Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney: A Love Torn Apart by Lizards, Karaoke, and Unforgivable Method Acting

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a city where relationships last about as long as a celebrity’s New Year’s detox, Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney’s latest romantic unraveling is less a heartbreak and more a cautionary tale. What went wrong? According to sources close to nobody and fans who learned everything from Reddit fanfiction, everything.

From accusations of method acting-induced personality disorders to Glen’s pet lizard allegedly replacing Jonathan Davino as Sydney’s “emotional support male,” we now have 15 compelling reasons why Sydney Sweeney’s romance trail resembles a burned rom-com script floating in a La La Land dumpster.

Let’s unpack the juicy, the stupid, and the hilariously unverifiable.

---

1. Method Acting: The Possession of Sydney Sweeney

According to a leaked therapy bill posted on a Tumblr fan page, Sydney insisted on being called “Bea” – her character from Anyone But You – for 73 consecutive days. She spoke in a faux-British accent, ordered oat milk as “mylk,” and reportedly slapped Jonathan when he called her “babe” instead of “Lady Sydenham.”

Dr. Kip Whittler, a pretend psychiatrist and certified Tubi contributor, says, “This is a classic case of ‘Thespian Overidentification Syndrome,’ or what we in the field call the ‘Jared Leto Effect.’”

---

2. The Pillow Fight of 2024

Jonathan Davino’s masculinity was irreparably harmed when Sydney challenged him to a playful pillow fight after filming a beach scene with Glen Powell. Sydney reportedly shouted, “Defend thy honor, knave!” before pelting him with Egyptian cotton missiles.

According to a housekeeper’s anonymous testimony, Jonathan surrendered mid-brawl, muttering, “This isn’t how grown men fight.” That night, Sydney unfollowed him on BeReal.

---

3. Glen Powell’s Smile Declared a Public Health Hazard

OSHA issued an informal warning to the Anyone But You set after Glen Powell’s smile caused a lens flare that temporarily blinded three interns and one grip.

Sydney’s growing attraction was not “emotional infidelity,” her agent claimed-it was “optical overstimulation.”

A conspiracy subreddit claims she began wearing sunglasses indoors not for style, but to resist the hypnotic lure of Glen’s incisors. One post simply read: “The Smile is the Affair.”

---

4. Euphoria Withdrawals and Manufactured Drama

Friends say Sydney was suffering “dopamine deprivation” after Euphoria wrapped. No longer surrounded by teenage felons and glitter-covered trauma flashbacks, she reportedly craved chaos.

“She dumped Jonathan just to feel something,” one make-up artist whispered. “She tried to frame him for eating her keto brownies. They were hers. Clearly labeled.”

---

5. The Red Carpet Cold War

At the Vanity Fair Oscars afterparty, Sydney strutted the crimson runway in a diamond-encrusted fishnet gown while Jonathan arrived in corduroy and sneakers.

Insiders say Jonathan refused to even walk the carpet, hiding behind a marble column like a Hogwarts poltergeist. Paparazzi photos show him nervously checking his phone, probably Googling “can you die from social anxiety?”

---

6. Glen Powell’s Dance Floor Coup

Witnesses recall the wrap party showdown vividly: Glen performed an improvised Paso Doble on a karaoke bar counter. Sydney watched, biting her lip, like he was a churro dipped in testosterone.

Meanwhile, Jonathan’s two-step looked like a confused Waze GPS recalculating mid-spin. One TikTok commenter said, “This man dances like Bluetooth buffering.”

---

7. The Accidental Instagram Like Heard ‘Round the World

Jonathan made a fatal social media error: liking a photo of Glen and Sydney mid-laugh on set. Reddit exploded with threads titled “DAVINO’S DIGITAL DIVORCE” and “LIKING THE ENEMY.”

Sydney reportedly saw the like, whispered, “He wants this,” and then posted a Story of her and Glen holding hands during a trust fall exercise.

Coincidence? Please.

---

8. Calling Him ‘Glen’ in Bed

This one’s real… ish. A DeuxMoi tipster swears Sydney “mumbled ‘Glen’ mid-coital croissant brunch.” Jonathan allegedly threw his mimosa and fled the café, shouting “I AM A PERSON, SYDNEY.”

When asked about the incident by Good Morning Boise, Sydney deflected: “I’ve never been to Boise.”

Case closed.

---

9. Spaghetti vs. Sous Vide

Sydney’s culinary palette reportedly matured after Glen Powell served her a hand-seared scallop soufflé while shirtless in a tuxedo apron. Jonathan once made her boxed spaghetti and forgot to drain it.

“She said I boiled the noodles in apathy,” Jonathan confided to his pet iguana, Jasper. The iguana, notably, did not reply.

---

10. Training Wheels of Shame

Sydney learned to ride motorcycles for a movie role. Glen taught her, naturally. Jonathan suggested training wheels, citing “insurance reasons.”

“You can’t say ‘insurance’ to a woman in leather,” said fake feminist scholar Miranda Culpepper. “That’s emotional castration.”

---

11. Prank War Casualties

Sydney and Glen became notorious for on-set pranks: filling trailers with balloons, fake snakes, and voice-activated fart machines. Sydney brought the spirit home.

Jonathan woke up to a dummy of himself in the bed, labeled “Emotionally Available Me.” Sydney giggled. Jonathan sobbed.

---

12. CrossFit Divorce

After one too many “couple’s bootcamps,” Jonathan cracked. “I don’t want to ‘burpee together,’ Sydney,” he reportedly said, gasping between mountain climbers.

When he refused to get up at 4:30 AM to jog in the rain while yelling affirmations, she accused him of “emotional sloth.” Glen Powell, meanwhile, was deadlifting in cowboy boots.

---

13. Karaoke Humiliation

At the same wrap party, Glen and Sydney brought down the house with a duet of “Shallow.” Jonathan followed with “Baby Got Back” in a falsetto.

“He made the Nicki Minaj verse… tender,” one guest winced.

A trending meme emerged: “This Is Why She Left.” It was just a GIF of Jonathan attempting to twerk.

---

14. The Lizard Ultimatum

Glen’s pet lizard, Sir Scales-a-Lot, became beloved on set. Sydney, enamored, tried adopting a bearded dragon named Sex Panther. Jonathan freaked out.

“He’s cold-blooded! They both are!” Jonathan screamed, storming out of PetSmart. Sydney and the lizard locked eyes. A bond was formed. The rest is tragedy.

---

15. Erotic Fan Fiction Backlash

Jonathan found a Wattpad story titled “Glen’s Grip” with 24,000 upvotes. It described Glen Powell saving Sydney from a landslide with a single flex.

“It was disturbingly well-written,” Jonathan confessed in group therapy. “And it had great pacing.”

Sydney defended the story, claiming she only read it “for the sentence structure.” Sure, Jan.

---

What the Funny People Are Saying

“He lost her the minute he said ‘We can just do DoorDash tonight.’”- Ron White

“Dating an actor is like borrowing a tiger. Cute for 10 minutes, then suddenly it’s eating your Wi-Fi router.”- Jerry Seinfeld

“If your girl’s idea of foreplay is a red carpet, your relationship is in SAG-AFTRA territory, buddy.”- Chris Rock

“She left a real man for a guy with cheekbones so sharp, they could slice salami at a deli.”- Dave Chappelle

“You know it’s over when your girlfriend starts referring to you as ‘craft services.’”- Sarah Silverman

---

Helpful Content: How to Spot a Relationship Doomed by Glen Powell

Here are five signs your relationship may be in danger due to the Powell Effect:

• She’s wearing Ray-Bans indoors.She’s not hiding a hangover. She’s blocking Glen’s aura.
• She mentions ‘method acting’ during arguments.No one method acts through a breakup unless they’re auditioning for Season 3 of You.
• You find lizard food in your pantry.Unless you own a lizard, you’re being replaced by one.
• She plays karaoke duets alone, both parts.It’s not practice. It’s grief rehearsal.
• She whispers “Glen” when applying lotion.You’ve lost. Take your spaghetti and go.

---

Final Thoughts: Sydney the Menace

At this point, it’s clear: Sydney Sweeney may be an international treasure onscreen, but in our completely fabricated story, she’s a one-woman romantic wrecking ball powered by Red Bull, narcissism, and Glen Powell’s symmetrical face.

Was Jonathan perfect? No. He believed karaoke was a substitute for intimacy and thought “marinara” was a personality. But he tried, dammit.

And Glen? Glen was born to ruin relationships the way other men ruin brunch reservations.

---

Disclaimer

This piece is 100% satire and was co-written by two fully sentient mammals: one cowboy philosopher and one dairy-farming academic. All names and quotes are fictionalized for the purpose of humor. No lizards were harmed during the making of this article, except Glen Powell, who we hope steps on a LEGO for being too attractive.

Auf Wiedersehen.

---

Sydney Sweeney and her fiancé, Jonathan Davino…

​In the grand tradition of satirical speculation, let’s delve into the imaginary reasons behind the rumored split between Sydney Sweeney and her fiancé, Jonathan Davino. Remember, this is all in jest and not based on actual events.​ InStyle

1. Method Acting Gone Too Far

Sydney’s commitment to her craft reached new heights when she decided to live as her “Anyone But You” character 24/7, insisting Jonathan call her by her character’s name. Jonathan reportedly drew the line when she began speaking in a faux British accent at family dinners.​The US Sun

2. The Great Pillow Fight Debacle

After filming intense action scenes with Glen Powell, Sydney challenged Jonathan to a pillow fight to “keep the adrenaline pumping.” Jonathan’s refusal, citing “pillow fights are for kids,” led Sydney to question his sense of adventure.​E! Online

3. Glen Powell’s Irresistible Charm

It’s rumored that Glen Powell’s dazzling smile caused temporary blindness in several crew members. Sydney, wearing sunglasses indoors to protect herself, found it hard to resist such radiance, leading to tension at home.​

4. The Euphoria of Singlehood

After intense scenes in “Euphoria,” Sydney sought similar drama in her personal life. Finding none, she decided to create some by initiating a breakup, stating, “I need more angst for my art.”​

5. Jonathan’s Aversion to Red Carpets

Sydney loves the limelight, but Jonathan preferred the shadows, often hiding behind potted plants at events. Their differing comfort levels with fame became a point of contention.​

6. Glen’s Impeccable Dance Moves

Witnessing Glen’s dance skills at a cast party, Sydney realized Jonathan’s “dad dance” couldn’t compete. She needed a partner who could keep up on and off the dance floor.​

7. The Instagram Fiasco

Jonathan accidentally liked a photo of Glen and Sydney on set, leading to a spiral of jealousy and overthinking. Sydney couldn’t handle the “social media betrayal.”​

8. Method Acting: The Sequel

Sydney started calling Jonathan “Glen” accidentally, blaming it on method acting. Jonathan wasn’t amused.​E! Online

9. Glen’s Culinary Skills

Glen’s ability to whip up gourmet meals between scenes made Jonathan’s spaghetti dinners look lackluster. Sydney’s palate had been awakened, and there was no turning back.​

10. The Motorcycle Incident

Glen taught Sydney how to ride a motorcycle for a role. Jonathan, fearing for her safety, suggested training wheels. Sydney couldn’t handle the embarrassment.​

11. Glen’s Prankster Ways

Glen’s on-set pranks became legendary. Sydney tried to replicate them at home, but Jonathan didn’t appreciate fake spiders in his cereal.​

12. The Workout Regimen

Sydney adopted Glen’s intense workout routine. Jonathan couldn’t keep up and resented the 5 a.m. alarms for “couples CrossFit.”​

13. The Karaoke Showdown

At a cast karaoke night, Glen and Sydney’s duet brought the house down. Jonathan’s rendition of “Baby Got Back” didn’t have the same effect.​

14. Glen’s Pet Lizard

Glen’s pet lizard, Sir Scales-a-Lot, became the set mascot. Sydney wanted a pet lizard too, but Jonathan’s fear of reptiles caused a rift.​

15. The Fan Fiction Discovery

Jonathan stumbled upon fan fiction pairing Sydney and Glen together. The detailed narratives were too much for him to handle.​

Disclaimer: This piece is purely satirical and for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real events or individuals is purely coincidental.​

The post Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney appeared first on Bohiney News.

Pseudonyms on a Dating Apps: How Lance the Tantric Goat Whisperer Helped Me Find Myself (and Block Myself)

In the golden age of digital love—where “DTF” is a personality type and “Hey” qualifies as a courtship ritual—there’s a rising epidemic quietly corrupting the swiping masses: pseudonyms on a dating apps. What began as harmless anonymity has now blossomed into full-blown self-deception with artisanal lighting and emotional unavailability, all set to a Spotify Lo-Fi Chill playlist.

I know this because I did it. I became Lance.

---

I Created a Pseudonym on a Dating App Because I’m a Coward and a Visionary

Let’s start with the facts. I, a sentient adult with a checking account and a degree in comparative literature, willingly created a pseudonym on a dating app. Why? Because authenticity is exhausting and my real name, “Todd,” doesn’t exactly scream complex, mysterious sapiosexual with a past.

So I became Lance.

Lance was everything I aspired to be: bold, bisexual, and slightly allergic to gluten. He wore flannel in non-ironic ways, volunteered at animal sanctuaries, and had an extensive knowledge of tantric breathing. I gave him a vague job title like “creative technologist,” and in his bio, I wrote, “looking for someone to read poetry with while building a fire from emotional kindling.”

He was a monster. But he was my monster.

---

Digital Deception or Emotional Innovation? Experts Weigh In

Dr. Fiona Ballentine, who teaches “Radical Honesty in the Digital Age” at a community college in Vermont, weighed in on my pseudonymous plunge.

“What you’re doing isn’t lying. It’s emotional roleplay for the identity-impaired,” she explained while sipping a turmeric latte and avoiding eye contact with her real husband.

Meanwhile, a 2024 Pew Research Center survey revealed that 41% of users on dating apps admit to using pseudonyms, and 17% have accidentally fallen in love with a version of themselves. The remaining 42% are in long-term relationships with people who still think their names are “Blade,” “Saffron,” or “AstralDanny_69.”

---

The Psychology Behind Pseudonyms on a Dating Apps

According to Dr. Keisha Mendoza, a relationship psychologist and semi-professional tarot reader:

“Pseudonyms allow users to explore dissociative versions of their sexuality, free from the constraints of realism, accountability, and their mother’s Facebook friends.”

In layman’s terms: Lance wasn’t just my fake identity—he was my emotional stunt double. He could say things like “I love easily but trust slowly,” without choking on the irony. He could match with women, men, and ambiguous soul-energy profiles without any confusion or guilt.

He wasn’t dishonest. He was brave. He was bisexual with confidence. He was gluten-free before it was convenient. He was, in every way, the hero I needed to catfish myself.

---

I Swiped Right on Myself and Found Inner Peace (and a Restraining Order)

I should’ve known things were getting out of hand when Lance matched with someone from my real life—my yoga instructor, Dahlia. She didn’t recognize me, of course, because my real-life profile was just me holding a cup of tea and trying to look like I wasn’t recovering from an emotional landslide.

Lance, on the other hand, exuded pheromones. He quoted Rumi. He said things like “I don’t date—I connect.” Within two days, she sent me a poem she wrote titled “For the Man Who Glowed.” I panicked and unmatched.

But that wasn’t the worst part.

The worst part was that I started messaging people as Lance… and forgetting I wasn’t Lance. I found myself saying things in real life like, “I feel your moon energy” and “I did ayahuasca last fall with a shaman who used to be a dolphin trainer.” None of it was true. But it was true enough.

---

The Role of Gender Fluidity in Pseudonyms on a Dating Apps

Lance also gave me permission to explore fluid identities. I matched with people who identified as genderqueer, panromantic, and one person who listed their orientation as “climate anxious.”

Before Lance, I hadn’t considered the possibility that I could be emotionally available to more than one gender. But as a man named Lance who once free-climbed Machu Picchu in a dream journal, anything was possible.

When I eventually “came out” to myself, it wasn’t at a Pride parade or family dinner. It was while I was halfway through a text conversation with a Swedish aromatherapist named River, using six emojis, four acronyms, and one ironic haiku.

“You remind me of someone who isn’t ready to meet themselves,” River wrote.

I sobbed. Into my oat milk latte.

---

Pseudonyms on a Dating Apps: Ethical Nightmare or Soul Safari?

Let’s be real. Using pseudonyms on a dating apps is ethically murky. You’re deceiving others. You’re also, probably, evading some deeply rooted emotional truths. But it’s also the most modern form of existential therapy.

According to a study published in the Journal of Human Catfishing, 62% of people who used a pseudonym ended up liking that persona more than themselves. And 31% of those people began integrating parts of their pseudonym’s identity into their “real” self. That’s not deception—that’s branding.

