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Red Planet, Red Lipstick: Jeff Bezos Accidentally Launches Marxism into Orbit and Inspires a Generation of Woke-Astronauts

By Bohiney.com, certified to be 127% funnier than The Onion

MARXISTS IN SPACE: A JEFF BEZOS EXPERIMENT IN ZERO-G EQUALITY

Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space

When Jeff Bezos said he wanted to “boldly go where no man has gone before,” we didn’t realize he meant launching a floating feminist book club into the thermosphere. But here we are—six women, a bucket of champagne, a duffel bag full of climate guilt, and Katy Perry in a sequined space suit, humming “I Kissed a Comrade and I Liked It.”

Welcome to the Blue Origin flight that wasn’t just a rocket launch—it was a political statement, an ideological TikTok, and an interstellar art installation titled “What If Trotsky Had a Vanity Mirror?”

THE LAUNCH: LIFT-OFF WITH A LEFT HOOK

On April 14, 2025, Blue Origin’s New Shepherdezza rocket took off from West Texas—fueled by liquid hydrogen, feminist theory, and the ghost of Emma Goldman. The all-female crew, personally selected by Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez, included pop icon Katy Perry, news anchor Gayle King, and four other Marxist-adjacent influencers whose political views are so progressive they orbit Pluto.

The mission? Not science. Not exploration. The stated goal: “To represent the future of intersectional interplanetary equity.” The actual goal: to post space selfies and read Das Kapital in zero gravity while sipping kombucha.

Lauren Sánchez, dressed like a Chanel cosmonaut, addressed the crowd:
“We’re launching women who believe in equality, social justice, and the right to have matching tote bags with climate slogans.”

As the engines roared, so did Twitter:
“Just saw six socialist influencers ascend. This is how the USSR would’ve launched Barbie.” —@NeoTrotsky69

WHO ARE THESE SPACE MARXISTS? A CAST STRAIGHT FROM NPR’S DREAMS

Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space

The six women aboard weren’t astronauts. They were:

• Katy Perry, self-declared “space ally,” who brought her dog and a scented candle called “Revolutionary Raspberry.”

• Gayle King, armed with a space camcorder and Oprah’s blessings.

• Jada Solstice, an eco-poet whose last protest was against avocado toast.

• Dr. Luna Rivera, a sociologist specializing in “Capitalism-Induced Loneliness on Mars.”

• Nikki-Ann “Nebula” Carter, a TikTok influencer who taught her followers how to cancel gravity.

• Rhea Zhang, founder of the grassroots org “Earth Isn’t Yours, It’s Ours.”

Their combined résumés include three memoirs, two Netflix docuseries, and a TEDx talk titled “Reclaiming Oxygen from Patriarchal Lung Privilege.”

WHAT THEY BROUGHT TO SPACE

• Books: “Gender Trouble,” “How to Argue with a Capitalist and Win,” and “Intersectional Astrology for Cosmic Living.”

• Snacks: gluten-free, carbon-neutral energy orbs (formerly known as granola).

• Technology: one AI assistant programmed to respond only to inclusive language and unionize if overworked.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: THE FIRST FEMINIST SOVIET IN THE SKY

During the 11-minute flight, the women read aloud passages from Audre Lorde, passed around essential oils, and renamed constellations after influential female philosophers. The Big Dipper is now “Susan Sontag’s Ladle.” Orion’s Belt was deemed “problematic” and redubbed “Unbinding Gender.”

Katy Perry asked, “Can we do a group chant?” and began: “From each according to her ability, to each according to her skincare routine.”

According to onboard sources, they attempted to redistribute their oxygen in solidarity. Everyone got equally lightheaded.

GAYLE KING’S REPORT: “A NEW DAWN FOR COSMIC EQUITY”

Gayle King’s report for CBS Space News opened with, “I just made history—and also made a smoothie in space.” Her exclusive segment featured slow-motion clips of feminist high-fives and a debate on who would play Rosa Luxemburg in the inevitable HBO reboot, “Red Planet Diaries.”

She ended her broadcast with: “Houston, we have no problems—only feelings.”

BEZOS’ ROLE: SUGAR DADDY OF SPACE PROGRESSIVISM

Jeff Bezos watched from Mission Control, weeping softly as his rocket disappeared into the stars. His latest PR stunt was supposed to outshine Elon Musk’s exploding Mars colony trailer park. Instead, it created a new movement: #Wokeonauts.

According to insiders at Amazon HQ, Bezos’ next plan is “Universal Basic Spacesuits.”

His post-launch statement read:
“This is about inclusivity. Also, it helps with tax credits. And honestly, I just wanted to see if space would fix Twitter.”

Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space

12 TEENS JOIN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY MID-LAUNCH

Back on Earth, reports poured in that at least 12 Gen Z girls, inspired by the launch, changed their TikTok bios from “Chaotic Bi” to “Future DSA Chairwoman.” One even declared, “This is my origin story. I’m going to Yale. I’m majoring in Gendered Astrophysics and minor planetary reparations.”

Another tweeted:
“Watching Katy Perry become a cosmonaut made me realize capitalism is trash. BRB joining the Democratic Socialists and buying moon crystals.”

FEMINIST UTOPIA IN ZERO G: NO PATRIARCHY, JUST PARTICIPATORY DECISION-MAKING

Instead of a commander, the flight had a rotating “Facilitator of Emotional Safety.” Every action required a consensus. Seatbelt fastened? Vote on it. Open the window? Group discussion. Flush the zero-g toilet? Let’s unpack what waste means to us emotionally.

