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The Ultimate Showdown: Marcos vs. Duterte in the Political Cage Match of the Century

The Tale of Two Dynasties

In the vibrant archipelago of the Philippines, where jeepneys color the streets and karaoke is a national pastime, two political dynasties have emerged as the reigning champions of the nation’s political arena: the Marcoses and the Dutertes. Their saga, filled with power plays, alliances, and betrayals, has now culminated in the most anticipated event in Filipino political history—a no-holds-barred cage match. Move over, Pacquiao; there’s a new main event in town.

A Brief History: From Allies to Adversaries

Once upon a time, in the not-so-distant past of 2022, Ferdinand “Bongbong” Marcos Jr. and Sara Duterte joined forces, riding the wave of the UniTeam alliance to electoral victory. Their partnership was the stuff of legends, akin to Batman and Robin, if Batman had a penchant for flashy jewelry and Robin had a love for motorbikes.

However, like all great duos—Sonny and Cher, Lennon and McCartney, Tom and Jerry—their relationship soured. By mid-2024, cracks began to appear. Sara Duterte resigned from her position as education secretary, stating that her friendship with Marcos was as real as a three-peso bill. Marcos, in turn, expressed feelings of betrayal, claiming he was “deceived” about their camaraderie. It was the political equivalent of a telenovela breakup, complete with dramatic pauses and over-the-top monologues.

The Cage Match Proposal: Democracy Meets WWE

In a move that would make Vince McMahon proud, the International Criminal Court (ICC) proposed that the two titans settle their differences in a cage match. The winner would take all—political power, bragging rights, and a year’s supply of adobo. Gamblers across the nation placed their bets, with many favoring Duterte, citing his experience in “street justice” and rumored blackbelt in verbal judo.

Training Regimens: Preparing for the Rumble

Marcos approached his training with the precision of a Swiss watch. His regimen included:

• Zumba Sessions: To connect with the masses and improve his rhythm, essential for dodging both punches and political scandals.
• Debate Reenactments: Practicing witty comebacks and one-liners, because in Filipino politics, a sharp tongue cuts deeper than any knife.
• Spray-Tan Appointments: Ensuring he looked as golden as his father’s legacy.

Duterte, on the other hand, took a more unorthodox approach:

• Punching Bags with Opponents’ Faces: Rumor has it that one bag bore a striking resemblance to a certain house speaker.
• Midnight Motorcycle Rides: To channel his inner action star and perhaps escape any lingering ICC warrants.
• Karaoke Marathons: Strengthening his vocal cords to out-shout Marcos during the match, because volume equals dominance.

Public Opinion: The People Weigh In

The Filipino populace, known for their resilience and humor, had mixed reactions:

• Lola Maria, 82, Cebu: “Ay naku, I’d rather watch my telenovelas. At least there, the acting is believable.”
• Jun-Jun, 25, Manila: “I’m betting on Duterte. Have you seen his fists? They’re registered weapons!”
• Aling Nena, 54, Davao: “As long as they don’t mess with my sari-sari store, they can knock each other out for all I care.”

The Big Day: Lights, Camera, Action!

The Philippine Arena was packed to the rafters. Vendors sold fishballs and balut, while jeepneys outside displayed banners like “Team Marcos” and “Duterte Diehard Supporters.” The atmosphere was electric, reminiscent of a fiesta, but with more political undertones and fewer lechon.

As the cage descended, both combatants entered:

• Marcos: Donning a barong tagalog-inspired robe, he waved to the crowd with the confidence of someone who’d been there before—because he had, vicariously through his father’s portraits.
• Duterte: Clad in a leather jacket, he lit a cigarette, took a puff, and then extinguished it on his own forehead—a move that both terrified and confused onlookers.

Round 1: The Verbal Spar

Before any physical blows, the two engaged in a war of words:

• Marcos: “You think you can intimidate me with your tough-guy act? I’ve faced bigger threats—like the PCGG.”
• Duterte: “At least I don’t need a script to speak. How’s your teleprompter doing?”

The crowd oohed and aahed, enjoying the repartee more than a lunchtime chismis session.

Round 2: The Dance-Off

In a surprise twist, the ICC introduced a dance-off segment, believing that true leaders must have rhythm. Marcos showcased his Zumba skills, moving with the grace of a slightly rusty robot. Duterte countered with a spontaneous tinikling, using the cage bars as improvised bamboo poles. Judges awarded this round to Duterte, citing creativity and a blatant disregard for safety.

Round 3: The Actual Fight

Fists flew, but not with the fury expected. It was evident that both had spent more time in air-conditioned offices than in boxing gyms. Marcos attempted a “People Power Punch,” which missed by a mile. Duterte responded with a “DDS Dropkick,” but gravity reminded him of his age.

The Unexpected Finale: A Nation’s Decision

As both men panted and leaned on the cage for support, a voice echoed through the arena. It was Lola Maria, armed with a megaphone:

“Enough of this nonsense! Why don’t we let the people decide, like in a proper democracy?”

The crowd fell silent, then erupted in applause. In an impromptu referendum, attendees voted via text message (standard rates applied). The result? A unanimous decision to focus on real issues—like traffic, unemployment, and the rising cost of onions.

Conclusion: Lessons Learned

The Marcos-Duterte cage match, while entertaining, served as a poignant reminder that political theatrics, though amusing, are no substitute for genuine governance. The Filipino people, with their unwavering spirit and sharp wit, deserve leaders who prioritize progress over pugilism.

As the arena emptied and the nation returned to its daily grind, one thing was clear: in the Philippines, the true strength lies not in the fists of its leaders, but in the hands of its people.

Disclaimer:

This article is a satirical piece and should not be taken as factual reporting. Any resemblance to real events or persons is purely coincidental. No politicians were harmed in the making of this satire. This story is a collaborative effort between a cowboy and a farmer, aiming to shed light on the absurdity of political theatrics.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“This is the first time a presidential fight has actual body slams instead of just slamming the poor!” — Vice Ganda

“Duterte vs. Marcos in a cage match? Finally, something more scripted than their political speeches!” — Michael V.

