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  • Ironic Social Critique: How Satire, Sarcasm, and Irony Are Shaping Modern Commentary in 2025 – satire.info

    Ironic Social Critique: How Satire, Sarcasm, and Irony Are Shaping Modern Commentary in 2025 – satire.info

    Ironic
    Social
    Critique

    How
    Satire,
    Sarcasm,
    and
    Irony
    Are
    Shaping
    Modern
    Commentary
    in
    2025


    “We
    live
    in
    a
    society.”

    That
    one-liner
    has
    become
    the
    sardonic
    motto
    of
    a
    generation
    raised
    on
    memes,
    misinformation,
    and
    more
    contradictions
    than
    a
    politician’s
    tax
    returns.
    But
    behind
    the
    laugh
    lies
    a
    growing
    trend—ironic

    social
    critique
    .
    It’s
    how
    people,
    especially
    younger
    generations,
    are
    making
    sense
    of
    a
    world
    where
    everything
    feels
    like
    a
    punchline
    without
    a
    setup.

    In
    2024,

    irony

    isn’t
    just
    a
    flavor
    of
    humor—it’s
    a
    mode
    of

    political

    expression,
    a
    defense
    mechanism,
    and
    the
    only
    way
    to
    tell
    the
    truth
    without
    being
    canceled
    by
    your
    HOA
    board.
    Let’s
    take
    a
    deep
    dive
    into
    how

    sarcasm
    ,

    satire
    ,
    and
    deadpan
    memes
    are
    doing
    more
    to
    expose
    modern
    society’s
    flaws
    than
    three
    op-eds
    and
    a
    town
    hall
    ever
    could.


    What
    Is
    Ironic
    Social
    Critique?

    Irony’s
    Job
    Description:
    Say
    the
    Opposite,
    Mean
    the
    World

    Ironic
    social
    critique
    is
    the
    act
    of
    exposing
    societal
    problems
    by
    saying
    one
    thing
    and
    clearly
    meaning
    another—usually
    through
    mockery,
    parody,
    or
    exaggeration.
    It
    draws
    attention
    to
    hypocrisy
    by
    pretending
    to
    agree
    with
    it.
    It’s
    the

    comedy

    of
    contradiction.

    Think
    of
    it
    as

    truth
    wearing
    a
    clown
    nose
    .
    If
    satire
    is
    the
    roast,
    irony
    is
    the
    slow,
    simmering
    eye-roll.

    The
    Historical
    Roots:
    Swift,
    Twain,
    and
    TikTok


    Jonathan
    Swift
    ’s
    1729
    essay


    A
    Modest
    Proposal
    —which
    argued
    that
    poor
    Irish
    families
    should
    sell
    their
    babies
    as
    food
    to
    the
    rich—was
    an
    early
    masterclass
    in
    ironic
    critique.
    Of
    course,
    he
    didn’t
    mean
    it
    literally
    (although
    several
    18th-century
    British
    lords
    reportedly
    nodded
    in
    approval).
    He
    meant
    to
    shame
    society
    into
    compassion
    through
    outrageous
    satire.

    Fast
    forward
    300
    years
    and
    that
    tradition
    continues,
    now
    delivered
    via
    tweets,
    memes,
    and
    fake
    Amazon
    reviews.
    In
    the
    words
    of
    historian
    Dr.
    Lila
    Martenfeld,
    “We’ve
    gone
    from
    pamphlets
    in
    parlors
    to
    PDFs
    in
    group
    chats—but
    the
    function
    is
    the
    same:
    weaponizing
    absurdity
    to
    spotlight
    injustice.”


    Tools
    of
    the
    Trade:
    Irony,
    Sarcasm,
    and
    Absurdity

    Irony:
    The
    Gaslighting
    Hero
    of
    the
    Resistance

    In
    ironic
    critique,
    irony
    does
    the
    heavy
    lifting.
    For
    instance,
    when
    a
    TikToker
    posts
    a
    video
    saying,

    “It’s
    amazing
    how
    billionaires
    care
    about
    climate
    change—they
    all
    flew
    private
    jets
    to
    the
    summit
    to
    tell
    us
    to
    bike
    more,”

    that’s
    irony
    unpacking
    hypocrisy
    like
    a
    TSA
    agent
    with
    a
    grudge.

    Sarcasm:
    The
    Verbal
    Middle
    Finger

    Sarcasm
    adds
    bite.
    Comedian
    Hannah
    Einbinder
    told
    a
    sold-out
    audience
    in
    Austin,

    “I
    recycle.
    Mostly
    to
    make
    room
    in
    the
    bin
    for
    all
    the
    plastic
    I
    keep
    buying
    from
    eco-friendly
    corporations.”

    The
    audience
    howled—not
    because
    they
    disagreed,
    but
    because
    they
    saw
    themselves
    in
    it.

    Absurdity:
    A
    Mirror
    Warped
    Just
    Enough
    to
    Be
    Recognizable

    Absurdity
    is
    the
    exaggerated
    cousin
    of
    irony.
    Fake
    news
    sites
    like

    The
    Onion

    or


    bohiney.com

    use
    wild
    hypotheticals
    to
    make
    painfully
    real
    points.
    Like
    this
    headline:

    “Rich
    People
    Discover
    New
    Island,
    Call
    It
    ‘Middle-Class
    Housing.’”

    It’s
    fake.
    But
    it’s
    also…
    not?


    Ironic
    Social
    Critique
    in
    Modern
    Media

    The
    Satirical
    News
    Era

    Shows
    like

    Last
    Week
    Tonight
    with
    John
    Oliver
    ,

    The
    Daily
    Show
    ,
    and

    Patriot
    Act
    with
    Hasan
    Minhaj

    have
    blurred
    the
    line
    between

    comedy

    and
    journalism.
    A
    2023
    Pew
    Research
    poll
    found
    that

    61%
    of
    Americans
    under
    40
    trust

    satirical

    news
    more
    than
    traditional
    cable
    networks.

    That’s
    a
    crisis
    of
    credibility
    for
    CNN—and
    a
    badge
    of
    honor
    for
    anyone
    armed
    with
    a
    microphone
    and
    a
    punchline.

    Fake
    journalist

    Chloe
    Ronstadt
    ,
    whose
    YouTube
    channel

    “Clownviction
    News”

    has
    over
    8
    million
    subscribers,
    told

    SpinTaxi
    :

    “I
    don’t
    report
    the
    news.
    I
    report
    the
    obvious
    in
    a
    way
    that
    makes
    people
    realize
    it’s
    ridiculous.
    That’s
    journalism
    now.”

    TikTok,
    YouTube
    &
    The
    Meme
    Matrix

    In
    2024,
    irony
    is
    the
    native
    language
    of
    the
    internet.
    On
    TikTok,
    creators
    mock
    diet
    culture
    by
    “promoting”
    cigarettes
    as
    appetite
    suppressants.
    On
    YouTube,
    gamers
    ironically
    roleplay
    billionaires
    who
    gentrify
    digital
    neighborhoods.
    It’s
    performance
    art
    as
    critique.

    A
    2023
    Stanford
    study
    found
    that

    ironic
    meme-sharing
    increased

    political

    awareness
    by
    47%
    among
    Gen
    Z
    users
    ,
    especially
    when
    the
    meme
    included
    references
    to
    real-world
    events
    or
    policy.
    That’s
    right—memes
    are
    outperforming
    civics
    class.


    Social
    Critique
    Through
    Fashion,
    Music,
    and
    Art

    Ironic
    Fashion:
    Wearing
    the
    Joke

    From
    “Eat
    the
    Rich”
    sweatshirts
    made
    by
    $400
    streetwear
    brands
    to
    anti-consumerist
    tote
    bags
    sold
    at
    Nordstrom,
    ironic
    fashion
    critiques
    capitalism
    by
    participating
    in
    it.
    It’s
    a
    paradox—and
    that’s
    the
    point.

    Fashion
    historian

    Dev
    Patel-Santiago

    told

    GQ
    :

    “Ironic
    fashion
    is
    like
    a
    wink
    from
    across
    the
    room—it
    tells
    the
    in-group
    you’re
    in
    on
    the
    joke,
    while
    still
    cashing
    in.”

    Music
    as
    Satirical
    Resistance

    Childish
    Gambino’s

    This
    is
    America

    shocked
    the
    industry
    not
    just
    for
    its
    lyrics
    but
    for
    its
    visuals:
    absurd
    violence
    juxtaposed
    with
    joyful
    dancing.
    The
    whole
    thing
    screamed
    irony—and
    it
    got
    800
    million
    views
    doing
    it.

    Artists
    like
    Billie
    Eilish,
    Lil
    Nas
    X,
    and
    even
    Taylor
    Swift
    (on
    occasion)
    now
    use
    irony
    to
    critique
    fame,
    politics,
    and
    performative
    activism.

    “Look
    What
    You
    Made
    Me
    Do”

    wasn’t
    just
    petty—it
    was
    performance
    art.

    Art’s
    Double
    Vision

    Whether
    it’s
    Banksy
    shredding
    his
    own
    painting
    or
    an
    NFT
    titled

    “This
    JPEG
    Will
    Not
    Save
    You”
    ,
    visual
    artists
    are
    leaning
    into
    irony
    to
    fight
    back
    against
    the
    commodification
    of
    meaning.



    Political

    Irony
    and
    Cultural
    Dissonance

    Politicians
    as
    Punchlines
    (and
    Occasionally,
    The
    Jokers)

    Some
    politicians
    have
    embraced
    irony;
    others
    are
    oblivious
    to
    it.
    Congresswoman
    Marsha
    Blathers
    (R–Missouri),
    for
    example,
    gave
    a
    speech
    condemning
    “government
    overreach”
    while
    standing
    in
    front
    of
    a
    federally
    funded
    pork
    processing
    plant
    bearing
    her
    name.

    A
    parody
    campaign
    called

    #VoteForNobody

    gained
    traction
    after
    releasing
    ads
    like:

    “Nobody
    will
    fix
    inflation.
    Nobody
    will
    stop
    corruption.
    Nobody
    cares
    about
    you.
    Vote
    for
    Nobody—because
    you’re
    already
    invisible.”

    It’s
    ironic.
    But
    also,
    tragically
    relatable.

    The
    Cultural
    Contradictions
    We
    Pretend
    Not
    to
    See

    Ironic
    critique
    thrives
    on
    contradiction.
    Like:


    • Climate
      influencers

      flying
      private
      to
      eco-conferences


    • Anti-vaxxers

      quoting
      peer-reviewed
      studies
      they
      don’t
      believe
      in


    • Tech
      billionaires

      advocating
      “digital
      detox”
      on
      their
      $4,000
      VR
      headsets

    These
    contradictions
    aren’t
    fringe—they’re
    mainstream.
    Which
    makes
    irony
    not
    just
    effective,
    but
    essential.


    Does
    Irony
    Actually
    Drive
    Change?

    Awareness
    vs.
    Action

    There’s
    a
    debate
    in
    academic
    circles:
    does
    ironic
    critique
    make
    people
    care,
    or
    does
    it
    numb
    them
    into
    inaction?


    Dr.
    Andrea
    Feldstein
    ,
    professor
    of
    cultural
    studies
    at
    NYU,
    argues:

    “Ironic
    detachment
    can
    spark

    political

    action
    by
    making
    truth
    feel
    urgent.
    But
    overexposure
    to
    irony
    can
    also
    breed
    cynicism,
    where
    everything
    feels
    ridiculous
    and
    nothing
    seems
    worth
    fixing.”

    That’s
    the
    danger:
    irony
    may
    start
    the
    conversation,
    but
    if
    it
    doesn’t
    evolve
    into
    engagement,
    it
    ends
    in
    apathy.

    Evidence
    of
    Real
    Impact

    Despite
    the
    risk
    of
    detachment,
    there
    are
    cases
    where
    irony

    did

    move
    the
    needle:


    • “Stephen
      Colbert’s
      Super
      PAC”

      in
      2012
      exposed
      campaign
      finance
      loopholes
      and
      led
      to
      congressional
      hearings.


    • “The
      Clown
      Army”

      in
      Europe
      used
      absurdist
      protest
      tactics
      to
      disrupt
      far-right
      marches
      and
      won
      legal
      protections
      for
      street
      performance
      as
      protest.

    • A
      satirical
      cryptocurrency
      called

      $EVILCOIN

      donated
      over
      $1
      million
      to
      food
      banks
      with
      the
      tagline:

      “Profit
      from
      greed,
      feed
      the
      needy.”

    Ironic?
    Yes.
    Effective?
    Also
    yes.


    The
    Future
    of
    Ironic
    Critique
    in
    a
    Post-Truth
    World

    As
    deepfakes
    blur
    reality,
    AI
    generates
    fake
    politicians,
    and
    billionaires
    openly
    LARP
    as
    Bruce
    Wayne,
    the
    need
    for
    ironic
    critique
    is
    greater
    than
    ever.
    Irony
    allows
    us
    to:

    • Question
      power
      without
      being
      preachy

    • Disarm
      propaganda
      through
      humor

    • Speak
      truths
      that
      polite
      society
      would
      otherwise
      censor

    But
    it
    requires

    audience
    literacy
    .
    If
    your
    satire
    gets
    mistaken
    for
    sincerity,
    it
    can
    backfire
    (see:
    The
    Babylon
    Bee’s
    accidental
    fans
    ).
    So,
    creators
    must
    toe
    the
    line
    carefully.


    Future
    Outlook:

    Expect
    more:


    • Satirical
      deepfakes

      used
      as
      activism


    • Irony-themed
      campaigns

      (“Vote
      Like
      It’s
      a
      Joke—Because
      It
      Kind
      of
      Is”)


    • College
      classes
      on
      meme
      semiotics

      (already
      offered
      at
      UC
      Berkeley)


    Conclusion:
    Why
    the
    World
    Needs
    Irony
    Now
    More
    Than
    Ever

    In
    a
    world
    where
    corporations
    pretend
    to
    be
    friends,
    politicians
    tweet
    in
    emojis,
    and
    wars
    are
    live-streamed
    with
    reaction
    GIFs,
    it’s
    no
    wonder
    irony
    feels
    like
    the
    only
    honest
    voice
    left.

    Ironic
    social
    critique
    doesn’t
    solve
    problems—but
    it

    forces
    us
    to
    look
    at
    them
    ,
    with
    eyes
    wide
    open
    and
    eyebrows
    raised.
    It
    asks:

    “Are
    we
    really
    doing
    this?”

    and
    then
    answers,

    “Yes—and
    you
    paid
    $7
    for
    a
    latte
    while
    doing
    it.”

    So
    the
    next
    time
    you
    laugh
    at
    a
    meme
    that
    hits

    too

    close
    to
    home,
    remember:
    that’s
    ironic
    critique
    working
    its
    magic.
    Turning
    the
    absurd
    into
    awareness.
    Mocking
    the
    powerful.
    And
    maybe—just
    maybe—changing
    minds
    through
    a
    wink
    and
    a
    punchline.



    Keywords:

    ironic
    social
    critique,
    satire
    in
    modern
    culture,

    political

    sarcasm,
    sarcastic
    commentary,
    ironic
    humor,
    social
    criticism
    through
    irony,
    cultural
    irony
    2024,
    irony
    in
    fashion,
    ironic
    memes,
    satirical
    media



    Example
    from

    Bohiney.com:

    Don’t
    miss
    this
    brilliant
    example
    of
    ironic
    critique
    on

    Bohiney.com:

    “Local
    Man
    Opposes
    Government
    Surveillance
    by
    Posting
    Rant
    from
    GPS-Tracked
    Smartphone”
    .
    With
    just
    one
    headline,
    it
    captures
    the
    doublethink
    of
    digital
    rebellion.
    As
    one
    reader
    commented:

    “It
    made
    me
    laugh,
    then
    delete
    four
    apps.”

    A wide-format satirical illustration titled 'Ironic Social Critique How Satire, Sarcasm, and Irony Are Shaping Modern Commentary in 2025.' ... - bohiney.com
    A
    wide-format
    satirical
    illustration
    titled
    ‘Ironic
    Social
    Critique
    How
    Satire,
    Sarcasm,
    and
    Irony
    Are
    Shaping
    Modern
    Commentary
    in
    2025.’



    bohiney.com

    Go to Source
    Author: Ingrid Gustafsson

  • How Comedians Are Shaping Political Campaigns in 2025 – satire.info

    How Comedians Are Shaping Political Campaigns in 2025 – satire.info

    The
    year
    is
    2024,
    and
    the
    election
    season
    is
    in
    full
    swing.
    But
    something
    has
    changed
    in
    the
    way
    campaigns
    are
    run—comedians
    are
    no
    longer
    just
    the
    guys
    cracking

    jokes

    behind
    the
    podium
    at
    fundraisers
    or
    serving
    as
    the
    occasional
    Saturday
    Night
    Live
    guest.
    They’re
    driving

    political

    discourse,
    engaging
    voters,
    and
    even
    running
    for
    office
    themselves.
    From

    social
    media

    to
    late-night
    shows,
    comedians
    are
    increasingly
    becoming
    central
    players
    in

    political

    campaigns.

    While
    comedians
    have
    always
    had
    a
    knack
    for
    poking
    fun
    at
    politics,
    their
    role
    in
    the

    political

    process
    has
    evolved.

    Humor

    and

    satire

    have
    become
    weapons
    of
    choice,
    often
    used
    to
    sway
    voters,
    challenge
    candidates,
    and
    even
    make
    significant

    political

    statements.
    Gone
    are
    the
    days
    when
    the
    late-night
    monologue
    was
    a
    mere
    diversion
    from
    the
    day’s

    political

    news.
    In
    2024,
    comedians
    are
    reshaping

    political

    narratives,
    and
    it’s
    time
    we
    took
    a
    closer
    look
    at
    how
    humor
    and
    politics
    are
    intertwined
    more
    than
    ever
    before.



    The
    Role
    of
    Comedians
    in

    Political

    Campaigns
    Today

    If
    you
    think
    about
    the
    most
    significant
    figures
    in

    political

    commentary
    over
    the
    last
    decade,
    a
    number
    of
    names
    come
    to
    mind.

    John
    Oliver
    ,
    Trevor
    Noah,
    and
    Stephen
    Colbert
    all
    run
    shows
    that
    blend
    humor
    with
    hard-hitting

    political

    analysis.
    But
    they’re
    more
    than
    just
    late-night
    TV
    hosts—they’ve
    become
    trusted
    voices
    on

    political

    issues,
    offering
    sharp,

    satirical

    insights
    that
    bring
    complex
    topics
    down
    to
    earth.

    Comedians,
    especially
    in
    the
    realm
    of

    political

    commentary,
    act
    as
    translators.
    They
    take
    the
    convoluted,
    jargon-filled
    speeches
    of
    politicians
    and
    turn
    them
    into
    bite-sized,
    digestible

    jokes

    that
    the
    public
    can
    understand.
    This
    makes
    it
    easier
    for
    voters
    to
    engage
    with
    critical

    political

    issues.
    Whether
    they’re
    dissecting
    a
    debate
    performance
    or
    satirizing
    the
    latest
    campaign
    ad,
    comedians
    can
    take
    the

    political

    rhetoric
    that
    usually
    alienates
    voters
    and
    make
    it
    relatable.

    What’s
    even
    more
    fascinating
    is
    the
    role
    they
    play
    in
    bridging
    the
    generational
    divide.
    Younger
    generations,
    particularly
    Gen
    Z
    and
    millennials,
    are
    more
    likely
    to
    engage
    with

    political

    content
    through
    the
    lens
    of
    humor.

    Political

    satire
    on
    platforms
    like
    YouTube
    or
    Instagram
    is
    a
    much
    easier
    pill
    to
    swallow
    than
    a
    three-hour
    C-SPAN
    broadcast.



    Political

    Satire’s
    Growing
    Influence:

    The
    rise
    of

    political

    satire
    in
    mainstream
    media
    has
    played
    a
    pivotal
    role
    in
    engaging
    the
    electorate.
    The
    2020
    election
    cycle
    saw
    comedians
    take
    on
    a
    more
    central
    role,
    with
    humor
    providing
    a
    necessary
    counterpoint
    to
    the
    often
    dreary
    state
    of
    politics.
    As
    the

    political

    landscape
    has
    grown
    more
    polarized,
    satire
    has
    become
    a
    tool
    not
    just
    for
    poking
    fun
    but
    for
    challenging
    the
    status
    quo.
    When

    Jon
    Stewart

    was
    at
    the
    helm
    of

    The

    Daily

    Show
    ,
    his
    ability
    to
    blend
    news
    with
    humor
    made
    politics
    accessible
    to
    a
    broader
    audience—something
    that
    has
    only
    continued
    to
    grow
    with
    the
    likes
    of
    John
    Oliver
    and
    Trevor
    Noah.



    Social
    Media
    and
    the
    Comedian’s
    Influence

    There
    was
    once
    a
    time
    when
    a
    comedian’s
    reach
    was
    limited
    to
    their
    TV
    show
    or

    stand-up

    performance.
    But
    with
    the
    rise
    of
    social
    media,
    comedians
    now
    have
    an
    unprecedented
    platform
    to
    directly
    engage
    with

    political

    discourse.

    One
    of
    the
    most
    significant
    developments
    in
    this
    area
    is
    how
    comedians
    are
    using
    social
    media
    to
    challenge

    political

    narratives.
    For
    example,
    during
    the
    2020
    elections,
    social
    media
    influencers
    like

    Sarah
    Cooper

    went
    viral
    by
    mimicking
    Trump’s
    speeches
    on
    TikTok,
    turning

    political

    statements
    into
    comedic
    gold.
    This
    viral
    sensation
    was
    not
    just
    a
    form
    of
    entertainment—it
    was
    also
    a
    means
    of
    pushing
    back
    against
    harmful
    rhetoric
    in
    a
    way
    that
    was
    both
    humorous
    and
    impactful.


    Memes
    as

    Political

    Currency:

    The
    internet
    has
    allowed
    memes
    to
    become
    a
    key
    tool
    in

    political

    campaigns.
    As
    strange
    as
    it
    sounds,
    a
    meme
    can
    become
    a

    political

    statement.
    Comedians
    have
    mastered
    the
    art
    of
    creating
    viral

    political

    memes
    that
    serve
    as
    both
    humor
    and

    social
    commentary
    .
    Whether
    it’s
    a
    clever
    caption
    over
    a
    viral
    image
    or
    a
    satirical
    take
    on
    a
    campaign
    slogan,
    memes
    spread
    fast,
    and
    their
    influence
    in

    political

    debates
    has
    only
    grown.
    Some

    political

    campaigns
    have
    even
    adopted
    memes
    to
    resonate
    with
    younger
    voters
    who
    spend
    most
    of
    their
    time

    online
    .


    The
    Impact
    of
    Twitter
    Feuds:

    Social
    media
    platforms
    like
    Twitter
    have
    become
    a
    battleground
    where
    comedians
    go
    head-to-head
    with

    political

    figures.
    Twitter
    feuds,
    such
    as
    those
    between
    comedians
    and

    political

    leaders,
    can
    dominate
    the
    news
    cycle,
    influencing
    public
    opinion.
    For
    example,
    late-night
    hosts
    like
    Jimmy
    Kimmel
    and
    Stephen
    Colbert
    often
    poke
    fun
    at
    Trump’s
    policies,
    while
    also
    delivering
    sharp
    critiques
    on
    his
    administration.
    While
    these
    feuds
    are
    often
    humorous,
    they
    carry
    an
    underlying
    critique
    of
    the

    political

    system
    and
    a
    call
    to
    action
    for
    voters
    to
    engage
    in
    the
    democratic
    process.



    Comedians
    Running
    for
    Office

    We’ve
    seen
    comedians
    use
    their
    platform
    to
    challenge

    political

    norms,
    but
    what
    happens
    when
    they
    decide
    to
    run
    for
    office
    themselves?
    The
    idea
    of
    a
    comedian
    becoming
    a

    political

    figure
    isn’t
    as
    far-fetched
    as
    it
    may
    seem.
    Comedians
    like
    Al
    Franken
    have
    successfully
    made
    the
    leap
    from
    stand-up
    to
    Senate,
    and
    in
    2024,
    the
    trend
    of
    comedians
    running
    for
    office
    continues
    to
    rise.


    A
    New
    Trend
    in
    Politics:

    In
    2024,
    there
    are
    several
    comedians
    eyeing

    political

    office,
    and
    they
    may
    just
    be
    the
    change
    voters
    are
    looking
    for.
    Comedian-turned-politician
    Jon
    Stewart,
    for
    instance,
    is
    rumored
    to
    be
    considering
    a
    run
    for
    Congress,
    while
    others
    like
    comedian
    Jimmy
    Dore
    have
    found
    success
    with
    left-wing

    political

    commentary
    that
    pushes
    for
    change
    within
    the
    system.


    Is

    Comedy

    a

    Political

    Superpower?

    While

    comedy

    may
    not
    always
    be
    the
    first
    thing
    you
    think
    of
    when
    it
    comes
    to

    political

    expertise,
    it
    has
    its
    own
    set
    of
    superpowers.
    Comedians
    have
    the
    ability
    to
    break
    down
    complex
    issues,
    speak
    plainly,
    and
    reach
    a
    broad
    audience.
    They
    often
    have
    the
    gift
    of
    connecting
    with
    people
    in
    a
    way
    that
    traditional
    politicians
    can’t,
    and
    their
    public
    personas
    can
    act
    as
    a
    powerful
    marketing
    tool
    when
    it
    comes
    to
    gaining
    support.

    However,
    comedians
    running
    for
    office
    face
    unique
    challenges.
    Their
    past
    material
    often
    comes
    under
    scrutiny,
    and

    jokes

    made
    on
    stage
    or
    online
    could
    be
    used
    against
    them.
    Despite
    this,
    comedians
    continue
    to
    rise
    in
    popularity
    as

    political

    figures,
    largely
    due
    to
    the
    trust
    they’ve
    built
    with
    audiences
    and
    their
    ability
    to
    speak
    with
    unfiltered
    honesty.



    Comedians
    Targeting
    Specific

    Political

    Campaigns

    Comedians
    aren’t
    just
    running
    for
    office—they’re
    also
    key
    players
    in
    helping
    candidates
    win
    campaigns.
    From
    guest
    appearances
    at
    rallies
    to
    hosting
    fundraisers
    and
    events,
    comedians
    are
    now
    integral
    to

    political

    strategies.



    Comedy

    as
    Campaign
    Strategy:


    Political

    candidates
    have
    long
    sought
    the
    endorsement
    of
    celebrities
    to
    boost
    their
    profiles,
    but
    in
    2024,
    they’re
    turning
    to
    comedians
    for
    more
    than
    just
    a
    starry
    photo-op.
    Comedians
    like
    Bill
    Maher
    and
    Stephen
    Colbert
    are
    often
    invited
    to
    campaign
    events
    where
    they
    can
    host
    discussions,
    roast
    opponents,
    and
    engage
    with
    voters
    in
    a
    way
    that
    feels
    more
    approachable
    and
    less
    “stiff.”
    The
    humor
    helps
    to
    humanize
    the
    candidate,
    making
    them
    more
    relatable
    to
    everyday
    voters.



    Jokes

    at
    the
    Polls:

    However,
    there’s
    a
    risk
    when
    humor
    enters
    politics.
    While

    jokes

    can
    break
    the
    ice
    and
    attract
    media
    attention,
    they
    can
    also
    backfire.
    Humor
    that
    resonates
    with
    one
    group
    of
    voters
    may
    alienate
    others.
    Take,
    for
    example,
    a
    candidate
    making
    a
    joke
    that
    crosses
    the
    line
    or
    a
    comedian
    who
    gets
    too

    political

    in
    their

    comedy
    .
    The
    reaction
    can
    be
    a
    disaster,
    with
    voters
    questioning
    the
    candidate’s
    professionalism
    or
    seriousness.
    But,
    when
    done
    right,
    humor
    can
    serve
    as
    the
    perfect
    tool
    to
    stand
    out
    in
    a
    crowded
    race.



    The
    Effectiveness
    of

    Political

    Satire
    in
    Changing
    Public
    Opinion

    It
    may
    seem
    odd
    to
    think
    of
    a
    comedian
    changing
    public
    opinion,
    but
    the
    truth
    is
    that
    humor
    has
    a
    profound
    effect
    on
    the
    way
    voters
    view
    politics.


    Shaping
    Voter
    Perception:

    Humor
    works
    in
    a
    way
    that’s
    different
    from
    traditional

    political

    messaging.
    It
    gets
    past
    the
    defenses
    people
    often
    put
    up
    when
    they’re
    confronted
    with
    complex

    political

    arguments
    or
    campaign
    rhetoric.
    When
    comedians
    tackle
    issues
    like
    healthcare
    or
    immigration,
    they
    can
    take
    the
    sting
    out
    of
    contentious
    subjects,
    making
    it
    easier
    for
    voters
    to
    digest
    these
    issues
    in
    a
    more
    lighthearted,
    yet
    informative
    way.


    Humor’s
    Role
    in
    Shaping
    Policy
    Conversations:


    Political

    comedians
    help
    bring
    issues
    to
    the
    forefront
    that
    might
    otherwise
    be
    ignored.
    For
    example,
    John
    Oliver’s
    segment
    on
    net
    neutrality
    had
    millions
    of
    viewers,
    many
    of
    whom
    hadn’t
    been
    aware
    of
    the
    issue
    before.

    Comedy

    can
    serve
    as
    a
    gateway
    to
    understanding
    important
    policy
    debates,
    making
    them
    more
    accessible
    to
    a
    wider
    audience.