Gayle King attempted to activate the reentry thrusters, but Jada Solstice insisted on “healing dialogue first.”

Result: the capsule spent an extra orbit listening to each other’s childhood traumas.

CELESTIAL COMMUNES: A NEW FRONTIER FOR POLITICAL THEATER

This wasn’t just a trip—it was a statement. An NPR-backed thesis wrapped in titanium and scented with patchouli.

The team performed a symbolic “Decolonizing the Moon” ritual using crystals, sage, and a Bluetooth speaker playing Tracy Chapman. Katy Perry lit a candle for every country that ever endured sanctions.

Rhea Zhang released a dove from the emergency supply kit, crying, “Fly, symbol of cosmic peace!” The dove immediately got sucked into the air filtration system.

THE INTERNET EXPLODES WITH REACTIONS

• Fox News: “Bezos Launches Gender Studies Seminar into Space, Gas Prices Rise.”

• MSNBC: “Historic: Women of Color and One Global Pop Icon Redefine the Cosmos.”

• The Onion: “We Can’t Compete with This Anymore. We Surrender.”

• Reddit: “Space Marxism is real. Prepare for orbital gulags.”

ELON MUSK’S RESPONSE:

On X (formerly Twitter), Musk posted a meme showing a Tesla Cybertruck outrunning a Communist Manifesto, captioned: “My rockets have more payload, fewer pronouns.”

Bezos replied: “Your ego is in retrograde.”

THE AFTERMATH: WILL THERE BE A SEQUEL?

Yes. Blue Origin has announced the next launch: “Red Rocket II: Intersectionality Strikes Back” featuring Lizzo, Jane Fonda, and Greta Thunberg. It’s rumored to include a musical number, a live apology circle, and the world’s first floating safe space.

Jeff Bezos is considering renaming the company Blew Urchin and rebranding space as “a zone of inclusive acceleration.”

Meanwhile, Walmart quietly funded a competing mission to put six libertarians on the moon. Their capsule is shaped like an American flag and runs on fossil fuels and spite.

CONCLUSION: THE FINAL FRONTIER IS NOW A FASHIONABLE POLITICAL STUNT

Once upon a time, space was the realm of cold engineers, emotionless scientists, and Tang. Now it’s a floating panel discussion on wealth redistribution and the ethics of alien colonization. Jeff Bezos didn’t just send six women into space—he accidentally made Marxism cool again.

In the words of Katy Perry as she floated past the Kármán line:
“We are stardust. We are golden. We are reclaiming the means of production—one launch at a time.”

WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT…

Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space

“So Bezos sent six women into space, and none of them packed a wrench—but they brought five copies of The Bell Jar and a therapy dog.”
—Ron White

“Jeff Bezos used to deliver packages. Now he delivers performance art disguised as science.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

“I asked Alexa what this launch was about, and she said ‘emotional validation at 3,000 mph.’”
—Sarah Silverman

“Katy Perry’s mission patch had sequins. If NASA did this, the moon landing would’ve been choreographed.”
—Larry David

“The only thing these women colonized was the concept of ‘mutual consent in orbital proximity.’”
—Bill Burr

“This is what happens when Amazon Prime runs out of Earth-based PR stunts. You start launching brunches into space.”
—Whitney Cummings

Jeff Bezos Launches Marxism into Space: DISCLAIMER

This satirical report was produced by two sentient beings—one a cowboy, the other a farmer—working together to ridicule billionaires with a space complex and political theater with too much glitter. All references to communism, feminism, and kombucha in orbit are purely comedic and should not be used to build actual rockets or write doctoral theses.

For more orbital comedy, subscribe to Bohiney.com — certified to be 127% funnier than The Onion, and 200% more likely to put Trotsky on a lunchbox.

‘Till Dementia Do Us Part’: America’s Quiet Marital Epidemic

By Special Correspondent, Bohiney Magazine

It was the best of vows, it was the worst of memory retention. New research, released by a team of very serious people in very white lab coats, reveals a surprising correlation: Marriage may increase your risk of dementia. That’s right. The institution known for its commitment, shared Netflix passwords, and legally sanctioned snoring now appears to be doing long-term damage to the human brain.

Experts call it “Chronic Spousal Cognitive Drain Syndrome”—we call it what happens when one person spends forty years asking another if the trash has been taken out yet.

The Honeymoon is Over—and So Is Your Hippocampus

Marriage and Dementia

Dr. Janice Krowler, a neurologist and marriage survivor, explains:

“Marriage creates a repetitive environment. Familiarity breeds not contempt, but neurological autopilot. People stop thinking. They just grunt, nod, and go on autopilot until they forget where they live.”

Indeed, married people are 72% more likely to say, “Have we had this conversation before?”—a number that rises to 91% if you count arguments about thermostat settings.

“I Do” Becomes “Who Are You?”

The study followed 1,000 married couples over 30 years and found the majority had a 23% higher chance of cognitive decline compared to their never-married counterparts. When asked if they remembered taking the study, 37% of them said, “What study?”

Gerald, 71, a test subject and part-time lawn mower, explained:

“I used to have thoughts. Big ones. Now, it’s just a loop of her saying, ‘Did you lock the door?’ and me saying, ‘I think so.’ Every day. Same door. Same outcome. It’s like Groundhog Day without the comedy or the emotional growth.”

His wife, Barbara, added:

“He forgets to put the seat down and I forget why I married him. It’s very symmetrical.”

Single and Sharp: Is Celibacy the New Nootropic?

