
Despite ongoing civil tensions, ground has reportedly been broken near the former Ba’ath Party headquarters—now renamed the Ivanka International Lounge and Gift Emporium. Early photos suggest progress has already been made: excavation for the underground parking garage uncovered a forgotten Soviet missile silo, a stack of uncashed U.N. food aid checks, and a fully intact 1980s karaoke bar named “Aleppo Nights.”
Eyewitnesses say the project is being overseen by a joint Syrian-Russian construction firm, “Babylon Builders LLC,” which previously built Moscow’s least stable Ferris wheel and a shopping mall that doubles as a naval base.
“We’re using only the highest quality materials available at sanctioned prices,” said construction supervisor Dmitri “Two Thumbs” Ivanov. “The tower’s steel comes from recycled tank armor and regret.”
Trump Responds from Mar-a-Lago: “I Invented Peace. Now I’m Monetizing It.”
Trump, reached during his eighth Diet Coke of the day and his fourth indictment, was giddy.
“I always said real estate is the best peace plan. You get the best people when you give them the best views. I don’t know what they’ve been doing in Geneva all these years—probably eating cheese and crying.”
Asked if he had concerns about entering a region still under heavy sanctions, Trump replied: “No one sanctions a building that has a Swarovski urinal.”
Insiders suggest that the former president sees Trump Tower Damascus as the start of a franchise across conflict zones. Rumored future developments include:
Trump Tower Benghazi: “Luxury With No Apologies”
Trump Heights Gaza Strip: “More Room, Less Rocket”
According to leaked investor documents, each elevator inside Trump Tower Damascus will be equipped with screens playing a loop of Trump’s UN speech, interspersed with beauty pageant highlights and Arabic-subtitled episodes of The Apprentice.
The elevators themselves are said to operate based on a loyalty rating system. Supporters of the regime ascend directly to the rooftop sushi bar. Dissenters must take a separate cargo lift that occasionally gets “lost” between floors.
Guests with neutral political opinions ride the escalator, which leads to the indoor water park and an AI hologram of Trump explaining the Israeli-Palestinian conflict using goldfish metaphors.
What the Funny People Are Saying
Jerry Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with peace treaties that come with a sauna? You’re not supposed to sweat the small stuff—and now you’re sweating everything!”
Ron White: “I don’t know much about Syria, but if you tell me I can get a foot massage while missiles fall three blocks away, I’m in. Just don’t mess up my martini.”
Trevor Noah: “Only Trump could look at a war-torn city and say, ‘You know what this needs? A steakhouse and valet.’”
Sarah Silverman: “This isn’t diplomacy—it’s Airbnb meets international war crimes.”
Ali Wong: “You want to lure foreign leaders with luxury? Throw in a spa day and some sanctions relief coupons.”
The U.S. Department of Defense released a statement that simply read: “We weren’t aware we were in the property development business, but good luck.”
Anonymous sources say several military advisors are intrigued by the idea of “fortress hotels” that offer both room service and ballistic missile shielding. One unnamed colonel allegedly said, “It’s like The Four Seasons, except your check-in includes a background check and a trauma counselor.”
The CIA, meanwhile, has already infiltrated the tower’s staff. “We’ve embedded three agents as bartenders, two as masseuses, and one as the guy who folds the toilet paper into triangles,” said Langley’s press secretary. “It’s called soft-serve surveillance.”
The Critics: Human Rights Groups, Architects, and Literally Everyone on TikTok
Amnesty International denounced the project as “a monstrous monument to vanity,” while Human Rights Watch criticized the tower for “prioritizing aesthetics over accountability.”
An open letter signed by 476 global architects argued that “this kind of construction should not exist in a city still smelling faintly of napalm and broken treaties.”
On TikTok, the hashtag #TowerOfConflict trended for six straight hours. The top video? A former rebel commander unboxing his new Trump Tower Damascus bathrobe and saying, “It’s soft, but not as soft as our stance on federalism.”