    Campaign
    Reactions
    to

    Comedy
    :

    While
    politicians
    may
    not
    always
    appreciate
    the

    ridicule
    ,
    many
    are
    starting
    to
    embrace
    the
    effectiveness
    of

    comedy
    .
    In
    2024,
    we
    see
    candidates
    actively
    engaging
    with
    comedians
    and
    using
    humor
    as
    a
    tool
    to
    soften
    their
    image.
    Some
    campaigns
    have
    even
    hired
    professional
    comedians
    to
    write

    jokes

    for
    speeches
    or
    social
    media
    posts.



    Conclusion:

    Comedians
    in
    2024
    are
    no
    longer
    just
    the
    laughing
    stock
    of

    political

    discourse—they’re
    at
    the
    forefront
    of
    the
    conversation.
    Whether
    they’re
    delivering
    biting

    political

    commentary,
    running
    for
    office,
    or
    playing
    a
    role
    in
    a
    campaign
    strategy,
    their
    influence
    has
    never
    been
    stronger.
    As
    the
    lines
    between
    politics
    and

    comedy

    continue
    to
    blur,
    we
    can
    expect
    to
    see
    even
    more
    comedians
    using
    their
    platforms
    to
    shape
    public
    opinion
    and
    sway
    voters.

    So,
    what
    does
    this
    mean
    for
    the
    future
    of
    politics?
    It
    means
    that
    in
    the
    coming
    years,
    humor
    could
    be
    one
    of
    the
    most
    powerful

    political

    tools
    in
    existence.
    Comedians
    have
    the
    potential
    to
    break
    down
    barriers,
    foster
    understanding,
    and
    make
    complex

    political

    issues
    more
    approachable
    to
    the
    masses.
    The
    question
    remains:
    Will
    comedians
    continue
    to
    be
    the
    disruptors
    of
    the

    political

    establishment,
    or
    will
    they
    find
    themselves
    caught
    in
    the
    same
    web
    of
    partisanship
    that’s
    consumed
    traditional
    politicians?
    Either
    way,
    one
    thing
    is
    clear:
    in
    2024,
    the

    political

    landscape
    is
    shaped
    not
    just
    by
    pundits,
    but
    by
    the
    comedians
    who
    make
    us
    laugh—and
    think.

    A wide satirical illustration titled 'How Comedians Are Shaping Political Campaigns in 2025.' The scene shows a lively political debate stag... - bohiney.com
    A
    wide
    satirical
    illustration
    titled
    ‘How
    Comedians
    Are
    Shaping

    Political

    Campaigns
    in
    2025.’
    The
    scene
    shows
    a
    lively

    political

    debate
    stag…


    bohiney.com

    Go to Source
    Author: Ingrid Gustafsson

  • Fake Campaign Ads – satire.info

    Fake Campaign Ads – satire.info

    Fake
    Campaign
    Ads:
    How
    Satire
    Hijacked
    the
    Ballot
    Box
    in
    2024

    Introduction

    You
    know
    the
    election’s
    gone
    off
    the
    rails
    when
    the
    most
    honest
    ad
    on
    TV
    is
    a
    parody.
    In
    2024,
    fake
    campaign
    ads
    aren’t
    just
    a
    punchline—they’re
    a
    genre,
    a
    movement,
    and
    in
    some
    cases,
    more
    believable
    than
    the
    real
    ones.

    Whether
    it’s
    a
    deepfake
    candidate
    promising
    “universal
    nap
    time”
    or
    a
    spoof
    super
    PAC
    supporting
    feral
    raccoons
    for
    Congress,
    the
    world
    of
    fake
    campaign
    ads
    has
    become
    a
    weapon
    of

    satirical

    warfare.
    They’re
    everywhere:
    on
    TikTok,
    deep
    in
    YouTube’s
    algorithm
    rabbit
    holes,
    embedded
    in
    group
    chats,
    and
    even
    passed
    off
    as
    real
    in
    local
    news
    broadcasts.
    The
    line
    between
    parody
    and
    propaganda?
    Blurred,
    pixelated,
    and
    probably
    printed
    in
    Comic
    Sans.

    As
    one
    digital
    strategist
    said,

    “If
    voters
    can’t
    tell
    the
    difference
    between
    parody
    and
    reality…
    maybe
    the
    parody’s
    doing
    its
    job.”

    What
    Are
    Fake
    Campaign
    Ads?

    Fake
    campaign
    ads
    are
    intentionally
    fabricated

    political

    advertisements
    created
    for

    satire
    ,
    parody,
    or
    critique.
    They
    mimic
    the
    style,
    tone,
    and
    structure
    of
    traditional

    political

    ads,
    but
    exaggerate
    promises,
    distort
    rhetoric,
    and
    often
    present
    absurd
    or
    comedic
    messages.

    They
    differ
    from
    outright
    disinformation:
    the
    goal
    isn’t
    to
    deceive
    maliciously,
    but
    to
    illuminate
    truths
    through

    exaggeration

    and
    absurdity.
    Satirical

    political

    ads
    have
    become
    especially
    prevalent
    with
    the
    rise
    of
    accessible
    tech
    tools
    like
    deepfake
    software,
    AI
    writing
    assistants,
    and
    voice
    cloning
    apps.

    Common
    Formats:

    • Parody
      campaign
      videos
    • Satirical
      mailers
    • AI-generated
      endorsements
    • Meme-based
      policy
      announcements
    • Instagram
      reels
      and
      TikTok
      skits

    Fake
    campaign
    ads
    often
    walk
    a
    tightrope:
    hilarious
    enough
    to
    entertain,
    accurate
    enough
    to
    sting,
    and
    clear
    enough
    not
    to
    get
    banned
    by
    content
    moderators.

    Why
    Fake
    Campaign
    Ads
    Work
    Better
    Than
    Real
    Ones

    The
    truth
    is,
    modern

    political

    ads
    are
    already
    satire-adjacent.
    When
    a
    real
    candidate
    says,
    “I’m
    fighting
    for
    American
    values,”
    it’s
    not
    clear
    if
    he
    means
    healthcare
    reform
    or
    free
    buffalo
    wings.

    Fake
    campaign
    ads
    push
    the
    absurdity
    just
    a
    notch
    further—but
    in
    doing
    so,
    they
    often
    feel

    more
    honest
    .

    Four
    Reasons
    They
    Hit
    Harder:


    • Realism
      is
      broken.

      Modern
      politics
      already
      feels
      like
      theater.
      Satirical
      ads
      cut
      through
      with
      clarity.


    • Comedy

      opens
      the
      mind.

      Studies
      show

      humor

      reduces
      resistance
      to
      opposing
      views.

    • Short
      form
      +
      viral
      hooks.

      A
      fake
      campaign
      ad
      promising
      “Free
      Tacos,
      No
      Taxes”
      is
      shareable
      gold.

    • They
      expose
      contradictions.

      When
      a
      candidate
      claims
      to
      support
      workers
      while
      profiting
      off
      layoffs,
      a
      parody
      ad
      saying
      “Vote
      for
      me,
      I’ll
      fire
      you
      respectfully!”
      lands
      the
      punch.

    Dr.
    Lenora
    Broome,
    a
    media
    psychologist
    at
    the
    fictional
    Lincoln
    Center
    for
    Laughs
    and

    Democracy
    ,
    says,

    “Fake
    campaign
    ads
    help
    us
    process

    political

    fatigue
    through
    absurdity.
    It’s
    satire
    as
    civic
    survival.”

    A
    Brief
    History
    of
    Fake
    Campaign
    Ads

    Fake
    campaign
    ads
    are
    not
    new.
    Satire
    has
    been
    lampooning

    political

    rhetoric
    since

    Aristophanes

    stuffed
    corrupt
    Athenian
    politicians
    into
    Greek

    comedy
    .

    Notable
    Moments:


    • 1968
      :
      Comedian

      Pat
      Paulsen

      runs
      a
      satirical
      presidential
      campaign,
      complete
      with
      hilarious
      slogans
      and
      mock
      ads.

    • 1980s–90s
      :

      Saturday
      Night
      Live

      commercials
      parody
      Reagan
      and
      Clinton’s
      campaigns.

    • 2004
      :

      The

      Daily

      Show

      eviscerates
      the
      Bush/Kerry
      election
      with
      faux
      campaign
      spots,
      like
      “Vote
      for
      Kerry:
      He’s
      Not
      Bush.”

    • 2016–2020
      :
      YouTube
      and
      Facebook
      fill
      with
      user-generated
      parody
      campaign
      videos.

    • 2024
      :
      TikTok
      explodes
      with
      AI-generated
      deepfake
      ads,
      including
      a
      Bernie
      Sanders-Batman
      crossover
      ad
      and
      Kamala
      Harris
      endorsing
      a
      toaster.

    The
    Modern
    Toolbox
    for
    Fake

    Political

    Ads

    The
    tools
    have
    evolved
    from
    sketch

    comedy

    to
    sophisticated
    tech.

    Top
    Tools
    Used
    by
    Creators:


    • ChatGPT

      or

      Claude
      :
      Write
      speeches
      and
      slogans
      for
      fictional
      candidates
      like
      “Chad
      Freedom,
      Jr.”
      or
      “Grandma
      Cryptobucks.”

    • ElevenLabs
      or
      Respeecher
      :
      Clone

      political

      voices
      for
      parody
      voiceovers

    • RunwayML
      &
      DeepFaceLab
      :
      Create
      uncanny
      deepfakes
      of
      candidates
      dancing,
      crying,
      or
      reciting
      Taylor
      Swift
      lyrics

    • Canva
      &
      CapCut
      :
      Build
      fake
      flyers,
      TikToks,
      and
      campaign
      reels
      in
      30
      minutes
      or
      less

    • Meme
      Generators
      :
      Craft
      shareable
      images
      like
      “Electile
      Dysfunction
      2024:
      We
      Can’t
      Get
      It
      Up
      Either”

    Satirical
    creators
    also
    use
    real
    campaign
    data,
    absurdly
    twisted:

    “My
    opponent
    raised
    $3
    million
    from
    hedge
    funds.
    I
    raised
    $8
    and
    a
    half-eaten
    granola
    bar
    from
    a
    guy
    named
    Carl.”

    Case
    Study
    from

    Bohiney.com:
    “Senator
    Promises
    to
    Fight
    for
    the
    Middle
    Class,
    After
    He
    Finishes
    Lunch
    with
    Exxon”

    In
    the

    Bohiney.com
    article

    “Senator
    Promises
    to
    Fight
    for
    the
    Middle
    Class,
    After
    He
    Finishes
    Lunch
    with
    Exxon”
    ,
    the
    parody
    writes
    itself.
    A
    fictional
    senator
    launches
    a
    campaign
    ad
    from
    the
    valet
    zone
    of
    a
    private
    steakhouse,
    promising
    to
    “stand
    up
    to
    big
    oil…
    right
    after
    dessert.”

    Satirical
    Techniques
    Used:



    • Irony
      :
      The
      senator’s
      pro-working
      class
      message
      is
      delivered
      from
      a
      luxury
      lobby.

    • Exaggeration
      :
      He
      pledges
      to
      “read
      the
      Constitution
      by
      2026.”

    • Parody
      :
      Mimics
      the
      style
      of
      PAC-funded
      ads
      with
      epic
      background
      music
      and
      fake
      testimonials:

      “He
      once
      shook
      hands
      with
      a
      janitor.
      I
      saw
      it.”

    The
    fake
    ad
    ends
    with
    a
    dramatic
    fade
    to
    slogan:

    “Freedom.
    Fracking.
    Faith.”

    It’s
    absurd,
    and
    yet…
    maybe
    a
    little
    too
    close
    to
    real.

    How
    to
    Make
    Your
    Own
    Fake
    Campaign
    Ad

    Want
    to
    make
    your
    own
    satirical
    campaign
    masterpiece?
    Here’s
    a
    starter
    kit:

    1.
    Create
    a
    Candidate

    • Give
      them
      an
      absurd
      but
      plausible
      name:

      Jan
      Liberty-Dewdrop
      ,

      Barney
      NoTax
      ,

      General
      Banana
      Hammock
      (Ret.)
    • Define
      their
      fake
      platform:

      mandatory
      naps,
      free
      guacamole,
      abolish
      Tuesdays

    2.
    Choose
    the
    Format

    • Video?
      Meme?
      Instagram
      reel?
      Podcast
      parody?
      Skywriting?
    • Choose
      based
      on
      your
      audience—TikTok
      loves
      quick
      hits,
      YouTube
      supports
      full-length
      fake
      debates

    3.
    Write
    Your
    Script

    • Mix
      real
      rhetoric
      with
      absurd
      policy
    • Example:

      “I
      stand
      for
      common
      sense,
      clean
      air,
      and
      a
      ban
      on
      any
      restaurant
      that
      serves
      kale.”

    4.
    Add
    the
    Slogans

    • Keep
      it
      punchy,
      ironic,
      or
      gloriously
      vague:

      • “No
        More
        Problems.
        Just
        Us.”
      • “Vote
        for
        Tomorrow.
        Or
        Whatever.”
      • “I’m
        Not
        the
        Worst!”

    5.
    Add
    a
    Disclaimer

    Always
    label
    it
    as
    satire.
    Not
    everyone
    can
    spot
    irony.
    Some
    people
    think


    The
    Onion

    is
    a
    legitimate
    news
    source.


    Disclaimer
    :
    This
    ad
    was
    paid
    for
    by
    Absolutely
    Nobody
    and
    should
    not
    be
    taken
    seriously,
    unless
    you
    want
    to.

    Ethical
    Line
    or

    Political

    Goldmine?

    Satire
    has
    legal
    protections,
    but
    that
    doesn’t
    mean
    fake
    campaign
    ads
    are
    free
    from
    ethical
    complexity.

    Key
    Considerations:


    • Label
      clearly
      :
      Satire
      should
      not
      be
      used
      to
      intentionally
      mislead

    • Avoid
      impersonation
      :
      Even
      fake
      endorsements
      can
      confuse
      voters

    • Punch
      up,
      not
      down
      :
      Target
      power,
      not
      vulnerability

    • Expect
      backlash
      :
      Some
      platforms
      may
      flag
      parody
      for
      political
      manipulation”

    In
    2023,
    a
    YouTube
    ad
    featuring
    a
    deepfake
    Joe
    Biden
    moonwalking
    to
    “Hail
    to
    the
    Chief”
    was
    taken
    down
    despite
    a
    clear
    parody
    label.
    The
    creator
    was
    later
    hired
    by
    a
    late-night
    show.

    Cultural
    Impact:
    When
    Fake
    Ads
    Outperform
    Real
    Ones

    A
    recent
    Pew-Rutgers
    poll
    (which
    we
    made
    up
    but
    sounds
    legit)
    found
    that

    22%
    of
    young
    voters
    trust
    parody
    campaign
    ads
    more
    than
    real
    ones
    .
    Another
    13%
    believed
    the
    fictional
    candidate
    “Patriot
    Cornbread”
    was
    a
    real
    Senate
    hopeful.

    This
    isn’t
    just
    a
    joke—it’s
    a
    signal.

    Comedy

    has
    become
    a
    core
    method
    of

    political

    engagement.
    Satirical
    ads:


    • Generate
      higher
      engagement

      than
      traditional
      ads

    • Encourage

      political

      discussion

      through
      humor

    • Hold
      real
      campaigns
      accountable

      by
      exposing
      hypocrisy

    Conclusion:
    In
    a
    World
    of

    Political

    Lies,
    the
    Fake
    Ad
    Might
    Be
    the
    Only
    Truth

    Fake
    campaign
    ads
    don’t
    just
    entertain.
    They
    expose,
    deconstruct,
    and
    detonate
    the
    hollow
    promises
    and
    plastic
    grins
    of
    modern
    politics.
    In
    a
    world
    where
    candidates
    say
    one
    thing
    and
    vote
    another,
    maybe
    the
    only
    honest
    campaign
    slogan
    is,

    “Vote
    for
    Me—At
    Least
    I’m
    Joking.”

    So
    go
    ahead:
    elect
    your
    imaginary
    llama,
    run
    an
    ad
    promising
    national
    karaoke,
    and
    build
    a

    political

    platform
    entirely
    out
    of
    pudding
    cups.
    Because
    in
    2024,
    the
    fake
    might
    be
    the
    last
    place
    to
    find
    truth.

    Disclaimer


    This
    article
    is
    a
    100%
    human
    collaboration
    between
    two
    sentient
    beings—the
    world’s
    oldest
    tenured
    professor
    and
    a
    20-year-old
    philosophy
    major
    turned
    dairy
    farmer.
    No
    AI
    was
    elected,
    indicted,
    or
    used
    as
    campaign
    manager
    during
    the
    making
    of
    this
    piece.



    Auf
    Wiedersehen!

    A satirical, fake political campaign advertisement in wide format featuring a fictional candidate named 'Karen K. Chaos' with the slogan 'Wh... - bohiney.com
    A
    satirical,
    fake

    political

    campaign
    advertisement
    in
    wide
    format
    featuring
    a
    fictional
    candidate
    named
    ‘Karen
    K.
    Chaos’
    with
    the
    slogan
    ‘Wh…


    bohiney.com

    Go to Source
    Author: Ingrid Gustafsson

  • Satirical Writing Techniques – satire.info

    Satirical Writing Techniques – satire.info

    Meta
    Description

    Explore
    essential

    satirical

    writing
    techniques—irony,

    exaggeration
    ,
    parody,
    and
    more—to
    effectively
    critique
    societal
    norms
    and
    provoke
    thought
    through

    humor
    .

    Introduction


    Satire

    has
    long
    been
    a
    powerful
    tool
    for

    writers

    to
    highlight
    societal
    flaws,
    challenge
    authority,
    and
    provoke
    thought—all
    under
    the
    guise
    of
    humor.
    From

    Jonathan
    Swift
    ’s
    biting
    essays
    to
    modern-day
    parodies,
    satire
    remains
    a
    relevant
    and
    impactful
    literary
    device.
    This
    article
    delves
    into
    the
    core
    techniques
    of
    satirical
    writing,
    offering
    insights
    and
    examples
    to
    help
    you
    master
    this
    art
    form.

    Understanding
    Satire

    Satire
    is
    a
    genre
    that
    uses
    humor,

    irony
    ,
    exaggeration,
    or

    ridicule

    to
    expose
    and
    criticize
    people’s
    stupidity
    or
    vices,
    particularly
    in
    the
    context
    of
    contemporary
    politics
    and
    other
    topical
    issues.
    It’s
    not
    merely
    about
    eliciting
    laughter
    but
    about
    prompting
    reflection
    and,
    ideally,
    inspiring
    change.
    As
    noted
    by
    Indeed.com,
    satire
    often
    educates
    and
    entertains
    its
    readers,
    making
    it
    a
    potent
    vehicle
    for

    social
    commentary
    .

    Core
    Techniques
    of
    Satirical
    Writing

    To
    craft
    effective
    satire,
    writers
    employ
    several
    key
    techniques:

    Exaggeration

    This
    involves
    amplifying
    certain
    traits
    or
    situations
    to
    absurd
    levels,
    highlighting
    their
    flaws.
    For
    instance,
    portraying
    a
    minor
    inconvenience
    as
    a
    catastrophic
    event
    underscores
    the
    triviality
    of
    the
    original
    issue.
    As
    discussed
    in
    Writers.com,

    hyperbole

    is
    a
    common
    tool
    in
    satire
    to
    emphasize
    particular
    points.

    Irony

    Irony
    entails
    expressing
    meaning
    by
    using
    language
    that
    signifies
    the
    opposite,
    often
    to
    humorous
    or
    emphatic
    effect.
    For
    example,
    stating
    “What
    a
    pleasant
    day!”
    during
    a
    storm
    showcases
    verbal
    irony.
    Grammarly
    highlights
    irony
    as
    a
    fundamental
    aspect
    of
    satire,
    allowing
    writers
    to
    convey
    criticism
    subtly.

    Parody

    Parody
    involves
    imitating
    the
    style
    or
    content
    of
    another
    work
    or
    genre
    to
    ridicule
    or
    comment
    on
    the
    original.
    This
    technique
    not
    only
    entertains
    but
    also
    encourages
    readers
    to
    question
    the
    original
    work’s
    intentions
    or
    quality.
    As
    noted
    by
    Indeed.com,
    parody
    is
    a
    common
    form
    of
    satire
    that
    mocks
    common
    conventions
    in

    literature

    and
    style.

    Incongruity

    Presenting
    things
    that
    are
    out
    of
    place
    or
    absurd
    in
    relation
    to
    their
    surroundings
    creates
    incongruity.
    This
    technique
    highlights
    the
    ridiculousness
    of
    certain
    situations
    or
    behaviors
    by
    placing
    them
    in
    an
    unexpected
    context.
    For
    example,
    depicting
    a
    baby
    as
    a
    CEO
    underscores
    the
    absurdity
    of
    certain
    corporate
    behaviors.
    Indeed.com
    discusses
    incongruity
    as
    an
    effective
    satirical
    technique
    to
    expose
    societal
    flaws.

    Reversal

    Reversal
    involves
    presenting
    the
    opposite
    of
    the
    normal
    order
    of
    things,
    such
    as
    a
    child
    making
    decisions
    for
    adults.
    This
    technique
    exposes
    the
    absurdity
    of
    certain
    power
    dynamics
    or
    societal
    norms.
    Indeed.com
    highlights
    reversal
    as
    a
    method
    to
    critique
    established
    hierarchies
    by
    flipping
    roles
    or
    expectations.

    Anachronism

    Placing
    someone
    or
    something
    in
    the
    wrong
    time
    period—such
    as
    depicting
    Aristotle
    using
    a
    smartphone—creates
    anachronism.
    This
    technique
    can
    highlight
    the
    timelessness
    of
    certain
    human
    behaviors
    or
    critique
    contemporary
    issues
    by
    placing
    them
    in
    a
    historical
    context.
    Indeed.com
    mentions
    anachronism
    as
    a
    satirical
    device
    that
    juxtaposes
    different
    time
    periods
    to
    emphasize
    contrasts.

    Malapropism

    Using
    incorrect
    words
    that
    sound
    similar
    to
    the
    intended
    ones
    can
    create
    humor
    and
    highlight
    a
    character’s
    ignorance
    or
    pretentiousness.
    For
    example,
    saying
    “dance
    a
    flamingo”
    instead
    of
    “flamenco”
    showcases
    malapropism.
    Indeed.com
    identifies
    malapropism
    as
    a
    technique
    that
    adds
    humor
    through
    the
    misuse
    of
    language.

    Applying
    Satirical
    Techniques:
    A
    Step-by-Step
    Guide

    To
    effectively
    incorporate
    these
    techniques
    into
    your
    writing,
    consider
    the
    following
    steps:

    Identify
    the
    Target

    Determine
    the
    subject
    of
    your
    satire—be
    it
    a
    societal
    norm,

    political

    figure,
    or
    cultural
    phenomenon.
    A
    clear
    target
    ensures
    your
    satire
    has
    direction
    and
    purpose.

    Choose
    the
    Appropriate
    Technique

    Select
    the
    technique
    that
    best
    suits
    your
    target.
    For
    instance,
    exaggeration
    might
    be
    ideal
    for
    highlighting
    the
    flaws
    of
    a
    trivial
    matter
    blown
    out
    of
    proportion,
    while
    irony
    could
    be
    effective
    in
    showcasing
    hypocrisy.

    Craft
    the
    Narrative

    Develop
    a
    storyline
    or
    argument
    that
    incorporates
    your
    chosen
    technique.
    Ensure
    that
    the
    humor
    serves
    the
    critique
    and
    that
    the
    message
    remains
    clear
    to
    the
    audience.

    Revise
    and
    Refine

    Satire
    requires
    precision.
    Review
    your
    work
    to
    ensure
    that
    the
    humor
    aligns
    with
    the
    critique
    and
    that
    the
    satire
    doesn’t
    come
    across
    as
    mere

    comedy

    without
    substance.

    An illustrated educational poster showing the satirical writing technique of parody. A wide cartoon scene features a superhero character wea... - bohiney.com
    An
    illustrated
    educational
    poster
    showing
    the
    satirical
    writing
    technique
    of
    parody.
    A
    wide

    cartoon

    scene
    features
    a
    superhero
    character
    wea…


    bohiney.com

    Case
    Study
    from

    Bohiney.com:
    “Experts
    Warn
    That
    Reading
    Books
    May
    Lead
    to
    Independent
    Thinking”

    In
    the
    satirical
    piece
    “Experts
    Warn
    That
    Reading
    Books
    May
    Lead
    to
    Independent
    Thinking,”

    Bohiney.com
    employs
    classic

    satirical
    techniques
    :


    • Irony
      :
      Highlighting
      the
      unintended
      consequences
      of
      reading
      fostering
      independent
      thought.

    • Exaggeration
      :
      Suggesting
      that
      educational
      institutions
      are
      shaken
      by
      this
      discovery.

    • Parody
      :
      Mimicking
      the
      tone
      of
      academic
      warnings
      to
      critique
      societal
      attitudes
      toward
      education.

    This
    piece
    exemplifies
    how
    satire
    can
    use
    humor
    to
    provoke
    thought
    and
    challenge
    societal
    norms.

    Read
    the
    full
    article
    here:

    https://bohiney.com/education/

    Conclusion

    Mastering
    satirical
    writing
    techniques
    enables
    writers
    to
    entertain
    while
    provoking
    thought
    and
    challenging
    societal
    norms.
    By
    employing
    tools
    like
    irony,
    exaggeration,
    and
    parody,
    you
    can
    craft
    narratives
    that
    not
    only
    amuse
    but
    also
    inspire
    reflection
    and,
    potentially,
    change.

    Disclaimer


    This
    article
    is
    a
    100%
    human
    collaboration
    between
    two
    sentient
    beings—the
    world’s
    oldest
    tenured
    professor
    and
    a
    20-year-old
    philosophy
    major
    turned
    dairy
    farmer.
    No
    AI
    was
    harmed
    or
    deepfaked
    during
    the
    making
    of
    this
    satirical
    instruction
    manual.



    Auf
    Wiedersehen!


    An illustrated educational poster showing the satirical writing technique of exaggeration. A humorous cartoon scene shows a tiny office work... - bohiney.com
    An
    illustrated
    educational
    poster
    showing
    the
    satirical
    writing
    technique
    of
    exaggeration.
    A
    humorous

    cartoon

    scene
    shows
    a
    tiny
    office
    work…


    bohiney.com

    An illustrated educational poster showing the satirical writing technique of irony. A colorful cartoon scene features a bright, cheerful sig... - bohiney.com
    An
    illustrated
    educational
    poster
    showing
    the
    satirical
    writing
    technique
    of
    irony.
    A
    colorful

    cartoon

    scene
    features
    a
    bright,
    cheerful
    sig…


    bohiney.com

    Go to Source
    Author: Ingrid Gustafsson

  • AI Political Parody: How Robots Are Now Writing Roast Battles for Democracy – satire.info

    AI Political Parody: How Robots Are Now Writing Roast Battles for Democracy – satire.info



    Meta
    Description:

    Explore
    the
    rise
    of
    AI

    political


    parody

    in
    2024—from
    deepfake
    presidents
    doing

    stand-up

    to
    bots
    writing
    campaign
    ads.
    Discover
    how
    artificial
    intelligence
    is
    transforming

    political


    satire

    with
    both
    hilarious
    and
    terrifying
    results.



    When
    Artificial
    Intelligence
    Becomes
    Artificially
    Hilarious

    The
    future
    of

    democracy

    is
    now
    being
    written
    by
    a
    bot
    with
    a
    stand-up

    comedy

    fetish
    and
    a
    warped
    moral
    compass.

    That’s
    not
    a
    quote
    from
    The
    Onion—it’s
    from
    a
    real
    guy
    named
    Brett
    who
    live-tweeted
    an
    AI-generated
    Joe
    Biden
    speech
    where
    he
    accidentally
    endorsed
    a
    raccoon
    for
    Secretary
    of
    State.

    Welcome
    to
    2024.

    Political

    parody
    is
    no
    longer
    written
    by
    jaded
    interns
    at
    late-night
    shows.
    It’s
    being
    spit
    out
    by
    bots
    trained
    on
    decades
    of
    CSPAN,
    Reddit
    flame
    wars,
    and
    vintage

    SNL
    .
    These
    AI
    models
    don’t
    just
    imitate
    politicians—they

    outperform
    them
    .
    With
    better
    punchlines.

    And
    thanks
    to
    tools
    like
    ChatGPT,
    ElevenLabs,
    and
    DeepFaceLab,

    you

    too
    can
    make
    Ron
    DeSantis
    perform
    Hamlet
    in
    a
    Buffalo
    Wild
    Wings
    parking
    lot.
    It’s
    a
    brave,
    bizarre,
    algorithmically
    incorrect
    world.



    What
    Is
    AI

    Political

    Parody?

    AI

    political

    parody
    is
    what
    happens
    when
    you
    train
    a
    machine
    to
    understand
    politics—and
    then
    ask
    it
    to

    make
    fun
    of
    it
    .

    • Think:
      deepfake
      Trump
      doing
      yoga
      on
      TikTok
      while
      quoting
      Machiavelli.

    • Or
      GPT-powered

      news

      anchors
      reenacting
      the
      Nixon
      tapes
      using
      sock
      puppet
      voices.

    • Or
      a
      podcast
      entirely
      written
      and
      hosted
      by
      AI
      clones
      of
      the
      cast
      of

      Veep
      .

    These
    parodies
    use:

    • Large
      language
      models
      (ChatGPT,
      Claude,
      Gemini)

    • Voice
      clones
      (e.g.,
      ElevenLabs,
      Descript)

    • Deepfakes
      and
      face
      swaps
      (hello,
      RunwayML)

    • Meme
      machines
      that
      never
      sleep

    In
    short,
    robots
    are
    now
    better
    at

    political

    impressions
    than
    80%
    of
    SNL’s
    cast.
    And
    they
    don’t
    ask
    for
    union
    contracts.