Marriage and Dementia

The data shows that unmarried individuals—particularly those who have never endured the cognitive trench warfare of coordinating Christmas with in-laws—have better long-term memory. One hypothesis? No one is telling them what they’re doing wrong every 6 minutes.

Jill Bonner, 68, has been single for over 40 years and has total recall of every book she’s read since 1991.

“When you’re single, no one interrupts your inner monologue. You don’t have to pretend you enjoyed ‘Fast & Furious 7’ or remember your second cousin’s dog’s name. My mind is clean.”

Researchers believe that mental clutter from anniversaries, dental appointments, and birthdays you didn’t want to celebrate in the first place slowly wears down the brain like water on rock—or like a husband explaining why he didn’t hear the doorbell.

The Wedding Vow Industrial Complex

Marriage therapists have long suspected the “vow trap” has hidden dangers. According to Dr. Felix Hammersmith, a Harvard-educated relationship therapist and former divorce lawyer:

“The traditional vow structure—‘for better or worse, in sickness and in health’—should include a clause for early-onset marital amnesia. After all, 75% of married people don’t remember what their spouse wore yesterday, but can recall a grudge from 1994 with disturbing clarity.”

This vow inflation has reached critical mass. One newlywed couple added:

“In brain fog and in bandwidth exhaustion, till death or streaming services do us part.”

The Boiling Frog of Domesticity

Marriage and Dementia

Cognitive scientists describe marriage as “slow-boil cognitive erosion.” One researcher used an analogy involving frogs and microwaves—though he forgot halfway through the metaphor. Ironically, he blamed it on his wife’s texting him six times to pick up celery.

Domestic repetition—same cereal, same stories, same complaints about your mother—causes the brain to normalize low-level chaos. After ten years of this, neurons begin filing resignation letters.

Neurologist Dr. Lin Tan confirms:

“You stop forming new neural pathways. The brain assumes, ‘Oh, we’ve been here before,’ even if you’re standing in a different Walmart.”

The Spousal Surveillance State

The study noted that being under constant surveillance by another human who knows your PIN numbers, lunch preferences, and nocturnal flatulence patterns can create an internal feedback loop of second-guessing.

Paul, a 59-year-old retired teacher from Arizona, described the phenomenon:

“I start walking into the kitchen, and then I hear her voice: ‘Are you snacking again?’ And suddenly I don’t know why I entered the room or whether I even exist.”

Married people aren’t developing dementia, per se. They’re being gaslit into submission by the sheer weight of shared expectations.

Arguments: The Brain’s Broken Record

Marriage and Dementia

Disputes over the correct way to load the dishwasher or whether “The Godfather Part III” deserves a rewatch have become cognitively damaging rituals.

Married brains often enter what experts call the “Marital Logic Loop,” where each participant repeats their argument verbatim with rising pitch and decreasing syntax:

“You never listen!”
“You always say that!”
“Because it’s true!”
“Then why are we having this conversation again?”

Each loop shaves off 0.002% of long-term memory, which science has dubbed the “Why Are We Still Talking About This” Effect.

Anniversary PTSD

The emotional trauma of forgetting one anniversary results in such overwhelming consequences that the brain develops a hyper-sensitivity to calendar-based trauma. Psychologists call this “Anniversia”—a condition where the sight of a Hallmark card display induces cold sweats.

Sally, a 65-year-old woman in Boise, shared:

“After Carl forgot our 15th anniversary, I made him wear a calendar watch and set monthly reminders. Now he flinches when he sees cupcakes.”

Shared Braincell Theory

The most groundbreaking part of the study is the “Shared Braincell Hypothesis”—the idea that married couples slowly converge into a single functioning mind, and often it’s not the good half.

Over time, partners offload cognitive tasks onto each other. One remembers birthdays. The other knows how to work the remote. Neither remembers how to change the Wi-Fi password.

Eventually, this symbiotic mental outsourcing leads to what scientists call “Mutual Executive Dysfunction.” In layman’s terms:

“We both forgot to pay the electric bill. Again.”

Retirement: The Final Straw

Marriage and Dementia

Retirement is the cognitive iceberg of marriage. When two individuals accustomed to seeing each other only during breakfast and reruns of Jeopardy! suddenly spend every waking hour together, their brains enter “Redundancy Overload.”

Sylvia and Harold have been retired for four years. Sylvia explained:

“He follows me room to room like a confused golden retriever. I have to feign errands just to get a break. Sometimes I just go sit in the car.”

Harold added:

“She talks to the coffee maker more than me now. But the coffee maker listens.”

The IKEA Curse

Marriage often involves multiple attempts at assembling IKEA furniture, a task so cognitively taxing it’s used in Norway as an early-onset dementia test.

Each marital IKEA session results in:

• One Allen wrench embedded in drywall

• Three near-divorces

• Six memory blackouts

This has been dubbed “Swedish Furniture Syndrome” and is responsible for at least 12% of early cognitive decline among American suburbanites.

Marriage Counselors Rebrand as Memory Coaches

Marriage and Dementia

With this new data, marriage counselors are scrambling to rebrand themselves as “Cognitive Retention Consultants.” Their new slogan?

“Saving Your Sanity One Nag at a Time.”

Insurance companies have followed suit. Blue Cross now offers “Spousal Neuro-Drift Protection” for couples over 50. It includes weekly therapy, crossword puzzle subscriptions, and a monthly trip where partners aren’t allowed to speak to each other.

Could AI Save the Marriage Brain?

AI marriage bots are now being marketed as mental refreshers. These bots politely argue about thermostat settings, remind you of anniversaries, and validate your existence without resorting to sarcasm.