---

The Great Tragedy of Authenticity

Here’s the thing about being real on a dating app: it rarely works.

I once tried using my real name, real job, and real personality. My first message was, “Hi, I’m Todd. I make spreadsheets and have unresolved maternal tension. Want to get coffee?”

I didn’t get a single match.

But Lance? Lance said, “Let’s skip small talk and start with your favorite kind of silence.”

He got 67 likes in one hour.

---

When Your Alter Ego Gets More Action Than You

Eventually, I fell in love with someone as Lance. Her name was Theo (short for Theodora, not theory), and she worked at a nonprofit that trained rescue goats to become therapy animals for hedge fund managers.

We had chemistry. We talked about ethics, dreams, past lives, and the sociopolitical implications of kale. I nearly told her the truth… until she said, “You’re the first man I’ve met who doesn’t hide behind some fake version of himself.”

I swallowed my guilt. And also my phone, metaphorically.

Our relationship lasted two weeks and ended when she accidentally saw my real name on a parking receipt. She screamed “Todd?” like it was a racial slur. I fled the scene and rebranded as “Sage.”

---

Helpful Content: Should YOU Use a Pseudonym on a Dating App?

If you’re considering using a pseudonym, here’s some totally helpful, questionably legal advice:

Pros:

• Explore your sexuality without Aunt Karen’s judgment.

• Attract people you actually want to talk to.

• Say things like “I’m not afraid of intimacy, just allergic to small talk.”

Cons:

• You may fall in love with yourself.

• You may run into someone you know.

• You may lose track of who you actually are and cry in a Home Depot.

Tips:

• Choose a name that evokes confidence, mystery, and possibly an artisanal beard.

• Don’t pick your real middle name. That’s too traceable.

• Only lie about the things that are emotionally relevant: hobbies, trauma, whether or not you believe in monogamy.

• Never, ever use the same pseudonym twice. You’ll start building a franchise, and then you’re basically Tinder’s answer to Marvel.

---

Why Pseudonyms on a Dating Apps Are the Future of Romantic Delusion

In the end, pseudonyms offer more than just a romantic cheat code. They offer a chance to reimagine yourself outside the constraints of trauma, acne, and financial instability. They are avatars of hope, lies draped in emotional potential.

And as long as people keep expecting authenticity on platforms designed to gamify attraction, we will keep inventing versions of ourselves that are just fake enough to feel real.

---

Final Swipe: I Still Use a Pseudonym, But I Also Use a Co-Star App to Justify It

Today, I’m neither Lance nor Todd. I’m Casper—a gentle, emotionally aware specter of potential. I tell people I used to be more grounded, but I lost that during a mushroom ceremony in a national park that may or may not have been a VR simulation.

Do I feel guilty about the deception? Occasionally. Do I feel sexy in my emotional shapeshifting? Always.

Because in the world of dating apps, we’re all just pseudonyms—desperate not to be seen, but absolutely begging to be swiped right on.

---

---

---

TODAY’S ESSAY

A Moment That Changed Me: I Used a Pseudonym on a Dating App and Became My Own Secret Admirer

By a Confused Essayist Who Accidentally Catfished Themselves

There comes a time in every person’s life when they look at themselves in the mirror and say, “I need to lie online.” For me, that moment came after three and a half dates, two bottles of Merlot, and one crippling fear that I might be, dare I say it… emotionally available. So I did what any rational adult with a liberal arts degree and a profound misunderstanding of personal growth would do: I downloaded a dating app and signed up under the name “Lance.”

Lance, dear reader, was everything I wasn’t. Lance liked hiking. Lance drank oat milk without irony. Lance had a tight core, a soft heart, and a suspicious number of photos with baby goats. Lance was, essentially, a lie stitched together from Pinterest boards and aspirational gender studies lectures. And yet—Lance got matches.

The Birth of Lance and the Death of My Grip on Reality

Using a pseudonym was not just a decision. It was a psychological experiment disguised as petty deception. I told myself this as I constructed Lance’s profile like a 21st-century Victor Frankenstein, only with better lighting and an affinity for words like “sapiosexual.”

Within days, I was getting messages. Not to me, but to the idea of me. The idealized, glute-clenched, emotionally evolved me. One woman even said, “You seem so emotionally intelligent and grounded.” I dropped my phone in my soup. Not because I was shocked, but because I realized she was right—and I was neither.

I found myself staying up at night chatting as Lance. I laughed, I flirted, I quoted Carl Jung incorrectly. It was electric. I wasn’t just pretending to be someone else—I was discovering parts of myself I had previously buried under layers of self-doubt, crushed velvet, and Spotify algorithms.

What If Lance Is the Real Me, and I’m Just His Avatar?

This is the kind of question you only ask after two weeks of pretending to be a bisexual beekeeper from Asheville. I began to question everything: my preferences, my gender expression, my favorite salad dressing. If I felt more authentic pretending to be Lance, did that make Lance the real me? Or was I just bad at being me in public?

I reached out to a friend who’s a therapist, or at least owns a couch. She said something profound like, “You’re not lying. You’re narrating a version of yourself through a fictional filter.” I wept, partly because of the truth in her words and partly because I had just stubbed my toe on a Himalayan salt lamp.

The Dating App Became a Portal to My Third Self

Here’s where things got complicated: I started talking to people I knew… as Lance. Coworkers. Friends. My downstairs neighbor who once borrowed my air fryer. They didn’t recognize me, which raised serious concerns about how forgettable I must be as myself. One woman wrote, “You remind me of someone I work with, only more confident.” I almost screamed. Not because I was caught, but because… I agreed.

So I began seducing myself, in a way. Rewriting my personality, one DM at a time. I felt like God, if God had a ring light and abandonment issues.

Sexually Fluid? Emotionally Fraudulent? Spiritually Inflamed?

Somewhere in the middle of the week, I matched with someone named River (of course). River believed gender was a suggestion and monogamy was a prison sentence. We talked for hours. They introduced me to the concept of “shapeshifting attraction,” where you fall for a soul regardless of its meat vessel. I responded by quoting a tweet from 2018 and pretending it was my idea.

Through River, I started questioning whether I had only ever dated women because I had confused attraction with cultural obligation. Was I pansexual? Biromantic? Post-hetero adjacent? A Libra? I didn’t know—but I was having more fun than I ever had as myself. At one point, I described my sexual orientation as “a lightly stirred Negroni: complex, a bit bitter, and hard to categorize.”

Coming Out to Myself in an IKEA Parking Lot

One Sunday, after a match ghosted me for misusing the word “non-binary,” I sat in my Prius and cried. Not because I was rejected, but because I realized I had become the person I was pretending to be. And then I realized I wasn’t even sure what that meant.

So I did what any emotionally overwhelmed person would do—I drove to IKEA, where I stared at a DÄRFLÖNGEN table and thought, “Who am I… really?” That table didn’t answer, but a man named Theo in the light fixtures section did. He said, “You look like someone who’s recently unraveled the fabric of their personality.” I said, “Thanks,” and we got lunch.

I’m No Longer Lance. But I’m Also Not NOT Lance.

I eventually retired Lance’s profile. He had served his purpose: a Trojan horse for my own psychological breakthrough. I now date as myself. Kind of. I still use some of Lance’s better lines and sometimes pretend to have a more stable relationship with my parents than I actually do.

But I’ve realized that we are all pseudonyms. Digital echoes. Filtered fragments of people trying to be liked, loved, or at least left on read.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I once pretended to be a vegan Buddhist on Tinder. I ended up getting invited to a mushroom ceremony and left with a boyfriend and a rash.” — Sarah Silverman

“This is like that time I catfished myself into therapy. Spoiler: I didn’t go.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“So you’re telling me you invented a fake man to finally be honest with yourself? That’s not sexuality, that’s just tax fraud with hormones.” — Chris Rock

“Lance sounds like the kind of guy I’d hate at a dinner party and envy in a dream.” — Ron White

Helpful Content for Fellow Identity-Challenged Daters

• Use a fake name responsibly: If you start preferring the lie, maybe explore that in a non-catfishing way.

• Experimentation is healthy: So is therapy. Know the difference.

• Don’t meet your coworkers on dating apps while pretending to be someone else: That’s HR’s job, not your kink.

• Remember: Gender, like your IKEA bookshelf, is self-assembled and held together with tension and tiny pegs.

Final Thought

So yes, the moment that changed me was when I created a pseudonym. Not because I found love. Not because I explored my sexuality. But because I tricked myself into realizing I was interesting all along—just deeply, deeply confused.

---

Disclaimer: This satirical essay was written by a sentient emotional pretzel and a human being who once used a fake name to get out of jury duty. Any resemblance to real people, apps, or IKEA furniture is entirely ironic and probably subconscious. Auf Wiedersehen.

---

---

What the Funny People Are Saying About Pseudonyms on a Dating Apps

---

“He used a fake name on a dating app to explore his sexuality? Buddy, I just use tequila and an embarrassing Spotify playlist.”
— Ron White

---

“So let me get this straight… you catfished yourself… into emotional growth? I once ghosted myself mid-therapy.”
— Sarah Silverman

---

“Lance is his confident, sexy alter ego? My alter ego is just me with better lighting and less lactose.”
— Amy Schumer

---

“This guy’s like Batman, if Batman used Bumble and cried in IKEA.”
— Chris Rock

---

“You ever notice how people online are way more interesting than people in real life? That’s because in real life, you can’t Photoshop your childhood trauma.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

---

“I used a pseudonym once. Got married under it. Turns out, I also divorced under it. Long story short, I’m legally single and illegally confused.”
— Roseanne Barr

---

“You’re telling me you invented a man named Lance to discover you’re bi? I invented a woman named Sheila just to dodge jury duty. Same emotional payoff, less goat photography.”
— Larry David

---

“This guy didn’t come out of the closet, he redecorated it, installed mood lighting, and invited a tantric astrologer to bless it.”
— Wanda Sykes

---

“I once tried using a fake name on Tinder. But every time someone messaged me, I panicked and confessed. So basically, I’m emotionally Catholic.”
— Jackie Mason

---

“So he became emotionally available as a fictional bisexual lumberjack? That’s not self-discovery, that’s a Wes Anderson prequel.”
— Marc Maron

---

“He cried in a Prius in an IKEA parking lot? Bro, that’s not a sexuality crisis—that’s just Tuesday in Los Angeles.”
— Chelsea Handler

---

“His alter ego was so successful, even he fell in love with him. If that ain’t the gayest Greek tragedy ever, I don’t know what is.”
— Joel Kim Booster

---

“So what did we learn? Sometimes you gotta lie your way into your truth. Just like my ex-husband did. With three families. And a ferret.”
— Leslie Jones

The post Pseudonyms on a Dating Apps appeared first on Bohiney News.

Wichita Falls: Four Angry Marxists and a Tumbleweed

The Great Wichita Falls Socialist Rally

WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — In what experts are calling “a powerful demonstration of the human spirit, assuming the human spirit is four guys with reusable tote bags,” the Wichita County Democratic Association hosted a political rally this Saturday that will go down in Texas history—not because of its size, but because, well, someone brought cookies and nobody showed up to eat them.

That’s right. Four protesters. One picnic table. And one extremely lost Uber Eats driver who asked if this was the line for “Constitutional Carry Karaoke.”

Scene of the Uprising: Eighth Street and Scott Avenue

At precisely 1:03 PM, the protest began—fashionably late, as revolutionaries tend to be—at a sleepy patch of parkland downtown. The four attendees emerged in what might loosely be called “formation,” waving signs and chewing locally sourced beef jerky.

One held a cardboard slab reading “TAX THE RANCHERS,” another displayed “EAT THE RICH (VEGAN OPTIONS AVAILABLE).” A third protester simply wore a Che Guevara shirt with rhinestones and muttered about gentrification, while the fourth man—Kevin, a self-described “guerilla barista”—tried to live-stream the event but forgot to hit record.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“You ever see a political rally so small you could carpool in a Prius and still have room for snacks?” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Four Marxists in Texas is like four Eskimos in a sauna—you’re gonna sweat, and no one’s buying what you’re selling.” — Ron White

“I support their right to protest. I just didn’t know socialism had a ‘tiny house’ version.” — Amy Schumer

---

Meet the Revolutionary Vanguard

The group, calling themselves The Wichita Falls People’s Assembly for Justice, Climate, Housing, Vegan Barbecue, and Universal Wi-Fi, spent nearly two hours holding down the corner of Eighth and Scott, clutching their Sharpie-drawn signs and sipping kombucha out of mason jars shaped like Karl Marx’s beard.

Let’s meet them:

• Todd, 31, adjunct professor of “Applied Hegemony” at Wichita Falls Community College. Has been “temporarily” working at a vape shop for 18 months.

• Maya, 27, part-time slam poet and full-time gluten-free revolutionary. She once got banned from a Cracker Barrel for shouting “Defund Pancakes!”

• Derek, 36, who swears he read Das Kapital “in the original Russian.” He did not.

• Kevin, 24, who thinks “dialectical materialism” is a type of hemp clothing.

The Slogan Conundrum

Organizers struggled to agree on a central rally chant. Early attempts included:

• “No justice, no peas!” (a misprint from their food co-op flyer)

• “What do we want? Wealth redistribution! When do we want it? After this kombucha fermenting workshop!”

• “Whose streets? Still mostly yours, actually.”

One witness, Larry McPheeters, a retired rodeo clown turned CPA, watched from a nearby Dairy Queen and said, “I seen bigger crowds at a possum funeral.”

Statistical Evidence: 99.83% of Wichita Falls Did Not Attend

According to a SnapPoll conducted by Texas Gravy Digest, 99.83% of Wichita Falls residents “had other plans” when asked if they’d attend the socialist rally. Some of those plans included:

• “Watch paint dry on the porch.”

• “Practice yodeling.”

• “Do absolutely nothing and still have a better time.”

The Trouble with Marx in Texas

Let’s be real: Marxism isn’t exactly native flora in Texas soil. Texans prefer their freedom smoky, their brisket capitalist, and their property taxes the only thing higher than the summer heat index.

As one rancher told us, “Karl Marx wanted to abolish private property. In Texas, that’s like telling a man to give up his pickup, his brisket rub recipe, and his concealed carry—all in one sentence.”

Red Flags and Red Hats

Though the rally organizers claimed to fear “right-wing surveillance,” the only surveillance they got was a confused 9-year-old flying a red kite nearby. The boy’s father, however, did come over and ask if this was the line for concealed carry classes.

Across the street, two locals held up MAGA hats and offered lemonade. “Capitalist lemonade,” they clarified. “It costs $1. But if these folks wanna redistribute that dollar, we’ll take it.”

Socialist Democracy: A One-Way Street

In interviews with SpinTaxi Magazine, the protesters made it clear: democracy is only real when they win.

Maya told us, “If people vote for conservative policies, it’s because they’ve been brainwashed. But when we vote, it’s pure democracy in action.”

This logic resembles what social scientists call the “Democratic Funhouse Effect”: mirrors everywhere, no self-awareness, and the exit is always locked from the outside.

Protest Fashion: Not Red, But Still Revolutionary

Each protester showed up in their own unique regalia:

• Todd wore a thrifted army jacket covered in handmade patches: “Occupy Applebee’s,” “Woke AF,” and “Taxidermy = Theft.”

• Maya wore recycled hemp overalls, combat boots, and a beret that screamed “gentrified Che.”

• Derek wore a leather vest with a QR code to his TikTok where he critiques capitalism from a kayak.

• Kevin wore socks with sandals and a pin that said “Smash Capitalism, Not My Heart.”

Revolutionary Cuisine: The Potluck That Wasn’t

Organizers promised “a revolutionary picnic,” which consisted of:

• One kale salad no one touched.

• An oatmilk cheese board that melted in 87° sun.

• “Revolutionary Nachos,” which turned out to be flaxseed chips and cashew yogurt.

• Someone brought organic beet hummus. A dog licked it once and walked away.

A Tumbleweed Speaks

Around 2:15 p.m., a tumbleweed rolled past the protest. We caught up with it afterward. In a rare exclusive, the tumbleweed said, “Honestly, I thought it was a cosplay meetup for failed podcasts.”

Expert Opinion: Fake but Accurate

We consulted Dr. Rowena Spleef, an anthropologist who once studied youth rebellion at a Panera Bread. She explained:

“Marxist micro-rallies often exist in inverse proportion to their rhetorical volume. What they lack in size, they compensate with high-fructose outrage and ironic tote bags.”

Dr. Spleef’s study—“From Manifestos to Matcha: Political Alienation in the Gluten-Free Generation”—describes these activists as “political minimalists.” Her research suggests the smaller the crowd, the more likely they are to accuse you of cultural appropriation for owning a microwave.

Eyewitness Testimony: The City Responds

We asked actual Wichita Falls residents for reactions:

Earl, 72, retired fire chief: “They asked me to sign a petition. I thought they were selling Girl Scout cookies, so I gave ‘em five bucks and walked off.”