“You know it’s bad when the ICC is like, ‘We won’t prosecute you… if you just beat the crap out of each other.’” — Eugene Domingo

“Filipino elections are already like a circus—now we just made it official with a wrestling ring!” — Ramon Bautista

“Marcos is fighting for his father’s legacy. Duterte is fighting for… what, exactly? Extra-judicial dominance?” — Pokwang

“Imagine explaining this to Jose Rizal: ‘So, the two biggest political families are solving their issues… with a cage match.’” — Red Ollero

“If Marcos Jr. loses, does he declare martial law on the ring? Asking for a country.” — Jon Santos

“In other countries, politicians debate policies. Here, they debate weight classes.” — Marlou Arizala

“They should’ve done this during the election instead of campaigning. At least we’d know who can actually take a hit.” — KaladKaren

“You know it’s serious when Sara Duterte is in the corner, holding a folding chair.” — Alex Calleja

“The Philippines: Where politics is a sport, and sports are political.” — Ryan Rems

“Wrestling has ‘kayfabe,’ Filipino politics has ‘plunder cases.’ Both involve a lot of acting!” — Victor Anastacio

“Can we have a rule where every corrupt politician must fight for their position? It would clear Congress FAST!” — Wacky Kiray

“Duterte probably trained by hitting journalists. Marcos probably trained by dodging accountability.” — Rufa Mae Quinto

“When they say ‘fight for the nation,’ I didn’t think they meant literally.” — Ogie Diaz

15 Observations on the Marcos-Duterte Cage Match

1. The Ultimate Political Pay-Per-View

   Who needs elections when you can settle political disputes with a cage match? It’s democracy meets WWE!

2. From Debates to Body Slams

   Forget political debates; the new norm is suplexes and chokeholds. Next up: Senate hearings in a steel cage!

3. Campaign Slogans: “Float Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Bee”

   Marcos and Duterte’s new campaign managers are now professional wrestling coaches.

4. Political Platforms or Wrestling Moves?

   “I’ll lower taxes” has been replaced with “I’ll deliver a flying elbow drop from the top rope!”

5. Polling Stations or Training Gyms?

   Voters are now more interested in bench press stats than policy positions.

6. Foreign Policy via Dropkick

   Diplomatic relations are now handled with tag-team matches.

7. State of the Union: SmackDown Edition

   The annual address now includes a halftime show with folding chairs and body slams.

8. Legislation by Submission Hold

   Passing a bill requires a successful pinfall or submission.

9. The Speaker of the House as Referee

   Ensuring fair play and counting the 1-2-3s.

10. Filibusters with Pile Drivers

    Long speeches are out; powerbombs are in.

11. Campaign Finance Reform: Winner Takes All

    Loser funds the national budget.

12. Debate Moderators in Referee Stripes

    Ready to call out low blows—both verbal and physical.

13. Political Endorsements from Wrestling Legends

    Hulk Hogan for Secretary of Defense, anyone?

14. Concession Speeches in the Form of Tap Outs

    “I concede” now replaced with frantic tapping on the mat.

15. Victory Speeches with Championship Belts

    Winners hoist belts instead of giving speeches.

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Analysis of the Top 10 Observations

The Ultimate Political Pay-Per-View

In a world where political debates have become mundane, the Philippines introduces the ultimate spectacle: a cage match to determine the nation’s leader. Experts predict record-breaking viewership, surpassing even the most anticipated boxing matches. Political analysts suggest that this method could increase voter engagement, as citizens are more likely to tune in to a body slam than a policy discussion.​

From Debates to Body Slams

Gone are the days of monotonous speeches and rehearsed talking points. Candidates now train in mixed martial arts to prepare for elections. Political science professors note that this shift adds a new dimension to leadership qualities, emphasizing physical prowess alongside intellectual capabilities.​

Campaign Slogans: “Float Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Bee”

Marketing teams have rebranded candidates as wrestling personas. Marcos enters the ring as “The Ilocos Intimidator,” while Duterte dons the moniker “The Davao Destroyer.” Merchandise sales have skyrocketed, with supporters sporting foam fingers and championship belts.​

Political Platforms or Wrestling Moves?

Policy proposals are now delivered through choreographed wrestling moves. Marcos’ “Economic Elbow Drop” promises to crush inflation, while Duterte’s “Healthcare Hammerlock” aims to submit rising medical costs. Voters appreciate the visual representation of complex policies.​

Polling Stations or Training Gyms?

Citizens are encouraged to participate in public training sessions to show support for their preferred candidate. Gyms have replaced traditional campaign offices, and fitness trainers have become key political advisors. Public opinion polls now include questions about bench press capabilities.​

Foreign Policy via Dropkick

Diplomatic negotiations have taken a turn towards the theatrical. International disputes are settled in the ring, with leaders performing signature moves to assert dominance. Political scientists observe that this approach reduces the likelihood of prolonged conflicts, as outcomes are decided within a three-count.​

State of the Union: SmackDown Edition

The annual address to the nation now features pyrotechnics and entrance music. The President delivers updates on national issues between rounds of wrestling matches. Citizens report higher levels of engagement and retention of information presented in this format.​

Legislation by Submission Hold

Passing new laws requires legislators to face off in the ring. Debates are replaced with wrestling matches, where the victor’s bill proceeds to the next stage. Legal scholars argue that this method expedites the legislative process and adds an element of accountability.​

The Speaker of the House as Referee

The Speaker now dons a black-and-white striped shirt, maintaining order during parliamentary sessions. They have the authority to call fouls and eject unruly members from the ring. This change has led to a more disciplined and respectful legislative environment.​

Filibusters with Pile Drivers

Lengthy speeches have been replaced with wrestling maneuvers. Senators perform pile drivers to delay votes, adding a physical challenge to the procedural tactic. Political commentators note that this development has significantly reduced the occurrence of filibusters.​

Disclaimer

The events and scenarios described above are purely satirical and fictional. They are not reflective of actual political practices in the Philippines or any other country. No politicians were harmed in the making of this satire. This piece is a collaborative effort between a cowboy and a farmer, aiming to bring humor to the complex world of politics.​

The ICC’s Secret Fight Club: How the International Criminal Court Uses MMA to Settle Global Disputes

Move over Geneva Conventions, there’s a new way to handle international conflicts, and it doesn’t involve diplomacy, peace treaties, or exhausting legal proceedings. According to newly leaked documents (that may or may not have been scribbled on the back of a McDonald’s napkin), the International Criminal Court (ICC) has been settling global disputes the old-fashioned way: through Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) fights.