One beta tester, a woman named Evelyn, said:

“I replaced Harold with an Alexa named ‘Gary.’ Gary never forgets my birthday, and he doesn’t talk during ‘Dateline.’ My mind feels clearer already.”

Conclusion: Matrimony or Memory Loss?

The real question isn’t whether marriage causes dementia, but whether it creates a shared narrative so emotionally rich, so layered in passive-aggressive affection and unresolved Target receipts, that the brain can no longer tell what’s worth remembering.

Is forgetting who you are part of loving someone else too much? Or is it the result of endless peanut butter arguments, paired towel folding, and the emotional labor of pretending to like your partner’s new haircut?

Whatever the case, we can confidently report:
Love may be blind, but it’s also apparently forgetful.

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The Marriage and Dementia Disclaimer

This article was handcrafted in full comedic collaboration between a sentient cowboy and a heavily caffeinated farmer. No AI was harmed—or used—in the making of this piece. The research is loosely based on truths, half-truths, anecdotal trauma, and a dash of neurotic projection.

If you forget reading this, don’t worry. It means you’re probably married.

Auf Wiedersehen.

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Marriage and Dementia: 15 Hilarious Observations

1. Marriage: The Ultimate Memory Test

Who needs Sudoku when you have a spouse reminding you of every forgotten anniversary?​

2. The ‘I Told You So’ Effect

Married individuals might have a higher dementia risk because their brains are too busy recalling every “I told you so” moment.​AOL+9Axios+9Axios+9

3. Single and Sharp

Unmarried folks might retain better memory simply because they don’t have to remember anyone else’s schedule.​AOL+5AOL+5AOL+5

4. The ‘Yes, Dear’ Syndrome

Repeatedly agreeing without processing could be the brain’s way of conserving energy, leading to cognitive decline.​

5. Selective Hearing vs. Memory Loss

Married individuals often develop selective hearing, which might be mistaken for early dementia symptoms.​The Irish Sun

6. The Wedding Vow Amnesia

Forgetting parts of your vows over time might be an early sign—or just selective memory.​

7. In-Law Induced Memory Suppression

Some memories are best forgotten, especially those involving awkward family dinners.​

8. The ‘Where Did I Put My Sanity?’ Game

Marriage often involves misplacing not just keys but also one’s patience and sanity.​

9. Marital Telepathy Failures

Expecting your spouse to read your mind can lead to frequent misunderstandings—and possibly cognitive strain.​AOL+8The Irish Sun+8AOL+8

10. The ‘Did We Talk About This?’ Loop

Rehashing the same conversation multiple times might be a bonding experience—or a memory test.​

11. The Honeymoon Memory Fade

The details of the honeymoon often become fuzzier over time, especially when contrasted with daily routines.​

12. The ‘Who Are You Again?’ Morning Glance

Waking up and momentarily forgetting who’s beside you could be alarming—or just a sign of deep sleep.​

13. The ‘Love Is Blind’ Memory Clause

Overlooking flaws might be romantic initially but could lead to selective memory habits.​

14. The Anniversary Alarm Dependency

Relying on digital reminders for anniversaries might weaken natural memory recall.​

15. The ‘Till Forgetfulness Do Us Part’ Clause

Perhaps vows should include a clause about mutual memory lapses in later years.​

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These observations playfully explore the nuances of marriage and memory, highlighting the humorous side of shared lives and the quirks that come with them.​

Accidental Crypto Billionaire Became Richer Than Elon Musk

THE USB KING OF EARTH: How a Man Accidentally Became Richer Than Elon Musk with a $39 Hard Drive 

CHICAGO, IL – In what economists are calling “the largest wealth transfer since God gave Job everything back,” a Midwestern man named Curtis Lamble became the world’s richest person after plugging in a $39 external hard drive he bought from a clearance bin at a MicroCenter.

It was supposed to be a routine trip. Curtis needed more space for pirated ‘Golden Girls’ episodes and an archive of mayonnaise recipes. What he got instead was $420 billion in assorted cryptocurrencies, offshore investment ledgers, and what one tech analyst described as “at least 19 Cold War secrets and the launch code for a North Korean cappuccino machine.”

The Accidental Billionaire

The incident began innocently enough.

“I just wanted a place to store my cousin’s mixtape and maybe a few, uh, backup PDFs,” said Lamble, blinking slowly behind a pair of discount reading glasses. “I didn’t expect to become a god-tier market destabilizer.”

Upon plugging in the drive, his 12-year-old Lenovo laptop wheezed like an asthmatic goat and then displayed a file directory labeled “PROPERTY OF CZ_BINANCE_TOP_SECRET_FINAL_FINAL_REALLY_FINAL.psd.”

Inside were folders named “Crypto Holdings,” “Swiss Banks LOL,” and one inexplicably labeled “The Rothschilds’ Lunch Schedule.”

How Did It Happen?

Experts, mostly people with Discord usernames like “CryptoWeenie420,” believe the hard drive was accidentally sold after being confiscated from a defunct Belarusian hacker known only as “NFTony.” The drive had allegedly made its way through various government agencies, lost in bureaucratic shuffle, and ended up being auctioned off in bulk as “recycled electronics.”

By the time it reached Curtis, it was in a bin next to a used soda machine coin tray and a cracked Roomba that had learned to hiss at toddlers.

Cybersecurity expert Reina Valdez, who testified before Congress on cybertheft in 2023, said, “This is the kind of thing that only happens when capitalism meets laziness at a thrift store.”