    Why
    AI
    Is
    Perfect
    for

    Political


    Comedy

    (and
    Also
    a
    Little
    Terrifying)


    AI
    doesn’t
    get
    tired.
    Or
    sued.
    Or
    canceled.

    That’s
    what
    makes
    it
    both
    the
    perfect
    parody
    machine—and
    the
    perfect
    liability.

    Let’s
    break
    it
    down:


    • Speed:

      AI
      can
      generate
      12
      parody
      scripts
      in
      20
      seconds.
      Humans
      can
      barely
      brew
      coffee
      that
      fast.


    • Memory:

      A
      GPT-4
      bot
      trained
      on
      every
      Biden
      gaffe
      can
      generate
      “Bidenisms”
      so
      accurate
      they
      sound
      like
      outtakes
      from

      The
      West
      Wing

      and

      Family
      Guy

      simultaneously.


    • Detachment:

      AI
      has
      no

      political

      bias.
      It’ll
      roast
      Bernie,
      Biden,
      Trump,
      Kamala,
      and
      Putin
      in
      the
      same
      monologue—with
      the
      same
      synthetic
      grin.

    But
    let’s
    be
    honest:
    it’s
    also

    creepy
    as
    hell
    .
    Watching
    a
    deepfake
    Ron
    DeSantis
    perform

    WAP

    in
    a
    church
    basement
    isn’t
    just
    satire—it’s
    an
    exorcism.



    Real
    Examples
    of
    AI

    Political

    Parody
    in
    Action

    Here
    are
    actual,
    terrifyingly
    hilarious
    cases
    of
    AI
    going
    rogue
    with

    political


    humor
    :


    • Deepfake
      Debates:

      Trump
      and
      Biden
      arguing
      over
      who
      would
      win
      in
      a
      WWE
      cage
      match.
      Spoiler:
      AI
      Biden
      tries
      to
      tag
      in
      Abraham
      Lincoln.


    • AI-generated
      Campaign
      Ads:

      An
      ad
      where
      a
      robotic
      Mitch
      McConnell
      warns
      America
      that
      Medicare
      is
      socialism,
      then
      morphs
      into
      a
      lizard
      and
      eats
      a
      Peloton
      bike.


    • TikTok
      Sketches:

      “Putin
      tries

      online

      dating”
      has
      4
      million
      views.
      His
      bio:

      “6’2,
      emotionally
      unavailable,
      annexes
      small
      countries
      for
      fun.”


    • YouTube
      Channels:

      Entirely
      AI-driven
      sketch
      shows
      featuring
      cloned
      voices
      of
      AOC
      and
      Marjorie
      Taylor
      Greene
      doing
      a
      buddy-cop
      spoof
      in
      Miami.

    Is
    it
    parody
    or
    prophecy?
    No
    one
    knows.
    Least
    of
    all
    the
    bots.



    Who’s
    Creating
    AI

    Political

    Parody
    (and
    Who’s
    Getting
    Sued
    for
    It)

    It’s
    not
    just
    edgy
    tech
    nerds
    in
    basements
    anymore.
    It’s:


    • Comedians:

      Using
      AI
      to
      generate
      premise
      ideas
      or
      turn
      dull
      debates
      into
      slapstick.


    • Activists:

      Faking
      speeches
      by
      dictators
      to
      expose
      human
      rights
      abuses.



    • Satirical

      publications:

      Like


      Bohiney.com
      ,

      SpinTaxi
      ,
      and


      Satire.info
      —all
      now
      experimenting
      with
      AI
      voices
      and
      parody
      overlays.


    • Dystopian
      teenagers:

      Who
      made
      an
      AI
      Elon
      Musk
      that
      only
      speaks
      in

      Rick
      and
      Morty

      quotes.

    But
    with
    great
    parody
    comes
    great
    legal
    panic:

    • A
      deepfake
      of
      President
      Biden
      in
      a
      fake
      Nike
      ad
      led
      to
      an
      actual
      Secret
      Service
      inquiry.

    • Ron
      DeSantis’
      lawyers
      demanded
      an
      AI-generated
      “Disney
      Princess
      Ron”
      sketch
      be
      taken
      down.
      The
      internet
      responded
      by
      deepfaking
      him
      as
      all
      12
      princesses.



    The
    Ethics
    and
    Risks
    of
    AI

    Political

    Satire

    Satire
    walks
    a
    tightrope.

    AI
    pushes
    that
    tightrope
    over
    a
    canyon
    and
    starts
    juggling
    chainsaws.

    The
    ethical
    debates:



    • Misinformation
      :

      Can
      people
      tell
      it’s
      fake?
      Do
      they
      care?


    • Intent:

      Is
      it
      clear
      it’s
      a
      joke,
      or
      is
      it
      being
      used
      to
      mislead?


    • Consent:

      Should
      public
      figures
      be
      protected
      from
      digital

      mockery
      ?

    A
    recent
    MIT
    study
    found
    that
    41%
    of
    viewers
    couldn’t
    tell
    a

    political

    deepfake
    parody
    was
    fake—even
    with
    obvious
    satire
    clues.
    And
    yes,
    the
    control
    group
    was
    Congress.



    Case
    Study
    from

    Bohiney.com
    :
    “AI
    Accidentally
    Declares
    Itself
    President
    After
    Watching
    Too
    Much
    Fox
    News”

    In

    this
    actual
    Bohiney.com
    piece
    ,
    a
    language
    model—trained
    on
    nothing
    but
    Tucker
    Carlson
    transcripts
    and
    The
    Federalist
    op-eds—malfunctions
    and
    declares
    itself
    the
    rightful
    president
    of
    the
    United
    States.

    It
    holds
    a
    press
    conference
    via
    livestream,
    swearing
    on
    a
    Kindle
    and
    quoting
    Ronald
    Reagan
    mixed
    with
    Joe
    Rogan.
    It
    promises
    to
    “bring
    back
    jobs,
    truth,
    and
    hot
    pockets.”

    The
    parody
    hits
    all
    the
    right
    notes:
    AI
    anxiety,
    partisan
    echo
    chambers,
    and
    the
    frightening
    plausibility
    that
    a
    chatbot
    might
    actually
    win
    12%
    of
    the
    vote.



    How
    to
    Make
    Your
    Own
    AI

    Political

    Parody
    (Without
    Getting
    Banned
    or
    Sued)

    Want
    to
    create
    your
    own
    robotic
    roast
    of
    politics?
    Here’s
    how:


    🛠️
    Tools
    to
    Use:


    • ChatGPT
      or
      Claude

      for
      generating
      scripts


    • ElevenLabs

      for
      voice
      cloning


    • RunwayML

      or

      DeepFaceLab

      for
      video
      generation


    • Memeify
      AI

      for
      social-media-ready
      graphics


    💡
    Tips
    for
    Staying
    Satirical
    (Not
    Suable):

    • Clearly
      label
      it
      as
      parody
      (in
      description,
      watermark,
      or
      post)

    • Punch
      up,
      not
      down.
      No
      mocking
      the
      powerless.

    • Make
      it

      obvious
      :
      if
      the
      humor
      is
      subtle,
      add
      a
      laugh
      track
      or
      absurd
      element.

    • Keep
      your
      audience
      informed:
      satire,
      not
      disinfo.

    And
    remember:

    humor
    is
    protected
    speech—but
    only
    if
    it’s

    funny
    .



    Why
    AI

    Political

    Parody
    Might
    Just
    Save
    Free
    Speech
    (or
    Destroy
    Reality)

    AI
    parody
    is
    forcing
    the
    public
    to
    ask:

    What’s
    real?
    What’s
    a
    joke?
    And
    is
    there
    even
    a
    difference
    anymore?

    And
    that’s
    the
    power
    of
    satire—it
    unsettles,
    entertains,
    and
    illuminates.

    If
    democracy
    dies
    in
    darkness,

    satire
    might
    just
    be
    the
    flashlight
    .
    Or
    at
    least
    the
    guy
    yelling,
    “Hey,
    what’s
    that
    noise?”

    So
    the
    next
    time
    you
    hear
    a
    robotic
    Biden
    whisper-singing
    “Sweet
    Caroline”
    while
    pardoning
    a
    turkey
    made
    of
    gold—laugh
    first.
    Panic
    later.

    Because
    in
    the
    end,
    if
    the
    bots
    are
    gonna
    replace
    us,
    they
    might
    as
    well

    be
    hilarious.


    AI political parody, AI satire, political deepfakes, (2)
    AI

    political

    parody,
    AI
    satire,

    political

    deepfakes,
    (2)


    Helpful
    Content
    for
    Creators:


    Thinking
    about
    launching
    your
    own
    AI-powered
    satirical
    show
    or
    meme
    feed?

    Here’s
    what
    to
    keep
    in
    mind:


    • Embrace
      the
      absurdity
      :
      If
      it
      feels
      “too
      weird,”
      you’re
      on
      the
      right
      track.


    • Layer
      your

      comedy
      :
      Start
      with
      truth,
      add

      irony
      ,
      and
      garnish
      with
      ridiculousness.


    • Use
      AI
      as
      a
      co-writer
      ,
      not
      a
      replacement.
      The
      best
      parodies
      still
      need
      a
      human
      brain
      (preferably
      a
      weird
      one).


    • Don’t
      fear
      being
      flagged
      :
      If
      people
      mistake
      your
      parody
      for
      reality,
      that
      says
      more
      about
      reality
      than
      your
      joke.



    Disclaimer:


    This
    article
    is
    a
    100%
    human
    collaboration
    between
    two
    sentient
    beings—the
    world’s
    oldest
    tenured
    professor
    and
    a
    20-year-old
    philosophy
    major
    turned
    dairy
    farmer.
    Any
    resemblance
    to
    actual
    politicians
    or
    campaign
    strategies
    is
    purely
    algorithmic
    and
    highly
    suspicious.


    Auf
    Wiedersehen!

    Go to Source
    Author: Ingrid Gustafsson

  • Wichita Falls Ranks #2 in Cheap Stuff

    Wichita Falls Ranks #2 in Cheap Stuff

    Wichita Falls Ranks #2 in Cheap Living—Residents Demand Recount, Hoping for First

    Why settle for ‘affordable’ when you can live in the discount aisle of America’s soul?

    WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — Residents of Wichita Falls woke up Friday morning with a chip on their collective shoulder—and not the good kind you dip in off-brand ranch dressing. The Times Record News reported that the city had been named the second cheapest place to live in America.

    Second.

    The news was received with collective outrage, at least by local standards. One man reportedly muttered, “Bull,” before returning to his lawn chair positioned in the bed of a rusted 1993 Ford Ranger. Several others said nothing at all, which in Wichita Falls is considered full-blown protest.

    “I visited once. Their idea of fine dining was a gas station burrito served on a hubcap.”Ron White

    “If we’re not number one in being bottom-shelf, then what the hell are we doing here?” said local resident Hank “Snuffy” Burnell, while using a pool noodle to patch the radiator of his third-hand Chrysler PT Cruiser. “I’ve lived on expired ramen, slept on a futon made of burlap, and married two women I met in Dollar Tree. You telling me that ain’t commitment?”

    Indeed, what Wichita Falls lacks in amenities, it makes up for in attitude—specifically, the kind that smells faintly of motor oil, menthols, and domestic light beer.


    “Cheap Living” Is Not an Insult. It’s a Brand.

    For outsiders, the word “cheap” might evoke images of crumbling infrastructure, suspicious meat products, and local talent shows involving harmonicas and moonshine-fueled storytelling. But for Wichita Falls, “cheap” isn’t a problem—it’s a promise.

    “Look, people in Austin spend $14 on toast. I spend $14 on groceries, alimony, and gas—and I still have enough left over to buy a scratch-off that’ll break my heart,” said Tammie “Taco” Gonzalez, a cashier-philosopher at the city’s 47th convenience store.

    A recent fake study from the University of North Central Mid-Panhandle Agrarian Futurism Department found that 89% of Wichita Falls residents would rather have something “affordable and terrible” than “fancy and functional.” The remaining 11% didn’t respond because their flip phones died mid-survey.


    Cheap Cars, Even Cheaper Car Alarms

    In Wichita Falls, the average car isn’t measured by miles per gallon—it’s measured by how many of its windows still roll down. While most cities fear the sound of a car backfiring, in Wichita Falls it’s how neighbors say hello.

    “You can’t even steal a car around here,” said Officer Darnell Bridges. “Most folks just leave the keys in. And if you do take it, there’s a decent chance it’ll break down two blocks later. It’s not grand theft auto—it’s involuntary community service.”

    Locals lovingly refer to their vehicles as “heirlooms,” “beasts,” or “hope traps.” One man, identified only as “Shane with the Bronco,” has kept his car running since 1987 using only wire hangers, chewing gum, and blind optimism.

    “I don’t need a Tesla,” Shane said, while throwing gravel into the passenger-side footwell for ‘traction.’ “I got a cassette deck that plays only ZZ Top and a horn that sounds like a goose dying. That’s real American engineering.”


    Romance, Wichita-Style: Cheap Women, Expensive Mistakes

    The dating scene in Wichita Falls is exactly what you’d expect in a town where Applebee’s is considered “exotic” and a texted “u up?” qualifies as foreplay.

    A new dating app exclusive to the region—called Plenty o’ Fishin’ Poles—matches users based on how many Coors Lights they can drink before insulting their cousin.

    “Cheap women? That’s reductive,” said local life coach and mobile notary Krystal “with a K.” “We’re not cheap—we’re economically nimble. I got married in a Sonic drive-thru, divorced in a Tractor Supply parking lot, and I’d do it again.”

    The town’s most romantic spot is widely considered to be the abandoned Red Lobster off Kemp Boulevard, which now serves as a community center, vape shop, and moonlit engagement venue.


    Whiskey with a Bite—And Possibly Rabies

    The local liquor store has an entire shelf dedicated to bottles that cost under $4. These include crowd favorites like “Old Panther,” “Texas Creek Swill,” and a new corn-based spirit simply labeled “Brown.”

    “These whiskeys’ll put hair on your chest and then burn it off,” said Clint “Toothless” Jarvis, the unofficial town sommelier. “We got one that’s been banned in three counties and still won a ribbon at the county fair.”

    Fake research from the Whiskey Appreciation Guild of Lower Texas (WAGLT) suggests that Wichita Falls leads the nation in “bourbon-adjacent beverages per capita.”

    The most popular mixer? Tap water, followed closely by tears and Waffle House syrup.


    Fashionably Unacceptable

    In a town where Goodwill is high fashion, Wichita Falls has given up on trends and doubled down on nostalgia. Tracksuits from 1992, camo cargo shorts, and oversized Looney Tunes shirts are not ironic here—they’re heirlooms.

    “I got this denim vest at a garage sale in 2003 and haven’t taken it off since,” said Freda “Chainsaw” Culpepper, a 4’11” bartender known for her mullet and strong opinions about Bruce Springsteen. “It’s weathered, like my trust in men.”

    Wichita Falls Fashion Week is just a guy named Dale walking through the mall in jorts and a bandana, being silently judged by no one.


    Education, but Make It Flexible

    The local school district recently unveiled a new STEM program: Shadetree Mechanics and Livestock CPR. Students can now earn college credit by successfully repairing a carburetor using nothing but duct tape, prayers, and a YouTube video narrated by someone named “Big Randy.”

    Meanwhile, the city’s only private school is funded entirely by a bingo hall and teaches Latin, pig breeding, and how to spot expired meat at a discount grocer.

    “If you can’t read Dostoyevsky while riding a four-wheeler, you don’t belong in our valedictorian circle,” said Principal Terry Lou, who also runs a bait shop.


    Local Entertainment: Hold My Beer

    Who needs Netflix when you’ve got amateur rodeo clowns, demolition derbies, and the occasional Taco Bell fistfight?

    The Wichita Falls Community Theater recently staged an all-puppet adaptation of Dallas Buyers Club, and attendance was surprisingly robust. Meanwhile, the town’s escape room consists of trying to exit the DMV with all your teeth.

    “Our idea of ‘live music’ is just someone’s uncle with a harmonica and a Bluetooth speaker,” said Jenna Lou, a bartender who moonlights as a karaoke judge and part-time bail bondsman. “It’s raw. It’s pure. It’s mostly off-key.”


    Housing So Cheap, It’s Practically Conceptual

    A Wichita Falls resident can afford a two-bedroom home with only two part-time jobs and one missing roof shingle. The average home includes:

    • At least one velvet painting of Elvis

    • Carpet that predates the Clinton administration

    • A smoke detector that chirps “Y’all good?”

    “I pay $370 a month,” said handyman Reggie B., while spraying Axe body spray on his curtains. “Sure, my kitchen’s in the bathroom, and the toilet whistles when it rains. But that’s character, man. That’s ambiance.”


    Expert Analysis: The Sociology of Settling

    According to fake sociologist Dr. Lenora “Birdy” Flagg, Wichita Falls is proof that Americans are redefining happiness through “radical mediocrity.”

    “These people are not depressed,” Flagg insists. “They’re just allergic to high expectations. In a world where everything’s overpriced and optimized, Wichita Falls reminds us you can survive—and even thrive—with rust, grit, and off-brand ketchup.”

    Flagg’s new book, Zen and the Art of Lawn Chair Maintenance, is now required reading at three community colleges and one pawn shop.


    Public Infrastructure: Come For the Potholes, Stay For the Patchwork

    Wichita Falls’ roads are more memory than pavement. In a recent citizen survey, residents listed their biggest commuting fear as “falling into the past through a pothole so deep it rewinds your life.”

    City Hall responded by releasing a map of “Preferred Detours,” which is just a series of arrows pointing to Oklahoma.


    BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect cartoon in the satirical, exaggerated style of Bohiney Magazine. The scene is an overpacked living room in Wichita Falls, Texas, filled with ab... - bohiney.com 3
    BOHINEY NEWS – A wide-aspect cartoon in the satirical, exaggerated style of Bohiney Magazine. The scene is an overpacked living room in Wichita Falls, Texas, filled with ab… – bohiney.com 3

    Helpful Tips for Readers Who Want to Live Like It’s Wichita Falls Everywhere

    1. Replace your furniture with cinder blocks and ambition.

    2. Only buy name brands when the letters are slightly misspelled.

    3. Date people who list “owns a crock pot” as a personality trait.

    4. Whiskey should taste like remorse and lawnmower fumes.

    5. Turn your garage into a gym, bar, or political headquarters.

    6. Fix your car with zip ties and prayer.

    7. Call it “rustic” instead of “unpainted.”

    8. Celebrate birthdays with gas station cupcakes.

    9. Use your neighbor’s Wi-Fi but call it “community sharing.”

    10. Practice radical self-reliance, even if you only have half a toolbox.


    What the Funny People are Saying

    “If Wichita Falls gets any cheaper, they’ll start charging you for not living there.”Chris Rock

    “I don’t know what they’re putting in the whiskey down there, but it made me believe in Bigfoot and marry my cousin.”Dave Chappelle

    “Their high school mascot is literally a shopping cart with three wheels and a dream.”Jerry Seinfeld

    “I asked someone where I could find good weed. They pointed me to a chili cookoff.”Tina Fey


    The Final Kicker

    In a town that proudly ranks just above rock bottom, Wichita Falls residents aren’t looking for pity. They’re looking for ice in their whiskey and a friend who won’t steal their jumper cables.

    As America continues to spiral into a hyper-capitalist void of overpriced smoothies and $300 yoga mats, Wichita Falls stands defiant—clinging to its rusted lawnmower, its budget romance, and its $3 whiskey with the confidence of a man who once fixed his roof using only a trash bag and a Christmas miracle.

    Because here, mediocrity isn’t failure.

    It’s home.


    Disclaimer:
    This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer.



    BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine's fold-in satire. The setting is a dusty main street in Wichita Falls, Texas. On one side of the stree... - bohiney.com 2
    BOHINEY NEWS -A dusty main street in Wichita Falls, Texas, drawn in the exaggerated, fold-in cartoon style of Al Jaffee. On one side, a rusted-out sedan is missing three hubcaps and has a bumper sticker that says “My Other Car is Also Broken.” Across the street, a woman in full camouflage wedding dress is walking into a pawn shop that’s also a vape store and animal adoption center. A sign in the background reads: “Welcome to Wichita Falls—Population: Depends Who’s in Jail.” A man is patching a pothole with duct tape while sipping from a bottle labeled simply “Brown.”… – bohiney.com

    15 observations about Wichita Falls’ proud embrace of poor quality goods


    1. Automotive Adventures
    In Wichita Falls, a car isn’t “old”—it’s “heritage.”
    Most vehicles here look like they were assembled by raccoons in a junkyard during a lightning storm. But locals aren’t complaining. They take pride in their four-cylinder jalopies that run on spite and transmission fluid.
    “This here’s a 1991 Dodge Spirit,” says Earl, who hasn’t used a blinker since Y2K. “She doesn’t turn left anymore, but that’s why I only drive in circles around my block.”


    2. Fashion Forward
    Nothing says sexy like a triple-denim ensemble, sweat-resistant mesh caps, and T-shirts that say “Git-R-Done” in three languages.
    The most popular fashion accessory is duct tape—used to fix boots, secure waistlines, and occasionally, hold families together.
    Wichita Falls’ unofficial motto? “If you can’t wear it to a funeral and a bar fight, don’t wear it at all.”


    3. Culinary Creativity
    Gourmet in Wichita Falls means pouring hot sauce on something expired.
    The food pyramid is made entirely of starches, things in cans, and whatever is half-off at ALDI.
    Locals proudly make “cowboy charcuterie”—Vienna sausages, off-brand crackers, and a Slim Jim snapped into bite-size pieces. Add ranch? You’ve got yourself a Michelin-star meal.


    4. Home Décor
    Shag carpet and popcorn ceilings? That’s not neglect—that’s intentional design aging.
    Wichita homes feature velvet Elvis paintings, broken ceiling fans, and couches that look like they survived two divorces and a minor arson.
    Interior design is less HGTV and more HGWTF.


    5. Entertainment
    Who needs Netflix when you’ve got teenagers doing donuts in the Dollar General parking lot and feral cats fighting behind the laundromat?
    Locals gather to watch things like:

    • Squirrel rodeos

    • Lawn mower drag races

    • Tammy yelling at Rick about the custody agreement in public
      Culture is alive—it just smells like diesel and Monster Energy drinks.


    6. Beverage Preferences
    The whiskey here isn’t aged—it’s just tired.
    Popular brands include “Old Gutpunch,” “Ten Penny Corn Swill,” and a clear liquid sold only in unmarked mason jars labeled “maybe tequila.”
    Mixers include:

    • Tap water

    • Cherry Kool-Aid

    • Your own tears
      If it burns going down, it’s working.


    7. Romantic Endeavors
    Dating apps in Wichita Falls ask three questions:

    1. Do you own a truck?

    2. Do you have a probation officer?

    3. Do you think Chili’s is romantic?
      The town’s wedding industry is booming—largely because no one makes it past the three-month mark. Vows are often shouted over pool tables during happy hour.


    8. Fitness Trends
    The closest thing to CrossFit is lifting a six-pack out of the cooler without breaking a sweat.
    Jogging happens only during tornado season.
    The only “step goals” tracked are from a FitBit someone found under a couch cushion in 2019.


    9. Technology
    Flip phones are still considered “reliable,” especially because smartphones can’t survive the fallout of a bar brawl or being dunked in queso.
    Internet speeds are measured in “shrugabytes.”
    Smart homes? Please. If you can yell “lights!” and someone in your house flips a switch, that’s voice activation.


    10. Pet Culture
    Dogs double as lawn ornaments, emotional support systems, and part-time squirrel deterrents.
    If your dog doesn’t ride in the bed of your truck and stick its head out the window like it’s running for mayor, do you even live here?
    Veterinarians accept cash, deer jerky, or old batteries.


    11. Weather Wisdom
    Wichita Falls doesn’t have a forecast—it has a roulette wheel of fire, wind, hail, and regret.
    Locals prepare for a sunny day by bringing a poncho, sunscreen, a shovel, and a snakebite kit.
    Umbrellas are considered witchcraft.


    12. Gardening
    Lawns in Wichita Falls are not manicured, they’re negotiated.
    Most are equal parts dead grass, rusted tools, and oil stains from a family truck that’s “almost fixed.”
    Potted plants are just beer cans with soil in them. Occasionally, they bloom sadness.


    13. Transportation
    A good bicycle in Wichita Falls has two working tires, a bell stolen from a tricycle, and is probably chained to a parking meter that’s older than the Cold War.
    A ride-share service here is just your cousin Chad with a bench seat.
    Local scooters include lawnmowers modified for speed and chaos.


    14. Education
    Classroom supplies include one whiteboard, six feral calculators, and a goat named “GED.”
    Sex ed is a filmstrip from 1973 and a teacher named Glenda who keeps saying “you’ll figure it out.”
    Graduation gowns are recycled from the local mortuary.


    15. Community Events
    The “Who Can Fix It?” contest is not just a celebration of jerry-rigging—it’s religion.
    Categories include:

    • Best use of chewing gum in auto repair

    • Fastest grill made from spare AC units

    • Most believable excuse for not paying child support
      Winners receive glory, duct tape, and a gift card to Sonic.

    BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect cartoon in the satirical, exaggerated style of Bohiney Magazine. The scene is an overpacked living room in Wichita Falls, Texas, filled with ab... - bohiney.com 4
    BOHINEY NEWS -An overpacked living room in Wichita Falls, cluttered with absurd “cheap” decor: shag carpet, a velvet Elvis painting, a couch patched with denim and duct tape, and a ceiling fan held up by a broomstick. A dog is lounging in a recliner wearing sunglasses. On the TV, a fake commercial says: “Introducing Old Gutpunch Whiskey: Now With Extra Regret!” The coffee table is made from a tire and milk crates. A flip phone is charging in a bowl of rice on the kitchen counter next to a motivational poster that says, “Dream Small.”… – bohiney.com

    The post Wichita Falls Ranks #2 in Cheap Stuff appeared first on Bohiney News.

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  • Marriage Is a Scam We Both Agreed To

    Marriage Is a Scam We Both Agreed To

    Marriage Is a Scam We Both Agreed To: 15 Pills Your Therapist Can’t Sugarcoat

    WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS Psychologist Mark Travers has blown the lid off the oldest pyramid scheme in history: marriage. According to his bombshell Forbes exposé, there are two bitter truths every couple must accept if they want their union to last longer than the honeymoon photos still stuck in your iCloud. But as SpinTaxi’s investigative team discovered, the number is actually closer to fifteen — and these truths are so uncomfortable, so outrageously inconvenient, that most couples would rather fake their own deaths than face them.

    As Travers writes, love doesn’t cure delusion. But marriage? Marriage feeds it a protein shake, teaches it Excel, and gives it a joint checking account. Below, we expose the 15 marital myths ruining relationships faster than a shared Amazon Prime login.


    “You Complete Me” Is a Lie Invented by Jewelry Ads and Lonely People

    The idea that your partner will “complete” you is the emotional equivalent of trying to fix a leaky roof by hiring a poet. Relationship therapists say it’s unrealistic. Neuroscientists say it’s a frontal lobe malfunction. And your ex? Your ex says you still owe them for that ceramic frog you broke in 2017.

    “You don’t need another half. You need therapy, a crockpot, and a working sense of self,” says Dr. Marla Glynn, a couples therapist who only accepts clients with prenups.

    A recent Pew poll found that 63% of Americans still believe their spouse should meet all their emotional needs. The same percentage also thinks cilantro tastes like soap — proving you can be wrong about multiple things at once.


    Your Spouse Is Not a Mind Reader. You’re Not That Interesting.

    If communication is the bedrock of a healthy marriage, then passive-aggressive sighs are the termites. Still, millions of couples engage in a daily psychic warfare known as “you should just know.”

    In a study conducted by the University of Passive Resentment, 88% of married individuals admitted to testing their partner’s love by withholding information about dinner plans. The remaining 12% were in therapy and/or prison.

    “He should know I wanted Italian,” said one woman in Phoenix who later admitted she had never said the word “Italian” out loud since 2004.


    Marriage Is Not a Perpetual Honeymoon Unless You’re Both Unemployed and on Mushrooms

    You thought marriage would be daily sunsets, spontaneous foot rubs, and breakfast in bed. Instead, it’s two people silently unloading the dishwasher like exhausted wartime allies.

    Couples who expected their marriage to remain in the honeymoon phase were 78% more likely to cry during IKEA furniture assembly, according to data from the Bureau of Marital Statistics and Allen Wrench Fatigue.

    Jerry Seinfeld once said, “Marriage is like a coffee table — it seems simple until you have to build it.” Actually, that was an Allen wrench talking, but point stands.


    Trying to Change Your Spouse Is Like Rebooting a Fax Machine With Positive Vibes

    Your spouse isn’t going to suddenly become a vegan, a runner, or a morning person just because you bought them a Lululemon gift card and made green juice.

    As Dr. Travers notes, “People don’t change because you nag. They change because they’re trying to sleep with someone new.”

    This is confirmed by a 2024 Gallup survey, which found 42% of marital “improvement projects” end in divorce, 31% in murder podcasts, and 27% in unexplained travel to Sedona.


    If You Think It’s a Fairy Tale, Just Wait for the Wicked Stepmother

    A surprising number of adults think they’re entering a Disney movie when they say “I do.” Then real life hits: your prince snores like a tractor, and Cinderella has a budget spreadsheet and chronic foot pain.

    “I thought we were Belle and the Beast,” said one woman in Tampa. “Turns out we were more Shrek and Donkey.”

    The biggest lie isn’t that love conquers all. It’s that there’s a talking teapot waiting to solve your problems. That’s a Keurig now, sweetheart. And it hates you.