Forget long trials, legal loopholes, and appeals that stretch on for decades—when world leaders can’t agree, the ICC allegedly steps in with a “Winner-Takes-All” Octagon Match. Think of it as The Hague Meets the UFC, except with a slightly better dress code.

The Long History of ICC Cage Fights

While the ICC publicly presents itself as a global legal body prosecuting war crimes, crimes against humanity, and genocide, insiders claim the real action happens in underground fighting rings. According to anonymous diplomats (who are definitely not just fans of WWE), international leaders who refuse to play nice are thrown into an Octagon of Justice where they settle their issues mano-a-mano.

Historians trace this back to 1945, when the Nuremberg Trials nearly collapsed because of excessive bureaucracy. Tired of paperwork, the judges allegedly locked a few Nazi leaders in a boxing ring and told them, “Last man standing gets life in prison.” After that, the precedent was set.

Some of the ICC’s Most Legendary Fights Include:

1. Fidel Castro vs. Nikita Khrushchev (1962)
   Fight Name: “The Bay of Brawls”
   With the Cuban Missile Crisis spiraling out of control, the ICC arranged a bare-knuckle brawl between Castro and Khrushchev. The Soviet leader, known for pounding his shoe on desks, attempted to intimidate Castro with loud foot-stomping techniques, but the Cuban dictator dodged every blow with his signature “Cigar Slip” maneuver. The fight was declared a draw when both fighters ran out of breath.

2. Margaret Thatcher vs. Argentine Junta (1982)
   Fight Name: “The Falklands Face-Off”
   Instead of a prolonged military conflict over the Falklands, the ICC forced the Iron Lady to go toe-to-toe with the entire Argentine junta in a 3-on-1 tag-team match. Thatcher won by pile-driving General Galtieri through the announcer’s table.

3. George W. Bush vs. Saddam Hussein (2003, Underground Fight League Edition)
   Fight Name: “Weapons of Mass Destruction or Just a Good Right Hook?”
   While history tells us the U.S. launched an invasion of Iraq over WMDs, leaked reports suggest that Saddam was given the option to fight Bush in a Texas Death Match instead. He refused, claiming “fighting a Texan in a cowboy hat was unfair.”

4. Kim Jong-un vs. Dennis Rodman (2014, Exhibition Fight)
   Fight Name: “Friendship Falls Apart”
   The ICC initially planned to use Rodman’s influence to convince Kim to abandon his nuclear program, but when talks broke down, they threw both men into a steel cage. North Korean state media falsely reported that Kim won by “flying dragon fist,” but leaked footage shows Rodman landing an accidental elbow that knocked Kim out cold.

5. Zelenskyy vs. Putin (2022, Cancelled Due to Cowardice)
   Fight Name: “The Kyiv KO”
   When the ICC proposed an MMA fight to settle the Ukraine invasion, Zelenskyy agreed immediately. Putin refused unless he was allowed to fight shirtless on a horse. The ICC ruled this as “too ridiculous, even for us.”

Marcos vs. Duterte: The Philippines Joins the Roster

Now, history repeats itself as Ferdinand “Bongbong” Marcos Jr. and Rodrigo Duterte prepare to fight in the ICC’s latest legal-turned-physical brawl.

Experts say this might be the most brutal ICC fight yet, given that both contenders have strong family legacies and a deep-rooted hatred of being challenged.

Strengths and Weaknesses:

Gambling Odds (According to Underground Bettors)

• Duterte (-250 Favorite): Most gamblers believe the former president has the edge, given his background in violent rhetoric and street fights.
• Marcos Jr. (+300 Underdog): Some think he’s been hiding a secret “Ilocano Iron Fist” technique.
• Surprise Interference Bet (+1000): A wild Sara Duterte entering the cage with a steel chair is a dark horse bet.

What’s Next for ICC Fight Night?

The success of Marcos vs. Duterte means the ICC is already booking its next set of MMA fights:

• Joe Biden vs. Donald Trump: “The Geriatric Grand Prix”

  • Special rules: Fighters must take a break every 5 minutes to complain about taxes.

• Xi Jinping vs. The Dalai Lama: “The Tibetan Takeover”

  • Special rules: Dalai Lama can summon spiritual powers, Xi can call in a thousand NPCs from Chinese state media.

• Israel vs. Palestine: “The Tag Team of Doom”

  • Special rules: Fighters must actually listen to each other’s points before swinging.

Conclusion: The Future of Diplomacy?

Some critics argue that settling disputes via MMA fights is “barbaric” and “irresponsible.” However, given the alternative—long-winded political negotiations that never go anywhere—many people support the ICC’s underground approach.

A recent survey of world leaders found that 70% would rather risk a black eye than sit through another pointless UN conference. If that’s not a sign of success, what is?

Until then, Marcos vs. Duterte is the fight to watch—because in Philippine politics, the real battles aren’t won at the ballot box, they’re won in the ring.

Adam Schiff’s Tesla: The Self-Driving Political Machine That Runs on Indictments and Renewable Outrage

A Green New Grift: How Schiff’s Tesla Became the Most Controversial Car in D.C.

Washington, D.C., is no stranger to political scandals. We’ve seen everything from botched healthcare rollouts to mysteriously disappearing classified documents. But nothing has rocked the capital quite like the revelation that Representative Adam Schiff, the former impeachment king himself, now owns a Tesla.

That’s right. The man who once tried to impeach a president for a phone call now trusts his personal safety to a vehicle known for taking creative liberties with lane-keeping. Some say it’s a simple car purchase. Others believe it’s an elaborate deep-state maneuver to get him closer to Elon Musk, a man who, until recently, was as welcome in Democratic circles as a Chick-fil-A franchise.