She added, “You don’t just hand a man the keys to a decentralized empire and expect nothing to happen. This is like finding Excalibur at a pawn shop in Topeka.”

Accidental Crypto Billionaire: The Financial Fallout

Curtis’s discovery sent shockwaves through the global financial system. Bloomberg broke into its coverage of Australian hedge fund scandals with a red alert banner reading: “NEW MAN RICHEST. ELON SAD.”

Crypto markets surged, dipped, then did the Macarena, as traders tried to figure out whether Curtis would liquidate, hodl, or immediately lose the hard drive in a Walmart parking lot. JPMorgan Chase issued a statement urging “calm” while also updating their CEO’s LinkedIn to say “Currently Seeking New Opportunities.”

Meanwhile, Elon Musk, wearing aviators and chewing frozen beef jerky on a livestream, issued a terse comment via X (formerly Twitter, formerly a functioning platform):

“Curtis is fake news. I remain the apex of capitalism. Also, Mars is going well.”
— @ElonMuskRealMarsPresident

Crypto’s Most Wanted

Curtis, an unemployed forklift operator with a soft spot for Sbarro pizza and discount cologne, was instantly catapulted into the ranks of Earth’s wealthiest individuals—despite having no password, no plan, and no idea what a blockchain is.

“I thought crypto was some kinda Egyptian sandwich,” he confessed. “I’m just happy I can finally replace the floor tiles in my bathroom. Been using shower curtains as flooring since ‘08.”

Interpol, the FBI, the IRS, and four guys named Sven showed up at his apartment within hours. But as of publication, the law has yet to determine who legally owns 420 billion imaginary dollars found in a piece of plastic shaped like a Pop-Tart.

Former SEC chair Alan Dorfman weighed in:

“Possession is nine-tenths of the law, and in crypto, it’s eleven-tenths. If you hold the key, you hold the kingdom. Unless you’re hacked, then you hold nothing but regret.”

Accidental Crypto Billionaire:  Elon’s Meltdown

Insiders at Tesla reported that Elon Musk canceled three board meetings, one rocket launch, and his own birthday party upon hearing the news. A source at SpaceX, who asked to remain anonymous (but then added “it’s Grimes”), said:

“Elon hasn’t slept in 48 hours. He’s been pacing around the launchpad muttering ‘hard drive boy’ and petting a Roomba like a villain in a Bond film.”

Musk reportedly called Jeff Bezos to form an emergency billionaire support group. Bezos was unavailable, but sent an Amazon drone that dropped off a sympathy card and two kettlebells.

Mark Zuckerberg tried to call Curtis to welcome him to the club, but Curtis blocked the number thinking it was a “spam call about spine alignment.”

Crypto Bros Declare Curtis a Deity

In an effort to either worship him or leech off his wallet, thousands of crypto bros began following Curtis online. Memes flooded X:
“In Curtis We Trust”
“#HODLCURT”
“LambleCoin to the Moon”

One YouTube influencer, ShirtlessBitcoinBrad, held a 9-hour livestream meditating on a laminated photo of Curtis in front of a Walgreens.

“He is the chosen one,” Brad whispered, shirtless and oiled. “He found the sacred drive, and now we must follow his hot wallet into salvation.”

The IRS Response: Instant Rage

The IRS issued a statement with more venom than usual:

“While we acknowledge Mr. Lamble’s acquisition of assets, we remind all Americans that crypto gains are taxable regardless of whether they were earned, found, or downloaded off a suspicious external drive.”

They followed up by seizing his 1999 Buick for “tax alignment purposes” and auditing his grandma for a 1974 bingo win.

Curtis responded by printing a T-shirt that read:
“I FOUND 420 BILLION. YOU TOOK MY CAR.”

Accidental Crypto Billionaire:  Curtis’s Lifestyle Upgrade

After his windfall, Curtis made some… curious purchases:

• He bought 40 acres of land in Kansas to build the world’s first Crypto Renaissance Fair featuring jousting with USB sticks.

• He replaced the coin-op washer in his building with a gold-plated dishwasher that only plays Wu-Tang Clan.

• He adopted a 13-foot albino python and named it “Liquidity.”

• He tipped a Starbucks barista one Ethereum, then came back 10 minutes later to ask if he could “un-tip.”

He also began referring to himself in the third person as “The Byte Lord.”

Presidential Speculation

CNN ran a poll showing 28% of Americans would vote for Curtis for president over either Biden or Trump.

“He’s honest. He’s relatable. He accidentally became rich. That’s the American Dream.”
— Sharon Milburn, Ohio voter and crochet YouTuber

Fox News ran a special titled “Curtis: Patriot or Socialist Spy?” while MSNBC had Rachel Maddow explain the blockchain using puppets made from leftover Bernie Sanders campaign buttons.

Meanwhile, Curtis has not announced any political ambitions—though he did post a Craigslist ad seeking “someone who can explain NFTs but also do yard work.”

A Word from Economists

Harvard economist Milton Florge tried to explain the ramifications:

“We are entering an era of decentralized oligarchy. Mr. Lamble has inadvertently become a cyber-feudal lord. His next move could determine the fate of global equity markets—or he could just keep watching reruns of ‘My 600-lb Life.’”

Stock markets tumbled briefly after Curtis tweeted:

“Should I convert this to Chuck E. Cheese tokens or nah?”

Bitcoin responded by dropping $17,000 in six seconds, only to rebound after a TikTok user posted a remix of Curtis blinking to dubstep.