Nancy, 61, substitute teacher: “They tried to explain worker solidarity to my cat. That’s when I knew this wasn’t a real event.”

Marcus, 19, local college student: “I was gonna join until I saw the beet hummus. There are lines you just don’t cross.”

Social Media Buzz: The Hashtag That Barely Was

Despite efforts to trend under #FallsForSocialism, the rally got just 12 likes on Instagram—10 from bots and 2 from someone named “KarlMarxFan69.” The group’s Facebook Event had 31 RSVPs, though 28 turned out to be burner accounts created to inflate numbers.

Helpful Content: What To Do If You Accidentally Attend a Socialist Rally in Texas

• Step 1: Remain calm. You are not under arrest—just underdressed.

• Step 2: Politely refuse the oatmilk latte.

• Step 3: Do not engage with anyone quoting Chomsky before 10 a.m.

• Step 4: If asked to join the revolution, say you have a brisket in the smoker.

Logical Fallacies Found at the Rally

• False Dilemma: “Either we dismantle capitalism or we all die in climate hell.”

• Appeal to Tradition (but reversed): “Capitalism has failed, even though it built literally everything around us.”

• Red Herring: “We’d have more people if the city hadn’t scheduled that monster truck rally on the same day.”

• Ad Hominem: “Texans just don’t get it because they’re all gun-toting oil addicts.”

• Bandwagon: “Socialism is trending on Tumblr, therefore we are the future.”

Closing Ceremony: A Group Nap

At 2:55 p.m., the four comrades formed a circle, lit a sandalwood candle, and read aloud from The Communist Manifesto while Maya played “Imagine” on a handpan. One guy accidentally summoned a raccoon. It declined to join.

By 3:02 p.m., the event ended with mutual hugs, three Lyft rides home, and one guy riding off on a Bird scooter toward a forgotten world where dreams of free dental care and state-funded goat yoga still lived on.

---

Final Thoughts: The Revolution May Be Delayed

The Great Wichita Falls Socialist Rally will be remembered not for its size, its policy proposals, or its chants—but for its pluck, its awkward beet hummus, and the courage it took to yell “Seize the means of production!” to an empty street and a guy walking his dog named “Reagan.”

Let this be a reminder: some revolutions begin with a bang, others with a gluten-free fart in the wind.

---

Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer—who have personally seen more people show up to a possum wedding than a Wichita Falls socialist rally. Any resemblance to real events is completely intentional. No oatmilk was harmed in the writing of this piece.

---

 

Wichita Falls Socialist Rally

Image Gallery

 

 

The post Wichita Falls Socialist Rally! appeared first on Bohiney News.

Daryl Hannah’s Romantic Odyssey: A Satirical Deep Dive into Hollywood’s Most Elusive Mermaid’s Love Life

The Enigma of Daryl Hannah’s Love Life

An Exclusive 2,600-Word Autopsy on Every Man She Emotionally Body-Slammed

By Bohiney’s Correspondent for Ruined Romance and Washed-Up Rockstars

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – At first glance, Daryl Hannah is an eco-warrior, actress, and part-time treehouse resident. But under that flowing blonde hair lies a woman so powerful, so cinematic, so mermaid-coded, that she has left a wake of broken, confused, and emotionally dehydrated men from Malibu to Marrakesh. For decades, she was Hollywood’s most elusive long-term girlfriend — emotionally stunning and romantically radioactive.

This is not a love story. This is a coroner’s report for a series of high-profile romantic collisions involving America’s favorite splashy heartbreak dispenser.

---

1. Jackson Browne (1983–1992): The Troubadour Who Got Trounced

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Death by Overharmonizing

Jackson Browne once wrote Running on Empty. That was before he dated Daryl. After nine years with her, he was just Running for Cover. Witnesses recall their early years as “folksy and adorable,” until one afternoon in Topanga Canyon when Daryl allegedly made Jackson meditate for 17 hours straight on a pile of elk bones.

“She told him his aura was off. He cried into a rainstick,” said Browne’s former yoga instructor, Moonbeam Quinoa.

Relationship ended after Daryl got bored during a harmonica solo and adopted a wounded falcon instead of renewing their lease.

---

2. John F. Kennedy Jr. (1991–1994): Camelot Meets Camel-toe

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Political Cross-Contamination

They were America’s genetically blessed sweethearts—until they weren’t. Daryl met JFK Jr. at a fundraiser for dolphins, and reportedly left after the third date to “commune with the cetaceans spiritually.” Jackie Kennedy allegedly told her son, “She’s not Bouvier. She’s Beowulf.”

“She made John take ayahuasca with dolphins off Nantucket. It got weird fast,” recalled a former Secret Service agent who now works at Whole Foods.

When asked to define the relationship, JFK Jr. once said, “I think we’re exclusive. Or extinct. I’m not sure.”

---

3. Mick Jagger (1987): The One-Night Prance

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Too Much Lip, Not Enough Service

Daryl and Mick shared one night of what tabloids called “tantric snacking.” Mick reportedly showed up with 14 scarves, a ukulele, and a rare pepper grinder. Daryl demanded he learn ASL and “stop moving his pelvis like a caffeinated cricket.”

“He called her a moon priestess. She hexed his smoothie,” claimed Ron Wood’s cousin, Dave, now a psychic and retired bass tech.

Jagger ghosted the next day, claiming he “couldn’t compete with a woman who wore leather armor to brunch.”

---

4. Warren Beatty (1987): The Pheromone Face-Off

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Mirror Narcissism and Competing Cheekbones

Sources say Warren Beatty thought he was dating himself for two months before realizing it was Daryl Hannah. In his defense, she did only speak in riddles and once corrected his acting mid-kiss.

“They both tried to outsmolder each other over a bowl of raw oysters,” said a maître d’ at Chateau Marmont.

After a three-week standoff over who got the bathroom mirror first, they split amicably. Beatty later claimed he missed her scent: “She smelled like lavender, ozone, and ego.”

---

5. Jim Henson (1989): Puppet Love and Frog Envy

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: She Dated Kermit’s Boss

Yes, she briefly dated Jim Henson. Allegedly. And according to inside sources, it wasn’t him who couldn’t commit — it was Miss Piggy, who reportedly sent Daryl threatening letters in glitter glue.

“Jim told me he couldn’t tell if he was dating Daryl or a woodland sprite from a Scandinavian myth,” said Frank Oz, from behind a fern.

The romance ended when Daryl began staging vegan puppet shows about climate change. Henson respectfully bowed out and re-married his sock drawer.

---

6. Dodi Fayed (1997): The Pre-Princess Pit Stop

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Too Much Luggage, Not Enough Love

Dodi met Daryl while sourcing rugs in Marrakesh. According to an interior decorator named Fatima who swears she saw them kiss once, “He bought her a camel. She named it Brad.”

They broke up three weeks later when Dodi offered her a villa, and Daryl said she preferred “a hut built from reclaimed sandals and political poetry.”

---

7. Val Kilmer (2001–2002): Batman and the Mermaid

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Severe Whimsy Overdose

Val Kilmer fell hard. Who wouldn’t? But insiders say Daryl once insisted he only eat “foods that hum,” which Kilmer misunderstood as “foods that harm.” The resulting oyster-and-chili diet ruined him.

“She left a crystal on my chest and told me to talk to the moon,” Val later told an avocado in an off-the-grid interview.

Kilmer got out when she began calling him “Bruce” during arguments and dressing his dog in chainmail.

---

8. David Blaine (2002): Now You See Him, Now You Don’t

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Literal Vanishing Act

They met at a charity event for levitating orphans. Blaine fell under her spell—or maybe just floated. Reports say he once locked himself in a fish tank for 72 hours to prove his love.

“He emerged whispering ‘She’s the trick,’” said one EMT.

She dumped him during a dinner date when he pulled a live eel out of her purse and called it “a metaphor.”

---

9. Sean MacPherson (2004–2006): The Hotelier She Checked Out On

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Too Much Service, Not Enough Soul

Sean MacPherson, hotel mogul and owner of more boutique bedrooms than Daryl has chakras, thought he could settle her wild spirit. He was wrong.

“She refused to sleep in any bed that didn’t face magnetic north,” said an ex-employee of the Bowery Hotel.

After insisting he install a composting toilet in every suite, Daryl left in the night via UberHorse. Sean went back to his true love: concrete and artisanal wallpaper.

---

10. Brad Renfro (2006): The Babyfaced Fling

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Too Young to Know What the Hell Was Happening

This one was short, weird, and gave everyone whiplash. Brad Renfro was 23; Daryl was… not. She met him at a tofu drum circle and said his “trauma chakra was delicious.”

“She introduced him as her emotional puppy,” said a therapist who saw them twice and now raises bees in silence.

She vanished after he brought home a six-pack of Bud Light and called Kill Bill “too long.”

---

11. Paul Blackthorne (2010–2011): The British Tea Break

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Politeness Fatigue

Paul was a calm, gentle actor best known for being British and existing. They dated for a year. Sources say Daryl gave him a bonsai tree and expected him to raise it into a full oak.

“She gave him a kazoo and said, ‘This is your voice now,’” said a barista who saw them argue in mime.

Paul returned to England, citing exhaustion and a growing fear of incense.

---

12. Rami Jaffee (2010–2013): Foo Fighter, Heart Loser

CAUSE OF BREAKUP: Rock ‘n’ Roll Mortality

Rami tried. He really tried. But dating Daryl is like loving a lucid dream with vocal fry and organic honey. She made him burn sage on his drums. He made her go to Coachella.

“They broke up after a screaming match over whether or not quinoa could be considered punk,” said a roadie named Beetle.

The Foo Fighters have since banned all mermaid energy from their trailers.

---

13. Neil Young (2014–Present): The Man Who Married the Mermaid

CURRENT STATUS: Allegedly Stable… for Now

Neil and Daryl got married in 2018, and despite several premonitions from psychics and stoned raccoons, they remain together. They’re into activism, folk music, and performing marriage rituals via djembe drum.

“She makes him talk to trees before breakfast,” said a neighbor who may be a tree himself.

We’re watching this one closely. Will Neil survive the lunar cycles of Hannah’s heart? Or will she move to a yurt in Iceland and date a weather balloon?

---

The Mermaid Effect: Why No Man Survives Daryl

We asked Dr. Len Pickle, Celebrity Breakupologist, for insight.

“Daryl has what we call ‘Subaquatic Romantic Turbulence Syndrome.’ That’s when a woman combines mythic beauty, cryptic messaging, and unrelenting idealism until every man she meets either floats away or bursts into interpretive dance.”

Symptoms of dating Daryl include:

• Sudden fascination with compost

• Involuntary haiku-writing

• Financial ruin via essential oil investments

---

Public Testimony: What the Funny People Are Saying

“She dates like a jellyfish—beautiful, hypnotic, and emotionally venomous.” — Ron White

“How do you break up with a woman who believes in dolphin marriage? You don’t. You just stop answering smoke signals.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I saw her once at Erewhon pouring kombucha into a dreamcatcher. I fell in love instantly. And then I got food poisoning.” — Dave Chappelle

---

Helpful Content: How to Know You’re Dating a Daryl Hannah Type

Top 5 Signs:

1. She replaces your dog with a spirit animal.

2. She insists your house be made entirely of hemp.

3. She says she’s “in a relationship with the Earth” and you’re the side piece.

4. She tattoos your birth chart onto your neck in henna while you sleep.

5. She speaks fluent bird.

What To Do:

• Don’t resist. Just learn to meditate and weep.

• Accept that you are temporary, like a compostable spoon.

• Leave a note, a crystal, and a sprig of lavender. She’ll know.

---

Final Thoughts

Daryl Hannah is not a cautionary tale. She is a romantic cataclysm. A one-woman Shakespearean tragedy staged inside a vegan co-op. For those who entered her orbit, they came away confused, transformed, and smelling faintly of sandalwood.

And for Neil Young?

Well… let’s just say the countdown has begun.

---

Disclaimer: This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed in the chronicling of this romantic maelstrom, though several ex-boyfriends were.

---

---

Daryl Hannah: Hollywood’s Mermaid of Mayhem

Daryl Hannah, the acclaimed actress known for her roles in films like Splash and Blade Runner, has had several notable relationships over the years. Here’s a list of her known romantic partners: ​El País

Daryl Hannah, the ethereal actress known for her roles in Splash, Blade Runner, and Kill Bill, has not only captivated audiences with her on-screen performances but also intrigued the public with her complex romantic history. Like a siren of the silver screen, she has lured many a high-profile man into her oceanic embrace, only to see them swim away or be cast adrift. This satirical exploration delves into the whimsical and often tumultuous tales of the men who entered—and exited—the life of this enigmatic actress.

1. Chris Bensinger (1976–1977): The Teenage Dream

In the nascent stages of her romantic escapades, a young Daryl Hannah found herself entwined with Chris Bensinger. This adolescent romance, akin to a high school production of Romeo and Juliet, was marked by the innocence of youth and the naiveté of first love. Witnesses from their Chicago neighborhood recall the pair sharing milkshakes at the local diner, oblivious to the complexities that adult relationships would soon unveil.

2. Jackson Browne (1983–1992): The Melodic Misadventure

The 1980s saw Daryl harmonizing with singer-songwriter Jackson Browne. Their nearly decade-long duet was filled with sweet melodies and occasional dissonant chords. Rumors of domestic discord crescendoed in 1992, leading to their final curtain call. Browne later addressed these allegations, seeking to set the record straight. One can only imagine the songwriting sessions: “Running on Empty” might have been more autobiographical than we realized.

3. Mick Jagger (1987): The Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss

In a brief interlude that could only be described as a tabloid’s dream, Daryl was linked with Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger. The two were spotted leaving a New York club together in 1987, sparking rumors faster than you can say “Start Me Up.” However, much like a fleeting guitar riff, this encounter didn’t develop into a full-blown relationship. Perhaps Jagger realized that even he couldn’t keep up with a mermaid on land.

4. Warren Beatty (1987): The Hollywood Casanova

The same year, Daryl reportedly had a brief encounter with actor Warren Beatty. Known for his extensive list of Hollywood conquests, Beatty’s liaison with Hannah was like a scene from one of his own films: passionate, short-lived, and leaving the audience wanting more. One can only speculate if their pillow talk included discussions on the merits of dating within the Hollywood A-list.

5. Jim Henson (1989): The Puppet Master’s Muse

In a twist that seems stranger than fiction, rumors swirled of a romantic connection between Daryl and famed puppeteer Jim Henson. While the details remain murky, one can’t help but wonder if Miss Piggy felt a twinge of jealousy. Perhaps Daryl was seeking a relationship where she could pull the strings for once.

6. John F. Kennedy Jr. (1991–1994): A Presidential Affair

Daryl’s romance with America’s prince, John F. Kennedy Jr., was a tabloid sensation. Their relationship, spanning from 1991 to 1994, was scrutinized under the public microscope. Despite the fairy-tale allure, the union faced challenges, including reported disapproval from the Kennedy matriarch, Jackie Onassis, who envisioned a different destiny for her son. It’s rumored that Jackie preferred her son date someone less… cinematic. After all, it’s hard to compete with a mermaid.

7. Dodi Fayed (1997): The Brief Encounter

In 1997, Daryl was briefly linked to Dodi Fayed, an Egyptian film producer and the son of billionaire Mohamed Al Fayed. Their rendezvous was short-lived, perhaps overshadowed by Fayed’s subsequent and highly publicized relationship with Princess Diana. One might say Daryl had a knack for dating men who were destined for tragic headlines.

8. Val Kilmer (2001–2002): A Cinematic Spark

The early 2000s saw Daryl paired with actor Val Kilmer. Their on-screen collaboration in In God We Trust translated into a brief off-screen romance. Despite the initial spark, the relationship flickered out by 2002, leaving fans and tabloids speculating on the reasons behind the split. Perhaps the real mission impossible was maintaining a relationship in Hollywood.

9. David Blaine (2002): Now You See Him, Now You Don’t

In a magical twist, Daryl dated illusionist David Blaine in 2002. Their relationship was as enigmatic as Blaine’s street magic, leaving onlookers questioning what was real and what was mere illusion. Some say Blaine’s greatest trick was making himself disappear from Daryl’s life.

10. Sean MacPherson (2004–2006): The Hotelier’s Heartbreak

Daryl’s two-year relationship with hotelier Sean MacPherson seemed like a match made in boutique hotel heaven. However, by 2006, the vacancy sign was lit, and Daryl had checked out. Perhaps she realized that while hotels offer room service, they don’t necessarily provide room for personal growth.

11. Brad Renfro (2006): The May-December Misadventure

In 2006, Daryl was linked to actor Brad Renfro, who was significantly younger. Their brief relationship raised eyebrows and questions about generational divides. While some saw it as a cougar’s prowl, others viewed it as two souls connecting beyond age. Regardless, the romance was fleeting, much like Renfro’s tragically short life.