But the real scandal? Schiff’s Tesla has divided the political landscape like a highway median at rush hour. Republicans are livid, liberals are confused, and Tesla itself is probably trying to figure out if this is good or bad PR.

Autopilot or Auto-Puppet? The Self-Driving Conspiracy Theory

Elon Musk’s vision for the future was simple: a self-driving car that could whisk you from point A to point B without human intervention. Sounds a lot like Schiff’s career, doesn’t it? Just program the talking points, and let the auto-responses handle the rest.

Sources close to the Congressman say he loves his Tesla’s Autopilot mode, which lets him sit back, relax, and draft new impeachment articles while the car dodges potholes and lobbyists. However, critics have raised serious concerns:

• What happens if the Tesla suddenly veers right? Will Schiff accuse it of Russian collusion?
• If the car refuses to move forward, is it obstructing Congress?
• Does the touchscreen have a special “override” button labeled “Whistleblower Mode”?

Some conspiracy theorists claim Schiff’s Tesla is actually a mobile intelligence hub, gathering data on every stop, every detour, and every suspicious meeting at Whole Foods. Could this be the first fully autonomous political operative?

Impeachment Mode: Tesla’s Latest Feature for Career Politicians

Rumors have surfaced that Schiff’s Tesla has a custom software update: “Impeachment Mode.” According to a leaked manual, this mode activates the following features:

1. Auto-Litigate – The car automatically drafts legal arguments every time another vehicle cuts it off.
2. Override Constitution – If Tesla senses a threat (such as a Fox News broadcast), it immediately shuts down and reroutes to a safer location, like NPR headquarters.
3. Whistleblower Alert System – If the car overhears an overheated political conversation at a charging station, it automatically reports it to the nearest ethics committee.
4. D.C. Traffic Filibuster – If caught in traffic, the car extends its battery life indefinitely, much like Schiff’s monologues during congressional hearings.

One Tesla engineer, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “We weren’t sure how to design a feature that just ‘keeps talking no matter what,’ but then we realized it was just a firmware update.”

Silence is Golden… Except in a Fully Electric Car

Schiff’s Tesla is as silent as a classified hearing, and that’s making people nervous. Washington thrives on noise—car horns, sirens, and the sound of senators screaming about the Constitution they haven’t read. But a car that moves without sound? That’s witchcraft.

A political consultant noted, “Schiff’s Tesla is a metaphor for modern politics: it’s completely silent until it crashes.”

And while the Congressman has fully embraced his new silent ride, staffers say he sometimes adds artificial noise to the car to make it feel more like home. Reports suggest he’s been testing a new sound package that includes:

• The gavel slamming from the House Intelligence Committee
• An endless loop of “I yield my time”
• The gentle hum of manufactured outrage

Tesla’s ‘Full Self-Driving’ Feature and Schiff’s Faith in Bureaucracy: A Perfect Match

Tesla’s Full Self-Driving (FSD) feature has been controversial, much like Schiff’s leadership style. Both rely heavily on pre-programmed logic, both make sweeping turns without warning, and both claim to be in control even when they clearly aren’t.

An AI researcher at MIT analyzed the similarities between Schiff and Tesla’s FSD mode:

• Schiff’s legal arguments: 85% confident but 40% accurate
• Tesla’s navigation: 85% confident but 40% accurate

“Both operate on a principle we call delayed accountability,” explained the researcher. “In other words, if something goes wrong, they just blame the previous administration.”

Charging the Grid… And the Political Landscape

Some Republican lawmakers are calling for an investigation into Schiff’s Tesla, suggesting it may be secretly funneling power from government-funded charging stations.

Senator Ted Cruz tweeted: “If Schiff’s Tesla is running on taxpayer electricity, that’s another impeachment-worthy offense. I demand a Senate inquiry!”

Meanwhile, progressives are struggling with their emotions. On one hand, Schiff is supporting green energy. On the other, Elon Musk is involved, which makes the whole thing… complicated. One Democratic strategist lamented, “It’s like if Bernie Sanders suddenly endorsed Bitcoin mining. We just don’t know how to feel.”

Is Schiff’s Tesla a Threat to National Security?

Some officials worry that Schiff’s Tesla could be exploited for intelligence gathering. A cybersecurity analyst pointed out:

• If the Tesla gets hacked, a foreign entity could monitor Schiff’s movements…
• …but then again, his schedule is probably just “D.C. to MSNBC and back.”
• If Autopilot malfunctions, it could drive Schiff straight to a bipartisan dinner—an event known to cause existential dread among career politicians.

Redefining ‘Whistleblower’ – The Car That Snitches

Given Schiff’s history with whistleblowers, some suspect his Tesla has been programmed to report infractions on the road. Sources claim his Model S has a feature called “Self-Righteous Mode”, which automatically notifies authorities if:

• Someone litters near a charging station
• A driver switches lanes without signaling
• A gas-powered car dares to park in an electric vehicle spot

One motorist complained, “I sneezed at a stoplight, and two seconds later, I got an email from a congressional ethics committee. This car is dangerous.”

A New Kind of Power Steering: Political Maneuvering in the Age of Electric Vehicles

For years, Schiff has been accused of steering the country in whatever direction suits his agenda. Now, his Tesla is doing the same thing—sometimes to the left, sometimes to the right, but mostly in circles.

Tesla engineers admit they’ve received several software complaints from the Congressman’s office, including:

• “Car refuses to acknowledge conservative traffic laws.”
• “Steering wheel feels rigged.”
• “Why doesn’t my Tesla respond to subpoenas?”

One frustrated mechanic added, “We told him that the car doesn’t run on hearsay. He said he’d have a panel investigate.”

Conclusion: The Future is Bright, But Only If You Can Afford It

At the end of the day, Adam Schiff’s Tesla is a symbol of modern America: expensive, polarized, and powered by an energy source that half the country doesn’t trust.

While some are outraged by his purchase, others see it as a hopeful sign—proof that even the most partisan politicians can find common ground with billionaire tech moguls, as long as the tax incentives are right.

For now, Schiff will continue to enjoy his silent, scandal-free commute through Washington. Unless, of course, Autopilot decides to take an unexpected detour… say, straight into a Mar-a-Lago fundraiser.