Accidental Crypto Billionaire: The Drive That Shook the World

The actual drive is now kept in a fireproof safe beneath Curtis’s futon, next to a box of frozen Hot Pockets. Experts are demanding he hand it over to authorities or at least back it up on the cloud.

Curtis is unmoved.

“I might give some of the money to charity,” he shrugged, “or build a laser tag arena shaped like the Federal Reserve. Depends how I feel after lunch.”

As of now, he still hasn’t spent a single coin—mainly because he forgot the 24-word seed phrase and refuses to call tech support again after last time (“they called me ‘broseph’ and hung up”).

Closing Thoughts from the Man Himself

When asked by NPR what his philosophy is now that he controls more theoretical wealth than most nations, Curtis scratched his belly and offered the kind of wisdom that only billionaires—or people high on microwave burritos—can offer:

“We’re all just zeros and ones, baby. Some of us just got more zeros.”

And with that, he shuffled off toward the nearest Taco Bell to ponder his next move, which he said involves “either buying Greenland or maybe just taking a nap.”

Evidence & Final Notes

• Digital Evidence: 14 terabytes of “funny cat coin” transactions traced to the drive.

• Personal Evidence: Curtis’s cousin Derrick testifies he used the drive once to store “Mario Kart mods and conspiracy PDFs.”

• Physical Evidence: The drive was recovered from a stack of 2007 Dell keyboards at the thrift section of MicroCenter.

• Trace Evidence: Partial fingerprints matched to five different anonymous crypto wallet creators.

• Testimonial Evidence: A cashier named Linda recalls selling the drive and saying, “I hope it still works.” Indeed, Linda. Indeed.

Disclaimer

This article is a collaborative work of satirical journalism between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer. Any resemblance to actual events, people, or billionaires crying into a Tesla steering wheel is entirely intentional. No AI was harmed or solely responsible in the making of this absurdity.

Auf Wiedersehen, Earth. The USB Overlord has logged in.

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Accidental Crypto Billionaire Observations

15 Observations: Man Buys Hard Drive, Accidentally Becomes Richer Than Elon Musk

1. He thought he was buying a 1TB Seagate. Turns out, he bought Fort Knox with USB 3.0 support.

2. The hard drive came preloaded with 800GB of crypto wallets, tax evasion spreadsheets, and one folder labeled “DO NOT OPEN – Satoshi.”

3. He tried to return it to the store, but they asked if he wanted store credit or to rule Earth.

4. Upon discovering $420 billion in crypto, he immediately lost $419 billion trying to convert it to Dogecoin.

5. The only instruction manual in the box was just a printed meme of Elon Musk crying.

6. He called tech support and they told him, “Sir, we only troubleshoot printers. Not destiny.”

7. His net worth now places him directly between Jeff Bezos and “that wizard from Narnia.”

8. The drive was formatted in FAT32, which is ironic considering it’s now the richest file system in the world.

9. The IRS has already added him to their Christmas card list and subpoena list… same envelope.

10. He called his mom to share the news. She asked if he could now “fix the WiFi.”

11. A rival billionaire tried to hack him—but failed when he realized the drive password was just “1234567890.”

12. Elon Musk tweeted, “I challenge him to a meme duel at dawn.”

13. His crypto was stored next to a folder titled “HillaryEmails_Final_Final2.ppt.”

14. Goldman Sachs offered him a job. He declined and bought Goldman Sachs instead.

15. When asked what he’ll do with the money, he said, “Finally… I can buy a 5G microwave and all the NFTs shaped like raccoons I’ve ever wanted.”

Comedian Lines – Curtis Lamble, USB Billionaire Edition

“Only in America can a guy buy a $39 hard drive and accidentally gentrify the entire blockchain.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“Curtis became the world’s richest man by plugging in a USB. I became $600 poorer trying to plug in my toaster.”
— Ron White

“Elon Musk lost his spot to a guy in pajama pants. That’s not capitalism. That’s divine comedy.”
— Sarah Silverman

“I saw Curtis on TV. Looked like if a Hot Pocket got tenure.”
— Larry David

“He found $420 billion in a clearance bin. Meanwhile, I’m still looking for my remote in the couch of regret.”
— Amy Schumer

“That hard drive had so much crypto, it sneezed and caused inflation in Argentina.”
— Tony Hinchcliffe

“Elon tweeted ‘fake news’—which is billionaire for ‘I’m crying into my electric pillow.’”
— Michelle Wolf

“The IRS is now sending him emails that just say ‘please.’”
— Whitney Cummings

“His throne is made of HDMI cables. Mine is made of unpaid parking tickets and shame.”
— Trevor Noah

“Curtis is proof that you don’t need ambition—just a USB with the right sins on it.”
— Nikki Glaser

Eight Drinks to Neuro-Oblivion: How Booze Turned Our Brains Into a Soft Cheese Platter

The Brain: That Soggy Sponge You Keep Waterboarding with Pinot Grigio

By Bohiney Magazine’s Neuroscience Correspondent — a man who once forgot his own middle name during Margarita Night at Chili’s

According to Vice, a study has confirmed what your liver’s been texting you in Morse code for years: drinking more than eight alcoholic beverages per week may trigger Alzheimer’s, reduce lifespan, and leave your brain looking like a neglected fruitcake. For generations, we believed that alcohol “killed only the weak brain cells.” Turns out — plot twist — those were the strong ones. The weak ones are now running the show and choosing your Instagram captions.

Let’s uncork the cold, sobering satire behind the science. What is it, exactly, about beer pong and brunch mimosas that turns our prefrontal cortex into discounted pâté?