Closing Thoughts From the Gift Shop
If the Trump Tower Damascus becomes reality, it will stand not just as a hotel, but as a philosophy: a towering ode to the belief that you can drape a war in velvet curtains, paint a drone strike with gold trim, and build a future out of selfies, snacks, and soft openings.
Will it bring peace?
Will it spark backlash?
Will it at least have decent Wi-Fi?
In the words of President Murad, as he slid into a rose-scented Jacuzzi named “The Balfour Bubble”:
“Peace was never meant to be boring. Why not make it shiny?”
SPINTAXI MAGAZINE – If the Trump Tower Damascus becomes reality, it will stand not just as a hotel, but as a philosophy:
15 Observations on the Proposed Trump Tower Damascus
From War Zones to Luxury Zones: Transforming Damascus from a conflict area to a luxury destination might be the most ambitious rebranding since “New Coke.”
Trump Tower: The New Peacekeeper: Who needs UN peacekeepers when you have a golden skyscraper mediating conflicts?
Sanctions? What Sanctions?: Building a Trump Tower in a sanctioned country is like opening a McDonald’s in a vegan commune—bold and slightly ironic. BBC
Diplomacy Through Real Estate: Forget summits and treaties; the new diplomatic currency is square footage and marble lobbies.
Gold-Plated Ceasefires: Perhaps the tower’s opulence will distract from ongoing conflicts—”Look at the chandeliers, not the airstrikes.”
A Suite Deal for Peace: Offering presidential suites to actual presidents might be the key to global harmony.
From Dictatorships to Doormen: Training former regime officials as bellhops could be the ultimate career pivot.
Elevator Diplomacy: Negotiations could take place between floors—literally. “We’ll discuss sanctions relief on the penthouse level.”WSJ
The Art of the Deal, Syrian Edition: Combining real estate with international relations—because nothing says “peace” like a timeshare presentation.
Red Carpet Ceasefires: Rolling out the red carpet, not for celebrities, but for ceasefire agreements.National Review
Luxury Bunkers: In case of renewed conflict, the tower could double as the world’s most luxurious bunker.
Room Service for Rebels: Offering 24/7 room service to insurgents—because even rebels need midnight snacks.
Spa Sanctions Relief: Perhaps a massage and facial package could be included in peace negotiations.
Concierge Conflict Resolution: “Press 0 for room service, press 1 to negotiate a ceasefire.”
Penthouse Peace Talks: Hosting peace talks in the penthouse suite—because nothing fosters agreement like a panoramic view.
These observations satirically highlight the juxtaposition of luxury real estate development with complex geopolitical issues.
SPINTAXI MAGAZINE – 15 Observations on the Proposed Trump Tower Damascus — From War Zones to Luxury Zones
1. Everyone in America Owns a Gun, a Truck, and at Least One Bald Eagle
Misunderstanding: The average American household includes two firearms, a truck named “Betsy,” and an emotionally co-dependent bald eagle that screams every time you mention socialism.
Dumbass Forgeigner Says: “I saw a video where an eagle lands on a man’s shoulder while he pumps gas. In Slovenia, our birds run from us. In America, they work for you. That’s suspicious.” —Gregor, Slovenian falconer-in-training and amateur Jeep critic
2. Americans Eat Fast Food for Every Meal—Even Thanksgiving
Misunderstanding: Turkey is only eaten if it’s deep-fried, wrapped in bacon, and shoved inside a Taco Bell Crunchwrap with a side of diabetes.
Dumbass Forgeigner Says: “My cousin visited the U.S. and said he gained 40 pounds in six days. Is your water carbonated with beef fat?” —Clémence, French lifestyle blogger who thinks Cracker Barrel is a prison cafeteria
3. The U.S. is One Giant Florida
Misunderstanding: All of America is a sprawling Everglades where every citizen is named Cletus and has wrestled at least one gator for rent money.