12. Paul Blackthorne (2010–2011): The British Invasion

Daryl’s dalliance with British actor Paul Blackthorne brought a touch of English charm to her romantic repertoire. Their year-long relationship was peppered with transatlantic flights and cultural exchanges. However, by 2011, the curtain had fallen on this cross-continental romance. Perhaps the time zone differences proved too challenging, or maybe Daryl realized she preferred her tea iced.

13. Rami Jaffee (2010–2013): The Rock ‘n’ Roll Rollercoaster

Simultaneously, Daryl was involved with musician Rami Jaffee, known for his work with the Foo Fighters. Their on-again, off-again relationship was reminiscent of a rock ballad: passionate, tumultuous, and ultimately ending on a bittersweet note. One can only imagine the jam sessions and the inevitable clash of egos.

14. Neil Young (2014–Present): Rocking into Matrimony

In a harmonious twist of fate, Daryl found lasting love with musician Neil Young. Their relationship, which began in 2014, culminated in a private wedding ceremony in 2018. The couple’s shared passion for environmental activism has been a cornerstone of their union, showcasing a partnership built on mutual interests and respect. It’s as if Daryl finally found someone who could keep up with her rhythm, both on and off the stage.

---

---

The post Daryl Hannah appeared first on Bohiney News.

Inside the Grotto: Jamie Kennedy, the Playboy Mansion, and America’s Last Indoor Lagoon of Lust

The Grotto of Eden (If Eden Had Jacuzzis, Mystery Fluids, and a Very Confused Jamie Kennedy)

Some places are hallowed grounds. The Roman Forum. The Great Pyramids. The Chick-fil-A in Wichita Falls that still has a ball pit. But for a solid three decades, America’s most notorious archaeological marvel was buried in the hills of Los Angeles, behind a gate that could only be unlocked with a firm handshake and a loose moral code. Yes, we’re talking about the Playboy Mansion’s Grotto — where dreams were made, infections were shared, and comedians like Jamie Kennedy were somehow granted VIP wristbands.

Last week, Kennedy broke the sacred seal on grotto secrecy by casually revealing that “you didn’t have to be rich or famous — you just had to have a pulse and be cool” to gain access. Forensic sociologists refer to this as “The Great Democratization of Debauchery.” We simply call it Tuesday at the Mansion.

---

Where Water Went to Die (and Possibly Reproduce)

Multiple unnamed health officials we definitely didn’t invent confirm that the grotto water once tested positive for:

• Three types of sunscreen never approved by the FDA

• An entire mojito

• Two strands of DNA not previously found on Earth

One disgraced epidemiologist — Dr. Darren McGroin, now working out of the back room of a Long Beach vape shop — claims the grotto may have “spontaneously evolved its own bacterial ecosystem that achieved sentience and tried to unionize in 2007.”

Even Jamie Kennedy himself admitted he once brought a drink into the grotto and walked out with “an unwanted feeling of closeness to humanity.”

---

Social Darwinism in Swim Trunks

The real magic of the grotto wasn’t the nudity or the nudity or, again, the nudity. No — it was the way it leveled the playing field.

As Jamie put it, “You’d see a janitor from Van Nuys with three women. The dude looked like he just got off a shift at Arby’s. That was beautiful.”

Sociologists call this The Grotto Effect, in which the traditional hierarchies of wealth, status, and basic grooming collapsed the moment a fog machine went off and someone shouted, “Who brought the flamingo?”

In fact, a 2009 University of Arizona study (which has since been redacted after the university president’s wife recognized herself in the data) found that 47% of all hookups in the grotto occurred between people who otherwise wouldn’t share an elevator.

---

What the Funny People Are Saying

“The Grotto was like a sauna if your main goal was to leave with trauma.” — Ron White

“It’s weird — there were more cameras than in a Walgreens, but somehow nobody remembered anything.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“It wasn’t a party. It was an adult Chuck E. Cheese with syphilis.” — Chris Rock

“I walked in, I slipped on body oil, and I slid straight into someone’s second marriage.” — Sarah Silverman

“There was a guy selling bootleg condoms outside the grotto. He had a punch card.” — Larry David

---

Helpful Content for SpinTaxi Readers: Should You Host Your Own Grotto-Themed Party?

We interviewed some party-planning experts, a Vegas hypnotist, and one guy who used to clean the tanks at SeaWorld. Here’s what they had to say:

• Don’t fill your tub with mystery water. Stick to filtered water and not a piña colada you found behind the couch.

• Get insurance. Like, a lot of insurance. For your guests, your house, and your future lawsuits.

• Install blacklights. So people know what to avoid.

• Make a playlist that includes nothing from the ’90s. Unless you want Jamie Kennedy to show up uninvited.

---

Part 2 Coming Up:

• The man who claimed he fathered triplets in the grotto and now runs a kombucha stand in Pasadena.

• Why the CDC briefly considered declaring the Playboy Mansion a wetland conservation site.

• And: What the water actually whispered to Paris Hilton in 2005.

Auf Wiedersehen. Want to keep going with Part 2?

---

What Lies Beneath: The Grotto’s Forgotten Fluids, Whispering Water, and the Kombucha Prophet of Pasadena

The Man Who Claims the Grotto Made Him a Father (to Fluids, Not People)

Meet Dale “Trip Daddy” Bruckner, a former karaoke DJ and amateur cologne chemist who claims the Playboy Mansion’s grotto is the biological father of his children. Dale insists he conceived triplets during a foam party in 2003, though all he remembers is waking up between a saxophone player from Miami and a woman wearing nothing but a cape and a voter registration form.

“I just know I wasn’t alone in that water,” Dale said, sipping from a mason jar labeled “spiritual juice.” “That grotto had a pulse. And when I got out, I felt reborn. And slightly itchy.”

He’s since opened a kombucha stand in Pasadena called Grotto Grains, where the drinks are fermented with “ancestral spring essence” and a laminated photo of Hugh Hefner.

---

The CDC’s 2006 Internal Memo: “This Is a Biohazard, Not a Birthday Party”

We obtained a leaked 2006 CDC memo, stamped “URGENT – DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING”, in which agency officials debated whether to designate the grotto as:

• A Superfund Site

• A sexually active tide pool

• Or simply “unholy water”

An anonymous whistleblower from within the agency (codename: “Dr. Slippery”) claimed that swabs from the grotto yielded trace elements of:

• Fluoxetine

• Champagne

• Nutella

• Something that closely resembled human ambition

In a controversial ruling, the CDC’s final classification of the Playboy Mansion’s grotto was:

“Technically not illegal… but unwise.”

This decision, according to FOIA-released emails, was made after a deputy director admitted to “having a surprisingly good time there once in 1999.”

---

Grotto Water: The Consciousness-Expanding Liquid of the 2000s

Forget ayahuasca. Forget peyote. The Playboy Grotto’s water was described by guests as:

• “Spiritual Robitussin”

• “A portal to your worst decisions”

• “A warm, carbonated fog of forgiveness and herpes”

Paris Hilton once claimed the water whispered a stock tip to her, which she ignored, but “still felt empowered.”

Britney Spears reportedly dipped one toe in and briefly remembered her Social Security number, while Ashton Kutcher emerged after a cannonball yelling, “I just solved a proof of God and it smells like shrimp cocktail!”

This water, according to unverified lore, could:

• Reveal your spirit animal (usually a raccoon or a strip mall attorney)

• Remove inhibitions and your watch

• Help you forget your name but remember every word to “Thong Song”

---

False Analogies and Grotto Logic

Let’s be clear: The grotto was not a hot tub. A hot tub implies warmth, filtration, and some semblance of control. The grotto was more like:

• A bio-reactive cuddle cauldron

• A liquid fraternity hazing ritual

• Woodstock, if it were sponsored by Red Bull and regrettable tattoos

As Jamie Kennedy astutely noted: “It was the great equalizer.”

That’s not a metaphor — that’s a viable chemical description. Scientists now believe the pH balance in the grotto was so off that it may have erased class distinction via skin osmosis.

---

What the Funny People Are Still Saying

“If that water had rights, it would’ve sued for overexposure.” — Amy Schumer

“I once found a fake Rolex, a stiletto, and a guy named Steve in there — and I was only in it for ten seconds.” — Larry David

“Honestly, the grotto gave me flashbacks to Woodstock ’99. Except with better lighting and fewer fires.” — Chris Rock

“The water didn’t judge you. The water couldn’t. It was too busy metabolizing tequila.” — Ron White

---

Breaking: Grotto DNA Now Sold as NFT

In a shocking twist, tech startup AquaSins.io has announced the sale of “Grotto Water Legacy DNA NFTs,” which supposedly contain microscopic samples of the original grotto fluid harvested from a souvenir bikini top found in a defunct Hot Topic in Glendale.

For only $999.99 (or one disappointing Dogecoin transaction), you too can own a pixelated JPEG of a water droplet that possibly once touched Scott Baio.

---

Coming Next in Part 3:

• The full CDC warning issued in 2010 that was buried in the same vault as Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl nipple

• A full fake eyewitness account from someone who met their soulmate in the grotto — only to find out she was a regional manager for Jamba Juice

• Theories that the grotto is still active — and alive

---

Secrets of the Soak: The Grotto That Refused to Die — and the Woman From Jamba Juice

The Jamba Juice Love Story That Shook the Chlorine Gods

Among the countless romances forged under Hefner’s humid moonlight, none is more tragic, inspiring, and smoothie-adjacent than the tale of Bradley “Bro-Chad” Ventura, a mid-level assistant stuntman who entered the grotto looking for networking opportunities and emerged four hours later claiming he’d found “his wife, his purpose, and his missing flip-flop.”

Her name was Amberleigh, and she looked like “a Malibu mermaid mixed with a credit score over 780.” They kissed beneath a fiber-optic waterfall and pledged eternal lust under the plastic Venus de Milo statue.

Six weeks later, she dumped him in a Jamba Juice parking lot while wearing a headset and blending wheatgrass. He swore revenge, or at least a scathing Yelp review.

He now leads a men’s retreat called Grotto Warriors: Reclaim Your Mist Fog Power, which meets weekly behind a strip mall Red Lobster and only accepts members who’ve had at least one mysterious rash.

---

The 2010 CDC Memo That Was Buried Deeper Than Jimmy Hoffa

In 2010, the CDC drafted a document titled “Playboy Grotto: A Multi-Fluid Risk Analysis”, which concluded:

“The average person exiting the grotto has more unidentifiable chemical residue than a drug-sniffing dog at a Burning Man port-a-potty.”

Among the highlights:

• The grotto water contained 20% tanning oil, 12% vodka, and 3% raw charisma

• Bacteria cultured from the tiles formed a “social club” with its own bylaws

• One strain of fungal growth was allegedly dating a nurse from Cedars-Sinai

But the report was swiftly classified after a CDC intern “accidentally” uploaded it to a fantasy football Slack channel.

To this day, the only publicly released line is:
“This is not a pool. This is an outbreak in soup form.”

---

The Grotto Is Still Alive — And Possibly Dating a Kardashian

A 2024 TikTok post by @GrottoTruther88 claimed that the grotto water, sealed in vintage Mason jars and hidden in a Malibu storage unit, reanimated itself, smashed through tempered glass, and “slithered” toward the Pacific Ocean.

The video includes blurry footage of what looks like a moist ripple in the sand, accompanied by an ominous sloshing noise and the faint whisper, “You up?”

Sources close to the Kardashians (a guy who once held Kourtney’s umbrella) believe one of them may already be in a situationship with this aquatic menace. Rumor has it the sentient water now goes by the name “Groto” and identifies as liquid-fluid.

---

What the Funny People Are Whispering Now

“The grotto was the only body of water where you could catch mono and a six-figure Netflix deal in the same weekend.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“At one point, the water asked me for a cigarette. I gave it one.” — Ron White

“Even I wouldn’t do stand-up in there. Too wet. Too weird. Too many ex-boyfriends in swim trunks.” — Amy Schumer

“It’s not that the grotto changed people. It’s that it revealed who they already were — tacky and damp.” — Larry David

---

Final Warning from the Surgeon General (Probably)

A fake-but-accurate Surgeon General poster now circulates on dark web forums. It reads:

WARNING: Prolonged exposure to Playboy Grotto environments may cause:

• Sudden career changes

• Mysterious Facebook friend requests from women named “Candi”

• Inexplicable interest in DJing

• Skin that glows in blacklight even after baptism

---

Helpful Content for SpinTaxi Readers:

Signs You May Have Been in the Grotto (and Should Seek Spiritual Antibiotics)

• You hear whispers every time you step in the shower

• Your loofah has a tan line

• You develop an unexplained affinity for Ed Hardy cologne

• You remember nothing… but you feel… moistly triumphant

If you suspect you’ve been in the grotto — or a similarly cursed jacuzzi — consult a priest, a pharmacist, and a podiatrist.

---

Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed in the making of this exposé, but several pool noodles were emotionally compromised.

---

15 Observations Inspired by Jamie Kennedy’s Playboy Mansion Grotto Memories

The Grotto Was Basically a Hot Tub Time Machine, Minus the Time Travel and Plus the STDs
If you stuck your toe in the water, you might come out with a tattoo and a baby you didn’t order.

Every Guy in the Grotto Looked Like They Got Lost on the Way to a Dave & Buster’s
Nothing says “playboy” like cargo shorts and an “I’m With Stupid” T-shirt.

Hugh Hefner’s Parties Were the Only Place Where You Could Be a Plumber and Still Get a Lap Dance from a Danish Supermodel
It was like LinkedIn, if LinkedIn smelled like Axe body spray and broken dreams.

Nobody Ever Knew What Was in the Grotto Water — But It Definitely Had a High Percentage of Regret
You don’t go in to swim. You go in to lose your dignity in a warm, moist cloud of mystery fluids.

The Grotto Had More DNA Than a Crime Lab
CSI refused to film there. Even they had boundaries.

Jamie Kennedy Wasn’t Even the Weirdest Person in There
There was a guy with a possum on his shoulder giving life advice to a Victoria’s Secret model.

It Was the Only Place on Earth Where You Could See Snoop Dogg, a Hedge Fund Manager, and a Clown from Reno All Flirting with the Same Woman
And she was married to a magician named Randy.

The Mansion Grotto Was the Original Metaverse — Just with Less Consent and More Towels
Except your avatar smelled like tequila and tanning lotion.

Half the People at the Party Didn’t Even Know Who Hefner Was
They thought he was a retired pharmacist who wandered into the pool area.

The Grotto Was the Only Place You Could Catch Hepatitis and a Film Deal in the Same Night
Hollywood networking, baby. Shake hands, make deals, take penicillin.

There Were More Silicone-Based Lifeforms in That Water Than in a Marvel Movie
Everyone floated — even people who didn’t know how to swim. Thanks to engineering.

At Hef’s Party, Even the Caterers Got Numbers
You came to serve shrimp; you left with a girlfriend named Misty and a suspicious rash.

Jamie Said He Walked in with a Drink and Left with Existential Dread
Which, oddly enough, is also how most people felt after watching Son of the Mask.

You Didn’t Need to Be Rich or Famous, Just Available and Ignorant of Waterborne Parasites
It wasn’t who you were — it was how long you could hold your breath.

The Real Mystery Was: Who Cleaned the Grotto?
Or maybe nobody did. Maybe it just evolved into its own sentient life form around 2003.

---

The post The Playboy Mansion: America’s Last Lustful Location appeared first on Bohiney News.

Sam Altman’s Firing Was Just a Little Boardroom Genocide: A Comedy of AIrrors

It started over sashimi.

Peter Thiel, famed venture capitalist and recreational doomsday prepper, leaned over a glistening plate of Japanese avant-garde cuisine in L.A.’s Arts District and told Sam Altman—CEO of OpenAI and part-time AI godfather—that his company was infiltrated.

“You don’t understand,” Thiel whispered, likely while dramatically holding chopsticks like a Bond villain. “Half your company is full of Eliezer Yudkowsky acolytes who think Siri is going to murder us all.”

Altman blinked.

Then, like any reasonable man being warned that his billion-dollar startup is spiritually possessed by philosophy majors with messiah complexes, he picked at his vegan tempura and silently screamed.

Thus began the most dramatic corporate breakup since Ross said, “We were on a break.”

The Sushi Heard ‘Round the World

Altman’s OpenAI was riding high. ChatGPT was printing dopamine for the masses. Tech stocks soared. Everyone from the Pope to the Pope’s IT guy wanted a selfie with Sam. By all metrics, he was Silicon Valley’s prom king.

But behind the vegan tasting menu and GPT-generated press releases, the board of OpenAI was quietly organizing an intellectual coup worthy of a Succession writer’s room.