Because in politics, much like in self-driving technology, the road ahead is always uncertain.

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Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real Teslas, congressional hearings, or automated intelligence-gathering vehicles is purely coincidental… we think.

Chuck Schumer’s Master Plan: SHUT IT DOWN!!!

Accidentally Giving Libertarians Everything They Ever Wanted

Ah yes, Chuck Schumer, the man who wakes up every morning, puts on his best “serious politician” face, and accidentally proves every libertarian’s point. This time, he’s sounding the alarm that a government shutdown will stop Elon Musk. Because, obviously, the one thing standing between Musk and total world domination is whether Bob from the Federal Department of Paperclip Regulation gets his paycheck on time.

Let’s break this down. A government shutdown means only essential government employees work. So, let’s ask the question that no one in Washington ever wants to answer:

Why do we have non-essential government employees in the first place?

The Socialist Nightmare: A Government That Only Does What It’s Supposed to Do

Schumer’s argument is that without a fully functional government, important work like… um… well, we’re not exactly sure what, will come to a screeching halt.

This is terrible news for:

• The Department of Red Tape and Bureaucratic Delay
• The Office of Wasting Taxpayer Money on Studies About Whether Pigeons Like Jazz
• The Special Task Force on Making Everything Worse

The fact that the government has a category called “non-essential workers” is proof we’ve already lost the plot. Imagine a restaurant telling you, “Hey, we’re short-staffed tonight, so only the essential employees—like the chef and the servers—are here.” You’d think, “Wait, what were the other people doing before?”

The Perpetual Government Shutdown: America’s Bold New Plan

What if we just… never reopened?

Think about it. We only keep the things people actually need—like air traffic control, national defense, and maybe two people in the IRS to check on the guy still trying to claim his dog as a dependent. Everything else? Gone.

In the absence of unnecessary government, a few things might happen:

1. DMVs will vanish – In their place? Uber, self-check-in kiosks, and probably an NFT-based driver’s license because Musk will jump on it.
2. No more 47 different forms to start a business – Just a handshake and an “all right, go for it” from your neighbor.
3. Politicians will have to get real jobs – Imagine Elizabeth Warren as a Starbucks barista trying to explain to customers why their pumpkin spice latte is actually a form of wealth redistribution.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“A government shutdown means only ‘essential’ services continue. So, let me get this straight… we’ve been paying for non-essential services this whole time? That’s like subscribing to a gym just to rent the towel.” — Dave Chappelle

“Chuck Schumer says a shutdown will stop Elon Musk? Oh no! How will Musk ever survive without a $7,500 government subsidy on electric cars?” — Chris Rock

“If the government shuts down, how will they afford to keep investigating whether hot dogs are sandwiches?” — Jerry Seinfeld

The Inevitable Schumer Walkback

Of course, Schumer will eventually realize the flaw in his plan and say, “Wait, wait, wait! I didn’t mean to prove the small-government crowd right!” Then, they’ll scramble to reopen every single useless agency as fast as possible.

But for now, let’s enjoy the rare moment when Washington, D.C., accidentally demonstrates what limited government looks like… and it’s actually kind of great.

Possible Explanations for Chuck Schumer’s Thinking on the Government Shutdown

1. The “Genius 4D Chess Strategy” Theory

Schumer believes a government shutdown will backfire on Republicans because voters will panic without the Department of Making Things Complicated. The problem? Most Americans won’t even notice—except for the ones who suddenly find getting a fishing license takes five minutes instead of five months.

2. The “Scare the Base” Strategy

By yelling “THE GOVERNMENT IS SHUTTING DOWN!”, Schumer hopes people will freak out and forget that they already assume the government isn’t working anyway. His biggest miscalculation?

• Democrats: “Wait, we want big government, and it turns out half of it isn’t necessary?”
• Republicans: “Wait, we want small government, and Schumer just gave it to us?”

3. The “Musk Will Collapse Without Us” Theory

Schumer thinks Elon Musk will be paralyzed without government funding—as if SpaceX engineers spend their days calling bureaucrats for permission to use the restroom. This assumes Musk isn’t already ten steps ahead, building his own self-sustaining colony on Mars, where government shutdowns are a feature, not a bug.

4. The “Protect the Bureaucracy at All Costs” Move

Schumer is worried that if the government shuts down, Americans will realize something horrifying: nothing changes.

• The IRS will still audit the wrong people.
• The post office will still lose your package.
• TSA will still spend most of its time confiscating water bottles.
  Once people see that life goes on, how will he ever justify hiring another 87,000 IRS agents?

5. The Absurd “We Need More Government” Angle

Schumer’s logic: If the government shutting down is bad, then the only solution must be… more government!
Next thing you know, he’ll be proposing a new agency to monitor government shutdowns. The Bureau of Shutdown Prevention, which, ironically, will also be deemed non-essential in the next shutdown.

6. The “Schumer Thinks All Government is Essential” View

In Schumer’s mind, every government agency is vital, including:

• The National Endowment for the Study of Interpretive Dance in Congress
• The Federal Hot Dog Oversight Commission
• The Department of Making Everything Take Longer and Cost More
  If even one of these goes down, civilization collapses!

7. The “Government is Life Support” Belief

Schumer assumes that without the government, people will just sit in their houses, confused and helpless, staring at empty grocery store shelves, wondering why no one is there to tell them how to buy food. In reality, the only people who will truly suffer are the bureaucrats who now have to explain to their spouses why their job was deemed “not that important.”

8. The “Doomsday Scenario” Fearmongering

Schumer is hoping that people believe the shutdown will mean instant anarchy—as if the second the government stops issuing press releases, Marauding Gangs of Tesla Owners will take over the streets and demand everyone invest in Dogecoin.

9. The “It’s Trump’s Fault” Reflex

Schumer may simply be running on autopilot, knowing that no matter what happens, the media will be told to say, “Well, you know, somehow… this is all Trump’s fault.”