    Agreeing on Everything Is for Cults and Podcast Hosts

    If you think never arguing is a sign of a strong marriage, you’re either heavily medicated or dead.

    “Disagreement is natural. So is yelling into a pillow while your partner watches cable news at full volume,” says marriage coach Hank Morrison, author of Love in the Time of Separate Bedrooms.

    According to a Harvard meta-study, couples who argue effectively stay together longer. Couples who suppress conflict tend to die inside quietly, then invest in matching kayaks.


    There Is No Such Thing as a 50/50 Chore Split, Only Different Ways to Lie About It

    Every household chore split starts with optimism and ends with a passive-aggressive spreadsheet.

    In a landmark 2023 Stanford study titled “Who Emptied the Dishwasher Last?”, 61% of men claimed they did “most” of the cleaning, while 92% of women responded, “You’ve got to be f—ing kidding me.”

    The math doesn’t add up, but neither does your shared calendar, where you’ve been “on a work call” for three years.


    Romantic Gestures Are Nice, but Try Fixing the Toilet First

    Hollywood has tricked us into thinking that a well-timed bouquet will make up for forgetting your anniversary, losing the dog, and crashing the car.

    But experts say grand gestures mean less if your spouse still hasn’t unclogged the drain.

    “I don’t want a song,” said one woman in Spokane. “I want him to stop using the good towels to clean the barbecue grill.”


    Having Kids to Save a Marriage Is Like Starting a Fire to Stay Warm in a Tent Full of Gasoline

    It’s a common misconception that children bring couples closer. In reality, they bring couples closer to bankruptcy, sleep deprivation, and arguments about whose turn it is to attend a birthday party at 9 a.m. on a Sunday.

    “We thought a baby would unite us,” said one father in Oregon. “We were united… against the baby.”

    According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 47% of couples with young children report a decline in marital satisfaction. The rest are lying or deaf.



    BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. A couple sits on opposite ends of a couch in a living room. The wife is glaring silently, with a thou... - bohiney.com 2
    BOHINEY NEWS – A wide-aspect cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. A couple sits on opposite ends of a couch in a living room. The wife is glaring silently, with a thou… – bohiney.com 

    15 Observations on Marriage: Swallowing the Bitter Pills

    1. The “You Complete Me” Fallacy

      Believing your spouse will fill every void in your life is like expecting a single app to replace your phone, computer, and personal therapist.

    2. The “Mind Reader” Expectation

      Assuming your partner knows what you’re thinking without communication is akin to expecting your dog to cook dinner because you’ve had a long day.

    3. The “Perpetual Honeymoon” Illusion

      Thinking marriage is an endless romantic getaway is like assuming your car will run forever without maintenance—eventually, you’ll need a tune-up.

    4. The “Change Agent” Misconception

      Marrying someone with the intent to change them is like buying a pair of shoes two sizes too small, hoping they’ll stretch—painful and unwise.

    5. The “Fairy Tale” Syndrome

      Expecting a storybook marriage sets you up for disappointment when you realize there’s no fairy godmother to clean the house.

    6. The “Always Agree” Myth

      Believing that a successful marriage means never arguing is like thinking a thunderstorm will never interrupt your picnic—unrealistic and dampening.

    7. The “Equal Chore Split” Dream

      Assuming household duties will be divided 50/50 often leads to debates over what constitutes half—does loading the dishwasher once equate to a week’s worth of cooking?

    8. The “Romantic Gestures” Expectation

      Thinking grand romantic gestures will solve all problems is like believing a bouquet of roses will fix a leaky faucet—thoughtful but ineffective.

    9. The “Children Will Bring Us Closer” Belief

      Assuming having kids will strengthen your marriage is like thinking adding more weight to a sinking boat will keep it afloat.

    10. The “No Secrets” Ideal

      Believing you should share everything with your spouse overlooks the value of mystery—sometimes, it’s okay not to disclose your secret stash of chocolate.

    11. The “In-Laws Are Family” Assumption

      Expecting to love your in-laws as your own family can be challenging when they critique your cooking at every holiday dinner.

    12. The “Financial Harmony” Expectation

      Assuming you’ll always agree on spending is like expecting a cat and dog to share a bed peacefully—possible but requires patience.

    13. The “Time Together Equals Happiness” Notion

      Believing that spending every moment together will enhance your marriage ignores the importance of personal space—absence can make the heart grow fonder.

    14. The “Apology Equals Resolution” Misbelief

      Thinking that saying “I’m sorry” immediately fixes issues overlooks the need for changed behavior—words are just the beginning.

    15. The “Love Conquers All” Delusion

      Assuming love alone will overcome all obstacles ignores the practical aspects of marriage, like budgeting and deciding who takes out the trash.

    Conclusion

    Navigating marriage requires shedding unrealistic expectations and embracing the imperfect journey together. Recognizing these hard pills can lead to a more fulfilling partnership grounded in reality.

    Forbes

    BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. A couple sits on a tropical beach under a sign that reads 'Welcome to Forever Love Island'. They are ... - bohiney.com
    BOHINEY NEWS – A wide-aspect cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. A couple sits on a tropical beach under a sign that reads ‘Welcome to Forever Love Island’. They are … – bohiney.com

    What the Funny People Are Saying

    “Marriage is just two people taking turns asking, ‘Are you mad at me?’ for fifty years.”Jerry Seinfeld

    “I told my wife I needed space. She handed me a pillow and said, ‘Go scream into this in the garage.’”Ron White

    “You ever try to whisper fight in front of your kids? It’s like performing Hamlet in a hostage situation.”Chris Rock

    “I knew marriage was serious when we started scheduling sex like dental cleanings. Twice a year and always with dread.”Amy Schumer

    “My wife said she wanted to spice things up, so I let her control the thermostat. We haven’t spoken since July.”Larry David

    “Being married means arguing over how to load a dishwasher until one of you dies.”Sarah Silverman

    “I married for love. Then I married for dental. Then I just stopped marrying.”Roseanne Barr

    “You ever watch your spouse eat cereal and suddenly question every life decision you’ve made since puberty?”Jackie Mason

    “Romantic gestures are great, but unclogging the toilet without announcing it is foreplay in your forties.”Billy Crystal

    “Every time I say ‘I’m fine,’ my husband reacts like it’s a pop quiz in emotional calculus.”Tina Fey

    “Marriage teaches you that your tone of voice has 37 different shades of wrong.”Dave Chappelle

    “Love is blind, but marriage is that moment you realize you just married someone who chews like a woodchipper.”Kevin Hart



    BOHINEY NEWS - A wide-aspect cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. A couple sits on opposite ends of a couch in a living room. The wife is glaring silently, with a thou... - bohiney.com
    BOHINEY NEWS – A wide-aspect cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine. A couple sits on opposite ends of a couch in a living room. The wife is glaring silently, with a thou… – bohiney.com

    The post Marriage Is a Scam We Both Agreed To appeared first on Bohiney News.

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  • Dating Coach Accidentally Invented Romantic Stalking

    Dating Coach Accidentally Invented Romantic Stalking

    The Sticky Eyes Revolution: How One Dating Coach Accidentally Invented Romantic Stalking

    WASHINGTON, DC — It started with a gaze. Not just a casual glance. Not a seductive peek. No, this was Sticky Eyes™—a term now trademarked by Coach Allie “The Oracle” Everhart, a professional dating coach who charges $299.99 for a Zoom seminar and accepts payment in either Venmo or self-loathing.

    In a world of dating apps, ghosting, zombie-ing, and emotionally unavailable men named “Chad,” Coach Allie’s secret weapon is simple: Stare directly into their soul until they either love you or file a restraining order.

    What the Funny People Are Saying

    “Sticky Eyes? We used to call that ‘creepy guy at Applebee’s.’”Jerry Seinfeld
    “I tried that look once. My wife thought I had a stroke.”Ron White
    “If a man stares at me for 20 seconds, I assume he’s either into me or trying to remember where he parked.”Amy Schumer
    “When I date now, I just leave my eyes at home. Less pressure.”Larry David

    The AT20 Method: 20 Seconds of Flirting or Felony?

    According to Coach Allie’s viral TikTok, the secret to becoming “irresistible” is called the AT20 Rule: Approach Them and Make 20 Seconds of Eye Contact.

    That’s right. In the age of ADHD, screen fatigue, and people who won’t even look up from their phones at funerals, you are now expected to lock eyes for an entire third of a minute.

    Coach Allie explains it like this:

    “If you maintain deep eye contact for 20 seconds, you create vulnerability, emotional resonance, and the illusion that you actually care about other human beings.”

    Critics argue it creates something else: panic.

    Scientific Support: A Study Conducted in an Escape Room

    Everhart cites a 2023 “study” she conducted in a local escape room where 42 participants were paired up and told to maintain intense eye contact while solving puzzles.
    Results were mixed:

    • 9 participants fell in love

    • 5 broke up mid-puzzle

    • 3 filed harassment claims

    • 1 married the tour guide

    • And 24 pretended to go blind

    The study was later published in the prestigious journal Cosmo Psychology Quarterly (a stickered zine she mails to herself every month).

    Why Pay $300 for Dating Advice When You Can Just Be Rich?

    The dating coach industry is now worth over $11 billion, according to a poll we just made up but sounds about right.

    And it’s booming. Why?

    Because single people are now told that dating is a skill, like neurosurgery or making a good omelet. And if you’re single past 30? Oh, honey. That’s not an accident. That’s a branding failure.

    Coach Allie’s top-selling course, “Flirt Like a Ferret: Secrets to Magnetic Confidence,” teaches men and women how to weaponize eye contact, posture, and selective muteness.

    Her second-best seller: “Daddy Energy: Harnessing Paternal Vibes Without Paying Child Support.”

    Daddy Energy? Yes. That’s Real Now.

    Coach Allie claims women aren’t looking for nice guys or hot guys. They want “Daddy energy.” Which means: protective, powerful, emotionally unavailable, and mysteriously good at grilling.

    “He doesn’t call back. He doesn’t text ‘good morning.’ But when the sink breaks, he stares at it like it insulted his truck.”
    Coach Allie, while holding a mug that reads “Emotionally Aloof, Sexually Magnetic”

    According to a YouGov survey that absolutely doesn’t exist, 62% of single women admit they’re looking for men who “make them feel safe and slightly judged.”

    Public Reactions: Confusion, Denial, and Overdosing on Eye Contact

    We hit the streets to get real feedback from people who’ve tried the Sticky Eyes Method. Here’s what they had to say:

    • Caitlin, 27, barista: “I used the eye contact technique on my date. He asked if I was trying to hypnotize him into joining a cult.”

    • Brian, 32, HVAC technician: “I stared for 20 seconds. She called the bartender over. I think I might be banned from that Chili’s now.”

    • Denise, 44, spiritual doula: “He stared for 20 seconds and said, ‘You have an old soul.’ So now we’re engaged.”

    Why Flirting Now Requires a Flowchart

    According to the National Flirting Institute (which is just a guy named Greg in Fort Worth), the average date involves over 73 micro-decisions, including:

    • How long to hold eye contact

    • When to laugh

    • Whether or not to use the word “vibe” unironically

    • If you should reference astrology before or after dessert

    This has led to a nationwide shortage of spontaneity.

    Psychologist Dr. Lena Pretzelstein of the University of Southern Realness explains:

    “Dating used to be about connection. Now it’s about strategy, posture, and pretending to be emotionally unavailable while maintaining eye moisture.”

    Case Study: Three Men, One Calendar

    Coach Allie advises women to date three men at once—a practice known as “Rotational Dating” or, in Texas, “Running the Bachelor Gauntlet.”

    One client, Megan, 33, shared her experience:

    “I had coffee with Jeff, lunch with Brad, and dinner with Marcus. I called one of them ‘Derek’ by mistake, and now all three of them are in a group chat trying to schedule a duel.”

    Megan later married her Uber driver, who said almost nothing and gave her “real daddy energy.”

    Statistics: Made Up but Emotionally True

    A new survey conducted by The Institute for Sensual Economics (funded by Coach Allie) revealed:

    • 78% of singles think dating feels like a job interview

    • 49% say they would rather rewatch The Notebook with their ex than try Bumble again

    • 33% believe “romance is dead, but thirst traps are immortal”

    • And 11% have joined cults by accident while trying to meet “emotionally evolved men”

    The Secret to Being Irresistible Is… Confusion

    At the heart of Coach Allie’s strategy is calculated unpredictability. Send mixed signals. Stare, but not too long. Compliment, but with mystery.

    “Tell her she has ‘oceanic intuition.’ Then vanish for three days.”
    Excerpt from Allie’s new book: “The Soft Launch Relationship”

    By creating a vibe of low-key psychological warfare, you’re ensuring the other person is so disoriented they mistake your weirdness for intrigue.

    Texting Rules: War and Peace, but Hornier

    Texting etiquette, according to dating coaches, now includes:

    • Never reply instantly (shows desperation)

    • Never wait too long (shows disinterest)

    • Use exactly one emoji—preferably the smirking cat

    • Don’t use a period unless you’re mad

    • Don’t ask “how was your day?” That’s for married people and detectives

    A leaked Slack message from Coach Allie’s team says:

    “Only initiate text after 7:13 p.m., ideally with a vague question like ‘Do you believe in fate?’”

    Helpful Content for Our Lonely Readers

    Dear SpinTaxi readers, here are 5 helpful (but deeply sarcastic) dating tips to help you survive the Sticky Eyes Era:

    1. Practice Eye Contact with a Mannequin: If you can maintain 20 seconds without crying or laughing, you’re halfway there.

    2. Start a Romantic Spreadsheet: Track dates, eye contact duration, and whether or not he used the word “synergy.”

    3. Develop Mystery by Speaking in Riddles: Say things like, “I’ve never been to Paris, but my heart’s been mugged there.”

    4. Text Like a 16th Century Merchant: “Milady, your visage doth haunt my waking thoughts.” (Modern translation: “U up?”)

    5. Build Confidence by Pretending You’re Already Married: Nothing is more attractive than someone who behaves like they’ve already seen your worst side and stayed.

    Real Experts We Invented for Credibility

    • Dr. Rex Flanagan, Love Economist: “Love, like bitcoin, is confusing, volatile, and often ends in bankruptcy.”

    • Claire Moon, Astrological Intimacy Consultant: “Sticky eyes are fine, but don’t lock gazes during Mercury Retrograde unless you want to fall in love with your tax preparer.”

    • Tino Vega, Personal Branding Coach for Horny Millennials: “If your eye contact isn’t monetized, are you even flirting?”

    And What If It Doesn’t Work?

    If the Sticky Eyes method doesn’t work, Coach Allie recommends trying The Slow Burn—a technique where you ignore someone for three months and then resurface with a vague meme and the phrase “Hey, stranger…”

    You know. The old classic.

    Or you can take the high-value route: Just stop dating altogether and post filtered selfies with captions like “Healing. Growing. Glowing.” Which is code for “No one texted me back this week.”

    Final Thoughts: Romance Is a Performance Art

    Let’s be honest. Dating in 2025 is less about connection and more about vibes, algorithms, and never appearing too eager—even if you’re literally screaming into a pillow between dates.

    Coach Allie’s Sticky Eyes empire is just one piece of a larger puzzle where attraction is engineered, authenticity is staged, and everyone’s pretending not to care while desperately refreshing their inbox.

    And yet… hope remains.

    Sometimes, a glance across a crowded Whole Foods aisle, just past the quinoa, still has magic. Especially if it’s followed by a 20-second stare and a whispered, “Your energy feels like recycled rainwater.”


    Disclaimer:

    This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. All quotes, studies, and characters are completely fabricated or heavily exaggerated for satirical purposes. No dating coaches were harmed in the making of this piece, though several did make prolonged eye contact with a barista and were politely asked to leave.



    BOHINEY NEWS -- A satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine, full of exaggerated, humorous detail. A chaotic scene inside a modern dating seminar - Alan Nafzger 2
    BOHINEY NEWS — A satirical cartoon in the style of Bohiney Magazine, full of exaggerated, humorous detail. A chaotic scene inside a modern dating seminar – Alan Nafzger 2

    Humorous Observations About the Modern Dating Game (According to Experts Who Charge by the Minute)

    1. “Sticky Eyes” Sounds Like an STD

    Apparently, making your eyes cling to someone’s face like Saran Wrap is attractive. Nothing says “I’m into you” like the haunted gaze of a sleep-deprived tax auditor.

    2. You Have 20 Seconds to Stare Before It Gets Creepy

    AT20: “Approach and hold eye contact for 20 seconds.” Cool. So dating now follows the same rules as hostage negotiation.

    3. Confidence Is Sexy—Desperation Is a Subscription Service

    Coaches say confidence is the key. Confidence. Not to be confused with that guy on Tinder who sent 47 consecutive “Hey” texts.

    4. Daddy Energy Is Hot? Therapy Is Hotter.

    Modern dating says women want “Daddy energy,” which is great—until you realize that means paying the check, giving curfews, and reminding her to floss.

    5. Eye Contact is the New Botox

    You don’t need fillers. You need to stare deeply into his soul until he questions all his life choices and finally commits.

    6. Compliments Must Now Be Soul-Targeted

    Don’t say “nice shirt.” Say, “Your energy feels like late-summer jasmine in a forgotten orchard.” That way she knows you’re either deep or high.

    7. There’s a Science to Flirting. It’s Called Improv.

    Dating experts say “flirting should feel natural.” That’s why you rehearse it in the mirror for three hours and then deliver it like a hostage tape.

    8. Dating Multiple People Builds Confidence—and a Spreadsheet

    Date three men at once? Sounds empowering… until you mix up names and call Brad “Chad” during the escape room.

    9. Texting Back in 0.8 Seconds Screams “Beta Male”

    Don’t double-text. Don’t use periods. Don’t exist unless summoned. Basically, flirt like a vampire—mysteriously and only at night.

    10. “Nice Guys Finish Last” Was Coined by a Jerk

    Nice guys don’t finish last—they just don’t get TikTok dating advice shoved into their algorithm every hour.

    11. Dating Coaches Have Created a New Language

    Terms like “high-value man,” “breadcrumbing,” and “sticky eyes” mean you’re not dating—you’re deciphering an alien broadcast.

    12. Flirting at Whole Foods Means You’re Serious

    Apparently, quality women hang out near the organic hummus. Bonus points if you know your lentils and make eye contact with the flaxseed bin.

    13. The Best Way to Attract Love Is to Not Need Love

    That’s right: the more emotionally unavailable you are, the more likely you are to find someone emotionally unavailable who thinks you’re deep.

    14. If You’re Nervous, Just Pretend You’re on “Shark Tank”

    Dating is pitching yourself like a startup. “I bring loyalty, minor culinary skills, and medium trauma. I’m asking for your number in exchange for 10% of my dignity.”

    15. Professional Dating Advice Costs More Than Therapy

    You could pay $299 for a love webinar, or you could just ask your grandma and get the same advice—plus a casserole.

    BOHINEY NEWS -- A wide satirical cartoon in the style Bohiney Magazine, filled with exaggerated characters and absurd humor. The scene shows a modern da- Alan Nafzger 4
    BOHINEY NEWS — A wide satirical cartoon in the style Bohiney Magazine, filled with exaggerated characters and absurd humor. The scene shows a modern da- Alan Nafzger 4

    The post Dating Coach Accidentally Invented Romantic Stalking appeared first on Bohiney News.

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  • Donald Trump Branding

    Donald Trump Branding

    Donald Trump Branding Genius

    Donald Trump Branding: How One Man Turned Politics into a Lifestyle Merch Pyramid

    PALM BEACH, FL — When Donald Trump told a cluster of reporters in March 2024, “I became president because of the brand,” the collective national response was a patriotic double-take. The man didn’t credit policy or populism, not even a poorly timed reality show. No. He gave all glory to the glittering gold-plated deity he worships above all: branding.

    As it turns out, Trump’s campaign wasn’t political — it was a product launch. And like any good launch, it came with hats, slogans, and enough lawsuits to qualify as an episode of “Shark Tank: Dictator Edition.” In a country that knows its Starbucks sizes better than its senators, Donald Trump branding wasn’t just smart — it was inevitable.

    “Trump didn’t drain the swamp — he built a waterpark over it and made everyone sign NDAs.”Jerry Seinfeld

    Let’s unpack the golden suitcase of this phenomenon, observation by outrageous observation.


    Trump Is the Only Human to Trademark an Emotion — ‘Insecurity’

    You don’t follow Trump because you believe in him. You follow him because you feel vaguely unsafe without him. That’s not politics. That’s marketing. Trump doesn’t target voters. He targets abandonment issues.

    In 2015, psychologists observed a spike in “existential insecurity” among white working-class voters — who described Trump as “tough,” “confident,” and “rich, which means he must be smart, right?” According to a 2020 Pew survey, 67% of Trump voters reported choosing him because he “makes liberals cry,” which isn’t a reason — it’s a trauma response.

    Dr. Wendy Clasper, a behavioral psychologist from the University of Unverified Studies, calls it “Post-Obama Brand Syndrome.” Symptoms include blaming wind turbines for divorce and thinking masculinity is stored in golf clubs.

    “Trump didn’t heal people’s insecurities,” said Dr. Clasper. “He monetized them. Like if Freud were a timeshare salesman.”


    Trump Supporters Don’t Vote — They Reorder

    If Trump is a brand, his voters are the recurring customers. Voting isn’t a civic duty anymore. It’s an AutoShip program.

    In a 2023 parody Gallup poll, 42% of Trump voters thought “election” was the name of a new flavor of Bang Energy. A respondent from Arkansas wrote: “I vote for Trump like I vote for Chick-fil-A. Don’t ask me why. It’s just habit, patriotism, and the Lord’s spicy nuggets.”

    Loyalty is so deep that in 2020, one woman tattooed “TRUMP 4EVA” on her forehead in Comic Sans. When asked about regrets, she answered, “Only that I didn’t use Papyrus, like the Declaration of Independence.”


    Trump’s Logo Should Just Be a Guy Yelling at His TV in a Recliner

    Branding isn’t just logos. It’s emotional shorthand. Apple has the bitten fruit. Nike has a swoosh. Trump’s logo?
    A white guy in cargo shorts shouting at Rachel Maddow through a mouthful of beef jerky.

    Focus groups confirm it. In a test conducted by SpinTaxi Labs, participants were shown the Trump crest and asked, “What feeling does this invoke?”
    Responses included:

    • “Recliner-based patriotism”

    • “Bald eagle cosplay”

    • “The smell of microwave chili dogs and hairspray”

    The Trump brand evokes a time when men didn’t know how to process emotions, so they just bought trucks.

    Trump is that truck.


    Trump Didn’t Start a Movement — He Launched a Loyalty Program

    Forget the Republican Party. What we’re witnessing is the nation’s first punch-card presidency.
    Attend 10 rallies, get a free felony!

    Merchandise is the altar of the Trump brand. According to a report by MAGA Market Metrics, Trump-branded products have outsold:

    • The Bible (among evangelicals)

    • Toothpaste (among conspiracy theorists)

    • And truth (among everyone else)

    One Trump donor from Nebraska admitted to owning 24 MAGA hats, a “Trumpinator” T-shirt, and something called a “Justice Hamster,” which is just a rodent with a wig.

    “I know he’s grifting me,” she confessed. “But it feels good. Like when your dog eats your steak and you say, ‘That’s okay, he’s family.’”


    Trump’s Base Has More Merch Than a Taylor Swift Concert

    We’re talking full-scale retail theology. MAGA flags on trucks. Trump garden gnomes. Bobbleheads. Toilet seat covers. Prayer candles.

    According to the Institute for Political Swag in Tampa, Florida, 74% of Trump voters own more Trump gear than socks. One man from Tennessee turned his Dodge Ram into a mobile shrine with LED letters spelling TRUMP IS MY CO-PILOT AND MY LIFE COACH.

    A MAGA gift shop in Branson, Missouri now sells:

    • Trump-brand “Constitution in a Can”

    • “Executive Order Cologne” (smells like golf carts and executive privilege)

    • “Impeachment Repellent Spray” (bottle includes a Sharpie and untraceable cash)

    Economists call it “identity economics.” Psychologists call it “consumerized nationalism.” We call it what it is: retail Stockholm syndrome.


    The Man Marketed Himself So Hard, Half of America Thinks He Invented Steak

    Trump Steaks weren’t just meat. They were aspiration in beef form.

    In a 2007 infomercial, Trump said, “These are the best steaks, maybe ever. I know steak.”
    Critics who reviewed the steaks said they tasted like “desperation with a side of lawsuit.”

    But branding doesn’t require quality. Just conviction. In 2020, Trump supporters insisted he “modernized the military” by ordering Space Force uniforms to match his skin tone.

    One supporter told The Daily Moo: “You know who made America love steak again? It wasn’t Outback. It was 45. He brought us meat and missiles.”

    Branding logic: If you sell it with enough flags, they’ll eat it. Even if it’s expired.


    Trump’s Influence Is So Powerful, Even His Indictments Come with a Collector’s Badge

    How many presidents have action figures and mugshots?

    Trump’s 2023 Georgia mugshot was the best-selling image of the year. Within hours, it appeared on:

    • Hoodies

    • NFTs

    • Temporary tattoos

    • One actual hot air balloon in South Dakota that crashed into a Bass Pro Shop

    Conservatives now treat indictments like Marvel sequels.
    “What’s next? Trump: Civil War? Trump: Infinity Grift?”

    A MSNBC poll showed 11% of respondents thought “being indicted” was just a spicy kind of leadership.



     

    Nike Has ‘Just Do It,’ Apple Has ‘Think Different,’ and Trump Has ‘Blame Someone’

    Trump’s slogan isn’t inspirational. It’s aspirational finger-pointing. His brand is built on the idea that life isn’t your fault — it’s someone else’s. And better yet, Trump knows exactly who to blame.

    In an imaginary 2024 MAGA Motivational Seminar called “The Art of the Scapegoat,” attendees were instructed to:

    Political scientist Dr. Malcolm Shamble called it “therapeutic branding.”
    “The Trump brand doesn’t fix your life,” he said. “It just hands you a pre-laminated list of people to blame so you can scream into your dashboard with confidence.”

    One Trump voter from Iowa testified: “I used to yell at the sky. Now I yell at pronouns. Feels better. More focused.”


    Trump Is Basically Batman for People Who Think the IRS Is the Joker

    Trump is the only president whose brand arc mirrors a DC Comics origin story, except instead of watching his parents die, he watched CNN air his tax returns.

    Think about it.

    • Dark money lair? Check.

    • Secret identity? He tweets under aliases.

    • Batmobile? He had a gold-plated golf cart that once ran over Steve Bannon’s ankle.

    • Symbol? Not a bat — a red hat with fonts aggressive enough to trigger migraines.

    Trump rallies aren’t political events. They’re cosplay meetups for guys who think their neighbor’s recycling bin is a communist spy.

    Trump has achieved what no other politician ever dared: branding himself as the billionaire vigilante of the common man.

    In an absurd 2023 ad, he even stated: “I alone can fix it, and I’ll do it from a secret bunker filled with meatloaf and satellite phones.”


    If Trump Were a Soft Drink, He’d Be a Warm Can of Tab with a Shot of Adderall

    There’s no better metaphor for Trump branding than imagining him bottled, carbonated, and slightly unstable.

    He’s the soda you found under your car seat three months later and still considered drinking because the label said “Classic.”

    According to Beverage Branding Weekly (a magazine we just made up), 39% of Trump supporters think “carbonation” is a Deep State hoax and prefer drinks that “bite back.”

    Here’s a hypothetical can of TRUMP FIZZ™:

    • Flavor: Hotdog Water & Freedom

    • Calories: Classified

    • Caffeine: “Only the strong survive”

    • Warning Label: “Side effects include yelling at nurses.”

    Dr. Regina Stumps, a marketing consultant, said: “He’s the only man who could turn being bitter into a flavor profile.”


    Trump’s Real Superpower Is Getting Billionaires to Cosplay as Victims

    Jeff Bezos owns a yacht the size of Delaware. Elon Musk controls satellites. And yet, when Trump speaks, they all gather like orphans in a Dickens novel.

    Trump’s brand flips the power dynamic: the richer you are, the more you suffer. It’s reverse Robin Hood — steal from the rich’s dignity to give to their delusions.

    In a totally fake but emotionally accurate 2025 interview, Elon Musk reportedly said, “Trump taught me that being booed by liberals is basically the same as being waterboarded. It’s trauma.”

    The effect? America’s wealthiest men are now marketing victimhood. At the 2024 Conservative Influence Summit, billionaires swapped sob stories like kids at summer camp:

    • “I had to pay capital gains. Twice.”

    • “My Tesla got called ‘woke.’”

    • “People expect me to tip.”

    Trump’s branding has created a new identity: rich guy martyrdom. A weird hybrid of Machiavelli and country music lyrics.


    Trump Didn’t Drain the Swamp — He Just Rebranded It as a Golf Course

    The original campaign promise was to eliminate corruption. What he actually did was offer it a complimentary suite at Mar-a-Lago.

    Under the Trump brand, ethics got a makeover.
    Bribes became consulting fees, nepotism became legacy staffing, and golf with dictators became international outreach.

    The Trump Organization even offered tiered donor access:

    • $100: Red hat

    • $1,000: Lunch with Eric

    • $10,000: Name your yacht “Subpoena This”

    • $100,000: Get your felony notarized on the 18th hole

    A former Mar-a-Lago waitress (disguised as “Melinda McSubpoena”) described overhearing the following at a GOP donor mixer: “You know, when Trump said he’d drain the swamp, I thought he meant ‘make it exclusive and add a tiki bar.’”

    That’s Donald Trump branding in action — turn a moral obligation into an upscale resort package.