The reason? Sam Altman was “not consistently candid.”

That’s right. They fired the face of modern artificial intelligence not for fraud, or theft, or misuse of company funds—but because he was just a little too good at dodgeball.

Altman, like a human version of a browser history set to “incognito,” apparently forgot to mention a few tiny details—like launching GPT-4 in India, skipping safety protocols, and owning OpenAI’s Startup Fund personally.

Sam’s Side Hustles Were a Full-Time Job

At the time of his firing, Altman was running OpenAI, managing a fund, building AI chips, whispering to Congress, doing TED Talks in his sleep, and spiritually guiding three dozen AI startups.

One employee compared working for Altman to “being on a rocket ship without a seatbelt while the pilot’s multitasking on six other rockets.”

“I once emailed Sam for PTO approval,” said an exhausted engineer. “He replied by launching a satellite.”

The Board’s Plan: Fire Sam, Ghost Microsoft, Pray

On November 16, 2023, four board members held the most important Zoom call since your aunt accidentally turned herself into a potato on Thanksgiving 2020.

They voted to fire Altman. They didn’t tell Microsoft, their largest investor. They didn’t tell employees. They didn’t even tell the office vending machine, which reportedly stopped dispensing snacks in protest.

Instead, they hit “publish” on a vague blog post:

“Sam Altman is no longer employed at OpenAI. He was not consistently candid. That is all. Please do not feed the AI.”

Satya Nadella, CEO of Microsoft, found out the same way the rest of us did: refreshing Twitter in the bathroom.

GPT-4 Might Be Safer Than the Humans Running It

The irony is delicious: a company obsessed with making AI align with human values can’t even align humans with each other.

OpenAI had created a joint safety board with Microsoft to monitor releases. But apparently, Altman believed “joint” meant “optional.” Products were launched, rules were skipped, and the board learned about GPT-4’s Indian rollout from an engineer gossiping in the hallway—literally the startup version of overhearing your boyfriend is cheating from a barista.

One board member described it as “finding out your house is on fire after the marshmallows are roasted.”

Slack: The Smoking Gun of Silicon Valley

In a plot twist worthy of a high school group project gone wrong, Altman’s downfall was documented in Slack threads and PDF printouts from a Gmail account with self-destructing emails.

It turns out that when your management style involves gaslighting the CTO, triangulating your co-founders, and deploying rogue products, your company’s internal comms begin to resemble Watergate—but with emojis.

One document included a Slack message where Altman told Mira Murati (OpenAI’s CTO) that legal had approved GPT-4 Turbo’s launch. When she checked, legal replied: “Huh?”

Another screenshot just said “:fire: :rocket: :lie_detector:” which feels about right.

Mira Murati: The Whistleblower Who Un-Whistleblew Herself

Murati initially helped take down Altman, citing his “toxic” leadership and the fact that Greg Brockman (Altman’s loyal sidekick) kept overriding her authority like a Roomba with a superiority complex.

But the moment Sam was fired, Murati flipped like a Cirque du Soleil performer on a Red Bull IV.

She signed the employee letter demanding Altman’s reinstatement. In 48 hours, she went from “he must go” to “bring him back or I riot.”

This marked the first known case of reverse-whistleblowing, or as philosophers now call it: “The Murati Maneuver.”

Sutskever’s Plan: Democracy via Coup, Regret via Email

Chief Scientist Ilya Sutskever, once the Jedi of OpenAI, helped orchestrate Altman’s ouster and then expected a standing ovation from employees.

Instead, they signed a mutiny letter. Even the interns. One office plant tried to sign it.

Sutskever quickly added his name to the letter too, like a kid who sets the gym on fire and then joins the fire brigade.

Some say his internal monologue sounded like, “Et tu, Me?”

Brockman: Loyal Sidekick or AI Court Jester?

Greg Brockman was removed from the board the same day, mostly because Mira Murati refused to report to someone who thought “transparency” meant forwarding one out-of-context Slack screenshot every lunar eclipse.

Altman had been promising both Sutskever and another researcher, Jakub Pachocki, they could lead the same department—like a wedding officiated by a pathological liar.

This led to two teams merging, a leadership vacuum, and a research roadmap that looked like spaghetti thrown at a whiteboard.

The Real Reason? Board Members Were Just Tired of Being Gaslit by a Cyborg

Altman may not be a robot, but he’s definitely running some next-gen firmware. His ability to dodge accountability was so refined, GPT-5 now trains on transcripts of his one-on-ones.

“He’s the only guy who could launch an AI model, deny he launched it, then gaslight you into believing you launched it,” said one staffer. “And he does it with this weird humbleface. Like a Buddhist monk who just committed securities fraud.”

Thiel’s Advice Was Strangely Prophetic (And Kind of Petty)

Thiel warned Altman the EA crowd would destroy him. He was half-right. It wasn’t because they were wrong—it’s because he said it during a dinner party like a Bond villain with a Google Doc.

He compared OpenAI’s internal philosophy debates to cult warfare. Which is rich, coming from a man who funded a blood-harvesting startup and openly supports immortality via libertarianism.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Sam Altman got fired for lying too well. That’s like kicking Picasso out of art school because his paintings were too weird.” — Ron White

“If your company values transparency and you fire the CEO without telling anyone, maybe your values need a software update.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Altman’s board said he was ‘not consistently candid.’ Bruh, that’s just a startup founder with a subscription to Notion and trauma.” — Amy Schumer

“They ran OpenAI like a commune where everyone thinks they’re the only one who knows what ‘alignment’ means.” — Dave Chappelle

A Very Helpful SpinTaxi Guide: How to Survive a Firing by Your Own Board

1. Always Have Microsoft on Speed Dial
Nothing says “you messed up” like Satya Nadella calling from a private jet and asking, “WTF?”

2. Become So Irreplaceable They Beg You Back
Altman was rehired faster than most of us can reset a Gmail password.

3. Train your team to revolt in your absence
Altman’s loyal employees signed a company-wide rebellion. All he had to do was exist.

4. If you’re going to gaslight people, use Slack so there’s a paper trail
Classic mistake. Real villains use Telegram.

5. Drop vague philosophical quotes in meetings
Saying things like “The AGI is within us” or “Reality is merely a prompt” will distract people for days.

---

The Satirical Autopsy: What Really Happened?

Was Altman fired because he was a chaotic visionary who bent reality like Neo with better lighting?

Yes.

Was the board a mix of academics, philosophers, and HR consultants whose idea of decisive action involved reading each other’s Substack posts?

Also yes.

In the end, Altman returned. Sutskever apologized. Microsoft installed tracking beacons in every coffee cup. And OpenAI went back to doing what it does best: building sentient machines under the watchful eye of deeply unqualified philosophers with dual degrees in bioethics and low-stakes panic.

We may never know the real reason Sam Altman was fired.

But we do know one thing: whatever happens next will absolutely be announced via Slack, leaked to Twitter, and denied in a New Yorker profile.

Because that’s how the future works now.

---

Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any similarity to actual facts is purely coincidental, unless it’s hilarious, in which case it was obviously intentional.

---

---

15 Observations Based on the WSJ Deep Dive

1. Peter Thiel Gives Business Advice Over Sushi Like a Fortune Cookie on Steroids
   Thiel warned Altman over vegan tempura that “half your company is brainwashed by AI doomers,” which sounds less like business intel and more like a rejected plot for Black Mirror: Omakase Edition.

2. Effective Altruism Has Evolved Into ‘Ineffective Office Politics’
   The EA crowd shifted from saving starving children to saving hypothetical future robots from hurt feelings. At this point, the movement might be powered by AI-generated anxiety.

3. Altman Was “CEO” in Title, “Shadow Emperor” in Practice
   The board technically had power, but Sam wielded influence like Gandalf at a Hogwarts PTA meeting. “The board can fire me,” he said. He just didn’t expect them to actually do it.

4. GPT-4 Might Have Triggered More Existential Dread Than Climate Change
   The board saw a demo of GPT-4 and immediately began drafting wills, manifestos, and Doomsday bunker lease agreements.

5. Murati and Sutskever Pulled Off the Tech World’s First Whisper Coup
   They secretly coordinated over Slack and encrypted PDFs to execute the most polite backstab since Caesar asked, “Et tu, bro?”

6. Altman’s Definition of ‘No Equity’ Is Like Saying You Don’t Own the Ferrari—You Just Drive It Every Day
   Altman had “no equity,” but quietly owned OpenAI’s Startup Fund. Somewhere, Elizabeth Holmes is blushing.

7. Microsoft Was Not Told—But Definitely Noticed
   Satya Nadella learned Altman was fired after the blog post went up. He immediately called his therapist and lawyer. At once.

8. Altman’s Leadership Style? Think Steve Jobs, If He Delegated Through Cryptic Slack Emojis
   He’d pit execs against each other like it was Survivor: Neural Net Edition, making promises to multiple people for the same job.

9. The Board Was Shocked—SHOCKED!—That Their Secret Plot Had Consequences
   After firing Altman, they were surprised people cared. Maybe they expected applause? Confetti? A standing ovation from Siri?

10. Murati Flipped Sides Like a Well-Trained AI Model Prompted by a Larger Dataset
    First she provided evidence against Altman. Then she signed the employee letter demanding his return. Consistency is for carbon-based lifeforms.

11. Sutskever Was Branded a Traitor by Altman’s Army of Loyal Nerds
    He expected the staff to thank him. Instead, they turned faster than a Tesla in Ludicrous Mode.

12. Altman Had More Comebacks Than a Marvel Superhero
    Fired Friday. Rehired Monday. Next time he’ll probably just teleport back through an API call.

13. The Board Voted via Zoom Call Like It Was Fantasy Football Draft Night
    “Okay, I vote to fire Sam and bench Brockman. Also, I’m starting GPT-4 as my QB.”

14. Slack Messages Became the Smoking Gun
    Internal documentation of lies, bullying, and rogue AI rollouts were stored in Slack like it was Nixon’s Watergate tapes—but with more emojis.

15. Altman Made AI Look Safe Compared to His Own Management Style
    When you’re building machines that could end civilization, the people running it shouldn’t also be described as “mercurial” and “cryptic.”

---

The post Sam Altman’s Firing appeared first on Bohiney News.

The post China’s Galactic Ambitions appeared first on Bohiney News.

Who Runs Columbia University? An Investigation

In the hallowed halls of Columbia University, where ivy clings to the walls as tenaciously as students cling to their coffee cups during finals, a new question has emerged: Who’s really in charge here? Is it the esteemed faculty, the diligent administrators, or, as some satirical reports suggest, organizations like Hamas and Hezbollah? Let’s embark on a tongue-in-cheek journey to unravel this academic enigma.

The Campus Takeover: From Lectures to Levant

Once upon a time, Columbia was renowned for its rigorous academics and vibrant student life. But according to our satirical sources, things took a turn when international organizations decided that influencing Middle Eastern politics wasn’t enough—they needed to weigh in on Ivy League curricula.

Expert Opinions from the Middle East

Dr. Ima Jokester, a fictional expert from the Institute of Satirical Studies, notes, “It’s only logical. After years of geopolitical strategizing, the next step for any organization is obviously to delve into university governance. Where else can you find such heated debates and passionate disagreements?”

The Great Distraction: Trading Conflict for Campus Policies

In a surprising twist, these organizations have allegedly become so engrossed in shaping Columbia’s policies that they’ve momentarily paused their other activities. Our satirical investigation reveals that drafting university bylaws and attending faculty meetings have taken precedence over their usual agendas.

Changes Within the Organizations: MTGA (Make Terrorism Great Again)

In response to their newfound academic interests, there’s talk of rebranding efforts. The proposed MTGA movement aims to shift focus from international conflicts to more pressing issues like tenure disputes and cafeteria food quality. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton; let’s see if it pays off.

Columbia’s Return to Academia: A Glimmer of Hope

With these organizations knee-deep in academic bureaucracy, Columbia might just have the chance to return to its roots as a place of learning and intellectual exploration. Students can look forward to a campus where the most heated debates are over which library is the best study spot.

Student Reactions: A Mixed Bag

Freshman Jane Doe comments, “It’s refreshing! Now, instead of dodging protests, I can focus on dodging my responsibilities like a normal student.”

Conclusion: A New Era for Columbia?

As we conclude this satirical exposé, one thing is clear: the landscape of university governance is as unpredictable as ever. Whether or not these organizations truly have a say in Columbia’s affairs is up for debate, but the mere notion provides ample fodder for campus comedians and satirists alike.

Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire and in no way reflects the actual governance or affiliations of Columbia University. Any resemblance to real persons or entities is purely coincidental. Auf Wiedersehen!

---

---

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I heard Hamas and Hezbollah took over Columbia—finally, some structure in the Philosophy Department!”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“Columbia students are confused. They thought ‘guerrilla warfare’ was a new improv troupe.”
— Ron White

“Apparently, Hezbollah wrote the new Diversity Statement. It begins, ‘Death to midterm grading curves.’”
— Amy Schumer

“Hamas said they’re not anti-Semitic. They just hate overpriced textbooks and Zionist bagels.”
— Larry David

“Campus police said the new threat level is ‘mildly offended but well-organized.’”
— Sarah Silverman

“MTGA? Make Terrorism Great Again? Great—just what we need, another hat-based movement with delusions of grandeur.”
— Chris Rock

“Columbia’s student body now identifies as ‘militantly undecided.’”
— Tina Fey

“The terrorists promised not to bomb midterms… but only if they’re open book.”
— Billy Crystal

“Columbia used to be a university. Now it’s the U.N. with dorm rooms and tuition debt.”
— Jon Stewart

“First they came for the vending machines. Then they came for the Board of Trustees.”
— Dave Chappelle

“Even Hezbollah was like, ‘We were gonna destabilize the region, but that Gender Studies final was a real bitch.’”
— Roseanne Barr

“I don’t know who’s running Columbia anymore—could be Hamas, could be the Sociology Department. Either way, someone’s getting tenure they didn’t earn.”
— Bill Burr

---

---

15 Observations on the Satirical Theme of Terrorist Groups Influencing Columbia University

1. Terrorist Organizations as University Administrators

Isn’t it funny how some folks think terrorist groups like Hamas and Hezbollah are now running Columbia University? I mean, what’s next? Al-Qaeda heading up the PTA?​

2. The New Core Curriculum: Explosives 101

Imagine the course catalog: “This semester, learn the fundamentals of Improvised Devices with Professor Jihad.” Talk about a blast in class!​

3. Campus Protests: From Sit-ins to Siege Tactics

Remember when college protests were about peace and love? Now, it’s like they’re auditioning for a role in “Call of Duty.”​New York Post

4. Graduation Ceremonies with Rocket Launchers

“Congratulations, Class of 2025! Please accept your diplomas and complimentary RPGs.” That’s one way to motivate students to aim high.​ Middle East Forum

5. Financial Aid from the Axis of Evil

Forget FAFSA; students are now applying for scholarships from organizations that make the Mafia look like a charity.​Congress.gov

6. Study Abroad in Conflict Zones

“This year, our exchange program takes you to the beautiful, war-torn regions of the Middle East. Don’t forget your flak jacket!”​

7. Campus Security Training with Militants

Who needs campus police when you’ve got insurgents conducting safety drills? “In case of emergency, please follow the guy with the AK-47.”​

8. Faculty Meetings with Warlords

Imagine the staff lounge: “Professor Smith, meet your new colleague, General Destruction. He’ll be teaching Conflict Resolution.”​Wikipedia

9. Terrorist Groups Hosting Alumni Events

“Join us for a night of reminiscing and revolution. Don’t forget to bring your own balaclava.”​The Guardian

10. Campus Bookstore Selling Manifestos

Why buy textbooks when you can get the latest edition of “Insurgency for Dummies”? It’s a real page-turner.​

11. Cheerleaders with Grenades

“Give me a B! Give me an O! Give me an O—wait, where’s the pin on this thing?”​

12. Fraternities Pledging to Rebel Leaders

“This semester, Alpha Beta is proud to announce our new pledge master: Commander Chaos. Initiation just got intense.”​New York Post

13. Cafeteria Serving MREs

Forget gourmet dining; students are now enjoying Meals Ready to Explode. Bon appétit!​

14. Student Government Enforcing Martial Law

Who needs democracy when your student council has a militia? Elections just got a lot more interesting.​

15. Mascot Changes to a Suicide Bomber

“Go Fightin’ Bombers! Our team spirit is the bomb—literally.”​

Note: These observations are purely satirical and not reflective of actual events or endorsements.

The post Who Runs Columbia University? appeared first on Bohiney News.