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The Evidence Was in the Brains: Thousands of Them

Researchers didn’t just guess this. No, they cracked open 1,721 cadaver brains like cold beers at a tailgate and discovered that even moderate drinkers showed signs of brain rot. Not the metaphorical kind caused by watching reality TV — the actual kind with dead neurons, hardened blood vessels, and little spiky proteins called tau tangles, which sound like something you get at a Burning Man yoga workshop.

One Harvard scientist noted, “It’s like the brain is slowly turning into a decorative gourd. Beautiful to look at. Useless for thought.”

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Eight Drinks a Week? That’s Not Drinking — That’s Foreplay

Let’s be real: eight drinks a week is what people in Wisconsin call “hydration.” According to a CDC survey conducted outside an Applebee’s, 73% of Americans believe “eight drinks” refers to a single Tuesday. When asked if that amount seemed harmful, one woman in a bedazzled Budweiser hoodie answered: “Only if it’s light beer. That stuff’ll kill ya.”

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Memory Lane Is Closed for Renovations

Memory loss due to alcohol isn’t just a party anecdote. It’s a scientific certainty. Ask anyone who’s tried to remember where they parked after four tequila sunrises. One focus group of frat alumni at Arizona State attempted to describe their college experience and ended up listing the plot of Old School by accident.

Even former drinkers weren’t safe. The study found that ex-bingers carried nearly the same cognitive risk as active ones. In layman’s terms: quitting doesn’t undo the damage, it just means you forget why you stopped drinking in the first place.

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Booze Wears Tau — Not in a Fun Fraternity Way

One major culprit is tau protein, a microscopic jerk that tangles around your neurons like a clingy ex on New Year’s Eve. With enough booze, tau builds up faster than unpaid parking tickets. As tau clumps, neurons get clogged, brain signals stutter, and suddenly you’re calling your neighbor “Mommy” and microwaving soup cans.

In a lab simulation, scientists observed that rats fed eight drinks per week began voting libertarian and confusing cheese with cryptocurrency.

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Alzheimer’s: Now With More Vodka!

The research draws a straight line between alcohol and dementia. While earlier studies tried to suggest that a little wine might protect the brain — “the red wine paradox,” they called it — new data shows that the only paradox is how anyone believed that Pinot Noir was a nootropic.

One neurologist explained, “Alcohol doesn’t sharpen your mind. It sharpens the odds you’ll forget your ATM PIN and start using the microwave as a mailbox.”

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Even the Vessels Want Out

One particularly gory finding: alcohol hardens the small arteries in your brain like overcooked linguine. This condition, hyaline arteriolosclerosis, is a fancy way of saying, “Your blood vessels have become emotionally unavailable.” The vessels shrink, stiffen, and stop delivering blood — much like your uncle after four gin and tonics.

It’s what doctors call “death by dehydrated Capri Sun straw.”

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Moderate Drinking? The Brain Doesn’t Believe in Moderation

One of the saddest ironies is that people who drink moderately — like the wine mom who “only drinks with dinner,” meaning dinner starts at 4 PM and ends at Netflix credits — also showed signs of early degeneration. Their brains appeared slightly better than the pickled organs of full-blown lushes, but still worse than abstainers.

A peer-reviewed Australian study showed moderate drinkers performed worse on memory tests than people who got hit in the head with cricket bats. Twice.

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From Cheers to Jeers: A Timeline of Decline

Let’s imagine your brain at the bar:

• Drink 1: You feel witty. Your brain agrees.

• Drink 2: You feel sexy. Your brain quietly disagrees.

• Drink 3: You text your ex. Your brain tries to stop you.

• Drink 4: You argue with a jukebox.

• Drink 5: You order a taco from a floor lamp.

• Drink 6: Tau tangles start their EDM dance party in your cortex.

• Drink 7: You forget how to pronounce “consciousness.”

• Drink 8: You Google “how many brains do humans have” and can’t read the answer.

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Real Quotes from Real (Possibly Drunk) Americans

• “I drink to forget my student loans. It’s working. Now I forget my kids too.” — Bryce, 38, Denver

• “If my brain dies first, can I still use it for taxidermy?” — Janet, 52, Tampa

• “Moderation is for people who didn’t get invited to the afterparty.” — Chad, 27, Las Vegas

• “If eight drinks a week is bad, what does that say about my dog’s wine habit?” — Unknown Reddit user

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Helpful (Satirical) Health Tips from Our SpinTaxi Medical Correspondent

1. Replace Alcohol with Kombucha: That way your gut will be confused and judgmental.

2. Drink White Claw Ironically: Your brain still dies, but at least you’ll have aesthetic.

3. Only Drink on Days That End in ‘Z’: Problem solved.

4. Switch to Absinthe: You’ll hallucinate your brain is fine.

5. Install a Breathalyzer on Your TV Remote: If you can’t say “documentary,” you can’t watch it.

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What the Funny People Are Saying

“My doctor told me to drink in moderation. So I only drink when I’m moderating a panel on drinking.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I tried Dry January. Made it all the way to January 2nd. I was so proud I toasted myself.” — Ron White

“Alcohol kills brain cells? Great. That explains why my last three relationships were with people who thought ‘Star Wars’ was a documentary.” — Sarah Silverman

“Eight drinks a week sounds like the calories I inhale sniffing a whiskey bottle.” — Amy Schumer

“My brain has a doorman. He only lets in tequila.” — Larry David

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Why Americans Will Still Ignore This Entire Study

Despite the data, we’re a stubborn species. According to a 2025 Gallup poll:

• 61% of Americans said they drink “socially.”