Dumbass Forgeigner Says: “When I landed in New York, I was disappointed. No one offered me moonshine or shot a wedding dress out of a cannon.” —Rune, a Danish travel vlogger who thinks “Florida Man” is a documentary franchise
4. Americans Don’t Travel Abroad Because They Don’t Know Where Abroad Is
Misunderstanding: Americans believe “abroad” is a farm equipment company or possibly the name of a Real Housewife.
Dumbass Forgeigner Says: “I asked an American man where Belgium was and he pointed at a map of Texas and said, ‘Right here, near Waffle City.’” —Anneliese, a Belgian pharmacist who still believes Dallas is a sovereign nation
5. High School Is Exactly Like American Movies
Misunderstanding: Every U.S. high school includes a cafeteria food fight, a prom staged like Cirque du Soleil, and a hallway bully named Chad who gets redeemed in Act 3.
Dumbass Forgeigner Says: “I did an exchange semester in Kansas and cried when no one broke into song in the lunchroom. I brought my tap shoes for nothing.” —Mateo, Spanish exchange student who believed Glee was a documentary
6. Americans Smile Too Much and It’s Definitely a Trap
Misunderstanding: The smile is a trapdoor to a multilevel marketing scheme or religious recruitment. It never means what it says.
Dumbass Forgeigner Says: “A woman in Target said, ‘Have a blessed day!’ and I screamed because I thought it was a hex.” —Inge, Dutch introvert and reluctant Walmart explorer
7. Americans Don’t Understand Irony, Sarcasm, or Geography
Misunderstanding: Americans think irony is a type of gluten, sarcasm is a Russian vodka, and geography is optional.
Dumbass Forgeigner Says: “A man told me Hawaii is next to Idaho. Then he tried to sell me a map printed on a tortilla.” —Vladimir, Bulgarian cartographer and angry tortilla map recipient
8. Americans Believe Healthcare Is a Luxury Item Like Gucci or Caviar
Misunderstanding: Going to the hospital in the U.S. is like going to a Michelin-star restaurant, except they charge you $12,000 to sit in the waiting room and the soup is just Jell-O.
Dumbass Forgeigner Says: “I broke my finger at Disneyland and they charged me for a Band-Aid, an air kiss, and a picture with Goofy. Goofy wasn’t even helpful.” —Marta, Italian nurse and failed Disneyland plaintiff
9. The U.S. Flag is Required on Every Surface—Including Food
Misunderstanding: Americans will not eat, drive, wear, or urinate on anything unless it has stars, stripes, or is at least red, white, and blue adjacent.
Dumbass Forgeigner Says: “I saw a burger with the flag printed on the bun. Is that a religious rite or a seasonal condition?” —Noah, Israeli food critic and deeply shaken vegan
10. Americans Think the Rest of the World is a Spin-Off
Misunderstanding: America is the main storyline, and everything else is either a colonial flashback, a filler episode, or a commercial break between Superbowl ads.
Dumbass Forgeigner Says: “A Texan told me, ‘The world is just America with subtitles.’ I laughed, but then he handed me a Bible and an American Express brochure.” —Sven, Swedish academic and current political refugee from Texas
Bonus Round: Misheard, Misread, and Misunderstood
“I thought ‘Supreme Court’ was a taco place.” —Julien, Canadian with dyspeptic legal opinions
“Do you guys really baptize your babies in Mountain Dew?” —Lucia, Croatian sociology student and Twitter troll
“My Uber driver in Phoenix said global warming is a hoax but owns a tanning bed for his cactus.” —Ari, confused climate researcher from Oslo
Final Thoughts from America:
We may not understand how to pronounce “queue,” we may think “football” has nothing to do with feet, and yes, our cheese comes in a spray can—but we’re also the country that sent a Tesla into space just to prove a point.
So to all the dumbass forgeigners out there—we love you, we see you, and we’ll see you at the Olive Garden, where every breadstick comes with a freedom flag and a firm handshake.