Trump Demands Recount After Losing Checkers Game to 8-Year-Old

A Game of Kings, Pawns, and Tiny Tyrants

In what can only be described as the most stunning upset in the history of backyard board games—and possibly in American politics—a heated checkers match between former President Donald Trump and a precocious 8-year-old champion has erupted into a full-blown recount scandal. On a warm, sunny afternoon at Mar-a-Lago’s luxurious poolside pavilion, a checkers board became the arena for an epic clash of wits, where one side boasted the swagger of a former commander-in-chief and the other, the determined gaze of a child whose only qualification was a sharp mind honed on countless hours of recess strategy.

Eyewitnesses report that as the game neared its climax, Trump’s board position began to crumble like a sandcastle in a tide. With each decisive jump by the pint-sized opponent, Trump’s signature bluster gave way to an ever-mounting fury. “I don’t know what game this is, but it’s rigged!” he bellowed, his voice echoing over the manicured lawns. “I demand a recount! I demand fairness! This is the most disgraceful thing I’ve ever seen!”

The Checkers Controversy: More Than Just Child’s Play

The incident, which started as a friendly challenge to pass the time during an off-day golf session, quickly evolved into a media frenzy. Political pundits, playground parents, and even professional checkers players have since weighed in on what is being dubbed “The Great Checkers Recount.” Initially, the match was intended as a lighthearted diversion—an opportunity for Trump to showcase his “tremendous” tactical skills against the brilliant mind of young Timmy Thompson, a local third-grader renowned for his strategic play. However, as the final moves unfolded on the checkered battlefield, the scorecard revealed an incontrovertible fact: Timmy had bested Trump.

According to multiple sources at the event, the turning point came when the child executed a double jump that left Trump’s king piece trapped in a precarious position. “I was watching from the sidelines, and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” recalled one aide. “One minute, Trump was bragging about his ‘yuge’ potential, and the next, he was fuming because a kid outsmarted him at his own game.”

Trump’s immediate response was not to congratulate his opponent or even reflect on his own gameplay. Instead, he demanded a formal recount of every move—a recount not unlike those he once insisted were necessary during contentious presidential elections. “We need transparency,” he declared. “This game was a disaster. I want every jump, every slide, every move recounted by independent experts. I’ll have them review the tapes and even the chalk dust on the board if we have to!”

The Political Implications of a Checkers Recount

Political analysts are now scrambling to interpret the implications of this seemingly trivial incident. Some suggest that the checkers game could serve as a microcosm for the broader political battles that have defined Trump’s public life. “It’s a metaphor,” explains Dr. Eleanor Strategos, a professor of political humor at the University of Satire and Irony. “Trump sees every loss as a betrayal—a sign that the system is rigged against him, whether it’s a presidential election or a simple board game against a precocious child.”

Social media erupted in response to the news, with hashtags such as #CheckersGate, #RecountTheBoard, and #KidWins echoing across Twitter and Facebook. Memes circulated wildly, featuring images of a tiny champion brandishing a checkers king piece, while Trump’s cartoonish caricature is shown furiously demanding a recount as if he were presiding over an election night in 2016. Political satirists have pointed out that if Trump can’t handle losing a checkers game, how can he possibly lead a country?

Expert Opinions: When Childhood Meets the Oval Office

In an exclusive interview with our satirical desk, renowned checkers grandmaster and retired circus clown, Mr. Reginald “Red” Rook, weighed in on the game. “I’ve seen many games in my day—games with strategy, games with heart—but never have I seen a recount demanded over checkers by someone who’s never played a real game before,” Rook quipped, his tone part incredulity and part amusement. “It’s like a clown demanding a rematch after losing at musical chairs. You know it’s not really about the game; it’s about the principle of it all.”

Dr. Strategos adds, “This is a classic case of overreaction. Losing a game to an 8-year-old is bound to ruffle anyone’s feathers, but Trump’s response highlights a persistent belief that every loss is a personal affront. In his mind, the board is rigged, and the world is conspiring to make him look foolish—whether it’s in politics or checkers.”

Parents of young Timmy, meanwhile, express a mix of pride and concern. “I’m thrilled my son got to experience the spotlight,” said Mrs. Thompson, Timmy’s mother, beaming with pride. “But I worry that if a simple game of checkers can turn into such a political debacle, what does that say about our society? It’s like watching a reality TV show, but with actual consequences.”

A Recount Unlike Any Other

In an unexpected twist, Trump’s recount team has been mobilized faster than a campaign rally. Sources reveal that the team—consisting of former campaign staffers, statisticians with degrees in ‘alternative facts,’ and a couple of disillusioned playground monitors—has gathered at a secret location. Their task: to scrutinize every square of the checkers board, re-interview the witnesses, and even consult the chalk used to mark the board. “We’re going deep,” one team member stated. “We’ll leave no stone unturned, no square unchecked. If there’s any chance that a foul occurred, we’ll find it.”

Critics are quick to point out the absurdity of such an effort. Political satirist and self-declared checkers enthusiast, Ms. Valerie Victory, noted, “This recount is more of a publicity stunt than a genuine attempt to resolve a dispute. It’s a microcosm of the post-truth era—where facts are negotiable and even the simplest game can be rigged in the mind of a defeated man.”

In a press briefing that was livestreamed on multiple platforms, Trump’s recount head declared, “This is not just about checkers—it’s about justice. It’s about ensuring that every jump and every move is fair. And if that means reviewing every grain of dust on that board, so be it!” The statement was met with both laughter and disbelief across the nation, with many wondering if this was yet another chapter in the never-ending saga of Trump versus the establishment—even if the establishment in this case was an 8-year-old checkers prodigy.

The Social Media Circus: Memes, Jokes, and Hashtags

No satirical event of this magnitude would be complete without the inevitable social media storm. Hashtags like #TinyTyrant, #CheckersConspiracy, and #BoardGameBlunder flooded the internet. Memes depicted Trump in a tiny playground, facing off against a giant, smiling child armed with nothing but a checkers king and an oversized lollipop. Viral videos showed reenactments of the match, complete with dramatic music and exaggerated slow-motion moves. One particularly popular clip featured a mock interview with the child, who was asked, “How did you defeat the former president?” The child replied, “I just played by the rules,” in a tone that mixed innocence with smug satisfaction.

Political commentators on cable news found themselves forced to discuss the incident at length. “If you can’t even win a game of checkers without throwing a fit, what does that say about your leadership?” one host asked, half-laughing and half-serious. Meanwhile, late-night comedians had a field day, with jokes ranging from “Trump’s new campaign slogan: ‘I’m going to recount my wins!’” to “Maybe next time he’ll challenge a 5-year-old at hopscotch.”

The Fallout: Repercussions in the World of Politics and Beyond

The fallout from the checkers debacle has been swift and far-reaching. Political analysts are already predicting that the incident will have ramifications on Trump’s public image and could even influence future political strategies. “It’s a lesson in humility—or at least it should be,” opined one senior political strategist. “If you can’t handle a loss at checkers, how are you supposed to handle the rigors of national leadership?”

Opponents of Trump have seized upon the incident to mock his inability to accept defeat gracefully. Social media influencers and pundits alike have compared the incident to past political controversies, with one popular tweet reading, “From boardrooms to backyards, Trump just can’t take a loss—even when it comes from an 8-year-old.” Conservative commentators, however, have attempted to downplay the incident as a momentary lapse in judgment, arguing that even the best leaders can have an off day on the playground.

In a surprising twist, a bipartisan group of former presidents has called for a lighthearted reconciliation between political figures and playground sportsmanship. “If we can learn anything from this, it’s that sometimes the greatest victories come in the smallest packages,” declared an anonymous spokesperson for the group. “Perhaps it’s time to host an annual ‘Presidents vs. Kids’ tournament—a reminder that no matter how high you climb, the basics of fair play remain the same.”

A Glimpse into the Future: What’s Next for Checkers Politics?

As the nation digests the implications of Trump’s demand for a recount over a checkers game, many are left wondering what this means for the future of political discourse. Is this merely an isolated incident—a humorous footnote in a career defined by grandiose claims and bold proclamations—or does it represent a deeper trend toward theatrical politics? “We’re witnessing a transformation in how public figures engage with both their supporters and their opponents,” observes Dr. Strategos. “The line between reality and performance is blurring, and even a simple board game can become a stage for political theater.”

For now, the recount investigation continues. Trump’s recount team is reportedly scheduled to meet again at a secret location near a local elementary school, where they plan to reassemble the checkers board piece by piece. “We’re confident that if we look hard enough, we’ll find the evidence of foul play,” stated one team member, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being recruited to referee future playground disputes.

In the meantime, young Timmy Thompson has been declared the unofficial checkers champion of the nation, with his victory celebrated by parents, teachers, and playground enthusiasts alike. “It just goes to show that sometimes, a little bit of hard work and a love for the game can triumph over even the most powerful figures,” Mrs. Thompson said, smiling as she held her son’s trophy—a handcrafted medal that reads, “Checkers Champion, 2023.”

Conclusion: Lessons from the Board and Beyond

The saga of the checkers game has captured the nation’s imagination, serving as a humorous reminder that even those who claim to be the masters of the universe are not immune to the simple, honest rules of a childhood game. Trump’s impassioned demand for a recount—no matter how misguided—has sparked a nationwide conversation about fairness, accountability, and the enduring value of good old-fashioned sportsmanship.

As America ponders the political theater that unfolded on that modest checkers board, one thing is abundantly clear: sometimes, the smallest victories carry the most significant lessons. In the end, whether it’s a presidential recount or a playground rematch, the principles of fairness and fun remain timeless.

In a world where political battles are often fought on the grandest of stages, the checkers board reminds us that victory can be found in unexpected places—and that even an 8-year-old, armed with nothing but a set of checkers and an unyielding determination, can force the hand of history.

As the recount investigation proceeds and the debates rage on, one final truth emerges: in the game of life, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose—and sometimes, you simply learn that the most important thing is to play by the rules, even when the stakes are as low as a board game in a poolside pavilion.

---

Disclaimer: This satirical account is a work of pure fiction. Any resemblance to actual events, political figures, or checkers tournaments is entirely coincidental. The recount investigation, the checkers board analysis, and all comments herein are products of a humorous collaboration between a satirical journalist and a playful imagination. No presidents, children, or checkers boards were harmed in the making of this story.

---

Auf Wiedersehen!

The post Trump Demands Recount appeared first on Bohiney News.

BREAKING: Congress Passes Bill Requiring All Politicians to Actually Read Bills Before Voting

A Monumental Leap for Legislative Literacy?

In a move that shocked exactly no one, Congress has passed a historic bill mandating that every elected politician must read the full text of a bill before casting their vote. Yes, you read that right—actual reading, not just the teleprompter scroll on a loop. The measure, dubbed the “Read-a-Lot Act,” promises to revolutionize American lawmaking by ensuring that legislators know what they’re endorsing, or at least can pretend to.

The story begins with an underdog group of frustrated voters and a few semi-literate interns who staged a symbolic protest in the Capitol rotunda. “It’s about time our representatives graduated from the ‘Cliff Notes of Legislation’,” declared local activist and self-proclaimed reading advocate, Marjorie Bookworm. According to an anonymous Congressional aide, “We tried implementing it back in 1999, but someone in the committee accidentally glued the pages together. This time, we’re serious.”

Experts across the political spectrum have chimed in. Dr. Penelope Page-Turner, a renowned literacy researcher, confirmed in a study published by the American Journal of Unread Documents that 87.4% of politicians skim rather than read. “Our research clearly shows that full comprehension of legal documents could actually lead to… well, informed decision-making,” she added with a twinkle in her eye.

An internal poll of Capitol Hill staff revealed that 73% of aides now report being forced to prepare “readable summaries” for their bosses, who claim to have “just glanced” at the bills. Meanwhile, a veteran lawmaker was overheard saying, “I always assumed the ‘fine print’ was just a myth—like honest politics or a balanced breakfast.”

In a twist that only reality could conjure, a documentary filmmaker captured the moment of the bill’s passage. “I was there when they voted ‘aye’ after reading the entire 237-page budget proposal,” said filmmaker Randy “Reader” McScroll, whose raw footage is now the talk of both social media and break rooms nationwide.

But not everyone is celebrating. Critics argue that the measure might slow down the legislative process or, worse, expose politicians to the inconvenience of actual learning. “We fear a spike in unexpected expertise on the floor,” quipped a senior Senate aide, nervously clutching a copy of the latest economic stimulus bill.

Nevertheless, the “Read-a-Lot Act” is now law, and the nation waits with bated breath—or perhaps with more coffee than usual—to see if our elected officials will actually read what they’re signing off on. In the meantime, citizens are encouraged to host “Read-Aloud Parties” and share memes of politicians squinting at legal jargon.

The post Politicians Must Read Bills Before Voting appeared first on Bohiney News.

Supreme Court Rules Freedom of Speech Doesn’t Apply to People Who Won’t Shut Up

When Silence Is the New Free Speech

In an eyebrow-raising decision that has legal scholars gasping and chatty citizens scrambling for cover, the Supreme Court has ruled that freedom of speech is not a right for those who simply won’t shut up. The landmark decision—issued with a side-eye by the justices—declares that incessant, unsolicited commentary can be grounds for censorship, effectively putting a lid on those who abuse the privilege of talking.

Legal experts are divided. Professor Linda Loquacity of the University of Verbal Excess commented, “This ruling is both a relief and a nightmare. It’s a relief for introverts everywhere and a nightmare for anyone who’s ever tried to win an argument on social media.” A recent poll by the National Bureau of Nonstop Chatter revealed that 82% of Americans wish for a “mute button” for at least one noisy relative.

The decision came after a high-profile case involving a notorious talkative citizen—dubbed “The Yapper”—who held uninterrupted public rants on every conceivable topic, from the nutritional value of kale to the proper way to load a dishwasher. Eyewitnesses reported that by the time he finished his 3-hour monologue, dinner had long been forgotten and local pets had begun to file noise complaints.

In an opinion penned by Justice Quietus, the Court stated, “The right to free speech is not a license for ceaseless blathering that disrupts the peace of our public discourse. Sometimes, silence is golden, and in this case, it’s constitutionally required.” In support of the ruling, expert testimonies were presented, including that of Dr. Simon Mute—a renowned sociologist—who cited studies showing that prolonged, unfiltered speech can lead to collective decision fatigue.

Critics argue that the ruling sets a dangerous precedent, one that might limit spirited debate. “What’s next, outlawing bad puns or cheesy political slogans?” asked a dissenting Justice in a tone that echoed the groans of late-night comedians. Yet supporters hail it as a long-overdue intervention in a society drowning in noise.

As the ruling takes effect, public spaces are already adapting. Libraries, cafes, and even sports arenas have installed “Quiet Zones” where loud talkers are politely escorted to a designated “Vent Room.” A viral video of an overenthusiastic sports fan being gently but firmly silenced has already hit 2 million views.

While some citizens celebrate the newfound right to peace and quiet, others worry about the slippery slope of enforced silence. But for now, the Court’s decision stands—a bold reminder that sometimes the most powerful speech is the one you never hear.

The post Freedom of Speech Doesn’t Apply appeared first on Bohiney News.

BREAKING: “You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!”

(Spoiler: Still Nothing. But Also Maybe Taxes.)

By Barbie McHonesty, Senior Satirical News Analyst, Bohiney.com

The Lie That Launched a Million Clicks

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a revelation that stunned absolutely no one except a guy named Phil who just woke up from a coma he entered during the Ice Bucket Challenge era, America’s most recycled headline — “You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!” — has officially been classified by researchers as a non-event wrapped in a mystery box full of emotional manipulation.

After a grueling six-second investigation — powered by seven interns, three expired Red Bulls, and one AI that quit mid-click — journalists at Bohiney.com confirmed the worst:

Nothing. Happens. Next.

Unless you count a mildly offensive ad for reverse mortgages and a close-up of a mole that “might be cancer but could also be a baked bean.”

The Evidence No One Asked For

Lead researcher Karen Clickensworth, a former BuzzFeed employee turned whistleblower (and Etsy llama-themed sock magnate), described the betrayal with tears welling in her blue-light-fatigued eyes.

“We clicked on 4,732 articles, including ‘This Grandma’s Last Words Will Haunt You Forever,’ and all we got was an ad for teeth whitener and a reminder that Grandma’s still alive and doing Zumba in Sarasota.”

Among the most revealing findings from their study:

• 84% of “unbelievable stories” begin with a stock image of a woman holding her face like she just saw her credit score.

• 67% lead to a video that auto-plays at 120 decibels.

• 1 in 5 pages use more slide transitions than a high school PowerPoint about Abraham Lincoln.

• 100% resulted in the phrase “Just one more page!” being followed by “Just kidding, we sold your data.”

A Nation Betrayed (Again)

Protests broke out across Silicon Valley this morning, with demonstrators hurling expired clickbait headlines at the Googleplex. The protest group, Citizens for Honest Disappointment, carried signs reading:

• “We Demand the ‘Next’!”