10. The “Dementia or Just a Broken NPC Script?” Question

It’s possible Schumer is just stuck in a bureaucratic time loop, repeating the same “government good, shutdown bad” script from 1995 without realizing that:

• The world has changed.
• The internet makes people far less dependent on government.
• His own party is no longer sure big government is working.
  If he keeps malfunctioning, expect a software update soon.

11. The “Too Many Donors to Please” Syndrome

Schumer may have too many lobbyists on hold, each begging him to end the shutdown because their lucrative federally funded nonsense project is now in jeopardy. It’s hard to keep them all happy when half of them don’t even know what their agency actually does.

12. The “You Just Don’t Understand Government” Defense

He might be so deeply embedded in Washington culture that he genuinely believes the country can’t function without a fully operational Office of Diversity in Sandwiches. To normal people, this is absurd. To Schumer? It’s a crisis.

13. The “Schumer Thinks People Will Notice He’s Useless” Paranoia

There’s a chance Schumer is terrified that a shutdown will prove Congress itself is non-essential. If people see the country running just fine without him, they might start asking, “Wait, what does Schumer even do all day?”

14. The “Can’t Admit Republicans Did Something Right” Conundrum

If Republicans wanted to shut down the government, then by default, Schumer must be against it. Even if it turns out to be the best thing to happen to America since sliced bread, he must pretend it’s a disaster to avoid giving them credit.

15. The “Perpetual Government Growth” Addiction

Schumer has been in Washington so long that he doesn’t know how not to grow government. His brain is hardwired to expand agencies like a government-subsidized balloon. The idea of a government that stops growing—even for a second—is a thought too horrifying to comprehend.

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Conclusion: What’s Really Going on in Schumer’s Head?

Schumer is either:

• A political genius playing the long game (unlikely).
• An outdated bureaucratic relic who doesn’t realize people are over the whole “big government” thing (much more likely).
• A man desperately afraid people will realize we don’t need 90% of Washington, D.C.

Either way, the only people panicking about the government shutdown are bureaucrats, lobbyists, and politicians who just realized they might be obsolete. The rest of America? We’re doing just fine.

​The Many Emails of Joe Biden: A Masterclass in Digital Diplomacy and Family Newsletters

An Exclusive Look into the Highly Secure Inbox of “Robert L. Peters”

Once upon a time, in the mysterious world of government email servers, an ancient practice was born. It was called following cybersecurity protocols. This sacred ritual ensured that classified information remained, well, classified. But as history has taught us, why bother with protocol when you can have a little fun with aliases, private servers, and the occasional CC to your kids?

Yes, dear readers, the ghost of private email scandals past has returned—this time, haunting President Joe Biden. Reports indicate that during his tenure as Vice President, Biden was a master of email disguise, using pseudonyms like Robert L. Peters, Robin Ware, and JRB Ware to communicate government business. You know, just your average, everyday, totally normal vice-presidential behavior.

This revelation raises many questions, including:

• How many other cool spy names did Biden consider before settling on these?
• Was “P. Thagoras” taken?
• And most importantly, how many of these emails were just ordering ice cream?

Thankfully, SpinTaxi investigative reporters have taken a deep dive into this email mystery. We uncovered the hidden messages, examined the digital breadcrumbs, and—after only minor intervention from heavily armed government agents—compiled the most shocking, scandalous, and utterly absurd truths behind Joe Biden’s secret inbox.

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A Secure Government Server? Never Heard of Her.

You know who doesn’t use private emails for classified government business? People who aren’t trying to hide things. But let’s be fair—maybe the government IT department took too long setting up Biden’s official email. Or maybe, just maybe, he forgot the password to his White House login and figured, “Eh, I’ll just use my AOL account.”

What’s the worst that could happen?

Of course, we can’t be too harsh. After all, using a government email means dealing with things like security checks, encryption, and—God forbid—accountability. No one wants to go through the hassle of remembering a 16-character password with uppercase letters, numbers, and special characters when “1234joescranton” works just fine.

Besides, it’s not like Robert L. Peters was discussing anything sensitive on his secret accounts. Just everyday political chatter, maybe the occasional arms deal logistics, and definitely not forwarding State Department briefings to his son, Hunter. No, of course not.

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The Family-Friendly Approach to Government Transparency

One of the more interesting revelations is that some of these emails found their way into Hunter Biden’s inbox.

Yes, the same Hunter Biden who, at various points in life, has been an artist, energy executive, memoirist, amateur videographer, and—allegedly—the nation’s foremost expert in misplacing laptops.

Now, let’s take a moment to consider how this likely happened:

1. Joe Biden: “Hey, Hunter, you might be interested in this email.”
2. Hunter: “Dad, this is about Ukrainian energy policy.”
3. Joe Biden: “Yeah, I know. Cool, huh?”

It’s called family bonding, people. Some dads throw a baseball with their kids; others forward them classified briefings on international affairs. To each their own.

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Spy Movie or Senior Citizen Email Fiasco?

While some might see Biden’s email aliases as a scandal, others see it as an opportunity. Specifically, an opportunity for a Hollywood thriller:

Title: Alias: The Scranton Spy
Plot: A mild-mannered Vice President, codenamed Robert L. Peters, navigates the dark corridors of Washington, dodging cybersecurity protocols and cc’ing his son in international negotiations. When an evil whistleblower threatens to expose his secret Gmail account, he must delete all emails before it’s too late.
Tagline: “Some secrets should stay in the drafts folder.”

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The Art of the Alias: What’s in a Name?

The selection of an alias is a deeply personal choice. It must strike a delicate balance between secrecy and believability. “Robert L. Peters” suggests a distinguished, yet forgettable man—perhaps a retired insurance salesman or a guy who gets overly passionate about birdwatching.

Other potential Biden aliases that might have been rejected include:

• John P. PuddingLover – A nod to his well-documented fondness for tapioca.
• ScrantonShadow69 – A little too conspicuous, and Hunter probably stole it first.
• CornpopRevenge87 – Vetoed due to excessive coolness.
• EmailKingJoe – Too obvious.
• Biden_OG_420 – No comment.

A well-crafted alias can mean the difference between a political scandal and a seamless email experience. Just ask Hillary “I Did Nothing Wrong” Clinton.