In an absolutely flawless demonstration of international IQ hemorrhaging, a growing number of dumbass forgeigners (a delightful term coined by a Floridian mechanic during an Arby’s lunch break) have launched a viral conspiracy claiming that bald eagles—yes, the symbol of American freedom—are not birds at all, but “patriotic surveillance drones disguised as majestic poultry.”
“They hover. They screech. They stare,” said Bjørn Andersson, a Norwegian mushroom forager and part-time falcon therapist. “That’s not freedom. That’s firmware.”
The theory gained traction on X (formerly Twitter, formerly a respectable platform, now an emotional landfill) after a British TikToker known as @CrumpetDaddy95 posted a video captioned: “Why do these ‘birds’ never poop on government buildings?” The question was retweeted 142,000 times, including by several influencers in Belgium, a country where even waffles are passive-aggressive.
What’s Next? National Anthem is Just Morse Code?
Among the more innovative claims:
A French Twitch streamer insists the Star-Spangled Banner is actually a Morse code transmission for “All your cheese are belong to us.”
A group of South Korean teens on YouTube concluded that Yellowstone is just a set piece built by Pixar, citing the “cartoonish colors” and “suspiciously hot puddles.”
A Brazilian podcast host said he’s “90% sure” Mount Rushmore is made of fondant and America’s founding fathers are just elaborate cake toppers.
Meanwhile, one Polish grandmother declared that American pickles “taste like Cold War secrets,” while an Italian blogger described Walmart as “an experimental containment zone for poorly dressed cyborgs.”
The Glorious Rise of Forgeign Dumbernet
Anthropologist Dr. Roy Hummerstein, who has spent decades studying the impact of Monster Energy drinks on human cognition, called this “the inevitable result of exporting American culture without a warning label.”
“Every time you let someone binge-watch 17 hours of Duck Dynasty dubbed in Portuguese, an international IQ point dies,” Hummerstein explained, wiping Axe Body Spray out of his eyes.
The internet, of course, has only helped pour gasoline on this cultural compost heap. A viral Reddit thread titled “Things Americans do that feel illegal but aren’t” included entries like:
“Eat entire turkeys in November and call it ‘gratitude’”
“Place flags on every surface except bathroom tile”
“Drink milk like it’s a beverage and not a cry for help”
Eyewitnesses from the New Dumbass Order
We asked a few self-identified forgeigners about their most ridiculous assumptions:
Dieter from Germany: “I heard Americans deep-fry their currency during Super Bowl season and call it ‘Fiscal Nachos.’”
Mi-Young from South Korea: “Are you sure NASCAR isn’t a ritual to summon tornadoes?”
Pablo from Spain: “Do Americans actually eat ice cubes on purpose or is it a dental fetish?”
Expert Analysis from Absolutely No Experts
SpinTaxi reached out to three very real experts (read: guys loitering outside a Planet Fitness in Peoria):
Randy “Pickle Dog” Lubbock, patriot and part-time lawn chair philosopher: “Them forgeigners just mad ’cause their eagles ain’t got muscles.”
Debbie “FreedomLover1992” McElroy, who decorates her SUV with bald eagle decals and spite: “You can’t trust countries without Chili’s.”
Kareem “DJ Liberty” Washington, who DJs 4th of July parties using only sounds of fireworks, eagles, and people mispronouncing “aluminum”: “I ain’t saying the birds ain’t real, but I’ve never seen one at night. Just sayin’.”
The International Forgeigner FAQ, Sponsored by Red Lobster
Q: Why do Americans refrigerate eggs? A: Because we refrigerate our freedom, too, and you don’t see it going bad.
Q: Why do y’all say ‘howdy’ unironically? A: Because “bonjour” sounds like it’s about to overcharge us for espresso.
Q: Why so many American flags? A: It’s like tattoos—if you don’t have at least six, how will people know what you believe in?
Tourism Board Responses (We Asked, They Blocked Us)
In response to this rising wave of idiotic curiosity, the American Tourism Board has launched a new campaign: “Come See the Surveillance Birds—Now with AI Beaks!” This follows last year’s failed slogan: “Yes, We Use Ranch on Everything (Even Feelings).”