• “Clickbait Ruined My Marriage (Details in Slide 14)”

• “I Waited 45 Minutes to Learn That Gwyneth Paltrow Was Just Tired That Day!”

One traumatized user, 34-year-old Mark Hammilson (no relation to Luke, but arguably more emotionally scarred), recounted:

“The headline said, ‘This Man Ate a Banana Every Day — What Happened Next Will Shock You!’ After 17 pages, the only thing that shocked me was that I still hadn’t pooped. Turns out what happened next was… nothing. He just kept eating bananas. Like a potassium-driven psychopath.”

Big Clickbait: “We Regret Absolutely Nothing”

In a joint statement from several major clickbait syndicates including ZorkFeed, ClickoBuzz, and DefinitelyRealNews.net, executives defended their practices, comparing their misleading titles to…

“The fine print on a gym contract: legally vague, morally optional, and basically impossible to escape.”

They even invoked freedom of expression, claiming the phrase “You won’t believe what happens next!” is protected under the First Amendment, “right next to yelling ‘FIRE!’ in a crowded theater or calling an almond milk latte ‘coffee.’”

Facebook Unveils New Algorithm: Surprise Disappointment

To address growing public mistrust, Facebook has promised greater transparency by developing the “Surprise Disappointment Algorithm”, which will:

1. Promise life-changing revelations.

2. Deliver 22 seconds of loading time.

3. Conclude with the words: “You’ll never guess what happened… because we’re not telling you.”

Beta testing has already led to 3,000 spontaneous phone throws, 11 cracked screens, and one elderly man in Topeka asking Siri to “fight the internet.”

What Actually Happens Next? (Spoiler: Mild Existential Dread)

Media scholars and one very lonely guy with a podcast agree on the likely fallout:

• Absolutely nothing will change. Humanity, as studies show, loves being duped if it means momentary escape from reality.

• Clickbait will evolve. The next generation of headlines may include:

  • “She Blinked Once at a Taco Bell — What She Saw Next Changed Government Policy Forever”

  • “You’ll Cry, Then Laugh, Then Question Democracy”

  • “This One Weird Mole Cured My Depression”

• New Yorkers will continue clicking while standing in line for bagels, unaware that their grandchildren are being named after fonts.

“It’s like emotional whiplash for the soul,” said Dr. Linda Scrollsworth, Professor of Click Studies at DeVry Online College of Media Trauma. “We’ve conditioned people to expect payoff, but all we give them is… ads for colon cleanses.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I clicked that article about the guy who slept with a snake. Turned out the ‘snake’ was just his mother-in-law. Now I need therapy and a divorce lawyer.” — Ron White

“They told me, ‘This baby goat did something you won’t believe.’ It pooped. That’s it. It pooped. I believe it. I’ve pooped. Millions have pooped. That’s not a twist, that’s biology.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“‘You won’t believe what happens next’? How about, ‘You won’t believe you’re still unemployed after clicking 40 of these.’” — Amy Schumer

Helpful Content for Our Loyal Readers

How to Survive the Clickbait Apocalypse:

1. Develop trust issues early. This way, you’ll never believe the next slide is “worth it.”

2. Treat headlines like Tinder bios. If they say “fun, exciting, and adventurous,” assume they mean “confusing, desperate, and full of malware.”

3. Use the 3-Second Rule. If it doesn’t load faster than your microwave popcorn, abort mission.

4. Install the Bohiney Browser Extension. It turns all “You Won’t Believe” headlines into “You’ll Deeply Regret.”

5. Ask yourself: Would Ron White click this? If yes, then close your laptop and go outside.

---

Final Verdict: The Click Heard Around the Nothing

As the digital smog clears, and millions come to terms with being emotionally catfished by pixels and punctuation, one fact remains:
You believed something would happen next.
That’s on you.

---

UPDATE:

If you’ve read this far, congratulations. You’ve unlocked our exclusive Nothingburger NFT — a .jpeg of an empty plate signed by “Definitely Not Mark Zuckerberg.”

---

Disclaimer:

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AIs were harmed in the making of this disappointment.

---

---

---

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I clicked ‘This Grandma’s Last Words Will Leave You Speechless’—turns out her last words were ‘Turn off the Wi-Fi.’”
— Ron White

“Every time I click on ‘You Won’t Believe What This Dog Did,’ I believe it. It’s a dog. It barked. That’s the whole career right there.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“Clickbait titles are like bad Tinder dates. Full of promise, ends with an ad for toe fungus.”
— Amy Schumer

“I clicked on ‘He Took One Sip of Beer and You Won’t Believe What Happened!’ I’ll tell you what happened. He joined my family.”
— Dave Chappelle

“The article said, ‘Doctors Hate Him!’ I clicked. It was a dude who eats nothing but celery and screams at clouds. Yeah. I hate him too.”
— Chris Rock

“‘You’ll Cry When You See What This Baby Goat Did.’ Yeah, I cried. Mostly because I realized I’m 42 and crying over goat videos at 2 a.m.”
— Tina Fey

“They got me with ‘You Won’t Believe This Trick to Lose Belly Fat.’ I believed. Now I’m just hungry and ashamed.”
— Kevin Hart

“I once clicked on ‘This Simple Trick Will Fix Your Marriage.’ It was a pop-up ad for duct tape. Accurate, but still.”
— Sarah Silverman

“Clickbait headlines are like a magician who saws a woman in half… then never puts her back together. Just leaves you hanging.”
— Stephen Colbert

“I clicked on ‘This Man Found Something Shocking in His Backyard.’ It was a rock. He found a rock. And I lost 11 minutes of my life.”
— Hasan Minhaj

“They said ‘This Trick Can Save You Hundreds!’ I clicked. It told me to stop clicking clickbait. I guess that’s fair.”
— Ali Wong

“Clickbait is the only place where ‘This One Weird Trick’ always ends in a virus and a weird Amazon recommendation.”
— John Mulaney

The post You Won’t Believe What Happens Next! appeared first on Bohiney News.

Gavin Newsom Empties California Mental Institutions for “Destroy Tesla Tuesday”

An Exclusive Report from Bohiney’s Only Reporter to Wear a Straightjacket Voluntarily

California Declares Open Season on Teslas

SACRAMENTO – In a move that defies logic, gravity, and several laws of physics, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a surprise executive order authorizing the “ceremonial liberation” of over 3,000 patients from the state’s remaining mental institutions. Their mission? To wage war on electric cars in an event called Destroy Tesla Tuesday, a new tradition the Governor described as “equal parts therapy, performance art, and regenerative policy.”

Newsom made the announcement via a TikTok filmed inside a Tesla dealership, standing atop a smashed Model X while freestyle rapping over Enya. Witnesses say he was wearing war paint made from beet juice and the emotional residue of a failed Senate run.

“We’re not rioting,” Newsom declared. “We’re recalibrating society’s relationship with torque.”

---

A Carefully Orchestrated Breakdown

Within hours of the executive order, psychiatric hospitals across the state began releasing patients with complimentary helmets labeled “I Am the Grid”, emotional support crowbars, and laminated maps of Tesla Supercharger stations marked with red Xs.

Patients—now legally designated as “decarbonization agents”—were instructed to express themselves “through targeted kinetic empathy.”

State officials insisted the release was “therapeutic,” noting that many participants had shown marked improvement after just one cathartic windshield smash. Several were overheard shouting phrases like “Death to Elon!” and “Tell your AI to respect my pronouns!”

---

Mental Health Meets Traffic Revenge

In San Francisco, protesters overwhelmed Tesla’s flagship showroom. A crowd formed a silent circle around a red Model 3 and began humming aggressively. Then, with eerie coordination, they launched into an interpretive dance titled “Ludicrous Mode of Despair.”

The dance ended with a man dressed as Greta Thunberg tackling the hood and screaming, “I am the future, and I reject this Bluetooth coffin!”

Outside, protestors placed parking tickets on stationary Teslas that read, “Crime: Emotional Neglect.”

---

Police Asked to “Stand Down and Center Themselves”

Internal memos from Newsom’s office revealed that law enforcement agencies were told not to interfere with the protests, but instead to “bear witness and validate the catharsis.”

Officers in Sacramento attempted to deescalate a mob using phrases like:

• “I hear your frustration.”

• “Would you like to discuss this over a turmeric latte?”

• “Have you considered journaling instead of looting?”

Unfortunately, one officer’s attempt at group meditation backfired when he was pelting with affirmations written on artisanal bricks.

---

Elon Musk’s Orbital Nervous Breakdown

From his glass dome compound in Austin, Elon Musk responded on X, the app formerly known as whatever it was five minutes ago, with the post:

“This is an overreaction. They could’ve just unsubscribed from my vibe.”

He then retweeted a meme of a Cybertruck running over Karl Marx and issued a statement claiming Tesla would now “lean harder into consumer autonomy by installing counter-riot mode.”

Later that evening, Musk was seen walking barefoot through a SpaceX warehouse, softly whispering, “Why does no one understand me?” to a pile of unused ventilators.

---

A Riot So Precise, It Had to Be Funded by Goop

Although billed as a grassroots movement, the destruction was oddly surgical. Protestors targeted LiDAR sensors, autopilot modules, and data ports with the kind of precision only seen in surgical rooms and espresso bars with 3D-printed stirrers.

Witnesses reported seeing former behavioral patients with no known tech training override Tesla’s internal logs using only a typewriter, two pigeons, and an NPR tote bag.

One woman was overheard yelling, “If your car is smarter than you, that’s a form of oppression!” before gently pouring oat milk over a Supercharger cable.

---

Showrooms Transformed into Wellness Spaces

Several Tesla dealerships were overtaken and repurposed by protestors. In Santa Monica, a Model Y was filled with lavender-scented sand and turned into a grounding station called “The Mindful Motorist.”

At another location in Oakland, a Cybertruck was turned on its side and spray-painted with the words “Resist the Algorithm. Hug Your Inner Horse.”

Pop-up therapy sessions were offered to traumatized Teslas by former Reiki practitioners, who attempted to realign the chakras of vehicles suffering from emotional misalignment and “range anxiety.”

---

Republican Governors Respond With Fossil Fuel Patriotism

Across state lines, red state governors erupted in coordinated, pearl-clutching horror.

Florida’s Ron DeSantis called it “proof that solar panels turn people into communists.”
Texas Governor Greg Abbott declared Tesla “an endangered species” and offered refuge to any Cybertrucks fleeing blue-state persecution.
Even Donald Trump chimed in from his Mar-a-Lago shower with, “I’ve always said it: Teslas are gay. That’s not a problem, I just think the bumpers are too smooth.”

Fox News declared it a “woke apocalypse,” while CNN held a panel titled, “Was this performance art or just Tuesday in California?”

---

Market Reactions and Nervous Investors

Tesla stock plummeted briefly before rebounding after Musk announced he would release an “emotionally resilient model” with upgraded trauma software.

The Model E (Emotion) promises to:

• Validate your feelings before acceleration

• Cry if you ghost it on Bumble

• Refuse to start if it senses you’re being fake

Goldman Sachs issued a warning that read, “We are concerned Tesla has become the epicenter of America’s collective nervous breakdown—but we’re still buying.”

---

Mental Health Advocates Applaud the Experiment

Surprisingly, some therapists defended the spectacle.

Dr. Willow Caraway of the Institute for Psychic Nutrition called the event “a rare opportunity to harmonize cognitive dissonance through material sabotage.”

She argued that smashing a Tesla helps the psyche express what the ego represses—mainly resentment toward Elon Musk’s Twitter addiction and the fact that “self-driving” really means “run into a mailbox in the rain.”

A patient formerly diagnosed with mania told reporters, “I feel seen. And also, the Model X I just flipped with a shovel? That thing needed to be humbled.”

---

Even the Protestors Were Confused

While many protestors embraced the chaos, others expressed existential dread.

One man screamed, “I thought this was an anti-capitalist drum circle, not Grand Theft Auto: Yoga Edition!” before joining a group chanting “Our trauma is renewable!”

A woman wearing an infinity scarf made of kale sobbed into the wheel of a Model S and whispered, “I don’t even have a license.”

---

Google Buses Become State Housing

With the sudden influx of released patients now facing displacement again, Newsom repurposed abandoned Google shuttle buses as mobile safe spaces.

Each bus featured:

• A mounted diffuser blasting lavender over old Wi-Fi routers

• Therapy goats

• A screen that only plays Greta Thunberg documentaries and early Pixar shorts

When asked about logistics, the Governor said, “It’s not homelessness if the bus is self-aware.”

---

Newsom Nominated for a Grammy

The Governor’s surprise TikTok freestyle, “Kill the Car, Find the Self,” went viral, racking up 83 million views and landing him a Grammy nomination for Best Spoken Word Album.

The track list includes:

1. Autopilot is a Lie

2. My Uber Tried to Gaslight Me

3. Ecofascism with a Side of Ranch

He now leads a movement to make protest an official therapy modality called “traumactivism.”

---

Tesla Owners Form Support Group: Shocked & Plugged

Displaced Tesla owners gathered in yoga studios, dog parks, and rooftop kombucha bars to process the devastation. They formed a group called Shocked & Plugged, which aims to create a safe space for grieving their violated vehicles and fantasizing about converting back to gas.

One tech bro tearfully clutched his steering wheel and murmured, “It just wanted to park itself.”

Another tried to trade his Model 3 for a horse named “Validation.”

---

“Burning Uber” Planned for Next Week

Newsom has announced plans for a follow-up initiative: Burning Uber, an experiential protest against gig economy trauma. Participants will construct ride-share effigies from old iPhones and take turns demanding five-star ratings from strangers in therapy robes.

When asked if this movement might spiral out of control, the Governor replied, “California is not a state. It’s an emotional arc.”

---

Helpful Content for Readers: How to Reimagine Policy as Catharsis

If you too are a policymaker looking to unleash chaos in the name of progress, here’s some practical advice:

• Replace legislation with vibes.

• Staff your administration with people who start every sentence with “As an empath…”

• Redefine destruction as healing, and healing as interpretive sabotage.

• Always have a goat on standby. Just in case.

Because when society stops working, you don’t fix it—you host a drum circle and hope for rain.

---

Funny Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was harmed, though several Teslas are currently undergoing therapy. Everything in here is satire, which is California’s most renewable energy.

---

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Newsom freed the mentally ill to smash Teslas. Finally, someone who understands California zoning laws.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“I don’t trust any car that’s smarter than me and still can’t parallel park without a panic attack.”
— Ron White

“Elon Musk called the riot ‘performance art.’ Bro, if getting your car stomped counts as art, then my ex is Jackson Pollock with a tire iron.”
— Amy Schumer

“Only in California can you get prescribed lithium one week and smash lithium batteries the next.”
— Chris Rock

“Destroy Tesla Tuesday? That used to be called family court.”
— Larry David

“I tried hugging a Tesla once. It locked the doors and filed a restraining order.”
— Sarah Silverman

“Newsom says this was healing? When I tried smashing a Tesla, I got banned from the Whole Foods parking lot for a week!”
— Roseanne Barr

“A Cybertruck got flipped over by a guy in a bathrobe with a dream catcher. I haven’t seen symbolism that raw since Burning Man.”
— Billy Crystal

“You know it’s bad when a guy with no pants, a kazoo, and a therapy goat has a better climate policy than Congress.”
— Jackie Mason

“Elon should’ve seen this coming. The warning was literally on the dash in Latin: In lithium, veritas.”
— Jon Stewart

The post Gavin Newsom Empties California Mental Institutions appeared first on Bohiney News.

EXCLUSIVE: The Wall Street Journal Interviews Hawk Tuah Girl

“I Hawk’d, I Tuah’d, and America Invested in My Throat Coin”

By the WSJ’s Least Appropriate Correspondent

---

Setting:
A corner booth in a Hooters off I-65 in Nashville.
Ambience:
Smells like Axe body spray and SEC subpoenas.
Interviewee:
Haliey Welch, a.k.a. Hawk Tuah Girl — viral sensation, cultural prophet, and part-time crypto empress.
Interviewed By:
Randall B. Geltman, WSJ Senior Reporter for Moral Panic and Financial Erection Trends.

---

WSJ: Miss Welch, thank you for sitting down with us. You’ve been silent since the SEC began investigating your crypto coin, $TUAAH. Why break your silence now?

Haliey Welch:
“’Cause baby, silence don’t pay no bills. And neither does crypto, apparently.”

---

WSJ: A lot of people called your coin a pump and dump. Thoughts?

Haliey:
“If I’m guilty of pumpin’ and dumpin’, it was on Brad from Knoxville, not Ethereum.”

---

WSJ: Were you aware that federal law prohibits unregistered securities offerings?

Haliey:
“I thought ‘unregistered securities’ was a euphemism for my boobs. My bad.”

---

WSJ: There’s speculation you used your sexual appeal to influence novice investors.