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Classified Information? Let’s Keep It Casual!

As expected, these emails weren’t just about scheduling. According to reports, some messages contained discussions of Ukraine-related matters while Hunter Biden was serving on the board of a Ukrainian energy company. But don’t worry—this was totally fine because he was an energy expert.

Let’s take a moment to reflect on Hunter’s vast experience in the energy sector:

• Once turned off a light switch.
• Looked at an oil rig in a documentary once.
• Knows what gasoline smells like.

Yep, checks out. Nothing suspicious about a Vice President’s son receiving government emails about Ukraine while working at a Ukrainian energy company. Nothing to see here.

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The Cybersecurity Implications: A Lesson in Email Safety

Now, cybersecurity experts might have a few small concerns about a high-ranking official bypassing government servers for personal email use. Among them:

• Potential hacking risk – Because nothing says “safe” like sending top-level government information through the same network as 15% off Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
• Lack of oversight – Government emails are archived for a reason. Private Gmail accounts are archived only until you “accidentally” delete them.
• Increased phishing vulnerability – Imagine a Russian hacker emailing “Robert L. Peters” pretending to be “Cornpop’s ghost,” asking for classified intelligence.

But hey, who needs secure government systems when you have the raw power of Yahoo Mail?

Public Reaction: America’s Take on the Email Extravaganza 

As more details emerge about Biden’s *Secret Alias Email Club, *Americans have begun reacting in truly patriotic fashion—by arguing about it on the internet. We took a deep dive into Twitter, Facebook, and Nextdoor (for the real political battleground) to find out what the people are saying:

• @PatriotEagle_76: “First Hillary, now Biden? At this point, my grandma’s AOL inbox might have national secrets in it.”
• @ILoveJoeIceCream: “So what? My dad still uses his old Hotmail account for work emails. Big deal!”
• @HunterIsMyHero: “Wait, are we sure Hunter wasn’t just Biden’s IT guy? This could explain a lot.”
• Random Nextdoor User: “Anyone else get an email from ‘Robert L. Peters’ about a lost cat?”

Even Congress got in on the fun. During a recent press briefing, one Republican senator declared, “This is worse than Watergate.” Meanwhile, a Democratic representative countered, “Look, folks, it’s just emails! Who among us hasn’t sent a classified briefing to their son by accident?”

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White House Damage Control: The Official Response

As expected, the White House quickly issued an official statement, which reads as follows:

“The President, in his long and distinguished career, has always maintained the highest standards of transparency. Any claims suggesting he used email aliases for anything other than standard scheduling purposes are absurd and unfounded. Additionally, we would like to remind Americans that ice cream remains delicious and that the President still enjoys it.”

Yes, that was a real addition to the statement. The Biden administration understands the importance of distracting the American public with dairy products.

Meanwhile, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre faced a barrage of questions during her daily briefing:

Reporter: “Can the administration confirm whether Biden used these email aliases for classified information?”
Jean-Pierre: “Listen, the President uses many tools to conduct business. I also have multiple email accounts—one for work, one for online shopping, and one for signing up for free trials of streaming services.”

Reporter: “Did Hunter Biden have access to these emails?”
Jean-Pierre: “Hunter Biden is a private citizen. The President is also a private citizen. We are all private citizens. We will not be commenting further.”

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The National Security Angle: How Not to Handle Classified Info

While some experts remain calm about the revelation, cybersecurity professionals are not thrilled.

We reached out to cybersecurity expert Dr. Malcolm Firewell, who gave a very measured response:

“This is insanity. We have entire federal agencies dedicated to securing classified communications, and here we have a Vice President using a Yahoo account? He might as well have just written national security briefings on Post-it Notes and left them at Starbucks.”

Another expert, Dr. Linda Encryptson, compared it to past scandals:

“You know, for years, we made fun of Hillary Clinton’s ‘homebrew server,’ but this? This is like putting classified documents on a MySpace page and hoping nobody notices.”

To add some historical context, let’s take a quick look at past email-related government debacles:

One cybersecurity official, speaking anonymously, told SpinTaxi:

“Honestly, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Biden’s Netflix password is also his nuclear launch code.”

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The Bigger Issue: The Government’s Email Problem

This scandal isn’t just about Biden—it’s about a longstanding government tradition: not knowing how email works.

For some reason, top government officials have historically struggled with the concept of email security. Some common issues include:

• Not using government emails because they “forgot the password.”
• Forwarding classified documents like they’re funny cat videos.
• Clicking on phishing emails because “the Prince of Nigeria seemed really convincing.”

Maybe it’s time we get our politicians a basic cybersecurity course. Or at the very least, hire an intern to explain how email works.

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The Hunter Factor: A Convenient Family Email List

The most questionable part of this whole situation is why Hunter Biden was included in government emails.

Now, in fairness, maybe Joe Biden just wanted to keep his son in the loop. Perhaps these were just fun little family newsletters:

• Subject: “WH Staff Picks for Best Philly Cheesesteaks”
• Subject: “Who’s Running for President in 2024? (It’s Me!)”
• Subject: “Reminder: Don’t Reply to Foreign Business Deals Using Your .gov Email!”

Of course, the emails about Ukraine-related matters while Hunter was working with a Ukrainian energy company? Yeah, that’s a bit harder to explain.

When asked, Biden responded:

“Look, folks, my son is a smart guy. He’s a businessman, he’s got experience. Does he need to know about national energy policies? Maybe. Maybe not. But did I want to share that information with my son, just like I share my love of ice cream? Absolutely.”

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How Does This Compare to Other Email Scandals?

Let’s be real: every politician at this point has an email scandal.

• Hillary Clinton’s Emails – 33,000 deleted messages, a homebrew server, and enough drama to fuel five years of cable news.
• Trump’s Emails – Used an unsecured personal phone, sent documents to people who shouldn’t have them, but somehow, nobody cared as much.
• Biden’s Emails – Used aliases to bypass government servers, accidentally cc’d his son on foreign affairs, and named himself “Robert L. Peters.”

Each scandal follows the same formula:

1. Emails are discovered.
2. Politicians deny wrongdoing.
3. The internet makes memes.
4. Everyone forgets about it in two weeks when the next crisis happens.