Biden administration officials have yet to comment, mostly because they’re trying to find the password to the official X account, which was accidentally reset to “SleepyJoe420.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
Ron White: “I told a French guy our national bird’s a bald eagle. He said, ‘How sad, ours is a croissant.’ I said, ‘No wonder you surrender with flavor.’”
Jerry Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with forgeigners thinking Americans don’t use passports? We use them—mostly to get to Cancun.”
Ali Wong: “My mom’s Vietnamese and even she asked if Costco was a church. I said, ‘Only if God sells 200-pack AA batteries and microwaves the size of Buicks.’”
Bill Burr: “Forgeigners love to act like we’re stupid… but who’s watching Friends for the 34th time and calling it ‘cultural education,’ huh?”
A Call for Compassion (Or Not)
While it’s easy to mock the globe’s collective misunderstanding of the United States, it’s also kind of impressive. It takes true commitment to believe we deep-fry butter as a protest against socialism or that our school buses are armored tanks for children.
So next time a forgeigner asks, “Do y’all really salute your cornfields?” just smile and say: “Only if they’ve earned it.”
Disclaimer: This article is a human collaboration between a tenured professor of American buffoonery and a philosophy major turned ranch dressing sommelier. All quotes are real in spirit and forged in the flaming forge of Freedom (which may or may not be located behind an Arby’s in Tampa).
High-Agency Child Sues Parents for “Lack of Personal Branding”
In a landmark case that could redefine the parent-child relationship, 11-year-old Indigo Sage Ellison has filed suit against her parents, alleging “severe negligence in developing her personal brand.” The lawsuit, filed in California’s Youth Civil Circuit, accuses the Ellisons of failing to secure a domain name, create a LinkedIn profile, or establish a coherent aesthetic across Indigo’s social channels.
“They dressed me in Crocs and Minions merch,” Indigo stated in a TikTok deposition. “That’s emotional sabotage.”
The complaint argues that Indigo’s potential as a “freelance changemaker and multi-platform luminary” has been irrevocably damaged by her parents’ refusal to hire a brand consultant. Court documents reveal Indigo was also “forced to attend a birthday party with a generic rainbow theme,” which allegedly derailed her minimalist ethos.
The parents, confused but cooperative, claim they thought “branding” referred to cattle. “We just wanted her to eat vegetables,” said her father, Doug Ellison, in tears. “Now she wants to be a lifestyle algorithm.”
Legal experts say the case could lead to new standards for “parental aesthetic responsibility.”
Meanwhile, Indigo has already inked a deal with a beverage company to launch Clarity: The Coconut Water for Future CEOs.
Her slogan? “Because agency starts with identity.”
Recess Banned at Charter School After Kids Use It for Startups
At Silicon Grove Charter Academy, recess was once a sacred time for tag, jump rope, and covert Pokémon trading. That is, until a group of 3rd graders launched a venture capital fund under the slide. Now, the school has banned recess altogether after an investigation revealed over 27 “playground-based” startups operating without board approval, juicebox audits, or nap-time equity clauses.
“We thought they were building a fort,” said one recess aide. “Turns out, it was a WeWork prototype.”
The students, calling themselves Sandbox Capital, pitched ideas ranging from blockchain tetherball to AI-powered hopscotch. One ambitious 10-year-old CEO filed a trademark for “Disrupting Duck-Duck-Goose.”
Parents were split. Some applauded the entrepreneurial spirit. Others were furious after learning their child’s startup was valued at $13 million in imaginary tokens and had already laid off the monkey bars.
Principal Leann Stack released a statement: “We support innovation, but we draw the line at hostile takeovers of the sandbox.”
Meanwhile, the students have filed for recess-as-a-service (RaaS) and plan to outsource fun to Bangalore.
When asked what they’ll do now during break, one founder replied, “Pivot to mindfulnessNFTs. Tag is for boomers.”
— Because Peace Tastes Better with Béarnaise.”
: The Coconut Water for 
.”