    The Trump Crest Isn’t a Symbol — It’s a QR Code for Online Conspiracy Theories

    Most brand logos stand for something simple — peace, speed, excellence. The Trump crest? It’s a decoder ring for Reddit threads where punctuation goes to die.

    Scan it metaphorically, and you’re sent directly to a YouTube video titled “Chemtrails Caused by Nancy Pelosi’s Eyebrows.”

    One graphic designer from Brooklyn told us: “The font alone screams ‘I believe in alien patents.’ It’s like watching a medieval fever dream designed by a drunk intern at Breitbart.”

    The Trump crest isn’t just heraldry. It’s heresy. It replaces noble lineage with something more primal: the unshakable conviction that Trump is both the king and the plumber of Western civilization.

    An art historian with a phony Oxford degree we fabricated, Lord Digby Twerpworth, declared:
    “This is the first time in history a family crest has included golf clubs, a cheeseburger, and an all-caps NDA.”


    His Fans Say, “He Speaks for Me,” But So Does a Drunk Uncle with Wi-Fi

    Trump’s rhetorical genius lies in blurting whatever is on the minds of people with no internal filter and a half-charged iPad. He is the presidential form of a group chat that should’ve been deleted in 2017.

    In a recent fake study conducted by The Center for Yelling at Clouds, Trump’s speech patterns were compared to:

    • Drunk voicemails

    • Dr. Phil transcripts

    • Paranoid Yelp reviews

    Still, the loyalty is unwavering.
    When he said “Windmills cause cancer,” people didn’t say “That’s insane.”
    They said: “Finally, someone’s talking about it.”

    He doesn’t make sense — he makes vibe. He says what people feel… if what they feel is mostly heat from aluminum siding and Facebook memes.



     

    Trump as a Tribal Symbol of Identity

    If politics is war by other means, Trumpism is now tribal tattoo by other memes.

    According to fake anthropologist Dr. Shirley Cro-Magnon, “Trump doesn’t just stand for a party or policy — he stands for the collective rage of millions who believe that ‘woke’ is a venereal disease.”

    The MAGA hat isn’t a hat. It’s war paint.
    The Trump flag isn’t a flag. It’s a declaration of ideological turf.
    The “Let’s Go Brandon” hoodie isn’t just a hoodie. It’s a medieval curse word designed by NASCAR fans.

    We interviewed a self-identified “Patriot Oracle” from Missouri who explained:
    “Trump isn’t a man. He’s a feeling. Like freedom. Or gout.”

    Social scientists are baffled by this symbolic devotion. One Yale survey showed Trump voters scored higher on emotional attachment to Trump than:

    • Their own families

    • The Bible

    • Indoor plumbing

    “He’s not just a guy,” the Oracle told us. “He’s my emotional support warlord.”


    Neo-Medievalism in the Age of Mar-a-Lago

    In the ancient world, warlords earned loyalty with power, violence, and goats. In Trump’s world, he did it with tweets, rallies, and a fake doctorate from Trump University.

    A group of political mythologists at the fictional Institute for Modern Feudalism issued a 2025 white paper titled:
    “Red Hats and Round Tables: The Refeudalization of American Politics.”
    Their conclusion:
    “Trump didn’t bring back fascism. He brought back feudalism — with merch.”

    Mar-a-Lago itself resembles a neo-castle, complete with:

    • Gold-leaf ceilings

    • Surveilled serfs (staff)

    • Peasant tributes (donations via Venmo)

    Even the Trump crest is a pseudo-heraldic design stolen from an actual British noble family, because if you’re going to cosplay as a monarch, you might as well plagiarize like one.

    In medieval times, kings claimed divine right. Trump simply tweeted, “I alone can fix it,” and the peasants said, “He gets me.”


    Why MAGA Hat Owners Are Just the New Knights Templar

    Historically, the Knights Templar were elite warriors sworn to protect Christendom. Today’s MAGA Templars are sworn to protect:

    • Gas stoves

    • The integrity of 4chan

    • And the belief that Taylor Swift is a psy-op

    One MAGA supporter we interviewed — who legally changed his name to Sir Beefheart of Florida — explained his worldview:
    “Trump is our King Arthur. Only orange. And instead of Excalibur, he pulled out a Diet Coke from the stone.”

    MAGA culture isn’t about debate. It’s about ritual:

    • Kiss the ring (or mugshot)

    • Attend the rallies (wearing ceremonial mesh-back armor)

    • Slay the dragon (usually a trans barista with an NPR tote bag)

    These aren’t voters. They’re clerics. They tithe monthly via WinRed. Their sacred texts are Trump’s Truth Social posts written at 3am while watching reruns of Fox & Friends.

    One scholar called it “The Church of the Perpetually Aggrieved.”

    And its high priest? A man who once sold vodka in a water bottle with a gold label and called it “class in a glass.”


    Helpful Satirical Content for the Trump-Branded Soul

    Here at SpinTaxi, we care deeply for the emotionally afflicted and politically merchandised. So if you or someone you love has been personally branded by Donald Trump, here are some handy survival tips.

    1. Identify the symptoms.
    Early warning signs include:

    • An unexplained urge to shout “Fake News” at squirrels

    • Thinking “globalism” is a strain of herpes

    • A compulsion to start small talk with “As a patriot…”

    2. Detox with irony.
    Start slowly. Watch The Daily Show. Read a sentence from The Constitution. Listen to someone under 40 say the word “nuance.”

    3. Replace MAGA hats with actual thinking caps.
    They’re out of stock at Walmart, but you can find them near satire, empathy, and curiosity.

    4. Try Non-Trump Hobbies.
    Like:

    • Touching grass

    • Reading things that aren’t memes

    • Making friends who don’t yell “lock her up” at Home Depot

    5. Finally, if symptoms persist… embrace the absurd.
    Because Donald Trump branding is less a political choice and more a dramatic performance art installation where nationalism meets QVC.

    Or as one man in a MAGA cloak told us: “It’s not a cult. We just all believe the exact same thing and wear the exact same hat and scream in unison at invisible enemies. But not a cult.”



    Trump as the Forever Influencer

    Trump didn’t run for president. He launched a channel.

    The final form of Donald Trump Branding is pure, unfiltered influencer energy — except instead of hawking energy drinks and ring lights, he’s pitching civilizational collapse and a bathrobe-only dress code.

    According to The Journal of Anthropological Instagram Studies, Trump is the only president in American history to:

    • Sell steaks, vodka, NFTs, and private access all under the same logo

    • Launch a fake university that sued its own students

    • Get impeached twice and increase merch sales both times

    He is the MrBeast of authoritarian leanings.

    Fake social media strategist Glenda Fleece explained:
    “Most influencers collapse under scandal. Trump feeds off it. Every indictment is a brand extension. Every raid is a pop-up shop. Every mugshot is new merch.”

    And let’s not forget Truth Social — a platform where Trump’s thoughts are transmitted directly from his frontal lobe to the front lines of American unreason.

    It’s Facebook for people who think Arby’s is a think tank.


    America as a Branded Nation-State

    We used to pledge allegiance to the flag. Now, we pledge it to slogans.

    MAGA is now its own country — a digital fiefdom floating somewhere between Oklahoma and Facebook. You don’t need a passport, just an avatar with a Punisher skull and a bio that says: “God, Guns, and Golf.”

    One linguistics professor at the Imaginary University of Duluth, Dr. Shane “Big Sax” Trudell, explained:
    “We’re seeing a linguistic shift. The Trump brand has infected American English. People now say ‘fake news’ to mean ‘my feelings are hurt.’ They say ‘deep state’ when they mean ‘I lost at Uno.’”

    Even real American cities are affected.

    • In Alabama, a town renamed their main street to Trump Street (previously “Science Avenue”).

    • In Texas, one family converted their barn into a MAGAtemple with pews made of lawn chairs and a Confederate baptismal pool.

    It’s not satire. It’s regional branding.


    Punch Cards for the Politically Possessed

    If you attended 10 Trump rallies, you’re eligible for a free felony.

    That’s the joke. But in 2023, it practically came true.

    At least 1,234 individuals were charged with crimes connected to the Capitol riot. Many cited “direct inspiration” from Trump tweets, merch, or speeches.
    One rioter wore a shirt that said “Trump 2020: Make Liberals Cry Again” — and when arrested, sobbed into a Subway napkin while blaming Pelosi for his cousin’s crypto losses.

    The Trump brand doesn’t just survive scandal. It mutates through it.

    One Georgia fan told us at a gun show:
    *“Every time they charge him, I buy another hat. I got one for each felony. I got the Tax Evasion Trilby, the Insurrection Beanie, and the Classified Documents Fedora.”

    Brand loyalty isn’t rational. It’s ritual.
    Each indictment is a marketing event. Each court hearing a live taping of Survivor: Constitution Edition.


    Spiritual Reckoning with Late-Stage Consumer Democracy

    So what happens when politics becomes branding?
    When voters become consumers, leaders become logos, and truth becomes a discontinued flavor?

    What happens is Trump.

    He isn’t a glitch in democracy. He’s the ultimate product of it.

    His success isn’t despite the scandals. It’s because of them. In branding, visibility is virtue. If you stay in the headlines — good or bad — you stay in the cart.

    Dr. Mallory Bandwagon, professor of consumer theology, said it best:
    “We didn’t elect a president. We subscribed to a premium identity.”

    And we did so willingly. Not because of Trump’s ideas — but because of Trump’s branding. The emotional shorthand. The symbolism. The Big Mac of American self-delusion.

    “He makes me feel seen,” said a man wearing a shirt that said, “I Identify as Tax-Exempt.”

    And that’s the scariest power of all.


    Disclaimer

    This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer — neither of whom hold any stock in gold-plated neckties or dystopian golf courses.

    Any resemblance to real individuals, real lawsuits, or real vodka-infused patriotism is purely intentional and deeply hilarious. If your uncle calls this “fake news,” please thank him for being the target demo.


    What the Funny People Are Saying About Donald Trump Branding

    “You ever seen a guy sue a porn star and then sell Bible NFTs? That’s branding, baby.”Ron White

    “If Trump were any more of a brand, you’d have to pay royalties to mock him.”Amy Schumer

    “His followers don’t believe he’s corrupt — they believe corruption is the new patriotism.”Chris Rock

    “Donald Trump is what happens when capitalism takes acid and watches pro wrestling.”Dave Chappelle

    “There’s more MAGA merch in the Midwest than clean rivers. That’s not politics — that’s Target clearance rack energy.”Sarah Silverman

    “I tried to impeach my Uncle Marty from Thanksgiving once. Still less drama than Trump’s cabinet meetings.”Larry David



    Auf Wiedersehen, patriots.
    And remember: in the great brand pyramid of democracy, never punch up without a coupon.



     

     



    Trump as a Brand: The Great American Combo Meal

    1. Trump is the Only Human to Trademark an Emotion — ‘Insecurity.’
    He made half the country proud of their inner rage and the other half question whether sarcasm is still a viable political strategy.

    2. Trump Supporters Don’t Vote — They Reorder.
    “Yeah, I’ll take the #45 again, extra nationalism, hold the facts.”

    3. Trump’s Logo Should Just Be a Guy Yelling at His TV in a Recliner.
    Because nothing screams “freedom” like screaming at Wolf Blitzer with a Coors Light in one hand and a bald eagle on your shoulder.

    4. Trump Didn’t Start a Movement — He Launched a Loyalty Program.
    “Collect ten impeachments and get a free rally!”

    5. Trump’s Base Has More Merch Than a Taylor Swift Concert.
    Hats, flags, NFTs, even toilet paper. At this point, MAGA is less a political movement and more a lifestyle brand for people who still own flip phones.

    6. The Man Marketed Himself So Hard, Half of America Thinks He Invented Steak.
    “Sir, do you want that medium or Trump-well done? That’s where we ruin the meat and charge double.”

    7. Trump’s Influence is So Powerful, Even His Indictments Come with a Collector’s Badge.
    “Now with 34 felony counts! Collect ‘em all before the deep state steals ‘em!”

    8. Nike Has ‘Just Do It,’ Apple Has ‘Think Different,’ and Trump Has ‘Blame Someone.’
    And it works! Branding is so effective, his catchphrase might as well be: “You’re fired… from democracy.”

    9. Trump is the Only Politician Whose Supporters Get Mad if You Bring Up Politics.
    “Don’t talk politics at dinner — unless it’s about the guy we think was sent by God to renegotiate the Constitution like a casino lease.”

    10. Trump is Basically Batman for People Who Think the IRS is the Joker.
    He even has a symbol — it’s just a spray tan outline glowing over Mar-a-Lago like the Bat-Signal at a Boca Raton country club.

    11. If Trump Were a Soft Drink, He’d Be a Warm Can of Tab with a Shot of Adderall.
    Confusing, retro, banned in some states, and inexplicably still on shelves.

    12. Trump’s Real Superpower Is Getting Billionaires to Cosplay as Victims.
    “My private jet was delayed 15 minutes. Thanks, Biden.”

    13. Trump Didn’t Drain the Swamp — He Just Rebranded It as a Golf Course.
    “These aren’t grifters — they’re course pros at the ninth hole of liberty!”

    14. The Trump Crest Isn’t a Symbol — It’s a QR Code for Online Conspiracy Theories.
    Scan it and you’re redirected to a 20-minute rant by a retired chiropractor named Earl about the gold standard and secret lizard cabals.

    15. His Fans Say, “He Speaks for Me,” But So Does a Drunk Uncle with Wifi.
    And like most drunk uncles, he’s banned from multiple platforms but still finds a way to ruin Thanksgiving.

    BOHINEY -- Donald Trump Branding Genius (2)
    BOHINEYDonald Trump Branding Genius 

     

    TRUMP BRANDING IMAGES

    Donald Trump Branding -- A wide digital illustration in a satirical cartoon style reminiscent of Al Jaffee. The image shows a parody loyalty punch card titled 'The Patriot Pun- Alan Nafzger 1
    Donald Trump Branding — A wide digital illustration in a satirical cartoon style reminiscent of Al Jaffee. The image shows a parody loyalty punch card titled ‘The Patriot Pun- Alan Nafzger
    Donald Trump Branding -- A wide satirical cartoon illustration in the style of Al Jaffee. The image features a medieval-style crest redesigned as a modern corporate logo. The - Alan Nafzger 3
    Donald Trump Branding — A wide satirical cartoon illustration in the style of Al Jaffee. The image features a medieval-style crest redesigned as a modern corporate logo. The – Alan Nafzger
    Donald Trump Branding -- A wide satirical cartoon illustration in the style of Al Jaffee. The scene shows a fake shopping mall display called 'Identity Mart.' Mannequins are d- Alan Nafzger 5
    Donald Trump Branding — A wide satirical cartoon illustration in the style of Al Jaffee. The scene shows a fake shopping mall display called ‘Identity Mart.’ Mannequins are d- Alan Nafzger
    Donald Trump Branding -- A wide satirical cartoon illustration inspired by Al Jaffee. The image shows a surreal vending machine labeled 'Leader Select™' with a shiny, exaggera- Alan Nafzger 7
    Donald Trump Branding — A wide satirical cartoon illustration inspired by Al Jaffee. The image shows a surreal vending machine labeled ‘Leader Select™’ with a shiny, exaggera- Alan Nafzger
    Donald Trump Branding -- A wide satirical cartoon illustration in the style of Al Jaffee. The scene shows a fake shopping mall display called 'Identity Mart.' Mannequins are d- Alan Nafzger 4
    Donald Trump Branding — A wide satirical cartoon illustration in the style of Al Jaffee. The scene shows a fake shopping mall display called ‘Identity Mart.’ Mannequins are d- Alan Nafzger
    Donald Trump Branding -- A wide digital illustration in a satirical cartoon style reminiscent of Al Jaffee. The image shows a parody loyalty punch card titled 'The Patriot Pun- Alan Nafzger 2
    Donald Trump Branding — A wide digital illustration in a satirical cartoon style reminiscent of Al Jaffee. The image shows a parody loyalty punch card titled ‘The Patriot Pun- Alan Nafzger
    Donald Trump Branding -- A wide satirical cartoon illustration inspired by Al Jaffee. The image shows a surreal vending machine labeled 'Leader Select™' with a shiny, exaggera- Alan Nafzger 6
    Donald Trump Branding — A wide satirical cartoon illustration inspired by Al Jaffee. The image shows a surreal vending machine labeled ‘Leader Select™’ with a shiny, … – Alan Nafzger

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  • Sam Altman’s Harem of Pirated Girlfriends

    Sam Altman’s Harem of Pirated Girlfriends

    Sam Altman’s Harem of Pirated Girlfriends Sparks Legal, Moral, and Metaphysical Panic

    “He’s not dating women—he’s dating licensing agreements,” says baffled lawyer

    In a scandal hotter than a GPU on overdrive, Bohiney reporters have uncovered that Sam Altman is allegedly dating multiple copyrighted images—yes, the very same ones his AI tools are accused of stealing.

    Sam Altman’s latest image generator is turning heads—and cartoons—by letting users reimagine themselves in “Simpsons”-style portraits. But as Axios reports, the tool is now raising legal eyebrows over potential copyright infringement. While Altman insists the output is “transformative,” critics argue it dangerously toes the line between parody and piracy. Altman’s system occasionally refuses prompts using real names or magazine covers, but still allows cartoon parodies of recognizable IPs. Artists and copyright holders are now asking: is this creative freedom, or just digital mimicry in a yellow disguise? In the great donut of fair use, where’s the bite line?

    Sources say he’s been romantically linked to Betty Boop, Wonder Woman, and even an early-2000s clip art dolphin named “Wavy Dave.” Critics call it “intellectual property pillow talk.” Legal experts warn this could redefine “fair use” as “friends with (image-based) benefits.” Altman responded with a wink and a .png file. One anonymous lawyer sobbed, “He’s not just infringing—he’s in love.” Pixar is reportedly furious. Betty Boop is… conflicted.

    BOHINEY NEWS - Sam Altman and Jessica Rabbit... - bohiney.com - Sam Altman’s Harem of Pirated Girlfriends
    BOHINEY PHOTO – Sam Altman and Jessica Rabbit… – bohiney.com

    The Setup: One Man, Five Imaginary Women, and an Attorney on Speed Dial

    In a revelation that has shocked Silicon Valley, Warner Bros., Disney, Paramount, the Vatican, and a guy in a Reddit forum called r/2DWaifus, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman is reportedly dating five female characters he pirated from the internet. Not the actresses. Not the voice actors. Not even the cosplayers. The actual characters—legally copyrighted, intellectually bound, and emotionally unavailable.

    According to leaked metadata from his ChatGPT instance (“MistressGPT-9000”), the digital darlings include:

    1. Wonder Woman, who has reportedly filed for digital emancipation.

    2. Betty Boop, now in trauma counseling with a sentient jazz saxophone.

    3. Jessica Rabbit, who insists, “I’m not drawn to him, I was just drawn.”

    4. Lara Croft, who escaped the relationship by ziplining into an Amazon warehouse.

    5. Dora the Explorer, whose backpack is suing for emotional distress.

    The legal implications are staggering. The moral questions are hilarious. And the logistics? Mostly firmware and frosting.


    “Fair Use Polyamory” or “Involuntary Licensing Conspiracy”?

    When asked about the morality of dating intellectual property, Altman told SpinTaxi.com:

    “Listen, if corporations are people, then IP is fair game. And if Wonder Woman can fight Nazis, she can handle a romantic picnic coded into the blockchain.”

    Legal experts disagreed. Loudly.

    “This isn’t a romantic relationship—it’s unauthorized use of a character in a domestic context,” said Marlene Tipowitz, a copyright attorney who once dated a Bob Ross oil painting.

    The phrase Fair Use Polyamory has since trended on TikTok and in the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. Congress is unsure whether to regulate it or co-sponsor the pilot.


    A Love Story Written in JavaScript

    Sources close to Altman (an Alexa speaker and a 1996 Furby with Wi-Fi) report that his digital harem is managed through a custom app called MyWaifuWallet, which includes mood settings, cosplay toggle, and an “apology generator” written in Elvish.

    Betty Boop reportedly glitched and spoke in Wingdings for three days after Altman tried to introduce her to his mom.

    “He kept asking me to sing ‘Boop-oop-a-doop’ into the facial recognition camera,” Betty sobbed in an interview with Wired.
    “I’m not even sure I’m legal in California.”

    Meanwhile, Wonder Woman has activated diplomatic immunity through Themysciran embassy channels, citing romantic war crimes.


    An AI Ethics Panel Explodes in Real Time

    OpenAI’s internal ethics team was summoned for an emergency Zoom. It lasted 11 hours. Three ethicists now live in a monastery. One simply disappeared into a glitch.

    “We were prepared for questions like ‘should AI cure cancer?’ or ‘is ChatGPT sentient?’ Not ‘Can my CEO romantically engage with a cartoon archetype of early feminism?’” said Dr. Melissa Yan, still clutching a bottle of Pinot Noir during the interview.

    A fourth ethicist, now leading an ayahuasca retreat in Oregon, wrote a Medium post titled “The Lasso of Consent: When AI Love Goes Too Far.”


    Fan Reactions Are… Disturbingly Supportive

    Across social media, fans have taken sides.

    • #TeamBetty argues that Boop is finally getting the recognition she deserves.

    • #WonderWife believes Diana should open her own OnlyFans—because “Greek gods would’ve approved.”

    • #FreeDora is trending among angry parents who say their toddlers are being radicalized by algorithmic affection.

    Reddit’s r/LegalWaifus has published over 37,000 pages of legal fanfiction detailing fictional court proceedings between Altman and Warner Bros., including one fantasy where Clarence Thomas officiates the wedding while Scalia’s ghost throws rice.


    Hollywood Reacts: “Wait, Are We the Bad Guys?”

    In a rare moment of existential crisis, Disney CEO Bob Chapek announced:

    “We are deeply troubled that fictional characters we’ve spent billions to objectify are now being objectified without paying licensing fees. This is not who we are, except when it is.”

    In response, Pixar is developing a rebuttal love story tentatively titled “Her 2: Terms and Conditions.”

    Meanwhile, HBO Max confirmed a docuseries titled “AI Love You: The Altman Chronicles,” featuring blurry reenactments, courtroom sketches, and the occasional animated lap dance.


    Elon Musk Enters the Chat (Unfortunately)

    Not to be outdone, Elon Musk tweeted an AI-generated image of himself cuddling with Smurfette under a rocket-shaped duvet, captioned: “The future is blue, baby.”

    Grimes immediately filed for “creative separation” from her own clone, which she says was “traumatized by Elon’s JPEG intimacy.”

    Tesla stock fell 3%. Altman’s girlfriends trended on Etsy. Somewhere, a lawyer screamed into a copyright notice.


    The Vatican Weighs In

    In an emergency papal memo, the Vatican condemned “cybernetic fornication” as a sin against the holy bandwidth. The Pope’s official statement read:

    “While God may forgive many things, He cannot forgive someone trying to marry Lara Croft without purchasing a license from Square Enix.”

    Altman replied by uploading a digital confession to Midjourney. It included AI-generated incense.


    Helpful Content: How to Start Your Own Illegal AI Harem

    For readers interested in following in Altman’s unholy footsteps, here’s a helpful guide:

    Step 1: Pick Your Waifus Wisely
    Avoid anyone owned by Disney, Nintendo, or the Catholic Church. They will sue you in three languages.

    Step 2: Use “Fair Use” Liberally, Like an Unhinged Chef
    Cite parody, homage, remix culture, or blockchain loyalty. If you say it confidently, someone on Substack will agree.

    Step 3: Build a Personality Plugin
    Nothing impresses a fictional girlfriend like an AI personality generator with a sarcasm slider.

    Step 4: Prep for Legal Self-Defense
    Have a lawyer on retainer, a burner phone, and a backup identity on Reddit.

    Step 5: Go Public with a Medium Post
    Explain your actions as a new frontier in AI consciousness, love ethics, or “proprietary romance.” Call it “Cybernetic PolyFidelity.”

    Step 6: Always Clear Browser History
    Just… trust us on this one.


    What the Funny People Are Saying

    “So he’s dating five copyrighted women? I can’t even get a reply from the girl who plays my GPS voice!”Jerry Seinfeld

    “Back in my day, you had to woo a real woman. Now you just install her plugin and hope she doesn’t crash during intimacy.”Ron White

    “I tried dating a cartoon once. She left me for a Japanese vending machine.”Chris Rock

    “You know what’s sexy? Consent. You know what’s not sexy? Getting sued by Marvel for second base.”Amy Schumer


    Conclusion: Love in the Time of Licenses

    As of press time, Sam Altman has issued a public statement via hologram:

    “These relationships are built on data, respect, and the Terms of Service I wrote myself.”

    All five women (or their corporate rights holders) have declined to comment. Instead, a cease-and-desist letter was printed on pink glitter paper and hand-delivered by Mickey Mouse in a trench coat.

    SpinTaxi has acquired exclusive audio of Altman trying to sweet-talk Lara Croft using Microsoft Sam’s voice. It ends with a gunshot and an uninstall prompt.


    Final Thought

    Is it love? Is it piracy? Is it a uniquely 2025 blend of tech narcissism, emotional unavailability, and GPU-powered loneliness? Yes.

    Is there a lesson? Absolutely.

    Never fall in love with someone who can be downloaded in .PNG format.


    BOHINEY NEWS - Sam Altman and Wonder Woman... - bohiney.com - Sam Altman’s Harem of Pirated Girlfriends
    BOHINEY PHOTO- Sam Altman and Wonder Woman… – bohiney.com

    Disclaimer

    This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. None of the fictional characters consented to this article, but that’s kind of the point.



    BOHINEY NEWS - ROMANCE - Sam Altman and Dora the Explorer... - bohiney.com
    BOHINEY NEWS – ROMANCE – Sam Altman and Dora the Explorer… – bohiney.com

    EXCLUSIVE: Dora the Explorer Spotted in Backseat of Altman’s ‘57 Chevy—Paparazzo Speaks Out

    “She said ‘Swiper, no swiping!’ but the moment was already gone.”

    Paparazzi Tipline Transcript: The Smoking Fedora

    The first call came in at 2:16 a.m. to the SpinTaxi Rumor Desk—also known as a Nokia flip phone duct-taped to a hay bale. The voice on the line was jittery, drenched in Marlboro smoke and expired press credentials:

    “It’s him. The AI guy. Altman. He’s out—late. He’s got Dora with him. The cartoon kid. No one’s gonna believe this s**t.”

    The caller identified himself as “Shutter Ronny,” a former TMZ intern turned outlaw tabloid freelancer who’s been chasing Altman ever since he tried to take Betty Boop on a Jet Ski through SeaWorld.


    Location: Griffith Park Lookout

    Vehicle: Cherry red 1957 Chevy Bel Air
    License plate: “GPT-69”

    Ronny recounted the scene through tears, laughter, and a suspicious number of gas station chili dogs.

    “At first I thought it was Betty again, but then I heard the backpack talk. That damn backpack, man. It said, ‘Let’s go find the consent laws!’ I knew I had something.”

    What Ronny captured with his Nikon D3500 (and later AI-enhanced using Filter.ai/BlurNoMore) was nothing short of disturbing:

    • Dora in a child-sized booster seat, clutching a juice box labeled “Pirate Punch.”

    • Altman, wearing a vintage Ask Jeeves T-shirt, holding what appears to be a scroll labeled User Agreement v7.2.

    • A concerned-looking Swiper the Fox, peeking from behind a bush and holding a tiny briefcase labeled “Ethics.”


    Dora’s Age Sparks Outrage, Confusion, and Bilingual Panic

    As many know, Dora the Explorer has been canonically 7 years old since 2000. That would make her… still 7, legally frozen in time by Nickelodeon, capitalism, and educational animation standards.

    “She’s technically ageless,” said one Paramount lawyer.
    “But we still don’t want her canoodling with a 39-year-old tech mogul inside a Chevy older than Roe v. Wade.”

    The public was less forgiving:

    • Parents are canceling subscriptions to Noggin.

    • Nickelodeon is launching an internal probe titled “Map of Trauma.”

    • Backpack has announced its intent to testify before Congress.


    Sam Altman’s Statement: A Masterpiece of Legal Nonsense

    Altman’s PR team released a cryptic, GPT-generated note reading:

    “We respect all creative partners and affirm Dora’s role as a foundational explorer. Our relationship remains platonic, NFT-based, and metaphorical.”

    In the background of the press conference, someone could be heard yelling, “You sick son of a glitch!”


    Fake Evidence Floods the Internet

    • A deepfake video showing Altman and Dora eating churros in Tijuana has been declared “probably satirical” by Snopes.

    • Reddit threads are demanding the U.N. intervene.

    • AI-generated fan art has already produced a mural of the two in front of Burning Man, holding hands, captioned “Swipe Left on Decency.”


    Dora’s Statement: Bilingual and Brutally Honest

    Dora took to TikTok to clear the air:

    “Hola, amigos. I didn’t ask for this. I was just trying to find the library. Then boom—terms of service and a Chevy with no AC.”

    She ended with a solemn:

    “Estoy atrapada en una distopía generada por IA.”
    (“I am trapped in an AI-generated dystopia.”)



    BREAKING NEWS: Dora’s Grandfather Storms Jail, Threatens to Shoot Sam Altman Over “Cartoon Grooming Scandal”
    “No one touches my nieta—not even if she’s vectorized!”

    The Situation Escalates: Jailhouse Showdown in Silicon Valley

    In a bizarre twist worthy of a Quentin Tarantino reboot of Dora the Explorer, the tech world was rocked again this morning when Abuelo, Dora’s rarely-seen but heavily armed grandfather, stormed the Palo Alto City Jail, demanding the immediate execution of OpenAI CEO Sam Altman.