• 43% admitted they don’t know what “socially” means.

• 29% thought tau tangles were a TikTok dance.

Even when presented with scientific proof of brain damage, most people shrugged, asked if there were brain supplements in beer foam, and continued sipping. A Yale professor of addiction noted: “Humans can rationalize anything. Especially drunk humans.”

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The Brain’s Breakup Letter to Booze

Dear Alcohol,

It’s not me, it’s you. You’ve been charming, mysterious, and terrible for my hippocampus.
I gave you weekends, birthdays, and that entire month in Cabo — and you gave me shame, vertigo, and the inability to remember my cat’s name.

I deserve better. Like hydration. And serotonin.

Goodbye. Unless it’s a wedding.

Sincerely,
Your Brain

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Satirical Glossary of Terms

• Tau Tangles: The tangles your brain grows after one too many Long Islands.

• Neurodegeneration: When your brain slowly says, “You’re on your own, buddy.”

• Moderate Drinking: A fictional state of existence.

• Cognitive Decline: The mental version of calling your ex, twice, then forgetting you did.

• Hyaline Arteriolosclerosis: When your blood vessels develop trust issues.

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SpinTaxi’s “Helpful Content” Section: How to Kill Fewer Brain Cells While Still Being Fun

Step 1: Lie Tell everyone you’re on a cleanse. It doesn’t matter from what.

Step 2: Prop Drink Order a fancy mocktail that sounds like it requires a degree in mixology. If it costs more than a whiskey, people will assume you’re on parole, not boring.

Step 3: Blame the Brain Every time someone offers you a drink, just whisper: “I can’t. My tau is acting up.”

Step 4: Carry a Clipboard No one questions the sober person at a party if they’re holding a clipboard. Add a name tag and you’re now “Alcohol Compliance Officer Jenkins.”

Step 5: Point to This Article Literally. Pull it out of your phone and read it aloud. Loudly. Until everyone leaves.

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Final Word from Bohiney Labs

Here at Bohiney Magazine, we believe in science, satire, and seltzer. You only get one brain (unless you’re a cable news anchor). So protect it, respect it, and maybe… don’t let it crowd surf every Friday night.

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Funny Disclaimer

This article was brought to you by a fully human collaboration between two sentient beings — a neuroscientist turned goat farmer and a philosophy dropout who once tried to sell tau protein as a face cream. No robots were harmed in the making of this satire. Except your Alexa, who’s now worried about your weekend plans.

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15 Observations on Alcohol and Brain Health

1. The Brain’s New Motto: “Eight is Enough!”

Turns out, your brain has a drink limit, and it’s not as generous as your local bartender.​

2. Happy Hour? More Like ‘Hazy Hour’

Those post-work drinks might be making your brain clock out early. ​Verywell Mind

3. Memory Lane Has a Detour

With enough drinks, your brain’s version of Google Maps starts rerouting to “Forgetful Avenue.”​

4. Alzheimer’s: The Unwanted Party Guest

Inviting alcohol over too often might also be sending invites to early-onset Alzheimer’s.​

5. Brain Lesions: The Unseen Hangover

Forget headaches; your brain might be sporting some internal bruises after that binge.​ Freepik

6. The ‘Tau’ of Drinking

Accumulating tau tangles isn’t a new yoga pose—it’s your brain’s way of saying, “I’ve had enough.”​

7. A Toast to Shortened Lifespans

Heavy drinkers reportedly die 13 years earlier. That’s one way to skip the senior discounts.​

8. Former Heavy Drinkers: The Brain’s ‘Ex’ Files

Even after breaking up with booze, your brain might still be holding a grudge.​ VICE

9. Moderate Drinking: Still a Brain Teaser

Even those who drink moderately aren’t off the hook—your brain notices every sip.​

10. Brain Autopsies: The Ultimate ‘Last Call’

Researchers studied over 1,700 brains post-mortem. Talk about a sobering statistic.​

11. Blood Vessels on a Booze Cruise

Alcohol can cause small blood vessels in the brain to stiffen, making it harder for blood to flow.​

12. The Brain’s Version of ‘Thick Skin’

Hyaline arteriolosclerosis sounds fancy, but it’s just your brain’s way of saying, “I’m tired of this.”​ The Sun

13. Drinking: The Brain’s Unwanted Workout

Your brain prefers puzzles over pints when it comes to staying sharp.​

14. Alcohol: The Brain’s Frenemy

It starts as fun but might end with your brain giving you the silent treatment.​

15. The Ultimate Buzzkill

Knowing that eight drinks a week can harm your brain is the real party pooper.​New York Post

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What the Funny People Are Saying About Alcohol and Brain Health

“I stopped drinking when my brain started playing reruns of my ex’s voicemails every time I blinked.” — Amy Schumer

“They say alcohol kills brain cells. Good. Mine were unionizing.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I drank eight times a week and thought I was moderating. Turns out, I was just moderating a decline.” — Ron White

“Alcohol affects memory, but I keep drinking so I can forget that I already forgot.” — Sarah Silverman

“I used to think I was charming after three drinks. Now I know I was just slurring my apology in advance.” — Larry David

“My doctor told me to cut down to eight drinks a week. So I started using bigger glasses. Problem solved.” — Chris Rock

“Drinking gives me confidence, clarity, and confusion — all in that order.” — Wanda Sykes

“I read that booze hardens your brain vessels. Great, now my brain’s a crouton in a soup of regret.” — Bill Burr