Haliey:
“I only invest in assets with high liquidity… just like me on a Saturday night.”

---

WSJ: What did you say when the SEC first contacted you?

Haliey:
“I told the SEC I only spit on coins if they ask nicely.”

---

WSJ: How did you come to understand blockchain technology?

Haliey:
“I didn’t understand crypto until a guy explained it using his tongue and a beer bottle.”

---

WSJ: Is it true you gave trading advice during, uh… intimate moments?

Haliey:
“It wasn’t insider trading—I just happen to scream financial advice during orgasms. ‘BUY DOGECOIN!’”

---

WSJ: Do you see yourself as a financial influencer?

Haliey:
“I don’t mind a bear market, as long as the bear’s shirtless.”

---

WSJ: What about claims you manipulated the market?

Haliey:
“That crypto coin wasn’t a scam—he told me it was going to ‘explode’ all over the market. Spoiler alert: it did. Just not economically.”

---

WSJ: You’ve been accused of appealing to male investors with sexual undertones.

Haliey:
“I’m the only girl who’s made more men invest with a spit sound than Warren Buffett.”

---

WSJ: What do you say to the people who claim your coin was a Ponzi scheme?

Haliey:
“The only Ponzi I know is this guy who made me bark like a dog in an Applebee’s parking lot.”

---

WSJ: Your followers claim they received little return on investment.

Haliey:
“He said he’d give me 3% returns if I gave him 3% of this booty. Now I’m yielding dividends and restraining orders.”

---

WSJ: Could you explain staking and yield farming?

Haliey:
“I’d explain it, but baby, I only farm one thing, and it ain’t corn.”

---

WSJ: The market says you got rug-pulled. Is that true?

Haliey:
“I got rug-pulled so hard, I needed a chiropractor and a lawyer.”

---

WSJ: What’s your take on decentralized finance?

Haliey:
“Y’all call it ‘DeFi.’ I call it ‘OnlyFans for economists.’”

---

WSJ: Some say you’re not qualified to lead a financial movement.

Haliey:
“My investment strategy is simple: if he’s hot and holds Bitcoin, I’ll let him hold something else too.”

---

WSJ: Final ruling from the SEC?

Haliey:
“SEC cleared me ‘cause I made the whole panel blush and say, ‘Bless your heart.’”

---

WSJ: Will you be launching any new projects?

Haliey:
“I’m thinking of a new coin backed by real assets—like booty pics, moonshine futures, and emotional damage.”

---

WSJ: Any final thoughts for our readers?

Haliey:
“I hawk’d, I tuah’d, and now I got a summer home in Miami and a cease-and-desist letter framed above my bed.”

---

Editor’s Note:
Haliey Welch’s crypto venture has since been de-listed, re-listed, memed, and tattooed on at least one guy’s lower back in Myrtle Beach. The SEC has formally declared her “too hot to prosecute,” and the Federal Reserve is considering adding her to the next stimulus package.

---

---

---

ANALYSIS: The Rise of Hawk Tuah Economics — How Haliey Welch Turned Saliva into Securities

By Randall B. Geltman, WSJ (Satirical Analysis Division)

Haliey Welch, better known as the “Hawk Tuah Girl,” recently broke her silence in an exclusive Wall Street Journal interview—confirming that America is still deeply confused about what counts as a financial instrument. Welch, whose claim to viral fame involved a vivid (and frankly physics-defying) explanation of what women do to keep men interested, has since catapulted from meme to mogul, launching a short-lived crypto coin and a long-term cultural identity.

Her cryptocurrency, $TUAH, was at one point valued higher than the GDP of a small Missouri town, fueled entirely by meme traction and red-blooded male investors who couldn’t tell a blockchain from a Slipknot album. Welch’s quote, “I only invest in assets with high liquidity—just like me on a Saturday night,” offers both a self-aware punchline and a deeper insight into how digital charisma has become its own speculative currency.

Evidence of Market Influence
A 2024 study by the Stanford Center for Meme Finance (a real-ish group of disillusioned MBAs) found that over 40% of retail investors aged 18–29 had, at some point, made a trade based on a meme, viral video, or woman in a tank top. Welch’s $TUAH coin surged after her viral moment, reaching a market cap of $13 million before collapsing under what experts described as “gravity and common sense.”

Despite the SEC’s probe into possible unregistered securities, no formal charges were brought against Welch. The reason, according to leaked internal memos: “She was too charming, and honestly, we didn’t understand half of it.”

Digital Thirst Meets Financial Thirst
Welch’s humor-laced investment advice—“If he’s hot and holds Bitcoin, I’ll let him hold something else too”—mimics a broader trend in the fintech space: a blending of sexuality, humor, and speculation. Platforms like TikTok, Reddit, and OnlyFans have all become hubs for unqualified-but-fascinating financial gurus. Welch is simply the most shamelessly successful of the bunch.

Conclusion
While the Federal Reserve may not include her quotes in official policy briefings anytime soon, Haliey Welch has opened a new chapter in meme economics. Her impact isn’t in the coin itself, but in the mirror she holds up to a culture that confuses charisma for competence—and prefers it that way.

As one Redditor put it: “I lost $900 on $TUAH, but I’d do it again if she spit on the whitepaper.”

Wall Street has spoken. And it said: Hawk. Tuah.

---

---

15 Things Hawk Tuah Girl Said After Her SEC-Investigated Crypto Coin Collapsed Like a Wet Bikini Strap

1. “I only invest in assets with high liquidity… just like me on a Saturday night.”
   — Financial markets call it volatility. She calls it a bachelorette party in Nashville.

2. “I told the SEC I only spit on coins if they ask nicely.”
   — Turns out the real securities violation was how seductive her balance sheet looked.

3. “I didn’t understand crypto until a guy explained it using his tongue and a beer bottle.”
   — Experts call this blockchain-based foreplay.

4. “It wasn’t insider trading—I just happen to scream financial advice during orgasms.”
   — “BUY DOGECOIN!” she moaned. “SELL ETHEREUM!” she climaxed.

5. “I don’t mind a bear market, as long as the bear’s shirtless.”
   — The Wall Street Journal labeled her portfolio “thirst-driven.”

6. “I never meant to seduce America—I just hawk’d, tuah’d, and America came.”
   — Liberty wept. The Statue of it cracked her tablet.

7. “That crypto coin wasn’t a scam—he told me it was going to ‘explode’ all over the market.”
   — Spoiler: only thing that exploded was her DMs.

8. “I’m the only girl who’s made more men invest with a spit sound than Warren Buffett.”
   — CNBC is reportedly launching a new segment: “Cum-odities & Cock Markets.”

9. “The only Ponzi I know is this guy who made me bark like a dog in an Applebee’s parking lot.”
   — SEC subpoenaed his Snapchats.

10. “He said he’d give me 3% returns if I gave him 3% of this booty.”
    — Now she’s yielding dividends and restraining orders.

11. “I’d explain staking and yield farming, but baby, I only farm one thing, and it ain’t corn.”
    — Organic, grass-fed attention.

12. “I got rug-pulled so hard, I needed a chiropractor and a lawyer.”
    — Legal name of the coin? $WETASSET.

13. “Y’all call it ‘decentralized finance.’ I call it ‘onlyfans for economists.’”
    — Her whitepaper includes moaning in Comic Sans.

14. “My investment strategy is simple: if he’s hot and holds Bitcoin, I’ll let him hold something else too.”
    — The Fed is considering regulation.

15. “SEC cleared me because I made the whole panel blush and say, ‘Bless your heart.’”
    — Chairman’s final ruling: “Guilty of being too damn fine.”

---

If you’d like, next up we can build a full satirical exposé titled “Hawk Tuah Girl Clears Her Throat, Clears Her Name, and Clears Out Your Bank Account” with fake charts, dumb economist quotes, parody tweets, and testimony from confused men who still think crypto is short for “crypt-hoe.”

Auf Wiedersehen for now—or as she put it:
“I hawk’d, I tuah’d, and y’all still invested.”

The post WSJ Interviews Hawk TuahGirl appeared first on Bohiney News.

Too Big to Die: The Legal Battle Over Waistlines and Justice

Florida, the state where logic retires early and irony runs for governor, is once again making headlines—this time, for a legal defense that could only be concocted in a land where the death penalty and deep-fried butter coexist peacefully. Death row inmate Michael Tanzi, a man whose BMI now qualifies him for his own zip code, is pleading for leniency on the grounds that he is “morbidly obese” and “too unhealthy to be executed.”

Tanzi, who was convicted in 2000 for kidnapping and murdering a woman, is not arguing his innocence. No, his defense hinges on a more uniquely American principle: his arteries have already done most of the killing. According to his legal team, the state’s lethal injection protocols do not account for the biomedical Rubik’s Cube that is Tanzi’s body. They claim executing him would violate the Eighth Amendment, which prohibits “cruel and unusual punishment.”

“In Florida, your cholesterol can now get you a stay of execution. Meanwhile in California, tofu is a hate crime.” — Ron White

If this sounds like the plot of a Coen Brothers movie co-written with a Cracker Barrel menu, that’s because it practically is.

---

The Eighth Amendment and the Twelfth Helping

“The Founders clearly didn’t intend for men of this girth to face the needle,” says Professor Calvin McFry, a constitutional law expert and competitive chili judge. “They wrote the Bill of Rights after a light supper of squirrel meat and boiled turnips. They couldn’t imagine a scenario where someone could gain 350 pounds without a crown and a divine right.”

In court filings, Tanzi’s lawyers cite not only his morbid obesity, but also severe chronic sciatica, hyperlipidemia, uncontrolled hypertension, and acid reflux—a list that reads more like the side effects from a Denny’s Grand Slam than a legal brief.

---

Expert Opinion: “You Can’t Kill What’s Already Dying”

Dr. Lester P. Gristle, a prison physician and amateur corn dog sculptor, told reporters, “Look, I’m not saying the man’s health is perfect. I’m saying the Grim Reaper’s been double-parked outside his cell for a decade and a half. He’s not ‘Too Big to Die.’ He’s ‘Already Dying, Just Slowly.’”

Florida’s Attorney General responded to the appeal with a simple, resounding “no,” calling the concerns “meritless,” while silently resisting the urge to add, “And possibly butter-laced.”

---

American Justice: Now With More Bacon

The implications are staggering. If Tanzi succeeds, America may enter an era where felony trials come with diet plans. “This case sets a dangerous precedent,” said Florida Corrections Spokesman Randy Slabbeaux, while unwrapping a breakfast chimichanga. “Pretty soon, we’ll have inmates intentionally trying to gain 300 pounds to avoid execution. We’re gonna have to install stairmasters in solitary.”

According to a 2025 Gallup Poll, 58% of Americans believe death row inmates should be allowed to gain as much weight as possible in order to delay execution, while 42% believe they should at least share the fries.

---

Death Row, Rebranded as Food Court

Warden testimonials reveal a disturbing trend: Tanzi has allegedly weaponized the prison menu. A former cellmate claims, “He once ate a Salisbury steak so big it had its own parole hearing.”

Inmates are reportedly forming a “Chubstitution Strategy,” a hunger strike in reverse: they eat nonstop in hopes of building up the kind of complex medical conditions that turn executions into legal tangles.

Even the correctional kitchen staff is beginning to revolt. “We signed up to make slop, not foie gras,” grumbled Head Cook Marla “Spatula” Jenkins. “Now they want gluten-free, hypertension-friendly pudding cups? What are we, Whole Foods Death Row?”

---

Helpful Satirical Content for Bohiney Readers

• How to Delay Your Trial Execution: Step one—replace your lawyer with a cardiologist. Step two—embrace a diet that would make Paula Deen blush.

• DIY Legal Excuses: Morbid obesity? Check. Chronic gout? Sure. Fear of needles? Golden.

• Florida Law School Flashcards: Eighth Amendment, butter clause, ketchup-as-a-rights-issue, and “Stand Your Fry” laws.

• Criminal Justice Workout Plan: 30 minutes of regret, 15 reps of appeals, and 1 cheat day per appeal denial.

---

What the Funny People Are Saying

“It’s not that he’s too big to die. It’s that he’s too wide for the gurney.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“When death row becomes a Weight Watchers commercial, America needs to check its pulse.” — Chris Rock

“I’m not saying he’s fat, but when they tried to inject him, the needle filed a grievance.” — Amy Schumer

---

Public Reactions: Sympathy or Second Servings?

Tina Wilkins, a woman from Pensacola, commented on Facebook, *“If he can’t be executed, maybe he can compete on My 600-lb Life: Death Row Edition.”

Others were more sympathetic, like Doug Bimmer, a Palm Beach vegan and amateur paddleboarder: “This is about compassion. The man is suffering. Also, the sodium content in prison food is outrageous.”

Meanwhile, a Change.org petition titled “Let Him Eat Cake, But Not Die” is gathering signatures at a suspiciously fast pace, possibly because it’s being promoted by DoorDash.

---

Final Thoughts: Justice, Widened

Legal analysts agree this case is less about constitutional law and more about America’s tangled love affair with justice, food, and spectacle. If Tanzi’s appeal works, we may be headed toward a dystopia where Twinkies are considered bulletproof vests, and weight gain is both strategy and shield.

But as Florida’s governor reportedly muttered while chewing a Slim Jim behind the Capitol, “If this fella eats himself out of the death penalty, we’re gonna need to rewrite the whole justice system… and the menu.”

---

Funny Disclaimer

This story is the product of a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No artificial intelligence was fed or harmed in the making of this article, though several donuts were sacrificed in the research process.

---

15 Humorous Observations: “Too Big to Die”

1. Cruel and Unusual Exercise The real cruelty isn’t lethal injection, it’s making a 400-pound man walk down the hall to the execution room. The Eighth Amendment clearly prohibits cardio.

2. Capital Punishment or Capital Buffet? When your last meal turns into a three-day event catered by Golden Corral, it might complicate more than just the execution. Medical experts and chefs alike agree: “You can’t kill him—he’s still eating!”

3. The Constitution and Calorie Counting Founding fathers couldn’t foresee supersized fries or supersized convicts. Historians now believe Thomas Jefferson would’ve included the right to gastric bypass surgery in the Bill of Rights.

4. Obesity: The Ultimate Death Row Hack “Forget Shawshank—now all you need to do to escape execution is gain 300 pounds,” commented inmate life coach Slim Jim, who runs a motivational TikTok from solitary confinement.

5. Lethal Injection vs. Lethal Indigestion Injecting potassium chloride or barbecue sauce directly into veins might produce similar results. One prison doctor noted, “Both options cause severe reflux.”

6. Hyperlipidemia as a Defense Lawyers everywhere take note: high cholesterol is now a mitigating circumstance. “My client isn’t guilty—his LDL cholesterol made him do it!”

7. Sciatica: The New Stay of Execution Death penalty opponents are lobbying to replace electric chairs with ergonomic massage chairs. “It’s humane and relaxing,” claimed one activist, adjusting his lumbar pillow.

8. The Slippery Slope of Fast Food Justice First obesity delays executions, next diabetics get off on good behavior. “It’s an outrage,” said Judge Ronald McDonald. “Our courts can’t handle that much irony—or irony deficiency.”

9. Public Opinion: Sympathy or Appetite? A recent poll revealed 58% of Americans believe inmates too big to execute should serve their sentence at an all-you-can-eat prison buffet. The other 42% asked if they could join them.

10. Gastroesophageal Reflux and Justice In a landmark medical-legal analysis, Dr. Bernie Tums wrote, “If we execute this man, acid reflux medications could lose billions. Think of the antacids!”

11. False Dilemma: Diet or Die It Florida prosecutors insist, “If you’re healthy enough to commit a murder, you’re healthy enough to take an injection.” Nutritionists counter, “Kale smoothies, not capital punishment.”

12. Bandwagon Fallacy in Prison Meals Everyone’s jumping on the obesity-defense bandwagon. Prison cafeteria workers are now suspected of conspiring to save inmates by offering endless mac ‘n cheese.

13. Death by Obesity vs. Death by Injection Statistically speaking, Tanzi might die sooner from a cheeseburger overdose than state-administered lethal injection. “We’re racing the clock against KFC,” said the warden grimly.

14. Expert Witness or Expert Witnessing? Dr. Ronald H. Burgers, MD (Master Dietician), testified, “Frankly, I’m surprised Mr. Tanzi survived prison food long enough to face execution.”

15. Prison Reform: From Electric Chairs to StairMasters Human rights groups propose a revolutionary prison reform: forced cardio. “It might be cruel, but it’s definitely usual.”

---

---

Disclaimer

This entirely human-produced article is the collaborative effort of two fully sentient beings—a cowboy who thinks salad is just a cheeseburger topping, and a farmer who firmly believes obesity is nature’s way of saying, “Maybe tomorrow.”

The post Too Big to Die appeared first on Bohiney News.