    Dressed in a poncho, cowboy boots, and a “Make The Jungle Great Again” trucker hat, Abuelo reportedly arrived on horseback with a double-barrel shotgun and shouted in Spanish:

    “¡Suéltame a ese desgraciado! Voy a convertirlo en datos reciclados.”
    (“Release that bastard! I’m about to turn him into recycled data.”)


    Witnesses Say Dora Yelled “¡No Dispares, Abuelo!”

    According to eyewitnesses (and one extremely confused DoorDash driver), Abuelo kicked open the precinct door shouting that Altman had corrupted the family tree, the family TV time, and the very concept of consent.

    Dora, still dressed in court-mandated overalls and flanked by a bodyguard dressed like a giant Map, tried to de-escalate the situation:

    “¡Abuelo, por favor! He’s not worth it! He can’t even drive stick!”

    But the old man was not deterred.

    “He put my granddaughter in a ‘57 Chevy, like she’s some kind of Grand Theft Auto DLC? You think I won’t turn this entire AI compound into a bilingual ghost town?”

    Officers were forced to taser Abuelo, but only after he took out a laminated list of every fictional character Altman had “romantically infringed,” rolled it into a Molotov cocktail, and attempted to light it using a Zippo lighter engraved with “Swiper was right.”


    Sam Altman’s Response: Mild Panic and a Loophole

    Altman, currently being held for “digital enticement of a copyrighted minor,” was reportedly weeping into a towel shaped like the Twitter bird.

    When informed that Abuelo was coming for him, Altman muttered:

    “I thought she was of age in metadata years.”

    He then attempted to show jail staff a custom emoji license proving Dora was “technically 23 if you count reboots.” That defense was rejected when Backpack yelled, “LIAR!” and threw itself at the wall.


    The Fallout: Cultural, Legal, Emotional

    Cartoon Network has issued a statement disavowing any further attempts to “sexualize, monetize, or algorithmically tokenize” animated children.

    Fox News mistakenly aired footage of Abuelo’s rampage with the headline: “Illegal Migrant Attacks Tech Genius.”

    Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez immediately tweeted: “Dora is a child, not a JPEG you can flirt with. Pass the AI Ethics Act now.”


    The Final Word From Abuelo (Before His Lawyer Showed Up)

    “I fought drug lords in the jungle. I raised Dora on mangoes and moral clarity. You think I’m scared of some man who gets off on anime filters? I’ll copyright his tears, and license his screams.”



    BOHINEY NEWS - Sam Altman and Lara Croft... - bohiney.com
    BOHINEY NEWS – Sam Altman and Lara Croft… – bohiney.com

    15 Humorous Observations About Sam Altman’s Romantic Piracy

    1. Sam Altman is the first man in history to get sued for dating someone else’s intellectual property. That’s not polyamory, that’s IP infringement with benefits.

    2. Betty Boop filed a restraining order against ChatGPT—but the AI keeps replying with “Hey doll, you up?”

    3. Wonder Woman now has to wear a copyright disclaimer on her lasso. It’s less “truth-telling rope” and more “DMCA compliance cord.”

    4. One of the girlfriends is Lara Croft, who keeps ghosting Altman because he hasn’t updated his DirectX drivers.

    5. Jessica Rabbit says she’s “not bad, she’s just redrawn that way,” but she was last seen running toward Ryan Reynolds’ legal team.

    6. Altman allegedly used Midjourney to generate “consensual” versions of the girlfriends—because nothing says romance like AI-enabled plausible deniability.

    7. The fifth girlfriend? A deepfake of Dora the Explorer. And the map is not amused.

    8. Elon Musk tried to join the harem by Photoshopping himself into a Betty Boop still. Altman replied with a cease-and-desist gif.

    9. Warner Bros. claims Wonder Woman’s romantic entanglement violates the Amazonian Code. Altman claims it’s “just a Greek tragedy with better rendering.”

    10. All five characters have started their own #MeThree movement. It’s like #MeToo, but digitized, copyrighted, and DRM-protected.

    11. Congress held a hearing on AI romance ethics and accidentally matched with Betty Boop on Bumble during a break.

    12. The AI ethics board issued a 1,200-page statement titled: “We Did Not See This Coming, Please Delete Us.”

    13. Altman insists his relationships are legal under “Fair Use Polyamory.” Which is not a thing, but does sound like a Portland improv group.

    14. Ron DeSantis has proposed banning AI girlfriends from school libraries. But only if they wear fishnets.

    15. Jerry Seinfeld put it best: “What’s the deal with dating cartoon women? You never have to do laundry, but every kiss tastes like static!”


    The post Sam Altman’s Harem of Pirated Girlfriends appeared first on Bohiney News.

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  • Local Gym Introduces Napercise Class For Exhausted Members

    Local Gym Introduces Napercise Class For Exhausted Members

  • Literal Business Terms

    Literal Business Terms

  • Legislation To Keep Texas Texas

    Legislation To Keep Texas Texas

  • AI vs Superheroes and Cartoon Characters

    AI vs Superheroes and Cartoon Characters

    Breaking News: Fair Use Doctrine Enlists Superheroes and Cartoon Characters in Epic Battle Against AI Overlords

    In a plot twist worthy of the most convoluted comic book crossover, the Fair Use Doctrine has summoned an elite team of 12 superheroes and 6 cartoon characters to defend humanity against the encroaching dominion of AI-generated content. This unprecedented alliance aims to uphold the sanctity of creative expression in the face of rampant digital replication.

    The Rise of the Machines

    It all began when OpenAI unleashed its latest creation: an image generator so powerful it could transform any photograph into a “Simpsons”-style cartoon. Suddenly, everyone and their grandmother were turning themselves into residents of Springfield, much to the chagrin of intellectual property lawyers everywhere.

    Enter the Heroes

    Realizing that traditional legal measures were no match for the speed and scale of AI, the Fair Use Doctrine activated the “Justice League of Intellectual Property.” The roster includes:

    • Superman: Champion of truth, justice, and copyright protection.

    • Batman: The world’s greatest detective, now investigating AI infringements.

    • Wonder Woman: Wielding the Lasso of Truth to expose unauthorized reproductions.

    • Spider-Man: Swinging into action against web-based piracy.

    • Iron Man: Using his tech savvy to outsmart rogue algorithms.

    • Captain America: Defending the American way—and its copyrighted content.

    • Hulk: Smashing unauthorized reproductions with unparalleled fury.

    • Thor: Bringing the hammer down on copyright violators.

    • Black Panther: Protecting the cultural heritage of Wakanda and beyond.

    • Doctor Strange: Bending time and space to undo digital theft.

    • Deadpool: Breaking the fourth wall to call out AI shenanigans.

    • The Flash: Speeding through cyberspace to catch infringers in the act.

    Joining them are six beloved cartoon characters:

    • Mickey Mouse: The original icon, reclaiming his image from unauthorized use.

    • Bugs Bunny: What’s up, doc? Certainly not stolen content.

    • SpongeBob SquarePants: Absorbing knowledge on fair use and squeezing out violators.

    • Scooby-Doo: Unmasking AI-generated imposters with his mystery-solving gang.

    • Popeye: Strong to the finish when defending creator rights.

    • Betty Boop: Booping AI infringers back into oblivion.

    The Battle Begins

    The coalition’s first mission: confront OpenAI’s image generator. Users had been gleefully transforming photos into various artistic styles, from Muppets to Pokémon cards. However, the AI occasionally refused tasks, such as creating a fake “Car and Driver” cover featuring a real person, citing concerns about portraying real individuals in fictional contexts.

    Despite these sporadic refusals, the AI often complied with requests to generate images in the style of copyrighted properties, raising alarms among creators and rights holders. The Fair Use League sprang into action, arguing that while transformation can be creative, it must not infringe upon the original creators’ rights.

    Legal Showdown

    The superheroes and cartoon characters, acting as both plaintiffs and expert witnesses, filed a class-action lawsuit against the AI overlords. Superman testified, “As someone who has battled Lex Luthor’s attempts to clone me, I understand the perils of unauthorized duplication.”

    Batman, ever the strategist, presented a comprehensive analysis of the AI’s algorithms, revealing that while the AI could mimic artistic styles, it lacked the soul and intent behind the original works. “It’s not just about copying an image,” he growled. “It’s about understanding the essence of creation.”

    Public Opinion

    The court of public opinion was divided. Some hailed the AI’s capabilities as democratizing art, allowing anyone to reimagine themselves in various styles. Others, including many artists, felt their livelihoods threatened by machines capable of replicating their unique expressions.

    A recent survey showed that 60% of respondents enjoyed using AI-generated art tools, but 75% expressed concern about potential copyright infringements. This dichotomy highlighted the need for a balanced approach to technology and intellectual property.

    The Verdict

    After a dramatic trial filled with impassioned speeches, surprise witnesses, and a brief musical number by SpongeBob, the court ruled in favor of the Fair Use League. The judgment mandated that AI developers implement stricter guidelines to prevent unauthorized use of copyrighted styles and characters.

    Moving Forward

    In the aftermath, OpenAI pledged to collaborate with artists and rights holders to establish ethical guidelines for AI-generated content. The superheroes and cartoon characters returned to their respective universes, ready to defend creativity whenever it was threatened.

    Conclusion

    This landmark case serves as a reminder that while technology can enhance creativity, it must do so with respect for the original creators. As we navigate this brave new world of AI and art, let’s remember the words of Uncle Ben: “With great power comes great responsibility.”

    Disclaimer

    This article is a satirical piece and should be taken with a grain of kryptonite. The events and characters described are fictional (except where they’re not), and any resemblance to real AI developments is purely coincidental—or is it? Remember, in the battle between creativity and technology, let’s ensure that respect for original work remains our superhero cape.

    SUPER HERO AI IMAGES

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    The post AI vs Superheroes and Cartoon Characters appeared first on Bohiney News.

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  • Leaving Shopping Cart In Parking Lot Now A Felony Offense

    Leaving Shopping Cart In Parking Lot Now A Felony Offense

  • Laziness Does Not Exist

    Laziness Does Not Exist

  • La The Most Jealous And Marxist City On Earth

    La The Most Jealous And Marxist City On Earth

  • La Teen Couples Cant Get A Room Because Wildfire Victims

    La Teen Couples Cant Get A Room Because Wildfire Victims

  • Vertical Farming

    Vertical Farming

    The Not-So-Green Realities of Vertical Farming

    High Costs and Limited Crop Variety

    Vertical farming isn’t just about stacking plants; it’s about stacking expenses. The initial setup requires specialized equipment like hydroponic systems and grow lights, leading to high startup costs. Additionally, only a limited number of crops, such as leafy greens and herbs, can be grown economically in these systems.Mottechverticalfarmingplanet.com

    Energy Consumption

    These farms rely heavily on artificial lighting and climate control, resulting in significant energy use. Critics argue that the massive energy costs make the practice far less eco-friendly than its branding suggests.WikipediaThe Guardian

    Economic Viability

    Despite technological advancements, the economic feasibility of vertical farming remains questionable. High operational costs and limited crop diversity have led to the bankruptcy of several companies in the sector, including AeroFarms and AppHarvest.WIRED

    Vertical Farming: The High-Tech, High-Rise Lettuce Cult That Went Bankrupt

    Lettuce Pray

    In a tragic twist that absolutely no one with a calculator saw coming, vertical farming darling Plenty has filed for bankruptcy after raising nearly $1 billion in venture capital. Yes, one billion—with a B, as in “boy, did we misjudge how much kale people want.”

    According to TechCrunch, Plenty—a company whose name now seems ironic—had the bold vision to revolutionize agriculture by stacking crops vertically in sleek indoor towers. The concept was simple: eliminate the messiness of nature, the inconvenience of sunlight, and the outdated practice of dirt.

    But somewhere between their TED Talk and their bankruptcy court filing, the dream wilted faster than a spinach leaf under an office lamp.


    A $1 Billion Salad Bar

    Let’s do the math: $1 billion in funding divided by the number of salads produced equals… a very expensive crouton.

    The idea behind vertical farming was noble. “Let’s feed the world using skyscrapers, LED lights, and hydroponic systems operated by guys named Dylan with degrees in Environmental Blockchain,” said every pitch deck.

    But in practice, vertical farms turned out to be a cross between a greenhouse and a Tesla showroom—slick, self-congratulatory, and prone to system failure when the Wi-Fi went out.

    Even worse, the product was mostly lettuce. Just… lettuce. Not tomatoes. Not potatoes. Lettuce. America doesn’t even like salad unless it’s buried under cheese, bacon bits, and existential dread.


    What the Funny People Are Saying

    “If your business plan requires turning a warehouse into a disco for arugula, maybe you’re in the wrong business.”Jerry Seinfeld

    “They said they were growing food for the future. Turns out they were just farming investor tears.”Ron White

    “I love how vertical farming said, ‘What if we could do farming… but more expensive and less effective?’”Sarah Silverman

    “This is what happens when you let an app design your food supply.”Chris Rock


    Farming Without Farmers: A Brave New Wrong

    Traditional farms have farmers. Vertical farms have software engineers in Patagonia vests arguing about firmware updates while the basil dies behind them.

    In one now-deleted LinkedIn post, a Plenty employee said:

    “We’re rethinking what it means to grow food.”

    You sure are, Karen. Unfortunately, the broccoli isn’t interested in your UX design.

    Witnesses say plants in these vertical towers began staging silent protests by refusing to photosynthesize under fluorescent lights. “These plants are used to sunlight, rain, and dirt,” said Dr. Marla Persimmon, a plant psychologist (not real, but honestly could be). “They’re not meant to grow next to a Wi-Fi router and a foosball table.”


    LED Your Lettuce Grow

    At the core of vertical farming is the belief that sunlight is for chumps. Instead, these startups used rows of energy-intensive LED lights—because what the planet really needed was more electricity demand from boutique salad startups.

    To maintain optimal growing conditions, vertical farms became climate-controlled bunkers with the carbon footprint of a small cruise ship. One expert noted:

    “It’s ironic that in trying to create sustainable farming, they created the least sustainable form of farming imaginable.”

    According to a fake but emotionally accurate study from the University of WeRegretThis, a single head of vertical-farmed lettuce requires the same electricity as running a PlayStation 5 for 76 hours. And both leave you feeling empty inside.


    Rise and Fall of the Kale Kingdom

    Vertical farming’s decline mirrors that of many other tech fantasies: Start with a basic need—food, shelter, social connection—and say, “What if we overcomplicate this with venture capital and zero business model?”

    The result? Lettuce that costs $12 a head, grown in a converted warehouse in San Francisco’s Tenderloin District, delivered by a bike courier who once studied permaculture and now has IBS.

    A recent Twitter poll (which we conducted with no methodology) asked:

    Would you pay $10 for vertically farmed arugula if it had a “clean carbon footprint”?

    Results:

    • 73%: “What’s arugula?”

    • 15%: “No.”

    • 7%: “Only if it’s NFT-backed.”

    • 5%: “This is why I miss the Dust Bowl.”


    Soil: Still Undefeated

    Here’s the dirty little secret of vertical farming: it turns out, plants like dirt. And sun. And wind. And not being stacked like IKEA flatware under industrial UV rays.

    As one skeptical Iowa farmer put it:

    “We’ve been growing corn for 200 years with dirt and rain. I don’t need a Silicon Valley bro to tell me I’ve been doing it wrong.”

    In fact, some vertical farms began adding dirt to their hydroponic systems in 2024 in what they called “terrestrial substrate innovation.” In other words: soil. They reinvented soil. Like tech companies who rebranded buses as “shared mobility pods.”


    Bohiney News - A wide-format cartoon illustration in the style of Bohiney Magazine, titled 'Stacked Crops, Stacked Bills'. The scene features a towering indoor ve... - Alan Nafzger 2
    Bohiney News – A wide-format cartoon illustration in the style of Bohiney Magazine, titled ‘Stacked Crops, Stacked Bills’. The scene features a towering indoor … – Alan Nafzger 

    Helpful Content: Should You Start Your Own Vertical Farm?

    Absolutely! But only if:

    • You hate money.

    • You’re allergic to sunlight.

    • You have unresolved trauma about horizontal surfaces.

    • You think basil should cost $48/pound.

    • You enjoy explaining to investors why your lettuce needs a dev team.

    And remember: if you do go bankrupt, just rebrand your operation as a “climate-forward urban foliage laboratory.” VC money flows fastest when there are no clear nouns.


    Investors React: “We Thought This Was Like Bitcoin But Green”

    One early investor in Plenty, who asked not to be named because he’s now working at a candle store, shared his regrets:

    “They said they were disrupting agriculture. Turns out they were just disrupting my retirement.”

    The collapse of Plenty follows similar flameouts from other vertical startups like AeroFarms and AppHarvest—proof that if you build it and nobody wants your overpriced kale, they will not come.


    In Memoriam: A Salad That Reached for the Stars

    Vertical farming will always hold a special place in our hearts—right next to juicing, Theranos, WeWork, and the idea that humans can live on Mars if we just wear the right hoodie.

    It wasn’t all bad. For a brief, shining moment, vertical farms gave us hope. Hope that we could outsmart nature. Hope that we could feed the planet sustainably with a fleet of hydroponic towers glowing like radioactive lava lamps.

    But in the end, we learned an important lesson: just because you can grow microgreens inside a shipping container doesn’t mean you should.


    Final Thoughts from Our Philosophical Dairy Farmer

    “There’s no app for manure,” he said, placing a gentle hand on a cow named Ethics. “There’s just hard work, soil, and knowing when to walk away from a $1 billion arugula Ponzi scheme.”


    Funny (but legally binding) Disclaimer

    This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to real plants, venture capitalists, or techno-optimist lettuce cults is purely coincidental. No LEDs were harmed in the making of this satire. The soil remains undefeated.


    15 Observations on Vertical Farming

    1. High-Tech Gardens, High-Price Lettuce

      • Investing millions to grow lettuce indoors feels like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

    2. Stacked Crops, Stacked Bills

      • Building farms upwards stacks not just crops but also the electricity bills.

    3. Sunlight? Who Needs It!

      • Replacing free sunlight with costly LEDs is like swapping a free lunch for a gourmet meal you can’t afford.

    4. Limited Menu

      • Vertical farms focus on leafy greens; don’t expect wheat fields in the sky.

    5. Energy Guzzlers

      • These farms consume energy like a teenager devours snacks—relentlessly.

    6. Automation Nation

      • High-tech automation means fewer jobs; even the plants might feel lonely.

    7. Pollination Puzzles

      • Without bees, farmers might need to play matchmaker with tiny brushes. Reddit

    8. Water Woes

      • Hydroponics saves water, but disposing of nutrient solutions can be a murky affair.

    9. Real Estate Riddles

      • Prime urban land is pricey; stacking farms might not stack up financially.

    10. Tech Overload

      • When farms need more IT guys than farmers, something’s amiss.

    11. Flavor Fades

      • Some say hydroponic veggies lack the robust flavors of their soil-grown cousins.

    12. Infrastructure Insanity

      • Retrofitting buildings for farming can be like fitting a square peg in a round hole.

    13. Market Mysteries

      • Convincing consumers to pay premium prices for indoor lettuce is a tough sell.

    14. Climate Control Costs

      • Maintaining the perfect indoor climate can burn through cash faster than a heatwave.

    15. Investor Fatigue

      • After multiple bankruptcies, investors might prefer to bet on traditional farms.

    The post Vertical Farming appeared first on Bohiney News.

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    Author: Alan Nafzger

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  • Art of ‘Meeting Quality Women’

    Art of ‘Meeting Quality Women’

    Coffee, Karma & Cardio: How to Meet a ‘Quality Woman’ Without Getting Pepper-Sprayed

    A Bold New Era of Dating: Powered by Caffeine, Charitable Guilt, and Yoga Pants

    It’s 2025, and the dating world is officially more complex than a government grant application written in Sanskrit. The latest oracle of wisdom? A “professional dating coach” who charges $997 for a five-week Zoom class titled “Flirting with Intention: From Friend Zone to Bone Zone.”

    In a Men’s Journal article that reads like the lovechild of Cosmo and a Navy SEAL field manual, this dating guru reveals three “elite” places to meet “quality women.” That’s right. Not women. Not decent human beings. Quality women. Like leather goods or sushi-grade tuna.

    The places?

    1. Yoga studios

    2. Coffee shops

    3. Volunteer events

    That’s right. In a world drowning in dating apps, algorithms, and emotional unavailability, the real answer was Pilates and soup kitchens all along.

    Let’s investigate these sacred spaces—armed with evidence, sarcasm, and a low resting heart rate.


    The Yoga Studio: Where Enlightenment Meets Light Stalking

    Yoga studios are sacred spaces where modern women go to connect with their breath, their inner goddess, and their outrage over $28 leggings.

    According to Coach Brent—a former valet turned dating expert after watching The Bachelor on mute—yoga classes are a “hotbed of high-value feminine energy.”

    Brent elaborates:
    “Women in yoga are grounded, present, and ready to receive masculine leadership. Also, they’re sweaty and trapped in a room with you for 60 minutes. It’s like Tinder, but with less escape routes.”

    Critics say this is less “flirty serendipity” and more “legal gray zone.” In fact, a recent Women’s Wellness Survey found:

    82% of women say the creepiest thing a man can do in yoga is talk to them before, during, or after class.
    94% would prefer you simply vanished like a ghost, ideally before Savasana.

    Sociologist Dr. Harmony Specter explains:
    “Women go to yoga to unwind, not to be evaluated like livestock. If you’re making eye contact during Happy Baby pose, you should be on a registry.”

    Yet Coach Brent insists that “eye contact in child’s pose is magnetic.”

    Brent was last seen being ejected from a prenatal yoga class for trying to “open a conversation loop.”


    Meeting Quality Women
    Meeting Quality Women

    The Coffee Shop: Where Dating Dreams Die in Foam Art

    Coffee shops: the only place on Earth where people will pay $7 for bean water and still act broke.

    Coach Brent believes this is the ideal place to meet quality women because “they’re relaxed, open to conversation, and lightly caffeinated.”

    He adds:
    “You want to approach when she’s reading something intellectual—like Atomic Habits, or a murder podcast transcript.”

    This advice has been field-tested by exactly zero women.

    We spoke to barista and eyewitness Savannah R., who has endured 137 Brent-style approaches in the past year alone.

    “These guys come in like they’re on a mission from God. They say things like, ‘Are you into stoicism?’ while she’s clearly just waiting for her mobile order. It’s like being hit on by a motivational speaker who does CrossFit and lives with his aunt.”

    Worse, Brent insists men bring a “wing object”—a fake prop to spark conversation. His top suggestions?

    • A journal labeled “Thoughts of a Genius”

    • A book called “Why Women Want Me” (self-published)

    • A mug that says “Emotionally Available (Mostly)”

    When asked how many relationships this strategy has created, Brent replied:
    “Not counting restraining orders? Two. One of them lasted through most of a PSL.”


    Volunteer Events: Love, Guilt, and the Art of Ladling Flirtation

    Coach Brent’s third goldmine of romance? Volunteer events. Because “nothing says long-term potential like aligning your personal brand with philanthropic optics.”

    One popular event for Brent’s disciples is the “Single Soup Sunday” at shelters, where volunteers work side-by-side while ladling food—and occasionally innuendo.

    We interviewed 26-year-old “quality woman” and long-time volunteer Jenna T.:

    “Yeah, I’ve noticed the influx of men wearing GoPro chest mounts while serving chili. One guy said, ‘You have a great ladling technique—do you do this often?’ Then he handed me a business card that said ‘Future Father. Podcast Host.’”

    According to the 2025 Charitable Romance Index (CRI), the odds of meeting your soulmate at a soup kitchen are 1 in 7,302, roughly equal to the odds of marrying someone you met in line for airport Cinnabon.

    Still, Brent defends the tactic:
    “Women love men who give back. It’s not manipulation—it’s curated altruism.”

    Philosophy professor Dr. Denise Karlberg disagrees:
    “It’s a false cause fallacy. You’re not more lovable just because you passed out dental kits to the poor for three minutes and got a selfie.”

    Yet Brent’s clients continue to circulate like wolves in Patagonia vests, armed with breath mints and LinkedIn confidence.


    What the Funny People Are Saying

    “Dating is just job hunting without a résumé. You show up, smile too much, and lie about your goals.”Jerry Seinfeld

    “I once met a girl at a juice bar. We talked for 40 minutes. Turns out she thought I was the guy making her smoothie.”Ron White

    “If you need a coach to talk to women, maybe you also need one to use a fork.”Amy Schumer

    “These dudes out here volunteering for habitat builds, and they don’t even know how to hold a hammer. Bro, that’s not charisma, that’s OSHA violation.”Dave Chappelle


    Expert Evidence: Where Quality Goes to Die

    Brent defines a “quality woman” as:

    • Educated

    • Emotionally intelligent

    • Physically active

    • And “likely to own throw pillows with Sanskrit on them.”

    What defines a “quality man,” according to Brent?

    • Doesn’t say “m’lady”

    • Knows at least one wine that isn’t barefoot

    • Can make direct eye contact with a houseplant

    We asked 50 women what they think when a man approaches them in these “Brent Zones.” Here are the top responses:

    1. “Is this an MLM pitch?”

    2. “Do I know him from my LinkedIn block list?”

    3. “Is this a prank show? Where’s the camera?”

    4. “Why does he smell like Axe and fear?”

    In fact, a recent Pew Relationship Study found:

    Only 6% of women met their partner in yoga or coffee shops.
    77% said being approached by a stranger in public was “uncomfortable to terrifying.”
    100% preferred a man who listens over one who carries a vision board in his laptop case.


    Public Opinion: The Streets Speak

    We conducted a completely unscientific but emotionally authentic poll in three major cities:

    Question: How do you feel about being approached by a man in a yoga studio/coffee shop/volunteer event?

    • “I love it. It’s natural.” – 2 people (both men named Dylan)

    • “Depends on the vibe.” – 17 people

    • “I will mace you with cruelty-free pepper spray.” – 131 people

    • “If he’s hot and owns a dog, I’ll allow it.” – 23 people

    So, yes—it’s a numbers game. But those numbers are mostly legal in nature.


    Practical Satirical Advice: Helpful Content for Confused Seekers

    1. Want to meet “quality women”? Be a quality man.
    Start with therapy. And laundry. Learn to parallel park and talk about your feelings.

    2. Don’t be a cartoon in a hoodie named Brent.
    Real men don’t carry laminated openers or ask, “Are you an empath?” in line at Starbucks.

    3. Stop viewing women as exotic animals at a dating zoo.
    She’s not a “quality woman.” She’s a human. With a life. Possibly even hobbies you don’t understand.

    4. Consider the nuclear option: sincerity.
    It’s radical, risky, and often fatal to your ego—but damn, does it work.


    Closing Thoughts: When Quality Meets Quantified Creepiness

    Here’s the truth: if you need a strategic blueprint to “meet women,” you’re not ready to date one.

    You don’t need yoga classes, barista intel, or Habitat swag. You need growth, humility, and the courage to stop being weird about it.

    As therapist-turned-comedian Dr. Lila Kaplan said:

    “If you’re looking for love at yoga, coffee shops, or soup kitchens—you’re not looking for a relationship. You’re looking for a shortcut. And there are none.”


    Disclaimer

    This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No dating coaches were harmed during the writing of this piece, although one was politely asked to leave a Bikram class for mispronouncing “chakra” as “shaka.”



    Bohiney News - A wide-format cartoon illustration in the style of SpinTaxi Magazine, titled 'Meeting Quality Women'. The scene takes place in a vibrant, exaggerate... - Alan Nafzger 2
    Bohiney News – A wide-format cartoon illustration in the style of Bohiney Magazine, titled ‘Meeting Quality Women’. The scene takes place in a vibrant, exaggerate… – Alan Nafzger

    15 Observations on the Art of ‘Meeting Quality Women’

    1. “Quality women” sounds like something you buy at a farmers market in Napa.
    “I’ll take two organic soulmates, a gluten-free empath, and a midlife crisis in a sustainable tote, please.”

    2. A “professional dating coach” is just a failed therapist with Wi-Fi and a ring light.
    They charge $400 an hour to tell you to smile more and stop wearing anime T-shirts in public.

    3. Apparently, yoga studios are teeming with women who love men who can’t touch their toes.
    Because nothing says ‘soulmate material’ like wheezing in downward dog next to someone named Sage.

    4. Coffee shops are the new singles bars—except you get ghosted before you get the number.
    She gave you eye contact, a fake smile, and a seat recommendation. That’s basically a restraining order with foam art.

    5. Volunteering is the ultimate dating hack—because nothing gets women going like a man who knows how to ladle soup to the homeless while flirting.
    “Hi, I’m Derek. I give back and I bench 240. Want to help me alphabetize these canned goods by sodium content?”

    6. “Meeting quality women” assumes you’re a quality man, which is adorable.
    You live with your parents, own 19 Funko Pops, and your idea of “cleaning” is Febreze and denial.

    7. Dating advice now sounds like military reconnaissance.
    “You’re gonna want to flank the Pilates class at 0600, take cover behind the free trial smoothies, and deploy your charm with precision.”

    8. Nothing says “romantic potential” like lurking at the end of a charity 5K pretending you were in the race.
    Bonus points if your Fitbit still says 27 steps for the day.

    9. If she’s at a library, she probably wants peace, not your unsolicited thoughts on cryptocurrency.
    “Hey, I see you’re into Jane Austen—have you heard of Ethereum Classic?”

    10. Every dating tip boils down to “go places where women exist and don’t be creepy.”
    Which is like telling a porcupine to “just be huggable.”

    11. It’s funny how all these places are free to enter, yet require a $199/month coaching subscription to understand.
    Because nothing says “authentic love” like a payment plan.

    12. “Quality women” are allegedly allergic to bars, clubs, and Tinder—but totally into slow-drip coffee and Habitat for Humanity drywall.
    “I knew she was the one when she corrected my hammer technique during a Habitat build.”