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What the Funny People Are Saying (Again, Because This Deserves More Jokes)

“Joe Biden using secret email aliases? This is the least surprising thing since we found out politicians don’t know how Facebook works.” — Bill Burr

“First Hillary’s emails, now Biden’s aliases. What’s next? Kamala’s secret MySpace page with classified dance videos?” — John Oliver

“I just hope at least ONE of those emails was about ordering an ice cream cake for himself.” — Trevor Noah

“Hunter Biden’s in those emails? Man, I bet half of them are just, ‘Dad, can you send money?’” — Dave Chappelle

“You’d think after Hillary’s emails, politicians would have learned, but nope! Next up: Kamala’s top-secret TikTok account.” — Bill Maher

“How many private emails does a politician need before they just start writing things on bar napkins and passing them around?” — Trevor Noah

“I don’t trust any politician who has more than one email. I barely trust myself with the one I have.” — John Mulaney

“Biden had secret emails? Good for him. My dad still thinks ‘The Google’ is one website.” — Hasan Minhaj

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Helpful Content: A Guide to Not Getting Caught in an Email Scandal

If you’re a politician and you must send classified info, here’s a foolproof strategy:

1. Don’t use email at all – Have a carrier pigeon trained to self-destruct if intercepted.
2. Use Snapchat – At least the messages disappear. (Or so you think.)
3. Write everything in emojis – “Nuclear codes” →
4. Hand-deliver messages using interpretive dance – Confusing, but untraceable.
5. Accept that everything you type will eventually be leaked – So just own it.

If you ever find yourself in a high-ranking position and need a secret email, here are some quick tips:

1. Pick a Forgettable Name – Something like Tom Borington or Steve From Accounting.
2. Avoid Numbers – “CoolGuy2005” is a dead giveaway.
3. Use a Government-Sounding Email Provider – Nothing screams “official” like @statebusinessmail.info.gov
4. Don’t CC Your Family – Especially if they have a history of losing laptops.
5. Delete Responsibly – If caught, just claim you “accidentally” wiped the server with a sponge.

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Conclusion: Will Anything Actually Happen?

At the end of the day, what will come of this email scandal? Probably… nothing.

Politicians are like cats: no matter how many times they get caught knocking things over (or deleting emails), they just walk away like it never happened.

Meanwhile, the American public will continue pretending to be outraged until the next scandal arrives. Maybe in a few months, we’ll find out Biden was secretly texting world leaders using a burner phone labeled “Joe’s Pizza.”

Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s this: nobody in Washington understands how technology works.

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Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. If you receive an email from Robert L. Peters, please report it as spam.

Email exchange between President Barack Obama and President Joe Biden, discussing the very basics of handling classified materials.

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Subject: Re: How Classified Material is Processed and Protected

From: Barack Obama (obama44@whitehouse.gov)
To: Joe Biden (robertlpeters47@yahoo.com)

Hey Joe,

I got your email. First, please stop using your private Yahoo account for this stuff. I told you that in 2009.

Now, let’s go over some basic rules for handling classified materials—again.

1. Use secure government servers – The ones built for classified information. Not Hotmail. Not AOL. Definitely not an old MySpace page you forgot about.
2. Do NOT forward classified emails to Hunter – No matter how much he asks.
3. Shredders exist for a reason – But not the one in your garage next to the old Corvette.
4. Classified means CLASSIFIED – If a document says TOP SECRET, that doesn’t mean it’s okay to show it to Jill over dinner.
5. No reading aloud to Corn Pop – If he’s even still around.

Let me know if you need me to write this down on a Post-it for you.

• Barack

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From: Joe Biden (robertlpeters47@yahoo.com)
To: Barack Obama (obama44@whitehouse.gov)

Barry,

Great to hear from you, man! Love the list—reminds me of that time we had lunch with Strom Thurmond. Or was it Nelson Mandela? Either way, great times.

Listen, I hear what you’re saying, but I got a few questions.

1. So when I need to email classified stuff, you’re saying Gmail isn’t secure? Even if I put “DO NOT HACK” in the subject line?
2. If I accidentally leave a few classified folders in my garage, is that a big deal? I mean, it’s locked—Jill keeps the key.
3. Hunter asked me to CC him on some Ukraine stuff. That’s okay, right? It’s just energy policy, and he knows about energy—he drives a Tesla now.
4. I sent some nuclear codes to my old Hotmail by accident. Who do I call to unsend them?
5. If I delete an email, does that mean it’s…gone? Or do I need to shred the laptop too?

Thanks, pal. You’re a great mentor. Love you like a brother, man.

• Joey

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From: Barack Obama (obama44@whitehouse.gov)
To: Joe Biden (robertlpeters47@yahoo.com)

Joe,

Oh my God.

First off, no, putting “DO NOT HACK” in the subject line does not make an email secure. That’s like writing “DO NOT STEAL” on a bag of cash and leaving it in an alley.

Second, yes, leaving classified materials in your garage is a problem. Especially if it’s next to your exercise bike that hasn’t been used since 2013.

Third, NO, Hunter should not be CC’d on government emails. He is not the Secretary of Energy, no matter what he tells people at cocktail parties.

Fourth, WHAT NUCLEAR CODES, JOE?!

And finally, no, deleting an email doesn’t erase it forever. That’s not how anything works.

I need to go lie down.

• Barack

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From: Joe Biden (robertlpeters47@yahoo.com)
To: Barack Obama (obama44@whitehouse.gov)

Barry,

Got it. No Gmail. No Hunter. No garages. No nuclear codes.

Follow-up question: If I lose a few classified documents, do I report it? Or just act surprised when someone finds them? Asking for a friend.

By the way, my Yahoo keeps saying my password is weak. What’s a good strong password? “RobertLPeters2024”? Or should I go with “PuddingLover123”?

Appreciate your help, buddy. You always were the smart one.

• Joey

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From: Barack Obama (obama44@whitehouse.gov)
To: Joe Biden (robertlpeters47@yahoo.com)

Joe.

I’m sending someone over.

Right now.

Please do not touch anything.

• Barack