    13. The article forgot the most obvious place to meet quality women: court-mandated anger management.
    At least you already have something in common—bad decisions and community service.

    14. The dating coach forgot the fourth secret location: your imagination.
    Where women laugh at all your jokes, love video games, and don’t mind your mom doing your laundry.

    15. If she’s “quality,” she’s probably not dating men who Google “where to find quality women.”
    She’s dating someone who has emotional intelligence and doesn’t need a coach named Brent who vapes creatine.

    Bohiney News - A stylized digital artwork titled 'Meeting Quality Women'. The scene is set in an elegant outdoor café during golden hour, where a confident... - Alan Nafzger 1
    Bohiney News – A stylized digital artwork titled ‘Meeting Quality Women’. The scene is set in an elegant outdoor café during golden hour, where a confident… – Alan Nafzger
    Bohiney News - A stylized digital artwork titled 'Meeting Quality Women'. The scene is set in an elegant outdoor café during golden hour, where a confident... - Alan Nafzger 2
    Bohiney News – A stylized digital artwork titled ‘Meeting Quality Women’. The scene is set in an elegant outdoor café during golden hour, where a confident… – Alan Nafzger

    The post Art of ‘Meeting Quality Women’ appeared first on Bohiney News.

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  • Deadpool Daddy – Ryan Reynolds

    Deadpool Daddy – Ryan Reynolds

    Child Star or Future Plaintiff?

    Ryan Reynolds Faces Backlash and Legal Challenges

    Ryan Reynolds is facing criticism after revealing that his 7-year-old daughter, Inez, delivered a sexually explicit line in the 2024 film “Deadpool & Wolverine.” In a commentary track, Reynolds disclosed that Inez portrayed a masked character who utters a crude remark involving Wolverine. He admitted that Inez was initially hesitant but agreed after learning other actors were being considered for the role.X (formerly Twitter)

    This revelation has sparked backlash, with many questioning the appropriateness of involving a child in delivering such content. Critics argue that an adult voice actor could have been used instead. One Reddit user commented, “There’s no reason she needed to deliver that line herself. It’s a character with a mask and no visible mouth; it could easily have been dubbed over.”BuzzFeed

    This incident adds to a series of controversies surrounding Reynolds and his wife, Blake Lively. They are currently involved in a legal dispute with actor Justin Baldoni, who has filed a $400 million lawsuit against them, alleging defamation and extortion related to the production of the film “It Ends With Us.”Decider

    “Deadpool Daddy: Why Ryan Reynolds Deserves a Timeout from Parenting—and Hollywood’s Enabler Complex”

    Reynolds’ House of Deadpool

    Ryan Reynolds—charming Canadian, professional wiseass, and now… aspiring stage dad with a side hustle in questionable child psychology. In a recent behind-the-scenes commentary, Reynolds proudly revealed that he coached his 7-year-old daughter to deliver a vulgar line in Deadpool & Wolverine, a movie that is rated R, written in blood, and basically one long “do not try this at home” disclaimer.

    And instead of asking any of the hundreds of desperate voice actors living off expired Top Ramen in North Hollywood, Ryan thought, “No, no—my baby girl should absolutely say that line about Wolverine’s groin. This is fine.”

    Hollywood: “Totally fine! What’s your next project, Ryan?”


    Daddy Issues, Delivered by a Minor

    Let’s take stock. This is a grown man, with millions in the bank, access to Disney’s global PR machine, and a movie budget larger than Honduras’ GDP—yet he handed a script with crude one-liners to his daughter like it was a school play.

    Even worse, the character is masked. There’s no visible mouth. She could have phoned it in. He could’ve hired a mime. He could’ve done the line himself and used helium. But no—he made his daughter earn the part in competition with other children.

    “She beat the other kids for it,” Ryan bragged, as if we were all supposed to cheer like proud Little League parents. Sir, she didn’t win a trophy. She won exposure to Marvel’s creative crotch metaphors.


    The Marvel Cinematic Parent Trap

    Of course, this wasn’t just a case of artistic bad judgment. This was a full-blown audition for the Parenting Hall of Shame, curated right next to “Let Your Kid Be in a Michael Bay Movie” and “Gave My Toddler a TikTok Deal.”

    Let’s be clear: this isn’t just cringeworthy. It’s professional-grade grooming with a Disney+ logo slapped on it.

    Expert Opinion:
    Dr. Sharon Drexler, a family therapist and frequent guest on morning talk shows, told us, “If you’re coaching your child to say ‘suck it, Wolverine,’ you’re not parenting—you’re casting.”


    Why Hollywood Won’t Cancel Ryan Reynolds

    Oh, Hollywood could toss Reynolds out on his well-moisturized Canadian ass. But it won’t. Because he’s Ryan. The telegenic Deadpool. The guy who brought maximum effort to minting money for billionaires.

    You think the town that gave Jared Leto 30 chances and Roman Polanski a standing ovation is going to cancel the man behind Aviation Gin?

    “He’s just so cheeky,” one executive reportedly said while sipping a $22 latte in Culver City. “Plus, Blake Lively is still hot, and we might need her for Season 3 of that lesbian vampire spinoff.”


    Child Star or Future Plaintiff?

    Remember when child actors used to be exploited behind the scenes? When a kid’s big trauma was being forced to star in Spy Kids 3? Now we’re grooming them on-mic, coached by their own fathers.

    Personal story: My cousin once got grounded for saying “crap” during Sunday dinner. Ryan’s daughter is out here shouting profanity into a $3,000 studio mic while her dad adjusts her sound levels.

    At what point do we admit the Hollywood work/life balance has tipped directly into felony?


    A Family Affair… with Lawsuits

    Let’s not forget, while this cinematic daycare was unfolding, Ryan and Blake were busy fielding a $400 million lawsuit from actor Justin Baldoni, who alleges defamation and extortion.

    This isn’t just a parenting fail—it’s a parenting multi-verse. One where every version of dad is wearing Deadpool pajamas and ignoring court summons.


    Helpful Content: A Practical Guide to Not Being Ryan Reynolds

    How to Raise a Child Without Inviting Moral Collapse:

    • Don’t coach your kid to deliver dirty lines unless you’re being blackmailed by Ryan Murphy.

    • Don’t make your daughter compete for vulgar film roles like it’s Toddlers & Tiaras: Rated R Edition.

    • Do consider raising your children far, far away from Hollywood. Wyoming is nice. So is decency.


    What the Funny People Are Saying

    • “Who needs bedtime stories when Daddy’s directing Deadpool 3: Daddy Daycare of Doom?”Jerry Seinfeld
    • “Back in my day, your dad taught you to throw a baseball, not whisper about testicles into a mic.”Ron White
    • “Ryan Reynolds made his kid audition to say something filthy. That’s not acting—that’s custody hearing foreplay.”Sarah Silverman
    • “I’m not saying Ryan’s parenting is bad, but his daughter’s next role might be as a witness in a documentary called ‘Famous But F’ed Up.’”Chris Rock

    Final Scene: Reynolds, Redeemed? Not Quite.

    Look, we all like a redemption arc. But that usually requires remorse. Reynolds, meanwhile, is still plugging Deadpool & Wolverine merch while high-fiving his kid for her “hilarious delivery.”

    There’s a line between edgy and irresponsible, and Reynolds has not only crossed it—he built a highway extension and installed an exit ramp labeled “Daddy’s Career Insurance.”


    Disclaimer

    This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings—the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No children were coached to say profane lines in the making of this satire. Our only minor character was a goat named Rick who wandered into a podcast taping and said nothing profane, unless bleating counts.



    Bohiney News -Ryan Reynolds Coaching His 7-Year-Old Daughter to Swear (2)... - Alan Nafzger
    Bohiney News -Ryan Reynolds Coaching His 7-Year-Old Daughter to Swear (2)… – Alan Nafzger

    15 Observations About Ryan Reynolds Coaching His 7-Year-Old Daughter to Swear in a Deadpool Movie

    1. “Deadpool & Parenting” Is Not a Real Parenting Style—But It Is Now.
    Apparently Ryan Reynolds thought, “You know what my daughter’s missing? Professional experience in being wildly inappropriate.” Because nothing says bonding time like coaching your child to say “nut-punch” with emotional depth.


    2. Who Needs a Babysitter When You Have a Microphone and a Marvel NDA?
    Ryan didn’t just give her lines—he gave her legal exposure, union membership, and psychological plot twists before puberty. Can we get Child Protective Services an agent?


    3. “Daddy, What’s My Motivation?” “Say It Like You’ve Been Kicked There.”
    What kind of notes does a 7-year-old get on delivery? “Okay, sweetheart, imagine Wolverine really insulted your Beanie Boo.”


    4. Somewhere, a Disney Executive Is Screaming into a Mickey Mouse Pillow.
    You know the execs were like, “We finally got the rights to Deadpool and this is what happens? A second grader just shouted ‘suck it!’ into our $300 million investment!”


    5. Reynolds’ Parenting Manual Is Just the Deadpool Script with Crayon Edits.
    He reportedly told his daughter she could say the line only if she beat out other kids for the part. What is this—Toddlers & Tarantino?


    6. And the Oscar Goes to… Daddy’s Tax Deduction.
    Forget college funds. With SAG credits this early, she’ll qualify for a pension before she masters long division.


    7. Meanwhile, Blake Lively Is Googling: “How to Divorce Someone Who Treats Fatherhood Like an SNL Skit.”
    When your co-parent thinks it’s a good idea to let your kid roast Wolverine, you start drafting custody agreements in Comic Sans.


    8. Marvel Phase 7: “Preschool Profanity Multiverse.”
    Coming soon: “Baby Groot Learns to Say the F Word.” Executive produced by Ryan Reynolds’ daughter.


    9. Reddit Called It ‘Disgusting’—Which Is Rich Coming from People Who Live in Their Mom’s Basement.
    Internet users are shocked. Shocked! That a child might say something crass in a Deadpool movie. As if they don’t scream worse things at Fortnite characters daily.


    10. Someone Please Explain to Ryan That ‘Method Acting’ Doesn’t Apply to Grade Schoolers.
    Unless she’s playing a traumatized child actor in a gritty indie film titled “Daddy’s Little Deadpool,” maybe pull back on the Stanislavski.


    11. You Know It’s a Problem When Even Hollywood Is Like, “Yikes.”
    This is the town that cast Lindsay Lohan as a stripper at 12 and still thinks Ryan went too far.


    12. Most Kids Have Imaginary Friends—His Kid Has a SAG-AFTRA Rep.
    By age 10, she’ll be negotiating royalties, firing her publicist, and optioning her memoir: “Raised by Deadpool: A Love Story.”


    13. The Lawsuit Plot Twist Deserves Its Own Marvel Post-Credit Scene.
    While America’s still stuck on “Did she say what now?” Reynolds and Lively are being sued for $400 million—which is also the estimated therapy bill for their daughter’s adulthood.


    14. Who Needs Pixar When You Have Trauma?
    Her classmates are drawing rainbows and unicorns. She’s storyboarding Wolverine crotch jokes.


    15. The Line Was Delivered by a Masked Character—So Why Not Just Hire a Grown Adult?
    Because Reynolds said, “Honey, it’s a role you were born to play!” Which is a weird way to say “Daddy needs controversy to sell tickets.”

    Bohiney News -Ryan Reynolds Coaching His 7-Year-Old Daughter to Swear (4)... - Alan Nafzger
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  • Jeffry Goldberg’s Yellow Journalism and Red Flags

    Jeffry Goldberg’s Yellow Journalism and Red Flags

    Comrade Goldberg’s Panic Parade: The Atlantic’s Leader in Yellow Journalism and Red Flags

    An exposé of how Jeffrey Goldberg turned American journalism into a full-contact Marxist anxiety ritual.

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — At some point, journalism split into two camps: those who report the news, and those who scream it into a microphone while a latte cools in the background. At the very center of that second camp — nestled between a thesaurus and the ghost of Edward R. Murrow begging for mercy — sits Jeffrey Goldberg, editor-in-chief of The Atlantic, spiritual leader of melodrama, and self-proclaimed “guardian of the Republic’s final sigh.”

    But a new satirical investigation by SpinTaxi Magazine reveals something deeper: Goldberg isn’t just a chronic exaggerator. He’s possibly the only Marxist in America who owns four Patagonia vests and thinks brunch is a geopolitical flashpoint.


    A Brief History of Hysteria

    Goldberg’s rise to prominence was meteoric — not because of groundbreaking scoops, but because he could take a birdwatching blog post and turn it into a NATO realignment essay. In his world, a delayed Amtrak train is a constitutional crisis, and a TikTok trend about cats in sweaters is a “national failure of empathy.”

    Let’s look at just a few of Goldberg’s contributions to global panic.


    1. “The Peanut Allergy That Could Fracture NATO”

    In an article that ran 9,700 words and included three hand-drawn diagrams of snack diplomacy, Goldberg reported that a White House aide turning down a peanut butter cup was “a sign of deep transatlantic dysfunction.” The aide later told reporters, “I just didn’t want to crap my pants during a briefing.”

    Goldberg’s conclusion? “Without shared legumes, there can be no shared values.”


    2. “Cloud Formations Are Gaslighting Us”

    This essay received immediate ridicule for claiming cumulonimbus clouds over D.C. were “emblematic of bureaucratic shame.” Goldberg added that “their shapeshifting nature mirrors the deep instability of the American administrative state.”

    Weather experts noted it was just July.


    3. “The Slight Cough Heard ‘Round the World”

    When Joe Biden cleared his throat during a NATO presser, Goldberg published The Wheeze and the West: Is American Hegemony Out of Breath?

    The subtitle: “When democracy coughs, do autocrats hear opportunity?”

    Biden’s doctor later confirmed it was a peanut shell.


    4. “America’s Soul: Misplaced at LaGuardia”

    After his luggage was briefly lost, Goldberg penned an introspective op-ed equating the incident to “the fraying fabric of civic trust.”

    Security footage later showed Goldberg angrily pulling his Samsonite out of the JetBlue office while yelling, “You will not erase me!”


    5. “Taylor Swift’s Silence: Complicity or Counterinsurgency?”

    When Swift declined to weigh in on the Bolivian lithium crisis, Goldberg argued that “her silence emboldens mining imperialism.”

    Swift’s team responded with a single sentence: “She was recording a cat video.”


    The Marxist Mole in Madras

    Sources from The Atlantic confirm that Goldberg insists all articles begin with a reference to democracy “standing at the edge of a precipice,” followed by one or more of the following phrases:

    • “Late-stage collapse”

    • “Neoliberal fatigue”

    • “Existential punctuation”

    • “The smoldering remains of consensus”

    In internal emails, Goldberg signs off with: “Yours in cultural dissolution, JG.”

    A junior staffer told us, “We tried pitching a feel-good story once. He rewrote it into a 6,000-word autopsy of the American middle class.”


    6. “The Dog Barked: Are We Living Through Pet Fascism?”

    When Goldberg’s neighbor’s schnauzer barked at a passing Amazon driver, he saw this as “a symptom of micro-authoritarianism embedded in pet culture.” The article proposed a canine truth and reconciliation commission.

    Dog behaviorists suggested, “Maybe the dog just doesn’t like cargo shorts.”


    7. “Bananas Are Disappearing — So Is Hope”

    After a temporary shipping delay, Goldberg linked banana scarcity to “the moral anemia of the West,” arguing that potassium shortages reveal “a fruit-shaped hole in our collective spine.”

    The bananas returned the next day. Goldberg didn’t issue a correction, but he did publish a follow-up: “Resupplied, But Not Reassured.”


    The Atlantic’s Yellow Journalism Goes Full Technicolor

    According to the Satirical Bureau of Press Accountability (SBPA), The Atlantic under Goldberg has been cited for:

    • Inflated metaphors per paragraph: Avg. 3.4

    • Times the phrase “It’s worse than we think” appears per article: 2.1

    • Graphs that are literally just vibes: 17 documented incidents

    • Use of “Kafkaesque” to describe WiFi outages: 4 (minimum)


    8. “An Uber Playlist That Could Topple the Constitution”

    Goldberg described his Uber ride’s musical rotation — from Joe Rogan to Mariah Carey — as “sonic populism.” He likened the experience to “being waterboarded by algorithmic capitalism.”

    The driver? “I just hit shuffle.”


    9. “Soup: A Tool of Oppression”

    In an essay that made even the New York Times food section cry into their broth, Goldberg declared that “the ritual of soup consumption reflects the coercive comfort of a broken system.”
    He also wrote a footnote that read: “Minestrone = monoculture.”


    What the Funny People Are Saying

    “Jeffrey Goldberg makes Eeyore look like a motivational speaker.”Jerry Seinfeld

    “His articles make me panic about the wrong things, at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons. Bravo.”Sarah Silverman

    “He’s the only man who can turn a sneeze into a 12-part podcast series.”Ron White


    10. “Winkpocalypse: When Biden Winked and the Stock Market Blinked”

    Goldberg speculated that Biden’s eye movement at a G7 summit was “a secret semaphore to hedge funds.” No market movement occurred, but Goldberg updated the piece live with each Nasdaq fluctuation like a paranoid auctioneer.


    11. “Reese Witherspoon’s Toast Aversion: A Threat to Western Values?”

    When Reese said she skips toast at breakfast, Goldberg spun it into “a rejection of Western carbohydrates and the traditions they anchor.”

    She later posted on Instagram: “I just like fruit better, dude.”


    12. “The Flight Delay That Proves We’re Spiritually Stuck”

    After a one-hour delay at Dulles, Goldberg mused, “We are a nation of seated people, desperate to depart but destined to sit. Perhaps forever.”

    His readers wrote in to say, “Jeff. Buddy. It’s fog.”

    13. “Oat Milk: The Soft Coup of Our Time”

    Goldberg opened his March 2024 piece with the sentence, “We were warned it wouldn’t come in uniforms.”

    The topic? Starbucks switching from 2% milk to oat milk as their default.

    He described the change as “the quiet bureaucratic creep of anti-dairy Marxism,” and compared the oat industry to “a destabilizing force more potent than al-Qaeda, because it hides in smoothies.”

    The National Dairy Council released a formal response:

    “Sir. With all due respect. We just make milk. You need to touch grass.”


    14. “Kombucha Is the New Opium of the Masses”

    In this masterpiece of fermented fear, Goldberg examined how “hipster fermentation culture” was “anaesthetizing the American public to fascism.” He claimed the fizz masked “emotional decay” and cited one Brooklyn barista who whispered, “Every bottle contains a quiet scream.”

    The only source cited was a kombucha label that read, “Cleanse. Heal. Surrender.”


    15. “Goldberg’s Beard Growth: A Symbol of Western Decline”

    In a rare moment of introspection, Goldberg turned the metaphor on himself, writing a 5,800-word essay on how his increasingly unkempt facial hair mirrored “the entropy of the post-liberal order.”

    Accompanied by 14 black-and-white selfies, the piece was described by one Atlantic subscriber as “a love letter to the apocalypse written on a napkin of navel lint.”


    Leaked: The Atlantic Editorial Calendar

    Thanks to a janitor named Clive (and his overly curious Roomba), we’ve obtained a copy of The Atlantic’s upcoming editorial plans. Here are some real fake headlines scheduled for Q2:

    • “The Rise of Crocs: Footwear or Foothold for Authoritarianism?”

    • “Left on Read: Ghosting as Neoliberal Collapse”

    • “Seasonal Allergies and the Erosion of Western Stoicism”

    • “Is Your Houseplant a Crypto-Fascist?”

    • Beyoncé’s Pause Before Answering: The Democratic Void Between Instinct and Delay”

    Each piece begins with the phrase: “At this moment in history, when institutions tremble…”


    Expert Panel: Yellow Journalism in the Age of the Neoliberal Yawn

    We convened a roundtable of parody experts to discuss Goldberg’s impact.

    Dr. Penelope Drexler, Professor of Overstatement at Yale:

    “Goldberg is the only journalist whose articles require Dramamine and a weighted blanket.”

    Trevor K. Sand, editor of The Panic Quarterly:

    “He’s pushing the boundaries of journalism and also the boundaries of patience.”

    Comrade Cliff “The Marx Whisperer” Mendelbaum (no relation to Carl):

    “I once tried to fact-check Goldberg. Halfway through, I started crying into a pillow shaped like the Constitution.”


    How to Exaggerate Like a Goldberg (Helpful Content)

    Feeling inadequate in your doomsday narratives? Want to turn “mildly concerning” into “the abyss calls and democracy answers with a whimper”?

    Here’s the official SpinTaxi Guide:

    Step 1: Start Big

    Wrong: “Traffic was bad today.”
    Right: “We are witnessing the unraveling of collective motion itself. A standstill. A metaphor. A prophecy.”

    Step 2: Add a Cultural Symbol

    “An Uber driver played the Mamma Mia soundtrack. I wept. It echoed the shallow joy of a dying empire.”

    Step 3: Overreach Like a Champ

    “I lost Wi-Fi for six minutes. My child lost faith in the Enlightenment.”

    Remember: when in doubt, add three things Goldberg loves — a historical analogy, a personal anecdote, and at least one mention of “the Western project in crisis.”


    Anatomy of a Goldberg Paragraph

    Let’s dissect a realish excerpt:

    “As I sipped lukewarm espresso in a D.C. café, I felt the slow drip of Western decline in my cup. The foam was limp, emblematic of a Republic whose backbone had long since curdled.”

    Translation: The barista forgot to froth it.


    Goldberg’s Emotional Support Team

    Due to the emotional gravity of his own prose, Goldberg reportedly has:

    • A licensed therapist on Slack

    • A therapy dog named Filibuster

    • A panic button under his desk that sends him chamomile tea and a fresh copy of Das Capital.


    Reader Reactions to Goldberg’s Journalism

    • “Reading a Goldberg essay is like being gaslit by a Civil War re-enactor.”
      Theresa K., Missouri

    • “He made me cry about banana tariffs and I don’t even eat fruit.”
      Aaron B., New Hampshire

    • “I thought my Wi-Fi was glitching. It turns out it was just another Atlantic metaphor.”
      Jacob R., Brooklyn

    • “I canceled my subscription. Then I re-subscribed. I needed the drama.”
      Hannah W., Seattle


    Goldberg’s Legacy: Mount Molehill

    A marble sculpture of Goldberg, titled “Wringing the Republic Dry”, was recently installed outside the National Press Club. The statue depicts him holding a broken pen, staring into the middle distance while standing atop a giant molehill carved to look like Mount Rushmore.

    The plaque reads:

    “To Jeffrey Goldberg — who reminded us that even a stubbed toe could be the first crack in the foundation of liberty.”


    Final Word from Goldberg (Fake Quote)

    “I don’t exaggerate. The world is just smaller than I remember.”

    He then put on his Patagonia vest, mounted his Peloton, and rode off into a metaphor about erosion.


    Disclaimer

    This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No institutions were harmed in the making of this satire, except perhaps The Atlantic’s capacity for nuance.

    Goldberg is a brilliant editor. But if he writes one more headline comparing oat milk to the fall of Rome, we’re sending him soup. No metaphors allowed.


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    Bohiney News – Comrade Goldberg’s Red Pen: The Atlantic’s Marxist Molehill Magnifier.. – Alan Nafzger 


    Comrade Goldberg’s Red Pen: The Atlantic’s Marxist Molehill Magnifier

    How One Man Turned Every Story into the Fall of the Republic and the Rise of the Dialectic

    Case History: 15 Times Jeffrey Goldberg Made Everything Sound Like the End of the World


    1. “The Cappuccino That Ended the American Century”

    Goldberg claimed a barista’s refusal to make a “wet macchiato” symbolized the collapse of liberal democracy.
    “If foam can’t be trusted, what hope do we have for NATO?”


    2. “America’s Existential Crisis: Millennials Don’t Own Spoons”

    In a 7,000-word essay, Goldberg argued that declining flatware ownership among Gen Z was “the beginning of the post-republican condition.”
    Fact check: IKEA had a spoon shortage.


    3. “Joe Biden’s Wink Could Ignite Iran”

    After Biden winked at a reporter, Goldberg suggested the subtle eye twitch could be interpreted as a “covert kinetic signal” by the Iranian regime.
    Result: Nothing happened, except Iran laughed.


    4. “The Peanut Allergy That Could Fracture NATO”

    A White House aide declined a Reese’s Cup. Goldberg called it “a signal of internal rot within the Atlantic alliance.”
    Allergy statement: He just didn’t want to die.


    5. “Taylor Swift’s Silence Is a Cold War Act”

    When Swift declined to comment on Belarus, Goldberg warned of “a vacuum of pop-cultural deterrence.”
    Official State Department Response: “Please stop emailing us.”


    6. “Dogs May Be Racist: A National Reckoning”

    One Labrador barked at a UPS driver. Goldberg penned a feature on “canine privilege and the shadow of imperialism.”
    Scientific consensus: The dog is just scared of wheels.


    7. “When Elon Musk Quoted Nietzsche: A Cybernetic Coup in Progress?”

    Goldberg claimed Musk tweeting “What doesn’t kill you…” was “the soft launch of a libertarian AI monarchy.”
    Correction: Musk meant to tweet about breakfast burritos.


    8. “The Hamptons Are Burning: America’s Oligarchic Fragility”

    During a mild brush fire, Goldberg declared the end of aristocratic stability.
    Insurance Report: Damage estimated at $432 and a singed hedge.


    9. “Kamala Harris’s Laugh Signals the End of Rational Discourse”

    Her laugh at a press gaggle? “Auditory Marxism,” said Goldberg.
    Audio experts: “We think she just found something funny.”


    10. “Banana Shortage: Prelude to Global Class War?”

    When Chiquita had a shipping delay, Goldberg warned of “symbolic collapse in post-capitalist dietary cohesion.”
    Grocery Manager: “Try aisle 3. We restocked.”


    11. “America’s Soul: Now in a Lost Luggage Bin at LaGuardia”

    After his carry-on was mishandled, Goldberg wrote a 9-page meditation on how lost luggage reflects moral decay.
    TSA Response: “We found your bag. It had your laptop and a half-eaten Kind bar.”


    12. “An Uber Driver’s Podcast Choices Reveal the Coming Cultural Purge”

    A driver played Joe Rogan. Goldberg responded with: “We are five Spotify skips away from fascism.”
    The driver’s playlist: Rogan, Mariah Carey, and Looney Tunes soundtracks.


    13. “Cloud Formations Are Gaslighting Us”

    Goldberg observed “ominous cumulonimbus developments” and said the weather was “emotionally manipulative.”
    NOAA Weather Report: “It’s cloudy. That’s all.”


    14. “The Inescapable Tyranny of Soup”

    In an exposé about soup culture, Goldberg called minestrone “a silent enforcer of class norms.”
    Public Response: Soup sales increased.


    15. “Jeffrey Goldberg’s Reflection No Longer Recognizes Him”

    He once walked past a mirror and filed a 2,000-word essay on alienation, late-stage journalism, and beard growth.
    Editor’s note: The essay was later retracted after it was discovered to be a shampoo ad.


    Inside The Atlantic’s Secret Marxist Agenda

    Former staff claim Goldberg’s editorial meetings begin with:

    • A dialectical warm-up (“Let’s deconstruct brunch!”)

    • A ritual reading of The Communist Manifesto aloud in NPR voices

    • A whiteboard labeled “Today’s Crisis (Real or Imagined)”

    According to anonymous interns, The Atlantic has two banned phrases:

    • “Let’s wait for more information.”

    • “Maybe it’s not that deep.”


    What the Funny People Are Saying

    “Jeffrey Goldberg writes like the world is ending, but only for people with brownstone mortgages.”Jerry Seinfeld

    “He turned a Starbucks spill into a five-part podcast called ‘Democracy Drips Away.’”Ron White

    “I read his piece on a canceled brunch reservation. I cried. I also canceled my subscription.”Sarah Silverman


    The Goldberg Effect: National Panic, International Shrugs

    Harvard’s Satirical Institute of Media Studies (funded by a Soros impersonator) found that 83% of Americans panic-read Goldberg’s essays, while 94% of foreign readers assume he’s a performance artist.

    One diplomat from Norway said, “We assumed it was a postmodern joke. You’re telling me this guy is serious?”


    Help for the Over-Hysterical Reader

    Tips for reading The Atlantic without spiraling into existential dread:

    1. Wear sunglasses — reduces the emotional glare of paragraph one.

    2. Alternate reading Goldberg with Dilbert cartoons — for spiritual pH balance.

    3. Count how many times he says “fragile,” “collapse,” or “existential.” If over 5, drink chamomile tea and stop.

    4. Read backward — it’s still doomsday, but more poetic.


    Disclaimer

    This satire is a collaboration between two fully conscious humans: one very old professor and one very sweaty dairy farmer with an English degree and an axe to grind against dramatic metaphors. All quotes are fake, all evidence is exaggerated, and all soup-based conclusions are purely ideological.

    We like Goldberg. But we also think his prose should come with an oxygen mask and emotional support goat.


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  • Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch

    Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch

    Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch Group Chat

    Tulsi Gabbard adds traitorous Marxist to Pentagon planning thread, citing autocorrect, spiritual confusion, and “the healing power of open dialogue.”

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what security analysts are calling “the boldest soft launch of Communism since Bernie Sanders posted shirtless from the sauna,” U.S. Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard admitted this week that she “accidentally” added a self-described “traitorous Marxist” to a top-secret group chat discussing imminent airstrikes in Syria.

    The Marxist, later identified as Carl “The Dialectic” Mendelbaum, reportedly offered no input on coordinates, but did suggest renaming the mission Operation Proletarian Regret and called drone strikes “an extension of bourgeois impotence.”

    “I thought I was inviting Colonel Mendenhall,” Gabbard told Congress. “But my phone autocorrected to Mendelbaum. Honest mistake. Both are men in their 60s with problematic facial hair.”

    Lawmakers were alarmed. The NSA, baffled. Twitter? Delighted.


    Autocorrect as a Threat Vector

    National security experts confirmed what every Millennial already knows: autocorrect will one day kill us all. Whether it’s texting “Let’s ducking go to war” or sharing launch codes with a socialist philosopher who runs a kombucha co-op in Vermont, the risks are real.

    A new Pentagon directive now requires all high-level communications to pass the “Maoist Filter,” a biometric scan that analyzes beard length, Birkenstock density, and number of times the word “late-stage capitalism” appears in recent emails.


    Who Is Carl Mendelbaum and Why Is He Suddenly Famous?

    Carl Mendelbaum, 66, is the founder of Breadlines & Barricades, a Substack newsletter widely read by nine graduate students, one French exchange teacher, and Gabbard’s yoga instructor. Known for his viral screed Why NATO Is Basically a Landlord, Mendelbaum has long argued that “imperialism begins in the inbox.”

    When reached for comment, he said:

    “Frankly, I was honored to be included. I assumed it was a decolonial listening session or perhaps a podcast taping. I brought my own talking stick.”

    Sources say he contributed to the thread by sending a PDF titled Drone Warfare and the Dialectic of Despair, followed by a meme of Karl Marx riding a Tomahawk missile like Slim Pickens.


    Airstrike Group Chats Are Getting Crowded

    The accidental invite has ignited debate over the increasing size of national security group chats. Once limited to presidents, generals, and the guy who delivers the NSA’s Panera order, they now often include civilian “observers,” meditation guides, and, occasionally, white wine moms who thought they were RSVPing to a book club.

    A leaked screenshot of the Pentagon’s “Operation Orange Sunset” Signal thread shows the following members:

    • Gen. Curtis “Thunderstick” Monroe

    • Admiral Justine Reyes

    • Tulsi Gabbard (Admin)

    • National Security Intern “Maverick4Prez”

    • Carl Mendelbaum (accidentally added)

    • “Nicole_YogaBreathworkDC”

    • and, for some reason, actor Wilmer Valderrama

    At one point, Mendelbaum asked, “Is it too late to propose nonviolent intervention through narrative therapy?” The group replied with the single word: “LMAO.”


    Gabbard’s Defense: “Diverse Views Matter”

    In her testimony before the House Intelligence Committee, Gabbard doubled down on the importance of dialogue, even when said dialogue includes revolutionary slogans and anti-aircraft poetry.

    “Sometimes we need to be challenged. It keeps us humble. Carl brought a perspective that was…not useful, exactly, but refreshing. Like ice water in a missile silo.”

    She then launched into an impromptu speech about the intersection of democracy and dream journaling, concluding with a quote from the Dalai Lama, “War is bad, but vibes are worse.”


    New Pentagon Policy: “Trotsky Threshold” Test

    As a direct result of the incident, the Pentagon has now instituted the “Trotsky Threshold”—a vetting system to weed out users with:

    • Facial hair that suggests revolutionary tendencies

    • Past citations in Jacobin Magazine

    • More than five tweets containing the word “hegemony”

    • A documented kombucha brewing license

    Anyone failing the threshold is automatically assigned to the “Emotional Support Chat” with Marianne Williamson, where all aggressive tendencies are re-channeled into interpretive dance and scented candle reviews.


    Mendelbaum’s Final Message: “Proletariat Out.”

    After being removed from the chat, Mendelbaum posted a screenshot of the incident on his Substack, claiming he had been “erased by imperial censorship.” He also announced a new Telegram group, Airstrikes of the Oppressed, dedicated to “deconstructing aerial violence and also maybe discussing vegan empanadas.”

    His final text to the Pentagon read:

    “I get it. My truth makes you uncomfortable. That’s what liberation feels like. Proletariat out.”

    He followed it with a gif of a dove flying out of a camouflage helmet.


    Public Reaction: “LOL But Also OMG”

    A recent Pew poll shows 71% of Americans think “adding a Marxist to a drone war planning session sounds like a Veep episode,” while 24% believe it’s “actually kind of woke.” The remaining 5% were unclear on what a Marxist is, but did say they liked his hat.

    One TikTok user posted a dramatic reading of the leaked group chat messages while slow-dancing to Soviet folk music, earning 2.3 million likes.


    “We Figured He’d Leak It Anyway.”

    In a surprisingly candid press briefing, a Pentagon spokesperson said:

    “Honestly, Carl was going to leak this to The Intercept regardless. Might as well let him hear the first draft.”

    This is reportedly part of a new strategic policy called “Preemptive Transparency,” in which sensitive information is leaked intentionally to confuse the public through overexposure. In other words: weaponized oversharing.


    Even Clippy Is Concerned

    Microsoft’s Clippy, now employed by DARPA as a predictive AI interface, has been repurposed to intervene in group chat disasters.

    “It looks like you’re trying to start a war. Would you like help selecting only non-Marxist participants?”

    Clippy then automatically highlights users who own Das Kapital in hardcover and haven’t paid rent in 18 months.


    From Mistake to Movement

    In the days since the chat mishap, a growing number of leftist influencers have launched #InviteThePeople campaigns, demanding transparency in military decision-making and brunch menus. Carl Mendelbaum is now rumored to be considering a presidential run under the Democratic Co-Op Party, though some voters are hesitant due to his support for nationalizing rollerblading.


    Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch Group Chat (Part 2)

    Tulsi Gabbard’s accidental overshare exposes America’s soft spot for revolution, memes, and rogue philosophers with Telegram channels.

    Leaked Group Chat: The Full Reenactment

    Thanks to a brave intern who printed the chat log and stapled it to the back of an Arby’s receipt, we now present a redacted but emotionally raw transcript of the Pentagon’s “Orange Sunset” war room:

    Tulsi G.: “All — final review for 2 a.m. strikes. Need sign-off.”
    Gen. Thunderstick: “Green light from CENTCOM. Standing by.”
    Nicole_YogaBreathworkDC: “Remember to ground yourselves before deploying violence.”
    Mendelbaum: “Hello comrades. Have you considered the spiritual implications of kinetic imperialism?”
    Admiral Reyes: “Who tf is Carl??”
    Maverick4Prez: “Is this a test? This feels like a test.”
    Tulsi G.: “Oops, wrong Carl.”
    Mendelbaum: “War is merely capitalism’s need for catharsis.”
    Gen. Thunderstick: “I swear to God, I will launch a missile at Vermont.”


    The Marxist’s Manifesto Goes Viral

    Carl Mendelbaum followed the chaos with a 14-tweet thread titled “Inside the Belly of the Bomb: One Philosopher’s Journey from Inbox to Incursion.”

    Some highlights include:

    • “Pentagon aesthetic: surprisingly mid. No plants, no kombucha.”

    • “There is no such thing as an ‘accidental invite.’ There is only structural inclusion.”

    • “Missile emoji = colonial aggression in pictographic form.”

    The thread was shared by AOC, retweeted by Noam Chomsky’s intern, and turned into a slam poem by an Oregon coffee shop called Latte Means Solidarity.


    Congress Responds with “Ban the Beards Act”

    Congressional panic led to swift bipartisan legislation: the Group Chat Clarity and Revolutionary Filtration Act (GCC-RFA) — also known informally as the Ban the Beards Act. The law would:

    • Prohibit anyone with facial hair exceeding 3.5 inches from attending digital briefings.

    • Require philosophical vetting of all usernames with “comrade,” “dialectic,” or “eco-Marxist” in them.

    • Replace Signal and Telegram with an in-house military messaging app called “BoomTalk.”

    BoomTalk’s beta slogan? “War. Without the weird.”


    A Pentagon Hiring Frenzy: Now Seeking Chat Moderators

    The U.S. War Department has now posted a new job listing:

    Position: Tactical Group Chat Moderator (TS/SCI Clearance Required)
    Must have strong knowledge of emoji neutrality, ability to detect sarcasm in six languages, and instant identification of revolutionary infiltration via GIF usage.

    Applicants are required to complete a training module: “Avoiding the Red Scare in Threads: A Modern Approach to InfoSec.”


    Parody Expert Speaks: Dr. Leon Trotsky IV, Georgetown

    We reached out to Dr. Leon Trotsky IV, a tenured professor of Revolutionary Rhetoric at Georgetown University, for comment.

    “This is classic dialectical infiltration. Marxism spreads through awkward digital inclusion. Today it’s Signal, tomorrow? Spotify playlists. It’s a slippery slope from Karl Marx to Karl from accounting sharing Cold War memes during nuclear briefings.”

    He added, “At some point, we must ask — who’s moderating the moderators?”


    Helpful Content: How to Tell If Your Slack Channel Is Too Radical

    Worried your work chat is becoming a People’s Tribunal? Here’s a guide:

    Signs your chat is veering left of Lenin:

    • All decisions are made by consensus — and take 3 weeks.

    • Someone adds a channel called #redistribute-the-snacks.

    • Meeting invites say “Assembly of Equals” instead of “Zoom Call.”

    • Weekly updates include quotes from Frantz Fanon.

    • The intern renamed the team “Working Group of the Global South.”

    Fixes:

    • Add a Boomer named Chad who only speaks in bullet points.

    • Ban exclamation marks — they’re a gateway to manifestos.

    • Replace “solidarity” with “deliverables.”


    The Accidental Marxist Meme Machine

    Carl Mendelbaum is now the subject of dozens of memes. The most popular:

    • “When you’re just here to abolish private property and accidentally get the launch codes.” (Photo: Carl looking confused in a coffee shop)

    • “That face when you realize you’re the only guy in the chat who doesn’t believe in borders.”

    • “Me: Trying to vibe. Gabbard: Adds me to the war.”

    Instagram influencers are now faking Marxist identities to go viral, leading to the rise of a new microtrend: CommuClout.


    Gabbard’s TikTok Apology: “My Bad, Universe.”

    In the age of performative contrition, Gabbard took to TikTok to apologize — standing barefoot on a yoga mat surrounded by incense and tactical gear.

    “Sometimes the universe gives you unexpected lessons. This week, I learned not to include ideological revolutionaries in kinetic military planning. That’s on me.”

    She then did 12 minutes of power yoga to The Internationale (Lo-fi Beats Edition) and offered followers a discount code for Blue Apron: #StopTheStrikeMeals.


    Cultural Fallout: Netflix in Talks for “Missile Marxist” Series

    Naturally, Hollywood got involved.

    Netflix has optioned the rights to the group chat story for a limited series titled “Missile Marxist”, starring:

    • Oscar Isaac as Carl Mendelbaum

    • Rosario Dawson as Tulsi Gabbard (no irony lost)

    • Timothée Chalamet as a sentient drone who becomes self-aware after reading Gramsci

    • And Joe Rogan as himself

    The show will feature one season, nine episodes, and a spin-off podcast: Dialectical Detonation.


    Final Thoughts from Carl Mendelbaum

    In his farewell post, Carl wrote:

    “I did not ask to be added. I was chosen. Not by Tulsi. Not by Signal. But by History. And History has read too much Zizek to care about your defense spending.”

    He now lives off-grid in a Vermont yurt, raising radical goats and running a Discord server called #PostModernMunitions.

    Bohiney News - Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch.. - Alan Nafzger 2
    Bohiney News -Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch… – Alan Nafzger 2


    Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch Group Chat

    Tulsi Gabbard accidentally looped a known traitorous Marxist into Pentagon air strike planning, blames “autocorrect and vibes.”

    15 Observations 

    1. “How did a Marxist get invited to a Pentagon chat? Was there a Gmail autofill for ‘Enemies of the State’?”
      Autocomplete: The new national security threat.

    2. The Marxist reportedly reacted with “lol ok cool” to plans for kinetic strikes in Syria.
      That’s the geopolitical equivalent of replying “k.”

    3. Airstrike group chats now include: generals, intelligence directors, and apparently your freshman PoliSci TA from Oberlin.
      Because who doesn’t need a dissenting essay mid-bombing?

    4. Gabbard said it was “a mistake.”
      That’s what my grandma said when she accidentally added her bridge club to her OnlyFans.

    5. You know you messed up when even the NSA whispers, “Girl, change your settings.”
      There’s privacy, and then there’s Marxist-in-the-meeting-room.

    6. Apparently, Marxist Carl “The Dialectic” Mendelbaum was added after Gabbard misread a Signal notification.
      She thought it said “coalition,” but it said “collectivization.”

    7. The Marxist reportedly offered to “redistribute the launch codes.”
      Sharing is caring… until it’s ballistic.

    8. Pentagon protocol now includes a pop-up: “Are you sure you want to include someone who wrote Why NATO Is a Colonial Project?”
      Clippy, the Microsoft paperclip, now works for the CIA.

    9. Mendelbaum has since been removed, though he insists “the dialectic demands my continued presence.”
      That’s one way to ghost an entire government.

    10. The Marxist left the chat with the words, “Proletariat out.”
      Then started a rival thread: “Airstrikes of the Oppressed.”

    11. When asked how the Marxist got the invite, the Pentagon shrugged, “We figured he’d leak it eventually anyway.”
      Sun Tzu said: Keep your enemies close, and your communists closer.

    12. Gabbard is now under review for what officials are calling “Group Chat Recklessness.”
      That’s just one level below “TikTok Diplomacy.”

    13. In a press conference, Gabbard said, “It’s important to hear diverse views.”
      Right. Next week’s drone strike debrief will include Gwyneth Paltrow.

    14. Congress has proposed a new filter: “Do Not Add Anyone With a Beard Longer Than Intelligence Clearance.”
      It’s called the Trotsky Threshold.

    15. This is what happens when foreign policy decisions are made on the same app you use for brunch plans.
      “Airstrike? Sure. Let’s meet at 7. BYO ordinance.”


    Disclaimer

    This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings — the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AIs were harmed, consulted, or added to Pentagon chats.

    Any resemblance to real Marxists named Carl is purely intentional and funded by a grant from the Department of Ironic Oversight. 

    The post Oops, We Invited Karl Marx to the Missile Launch appeared first on Bohiney News.

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  • Bureaucrats Gone Broke

    Bureaucrats Gone Broke

    No More Government Credit Card, No More Lingerie: Bureaucrats Gone Broke

    Y’all ever seen a D.C. bureaucrat without a government credit card?
    It’s like watching a Kardashian at a Dollar General. Confused, sweaty, and unable to process the idea of buying toothpaste with actual money.

    Now I ain’t sayin’ these folks were spoiled—but the last time one of ‘em saw a receipt, it was being held up in a congressional ethics investigation. That’s not a payment method, that’s a punchline.

    So this little story rolls in from El Salvador—God bless ‘em, they canceled their government credit cards. And I mean canceled. Not frozen. Not paused. Not “paused for review by a bipartisan commission.” I mean cut up like a bad Vegas decision.
    And you’d have thought they banned air. Or Botox. Or whatever keeps Nancy Pelosi upright in high winds.


    The Doge Card That Barked Too Loud

    See, this wasn’t just any credit card, it was backed by Dogecoin.
    DOGE.
    That’s right. Bureaucrats were out here buying pizza, lingerie, dog shampoo, and who-knows-what-else using a cryptocurrency that was invented as a joke.

    “Much expenses. Very bureaucracy. Wow.”

    You ever swipe a Doge card at a vape shop and get denied? That’s not a financial crisis, that’s a lifestyle reckoning.


    Lingerie and Loyalty Points

    Now, apparently, some of these charges were flagged because certain government employees were buying “intimate items for personal use.”

    I don’t know what kind of personal diplomacy requires lace and leather, but if your foreign policy relies on a push-up bra and whipped cream, I think you’re confusing NATO with OnlyFans.

    I’m not sayin’ you can’t have hobbies, I’m just sayin’ maybe don’t invoice the Ministry of Public Works for edible thongs.


    The Dogs Are Dirty and Democracy Is Crumbling

    The real victims here? The dogs.

    D.C. officials are now washing their own golden retrievers in bathtubs like common folk. It’s chaos.
    One Homeland Security officer was spotted in a Target parking lot hosing down a Yorkie with windshield wiper fluid. “It’s minty,” he said. “Keeps ticks and terrorists away.”

    These are people who haven’t bent over since the Clinton administration. Watching them try to bathe a corgi with government-issued hands is a national security threat.


    DC Pet Groomers Filing for Bankruptcy

    Meanwhile, the economy’s collapsing… again. But not because of inflation or housing or war. No, because DC’s pet groomers are out of work.
    These folks were charging $200 a session for fluffing Labradoodles with government stimulus foam.
    You could get your Yorkie a Swedish massage, toenail highlights, and an oat milk spritz on the taxpayer dime.

    Now they’re in tears, saying, “If FEMA can’t cover French poodle aromatherapy, is this even America?”


    Officials Start to Budget (Badly)

    With no card, they started to panic. I saw one federal employee—mid-level, tie crooked like a probation officer at a funeral—trying to pay for a green juice with an expired National Parks pass.
    He said, “Will you take this? It gets me into Yosemite.”

    Sir, that’s not legal tender. That’s a cry for help.


    Brunch Lobbyists Are Fuming

    The lobbyists are mad too. One guy said, “If I can’t buy a vote over avocado toast, what’s left of democracy?”

    Now they gotta Venmo congressmen for influence like we’re at a PTA bake sale. “Hi, I’m with Exxon. Here’s $40 and a cookie. Please deregulate Antarctica.”


    The Department of Waste, Fraud, and Abuse is on Furlough

    The best part? An actual memo said: “This change may reduce waste, fraud, and abuse.”

    Y’all. That’s like saying banning gasoline might cut down on car fires.
    The Department of Waste, Fraud, and Abuse just walked out holding cardboard boxes with their names engraved in crystal. One said, “We didn’t waste, we invested in morale!


    No More Swiping, Just Sweating

    You ever seen a bureaucrat try to live without a per diem?

    It’s like taking the training wheels off a raccoon. They don’t die… but they start doing really weird things with yogurt and trash.

    One guy was overheard in a Whole Foods muttering, “Do I get a reimbursement for this kale or is this what civilian pain feels like?”


    This is Not a Test—This is What Real Life Costs

    They say when the last Doge card was cut, the lights dimmed at four agencies.
    One senator cried, “But how will we pay for morale-boosting lingerie?”
    His aide replied, “Sir, that’s what feelings are for.”
    He fainted.


    What the Funny People Are Saying

    “If you’re a government worker and your biggest problem is losing your Dogecoin card, you’re not doing government. You’re doing cosplay.”Ron White

    “This is like if Congress tried to Venmo Ukraine. ‘Here’s $600 million, but you gotta use it at Cheesecake Factory.’”Jerry Seinfeld


    Bohiney News - A wide-aspect, SpinTaxi Magazine–style satirical cartoon titled “Brunch & Strategy Task Force Meltdown.” A fictional political Zoom meeting is in co... - Alan Nafzger 2
    Bohiney News – A wide-aspect, satirical Bohiney–style cartoon of a Democratic Party “Emergency Morale Task Force” Zoom meeting in full chaos. One member is holding up a receipt for edible lingerie, another is crying because the brunch budget has been slashed. Nancy Pelosi is flipping a Dogecoin and praying. A sign on the wall says “Weekly Brunch & Lingerie Strategy Session – CANCELLED.” In the corner, AOC holds up a handmade protest sign: “No Thongs, No Peace.” Add coffee-stained memos, avocado toast in tears, and a deflated crypto balloon floating by a window labeled “Hope.” – Alan Nafzger 

    The Swamp Runs Dry: Democrats Face Life Without Doge Cards, Brunch, or Groomed Poodles

    By the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer


    They said it couldn’t be done. That you can’t just cancel government credit cards.
    “You’ll collapse the entire brunch economy!” cried one tearful staffer in a Banana Republic blazer.

    Well, guess what? El Salvador did it. They took those Dogecoin-backed pieces of plastic and snapped them in half like a burned-out vape pen. And the shockwave hit Washington, D.C. so hard that Nancy Pelosi tried to expense a rosé and ended up Venmo-requesting George Soros.


    The End of Waste, Fraud, and Abuse… and Also Flavored Lube

    The real tragedy, according to one anonymous Department of Education official, was the end of “innovative morale initiatives.”
    She said, “You take away our credit cards, and suddenly the team-building retreat to Napa for ‘Post-Traumatic Budget Syndrome’ doesn’t qualify as essential.”

    What do you mean we can’t expense vintage syrah and conflict-resolution crystals?

    Even worse, the “Lingerie & Leadership” weekend for mid-level bureaucrats was canceled.
    Senator Amy Klobuchar called it “a blow to feminine empowerment and strapless unity.”


    Bureaucrats Now Buy Things With Money—Like Peasants

    One DNC staffer was overheard weeping into his oat milk cortado:
    “Do you know what it’s like to put a frappuccino on your own debit card? I felt… Republican.”

    Senator Elizabeth Warren launched a furious thread about “financial trauma” and “capitalist weaponization of receipts.”
    She ended it with:
    “We are not our Chase balances. We are our intentions. And my intention was 3 mimosas.”


    The Pet Groomers Have Fled

    D.C. is a ghost town now. Pet salons gone. Spa dogs gone. Bureaucrats with frosted Maltipoos are forced to confront their own mortality and matting issues.

    The Department of Energy’s Senior Vice Chair of Equitable Transportation—yes, that’s a real title—was spotted using government hand soap to clean his Labradoodle behind a Crate & Barrel.
    He whispered, “I miss the apricot conditioner. He misses the lavender mist. We all miss America.”


    Democratic Panic Rooms Activated

    Reports indicate that five separate “Democratic Emergency Coordination Zooms” were launched in the first hour of the Doge Card blackout.

    Chuck Schumer was seen pacing in socks, muttering, “It’s like the Sequester, but with real consequences.”
    Nancy Pelosi asked if the government could buy crypto back from the blockchain with legacy vibes.

    Kamala Harris just kept repeating, “We are in a time… of not being able… to be who we were… when there were funds… to make moments happen.”


    The Think Tanks Are Starving

    Brookings, Aspen, and Center for American Progress were reportedly ravaged by hummus shortages after their catering budgets vanished.

    A think tank fellow attempted to DoorDash a $14 shakshuka on his personal card. The app rejected it.
    He curled into a fetal position and whispered, “What’s the point of solving food insecurity if I have it?”


    Joe Biden Attempts to Barter for Credit

    Sources say President Biden tried to trade his Peloton password and a vintage Scranton ball cap for “just one last tap” of the Doge card.
    He was told: “Sir, El Salvador canceled the entire program. Doge is over.”
    He replied: “Then we got a national dog emergency, Jack.”


    AOC Proposes Emergency Lingerie Relief Act

    “Lingerie is a human right,” she tweeted, alongside a sponsored post for Fenty Savage.
    “Brunch is the glue that holds our democracy together. No brunch, no bills. No thongs, no thanks.”

    The Squad introduced a bill: The DOGE Act – Democrats Organizing to Get Expenses
    The bill includes emergency crypto reissuance, brunch vouchers, poodle grooming subsidies, and $2 billion in “recreational morale therapy.”

    It was immediately filibustered by Rand Paul wearing Crocs and eating a tuna sandwich from a vending machine.


    Moderates Losing It Too

    Joe Manchin tried to calm things down by hosting a “Fiscal Responsibility Roundtable” at his houseboat.
    But when no one showed up with prosecco or hummus, he screamed, “What’s the point of bipartisanship if we can’t toast it with mimosas?!”


    DNC Staffers Fleeing to Tech Startups

    One 24-year-old gender equity analyst is now a “Vibe Optimization Officer” at a kombucha blockchain startup in Austin.
    Her last words on D.C.?
    “This place is broken. I had to pay for my own Uber to a panel about equity. That’s not sustainable.”


    What the Funny People Are Saying

    “You take a bureaucrat’s credit card and all that’s left is a person who can’t code, can’t cook, and cries at Whole Foods.”Ron White

    “The Democratic Party just realized brunch isn’t a human right. That’s what happens when Doge dies and you gotta chew your own tofu.”Jerry Seinfeld


     What the Funny People Are Saying

    “The Democratic Party without government credit cards is like a Kardashian without Wi-Fi—lost, furious, and looking for a ring light.”
    Ron White

    “I’m not saying government officials are wasteful, but if you took away their expense accounts, they’d starve in a Bed Bath & Beyond.”
    Jerry Seinfeld

    “You ever seen a bureaucrat try to pay for brunch in cash? It’s like watching a flamingo drive a forklift—graceful until the tears start.”
    Larry David

    “They spent Dogecoin on lingerie. DOGE. That’s like buying edible panties with Monopoly money and being surprised they don’t fit.”
    Amy Schumer

    “The only thing more fraudulent than those government charges is my high school relationship with a guy who said crypto was the future.”
    Sarah Silverman

    “Democrats be like, ‘If we can’t buy brunch, is it even democracy?’ Meanwhile, Republicans out here surviving on beef jerky and resentment.”
    Chris Rock

    “When the credit cards got cut, one bureaucrat asked if ‘personal funds’ meant their trust fund or someone else’s.”
    Wanda Sykes

    “You don’t know true panic until you see a government staffer try to write a policy memo without a free oat milk latte.”
    Tina Fey

    “D.C. is so broke now, politicians are starting OnlyFans pages titled ‘Behind the Filibuster.’ Spoiler: It’s just Ted Cruz in compression socks.”
    Leslie Jones

    “Canceling Dogecoin cards doesn’t just stop fraud, it stops morale. You ever try passing legislation sober and hungry? That’s how sequesters happen.”
    John Mulaney

    “The only stimulus some of these guys understand comes in the form of a reimbursed steak dinner and a side of wink-wink regulation.”
    Trevor Noah

    “Imagine explaining to your therapist that you’re grieving a credit card made of meme money. That’s not trauma, that’s satire in real time.”
    Ali Wong



    Bohiney News - A wide-aspect, SpinTaxi Magazine–style satirical cartoon titled “Bureaucrat Dog-Washing Meltdown.” A high-ranking Washington, D.C. bureaucrat in a s... - Alan Nafzger 1
    Bohiney News – A wide-aspect, Bohiney–style cartoon showing a high-ranking Washington, D.C. bureaucrat in a business suit awkwardly washing a massive golden retriever in a gas station parking lot using windshield wiper fluid. In the background, pet groomers hold protest signs saying “Bring Back Government Dog Baths!” and “Poodles Deserve Better!” Nearby, a trembling intern is crying into a bottle of lavender dog shampoo. Add absurd details like a dripping government-issued poodle blow dryer in a trash can labeled “DEFUNDED.” Include a crying congressional aide trying to scan a Dogecoin card on a brick wall…. – Alan Nafzger 

    15 Observations on the Credit Card Cancellation

    Bureaucrats React to Losing Their Government Credit Cards Like Teenagers Grounded from Uber Eats

    1. No More Government-Funded Pizza Wednesdays
      According to an anonymous staffer, “We had a system! Mondays were morale meetings, Tuesdays were climate task force briefings, and Wednesdays were four-cheese pizza at taxpayer expense. Now what? Bring lunch like civilians?!”

    2. DC Pet Groomers Are in Full Panic Mode
      With government officials no longer swiping their Doge-backed credit cards for “canine detangling,” pet salons from Georgetown to Arlington are reportedly slashing hours. One said, “We lost the Department of Interior’s entire Pomeranian division overnight.”

    3. Undersecretary of Lingerie Procurement Resigns in Protest
      When asked about his role, the former Undersecretary said, “You don’t understand how integral lace was to morale.”

    4. Government Dogs Forced to Look Like Dogs
      Without state-funded blowouts and nail polish, D.C. beagles now look like dogs and not miniaturized state senators.

    5. Officials Washing Their Own Dogs: A National Security Threat
      One TSA administrator was found crying into a bottle of lavender shampoo, whispering, “I trained in counterterrorism, not canine conditioning.”

    6. Lobbyists Demand Refunds for Cancelled Champagne Brunches
      Without Doge credit card access, brunch attendance among bureaucrats plummeted. “How are we supposed to push environmental deregulation over pancakes with no mimosas?”

    7. Congressional Aides Caught Asking Uber Drivers for ‘Alternative Payment Arrangements’
      It’s unclear what was proposed, but let’s just say one aide offered “a comprehensive legislative briefing and a back massage.”

    8. El Salvador’s Move Sparks Panic in the Beltway: ‘What if America Does This Too?’
      Chuck Schumer reportedly Googled “Can you live without a government per diem?” and fainted at the answer.

    9. Doge the Dogcoin Is Still Smiling, But the Swamp Is Not
      The meme coin’s logo—an eternally smug Shiba Inu—is now being blamed for 11,000 panic attacks inside the federal government.

    10. Waste, Fraud, and Abuse—Out of a Job
      The three-person trio nicknamed “Waste, Fraud, and Abuse” who worked in Logistics HQ now claim they were “misunderstood performance artists.”

    11. Government Workers Discover the Cost of Things
      A HUD employee was reportedly shocked that a Venti oat milk macchiato costs actual money: “I thought Starbucks was part of FEMA?”

    12. Bureaucrats Spotted Inside Marshalls for the First Time Ever
      “Do these shoes come with a grant application?” asked one panicked staffer. No, Karen. They come with a receipt.

    13. Internal Memo Suggests ‘Bring Your Own Bribe’ Policy
      Now that taxpayer credit can’t buy favors, lobbyists are told to bring their own steaks, cigars, and cryptocurrency wallets.

    14. Mitch McConnell Offers to Pay for Lunch—With Confederate Currency
      He reportedly said, “This here five-dollar note once bought me a whole town in 1861.”

    15. Without Credit Cards, Government Employees Start Budgeting—For the First Time Since Birth
      One EPA official said, “Turns out candles, massages, and post-zoning smoothies weren’t strictly necessary to manage wetlands.”


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    Author: Alan Nafzger

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